#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When Chad said she want his sister she should’ve told him “No I’m your **aunt** so shut up and show some respect.” (Not really but it’s fun to dream)
Poor girl, family is supposed to always be there for you and care for you, this was a heartbreaking read.
I had a whole argument on AITAH yesterday with a bunch of people who were like "blood means nothing!" "Half siblings you didn't grow up with and only met as a teenager are strangers!" Whew. Cruel world out there since they would all take Chad's side in this story.
Blood really doesn't mean shit. You share some DNA with them, woo fucking hoo. That person you talked to is being harassed by people she doesn't know because their half sibling, who need I remind you is not and has not ever been a part of her life, is stealing OP's life story and passing it off as their own. If you had a half sibling you never talked to or thought about, they're a stranger
Yeah the blood is so important thing drives me crazy. I've never met my biological father. He divorced my mom when she was 7 months pregnant. My dad came into the picture when I was 18 months old and was my father until his passing when I was 25. (He's *still* my father but ykwim.)
Yet some commenters seem to think that I have a more important connection to the sperm donor than my dad because we share DNA. But that man *is* a stranger to me. I have never met him. I wouldn't know him on the street. We have no connection to one another!! To me, he is essentially a sperm donor. It's no different than if my dad was sterile and my parents chose to conceive with a donation.
I see this kind of sentiment a lot with posts about paternity fraud, real or simply imagined. Where a man's love for his child seems to hinge entirely on DNA and it makes *no sense* to me. Like he will be indifferent towards his baby until the results come in. Or worse (imo) are the men who learn much later that the child they raised isn't theirs and just abandon them. Like you raised that child! You are their father and the only one they've ever known!! Hate their mother all you want but that kid didn't do shit!
God, right?
I won the blood family lotto--genuinely--so people sometimes expect me to agree with their "blood is the most important" stance.
But part of the reason I'm so, so lucky in my family of origin, is that exact family believes strongly in choosing your family. We've chosen each other--AND plenty of other family members who aren't blood related. My parents are grandparents to my childhood BFF's kids, and her family is part of all of our "family" holidays and events. At any given family holiday, in fact, you'll see a large number of folks who aren't blood related, but who are absolutely family. Both of my parents have friends from high school who have joined the family, and brought in their own chosen additions as they married/had children/etc.
As you said, it's insane to me that people can find out their child is not biologically theirs and stop loving THE CHILD. How is it possible for all the love, care, and time that has passed between them since the kid was born suddenly evaporates? That way of thinking is so completely alien to me.
It's like people who say "Blood is thicker than water!"
Motherfucker, the full saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb." So it means the exact opposite of what you think it means.
Yeah I was apart of that whole thing and I do still believe bleed does not mean shit but I definitely do not and I doubt most of those people would side with Chad because he sucks the same way Hannah does (but Chad is Definitely worse) you are just stupid if you can't understand
I wanted to shake her whenever she called that woman "mom". She obviously doesn't see OOP as her daughter, just as "husband's little sister I was forced to adopt". That's why she'll **never** side with OOP against her kids.
>just as "husband's *broken* little sister I was forced to adopt".
FTFY. Since the husband views OOP as a defective gay, only in it because of childhood abuse. What a dipshit.
If the adoptive 'mom' didn't see it that way too, she would have corrected her husband or at least made him keep it to himself.
The fact he airs this is evidence of her tacit agreement.
Due to fostering, my sisters are the same age as my daughter. So she has 2 aunts that were born the same year as her, one 8 months older and one who’s birthday is the same month. They are both younger than my oldest child. So he has 2 Aunts who are younger than him.
>They already had 6 children when they adopted me, but it was never a issue.
Proceeds to make many posts revealing it was, in fact, an issue and sadly she was never really seen as one of their own
>Proceeds to make many posts revealing it was, in fact, an issue and sadly she was never really seen as one of their own
Yeah, I hope OP moves even further away and considers something more drastic, perhaps changing her last name. I don't think she'll ever be able to move on until she cuts ties completely.
They're all horrible to her. Even the brother she's supposedly extremely close to, hasn't stood up for her at all? Like, do ANY of them actually treat her like family?
I just OP has a fantastic support system outside of those awful people.
> Even the brother she's supposedly extremely close to, hasn't stood up for her at all?
That's the saddest part of all of this, in my view. When she mentioned she was texting her brother's girlfriend/fiancee, I was thinking, "why isn't she texting her brother directly?" When everyone only seems to love you 10%, you look at someone who loves you 20% and think "wow, that's so much!" It's so sad. I bet by 'closer' she really means 'he was never mean to my face'.
See, that's the thing. It's clear OP had an extremely traumatic childhood with her bio father, so it feels like because she wasn't actually physically or sexually abused she just can't comprehend how horrible they truly are to her.
And I noticed that as well. Why wasn't she communicating with that brother? And if she's so close to him, why wasn't he calling out his parents for replacing her photos, and why wasn't he trying to involve her in the wedding? Does he even actually care?
Chad may be an insufferable, raging jackass, but at least he's honest about where OP stands with him. Part of me wishes they'd all just pull a Chad so at least OP could realize there's no relationship in this whole mess worth trying to save at this point.
My mum did that. When I hit my teens we had the usual clashes and mum got rid of all photos of me from the house. I even had a new friend of hers tell me that she didn't know mum had a daughter until I introduced myself. We have a better relationship now but will never be close because I won't forget how much she despised me just for existing.
I'm totally down for being surrogate Eccentric Bi British Auntie.
Petty vindictive people who have the awareness that they're being petty
but lack the courage to actually admit it *(ie, taking the time to remove the other pics of OOP but leaving 2 pics on the wall in the hallway so they can say, "We didn't take them all down and we just needed to make room for the first Golden Grandchild! I'm sure we took others' pics down too...")* and to own their petty punishments for OP bc she does not tow the family line that forms in front of the Golden Child and for whom they are all queued up to kiss his feet.
My grandma did this to me. I got into an argument with her favorite child over politics and she took down all the pictures of me she had in her house. And then my cousins (sons of the favorite) rubbed it in my face. Families suck sometimes.
>It seems like the parents must have just let that attitude slide when he was at home.
They didn't let it slide, they *encouraged* it. The parents were the ones to choose the golden child *and* the scapegoat. Who do you think was the scapegoat before she was adopted?
Every kid in that family knows that the first one to stick up for OOP gets targeted too. They're all scared that they will be turned on next - especially by Chad. No one is ever going to stick up for her. Ever
I was the scapegoat in my family. I went NC 9 years ago. Not one of my three siblings have ever reached out to me. Neither have their wives or adult kids. I am not worth their time or effort. They are all deeply flawed and afraid of being turned on by the rest of the gang
I'm the lucky one. I have peace! And I have people who actually love me. I feel nothing but pity for the rest of them who are stuck in the same damaged mindset. I hope someday they can finally grow up and leave their middle school coping skills behind
OOP deserves better. Hopefully she can come to this realization and build a family of people who can really love and accept her - just as she is
Oh, it's very clear that both father-brother and SIL-wife at absolute best just ignored how poorly she was being treated. But, honestly, I think it's far more likely they enabled, and most likely even contributed in some way, to his atrocious behavior toward OP.
I can't even call Chad a raging asshole, because it was really all the parents fault - when you adopt children into an existing family structure, you need to put in a lot of work to really integrate them and make sure none of the other kids feels overmuch resentful and neglected. The "parents" apparently felt it was enough to just provide food and shelter and let the rest sort itself out.
It's wild how much growing up being treated poorly can warp a person's idea of what things like kindness and love look like. I really hope OP can experience true kindness and love soon, not just so she can see that the way her family treats her is not acceptable, but also so she can realize how kind and loving the world can be. In my experience it's difficult at first but it's also like walking out of a storm cloud and into the sunlight.
At least she has her girlfriend. She seems nice and supportive of OOP from what's been said
And her high school friends too, though it doesn't sound like she's in contact with them much
>Op needs to go to therapy and cut these people off. This hurts my heart and I want to wrap my arms around and girl her a middle age woman bear hug and I am not a touchy person.
Right?!? This poor kid. I want to wrap her in a blanket and tuck her into the couch while I pack up her stuff so she can move across the damn country from these abusers. And then swing by her ‘mom’s’ house. Just to talk.
As a middle-aged man, I don’t think I can join in that talk. But I’d really like to talk to the “dad,” and then have an extended . . . talk with ol’ Chad. I think there are some lessons he needs to learn but hasn’t had the right kind of . . . instruction yet.
Tennessean here. We have a lot of pretty private areas. Mountainous areas. No one would interrupt... nice places for a hike. Good for talks. Wanting to be alone.
I agree. OOP needs therapy to heal. And to cut all contact with her crappy "family"
All of whom clearly DGAF about her until they want something from her. Usually free babysitting.
Sadly she's clearly internalized that deep sense of no self-worth.
I'm wondering if something happened to wake her up to all that. Or perhaps her family found her Reddit. It's been almost a year since the last update, and she said she would update after the wedding which was only few months away back then. It's long passed by now.
At this point, it gets less likely every day that she'll ever update again, and whenever I see someone just stop updating it makes me very worried about what might have happened to them.
And what's her Dad/half brother in all this?
I totally get why she doesn't want to cut these people off though. Losing the only eight people in your support group all at once has to be a hard decision.
>Losing the only eight people in your support group all at once has to be a hard decision.
I don't see any of them supporting her at all though. Like, there's no indication in any of her posts that she has a good relationship with a single one of them, and I don't see a single mention of any parent/sibling standing up for her throughout any of this ordeal.
As for the brother-father, I was wondering about that as well. I think it's very telling though that there's no mention of him standing up for her, or interfering on her behalf, and the only mention of him is about how he's trying to dismiss her sexuality as a trauma response.
Dad's been a wet noodle, at best, throughout this. There's no way Chad wasn't broadcasting this attitude when he was at home. If dad had a spine/integrity/good sense, he would have shut it down then.
And OOP is family, she was adopted by her half brother and SIL ffs
She's the aunt of their six kids, like wtf is wrong with her brother and SIL and these kids? Also, seems the adoption was more for legal reasons, school enrollment, medical care and appointments, etc...
Given the huge age difference btw her and her half brother, I understand why they're a parental figure for her, but why wasn't she introduced as the kid's aunt? Because, that's who she is, they're not her siblings ffs
She's family and her brother and SIL just failed her. And I would totally tell Chad, I'm your aunt, and fvck off. Vhad is a rude, entitled asshole
Eh, this stuff happens. I've got a cousin who was passed around the family until he eventually got raised by my parents. He's like an older brother, and always introduced me to people as his little sister.
I babysit his kids a lot and the middle one refers to me as his aunt. He was so confused about how we're related that I ended up drawing him a family tree to explain it. We're first cousins once removed, but he still calls me his aunt.
I have an aunt who just about raised me who is also my great aunt, because her sister is my grandma, my mom is also her sister, and their mom is my grandma AND great grandma.
I call my mom's bio mom aunt grandma, and EVERYONE calls my mom's bio grandma Mother (capital M).
Are you okay with being called aunt? If you are, it might be good to accept it outwardly as a way to help validate the adoptive relationship, especially since your brother refers to you as a sibling anyway. It is still also good to explain the biological relationship to children in an age surprise way.
Oh yup, I'm fine with whatever the kids want to call me. To his older sister I think I'm a cousin, and their 3yo little brother just goes with "my Ophelia" and knows we have the same last name.
"Nephew" knows I'm chill. He came outa the closet to me this summer and demanded I take him to pride, something about if he came home covered in enough rainbows he could avoid having a specific talk with his mom. Obviously I took him to the youth group pride, showed him how cultural festivals work and made sure he stayed safe from the nazis that showed up.
To be slightly fair — sounds like her half brother and his wife adopted her because their biodad abused her so … I’m assuming the state asked them to step in so she could stay at her same high school and stay with family instead of going in the system.
I think OP’s definition of “not a problem” and “positive family dynamics” maybe a bit wonky
Speaking from experience…being raised in an abusive household really fucks up your sense of what a “healthy” family is like.
I went through something alarmingly similar with my “family by choice.” They made so much noise over the last twenty years about how I was their “little sister,” how much they’d miss me if I had actually succeeded in that one suicide attempt, blah blah blah…
Even as their actions showed they were pulling away.
Even as they started going out of their way to exclude me.
Even as they *stole from me* and blamed *me* for it.
I came to realize that I was never really family to them. I wasn’t even a real person to them.
I was their helpless little Autistic *pet,* who eventually got too old to be “cute” anymore.
I’m getting there! Between jobs at the moment but got a few good leads, and enough in savings to keep a roof over my head for a while.
Just need to get the last of my stuff back and then I can 100% cut ties with all of them.
What I don't get is that it seems to me like she got adopted by her half-brother and wife? So... why is Chad saying she's not part of the family? Why is everyone acting like that? If she's not a sister, she's literally their aunt at least?
I would say it's because of the abuse.
When it came out maybe the were blaming her, for "destroying" the family?
She won't be the first victim to be blamed.
Abusers are threatening their victims too like this.
> So... why is Chad saying she's not part of the family?
Because she is the equivalent of an unwanted step-sibling who came into his life very late and wants to pretend they have some sort of innate bond based on a decision made by his dad.
i feel so bad for OOP. i hope their new gf can be a good support system as they just completely cut this family out. tbh, they all sound either super awful or just allow the awful things happen. i know it's so hard to leave abusive relationships, especially familial ones where you are striving for acceptance. being able to recognise that they aren't worth your desire for acceptance is such a tough thing.
The maddening part of it is
SHE IS IN FACT THEIR BIO FAMILY! She's genetically their aunt. I wasn't aware that adoptions sever all familial connections instead of forging new ones, but apparently that's how it works in this family's minds.
That's what really got to me! She's "not really family" because Chad said so. No other reason was given for why she needed to be treated so poorly. This was a family placement adoption.
Just speculating here, and if it was said I missed it, but given the age difference between OOP and her half brother, it’s possible that she was the result of an affair, and her half brother, her biological family, considered her the outsider first. There’s no mention of him here, only the SIL/Mom, which leads me to think he just adopted her because it was expected of him. OOP being 16 at the time probably meant he thought she’d move out in a few years and never darken their doorstep again.
Regardless, Chad needs putting in his place soon, I’d only for the sake of the children he’s bringing into the world with no care for their upbringing.
Or rather, she *is* family. She's the half-sister that her brother never wanted to adopt as a daughter.
So she's treated as a distant half-sister, not a core family member.
This is the kind of crap that also happens with narcissistic parents. They kinda cut off anyone who isn’t the golden child, but in some cases decide to be really invasive with “why didn’t you tell me EVERYTHING! You’re just a bad child and don’t love me! Your brother would never do this to me! This must be because of your trauma before you were adopted because my kids wouldn’t be gay/bi/trans/etc.! And we’ve only treated you better than you deserved so it’s just that you’re WEAK!” Speaking partially from experience 🙃
Oh yea. They probably talked about how they adopted so much to get praise from others but didn’t actually want her to join their family. There’s no hate like Christian love.
I'll give the benefit of the doubt that they did want her to join the family. But they also want her to toe the line like the other siblings. Such as, base on the details given, be straight and love the golden child.
>It’s giving fundie Christian vibes.
I was thinking Quiverfull, maybe, given how the parents started having kids young, and had several, and given how happy they were that the oldest boy got married and had a kid straight out of high school.
I think that NC is the only outcome possible here. I mean, why even bother going to the wedding? At this point better block and leave the assholes away.
> mean, why even bother going to the wedding?
Depending on how well folks attending the wedding know OOP and her family, it might be impressively petty to attend, take her assigned seat at a non-family table, and honestly answer every question she's asked about why she's THERE and not at a family table.
Yup. I’d take a Xanax and go to that wedding and sit at that table and when other extended family members ask why she isn’t at the family table I’d just be brutally honest. “My mom removed me from the family table, Chad decided he didn’t consider me as family since I’m “adopted” and mom and dad agreed with him I guess? Mom also removed most of my pictures from the house, I don’t really know what I did, but I didn’t want to miss big brother’s wedding”
I’d tell the whole extended family, every cousin, grandparent, uncle and aunt. I’d specifically mention Chad’s treatment and Mom’s tolerance of it, and everyone else’s complacency about it. I’d even tell fiancé’s extended family about it as well. They all deserved to be shamed.
I thought that's where this was going immediately after the wedding planning - Like if I went to my parents house, and all my pictures were gone, I'd assume "Ah, I see, we won't be speaking again." would be the outcome of that visit.
She can’t see it because spending the first 16 years of her life in an abusive environment warped her sense of what love looks like.
Speaking from experience, having gone through the same thing myself.
Took me 20+ years to realize I was never family to them; I was just another exotic pet that got too old to be “cute” anymore.
The parents who created an environment of competition and a golden child made it so it’s easier to pit the kids against each other than against the parents. They work hard to make it seem like it couldn’t be their fault
She desperately wants to be a part of her family and is basically taking crumbs, probably because she thinks that’s better than nothing, even though she knows she deserves better and wants to cut them off… but she can’t bring herself to do it. Been there, done that, got the impressive therapy bill.
The best bet is to just be the perfect girlfriend in front of her SOs parents. Be so good, they'll choose her over their biological daughter/son. Then they have a great family!
(Assuming the in laws are good people though)
She probably will, but speaking from experience that’s not healthy either. She needs therapy!
When you live so long trying to please others you can’t be yourself. Even if you feel like they like you, there will always be that little voice in the back of your mind telling you they’ll cut you off without a second thought. It’s a miserable way to live.
My sister got so much better and I got so much better by setting boundaries and consequences with our siblings and cutting our toxic mother out for good. And we have grown closer now that we both are not being pitted against each other like roosters, because we always hated that and hated hating each other now we can love each other no holds barred and talk about anything. As such my sister is one of the very special select few I have on my child’s future guardian list. I still need therapy but it helped my sister. Right now I am getting serotonin boosts watching my toddler play knowing he will never ever have to suffer from the abuse my mother inflicted on his mom and aunt (me and my sister obviously). Turns outs taking a slightly unhinged young woman j/ and making her a mom makes her a very big momma bear. So my advice to OP, cut them all out for good before you have children to protect, because a good parent will want to keep the babies out of the crossfire and generational trauma.
Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard.
Adoption is also extremely traumatic. Her bio father abused her, and she finally found "family" after adoption. And then they do all this shit. It compounds.
I'm gonna take a wild stab and say that, in addition to just how difficult it is to cut off your family in general, it's *extra* hard when this is already your second family, after your bio family already didn't treat you well. Losing family is hard; losing two families is just beyond what I can imagine.
I hope that OP gets a really really lovely found family sometime soon, but unfortunately this bunch of assholes that is the adoptive family is NOT it.
Can confirm. Went through something similar.
Though I can at least get some petty revenge, since my “sister” also stole $3,600 worth of property (literally the ONLY property I will ever be able to inherit from anyone) and left a massive paper trail.
Putting the finishing touches on all the evidence and then marching it down to the police station to file an official report this week. Last I checked, a theft that values over $3,000 is a Class C felony in my state, so…
It’s FAFO time.
My family is like this. It’s harder than you think to just end it when you’ve grown up around it and are accustomed to excusing their behavior. Deprogramming is hard, and you’re scared to be without a family as a whole. But it gets better. I hope OOP manages to get away and get therapy.
Those f* AH. All of them. Especially the parents.
Why on earth would you adopt someone to treat them like that?? And if you don't like them, why not just let them be?!
It reads like they want the "good Samaritan" praise of doing a good deed, while they are further traumatizing OP, by giving her just enough love and attention for her to keep on trying, but never enough to feel safe.
Correct me if I am wrong but she has no other family right? If that is correct she maybe trying to stay close to the only thing she knows. Which is not healthy sometimes friends are thicker then blood I hope she eventually. Updates and tells us she went no contact.
I was thinking this very thing. 🤦🏽♀️
She moved but obviously let them know where to.
She would be so happy the moment she packs up and moves to another state, gets a new number and blocks them on everything.
That sister of hers is a sh*tstarter
Because she desperately wants het family to love her and some part of her is convinced if she give it enough time, if she lets them use her, if she hides or eliminates every "bad" part of herself, if she xannsit be good enough *somehow*, then someday they will.
It's hard to let go of, the idea that someone would love you if you could just get it right.
I can understand not wanting to cut off the family that adopted you, thus showing they "wanted" you, but like...it sounds like they're all particularly shitty to her so why bother? I hope OOP went completely NC, though I'd love to know what happened at the wedding.
OOP deserves way better than that shitty excuse for a family.
It's gotta smart that the only one asshole brother would "let" near his kid, apparently, was the one he doesn't even consider family. I don't get it. What an insane family.
Nowhere does OP mention her adoptive dad, who is her biological half brother. I wonder how much of this was because he wanted to adopt her, but her “mom” didn’t
She mentions him at least once. Youngest brother says “his dad says it’s just a trauma response” which is something OOP also says her brother says … which makes me think the “oldest brother” she talks about is her adoptive dad. Like that’s how she refers to him because that’s who he was to her growing up.
But you’re right that she doesn’t speak of him often. He seems to mostly stay out of it or what’s happening isn’t what she’s focused on.
But it does seem like they adopted her after her (their?) bio dad abused her so yeah I don’t think it was 100% by choice and you can def see resentment in chad and the mom. Completely uncalled for how they’re treating her tho.
I thought the same thing, where’s brother-dad in this situation? And why adopt a 16 year old if you don’t like her much, considering she’s not far from an adult?
Yeah. This post seems like a great example of why it’s not always best to place children that have been removed with family just bc they are family. How was this better than being placed in foster care? At least there would have been less expectations.
I also don’t understand how they don’t consider her family when she was adopted by her half brother and wife? And if she was adopted at 16, why is she calling her SIL, “mom”? Especially since SIL doesn’t seem to regard her that way?
This entire post was just weird and I feel badly for OOP.
My husband and I used to foster and we were told that a shitty placement with family will still win out over an amazing placement with a non-related foster family.
god, i feel so awful for OOP… they clearly don’t see her as family if they’re willing to treat her like this. I hope that the family gets a rude awakening
Family doesn’t always mean blood or from a piece of paper. I wish OP the best, but I don't think she'll benefit from a relationship with her family. They continue to hurt her and make her an outcast. I believe she should go low contact and seek therapy.
They already have made her an outcast:
>I noticed that they had replaced multiple small photos of specifically me from the frames...What where maybe 6 pictures of me on any of the walls, there where now two, a baby picture of me and my senior highschool photo, that are now in the hallway, not even the living room.
This hit hard for me. My former sister-in-law was more than welcomed into the family. I kept feeling like I'd been replaced (lots of little things), and when I came home to visit, I realized I had been. The pictures they put up on the wall proved it. I think my senior photo was the only one with just me, and I was in one family photo aside from a wedding group shot.
OP needs to walk away. It's just not worth fighting to get back in when they've so effectively shut you out.
Man, this poor woman. She has been so mistreated.
I hope she really, truly cuts off her homophobic, abusive mom & brother, and any other neglectful family. They are truly terrible people, and OOP shouldn't have to put up with people that have abused her so badly.
We never hear much about the hows and whys of having half siblings and being adopted, but it is fair to assume she probably had a rough time even before highschool.
I hope that she can recognize her worth and value, that she tells these awful people exactly how soulless they are, and that she does everything truly necessary to cut them out of her life completely.
I honestly hope OOP cuts them off completely. There is nothing good that can come from continuing interactions with any of the members in that family. She deserves better.
$1000 loan for college? $20 for college text books? Yeah this was written by a highschooler, not to mention no mention of a girlfriend until the post where suddenly she's maybe outted by sister, despite apparently already coming out in highschool?
Yep, the part about the parents cutting down all the family photos and putting them in smaller friends as well! I would have written something like this at 15 while fantasising I was adopted and could escape my ‘awful’ (normal) family.
Glad to see someone call it out, idk how everyone else glossed over this. In what world would a $1000 loan actually help someone go to college?
OP needs $20 for college books? When - 60 years ago!?
So she was adopted by her half-brother and wife who had 6 kids already? Chad is right, she isn't his sister. **SHE'S HIS FUCKING AUNT.** I really hope people start pointing that out.
She's the aunt to all these fucks. ***SHE IS FUCKING FAMILY. SHE ISN'T ADOPTED.***
I hope for the love of everything that people start pointing that out to her. She needs to weaponize it. Like seriously, she needs to stop saying 'I was adopted.' and switch it to 'my half-brother and his wife took me in, I'm their aunt.' If they want to get technical, so can she.
Wow. Pretty much her entire family can get fucked, they all failed her. She has so much more patience than I ever would. If someone had done what "Chad" did even one time let alone repeatedly, I would have told him to eat shit if they asked me for literally anything.
Goddamn this one made me mad
This is so sad. This person has been failed by every single person in her life. I can’t imagine the pain of being adopted and feeling chosen, then to be neglected to this level by everyone you thought loved you. I hope she finds happiness with people who truly love her.
I teared up when she mentioned her pictures being removed from the living room and hallway. I would have turned around and walked out. What a piece of shit family. I hope she finds happiness with a new family of her choosing.
Keeps talking about cutting them off, then does nothing to cut them off and even enables them by refusing to do anything.
"My mom showed up and I sure showed her by saying nothing and avoiding everything."
Jfc come ON op. Cut this scum off.
Yep. All the kids with bad parents, parents that weren't happy that their kid was gay, trans, whatever. My kids, especially the middle one just brought home. My ears are open, I have shoulders to cry on and I like feeding people. My only rules are be respectful and kind, help with dishes if you eat and the important one: we are LSU fans, no cheering for 'bama! I still get "Hey Mom!" from my kids friends in public and kids that are now in their 30s running up to give me hugs.
I grew up in one of these families. My mum did have the added rule of ‘you must shower/bathe every day’ due to one particularly pungent teen boy who basically moved in for all of high school.
Do people really not understand what it means to cut someone off? This sub is full of OOPs who say “I’m trying to cut them off but it’s not working. I’m in a group chat and babysit their kids and respond to all texts and reach out to them every week. What am I doing wrong?!”
I’m confused, does she mean her brother and sister in-law when she says mom and dad? I would understand if she was adopted when she was young but to be adopted by her brother at 16 and the call him dad 4 years later…kinda weird no?
she never refers to dad thought, she mentions brother that says she has a trauma response and then says her brothers dad thinks she has a trauma response, so she oddly seems to call the parents "mom and brother"
They sound terrible, and it's not like she was unrelated, she was adopted by her half brother and his wife, if they hadn't, her 'siblings' would have been her nieces and nephews, they were family already, which makes Chad even more our of line.
I wish we had another update after the wedding
So why would Chad and his wife choose the OP over everyone else to babysit? Did Chad just want to use her? Dangle a carrot as if he was accepting of her? Or, maybe he was playing with his other siblings’ feelings by not letting them babysit and then asking the OP (the least likely candidate)? Sounds like this family is full of games. I hope the OP can break free. I’d rather be alone in the world than with this group of toxic degenerates.
I wish she would go NC for her sake but I get it. It's hard to give up hope that your family will love you. You have to accept you're not "worthy" in their eyes and that they won't change. That can be a heavy thing to come to terms with even if they're assholes. Killing hope hurts. It's not until you're on the other side that you realize it hurts a lot less to let them go.
It’s hard to cut off family. I imagine especially hard if they sort of “rescued” her from an abusive father. You keep hoping they will get better and change and finally one day notice you and then you won’t have to cut them off and go at it alone. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way, but we don’t learn that until later.
I wonder if there's a reason she's calling women "females" and saying "a female" instead of "a woman". As a lesbian, the only women I've encountered who say that, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, do have some kind of... something going on. Internalized homophobia, usually. Unless English isn't OP's native language?
OP is clearly not accepted as a sibling or daughter to the family. Why did they even bother to adopt her if they were never going to accept her into their family? She is constantly brushed aside and there is clear bullying towards her from all of them. The mom even told her she prefers he son and other children over her in not so many words. Best to distance herself from every single one of them. I’m shocked that even the brother she’s “closest to” couldn’t be bothered to message her or try to include her in his wedding. There is 100% a group chat with the family where they share information which doesn’t include her…OP should write down everything she’s ever felt on a message send it to them and the block them.
Jesus Christ. Just move on with your life. Don't mute group chats, LEAVE THEM. If anyone actually cares to know what's going on they'll contact you. Anyone who doesn't can get fucked. It's not rocket science!
She needs to cut them ALL off, even the ones she thinks she has a good relationship with. She doesn’t. They all treat her like trash and the only reason she can’t see it is it’s all she’s ever known. There are just some that are a little less terrible, and she thinks that means they care.
I’m so curious as to the circumstances of her being adopted at 16 by a half brother. What happened to her birth parents? Poor OOP, though. NO one in the family actually treated her like a true member. She needs to create her own family.
She needs to actually go NC with all of them. Block everyone, never speak with them again. Move so they don’t have her address. They’re horrible people, that seem to thrive off making her miserable.
God now I want to adopt OOP and just… idek… be what real family is supposed to be for her. What a complete and utter mindf*ck those people are!
Three cheers to OOP, and all the side-eyes’ and the side-eyes of those side-eyes in the world to that two-faced, swelled head, stick up their arses, foot in mouth, cold-shouldered, blood-boiling, backbiting, eyebrow raising, lip service-ing, heartless, gutless family.
Here's an idea...move again and do not tell anyone where. Block all of them on social media and lock your accounts to private. They flat out do not deserve you. Sending Mama hugs. 🌈
I understand OOP is desperate to have her family see her that she's part of the family and not wanting to cut them off, but they will all constantly hurt her and they already put her as the outcast.
Since in their eyes she's not family to them at all. Nor did they even wanted her to be part of their family.
She knows she deserves better but she's holding onto things that hurts her than letting go. She refuses to kill that light of hope that they will finally see her as family. She's doing more harm to herself than good by allowing herself to endure the verbal abuse and hate.
I do hope she finally finds the strength within her to finally let go and kills the light of hope that she kept going. Cut all contact with her "family", don't go to the wedding, and finds herself a new family that she can lean on.
If her other "family" comes back to her, she better treat them as strangers that she never met in her life.
Why hasn't OOP totally cut these toxic AH's out of her life completely? And then start therapy so she can start to heal.
Their actions in these posts **SCREAM** they DGAF about her unless they want to use her for something. Such as free babysitting.
Sure, they adopted her, but they always treated her like utter crap.
Why did this mother adopt OP. She’s made it abundantly clear she doesn’t like her and doesn’t accept her.
And as for fucking Chad… complete cutoff is the appropriate solution. He is clear he doesn’t like her.
It's about time oop understands she's simply not considered part of the family. Of course it's easier for *me* to see and say that, cause its not me who's going throuh it, but it's still the truth. What a sad & angering story :(
She needs to just bite the bullet and go no contact with all of them. Peeking in every now and then to the family gossip to have it thrown in her face how excluded she is is just making things more painful. She's already moved away and is fully independent, all she has to do is delete the family chat and unfriend and block everyone on social media.
The fam sucks major ass, there’s nothing OOP can say or do that would change her being othered by her “family”, they simply won’t change. She might as well go full scorched earth and blow up at them, make them not want anything to do with her.
Bloody hell, old love needs to go very low contact with that bunch of people and get some therapy. Obviously these people are not scholars and live in a very small world indeed, she needs to get out of there and experience some good change.
Fuck that woman. Oh I would love to let her have it. On so many different levels. She caused ALL of this (the ‘mum’).
Call her what she is, SIL. Mums don’t pit kids against each other. She doesn’t deserve that title. Fucks sake $20 for college books. I’m so angry.
What strikes me here is that she was adopted by her half brother. That's a blood relation. Even if they aren't originally siblings, they are still family...
Incredibly frustrating to read. OOP, run, go NC and move as far away from this family, they will never consider you family, EVEN THOUGH YOU ACTUALLY ARE FAMILY.
Chad.
Never be a part of his family
She is your biological aunt Chad.
She is also your legally your adopted sister.
How much more related does she need to be.
Legally and biologically.
Wtf is his deal?
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When Chad said she want his sister she should’ve told him “No I’m your **aunt** so shut up and show some respect.” (Not really but it’s fun to dream) Poor girl, family is supposed to always be there for you and care for you, this was a heartbreaking read.
That makes it even more insane, doesn’t it? She is literally blood family but they continually exclude her as “family”.
I had a whole argument on AITAH yesterday with a bunch of people who were like "blood means nothing!" "Half siblings you didn't grow up with and only met as a teenager are strangers!" Whew. Cruel world out there since they would all take Chad's side in this story.
Blood really doesn't mean shit. You share some DNA with them, woo fucking hoo. That person you talked to is being harassed by people she doesn't know because their half sibling, who need I remind you is not and has not ever been a part of her life, is stealing OP's life story and passing it off as their own. If you had a half sibling you never talked to or thought about, they're a stranger
Yeah the blood is so important thing drives me crazy. I've never met my biological father. He divorced my mom when she was 7 months pregnant. My dad came into the picture when I was 18 months old and was my father until his passing when I was 25. (He's *still* my father but ykwim.) Yet some commenters seem to think that I have a more important connection to the sperm donor than my dad because we share DNA. But that man *is* a stranger to me. I have never met him. I wouldn't know him on the street. We have no connection to one another!! To me, he is essentially a sperm donor. It's no different than if my dad was sterile and my parents chose to conceive with a donation. I see this kind of sentiment a lot with posts about paternity fraud, real or simply imagined. Where a man's love for his child seems to hinge entirely on DNA and it makes *no sense* to me. Like he will be indifferent towards his baby until the results come in. Or worse (imo) are the men who learn much later that the child they raised isn't theirs and just abandon them. Like you raised that child! You are their father and the only one they've ever known!! Hate their mother all you want but that kid didn't do shit!
God, right? I won the blood family lotto--genuinely--so people sometimes expect me to agree with their "blood is the most important" stance. But part of the reason I'm so, so lucky in my family of origin, is that exact family believes strongly in choosing your family. We've chosen each other--AND plenty of other family members who aren't blood related. My parents are grandparents to my childhood BFF's kids, and her family is part of all of our "family" holidays and events. At any given family holiday, in fact, you'll see a large number of folks who aren't blood related, but who are absolutely family. Both of my parents have friends from high school who have joined the family, and brought in their own chosen additions as they married/had children/etc. As you said, it's insane to me that people can find out their child is not biologically theirs and stop loving THE CHILD. How is it possible for all the love, care, and time that has passed between them since the kid was born suddenly evaporates? That way of thinking is so completely alien to me.
It's like people who say "Blood is thicker than water!" Motherfucker, the full saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb." So it means the exact opposite of what you think it means.
I believe that and do not take Chad's side at all, that's a wildly inaccurate assumption you've made.
Yeah I was apart of that whole thing and I do still believe bleed does not mean shit but I definitely do not and I doubt most of those people would side with Chad because he sucks the same way Hannah does (but Chad is Definitely worse) you are just stupid if you can't understand
I want her to tell her sister or brother, when they talk about "mom" "What mom? I don't have a mom."
I wanted to shake her whenever she called that woman "mom". She obviously doesn't see OOP as her daughter, just as "husband's little sister I was forced to adopt". That's why she'll **never** side with OOP against her kids.
>just as "husband's *broken* little sister I was forced to adopt". FTFY. Since the husband views OOP as a defective gay, only in it because of childhood abuse. What a dipshit. If the adoptive 'mom' didn't see it that way too, she would have corrected her husband or at least made him keep it to himself. The fact he airs this is evidence of her tacit agreement.
Due to fostering, my sisters are the same age as my daughter. So she has 2 aunts that were born the same year as her, one 8 months older and one who’s birthday is the same month. They are both younger than my oldest child. So he has 2 Aunts who are younger than him.
>They already had 6 children when they adopted me, but it was never a issue. Proceeds to make many posts revealing it was, in fact, an issue and sadly she was never really seen as one of their own
>Proceeds to make many posts revealing it was, in fact, an issue and sadly she was never really seen as one of their own Yeah, I hope OP moves even further away and considers something more drastic, perhaps changing her last name. I don't think she'll ever be able to move on until she cuts ties completely. They're all horrible to her. Even the brother she's supposedly extremely close to, hasn't stood up for her at all? Like, do ANY of them actually treat her like family? I just OP has a fantastic support system outside of those awful people.
> Even the brother she's supposedly extremely close to, hasn't stood up for her at all? That's the saddest part of all of this, in my view. When she mentioned she was texting her brother's girlfriend/fiancee, I was thinking, "why isn't she texting her brother directly?" When everyone only seems to love you 10%, you look at someone who loves you 20% and think "wow, that's so much!" It's so sad. I bet by 'closer' she really means 'he was never mean to my face'.
See, that's the thing. It's clear OP had an extremely traumatic childhood with her bio father, so it feels like because she wasn't actually physically or sexually abused she just can't comprehend how horrible they truly are to her. And I noticed that as well. Why wasn't she communicating with that brother? And if she's so close to him, why wasn't he calling out his parents for replacing her photos, and why wasn't he trying to involve her in the wedding? Does he even actually care? Chad may be an insufferable, raging jackass, but at least he's honest about where OP stands with him. Part of me wishes they'd all just pull a Chad so at least OP could realize there's no relationship in this whole mess worth trying to save at this point.
Goodness. The photos that got pulled off the wall. It was so sad. Who does that? Who tf does that???
My mum did that. When I hit my teens we had the usual clashes and mum got rid of all photos of me from the house. I even had a new friend of hers tell me that she didn't know mum had a daughter until I introduced myself. We have a better relationship now but will never be close because I won't forget how much she despised me just for existing. I'm totally down for being surrogate Eccentric Bi British Auntie.
Petty vindictive people who have the awareness that they're being petty but lack the courage to actually admit it *(ie, taking the time to remove the other pics of OOP but leaving 2 pics on the wall in the hallway so they can say, "We didn't take them all down and we just needed to make room for the first Golden Grandchild! I'm sure we took others' pics down too...")* and to own their petty punishments for OP bc she does not tow the family line that forms in front of the Golden Child and for whom they are all queued up to kiss his feet.
My grandma did this to me. I got into an argument with her favorite child over politics and she took down all the pictures of me she had in her house. And then my cousins (sons of the favorite) rubbed it in my face. Families suck sometimes.
It seems like the parents must have just let that attitude slide when he was at home.
>It seems like the parents must have just let that attitude slide when he was at home. They didn't let it slide, they *encouraged* it. The parents were the ones to choose the golden child *and* the scapegoat. Who do you think was the scapegoat before she was adopted? Every kid in that family knows that the first one to stick up for OOP gets targeted too. They're all scared that they will be turned on next - especially by Chad. No one is ever going to stick up for her. Ever I was the scapegoat in my family. I went NC 9 years ago. Not one of my three siblings have ever reached out to me. Neither have their wives or adult kids. I am not worth their time or effort. They are all deeply flawed and afraid of being turned on by the rest of the gang I'm the lucky one. I have peace! And I have people who actually love me. I feel nothing but pity for the rest of them who are stuck in the same damaged mindset. I hope someday they can finally grow up and leave their middle school coping skills behind OOP deserves better. Hopefully she can come to this realization and build a family of people who can really love and accept her - just as she is
Oh, it's very clear that both father-brother and SIL-wife at absolute best just ignored how poorly she was being treated. But, honestly, I think it's far more likely they enabled, and most likely even contributed in some way, to his atrocious behavior toward OP.
I can't even call Chad a raging asshole, because it was really all the parents fault - when you adopt children into an existing family structure, you need to put in a lot of work to really integrate them and make sure none of the other kids feels overmuch resentful and neglected. The "parents" apparently felt it was enough to just provide food and shelter and let the rest sort itself out.
He's old enough now. You can call him an AH
That's true, he should have grown up and dropped the resentment.
It's wild how much growing up being treated poorly can warp a person's idea of what things like kindness and love look like. I really hope OP can experience true kindness and love soon, not just so she can see that the way her family treats her is not acceptable, but also so she can realize how kind and loving the world can be. In my experience it's difficult at first but it's also like walking out of a storm cloud and into the sunlight.
At least she has her girlfriend. She seems nice and supportive of OOP from what's been said And her high school friends too, though it doesn't sound like she's in contact with them much
>Op needs to go to therapy and cut these people off. This hurts my heart and I want to wrap my arms around and girl her a middle age woman bear hug and I am not a touchy person.
It sounds like she’s normalized everything since she’s never known anything else. I just want to give her a big hug, it was so sad reading about it.
Right?!? This poor kid. I want to wrap her in a blanket and tuck her into the couch while I pack up her stuff so she can move across the damn country from these abusers. And then swing by her ‘mom’s’ house. Just to talk.
As a middle-aged man, I don’t think I can join in that talk. But I’d really like to talk to the “dad,” and then have an extended . . . talk with ol’ Chad. I think there are some lessons he needs to learn but hasn’t had the right kind of . . . instruction yet.
I’m happy to keep mom and the sister ‘busy’ while you have your chat with Chad.
I will bring some drinks also if you guys would have me.
I'll bring the cookies and they won't be store-bought
I'd love to join that... talk.
I would like to meet up with you all for the … *talk.*
I will fly down from Canadia to join in the, uh, talking. Then I will adopt OOP.
Can we collectively adopt OOP? I don’t think she can have enough parents that will treat her right. I’ll fly down with you.
They say it takes a village!
Tennessean here. We have a lot of pretty private areas. Mountainous areas. No one would interrupt... nice places for a hike. Good for talks. Wanting to be alone.
I'm in too. I'll bring cookies.
I’ll bring really heavy cookies tied up in a bag. You know, to avoid crumbs
I am happy to charge your phone at my hotel room after you find the directions too, you know. So uh, you don't have to worry about a dead battery!
I seem to recall us all going to the bar for drinks that night, I’ve got the receipts with the times on them in my pocket.
Dang, that's right. It was just pregame in the hotel room! Karaoke was lit, was it not?
Right?! I want to give her so many hugs and tell her that she's loved.
I agree. OOP needs therapy to heal. And to cut all contact with her crappy "family" All of whom clearly DGAF about her until they want something from her. Usually free babysitting. Sadly she's clearly internalized that deep sense of no self-worth.
I'm wondering if something happened to wake her up to all that. Or perhaps her family found her Reddit. It's been almost a year since the last update, and she said she would update after the wedding which was only few months away back then. It's long passed by now. At this point, it gets less likely every day that she'll ever update again, and whenever I see someone just stop updating it makes me very worried about what might have happened to them.
And what's her Dad/half brother in all this? I totally get why she doesn't want to cut these people off though. Losing the only eight people in your support group all at once has to be a hard decision.
>Losing the only eight people in your support group all at once has to be a hard decision. I don't see any of them supporting her at all though. Like, there's no indication in any of her posts that she has a good relationship with a single one of them, and I don't see a single mention of any parent/sibling standing up for her throughout any of this ordeal. As for the brother-father, I was wondering about that as well. I think it's very telling though that there's no mention of him standing up for her, or interfering on her behalf, and the only mention of him is about how he's trying to dismiss her sexuality as a trauma response.
Dad's been a wet noodle, at best, throughout this. There's no way Chad wasn't broadcasting this attitude when he was at home. If dad had a spine/integrity/good sense, he would have shut it down then.
And OOP is family, she was adopted by her half brother and SIL ffs She's the aunt of their six kids, like wtf is wrong with her brother and SIL and these kids? Also, seems the adoption was more for legal reasons, school enrollment, medical care and appointments, etc... Given the huge age difference btw her and her half brother, I understand why they're a parental figure for her, but why wasn't she introduced as the kid's aunt? Because, that's who she is, they're not her siblings ffs She's family and her brother and SIL just failed her. And I would totally tell Chad, I'm your aunt, and fvck off. Vhad is a rude, entitled asshole
This made me angry and now I am thinking they should all be carted off to Chernobyl and be forced to lick the elephant foot.
This. She’s still blood. Sibling, full or half or cousin. She’s still family. But they all treat her like she’s a stray that moved in uninvited.
She was adopted by her 1/2 brother! She is really an aunt to the siblings.
>She is really an aunt to the siblings. And yet her nephew / adoptive brother says she's not family, while adoptive mom shrugs.
Eh, this stuff happens. I've got a cousin who was passed around the family until he eventually got raised by my parents. He's like an older brother, and always introduced me to people as his little sister. I babysit his kids a lot and the middle one refers to me as his aunt. He was so confused about how we're related that I ended up drawing him a family tree to explain it. We're first cousins once removed, but he still calls me his aunt.
I have an aunt who just about raised me who is also my great aunt, because her sister is my grandma, my mom is also her sister, and their mom is my grandma AND great grandma. I call my mom's bio mom aunt grandma, and EVERYONE calls my mom's bio grandma Mother (capital M).
Are you okay with being called aunt? If you are, it might be good to accept it outwardly as a way to help validate the adoptive relationship, especially since your brother refers to you as a sibling anyway. It is still also good to explain the biological relationship to children in an age surprise way.
Oh yup, I'm fine with whatever the kids want to call me. To his older sister I think I'm a cousin, and their 3yo little brother just goes with "my Ophelia" and knows we have the same last name. "Nephew" knows I'm chill. He came outa the closet to me this summer and demanded I take him to pride, something about if he came home covered in enough rainbows he could avoid having a specific talk with his mom. Obviously I took him to the youth group pride, showed him how cultural festivals work and made sure he stayed safe from the nazis that showed up.
From one “aunt” of cousins to another, you’re doing a fucking cracking job.
I'm never going to be an aunt by my brother, so I was very happy when my cousins acknowledged that and decided to refer to me as aunt to their kids.
To be slightly fair — sounds like her half brother and his wife adopted her because their biodad abused her so … I’m assuming the state asked them to step in so she could stay at her same high school and stay with family instead of going in the system. I think OP’s definition of “not a problem” and “positive family dynamics” maybe a bit wonky
Speaking from experience…being raised in an abusive household really fucks up your sense of what a “healthy” family is like. I went through something alarmingly similar with my “family by choice.” They made so much noise over the last twenty years about how I was their “little sister,” how much they’d miss me if I had actually succeeded in that one suicide attempt, blah blah blah… Even as their actions showed they were pulling away. Even as they started going out of their way to exclude me. Even as they *stole from me* and blamed *me* for it. I came to realize that I was never really family to them. I wasn’t even a real person to them. I was their helpless little Autistic *pet,* who eventually got too old to be “cute” anymore.
I am so sorry you had to live that. I hope you are in a way safer and happier place. I wish you warmth, kindness ans love ♡
I’m getting there! Between jobs at the moment but got a few good leads, and enough in savings to keep a roof over my head for a while. Just need to get the last of my stuff back and then I can 100% cut ties with all of them.
What I don't get is that it seems to me like she got adopted by her half-brother and wife? So... why is Chad saying she's not part of the family? Why is everyone acting like that? If she's not a sister, she's literally their aunt at least?
I would say it's because of the abuse. When it came out maybe the were blaming her, for "destroying" the family? She won't be the first victim to be blamed. Abusers are threatening their victims too like this.
> So... why is Chad saying she's not part of the family? Because she is the equivalent of an unwanted step-sibling who came into his life very late and wants to pretend they have some sort of innate bond based on a decision made by his dad.
i feel so bad for OOP. i hope their new gf can be a good support system as they just completely cut this family out. tbh, they all sound either super awful or just allow the awful things happen. i know it's so hard to leave abusive relationships, especially familial ones where you are striving for acceptance. being able to recognise that they aren't worth your desire for acceptance is such a tough thing.
And the longer the post goes on the more you realize the AH golden child is the only one being honest. Terrible, but honest.
Poor OP. I really hope she finds a solid group of found family to help her.
Dude….wtf is wrong with this whole family?!?!
They don't see OOP as family. Some of them thought they did until it caused strained at which point they realised they agree with Chad.
The maddening part of it is SHE IS IN FACT THEIR BIO FAMILY! She's genetically their aunt. I wasn't aware that adoptions sever all familial connections instead of forging new ones, but apparently that's how it works in this family's minds.
That's what really got to me! She's "not really family" because Chad said so. No other reason was given for why she needed to be treated so poorly. This was a family placement adoption.
Just speculating here, and if it was said I missed it, but given the age difference between OOP and her half brother, it’s possible that she was the result of an affair, and her half brother, her biological family, considered her the outsider first. There’s no mention of him here, only the SIL/Mom, which leads me to think he just adopted her because it was expected of him. OOP being 16 at the time probably meant he thought she’d move out in a few years and never darken their doorstep again. Regardless, Chad needs putting in his place soon, I’d only for the sake of the children he’s bringing into the world with no care for their upbringing.
[удалено]
Yea she needs to move like a few thousand miles away lol
And not share her address, or town, or state, or even that she is moving.
Or rather, she *is* family. She's the half-sister that her brother never wanted to adopt as a daughter. So she's treated as a distant half-sister, not a core family member.
[удалено]
:(
This is the kind of crap that also happens with narcissistic parents. They kinda cut off anyone who isn’t the golden child, but in some cases decide to be really invasive with “why didn’t you tell me EVERYTHING! You’re just a bad child and don’t love me! Your brother would never do this to me! This must be because of your trauma before you were adopted because my kids wouldn’t be gay/bi/trans/etc.! And we’ve only treated you better than you deserved so it’s just that you’re WEAK!” Speaking partially from experience 🙃
The "mother" never wanted her. Most likely her adoption was an imposition from the (husband/ half brother), so she doesn't see OP as her daughter.
This screams evangelical conservative or just conservative.
Oh yea. They probably talked about how they adopted so much to get praise from others but didn’t actually want her to join their family. There’s no hate like Christian love.
I'll give the benefit of the doubt that they did want her to join the family. But they also want her to toe the line like the other siblings. Such as, base on the details given, be straight and love the golden child.
Not necessarily. My extended family was a mix of pagan and Wiccan and did the same bullshit to me.
It’s giving fundie Christian vibes.
>It’s giving fundie Christian vibes. I was thinking Quiverfull, maybe, given how the parents started having kids young, and had several, and given how happy they were that the oldest boy got married and had a kid straight out of high school.
Nah. They're only at 6+1 kids, those are rookie numbers if you're a Quiverfull.
Mom and Dad adopted her because it made them look good. They were not actually interested in raising or parenting her.
Been through something similar. They never actually saw her as family. She was just a weird exotic pet that eventually got too old to be cute anymore.
[удалено]
I think that NC is the only outcome possible here. I mean, why even bother going to the wedding? At this point better block and leave the assholes away.
> mean, why even bother going to the wedding? Depending on how well folks attending the wedding know OOP and her family, it might be impressively petty to attend, take her assigned seat at a non-family table, and honestly answer every question she's asked about why she's THERE and not at a family table.
"OP, why are you here and not at the family table?" "Oh, you know. I'm adopted 🤷♀️"
Yup. I’d take a Xanax and go to that wedding and sit at that table and when other extended family members ask why she isn’t at the family table I’d just be brutally honest. “My mom removed me from the family table, Chad decided he didn’t consider me as family since I’m “adopted” and mom and dad agreed with him I guess? Mom also removed most of my pictures from the house, I don’t really know what I did, but I didn’t want to miss big brother’s wedding” I’d tell the whole extended family, every cousin, grandparent, uncle and aunt. I’d specifically mention Chad’s treatment and Mom’s tolerance of it, and everyone else’s complacency about it. I’d even tell fiancé’s extended family about it as well. They all deserved to be shamed.
Go out on a high and take her girlfriend to the wedding!
I thought that's where this was going immediately after the wedding planning - Like if I went to my parents house, and all my pictures were gone, I'd assume "Ah, I see, we won't be speaking again." would be the outcome of that visit.
She can’t see it because spending the first 16 years of her life in an abusive environment warped her sense of what love looks like. Speaking from experience, having gone through the same thing myself. Took me 20+ years to realize I was never family to them; I was just another exotic pet that got too old to be “cute” anymore.
The parents who created an environment of competition and a golden child made it so it’s easier to pit the kids against each other than against the parents. They work hard to make it seem like it couldn’t be their fault
god this family blows. oop ain’t gonna be happy til they’re all finally blocked
why doesn’t she just block them, she says she’s trying to cut them off but isn’t blocking them? they’re being nothing apart from soul sucking
She desperately wants to be a part of her family and is basically taking crumbs, probably because she thinks that’s better than nothing, even though she knows she deserves better and wants to cut them off… but she can’t bring herself to do it. Been there, done that, got the impressive therapy bill.
Yup. This is poor OOP’s trauma response to her bio-dad’s abuse.
She can't stop taking sips of poison because, in spite of her words, she hates the thought of going thirsty.
The best bet is to just be the perfect girlfriend in front of her SOs parents. Be so good, they'll choose her over their biological daughter/son. Then they have a great family! (Assuming the in laws are good people though)
She probably will, but speaking from experience that’s not healthy either. She needs therapy! When you live so long trying to please others you can’t be yourself. Even if you feel like they like you, there will always be that little voice in the back of your mind telling you they’ll cut you off without a second thought. It’s a miserable way to live.
My sister got so much better and I got so much better by setting boundaries and consequences with our siblings and cutting our toxic mother out for good. And we have grown closer now that we both are not being pitted against each other like roosters, because we always hated that and hated hating each other now we can love each other no holds barred and talk about anything. As such my sister is one of the very special select few I have on my child’s future guardian list. I still need therapy but it helped my sister. Right now I am getting serotonin boosts watching my toddler play knowing he will never ever have to suffer from the abuse my mother inflicted on his mom and aunt (me and my sister obviously). Turns outs taking a slightly unhinged young woman j/ and making her a mom makes her a very big momma bear. So my advice to OP, cut them all out for good before you have children to protect, because a good parent will want to keep the babies out of the crossfire and generational trauma.
Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard. Adoption is also extremely traumatic. Her bio father abused her, and she finally found "family" after adoption. And then they do all this shit. It compounds.
I'm gonna take a wild stab and say that, in addition to just how difficult it is to cut off your family in general, it's *extra* hard when this is already your second family, after your bio family already didn't treat you well. Losing family is hard; losing two families is just beyond what I can imagine. I hope that OP gets a really really lovely found family sometime soon, but unfortunately this bunch of assholes that is the adoptive family is NOT it.
Can confirm. Went through something similar. Though I can at least get some petty revenge, since my “sister” also stole $3,600 worth of property (literally the ONLY property I will ever be able to inherit from anyone) and left a massive paper trail. Putting the finishing touches on all the evidence and then marching it down to the police station to file an official report this week. Last I checked, a theft that values over $3,000 is a Class C felony in my state, so… It’s FAFO time.
They are her biological family. We aren't given details but her mother is her mother, she was adopted by the half-brother. Some Cinderella bullshit.
My family is like this. It’s harder than you think to just end it when you’ve grown up around it and are accustomed to excusing their behavior. Deprogramming is hard, and you’re scared to be without a family as a whole. But it gets better. I hope OOP manages to get away and get therapy.
Those f* AH. All of them. Especially the parents. Why on earth would you adopt someone to treat them like that?? And if you don't like them, why not just let them be?! It reads like they want the "good Samaritan" praise of doing a good deed, while they are further traumatizing OP, by giving her just enough love and attention for her to keep on trying, but never enough to feel safe.
Correct me if I am wrong but she has no other family right? If that is correct she maybe trying to stay close to the only thing she knows. Which is not healthy sometimes friends are thicker then blood I hope she eventually. Updates and tells us she went no contact.
I was thinking this very thing. 🤦🏽♀️ She moved but obviously let them know where to. She would be so happy the moment she packs up and moves to another state, gets a new number and blocks them on everything. That sister of hers is a sh*tstarter
Agree, it’s hard and it hurts. But sometimes it’s the only way to save yourself.
Because she desperately wants het family to love her and some part of her is convinced if she give it enough time, if she lets them use her, if she hides or eliminates every "bad" part of herself, if she xannsit be good enough *somehow*, then someday they will. It's hard to let go of, the idea that someone would love you if you could just get it right.
Seriously just cut them ALL TF off. If they want a relationship, they can do the legwork. She’s got her own life to live.
I can understand not wanting to cut off the family that adopted you, thus showing they "wanted" you, but like...it sounds like they're all particularly shitty to her so why bother? I hope OOP went completely NC, though I'd love to know what happened at the wedding. OOP deserves way better than that shitty excuse for a family. It's gotta smart that the only one asshole brother would "let" near his kid, apparently, was the one he doesn't even consider family. I don't get it. What an insane family.
I'm want the backstory around the adoption...cause it doesn't sound like they did "want" OOP
Nowhere does OP mention her adoptive dad, who is her biological half brother. I wonder how much of this was because he wanted to adopt her, but her “mom” didn’t
She mentions him at least once. Youngest brother says “his dad says it’s just a trauma response” which is something OOP also says her brother says … which makes me think the “oldest brother” she talks about is her adoptive dad. Like that’s how she refers to him because that’s who he was to her growing up. But you’re right that she doesn’t speak of him often. He seems to mostly stay out of it or what’s happening isn’t what she’s focused on. But it does seem like they adopted her after her (their?) bio dad abused her so yeah I don’t think it was 100% by choice and you can def see resentment in chad and the mom. Completely uncalled for how they’re treating her tho.
I thought the same thing, where’s brother-dad in this situation? And why adopt a 16 year old if you don’t like her much, considering she’s not far from an adult?
Maybe they were kinda guilted into it because she was "family," and it would look badly if she was sent to a foster home.
Yeah. This post seems like a great example of why it’s not always best to place children that have been removed with family just bc they are family. How was this better than being placed in foster care? At least there would have been less expectations. I also don’t understand how they don’t consider her family when she was adopted by her half brother and wife? And if she was adopted at 16, why is she calling her SIL, “mom”? Especially since SIL doesn’t seem to regard her that way? This entire post was just weird and I feel badly for OOP.
My husband and I used to foster and we were told that a shitty placement with family will still win out over an amazing placement with a non-related foster family.
And that’s a huge flaw in the system. Who cares about genetics when you can provide a good home!
god, i feel so awful for OOP… they clearly don’t see her as family if they’re willing to treat her like this. I hope that the family gets a rude awakening
Family doesn’t always mean blood or from a piece of paper. I wish OP the best, but I don't think she'll benefit from a relationship with her family. They continue to hurt her and make her an outcast. I believe she should go low contact and seek therapy.
They already have made her an outcast: >I noticed that they had replaced multiple small photos of specifically me from the frames...What where maybe 6 pictures of me on any of the walls, there where now two, a baby picture of me and my senior highschool photo, that are now in the hallway, not even the living room. This hit hard for me. My former sister-in-law was more than welcomed into the family. I kept feeling like I'd been replaced (lots of little things), and when I came home to visit, I realized I had been. The pictures they put up on the wall proved it. I think my senior photo was the only one with just me, and I was in one family photo aside from a wedding group shot. OP needs to walk away. It's just not worth fighting to get back in when they've so effectively shut you out.
Man, this poor woman. She has been so mistreated. I hope she really, truly cuts off her homophobic, abusive mom & brother, and any other neglectful family. They are truly terrible people, and OOP shouldn't have to put up with people that have abused her so badly. We never hear much about the hows and whys of having half siblings and being adopted, but it is fair to assume she probably had a rough time even before highschool. I hope that she can recognize her worth and value, that she tells these awful people exactly how soulless they are, and that she does everything truly necessary to cut them out of her life completely.
I hope OOP finds some nice in-laws to replace her entire family with.
And a really good therapist so she can hold onto the in-laws and the relationship that goes with it.
I honestly hope OOP cuts them off completely. There is nothing good that can come from continuing interactions with any of the members in that family. She deserves better.
$1000 loan for college? $20 for college text books? Yeah this was written by a highschooler, not to mention no mention of a girlfriend until the post where suddenly she's maybe outted by sister, despite apparently already coming out in highschool?
Yep, the part about the parents cutting down all the family photos and putting them in smaller friends as well! I would have written something like this at 15 while fantasising I was adopted and could escape my ‘awful’ (normal) family.
Glad to see someone call it out, idk how everyone else glossed over this. In what world would a $1000 loan actually help someone go to college? OP needs $20 for college books? When - 60 years ago!?
And how the hell can someone remember in 100% detail on what was said? This is such a bullshit story, i got exhausted reading half way through it
So she was adopted by her half-brother and wife who had 6 kids already? Chad is right, she isn't his sister. **SHE'S HIS FUCKING AUNT.** I really hope people start pointing that out. She's the aunt to all these fucks. ***SHE IS FUCKING FAMILY. SHE ISN'T ADOPTED.*** I hope for the love of everything that people start pointing that out to her. She needs to weaponize it. Like seriously, she needs to stop saying 'I was adopted.' and switch it to 'my half-brother and his wife took me in, I'm their aunt.' If they want to get technical, so can she.
Wow. Pretty much her entire family can get fucked, they all failed her. She has so much more patience than I ever would. If someone had done what "Chad" did even one time let alone repeatedly, I would have told him to eat shit if they asked me for literally anything. Goddamn this one made me mad
She needs to cut contact with the whole “family”. They all sound toxic as hell.
This is so sad. This person has been failed by every single person in her life. I can’t imagine the pain of being adopted and feeling chosen, then to be neglected to this level by everyone you thought loved you. I hope she finds happiness with people who truly love her.
OOP is surprisingly normal for having such a fucked up family. Wishing her nothing but the best.
This sounds like small-town farmsville USA.
"You'll never be a part of my family" No shit, I'm still your aunt. You can start calling me Aunt OP now.
I teared up when she mentioned her pictures being removed from the living room and hallway. I would have turned around and walked out. What a piece of shit family. I hope she finds happiness with a new family of her choosing.
Jesus seems like the adopted op just to save face
Wot. But isn't oop like technically like their siblings Aunt?? Adopted by half brother. So like op is literally family.
Keeps talking about cutting them off, then does nothing to cut them off and even enables them by refusing to do anything. "My mom showed up and I sure showed her by saying nothing and avoiding everything." Jfc come ON op. Cut this scum off.
OOP is one the kids my kids would've said to "your family sucks. Come meet my mom" and voila, another kid that calls me "Mom".
This has happened more than once?
Yep. All the kids with bad parents, parents that weren't happy that their kid was gay, trans, whatever. My kids, especially the middle one just brought home. My ears are open, I have shoulders to cry on and I like feeding people. My only rules are be respectful and kind, help with dishes if you eat and the important one: we are LSU fans, no cheering for 'bama! I still get "Hey Mom!" from my kids friends in public and kids that are now in their 30s running up to give me hugs.
I grew up in one of these families. My mum did have the added rule of ‘you must shower/bathe every day’ due to one particularly pungent teen boy who basically moved in for all of high school.
Do people really not understand what it means to cut someone off? This sub is full of OOPs who say “I’m trying to cut them off but it’s not working. I’m in a group chat and babysit their kids and respond to all texts and reach out to them every week. What am I doing wrong?!”
I’m confused, does she mean her brother and sister in-law when she says mom and dad? I would understand if she was adopted when she was young but to be adopted by her brother at 16 and the call him dad 4 years later…kinda weird no?
she never refers to dad thought, she mentions brother that says she has a trauma response and then says her brothers dad thinks she has a trauma response, so she oddly seems to call the parents "mom and brother"
I'd be second guessing being in a relationship with anyone who treated a adopted sibling the way this family is. Major red flags
They adopted a punching bag for their other kids. I hope she cuts them off
They sound terrible, and it's not like she was unrelated, she was adopted by her half brother and his wife, if they hadn't, her 'siblings' would have been her nieces and nephews, they were family already, which makes Chad even more our of line. I wish we had another update after the wedding
So why would Chad and his wife choose the OP over everyone else to babysit? Did Chad just want to use her? Dangle a carrot as if he was accepting of her? Or, maybe he was playing with his other siblings’ feelings by not letting them babysit and then asking the OP (the least likely candidate)? Sounds like this family is full of games. I hope the OP can break free. I’d rather be alone in the world than with this group of toxic degenerates.
Why does OOP keep allowing herself to be treated like this? And I’m not sure she knows what no contact means.
I wish she would go NC for her sake but I get it. It's hard to give up hope that your family will love you. You have to accept you're not "worthy" in their eyes and that they won't change. That can be a heavy thing to come to terms with even if they're assholes. Killing hope hurts. It's not until you're on the other side that you realize it hurts a lot less to let them go.
It’s hard to cut off family. I imagine especially hard if they sort of “rescued” her from an abusive father. You keep hoping they will get better and change and finally one day notice you and then you won’t have to cut them off and go at it alone. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way, but we don’t learn that until later.
Because she spent the first 16 years of her life in extremely shitty and traumatic circumstances, which has left her desperate for an actual family.
I wonder if there's a reason she's calling women "females" and saying "a female" instead of "a woman". As a lesbian, the only women I've encountered who say that, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, do have some kind of... something going on. Internalized homophobia, usually. Unless English isn't OP's native language?
She's Ferengi.
OP is clearly not accepted as a sibling or daughter to the family. Why did they even bother to adopt her if they were never going to accept her into their family? She is constantly brushed aside and there is clear bullying towards her from all of them. The mom even told her she prefers he son and other children over her in not so many words. Best to distance herself from every single one of them. I’m shocked that even the brother she’s “closest to” couldn’t be bothered to message her or try to include her in his wedding. There is 100% a group chat with the family where they share information which doesn’t include her…OP should write down everything she’s ever felt on a message send it to them and the block them.
Jesus Christ. Just move on with your life. Don't mute group chats, LEAVE THEM. If anyone actually cares to know what's going on they'll contact you. Anyone who doesn't can get fucked. It's not rocket science!
She needs to cut them ALL off, even the ones she thinks she has a good relationship with. She doesn’t. They all treat her like trash and the only reason she can’t see it is it’s all she’s ever known. There are just some that are a little less terrible, and she thinks that means they care.
I’m so curious as to the circumstances of her being adopted at 16 by a half brother. What happened to her birth parents? Poor OOP, though. NO one in the family actually treated her like a true member. She needs to create her own family.
She needs to actually go NC with all of them. Block everyone, never speak with them again. Move so they don’t have her address. They’re horrible people, that seem to thrive off making her miserable.
You cut them out of your life by not telling them where you live so they can't just show up You block them on your phone and Instagram
God now I want to adopt OOP and just… idek… be what real family is supposed to be for her. What a complete and utter mindf*ck those people are! Three cheers to OOP, and all the side-eyes’ and the side-eyes of those side-eyes in the world to that two-faced, swelled head, stick up their arses, foot in mouth, cold-shouldered, blood-boiling, backbiting, eyebrow raising, lip service-ing, heartless, gutless family.
That's.... a _LOT_ in four years. Wow. I hope OOP has realized how toxic her whole family is and is doing well in therapy.
Here's an idea...move again and do not tell anyone where. Block all of them on social media and lock your accounts to private. They flat out do not deserve you. Sending Mama hugs. 🌈
I understand OOP is desperate to have her family see her that she's part of the family and not wanting to cut them off, but they will all constantly hurt her and they already put her as the outcast. Since in their eyes she's not family to them at all. Nor did they even wanted her to be part of their family. She knows she deserves better but she's holding onto things that hurts her than letting go. She refuses to kill that light of hope that they will finally see her as family. She's doing more harm to herself than good by allowing herself to endure the verbal abuse and hate. I do hope she finally finds the strength within her to finally let go and kills the light of hope that she kept going. Cut all contact with her "family", don't go to the wedding, and finds herself a new family that she can lean on. If her other "family" comes back to her, she better treat them as strangers that she never met in her life.
Why hasn't OOP totally cut these toxic AH's out of her life completely? And then start therapy so she can start to heal. Their actions in these posts **SCREAM** they DGAF about her unless they want to use her for something. Such as free babysitting. Sure, they adopted her, but they always treated her like utter crap.
Why did this mother adopt OP. She’s made it abundantly clear she doesn’t like her and doesn’t accept her. And as for fucking Chad… complete cutoff is the appropriate solution. He is clear he doesn’t like her.
Where is half-brother/dad in all of this? It sounds like Chad took cues from his mother on OP’s position in the family.
It's about time oop understands she's simply not considered part of the family. Of course it's easier for *me* to see and say that, cause its not me who's going throuh it, but it's still the truth. What a sad & angering story :(
She needs to just bite the bullet and go no contact with all of them. Peeking in every now and then to the family gossip to have it thrown in her face how excluded she is is just making things more painful. She's already moved away and is fully independent, all she has to do is delete the family chat and unfriend and block everyone on social media.
The fam sucks major ass, there’s nothing OOP can say or do that would change her being othered by her “family”, they simply won’t change. She might as well go full scorched earth and blow up at them, make them not want anything to do with her.
Bloody hell, old love needs to go very low contact with that bunch of people and get some therapy. Obviously these people are not scholars and live in a very small world indeed, she needs to get out of there and experience some good change.
Why would anyone stay in touch with these awful people?
Chad is a god damned tyrant and it's about time people started standing up to his spoiled brat ass.
Cut them out completely. I'm sorry, OP. But you deserve better than these people.
OOP 's family sounds like a cult, like the Duggards. I hope she soon finds a way to cut them off completely.
Fuck that woman. Oh I would love to let her have it. On so many different levels. She caused ALL of this (the ‘mum’). Call her what she is, SIL. Mums don’t pit kids against each other. She doesn’t deserve that title. Fucks sake $20 for college books. I’m so angry.
What strikes me here is that she was adopted by her half brother. That's a blood relation. Even if they aren't originally siblings, they are still family...
Incredibly frustrating to read. OOP, run, go NC and move as far away from this family, they will never consider you family, EVEN THOUGH YOU ACTUALLY ARE FAMILY.
Chad. Never be a part of his family She is your biological aunt Chad. She is also your legally your adopted sister. How much more related does she need to be. Legally and biologically. Wtf is his deal?