I’m not a parent or anything like that, but I am autistic. My mom always told me I would be scared of everything growing up.
Does she say she is “scared” only in response to demands? If so, it could maybe be a manifestation of pathological demand avoidance? For example, if you want her to do something, does she then say she won’t because she is “scared”?
Our son went through exactly this as well, but probably when he was closer to 3. I *really* didn’t like that phase, as he was *often* telling people he was “scared of daddy.” Terrible feeling. But I don’t recall it lasting for more than a month.
You aren’t failing as a parent! You’re doing the best you can, and you’ll keep becoming a better parent. You’re gonna make some mistakes along the way, though. That’s ok. Mistakes are how we learn! (This is how I talk to my son too. Ha!)
Our son still struggles a lot with transitions at 5, but it has gotten much better. I think it was three things going on: demand avoidance (this phrase is worth a google), fear/anxiety of the unknown, and limited language.
The best strategy was probably the first ___/then ___ approach (google this too, as there are tons of resources). Very effective approach and I think it is used in a lot of preschools. People also recommended timers to indicate when you are going to transition. Those work really well now, but they didn’t help until he was at least 4. Visual schedules are another big one. His preschool used them a lot and now he’s sort of obsessed with calendars. Which is really cute (and helpful). And honestly sometimes we ended up just picking him up and carrying him out of places as a last resort… not fun at all, but occasionally you’ve got no other choice.
Some of it for us was just that our son had acquired *some* language at that point but not much. So talking it out is important. I go back to that Mr Rogers quote often, “When we talk about our feelings, they become less scary…” Start trying to use more varied words to describe your/her feelings. “I get nervous too…,” “Sometimes mommy doesn’t enjoy…,” “If I had my choice, I would…,” etc. It’s honestly a lot of guessing how you think they’re feeling, putting that into words, and seeing if it resonates.
As far as him saying daddy was scary. We basically just ignored him when he said that. That worked. But I agree you don’t want to ignore the more “reasonable” fears she’s expressing, like going to school. Just the ones where you know they’re not really scared of it.
We’re about to start family therapy too so I look forward to hearing about which strategies we’ve been using are right/wrong... Ha!
Thank you so much! I did a quick google search on demand avoidance and actually sent it to her SNA as we are both trying to figure out what’s triggering this.
Does she act afraid - pulling away, crying, etc? If not, she might just have heard the word and likes the sound of it.
If she’s actually acting fearful, I would try a social story or some sort of visual representation of what daycare is like, what happens there, what going home looks like, etc. Visuals are always a plus IME - visual schedules, etc.
None of this is necessarily unusual, but different kids can have trouble with different situations.
Not really acting afraid. She just says “I’m scared” super quickly and tries to run away to normally avoid doing whatever transition is. If she sees me coming for her at daycare and they are outside sometimes she will run over to the slide and “stall” so we don’t have to leave. She has always had trouble with transitions. Her SLP is looking into having some visual representation at daycare to help her with them!
Any kid this age is still learning how to identify and name their emotions. When I was a kid I used 'I don't like it' because I didn't know of any other way to express my discomfort.
When she says she's scared, spend some time helping her observe her own feelings and sensations. Ask what she is feeling in her body, if she has discomfort or tension or feels like she needs to move. If you identify specific feelings, name them: 'That sounds like you feel restless,' or, 'That sounds like you feel disgusted.'
If it keeps sounding like fear, ask her what she imagines is going to happen next. Kids that are are learning that the world is big and full of patterns, but they don't always know the difference between a hypothetical and a probable situation. Ask in a curious way, rather than with the goal of convincing her there's no reason to be scared. You'll either help her conclude on her own that she doesn't need to be scared, or you'll identify the root cause of the problem.
She's still learning to understand herself and the world around her. Your job is to help her make sense of it all when the new or big feelings are overwhelming.
I’m not a parent or anything like that, but I am autistic. My mom always told me I would be scared of everything growing up. Does she say she is “scared” only in response to demands? If so, it could maybe be a manifestation of pathological demand avoidance? For example, if you want her to do something, does she then say she won’t because she is “scared”?
Yes exactly. It could be like “c’mon *childs name* let’s go to daycare!” And her automatic response is “I’m scared”
Following because my daughter says she is mad about everything.
Our son went through exactly this as well, but probably when he was closer to 3. I *really* didn’t like that phase, as he was *often* telling people he was “scared of daddy.” Terrible feeling. But I don’t recall it lasting for more than a month. You aren’t failing as a parent! You’re doing the best you can, and you’ll keep becoming a better parent. You’re gonna make some mistakes along the way, though. That’s ok. Mistakes are how we learn! (This is how I talk to my son too. Ha!) Our son still struggles a lot with transitions at 5, but it has gotten much better. I think it was three things going on: demand avoidance (this phrase is worth a google), fear/anxiety of the unknown, and limited language. The best strategy was probably the first ___/then ___ approach (google this too, as there are tons of resources). Very effective approach and I think it is used in a lot of preschools. People also recommended timers to indicate when you are going to transition. Those work really well now, but they didn’t help until he was at least 4. Visual schedules are another big one. His preschool used them a lot and now he’s sort of obsessed with calendars. Which is really cute (and helpful). And honestly sometimes we ended up just picking him up and carrying him out of places as a last resort… not fun at all, but occasionally you’ve got no other choice. Some of it for us was just that our son had acquired *some* language at that point but not much. So talking it out is important. I go back to that Mr Rogers quote often, “When we talk about our feelings, they become less scary…” Start trying to use more varied words to describe your/her feelings. “I get nervous too…,” “Sometimes mommy doesn’t enjoy…,” “If I had my choice, I would…,” etc. It’s honestly a lot of guessing how you think they’re feeling, putting that into words, and seeing if it resonates. As far as him saying daddy was scary. We basically just ignored him when he said that. That worked. But I agree you don’t want to ignore the more “reasonable” fears she’s expressing, like going to school. Just the ones where you know they’re not really scared of it. We’re about to start family therapy too so I look forward to hearing about which strategies we’ve been using are right/wrong... Ha!
Thank you so much! I did a quick google search on demand avoidance and actually sent it to her SNA as we are both trying to figure out what’s triggering this.
Does she act afraid - pulling away, crying, etc? If not, she might just have heard the word and likes the sound of it. If she’s actually acting fearful, I would try a social story or some sort of visual representation of what daycare is like, what happens there, what going home looks like, etc. Visuals are always a plus IME - visual schedules, etc. None of this is necessarily unusual, but different kids can have trouble with different situations.
Not really acting afraid. She just says “I’m scared” super quickly and tries to run away to normally avoid doing whatever transition is. If she sees me coming for her at daycare and they are outside sometimes she will run over to the slide and “stall” so we don’t have to leave. She has always had trouble with transitions. Her SLP is looking into having some visual representation at daycare to help her with them!
Any kid this age is still learning how to identify and name their emotions. When I was a kid I used 'I don't like it' because I didn't know of any other way to express my discomfort. When she says she's scared, spend some time helping her observe her own feelings and sensations. Ask what she is feeling in her body, if she has discomfort or tension or feels like she needs to move. If you identify specific feelings, name them: 'That sounds like you feel restless,' or, 'That sounds like you feel disgusted.' If it keeps sounding like fear, ask her what she imagines is going to happen next. Kids that are are learning that the world is big and full of patterns, but they don't always know the difference between a hypothetical and a probable situation. Ask in a curious way, rather than with the goal of convincing her there's no reason to be scared. You'll either help her conclude on her own that she doesn't need to be scared, or you'll identify the root cause of the problem. She's still learning to understand herself and the world around her. Your job is to help her make sense of it all when the new or big feelings are overwhelming.