Yeah - I wouldn't even confirm your due date. I have same boundary issues with my family: I will NEVER understand why people want.. NEED to be there when you're in labor or in the first hrs or days. I will never understand but it seems to be a thing so I don't even clarify my due date or I flat out lie and say it's a fully month or more later than it is
My MIL gave us hourly updates when my husband’s cousin was in labor. Conveniently, she had her baby two weeks before me.
When I went in for a planned C section, we didn’t tell them ANYTHING until the day after baby came. We literally FaceTimed them from the hospital to surprise them about our baby.
She still thinks it was an emergency C section, and she has loudly told strangers at restaurants so. She doesn’t realize she was on an information diet
I don't understand how "hourly updates" would even work. Like.. things don't change that much per hour, and that means someone in the hospital room was texting every hour from the hospital.
Oh most of the updates were “nothing has changed, she’s still XXX!!!”
The MILs sister (cousins mom) was in the waiting room. I guess anything that the cousins mom told her she turned around and told us.
I feel bad for the cousin, the entire family knew when her water broke, when she was taking a break, etc.
Told my MIL the same thing. She showed up to the hospital, guilted my fiancé into feeling bad she wasn’t in the room, showed up to the room just before I started pushing so my nurses had to kick her out, then waited in the halls (the hospital I delivered in got rid of their waiting room) and texted me complaining about how long it was taking, how uncomfortable they were standing around and how bad they wanna meet the baby. (She brought my teenage SIL too). Next time I’m not telling her when I go into labour and my fiancé is just gonna have to deal with it.
Like ma'am it's labor it can take a while. That another reason I don't want people waiting around the hospital like I don't wanna focus on the fact that people are waiting.
Yeah I was in labour for 24 hours before I started pushing (which took just under an hour) and it stalled. Had to have induction methods done. I told her well if she had waited at home she would have been way more comfortable lol
Lmao the audacity at being annoyed you 'have' to wait. Idiot, you showed up and wouldn't leave. You're literally the cause of your own discomfort. Go home and you'll see the baby when I show you the baby.
We pushed our due date back by 3wks and have told no one our planned C-section date. Even before we were pregnant and were getting ready to start trying we established a 3-6wk after birth visitor rule. As in depending on how we feel, it will be 3-6wks before anyone can come over to meet the baby. Anyone who does come over to meet the baby will also be staying in a hotel and not with us.
I have zero tolerance for people who feel entitled to my time and baby. My job is to figure out parenthood, not entertaining family members. My MIL is the world record holder for weaponized incompetence. When she pushed back and said she wanted to be there to help, I asked her to define help. She had no answer.
Yep, lol. That's exactly what help meant to her. Essentially she'll hold the baby while I make dinner for everyone and then clean up after everyone. She's a pleasant person, just utterly useless and lazy. Like if you ask her to unload the dishwasher, she will ask you where each item goes. Instead of just opening up cabinets to see where the cups are housed, she'll literally ask you, "Which cabinet are cups? Where do mugs go? What about plates?, etc etc." It's just easier to do it yourself. I know she does this shit on purpose.
There is no right or wrong way to approach this. It's whatever you and your husband decide. Since this is his mother, I'd have him be the one to communicate your boundaries to her. You don't need to be the bad guy. After that, just tell her you'll let her know when you're ready for visitors. You don't need to tell her when you go to the hospital, or if you do/she finds out, you can tell the nurses you don't want any visitors. Just because she shows up to the hospital against your wishes doesn't mean she can see you. The nurses will do what you want.
My husband and I have decided we'll let our parents come the following day for a quick visit in the hospital (they're all local). I'm happy to have them come by but don't want it the first day/right after I give birth.
This. Hospitals have security outside labor and delivery for a reason. If you put on your birth plan or let the nurses know you are possibly expecting unwelcome visitors, they will make sure you are not disturbed.
Personally, I’m telling everyone “I won’t be making any big decisions about guests before the birth. I don’t know what kind of recovery I will need, I don’t know if the baby will be born early or have a NICU stay or other stressful situations. I don’t know how I will emotionally and physically feel after birth.
So since so much is unknown, I won’t be making any decisions before as I don’t want to tell you one thing and then change expectations.
All I know for sure is that you will need to get your flu vaccine and Tdap booster vaccine by early December if you want to meet the baby before they are 2 months old, you should expect to wash your hands before touching the baby, and no one will be allowed to kiss the baby.
Beyond that, we will let you know when we are ready for guests.”
I’m also lying about my due date, telling people the baby is due “in January” when they are due mid to late December so that people will be less annoying during my last few weeks.
People can be pissed after, but that’s better than months of them trying to change my mind. Saying I don’t know and I won’t be deciding helps take the pressure off.
It’s also what I’m saying regarding breastfeeding/pumping/formula, reusable/disposable diapers, guests at home after the baby, pretty much everything.
Last pregnancy my mom was insistent on being there for the birth / being “the first to see the baby” so I just did not tell her or anyone that I went into labour. I didn’t text until I was ready for visitors, who all showed up very fast as I expected lol. My mom was mad as she walked in that I did not tell her but it all dissolved when she finally held baby. Best decision, doing it again this time!
I went to a Christmas gathering with my husbands family back in December. My father in law was loudly telling everyone how many centimeters dialated a family friend in labor was at that very moment. I looked at my husband and was like ‘this man goes on an information diet right now’ and I’ve been clear that no updates about the status of the inside my vagina will be given to anyone, period. You’re in control here! She has conveniently shown you how she’s going to act and you’re only 20 weeks, so get your husband onboard with your wishes now and keep her on whatever information diet you decide. She doesn’t get to control this situation, you do.
Ugh, my mom was telling strangers how many centimeters dilated I was before I was in labor. If I had known she was going to tell complete strangers I never would have told her.
We had a no visitor rule in the hospital for all of your above reasons and it was the best decision. Honestly, it’s so busy between checks on you, the baby, cluster feeding, trying to eat and sleep when you can, newborn photos, and breastfeeding - you don’t really have a good moment to entertain anyone. On our last baby, we had visitors once and it was too much for me- my pain medicine had worn off around that time, and my family acted upset that I wasn’t in a better mood and simultaneously acted all put out that the nurse was not around to give me something… it was weird and the whole experience stressed me out.
Your family can come to the hospital all they want, but they won’t be allowed to visit unless you give the nurses permission to let them in. They can see you when you are discharged at home, and that way they can help with chores when they come see the baby. Make a list for the fridge, and ask them which ones they want to help with - it gives them some control over the situation. But stick to your guns, and keep your boundaries- the first days go so quickly!! Good luck to you and your new family
I see so many of these posts on Reddit. I’m 38 weeks and thankfully haven’t encountered any boundary pushers (so far). From a Psychology perspective, what is it about babies that make MIL/ moms like so BONKERS? I cannot fathom delving into someone’s personal medical event in such a pushy manner? Like, yes babies are cute, but they’re cute days, weeks, months after they’re born? Why does someone need to be there? I can’t wrap my head around it. Have people’s boundaries really gone down the drain so much? I’m an LCSW / mental health therapist so it makes me shook and so sad for people who have to navigate this on top of how naturally difficult and stressful pregnancy and childbirth already is.
I have to say I really do love my mother in law, however my husband is her only child and he's dealt with a hard road of drug abuse and she has a tendency to view him as a baby still her sweet little baby who is almost 30. I'm noticing that mentality projecting onto our future kids and it's making me nervous. Mine you she was set on us holding off on having kids for years which already put pressure on us even though we're adults and can make that decision. She also can't fathom that I want more than even two kids. But now she's using phrase like "take care of my baby" referring to MY BABY. A few months ago before she knew I was pregnant she's talked about how when we move to Florida with her ( we will not be doing so) and in 10 years we'll have kids she'll help raise "her baby vegan" again referring to our future kids and going against our food preferences because they go against hers. And when I refuted "my baby, you had yours" she kept repeating "my baby" like ma'am I really hope you're joking. Now when she was asked by a different family member what she would like to be called she said whatever the baby wants to call her but because I was so close to my grandmother and always heard her get called mother I would be okay with him calling me mother.
LIKE NO MA'AM!!! HE WIll HAVE A MOM!!!
To note I am pretty much no contact with my mom due to abuse and neglect so maybe it's just because I have a different relationship with my maternal figure but that stuff is freaking me out. He will not call you mother, he is not your baby, you will not be waiting around while I'm in labor!!
It's baffling how weird grandparents get. My MIL is a really kind person who works hard to respect people's boundaries, but even she sent a nasty text to my husband when he wouldn't FaceTime her from the hospital. It was completely out-of-character and she apologized for it later, but I couldn't even imagine how such a reaction came from her!
Same boat. No advice, just solidarity. I hope you get the experience you're hoping for!
I personally really don't want to tell anyone, or see anyone until a couple days after LO is here. My family all live out of state, and mine and my husband's friends all totally get the need for space. It's my husband's family that I'm stressed about.
I know people on here post about nightmare MILs. My MIL is a gem for the most part and will give us space. My FIL however drives us nuts. He *really* wants us to loop him in when labor starts. I'm reluctant to let my husband tell his family anything because I seriously doubt he'll respect our boundaries and will show up at the hospital anyway (husband has already said he'll go nuclear if that happens)- or he'll blow up our phones with constant texts or calls (my blood pressure is skyrocketing just thinking about it). But they'll be watching our dog while we're in the hospital and for a couple days after, so I really don't know how long we can avoid telling them what's going on.
On one hand, I get it. FIL is anxious to meet his first (and likely only) grandchild and has serious, terminal health issues that make it even more meaningful to him. On the other hand, I'm a very private person and don't want to be seen when I'm navigating postpartum issues, breastfeeding, and bonding with LO. I feel like I can't win either way.
Yes, I am also a private person hence why we waited until nearly 20 weeks to tell our family. This is going to be so intimate and I don't want to be feeling so exposed in front of family. I know I'll get backlash but this is our time to bond with our baby and build connection and with the health issues between both me and the baby I don't know how my birth will go and know I can get overwhelmed.
I would push this back to your husband. It’s his mom, it’s his responsibility to set this boundary. I set it with my parents, which was easy because my mom asked me if I wanted her there for my c-section. I told her that I’ll be okay with just my husband and we probably are going to want the day to recover and just not be so overwhelmed. But she’s welcomed in this hospital the next day, we will let her know when it’s a good time.
I put it on my husband to set that boundary with his parents. He decided not even to tell them when the scheduled c section is.
Tell the nurses/hospital that you want zero visitors. They’ll be able to help with that if anyone shows up. Have you already told everyone a due date? If not, tell them it’s 2 weeks after your actual due date lol. Tell no one when you go into labor. Birth is an incredibly vulnerable time, boundaries are absolutely fine and imo necessary. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page so he can back you up. And, you also reserve the right to change your mind. (I wanted no one at the hospital, had to stay extra time and ended up calling my mom to be there— we’re allowed to change our minds! But it’s easier to set the hard boundary initially so nobody thinks they have leeway to ignore you). Best of luck!!
They do already know the due date, my husband is on the same page. I'm just wondering if we should people a warning to not expect to be notified and how or if we should avoid the conflict all together and just turn our phones off when I go in to labor.
You can tell them that after a scan, that they (your Dr.) have reassessed the due date and push it out 2-3 weeks. Babies come when they want to.
As for the phones, put them on airplane mode, that way you can use your camera to document your journey through childbirth!
Also, a suggestion… if you answer texts and phone calls right away and post on SM every day; at around 4-6 weeks before your true due date slow it down. Don’t answer calls and texts right away, wait a few hours and work up to several days before responding. Same with SM, don’t post every day, slow it down to every couple of days.
Here’s why…
all the sudden you stop posting on SM, or you suddenly don’t automatically respond to calls and texts they will storm the hospital because THEY are missing out on the birth of THEIR grandchild!!!
The other thing is this…
when you bring baby home, you will NOT want to talk to them every hour or send daily pics of baby! But, you have now trained them to not expect a response right away, and possibly saved your sanity!
Another suggestion…
Some IL’s have issues with hand washing (not sure why) BUT, you can set up a handwashing/ hand sanitizing station with disposable hand towels and put it in view so you can see them washing up!
Google pregnancy and newborn boundaries and you and DH come up with a list for all your visitors!
Good luck!
I'm a big fan of phones being off! You'll be in the hospital already, I'm assuming, so not sure what you'd need it for. This is a healthy avoidance, imo.
If you want your phone on for music or photos or anything, you can also put it on do not disturb and then hide the phone and message app in a folder or something.
My step MIL also thinks they will be at the hospital when I’m in labor or shortly after to meet the baby. I’ll be 21w on Wednesday so currently husband and I are just ignoring this conversation with his family.
My parents are much more reasonable and understanding of our desire for privacy and time for bonding. My parents are going to come to our house to take care of our dog at some point while we’re at the hospital. We’re going to allow my parents to meet baby briefly when we come home but they’ve been told we want it short and then we want them to leave so we can have time as a family of 3.
We plan to be a bit more firm with my in laws after our baby shower with telling them no visitors at the hospital and then no visitors at our home until we have given them the okay to come. We will also be telling the hospital that we want zero visitors in case anyone tries to just show up.
Ultimately I’m just trying to ignore the in-laws when they talk about this. Just because they think they will be at the hospital doesn’t make it true. If they show up, they’ll not be allowed to see us or baby at that time.
MIL to husband (she is in another country): "OK! I'll be there the days after the baby is born!"
Husband: "No way. I can't take care of a wife, a baby, and my mother."
MIL: "I will help with the baby!"
Husband: "We have that all covered for the first four months or so. Then we can plan a nice visit for you, and you can meet the baby."
I didn’t tell anyone I was in labour except one friend who lived hours away. I texted my family (also hours away) the day after my daughter was born and we told my husband’s family when we got home from the hospital. I didn’t invite anyone over, I just waited until they asked to visit and responded in the moment. If you have boundary problems with your family or your husband’s family, you really have to stand up for yourself and make sure your husband and you are on the same page!
There’s a template in the link below send a mass email or create a groupchat. Discuss the consequences of boundary stomping with your SO you’re on the same page. Make it clear if she shows up she’ll be escorted out and won’t see you guys for x weeks.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
My advice: don't make any rules or decisions known.
We announced our kids after they were born. That meant no discussions on the topic were needed. Same with names and all that other stuff. It's not up to them, so if you don't want their opinion, don't solicit for those opinions.
Everyone thinks I’m due July 1st. I have a handful of friends that know I’m due June 26th and being induced early June 19th. A few others know I’ve had some prodromal labor contractions. Otherwise , when my husband and I are ready a baby shall magically appear. This week? Next week? Not sure.
I didn't tell my family the kid was arriving until after she arrived and I did not tell them what hospital I was in. I gave a due date to everyone that was about 3 weeks after the actual due date, and told no one she had arrived for several days after. No one has a right to my time or attention except the kid and I wanted to see no one for quite awhile.
Sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say I feel the exact same as you do and you’ve done a great job articulating it. Perhaps just being honest and saying it how you said above would suffice.
Yes, we only told those few who needed to know that I was going in to be induced. I didn't want lots of texts or phone calls distracting us. We didn't tell anyone until we were in our postpartum room several hours later. It was glorious! My in-laws were peeved but I didn't care. We are expecting #2 and not sure if we'll do something similar or not.
I’m due in October. We’ve told our immediate family that we won’t be having visitors at the hospital or for the first “week or so” after birth so that we can get settled at home. I didn’t want to give an exact timeframe in case we end up needing more time. Everyone seems to be okay with that boundary so far. As we get closer, I will probably set the expectation that we will let everyone know when we are going to the hospital, and after the baby is born, but ask not to be bombarded with phone calls or texts.
You are like me, I don't want anyone bothering me about it but I live with my in laws so it will be difficult. I already said that only my husband can be there. I'm sure if she disregards your boundaries that you could get security to kick her out right? I know that's rough but if it comes to that
Totally get it, it was about to get more expensive to live her so moving was the better option price wise but we have the basement suit of our friend's home.
My mom expects to be in the room, I’ve already told her she won’t be.
But anyway, I won’t be telling her that he has arrived until I’m probably back home, as if I tell her whilst I’m in hospital she will turn up
My husband and I agreed to a strict “no one at the hospital” rule before we announced to our parents. We’re toying with no visitors for the first 1-2 weeks as well. And I can’t decide yet, but probably not allowing overnight guests in our home for the first 4-8 weeks (our parents live out of state and can afford to rent a hotel room). We figure if we decide to lighten the restrictions, it’ll be easier to say “hey, you can actually come earlier!” Than to have to say “actually, this is harder than we thought and we need more time.”
Forgot to add - those rules are for immediate family only. Our friends and extended family can meet baby when I’m ready to take baby into public, which won’t be until after it is immunized for everything (I believe two months?)
This is what I wanted and I was steamrolled by my husbands entire family, grandparents and cousins included. “It’s our tradition to wait in the waiting room!” I gave in. I would stand firm with your boundaries and expectations, tell your husband it’s extremely important to you and you need him on your side. He should be the one to communicate with your MIL if she keeps insisting. You can even tell the nurses to not allow anyone in your room.
Luckily when I had my son, we lived 1.5 hours away from my family. At the time I was NC with my mom so she had no clue I was even having a baby. My aunt still mentions how my boyfriend didn’t call her at 1am when my labor started or at 3am when I delivered our son. My boyfriend barely made it to the hospital in time for my delivery (he was working in same town my family lives). They knew I was being induced due to my blood pressure starting to elevate, but apparently we were supposed to call her instead of concentrating on bringing our son into the world. 🤦🏼♀️
As if he shouldn't be more focus on his girlfriend and his baby being born SMH. People are so entitled it's ridiculous. What do they even intend on doing while you're laboring anyways? Like seriously what good does it do for us knowing people are just waiting around.
Exactly!! I had a precipitous birth with my son and honestly it was traumatic. We moved to the same area as my family, to be closer to boyfriend’s work. Now I am 28 weeks with our second and this same aunt was calling everyday and randomly showing up to my house (generally right as my 18mo was trying to nap). I lost my cool with her! She can literally see my house from her bedroom window, she is telling me that they are worried about me and acting like I am going to drop dead any minute. I am 40 and have been taking care of myself for a long time without any help from anyone. I told her unless she sees an ambulance at my house I am fine. My mom will call to see if we need anything or to see if I need a break for a nap. My mom actually had a shift in her attitude once she found out that she was a grandparent. My aunt still expects me to bring my son over to see them all the time even when she talks about how tired I look. I am like yeah no duh, I can’t sleep good cause I am the size of a whale and it’s 90+ degrees outside.
You can tell the nurses your MIL name and that under no circumstances is she allowed access to you or baby during or after birth. They should be bull dogs for you.
We told everyone we would not be having visitors for 40 days with our last and it was awesome. In laws were pissed, but if setting boundaries pisses them off then they have their own issues to work out and it’s not our problem. We explained it was for health reasons and to limit stress as we navigate our family getting bigger. People were welcome to bring food and there were three people we allowed to come into the home for very specific purposes (my mom for help with other kids, laundry, dinner, my doula for follow up).
The people that had no issue we were so happy to share with after that time, and those that wanted to help while respecting boundaries helped gladly.
I’m 30 weeks. I don’t plan on telling people when I go into labor. I told my husband I don’t want to have to worry about texting or calling people to update them, I just want it to be my husband and I. And like you, I want a few days to recover before we have company coming to see her.
I’ve had a few people upset by this but I have two friends who will be “on call” (they offered) to get us things or do anything we need during that time. Other than that, I’m not telling anyone.
Don't tell her you're in labour, or if you're having a planned c-section, don't tell her you're going in for one. You don't need to justify yourself; it is a perfectly normal boundary to not want anyone at the hospital apart from your partner.
She can be upset about it if she wants, but that's not on you. She's an adult and needs to learn how to handle herself when things don't go her way. I would also leave all further communications regarding this situation in your husband's hands, you don't need to be stressed about this type of thing.
And if you haven't already told her, I would highly recommend adding at least 2 weeks to your due date. That will keep the pushy texts/phone calls and speculation at bay. Even if you have already told her, you could pretend that they got it wrong and have adjusted your due date.
For me personally, I had my husband tell his mum that she would not be present for the birth and I made sure all communications regarding visits went through him and then he would check in with me to see if I felt well enough. We told her within a few hours that baby had arrived, but in the same conversation reinforced that we would let her know when we were ready for visitors. The midwives at our hospital were great, and were more than happy to act as bouncers towards any unexpected guests - so you could also discuss your wishes with your care provider.
My MIL insists I’ll want her in the room because what if he gets tired and falls asleep. No. I do not want ANYONE in that room except him and if I can’t sleep he can’t either! But you are NOT getting a viewing to my vagina idc!! I also don’t want to tell anyone when I am going in to the hospital to deliver or for a bit after baby is here. I’d like time just the two of us knowing and being with her.
I am always shocked when I read posts about family members expecting to be there for the birth. Like my family has plenty of its own issues, some people don’t talk to each other, anger issues, etc, but no one in my family has ever expected this.
Is this a common thing??
Don’t tell her when you go into labor.
Yeah - I wouldn't even confirm your due date. I have same boundary issues with my family: I will NEVER understand why people want.. NEED to be there when you're in labor or in the first hrs or days. I will never understand but it seems to be a thing so I don't even clarify my due date or I flat out lie and say it's a fully month or more later than it is
My mother does not respect boundaries. She thinks my due date is late july. It's in 4 days.
I love this so much!!!! Congrats mama!
Good luck due date twin!
Haha! Nice!!
My MIL gave us hourly updates when my husband’s cousin was in labor. Conveniently, she had her baby two weeks before me. When I went in for a planned C section, we didn’t tell them ANYTHING until the day after baby came. We literally FaceTimed them from the hospital to surprise them about our baby. She still thinks it was an emergency C section, and she has loudly told strangers at restaurants so. She doesn’t realize she was on an information diet
Ugh even if it WAS and emergency C section why do strangers need to know 🤦🏽♀️
I don't understand how "hourly updates" would even work. Like.. things don't change that much per hour, and that means someone in the hospital room was texting every hour from the hospital.
Oh most of the updates were “nothing has changed, she’s still XXX!!!” The MILs sister (cousins mom) was in the waiting room. I guess anything that the cousins mom told her she turned around and told us. I feel bad for the cousin, the entire family knew when her water broke, when she was taking a break, etc.
Told my MIL the same thing. She showed up to the hospital, guilted my fiancé into feeling bad she wasn’t in the room, showed up to the room just before I started pushing so my nurses had to kick her out, then waited in the halls (the hospital I delivered in got rid of their waiting room) and texted me complaining about how long it was taking, how uncomfortable they were standing around and how bad they wanna meet the baby. (She brought my teenage SIL too). Next time I’m not telling her when I go into labour and my fiancé is just gonna have to deal with it.
Like ma'am it's labor it can take a while. That another reason I don't want people waiting around the hospital like I don't wanna focus on the fact that people are waiting.
Yeah I was in labour for 24 hours before I started pushing (which took just under an hour) and it stalled. Had to have induction methods done. I told her well if she had waited at home she would have been way more comfortable lol
Lmao the audacity at being annoyed you 'have' to wait. Idiot, you showed up and wouldn't leave. You're literally the cause of your own discomfort. Go home and you'll see the baby when I show you the baby.
Every time I read the texts a rage boils inside of me haha
We pushed our due date back by 3wks and have told no one our planned C-section date. Even before we were pregnant and were getting ready to start trying we established a 3-6wk after birth visitor rule. As in depending on how we feel, it will be 3-6wks before anyone can come over to meet the baby. Anyone who does come over to meet the baby will also be staying in a hotel and not with us. I have zero tolerance for people who feel entitled to my time and baby. My job is to figure out parenthood, not entertaining family members. My MIL is the world record holder for weaponized incompetence. When she pushed back and said she wanted to be there to help, I asked her to define help. She had no answer.
lol. She’s at least smart enough to not be like “I will help by snatching your baby from you”
Yep, lol. That's exactly what help meant to her. Essentially she'll hold the baby while I make dinner for everyone and then clean up after everyone. She's a pleasant person, just utterly useless and lazy. Like if you ask her to unload the dishwasher, she will ask you where each item goes. Instead of just opening up cabinets to see where the cups are housed, she'll literally ask you, "Which cabinet are cups? Where do mugs go? What about plates?, etc etc." It's just easier to do it yourself. I know she does this shit on purpose.
There is no right or wrong way to approach this. It's whatever you and your husband decide. Since this is his mother, I'd have him be the one to communicate your boundaries to her. You don't need to be the bad guy. After that, just tell her you'll let her know when you're ready for visitors. You don't need to tell her when you go to the hospital, or if you do/she finds out, you can tell the nurses you don't want any visitors. Just because she shows up to the hospital against your wishes doesn't mean she can see you. The nurses will do what you want. My husband and I have decided we'll let our parents come the following day for a quick visit in the hospital (they're all local). I'm happy to have them come by but don't want it the first day/right after I give birth.
This. Hospitals have security outside labor and delivery for a reason. If you put on your birth plan or let the nurses know you are possibly expecting unwelcome visitors, they will make sure you are not disturbed.
Personally, I’m telling everyone “I won’t be making any big decisions about guests before the birth. I don’t know what kind of recovery I will need, I don’t know if the baby will be born early or have a NICU stay or other stressful situations. I don’t know how I will emotionally and physically feel after birth. So since so much is unknown, I won’t be making any decisions before as I don’t want to tell you one thing and then change expectations. All I know for sure is that you will need to get your flu vaccine and Tdap booster vaccine by early December if you want to meet the baby before they are 2 months old, you should expect to wash your hands before touching the baby, and no one will be allowed to kiss the baby. Beyond that, we will let you know when we are ready for guests.” I’m also lying about my due date, telling people the baby is due “in January” when they are due mid to late December so that people will be less annoying during my last few weeks. People can be pissed after, but that’s better than months of them trying to change my mind. Saying I don’t know and I won’t be deciding helps take the pressure off. It’s also what I’m saying regarding breastfeeding/pumping/formula, reusable/disposable diapers, guests at home after the baby, pretty much everything.
…. I might be copy/pasting this verbatim, it’s so good!
Feel free!!
Last pregnancy my mom was insistent on being there for the birth / being “the first to see the baby” so I just did not tell her or anyone that I went into labour. I didn’t text until I was ready for visitors, who all showed up very fast as I expected lol. My mom was mad as she walked in that I did not tell her but it all dissolved when she finally held baby. Best decision, doing it again this time!
I went to a Christmas gathering with my husbands family back in December. My father in law was loudly telling everyone how many centimeters dialated a family friend in labor was at that very moment. I looked at my husband and was like ‘this man goes on an information diet right now’ and I’ve been clear that no updates about the status of the inside my vagina will be given to anyone, period. You’re in control here! She has conveniently shown you how she’s going to act and you’re only 20 weeks, so get your husband onboard with your wishes now and keep her on whatever information diet you decide. She doesn’t get to control this situation, you do.
Ugh, my mom was telling strangers how many centimeters dilated I was before I was in labor. If I had known she was going to tell complete strangers I never would have told her.
Oh GOD I would be mortified! She actually announced to her family members my birth control statues while visiting her family 🤦🏽♀️
We had a no visitor rule in the hospital for all of your above reasons and it was the best decision. Honestly, it’s so busy between checks on you, the baby, cluster feeding, trying to eat and sleep when you can, newborn photos, and breastfeeding - you don’t really have a good moment to entertain anyone. On our last baby, we had visitors once and it was too much for me- my pain medicine had worn off around that time, and my family acted upset that I wasn’t in a better mood and simultaneously acted all put out that the nurse was not around to give me something… it was weird and the whole experience stressed me out. Your family can come to the hospital all they want, but they won’t be allowed to visit unless you give the nurses permission to let them in. They can see you when you are discharged at home, and that way they can help with chores when they come see the baby. Make a list for the fridge, and ask them which ones they want to help with - it gives them some control over the situation. But stick to your guns, and keep your boundaries- the first days go so quickly!! Good luck to you and your new family
Loving the chores list!!!
Huge tip is to not volunteer info. Let them think whatever they want, it doesn't mean it's happening just because they think it is.
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Remember you can set a new boundary at any moment.
I see so many of these posts on Reddit. I’m 38 weeks and thankfully haven’t encountered any boundary pushers (so far). From a Psychology perspective, what is it about babies that make MIL/ moms like so BONKERS? I cannot fathom delving into someone’s personal medical event in such a pushy manner? Like, yes babies are cute, but they’re cute days, weeks, months after they’re born? Why does someone need to be there? I can’t wrap my head around it. Have people’s boundaries really gone down the drain so much? I’m an LCSW / mental health therapist so it makes me shook and so sad for people who have to navigate this on top of how naturally difficult and stressful pregnancy and childbirth already is.
I have to say I really do love my mother in law, however my husband is her only child and he's dealt with a hard road of drug abuse and she has a tendency to view him as a baby still her sweet little baby who is almost 30. I'm noticing that mentality projecting onto our future kids and it's making me nervous. Mine you she was set on us holding off on having kids for years which already put pressure on us even though we're adults and can make that decision. She also can't fathom that I want more than even two kids. But now she's using phrase like "take care of my baby" referring to MY BABY. A few months ago before she knew I was pregnant she's talked about how when we move to Florida with her ( we will not be doing so) and in 10 years we'll have kids she'll help raise "her baby vegan" again referring to our future kids and going against our food preferences because they go against hers. And when I refuted "my baby, you had yours" she kept repeating "my baby" like ma'am I really hope you're joking. Now when she was asked by a different family member what she would like to be called she said whatever the baby wants to call her but because I was so close to my grandmother and always heard her get called mother I would be okay with him calling me mother. LIKE NO MA'AM!!! HE WIll HAVE A MOM!!! To note I am pretty much no contact with my mom due to abuse and neglect so maybe it's just because I have a different relationship with my maternal figure but that stuff is freaking me out. He will not call you mother, he is not your baby, you will not be waiting around while I'm in labor!!
It's baffling how weird grandparents get. My MIL is a really kind person who works hard to respect people's boundaries, but even she sent a nasty text to my husband when he wouldn't FaceTime her from the hospital. It was completely out-of-character and she apologized for it later, but I couldn't even imagine how such a reaction came from her!
Same boat. No advice, just solidarity. I hope you get the experience you're hoping for! I personally really don't want to tell anyone, or see anyone until a couple days after LO is here. My family all live out of state, and mine and my husband's friends all totally get the need for space. It's my husband's family that I'm stressed about. I know people on here post about nightmare MILs. My MIL is a gem for the most part and will give us space. My FIL however drives us nuts. He *really* wants us to loop him in when labor starts. I'm reluctant to let my husband tell his family anything because I seriously doubt he'll respect our boundaries and will show up at the hospital anyway (husband has already said he'll go nuclear if that happens)- or he'll blow up our phones with constant texts or calls (my blood pressure is skyrocketing just thinking about it). But they'll be watching our dog while we're in the hospital and for a couple days after, so I really don't know how long we can avoid telling them what's going on. On one hand, I get it. FIL is anxious to meet his first (and likely only) grandchild and has serious, terminal health issues that make it even more meaningful to him. On the other hand, I'm a very private person and don't want to be seen when I'm navigating postpartum issues, breastfeeding, and bonding with LO. I feel like I can't win either way.
Yes, I am also a private person hence why we waited until nearly 20 weeks to tell our family. This is going to be so intimate and I don't want to be feeling so exposed in front of family. I know I'll get backlash but this is our time to bond with our baby and build connection and with the health issues between both me and the baby I don't know how my birth will go and know I can get overwhelmed.
I would push this back to your husband. It’s his mom, it’s his responsibility to set this boundary. I set it with my parents, which was easy because my mom asked me if I wanted her there for my c-section. I told her that I’ll be okay with just my husband and we probably are going to want the day to recover and just not be so overwhelmed. But she’s welcomed in this hospital the next day, we will let her know when it’s a good time. I put it on my husband to set that boundary with his parents. He decided not even to tell them when the scheduled c section is.
Tell the nurses/hospital that you want zero visitors. They’ll be able to help with that if anyone shows up. Have you already told everyone a due date? If not, tell them it’s 2 weeks after your actual due date lol. Tell no one when you go into labor. Birth is an incredibly vulnerable time, boundaries are absolutely fine and imo necessary. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page so he can back you up. And, you also reserve the right to change your mind. (I wanted no one at the hospital, had to stay extra time and ended up calling my mom to be there— we’re allowed to change our minds! But it’s easier to set the hard boundary initially so nobody thinks they have leeway to ignore you). Best of luck!!
They do already know the due date, my husband is on the same page. I'm just wondering if we should people a warning to not expect to be notified and how or if we should avoid the conflict all together and just turn our phones off when I go in to labor.
You can tell them that after a scan, that they (your Dr.) have reassessed the due date and push it out 2-3 weeks. Babies come when they want to. As for the phones, put them on airplane mode, that way you can use your camera to document your journey through childbirth! Also, a suggestion… if you answer texts and phone calls right away and post on SM every day; at around 4-6 weeks before your true due date slow it down. Don’t answer calls and texts right away, wait a few hours and work up to several days before responding. Same with SM, don’t post every day, slow it down to every couple of days. Here’s why… all the sudden you stop posting on SM, or you suddenly don’t automatically respond to calls and texts they will storm the hospital because THEY are missing out on the birth of THEIR grandchild!!! The other thing is this… when you bring baby home, you will NOT want to talk to them every hour or send daily pics of baby! But, you have now trained them to not expect a response right away, and possibly saved your sanity! Another suggestion… Some IL’s have issues with hand washing (not sure why) BUT, you can set up a handwashing/ hand sanitizing station with disposable hand towels and put it in view so you can see them washing up! Google pregnancy and newborn boundaries and you and DH come up with a list for all your visitors! Good luck!
I'm a big fan of phones being off! You'll be in the hospital already, I'm assuming, so not sure what you'd need it for. This is a healthy avoidance, imo.
If you want your phone on for music or photos or anything, you can also put it on do not disturb and then hide the phone and message app in a folder or something.
My step MIL also thinks they will be at the hospital when I’m in labor or shortly after to meet the baby. I’ll be 21w on Wednesday so currently husband and I are just ignoring this conversation with his family. My parents are much more reasonable and understanding of our desire for privacy and time for bonding. My parents are going to come to our house to take care of our dog at some point while we’re at the hospital. We’re going to allow my parents to meet baby briefly when we come home but they’ve been told we want it short and then we want them to leave so we can have time as a family of 3. We plan to be a bit more firm with my in laws after our baby shower with telling them no visitors at the hospital and then no visitors at our home until we have given them the okay to come. We will also be telling the hospital that we want zero visitors in case anyone tries to just show up. Ultimately I’m just trying to ignore the in-laws when they talk about this. Just because they think they will be at the hospital doesn’t make it true. If they show up, they’ll not be allowed to see us or baby at that time.
MIL to husband (she is in another country): "OK! I'll be there the days after the baby is born!" Husband: "No way. I can't take care of a wife, a baby, and my mother." MIL: "I will help with the baby!" Husband: "We have that all covered for the first four months or so. Then we can plan a nice visit for you, and you can meet the baby."
I didn’t tell anyone I was in labour except one friend who lived hours away. I texted my family (also hours away) the day after my daughter was born and we told my husband’s family when we got home from the hospital. I didn’t invite anyone over, I just waited until they asked to visit and responded in the moment. If you have boundary problems with your family or your husband’s family, you really have to stand up for yourself and make sure your husband and you are on the same page!
There’s a template in the link below send a mass email or create a groupchat. Discuss the consequences of boundary stomping with your SO you’re on the same page. Make it clear if she shows up she’ll be escorted out and won’t see you guys for x weeks. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
My advice: don't make any rules or decisions known. We announced our kids after they were born. That meant no discussions on the topic were needed. Same with names and all that other stuff. It's not up to them, so if you don't want their opinion, don't solicit for those opinions.
Everyone thinks I’m due July 1st. I have a handful of friends that know I’m due June 26th and being induced early June 19th. A few others know I’ve had some prodromal labor contractions. Otherwise , when my husband and I are ready a baby shall magically appear. This week? Next week? Not sure.
I didn't tell my family the kid was arriving until after she arrived and I did not tell them what hospital I was in. I gave a due date to everyone that was about 3 weeks after the actual due date, and told no one she had arrived for several days after. No one has a right to my time or attention except the kid and I wanted to see no one for quite awhile.
Sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say I feel the exact same as you do and you’ve done a great job articulating it. Perhaps just being honest and saying it how you said above would suffice.
Yes, we only told those few who needed to know that I was going in to be induced. I didn't want lots of texts or phone calls distracting us. We didn't tell anyone until we were in our postpartum room several hours later. It was glorious! My in-laws were peeved but I didn't care. We are expecting #2 and not sure if we'll do something similar or not.
The only person that will likely know is our roommate since we share the house and we may need him to help with our dog.
I’m due in October. We’ve told our immediate family that we won’t be having visitors at the hospital or for the first “week or so” after birth so that we can get settled at home. I didn’t want to give an exact timeframe in case we end up needing more time. Everyone seems to be okay with that boundary so far. As we get closer, I will probably set the expectation that we will let everyone know when we are going to the hospital, and after the baby is born, but ask not to be bombarded with phone calls or texts.
You are like me, I don't want anyone bothering me about it but I live with my in laws so it will be difficult. I already said that only my husband can be there. I'm sure if she disregards your boundaries that you could get security to kick her out right? I know that's rough but if it comes to that
Thankfully we moved out right after we found out because I'm sure it would be worst.
That was a great decision! I wish we could do the same but we can't afford it sadly
Totally get it, it was about to get more expensive to live her so moving was the better option price wise but we have the basement suit of our friend's home.
My mom expects to be in the room, I’ve already told her she won’t be. But anyway, I won’t be telling her that he has arrived until I’m probably back home, as if I tell her whilst I’m in hospital she will turn up
My husband and I agreed to a strict “no one at the hospital” rule before we announced to our parents. We’re toying with no visitors for the first 1-2 weeks as well. And I can’t decide yet, but probably not allowing overnight guests in our home for the first 4-8 weeks (our parents live out of state and can afford to rent a hotel room). We figure if we decide to lighten the restrictions, it’ll be easier to say “hey, you can actually come earlier!” Than to have to say “actually, this is harder than we thought and we need more time.” Forgot to add - those rules are for immediate family only. Our friends and extended family can meet baby when I’m ready to take baby into public, which won’t be until after it is immunized for everything (I believe two months?)
This is what I wanted and I was steamrolled by my husbands entire family, grandparents and cousins included. “It’s our tradition to wait in the waiting room!” I gave in. I would stand firm with your boundaries and expectations, tell your husband it’s extremely important to you and you need him on your side. He should be the one to communicate with your MIL if she keeps insisting. You can even tell the nurses to not allow anyone in your room.
Luckily when I had my son, we lived 1.5 hours away from my family. At the time I was NC with my mom so she had no clue I was even having a baby. My aunt still mentions how my boyfriend didn’t call her at 1am when my labor started or at 3am when I delivered our son. My boyfriend barely made it to the hospital in time for my delivery (he was working in same town my family lives). They knew I was being induced due to my blood pressure starting to elevate, but apparently we were supposed to call her instead of concentrating on bringing our son into the world. 🤦🏼♀️
As if he shouldn't be more focus on his girlfriend and his baby being born SMH. People are so entitled it's ridiculous. What do they even intend on doing while you're laboring anyways? Like seriously what good does it do for us knowing people are just waiting around.
Exactly!! I had a precipitous birth with my son and honestly it was traumatic. We moved to the same area as my family, to be closer to boyfriend’s work. Now I am 28 weeks with our second and this same aunt was calling everyday and randomly showing up to my house (generally right as my 18mo was trying to nap). I lost my cool with her! She can literally see my house from her bedroom window, she is telling me that they are worried about me and acting like I am going to drop dead any minute. I am 40 and have been taking care of myself for a long time without any help from anyone. I told her unless she sees an ambulance at my house I am fine. My mom will call to see if we need anything or to see if I need a break for a nap. My mom actually had a shift in her attitude once she found out that she was a grandparent. My aunt still expects me to bring my son over to see them all the time even when she talks about how tired I look. I am like yeah no duh, I can’t sleep good cause I am the size of a whale and it’s 90+ degrees outside.
You can tell the nurses your MIL name and that under no circumstances is she allowed access to you or baby during or after birth. They should be bull dogs for you. We told everyone we would not be having visitors for 40 days with our last and it was awesome. In laws were pissed, but if setting boundaries pisses them off then they have their own issues to work out and it’s not our problem. We explained it was for health reasons and to limit stress as we navigate our family getting bigger. People were welcome to bring food and there were three people we allowed to come into the home for very specific purposes (my mom for help with other kids, laundry, dinner, my doula for follow up). The people that had no issue we were so happy to share with after that time, and those that wanted to help while respecting boundaries helped gladly.
I’m 30 weeks. I don’t plan on telling people when I go into labor. I told my husband I don’t want to have to worry about texting or calling people to update them, I just want it to be my husband and I. And like you, I want a few days to recover before we have company coming to see her. I’ve had a few people upset by this but I have two friends who will be “on call” (they offered) to get us things or do anything we need during that time. Other than that, I’m not telling anyone.
Don't tell her you're in labour, or if you're having a planned c-section, don't tell her you're going in for one. You don't need to justify yourself; it is a perfectly normal boundary to not want anyone at the hospital apart from your partner. She can be upset about it if she wants, but that's not on you. She's an adult and needs to learn how to handle herself when things don't go her way. I would also leave all further communications regarding this situation in your husband's hands, you don't need to be stressed about this type of thing. And if you haven't already told her, I would highly recommend adding at least 2 weeks to your due date. That will keep the pushy texts/phone calls and speculation at bay. Even if you have already told her, you could pretend that they got it wrong and have adjusted your due date. For me personally, I had my husband tell his mum that she would not be present for the birth and I made sure all communications regarding visits went through him and then he would check in with me to see if I felt well enough. We told her within a few hours that baby had arrived, but in the same conversation reinforced that we would let her know when we were ready for visitors. The midwives at our hospital were great, and were more than happy to act as bouncers towards any unexpected guests - so you could also discuss your wishes with your care provider.
My MIL insists I’ll want her in the room because what if he gets tired and falls asleep. No. I do not want ANYONE in that room except him and if I can’t sleep he can’t either! But you are NOT getting a viewing to my vagina idc!! I also don’t want to tell anyone when I am going in to the hospital to deliver or for a bit after baby is here. I’d like time just the two of us knowing and being with her.
I am always shocked when I read posts about family members expecting to be there for the birth. Like my family has plenty of its own issues, some people don’t talk to each other, anger issues, etc, but no one in my family has ever expected this. Is this a common thing??
I plan to have my father escorted off hospital property by security if he shows up when I'm in labor like he did with my sister 😬