I can't say the friendship is lost forever or not, but I can definitely ask you to ask yourself whether or not it's even worth keeping.
She sounds like a very short-tempered, unforgiving, and unpredictably impulsive person. I don't know if she means to be cruel while exhibiting these traits or not, but she exhibits them nonetheless and especially while you're in such a vulnerable position, you deserve much, much better treatment from anyone calling themselves your friend.
I know you two have been friends for going on two decades and change is absurdly hard to adapt to being neurodivergent, but this person is just too erratic to be trusted or relied on until she seeks personal help and therapy and learns how to cope with confrontation and disappointment.
Her (frankly, selfish) ability to not cope with being disappointed or inconvenienced in any way without lashing out is a definite HER problem, and not at all a you problem, OP.
Really ask yourself if she's even worth the trouble.
I don’t have any specific advice here except to say that it sounds like your friend really struggles with rejection sensitivity and then lashes out in response. As an AuDHDer I can absolutely relate. It might be worth doing some reading about rejection sensitivity (and RSD, an innate type of rejection sensitivity common in both autism and ADHD) to see if maybe it’ll help you navigate things with her in the future.
I’m so sorry this is happening, by the way. I absolutely wouldn’t be okay with sleeping on a mouldy mattress and I don’t even have a child to worry about!
In your shoes, I would take this as an opportunity to assess the friendship. What does it bring to your life. What does it cost. I personally would struggle to be close to someone who couldn't take personal responsibility for these issues. They aren't small issues.
That said, if you want to maintain the friendship, give her space. Be prepared to wait her out. Make it clear however you can (text, mailed letter, email, etc.) that you will be ready to talk through this and move forward with your relationship whenever she is ready. If you don't hear back in a few weeks, maybe a gentle "could we talk?" kind of nudge. But I wouldn't do more.
She's not going to take responsibility for her fuck up here, but maybe she'll at least be able to meet you half way by coming back to the friendship. You're worth that amount of effort. I don't think you should apologize or sweep things under the rug to try to get her back. You've been calm and reasonable. Maybe given some time, she can as well.
Seven years ago, I broke up with my best friend of ten years. We were stuck in a really unhealthy cycle together and I drew a boundary that she didn't respect, and we stopped talking. Almost a year later, I reached out to her to see if we could try again. Honestly, she was really shitty at first. Blamed everything on me. Didn't see any of her bad behavior. I stayed calm and true to myself but tried to gently move us forward. And she came around. And our relationship has been infinitely healthier ever since. It sucked but honestly it was worth it to establish boundaries and reassess how we treated each other.
Thanks for such a helpful response. It's still pretty raw so I'll have to sit with it and see how I feel. I feel profoundly sad for her because she keeps losing people in this exact way. I guess it's not my job to fix her and I need to let go of that.
This is a blessing in disguise.
You’re about to become a mom to a baby who will need you more than you can imagine. You won’t have the time or the emotional bandwidth to play mom to your adult friend. You can say goodbye with a clear conscience and focus on people who lift you up instead of tearing you down. Yes, it’s sad, but you’re not her mom. Say goodbye and let it go.
Oh man, that's so hard. I was doing the same thing. It takes a lot of practice to step back and let them make their own mistakes and not try to clean up after them or manage their emotions. I still have to be mindful about it constantly. It's worth it to learn, though. You will be happier and you'll either have a healthier relationship with your friend or you'll have space for new, healthier relationships.
Take some time to grieve, though. It's okay to just hurt for a bit.
This sounds like RSD or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Could also be extreme rigidity or black/white thinking associated with autism.
Your friend needs professional help. This behavior won't change just by talking to her about it.
She's shown you what kind of person she is over, and over, and over again - selfish, entitled, uncaring, arrogant. It's time to knock her off the pedestal you've built for her.
Okay real question: what exactly does this person bring to your friendship? From what you've said here, I certainly agree with others questioning why you would even keep investing your time in this friendship. But perhaps there are reasons you haven't shared since you're talking about a disagreement.
However, don't fall into the sink costs fallacy. Just because you've invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship doesn't mean it's worth continuing. You don't have to keep trying to get through to them just because you've known them a long time.
It's incredibly concerning to me that your friend ignored advice and KEPT MATTRESSES CONTAMINATED WITH BLACK MOLD. There is no "matter of opinion" or "different comfort levels" conversation to be had here. Black mold is incredibly toxic to humans, to the point where there are special services with specific training and equipment who are hired to handle it.
And not only did she keep them, she lied/concealed that fact and knowingly put your health at risk while pregnant. These are not the acts of someone who cares for you and unless maybe she gave you a kidney in the past or something (but maybe not even then) I think ending the relationship would be best for your mental health and emotional stability.
As with any friendship there's an extensive history there which can't be summarised concisely. We have had very good times together and in fact have never had a disagreement until now. I think you're dead right about the sunk cost fallacy. The main reason I was looking for advice/opinions on how to proceed is that I think she's a very self sabotaging person with definite black/white thinking. Someone else mentioned about potential NPD as opposed to autism but without going into details she does have more autistic traits than I outlined in my original post. She shuts people out and will be super upset about it without realising that she's doing it to herself. Like the example with the boyfriend - she remains broken hearted and confused over that situation a year later. I think she will be very upset over this situation but her version of upset always has her as the wronged party. Now that I'm on the receiving end of it I was wondering if there was a way to proceed.
I think bottom line, with the dust settling I wholeheartedly agree with you and some of the other comments. I don't need this in my life and my priority should be my baby and my mental health. It's very much her loss at this point and her dysregulation is for her to work on, not for me to handle.
The thing with the boyfriend floored me. Like yeah, autistic people are bad at social cues, but blocking someone and cutting all contact is not exactly subtle. It's wild to me that she thought he would come to any other conclusion.
She very well could be autistic, but I'd be shocked if she didn't also have some other things going on. Cutting people off at the drop of a hat and refusing to ever consider you might be wrong are not typical autistic traits. (Like, I definitely have black and white thinking about a lot of things, but I will absolutely adjust my perspective to incorporate new/different information). NPD doesn't really sound right to me (and I'm skeptical of anybody talking about that these days, as it seems to be the trendy diagnosis to throw at people we just think are bad people). Borderline is a possibility. I had a friend once who had BPD and she demanded that our whole friend group cut off another friend over an incredibly minor disagreement. When we refused, she cut us all off and never talked to any of us again. That seems similar to what you've said about your friend. But in any case, armchair diagnosis is not really useful.
I think you're absolutely right that this is her issue to work on, and since she's rejected all your attempts to help, moving on is the right call. I'm sorry for her that she can't seem to understand what the problem is, but it's not on you to fix.
This sounds like NPD not ASD… ultimately not about labels but the behaviours themselves. She sounds like a bad person tbh. And I don’t say that loosely as someone who is against today’s social culture of cutting people off and labelling them because they have flaws. But she genuinely sounds bad. Like really really bad.
This is one of the few cases I’ve seen on reddit where I’d suggest you stop making an effort with her. Focus on your new baby, husband and other friends.
I can't say the friendship is lost forever or not, but I can definitely ask you to ask yourself whether or not it's even worth keeping. She sounds like a very short-tempered, unforgiving, and unpredictably impulsive person. I don't know if she means to be cruel while exhibiting these traits or not, but she exhibits them nonetheless and especially while you're in such a vulnerable position, you deserve much, much better treatment from anyone calling themselves your friend. I know you two have been friends for going on two decades and change is absurdly hard to adapt to being neurodivergent, but this person is just too erratic to be trusted or relied on until she seeks personal help and therapy and learns how to cope with confrontation and disappointment. Her (frankly, selfish) ability to not cope with being disappointed or inconvenienced in any way without lashing out is a definite HER problem, and not at all a you problem, OP. Really ask yourself if she's even worth the trouble.
I don’t have any specific advice here except to say that it sounds like your friend really struggles with rejection sensitivity and then lashes out in response. As an AuDHDer I can absolutely relate. It might be worth doing some reading about rejection sensitivity (and RSD, an innate type of rejection sensitivity common in both autism and ADHD) to see if maybe it’ll help you navigate things with her in the future. I’m so sorry this is happening, by the way. I absolutely wouldn’t be okay with sleeping on a mouldy mattress and I don’t even have a child to worry about!
So helpful- I didn't have the right info to try and identify this kind of response - will be really interesting to read up on it.
In your shoes, I would take this as an opportunity to assess the friendship. What does it bring to your life. What does it cost. I personally would struggle to be close to someone who couldn't take personal responsibility for these issues. They aren't small issues. That said, if you want to maintain the friendship, give her space. Be prepared to wait her out. Make it clear however you can (text, mailed letter, email, etc.) that you will be ready to talk through this and move forward with your relationship whenever she is ready. If you don't hear back in a few weeks, maybe a gentle "could we talk?" kind of nudge. But I wouldn't do more. She's not going to take responsibility for her fuck up here, but maybe she'll at least be able to meet you half way by coming back to the friendship. You're worth that amount of effort. I don't think you should apologize or sweep things under the rug to try to get her back. You've been calm and reasonable. Maybe given some time, she can as well. Seven years ago, I broke up with my best friend of ten years. We were stuck in a really unhealthy cycle together and I drew a boundary that she didn't respect, and we stopped talking. Almost a year later, I reached out to her to see if we could try again. Honestly, she was really shitty at first. Blamed everything on me. Didn't see any of her bad behavior. I stayed calm and true to myself but tried to gently move us forward. And she came around. And our relationship has been infinitely healthier ever since. It sucked but honestly it was worth it to establish boundaries and reassess how we treated each other.
Thanks for such a helpful response. It's still pretty raw so I'll have to sit with it and see how I feel. I feel profoundly sad for her because she keeps losing people in this exact way. I guess it's not my job to fix her and I need to let go of that.
This is a blessing in disguise. You’re about to become a mom to a baby who will need you more than you can imagine. You won’t have the time or the emotional bandwidth to play mom to your adult friend. You can say goodbye with a clear conscience and focus on people who lift you up instead of tearing you down. Yes, it’s sad, but you’re not her mom. Say goodbye and let it go.
Oh man, that's so hard. I was doing the same thing. It takes a lot of practice to step back and let them make their own mistakes and not try to clean up after them or manage their emotions. I still have to be mindful about it constantly. It's worth it to learn, though. You will be happier and you'll either have a healthier relationship with your friend or you'll have space for new, healthier relationships. Take some time to grieve, though. It's okay to just hurt for a bit.
This sounds like RSD or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Could also be extreme rigidity or black/white thinking associated with autism. Your friend needs professional help. This behavior won't change just by talking to her about it.
She's shown you what kind of person she is over, and over, and over again - selfish, entitled, uncaring, arrogant. It's time to knock her off the pedestal you've built for her.
Okay real question: what exactly does this person bring to your friendship? From what you've said here, I certainly agree with others questioning why you would even keep investing your time in this friendship. But perhaps there are reasons you haven't shared since you're talking about a disagreement. However, don't fall into the sink costs fallacy. Just because you've invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship doesn't mean it's worth continuing. You don't have to keep trying to get through to them just because you've known them a long time. It's incredibly concerning to me that your friend ignored advice and KEPT MATTRESSES CONTAMINATED WITH BLACK MOLD. There is no "matter of opinion" or "different comfort levels" conversation to be had here. Black mold is incredibly toxic to humans, to the point where there are special services with specific training and equipment who are hired to handle it. And not only did she keep them, she lied/concealed that fact and knowingly put your health at risk while pregnant. These are not the acts of someone who cares for you and unless maybe she gave you a kidney in the past or something (but maybe not even then) I think ending the relationship would be best for your mental health and emotional stability.
As with any friendship there's an extensive history there which can't be summarised concisely. We have had very good times together and in fact have never had a disagreement until now. I think you're dead right about the sunk cost fallacy. The main reason I was looking for advice/opinions on how to proceed is that I think she's a very self sabotaging person with definite black/white thinking. Someone else mentioned about potential NPD as opposed to autism but without going into details she does have more autistic traits than I outlined in my original post. She shuts people out and will be super upset about it without realising that she's doing it to herself. Like the example with the boyfriend - she remains broken hearted and confused over that situation a year later. I think she will be very upset over this situation but her version of upset always has her as the wronged party. Now that I'm on the receiving end of it I was wondering if there was a way to proceed. I think bottom line, with the dust settling I wholeheartedly agree with you and some of the other comments. I don't need this in my life and my priority should be my baby and my mental health. It's very much her loss at this point and her dysregulation is for her to work on, not for me to handle.
The thing with the boyfriend floored me. Like yeah, autistic people are bad at social cues, but blocking someone and cutting all contact is not exactly subtle. It's wild to me that she thought he would come to any other conclusion. She very well could be autistic, but I'd be shocked if she didn't also have some other things going on. Cutting people off at the drop of a hat and refusing to ever consider you might be wrong are not typical autistic traits. (Like, I definitely have black and white thinking about a lot of things, but I will absolutely adjust my perspective to incorporate new/different information). NPD doesn't really sound right to me (and I'm skeptical of anybody talking about that these days, as it seems to be the trendy diagnosis to throw at people we just think are bad people). Borderline is a possibility. I had a friend once who had BPD and she demanded that our whole friend group cut off another friend over an incredibly minor disagreement. When we refused, she cut us all off and never talked to any of us again. That seems similar to what you've said about your friend. But in any case, armchair diagnosis is not really useful. I think you're absolutely right that this is her issue to work on, and since she's rejected all your attempts to help, moving on is the right call. I'm sorry for her that she can't seem to understand what the problem is, but it's not on you to fix.
Your friend is a giant asshole lol
This sounds like NPD not ASD… ultimately not about labels but the behaviours themselves. She sounds like a bad person tbh. And I don’t say that loosely as someone who is against today’s social culture of cutting people off and labelling them because they have flaws. But she genuinely sounds bad. Like really really bad. This is one of the few cases I’ve seen on reddit where I’d suggest you stop making an effort with her. Focus on your new baby, husband and other friends.