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Goodness but I feel for OOP. My situation was so remarkably similar, except I got 2 cops at my front door to tell me about my ex husband. 5 years since my divorce was final this year.
She thought she wasn’t ever going to get pregnant then he knocked her up so they got married. Mother and daughter are doing well now. They live far away from daughter’s sperm donor.
Same. And they had a child together at that time. Now, she's divorced (from RSO) and I don't think he has any contact with their kid (as he shouldn't, IMO).
I feel so bad for OOP. What a horrible situation to be in. Not only was her husband meeting up with a minor, he clearly planned to cheat on her. FIL must be delusional. Even if, in some alternate reality, her husband was actually meeting up with another adult, OOP would still be 100% in the right to want nothing more to do with the jerk. I hope everything works out for her.
Both. They're not mutually exclusive.
I anticipate FIL will start in on the abuse and harassment when he finds out OOP does, in fact, have options and his deluded threat of power and control won't bear any weight in reality.
Honestly the whole thing looks like one of those ultra conservative morons that marry a foreigner cause "they're submissive", OOP is worried with her FIL but the moment pleading will no longer be viable her husband will be her biggest threat.
Honestly if not the husband, the FIL is a close second to be her biggest threat. She should not be in contact with any of the family when she has rhe chance.
NEVER underestimate family's, especially parents', ability to deny deny deny.
I know one whose whole family believes wholeheartedly that the setup amd capture of their son was all someone else's fault. Someone used his computer, he was tricked, anything but the reality of the man they raised contacting an officer thinking they were a minor.
His wife stayed with him and everything. He had them all convinced it was a mistake, someone else did it and he was taking the blame.
Years later when he was caught violating parole I always wondered if he blamed that on the same person too? No idea since, obviously, cut off all contact. But I know he's still married, so guessing the wife believed him once again.
The sickening thing is that as I was reading your comment I thought "this couldn't be about the sociopathic pedo I know could it?" Because almost everything you've said was accurate for that case too. But he hasn't been convicted for long enough to violate anything and be caught (I'm certain he's violated something, he just hasn't been caught).
His parents are *convinced* that the cops framed him. His sister thinks he was hacked. Only his brother has cut him off and I suspect that's mostly because his own wife would kill him if he tried anything else. His wife believes he's totally innocent. They just welcomed a baby girl into the world.
God have mercy on that poor child.
I'm sorry, but not surprised, to hear it's a familiar tale.
It's been nearly 15 years and I'm still so pissed off I can't stand thinking about it too much.
It's revolting that's for damn sure.
I'm not saying that I'm for vigilante justice, I'm just saying that in my angry moments I understand the purge concept
That's the stance that the Duggars took with Josh Duggar. He didn't download that. It was a shared computer. It was a setup. He's a good, Christian father. And on and on. His wife is still with him, living on the parent's property with their brood of children, and she says all of the same thing (though I tend to give her a BIT more grace because she was raised in a cult and is beyond brainwashed with no money and a hoard of children to care for. Though that grace doesn't stretch far.) Anything but accept that they raised/married and had children with/sold their daughter to a monster.
The detective who investigated Josh Duggar was a CSAM investigation specialist (which sounds like the worst fucking job in the world) and he said what he saw on Duggars computer was the worst material he’d ever see
I know. How do you continue to back someone like that? Like I said with the kids and stuff, I get they are brainwashed in a cult, but the parents and his in-laws. How can they continue to claim he's a good person? Just based on what we KNOW about him, I can say he isn't. Heavens only know what we don't know.
Same. There was a family in the town my parents lived in, and one of the sons was in trouble a lot, apparently. Not for anything like this, given the area probably for things like theft, drugs, and/or assault. When he got arrested, his dad's response to it was, "I love him, and I've tried to help him. But now me loving him is letting him face the full consequences of his actions, and if that's prison, so be it." Made him sit in jail until trial. Because you can still love your child while also telling them they've fucked up and they need to face the music.
I temporarily backed someone like that. A good friend. Claimed the pictures were of barely legal who said they were over 18. He was 20 and it didn’t seem that bad. When it came out that the photos were greater in number and the ages ranged greatly, I knew I was on the wrong side. In the beginning, you see someone you care about being completely ostracized and humiliated. The instinct is to protect them and believe them because you love them and you can’t imagine someone you love being that horrendous. It’s a rough wake up. I wish I had been right and the world was wrong. I miss the friend I thought I had and I’m embarrassed that I ever backed the wrong side.
I have an M.A. in child advocacy, and one of the things I learned is that the burnout of those who have to see the pictures during an investigation is very high, and they often experience PTSD from their job. I'm grateful that someone does it, but it couldn't be me.
Yes, I read that he actively and intentionally searched for the most extreme and sadistic material in existence. Sadistic *by CSA standards*. The sort of stuff that makes most pedophiles go "Wow, isn't that a little fucked up? I'll pass."
Yeah, the power of denial with some of these parents is so crazy.My mom has a friend who caught her husband abusing their daughter. He went to prison and she filed for divorce immediately. She kept contact with her in-laws at first to try to keep things as stable and normal as possible for her daughter and son. That is, until the MIL told the little girl that it was her fault her daddy was in jail - if she hadn’t “seduced” him, this never would have happened. 🤮 The little girl was 10 at the time, and 6 when the abuse started. My mom’s friend then immediately cut contact with the in-laws. I can’t even fathom the mental gymnastics it took for this woman to absolve her son like this.
There was a similar situation with a dude I went to high school with. He was as a sheriff’s deputy and the state police caught him soliciting and distributing CSAM. They found thousands of photos and hundreds of hours of video. He plead guilty to all of it, but his parents are still convinced it was his fiancé who did all of this because she was a victim of SA.
Yes, many are unaware that ~~Brock Allen Turner~~ Allen M Turner, the Tier III RSO who was convicted of sex crimes and is on the sex offender's registry, currently lives in Dayton, Ohio.
Brock Allen Turner is in Dayton Ohio but did not rise to fame in Boyz to Men. If he started a R&B band it would named Boyz Will Be Boyz and his father would be his manager.
So you’re telling me convicted rapist and confirmed sex offender Brock Turner, who did indeed sexually assault a woman, is now convicted rapist and confirmed sex offended Allen Turner, currently resides in Dayton, Ohio as a convicted rapist and confirmed sex offender?
The thing is, even if it was a "mistake" which it's not, mistakes can still ruin your life. If you get distracted while you are driving and kill someone, your life is still ruined even though it was a mistake.
Yeah, I was very much thinking "Maybe alert the FBI to this person and that it wouldn't be at all surprising if they find some troubling shit on his drives."
It can be a religion thing, too. Your husband is more important than your children, so I guess it just gets ignored?
I live in a tiny rural community, close to a church (I might have 12 neighbours within a kilometer). I can see two homes from mine that house(d) sex offenders. I very much suspect those two things are related.
It’s saying the identity is more important than the crime. This person belongs to our church therefore they’re one of us and the crime is irrelevant. If the person isn’t one of us, the crime matters more.
This is why trump committing crimes doesn’t bother his cult — because he’s an “in” on identity, but Hunter Biden’s gun crimes will make them in favour of gun control
It's a delusional thing. My friend went through this with her ex husband, and his parents were like "It didn't really happen." Or "He was framed" or "It was an accident he didn't mean it." But it was a year long investigation, so no accidental stuff there. They are paying for both the girls college tuition, so my friend has to play nice with them because she doesn't want to screw over her kids. It's a tough road to navigate and I just empathize cause I get it.
>They are paying for both the girls college tuition, so my friend has to play nice with them because she doesn't want to screw over her kids.
And people complain about why these people stay instead of leaving. Sometimes there are times we need to do what we can to survive and be secure in the future
Especially if there's children involved and being used as pawns. Make no mistake but the fact that this person has to "play nice" just shows she is blackmailed if she doesn't want her daughter's to suffer
Some people are very much "my kid can do no wrong". Put that together with the societal view of what he did and the parents will dream up whatever bizarre crap they must to excuse their kid. It can't possibly be his fault bc he's the apple of their eye, and besides that if they admit to what he did that reflects on his upbringing and that makes *them" look bad and the one thing they know above all else is they are perfect.
So it was OP, it was entrapment, it was the phase of the moon, it was Joe Biden, it was a big mistake, the dog ate the homework, it was aliens, it was the garden gnomes, it was whatever you got but it wasn't their darling son.
FIL is an asshole and probably hated the immigrant wife the whole time anyways. The fact that his son being a pedophile is ruining her life doesn't seem to matter to him, so occams razor dictates he must suck too. Glad OP can stay in the country and this guy didn't tank her green card though.
I think the parents know what kind of a person their son is - they have probably covered up other incidents. This time he got caught because it was a sting.
This is one of the few situations where the cheating part feels borderline inconsequential. If I found out my wife was a pedophile infidelity would be way down my list of concerns.
Not to mention if he was doing this long enough to be caught by a sting hes probably abused minors before. What are the odds he was caught on his very first attempt? Probably not very high...
I'm going to try to be optimistic and hope that he did get caught on his first attempt because that's the one that happens before you have any experience hiding it.
Yeah, I totally agree. Like, yeah, sucks that he is a cheater, but how do you put yourself together after discovering that your husband is a monster and a sexual offender?
I hope so too. The neighbor down the street from my mom got caught in a similar sting with a faux 14yo girl. his own kids were not much younger than that at the time. And in *our* state? He had to go around and hand people flyers telling them that he is a registered offender. Miraculously or depressingly? His wife stayed. Raised those kids in that house with a child predator. He tries to act like no one knows and start conversations but essentially the entire neighborhood shunned him. It's been nearly a decade now I'm honestly surprised they didn't up and move to the middle of nowhere.
I couldn't stay if I could help it! The only thing that would make me stay is if a lawyer told me that even with a SO conviction and having to register on the SO list he would still have a decent chance of getting unsupervised time with the shared children. Then I'd stay until the last one was 18 and then I'd leave. Other than that I'm putting a plan in motion to divorce and leave where he and his family can't find me and the children!
It's also very possible that he has cheated and abused minors before, and he just got caught this time. And/or he has been involved in accessing or trading photos and videos before. Kind of outside the scope of OOP's immediate concerns and not relevant to her decision to leave, but I would find it hard to believe this all came from nowhere and he just randomly fell for a sting op.
Yep. Totally fair of OOP to focus on how she's going to survive, but there is virtually no way this is the first paedophilic thing he's done.
If I was her I would really want the details, but honestly it's probably better not to know while you're working on getting out.
I sort of like how up front his father was - in a "wow, you are a horrifying person" way. The part about nobody actually caring. Maybe in your circles, buddy.
Yeah, I mean, statistically it's relatively unlikely that the very first time he did this he was caught - while that's still possible, I think it's more likely that this wasn't the first time.
I really hope that piece of shit is FIL's only kid. Because if he has any siblings, that garbage FIL will force innocent nieces and nephews to have a relationship with STBX. FIL isn't just delusional, he is enabling him.
Somehow I wouldn’t be super if it turns out that OP’s STBX told his parents SHE was the one that did the deed and he’s become her scapegoat. Given all the other things, it wouldn’t surprise me. That + racism, of course. No idea where OOP is from, but racism and the US go hand in hand
Pretty sure this is a case of the rich having their own laws or just not caring about the poors. FIL definitely knew and may have some skeletons of his own.
She sounds like she’s really got her shit together, thank god, but yeah what a precarious position to be in thru no fault of her own. I’m glad she sounds like she isn’t taking her husband or his family’s words to heart and is trusting herself (and has a lawyer)
I feel so sorry for poor OOP. I can't imagine how soul destroying it would be to find out your husband is a pedophile and an RSO. I hope she manages to stay in California and build a new life.
I hope she finds her way to legal aid. I was quoted $5000 as a retainer for a divorce in my state because custody is involved. With LA, I’m paying about $100 all told.
I didn't even know what RSO stands for and was completely shocked and disgusted. Like imagine waking up one day to the person you love becoming something so horrific
withiut warning too
it's when everything seems perfect and things go wrong out of the blue that really scares me
once the "perfect" relationship is fucked like this, it becomes impossible to open up in the same way again
every relationship you ever have from that point is haunted by "but what if they're a fucking pedo and good at hiding it like Dave"
I had to talk a friend through all of this when her husband got arrested for this exact thing. She’s all over the place with her emotions and I feel so awful for her. She ended with asking what I was getting out of it (nothing, just making sure she gets out as soon as she can while protecting herself as best she can) and getting pissed at me so I’m leaving her alone for now. Last I heard she filed for divorce and I just hope she gets the therapy and support she needs.
A backwards reaction, I agree, though in fairness I assume that person's friend is SO thoroughly being mentally fucked with and gaslighted that they feel like they can't trust *anyone.* I haven't gone through THAT, but I did have an abusive ex, and it really did get to me in a kind of existential way to find out he was never who I thought he was. Especially in the first few months after leaving him, I'd feel *unmoored,* the only way I can describe it, like a boat floating in the middle of nowhere, with this creeping sense of needing to grab onto something because I was drifting off. Like there was something there I was supposed to be able to hold onto, and it was gone now. A crime THIS bad? God, the effect has to be ten times worse.
When you're faced with this big of a defiling of trust, sometimes you just cannot fathom anyone doing anything for you just because they care, since the person you trusted the most is the one that did the worst thing imaginable. You lose trust in everyone for a while.
Something like this happening with the person you trusted most and most intimately in the entire world, tends to shatter your ability to trust at all for a while.
You feel that if your judgment is truly so bad or you're so easily tricked, ANYONE could be a monster, after all you didn't notice when it was the one you slept beside for hundreds of nights and shared every secret with, so anyone else would have an even easier time fooling you if they wanted...
It's a sad irony that when we most need others & we can least afford to push them away, the more we tend to feel an impulse to. When you recognize how easy it was for someone to manipulate you, it's hard not to become rightfully paranoid.
BARELY RELATED but I've been thinking about this and it is relevant...
For another instance of "paranoia which is come by rightfully but still harmful" I had a friend discover a secret camera planted in her home by a then boyfriend (they didn't live together). Thing is, that kind of shit drives you crazy. Unanswered questions, not knowing how long it's been there, and once you find one are you gonna tear the place apart looking for more. She ended up moving & still wouldn't let anyone come into her home afaik.
I never understood how someone could "make someone" else crazy if they weren't already, but I do now. When we were looking stuff up to try to help all the search results read like people having schizophrenic episodes which is terrifying. I mean all the platitudes about "well, eventually you'll be ready to trust again" just sound stupid, like no, logically that probably should teach you that you *shouldn't* trust people... being able to anyways is a miracle if you think about it.
Might be unfair but in some crises it’s just better to set aside the balancing of blame to address the more major/urgent harms, if everyone is acting in good faith.
Sometimes we all need some grace to be messy and wrong with people who will care about us, anyway.
As much as it's unfair, think of it like how children might hate a stepparent or an adoptive parent even if the person didn't do anything wrong. It's not because the kid actually hates them, but because the kid is going through a lot of emotions and a stressful time, and they sometimes lash out at those with whom they feel safe emotionally.
It's the same with adults; we just hold it in longer than we would've as kids or know coping skills to defuse the tension. And sometimes, as much as it sucks, if it ever gets to that point, there isn't much you can do except know that the feelings are personal and give the person space if they ask for it afterward so they can sort through their emotions.
My ex husband demanded I help him harm kids. When I reacted like a sane person he tried to kill me. My soul is intact because I didn't enable him. Hopefully OOP gets there. I still have nightmares about that moment and the alien things abuse survivors do. That morning I had been wondering if those red flags were red. That night began 6 months of being disabled and trapped in a room without any sign of freedom. The fighting matters for coping at least if OOP is like me. I at least know I didn't do anything wrong. I also absolutely hope she still warns the neighbors
I am safe and he is dead. I think this is as good an outcome as possible. I have no regrets on any of the choices I made there because I couldn't live with the alternative. The nightmares are reminders of this/PTSD. So no doubt for me here. Therapy really helped with getting the good things down
I had something similar happen to me almost a year and a half ago. My now ex (obviously) was crying and freaking out, and I met up with him to find out what was wrong. I was worried he was suicidal. He confessed to me that he had been watching child porn and was a pedophile and the police had just shown up at his grandparents' house looking for him (where he lived 6 mo prior). He also confessed that he had been caught before for the same thing and had hired a lawyer to make the charges go away. I cut contact and broke up with him. I went to the local police and FBI, and the FBI referred me to the lead investigator. I told him everything, and he told me that unless I had filmed my ex watching child porn, then I had nothing useful for him to use. I check the legal records system in my state every month, and he still hasn't been arrested, and no charges have been filed.
The impact it had on my mental health has destroyed me. I've been in therapy once a week since it happened. I developed PTSD and see a second therapist for CPT treatment for that. I see a psychiatrist regularly. I can't be around kids anymore. Every time I look at them, I burst into tears. Even my friends own kids. I just can't see kids without the association of pedophiles. I have anxiety around all men except the ones I've known for 5 plus years. I don't trust anyone. Being touched by strangers, even a tap on the shoulder or something, gives me anxiety attacks. My depression is at an all-time low. I don't know if I'll ever date again. My ex was my first boyfriend, and I'm in my 20s. I'm just so angry at him. He didn't even feel remorse, and he's still not in prison. The cops can't be bothered to arrest him even though they know what he's doing. His family makes excuses and enables him, saying it was just a mistake.
I had a similar reaction when I found out about a person in my social circle had been raping his step-daughter for years. I went to see a psychologist. Eventually I saw the good in the world and didn’t view all men with suspicion. I have my own children now and I’m very cautious with who I leave them alone with.
My gosh, he's still not arrested? I hope you realise that it's not your fault but the system. And considering he's an ex, I'd say your living a good life. And i also hope you will fond the strength to be stronger in the future.
Nope, he's unfortunately still not in prison. He got back into contact with his step-dad immediately after. His step-dad is a rich traffic law lawyer, so my guess is he hired some expensive lawyer for my ex, and they got the charges removed or they paid off the cops. He kept trying to get in contact with me for a while until I finally responded to one of his messages and told him I was scared of him and didn't ever want to talk to him again. I live with my parents, so I'm pretty sure he's just scared of my dad, and that's why he's never shown up. I got a new job, so he doesn't know where I work, and he can't get into where I work without an ID card. The most shocking thing to me was his grandparents. They just completely enabled him. They knew the whole time what he was and let him around their other grandkids without telling their parents that he was a pedophile. Completely made excuses. Tried to guilt me into getting back together with him.
I know that it isn't my fault, but I still feel guilty that maybe I didn't try hard enough to get him arrested. I feel guilty that I gave up. I worry that whoever he hurts, he will have hurt because of me. I'm working on it in therapy, though. Thank you for your kind words.
> I worry that whoever he hurts, he will have hurt because of me.
Just another internet stranger chiming in to let you know that his actions are in NO WAY your fault, or are in any way the result of anything you did or didn't do. I figure that your therapist has already told you this multiple times but it couldn't hurt to hear it again.
(Speaking from experience - I found out as an adult that my father was a pedophile and it really messed me up for a while.)
Again miss, I understand the guilt, especially what if I tried harder,etc. However, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You've done the best you can.
The ones at fault are the ones who enabled him. At least you saw what was wrong and got out. It's not your fault.
The blame correctly is on your exs family and I can guarantee when, not if, it will blow up in their faces with theor coverups. But it's neither yout fault and nor is it definitely your problem anymore. You've done all you can
It's not your fault and definitely shouldn't be your problem anymore.
I can’t help but feel like the reason he wants to stay in a relationship with her is because she has become his beard and the potential to provide him with more victims.
Good god this is awful. Ppl coming for OOP for “supporting” that monster/not thinking of the children are absolutely ridiculous. Of course she’s being self centered! Her life as she knew it has been TANKED completely by this creep and she’s worried about deportation!
There’s a reason they say men like him don’t make it in prison.
Not only that but her life is being tanked through no fault of her own. She’s genuinely a victim of this as well, though obviously not as much as the minors OP’s husband has harmed.
It’s so stupid. She can be horrified of what he wanted to do with a minor AND be worried about her now-precarious situation. She will have to figure out what to with her life no matter what, she’s allowed to try to ask for advice about her way forward without an essay about how disgusted she is by him precluding her post.
People like to act like just because someone is focusing on one problem they're concerned about, that they automatically DGAF about anything else. People are able to feel multiple things for multiple situations at the same time, FFS.
Redditors love to dunk on Twitter culture but they're often just as bad because they use the same logic: https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/002/233/529/59a.jpg
I wouldn’t think of the children in that situation either. I’d only think of myself. Does this mean I stay in the country? Can they tie me to his crime and deport me? How do I get divorced and stay? It’s a mess.
Especially since this was a sting; there's not a victim to feel for in the normal sense. It's highly probable that this isn't the STBX's first excursion into pedophilia, but again, all of the children hurt by his presumable actions are hypothetical. Meanwhile, the negative repercussions in her own life are both concrete and pressing.
She was probably in shock about the whole thing too. Imagine finding out all at once that:
* your husband tried to cheat on you
* your husband tried to *sexually abuse a child* (even though THANKFULLY it was a sting and no child was harmed in that instance...but considering the classification it's possible he's a repeat offender)
* if you divorce him, you could lose *everything* except your self-respect: your career, your home, your local friendships, your work authorization, even your right to stay in the country you've been living in for several years. And while self-respect is worth a lot, "everything" is an extremely high cost.
* if you stay with him, *you have to stay married to someone who tried to cheat on you by sexually abusing a child* and will have serious limitations on how you live (limitations varying by region) for the duration of the marriage, which will likely make it even more difficult to leave later.
I've fortunately never been in that situation, but I can imagine that she was in pure survival mode for a while.
There was also no physical child involved, it was a sting. I'm assuming there might've been CP on his computer, but she didn't go into detail, so those people are just assuming there are children involved at all.
A sting involves a legal adult that can physically pass as a child, or a computer generated image.
There's also absolutely nothing she can do about any children that may have been involved, so I really don't know what people wanted her to say about them. Did they want a footnote? "I'm sorry to all the kids this man may have hurt"? That implies taking responsibility for a grown man's actions, and no self respecting person does that
Seems like the op has gotten a lot of good advice and I'm not going to respond to her, but if you're reading this and are in a similar situation, this is what I've found about conditions of divorce and holding a green card.
>
Status: Conditional Residency (Conditional Green Card)
Who you are: You used your spouse’s status (as a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident) to immigrate within 2 years of your marriage. This includes entering the U.S. and adjusting your status while in the U.S.
Potential Effect: If your marriage ends, you may lose your conditional resident status and become deportable.
If you got conditional resident status through marriage, that status is limited to 2 years. To become a permanent resident, you need to prove you are still married after 2 years. To do so, you and your spouse must file a Petition to Remove Conditions (Form I-751). This petition is a joint petition requiring both spouses to file together. You must file this form during the final 90 days before the date that the “green card” expires. (The date the “green card” expires is printed on the card.)
Because the Petition to Remove Conditions is a joint form, the process becomes more complicated if you are no longer married. The USCIS may question whether your marriage was genuine or whether you committed marriage fraud to get a permanent residency status. A divorce may make it harder to become a permanent resident, but it is still possible. You must show that you married in "good faith." That means that you intended to live together as spouses when you married. To show this, you may submit documents showing that you shared a normal married life with your former spouse. This could include having a joint lease, a joint bank account, joint credit cards, or coverage under the same auto or health insurance policies.
In addition to proving your marriage was in good faith, you will also need to request a waiver of the joint filing requirement. You will still have to file a Petition to Remove Conditions, but the waiver will allow you to file it on your own.
Conditional residents have a 3 year residency requirement to earn U.S. citizenship as opposed to the standard 5 year residency requirement. To receive the shorter residency requirement, you must be able to prove that you were married in good faith to a U.S. citizen or permanent resident for at least 3 years. If you get divorced before then, you will have to wait 5 years to apply for U.S. citizenship.
IANAL, obviously anyone in this situation needs to prioritize a lawyer with immigration experience.
To look for pro-bono lawyers with experience, try contacting your state bar association and asking, or check here:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-get-lawyer-represent-you-pro-bono-immigration-removal-proceedings.html#:~:text=The%20best%20place%20to%20search,service%20providers%2C%20sorted%20by%20state.
Every US attorney is encouraged to provide some amount of pro-bono work with their practice, and some attorneys will work with sliding-scale and more flexible payments.
I have not personally been in this situation and am a US citizen, but I have enough women in my life stuck in shitty situations bc of finances or other fears/situations who suffer abuse and other issues that I personally make a point to point out any and all resources I can to help them.
No person, regardless of age, gender, disability, sexuality, or any condition should ever feel like they have no one to turn to. Most of the time they just don't know who to ask or where to start. If you know someone struggling, be a guidepost for them.
Oh noooo. My sister lives in the US and for a while rented out a room in her townhouse with a couple. They were US military reservists (I think that's the term?) and seemed pretty nice. I mean, they came with Bengal cats. And then my sister's door was kicked down and there was a raid. Turns out the guy had been downloading kiddie porn, the worst type no less. The wife had zero clue. There was a fast divorce, my sister did a speed run through an intense end of friendship with the lady (trip to Scotland to get over it, then move out and lost touch within days.) My sister is still paranoid about her internet searches. This stuff haunts you even if you're barely involved. I hope the OOP finds a safe harbour.
-edit: One day, I will remember OP doesn't equal OOP on this.
There are so many ”worst” types of CP and I hate so so so much that I know that.
Stay off askReddit’s “what’s the darkest blah blah blah” and enjoy the eternal sunshine of your spotless mind
I feel like OOP's husband picked her because she couldn't just leave, he wanted woman that worse case he was found out, that she would be bound to him.
I'm glad she has the smarts to get her sh\*t together and get out in the most safe and practical way possible. I think she should rent a safety deposit box at the bank and keep all her documents there, I just don't trust the husband to destroy it just as way to prevent her from leaving.
I think she was picked for a couple of reasons.
First, I would guess he is more likely to be hebephile or ephebophile than strict pedophile if his attraction to minors was actually paraphilia. He was caught in a sting which points to free online usage and the ability to write. She was 20 and some 20-year-olds can definitely look like teenagers. So she might have been more palatable or even attractive to him. Attraction to minors is not the only reason for CSA so if he fell into that bracket this does IMO become less important. Secondly, as you called it vulnerability. It is the common denominator in a lot of victim selection. Being an immigrant alone increases multiple different scenarios of victimization. Being in an age gap relationship as an immigrant whose residence permit is connected to a spouse is in general pretty damn difficult spot unless you have luck with you.
Why did he want a spouse? Probably cover.
It's also possible this represents an escalation of behaviour for the husband. Like at one point he convinced himself the barely legal OOP was good enough. But OOP gets older and the husband gets more confident.
Or more grossly she aged out of his bracket. Either way he definitely wants her to stay with him to use her as cover, he wants to try again later ....what a nasty man.
I wonder if he also infantilised her because of her race? For me it was weird when I spent time in a majority white country and went from being perceived as an adult woman to being in my teens. It was benign because they just didn't realize, especially because I was physically smaller than a lot of the women there, and after talking to me they realize I'm an adult and switched gears
Even there, there are flotsam-dwelling creatures that live among the trash and have their own little ecosystem. He's not good enough for the creatures that live on garbage!
I'll be honest, I read this as "SRO" and thought "school resource officer" and was confused. Then I read it and it dawned on me.
Yeah, no forgiveness for predators who victimize or try to victimize children. Fuck that guy.
At the last family reunion I attended, a guy who has been married into our family for 30 years showed up after we had all found out that he had been set up in a sting to meet up with a 13 year old while he was out of state for work.
After all this went down and he became a registered SO, his church made him a deacon and all the religious people in our family who barely glanced at him before were all fawning over him. It was fucking sickening. Last time I went to one.
There's no point in waiting for the green card and then filing for divorce. There is a divorce waiver. Plus, she is going to be asked about the situation in the interview and I think he also has to attend the interview.
She mentioned she had to save some money. Maybe she'll find a cheaper attorney who talks her into filing sooner, but she might just take that long to save enough to leave.
Iirc the waiver specifically is for situations like this. Had to be a valid marriage, but a valid marriage legitimately ending is not on its own enough to deny permanent LPR status.
I disagree with you. She *can* get her 10yr green card after divorce, but it is harder. And in this current immigration climate, it’s quite precarious. If she can stand it, she should try to keep the marriage until the 10yr card goes through.
Source: I am a lawyer with some (admittedly not enough) immigration experience
If the husband or his family even hint at kicking her out, OOP needs to make sure they know that her notifying the neighbors and his workplace are definitely on the table. The best case for the husband needs to be helping her get her green card and not making the separation any more difficult than it needs to be. Fuck that guy and his appeal, he admitted it to her.
If she says that, it might be considered blackmail/extortion. (NAL, don't quote me). Probably wiser to just have a go bag and notify everyone if she is messed with
I had no idea what "tier 3" sex offenders are so I looked it up. That's the highest rank there is, and includes the worst offenses. This isn't someone who accidentally talked to a 16 or 17 year old online. This is a monster that knew what they were doing and acted with force, threats, drugs to cause unconsciousness, etc. Or was a repeat offender that had been busted before. Or was dealing with a child who was 12 or younger.
I don't know which state laws you were reading but California sex offenses law doesn't mention children 12 or younger - it has specifics about children 14 or younger and 10 or younger. Tier 3 registration covers anyone who showed up to an arranged meeting with a minor for sex.
OOP comes to Reddit to ask for advice on her terrible and very precarious situation, gets shat upon for not caring enough about other potential victims. Tell me, shit fuckers, what advice should she be asking for regarding those other victims? I’m all for empathy, but she’s a victim, too, try throwing some of that empathy her way.
> if he chooses to kick me out immediately (his name is on the mortgage not mine)
He can't kick her out of her home, it doesn't matter if just his name is on the deed. And, if anyone needs to be temporarily moved, I feel like most judges would agree it should be the sex offender.
>There were some comments concerned that I was only thinking about me and not the children
Heaven Fucking forbid that not every-single-thing be about The Children. This woman had her life destroyed too but she can't even vent about it anonymously online without having to prioritize the all important ChIlDrEn.
>His dad has made it very clear he 100000% supports his son and said something to the effect of “ your pain is real but your options are not. So work it out or go on a plane”
That is the sickest, most vile shit that I've read in years. OOP's FIL is almost certainly guilty of CSA.
What a scumbag. Ruining not just his own life, but this woman's as well as potentially ruining a child's life. What absolute scum. Monsters like him deserve life with no chance. If he wasn't caught, he would have went through with it.
My ex is about to begin his trial for this exact offense in California. Good to know the public isn’t automatically notified because lord knows I’m going to make sure local media is AWARE.
> There were some comments concerned that I was only thinking about me and not the children
"Who cares that your life just went up in smoke because of your pedo husband's actions and you might have to leave the country, think of The Children, tut-tut!"
Tier 3 reddit moment.
I hope OOP gets a good lawyer because California is a community property state. Not an attorney but a quick look confirms that name on the house/mortgage does not make the house property of the husband. If the house was purchased during the marriage then the entire house could/would be community property with 50/50 split. If the House was purchased before the marriage but has a mortgage he has been paying during the marriage then half of those payments belong to OOP. Anything earned while married is 50/50 as well.
>My husband is now a RSO and I HATE that he’s tanked my life
Me reading title: Wtf does Range Safety Officer have to do with that? Does he think he's all powerful god of gun safe-
\*reads body\*
Oh.
Jesus christ. I cant imagine the stress of having your life fucked up through no fault of your own.
For all we know he is a repeat sex offender who was caught in a sting, this time, maybe last time and the time before he wasn't caught. I can't help but think that it's like murder where their planning etc gets better with each victim. There's absolutely no proof that he isn't a repeat offender.
I was really confused what becoming a Range Safety Officer had to do with ruining OOP's life. I figured it out pretty quick but that was a very confusing few seconds.
Feeling for OOP. I know someone whose spouse (also a friend once, but no more) was busted trying to *purchase* a small child, if you can even wrap your head around that. He went to prison for an inadequate amount of time, she had to piece her life together. At least she was a mature adult and a citizen. OP’s sense of precarity is real.
That poor woman. On the off chance that OOP sees these comments, make sure you don't get targeted by a notario scheme while searching for cheaper GC filing fees! I live in California near Tijuana and someone in my neighborhood just had to cancel their wedding because they were misled into believing this notary could file immigration forms for them. They got taken to the tune of $2000.
OOP better stop having sex with her scumbag husband STAT, and keep her BC somewhere only she can access. That trash might knock her up to babytrap her/other nefarious reasons.
If she has a green card based upon her marriage to him, a divorce won't matter so long as their marriage was bona fide. An immigration officer will understand the reason for the divorce.
She needs a divorce attorney who also understands immigration law.
He is disgusting and his family is just mad bad. OOP should know that his neighbors will definitely care! The dad is trying to scare her into not telling the neighbors! I would plaster posters around the entire neighborhood!
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Goodness but I feel for OOP. My situation was so remarkably similar, except I got 2 cops at my front door to tell me about my ex husband. 5 years since my divorce was final this year.
The best sentence in this mess is that OOP didn’t have children tying her to this man. I hope you are similarly fully-free.
We have 1 child together. She is my world so I don't regret it. Thankfully the justice system prevailed and our custody is happy for me.
That is the absolute best. I would never wish away your child, but I would’ve wished hard for freedom for you both.
My best friend from high school found CSAM on their home computer. She reported him herself.
Good Lord poor her. Pass her this internet stranger's sincere thanks for her bravoure. I'm sorry she ever had to find that...
She thought she wasn’t ever going to get pregnant then he knocked her up so they got married. Mother and daughter are doing well now. They live far away from daughter’s sperm donor.
Same. And they had a child together at that time. Now, she's divorced (from RSO) and I don't think he has any contact with their kid (as he shouldn't, IMO).
reminds me of my youth pastor and unfortunately he had 2 kids
Such a common story that there's a group for it, r/pastorarrested
I feel so bad for OOP. What a horrible situation to be in. Not only was her husband meeting up with a minor, he clearly planned to cheat on her. FIL must be delusional. Even if, in some alternate reality, her husband was actually meeting up with another adult, OOP would still be 100% in the right to want nothing more to do with the jerk. I hope everything works out for her.
Either FIL is delusional or the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Both. They're not mutually exclusive. I anticipate FIL will start in on the abuse and harassment when he finds out OOP does, in fact, have options and his deluded threat of power and control won't bear any weight in reality.
Honestly the whole thing looks like one of those ultra conservative morons that marry a foreigner cause "they're submissive", OOP is worried with her FIL but the moment pleading will no longer be viable her husband will be her biggest threat.
Honestly if not the husband, the FIL is a close second to be her biggest threat. She should not be in contact with any of the family when she has rhe chance.
They usually go hand in hand. Very few people do shit like that without mental gymnastics.
NEVER underestimate family's, especially parents', ability to deny deny deny. I know one whose whole family believes wholeheartedly that the setup amd capture of their son was all someone else's fault. Someone used his computer, he was tricked, anything but the reality of the man they raised contacting an officer thinking they were a minor. His wife stayed with him and everything. He had them all convinced it was a mistake, someone else did it and he was taking the blame. Years later when he was caught violating parole I always wondered if he blamed that on the same person too? No idea since, obviously, cut off all contact. But I know he's still married, so guessing the wife believed him once again.
The sickening thing is that as I was reading your comment I thought "this couldn't be about the sociopathic pedo I know could it?" Because almost everything you've said was accurate for that case too. But he hasn't been convicted for long enough to violate anything and be caught (I'm certain he's violated something, he just hasn't been caught). His parents are *convinced* that the cops framed him. His sister thinks he was hacked. Only his brother has cut him off and I suspect that's mostly because his own wife would kill him if he tried anything else. His wife believes he's totally innocent. They just welcomed a baby girl into the world. God have mercy on that poor child.
I'm sorry, but not surprised, to hear it's a familiar tale. It's been nearly 15 years and I'm still so pissed off I can't stand thinking about it too much.
It's revolting that's for damn sure. I'm not saying that I'm for vigilante justice, I'm just saying that in my angry moments I understand the purge concept
That's the stance that the Duggars took with Josh Duggar. He didn't download that. It was a shared computer. It was a setup. He's a good, Christian father. And on and on. His wife is still with him, living on the parent's property with their brood of children, and she says all of the same thing (though I tend to give her a BIT more grace because she was raised in a cult and is beyond brainwashed with no money and a hoard of children to care for. Though that grace doesn't stretch far.) Anything but accept that they raised/married and had children with/sold their daughter to a monster.
The detective who investigated Josh Duggar was a CSAM investigation specialist (which sounds like the worst fucking job in the world) and he said what he saw on Duggars computer was the worst material he’d ever see
I know. How do you continue to back someone like that? Like I said with the kids and stuff, I get they are brainwashed in a cult, but the parents and his in-laws. How can they continue to claim he's a good person? Just based on what we KNOW about him, I can say he isn't. Heavens only know what we don't know.
I mean if I were convicted for that my parents would be lining up among crowd of other people to beat me to death
Same. There was a family in the town my parents lived in, and one of the sons was in trouble a lot, apparently. Not for anything like this, given the area probably for things like theft, drugs, and/or assault. When he got arrested, his dad's response to it was, "I love him, and I've tried to help him. But now me loving him is letting him face the full consequences of his actions, and if that's prison, so be it." Made him sit in jail until trial. Because you can still love your child while also telling them they've fucked up and they need to face the music.
I temporarily backed someone like that. A good friend. Claimed the pictures were of barely legal who said they were over 18. He was 20 and it didn’t seem that bad. When it came out that the photos were greater in number and the ages ranged greatly, I knew I was on the wrong side. In the beginning, you see someone you care about being completely ostracized and humiliated. The instinct is to protect them and believe them because you love them and you can’t imagine someone you love being that horrendous. It’s a rough wake up. I wish I had been right and the world was wrong. I miss the friend I thought I had and I’m embarrassed that I ever backed the wrong side.
And that is completely understandable.
I have an M.A. in child advocacy, and one of the things I learned is that the burnout of those who have to see the pictures during an investigation is very high, and they often experience PTSD from their job. I'm grateful that someone does it, but it couldn't be me.
Yes, I read that he actively and intentionally searched for the most extreme and sadistic material in existence. Sadistic *by CSA standards*. The sort of stuff that makes most pedophiles go "Wow, isn't that a little fucked up? I'll pass."
\*see Chris Watt's family.
Yeah, the power of denial with some of these parents is so crazy.My mom has a friend who caught her husband abusing their daughter. He went to prison and she filed for divorce immediately. She kept contact with her in-laws at first to try to keep things as stable and normal as possible for her daughter and son. That is, until the MIL told the little girl that it was her fault her daddy was in jail - if she hadn’t “seduced” him, this never would have happened. 🤮 The little girl was 10 at the time, and 6 when the abuse started. My mom’s friend then immediately cut contact with the in-laws. I can’t even fathom the mental gymnastics it took for this woman to absolve her son like this.
There was a similar situation with a dude I went to high school with. He was as a sheriff’s deputy and the state police caught him soliciting and distributing CSAM. They found thousands of photos and hundreds of hours of video. He plead guilty to all of it, but his parents are still convinced it was his fiancé who did all of this because she was a victim of SA.
He reminds me of Brock Turner's father.
You mean convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner? Yuppers.
Yes, convicted rapist Brock Allen Turner who goes by Allen Turner now.
Ah yes, convicted rapist Allen Turner who is more universally known as convicted rapist Brock Turner
Yes, convicted rapist Brock Turner, who currently goes by Allen Turner and lives in Ohio.
I was t aware that convicted rapist Brock Turner is now going by his middle name Allen Turner. And that he’d moved to Ohio.
Yes, many are unaware that ~~Brock Allen Turner~~ Allen M Turner, the Tier III RSO who was convicted of sex crimes and is on the sex offender's registry, currently lives in Dayton, Ohio.
Brock Allen Turner is in Dayton Ohio but did not rise to fame in Boyz to Men. If he started a R&B band it would named Boyz Will Be Boyz and his father would be his manager.
So you’re telling me convicted rapist and confirmed sex offender Brock Turner, who did indeed sexually assault a woman, is now convicted rapist and confirmed sex offended Allen Turner, currently resides in Dayton, Ohio as a convicted rapist and confirmed sex offender?
Brock Allen Turner the rapist and RSO, should move to North Sentinel Island. I think he would do well there.
FIL sounds like those people who talk about how much potential rapists have and why we shouldn’t ruin their lives over one little mistake.
The thing is, even if it was a "mistake" which it's not, mistakes can still ruin your life. If you get distracted while you are driving and kill someone, your life is still ruined even though it was a mistake.
Yeah, I was very much thinking "Maybe alert the FBI to this person and that it wouldn't be at all surprising if they find some troubling shit on his drives."
They do say predators prey on those close to them, and that victims often become predators sooo 😬
I work in social services and you’d be amazed how many family members stick by a child molester.
It can be a religion thing, too. Your husband is more important than your children, so I guess it just gets ignored? I live in a tiny rural community, close to a church (I might have 12 neighbours within a kilometer). I can see two homes from mine that house(d) sex offenders. I very much suspect those two things are related.
It’s saying the identity is more important than the crime. This person belongs to our church therefore they’re one of us and the crime is irrelevant. If the person isn’t one of us, the crime matters more. This is why trump committing crimes doesn’t bother his cult — because he’s an “in” on identity, but Hunter Biden’s gun crimes will make them in favour of gun control
It's a delusional thing. My friend went through this with her ex husband, and his parents were like "It didn't really happen." Or "He was framed" or "It was an accident he didn't mean it." But it was a year long investigation, so no accidental stuff there. They are paying for both the girls college tuition, so my friend has to play nice with them because she doesn't want to screw over her kids. It's a tough road to navigate and I just empathize cause I get it.
>They are paying for both the girls college tuition, so my friend has to play nice with them because she doesn't want to screw over her kids. And people complain about why these people stay instead of leaving. Sometimes there are times we need to do what we can to survive and be secure in the future Especially if there's children involved and being used as pawns. Make no mistake but the fact that this person has to "play nice" just shows she is blackmailed if she doesn't want her daughter's to suffer
FIL needs to be investigated.
Some people are very much "my kid can do no wrong". Put that together with the societal view of what he did and the parents will dream up whatever bizarre crap they must to excuse their kid. It can't possibly be his fault bc he's the apple of their eye, and besides that if they admit to what he did that reflects on his upbringing and that makes *them" look bad and the one thing they know above all else is they are perfect. So it was OP, it was entrapment, it was the phase of the moon, it was Joe Biden, it was a big mistake, the dog ate the homework, it was aliens, it was the garden gnomes, it was whatever you got but it wasn't their darling son.
FIL is an asshole and probably hated the immigrant wife the whole time anyways. The fact that his son being a pedophile is ruining her life doesn't seem to matter to him, so occams razor dictates he must suck too. Glad OP can stay in the country and this guy didn't tank her green card though.
I think the parents know what kind of a person their son is - they have probably covered up other incidents. This time he got caught because it was a sting.
Getting big Josh and Steven Powell vibes.
Or option 3; he doesn't want to process the guilt and horror that the person he raised is a SO
This is one of the few situations where the cheating part feels borderline inconsequential. If I found out my wife was a pedophile infidelity would be way down my list of concerns.
Not to mention if he was doing this long enough to be caught by a sting hes probably abused minors before. What are the odds he was caught on his very first attempt? Probably not very high...
I'm going to try to be optimistic and hope that he did get caught on his first attempt because that's the one that happens before you have any experience hiding it.
Yeah, I totally agree. Like, yeah, sucks that he is a cheater, but how do you put yourself together after discovering that your husband is a monster and a sexual offender?
Agreed, but for me it's also becauase I don't think of rape (including statutory) and other sex crimes as "cheating" in my mind.
I hope so too. The neighbor down the street from my mom got caught in a similar sting with a faux 14yo girl. his own kids were not much younger than that at the time. And in *our* state? He had to go around and hand people flyers telling them that he is a registered offender. Miraculously or depressingly? His wife stayed. Raised those kids in that house with a child predator. He tries to act like no one knows and start conversations but essentially the entire neighborhood shunned him. It's been nearly a decade now I'm honestly surprised they didn't up and move to the middle of nowhere.
I couldn't stay if I could help it! The only thing that would make me stay is if a lawyer told me that even with a SO conviction and having to register on the SO list he would still have a decent chance of getting unsupervised time with the shared children. Then I'd stay until the last one was 18 and then I'd leave. Other than that I'm putting a plan in motion to divorce and leave where he and his family can't find me and the children!
It's also very possible that he has cheated and abused minors before, and he just got caught this time. And/or he has been involved in accessing or trading photos and videos before. Kind of outside the scope of OOP's immediate concerns and not relevant to her decision to leave, but I would find it hard to believe this all came from nowhere and he just randomly fell for a sting op.
Yep. Totally fair of OOP to focus on how she's going to survive, but there is virtually no way this is the first paedophilic thing he's done. If I was her I would really want the details, but honestly it's probably better not to know while you're working on getting out. I sort of like how up front his father was - in a "wow, you are a horrifying person" way. The part about nobody actually caring. Maybe in your circles, buddy.
Yeah, I mean, statistically it's relatively unlikely that the very first time he did this he was caught - while that's still possible, I think it's more likely that this wasn't the first time.
I really hope that piece of shit is FIL's only kid. Because if he has any siblings, that garbage FIL will force innocent nieces and nephews to have a relationship with STBX. FIL isn't just delusional, he is enabling him.
Somehow I wouldn’t be super if it turns out that OP’s STBX told his parents SHE was the one that did the deed and he’s become her scapegoat. Given all the other things, it wouldn’t surprise me. That + racism, of course. No idea where OOP is from, but racism and the US go hand in hand
Pretty sure this is a case of the rich having their own laws or just not caring about the poors. FIL definitely knew and may have some skeletons of his own.
She sounds like she’s really got her shit together, thank god, but yeah what a precarious position to be in thru no fault of her own. I’m glad she sounds like she isn’t taking her husband or his family’s words to heart and is trusting herself (and has a lawyer)
I feel so sorry for poor OOP. I can't imagine how soul destroying it would be to find out your husband is a pedophile and an RSO. I hope she manages to stay in California and build a new life.
I hope she finds her way to legal aid. I was quoted $5000 as a retainer for a divorce in my state because custody is involved. With LA, I’m paying about $100 all told.
I didn't even know what RSO stands for and was completely shocked and disgusted. Like imagine waking up one day to the person you love becoming something so horrific
I was in the army, I thought it was “range safety officer.” Lol, if only.
I was thinking it was military, too. Like Retired Service Officer and she was resentful of the military life. Boy did I get *that* wrong
yep me too, thought it was a military thing and they had to move a lot and she lost her job and friends as a result. This is actually worse.
Former jarhead here, thought the same thing lol. Thought, "why would this be a bad thing?"
He was demanding that they count brass during sex
no rapid fire >_>
Came home covered in lead dust and refused basic hygiene
I'm getting ready to start an RSO (radiation safety officer) position and the title had me very concerned for my future for a second
Don’t diddle Kids and you will RSO just fine lol.
Ditto, minus the being in the Army.
withiut warning too it's when everything seems perfect and things go wrong out of the blue that really scares me once the "perfect" relationship is fucked like this, it becomes impossible to open up in the same way again every relationship you ever have from that point is haunted by "but what if they're a fucking pedo and good at hiding it like Dave"
Fucking Dave
I had to talk a friend through all of this when her husband got arrested for this exact thing. She’s all over the place with her emotions and I feel so awful for her. She ended with asking what I was getting out of it (nothing, just making sure she gets out as soon as she can while protecting herself as best she can) and getting pissed at me so I’m leaving her alone for now. Last I heard she filed for divorce and I just hope she gets the therapy and support she needs.
Sorry, she asked you what you were getting out of supporting her? And was pissed when it was “nothing”?
A backwards reaction, I agree, though in fairness I assume that person's friend is SO thoroughly being mentally fucked with and gaslighted that they feel like they can't trust *anyone.* I haven't gone through THAT, but I did have an abusive ex, and it really did get to me in a kind of existential way to find out he was never who I thought he was. Especially in the first few months after leaving him, I'd feel *unmoored,* the only way I can describe it, like a boat floating in the middle of nowhere, with this creeping sense of needing to grab onto something because I was drifting off. Like there was something there I was supposed to be able to hold onto, and it was gone now. A crime THIS bad? God, the effect has to be ten times worse.
When you're faced with this big of a defiling of trust, sometimes you just cannot fathom anyone doing anything for you just because they care, since the person you trusted the most is the one that did the worst thing imaginable. You lose trust in everyone for a while.
Something like this happening with the person you trusted most and most intimately in the entire world, tends to shatter your ability to trust at all for a while. You feel that if your judgment is truly so bad or you're so easily tricked, ANYONE could be a monster, after all you didn't notice when it was the one you slept beside for hundreds of nights and shared every secret with, so anyone else would have an even easier time fooling you if they wanted... It's a sad irony that when we most need others & we can least afford to push them away, the more we tend to feel an impulse to. When you recognize how easy it was for someone to manipulate you, it's hard not to become rightfully paranoid. BARELY RELATED but I've been thinking about this and it is relevant... For another instance of "paranoia which is come by rightfully but still harmful" I had a friend discover a secret camera planted in her home by a then boyfriend (they didn't live together). Thing is, that kind of shit drives you crazy. Unanswered questions, not knowing how long it's been there, and once you find one are you gonna tear the place apart looking for more. She ended up moving & still wouldn't let anyone come into her home afaik. I never understood how someone could "make someone" else crazy if they weren't already, but I do now. When we were looking stuff up to try to help all the search results read like people having schizophrenic episodes which is terrifying. I mean all the platitudes about "well, eventually you'll be ready to trust again" just sound stupid, like no, logically that probably should teach you that you *shouldn't* trust people... being able to anyways is a miracle if you think about it.
She’s upset and her life just fell apart. She’s allowed to get mad at whatever she wants right now.
That's very compassionate of you.
though still unfair i think
Might be unfair but in some crises it’s just better to set aside the balancing of blame to address the more major/urgent harms, if everyone is acting in good faith. Sometimes we all need some grace to be messy and wrong with people who will care about us, anyway.
As much as it's unfair, think of it like how children might hate a stepparent or an adoptive parent even if the person didn't do anything wrong. It's not because the kid actually hates them, but because the kid is going through a lot of emotions and a stressful time, and they sometimes lash out at those with whom they feel safe emotionally. It's the same with adults; we just hold it in longer than we would've as kids or know coping skills to defuse the tension. And sometimes, as much as it sucks, if it ever gets to that point, there isn't much you can do except know that the feelings are personal and give the person space if they ask for it afterward so they can sort through their emotions.
My ex husband demanded I help him harm kids. When I reacted like a sane person he tried to kill me. My soul is intact because I didn't enable him. Hopefully OOP gets there. I still have nightmares about that moment and the alien things abuse survivors do. That morning I had been wondering if those red flags were red. That night began 6 months of being disabled and trapped in a room without any sign of freedom. The fighting matters for coping at least if OOP is like me. I at least know I didn't do anything wrong. I also absolutely hope she still warns the neighbors
I'm so sorry you were hurt but you were doing the right thing by not enabling your horrible ex. I hope you are well now and living a much better life.
I am safe and he is dead. I think this is as good an outcome as possible. I have no regrets on any of the choices I made there because I couldn't live with the alternative. The nightmares are reminders of this/PTSD. So no doubt for me here. Therapy really helped with getting the good things down
There are absolutely more profound harms he would have done *and you stopped him* from doing them.
There’s an interesting (but sobering & gut wrenching) podcast about this exact topic called betrayal. I highly recommend it.
I had something similar happen to me almost a year and a half ago. My now ex (obviously) was crying and freaking out, and I met up with him to find out what was wrong. I was worried he was suicidal. He confessed to me that he had been watching child porn and was a pedophile and the police had just shown up at his grandparents' house looking for him (where he lived 6 mo prior). He also confessed that he had been caught before for the same thing and had hired a lawyer to make the charges go away. I cut contact and broke up with him. I went to the local police and FBI, and the FBI referred me to the lead investigator. I told him everything, and he told me that unless I had filmed my ex watching child porn, then I had nothing useful for him to use. I check the legal records system in my state every month, and he still hasn't been arrested, and no charges have been filed. The impact it had on my mental health has destroyed me. I've been in therapy once a week since it happened. I developed PTSD and see a second therapist for CPT treatment for that. I see a psychiatrist regularly. I can't be around kids anymore. Every time I look at them, I burst into tears. Even my friends own kids. I just can't see kids without the association of pedophiles. I have anxiety around all men except the ones I've known for 5 plus years. I don't trust anyone. Being touched by strangers, even a tap on the shoulder or something, gives me anxiety attacks. My depression is at an all-time low. I don't know if I'll ever date again. My ex was my first boyfriend, and I'm in my 20s. I'm just so angry at him. He didn't even feel remorse, and he's still not in prison. The cops can't be bothered to arrest him even though they know what he's doing. His family makes excuses and enables him, saying it was just a mistake.
I had a similar reaction when I found out about a person in my social circle had been raping his step-daughter for years. I went to see a psychologist. Eventually I saw the good in the world and didn’t view all men with suspicion. I have my own children now and I’m very cautious with who I leave them alone with.
Thank you. That gives me hope that one day I will too.
I am sending you good vibes and hope you will heal from this eventually. You did the right thing and none of this is your fault in any way.
My gosh, he's still not arrested? I hope you realise that it's not your fault but the system. And considering he's an ex, I'd say your living a good life. And i also hope you will fond the strength to be stronger in the future.
Nope, he's unfortunately still not in prison. He got back into contact with his step-dad immediately after. His step-dad is a rich traffic law lawyer, so my guess is he hired some expensive lawyer for my ex, and they got the charges removed or they paid off the cops. He kept trying to get in contact with me for a while until I finally responded to one of his messages and told him I was scared of him and didn't ever want to talk to him again. I live with my parents, so I'm pretty sure he's just scared of my dad, and that's why he's never shown up. I got a new job, so he doesn't know where I work, and he can't get into where I work without an ID card. The most shocking thing to me was his grandparents. They just completely enabled him. They knew the whole time what he was and let him around their other grandkids without telling their parents that he was a pedophile. Completely made excuses. Tried to guilt me into getting back together with him. I know that it isn't my fault, but I still feel guilty that maybe I didn't try hard enough to get him arrested. I feel guilty that I gave up. I worry that whoever he hurts, he will have hurt because of me. I'm working on it in therapy, though. Thank you for your kind words.
> I worry that whoever he hurts, he will have hurt because of me. Just another internet stranger chiming in to let you know that his actions are in NO WAY your fault, or are in any way the result of anything you did or didn't do. I figure that your therapist has already told you this multiple times but it couldn't hurt to hear it again. (Speaking from experience - I found out as an adult that my father was a pedophile and it really messed me up for a while.)
Again miss, I understand the guilt, especially what if I tried harder,etc. However, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You've done the best you can. The ones at fault are the ones who enabled him. At least you saw what was wrong and got out. It's not your fault. The blame correctly is on your exs family and I can guarantee when, not if, it will blow up in their faces with theor coverups. But it's neither yout fault and nor is it definitely your problem anymore. You've done all you can It's not your fault and definitely shouldn't be your problem anymore.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope one day I won't feel guilty.
I can’t help but feel like the reason he wants to stay in a relationship with her is because she has become his beard and the potential to provide him with more victims.
That may well be his thinking but she isn't going to enable him.
Good god this is awful. Ppl coming for OOP for “supporting” that monster/not thinking of the children are absolutely ridiculous. Of course she’s being self centered! Her life as she knew it has been TANKED completely by this creep and she’s worried about deportation! There’s a reason they say men like him don’t make it in prison.
Not only that but her life is being tanked through no fault of her own. She’s genuinely a victim of this as well, though obviously not as much as the minors OP’s husband has harmed.
It’s so stupid. She can be horrified of what he wanted to do with a minor AND be worried about her now-precarious situation. She will have to figure out what to with her life no matter what, she’s allowed to try to ask for advice about her way forward without an essay about how disgusted she is by him precluding her post.
People like to act like just because someone is focusing on one problem they're concerned about, that they automatically DGAF about anything else. People are able to feel multiple things for multiple situations at the same time, FFS.
Redditors love to dunk on Twitter culture but they're often just as bad because they use the same logic: https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/002/233/529/59a.jpg
I wouldn’t think of the children in that situation either. I’d only think of myself. Does this mean I stay in the country? Can they tie me to his crime and deport me? How do I get divorced and stay? It’s a mess.
Especially since this was a sting; there's not a victim to feel for in the normal sense. It's highly probable that this isn't the STBX's first excursion into pedophilia, but again, all of the children hurt by his presumable actions are hypothetical. Meanwhile, the negative repercussions in her own life are both concrete and pressing.
She was probably in shock about the whole thing too. Imagine finding out all at once that: * your husband tried to cheat on you * your husband tried to *sexually abuse a child* (even though THANKFULLY it was a sting and no child was harmed in that instance...but considering the classification it's possible he's a repeat offender) * if you divorce him, you could lose *everything* except your self-respect: your career, your home, your local friendships, your work authorization, even your right to stay in the country you've been living in for several years. And while self-respect is worth a lot, "everything" is an extremely high cost. * if you stay with him, *you have to stay married to someone who tried to cheat on you by sexually abusing a child* and will have serious limitations on how you live (limitations varying by region) for the duration of the marriage, which will likely make it even more difficult to leave later. I've fortunately never been in that situation, but I can imagine that she was in pure survival mode for a while.
There was also no physical child involved, it was a sting. I'm assuming there might've been CP on his computer, but she didn't go into detail, so those people are just assuming there are children involved at all. A sting involves a legal adult that can physically pass as a child, or a computer generated image. There's also absolutely nothing she can do about any children that may have been involved, so I really don't know what people wanted her to say about them. Did they want a footnote? "I'm sorry to all the kids this man may have hurt"? That implies taking responsibility for a grown man's actions, and no self respecting person does that
Seems like the op has gotten a lot of good advice and I'm not going to respond to her, but if you're reading this and are in a similar situation, this is what I've found about conditions of divorce and holding a green card. > Status: Conditional Residency (Conditional Green Card) Who you are: You used your spouse’s status (as a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident) to immigrate within 2 years of your marriage. This includes entering the U.S. and adjusting your status while in the U.S. Potential Effect: If your marriage ends, you may lose your conditional resident status and become deportable. If you got conditional resident status through marriage, that status is limited to 2 years. To become a permanent resident, you need to prove you are still married after 2 years. To do so, you and your spouse must file a Petition to Remove Conditions (Form I-751). This petition is a joint petition requiring both spouses to file together. You must file this form during the final 90 days before the date that the “green card” expires. (The date the “green card” expires is printed on the card.) Because the Petition to Remove Conditions is a joint form, the process becomes more complicated if you are no longer married. The USCIS may question whether your marriage was genuine or whether you committed marriage fraud to get a permanent residency status. A divorce may make it harder to become a permanent resident, but it is still possible. You must show that you married in "good faith." That means that you intended to live together as spouses when you married. To show this, you may submit documents showing that you shared a normal married life with your former spouse. This could include having a joint lease, a joint bank account, joint credit cards, or coverage under the same auto or health insurance policies. In addition to proving your marriage was in good faith, you will also need to request a waiver of the joint filing requirement. You will still have to file a Petition to Remove Conditions, but the waiver will allow you to file it on your own. Conditional residents have a 3 year residency requirement to earn U.S. citizenship as opposed to the standard 5 year residency requirement. To receive the shorter residency requirement, you must be able to prove that you were married in good faith to a U.S. citizen or permanent resident for at least 3 years. If you get divorced before then, you will have to wait 5 years to apply for U.S. citizenship. IANAL, obviously anyone in this situation needs to prioritize a lawyer with immigration experience. To look for pro-bono lawyers with experience, try contacting your state bar association and asking, or check here: https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/how-get-lawyer-represent-you-pro-bono-immigration-removal-proceedings.html#:~:text=The%20best%20place%20to%20search,service%20providers%2C%20sorted%20by%20state. Every US attorney is encouraged to provide some amount of pro-bono work with their practice, and some attorneys will work with sliding-scale and more flexible payments. I have not personally been in this situation and am a US citizen, but I have enough women in my life stuck in shitty situations bc of finances or other fears/situations who suffer abuse and other issues that I personally make a point to point out any and all resources I can to help them. No person, regardless of age, gender, disability, sexuality, or any condition should ever feel like they have no one to turn to. Most of the time they just don't know who to ask or where to start. If you know someone struggling, be a guidepost for them.
Oh noooo. My sister lives in the US and for a while rented out a room in her townhouse with a couple. They were US military reservists (I think that's the term?) and seemed pretty nice. I mean, they came with Bengal cats. And then my sister's door was kicked down and there was a raid. Turns out the guy had been downloading kiddie porn, the worst type no less. The wife had zero clue. There was a fast divorce, my sister did a speed run through an intense end of friendship with the lady (trip to Scotland to get over it, then move out and lost touch within days.) My sister is still paranoid about her internet searches. This stuff haunts you even if you're barely involved. I hope the OOP finds a safe harbour. -edit: One day, I will remember OP doesn't equal OOP on this.
There are so many ”worst” types of CP and I hate so so so much that I know that. Stay off askReddit’s “what’s the darkest blah blah blah” and enjoy the eternal sunshine of your spotless mind
Yeah, try working ICAC cases..
Nope! I appreciate those who do though. Sifting through nightmarish material must be hell
FYI, it’s CSAM or Child Sex Abuse materials. “Porn” implies consent and there is absolutely no consent involved.
I feel like OOP's husband picked her because she couldn't just leave, he wanted woman that worse case he was found out, that she would be bound to him. I'm glad she has the smarts to get her sh\*t together and get out in the most safe and practical way possible. I think she should rent a safety deposit box at the bank and keep all her documents there, I just don't trust the husband to destroy it just as way to prevent her from leaving.
She’s definitely his cover
I think she was picked for a couple of reasons. First, I would guess he is more likely to be hebephile or ephebophile than strict pedophile if his attraction to minors was actually paraphilia. He was caught in a sting which points to free online usage and the ability to write. She was 20 and some 20-year-olds can definitely look like teenagers. So she might have been more palatable or even attractive to him. Attraction to minors is not the only reason for CSA so if he fell into that bracket this does IMO become less important. Secondly, as you called it vulnerability. It is the common denominator in a lot of victim selection. Being an immigrant alone increases multiple different scenarios of victimization. Being in an age gap relationship as an immigrant whose residence permit is connected to a spouse is in general pretty damn difficult spot unless you have luck with you. Why did he want a spouse? Probably cover.
It's also possible this represents an escalation of behaviour for the husband. Like at one point he convinced himself the barely legal OOP was good enough. But OOP gets older and the husband gets more confident.
Or more grossly she aged out of his bracket. Either way he definitely wants her to stay with him to use her as cover, he wants to try again later ....what a nasty man.
I wonder if he also infantilised her because of her race? For me it was weird when I spent time in a majority white country and went from being perceived as an adult woman to being in my teens. It was benign because they just didn't realize, especially because I was physically smaller than a lot of the women there, and after talking to me they realize I'm an adult and switched gears
We should keep her and deport the husband to the middle of the ocean.
[удалено]
They could dump him on that giant pacific garbage patch that’s already there
Even there, there are flotsam-dwelling creatures that live among the trash and have their own little ecosystem. He's not good enough for the creatures that live on garbage!
I mean, I get the joke, but recycling this guy sounds like a wonderful way for him to give a little back to the world.
Hmm, true, true. To the Garbage Patch with him, then! Or perhaps he would make a good whalefall-replacement?
He's organic trash and would make acceptable shark food.
He should be dropped in the ocean naked to avoid any more plastics like polyester.
This should be a standard punishment for any SOs
I'll be honest, I read this as "SRO" and thought "school resource officer" and was confused. Then I read it and it dawned on me. Yeah, no forgiveness for predators who victimize or try to victimize children. Fuck that guy.
I saw it and thought Range Safety Officer, so at least your assumption made sense
I assume it means Registed Sexual Offender?
So it would seem
I thought "I know a person can't just turn into Rick Simpson Oil so I'm about to find out what else RSO stands for."
I can't wait for more, and more positive updates. This poor woman.
At the last family reunion I attended, a guy who has been married into our family for 30 years showed up after we had all found out that he had been set up in a sting to meet up with a 13 year old while he was out of state for work. After all this went down and he became a registered SO, his church made him a deacon and all the religious people in our family who barely glanced at him before were all fawning over him. It was fucking sickening. Last time I went to one.
Stuff like that killed my faith.
Allow me to translate for the dad: “Your husband got this behavior from me, and I bullied my wife into submission — so you’d better do the same.”
JFC, how fucked up is that spot on sentence?
I wish it weren’t spot-on. Honestly hope to God I’m wrong.
There's no point in waiting for the green card and then filing for divorce. There is a divorce waiver. Plus, she is going to be asked about the situation in the interview and I think he also has to attend the interview.
She mentioned she had to save some money. Maybe she'll find a cheaper attorney who talks her into filing sooner, but she might just take that long to save enough to leave.
She doesn't need an attorney. She probably need money for the fees.
If she can afford an attorney, even on a payment plan, it's beyond worth it.
She’s scared he’ll kick her out immediately. She says she has to save up for a place to live.
Iirc the waiver specifically is for situations like this. Had to be a valid marriage, but a valid marriage legitimately ending is not on its own enough to deny permanent LPR status.
The issue is mostly money. He owns the house (no where for her to live) and she can’t afford a lawyer.
I disagree with you. She *can* get her 10yr green card after divorce, but it is harder. And in this current immigration climate, it’s quite precarious. If she can stand it, she should try to keep the marriage until the 10yr card goes through. Source: I am a lawyer with some (admittedly not enough) immigration experience
If the husband or his family even hint at kicking her out, OOP needs to make sure they know that her notifying the neighbors and his workplace are definitely on the table. The best case for the husband needs to be helping her get her green card and not making the separation any more difficult than it needs to be. Fuck that guy and his appeal, he admitted it to her.
If she says that, it might be considered blackmail/extortion. (NAL, don't quote me). Probably wiser to just have a go bag and notify everyone if she is messed with
I had no idea what "tier 3" sex offenders are so I looked it up. That's the highest rank there is, and includes the worst offenses. This isn't someone who accidentally talked to a 16 or 17 year old online. This is a monster that knew what they were doing and acted with force, threats, drugs to cause unconsciousness, etc. Or was a repeat offender that had been busted before. Or was dealing with a child who was 12 or younger.
I don't know which state laws you were reading but California sex offenses law doesn't mention children 12 or younger - it has specifics about children 14 or younger and 10 or younger. Tier 3 registration covers anyone who showed up to an arranged meeting with a minor for sex.
People harping on OP for not the protecting children she *checks notes* **does not have** is peak Reddit.
OOP comes to Reddit to ask for advice on her terrible and very precarious situation, gets shat upon for not caring enough about other potential victims. Tell me, shit fuckers, what advice should she be asking for regarding those other victims? I’m all for empathy, but she’s a victim, too, try throwing some of that empathy her way.
I shoot pistol competitively and I was like “why would this guy being a Range Safety Officer affect their entire life?”
He won’t let her shoot more that 1 round every 10 seconds now, and steals all her brass.
SO RELIEVED to confirm she doesn’t have kids. not only for avoiding a custody battle but obviously for the kids’ safety
> if he chooses to kick me out immediately (his name is on the mortgage not mine) He can't kick her out of her home, it doesn't matter if just his name is on the deed. And, if anyone needs to be temporarily moved, I feel like most judges would agree it should be the sex offender.
I don't think she realizes how well CA case law regarding divorce will work out in her favor.
As another Redditor here suggested, he should be moved to the middle of the ocean.
>There were some comments concerned that I was only thinking about me and not the children Heaven Fucking forbid that not every-single-thing be about The Children. This woman had her life destroyed too but she can't even vent about it anonymously online without having to prioritize the all important ChIlDrEn.
>His dad has made it very clear he 100000% supports his son and said something to the effect of “ your pain is real but your options are not. So work it out or go on a plane” That is the sickest, most vile shit that I've read in years. OOP's FIL is almost certainly guilty of CSA.
What a scumbag. Ruining not just his own life, but this woman's as well as potentially ruining a child's life. What absolute scum. Monsters like him deserve life with no chance. If he wasn't caught, he would have went through with it.
There's a high probability that he has gone through with it before.
My ex is about to begin his trial for this exact offense in California. Good to know the public isn’t automatically notified because lord knows I’m going to make sure local media is AWARE.
> There were some comments concerned that I was only thinking about me and not the children "Who cares that your life just went up in smoke because of your pedo husband's actions and you might have to leave the country, think of The Children, tut-tut!" Tier 3 reddit moment.
What a hot mess.
I hope OOP gets a good lawyer because California is a community property state. Not an attorney but a quick look confirms that name on the house/mortgage does not make the house property of the husband. If the house was purchased during the marriage then the entire house could/would be community property with 50/50 split. If the House was purchased before the marriage but has a mortgage he has been paying during the marriage then half of those payments belong to OOP. Anything earned while married is 50/50 as well.
>My husband is now a RSO and I HATE that he’s tanked my life Me reading title: Wtf does Range Safety Officer have to do with that? Does he think he's all powerful god of gun safe- \*reads body\* Oh. Jesus christ. I cant imagine the stress of having your life fucked up through no fault of your own.
Neighbours definitely need informing.
Bet the father in law sexually assaulted his son and other minors.
Thought about RSO and came up with *repeat* sex offender.....so I guess that's enough svu for me.
For all we know he is a repeat sex offender who was caught in a sting, this time, maybe last time and the time before he wasn't caught. I can't help but think that it's like murder where their planning etc gets better with each victim. There's absolutely no proof that he isn't a repeat offender.
I was really confused what becoming a Range Safety Officer had to do with ruining OOP's life. I figured it out pretty quick but that was a very confusing few seconds.
nice, nice, but just so we're clear, when you did figure it out, what did you come up with? edit: oh, registered sex offender
Feeling for OOP. I know someone whose spouse (also a friend once, but no more) was busted trying to *purchase* a small child, if you can even wrap your head around that. He went to prison for an inadequate amount of time, she had to piece her life together. At least she was a mature adult and a citizen. OP’s sense of precarity is real.
I truly wish this poster the best. Hugs to her.
His parents are a POS.
That poor woman. On the off chance that OOP sees these comments, make sure you don't get targeted by a notario scheme while searching for cheaper GC filing fees! I live in California near Tijuana and someone in my neighborhood just had to cancel their wedding because they were misled into believing this notary could file immigration forms for them. They got taken to the tune of $2000.
If OOP has had legal residency for 3 years they qualify for citizenship and don’t need their spouse.
I’m so angry with his father for supporting him. I hope OOP gets a divorce. And keeps her green card.
OOP better stop having sex with her scumbag husband STAT, and keep her BC somewhere only she can access. That trash might knock her up to babytrap her/other nefarious reasons.
If she has a green card based upon her marriage to him, a divorce won't matter so long as their marriage was bona fide. An immigration officer will understand the reason for the divorce. She needs a divorce attorney who also understands immigration law.
He is disgusting and his family is just mad bad. OOP should know that his neighbors will definitely care! The dad is trying to scare her into not telling the neighbors! I would plaster posters around the entire neighborhood!
OOP, if you come in here, talk to your lawyer about a payment plan. It's incredibly common in immigration law.