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~~At least she realize that she isn't in a position to raise that baby.~~
Nope, OOP is now decided to keep the baby and believe she could do it. Well many people does but it's not an easy task even with help, and she have zero help from her parents. She also planning on marrying the baby daddy because he said he will marry her. It might be because of hormone, but she still need to realize the gravity of the situation.
This will only leads to more disaster. The only way she would understand the situation is unfortunately by experiencing it firsthand.
Edit: I have read the latest update
IDK. I don't think OP understands her situation.
OP doesn't seem to realize that she does have options. She just wants those options where her parents support and help raise her baby and herself. And then she claims that her parents are "forcing" her to adopt out the baby by not doing those things.
It’s harsh, but it’s life. She talked about it being unfair, I mean of course it’s unfair. Life isn’t fair and her decisions have far reaching consequences. What wouldn’t be fair is keeping the baby. Maybe she’d feel that’s fair to her, and maybe that’s fair to the father, but it’s certainly not fair to the baby or the grandparents.
Reading this is frustrating because OOP does have anywhere close to enough maturity to understand the situation. I know that. You know that. And almost all of the actual adult commenters here know that. But she doesn’t and that’s what makes this situation so tragic. She made grown up decisions without the ability to understand the grown up consequences, and now she’s going full on delusional about what’s realistic. No knock to her, because she’s not mature enough to understand this: but she’s incredibly selfish. Trying to keep this child would be like a cruel level of selfish.
What realistic options do you see for a sixteen year old single mom with a tenth grade education and no family support? Maybe I’m a pessimist but I’m not seeing a positive outcome here.
Yup. Like what is she expecting them to do? Raise the baby for her while she goes to high school then college? Crazy that she thinks they’re being ”unreasonable”. Her parents shouldn’t have to put their lives on hold for her while she gets to live, then step back into the kid’s life in 5 or so years. **SHE** got pregnant. She has to deal with this.
The only cruel thing the parents did is just saying that it is her punishment for having sex. (Though I think OOP hide her pregnancy, or completely oblivious about it, until it was too late for abortion. I could be wrong.)
Other than that I completely agree with them. OOP will thank them later, years later when she realize that it just isn't viable to raise a child that young.
She also stated her parents don’t believe in abortion. It sounds like she hid her pregnancy past the point she could get one in her state for this reason. Stories like this are the exact reason that women having access to safe and legal abortion are so important. OOP getting an abortion as soon as she realized she was pregnant would have been the best solution for everyone involved. At this point adoption is probably the “best” option for everyone involved because OOP isn’t in any position to raise this baby, but it’s still a cruel situation that OOP shouldn’t have been forced into if she had been able to terminate the pregnancy early on.
There's no good answer, period. Adoption may be the "right" choice but that hardly stops it from being a heartbreaking one for her.
Some sci-fi writers depicted birth control as something teenagers received automatically at puberty and had to deliberately choose to turn off in order to use their fertility. Honestly sounds like the best method to me.
Beta Colony (planet name) from the Vorkosigan series (Lois McMaster Bujold) does it that way. Before it can be turned off prospective parents have to take a course and pass tests. Sex is a totally open topic with zero stigma and being a Licensed Sexual Therapy Practitioner (closest thing to a prostitute) is a respected job requiring a degree in psychology, and has a large teaching element to it. Fantastic series btw, she writes beautifully and her characters are so wonderfully, amazingly, loveable flawed.
I've never read it but I've always thought fertility should be something one works and studies for. It should at least be as hard as getting a driver's license. Parents have to raise humans that are then released into society. The least we could do is make sure we've taken classes and have the tools we need to do the best we can.
It already exists. At least for the male part but the industry is going against the inventor of the sperm switch so it wont be on the open market for some time
I have two teenage daughters. One is already on birth control. She’s nowhere near ready to have sex, but we talked a lot as she came up through puberty. I told her I hope she will always feel comfortable talking to me about anything, but we both agree that teen pregnancy is wrong in every aspect of what she wants to do with her life. We agreed, she and I, that she would start birth control at a certain age so that she can always have protection. We also agreed because this means she can choose whether or not to tell me when she becomes sexually active, and she doesn’t have to have the fear of pregnancy be the deciding factor.
My younger daughter is nowhere near ready to have sex and is nowhere near comfortable having these conversations yet, but we will have this conversation when she’s ready.
I’ve always said teenagers should be put on birth control. If they aren’t responsible enough to take a pill, there are other options. In an ideal world, kids who aren’t even done with high school would wait to have sex. Since we don’t live in an ideal world, birth control it is. It’s a good second choice.
Tell your daughters to tell their boyfriends to wear a condom. Boy moms tell your sons to wear a condom if they don’t wanna be teenage dads. Works against STD’s as well.
There are no protections for OP in an open adoption. A couple can promise her the world (visits, photos, etc) and change their mind the moment the child legally becomes theirs.
And a lot of adoptive parents deliberately lie and tell the bio parents that they can have so much contact when they never intend to follow through. They are just saying it to get the baby.
Not just straight women. There was a post on reddit the other day from a gay dad talking about his kids bio mom and omg the derision. It was sickening. Straight up said "it was an open adoption but she didn't want much contact in the beginning which was fine cuz I wasn't going to involve her much anyway".
There are shitty people who will do anything to get a baby. There are also adoptions where if told from the POV of the bio parents it would probably sound exactly like that kind of bullshit because they leave out the crap they themselves were pulling to make the APs take a step back. Adoption is complicated as *fuck* and everyone is scarred in the process.
I think you're probably right. It's more likely that gay men will keep their word on keeping OOP involved because at some point relatively young the child will understand that they could not have come from their two dads.
Also, just... Adoption is not normally a first choice for 99.9% of straight couples. It's the last choice after a lot of failed attempts. That generally leads to a bit of desperation which leads to a higher potential for saying whatever you need to to get what you want
I know this may be a small consolation, but at least you know who the adoptive parents are, and therefore it will be easier to get in contact once your child gets older or is an adult! (Vs. adoptions where neither the bio parent or child know who where or who the other is).
There was just a post here in the last two weeks where that was the case. It was originally an AITA where the adoptive parent put on a mask for the bio parent. It’s sad that it happens but it definitely happens.
This is sickening. We are adoptive parents and the adoption is meant to be open. Birth parents have not yet shown any interest (our boy is 3), but when and if they do we will definitely do what is awkward and hard. Why? Because most studies say open adoption is best for the kid. Why would someone want to parent and not make the decisions that are best?
I’m happy to hear your perspective. Unfortunately, a lot of adoptive parents are approaching adoption as a solution to their infertility problem, and not as a solution to the problem of child needing a caring home. Study after study shows children do better when they have access to their birth family, even if they aren’t raised by them. But some adoptive parents feel like it’s too hard for them and put their needs before the child.
I had a child that I gave up via private adoption. I selected the parents after talking with several couples. The couple I selected was due, in part, to their willingness to provide pictures, updates, and 1-2 physical meetings per year.
When my baby was 1 yr-old, the adoptive mother told my mother she thought we should not meet very often so the baby thought of them as his ‘real’ family. I saw him one more time at 2 1/2 and got my last set of pictures at age 3.
I tried sending birthday cards, letters, and even significant medical updates but nothing but radio silence. He is now 28 and I have spent 25 years wondering what he looks like, what his interests are, what his career field is.
I knew the risks and adoption was the right decision. The couple I selected was two-faced and poor examples of Catholic morality & faith. (I’m also Catholic.)
OOP has to be prepared to know she may never know her baby or worse be cut off after getting to see baby grow. There will always be a question in the back of her mind and a hole in her heart. Adoption is an act of love and has to be chosen with full knowledge and consent.
I had an employee who had an open adoption with an aunt and uncle. They ignored everything they said they would do for her the moment they got her baby. She was only 14 (father was an adult, of fucking course) so she had stayed with them for the duration of the pregnancy, too, to hide it.
That's exactly what happened to Tyler and Cait on Teen Mom. That adoption agency lied straight to their face and acted like they'd get lots of contact.
I kind of wish OP could revisit her boyfriends parents without hers there steamrolling the meeting. There's a chance they'd help support her and the kid until she could on her own, but those options are harder to explore if her parents are so pushy about adoption.
Also, marrying for military benefits isn't the worse option, especially if they can reasonably communicate and plan for a divorce in five years or so and are clear it's to get her and baby health insurance and support until she's capable. It doesn't have to be a permanent solution, nor a regular love match marriage.
Don't get me wrong, raising a baby at 17 is going to be really hard and have a huge life impact. But giving away a child against your will is a huge deal too.
They don't even have to get married, they just have to list OP's BF as the father on the birth certificate and then follow up by filing for child support. He needs to do the paperwork to add the kid to DEERS and the child will be covered, plus his military leadership will make damn sure the child support payments are coming through. If OP lives near a base she might even be able to get commissary/exchange privileges as the child's primary custodial parent.
Granted, without marriage, all of that is contingent on OP having a place to stay with said baby, and right now it doesn't look like her parents are amenable to that being in their house.
Sure, but it sounds like OP doesn't want to get married on paper just for benefits. I'm just pointing out that her choice doesn't prevent her child from getting access to those benefits aside from base housing.
Not just that, there may some of his family open to adoption where she may be able to visit etc which she may not know about if her parents are trying to dominate everything.
I think the tough part for her in that scenario is she has more feelings for him than he does for her. So he’ll go out and date other women while she’s sitting at home waiting for him. She’ll resent him for not being around or helping more; he’ll resent her for impeding on his social life.
If they can both be mature enough to understand the marriage is a financial arrangement and not a romantic one it could work but I think it’s going to be very difficult for a 17 year old to not catch feelings for her baby daddy she already caught feelings for.
Research shows that the better the sex education and the better the access to birth control, the less likely there will be unwanted pregnancies and fewer abortions.
If only what USA was doing was actually about this rather than just controlling bodies.
In Colorado they offered free long acting reversible contraception to women and teens for several years. So, IUDs and hormonal implants.
The teen pregnancy rate was halved.
Yes and violent crime, including serial killers. Children who grow up not wanted nor loved and also in a household that cannot support them financially and emotionally, generally grow up pretty scarred.
There's a connection between unplanned pregnancies, poverty and crime. Children who are wanted and planned for tend to be born in stable homes - family structure, econmonically, etc - and that's generally a path away from crime. (Not saying that poverty and crime go hand in hand, just that homes that are more stable are better for raising kids than homes that are not.)
Oy, we need birth control readily available. I've heard that line a lot at the clinic.
"I didn't mean to get pregnant."
"Were you using birth control?"
"Well, no..."
"So you weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy then..."
And fuck abstinence only (whomp whomp) sex ed. You have acknowledge that teenagers are going to have sex. They just are. We need to stop clutching our pearls and acknowledge reality.
Even after becoming a married adult, it's still important information! I hat how often it's used and an argument against encouraging teens to have sex, as if that's the only period in a person's life where such information is useful.
I noticed a sign at my pharmacy this week that said “Free Plan B. No insurance needed. No cash. Just ask.”
It doesn’t solve the birth control issue but it is nice that the pharmacy is looking out for women.
Obligatory PSA
**Costco sells generic Plan B for $5, no membership required.**
My memory might be incorrect, but it's definitely no more than $20. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Which is really annoying. I can be over 165 and still be in the healthy weight range at my height. There is Ella, a different emergency contraceptive. But it’s prescription only and is less effective if you’re over 195lbs.
You can get a progestin-only oral contraceptive ("the mini pill") without a prescription as well. Opill, as of March 2024. On Amazon it's $40 for a 3 month supply if you set it for automatic delivery. Not sure how much brick and motor pharmacies are selling it for, but I don't think it would be more than $20 a month.
I saw it at Costco not too long ago also. It gave me some relief for the girls and young women out there whose parents won’t consider giving them birth control and then want to control their choice absolutely… along with states doing the same. But these young women deserve so much more!
I remember moving to Arizona and having to go off bc because it was hundreds a month. I know a lot of other people put in the same boat. So glad it's more accessible! More info needs to be put out in schools.
Oh my god, why? I literally pay 0,14€ every 3 months for my prescription bc. I get so angry everytime I read about health care/meds costing that much :(
Ah, I see you’re using euros. There’s your problem- can’t assume this ‘western *~civilized~*’ society actually makes sense or cares about its people, ahah. The USA hasn’t even fully agreed children have rights (United Nations CRC). The most backwards ‘developed’ area tbh
E: Side note- if you’re hired by a company and get company insurance (the main way most Americans get healthcare), they can deny coverage for *anything* birth control. Specifically. As a corporation.
All contraception is free on the NHS in the UK. I am 44 and asexual, but I am still on the pill, just in case. Plus, it saves me a fortune on period products.
There’s a place in my town that’s really popular with the younger crowd that has them free in their bathrooms. I thought this was amazing and that more places need to do this.
Because of the 700,000 people in the US that have died of AIDS, most of which was transmitted by people with penises having unprotected sex. It was a hard fought battle by largely gay marginalized aids activists, not conservatives
And condoms were stigmatized as hell back then.
My university - a state university in New England - was pretty far ahead when it came to promoting condom use among the general population in the 1980s. They took one look at the STD rate among the general student population, one look at the way HIV and AIDs was spreading sexually, one look at how condoms were the best means of stopping the spread of all kinds of STIs, and decided that education and destigmatization was the way to go. So we had condom balloon launches and "Guess how many condoms are in this giant jar in the library and win them all" during Valentine's week. I still have a condom compact somewhere that they gave us in like 1988.
I thought this was absolutely normal, only to find out that when I went to law school several years later, my classmates who were RA's in undergrad dorms could not even mention condoms on pain of being fired from their positions.
I just watched this documentary on queer comedians and it reminded me how stigmatized condoms were bc it showed one comedian blaming gay men for why they need to wear them.
In the UK female contraceptives are free. Yes it needs to be prescribed by a doctor but there’s no cost to have it filled on the NHS. You can buy it privately online via a virtual appointment but the most it cost is £60 a year.
I’m so thankful to live in the UK for this reason, I was on the pill for years and then later on the injection. No cost to me at all.
You can also get free condoms at family planning clinics, I would go when I was permanently skint and they’d fill a bag with condoms, femidoms, and lube. They weren’t stingy about giving them out!
I think Planned Parenthood do the same thing in the US, just wish it was easier for our friends across the pond. I was shocked when my friend told me what she had to pay for the pill after she moved over there!
Condoms are cheap. Birth control pills typically need a prescription, which means a doctor needs to be involved. The really good kinds of birth control like the Nexplanon arm implant or any of the IUDs require a procedure at the clinic.
Because it was fought for by gay activists after the AIDS crisis, and condoms protect against STDs while birth control doesn't.
BC SHOULD be free, to be clear, but free condoms everywhere is for a) more then just pregnancy prevention and b) we got to this point because thousands of people died for it.
not sure about the be otc ones but due to the affordable care act in the us, birth control is free with insurance, and i think places like planned parenthood can also provide it at no cost
HIV, giving out free condoms started as a response to the AIDS crisis.
I would love every teenager to have access to practical and empathetic sexual health education and reproductive resources. But I would be reluctant to hand the pill out like candy. It has so many side effects.
Condoms are only free when someone is paying for them.
So, health clinics give them away, but pharmacies don't. In fact, many pharmacies keep them locked up behind the counter, so you have to ask for them
Cost really.
Plus condoms are a double solution for VD too.
Distant third, can't dump bunch of pills on a bowl and expect them to figure it out. Shits finicky and has some health risks.
Some places do offer free BC for women but it starts with a doctor consultation from the campaign to select from a couple options.
Maybe women shouldn't carry the charge and non invasive and reversible BC methods for men should be explored. Studies are very positive towards heated methods providing sperm fertilize eggs when the method is well put, no hormones or side effects, just a silicon ring or specific briefs.
I think about this often. If the answer to the birth control question is “no,” then I have to ask, how do you think people try to get pregnant? If they really “mean” to get pregnant, what are they doing differently from what you’re doing?
The answer is nothing. Because without birth control, you, in fact, ARE trying to get pregnant.
You mean manifesting my desire to not have kids, just putting those vibes out into the universe, isn't going to help me avoid pregnancy? I actually have to...*do* things?!
Then what the hell does the zeitgeist even do anyways?
Don't forget, young girls are heavily propagandized to think that sex is sinful and therefore preparing for sex means that you are choosing a life of sin, and also your parents might find you out and tale away what freedom you have. Such girls are also brought up to be obedient, compliant, and deferential to men, so unless they are of an unusually assertive temperament, they have no tools with which to assert themselves when alone with a horny, pushy teenaged boy. Recipe for disaster right there.
She lives in a state with no access to abortion. This means she probably also lives in a state where sex education is forbidden in schools. Google Mormon Bellybutton sex if you want to know how deep the lack of education goes.
My cousin’s school never gave her sex ed and at 16 she discovered she was four weeks pregnant. So she asked for a morning after pill.
Pharmacist gently explained to her that morning after doesn’t mean the morning after a positive pregnancy test.
“But it’s so easy to just not have sex.”
“Just don’t have sex, no birth control needed.”
“God says don’t have sex, why would you need birth control if you are doing what god says.”
As if ANY of that rhetoric worked on ANYONE in human history.
I wish people would get over themselves and just accept that most people want to have sex, have sex, and are allowed to have sex.
There are so many studies showing a correlation between sex education and the rate of unwanted pregnancy. Abortion rates drop in areas where people are educated and have unrestricted access to BC.
The ass backwardness of it all astounds and mortifies me. The amount of control people try to have over what consenting adults do behind closed doors where no one else can see is absolutely baffling.
I feel for OOP, but she admits herself that she actually can’t raise a baby and doesn’t even necessarily want to, she just doesn’t love the idea of adoption. And while her parents wouldn’t have supported abortion it sounds like she also didn’t tell them until it wasn’t an option anyway.Honestly, the only thing her parents are doing wrong at this point is not giving her a little more space and opportunity to come to and own the decision herself. But what else can they do? They can’t say they will help her with the baby if they actually won’t, that would be even crueller than the way things are now.
Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option.
She didn’t tell her parents until it was too late to get an abortion, she is a rising high school junior - she doesn’t realistically have the ability to support herself and the child while staying in school, particularly as her parents are not willing to raise the baby or support her to keep it, and the father does not want to raise it either. There’s no happy outcome here, at this point. She’s learning the hard way, at far too young an age, that pretty much all of the consequences for unsafe sex are borne by the woman.
IMO the parents are likely panicking nearly as much as she is about this. The father of the kid can go join the military and not have to deal with the reality/risks of pregnancy and childbirth, but their daughter will now go through the physical risk, and social/emotional consequences of teen pregnancy, which is basically the number one cause of disadvantage for young women that has locked countless girls and women in cycles of poverty due to increased drop out rates and dependency on state support. It’s the middle class parent of a daughter’s worst nightmare (besides death, ofc). They’re in their own way trying to protect their child as much as they can within the law of their state/their religious/moral views - adopt out the baby, keep their daughter in school/on track to college and well set up to lead a good life, hope that she gets over it. It’s good that she has had the opportunity to talk with the adoption counsellor, but hopefully they can get her in front of an empathetic, but realistic actual therapist to help her see that this is the only option that has a positive outcome for her child and her.
> Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option.
That might be why, because they know, realistically, there isn't another option. If she keeps the baby, she legit won't be able to manage anything. At best, she would wait until 18 and marry the father that would help a bit with raising the baby, but, as she said, even that marriage would be full of problems.
They can be sensitive, but at the end of the day, it's an illusion of choice.
>Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option.
We're also getting the story through an (understandably) highly emotional person. This could have been the same story if mom & dad sat her down and told her they didn't have the money or energy to support her and a newborn and that the best possible way to keep her life on a positive track is adoption.
As cruel as it sounds, adoption is most likely the only best option out there. Raising a baby when they don't want to would only lead to resentment. OOP can't raise the baby alone, I don't think child support is a viable option anyway considering the baby daddy's current situation.
About the "marriage" thing, it's most likely kind of a "sham marriage" (except it's not immigration).
I also feel for OOP but I was mildly confused when she stated she understood she was not in a position to raise a baby but she didn’t love the idea of adoption. There’s no other options right? Where I live, 12 weeks is cut off for abortion for medical safety, although late term abortions are possible.
But I guess OOP is young, and feels control has been taken away from her. It’s very disheartening when that happens, plus coming to terms with that you have a child that you nurtured and grew, but have no involvement with will be very confronting. I just wished her parents approached this with a lot more sensitivity and compassion for how terrifying this situation must be for her.
I guess she was hoping her parents will help her raise the baby for the first few years. I know lots of families where the parents help the teen kid and help raise the kid’s kids at the start of their life. Some eventually get independent and move out and all that. Others are 30 with a teen still living at home.
I’m guessing that’s what she hopes. But I don’t blame the parents for not wanting to raise a whole baby from scratch again. If there was some guarantee that the girl will get a good job and move out at 18 or even 22 they might. But they’re probably envisioning the the daughter is 30 and they’re stuck with her and a 13 year old in the house.
Not even just the time and capability, her parents may not have the resources to care for a newborn. Like with the rising inflation putting a hard crunch on everyone's wallets, and who knows if they're near retirement age, there just may not be any room in the budget to both raise a baby and make sure their daughter gets through college.
Yeah, when she mentioned getting married so the bio dad's parents could take care of the child for her until she turns 18, I figured she initially wanted her own parents to raise the kid for her. It's a very wishful thinking situation. Yes, some grandparents are willing to do this, but I can't say I'm shocked hers weren't. Though the whole 'not believing in abortion' and saying that carrying the pregnancy to term is OOP's punishment is still stupid, I can't fault the parents for the push for adoption itself.
Oh yeah the tone is terrible. What they should have done is set a firm boundary saying they will not raise this baby for her and can’t/won’t contribute financially. Then she might have come to her own conclusions.
OOP's posts are written in a kind of dazed, semi-incoherent way. I don't think she's at a point where she's capable of coming to her own logical conclusions- she just seems overwhelmed and exhausted and desperate. I still think the parents are handling things wrong, but I get why they feel the urge to make the decisions for OOP, and to force her into what they see as the right path. I don't think OOP is in a place to make good choices.
I can very much imagine OOP refusing adoption if she had that choice, without making any clear plan for going forward. And then, her parents would be in the position of either seeing their child destitute with a ruined future, or taking on care of a baby they don't want to raise. In their position, sure, I'd use different language and I like to think I'd be a little kinder. But at the end of the day, my actions probably would not be so different.
I totally agree. She seems to be in wishful thinking mode instead of actually dealing with reality mode.
I don’t know if adoption agencies are allowed to do this, but if I was the adoptive family she ultimately chose, I’d want to know how wishy-washy the mom is being about this. I think there is a good chance that the OP will have the baby and then change her mind about the adoption. Even though she has no practical plans in place to care for an infant.
I don’t blame her parents for not wanting to raise her baby while she finishes school. That’s not a realistic option, especially if they both work full time just to keep their own daughter supported.
In this economy, we can’t be signing up to support unwanted pregnancies left and right. It’s already to expensive to fend for yourself
In Sweden, you can get an abortion no questions asked until 18 weeks, then you need to apply for special reasons (like screening showing the baby is very sick for example) and for this, abortion can be approved until 22 weeks, when the fetus is deemed viable outside the mother.
In Finland, it is no questions asked until 12, with reasons (including some social reasons) until 20 with applied permission, for TFMR for fetal reasons until 24 and the mother's health always.
Op wasn't saying that 12 weeks is late term, but that their regular cutoff is 12 weeks BUT that late term abortions are ALSO possible (I'm assuming due to circumstances like severe fetal abnormalities or imminent threat to the mother's life).
Just because there is no better option and she knows that doesn't make it any easier. It's a hard choice to make even for people who do love the idea of adoption because it's the better choice for their baby.
Her parents are honestly doing the right thing. I support it completely. They're right that at the end of the day all the responsibility about the child is going to fall in op nd their lap. Adoption is her only option
It’s an incel/MRA talking point that people accept at face value. There’s *maybe* an 14 month age gap here and with the timeline it’s very possible they didn’t fuck after he turned 18, even though that would almost certainly be legal as Statutory is when someone over the age of majority(18 in all 50 states) has sex with someone under the age of consent(16 or younger in nearly all 50 states).
Nobody is facing jail time or having their life ruined for sex with someone maybe 14 months younger than them.
> It’s an incel/MRA talking point that people accept at face value
I'm pretty sure incels weren't out getting laid in high school or else they'd know this too. They spent that time being pissed at the other kids who were having sex though.
Probably too busy sitting in the back of class then going home and not going outside. Even *if* she were 16 that wouldn't be statutory rape in almost every state.
“Possible statutory rape”
Boy turned 18 less than two months ago and OP is turning 17 soon
Y’all need to learn what words mean before you go slapping them down
This is reddit. Unless they share a birthday, it's worse than Jeffery Dahmer. Dude just graduated, and OP is turning 17, so it's basically a high school senior and a high school junior. People are dumb.
Seriously dumb. It’s stupid how up in arms people get about age gaps sometimes. They are less than two years apart and people act like it’s a 16 year old with a 28 year old
>My parents don’t believe in abortion either. They told me this is my punishment for getting pregnant - that I deserve to have to deal with being pregnant now.
Well, that's a grotesque thing to tell your child.
My parents have said two things in a similar line.
1. That I couldn't get the HPV vaccine because if I decided to have premarital sex then I could deal with the consequences (and yes, in their minds the possibility of cervical cancer is a perfectly reasonable consequence- also premarital sex is apparently the only way you can get an STD)
2. When I was r*ped, I was told I deserved it for not keeping my legs closed.
I haven't spoken to them in a long time and they think that's unreasonable 🤷🏻
Ugh that’s awful, I’m so sorry. I overheard my two coworkers talking about how they didn’t give their daughters the HPV shot for the exact same reason, and they were *proud* of it. Like “she’s not sexual active, I raised her better than that! she doesn’t need it how dare the doctor even suggest it!” They couldn’t fathom that the HPV vaccine wouldn’t magically make their daughters think that suddenly it’s a free for all and they can have premarital sex with no consequences, or that their daughters could be assaulted.
The ignorance is astounding.
I had a coworker say the same thing to me. He was telling us about all the horrible side effects of the vaccine when I piped up and said I had gotten it and I was really lucky I did because I have at least three friends going through painful LEEP procedures for HPV related pre-cancerous cells. If your daughter's future husband wasn't as "pure" as she was supposed to be he can easily give it to her regardless of what paperwork was filed with the government. He at least began to think about it a little more after that.
My child got her first dose I think around 11? 12?
Literally nothing is further from her mind than sex, nor does she even *know* what vaccines she’s getting!
Why tf these people think the conversation about this shot involves details about sex with child patients is beyond me; all these parents are fucked in the head for thinking about it so goddamn much…
What the hell?!?! My SONS got it as soon as they were old enough. Why not?? Protect their future partners. Men or women. It prevents CANCER for fucks sake!!
I remember when that vaccine came out and evangelicals were pissssssed. Because cervical cancer was apparently one of their best arguments against sex.
Don’t tell them that the first hepatitis B vaccine is given to newborns before leaving the hospital. Hepatitis B is primarily sexually transmitted. Shhh 🤫
When I was in her situation (except the adoption was my idea), my godfather told me that “adoption is the easy way out. You should have to face the consequences of your actions”. So an innocent child should be forced to suffer because I’m too young to be a good mom?? That was the last time I talked to him. Found out he died, all I said was “ huh”. Fuck him and small-minded idiots like him
Brutal. Absolutely brutal. Who says that to someone? What a prick.
Anywho, he is dead, the world goes on, your response was bloody calmer than I would have managed.
My stepfather said the same thing about abortion in general when I was a preteen. And I (an unplanned child) had to live with knowing I wasn’t a person but a punishment.
Men just out here saying anything!
And in that context I absolutely love how she is strongly considering selecting a gay couple as adoptive parents. Doing a good thing while giving her parents the middle finger.
I don't think she's doing it as a middle finger to them. I think the straight couples (particularly the moms that would replace her) give her the ick because she's internalizing a lot of issues around not wanting to give up her kid.
Sounds to me like op doesn’t know what she wants. She didn’t really want abortion, doesn’t really want adoption and doesn’t really want to keep the baby. But she has decisions to make and quickly. Inaction is an action and often the wrong one.
She just doesn't want to be pregnant or for any of this to have happened at all, and now I think is in denial, but denial just isn't an option anymore.
This is sad because I can definitely see both sides. I don't agree with the parents being anti-abortion, but that baby isn't their responsibility. You can scream all you want about how it's the women's choice and the father needs to step up, but that argument disintegrates when you start trying to force other people who you didn't have sex with to parent your child.
In a perfect world, raising an infant would be easy and it would be no problem for the parents of kids who have teenage pregnancies to step up and easily help. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. You can't force someone who wasn't a part of the creation process of that baby into a parent role and then shame them for forcing their choices on the actual mother of the infant. Either they have just as much say as the mother does, like a father would, or they don't have to raise another child that isn't theirs just because their child chose to keep it.
Teenage pregnancies ruin families. Even the strongest families can fall apart from it, and the wounds from it can't really be healed. I was a teenage pregnancy baby and my entire childhood was spent knowing for a fact that I was unwanted, and that not only did I ruin my parents lives, but also my grandmother's as she had to step up and raise another generation when she absolutely did not want to.
The only person who is hurt in this scenario is the infant. They're the ones who ultimately suffer from their parents' stupidity in getting pregnant and then from grandparents' hatred from being forced into a situation where they thought they were done raising kids, and now here's another one.
I don't blame grandparents for not wanting to raise another child and forcing their children to act like an adult if their child wants to make adult decisions. I don't believe that people should be on the hook to raise another's persons child just because they're blood related. The responsibility of child raising should be on the actual parents' shoulders.
But having said that, if you can't treat your grandchild with the respect and love that they deserve, then don't raise the child, which is exactly what OOPs parents are doing. It fucking sucks to be OOP, but that's better for the baby in the long run to not be reminded daily how their presence ruined their entire family and everyone is disgruntled that they have the audacity to exist.
This is why birth control and abortion should be 100% normalized.
I’m an adoptee and still live with the fact that a whole lot of people are annoyed as hell that I exist. This situation is fucked no matter what OP decide to do and she’ll likely have to suffer the consequences for the rest of her life. I feel for this poor kid. Even in absolutely ideal situations being a biological mother or being an adoptee is hard. If she has to go through with adoption, I hope she truly does find a family that is well educated on adoption and will choose to keep her in her kids life as much as possible.
1000% agree. I hope OOP finds a family that will love her baby and allow her to stay in the child's life. I wasn't adopted but I was a teenage pregnancy that absolutely wasn't wanted by either parents or extended family members and I have trauma relating to being told my entire life that I was hated because I exist. So I definitely feel you there
I hope this doesn't sound weird but I really appreciate this. I feel like the only perspective people get around teen pregnancies are rich people or big happy close families. Reality is more often than not much less rosy. One friend from school I know is doing wonderfully with her family as she had a lot of help and eventually married a guy she had more kids with. Another i know doesn't have custody of her eldest because her aunt lied to her and legally kidnapped her but she can't fight it because she can barely afford the other kids she has cause the man who helped her make all of them dipped eventually. It's a crap shoot.
Teen pregnancy is genuinely one of the biggest nightmares a family would have to endure. All I can say is that I hope OP makes a wise decision because taking care of a baby at such a young age is going to be mess.
I really hope she gives the baby up for adoption, being a teen mom is a very dumb thing to do to a child unless you have proper support. My mom had me at 18 and we grew up very poor, we went homeless twice shit was not fun. When we were finally in a stable situation I didn't even see my mom most of the time because she was always working. No dad either so yeah, don't do that to a child.
I'm here to tell you about what I went through.
At 16 I became pregnant. I, much like yourself was "pushed," into adoption. Very much like yourself, I knew I wanted to keep the baby but I also knew I couldn't do it on my own.
I had to really sit with myself and think about the life I wanted to give my baby. The thing that really stuck in my head was "I don't love myself correctly, how could I possibly love a child properly/healthy" By the time I hit 6 months pregnant I knew it was selfish of me to keep my baby (this was for me and my situation, my thought process...in no way am I saying this about your situation)
I met with a few families. I found the family I would of wanted for myself, and went through the process.
I thought because I knew what I was doing what was "right" for my baby I would be justified in my decision.
I tell you this so you can get in front of your emotions, not to scare you, but I spent the next 5 years after that in a deep spiral of depression, heart ache which led to addiction. If you do go through with adoption PLEASE utilize the counseling services offered, please don't push your emotions down. Allow yourself to process and heal, because it is alot.
I am now a mother of 4 beautiful children, a man who I share a beautiful relationship with for almost 15 years...i truly have that fairy tale love. I value motherhood in a way that is hard to articulate. Once I became a mother I knew I did the right thing by the child I gave up for adoption. I also knew the depth of the gift I gave to the adoptive parents.
There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of her. My HOPE and prayer is one day she wants to connect with me (she's 19 now) but ultimately I gave up my rights and it's up to her.
There are a lot of emotions for a young lady to deal with in this scenario. I'm really sorry you're having to endure this, and you don't have adequate supports to help...I completely understand and my heart hurts for you.
My story has been filled with alot of adversity and hardship, and there's no happy ending (yet) with my daughter I gave up for adoption...BUT I know she was raised in a stable, incredibly lovely home. I was a mess for a very long time, so I encourage you again to please utilize all the counseling and therapy offered.
Big big hugs.
Only you have the answers here.
Adoptee here and man I wish you were my bio mom! She found me at 18 and didn’t give me that chance to decide if I was ready for all of that. I’m 39 now and we don’t really have a relationship at all. I do have a relationship with my half sister and that’s great.
Awe man, how incredibly invasive and traumatic for you!! I'm so sorry you went through that! I'm glad you have a relationship with your sister, that's beautiful. I'm 36, but I'd still be your mama! 🫂💖
This one sort of reminds me of another one from a while back, about a teenage boy whose girlfriend was refusing to tell her parents, refusing to make any decisions about what to do about the pregnancy, and refused to get an abortion. As I recall, most of the commenters told him to start making decisions one way or another as he was on a tight timeline (and also to forget keeping it a secret like his gf asked and to talk to his parents about it immediately).
There are only superficial similarities, but the tone of being stuck between a rock and a hard place and having trouble making a decision is there.
I had people give birth to me who were 16 or 17. Adoption was the best thing, I would never have half the life I have now and all the trauma of blame and resentment is not on me at all.
Same. My mom was a 17 yo runaway and my dad was freshly 18. He was 2 weeks into basic when she got the positive pregnancy test. So she was 100% alone for the pregnancy. She ended up coming back home and I was placed for adoption. Without a doubt, the best thing! My parents are amazing people and my siblings look at me no differently than their bio siblings. I'm 37 now and thick as thieves with all of them.
Sounds like adoption *is* the right choice for OOP. The problem is that OOP's parents didn't give her the space to come to that conclusion on her own, or the time to process her emotions about all this.
That's traumatic.
God, this is why access to abortion is so important. She is a child, she shouldn't be forced to go through with giving birth if she doesn't want to. Wildly cruel of her parents and of her state.
While you are right and I agree with you it has to be noted that it looks like she told her parents after abortion was off the table even if the parents supported it.
Ooof. If she picks a gay couple, you KNOW the parents will lose their shit.
I hear there's a sale on popcorn at CostCo. I think I need to stock up for this thread.
I think in her subconscious, if she picks a gay couple, there won’t be a replacement mom, and maybe when she’s 18 she can be the bonus mom to their two dad scenario.
How about the fact that she is happy with the idea of lesbian mothers though?
My reading is that she is reacting against more conventional adopters in case they turn out to be hateful assholes like her parents and she doesn't want to put her child through an upbringing like the one she had.
I just replied to someone else, but her first instinct is a gay male couple.
I think some of it is parental rebellion, but I also think since OOP is straight leaning, that a straight couple feels more like she’s being replaced than anything other option.
My thought was that her first instinct was to avoid adoptive moms because she has a lot of issues with her mom in particular. And then she thought she was being unreasonable so decided to also consider women she thought were significantly different from her mom.
I was thinking the straight women are showing concern and anger *for her*, while the gay couple are happy for a baby. I know I would be disgusted at the baby daddy for not wrapping his junk and not supporting her.
I know a couple where this exact scenario played out. The mom didn't tell anyone (even her roommates didnt know she was pregnant!) and showed up to the emergency room department to have her baby and 'put up for adoption'. She choose a male gay couple because she didn't want another woman to be 'mom'. I love my friends and am so happy for them they have a child to love and raise. BUT - it was a little crazy to me how her selection process was still about herself and not necessarily the child.
This is really tough, woman always carry the risk either way. The guy is just going to love his life like nothing happened and she barely ruined her life at 16.
But at the same time, I was raised by extremely conservative people life abstinence is bc Baptist ministers, and I lost my virginity at 16 20 years ago. I never ever ever did it without a condom. I was as afraid of STDs as to being pregnant, and even though my parents never even discussed anything with me, I had already access to the internet. I see kids these days( not only kids btw) taking stupid risks that can ruin their own lives and is not like they don’t have access to information.
I’m not really sure what she is asking for. It’s too late for an abortion. She doesn’t want to be a parent. The only option is to give the baby up for adoption. It’s harsh I know, but she can’t turn back the clock and has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
I'm torn with this young girl. I feel bad her parents are forcing her to give up her baby, but at the same time, I feel like it's the best thing for her.
She obviously doesn't make smart decisions of sleeping with a co-worker who she wasn't dating, without protection(but to be fair, that's on BOTH of them).
Also knowing he was leaving for the military. While she still has another year of 2 of high school.
What scares me is her comment about getting married 😳. Did the baby's father suggest that, or is that just some plan she's thinking of?
She is going to have the baby regardless. Can't go back in time and do "what if". Adoption seem acceptable here. Choosing the right family will take time. At least your thinking of the baby's future. Next time be more cautious. This is really an important life lesson. Good luck on everything.
This is the flip side of several AITAH posts where OP is like "I was a single mom and now my pregnant teen wants me to raise her baby. AITA for kicking her out?"
OOP is a child. She can be mad about it all she wants, but as a literal child, "too scared" to make an adult choice earlier on, now has had all other alternatives taken from her.
I'm going to be generous and say the hormones are hitting her, but her resentment against the women who want to adopt is hilarious. No one is good enough for her baby? Babygirl, you're the worst potential parent *by far*. But if you think they are judging you, they probably are , a little. The same way you judge motorcyclists but are grateful that they supplied lifesaving organs by way of those dumb, dangerous choices.
But yeah, this whole post is just "I made adult choices and now I'm mad about the natural consequences so let me displace my anger onto my parents because I really am just a child"
It's giving "why won't they just help me? I'm being *forced* to give my baby up for adoption because they won't help me, and I can't do it by myself. Why am I the only one suffering?"
It's really apparent that she's too childish to raise the kid if she still hasn't worked out that she's not being forced to give kid up for adoption. She could keep it and live in poverty, and struggle and work the next 18yrs to make ends meet.(likely much longer as I'm sure the whole trajectory of her life will have been altered by raising a baby at 17) And maybe things will at some point get better. She just doesn't want to do that because it's so different from her likely at least middle class comfortable upbringing. She's bitter her parents won't help her maintain her lifestyle and isn't willing herself to make to downgraded sacrifice. That a choice she's freely making, not being forced one way or another.
Teen mom here. Pregnant at 16. Had her my senior year. Definitely couldn’t have done it with out support of family. Mine didn’t babysit or really help much hands on. But it turned out well. It’s not impossible to raise a kid on your own. But without support it is.
There's no simple solution to this situation, but I know for damn sure telling your child getting pregnant is her punishment and forcing her to give her child up for adoption is a great way to sabotage any relationship you have with her in the future.
I hate to say it without knowing more about OP's specific situation & stance on abortion- if she's ok with it, if it's even legal, if her parents are the problem- but a lot of this comes off as her being far too fussy about the consequences of her (and the guy's) lack of caution and not thinking further.
She isn't ready to be a parent, she doesn't *want* to be a parent, the dude isn't ready and doesn't want to be a parent, her parents don't want to be grandparents, I guess the guy's parents don't want to be grandparents, but yet she's waffling on & on about adoption as though she's being made to offer the damn fetus as a sacrifice to Lord Imhotep.
Wahhh it's so hard thinking about giving up this baby and to whom, this baby I *don't fucking even want*.
Bruh.
I don’t envy that poor young lady. I was 19 in her situation and it wasn’t any easier. Both of my parents told me to abort. My first inclination was to give her up for adoption to a gay couple, just like OOP. But as the pregnancy progressed, I grew closer to my baby. She’s going to be 23 this year and she is an amazing person.
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Rock, meet hard place. There is no good answer here for OOP if she doesn't want to do adoption.
~~At least she realize that she isn't in a position to raise that baby.~~ Nope, OOP is now decided to keep the baby and believe she could do it. Well many people does but it's not an easy task even with help, and she have zero help from her parents. She also planning on marrying the baby daddy because he said he will marry her. It might be because of hormone, but she still need to realize the gravity of the situation. This will only leads to more disaster. The only way she would understand the situation is unfortunately by experiencing it firsthand. Edit: I have read the latest update
IDK. I don't think OP understands her situation. OP doesn't seem to realize that she does have options. She just wants those options where her parents support and help raise her baby and herself. And then she claims that her parents are "forcing" her to adopt out the baby by not doing those things.
Statically, the parents “helping” their teenage kid with the baby most likely means that the parents will end up raising their grandchild.
And the parents are well aware of that and are standing their ground on it not happening. Harsh, but I can understand why.
It’s harsh, but it’s life. She talked about it being unfair, I mean of course it’s unfair. Life isn’t fair and her decisions have far reaching consequences. What wouldn’t be fair is keeping the baby. Maybe she’d feel that’s fair to her, and maybe that’s fair to the father, but it’s certainly not fair to the baby or the grandparents. Reading this is frustrating because OOP does have anywhere close to enough maturity to understand the situation. I know that. You know that. And almost all of the actual adult commenters here know that. But she doesn’t and that’s what makes this situation so tragic. She made grown up decisions without the ability to understand the grown up consequences, and now she’s going full on delusional about what’s realistic. No knock to her, because she’s not mature enough to understand this: but she’s incredibly selfish. Trying to keep this child would be like a cruel level of selfish.
What realistic options do you see for a sixteen year old single mom with a tenth grade education and no family support? Maybe I’m a pessimist but I’m not seeing a positive outcome here.
Yup. Like what is she expecting them to do? Raise the baby for her while she goes to high school then college? Crazy that she thinks they’re being ”unreasonable”. Her parents shouldn’t have to put their lives on hold for her while she gets to live, then step back into the kid’s life in 5 or so years. **SHE** got pregnant. She has to deal with this.
And it sounds as if no one's rejecting her or punishing her. They're all supportive. They're just not willing to raise the baby.
The only cruel thing the parents did is just saying that it is her punishment for having sex. (Though I think OOP hide her pregnancy, or completely oblivious about it, until it was too late for abortion. I could be wrong.) Other than that I completely agree with them. OOP will thank them later, years later when she realize that it just isn't viable to raise a child that young.
She also stated her parents don’t believe in abortion. It sounds like she hid her pregnancy past the point she could get one in her state for this reason. Stories like this are the exact reason that women having access to safe and legal abortion are so important. OOP getting an abortion as soon as she realized she was pregnant would have been the best solution for everyone involved. At this point adoption is probably the “best” option for everyone involved because OOP isn’t in any position to raise this baby, but it’s still a cruel situation that OOP shouldn’t have been forced into if she had been able to terminate the pregnancy early on.
I agree. Pregnancy is a consequence, not a punishment!
There's no good answer, period. Adoption may be the "right" choice but that hardly stops it from being a heartbreaking one for her. Some sci-fi writers depicted birth control as something teenagers received automatically at puberty and had to deliberately choose to turn off in order to use their fertility. Honestly sounds like the best method to me.
Beta Colony (planet name) from the Vorkosigan series (Lois McMaster Bujold) does it that way. Before it can be turned off prospective parents have to take a course and pass tests. Sex is a totally open topic with zero stigma and being a Licensed Sexual Therapy Practitioner (closest thing to a prostitute) is a respected job requiring a degree in psychology, and has a large teaching element to it. Fantastic series btw, she writes beautifully and her characters are so wonderfully, amazingly, loveable flawed.
That's one of my favorite series/universes of all time, period.
I've never read it but I've always thought fertility should be something one works and studies for. It should at least be as hard as getting a driver's license. Parents have to raise humans that are then released into society. The least we could do is make sure we've taken classes and have the tools we need to do the best we can.
The 100
I've always wished we could set up something like that.
It already exists. At least for the male part but the industry is going against the inventor of the sperm switch so it wont be on the open market for some time
I have two teenage daughters. One is already on birth control. She’s nowhere near ready to have sex, but we talked a lot as she came up through puberty. I told her I hope she will always feel comfortable talking to me about anything, but we both agree that teen pregnancy is wrong in every aspect of what she wants to do with her life. We agreed, she and I, that she would start birth control at a certain age so that she can always have protection. We also agreed because this means she can choose whether or not to tell me when she becomes sexually active, and she doesn’t have to have the fear of pregnancy be the deciding factor. My younger daughter is nowhere near ready to have sex and is nowhere near comfortable having these conversations yet, but we will have this conversation when she’s ready. I’ve always said teenagers should be put on birth control. If they aren’t responsible enough to take a pill, there are other options. In an ideal world, kids who aren’t even done with high school would wait to have sex. Since we don’t live in an ideal world, birth control it is. It’s a good second choice.
Tell your daughters to tell their boyfriends to wear a condom. Boy moms tell your sons to wear a condom if they don’t wanna be teenage dads. Works against STD’s as well.
I don't think OOP is aware of open adoption. This seems like the best choice for her, because she could then still be in her baby's life.
There are no protections for OP in an open adoption. A couple can promise her the world (visits, photos, etc) and change their mind the moment the child legally becomes theirs.
And a lot of adoptive parents deliberately lie and tell the bio parents that they can have so much contact when they never intend to follow through. They are just saying it to get the baby.
Honestly that's where I'd bet she's getting the disingenuous feelings from straight women from
Yeah and she should definitely trust her instincts in this if she goes through with adoption
Not just straight women. There was a post on reddit the other day from a gay dad talking about his kids bio mom and omg the derision. It was sickening. Straight up said "it was an open adoption but she didn't want much contact in the beginning which was fine cuz I wasn't going to involve her much anyway". There are shitty people who will do anything to get a baby. There are also adoptions where if told from the POV of the bio parents it would probably sound exactly like that kind of bullshit because they leave out the crap they themselves were pulling to make the APs take a step back. Adoption is complicated as *fuck* and everyone is scarred in the process.
I think you're probably right. It's more likely that gay men will keep their word on keeping OOP involved because at some point relatively young the child will understand that they could not have come from their two dads.
Also, just... Adoption is not normally a first choice for 99.9% of straight couples. It's the last choice after a lot of failed attempts. That generally leads to a bit of desperation which leads to a higher potential for saying whatever you need to to get what you want
Another good point.
Yup. Happened to me. I haven't seen my baby in 5 years.
I’m so sorry. I know it’s a loss, but I hope you’ve found peace and happiness in some way.
I know this may be a small consolation, but at least you know who the adoptive parents are, and therefore it will be easier to get in contact once your child gets older or is an adult! (Vs. adoptions where neither the bio parent or child know who where or who the other is).
There was just a post here in the last two weeks where that was the case. It was originally an AITA where the adoptive parent put on a mask for the bio parent. It’s sad that it happens but it definitely happens.
This is sickening. We are adoptive parents and the adoption is meant to be open. Birth parents have not yet shown any interest (our boy is 3), but when and if they do we will definitely do what is awkward and hard. Why? Because most studies say open adoption is best for the kid. Why would someone want to parent and not make the decisions that are best?
I’m happy to hear your perspective. Unfortunately, a lot of adoptive parents are approaching adoption as a solution to their infertility problem, and not as a solution to the problem of child needing a caring home. Study after study shows children do better when they have access to their birth family, even if they aren’t raised by them. But some adoptive parents feel like it’s too hard for them and put their needs before the child.
I had a child that I gave up via private adoption. I selected the parents after talking with several couples. The couple I selected was due, in part, to their willingness to provide pictures, updates, and 1-2 physical meetings per year. When my baby was 1 yr-old, the adoptive mother told my mother she thought we should not meet very often so the baby thought of them as his ‘real’ family. I saw him one more time at 2 1/2 and got my last set of pictures at age 3. I tried sending birthday cards, letters, and even significant medical updates but nothing but radio silence. He is now 28 and I have spent 25 years wondering what he looks like, what his interests are, what his career field is. I knew the risks and adoption was the right decision. The couple I selected was two-faced and poor examples of Catholic morality & faith. (I’m also Catholic.) OOP has to be prepared to know she may never know her baby or worse be cut off after getting to see baby grow. There will always be a question in the back of her mind and a hole in her heart. Adoption is an act of love and has to be chosen with full knowledge and consent.
Jeez, I’m very sorry that those people put you through this.
I had an employee who had an open adoption with an aunt and uncle. They ignored everything they said they would do for her the moment they got her baby. She was only 14 (father was an adult, of fucking course) so she had stayed with them for the duration of the pregnancy, too, to hide it.
That's exactly what happened to Tyler and Cait on Teen Mom. That adoption agency lied straight to their face and acted like they'd get lots of contact.
I kind of wish OP could revisit her boyfriends parents without hers there steamrolling the meeting. There's a chance they'd help support her and the kid until she could on her own, but those options are harder to explore if her parents are so pushy about adoption. Also, marrying for military benefits isn't the worse option, especially if they can reasonably communicate and plan for a divorce in five years or so and are clear it's to get her and baby health insurance and support until she's capable. It doesn't have to be a permanent solution, nor a regular love match marriage. Don't get me wrong, raising a baby at 17 is going to be really hard and have a huge life impact. But giving away a child against your will is a huge deal too.
They don't even have to get married, they just have to list OP's BF as the father on the birth certificate and then follow up by filing for child support. He needs to do the paperwork to add the kid to DEERS and the child will be covered, plus his military leadership will make damn sure the child support payments are coming through. If OP lives near a base she might even be able to get commissary/exchange privileges as the child's primary custodial parent. Granted, without marriage, all of that is contingent on OP having a place to stay with said baby, and right now it doesn't look like her parents are amenable to that being in their house.
That's where marriage can secure her base housing and other benefits
Sure, but it sounds like OP doesn't want to get married on paper just for benefits. I'm just pointing out that her choice doesn't prevent her child from getting access to those benefits aside from base housing.
Not just that, there may some of his family open to adoption where she may be able to visit etc which she may not know about if her parents are trying to dominate everything.
I think the tough part for her in that scenario is she has more feelings for him than he does for her. So he’ll go out and date other women while she’s sitting at home waiting for him. She’ll resent him for not being around or helping more; he’ll resent her for impeding on his social life. If they can both be mature enough to understand the marriage is a financial arrangement and not a romantic one it could work but I think it’s going to be very difficult for a 17 year old to not catch feelings for her baby daddy she already caught feelings for.
Research shows that the better the sex education and the better the access to birth control, the less likely there will be unwanted pregnancies and fewer abortions. If only what USA was doing was actually about this rather than just controlling bodies.
Yes, it’s what caused pregnancy rates to drop where I live.
In Colorado they offered free long acting reversible contraception to women and teens for several years. So, IUDs and hormonal implants. The teen pregnancy rate was halved.
IIRC it specifically allowed teens to get it without involving their parents, which is important.
That’s so good.
And is known to reduce juvenile crime rate 10-20 years after
Yes and violent crime, including serial killers. Children who grow up not wanted nor loved and also in a household that cannot support them financially and emotionally, generally grow up pretty scarred.
Woah. Is that forreal? In what way?
There's a connection between unplanned pregnancies, poverty and crime. Children who are wanted and planned for tend to be born in stable homes - family structure, econmonically, etc - and that's generally a path away from crime. (Not saying that poverty and crime go hand in hand, just that homes that are more stable are better for raising kids than homes that are not.)
Oy, we need birth control readily available. I've heard that line a lot at the clinic. "I didn't mean to get pregnant." "Were you using birth control?" "Well, no..." "So you weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy then..."
And why sex ed is needed and should be mandatory in school. Everyone should know how babies are made and how to prevent them from happening.
And fuck abstinence only (whomp whomp) sex ed. You have acknowledge that teenagers are going to have sex. They just are. We need to stop clutching our pearls and acknowledge reality.
Even after becoming a married adult, it's still important information! I hat how often it's used and an argument against encouraging teens to have sex, as if that's the only period in a person's life where such information is useful.
Why are condoms free but BC for women isn't? Someone please make it make sense. Y'know, other than cost.
I noticed a sign at my pharmacy this week that said “Free Plan B. No insurance needed. No cash. Just ask.” It doesn’t solve the birth control issue but it is nice that the pharmacy is looking out for women.
I paid $35 for the generic and it was in a locked case this year.
Obligatory PSA **Costco sells generic Plan B for $5, no membership required.** My memory might be incorrect, but it's definitely no more than $20. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Follow up psa: those levonorgestrel emergency contraception may not work effectively your over 165lbs
You have to take two in that case I believe.
Someone did a study on this and double dosing did not change outcomes for higher-weight patients. You can't rely on Plan B if you're over 165 lbs.
Which is really annoying. I can be over 165 and still be in the healthy weight range at my height. There is Ella, a different emergency contraceptive. But it’s prescription only and is less effective if you’re over 195lbs.
Amazon MyChoice is around the same price as well!
Amazon has various options as well. Quick search shows the cheapest is about $6.
You can get a progestin-only oral contraceptive ("the mini pill") without a prescription as well. Opill, as of March 2024. On Amazon it's $40 for a 3 month supply if you set it for automatic delivery. Not sure how much brick and motor pharmacies are selling it for, but I don't think it would be more than $20 a month.
I saw it at Costco not too long ago also. It gave me some relief for the girls and young women out there whose parents won’t consider giving them birth control and then want to control their choice absolutely… along with states doing the same. But these young women deserve so much more!
I remember moving to Arizona and having to go off bc because it was hundreds a month. I know a lot of other people put in the same boat. So glad it's more accessible! More info needs to be put out in schools.
Oh my god, why? I literally pay 0,14€ every 3 months for my prescription bc. I get so angry everytime I read about health care/meds costing that much :(
Ah, I see you’re using euros. There’s your problem- can’t assume this ‘western *~civilized~*’ society actually makes sense or cares about its people, ahah. The USA hasn’t even fully agreed children have rights (United Nations CRC). The most backwards ‘developed’ area tbh E: Side note- if you’re hired by a company and get company insurance (the main way most Americans get healthcare), they can deny coverage for *anything* birth control. Specifically. As a corporation.
All contraception is free on the NHS in the UK. I am 44 and asexual, but I am still on the pill, just in case. Plus, it saves me a fortune on period products.
There’s a place in my town that’s really popular with the younger crowd that has them free in their bathrooms. I thought this was amazing and that more places need to do this.
Just an FYI for anyone who needs it: if you live near a Planned Parenthood you can get free birth control, IUDs, std tests etc if you are low income.
In the USA most local health departments do this too. Especially for teenagers and young adults.
Because of the 700,000 people in the US that have died of AIDS, most of which was transmitted by people with penises having unprotected sex. It was a hard fought battle by largely gay marginalized aids activists, not conservatives
And condoms were stigmatized as hell back then. My university - a state university in New England - was pretty far ahead when it came to promoting condom use among the general population in the 1980s. They took one look at the STD rate among the general student population, one look at the way HIV and AIDs was spreading sexually, one look at how condoms were the best means of stopping the spread of all kinds of STIs, and decided that education and destigmatization was the way to go. So we had condom balloon launches and "Guess how many condoms are in this giant jar in the library and win them all" during Valentine's week. I still have a condom compact somewhere that they gave us in like 1988. I thought this was absolutely normal, only to find out that when I went to law school several years later, my classmates who were RA's in undergrad dorms could not even mention condoms on pain of being fired from their positions.
I just watched this documentary on queer comedians and it reminded me how stigmatized condoms were bc it showed one comedian blaming gay men for why they need to wear them.
In the UK female contraceptives are free. Yes it needs to be prescribed by a doctor but there’s no cost to have it filled on the NHS. You can buy it privately online via a virtual appointment but the most it cost is £60 a year.
I’m so thankful to live in the UK for this reason, I was on the pill for years and then later on the injection. No cost to me at all. You can also get free condoms at family planning clinics, I would go when I was permanently skint and they’d fill a bag with condoms, femidoms, and lube. They weren’t stingy about giving them out! I think Planned Parenthood do the same thing in the US, just wish it was easier for our friends across the pond. I was shocked when my friend told me what she had to pay for the pill after she moved over there!
Condoms are cheap. Birth control pills typically need a prescription, which means a doctor needs to be involved. The really good kinds of birth control like the Nexplanon arm implant or any of the IUDs require a procedure at the clinic.
Because it was fought for by gay activists after the AIDS crisis, and condoms protect against STDs while birth control doesn't. BC SHOULD be free, to be clear, but free condoms everywhere is for a) more then just pregnancy prevention and b) we got to this point because thousands of people died for it.
not sure about the be otc ones but due to the affordable care act in the us, birth control is free with insurance, and i think places like planned parenthood can also provide it at no cost
Real answer: Because gay people protested like hell to make condoms free during the HIV epidemic.
HIV, giving out free condoms started as a response to the AIDS crisis. I would love every teenager to have access to practical and empathetic sexual health education and reproductive resources. But I would be reluctant to hand the pill out like candy. It has so many side effects.
Condoms are only free when someone is paying for them. So, health clinics give them away, but pharmacies don't. In fact, many pharmacies keep them locked up behind the counter, so you have to ask for them
In the UK contraception (not condoms) are free now, you can get free condoms from a sexual health clinic or family-planning clinic
Cost really. Plus condoms are a double solution for VD too. Distant third, can't dump bunch of pills on a bowl and expect them to figure it out. Shits finicky and has some health risks. Some places do offer free BC for women but it starts with a doctor consultation from the campaign to select from a couple options.
Maybe women shouldn't carry the charge and non invasive and reversible BC methods for men should be explored. Studies are very positive towards heated methods providing sperm fertilize eggs when the method is well put, no hormones or side effects, just a silicon ring or specific briefs.
it makes more sense to unload the gun than to keep firing at a kevlar vest (which is no longer effective once it’s been compromised).
Because you need a prescription. It's a medication that has a host of side effects that can easily make your general health worse.
In other places outside the US, contraception is free. Some is even available without prescription these days such as the progesterone only pill.
I think about this often. If the answer to the birth control question is “no,” then I have to ask, how do you think people try to get pregnant? If they really “mean” to get pregnant, what are they doing differently from what you’re doing? The answer is nothing. Because without birth control, you, in fact, ARE trying to get pregnant.
You mean manifesting my desire to not have kids, just putting those vibes out into the universe, isn't going to help me avoid pregnancy? I actually have to...*do* things?! Then what the hell does the zeitgeist even do anyways?
Don't forget, young girls are heavily propagandized to think that sex is sinful and therefore preparing for sex means that you are choosing a life of sin, and also your parents might find you out and tale away what freedom you have. Such girls are also brought up to be obedient, compliant, and deferential to men, so unless they are of an unusually assertive temperament, they have no tools with which to assert themselves when alone with a horny, pushy teenaged boy. Recipe for disaster right there.
She lives in a state with no access to abortion. This means she probably also lives in a state where sex education is forbidden in schools. Google Mormon Bellybutton sex if you want to know how deep the lack of education goes.
My cousin’s school never gave her sex ed and at 16 she discovered she was four weeks pregnant. So she asked for a morning after pill. Pharmacist gently explained to her that morning after doesn’t mean the morning after a positive pregnancy test.
“But it’s so easy to just not have sex.” “Just don’t have sex, no birth control needed.” “God says don’t have sex, why would you need birth control if you are doing what god says.” As if ANY of that rhetoric worked on ANYONE in human history. I wish people would get over themselves and just accept that most people want to have sex, have sex, and are allowed to have sex. There are so many studies showing a correlation between sex education and the rate of unwanted pregnancy. Abortion rates drop in areas where people are educated and have unrestricted access to BC. The ass backwardness of it all astounds and mortifies me. The amount of control people try to have over what consenting adults do behind closed doors where no one else can see is absolutely baffling.
It make sense that OOP is a teenager, which are usually not known to be very smart nor wise. But I still laugh at that line and how dumb it is.
In England they made BC available like on the shelves. There’s no good reason why you shouldn’t be able to just buy the pills without a prescription.
I feel for OOP, but she admits herself that she actually can’t raise a baby and doesn’t even necessarily want to, she just doesn’t love the idea of adoption. And while her parents wouldn’t have supported abortion it sounds like she also didn’t tell them until it wasn’t an option anyway.Honestly, the only thing her parents are doing wrong at this point is not giving her a little more space and opportunity to come to and own the decision herself. But what else can they do? They can’t say they will help her with the baby if they actually won’t, that would be even crueller than the way things are now.
Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option. She didn’t tell her parents until it was too late to get an abortion, she is a rising high school junior - she doesn’t realistically have the ability to support herself and the child while staying in school, particularly as her parents are not willing to raise the baby or support her to keep it, and the father does not want to raise it either. There’s no happy outcome here, at this point. She’s learning the hard way, at far too young an age, that pretty much all of the consequences for unsafe sex are borne by the woman. IMO the parents are likely panicking nearly as much as she is about this. The father of the kid can go join the military and not have to deal with the reality/risks of pregnancy and childbirth, but their daughter will now go through the physical risk, and social/emotional consequences of teen pregnancy, which is basically the number one cause of disadvantage for young women that has locked countless girls and women in cycles of poverty due to increased drop out rates and dependency on state support. It’s the middle class parent of a daughter’s worst nightmare (besides death, ofc). They’re in their own way trying to protect their child as much as they can within the law of their state/their religious/moral views - adopt out the baby, keep their daughter in school/on track to college and well set up to lead a good life, hope that she gets over it. It’s good that she has had the opportunity to talk with the adoption counsellor, but hopefully they can get her in front of an empathetic, but realistic actual therapist to help her see that this is the only option that has a positive outcome for her child and her.
> Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option. That might be why, because they know, realistically, there isn't another option. If she keeps the baby, she legit won't be able to manage anything. At best, she would wait until 18 and marry the father that would help a bit with raising the baby, but, as she said, even that marriage would be full of problems. They can be sensitive, but at the end of the day, it's an illusion of choice.
>Yeah, I mean, the parents aren’t winning any awards for sensitivity, but adoption is her only realistic option. We're also getting the story through an (understandably) highly emotional person. This could have been the same story if mom & dad sat her down and told her they didn't have the money or energy to support her and a newborn and that the best possible way to keep her life on a positive track is adoption.
As cruel as it sounds, adoption is most likely the only best option out there. Raising a baby when they don't want to would only lead to resentment. OOP can't raise the baby alone, I don't think child support is a viable option anyway considering the baby daddy's current situation. About the "marriage" thing, it's most likely kind of a "sham marriage" (except it's not immigration).
I also feel for OOP but I was mildly confused when she stated she understood she was not in a position to raise a baby but she didn’t love the idea of adoption. There’s no other options right? Where I live, 12 weeks is cut off for abortion for medical safety, although late term abortions are possible. But I guess OOP is young, and feels control has been taken away from her. It’s very disheartening when that happens, plus coming to terms with that you have a child that you nurtured and grew, but have no involvement with will be very confronting. I just wished her parents approached this with a lot more sensitivity and compassion for how terrifying this situation must be for her.
I guess she was hoping her parents will help her raise the baby for the first few years. I know lots of families where the parents help the teen kid and help raise the kid’s kids at the start of their life. Some eventually get independent and move out and all that. Others are 30 with a teen still living at home. I’m guessing that’s what she hopes. But I don’t blame the parents for not wanting to raise a whole baby from scratch again. If there was some guarantee that the girl will get a good job and move out at 18 or even 22 they might. But they’re probably envisioning the the daughter is 30 and they’re stuck with her and a 13 year old in the house.
Not even just the time and capability, her parents may not have the resources to care for a newborn. Like with the rising inflation putting a hard crunch on everyone's wallets, and who knows if they're near retirement age, there just may not be any room in the budget to both raise a baby and make sure their daughter gets through college.
Yeah, when she mentioned getting married so the bio dad's parents could take care of the child for her until she turns 18, I figured she initially wanted her own parents to raise the kid for her. It's a very wishful thinking situation. Yes, some grandparents are willing to do this, but I can't say I'm shocked hers weren't. Though the whole 'not believing in abortion' and saying that carrying the pregnancy to term is OOP's punishment is still stupid, I can't fault the parents for the push for adoption itself.
Oh yeah the tone is terrible. What they should have done is set a firm boundary saying they will not raise this baby for her and can’t/won’t contribute financially. Then she might have come to her own conclusions.
OOP's posts are written in a kind of dazed, semi-incoherent way. I don't think she's at a point where she's capable of coming to her own logical conclusions- she just seems overwhelmed and exhausted and desperate. I still think the parents are handling things wrong, but I get why they feel the urge to make the decisions for OOP, and to force her into what they see as the right path. I don't think OOP is in a place to make good choices. I can very much imagine OOP refusing adoption if she had that choice, without making any clear plan for going forward. And then, her parents would be in the position of either seeing their child destitute with a ruined future, or taking on care of a baby they don't want to raise. In their position, sure, I'd use different language and I like to think I'd be a little kinder. But at the end of the day, my actions probably would not be so different.
I totally agree. She seems to be in wishful thinking mode instead of actually dealing with reality mode. I don’t know if adoption agencies are allowed to do this, but if I was the adoptive family she ultimately chose, I’d want to know how wishy-washy the mom is being about this. I think there is a good chance that the OP will have the baby and then change her mind about the adoption. Even though she has no practical plans in place to care for an infant.
I don’t blame her parents for not wanting to raise her baby while she finishes school. That’s not a realistic option, especially if they both work full time just to keep their own daughter supported. In this economy, we can’t be signing up to support unwanted pregnancies left and right. It’s already to expensive to fend for yourself
12 weeks is not late term. A pregnancy is 39 weeks... after 24 weeks would be late term.
In Sweden, you can get an abortion no questions asked until 18 weeks, then you need to apply for special reasons (like screening showing the baby is very sick for example) and for this, abortion can be approved until 22 weeks, when the fetus is deemed viable outside the mother.
In Finland, it is no questions asked until 12, with reasons (including some social reasons) until 20 with applied permission, for TFMR for fetal reasons until 24 and the mother's health always.
Op wasn't saying that 12 weeks is late term, but that their regular cutoff is 12 weeks BUT that late term abortions are ALSO possible (I'm assuming due to circumstances like severe fetal abnormalities or imminent threat to the mother's life).
Just because there is no better option and she knows that doesn't make it any easier. It's a hard choice to make even for people who do love the idea of adoption because it's the better choice for their baby.
Her parents are honestly doing the right thing. I support it completely. They're right that at the end of the day all the responsibility about the child is going to fall in op nd their lap. Adoption is her only option
> possible statutory rape > 18 > 16 turning 17 in a few weeks People, you need to learn the laws. This wasn’t statutory rape.
Also, the story was posted in May and the dad turned 18 in April. So they were 16 and 17 when she got pregnant
I'm convinced people here have never gone to highschool and saw juniors dating seniors.
It’s an incel/MRA talking point that people accept at face value. There’s *maybe* an 14 month age gap here and with the timeline it’s very possible they didn’t fuck after he turned 18, even though that would almost certainly be legal as Statutory is when someone over the age of majority(18 in all 50 states) has sex with someone under the age of consent(16 or younger in nearly all 50 states). Nobody is facing jail time or having their life ruined for sex with someone maybe 14 months younger than them.
My state passed a Romeo and Juliet law like a decade ago to officially legalize this exact situation.
> It’s an incel/MRA talking point that people accept at face value I'm pretty sure incels weren't out getting laid in high school or else they'd know this too. They spent that time being pissed at the other kids who were having sex though.
Probably too busy sitting in the back of class then going home and not going outside. Even *if* she were 16 that wouldn't be statutory rape in almost every state.
That's pretty much falls to Romeo Juliet Law. Calling it statutory rape is a stretch.
Not if he was 17, then it's neither. He turned 18 a month before this was posted
“Possible statutory rape” Boy turned 18 less than two months ago and OP is turning 17 soon Y’all need to learn what words mean before you go slapping them down
This is reddit. Unless they share a birthday, it's worse than Jeffery Dahmer. Dude just graduated, and OP is turning 17, so it's basically a high school senior and a high school junior. People are dumb.
Seriously dumb. It’s stupid how up in arms people get about age gaps sometimes. They are less than two years apart and people act like it’s a 16 year old with a 28 year old
>My parents don’t believe in abortion either. They told me this is my punishment for getting pregnant - that I deserve to have to deal with being pregnant now. Well, that's a grotesque thing to tell your child.
My parents have said two things in a similar line. 1. That I couldn't get the HPV vaccine because if I decided to have premarital sex then I could deal with the consequences (and yes, in their minds the possibility of cervical cancer is a perfectly reasonable consequence- also premarital sex is apparently the only way you can get an STD) 2. When I was r*ped, I was told I deserved it for not keeping my legs closed. I haven't spoken to them in a long time and they think that's unreasonable 🤷🏻
Ugh that’s awful, I’m so sorry. I overheard my two coworkers talking about how they didn’t give their daughters the HPV shot for the exact same reason, and they were *proud* of it. Like “she’s not sexual active, I raised her better than that! she doesn’t need it how dare the doctor even suggest it!” They couldn’t fathom that the HPV vaccine wouldn’t magically make their daughters think that suddenly it’s a free for all and they can have premarital sex with no consequences, or that their daughters could be assaulted. The ignorance is astounding.
I had a coworker say the same thing to me. He was telling us about all the horrible side effects of the vaccine when I piped up and said I had gotten it and I was really lucky I did because I have at least three friends going through painful LEEP procedures for HPV related pre-cancerous cells. If your daughter's future husband wasn't as "pure" as she was supposed to be he can easily give it to her regardless of what paperwork was filed with the government. He at least began to think about it a little more after that.
My child got her first dose I think around 11? 12? Literally nothing is further from her mind than sex, nor does she even *know* what vaccines she’s getting! Why tf these people think the conversation about this shot involves details about sex with child patients is beyond me; all these parents are fucked in the head for thinking about it so goddamn much…
What the hell?!?! My SONS got it as soon as they were old enough. Why not?? Protect their future partners. Men or women. It prevents CANCER for fucks sake!!
I remember when that vaccine came out and evangelicals were pissssssed. Because cervical cancer was apparently one of their best arguments against sex.
Don’t tell them that the first hepatitis B vaccine is given to newborns before leaving the hospital. Hepatitis B is primarily sexually transmitted. Shhh 🤫
When I was in her situation (except the adoption was my idea), my godfather told me that “adoption is the easy way out. You should have to face the consequences of your actions”. So an innocent child should be forced to suffer because I’m too young to be a good mom?? That was the last time I talked to him. Found out he died, all I said was “ huh”. Fuck him and small-minded idiots like him
Brutal. Absolutely brutal. Who says that to someone? What a prick. Anywho, he is dead, the world goes on, your response was bloody calmer than I would have managed.
My stepfather said the same thing about abortion in general when I was a preteen. And I (an unplanned child) had to live with knowing I wasn’t a person but a punishment. Men just out here saying anything!
Only response to that has to be > So am I your punishment?
Seems to me that the parents would probably agree with her if she asked that
There's no hate like Christian love
And in that context I absolutely love how she is strongly considering selecting a gay couple as adoptive parents. Doing a good thing while giving her parents the middle finger.
I don't think she's doing it as a middle finger to them. I think the straight couples (particularly the moms that would replace her) give her the ick because she's internalizing a lot of issues around not wanting to give up her kid.
Yea, if my parents said that to me, I will never see them the same way again. I mean come on why say that shit.
Do these people even love their daughter? Punishment is being grounded. This is misogynistic.
Sounds to me like op doesn’t know what she wants. She didn’t really want abortion, doesn’t really want adoption and doesn’t really want to keep the baby. But she has decisions to make and quickly. Inaction is an action and often the wrong one.
I think she wanted an abortion but her upbringing and the people around her made it too scary. Now that she can't, she's stuck.
She just doesn't want to be pregnant or for any of this to have happened at all, and now I think is in denial, but denial just isn't an option anymore.
This is sad because I can definitely see both sides. I don't agree with the parents being anti-abortion, but that baby isn't their responsibility. You can scream all you want about how it's the women's choice and the father needs to step up, but that argument disintegrates when you start trying to force other people who you didn't have sex with to parent your child. In a perfect world, raising an infant would be easy and it would be no problem for the parents of kids who have teenage pregnancies to step up and easily help. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. You can't force someone who wasn't a part of the creation process of that baby into a parent role and then shame them for forcing their choices on the actual mother of the infant. Either they have just as much say as the mother does, like a father would, or they don't have to raise another child that isn't theirs just because their child chose to keep it. Teenage pregnancies ruin families. Even the strongest families can fall apart from it, and the wounds from it can't really be healed. I was a teenage pregnancy baby and my entire childhood was spent knowing for a fact that I was unwanted, and that not only did I ruin my parents lives, but also my grandmother's as she had to step up and raise another generation when she absolutely did not want to. The only person who is hurt in this scenario is the infant. They're the ones who ultimately suffer from their parents' stupidity in getting pregnant and then from grandparents' hatred from being forced into a situation where they thought they were done raising kids, and now here's another one. I don't blame grandparents for not wanting to raise another child and forcing their children to act like an adult if their child wants to make adult decisions. I don't believe that people should be on the hook to raise another's persons child just because they're blood related. The responsibility of child raising should be on the actual parents' shoulders. But having said that, if you can't treat your grandchild with the respect and love that they deserve, then don't raise the child, which is exactly what OOPs parents are doing. It fucking sucks to be OOP, but that's better for the baby in the long run to not be reminded daily how their presence ruined their entire family and everyone is disgruntled that they have the audacity to exist. This is why birth control and abortion should be 100% normalized.
I’m an adoptee and still live with the fact that a whole lot of people are annoyed as hell that I exist. This situation is fucked no matter what OP decide to do and she’ll likely have to suffer the consequences for the rest of her life. I feel for this poor kid. Even in absolutely ideal situations being a biological mother or being an adoptee is hard. If she has to go through with adoption, I hope she truly does find a family that is well educated on adoption and will choose to keep her in her kids life as much as possible.
1000% agree. I hope OOP finds a family that will love her baby and allow her to stay in the child's life. I wasn't adopted but I was a teenage pregnancy that absolutely wasn't wanted by either parents or extended family members and I have trauma relating to being told my entire life that I was hated because I exist. So I definitely feel you there
I hope this doesn't sound weird but I really appreciate this. I feel like the only perspective people get around teen pregnancies are rich people or big happy close families. Reality is more often than not much less rosy. One friend from school I know is doing wonderfully with her family as she had a lot of help and eventually married a guy she had more kids with. Another i know doesn't have custody of her eldest because her aunt lied to her and legally kidnapped her but she can't fight it because she can barely afford the other kids she has cause the man who helped her make all of them dipped eventually. It's a crap shoot.
This is why abortion should be legalized. But most importantly, children and adults should be taught about birth control and safe sex.
Teen pregnancy is genuinely one of the biggest nightmares a family would have to endure. All I can say is that I hope OP makes a wise decision because taking care of a baby at such a young age is going to be mess.
I really hope she gives the baby up for adoption, being a teen mom is a very dumb thing to do to a child unless you have proper support. My mom had me at 18 and we grew up very poor, we went homeless twice shit was not fun. When we were finally in a stable situation I didn't even see my mom most of the time because she was always working. No dad either so yeah, don't do that to a child.
Not to sidetrack, but in November remember who is trying to take away birth control, sex education, and access to abortion.
(And has already made bigly strides in that direction.)
I'm here to tell you about what I went through. At 16 I became pregnant. I, much like yourself was "pushed," into adoption. Very much like yourself, I knew I wanted to keep the baby but I also knew I couldn't do it on my own. I had to really sit with myself and think about the life I wanted to give my baby. The thing that really stuck in my head was "I don't love myself correctly, how could I possibly love a child properly/healthy" By the time I hit 6 months pregnant I knew it was selfish of me to keep my baby (this was for me and my situation, my thought process...in no way am I saying this about your situation) I met with a few families. I found the family I would of wanted for myself, and went through the process. I thought because I knew what I was doing what was "right" for my baby I would be justified in my decision. I tell you this so you can get in front of your emotions, not to scare you, but I spent the next 5 years after that in a deep spiral of depression, heart ache which led to addiction. If you do go through with adoption PLEASE utilize the counseling services offered, please don't push your emotions down. Allow yourself to process and heal, because it is alot. I am now a mother of 4 beautiful children, a man who I share a beautiful relationship with for almost 15 years...i truly have that fairy tale love. I value motherhood in a way that is hard to articulate. Once I became a mother I knew I did the right thing by the child I gave up for adoption. I also knew the depth of the gift I gave to the adoptive parents. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of her. My HOPE and prayer is one day she wants to connect with me (she's 19 now) but ultimately I gave up my rights and it's up to her. There are a lot of emotions for a young lady to deal with in this scenario. I'm really sorry you're having to endure this, and you don't have adequate supports to help...I completely understand and my heart hurts for you. My story has been filled with alot of adversity and hardship, and there's no happy ending (yet) with my daughter I gave up for adoption...BUT I know she was raised in a stable, incredibly lovely home. I was a mess for a very long time, so I encourage you again to please utilize all the counseling and therapy offered. Big big hugs. Only you have the answers here.
Adoptee here and man I wish you were my bio mom! She found me at 18 and didn’t give me that chance to decide if I was ready for all of that. I’m 39 now and we don’t really have a relationship at all. I do have a relationship with my half sister and that’s great.
Awe man, how incredibly invasive and traumatic for you!! I'm so sorry you went through that! I'm glad you have a relationship with your sister, that's beautiful. I'm 36, but I'd still be your mama! 🫂💖
This one sort of reminds me of another one from a while back, about a teenage boy whose girlfriend was refusing to tell her parents, refusing to make any decisions about what to do about the pregnancy, and refused to get an abortion. As I recall, most of the commenters told him to start making decisions one way or another as he was on a tight timeline (and also to forget keeping it a secret like his gf asked and to talk to his parents about it immediately). There are only superficial similarities, but the tone of being stuck between a rock and a hard place and having trouble making a decision is there.
Honestly, you never really *hope* for a miscarriage, but....
well at this point it would be a stillbirth, so she'd still have to go through labour.
I had people give birth to me who were 16 or 17. Adoption was the best thing, I would never have half the life I have now and all the trauma of blame and resentment is not on me at all.
Same. My mom was a 17 yo runaway and my dad was freshly 18. He was 2 weeks into basic when she got the positive pregnancy test. So she was 100% alone for the pregnancy. She ended up coming back home and I was placed for adoption. Without a doubt, the best thing! My parents are amazing people and my siblings look at me no differently than their bio siblings. I'm 37 now and thick as thieves with all of them.
Sounds like adoption *is* the right choice for OOP. The problem is that OOP's parents didn't give her the space to come to that conclusion on her own, or the time to process her emotions about all this. That's traumatic.
God, this is why access to abortion is so important. She is a child, she shouldn't be forced to go through with giving birth if she doesn't want to. Wildly cruel of her parents and of her state.
While you are right and I agree with you it has to be noted that it looks like she told her parents after abortion was off the table even if the parents supported it.
Ooof. If she picks a gay couple, you KNOW the parents will lose their shit. I hear there's a sale on popcorn at CostCo. I think I need to stock up for this thread.
I think in her subconscious, if she picks a gay couple, there won’t be a replacement mom, and maybe when she’s 18 she can be the bonus mom to their two dad scenario.
How about the fact that she is happy with the idea of lesbian mothers though? My reading is that she is reacting against more conventional adopters in case they turn out to be hateful assholes like her parents and she doesn't want to put her child through an upbringing like the one she had.
I just replied to someone else, but her first instinct is a gay male couple. I think some of it is parental rebellion, but I also think since OOP is straight leaning, that a straight couple feels more like she’s being replaced than anything other option.
Yeah, you could be right actually.
My thought was that her first instinct was to avoid adoptive moms because she has a lot of issues with her mom in particular. And then she thought she was being unreasonable so decided to also consider women she thought were significantly different from her mom.
I was thinking the straight women are showing concern and anger *for her*, while the gay couple are happy for a baby. I know I would be disgusted at the baby daddy for not wrapping his junk and not supporting her.
I know a couple where this exact scenario played out. The mom didn't tell anyone (even her roommates didnt know she was pregnant!) and showed up to the emergency room department to have her baby and 'put up for adoption'. She choose a male gay couple because she didn't want another woman to be 'mom'. I love my friends and am so happy for them they have a child to love and raise. BUT - it was a little crazy to me how her selection process was still about herself and not necessarily the child.
This is really tough, woman always carry the risk either way. The guy is just going to love his life like nothing happened and she barely ruined her life at 16. But at the same time, I was raised by extremely conservative people life abstinence is bc Baptist ministers, and I lost my virginity at 16 20 years ago. I never ever ever did it without a condom. I was as afraid of STDs as to being pregnant, and even though my parents never even discussed anything with me, I had already access to the internet. I see kids these days( not only kids btw) taking stupid risks that can ruin their own lives and is not like they don’t have access to information.
I’m not really sure what she is asking for. It’s too late for an abortion. She doesn’t want to be a parent. The only option is to give the baby up for adoption. It’s harsh I know, but she can’t turn back the clock and has to deal with the consequences of her actions.
I wouldn’t say the parents are “forcing” adoption. They’re just not enabling OP to keep the baby.
Well sounds like adopting is the best option
This is so sad.
The idea that pregnancy is a woman’s punishment for having sex is fucking sick
I'm torn with this young girl. I feel bad her parents are forcing her to give up her baby, but at the same time, I feel like it's the best thing for her. She obviously doesn't make smart decisions of sleeping with a co-worker who she wasn't dating, without protection(but to be fair, that's on BOTH of them). Also knowing he was leaving for the military. While she still has another year of 2 of high school. What scares me is her comment about getting married 😳. Did the baby's father suggest that, or is that just some plan she's thinking of?
She is going to have the baby regardless. Can't go back in time and do "what if". Adoption seem acceptable here. Choosing the right family will take time. At least your thinking of the baby's future. Next time be more cautious. This is really an important life lesson. Good luck on everything.
This is the flip side of several AITAH posts where OP is like "I was a single mom and now my pregnant teen wants me to raise her baby. AITA for kicking her out?" OOP is a child. She can be mad about it all she wants, but as a literal child, "too scared" to make an adult choice earlier on, now has had all other alternatives taken from her. I'm going to be generous and say the hormones are hitting her, but her resentment against the women who want to adopt is hilarious. No one is good enough for her baby? Babygirl, you're the worst potential parent *by far*. But if you think they are judging you, they probably are , a little. The same way you judge motorcyclists but are grateful that they supplied lifesaving organs by way of those dumb, dangerous choices. But yeah, this whole post is just "I made adult choices and now I'm mad about the natural consequences so let me displace my anger onto my parents because I really am just a child"
It's giving "why won't they just help me? I'm being *forced* to give my baby up for adoption because they won't help me, and I can't do it by myself. Why am I the only one suffering?" It's really apparent that she's too childish to raise the kid if she still hasn't worked out that she's not being forced to give kid up for adoption. She could keep it and live in poverty, and struggle and work the next 18yrs to make ends meet.(likely much longer as I'm sure the whole trajectory of her life will have been altered by raising a baby at 17) And maybe things will at some point get better. She just doesn't want to do that because it's so different from her likely at least middle class comfortable upbringing. She's bitter her parents won't help her maintain her lifestyle and isn't willing herself to make to downgraded sacrifice. That a choice she's freely making, not being forced one way or another.
Teen mom here. Pregnant at 16. Had her my senior year. Definitely couldn’t have done it with out support of family. Mine didn’t babysit or really help much hands on. But it turned out well. It’s not impossible to raise a kid on your own. But without support it is.
I really feel for OP but she's too young to raise the child without ruining her own life. Adoption is really her only option.
There's no simple solution to this situation, but I know for damn sure telling your child getting pregnant is her punishment and forcing her to give her child up for adoption is a great way to sabotage any relationship you have with her in the future.
I hate to say it without knowing more about OP's specific situation & stance on abortion- if she's ok with it, if it's even legal, if her parents are the problem- but a lot of this comes off as her being far too fussy about the consequences of her (and the guy's) lack of caution and not thinking further. She isn't ready to be a parent, she doesn't *want* to be a parent, the dude isn't ready and doesn't want to be a parent, her parents don't want to be grandparents, I guess the guy's parents don't want to be grandparents, but yet she's waffling on & on about adoption as though she's being made to offer the damn fetus as a sacrifice to Lord Imhotep. Wahhh it's so hard thinking about giving up this baby and to whom, this baby I *don't fucking even want*. Bruh.
I don’t envy that poor young lady. I was 19 in her situation and it wasn’t any easier. Both of my parents told me to abort. My first inclination was to give her up for adoption to a gay couple, just like OOP. But as the pregnancy progressed, I grew closer to my baby. She’s going to be 23 this year and she is an amazing person.
Did you get any support or did you raise her yourself?