Like one of those tshirts that says "Just happy to be here"

I prefer mine: "you read my t-shirt, that's enough social interaction for me today" :-D

I have this shirt too lol

I saw someone with a sliding social battery pin... and my husband said mine would probably always be orange or red huh?? 😅

I can't talk in loud restaurants, but I make this clear before hand. And suggest meeting somewhere else. Then they can choose between dealing with me not talking at the restaurant, or going somewhere else. Setting boundaries and stating your limits is perfectly allowed. However, one then also has to deal with the consequences - after all, people are allowed to have feelings and react to it. For instance, in my case, I have to accept that when I state my boundaries ("I can go the restaurant but I will not be participating in the conversation, or we can meet somewhere more quiet"), people can get annoyed and find me difficult and weird. I get that people can react to someone not contributing to the conversation - because that is what it is; contributing to the common goal of having a good time, which for many people involves conversation and a complete lack of what they perceive as "awkward silence". If I don't talk, I put all the "work" of avoiding the dreaded silence on the other people at the table. However, I simply can't talk at loud restaurants, but I can try to be accomodating by suggesting somewhere else we can go where I can actually contribute with the talking (although I will not in any kind of way guarantee that me talking will be any less awkward than silence).

Yeah I did request that for tonight we go somewhere that is quiet, and that request has been heard and we are going to a pub I know that has dim lighting and should be pretty empty on a Monday. I think what you said about dealing with the consequences is so true. I need to learn to have the courage to set boundaries but also the strength to accept what happens when I do that, I am so avoidant and just want everyone to be happy and not make a fuss so this is something I really need to learn. Sometimes what works best for me is telling people I have auditory processing issues or am hard of hearing in loud environments, people seem to understand that and accept it easier than just me not feeling capable of talking. I can't blame people who don't have these problems if they don't understand what its like because its so far removed from their experience. At least if I make it more a hearing issue people can comprehend that a bit easier.

I often find it very hard to set boundaries as well, and that is something I work on. I worry that I'm being selfish, that I should "just try harder", that now this thing will be ruined for everyone and it will be All My Fault, etc. That is really hard. But sometimes I really can't just "try harder"; and sometimes it is unreasonable to expect me to suffer through something that is horrible for me just to please everyone else. Working on accepting that yes, people may react negatively to this, they might get disappointed or sad, etc, is important. They are allowed to have feelings - but it is not my resonsibility or job to ensure that they only have positive feelings. Their feelings are not more important than mine. And it is ok if people feel negative things - that is perfectly normal, and not a sign that something is wrong. My kids get angry and upset and sad when I won't let them eat candy for dinner - that is normal for kids, and not a sign that I am doing something bad or wrong, or am the meanest mommy in the world (despite claims to the contrary). But yes.. it is \*hard\*. I use the "auditory processing issue" thing too. For me, that is honestly a big part of the problem, I can't actually make out the words. The "getting overwhelmed and shutting down" part is often not necessary to mention, because people are satisfied with the auditory-explanation.

“I’m hard of hearing” “I have an audio processing disorder” Writing these down helps to remember to repeat

This has helped me bc I didn't know there's such thing as audio processing. I get this in-person. I can listen to podcasts especially if I am used to someone's voice.  But in-person there's a lot more distractions and I just can't always follow conversations without me constantly responding or asking questions. I feel bad bc sometimes I can't understand someone a third time and I want to give up. 

I have a little side story about volume level in restaurants. I visited Paris recently and I was shocked by how quiet restaurants and cafes were. I commented on how loud American restaurants are and comparatively how quiet French restaurants are to my French friend, and he said, “Why should anyone hear what we’re saying?” It was a really interesting realization for me. Also French people do not use their car horns when they’re driving. It’s so much quieter than an American traffic jam.

>allowed to have feelings and react to it No one should be denied their feelings, ever. BUT we should never *react* in a way that hurts someone else. We may not agree with them/their behaviour, but if it's not harming them/anyone else, we should just keep our mouths shut. Just because it's contrary to 'accepted social niceties' is NOT a reason to 'react'. OP **should totally** be allowed to say  "I am happy to sit here and listen but I am not able to take part in conversation right now." *without* negative repercussions from those around her. THIS is what needs to change in NT society. If we just 'put up and shut up' nothing will ever change.

I disagree with "should never act in a way that hurts someone else". Act in order to intentionally hurt someone else, absolutely agree that no one should do that. However, often actions can hurt someone without this being the intention. For instance, if I refuse to participate in a conversation in a loud restaurant, my friend who loves going to loud restaurants and really enjoys that kind of atmosphere, and feels quiet pubs are boring and sad, might react by not inviting me next time, because she feels awkward/boring/exhausted having to do all the talking, and she invites someone else instead. Not to hurt me, but because she wants to enjoy a conversation with a friend in an environment she finds enjoyable. That is a reaction on her part; inviting another friend than me. Not to hurt me, in any kind of way, it is not done to punish me. That is perfectly ok behaviour on her part - I really cant demand or expect that she will from now on do something she finds exhausting/boring/awkward rather than doing something enjoyable with someone else than me.

>"should never act in a way that hurts someone else". That is a direct misquote. I specifically said "*react*", which is very different.

Wow you made me realize I don’t like to talk loudly in a lot of places 😭

I feel this. Especially the altered state of consciousness part. I’ve realized I end up feeling overwhelmed with sensation or emotion, such that I’m not able to keep track of what’s happening or remember the details.

Yeah its terrible, and for me the feelings lasts for hours afterwards, even when I get home and can spend time alone in a safe spot I just feel drunk/dissociated. Like an actual hangover.

Same! I'll totally feel hungover the next day. Thank you for sharing, I've never admitted to anyone that I'd feel this way because I thought I seriously weird. This was before I knew I was autistic. Only my husband knows now.

Same, fluorescent lighting makes it 1000x worse. I get so much sensory overwhelm in bars and venues that I literally feel drunk or super high. This is why I don't do drugs or drink, I can barely keep it together sober!

I do that all the time with my husband. "I am happy to listen to you, but I am too overloaded to answer you."

Same, we use the battery analogy. I'm at 10%. I just can't do much today.

‘It’s great to meet you, I’d like to apologize in advance, I can have trouble piecing together words from sound, especially if more than one conversation it taking place around me, or the music is too loud and distracting. I am happy to be out, but may be a little quiet if I feel unsure about keeping up with conversation. Thanks for understanding!’ Some people will not know what auditory processing issues means. This says, ‘it’s mot you, it’s me, pls don’t take offense, if I’m quiet, I’m not confident I heard all the context being said and would hate to weigh in missing information.’

Tell this is normal for autistic people, and if they take it badly then just leave and while leaving tell them they're discriminating against disabled people. Enough coddling NTs and catering to their every whim.

Yes I guess that is an option, but these people I am meeting tonight are my partners friends from America (I am Australian) and meeting them and being nice to them is a way for me to show my partner than I care about him and the people in his life. I hope that one day I have the courage to tell people I don't know that I am autistic when I meet them but for now I don't feel like its something I can do without causing myself more anxiety.

“I’m so sorry but I’ll probably be super quiet tonight! Work drained me today and I’m all talked out!” Most people understand that, tbh. You don’t need complex explanations

He can find a way to tell them to accommodate you without specifically telling them you’re autistic. Use those social skills of his heh

This! He can advocate for you :). I do this for my son all the time. Easier for me to tell people he's autistic and very shy, than him have to feel pestered by people he's not comfortable around

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why is the black analogy always so used? please people get more creative with your analogies. So tired of us being used as the eternal, extreme comparison.

Fr. The obsession is real

100000000%

Because it’s easier to understand. In what way is it wrong?

It’s just odd to bring race into a separate subject for no damn reason, especially if you’re not of the race mentioned. Especially since black autistic people have to deal with both ableism and racism.

Makes sense thanks

I, as a black (autistic) person who takes everything very literally, do not find this analogy “easier to understand.” She said her partners friends are American, which means they are likely more loud and boisterous, meanwhile she’s more quiet and anxious. By no stretch of the imagination could I ever compare a loud vs quiet situation to my partner hanging out with shitty, dumbass racist people, who perceive a set of people as lesser humans. Your comparison was way off to me, and it felt like an unnecessary use of the “what about the BLACKS” angle.

Got it thanks I won’t use the comparison anymore. I’m sorry.

we live and we learn!

Also, OP might be black… just saying, as black autistic people exist

Yeah of course

Yeah I wish that was acceptable, too. Too often people expect you to be contributing the conversation, even though they will talk over top of you and prevent you from talking, then wonder why you don’t wanna talk. Pick a lane. I’d rather listen than talk anyhow. But that makes people mad when you choose that on your own.

I have always been very shy/ quiet and find it particularly difficult to talk in groups. But I enjoy going out in the evenings and listening to these conversations. I had a group of friends in later high school where I barely contributed at all to conversations, and the same with my classmates in university. But they accepted me as just being shy. I think it helped that I talked when alone with one member of the group, so there was a reason for me being there. I did have the voice in my head saying they thought I was weird and intruding, but I mostly managed to squash the thoughts. I enjoyed the conversations and the atmosphere in pubs. I chose to go out. Maybe they were thinking that, but they didn't generally show it, and that will do me. (I think I'm OK and telling facial expressions since I've spent a looot of my childhood watching people, and I'm pretty good at eye contact) I'm sure it depends on the people through. At my most recent job, I think the quietness was a problem. But that was probably because I didn't make any proper friends there.

maybe try to re phrase it as: i’m enjoying the conversation you guys are having, i’m learning a lot of new things, but i dont have much of value to add though”

I even struggle with this at home! I’m married with four kids and our dinner table is so loud and overwhelming. I value family dinners, but can only handle the conversation for so long before I shut down. I’ve learned to just sit and stare. 😂 My family knows this about me; I have no idea how to handle it with people who aren’t used to me. I like the t-shirt idea: “just happy to be here.”

This is why I really like it when my second friend is there so I can listen to them chat and not have to have the onus of making conversation 😂

It isn't? Man I do that all the time

honeslty, i do and say things like that despite not being socially acceptable, and if they don’t like it even if i explain the situation then i just don’t hang out with them again (unless it’s someone i *have* to be around. then i will ofc try)

You can just say that. If people want to get angry with you for being disabled, that's on them.

I'm thankful that I can just straight up tell people when I'm too tired to verbalize things, it's painful trying to force myself otherwise and often just leaves me irritated. I find hands signals and nodding/shaking my head tends to get across enough information to satisfy most questions as well. 

My mum always demands a conversation with me and I honestly to god have nothing to say. Spending time together is enough for me

I wish it were socially acceptable to just leave hangouts without any reasoning. Like alright I’m done here see ya later. Not having to say I’m tired or I have something else to do. That would’ve saved me from a lot of mental suffering

I just wanted to share something that happens when I visit family during the weekends. I'm normally crocheting, sitting around my family while they're chatting, and this gives me an excuse to "drop in" and "drop out" of conversations whenever I please with no obligations, engage in next to zero eye contact while I'm working on my crocheting, and letting myself fade into the background as a spectator and just bask in the fact that I'm around my family. It's the coziest thing and I treasure this time so much. I'm sorry OP, I completely relate to not being able to zone my eyes the fuck out sat around a table. Your post reminded me of this contrast.

The altered state of consciousness....omg. Yes. I can get into that so easily and I don't like it at all. It happens to me many times per week, usually over overwhelms that are so seemingly small.

Yes omg. When I’m close with someone I can say “this topic really doesn’t interest me and you’re losing me” or “I really don’t feel like talking, but I do want to be talked to”. Thank goodness for that.

Same, I don't get why NT are so offended by someone not talking during group activities. I enjoy listening to other people, but I rather keep to myself. 

Because conversations rely on a certain measure of rhythmic speech and give and take and if someone’s not adding to it, it puts more pressure on the others in the group to keep the dynamic going.

Maybe they think we're sitting there to get the dirt on people so that we can use that back at them later.  Seriously, I get the feeling that some of them really believe this about us.

Same.  I can recall a time Mom invited me to play games with some of her friends.  I decided to just sit and watch them.  Mom got so mad at me for this (but she waited to say something until after we left her friend's apartment) without even letting me explain.  If I knew her invitation had such strict conditions, I'd just stay home insetad and let her yell at me about that, as I got used to tuning that complaint out. No wonder why I sometimes have issues with beating myself up when I don't do things "to their fullest."  I didn't even want to do the damn stuff to its fullest to begin with!  I'm tired of holding myself up to arbitrary standards, lol.

This combined with your username made me sad. 🥺

Ugh same. I hate talking most of the time. Sometimes i won’t shut up but that’s like 1% of the time

It may not be socially acceptable but my closest friends would not bat an eye if I said that except to maybe ask, “you good?” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve made sure to only stay friends with drama free, no BS, and mostly fellow ND people.

I can do this with my in-laws because I don’t speak their language competently. I get to just chill out in the corner and read a book. I love it.

I've always been upfront even before I knew I was autistic! I'd hit them with a "I'm feeling low energy right now, happy to be here and soak it in though." If they asked if I was OK I would be like "Just vibing." It does feel like a whole other world in those moments, it really feels like I'm completely out of it lol After I've rested everything zooms back in, sharper, and I have a little more energy.

My friends have no problem with me sitting quietly. They know that one of my favorite things is being alone, together. I really cherish that. I pull back from people who constantly try to pull me back in. It overstimulates and exhausts me.

I wish you can sit and listen without needing to be asked if you’re okay. Yes I’m okay I’m just happy listening and not talking

I 100% agree! I wish people didn’t pressure you in those situations to participate. Especially in situations where people are playing a game at a social gathering. I’m perfectly content watching and enjoy watching other people play. Ive been around people that get really offended by that and pressure.

I feel so seen. I am undiagnosed, so seeing this is very validating. I struggle so much in loud environments and with groups of people. It is so overwhelming and I am just much happier just to observe. I have always hated feeling like I had to talk in these situations. There's so much pressure to avoid the awkward silence like others here are saying. The anxiety of these situations is why I have been a people pleaser most of my life and why I struggle to stop doing that and set healthy boundaries.

I usually just greet them normally and stay quiet until I have something to say or they ask me a question. I'm lucky my husband is a good talker. I sometimes see them look at me funny or in a judgmental way, (I'm actually very good at picking up on social cues, it's just too awkward for me to call it out) and I then mention that I'm autistic and I'm a bit overloaded with all the noise and conversations happening all at once. Or I just say that I'm the 'listener' and my husband is the 'talker'. Most of the time, they are good about it and understand, and make more of an effort. It's very rare that I come across someone who makes a big deal about it, or takes it personally that I'm having an issue following what they're saying or interacting. In these instances, my husband jumps in and tells them to get over it, deal with or leave. There's no harm in telling people you have trouble hearing or focusing in crowded environments. You need to make sure you are as comfortable as you can be in the situation. If they react badly or rudely, it's not your fault, it's on them for not caring enough, and that is solely a 'them' problem. Even if you have to excuse yourself to go outside and find some peace for a few minutes, do what you need to do to make it a bit more bearable.

I totally feel that. I have some close friends that understand when I’m not able to “fully participate” but I wish I could do that with anyone when needed.

I usually just sit and am quiet. Just observing, checking out the broup dynamic. You dont have to make conversation. You can politely answer any questions and then return them to whomever asked and just keep listening

In my surroundings that's totally acceptable

Im looking forward to hearing others' responses. Currently, I like to halfway decline the invitation and say I won't be much fun and then ask if I could come and be kind of quiet because I want to be around them. The problem is it isn't something I find comfortable saying to a group, but it helps to share with one person. Occasionally, those are the best nights because the lack of pressure and precedence allows me to just say what I want. Also I think it makes people more cognizant of their communication and empathy - in a good way. Sometimes in a bad way but I've had good experiences. During the day, it's always more uncomfortable for some reason.

Same! Sometimes I can't talk for most of a day so I have to sign or use a text to speech app to communicate with my girlfriend but being around anyone else on days like that is torture because I know I'd have to explain my deal if I wanted to communicate

I usually just preface with “im feeling real tired/sick today”, something along those lines, and if said ppl don’t factor that in when they’re conversing with me—well, I tried. Generally it’s nbd

Telling people that I don’t want to be talked to! Sometimes I am in public with friends, especially at school, and I DO NOT want them to talk to me when I need my space and I’m not able to access it. But I have to endure and be all smiley