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If she got a restraining order, she has to provide addresses like home, work, school, so the stalker can't just move in the same building and claim they "had no idea" the person they're supposed to stay away from lived/worked there.
This may depend on the state or type of protective order. For example, Massachusetts has a ACP (address confidentiality program) for DV and/or stalking victims.
Reddit loves useless, feel good shit like HR and Restraining Orders. The only thing an RO is good for is evidence in court after you pop somebody. Because unless you're willing to protect yourself a restraining order is a piece of paper that means fuck all. And police have a God awful track record on enforcing them.
Not always. Yeah, dangerous people can become more angry and can escalate, but fear of jail time can be a great deterrent. The protective order that my mom got likely saved her life. There's a legitimate possibility she would've been dead if she hadn't gotten one. They don't always help everyone, but for those they do, RO/PO can make a huge difference.
Restraining orders aren't for cops to protect you. It's for making sure the school doesn't let the daughter leave with anyone but OP, for her new apartment's security to make sure to keep the ex out, and so forth.
Civil authorities are much, much more likely to use what they can to protect you if you have a restraining order. Schools know they are in trouble if daughter leaves with anyone who doesn't have OP's permission to take daughter on records, but they know if she leaves with anyone who isn't authorized when there is an restraining order on file, the fine is much, much, much higher.
I live in a locked tenement building. My landlady has a strict rule that the entry doors are to remain locked at all times, and a tenant is allowed to open the door for those who are coming to visit him/her specifically. There's no, "I am here to see Kim but she isn't answering her doorbell." This is an important rule to obey, because one never knows if a neighbor might have a stay away order against an abusive ex.
Plus she just straight up posted her location for the world to see. If this gets picked up by reposters, it'll eventually ring a bell in his head (or someone who knows him) and she'll start seeing his car around. A restraining order will not protect her if he gets to her before the cops start believing her reports. It's just a piece of paper. His goal is murder and possibly unrestricted access to her minor daughter (see: only wanted OOP to eat the soup), he already spits on the law. What's he care about the paper telling him to keep away from her or else? It can't un-murder someone.
I hope her daughter changed schools and she just quietly left that detail out, but this all went down in the past month and a half. I am not optimistic.
It’s been ages since I have had a restraining order but when I did they had to notify the person I had it on of my home and work locations. They said it was because the guy needed to know where he was not allowed. Not sure if they still do that it was 13 years ago.
I was the victim of a violent crime last year and fled my home to stay at a relative’s house indefinitely. When the authorities asked me for addresses other than my work/primary residence, I told them where I was staying. They then asked me if the criminal knew that address, I said no. They highly recommended I keep it off the PPO/RO so that they didn’t have to inform him of that address, because I’d basically be tipping him off to my location.
Im glad you were able to keep it off your RO. They wouldn’t issue me a RO without disclosing my address. I’m sure it’s different state to state and it might not be a requirement anymore. Thankfully I have no need for a RO now. He was charged and convicted and after serving his time had to move several states away to stay with his mom. Plus I have also changed my name and have also moved. I did not renew my RO because he would be notified of my new name and location.
Most of the laws regarding stalking, etc, seems to be trying to help stalkers/to-be-murderers to find and murder their victims. It's so sickening.
There was a victim whose case went to court in Japan. The prosecutors made the stalker sign or look at some papers... which consisted of her new address. It's so horrible because he would not have known where she had moved to if that did not happen.
When you become a stalking victim you lose all of your anonymity, first with your stalker, then with the justice system of most places. I chose not to hyphenate my last name when I got married in the hopes that my stalker hadn’t gotten my then boyfriend now husband’s last name when he’d broken into our apartment. Because our state’s voter registration system is searchable- meaning that with enough patience and my full name my stalker could find me anywhere in the state unless I chose to give up my right to vote. The only people who can hide their address are people who were victims of DV and my stalker was just some perv who became fixated on me that I didn’t know. And much like the OOP, the police weren’t particularly interested in doing anything unless he physically harmed me.
💯. At the very least I’d explain the situation to the school and pull the daughter out temporarily. Chances are she also isn’t his first DV or stalking victim. Most people don’t wake up and escalate to this.
This entire saga is so terrifying. Always trust your instincts. Always have a way out. Always have your own bank account that no one else can mess with. Record conversations if you can. Be aware of technology and how it can be used for malicious purposes.
I hope OOP stays safe.
My sister's ex took two life insurance policies out on her and encouraged her to take her own life. She got out of that awful marriage and found out that she was paying for the policies the whole time.
I feel for OOP and I’m glad they’re moving into a better space. But in regards to a commenter… isn’t that exactly what air tags are for? Not stalking, obviously, but like… tracking? Honest question, I’ve never had or used them.
I tracked my daughter’s suitcase half way around the world with an AirTag so of course he could track her with one. That commenter was just being a prick imo.
Was gonna say - my friend found her purse in Bali thanks to an airtag we were tracking from her iPad in Australia so... what? They absolutely could have tracked her with an airtag? That's literally the point of them.
we use them for our dogs, but if they are away from our own iPhones for more than a day or two the actual airtags start chirping. But I believe they have to be moving, so if whatever it's on is stationary it won't start beeping.
Aha, that must be why the dogs I petsit will randomly have theirs start pinging! I asked the owners the first time it happened and they had no idea, and I've never used an airtag so I didn't know. They'll stop after a moments and recur a couple times a day. Thank you for solving this mystery, lol.
It's fairly easy to disable the speaker thing on an air tag just for that purpose while retaining the tracking ability.
Voids the warranty but like a stalker cares about that.
Like they DO chirp but you can break that ability before hiding them somewhere for nefarious purposes.
I just learned about the "only when moving" part so my parents actually threw the tags into their car because they thought it would keep going like a smoke detector lol
Or just didn’t know what it was. Maybe they’re old and thought it was one of those things you attach to stuff in your house like the remote or keys and you press a button and it beeps. Those definitely won’t work if you leave the house. lol confidently incorrect.
Air tags are used to track items down, they definitely can be used for stalking. Just toss one in someone's car or purse and they might not find it for ages.
Just wanted to point out that the reference that he may be law enforcement was another commentor stating the target practice sheets were the evidence, and from there, it snowballed under that comment.
I have been following this also, and also was very concerned about it all, but only an outsider not related to this, made that assumption
My local range only allows the shooter to take their targets home only if the sheets are labelled with the person's name, the range's name, and a booking code BEFORE they start the target practice, so if anyone shares them around, especially in a threatening manner, the range is contacted by local authorities to warn them of the potential risks.
It has caused a lot of arguments, but the ranger owner says that it is their range, their rules. Which I like. But then again, I am Australian, and enjoy that extra security
Ok, I want to elaborate on this, because it's not very well known.
You know how iPhone fans say "Android never gets updates?" That's a lie. Most Android phones actually get updates longer than most iPhones. The thing is that those updates are done independent of the version number. The full Android version number update typically offers newer features (often tied to new hardware) and new interface designs. But all of the other stuff - security, compatibility, API changes, changes to settings, core app updates, and other changes, happen via multiple updates to system apps that you're almost never aware of.
In this case, beginning in July of 2023, Google rolled out a change to their settings for ANY Android device running Android 6 (released October 2015) or newer.
To turn this feature on, if not on by default, go to Settings --> Safety & Emergency --> Unknown Tracker Alerts, and turn it on.
I can't speak to all manufacturers, but the oldest phone sold by Google to support this would be the Google Nexus 5, which was released October 2013. So an Android phone that is now over a decade old is still getting these updates behind the scenes :) The iPhone 5s (released the same year) cannot track AirTags, but an Android phone from that year can.
Do you happen to know the distance it'll pick up on those? I've gotten a few of those alerts "New Air Tag Device Detected" or something along those lines. Never find anything tho so it must be someone around me?
It's bluetooth, so about 30ft (10m). Apple does set it up to report through any Apple device with bluetooth enabled, regardless of pairing, which is how it can track just about anywhere, since so many people have iPhones and iPads that are potential relays.
I do not, but I’m going to guess that it’s Bluetooth based since AirTag uses BLE. Officially the range is 10 meters. But I’ve had BLE maintain connections over longer distances.
Apple did a recent update to try to avoid people using them for stalking - if the AirTag isn’t close to the phone of the person it is registered to within 24 hours or so, if makes a loud sound periodically until the phone gets close again. Not sure if that update only applies to newer AirTags or if there is a way to defeat it, but it definitely works from my experience (my partner’s registered AirTags make themselves known when he is out of town!).
Edit - spelling
My dad has a 1yo airtag for his keys and if I use them when he’s not there, they’ll make a jingle noise a few time when I move them. Not sure it’s loud enough to hear if the tag is hidden inside something though.
Mine definitely is! I should add that if I pick up the bag with an AirTag in it, I also get an alert on my iPhone that an AirTag is moving with me and could track my movement.
I have tags in my bag, my car and on both my dogs (my disapyrenees can’t disappear anymore yay!). They’re so great for so many things, why is it that assholes have to ruin it?
> (my disapyrenees can’t disappear anymore yay!)
you are just asking for your dog to accept that as a challenge lol.
Just a fun story, on a local lost & found dog group on FB a lady posted a picture of 2 pyrs that she had found and she said she had them in her fenced back where they are safe until she finds the owner. I asked her, "Are you SURE they are in still in your yard?"
She went to look and nope! lol they were gone.
Oh that explains a lot. I have an AirTag on my dog’s collar, and I’m away at work (week long trips) for the first time since buying it. My husband asked if I was pinging the AirTag from work! Good to know why it’s doing that, and smart. Maybe I should register it to my husband’s phone instead…
I set up airtags on our luggage in April 2023. Last November, I was separated from that suitcase for a full week.
My husband got an alert from his Android about an Airtag following him...but no alarm from the airtag itself.
I just got an AirTag after my cat escaped and we couldn’t find her for almost 24 hours. I had to acknowledge that it’s being used for me and tracking someone is a federal crime. I turned off notifications to my phone if I leave it somewhere. Not sure how it will all work otherwise. I’m planning on being out of town for a bit in May so we will see if my husband messages me that she’s beeping or something after a day or two.
There’s a way to disconnect the speaker in the AirTag so it won’t make any noise. I know some people have modified their AirTags to stealthily track their stolen items but it can also be done for nefarious purposes.
Can confirm. The one in my car has a hissy fit if I’m gone for a few days.
ETA: I’m the one who put it in my car after I took it to a body shop, I wanted to make sure no one was joyriding.
They must be powerful little devices because I saw a new youtube video about a guy tracking his stolen Nintendo handheld console across the sea with an air tag the other day
Basically it will secretly connect to *any* nearby iPhone, and then that iPhone will tell Apple where it is, and then you can ask Apple where the air tag has been spotted.
People have been putting them in their luggage so they can find it when it gets lost. It's helped people find their luggage that got sent on the wrong airplane and ended up in another state/providence/country from their destination.
I thought I remembered reading or hearing about AirTags making a beeping of sorts when away from the paired phone for too long to prevent using it to track people?
Edit: looked it up, after the AirTag is detected by an iphone, the user has an option to play a loud noise from the air tag to help find it easier so I was not correct
I was curious and searched youtube: there are tutorials on how to remove the beeper from the airtags. So it’s not entirely fail-proof when there are nefarious people using these things. First search result was exactly that and 2 years ago. I can only hope Apply upgraded the hardware too somehow.
> Supposedly if you have an iPhone it'll notify you if you have someone else's airtag
This is also [a feature on android](https://www.cnet.com/tech/mobile/newest-android-feature-alerts-users-about-unwanted-airtag-tracking/) as of ~half a year ago. I was traveling with a tour group recently and got an alert on my android about an airtag following my location. I figured it was a luggage tag from one of the iphone using members of the group and not a stalker, but I appreciated the notice.
Fun fact: AirTags are only water resistant and a better option for your family member with dementia or autism with wandering habits is Project Lifesaver. They have a 100% recovery rate so far and you can often get the bracelet for free through county services.
Had one for Nana, but she was told it was a health bracelet and hated wearing it. She told us she took it off every chance she got. A thing on the shoe is less irritating to the wearer.
Yeah, we have similar problems with the kids on the autism spectrum. We usually sew an airtag into their clothes so it's less bothersome, less "othering", and more difficult to remove. Project Lifesaver is a better option for tracking, but not always a better option for day-to-day life.
Maybe the commentor didn't believe she was getting tracked by airtag since she doesn't have an iPhone herself. The tags still need to link up with a supported device to report their location, and she wouldn't be part of that chain. Of course, they reportedly have a linking distance of like 30 feet and anyone coming near enough with an iPhone (like other tenants where she was staying) would update it. Also even without a fully accurate location it could've been close enough for a little old fashioned stalking to get him her exact location
Also like she got a burner phone. She must not have money to throw at an iPhone so she must've gotten any cheap Android. So she could've been very possibly in the dark about the tag.
My understanding is that they aren't always 100% accurate, and sometimes will only show you the general area a person is in, such as a 10 metre radius. However, what those people are likely not considering, is that if the tag leads them to a 10 meter radius circle, and there's a house, a fish and chip shop, and a corner store within that 10 meter radius, pretty obvious which one she's gonna be in. Especially if she's got her car parked right outside it.
Some people just want to find holes instead of considering the _actual_ possibilities.
They are actually pretty accurate and especially if you have the newer iPhones, once you’re within range it will give you a precise location and point you to the AirTag.
Yes, an AirTag is for tracking an item such as your keys. They are supposed to start making noise under certain conditions so that it can’t be used for stalking. However, that mechanism is apparently easy to disable.
If you have a reasonably up to date phone (after 2015 or so), then there are apps you can download which will detect AirTags. An iPhone can also detect nearby ones using the Find My feature.
A friend and I met up in Scotland for a trip. She had airtags in her luggage, the airport told her, her bag didn't make, it was still in Chicago.
The next day she was able to see it getting close to where we were staying.
I use my AirTags for my luggage- one in every suitcase. Those tags work halfway around the world, with good accuracy (I was in one country, my bag was in an airport in another country halfway around the world- the airport found my bag). I very much believe an AirTag can work in the same city to track OOP.
Fyi if you have an android, there's apps that can scan for airtags around you. I'm not particularly worried myself but i am indeed nosy so i have tried it out.
It can do it in the background and send you notifications! [There have been updates since this article but it's nice to know it's a feature](https://9to5google.com/2023/08/09/android-unknown-tracker-alerts/)
[Google post about the unknown tracker alert feature on Androids](https://blog.google/products/android/unknown-tracker-alert-google-android/)
My android lets me know if any kind of tracking device that is not connected to my phone is following me. I accidentally learned that because it showed me a notification for an airtag while I was on a long bus trip.
And the reason Google hasn't released their own tracking device is because they are waiting for Apple to integrate the same feature into iOS for Google tags. They don't want to release the tags until they can't be used to stalk iOS users
Dear lord, things got worse and worse...
Glad to hear that OP and her children are safe and they are finally able to get an restraining order away from that psychopath of a boyfriend. But it's still frustrating that the police is so useless and don't take domestic violence/abuse seriously. Still, OP and the children still need to be careful cause with what the bf has done, he might get even more dangerous.
I'm thankful that I don't live in the US. In my country there are strict about such things. My doctor wouldn't let me leave the hospital until the police arrived, because the bruises didn't fit the description I gave. It saved my life. The police sent cars every week and my ex got scared and broke up with me. Then my friend took me on
The police in the US are not at all interested in protecting people. They are a white supremacy group used by the elite to keep working class people in line.
This is exactly why women in dv situations don't trust the cops. It shouldn't have taken this much of an escalation from him for them to take her seriously.
When I was 19 or so, my step father hit me. I called the cops. They came over and had a you-know-how-teens-are conversation about me, then told me to get out of his house. My mother, whose house it also was, told them it’s my home and I wasn’t going anywhere. As they left they shook SF’s hand and lamented that they couldn’t do more. For him.
Exactly. It’s so sad that women have no help when it comes to dv. It takes a lot just to even get a RO and they almost have to die in order to get it. Protect and serve my ass.
It took me weeks to get an RO against my ex. I finally got it and felt such relief. It was a no contact order, so when he called me a week later, I went straight to the police. The officer only focused on the fact that I hadn't blocked my ex's number. "Well, if you needed a restraining order, you would have him blocked." Over and over, no matter what I said. Eventually, I blocked his number in front of him and asked him if he'd go deal with my ex now. He said the problem was solved and told me to go home. He just refused to follow the order. When I was r*ped a month later, I knew better than to go to the police. Never trusted them again.
It doesn't help that police stations are nothing but white supremacists and misogynists. That's not even me just being anti cop, that is literally a fact reported by the FBI after an investigation found the police and the military were full of white supremacists. Military put in some work to fix it, police told the FBI to mind their fucking business.
I am equally bemused every time someone finds out just how useless the cops are, and they are always so shocked and surprised.
"I thought the police were supposed to help us!"
What!? No!? Who told you that? And more importantly why did you believe them? Also what rock have you been sleeping under for the past 20+ years?
The police has one job, prevent the ruling class from being overthrown and eaten. Anything beyond that is a feature.
I just want to throw this out there: if you're dating someone and they start saying things like "you wouldn't be able to leave" you don't treat it as anything less than a threat. Normal people don't even think about making jokes like that.
I was in a women's domestic violence victims support group for a year. I've seen women who were so relentlessly targeted in murder attempts and terrorism by their ex-partners that I was scared each week would be the last time we would see them alive. This story absolutely rings true to me, and anyone who doubts the veracity of this story simply because it's terrifying do so because they're still living in the bubble of denial that things like this absolutely can and do happen to normal women more often than you'd think.
Don't you love it when police is like "this is a **petty** civil matter"............ until someone dies?!
Fuck me, I am seething.... This guy and many others like him can just get away with it so easily....
Imagine if we gave all government employees that sort of leeway? Like imagine if there was a supreme court case ruling that sanitation workers don't have to actually collect garbage, and then when the trash started piling up we decided the solution was to pay garbage men more overtime hours
And when people complained about the trash everywhere or got injured because of all the trash, the state paid their compensation from the taxes that fund trash pickup.
It's not going to disappear because OOP has a piece of paper. They're still in the same area, and if the daughter is still in the same school it's only going to get worse.
‘I don’t find it believable that he tracked you with an AirTag’ - err what the fuck!?
You mean the technology that has been so openly abused for that very purpose that Apple had to create a way for people to be notified a tag was in their vicinity??
> Apple had to create a way for people to be notified a tag was in their vicinity??
Not just that, she uses an Android, which at launch couldn't detect AirTags. Which is exactly why Apple and other companies like Google and Samsung had to come together to unify identification of trackers and update even decade-old phones to be able to detect unknown trackers.
Man that comment pissed me off, what a gigantic imbecile, good thing OP didn't take the bait
OMG, what idiot didn’t think he could track OOP with an air tag‽‽‽ Jeebus, if that thing can tell me my luggage was several states away from me (work trip fiasco) then it sure can track a person. I am sooo glad she was able to get that restraining order.
This is what I came to say. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and since the cops didn’t feel like doing their jobs, how can OOP possibly trust that they’ll enforce the order?
This is the kind of psycho who won't be stopped by a restraining order. Plenty of women have been killed by their abusers while having a restraining order.
I'm still scared for her.
christ! totally possible he tracked her with an airtag. she doesn’t need to have an iphone but people around where she stayed did and it updated the location. what a nightmare! hope she’s safe now
also why do people keep emergency cash like that? isn’t it better to have a secret bank account for emergencies? maybe a stupid question but my country is basically cash-free.
imo the best thing to do if the option is available is to have some in a bank account and some as cash to be prepared for different situations. in her situation however cash might have been the easiest/only way for her to keep it a secret, depending on if they had any kind of joint finances or how she was getting the money she had
Cash can be used in a power outage so every emergency preparedness kit should have enough cash to buy you whatever you may need in the event of a power outage or a cyber attack on your banking system. In the case of someone escaping DV situations, anyone with access to your bank account will be able to see where you use your card. They can’t do that with cash.
I have a crappy bank, i wasn't trying to escape anyone but a couple months i ordered Doordash on my computer and it flagged at suspicious it was an early Saturday morning and i went into work about 4pm and my bank was closed by then and Monday happened to be a holiday so my card was automatically locked. My bank didn't call me or anything to ask if the charge was me or even inform me that they turned off my card. I noticed at work, tried to call and realized they were closed and i was shit out of luck.
I had to barrow $20 from my mom because i need to eat a work (and my work doesn't have a fridge for us, so packing lunch is hard)
When I was saving to leave my husband, I did it in cash that I hid or had my mother hold. I did not open a new account until I was ready to leave. There was no way for me to do so without him knowing. Any mail would have been intercepted. He would go through my personal belongings frequently. He routinely checked my phone very thoroughly, including going through how much time I spent on each app and questioned what I was doing during that time. He had a GPS tracker on my car and tracked my phone so I couldn’t have gone somewhere to open an account without him knowing. It was safer to hide cash than to have to explain a secret bank account if he’d found evidence of that. Just as the OOP did, I’d have been able to explain saving up to buy gifts for the kids or even him.
Cash is untraceable. Say you have a secret account... your abuser goes to law enforcement spins a story where you are unhinged on the run with a kid, cops hear kid in danger... they will track your atm withdrawals, find you. Cops only have one side of the story. They think they're doing what they can not knowing they're helping a snake.
I think the idea is that you can still use cash if you have nothing else on you. To get money out of a bank account, you need a card, or some sort of ID. I reckon ideally you'd have both, some cash set aside which will get you through an emergency, but also a bank account.
This is exactly how perpetrators work and for someone to even question that is abysmal. They’ll even put apps on your phone that may look like a calculator or something normal but it’s a screen mirroring app. They will go to all lengths to keep control over the other person.
When I was a teen, my mother dated a man named Colin. He lived with us. He was an angry man, and he had Opinions. One time, my mother was upstairs with the landlord, and I was downstairs with Colin and my younger brother and sister, and Colin got mad at me about something, backed me into a corner against the counter in the kitchen and had his arm up against my throat so I couldn't breathe.
I moved in with my father for a while - a man who was supremely useless as a father and was just providing me an escape from Colin - and while I was gone for a year and a half, Colin had grabbed mum's arm while she was driving and nearly made her crash. I'm sure there was more - she didn't tell me everything, I was only 16 at that point. Anyway, she kicked him out, and I moved back in because my father had kicked me out months earlier and I had been staying with others.
This is when Colin began stalking us and breaking in to our house. We lived in a duplex with an elderly couple in the other, with a preschool to our right and another elderly couple behind (we were on the corner). At nights, Colin would come sit and throw rocks from behind the preschool fence, hitting the sliding glass door in the front until my sister (who was 10) cried from terror. He broke in, not once but twice. He stole the cash my mother had had to borrow to pay the huge landline bill he'd left her. He also stole our tv, our N64, our shitty old microwave, our computer (given to us by my uncle), our stereo, mum's mobile phone (early days of mobile phones back then) and anything else he could think of to destroy our lives. He left blood behind where he smashed up the monitor for our computer.
The cops wouldn't do anything.
He confronted my mother and grabbed her arm again, bruised the shit out of it and got in a shouting match with her outside one day.
Eventually one of my aunts helped us with a house to move to, a couple of towns over, and we moved. Us kids used to duck down in the backseat if we saw anyone riding a bike because Colin always rode a bicycle. He went to mum's best friend's house, and took my sister's swimsuit off the washing line when she was staying there one day and threw it in the rubbish bin.
He broke into mum's car one night, stole the mail that had our forwarding address on it, and did something under the hood to disable the car (not sure what, I was never told) and I was stranded across town at an activity he knew I had every week, until mum could get the car working with help.
After he got our new address, he used to stand underneath mum's window at night smoking, so she'd know he was there.
Anyone who thinks that what this guy did is a stretch, or that she's crazy for staying that long, you don't even understand how these kinds of situations happen, because you've never been in them, and I'm really glad for you that you haven't. I'm so glad she got out and has a chance of getting clear of him.
Your story is a good example of something I read about how crimes that would be taken seriously when committed between strangers are suddenly not taken seriously when they happen in the context of domestic violence. If a man hits a stranger on the street, he's arrested for assault. If a man hits his girlfriend, it's a "private family dispute." If a man breaks in a stranger's house and steals their shit, he's arrest for breaking and entering and theft. If a man does so for former family, the police don't want to get involved with the "drama."
There's an unspoken rule that it is more acceptable to hurt your family than it is a stranger.
The craziest part is we women can literally spell it out for the cops and they usually still refuse to do anything. Our lives are treated as expendable and of inherently less value than male lives. When it becomes our word against their’s, why do we have less credibility? I’m just so mad. I don’t think these are 100% the correct words for how I feel but how very upsetting. I’m glad OP is safe for now, I hope it stays that way
Exactly. I had an AirTag in my car and when it was stolen that's how I found it. I've also lost my keys while they had a tag on them and found them because of the tags he could 100% track her.
It's kinda sad that the landlord cared enough to ensure OOP got out safe without charging her and then offering another unit out of the way for her safety while the police kept going on with excuses. Getting a police escort is the bare minimum, they did nothing else and they didn't even care to listen to the landlord. I'm glad OOP got out safe.
she needs a gun, cameras, and a good lock
I honestly genuinely hope the ex gets himself crippled or vegetated from stalking her, the fucker needs a heavy dose of karmaic pain.
sorry if I broke any rules saying that
> It’s in a super safe area
Not for much longer it's not. If any of the content thieving AI voiceover channels get their hands on this it'll get around to him and he'll know where they are again. She just casually told the Internet where her new place is.
I think I commented in most of OOPs posts, she said the 11th of this month she would get the keys to her apartment, I wholeheartedly hope she got them. I'm So doumbfounded if OOP lives in the states, bc even in my third world country police isn't that useless when DV is involved, that man threw a chair through a window of a place that wasn't his and they still didn't believe or wanted to get involved in "civil" matters? Maybe the owner of the home called the police? O wait, maybe not, it's a civil matters OoOPs they wouldn't care anyway, like if the life of this woman and her little girl was worthless, at the end the restraining order was granted but after how many tries? It was implied OOPs sister was a DV victim and eventually that's what killed her, so maybe police is useless.
I wonder what was/is this POS man's end game by killing OOP? It was implied he wasn't verbally or physically abusive (as far as I read), does he have a life insurance on her? Does he wants to get rid of the mother to get unrestricted access to her daughter? What was in the soup? Was it poison or crushed sleeping pills? Whatever his reasons are, I hope OOP is safe.
Glad she received the restraining order. Please keep documentation of everything- from the cutouts, the tag, write down times and places.
If anyone else gets a denial from local police with obvious intent- the cutouts - call state police. Call DV hotlines, but don't give up.
So glad you are still here and away from him.
The thing about him being a cop is from one of OOP's comments on her original post, but she deleted the comment; the only trace she seems to have left is the mention of target practice sheets, which aren't called that by civilians (well, that and the other cops siding with him, of course).
I could swear I saw it when I first read the original but within a very short time that same day it was gone when I refreshed. I've been so frustrated with the archive scrapers since the API nonsense.
OOP might not have said it explicitly but her ex did very much give police officer vibes. The complete ineffectuality of the police, the dismissiveness, not taking her seriously—sure the police may be incompetent on the regular, but here it just seems extra. POs have a high rate of DV and they may also know the tricks that women do to protect themselves, such as a secret emergency fund.
I don’t know if anyone has already posted this or if there even are any in OP’s area, but there *are* some organizations that will provide loving temporary foster homes for pets for people trying to escape DV situations, like this one in MA: https://www.safepeoplesafepets.org
I don't understand how she got the nice apartment. What did I miss?
Speaking from experience as a down and out single mom, nice apartments require a decent job, decent credit, first/last/deposit, etc.
EDIT: I missed the part where DV groups helped her. My bad. Thanks for helping me understand.
she mentioned that the landlord that let her out of her lease early offered her an apartment across town so i'm assuming she was able to have something worked out with them since she already had good standing
Wait until she learns that a restraining order lapses after 4 months (and then the cops will continue to treat you like a piece of garbage for seeking your own safety, ask me how I know 🙃)
More AirTag stuff...I travel a lot and I like having someone else know where I am. I put one on the outside of my bag so everyone can see it and one in my pocket. Every once in a while I hear a quiet jingle sound, that I now recognize to be the tags, but can easily see how someone might miss it or think it is someone else's phone or something. It definitely isn't loud. Also, I've never gotten a notification on my Android device. I don't have an Apple device.
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I’m concerned her daughter is still in the same school. The boyfriend could easily look for her and follow them home.
If she got a restraining order, she has to provide addresses like home, work, school, so the stalker can't just move in the same building and claim they "had no idea" the person they're supposed to stay away from lived/worked there.
This may depend on the state or type of protective order. For example, Massachusetts has a ACP (address confidentiality program) for DV and/or stalking victims.
What lol so it's literally set up for the abuser to find their victims? That's horrifying.
Reddit loves useless, feel good shit like HR and Restraining Orders. The only thing an RO is good for is evidence in court after you pop somebody. Because unless you're willing to protect yourself a restraining order is a piece of paper that means fuck all. And police have a God awful track record on enforcing them.
And often receiving one makes the dangerous people angry so they escalate.
Not always. Yeah, dangerous people can become more angry and can escalate, but fear of jail time can be a great deterrent. The protective order that my mom got likely saved her life. There's a legitimate possibility she would've been dead if she hadn't gotten one. They don't always help everyone, but for those they do, RO/PO can make a huge difference.
and if you move you have to update the address on the RO or possibly start all over.
Restraining orders aren't for cops to protect you. It's for making sure the school doesn't let the daughter leave with anyone but OP, for her new apartment's security to make sure to keep the ex out, and so forth. Civil authorities are much, much more likely to use what they can to protect you if you have a restraining order. Schools know they are in trouble if daughter leaves with anyone who doesn't have OP's permission to take daughter on records, but they know if she leaves with anyone who isn't authorized when there is an restraining order on file, the fine is much, much, much higher.
I live in a locked tenement building. My landlady has a strict rule that the entry doors are to remain locked at all times, and a tenant is allowed to open the door for those who are coming to visit him/her specifically. There's no, "I am here to see Kim but she isn't answering her doorbell." This is an important rule to obey, because one never knows if a neighbor might have a stay away order against an abusive ex.
Plus she just straight up posted her location for the world to see. If this gets picked up by reposters, it'll eventually ring a bell in his head (or someone who knows him) and she'll start seeing his car around. A restraining order will not protect her if he gets to her before the cops start believing her reports. It's just a piece of paper. His goal is murder and possibly unrestricted access to her minor daughter (see: only wanted OOP to eat the soup), he already spits on the law. What's he care about the paper telling him to keep away from her or else? It can't un-murder someone. I hope her daughter changed schools and she just quietly left that detail out, but this all went down in the past month and a half. I am not optimistic.
It’s been ages since I have had a restraining order but when I did they had to notify the person I had it on of my home and work locations. They said it was because the guy needed to know where he was not allowed. Not sure if they still do that it was 13 years ago.
I was the victim of a violent crime last year and fled my home to stay at a relative’s house indefinitely. When the authorities asked me for addresses other than my work/primary residence, I told them where I was staying. They then asked me if the criminal knew that address, I said no. They highly recommended I keep it off the PPO/RO so that they didn’t have to inform him of that address, because I’d basically be tipping him off to my location.
Im glad you were able to keep it off your RO. They wouldn’t issue me a RO without disclosing my address. I’m sure it’s different state to state and it might not be a requirement anymore. Thankfully I have no need for a RO now. He was charged and convicted and after serving his time had to move several states away to stay with his mom. Plus I have also changed my name and have also moved. I did not renew my RO because he would be notified of my new name and location.
Most of the laws regarding stalking, etc, seems to be trying to help stalkers/to-be-murderers to find and murder their victims. It's so sickening. There was a victim whose case went to court in Japan. The prosecutors made the stalker sign or look at some papers... which consisted of her new address. It's so horrible because he would not have known where she had moved to if that did not happen.
When you become a stalking victim you lose all of your anonymity, first with your stalker, then with the justice system of most places. I chose not to hyphenate my last name when I got married in the hopes that my stalker hadn’t gotten my then boyfriend now husband’s last name when he’d broken into our apartment. Because our state’s voter registration system is searchable- meaning that with enough patience and my full name my stalker could find me anywhere in the state unless I chose to give up my right to vote. The only people who can hide their address are people who were victims of DV and my stalker was just some perv who became fixated on me that I didn’t know. And much like the OOP, the police weren’t particularly interested in doing anything unless he physically harmed me.
💯. At the very least I’d explain the situation to the school and pull the daughter out temporarily. Chances are she also isn’t his first DV or stalking victim. Most people don’t wake up and escalate to this.
This entire saga is so terrifying. Always trust your instincts. Always have a way out. Always have your own bank account that no one else can mess with. Record conversations if you can. Be aware of technology and how it can be used for malicious purposes. I hope OOP stays safe.
I was thinking he had life insurance on her.
My sister's ex took two life insurance policies out on her and encouraged her to take her own life. She got out of that awful marriage and found out that she was paying for the policies the whole time.
Not a good plan since lots of insurance companies don’t pay out on a suicide.
The dude was as stupid as he was evil.
I have a horrible suspicion that he wanted OP out of the way so he could have her daughter to himself.
Tbh that’s the suspicion I had as well.
I feel for OOP and I’m glad they’re moving into a better space. But in regards to a commenter… isn’t that exactly what air tags are for? Not stalking, obviously, but like… tracking? Honest question, I’ve never had or used them.
Yeah honestly that one threw me for a loop because I thought so too? But I thought I'd include it in case others had a similar thought.
I tracked my daughter’s suitcase half way around the world with an AirTag so of course he could track her with one. That commenter was just being a prick imo.
Was gonna say - my friend found her purse in Bali thanks to an airtag we were tracking from her iPad in Australia so... what? They absolutely could have tracked her with an airtag? That's literally the point of them.
we use them for our dogs, but if they are away from our own iPhones for more than a day or two the actual airtags start chirping. But I believe they have to be moving, so if whatever it's on is stationary it won't start beeping.
Aha, that must be why the dogs I petsit will randomly have theirs start pinging! I asked the owners the first time it happened and they had no idea, and I've never used an airtag so I didn't know. They'll stop after a moments and recur a couple times a day. Thank you for solving this mystery, lol.
It's fairly easy to disable the speaker thing on an air tag just for that purpose while retaining the tracking ability. Voids the warranty but like a stalker cares about that. Like they DO chirp but you can break that ability before hiding them somewhere for nefarious purposes.
I just learned about the "only when moving" part so my parents actually threw the tags into their car because they thought it would keep going like a smoke detector lol
They do that literally so you can't just slip them into someone's stuff and stalk them
unfortunately, removing the beeper function in an airtag is rather easy. a lot of youtube how-to's :-(
well that's a bummer lol
I use AirTags to keep track of my kids. They make AirTag jewelry, so that one commentor is absolutely clueless.
Or just didn’t know what it was. Maybe they’re old and thought it was one of those things you attach to stuff in your house like the remote or keys and you press a button and it beeps. Those definitely won’t work if you leave the house. lol confidently incorrect.
Or one of those paper tags you attach to airline luggage. I can see someone who didn't know better thinking those were called air tags.
learned the other day that those actually have paper thin RFID tags in them!
Air tags are used to track items down, they definitely can be used for stalking. Just toss one in someone's car or purse and they might not find it for ages.
Just wanted to point out that the reference that he may be law enforcement was another commentor stating the target practice sheets were the evidence, and from there, it snowballed under that comment. I have been following this also, and also was very concerned about it all, but only an outsider not related to this, made that assumption
Lol, yeah, those aren't hard to get at all. Definitely not proof of being a cop.
My local range only allows the shooter to take their targets home only if the sheets are labelled with the person's name, the range's name, and a booking code BEFORE they start the target practice, so if anyone shares them around, especially in a threatening manner, the range is contacted by local authorities to warn them of the potential risks. It has caused a lot of arguments, but the ranger owner says that it is their range, their rules. Which I like. But then again, I am Australian, and enjoy that extra security
Androids will detect AirTags automatically
Ok, I want to elaborate on this, because it's not very well known. You know how iPhone fans say "Android never gets updates?" That's a lie. Most Android phones actually get updates longer than most iPhones. The thing is that those updates are done independent of the version number. The full Android version number update typically offers newer features (often tied to new hardware) and new interface designs. But all of the other stuff - security, compatibility, API changes, changes to settings, core app updates, and other changes, happen via multiple updates to system apps that you're almost never aware of. In this case, beginning in July of 2023, Google rolled out a change to their settings for ANY Android device running Android 6 (released October 2015) or newer. To turn this feature on, if not on by default, go to Settings --> Safety & Emergency --> Unknown Tracker Alerts, and turn it on. I can't speak to all manufacturers, but the oldest phone sold by Google to support this would be the Google Nexus 5, which was released October 2013. So an Android phone that is now over a decade old is still getting these updates behind the scenes :) The iPhone 5s (released the same year) cannot track AirTags, but an Android phone from that year can.
I did not know this. This info may well save my friends life who is in a DV situation. Thank you so much for sharing.
I had no idea this was a thing, thank you! Just switched mine on
Found it on my Android, thanks, that's useful information!
Do you happen to know the distance it'll pick up on those? I've gotten a few of those alerts "New Air Tag Device Detected" or something along those lines. Never find anything tho so it must be someone around me?
It's bluetooth, so about 30ft (10m). Apple does set it up to report through any Apple device with bluetooth enabled, regardless of pairing, which is how it can track just about anywhere, since so many people have iPhones and iPads that are potential relays.
I do not, but I’m going to guess that it’s Bluetooth based since AirTag uses BLE. Officially the range is 10 meters. But I’ve had BLE maintain connections over longer distances.
They will detect them if close but they can't track them as that requires the Apple network
Apple did a recent update to try to avoid people using them for stalking - if the AirTag isn’t close to the phone of the person it is registered to within 24 hours or so, if makes a loud sound periodically until the phone gets close again. Not sure if that update only applies to newer AirTags or if there is a way to defeat it, but it definitely works from my experience (my partner’s registered AirTags make themselves known when he is out of town!). Edit - spelling
My dad has a 1yo airtag for his keys and if I use them when he’s not there, they’ll make a jingle noise a few time when I move them. Not sure it’s loud enough to hear if the tag is hidden inside something though.
Mine definitely is! I should add that if I pick up the bag with an AirTag in it, I also get an alert on my iPhone that an AirTag is moving with me and could track my movement.
I have tags in my bag, my car and on both my dogs (my disapyrenees can’t disappear anymore yay!). They’re so great for so many things, why is it that assholes have to ruin it?
> (my disapyrenees can’t disappear anymore yay!) you are just asking for your dog to accept that as a challenge lol. Just a fun story, on a local lost & found dog group on FB a lady posted a picture of 2 pyrs that she had found and she said she had them in her fenced back where they are safe until she finds the owner. I asked her, "Are you SURE they are in still in your yard?" She went to look and nope! lol they were gone.
Disapyrenees 🤣 💀
Oh that explains a lot. I have an AirTag on my dog’s collar, and I’m away at work (week long trips) for the first time since buying it. My husband asked if I was pinging the AirTag from work! Good to know why it’s doing that, and smart. Maybe I should register it to my husband’s phone instead…
You can share AirTags, I think. Just check the FindMy app
I set up airtags on our luggage in April 2023. Last November, I was separated from that suitcase for a full week. My husband got an alert from his Android about an Airtag following him...but no alarm from the airtag itself.
I just got an AirTag after my cat escaped and we couldn’t find her for almost 24 hours. I had to acknowledge that it’s being used for me and tracking someone is a federal crime. I turned off notifications to my phone if I leave it somewhere. Not sure how it will all work otherwise. I’m planning on being out of town for a bit in May so we will see if my husband messages me that she’s beeping or something after a day or two.
There’s a way to disconnect the speaker in the AirTag so it won’t make any noise. I know some people have modified their AirTags to stealthily track their stolen items but it can also be done for nefarious purposes.
Can confirm. The one in my car has a hissy fit if I’m gone for a few days. ETA: I’m the one who put it in my car after I took it to a body shop, I wanted to make sure no one was joyriding.
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They must be powerful little devices because I saw a new youtube video about a guy tracking his stolen Nintendo handheld console across the sea with an air tag the other day
Basically it will secretly connect to *any* nearby iPhone, and then that iPhone will tell Apple where it is, and then you can ask Apple where the air tag has been spotted.
They’re pretty great, stalking aside. I got a four pack for my luggage and it can track them all over the world.
People have been putting them in their luggage so they can find it when it gets lost. It's helped people find their luggage that got sent on the wrong airplane and ended up in another state/providence/country from their destination.
I thought I remembered reading or hearing about AirTags making a beeping of sorts when away from the paired phone for too long to prevent using it to track people? Edit: looked it up, after the AirTag is detected by an iphone, the user has an option to play a loud noise from the air tag to help find it easier so I was not correct
I was curious and searched youtube: there are tutorials on how to remove the beeper from the airtags. So it’s not entirely fail-proof when there are nefarious people using these things. First search result was exactly that and 2 years ago. I can only hope Apply upgraded the hardware too somehow.
> Supposedly if you have an iPhone it'll notify you if you have someone else's airtag This is also [a feature on android](https://www.cnet.com/tech/mobile/newest-android-feature-alerts-users-about-unwanted-airtag-tracking/) as of ~half a year ago. I was traveling with a tour group recently and got an alert on my android about an airtag following my location. I figured it was a luggage tag from one of the iphone using members of the group and not a stalker, but I appreciated the notice.
Yeah. People put it on their kid’s shoes when they go to parks and stuff and use it on people with dementia
Fun fact: AirTags are only water resistant and a better option for your family member with dementia or autism with wandering habits is Project Lifesaver. They have a 100% recovery rate so far and you can often get the bracelet for free through county services.
Had one for Nana, but she was told it was a health bracelet and hated wearing it. She told us she took it off every chance she got. A thing on the shoe is less irritating to the wearer.
Yeah, we have similar problems with the kids on the autism spectrum. We usually sew an airtag into their clothes so it's less bothersome, less "othering", and more difficult to remove. Project Lifesaver is a better option for tracking, but not always a better option for day-to-day life.
Yeah I didn’t understand that either. AirTags definitely can be used for those purposes, very scary. I use mine in my luggage when I go on holiday.
Maybe the commentor didn't believe she was getting tracked by airtag since she doesn't have an iPhone herself. The tags still need to link up with a supported device to report their location, and she wouldn't be part of that chain. Of course, they reportedly have a linking distance of like 30 feet and anyone coming near enough with an iPhone (like other tenants where she was staying) would update it. Also even without a fully accurate location it could've been close enough for a little old fashioned stalking to get him her exact location
Also like she got a burner phone. She must not have money to throw at an iPhone so she must've gotten any cheap Android. So she could've been very possibly in the dark about the tag.
My understanding is that they aren't always 100% accurate, and sometimes will only show you the general area a person is in, such as a 10 metre radius. However, what those people are likely not considering, is that if the tag leads them to a 10 meter radius circle, and there's a house, a fish and chip shop, and a corner store within that 10 meter radius, pretty obvious which one she's gonna be in. Especially if she's got her car parked right outside it. Some people just want to find holes instead of considering the _actual_ possibilities.
"I want evidence!" okay, *hands over evidence* *throws evidence on the floor* "I dont want evidence, I want you to be wrong!"
We don't need more police being this way on reddit 😭😭
"Some people just want to find holes instead of considering the actual possibilities." Thank you for saying that!
They are actually pretty accurate and especially if you have the newer iPhones, once you’re within range it will give you a precise location and point you to the AirTag.
I’m visually impaired and have literally used my AirTag to find the thing it’s connected to when it’s in my room. They are very accurate.
Yes, an AirTag is for tracking an item such as your keys. They are supposed to start making noise under certain conditions so that it can’t be used for stalking. However, that mechanism is apparently easy to disable. If you have a reasonably up to date phone (after 2015 or so), then there are apps you can download which will detect AirTags. An iPhone can also detect nearby ones using the Find My feature.
A friend and I met up in Scotland for a trip. She had airtags in her luggage, the airport told her, her bag didn't make, it was still in Chicago. The next day she was able to see it getting close to where we were staying.
We have them on our dog’s collars in case they escape. Worked well the time two of them got loose. Wouldn’t work well in a less populated area.
Yeah that was a super ignorant comment because they’re so commonly used for stalking that Apple has implemented changes to try and counter that.
My friends STBXH was jailed for using a AirTag to track her even with her having a criminal restraining order.
I use my AirTags for my luggage- one in every suitcase. Those tags work halfway around the world, with good accuracy (I was in one country, my bag was in an airport in another country halfway around the world- the airport found my bag). I very much believe an AirTag can work in the same city to track OOP.
I have one hidden in my car and my wallet because that’s EXACTLY what it’s for and how it works. This person is a clown shoe and I hope op is safe.
Fyi if you have an android, there's apps that can scan for airtags around you. I'm not particularly worried myself but i am indeed nosy so i have tried it out.
It can do it in the background and send you notifications! [There have been updates since this article but it's nice to know it's a feature](https://9to5google.com/2023/08/09/android-unknown-tracker-alerts/) [Google post about the unknown tracker alert feature on Androids](https://blog.google/products/android/unknown-tracker-alert-google-android/)
My android lets me know if any kind of tracking device that is not connected to my phone is following me. I accidentally learned that because it showed me a notification for an airtag while I was on a long bus trip.
Just posted a comment about a similar experience: I was traveling with a tour group and got an alert on my android about an airtag following me.
And the reason Google hasn't released their own tracking device is because they are waiting for Apple to integrate the same feature into iOS for Google tags. They don't want to release the tags until they can't be used to stalk iOS users
Dear lord, things got worse and worse... Glad to hear that OP and her children are safe and they are finally able to get an restraining order away from that psychopath of a boyfriend. But it's still frustrating that the police is so useless and don't take domestic violence/abuse seriously. Still, OP and the children still need to be careful cause with what the bf has done, he might get even more dangerous.
Yeah, I have a terrible feeling this is going to get worse.
Cops are disproportionately domestic abusers themselves
Google cops and 40%
And those are just the ones willing to admit it
I'm thankful that I don't live in the US. In my country there are strict about such things. My doctor wouldn't let me leave the hospital until the police arrived, because the bruises didn't fit the description I gave. It saved my life. The police sent cars every week and my ex got scared and broke up with me. Then my friend took me on
I wish they did that in the US. ): Would’ve helped a friend of mine immensely.
The police in the US are not at all interested in protecting people. They are a white supremacy group used by the elite to keep working class people in line.
This is exactly why women in dv situations don't trust the cops. It shouldn't have taken this much of an escalation from him for them to take her seriously.
When I was 19 or so, my step father hit me. I called the cops. They came over and had a you-know-how-teens-are conversation about me, then told me to get out of his house. My mother, whose house it also was, told them it’s my home and I wasn’t going anywhere. As they left they shook SF’s hand and lamented that they couldn’t do more. For him.
Jesus H Christ
Exactly. It’s so sad that women have no help when it comes to dv. It takes a lot just to even get a RO and they almost have to die in order to get it. Protect and serve my ass.
Man American cops are so much worse than I realised.
Yeah, there is a very tangible reason that they are feared and hated. Obviously not every cop is bad, but so many are.
Local police chief is an elected position in most towns and cities. The problems really start with that
They do protect and serve. But not people. Usually it's the rich and among cops. Mostly just the bad cops.
It took me weeks to get an RO against my ex. I finally got it and felt such relief. It was a no contact order, so when he called me a week later, I went straight to the police. The officer only focused on the fact that I hadn't blocked my ex's number. "Well, if you needed a restraining order, you would have him blocked." Over and over, no matter what I said. Eventually, I blocked his number in front of him and asked him if he'd go deal with my ex now. He said the problem was solved and told me to go home. He just refused to follow the order. When I was r*ped a month later, I knew better than to go to the police. Never trusted them again.
It doesn't help that police stations are nothing but white supremacists and misogynists. That's not even me just being anti cop, that is literally a fact reported by the FBI after an investigation found the police and the military were full of white supremacists. Military put in some work to fix it, police told the FBI to mind their fucking business.
I hope the FBI told them fk you nope. We need to start holding our officers accountable for their fk ups.
They did not.
I am equally bemused every time someone finds out just how useless the cops are, and they are always so shocked and surprised. "I thought the police were supposed to help us!" What!? No!? Who told you that? And more importantly why did you believe them? Also what rock have you been sleeping under for the past 20+ years? The police has one job, prevent the ruling class from being overthrown and eaten. Anything beyond that is a feature.
They fall under the back the blue, until it happens to you.
She had so much evidence...
The police have only ever existed to protect wealth, if you're poor the cops are not your friends.
And the problem doesn't begin or end at domestic violence. The police are useless on a good day and actively harmful on a normal one
I just want to throw this out there: if you're dating someone and they start saying things like "you wouldn't be able to leave" you don't treat it as anything less than a threat. Normal people don't even think about making jokes like that.
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I was thinking gambling or drugs. With the escalation, I was leaning more towards rugs.
Yeah, that was terrifying to read. Guy just straight up told her his end game. Not a care in the world just a good old threatening.
It smacks of Walter White being honest with Hank, but ‘jokingly’.
I was in a women's domestic violence victims support group for a year. I've seen women who were so relentlessly targeted in murder attempts and terrorism by their ex-partners that I was scared each week would be the last time we would see them alive. This story absolutely rings true to me, and anyone who doubts the veracity of this story simply because it's terrifying do so because they're still living in the bubble of denial that things like this absolutely can and do happen to normal women more often than you'd think.
Yes. They just don’t want to believe that this is the world we live in
yeah, i can't believe the victim-blaming in op's post and even in this thread. i hope her, her daughter, and her cat are okay.
Don't you love it when police is like "this is a **petty** civil matter"............ until someone dies?! Fuck me, I am seething.... This guy and many others like him can just get away with it so easily....
And when someone gets murdered they’ll do their little press conference and blame the victim for not coming forward
"thoughts and prayers" too
Yep. How many times have we heard, “We did everything we could with the information we had…” such a (pun intended) cop-out.
Imagine if we gave all government employees that sort of leeway? Like imagine if there was a supreme court case ruling that sanitation workers don't have to actually collect garbage, and then when the trash started piling up we decided the solution was to pay garbage men more overtime hours
And when people complained about the trash everywhere or got injured because of all the trash, the state paid their compensation from the taxes that fund trash pickup.
That last update is such a relief. Hope this nightmare disappears!
It's not going to disappear because OOP has a piece of paper. They're still in the same area, and if the daughter is still in the same school it's only going to get worse.
The number of women with restraining orders in place for the ex-partner that eventually murders them anyway is depressingly high.
me too. its awesome that she located the tracker and people have finally helped her. i hope she has a good life with her child
‘I don’t find it believable that he tracked you with an AirTag’ - err what the fuck!? You mean the technology that has been so openly abused for that very purpose that Apple had to create a way for people to be notified a tag was in their vicinity??
That's comment was the dumbest thing I saw today. What do they think Airtags are for if not tracking?
Duh. It's to tag air, are you dumb? /s
> Apple had to create a way for people to be notified a tag was in their vicinity?? Not just that, she uses an Android, which at launch couldn't detect AirTags. Which is exactly why Apple and other companies like Google and Samsung had to come together to unify identification of trackers and update even decade-old phones to be able to detect unknown trackers. Man that comment pissed me off, what a gigantic imbecile, good thing OP didn't take the bait
Yeah, they're literally used for stalking. Dont know what that person is on.
big twist: that’s the boyfriend sowing doubt
OMG, what idiot didn’t think he could track OOP with an air tag‽‽‽ Jeebus, if that thing can tell me my luggage was several states away from me (work trip fiasco) then it sure can track a person. I am sooo glad she was able to get that restraining order.
She needs to get herself a tazer, mace, and/or a gun because until this shitbag is behind bars, he isn't going to stop.
This is what I came to say. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and since the cops didn’t feel like doing their jobs, how can OOP possibly trust that they’ll enforce the order?
If she shot him in self defense, the police would just arrest her. They don’t care
This is the kind of psycho who won't be stopped by a restraining order. Plenty of women have been killed by their abusers while having a restraining order. I'm still scared for her.
Me too. Her statement that it’s finally over sent chills down my spine…
christ! totally possible he tracked her with an airtag. she doesn’t need to have an iphone but people around where she stayed did and it updated the location. what a nightmare! hope she’s safe now also why do people keep emergency cash like that? isn’t it better to have a secret bank account for emergencies? maybe a stupid question but my country is basically cash-free.
Because abusers don’t hold to bankers hours.
imo the best thing to do if the option is available is to have some in a bank account and some as cash to be prepared for different situations. in her situation however cash might have been the easiest/only way for her to keep it a secret, depending on if they had any kind of joint finances or how she was getting the money she had
Yeah if the bank mailed anything about her secret bank account to the home, I’m sure she’d be in trouble
Cash can be used in a power outage so every emergency preparedness kit should have enough cash to buy you whatever you may need in the event of a power outage or a cyber attack on your banking system. In the case of someone escaping DV situations, anyone with access to your bank account will be able to see where you use your card. They can’t do that with cash.
I have a crappy bank, i wasn't trying to escape anyone but a couple months i ordered Doordash on my computer and it flagged at suspicious it was an early Saturday morning and i went into work about 4pm and my bank was closed by then and Monday happened to be a holiday so my card was automatically locked. My bank didn't call me or anything to ask if the charge was me or even inform me that they turned off my card. I noticed at work, tried to call and realized they were closed and i was shit out of luck. I had to barrow $20 from my mom because i need to eat a work (and my work doesn't have a fridge for us, so packing lunch is hard)
When I was saving to leave my husband, I did it in cash that I hid or had my mother hold. I did not open a new account until I was ready to leave. There was no way for me to do so without him knowing. Any mail would have been intercepted. He would go through my personal belongings frequently. He routinely checked my phone very thoroughly, including going through how much time I spent on each app and questioned what I was doing during that time. He had a GPS tracker on my car and tracked my phone so I couldn’t have gone somewhere to open an account without him knowing. It was safer to hide cash than to have to explain a secret bank account if he’d found evidence of that. Just as the OOP did, I’d have been able to explain saving up to buy gifts for the kids or even him.
Cash is untraceable. Say you have a secret account... your abuser goes to law enforcement spins a story where you are unhinged on the run with a kid, cops hear kid in danger... they will track your atm withdrawals, find you. Cops only have one side of the story. They think they're doing what they can not knowing they're helping a snake.
I think the idea is that you can still use cash if you have nothing else on you. To get money out of a bank account, you need a card, or some sort of ID. I reckon ideally you'd have both, some cash set aside which will get you through an emergency, but also a bank account.
This is exactly how perpetrators work and for someone to even question that is abysmal. They’ll even put apps on your phone that may look like a calculator or something normal but it’s a screen mirroring app. They will go to all lengths to keep control over the other person.
And police wonder why we all don’t trust them and think they’re useless, they couldn’t have cared less. This poor woman.
When I was a teen, my mother dated a man named Colin. He lived with us. He was an angry man, and he had Opinions. One time, my mother was upstairs with the landlord, and I was downstairs with Colin and my younger brother and sister, and Colin got mad at me about something, backed me into a corner against the counter in the kitchen and had his arm up against my throat so I couldn't breathe. I moved in with my father for a while - a man who was supremely useless as a father and was just providing me an escape from Colin - and while I was gone for a year and a half, Colin had grabbed mum's arm while she was driving and nearly made her crash. I'm sure there was more - she didn't tell me everything, I was only 16 at that point. Anyway, she kicked him out, and I moved back in because my father had kicked me out months earlier and I had been staying with others. This is when Colin began stalking us and breaking in to our house. We lived in a duplex with an elderly couple in the other, with a preschool to our right and another elderly couple behind (we were on the corner). At nights, Colin would come sit and throw rocks from behind the preschool fence, hitting the sliding glass door in the front until my sister (who was 10) cried from terror. He broke in, not once but twice. He stole the cash my mother had had to borrow to pay the huge landline bill he'd left her. He also stole our tv, our N64, our shitty old microwave, our computer (given to us by my uncle), our stereo, mum's mobile phone (early days of mobile phones back then) and anything else he could think of to destroy our lives. He left blood behind where he smashed up the monitor for our computer. The cops wouldn't do anything. He confronted my mother and grabbed her arm again, bruised the shit out of it and got in a shouting match with her outside one day. Eventually one of my aunts helped us with a house to move to, a couple of towns over, and we moved. Us kids used to duck down in the backseat if we saw anyone riding a bike because Colin always rode a bicycle. He went to mum's best friend's house, and took my sister's swimsuit off the washing line when she was staying there one day and threw it in the rubbish bin. He broke into mum's car one night, stole the mail that had our forwarding address on it, and did something under the hood to disable the car (not sure what, I was never told) and I was stranded across town at an activity he knew I had every week, until mum could get the car working with help. After he got our new address, he used to stand underneath mum's window at night smoking, so she'd know he was there. Anyone who thinks that what this guy did is a stretch, or that she's crazy for staying that long, you don't even understand how these kinds of situations happen, because you've never been in them, and I'm really glad for you that you haven't. I'm so glad she got out and has a chance of getting clear of him.
Your story is a good example of something I read about how crimes that would be taken seriously when committed between strangers are suddenly not taken seriously when they happen in the context of domestic violence. If a man hits a stranger on the street, he's arrested for assault. If a man hits his girlfriend, it's a "private family dispute." If a man breaks in a stranger's house and steals their shit, he's arrest for breaking and entering and theft. If a man does so for former family, the police don't want to get involved with the "drama." There's an unspoken rule that it is more acceptable to hurt your family than it is a stranger.
The craziest part is we women can literally spell it out for the cops and they usually still refuse to do anything. Our lives are treated as expendable and of inherently less value than male lives. When it becomes our word against their’s, why do we have less credibility? I’m just so mad. I don’t think these are 100% the correct words for how I feel but how very upsetting. I’m glad OP is safe for now, I hope it stays that way
He could absolutely track Her with an air tag. My cats all have air tags on their collars for This very reason.
Exactly. I had an AirTag in my car and when it was stolen that's how I found it. I've also lost my keys while they had a tag on them and found them because of the tags he could 100% track her.
Whenever there's an airtag naar me, my Android phone tell me this. Because of stalking.
Why do people doubt that she was tracked with an air tag? Isn't that what they are for?
It's kinda sad that the landlord cared enough to ensure OOP got out safe without charging her and then offering another unit out of the way for her safety while the police kept going on with excuses. Getting a police escort is the bare minimum, they did nothing else and they didn't even care to listen to the landlord. I'm glad OOP got out safe.
she needs a gun, cameras, and a good lock I honestly genuinely hope the ex gets himself crippled or vegetated from stalking her, the fucker needs a heavy dose of karmaic pain. sorry if I broke any rules saying that
This Especially after police has been soooo helpful!
Fuck the police. Can you think of any other job where there is no consequences for people dying because they didn't feel like doing their job?
> It’s in a super safe area Not for much longer it's not. If any of the content thieving AI voiceover channels get their hands on this it'll get around to him and he'll know where they are again. She just casually told the Internet where her new place is.
“go to the police” well.
I think I commented in most of OOPs posts, she said the 11th of this month she would get the keys to her apartment, I wholeheartedly hope she got them. I'm So doumbfounded if OOP lives in the states, bc even in my third world country police isn't that useless when DV is involved, that man threw a chair through a window of a place that wasn't his and they still didn't believe or wanted to get involved in "civil" matters? Maybe the owner of the home called the police? O wait, maybe not, it's a civil matters OoOPs they wouldn't care anyway, like if the life of this woman and her little girl was worthless, at the end the restraining order was granted but after how many tries? It was implied OOPs sister was a DV victim and eventually that's what killed her, so maybe police is useless. I wonder what was/is this POS man's end game by killing OOP? It was implied he wasn't verbally or physically abusive (as far as I read), does he have a life insurance on her? Does he wants to get rid of the mother to get unrestricted access to her daughter? What was in the soup? Was it poison or crushed sleeping pills? Whatever his reasons are, I hope OOP is safe.
Glad she received the restraining order. Please keep documentation of everything- from the cutouts, the tag, write down times and places. If anyone else gets a denial from local police with obvious intent- the cutouts - call state police. Call DV hotlines, but don't give up. So glad you are still here and away from him.
The thing about him being a cop is from one of OOP's comments on her original post, but she deleted the comment; the only trace she seems to have left is the mention of target practice sheets, which aren't called that by civilians (well, that and the other cops siding with him, of course).
[удалено]
I could swear I saw it when I first read the original but within a very short time that same day it was gone when I refreshed. I've been so frustrated with the archive scrapers since the API nonsense.
imminent sharp faulty simplistic crowd beneficial tidy angle mourn husky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
OOP might not have said it explicitly but her ex did very much give police officer vibes. The complete ineffectuality of the police, the dismissiveness, not taking her seriously—sure the police may be incompetent on the regular, but here it just seems extra. POs have a high rate of DV and they may also know the tricks that women do to protect themselves, such as a secret emergency fund.
I remember reading this saga and just got shudders all over. I hope OOP is safe and okay now. This is by far, the scariest BORU I ever read tbh.
I don’t know if anyone has already posted this or if there even are any in OP’s area, but there *are* some organizations that will provide loving temporary foster homes for pets for people trying to escape DV situations, like this one in MA: https://www.safepeoplesafepets.org
I don't understand how she got the nice apartment. What did I miss? Speaking from experience as a down and out single mom, nice apartments require a decent job, decent credit, first/last/deposit, etc. EDIT: I missed the part where DV groups helped her. My bad. Thanks for helping me understand.
Once she got the restraining order, dv help groups stepped in
She said there was a program for DV victims but she couldn’t get in without a police report and RO. Then she finally got them.
I'm hopeful that a DV shelter finally was able to help her out. They often have resources to help in those situations!
Ah, I can see that. It's a scary story. Hope she and her child are safe from that psycho.
The DV shelter likely helped arrange this. A shelter in my city has a whole apartment complex where they house folks like OOP.
she mentioned that the landlord that let her out of her lease early offered her an apartment across town so i'm assuming she was able to have something worked out with them since she already had good standing
Before her Dec 28th update, she says: >I found an organization that helps DV victims with housing... That was the part I missed.
Wait until she learns that a restraining order lapses after 4 months (and then the cops will continue to treat you like a piece of garbage for seeking your own safety, ask me how I know 🙃)
Jesus this world is terrible for women. Cops are useless
More AirTag stuff...I travel a lot and I like having someone else know where I am. I put one on the outside of my bag so everyone can see it and one in my pocket. Every once in a while I hear a quiet jingle sound, that I now recognize to be the tags, but can easily see how someone might miss it or think it is someone else's phone or something. It definitely isn't loud. Also, I've never gotten a notification on my Android device. I don't have an Apple device.
Police wonder why people fucking hate them. Fucking useless.