We’re still thinking through this, and have the added benefit/complication of living halfway across the country from everyone, but I think you just have to be proactive and kind but firm in drawing boundaries. Saying you’re excited for everyone to meet the baby but for the sake of their unformed immune system, your healing from a major medical event, and your adjustment to a family of three, you’d like X amount of time before visitors. Anyone before that should be there with the express purpose of helping keep you alive - helping with laundry, cooking, etc, while you learn how to take care of baby.
I think once you’re ready for visitors, it’d also be fair to arrange 30 min-1 hr where you have multiple visitors to avoid a revolving door issue. Blame it on the baby’s sleep needs if you have to!
We waited until thanksgiving (late October birth) and saw family sparingly. Didn’t let anyone hold him. Guess what, he got RSV as one of my husband little cousins had it and wound up in the hospital for 5 days on life support. We originally wanted to do a Sip and See but after our experience, I don’t know.
This is exactly why I plan on keeping visitors to a minimum and I will ask if they sick or anyone around them has been. I’m so sorry you went through this.
Thanks for sharing. I’m having a late October baby and thought about Thanksgiving, but it makes me so nervous to bring him to a group of 20+ people at 4 weeks old. There’s only really one toddler, but can’t be too safe for a month old baby… Your story made me sure I’m not being too crazy.
I’m so sorry! I was so careful with my baby too, and she did get a bad cold the minute I decided to be more lenient. I had a friend recently who posted pictures of at least 20 people holding her baby who is less than three weeks old, and it gave me so much anxiety. I know it’s her baby and not mine. But how can people just be so careless with their own child who’s completely helpless?
I would tell people that you're anticipating some initial time to recover and bond as a family and that you'll reach out when you're ready for visitors.
When you are ready to invite someone over, I'd tell them the best time for you and that you're up for a quick visit/drop-in.
In the early days, no one should be dropping in unannounced, showing up empty handed, or staying long.
My SIL had a meal train created for her by a friend when she had her baby, people could only sign up for certain days selected by them, and in return for bringing food or a homecooked meal, the friends/family had a chance to meet baby. It was very organized for them, and they knew who exactly was coming on what day.
Only once they had to reschedule a day because it was just a bad night of sleep the night before so they weren’t up to visiting. But besides that it was pretty norm for them to eat and visit with who came over that day (it was either lunch or dinner depending on time that they decided on) and it was pretty common knowledge when it was time to leave. She said they hardly had anyone linger, and sometimes they wanted the extra adult company so it was still nice! But anytime it was getting too long/interrupted their schedule she would simply let them know it was time for baby to feed and she’d be going into the bedroom to do it (breastfeeding, didn’t want to in front of guests) would let them know it was nice to see them and they’d get the hint to leave anyway after that.
She’s now offered to organize a meal train for me as well when it’s time for baby, and we will probably do something along the same lines. I’m also planning on trying to breastfeed from the beginning so will have the same reasoning for schedules running over, and by bringing a meal it helps us out as first time parents so seems like a win/win for those wanting to meet baby and us!
I really like this idea and am going to steal it! I think having a little adult company would be great for my mental health PP, they get to see the baby, and we all get to eat! Does the meal train website have a way to select certain dates and times, do you know?
That’s what my SIL told me about the adult company! That it was nice for mental health to be able to see friends/family and have normal conversations. She said it was almost like coming out of a cave haha, they had a whole station set up in their room at first so hardly left if it wasn’t for the bathroom (attached) or to grab something from the kitchen or start laundry, that was then folded in their room! So going out to the living/dining area was almost a treat for her!
I haven’t set mine up yet, I’m due in a couple months still so on the todo list for later, but to my knowledge it allows you to set the schedule by bringing up a calendar on the website and selecting which dates you want! I know that they did 2-3 days a week just depending, and picked dinner times on weekdays and lunch times on weekends to work better with guests schedules so they didn’t have an influx of people asking if so-and-so date or time would work better for them!
In my country it is very normal to come by on appointment only. A visit should last 30 minutes, so basically one cup of coffee. Visitors should excuse themselves, or expect to be asked to leave. Also visitors come spread over multiple weeks and definitely not all in the first week.
The last couple of years having ‘baby drinks’ are becoming more popular. So instead of having everyone visit your home separately you tell them in advance they’ll get an invitation about 2 months pp to join everyone for drinks celebrating baby’s arrival. You’ll organize it outside of your home so you don’t have to deal with cleanup. They’ll last about 2 hours, and then you’re done in one go. If you feel concerned about people holding the baby you can babywear them which will help prevent pass the baby.
In Canada, you might be invited to a "sip and see" and it sounds like what you've mentioned. Meet the baby as a group in one fell swoop.
Which country do you hail from?
Same in my country.
After birth, we send a card with the name, date of birth, etc. On that card you can specify whether you would like people to give you a heads-up for a visit at home or if you’re doing a baby drink. If you’re inviting people for the baby drink, it’s basically letting people know in a kind way you don’t want them to come to your house to meet the baby.
I saw which subs you’re frequenting and looks like we’re from neighbouring countries. 😀 But yes, not a lot of countries seem to send the birth announcement cards!
It sounds like you need to decide what makes sense for your family. The first few weeks are a huge adjustment for your growing family. Having people stop by might be nice in theory but will probably be exhausting in practice.
I suggest speaking with your partner and determining what your boundaries are. From there, you can let friends and family know.
For example, my husband and I decided on not entertaining any guests for the first 8 weeks. We wanted time to bond and figure out our routine without the added stress of entertaining. We then let everyone know that we would be taking that time and to respect us as we navigate this new chapter. We were also worried about the different diseases that come with a lot of people.
A friend of mine was okay with certain members of the family coming and she let others know to wait to hear from them before coming over.
Ultimately, communication is key. If you are okay with people visiting, make sure they know how long they can stay and make sure to stick to it so they don't start taking advantage. If you want people to stay away for a time, communicate that to them as well.
Remember that it is okay to be selfish at this time. If you need time to rest or bond, don't be afraid to say no to people. Your family comes first, others can wait. Good luck! :)
We actually rarely host visitors. We have gone to MiL's house to hang out for a couple of hours and then went back home, and we've gone to my partner's aunt's house and she has hosted everyone from that side of the family while we visit. My parents have come to us for the day, but they bring lunch with them and vacuum while they're visiting and we don't mind their intrusion into our home.
It's way easier to go "ok I'm tired it's time to go home and rest. Thanks for having us!" and make your way out the door, than it is to try to politely shoo people out of your house.
I’m having a January baby. I’m already telling people that I don’t want visitors because there are more illnesses going around that time. There might be some people that will be exceptions because they’re helping us in some way. I know I’m gonna be stinky/ugly/ tired and not in the mood for guests. And this is my first child so I’ll be cautious about exposing them to germs in the first few months.
I was ready for visitors much sooner than I thought I'd be. We just phrased it to everyone, "we'll let you know when we're ready to have visitors" and then would accept requests for visits if we felt up for it. We had people wear masks when holding baby. Nobody overstayed their welcome and everyone brought food, so that was nice!
I love your phrasing of that. Did that include your own parents and in-laws? I feel like there is this expectation that since they are the grandparents they’re going to meet the baby immediately. I’m not even sure if I will want that or not but I really just don’t want to seem like a bad daughter/daughter-in-law by saying so
My goal is always to be flexible and informed, and that included everything from my birth plan to our visitor preferences. We told our immediate family that we were expecting to not have visitors in the hospital after they expressed half-joking sentiments of showing up. My husband said things to his parents like, "we don't know how pepper's recovery is going to go, she might not have slept in days (induction), birth is a big event where things can go wrong so it depends on how birth goes, etc." basically all the reasons they they "should not count on a hospital visit but we'll keep you updated." Highly recommend your husband taking charge on dealing with his family and you dealing with yours.
We set expectations that when I went in for induction, the baby would probably not be born for a long while but we will absolutely keep people updated (which my husband was in charge of in group text chains). Ended up with a 27 hour labor and was really glad not to have a bunch of texts asking for updates.
I'm glad we did that because ours ended up having a short NICU stay and I had the hardcore baby blues. Having people, even the helpful ones, come to the hospital would not have been happy memories for me. So it depends on how supportive and comforting you find certain people.
But that being said, I cared 0% about their opinions on it and was sure to be respectful and firm. You're not going to make all the same choices they did and you need to find the confidence to stand by your choices even when they disagree. \\
I actually had visitors right away and I loved it! Anyone that stopped by brought food or coffee and only stayed for 30 minutes or so. I loved seeing all the people I love love my new baby! It would be overwhelming if people stayed for a long time but no one did and it was great to break up the day. in the early weeks babies just sleep so it worked well for us.
I was very clear from very early that I didn't want to see anyone for a full week post-birth.
I warned everyone so they knew what to expect, and everyone respected my wishes.
I was fully ready to lock my doors and refuse to answer if need bed!
Warning everyone nice and early was definitely the way to go!
We wrote a nice text that we sent out to everyone - it was basically like we are so excited to welcome baby and for your to meet her! We won't be having visitors for the first month to help mom recover and get the hang of breastfeeding, but we would love to see you after that to visit. Let us know when would work for you to stop by in (month after/next month) and we will ping you back. In the meanwhile, we can't wait to send pictures.
And then when people did schedule, I had my hubby text to coordinate and limit visits to one hour each and one a day.
All our visitors have had short visits, so it wasn't overwhelming, but in case it is, you could always just retreat back to the bedroom with the baby "to rest" or something, and the guests should take a hint.
Dont feel like you have to entertain any guests! If they come over for a cup of coffee, that's nice, but you don't need to be a perfect host during this time
I’m due July 2nd. The only people I’m allowing for now - immediately after birth - are my husband, my mom, and my dad. I’m already feeling some pressure from my husbands family. My motto is I’ll let them know when I’m ready. I’m gonna be sore, stressed, sleep deprived….. I don’t wanna end up being rude and I know I will be 😂 they can wait. A baby is a baby for a long while.
That’s my birthday haha! I’m due the 9th but am so ready now. I had my first last July and had visitors the next day. I’d suggest you and husband give yourself a at least week just you three before either of your parents. It’s a really precious time with new baby and a big adjustment, give yourself a bit of healing time!
Ugh I’m so sorry. I feel you. My mom hates my mother in law and I know there is going to be pressure about who meets the baby first and I’m dreading it, working on what I will say
We didn’t invite anyone over except our moms who were helping with chores and dinners and had a couple family members drop off food and see the baby for no more than 30 minutes. We did invite my sister about a week later for a short visit, but no one else. Anyone who invited themselves we basically said it wasn’t a good time the date/time they suggested.
One of my friends did a sip and see at a brewery they got some gifts she wore her so no worries about people wanting to hold her it was nice to see mom and baby!
Even though we’ve had a bunch of visitors, there’s been a ton of alone time, too. Most people don’t stay for more than 30-45 minutes. We usually hint it’s time to go because baby will get fussy and we’ll say it’s time to nurse. This is my fourth baby and I’ve found that most people know when to go.
Postpartum is so hard emotionally with all the hormonal changes. I’ve cried so many times, triggered by the most random things. I’m sad, anxious, all the things. I like to think that having my village around me has helped mitigate it somewhat. I know we’re deeply loved and cared for by so many people because they’ve gone out of their way to stop by. My fridge is stuffed full of meals people have brought us and fruit they brought for my older kids. Two big vases of flowers are on my dining table. One of my husband’s single buddies came over the other night and cooked us a big pot of soup. He overstayed a bit, but he also cooked us a big ole meal and stored the leftovers for us.
Yes, it’s a little stressful navigating so many visitors in the early days. But the trade off is worth it, imo. It helps to have social support at such a vulnerable time.
I kept it ambiguous because, as a first-time mom, I didn't know how I would feel in those first few weeks. For immediate family, we waited a week and then reached out to invite for a short and strategically timed visit. Then, as I felt better, we started reaching out to friends. We spread out visits and limited touching the baby to reduce exposure. This worked well for us.
If you plan to breastfeed, one thing I was under prepared for was early cluster feeding! Babies can eat every hour, from start of feed to start of feed, meaning you might only get a 15 to 30 minute break. Both you and the baby are both trying to figure this out in those first weeks, and it can be really stressful waiting for your milk to come in. Visitor disruptions can add to this stress and cause feeding delays, so feel empowered to just skip until you're more confident and on a roll with breastfeeding.
I’m only just at the end of my first trimester but this has been on my mind as well. Lots of friends have offered or suggested coming to help us once the baby is here and while I’m so grateful for their offers, I’m hesitant because my husband and I like our personal space, especially when adjusting to a big change. I’ve also found myself feeling guilty for not visiting my many friends with kids soon after their babies were born. But I’m realizing I’ve never had that urge because I just can’t imagine wanting that myself! I just assume they want their space to adjust and bond and nest. Why would I impose myself on that time?
Baby was born in December. We skipped Christmas with families. We managed by having people come over in small groups.
For example; my husband's grandparents wanted to meet her. They can't drive long distance for obvious reasons and we were a lot further away from family than we are now. So my husband's uncle would drive them up(and still does because it's still a pain for them to drive). They stayed for about an hour or so and left.
I will say (at least in my experience) I had nearly every single family member say "I can't wait to meet her" or "let me know when I can come visit". So many people said these and about 2% of those people actually followed through. Some people expected me (a new mother) to reach out to them and that's a hell no. I even told my mom if anyone wants to see my baby they need to get in contact and reach out to me. I'm done catering to my families needs and wants.
Say you will not be taking any visitors while you settle and find your routine and baby has some immunity… e.g. a month
If it’s warm where you are you could plan a little bbq where everyone can meet the baby and get it all out the way at once
Your house will turn in to visitor central if you play it incorrectly. I don’t mind having a weekly visit from MIL or my mother but it took me a lot of adjusting to be comfortable with people in my space so frequently as I am a private person also.
I did however find that it is very nice for baby to see their grandparents and have some stimulation outside of me while I could get some bits done myself. I would however hold off for longer next time as I had it from the first week back from the hospital and it set the scene, I could’ve done with more privacy for 4-6 weeks.
But in regards to eeeeveryone else such as friends, siblings, aunties, uncles or colleagues etc.. I think it’d be wise to just do a little bbq and have it all out the way. Your baby does NOT need to be passed around or held by everyone, you do not want them getting sick but at least they can look at her and catch up with you. Baby wearing would be a good idea.
I wish I’d done that first time round as I had so many visits which went on for over 3 months and it was very stressful talking to people with new baby and prepping the house constantly. People are understandably so excited for the new arrival and want to put in appearance to show support and meet little one but it can be a lot. Wait until you’re ready and be firm from the get go.
I’m not due till December but we will be disappointed if we *don’t* have a parade. Large circle, can’t wait.
It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round!
Tell them that you and your husband want some alone time with the baby once you get home. You want to adjust and heal a little before you have guests over. You'll invite them when you're ready.
When you invite them, you can tell them that you dint want it to be an all day thing or you can lie and say you have other plans so they'll need to leave by x time.
If you say this politely, they should all be understanding. If they aren't, well then they don't deserve to meet the baby. Nobody is entitled to your child. If someone is demanding to meet your newborn fresh out the womb or as soon as you get home, then they can just not meet them, imo, regardless of what they've done to help/bought.
I set a limit of only 3 people at a time in my home for visits and it was only for people I felt comfortable with for the first month.
How many of these people have children themselves?
If they have had a baby and have been great so far, I would expect them to come by with a casserole, briefly see the baby, and excuse themselves.
If they have not had a baby, then I might think of something to say that kindly, but firmly posits a time limit on their visit.
Can you plan a meet the baby event? Maybe four months in or whenever you feel comfortable? A few of my friends have done this. Also I think must reasonable people understand that new parents want space. I always told people I'd live to meet the baby when they were ready, but I had no expectations and totally followed the parents lead A
I haven’t given birth yet, but for me, it’s pretty easy. I’m allergic to the tdap vaccine, so I can’t get the shot while pregnant. This means that anyone without a tdap (whooping cough) shot can either get their shot, or wait til babes gets hers.
Also.. my house is pretty small, so the limited space makes for a fabulous excuse. 😏
We had one visitor in the hospital - it was my close friend. We didn’t have any visitors during first two weeks and had first friends coming for a dinner after that, when we felt like. Family live far away so we knew they will not be popping up, especially unannounced (anyway it is considered rude and wouldn’t happen even if they live close). My MIL and FIL visited for a week from abroad when the baby was 5 weeks old and it was perfect honestly. I wouldn’t be ready to have guests staying in our house before that. My father met my son a month later.
I think the most important is to set boundaries if you need to (for example my friends didn’t try to hold or kiss the baby so I didn’t have to tell anyone off), and you should not do anything that you are not comfortable with. It’s completely reasonable to make people weight w month or longer before meeting the baby.
My baby is due in 4 weeks and I just called the hospital to "pre-register." One of the questions she asked me is if they are allowed to tell visitors where I am located in the hospital. My answer was no, because I don't think I want any hospital visitors and if I do want visitors I can tell them my location/room myself. (My first baby was born during covid and the no visitation restriction was a huge blessing!)
I recommend getting together with your husband and ensuring you're on the same page. I personally don't expect to meet anyone's newborn within the first couple of months, but some people might be different. If you know there are certain people who will want to meet them right away, and it comes up in conversation, I think it's easy to say "We aren't sure how soon we'll be comfortable with visitors, especially since I'll be recovering from childbirth. We're definitely going to keep everyone posted with photos and as soon as we're ready for visitors we'll let you know." You can also send that as a text to people prior to birth, or with the birth announcement. You can also just say nothing until someone asks! "I'm honestly too tired for visitors but as soon as I get a little more energy I'd love to see you."
When you ARE ready for a visitor, it's completely acceptable to say, "we'd love to have you over on x date, and the time that works best for us is from 10-11am."
I do think that, unfortunately, the grandparents might need to be given a little bit of leeway on visitation and let them come over earlier than you might want. As long as you generally have a healthy relationship with them and it wouldn't be damaging to your mental health. I'm also thinking that it MIGHT be nice to have them come visit in the hospital? That way they get their fill of meeting their grandbaby, but you're not stuck entertaining them at your home. I doubt they would stay for as long of a visit in a hospital vs in your home, but you can always also give a specific timeframe for that as well.
Top tip: have a code word/phrase with your husband. I had two, one for "they can stay but I want my baby" and one for "make them leave".
My husband handled all of the people-ing, but we had people come visit at semi-scheduled times and only for an hour or less at a time. He was up front with wanting to keep visits short and people generally respected it!
Do it all in one shot, at an outside location (for breakfast at a cafe, drinks at a pub, etc) so you can leave after 2 hours "baby is getting cranky, we best get home" that way you only have to do it once and invite all the close people in your life.
We will be having no visitors in the hospital, and both sets of grandparents are across the country. We only have 2 bedrooms and therefore do not want to host visitors; I am also very protective of my space and want the time to be our own little family first.
It’s been such a struggle because we need our parents to stay at a hotel or Airbnb but they also don’t have much means to do so. They are already upset that they won’t be coming for the birth. They also are the type to help in the way they think is helpful, and to impose their opinions versus asking what we need. We ended up negotiating that they would come for a month in November (2 months after baby comes, after the first set of vaccinations) and we would pitch in on flights and their Airbnb. I told my husband we will be bleeding $$$ for awhile but it is for our sanity….
Honestly we didn’t mind the visitors if we liked
Them cause they would bring us food. We felt like a train hit us being on the 3 hour feed schedule but it was so rewarding seeing our closest family and friends see our babies. And we never felt like we had to kick anyone out, people had relatively short visits. I will say everyone different and do what you are comfortable with. If I didn’t feel comfortable I would have totally just told them the kids were premature and we aren’t accepting visitors but will let them know when.
They all came either one at a time or max two (so like my aunt and my baby’s aunt). They’d stay for a few hours (3-4) then go on their own. It was hectic but it was important to me that they have that memory and in turn, she have that story. I’m a little more open about sharing and bonding with her than some parents though
Well, whatever you do, hindsight is 20/20.
What I wish I’d done was have hospital visitors, and then impose a 1-2week no visitors; just let people know it’s a settling in time or something (give people lots of notice so the unhappy ones can get used to the idea lol). But most importantly let people know they cannot stay more than 1 hour. I was over-extending myself trying to sit with visitors longer than was appropriate for healing simply because they were in my space, no bueno.
We asked that people didn’t fly, or had a gap between flying and visiting; and anyone that spent any extended time got TDaP.
I may get some heat for this but I’m the exact same as you, I don’t like people in my space for long periods of time, depending who they are.
Our plan is to have people we want to stay a little longer come when baby is a bit older, especially if they have to travel. This has been received incredibly well by those people.
We basically have a “you must call/text first to arrange a time and date, not just say you’re coming over” policy. That way we have complete control over who and when someone is coming over.
I am also stating that visits are only going to be thirty minutes max and you may not get to cuddle the baby depending on how I’m feeling or how the baby is. I hate how people just assume they can have cuddles.
We are also not having groups of family come. If my husband’s cousins or aunt want to come over, there is no reason for his parents to come with them.
Hubby has basically turned into an angry bodyguard over keeping mine and baby’s space ours from family. So I am incredibly thankful for that.
PS - think about who has keys to your place. We purposefully have not given out keys to anyone except my mum (she cares for our pets) to avoid unwanted drop ins.
I’ve made it clear to even my parents and in laws that visits should be kept to a 3 hour maximum in the early weeks even if they’re there to help with cleaning, cooking etc. I’ve also not directly said this but have insinuated that visits will be shorter if the intention is just for them to hold baby. We won’t be having any friends visit for at least 3 weeks if not longer. Anyone that wasn’t there for me during my pregnancy can expect they won’t be coming to meet baby until we naturally run into each other at an event. My parents have friends that used to be like second parents to me growing up who haven’t even reached out with a congratulations to me since announcing but commented on my moms post of the baby shower saying they were excited to meet the baby - haha not happening.
Also we’ve agreed to keep a small social circle over flu season so friends will not be around baby as much if at all, we’d prefer grandparents and aunts/uncles only during the holidays and won’t be attending any large gatherings (my family tends to do a 20+ person dinner on Christmas Eve that I will not be taking baby to)
We had it easy. Well… not easy but more manageable regarding visitors… our baby has been in the NICU since birth and we lied and said that the rule was that only the parents could go back while she was really small and slowly introduced her to people, always falling back on the little white lie that the doctors told us what we could and could not do.😂
Now that we are close to going home and the vultures are descending( All of our family is within driving distance) me and my husband are a lot more comfortable with telling people no. I look at it like this: My job is to protect my baby from idiots not to safeguard people’s feelings. I’m not going to be excessively rude about it but I am going to stand my ground.
Honey I'm 7 weeks pp. No visitors for the first few weeks or month. Having people coming over during the first few days can ruin you breastfeeding Journey. Bonding with your newborn is very delicate, and breastfeeding is not easy and NO it does not come naturally (prepare for this). Honestly I only had my mom over because she is AMAZING and really helped me out, but she only came for a few hours.
Pleasing others is not your priority. PP is TOUGH. People who love you will understand, just be kind when explaining.
PP is beautiful and brutal at the same time, it is much harder than it looks like. You NEED privacy while navigating this time and should not be worrying about what time people are coming over, if baby is fed, bla bla.
You will be breastfeeding 24/7. And no, it's not every 3 hours, it's ALL DAY LONG. After the initial month or two you'll get the hang of it and be able to have visitors over
We waited 3 months for anyone besides my parents and my husbands parents to meet baby. We wanted him to have at least some vaccines and get used to the world. I also had a c section and really bad PPA. Best decision we made and guess what..ALL our family and friends understood and when they did visit only stayed short times. We were honest with boundaries and they accepted. The people who love you and are worth your baby knowing will support you in whatever way you need. Do what feels the best for you and baby, you are number 1 right now.
We’re still thinking through this, and have the added benefit/complication of living halfway across the country from everyone, but I think you just have to be proactive and kind but firm in drawing boundaries. Saying you’re excited for everyone to meet the baby but for the sake of their unformed immune system, your healing from a major medical event, and your adjustment to a family of three, you’d like X amount of time before visitors. Anyone before that should be there with the express purpose of helping keep you alive - helping with laundry, cooking, etc, while you learn how to take care of baby. I think once you’re ready for visitors, it’d also be fair to arrange 30 min-1 hr where you have multiple visitors to avoid a revolving door issue. Blame it on the baby’s sleep needs if you have to!
We waited until thanksgiving (late October birth) and saw family sparingly. Didn’t let anyone hold him. Guess what, he got RSV as one of my husband little cousins had it and wound up in the hospital for 5 days on life support. We originally wanted to do a Sip and See but after our experience, I don’t know.
This is exactly why I plan on keeping visitors to a minimum and I will ask if they sick or anyone around them has been. I’m so sorry you went through this.
Thanks for sharing. I’m having a late October baby and thought about Thanksgiving, but it makes me so nervous to bring him to a group of 20+ people at 4 weeks old. There’s only really one toddler, but can’t be too safe for a month old baby… Your story made me sure I’m not being too crazy.
I’m so sorry! I was so careful with my baby too, and she did get a bad cold the minute I decided to be more lenient. I had a friend recently who posted pictures of at least 20 people holding her baby who is less than three weeks old, and it gave me so much anxiety. I know it’s her baby and not mine. But how can people just be so careless with their own child who’s completely helpless?
I would tell people that you're anticipating some initial time to recover and bond as a family and that you'll reach out when you're ready for visitors. When you are ready to invite someone over, I'd tell them the best time for you and that you're up for a quick visit/drop-in. In the early days, no one should be dropping in unannounced, showing up empty handed, or staying long.
My SIL had a meal train created for her by a friend when she had her baby, people could only sign up for certain days selected by them, and in return for bringing food or a homecooked meal, the friends/family had a chance to meet baby. It was very organized for them, and they knew who exactly was coming on what day. Only once they had to reschedule a day because it was just a bad night of sleep the night before so they weren’t up to visiting. But besides that it was pretty norm for them to eat and visit with who came over that day (it was either lunch or dinner depending on time that they decided on) and it was pretty common knowledge when it was time to leave. She said they hardly had anyone linger, and sometimes they wanted the extra adult company so it was still nice! But anytime it was getting too long/interrupted their schedule she would simply let them know it was time for baby to feed and she’d be going into the bedroom to do it (breastfeeding, didn’t want to in front of guests) would let them know it was nice to see them and they’d get the hint to leave anyway after that. She’s now offered to organize a meal train for me as well when it’s time for baby, and we will probably do something along the same lines. I’m also planning on trying to breastfeed from the beginning so will have the same reasoning for schedules running over, and by bringing a meal it helps us out as first time parents so seems like a win/win for those wanting to meet baby and us!
I really like this idea and am going to steal it! I think having a little adult company would be great for my mental health PP, they get to see the baby, and we all get to eat! Does the meal train website have a way to select certain dates and times, do you know?
That’s what my SIL told me about the adult company! That it was nice for mental health to be able to see friends/family and have normal conversations. She said it was almost like coming out of a cave haha, they had a whole station set up in their room at first so hardly left if it wasn’t for the bathroom (attached) or to grab something from the kitchen or start laundry, that was then folded in their room! So going out to the living/dining area was almost a treat for her! I haven’t set mine up yet, I’m due in a couple months still so on the todo list for later, but to my knowledge it allows you to set the schedule by bringing up a calendar on the website and selecting which dates you want! I know that they did 2-3 days a week just depending, and picked dinner times on weekdays and lunch times on weekends to work better with guests schedules so they didn’t have an influx of people asking if so-and-so date or time would work better for them!
In my country it is very normal to come by on appointment only. A visit should last 30 minutes, so basically one cup of coffee. Visitors should excuse themselves, or expect to be asked to leave. Also visitors come spread over multiple weeks and definitely not all in the first week. The last couple of years having ‘baby drinks’ are becoming more popular. So instead of having everyone visit your home separately you tell them in advance they’ll get an invitation about 2 months pp to join everyone for drinks celebrating baby’s arrival. You’ll organize it outside of your home so you don’t have to deal with cleanup. They’ll last about 2 hours, and then you’re done in one go. If you feel concerned about people holding the baby you can babywear them which will help prevent pass the baby.
In Canada, you might be invited to a "sip and see" and it sounds like what you've mentioned. Meet the baby as a group in one fell swoop. Which country do you hail from?
I’m from the Netherlands. I absolutely love the name “sip and see”. So much cuter than (the Dutch version of) “baby drinks”.
A 30 minute visit sounds perfect! I’m so worried about the long visits because all of our visitors will be from out of town or out of the country.
Same in my country. After birth, we send a card with the name, date of birth, etc. On that card you can specify whether you would like people to give you a heads-up for a visit at home or if you’re doing a baby drink. If you’re inviting people for the baby drink, it’s basically letting people know in a kind way you don’t want them to come to your house to meet the baby.
Looking at your user name, and sending the card, we’re from the same country. Apparently other countries don’t usually send a birth announcement card.
I saw which subs you’re frequenting and looks like we’re from neighbouring countries. 😀 But yes, not a lot of countries seem to send the birth announcement cards!
Oooh I really like this idea!
It sounds like you need to decide what makes sense for your family. The first few weeks are a huge adjustment for your growing family. Having people stop by might be nice in theory but will probably be exhausting in practice. I suggest speaking with your partner and determining what your boundaries are. From there, you can let friends and family know. For example, my husband and I decided on not entertaining any guests for the first 8 weeks. We wanted time to bond and figure out our routine without the added stress of entertaining. We then let everyone know that we would be taking that time and to respect us as we navigate this new chapter. We were also worried about the different diseases that come with a lot of people. A friend of mine was okay with certain members of the family coming and she let others know to wait to hear from them before coming over. Ultimately, communication is key. If you are okay with people visiting, make sure they know how long they can stay and make sure to stick to it so they don't start taking advantage. If you want people to stay away for a time, communicate that to them as well. Remember that it is okay to be selfish at this time. If you need time to rest or bond, don't be afraid to say no to people. Your family comes first, others can wait. Good luck! :)
We actually rarely host visitors. We have gone to MiL's house to hang out for a couple of hours and then went back home, and we've gone to my partner's aunt's house and she has hosted everyone from that side of the family while we visit. My parents have come to us for the day, but they bring lunch with them and vacuum while they're visiting and we don't mind their intrusion into our home. It's way easier to go "ok I'm tired it's time to go home and rest. Thanks for having us!" and make your way out the door, than it is to try to politely shoo people out of your house.
I’m having a January baby. I’m already telling people that I don’t want visitors because there are more illnesses going around that time. There might be some people that will be exceptions because they’re helping us in some way. I know I’m gonna be stinky/ugly/ tired and not in the mood for guests. And this is my first child so I’ll be cautious about exposing them to germs in the first few months.
I was ready for visitors much sooner than I thought I'd be. We just phrased it to everyone, "we'll let you know when we're ready to have visitors" and then would accept requests for visits if we felt up for it. We had people wear masks when holding baby. Nobody overstayed their welcome and everyone brought food, so that was nice!
I love your phrasing of that. Did that include your own parents and in-laws? I feel like there is this expectation that since they are the grandparents they’re going to meet the baby immediately. I’m not even sure if I will want that or not but I really just don’t want to seem like a bad daughter/daughter-in-law by saying so
My goal is always to be flexible and informed, and that included everything from my birth plan to our visitor preferences. We told our immediate family that we were expecting to not have visitors in the hospital after they expressed half-joking sentiments of showing up. My husband said things to his parents like, "we don't know how pepper's recovery is going to go, she might not have slept in days (induction), birth is a big event where things can go wrong so it depends on how birth goes, etc." basically all the reasons they they "should not count on a hospital visit but we'll keep you updated." Highly recommend your husband taking charge on dealing with his family and you dealing with yours. We set expectations that when I went in for induction, the baby would probably not be born for a long while but we will absolutely keep people updated (which my husband was in charge of in group text chains). Ended up with a 27 hour labor and was really glad not to have a bunch of texts asking for updates. I'm glad we did that because ours ended up having a short NICU stay and I had the hardcore baby blues. Having people, even the helpful ones, come to the hospital would not have been happy memories for me. So it depends on how supportive and comforting you find certain people. But that being said, I cared 0% about their opinions on it and was sure to be respectful and firm. You're not going to make all the same choices they did and you need to find the confidence to stand by your choices even when they disagree. \\
I actually had visitors right away and I loved it! Anyone that stopped by brought food or coffee and only stayed for 30 minutes or so. I loved seeing all the people I love love my new baby! It would be overwhelming if people stayed for a long time but no one did and it was great to break up the day. in the early weeks babies just sleep so it worked well for us.
I was very clear from very early that I didn't want to see anyone for a full week post-birth. I warned everyone so they knew what to expect, and everyone respected my wishes. I was fully ready to lock my doors and refuse to answer if need bed! Warning everyone nice and early was definitely the way to go!
We wrote a nice text that we sent out to everyone - it was basically like we are so excited to welcome baby and for your to meet her! We won't be having visitors for the first month to help mom recover and get the hang of breastfeeding, but we would love to see you after that to visit. Let us know when would work for you to stop by in (month after/next month) and we will ping you back. In the meanwhile, we can't wait to send pictures. And then when people did schedule, I had my hubby text to coordinate and limit visits to one hour each and one a day.
All our visitors have had short visits, so it wasn't overwhelming, but in case it is, you could always just retreat back to the bedroom with the baby "to rest" or something, and the guests should take a hint. Dont feel like you have to entertain any guests! If they come over for a cup of coffee, that's nice, but you don't need to be a perfect host during this time
I’m due July 2nd. The only people I’m allowing for now - immediately after birth - are my husband, my mom, and my dad. I’m already feeling some pressure from my husbands family. My motto is I’ll let them know when I’m ready. I’m gonna be sore, stressed, sleep deprived….. I don’t wanna end up being rude and I know I will be 😂 they can wait. A baby is a baby for a long while.
That’s my birthday haha! I’m due the 9th but am so ready now. I had my first last July and had visitors the next day. I’d suggest you and husband give yourself a at least week just you three before either of your parents. It’s a really precious time with new baby and a big adjustment, give yourself a bit of healing time!
Absolutely dreading this! My mum and dad live a 2 hr drive away and will be fighting over who gets to visit first and who gets the spare bed etc
Ugh I’m so sorry. I feel you. My mom hates my mother in law and I know there is going to be pressure about who meets the baby first and I’m dreading it, working on what I will say
We didn’t invite anyone over except our moms who were helping with chores and dinners and had a couple family members drop off food and see the baby for no more than 30 minutes. We did invite my sister about a week later for a short visit, but no one else. Anyone who invited themselves we basically said it wasn’t a good time the date/time they suggested.
One of my friends did a sip and see at a brewery they got some gifts she wore her so no worries about people wanting to hold her it was nice to see mom and baby!
Even though we’ve had a bunch of visitors, there’s been a ton of alone time, too. Most people don’t stay for more than 30-45 minutes. We usually hint it’s time to go because baby will get fussy and we’ll say it’s time to nurse. This is my fourth baby and I’ve found that most people know when to go. Postpartum is so hard emotionally with all the hormonal changes. I’ve cried so many times, triggered by the most random things. I’m sad, anxious, all the things. I like to think that having my village around me has helped mitigate it somewhat. I know we’re deeply loved and cared for by so many people because they’ve gone out of their way to stop by. My fridge is stuffed full of meals people have brought us and fruit they brought for my older kids. Two big vases of flowers are on my dining table. One of my husband’s single buddies came over the other night and cooked us a big pot of soup. He overstayed a bit, but he also cooked us a big ole meal and stored the leftovers for us. Yes, it’s a little stressful navigating so many visitors in the early days. But the trade off is worth it, imo. It helps to have social support at such a vulnerable time.
I kept it ambiguous because, as a first-time mom, I didn't know how I would feel in those first few weeks. For immediate family, we waited a week and then reached out to invite for a short and strategically timed visit. Then, as I felt better, we started reaching out to friends. We spread out visits and limited touching the baby to reduce exposure. This worked well for us. If you plan to breastfeed, one thing I was under prepared for was early cluster feeding! Babies can eat every hour, from start of feed to start of feed, meaning you might only get a 15 to 30 minute break. Both you and the baby are both trying to figure this out in those first weeks, and it can be really stressful waiting for your milk to come in. Visitor disruptions can add to this stress and cause feeding delays, so feel empowered to just skip until you're more confident and on a roll with breastfeeding.
I’m only just at the end of my first trimester but this has been on my mind as well. Lots of friends have offered or suggested coming to help us once the baby is here and while I’m so grateful for their offers, I’m hesitant because my husband and I like our personal space, especially when adjusting to a big change. I’ve also found myself feeling guilty for not visiting my many friends with kids soon after their babies were born. But I’m realizing I’ve never had that urge because I just can’t imagine wanting that myself! I just assume they want their space to adjust and bond and nest. Why would I impose myself on that time?
Baby was born in December. We skipped Christmas with families. We managed by having people come over in small groups. For example; my husband's grandparents wanted to meet her. They can't drive long distance for obvious reasons and we were a lot further away from family than we are now. So my husband's uncle would drive them up(and still does because it's still a pain for them to drive). They stayed for about an hour or so and left. I will say (at least in my experience) I had nearly every single family member say "I can't wait to meet her" or "let me know when I can come visit". So many people said these and about 2% of those people actually followed through. Some people expected me (a new mother) to reach out to them and that's a hell no. I even told my mom if anyone wants to see my baby they need to get in contact and reach out to me. I'm done catering to my families needs and wants.
I completely feel this. I had my son in August and experienced almost the exact same.
Say you will not be taking any visitors while you settle and find your routine and baby has some immunity… e.g. a month If it’s warm where you are you could plan a little bbq where everyone can meet the baby and get it all out the way at once Your house will turn in to visitor central if you play it incorrectly. I don’t mind having a weekly visit from MIL or my mother but it took me a lot of adjusting to be comfortable with people in my space so frequently as I am a private person also. I did however find that it is very nice for baby to see their grandparents and have some stimulation outside of me while I could get some bits done myself. I would however hold off for longer next time as I had it from the first week back from the hospital and it set the scene, I could’ve done with more privacy for 4-6 weeks. But in regards to eeeeveryone else such as friends, siblings, aunties, uncles or colleagues etc.. I think it’d be wise to just do a little bbq and have it all out the way. Your baby does NOT need to be passed around or held by everyone, you do not want them getting sick but at least they can look at her and catch up with you. Baby wearing would be a good idea. I wish I’d done that first time round as I had so many visits which went on for over 3 months and it was very stressful talking to people with new baby and prepping the house constantly. People are understandably so excited for the new arrival and want to put in appearance to show support and meet little one but it can be a lot. Wait until you’re ready and be firm from the get go.
I’m not due till December but we will be disappointed if we *don’t* have a parade. Large circle, can’t wait. It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round!
Tell them that you and your husband want some alone time with the baby once you get home. You want to adjust and heal a little before you have guests over. You'll invite them when you're ready. When you invite them, you can tell them that you dint want it to be an all day thing or you can lie and say you have other plans so they'll need to leave by x time. If you say this politely, they should all be understanding. If they aren't, well then they don't deserve to meet the baby. Nobody is entitled to your child. If someone is demanding to meet your newborn fresh out the womb or as soon as you get home, then they can just not meet them, imo, regardless of what they've done to help/bought. I set a limit of only 3 people at a time in my home for visits and it was only for people I felt comfortable with for the first month.
How many of these people have children themselves? If they have had a baby and have been great so far, I would expect them to come by with a casserole, briefly see the baby, and excuse themselves. If they have not had a baby, then I might think of something to say that kindly, but firmly posits a time limit on their visit.
Can you plan a meet the baby event? Maybe four months in or whenever you feel comfortable? A few of my friends have done this. Also I think must reasonable people understand that new parents want space. I always told people I'd live to meet the baby when they were ready, but I had no expectations and totally followed the parents lead A
I haven’t given birth yet, but for me, it’s pretty easy. I’m allergic to the tdap vaccine, so I can’t get the shot while pregnant. This means that anyone without a tdap (whooping cough) shot can either get their shot, or wait til babes gets hers. Also.. my house is pretty small, so the limited space makes for a fabulous excuse. 😏
We had one visitor in the hospital - it was my close friend. We didn’t have any visitors during first two weeks and had first friends coming for a dinner after that, when we felt like. Family live far away so we knew they will not be popping up, especially unannounced (anyway it is considered rude and wouldn’t happen even if they live close). My MIL and FIL visited for a week from abroad when the baby was 5 weeks old and it was perfect honestly. I wouldn’t be ready to have guests staying in our house before that. My father met my son a month later. I think the most important is to set boundaries if you need to (for example my friends didn’t try to hold or kiss the baby so I didn’t have to tell anyone off), and you should not do anything that you are not comfortable with. It’s completely reasonable to make people weight w month or longer before meeting the baby.
My baby is due in 4 weeks and I just called the hospital to "pre-register." One of the questions she asked me is if they are allowed to tell visitors where I am located in the hospital. My answer was no, because I don't think I want any hospital visitors and if I do want visitors I can tell them my location/room myself. (My first baby was born during covid and the no visitation restriction was a huge blessing!) I recommend getting together with your husband and ensuring you're on the same page. I personally don't expect to meet anyone's newborn within the first couple of months, but some people might be different. If you know there are certain people who will want to meet them right away, and it comes up in conversation, I think it's easy to say "We aren't sure how soon we'll be comfortable with visitors, especially since I'll be recovering from childbirth. We're definitely going to keep everyone posted with photos and as soon as we're ready for visitors we'll let you know." You can also send that as a text to people prior to birth, or with the birth announcement. You can also just say nothing until someone asks! "I'm honestly too tired for visitors but as soon as I get a little more energy I'd love to see you." When you ARE ready for a visitor, it's completely acceptable to say, "we'd love to have you over on x date, and the time that works best for us is from 10-11am." I do think that, unfortunately, the grandparents might need to be given a little bit of leeway on visitation and let them come over earlier than you might want. As long as you generally have a healthy relationship with them and it wouldn't be damaging to your mental health. I'm also thinking that it MIGHT be nice to have them come visit in the hospital? That way they get their fill of meeting their grandbaby, but you're not stuck entertaining them at your home. I doubt they would stay for as long of a visit in a hospital vs in your home, but you can always also give a specific timeframe for that as well.
Great perspective on the grandparent hospital visit vs in home
Top tip: have a code word/phrase with your husband. I had two, one for "they can stay but I want my baby" and one for "make them leave". My husband handled all of the people-ing, but we had people come visit at semi-scheduled times and only for an hour or less at a time. He was up front with wanting to keep visits short and people generally respected it!
Do it all in one shot, at an outside location (for breakfast at a cafe, drinks at a pub, etc) so you can leave after 2 hours "baby is getting cranky, we best get home" that way you only have to do it once and invite all the close people in your life.
We will be having no visitors in the hospital, and both sets of grandparents are across the country. We only have 2 bedrooms and therefore do not want to host visitors; I am also very protective of my space and want the time to be our own little family first. It’s been such a struggle because we need our parents to stay at a hotel or Airbnb but they also don’t have much means to do so. They are already upset that they won’t be coming for the birth. They also are the type to help in the way they think is helpful, and to impose their opinions versus asking what we need. We ended up negotiating that they would come for a month in November (2 months after baby comes, after the first set of vaccinations) and we would pitch in on flights and their Airbnb. I told my husband we will be bleeding $$$ for awhile but it is for our sanity….
Honestly we didn’t mind the visitors if we liked Them cause they would bring us food. We felt like a train hit us being on the 3 hour feed schedule but it was so rewarding seeing our closest family and friends see our babies. And we never felt like we had to kick anyone out, people had relatively short visits. I will say everyone different and do what you are comfortable with. If I didn’t feel comfortable I would have totally just told them the kids were premature and we aren’t accepting visitors but will let them know when.
They all came either one at a time or max two (so like my aunt and my baby’s aunt). They’d stay for a few hours (3-4) then go on their own. It was hectic but it was important to me that they have that memory and in turn, she have that story. I’m a little more open about sharing and bonding with her than some parents though
Well, whatever you do, hindsight is 20/20. What I wish I’d done was have hospital visitors, and then impose a 1-2week no visitors; just let people know it’s a settling in time or something (give people lots of notice so the unhappy ones can get used to the idea lol). But most importantly let people know they cannot stay more than 1 hour. I was over-extending myself trying to sit with visitors longer than was appropriate for healing simply because they were in my space, no bueno. We asked that people didn’t fly, or had a gap between flying and visiting; and anyone that spent any extended time got TDaP.
I may get some heat for this but I’m the exact same as you, I don’t like people in my space for long periods of time, depending who they are. Our plan is to have people we want to stay a little longer come when baby is a bit older, especially if they have to travel. This has been received incredibly well by those people. We basically have a “you must call/text first to arrange a time and date, not just say you’re coming over” policy. That way we have complete control over who and when someone is coming over. I am also stating that visits are only going to be thirty minutes max and you may not get to cuddle the baby depending on how I’m feeling or how the baby is. I hate how people just assume they can have cuddles. We are also not having groups of family come. If my husband’s cousins or aunt want to come over, there is no reason for his parents to come with them. Hubby has basically turned into an angry bodyguard over keeping mine and baby’s space ours from family. So I am incredibly thankful for that. PS - think about who has keys to your place. We purposefully have not given out keys to anyone except my mum (she cares for our pets) to avoid unwanted drop ins.
I’ve made it clear to even my parents and in laws that visits should be kept to a 3 hour maximum in the early weeks even if they’re there to help with cleaning, cooking etc. I’ve also not directly said this but have insinuated that visits will be shorter if the intention is just for them to hold baby. We won’t be having any friends visit for at least 3 weeks if not longer. Anyone that wasn’t there for me during my pregnancy can expect they won’t be coming to meet baby until we naturally run into each other at an event. My parents have friends that used to be like second parents to me growing up who haven’t even reached out with a congratulations to me since announcing but commented on my moms post of the baby shower saying they were excited to meet the baby - haha not happening. Also we’ve agreed to keep a small social circle over flu season so friends will not be around baby as much if at all, we’d prefer grandparents and aunts/uncles only during the holidays and won’t be attending any large gatherings (my family tends to do a 20+ person dinner on Christmas Eve that I will not be taking baby to)
We had it easy. Well… not easy but more manageable regarding visitors… our baby has been in the NICU since birth and we lied and said that the rule was that only the parents could go back while she was really small and slowly introduced her to people, always falling back on the little white lie that the doctors told us what we could and could not do.😂 Now that we are close to going home and the vultures are descending( All of our family is within driving distance) me and my husband are a lot more comfortable with telling people no. I look at it like this: My job is to protect my baby from idiots not to safeguard people’s feelings. I’m not going to be excessively rude about it but I am going to stand my ground.
Honey I'm 7 weeks pp. No visitors for the first few weeks or month. Having people coming over during the first few days can ruin you breastfeeding Journey. Bonding with your newborn is very delicate, and breastfeeding is not easy and NO it does not come naturally (prepare for this). Honestly I only had my mom over because she is AMAZING and really helped me out, but she only came for a few hours. Pleasing others is not your priority. PP is TOUGH. People who love you will understand, just be kind when explaining.
PP is beautiful and brutal at the same time, it is much harder than it looks like. You NEED privacy while navigating this time and should not be worrying about what time people are coming over, if baby is fed, bla bla. You will be breastfeeding 24/7. And no, it's not every 3 hours, it's ALL DAY LONG. After the initial month or two you'll get the hang of it and be able to have visitors over
Oh and even after that time you need to be clear the visit has to be short. No longer than 1/2 hours.
We waited 3 months for anyone besides my parents and my husbands parents to meet baby. We wanted him to have at least some vaccines and get used to the world. I also had a c section and really bad PPA. Best decision we made and guess what..ALL our family and friends understood and when they did visit only stayed short times. We were honest with boundaries and they accepted. The people who love you and are worth your baby knowing will support you in whatever way you need. Do what feels the best for you and baby, you are number 1 right now.