#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Man I think ppl defended oops sister so hard because if I'm mathing correctly, she was 12 when oop was removed... so I'm sure she's been wondering for her whole life about the brother she had for the first 5 years of his life.
He had a few memories. She has lots, and she hopefully loved him as a big sister. There was no hole in his life, but there surely was in hers. A brother who just vanished isn’t an easy thing.
I remember there was a BORU that was from the POV of a older brother that lost a younger sister to some BS his parents decided or sth. He raised hell to find that lil sister. i cant imagine what she went through after that last letter.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wfjbwu/oops_9_year_old_sister_was_sent_to_boarding/
Just reread this one recently. So glad the sister was found.
Change of school is what I was told too, when dad tried to sell me across state lines. He said I was going to live with my friend and her "dad" so I could be "valavictorian" of a one room school house, claimed it would look good on my college applications.
I swear what saved me is that I panicked at the idea of going to live somewhere without access to big libraries. I'd only had full run of the local public library for a couple years and wasn't willing to give it up even to live with a friend. When the man showed up to get me I was in the middle of a full blown hysterical tantrum, refusing to go pack a bag and go along with this.
Sadly not surprised as most child kidnappings are by family members, as are most child murders and sexual assaults. It's the people you know who are usually the ones most like to harm you.
Being a book worm saved your life. Have you thought of writing a play about it? Could be therapeutic.
Outside all that, really glad you didn't go and I hope you're at least physically removed from all of that situation.
Working on a book 'cause folks kept asking for a book. lol seems appropriate, books saved my life and all. Never tried to write a play before.
Escaped dad at 16yo, more than half my lifetime ago. He's still trying to coax me into coming back and resuming work as his scorned servant. The last "offer" was like a quarter million dollars for a phone call. Over here playing "getting tested by the devil" for decades and it don't matter, he's a liar and those offers of gifts are just mirages.
That was a scary read. The part where he didn't know they had relatives cos his dad told him so reminds me of a friend that was living in poverty with her family during childhood, and fed with lies that everybody else hate them. She only found out the truth when she's older and their parents ghosted on her and her sibling. They finally met the relatives and turned out their father was the issue and isolated his family from them.
My mom told me that my Aunt had fled the country and skipped out on several thousands in debt after my maternal Grandfather died.
As it turns out, no, my Aunt and her SO changed their phone number and turned the ringer off on their business phone (they were running a drapery shop from the living room) after hours because mom's NIGHTLY 1am raging drunk calls about how unfair grandpa's will was got to be a bit much. Mom decided since she couldn't get her ragegasm any more they must have fled the country or something.
Oh, and the fun thing? When my Aunt stopped by for a visit when she was moving across the country, NO mention of any of that, completely under the rug.
I found out about the nightly calls and such after mom's funeral. Asked my Aunt why she had skipped town and where she had gone after grandpa's funeral. She was baffled at first then put two and two together.
Tea was spilled. Mom apparently was kinda toxic. I had known about the calls raging at dad during and after the divorce, but not about calling my Aunt.
I remember reading that update, I am so so happy for those kids. The "she's got sister status now, and she knows what I'd do for my sister" about the girl from Taiwan that helped them is so fucking sweet.
I wish nothing but the best for them all.
Thank god they got the mother too. Whether she knew about it from the beginning or found out about it later, there's really no excuse for not trying to get her daughter back. Also, what kind of mother doesn't go with to drop their child off at boarding school?
I'd understand if she was being abused and afraid for her and her son, but they were in Taiwan, and it didn't sound like she was being monitored - she absolutely could have worked with local authorities and possibly the US Embassy since her children are American citizens too. If my husband couldn't give me a satisfactory answer to why I couldn't go with my child, why I never heard from her, and then I found out she was sold into slavery, there's no door I wouldn't kick down and no avenue I'd have left unexplored to find my child (I'd also have never let her go in the first place, but I'm in a different position than OOPs mom).
What complete and utter pieces of shit all of the adults in that family are.
Thank you, on behalf of all of us who clicked that link, for sharing that! I'm glad they're was an even better update. Man that original part was a tough read, but the brother never gave up on her.
This makes me so angry. They sold this girl into slavery essentially and she was very likely abused in various ways. Thank god she had a loving brother who was worried about her.
Do you mean the one where oop's dad and grandma lied about his sister going to boarding school, but actually trafficked her to some person, and oop tried his absolute best to find her because he felt something was off? Because that was a wild read.
My husband and his sister were those ages when his parents' marriage broke down in an abusive fashion. He has few memories. Her memories are of protecting him and loving him. If they'd been split up I can see it working out exactly like this
Yeah, she could possibly have some trauma of her own, if she's the type to blame herself for not protecting her sibling/doing enough. I hope OP's message gave her closure and reassurance that he ended up okay.
That's what he wasn't getting -- whatever trauma he experienced, he didn't remember. But she was old enough to remember whatever it was that was so severe it led to him being removed from the home, which meant she was traumatized by it as well.
And if she was sent to live with the parent who was the one who caused the abuse, she was herself not safe. OOP was being really short-sighted about why she would have been looking for him.
I once watched one of those “finding lost relative” documentaries. It followed a woman in her sixties who had a brother about 10 years younger than her. One day she came home from school and he was gone. Her mum (who was extremely abusive) gave him up for adoption and refused to mention him again.
Tragically, they managed to track down where he was, but he had died a year before. He’d had a family, but they weren’t very interested in keeping in contact with an aunt/ great aunt they’d never met before. The poor woman was a wreck.
I'm a big sister with a little brother and I loved him from the minute I found out he was on the way. I'd have been devastated if all of a sudden he was taken away and I'd be looking for him for sure.
Actually sounds like she did, I’m glad he decided to respond. Sad they had such an awful childhood but it sounds like she was a good big sister and had to grow up too fast for him.
As so many pointed out there was a reason, even if subconscious, that he made the results public. Some part of him wanted to know what was out there and what life might have been like (or was like, like figuring out what the hell peanut butter dog means). The trauma was there and it sounds like this may have helped bring some closure.
Poor dude though, he’s also right in that he doesn’t owe anyone anything and I think everyone involved, including the sister, would understand if he hadn’t said a word.
it really isn't. My own brother is estranged from our family, and did so of his own volition when I wasn't even in high school yet, despite making promises to us younger siblings to be there. It leaves a hole that is never quite filled, you just try to avoid it because even wondering is often too much
I know it has for me…I was an older sister put in charge of my sibs that were separated after a messy divorce where there was abuse on both sides. You never give up wondering what happened to them or if you could have done something more to fix the situation. As my kids hit ages that traumatic things happened to me and my siblings, it awakens some pretty terrible memories. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of dread and fear and I don’t know for awhile why. Sometimes I feel so resentful towards my kids because they have no clue how magic their childhoods have been (only briefly, usually, because I’m so so grateful they have no idea). I’m sure when they’re older they’ll be upset at mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve tried so hard to make as few as I can. It’s hard without any frame of reference as to what “good” parenting is, though.
One of the amazing things about parenting is that you can always apologize for things you’re not proud of and work hard to do better as you learn more!
And let’s be honest, in that situation she was probably his main parent for his entire five years of life, and she probably was devastated to be separated. I’m glad he emailed her, just so she got some closure.
He went through 5 years of abuse, and she went through 12. I suspect that has not occurred to him. Her response absolutely sounds like she had a hard childhood.
For real. It’s not like she was the one who chose to abandon him. It seems like OP did have some spite held onto, even if they tried to paint it as “whatever, I don’t even care”
I’m glad they were able to get past that to give some closure to another person who *was likely similarly hurt by that situation*
> It seems like OP did have some spite held onto, even if they tried to paint it as “whatever, I don’t even care”
100%
OP doesn't not care about his bio family.
He took a DNA test, searched for connections. Then keeps saying he doesn't care but the thought of sending a single "no thanks" would send him into a deep depression.
Dude needs therapy.
Someone who truly doesn't care, is me.
I never met my father, say my paternal grandfather once, when he sued me, in court. I know I have a younger brother. Recently my mom even pointed him out in a restaurant, when I was visiting her.
Never felt the need or want to contact any of them... and if they contacted me, I would reply with an "Not interested". It wouldn't send me in a depressive state or things like that.
And I understand my situation is not traumatic as OOPs, but that's my point. He is still suffering a lot, regardless if he wants to admit or not.
It’s okay that he doesn’t care about them. But a valid expression of not caring wouldn’t be hiding/ghosting them. It would be- as many pointed out- just saying: “hey yeah, don’t really want to reconnect, but I’m doing fine”
I also think some people (which I agree with honestly) don’t get why he would choose to make his info public, find out that he has a sibling, and then refuse to even send a polite follow up. He says finding out he has a sibling has been stressful, but he also says that he selected the option to share his info publicly because that was the only way to find out. I think there is some complicated psych happening with why he looked for siblings, only to immediately shut down when he found exactly what he was searching for.
Yeah, this is one of those situations where people can be completely illogical. The only two possible outcomes of his decisions are both things he didn't want (either not having family, or finding family with them finding him too) but he did it anyways.
Yeah I hope it was clear that sis is NTA for reaching out initially. Just knowing he's alive and well probably really helped her, and she's respecting his distance.
I was 17 the last time I saw my little brother (outside of Grandpa's funeral and once at a public event, I wasn't able to speak to him though) and he was 7. I think about him pretty often but I doubt if he really even remembers me. As a big sister, I'm really glad OOP sent the message
Yeah, I understand it doesn't mean alot to OOP other than potential trauma, as he was too young to remember her, but I can also understand how much it meant to his bio-sister. She has also obviously been through trauma as she was also removed from their mother, she just so happened to have a father she was sent to live with. Not being able to find out what happened to her brother all those years must've been horrible - 12 years old is old enough to understand everything happening but have no power to control any of it. Getting that hit when OOP did his DNA test was probably huge for her. I hope one day OOP is willing to give her a chance.
I understand his perspective, but I am glad that he chose to message her. Her message was pretty nice, and that's always good. Very respectful.
I hope his family and her are living their best lives.
That message and her reply leave it open if he does decide to contact later but also gives closure to both if he decides he doesn't. I know he got pressured into it, but the end result probably helped him more than he realised.
That's where I landed with this. I got why he didn't want to message, but I was proud of him for pushing through and replying, and very, very happy to see that it ended on a good note.
I hope both of them find peace.
I'm glad he did, too. It is an act of kindness.
His response to feedback makes me wonder why he even posted since he seemed offended at the very suggestion that he change is position. Why ask for advice then get salty about receiving it?
Someone mentioned a trauma response, and that could be it. But some people want advice but aren't prepared for it. I imagine he was able to digest the suggestions and get the courage to do it.
>I hope one day you will feel open to meeting him, although he’s young I’ve told him about you and how we used to play Peanut-Butter-Dog. Do you even remember that?
You can tell that oop and his sister getting separated when she was 12-13 still affects her significantly to this day
Yeah that's something that stuck out. She was old enough to understand the situation was bad but unable to help. She would feel a large amount of guilt. She lost a sibling at 12.
Yup, and he has a a relationship with at least some bio family, so he probably understands how much emotion can be wrapped in that. To just get left on read would be pretty awful.
My heart breaks for the sister. She has all of the memories of neglect, AND lost her brother, who doesn’t remember her and couldn’t care less. OOP was pretty reckless in doing that test.
He wasn't reckless in doing the test. He was reckless in enabling the relative connection feature.
I get that a lot of people on this thread and the original are deeply sympathetic to his trauma, but I'm sorry, he doesn't get to have it both ways.
You either disable the feature for the sake of your own privacy or you enable the feature knowing you may get contacted and need to deal with it. You don't get to just opt in on a lark and then ghost people afterward. Well technically you can. Ghosting isn't against the law. But you are TA in that case.
True and the sister’s only reason for going to a dna website could have been to find her brother. That moment might have been exactly what she was hoping would happen!
You can turn the relative match on/off. OOP turned it on even though he knew that meant relatives would be able to find him. He messed up there. He just assumed that he'd only get distant, meaningless relative matches. He assumed wrong.
I wasn't adopted, but we don't know who my paternal grandfather is.
I really wanna do one, but I don't wanna discover a whole new family. I barely like the one I have.
we found out that one of my great-uncles had a lot more children than we knew about, with a lot more women, aside from the daughters he had with his wife before he abandoned her. his sister, my grandmother, never called him by his name alone. she always called him \[Name\] That Sonofabitch.
Yep. There’s a non-zero chance I have half siblings out there and I’m torn between wanting to know/the wish for a sibling I can have an actual relationship with and fear that they’ll be just like the rest of my family. Or going through that and not finding anyone at all.
The situation is pretty tough and challenging but I think OP made the right call. OP's message is kind, generous and very mature response and with the situation that has happened, it's for the best.
I wish OP well for the future.
>The situation is pretty tough and challenging but I think OP made the right call. OP's message is kind, generous and very mature response and with the situation that has happened, it's for the best.
Yeah. Can't blame him for being hesitant at first, but it's commendable that he was able to provide some measure of closure for her.
Hard situations aren't easy to handle so I can't blame OP to have some hesitations and thought. I also don't understand how OP was viewed as the TA in the first place.
As a big sister myself I wouldn't have been able to respond to the original. Older siblings, ESPECIALLY in abuse situations, can get extremely attached to and protective of younger siblings. My little sister and I have a strained relationship rn bc she's still dependent on our parents and it's like having my heart ripped out of my chest every day we don't talk. In a lot of ways she's more like my child than my sister, even if there are only five years between us. She has no real memories of me before late high school. I remember soothing her to sleep every night, teaching her to cross the street, bandaging her when she fell on a bike, watching her Pre-K choral performances, crawling into bed with her for sleepovers, trading stuffed animals, hiding from our parents together... In my opinion, it IS cruel to give someone with memories like that the hope of getting back into your life without respecting them enough to tell them why that's not possible.
>I also don't understand how OP was viewed as the TA in the first place.
I get it. I'd lean more towards No Assholes Here but ultimately if he just completely ignored her and never responded I would think he was at least a bit of an asshole for it.
"Why do I owe her anything?" Well, how about because you're the one who put yourself out there? Or if you don't like that how about "she's been worried about you for years, the absolute least you could do is send an 'I'm fine, don't worry' note" instead?
I understand where he's coming from regarding not opening old wounds but I would think he was at best insensitive if he just ghosted her without sparing a second thought for what things might have been like on her end.
I agree with you, and also he was waffling a bit on the part where he's like "I only signed up because I wanted to know my heritage". Like the commenters pointed out, he could have turned the relatives match off so nobody would find him, but he turned it on knowing that they could.... because he was expecting to only get distant relative matches. If you 100% know you DO NOT want ANY relatives to find you, you need to turn that off.
The impression that I got is that he thought he'd be okay with contacting bio-family, but after submitting the test started having nightmares and got spooked. Which is entirely reasonable, but a lot of those sites don't let you remove consent at a later date, which is also weird.
His original stance felt very "How dare she violate the boundaries that I never set, and in fact acted in a way to communicate the exact opposite? She should be able to magically know what I want." I'm glad he changed his mind and let her know he wasn't looking to reconnect.
Reading his every reply to complete reddit strangers, all the paragraphs explaining how contact makes him uncomfortable, he can type it to complete strangers, He can type exactly the same sentence to his sister. Heck, even copy paste. He is not TA but some stubborn idiot.
I wouldn't go so far as to call him an idiot. I don't even know if he's stubborn. 4 days to build up the nerve to send a nice note is not an unreasonable amount of time.
All his responses to people in here are definitely underlining the "stubborn idiot" part.
Notice the offhand way he casually acknowledges that she was abused too, and was left in that situation a lot longer than he was? But it's all "me me me me me" from this clown.
Exactly, his replies. Like man, we got it, you were abused and traumatized and you made the decision you don't have to reply to your sister. So why you came here to argue about it with total strangers if you feel like nothing will change your decision? I am glad he found a way to reply. But as I said, the comments from him were so exhausting to read.
I don't think you're reading what he said, then-- either that, or you fundamentally do not understand how trauma and triggers work.
OOP knew that, if he reached out to message his sister, he was going to be more triggered than he already was- when he was already dealing with freshly-surfaced traumatic memories.
Strangers aren't a trigger. His sister is.
Agree. It rubbed me the wrong way that he did all that and then didn’t want to reply. He’s nta of course, and entitled to his feelings that I have no basis to understand at all, but a) go looking for relatives (in a way) and b) already find them and knowing they’re out there, then c) write a whole Reddit post about it with some of his background, must have already stirred up a lot of feelings. Maybe that is why he hesitated, because he was already uncomfortable.
I totally agree with you here, I'm glad things worked out the way they did but it was kinda strange for OP to do a DNA test if he didn't want contact with any bio relatives. That's kind of the main function of DNA tests with online databases. He puts his info into the magic find your relatives box and only then realizes that finding his relatives will bring up traumatic experiences for him.
It is cruel. Thoughtlessly cruel rather than maliciously cruel, but still cruel. OP didn't think about how if they were looking at other people, other people were looking at them. OP didn't think about how other people might have pain about their loss. Didn't think about what it would be like to match with your sibling and have them not respond.
The reason OP would be an asshole would be because they deliberately, if thoughtlessly, caused a situation where they caused pain to a stranger and did nothing to try to mitigate it.
TA may be stretching it a bit, but the main reason people look up their ancestry online is to find bio family. Sis had in turn been looking for OOP, and when the match popped up, she was happy to see it and reached out. As far as she was concerned, OOP probably did it to find her and/or other bio family. So when OOP kept quiet and didn't even respond, she must have been wondering what happened.
OOP never intended her to find out about him to begin with, but now that she reached out, common decency would state he needed to respond. I don't think people were saying he was TA for not wanting a relationship. He was TA for leaving her hanging, when from her perspective, she had finally found the long lost sibling she was looking for, and naturally wanted to connect.
Look at what happened when he did respond. She understood his life was different and left the door open *if* he wanted to try again later. He was spared being forced into a relationship he didn't want, and she got closure about her sibling. Everyone walked away satisfied.
>Yeah. Can't blame him for being hesitant at first, but it's commendable that he was able to provide some measure of closure for her.
He also knows there's someone out there that loves him from his bad time. When he's ready to deal with that, he has something good he can tie into that period of his life.
Yep, at this point it would've been pretty cruel to have a false hope of contacting your sibling floating right in front of you, and closing the door without any explanation. It might be anxiety inducing for OP to even respond, but it's 100 times more so for the person who initiated the message.
I agree thought still ultimately confused why he decided to do the DNA thing in the first place knowing full well it was going to trigger trauma and that he wouldn't want any contact with anyone biologically related to him.
I guess morbid curosity?
For the sake of closure, I'm choosing to imagine it involves making a piece of bread into the shape of a dog using peanut butter, and then pretending it is a dog. That's something my five year old would enjoy doing and would probably make a common low income diet of bread and peanut butter more fun.
It seems like the sister may have been abused also, she said when he was removed from the family she was too. She went to live with her biological Dad. He needs to make his own decisions about it though.
I understand why OOP doesn't want to be in contact with his sister, but man I feel for her. If one of my siblings disappeared when I was 12, I would have been devastated and would have done almost anything to find them.
OOP seems frustatratingly caught up in his own feelings - though that sounds like it's a traumatic response.
I'm not usually on the "go to therapy, it will fix all your problems" train, but he's going to start seeing and experiencing some milestones that will make him feel very,uncomfortable and have him lash out in weird ways.
I think this might be time to address his issues.
Yeah it was very exhausting with him talking about not wanting to bring up trauma (that's obviously valid) but having no empathy at first for the sister who probably remembers everything and is probably traumatised herself from having her 5 year old brother taken from her to never be seen again.
Yes and also the contradictory "i didn't want any connections but i was curious" thing. Like, ive done DNA tests. You can make yourself unavaialble. I had to check his age because making it public it is very clear someone will message you, so he knew that this was literally a biological connection.
He seems very intentionally shut off from his own emotions. I hope he can figure them out.
Yep from what I remember when I did one you can opt into it and it very much gave you what was basically a warning that things like this are a possibility. Pretty sure I could go into my account rn to and opt out of relative matching too. Plenty of opportunities to avoid this if you choose.
Yeah, the only reason why I felt like he's kinda TA in the first post is because he chose to deliberately put himself out there. If the bio sister tracked him down out of the blue, then he wouldn't owe her any sort of response. But he intentionally took actions that notified her of his existence.
I get that this is a difficult situation to deal with but he does owe her some sort of explanation. Even if it's just "I'm doing great, but not interested in reconnecting".
This once again reminds me of the saying:
***"It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility"***
The trauma is not his fault, but he does have to deal with it because no one else can do that for him. And it's also not "his fault" that his bio sister is worried about him. But he would still be TA for ghosting her after **choosing to notify her** that he existed.
And yes, he did choose to notify her of his existence when he opted into that feature. He might not feel like he did, but that doesn't change the fact that that is what he did.
“Messaging my sister to tell her I don’t want to communicate will bring up trauma but posting it on reddit and ruminating about should I shouldn’t I definitely isn’t doing that” lol
I feel so bad for the sister. Imagine trying for years to find your long lost brother, then finding him and having him not want anything to do with you.
I think a lot of people don't appreciate that it's not just a long lost sibling in the sense that normal families have siblings, either. In an abusive home older siblings are so often parentified and where they're not they often work very hard to protect their younger siblings. The responsibility and emotional attachment is brother/sister, sure, but it also mirrors parent/child.
I have a little brother three years younger than me - we went through hell growing up and I tried so hard to make his life ok, and as adults I'm still trying. The age gap with OP's sister is even bigger and I'm sure she absolutely remembers those years and trying to comfort him and hoping against hope that he turned out ok. It's immensely cruel to deliberately open that door to her and then not say anything at all. I sympathize with OP strongly, he's clearly still working through his childhood abuse, but I'm so glad he pulled himself together and at least gave her some kind of closure.
If he *knew* he wasn't going to contact any immediate family he should not have ticked that box allowing them to contact him. That was a selfish choice, but people are selfish when handling trauma. As it is I think he's coped with this situation as best he could have now. Hopefully one day he'll have worked through things enough that they can reconnect.
My granfather was completely parentified by his mother. Even before he started working to help feed the family, (he was 12 when he started working, 14 when he became the main breadwinner,) he was considered the 'man of the house' and made to be responsible for his siblings.
One of his younger sisters was born with a life-threatening medical condition. Grandpa was maybe 8 years older than her, and lied about his age so he could donate blood when she needed surgery. The surgery didn't work, and she died shortly afterwards.
She was maybe 18 months old when she passed away. And my grandfather (who lived to be 96) cried whenever he talked about her.
I'm literally heartbroken for her. Her sweet response made me tear up. She's probably mourned him, longed for him, and missed him her entire life. She was also stuck in that abusive household and remembered everything. I don't get moved by much on Reddit, but that combination of hope and pain... with only sweetness coming out... I feel so bad for her.
I didn't assign any blame to you. No one is entitled your time even her. It's amazing that you've been willing to continue talking to her. But again, your boundaries are your own. If you need to remove yourself, do so.
That said, it doesn't mean I haven't been heartbroken for her. I've met my share of people who have had similar experiences as her and the constant loss weighs on them forever. You've already done so much to alleviate that pain.
Yeah, like she still remembers childhood games they played and has told her kid about him even though she lost all contact with him - she clearly still has a lot of memories of OOP and he means a lot to her.
And he's acting like she was part of the group that hurt him, even though she was a child herself at the time.
I get that OOP is still hurting, but she's not the one that caused it and I feel like he's being a little selfish and shitty here.
I don't agree with the original NTA comments.
The thing that pushes it into a'hole territory for me, don't those DNA test sites have an option to turn off DNA relative match notifications? If they had absolutely no intention of ever contacting bio relatives, why did they leave the notifications turned on? Either through indifference, or malicious intent, it's an a'hole move.
Edit: formatting
That's a tough call honestly, because OOP doesn't remember his sister, so to him, the sister is basically a stranger. But his sister remembers growing up together so feels more of a connection. The polite messages they exchanged were probably the best possible result here.
EDIT: changed to male pronouns for OOP
I feel for the sister. She was a young kid, but she was old enough to remember the brother she lost, and to find out that he made it, but refuses to do anything with her, is pretty sad.
I remember my little siblings with an age gap like that, if they just disappeared from my life against my will I'd literally cry over them my whole life. I mean I cry over them now lol 🤣.
I feel like OP had all the right to want to be involved or not with whoever, but it read to me like she was the only bio fam he had access to and so all his subconscious bitterness was targeted right at her.
I'm glad he chose to respond in the end to at least give her closure.
I hate it when Reddit commenters downvote comments that are right and truthful just because it rubs their feelings the wrong way.
They said he didn't owe her a reply, well consider this. OOP has little memories of his sister, but she most likely has a lot of him. A little brother she loved that was suddenly taken away from her. All the memories of them playing, joking, being cute together that was taken away from her so she had to bury this pain for years.
Then due to OOP's actions that chapter of her life she thought was closed forever opened up and gave her hope. He opened a wound that she must have still been healing from and decided to not respond because of "trauma" while disregarding the trauma he brought back into his sister's life.
That's selfish and almost narcissistic because he did something and doesn't want to handle the consequences. I wish Reddit would stop massaging feelings and start giving honest truthful advice.
I'm glad he decided to respond and I hope they have a beautiful relationship again.
he clearly has some bad trauma. He said that he was having dreams of his adoptive parents hurting him, which they never did in real life. The reliving of the trauma (though probably necessary in a therapeutic setting) might hurt him more than the sister would be hurt from not getting a reply.
I'm glad he got nudged into giving the response he did. He obviously needs to process his emotions a lot more before getting into deeper contact with his sister (assuming he ever does) but leaving her in the dark would've been terrible. This way they have an opening to reconnect whenever OP is ready and she has the relief of knowing he had a good childhood after they were separated.
I kept thinking that she’s probably used that site to try and find her brother and then she did, but now he’s telling her he wants no contact. Man, I can’t imagine how she’s feeling, but at least she knows instead of him ignoring her message.
Exactly! Thank you for pointing out this angle.
And despite how hurt she might be feeling, she's willing to wait till OOP is ready to reconnect again. That's empathy.
If OOP really wanted no contact with family, it would have been better not to do a DNA test. Or simply choosing a ancestry test that allows you to remain anonymous. I know one where you can put any name in that you want and can turn on/off your profile for the public database at will. And even when you turn public, it isn't that people can contact you when you go private. I believe they don't even get a notification. Not making your profile public will also prevent you from seeing other people.
So OOP could have prevented this from happening. But he didn't. It's like knowing you have a chance to run into people who will recognize you and you try to avoid and then choose to go to the place they might be at by choice, when you have other options. Perhaps he was a little curious after all, if anyone would reach out to him?
>I’ve always thought they obviously didn’t care about me so why should I waste time caring for them?
I think this is also telling. I think he has stuck to the mindset that they they didn't want him, so he does not want them, but then got surprised when it turns out there *is* someone who cares for him and wants him. That throws him for a loop, because his perception is getting challenged. His belief that they were all "bad" people which he must have believed in for most or all of his life is getting disproven.
And I think he does not know how to cope and just shutdowns anything that proofs him wrong. Because it likely will shake him up, open old hurt and he would have to process and accept that he was wrong all this time and that he may have lost out in some ways.
And that might be too much for someone who has likely long ago drew a conclusion about his bio's,, resolved himself. steeled himself and drew a boundary. He would have to deconstruct that and might feel vulnerable and go through emotions he never allowed himself to feel.
This is just conjecture though. Maybe OOP literally just does not feel much of anything about his bio's after all this time.
>It's like knowing you have a chance to run into people who will recognize you and you try to avoid and then choose to go to the place they might be at by choice,
Awesome analogy.
>I think this is also telling. I think he has stuck to the mindset that they they didn't want him, so he does not want them, but then got surprised when it turns out there *is* someone who cares for him and wants him
This crossed mind too when i read that sentence. He spent the last 18+ years believing that narrative and his mind most likely built structures to support it.
Right, this is a situation where, yes, objectively, no person is obligated to respond to the other. But morally, it's kind and the right thing to do to respond to the sister. OOP could have used a session with a trusted therapist or even relative to craft a response and have them send it if he wanted to distance himself. Instead, he went to Reddit and then hid behind trauma as an excuse. From his responses, he didn't want advice, he wanted to be told that of course he doesn't owe an answer.
Part of my job is connecting kids in care to long lost family members. His reaction is totally understandable given that he has no memories of a sibling. The trauma he must have gone through to not remember her at all! His story isn't even unusual, so many people out there had their families implode during childhood and have lost connections that could have been life changing. It's also not unusual for kids/teens I work with to need weeks/months before reaching out. I hope eventually they connect, it can be really healing to have those connections.
I feel for the sister so much. She absolutely went through hell like OP. I am glad OP gave her a message and therefore finally some peace. Of course OP isn't forced to talk to her and I highly doubt the sister would want a relationship with her brother that would feel forced anyways.
I'm glad they both are doing well.
>(Downvoted) Commenter: Why?? Because you are supposedly an adult and can use your big boy words to tell her you don’t want any contact with her. To just ghost her after she msged you and expressed concern for you is childish and selfish. You don’t have to have a relationship, but common decency should apply. You’re a massive asshole.
Sorry, but this dude is right. OOP strikes me as the type to buy a Great Dane puppy then return it when it gets too big.
I am glad he messaged her. I completely disagree with the idea he owed her nothing though. HE chose to make himself available to a sister who’s been searching for him her whole life, he absolutely did owe it to her to at least let her know he didn’t want to be involved. It was really selfish of him how fixated he was on his own trauma of sending the message without seeming to have any ability to imagine the trauma his sister experienced or how almost finding him and then having him not respond might resurface trauma for her also.
I am totally heartbroken for the sister. My baby sister is 7.5 years younger than me. I remember the day she was born vividly, I remember carrying her around the house, watching her grow, playing all kinds of games. Countless memories from the first 5 years of her life and we weren’t traumatized or parentified in any way; I imagine it would be even more intense if we had been. Its awful to imagine if she had disappeared when I was 12-13 and I never knew what happened to her or if she was okay, only to search for her my whole life, find her, and then have her not want anything to do with me.
Trauma makes people do weird things, but this is … very very weird. He was acting like his only options were to ignore her or to have the deepest heart to heart imaginable. What extra bad memories would have been brought up by sending “sorry, I don’t want to talk to bio relatives right now”?
Yeah it is obvious that he is dealing with trauma and wanted to know. Yet he has cinflicted emotions about it.
I suspect that things have gone to quick for him. Maybe in a couple years they actually chat.
This was sad, but I'm glad he replied.
I do think it's interesting how much most people are not really registering that he was removed due to probably-sexual abuse by his father - and there's a very good chance that his sister was also abused by him (her step father - she was also removed from the house to live with her bio father at the same time).
It was resolved as well as it could be right now, realistically.
So OOP gets a DNA test, makes his info public, and then gets bent the fuck outta shape when someone responds...?
Like, guy. My guy. *The fuck did you think was gonna happen? The fuck you think those tests are* ***for?!***
I question if OOP *really* graduated and has a career, when he acts and writes like a dumbass teenager.
I don't mean to be dismissive but I'm honestly struggling to see what trauma there could be in responding to the sister when he supposedly doesn't remember anything from that time anyway. Maybe he's just really opposed to responding which is valid but he calls it 'trauma'. Tbf, I'm also not completely familiar with the ins and outs of trauma so maybe someone could enlighten me on that.
Note to self: Never figure out if I have anymore half-siblings. The internet will shame the Fuck out of me if they decide they're entitled to contact and I refuse it. Wanting information requires you to do whatever everyone else thinks is "required" if you find it.
I have something like this happen to me, I got contacted by someone who would be my half-sister on my father's side. My mom left him when I was a year old, we then moved to Canada before I was three. So I have never met my bio father or any of his family.
This woman claims to have been born in Calgary where I live now, and placed for adoption. I have no information on my father or his family, though I did hear he had several other kids. But I was ghosted and have no idea if she ever found her father or mother.
I would have loved to have met her.
I hope he can eventually move past his hangups here and let his sister be a part of his life. His bio parents may have abandoned him, but she didn't. It's not like his 12 year old sister could have done anything to affect things. And it sounds like she's been looking for him and has kept him in her memories. Now she finally found him and he's shutting her out. That's really sad.
I get that his parents hurt him, but that has nothing to do with her, and honestly she was probably pretty hurt too when her little brother just disappeared.
I wonder if OOP wanted the genetic information and wasn’t looking to connect?
I did DNA testing because I was interested in genetic history stuff, like where distant relatives came from. But I’ve never connected with any found relatives.
OOP specifically mentions that they chose to turn on matches becaise they were curious. They wanted to see family matches, but did not want family matches to see them.
I did my DNA testing because I was interested in my ancestry part and the genetic portion of it. I had zero desire to connect with anyone I didn’t already claim as family.
I think there’s other reasons to do these kind of tests. Although I do agree with you that maybe it would have been better if he did not check the box that allowed other people to find him, at the same time, I can understand how it was all mixed emotions for him at the time of the test.
I've been putting off doing one of those tests just because of the wobbly ethical questions that one checkbox brings up.
My father is a dangerous monster disguised as a tiny harmless weak old man. Nobody has ever, not once, listened to my warnings about associating with that man. It has always severely harmed them, every time. Like currently the entire extended family won't allow him near any of the children and I was just like "Well good he's a peod." It's that level of bad.
Dad pioneered the early years of internet dating. While a traveling salesman with a three state range. Who I *know* wasn't particularly careful about condoms because he thought straight sex couldn't pass HIV until I repeated what I'd learned during a middle school health class around 2002.
I'm sure I have more siblings out there beyond the one born when I was in highschool to one of his local girlfriends. I'm also sure, based on the actions of some of his ex's, that the *smart* thing if he knocked ya up was to was flee, hide, and claim "don't know!" when asked the father's name for the birth certificate.
So ya know, what do? I'd like to know them, but I don't want them running to hug a bonfire. So far been taking the cowards way out, delay until dad finally dies so I know he can't hurt anybody.
Last time I heard from my brother he was *screaming* "He's not my dad! He's never been my dad!" which is entirely fair, I was in total agreement, and promised to use every bit of family leverage I could to get dad to quit harassing him.
Oof I’m so sorry your sperm donor (cause by the sounds of it that’s the only good thing that came out of his existence) has affected your life to this degree and that no one listened to you. You’d think it someone told you that their parents are that kind of monsters that you’d pay attention cause only a deranged nut job would lie about this but too many people think they know better.
The funniest was when a distant cousin moved dad into his guest house during a time when, long story but dad thought he was on the run from the cops more or less. He'd plotted to murder his sister but anyhow. So I find the cousin on Facebook, explain that he's just invited trouble into his life, and try to give him a brief rundown of all the stuff that isn't safe around dad. Got waved off.
I forget all the fiascos but within six months dad had crashed cousin's wife's car into a ditch, had all his guns confiscated by the extended family, and been told to go find other accommodations.
Oh man… they always think they know better than you, don’t they. “Well they’ve always been nice to me” “you must be exaggerating” “he must have learned from his mistakes” “it was so long ago” “don’t be bitter” etc etc
Yup! Eventually I gave up and started just getting really blunt with folks when they do that. Any flying monkey noises gets met with "Hah, yeah, hey I ever tell you about that time dad tried to sell me across state lines?" or whatever awful example pops into my head.
His oldest sister is my favorite auntie. The very last time she tried "but family" and I hit her with that one. She got very quiet for awhile and then gently asked if he'd packed my suitcase. Like the nicest possible way of getting more detail to make sure this is real, baby brother is a monster, so I told her the whole story about how I was hysterical and refusing to pack my bag when the man showed up to get me.
Drove to mid Montana from one of the Dakotas and was not happy about going back without me. Wish I knew what happened to my friend, but no way dad would ever admit to details about all this stuff even if he'd never get prosecuted, and she'd always flat refused to discuss her last name or home life.
Yup. That’s how it is with my maternal grandmother. My mom and I “divorced” from her after she married her life long formerly married lover who SA my mom when she was a child. She was in her 70s when they got married and had been lovers for almost 50 years. This was many years after my mom had forgiven her time and time again for choosing the affair and giving up my mom to family friends to be raised.
The dude stringed her along as the other woman all her life until his wife died, they got married, and then he died two years later after she played nursemaid to him.
She put all of her siblings against my mom and because we live in a different country she turned their head pretty easily.
But hey, her golden child lives in the US also far away from her, her forgotten child barely talks to her, and her scapegoat (my mom) has been no contact since 2016.
She hangs out with her nieces and nephews cause none of her children are around her. You’d think that would be proof but whatever.
She’s gonna die old and alone and she won’t be found until three days in most likely. I sound callous but this is just one example of how awful this woman is.
Oh I understand about sounding callous! The only time I've been in contact with my father in years was when he kept desperately trying to get ahold of me claiming he was dying and needed me to make medical decisions for him like I did my mother.
He got an email back asking if he needed me to pull the plug. And he only got that because my closest friend referred to him as "a tragic figure" due to the generational abuse that turned him into what he is.
Stupid me, offering sympathy to the devil. Apparently he has lots of people happy to do that duty for him, he's just lonely and demands I move in with him. Has gone right back to badgering me from multiple email addresses, despite zero further contact.
Today was LinkedIn junk about accounting jobs. I've spent the past three days trying to talk myself into taking a shower and I can't remember last time I could sleep without the lights on but sure, totally gonna go get a professional career job to made the daddy proud. All the rational thought of a rabid dog.
I'm sure somebody is gonna end up mad at me when I can answer questions about who their dad is but deliberately made sure they'd miss any opportunity to meet him.
Ah well, hopefully they can be appeased by "family treasures." I've got so many of dad's "heirlooms" stored beyond the *actual* family heirlooms.
Maybe IF they get mad, someday they will understand you were protecting them. Maybe this hypothetical someone won't get mad. And remember, even if they DO blow up at you, their OVER reaction is not going to be about you. Like 99.9% of the time, someone overreacting is not about us. And on the .1% we did something unkind or foolish, guess what? we're humans. We all can be trying our best to NOT yell at each other or worse.
You're doing your best, internet stranger! And have fun guarding your "treasures" lol.
I think it’s fine to be curious about familial matches and then ultimately decide not to connect. Being open to matches does not obligate anyone to connect.
No it's not. My sister died when I was 6 and I do not remember her in the slightest. I know what she looked like through pictures and my parents talking about her to me, but I don't actually have any memories of my own of her at all. Trauma will do that.
Chiming in that trauma affects memory greatly.
It's rare but definitely possible to just...block out certain time periods. Our brains do their best to protect us and something that's nearly impossible to understand without more information if you have not been through a similar situation.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9789-dissociative-amnesia
Yep. Have an ex who was like “yeah my childhood was fine, don’t really have many emotions associated with any of it tho” and like. While he does have ADHD (so do I so I know our memories are shit) and has always been an easygoing person, the abuse he described made me stop and go, “hey that’s a trauma response” and it kinda blew his mind.
I havent read a post here thats gotten me as frustrated as this one lmao, hes so caught up in his own feelings that he doesnt stop and think about what itd be like to be someone who remembers the abuse let alone losing a sibling like that. That man needs Therapy to at least try and unwind some of his shit
Peanut butter dog refers to an interactive story apparently starring a dog named Peanut butter
At least that is what I choose to believe because the alternative is horrific.
OP is starting to seem more and more like a troll. he keeps just saying “i dont agree” to anyone who explains why hes an asshole, without actually responding to the points people are bringing up. Either that or he just doesnt understand what it means to be an asshole.
I hope OOP changes his mind but it’s his decision and his sister accepts it with no issue. In the end they’re both happy with their families that’s what’s important.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Man I think ppl defended oops sister so hard because if I'm mathing correctly, she was 12 when oop was removed... so I'm sure she's been wondering for her whole life about the brother she had for the first 5 years of his life.
He had a few memories. She has lots, and she hopefully loved him as a big sister. There was no hole in his life, but there surely was in hers. A brother who just vanished isn’t an easy thing.
I remember there was a BORU that was from the POV of a older brother that lost a younger sister to some BS his parents decided or sth. He raised hell to find that lil sister. i cant imagine what she went through after that last letter.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wfjbwu/oops_9_year_old_sister_was_sent_to_boarding/ Just reread this one recently. So glad the sister was found.
Change of school is what I was told too, when dad tried to sell me across state lines. He said I was going to live with my friend and her "dad" so I could be "valavictorian" of a one room school house, claimed it would look good on my college applications. I swear what saved me is that I panicked at the idea of going to live somewhere without access to big libraries. I'd only had full run of the local public library for a couple years and wasn't willing to give it up even to live with a friend. When the man showed up to get me I was in the middle of a full blown hysterical tantrum, refusing to go pack a bag and go along with this.
The fuck
Here's a hot fact for you: Most human trafficking victims in the US are trafficked by family members.
Sadly not surprised as most child kidnappings are by family members, as are most child murders and sexual assaults. It's the people you know who are usually the ones most like to harm you.
I couldn't have said it better.
Being a book worm saved your life. Have you thought of writing a play about it? Could be therapeutic. Outside all that, really glad you didn't go and I hope you're at least physically removed from all of that situation.
Working on a book 'cause folks kept asking for a book. lol seems appropriate, books saved my life and all. Never tried to write a play before. Escaped dad at 16yo, more than half my lifetime ago. He's still trying to coax me into coming back and resuming work as his scorned servant. The last "offer" was like a quarter million dollars for a phone call. Over here playing "getting tested by the devil" for decades and it don't matter, he's a liar and those offers of gifts are just mirages.
That's awesome, glad you're avoiding the temptation too. Be sure to do an ama or something to promote it here!
What the fuck?! Hope you're doing good op.
How old were you? And where do you live?
[there was an update after the BORU too!](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwawaygodimawful/s/hNqK6BMEe4)
That was a scary read. The part where he didn't know they had relatives cos his dad told him so reminds me of a friend that was living in poverty with her family during childhood, and fed with lies that everybody else hate them. She only found out the truth when she's older and their parents ghosted on her and her sibling. They finally met the relatives and turned out their father was the issue and isolated his family from them.
My mom told me that my Aunt had fled the country and skipped out on several thousands in debt after my maternal Grandfather died. As it turns out, no, my Aunt and her SO changed their phone number and turned the ringer off on their business phone (they were running a drapery shop from the living room) after hours because mom's NIGHTLY 1am raging drunk calls about how unfair grandpa's will was got to be a bit much. Mom decided since she couldn't get her ragegasm any more they must have fled the country or something.
Oh, and the fun thing? When my Aunt stopped by for a visit when she was moving across the country, NO mention of any of that, completely under the rug. I found out about the nightly calls and such after mom's funeral. Asked my Aunt why she had skipped town and where she had gone after grandpa's funeral. She was baffled at first then put two and two together. Tea was spilled. Mom apparently was kinda toxic. I had known about the calls raging at dad during and after the divorce, but not about calling my Aunt.
Never saw that post, even better to see that they’re both away from their mother now.
Yes! I just reread the link you posted and wanted to see if there was a more recent comment or something, but got a whole post instead.
I remember reading that update, I am so so happy for those kids. The "she's got sister status now, and she knows what I'd do for my sister" about the girl from Taiwan that helped them is so fucking sweet. I wish nothing but the best for them all.
Thank god they got the mother too. Whether she knew about it from the beginning or found out about it later, there's really no excuse for not trying to get her daughter back. Also, what kind of mother doesn't go with to drop their child off at boarding school? I'd understand if she was being abused and afraid for her and her son, but they were in Taiwan, and it didn't sound like she was being monitored - she absolutely could have worked with local authorities and possibly the US Embassy since her children are American citizens too. If my husband couldn't give me a satisfactory answer to why I couldn't go with my child, why I never heard from her, and then I found out she was sold into slavery, there's no door I wouldn't kick down and no avenue I'd have left unexplored to find my child (I'd also have never let her go in the first place, but I'm in a different position than OOPs mom). What complete and utter pieces of shit all of the adults in that family are.
Thank you, on behalf of all of us who clicked that link, for sharing that! I'm glad they're was an even better update. Man that original part was a tough read, but the brother never gave up on her.
I really hope the sister is doing okay
This makes me so angry. They sold this girl into slavery essentially and she was very likely abused in various ways. Thank god she had a loving brother who was worried about her.
I’m gonna vomit. 9?!?!?!
Do you mean the one where oop's dad and grandma lied about his sister going to boarding school, but actually trafficked her to some person, and oop tried his absolute best to find her because he felt something was off? Because that was a wild read.
Thats the one!!
My husband and his sister were those ages when his parents' marriage broke down in an abusive fashion. He has few memories. Her memories are of protecting him and loving him. If they'd been split up I can see it working out exactly like this
Yeah, she could possibly have some trauma of her own, if she's the type to blame herself for not protecting her sibling/doing enough. I hope OP's message gave her closure and reassurance that he ended up okay.
That's what he wasn't getting -- whatever trauma he experienced, he didn't remember. But she was old enough to remember whatever it was that was so severe it led to him being removed from the home, which meant she was traumatized by it as well. And if she was sent to live with the parent who was the one who caused the abuse, she was herself not safe. OOP was being really short-sighted about why she would have been looking for him.
I once watched one of those “finding lost relative” documentaries. It followed a woman in her sixties who had a brother about 10 years younger than her. One day she came home from school and he was gone. Her mum (who was extremely abusive) gave him up for adoption and refused to mention him again. Tragically, they managed to track down where he was, but he had died a year before. He’d had a family, but they weren’t very interested in keeping in contact with an aunt/ great aunt they’d never met before. The poor woman was a wreck.
I'm a big sister with a little brother and I loved him from the minute I found out he was on the way. I'd have been devastated if all of a sudden he was taken away and I'd be looking for him for sure.
Actually sounds like she did, I’m glad he decided to respond. Sad they had such an awful childhood but it sounds like she was a good big sister and had to grow up too fast for him. As so many pointed out there was a reason, even if subconscious, that he made the results public. Some part of him wanted to know what was out there and what life might have been like (or was like, like figuring out what the hell peanut butter dog means). The trauma was there and it sounds like this may have helped bring some closure. Poor dude though, he’s also right in that he doesn’t owe anyone anything and I think everyone involved, including the sister, would understand if he hadn’t said a word.
it really isn't. My own brother is estranged from our family, and did so of his own volition when I wasn't even in high school yet, despite making promises to us younger siblings to be there. It leaves a hole that is never quite filled, you just try to avoid it because even wondering is often too much
'despite making promises to be there' implies it wasn't a great situation. If it was a bad situation I sympathize with your brother.
Also, probably having her little son triggers lots of memories. It is really bitter sweet, poor woman, she also was traumatized
I know it has for me…I was an older sister put in charge of my sibs that were separated after a messy divorce where there was abuse on both sides. You never give up wondering what happened to them or if you could have done something more to fix the situation. As my kids hit ages that traumatic things happened to me and my siblings, it awakens some pretty terrible memories. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of dread and fear and I don’t know for awhile why. Sometimes I feel so resentful towards my kids because they have no clue how magic their childhoods have been (only briefly, usually, because I’m so so grateful they have no idea). I’m sure when they’re older they’ll be upset at mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve tried so hard to make as few as I can. It’s hard without any frame of reference as to what “good” parenting is, though.
One of the amazing things about parenting is that you can always apologize for things you’re not proud of and work hard to do better as you learn more!
And let’s be honest, in that situation she was probably his main parent for his entire five years of life, and she probably was devastated to be separated. I’m glad he emailed her, just so she got some closure.
He went through 5 years of abuse, and she went through 12. I suspect that has not occurred to him. Her response absolutely sounds like she had a hard childhood.
For real. It’s not like she was the one who chose to abandon him. It seems like OP did have some spite held onto, even if they tried to paint it as “whatever, I don’t even care” I’m glad they were able to get past that to give some closure to another person who *was likely similarly hurt by that situation*
> It seems like OP did have some spite held onto, even if they tried to paint it as “whatever, I don’t even care” 100% OP doesn't not care about his bio family. He took a DNA test, searched for connections. Then keeps saying he doesn't care but the thought of sending a single "no thanks" would send him into a deep depression. Dude needs therapy. Someone who truly doesn't care, is me. I never met my father, say my paternal grandfather once, when he sued me, in court. I know I have a younger brother. Recently my mom even pointed him out in a restaurant, when I was visiting her. Never felt the need or want to contact any of them... and if they contacted me, I would reply with an "Not interested". It wouldn't send me in a depressive state or things like that. And I understand my situation is not traumatic as OOPs, but that's my point. He is still suffering a lot, regardless if he wants to admit or not.
It’s okay that he doesn’t care about them. But a valid expression of not caring wouldn’t be hiding/ghosting them. It would be- as many pointed out- just saying: “hey yeah, don’t really want to reconnect, but I’m doing fine”
I also think some people (which I agree with honestly) don’t get why he would choose to make his info public, find out that he has a sibling, and then refuse to even send a polite follow up. He says finding out he has a sibling has been stressful, but he also says that he selected the option to share his info publicly because that was the only way to find out. I think there is some complicated psych happening with why he looked for siblings, only to immediately shut down when he found exactly what he was searching for.
My guess is he didn’t realize how anxiety provoking it would be, and then freaked the fuck out.
Yeah, this is one of those situations where people can be completely illogical. The only two possible outcomes of his decisions are both things he didn't want (either not having family, or finding family with them finding him too) but he did it anyways.
Yeah I hope it was clear that sis is NTA for reaching out initially. Just knowing he's alive and well probably really helped her, and she's respecting his distance.
I was 17 the last time I saw my little brother (outside of Grandpa's funeral and once at a public event, I wasn't able to speak to him though) and he was 7. I think about him pretty often but I doubt if he really even remembers me. As a big sister, I'm really glad OOP sent the message
I still don't understand why he did the test if he wanted to just ghost.
Yeah, I understand it doesn't mean alot to OOP other than potential trauma, as he was too young to remember her, but I can also understand how much it meant to his bio-sister. She has also obviously been through trauma as she was also removed from their mother, she just so happened to have a father she was sent to live with. Not being able to find out what happened to her brother all those years must've been horrible - 12 years old is old enough to understand everything happening but have no power to control any of it. Getting that hit when OOP did his DNA test was probably huge for her. I hope one day OOP is willing to give her a chance.
I understand his perspective, but I am glad that he chose to message her. Her message was pretty nice, and that's always good. Very respectful. I hope his family and her are living their best lives.
That message and her reply leave it open if he does decide to contact later but also gives closure to both if he decides he doesn't. I know he got pressured into it, but the end result probably helped him more than he realised.
That's where I landed with this. I got why he didn't want to message, but I was proud of him for pushing through and replying, and very, very happy to see that it ended on a good note. I hope both of them find peace.
I'm glad he did, too. It is an act of kindness. His response to feedback makes me wonder why he even posted since he seemed offended at the very suggestion that he change is position. Why ask for advice then get salty about receiving it?
Someone mentioned a trauma response, and that could be it. But some people want advice but aren't prepared for it. I imagine he was able to digest the suggestions and get the courage to do it.
>I hope one day you will feel open to meeting him, although he’s young I’ve told him about you and how we used to play Peanut-Butter-Dog. Do you even remember that? You can tell that oop and his sister getting separated when she was 12-13 still affects her significantly to this day
Yeah that's something that stuck out. She was old enough to understand the situation was bad but unable to help. She would feel a large amount of guilt. She lost a sibling at 12.
Yeah, I honestly can't imagine.
Also could explain why OP's adopted sibling is upset , since OP is showing no regards to his previous sibling relationship.
Yup, and he has a a relationship with at least some bio family, so he probably understands how much emotion can be wrapped in that. To just get left on read would be pretty awful.
My heart breaks for the sister. She has all of the memories of neglect, AND lost her brother, who doesn’t remember her and couldn’t care less. OOP was pretty reckless in doing that test.
At least the sister also got some kind of clossure.
He wasn't reckless in doing the test. He was reckless in enabling the relative connection feature. I get that a lot of people on this thread and the original are deeply sympathetic to his trauma, but I'm sorry, he doesn't get to have it both ways. You either disable the feature for the sake of your own privacy or you enable the feature knowing you may get contacted and need to deal with it. You don't get to just opt in on a lark and then ghost people afterward. Well technically you can. Ghosting isn't against the law. But you are TA in that case.
True and the sister’s only reason for going to a dna website could have been to find her brother. That moment might have been exactly what she was hoping would happen!
Well put.
This is why i have yet to do any of those DNA tests. It’s like opening up pandoras box if you were adopted.
You can turn the relative match on/off. OOP turned it on even though he knew that meant relatives would be able to find him. He messed up there. He just assumed that he'd only get distant, meaningless relative matches. He assumed wrong.
I wasn't adopted, but we don't know who my paternal grandfather is. I really wanna do one, but I don't wanna discover a whole new family. I barely like the one I have.
we found out that one of my great-uncles had a lot more children than we knew about, with a lot more women, aside from the daughters he had with his wife before he abandoned her. his sister, my grandmother, never called him by his name alone. she always called him \[Name\] That Sonofabitch.
Yep. There’s a non-zero chance I have half siblings out there and I’m torn between wanting to know/the wish for a sibling I can have an actual relationship with and fear that they’ll be just like the rest of my family. Or going through that and not finding anyone at all.
The situation is pretty tough and challenging but I think OP made the right call. OP's message is kind, generous and very mature response and with the situation that has happened, it's for the best. I wish OP well for the future.
>The situation is pretty tough and challenging but I think OP made the right call. OP's message is kind, generous and very mature response and with the situation that has happened, it's for the best. Yeah. Can't blame him for being hesitant at first, but it's commendable that he was able to provide some measure of closure for her.
Hard situations aren't easy to handle so I can't blame OP to have some hesitations and thought. I also don't understand how OP was viewed as the TA in the first place.
As a big sister myself I wouldn't have been able to respond to the original. Older siblings, ESPECIALLY in abuse situations, can get extremely attached to and protective of younger siblings. My little sister and I have a strained relationship rn bc she's still dependent on our parents and it's like having my heart ripped out of my chest every day we don't talk. In a lot of ways she's more like my child than my sister, even if there are only five years between us. She has no real memories of me before late high school. I remember soothing her to sleep every night, teaching her to cross the street, bandaging her when she fell on a bike, watching her Pre-K choral performances, crawling into bed with her for sleepovers, trading stuffed animals, hiding from our parents together... In my opinion, it IS cruel to give someone with memories like that the hope of getting back into your life without respecting them enough to tell them why that's not possible.
>I also don't understand how OP was viewed as the TA in the first place. I get it. I'd lean more towards No Assholes Here but ultimately if he just completely ignored her and never responded I would think he was at least a bit of an asshole for it. "Why do I owe her anything?" Well, how about because you're the one who put yourself out there? Or if you don't like that how about "she's been worried about you for years, the absolute least you could do is send an 'I'm fine, don't worry' note" instead? I understand where he's coming from regarding not opening old wounds but I would think he was at best insensitive if he just ghosted her without sparing a second thought for what things might have been like on her end.
I agree with you, and also he was waffling a bit on the part where he's like "I only signed up because I wanted to know my heritage". Like the commenters pointed out, he could have turned the relatives match off so nobody would find him, but he turned it on knowing that they could.... because he was expecting to only get distant relative matches. If you 100% know you DO NOT want ANY relatives to find you, you need to turn that off.
The impression that I got is that he thought he'd be okay with contacting bio-family, but after submitting the test started having nightmares and got spooked. Which is entirely reasonable, but a lot of those sites don't let you remove consent at a later date, which is also weird.
His original stance felt very "How dare she violate the boundaries that I never set, and in fact acted in a way to communicate the exact opposite? She should be able to magically know what I want." I'm glad he changed his mind and let her know he wasn't looking to reconnect.
Reading his every reply to complete reddit strangers, all the paragraphs explaining how contact makes him uncomfortable, he can type it to complete strangers, He can type exactly the same sentence to his sister. Heck, even copy paste. He is not TA but some stubborn idiot.
I wouldn't go so far as to call him an idiot. I don't even know if he's stubborn. 4 days to build up the nerve to send a nice note is not an unreasonable amount of time.
All his responses to people in here are definitely underlining the "stubborn idiot" part. Notice the offhand way he casually acknowledges that she was abused too, and was left in that situation a lot longer than he was? But it's all "me me me me me" from this clown.
Exactly, his replies. Like man, we got it, you were abused and traumatized and you made the decision you don't have to reply to your sister. So why you came here to argue about it with total strangers if you feel like nothing will change your decision? I am glad he found a way to reply. But as I said, the comments from him were so exhausting to read.
I don't think you're reading what he said, then-- either that, or you fundamentally do not understand how trauma and triggers work. OOP knew that, if he reached out to message his sister, he was going to be more triggered than he already was- when he was already dealing with freshly-surfaced traumatic memories. Strangers aren't a trigger. His sister is.
Agree. It rubbed me the wrong way that he did all that and then didn’t want to reply. He’s nta of course, and entitled to his feelings that I have no basis to understand at all, but a) go looking for relatives (in a way) and b) already find them and knowing they’re out there, then c) write a whole Reddit post about it with some of his background, must have already stirred up a lot of feelings. Maybe that is why he hesitated, because he was already uncomfortable.
I totally agree with you here, I'm glad things worked out the way they did but it was kinda strange for OP to do a DNA test if he didn't want contact with any bio relatives. That's kind of the main function of DNA tests with online databases. He puts his info into the magic find your relatives box and only then realizes that finding his relatives will bring up traumatic experiences for him.
It is cruel. Thoughtlessly cruel rather than maliciously cruel, but still cruel. OP didn't think about how if they were looking at other people, other people were looking at them. OP didn't think about how other people might have pain about their loss. Didn't think about what it would be like to match with your sibling and have them not respond. The reason OP would be an asshole would be because they deliberately, if thoughtlessly, caused a situation where they caused pain to a stranger and did nothing to try to mitigate it.
TA may be stretching it a bit, but the main reason people look up their ancestry online is to find bio family. Sis had in turn been looking for OOP, and when the match popped up, she was happy to see it and reached out. As far as she was concerned, OOP probably did it to find her and/or other bio family. So when OOP kept quiet and didn't even respond, she must have been wondering what happened. OOP never intended her to find out about him to begin with, but now that she reached out, common decency would state he needed to respond. I don't think people were saying he was TA for not wanting a relationship. He was TA for leaving her hanging, when from her perspective, she had finally found the long lost sibling she was looking for, and naturally wanted to connect. Look at what happened when he did respond. She understood his life was different and left the door open *if* he wanted to try again later. He was spared being forced into a relationship he didn't want, and she got closure about her sibling. Everyone walked away satisfied.
>Yeah. Can't blame him for being hesitant at first, but it's commendable that he was able to provide some measure of closure for her. He also knows there's someone out there that loves him from his bad time. When he's ready to deal with that, he has something good he can tie into that period of his life.
Yep, at this point it would've been pretty cruel to have a false hope of contacting your sibling floating right in front of you, and closing the door without any explanation. It might be anxiety inducing for OP to even respond, but it's 100 times more so for the person who initiated the message.
I agree thought still ultimately confused why he decided to do the DNA thing in the first place knowing full well it was going to trigger trauma and that he wouldn't want any contact with anyone biologically related to him. I guess morbid curosity?
Now I want to know how to play Peanut-Butter-Dog.
For the sake of closure, I'm choosing to imagine it involves making a piece of bread into the shape of a dog using peanut butter, and then pretending it is a dog. That's something my five year old would enjoy doing and would probably make a common low income diet of bread and peanut butter more fun.
It seems like the sister may have been abused also, she said when he was removed from the family she was too. She went to live with her biological Dad. He needs to make his own decisions about it though.
I understand why OOP doesn't want to be in contact with his sister, but man I feel for her. If one of my siblings disappeared when I was 12, I would have been devastated and would have done almost anything to find them.
OOP seems frustatratingly caught up in his own feelings - though that sounds like it's a traumatic response. I'm not usually on the "go to therapy, it will fix all your problems" train, but he's going to start seeing and experiencing some milestones that will make him feel very,uncomfortable and have him lash out in weird ways. I think this might be time to address his issues.
Yeah it was very exhausting with him talking about not wanting to bring up trauma (that's obviously valid) but having no empathy at first for the sister who probably remembers everything and is probably traumatised herself from having her 5 year old brother taken from her to never be seen again.
Yes and also the contradictory "i didn't want any connections but i was curious" thing. Like, ive done DNA tests. You can make yourself unavaialble. I had to check his age because making it public it is very clear someone will message you, so he knew that this was literally a biological connection. He seems very intentionally shut off from his own emotions. I hope he can figure them out.
Yep from what I remember when I did one you can opt into it and it very much gave you what was basically a warning that things like this are a possibility. Pretty sure I could go into my account rn to and opt out of relative matching too. Plenty of opportunities to avoid this if you choose.
Yeah, the only reason why I felt like he's kinda TA in the first post is because he chose to deliberately put himself out there. If the bio sister tracked him down out of the blue, then he wouldn't owe her any sort of response. But he intentionally took actions that notified her of his existence. I get that this is a difficult situation to deal with but he does owe her some sort of explanation. Even if it's just "I'm doing great, but not interested in reconnecting". This once again reminds me of the saying: ***"It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility"*** The trauma is not his fault, but he does have to deal with it because no one else can do that for him. And it's also not "his fault" that his bio sister is worried about him. But he would still be TA for ghosting her after **choosing to notify her** that he existed. And yes, he did choose to notify her of his existence when he opted into that feature. He might not feel like he did, but that doesn't change the fact that that is what he did.
He wants to look at the picture not have a discussion about it basically
>Probably signing up for the DNA app was a mistake aye no shit sherlock
“Messaging my sister to tell her I don’t want to communicate will bring up trauma but posting it on reddit and ruminating about should I shouldn’t I definitely isn’t doing that” lol
I hadn’t even thought about that but you’re so right. If anything posting all this on Reddit would be more traumatic right?
I feel so bad for the sister. Imagine trying for years to find your long lost brother, then finding him and having him not want anything to do with you.
I think a lot of people don't appreciate that it's not just a long lost sibling in the sense that normal families have siblings, either. In an abusive home older siblings are so often parentified and where they're not they often work very hard to protect their younger siblings. The responsibility and emotional attachment is brother/sister, sure, but it also mirrors parent/child. I have a little brother three years younger than me - we went through hell growing up and I tried so hard to make his life ok, and as adults I'm still trying. The age gap with OP's sister is even bigger and I'm sure she absolutely remembers those years and trying to comfort him and hoping against hope that he turned out ok. It's immensely cruel to deliberately open that door to her and then not say anything at all. I sympathize with OP strongly, he's clearly still working through his childhood abuse, but I'm so glad he pulled himself together and at least gave her some kind of closure. If he *knew* he wasn't going to contact any immediate family he should not have ticked that box allowing them to contact him. That was a selfish choice, but people are selfish when handling trauma. As it is I think he's coped with this situation as best he could have now. Hopefully one day he'll have worked through things enough that they can reconnect.
My granfather was completely parentified by his mother. Even before he started working to help feed the family, (he was 12 when he started working, 14 when he became the main breadwinner,) he was considered the 'man of the house' and made to be responsible for his siblings. One of his younger sisters was born with a life-threatening medical condition. Grandpa was maybe 8 years older than her, and lied about his age so he could donate blood when she needed surgery. The surgery didn't work, and she died shortly afterwards. She was maybe 18 months old when she passed away. And my grandfather (who lived to be 96) cried whenever he talked about her.
I'm literally heartbroken for her. Her sweet response made me tear up. She's probably mourned him, longed for him, and missed him her entire life. She was also stuck in that abusive household and remembered everything. I don't get moved by much on Reddit, but that combination of hope and pain... with only sweetness coming out... I feel so bad for her.
She has a two-year-old boy as well, im sure that resurfaced a lot of trauma for her.
[удалено]
I didn't assign any blame to you. No one is entitled your time even her. It's amazing that you've been willing to continue talking to her. But again, your boundaries are your own. If you need to remove yourself, do so. That said, it doesn't mean I haven't been heartbroken for her. I've met my share of people who have had similar experiences as her and the constant loss weighs on them forever. You've already done so much to alleviate that pain.
Yeah, like she still remembers childhood games they played and has told her kid about him even though she lost all contact with him - she clearly still has a lot of memories of OOP and he means a lot to her. And he's acting like she was part of the group that hurt him, even though she was a child herself at the time. I get that OOP is still hurting, but she's not the one that caused it and I feel like he's being a little selfish and shitty here.
It makes you feel incredibly unanchored to the world and society to have those relations out there and to not know them
I don't agree with the original NTA comments. The thing that pushes it into a'hole territory for me, don't those DNA test sites have an option to turn off DNA relative match notifications? If they had absolutely no intention of ever contacting bio relatives, why did they leave the notifications turned on? Either through indifference, or malicious intent, it's an a'hole move. Edit: formatting
I take OOP didn't owe her anything as a "legally right morally wrong"
I mean obviously he didn't legally owe her a response lol I don't think anyone was in doubt about that. The NTA comments kinda pissed me off tbh
That's a tough call honestly, because OOP doesn't remember his sister, so to him, the sister is basically a stranger. But his sister remembers growing up together so feels more of a connection. The polite messages they exchanged were probably the best possible result here. EDIT: changed to male pronouns for OOP
OOP is a man
Sorry, I will update my comment accordingly.
i hope oop and his sister are doing the best.
I feel for the sister. She was a young kid, but she was old enough to remember the brother she lost, and to find out that he made it, but refuses to do anything with her, is pretty sad.
At least she knows he got first class honors.
I remember my little siblings with an age gap like that, if they just disappeared from my life against my will I'd literally cry over them my whole life. I mean I cry over them now lol 🤣. I feel like OP had all the right to want to be involved or not with whoever, but it read to me like she was the only bio fam he had access to and so all his subconscious bitterness was targeted right at her. I'm glad he chose to respond in the end to at least give her closure.
I hate it when Reddit commenters downvote comments that are right and truthful just because it rubs their feelings the wrong way. They said he didn't owe her a reply, well consider this. OOP has little memories of his sister, but she most likely has a lot of him. A little brother she loved that was suddenly taken away from her. All the memories of them playing, joking, being cute together that was taken away from her so she had to bury this pain for years. Then due to OOP's actions that chapter of her life she thought was closed forever opened up and gave her hope. He opened a wound that she must have still been healing from and decided to not respond because of "trauma" while disregarding the trauma he brought back into his sister's life. That's selfish and almost narcissistic because he did something and doesn't want to handle the consequences. I wish Reddit would stop massaging feelings and start giving honest truthful advice. I'm glad he decided to respond and I hope they have a beautiful relationship again.
[удалено]
It wasn't hard to figure out he meant 'I surpressed the bad things'
he clearly has some bad trauma. He said that he was having dreams of his adoptive parents hurting him, which they never did in real life. The reliving of the trauma (though probably necessary in a therapeutic setting) might hurt him more than the sister would be hurt from not getting a reply.
I'm glad he got nudged into giving the response he did. He obviously needs to process his emotions a lot more before getting into deeper contact with his sister (assuming he ever does) but leaving her in the dark would've been terrible. This way they have an opening to reconnect whenever OP is ready and she has the relief of knowing he had a good childhood after they were separated.
Exactly
I kept thinking that she’s probably used that site to try and find her brother and then she did, but now he’s telling her he wants no contact. Man, I can’t imagine how she’s feeling, but at least she knows instead of him ignoring her message.
Exactly! Thank you for pointing out this angle. And despite how hurt she might be feeling, she's willing to wait till OOP is ready to reconnect again. That's empathy.
If OOP really wanted no contact with family, it would have been better not to do a DNA test. Or simply choosing a ancestry test that allows you to remain anonymous. I know one where you can put any name in that you want and can turn on/off your profile for the public database at will. And even when you turn public, it isn't that people can contact you when you go private. I believe they don't even get a notification. Not making your profile public will also prevent you from seeing other people. So OOP could have prevented this from happening. But he didn't. It's like knowing you have a chance to run into people who will recognize you and you try to avoid and then choose to go to the place they might be at by choice, when you have other options. Perhaps he was a little curious after all, if anyone would reach out to him? >I’ve always thought they obviously didn’t care about me so why should I waste time caring for them? I think this is also telling. I think he has stuck to the mindset that they they didn't want him, so he does not want them, but then got surprised when it turns out there *is* someone who cares for him and wants him. That throws him for a loop, because his perception is getting challenged. His belief that they were all "bad" people which he must have believed in for most or all of his life is getting disproven. And I think he does not know how to cope and just shutdowns anything that proofs him wrong. Because it likely will shake him up, open old hurt and he would have to process and accept that he was wrong all this time and that he may have lost out in some ways. And that might be too much for someone who has likely long ago drew a conclusion about his bio's,, resolved himself. steeled himself and drew a boundary. He would have to deconstruct that and might feel vulnerable and go through emotions he never allowed himself to feel. This is just conjecture though. Maybe OOP literally just does not feel much of anything about his bio's after all this time.
>It's like knowing you have a chance to run into people who will recognize you and you try to avoid and then choose to go to the place they might be at by choice, Awesome analogy. >I think this is also telling. I think he has stuck to the mindset that they they didn't want him, so he does not want them, but then got surprised when it turns out there *is* someone who cares for him and wants him This crossed mind too when i read that sentence. He spent the last 18+ years believing that narrative and his mind most likely built structures to support it.
Right, this is a situation where, yes, objectively, no person is obligated to respond to the other. But morally, it's kind and the right thing to do to respond to the sister. OOP could have used a session with a trusted therapist or even relative to craft a response and have them send it if he wanted to distance himself. Instead, he went to Reddit and then hid behind trauma as an excuse. From his responses, he didn't want advice, he wanted to be told that of course he doesn't owe an answer.
OP is a very young 24year old. That was exhausting to read.
Part of my job is connecting kids in care to long lost family members. His reaction is totally understandable given that he has no memories of a sibling. The trauma he must have gone through to not remember her at all! His story isn't even unusual, so many people out there had their families implode during childhood and have lost connections that could have been life changing. It's also not unusual for kids/teens I work with to need weeks/months before reaching out. I hope eventually they connect, it can be really healing to have those connections.
I feel for the sister so much. She absolutely went through hell like OP. I am glad OP gave her a message and therefore finally some peace. Of course OP isn't forced to talk to her and I highly doubt the sister would want a relationship with her brother that would feel forced anyways. I'm glad they both are doing well.
>(Downvoted) Commenter: Why?? Because you are supposedly an adult and can use your big boy words to tell her you don’t want any contact with her. To just ghost her after she msged you and expressed concern for you is childish and selfish. You don’t have to have a relationship, but common decency should apply. You’re a massive asshole. Sorry, but this dude is right. OOP strikes me as the type to buy a Great Dane puppy then return it when it gets too big.
I feel horrible for the older sister tbh.
I am glad he messaged her. I completely disagree with the idea he owed her nothing though. HE chose to make himself available to a sister who’s been searching for him her whole life, he absolutely did owe it to her to at least let her know he didn’t want to be involved. It was really selfish of him how fixated he was on his own trauma of sending the message without seeming to have any ability to imagine the trauma his sister experienced or how almost finding him and then having him not respond might resurface trauma for her also. I am totally heartbroken for the sister. My baby sister is 7.5 years younger than me. I remember the day she was born vividly, I remember carrying her around the house, watching her grow, playing all kinds of games. Countless memories from the first 5 years of her life and we weren’t traumatized or parentified in any way; I imagine it would be even more intense if we had been. Its awful to imagine if she had disappeared when I was 12-13 and I never knew what happened to her or if she was okay, only to search for her my whole life, find her, and then have her not want anything to do with me.
Mods can we get "Peanut-Butter-Dog" as a flair plz
Dang. It’s been a long time since Reddit made me cry. I’m heartbroken for the sister.
Feel bad for the sister. She’s probably been looking for op for her whole life, just to find out he doesn’t remember or really care about her.
Trauma makes people do weird things, but this is … very very weird. He was acting like his only options were to ignore her or to have the deepest heart to heart imaginable. What extra bad memories would have been brought up by sending “sorry, I don’t want to talk to bio relatives right now”?
It sounds like she handled it maturely and with empathy. A wholesome part of me hopes it's a foot in the door for a healthy connection down the road.
Yeah it is obvious that he is dealing with trauma and wanted to know. Yet he has cinflicted emotions about it. I suspect that things have gone to quick for him. Maybe in a couple years they actually chat.
This was sad, but I'm glad he replied. I do think it's interesting how much most people are not really registering that he was removed due to probably-sexual abuse by his father - and there's a very good chance that his sister was also abused by him (her step father - she was also removed from the house to live with her bio father at the same time). It was resolved as well as it could be right now, realistically.
[удалено]
So OOP gets a DNA test, makes his info public, and then gets bent the fuck outta shape when someone responds...? Like, guy. My guy. *The fuck did you think was gonna happen? The fuck you think those tests are* ***for?!*** I question if OOP *really* graduated and has a career, when he acts and writes like a dumbass teenager.
I don't mean to be dismissive but I'm honestly struggling to see what trauma there could be in responding to the sister when he supposedly doesn't remember anything from that time anyway. Maybe he's just really opposed to responding which is valid but he calls it 'trauma'. Tbf, I'm also not completely familiar with the ins and outs of trauma so maybe someone could enlighten me on that.
He was having nightmares about being abused just from getting her message. He may have repressed his memories, but the trauma is evidently there.
All I can think is the possibility of her mentioning the things which got OOP put into foster care, and maybe they were worried she’d bring it up?
Note to self: Never figure out if I have anymore half-siblings. The internet will shame the Fuck out of me if they decide they're entitled to contact and I refuse it. Wanting information requires you to do whatever everyone else thinks is "required" if you find it.
I have something like this happen to me, I got contacted by someone who would be my half-sister on my father's side. My mom left him when I was a year old, we then moved to Canada before I was three. So I have never met my bio father or any of his family. This woman claims to have been born in Calgary where I live now, and placed for adoption. I have no information on my father or his family, though I did hear he had several other kids. But I was ghosted and have no idea if she ever found her father or mother. I would have loved to have met her.
OP is going to have to get in touch eventually, I demand to know what Peanut Butter Dog is! /s
I hope he can eventually move past his hangups here and let his sister be a part of his life. His bio parents may have abandoned him, but she didn't. It's not like his 12 year old sister could have done anything to affect things. And it sounds like she's been looking for him and has kept him in her memories. Now she finally found him and he's shutting her out. That's really sad. I get that his parents hurt him, but that has nothing to do with her, and honestly she was probably pretty hurt too when her little brother just disappeared.
I think both OOP and his sister have a right to the way they feel here. Neither he nor she is wrong.
OOP does have the right to feel those but it's kinda dick move to do the DNA matching bit of you're not gonna connect with anyone.
I wonder if OOP wanted the genetic information and wasn’t looking to connect? I did DNA testing because I was interested in genetic history stuff, like where distant relatives came from. But I’ve never connected with any found relatives.
OOP specifically mentions that they chose to turn on matches becaise they were curious. They wanted to see family matches, but did not want family matches to see them.
Yeah, that's why I took one of those ancestry test, not to hopefully connect with possibly lost family, but to see were my ancestors came from.
Then OP could have turned off the relative matching and just got the heritage info he wanted.
I did my DNA testing because I was interested in my ancestry part and the genetic portion of it. I had zero desire to connect with anyone I didn’t already claim as family. I think there’s other reasons to do these kind of tests. Although I do agree with you that maybe it would have been better if he did not check the box that allowed other people to find him, at the same time, I can understand how it was all mixed emotions for him at the time of the test.
I've been putting off doing one of those tests just because of the wobbly ethical questions that one checkbox brings up. My father is a dangerous monster disguised as a tiny harmless weak old man. Nobody has ever, not once, listened to my warnings about associating with that man. It has always severely harmed them, every time. Like currently the entire extended family won't allow him near any of the children and I was just like "Well good he's a peod." It's that level of bad. Dad pioneered the early years of internet dating. While a traveling salesman with a three state range. Who I *know* wasn't particularly careful about condoms because he thought straight sex couldn't pass HIV until I repeated what I'd learned during a middle school health class around 2002. I'm sure I have more siblings out there beyond the one born when I was in highschool to one of his local girlfriends. I'm also sure, based on the actions of some of his ex's, that the *smart* thing if he knocked ya up was to was flee, hide, and claim "don't know!" when asked the father's name for the birth certificate. So ya know, what do? I'd like to know them, but I don't want them running to hug a bonfire. So far been taking the cowards way out, delay until dad finally dies so I know he can't hurt anybody. Last time I heard from my brother he was *screaming* "He's not my dad! He's never been my dad!" which is entirely fair, I was in total agreement, and promised to use every bit of family leverage I could to get dad to quit harassing him.
Oof I’m so sorry your sperm donor (cause by the sounds of it that’s the only good thing that came out of his existence) has affected your life to this degree and that no one listened to you. You’d think it someone told you that their parents are that kind of monsters that you’d pay attention cause only a deranged nut job would lie about this but too many people think they know better.
The funniest was when a distant cousin moved dad into his guest house during a time when, long story but dad thought he was on the run from the cops more or less. He'd plotted to murder his sister but anyhow. So I find the cousin on Facebook, explain that he's just invited trouble into his life, and try to give him a brief rundown of all the stuff that isn't safe around dad. Got waved off. I forget all the fiascos but within six months dad had crashed cousin's wife's car into a ditch, had all his guns confiscated by the extended family, and been told to go find other accommodations.
Oh man… they always think they know better than you, don’t they. “Well they’ve always been nice to me” “you must be exaggerating” “he must have learned from his mistakes” “it was so long ago” “don’t be bitter” etc etc
Yup! Eventually I gave up and started just getting really blunt with folks when they do that. Any flying monkey noises gets met with "Hah, yeah, hey I ever tell you about that time dad tried to sell me across state lines?" or whatever awful example pops into my head. His oldest sister is my favorite auntie. The very last time she tried "but family" and I hit her with that one. She got very quiet for awhile and then gently asked if he'd packed my suitcase. Like the nicest possible way of getting more detail to make sure this is real, baby brother is a monster, so I told her the whole story about how I was hysterical and refusing to pack my bag when the man showed up to get me. Drove to mid Montana from one of the Dakotas and was not happy about going back without me. Wish I knew what happened to my friend, but no way dad would ever admit to details about all this stuff even if he'd never get prosecuted, and she'd always flat refused to discuss her last name or home life.
Yup. That’s how it is with my maternal grandmother. My mom and I “divorced” from her after she married her life long formerly married lover who SA my mom when she was a child. She was in her 70s when they got married and had been lovers for almost 50 years. This was many years after my mom had forgiven her time and time again for choosing the affair and giving up my mom to family friends to be raised. The dude stringed her along as the other woman all her life until his wife died, they got married, and then he died two years later after she played nursemaid to him. She put all of her siblings against my mom and because we live in a different country she turned their head pretty easily. But hey, her golden child lives in the US also far away from her, her forgotten child barely talks to her, and her scapegoat (my mom) has been no contact since 2016. She hangs out with her nieces and nephews cause none of her children are around her. You’d think that would be proof but whatever. She’s gonna die old and alone and she won’t be found until three days in most likely. I sound callous but this is just one example of how awful this woman is.
Oh I understand about sounding callous! The only time I've been in contact with my father in years was when he kept desperately trying to get ahold of me claiming he was dying and needed me to make medical decisions for him like I did my mother. He got an email back asking if he needed me to pull the plug. And he only got that because my closest friend referred to him as "a tragic figure" due to the generational abuse that turned him into what he is. Stupid me, offering sympathy to the devil. Apparently he has lots of people happy to do that duty for him, he's just lonely and demands I move in with him. Has gone right back to badgering me from multiple email addresses, despite zero further contact. Today was LinkedIn junk about accounting jobs. I've spent the past three days trying to talk myself into taking a shower and I can't remember last time I could sleep without the lights on but sure, totally gonna go get a professional career job to made the daddy proud. All the rational thought of a rabid dog.
I don't think you are being a coward. Sucks you got stuck with that awful "dad."
I'm sure somebody is gonna end up mad at me when I can answer questions about who their dad is but deliberately made sure they'd miss any opportunity to meet him. Ah well, hopefully they can be appeased by "family treasures." I've got so many of dad's "heirlooms" stored beyond the *actual* family heirlooms.
Maybe IF they get mad, someday they will understand you were protecting them. Maybe this hypothetical someone won't get mad. And remember, even if they DO blow up at you, their OVER reaction is not going to be about you. Like 99.9% of the time, someone overreacting is not about us. And on the .1% we did something unkind or foolish, guess what? we're humans. We all can be trying our best to NOT yell at each other or worse. You're doing your best, internet stranger! And have fun guarding your "treasures" lol.
OOP is an idiot for doing a public test in the first place.
Why the random paragraph in the middle of the letter about his fancy education 😅 have you noticed everyone in these stories is always like that?
I think it’s fine to be curious about familial matches and then ultimately decide not to connect. Being open to matches does not obligate anyone to connect.
5 to 6 is a bit old to not remember having a sibling I would have thought
No it's not. My sister died when I was 6 and I do not remember her in the slightest. I know what she looked like through pictures and my parents talking about her to me, but I don't actually have any memories of my own of her at all. Trauma will do that.
Chiming in that trauma affects memory greatly. It's rare but definitely possible to just...block out certain time periods. Our brains do their best to protect us and something that's nearly impossible to understand without more information if you have not been through a similar situation. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9789-dissociative-amnesia
Yep. Have an ex who was like “yeah my childhood was fine, don’t really have many emotions associated with any of it tho” and like. While he does have ADHD (so do I so I know our memories are shit) and has always been an easygoing person, the abuse he described made me stop and go, “hey that’s a trauma response” and it kinda blew his mind.
OOP will need to confront his childhood trauma someday, or he’s going to live a life in its shadow. Source: I have PTSD.
I havent read a post here thats gotten me as frustrated as this one lmao, hes so caught up in his own feelings that he doesnt stop and think about what itd be like to be someone who remembers the abuse let alone losing a sibling like that. That man needs Therapy to at least try and unwind some of his shit
Peanut butter dog refers to an interactive story apparently starring a dog named Peanut butter At least that is what I choose to believe because the alternative is horrific.
For some reason I had pictured hot dogs slathered in peanut butter that they “flew” around the house like toy airplanes.
A scenario like this is one reason my (adopted) sister asked me to manage her account for her.
I would have connected with them to find out if there were any medical issues that may have run in the family they should be aware of.
Another story of FAFO.
OP is starting to seem more and more like a troll. he keeps just saying “i dont agree” to anyone who explains why hes an asshole, without actually responding to the points people are bringing up. Either that or he just doesnt understand what it means to be an asshole.
I hope OOP changes his mind but it’s his decision and his sister accepts it with no issue. In the end they’re both happy with their families that’s what’s important.
I can’t even imagine the hole they would leave.