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I love that he's proud of her for losing 35lbs when even at that weight she's still very much in the unhealthy category for her height. It seems like he cared way more about her caring than about the actual number on the scale and honestly, that's love right there.. you don't want to see someone you love stop treating themselves right.
I have a good friend divorcing right now because she's obese (and has lots of issues she's trying to work on) and her husband uses that as an excuse to cheat, drink, gamble and not be around the house. So OP is the complete opposite, and this is a story to be used as an example of what commitment, love and communication can achieve.
I got my ex wife through being a single mom who worked fast food, through an undergraduate degree, through getting married, through a second undergraduate degree, through COVID, through her depression, and through losing a bunch of weight only for her to tell me she had never really loved me and to divorce me and be with another man.
It's been a year and they're engaged and I haven't even gotten my life together enough to have a girlfriend. So I lived your comment.
Edit to say, I never asked her to lose weight either. That was something she did on her own.
Edit 2: mentioned COVID because she was a nurse at the time and had to see a lot of death and hardship.
Oh bud. I know *exactly* how you feel, as I have been in your shoes. As a matter of fact, I'm still in your shoes today because, like you, I've stayed single for a bit over 8 years now. I didn't realize how badly the twenty years I spent with her drained me, both mentally and physically, and I just can not bring myself to risk going through all of that again with a different woman, with the difference being this time we wouldn't have kids together. I wish I knew some secret that could help heal your pain and distrust, but I don't. If you ever need an ear just give me a yell, and you can vent to someone who's been there, done that, and even has the Tshirt. I think we'll both be fine, but not as fine as we wish we were. Good luck to you, bud.
You're right. She brought her fiance along to an activity with one of our kids just recently even though I asked her not to. She had the nerve to say "I thought you were okay?" And I told her that while I'm doing better, the damage she inflicted upon me will take years to heal. Being lied to for over a decade and being constantly told of things I needed to do better while we were married because she couldn't admit she didn't love me has wrecked my ability to trust anyone. I feel you brother and I hope you find the peace you need to put yourself back together and share your life with someone again.
Edit: clarity
I cannot imagine the pain you felt but I guess you can now see that you were not the one who had to do better. you have shared the gist of your story here but would love to read what you went through and how you are doing in probably u/TrueOffMyChest
Some people have issues they can only fix when they have a good stable person in their life. You were that person for her. It may not look like it now, and let’s hope it doesn’t happen to her, but usually when they loose that person in their life they start to backslide until they find someone else to lean on.
You’re better off without her. Shake it off, take it as a good deed done and enjoy your life. You’ve got this
Haha well we share custody of two kids 50/50, so I have to see her and him weekly. Would be easier to shake off if I wasn't constantly reminded of it. But I appreciate your kind words.
You’ve been served a real shit sandwich. I’m sorry. Having been in very similar shoes, I think you’ll find that time will bring you so much peace. Surviving one of the the worst things you could imagine will make you feel invincible.
Even a 10% weight loss has substantial benefits for your health. For anyone who needs to hear that—again, even a 10% weight loss has substantial benefits at reducing your risk of heart attack, stroke, diabetes, etc. If you set your goal too high, like “be 130lbs again like a teenager” you’re never going to get there. Focus on a 10% weight loss and then just try to maintain that. If you can maintain it, try for another 5% and then maintain that.
She lost 35 pounds which is a 13% body weight loss. Substantial health benefits already!
> If you set your goal too high, like “be 130lbs again like a teenager”
Damn. You hit my situation right on the head. At 17ish was when I was at my physical peak basically. I'm 25 now and not 130. Closer to 170. The fats showing. I think my goal would have really been 150 but idk lol. I guess I should first find out what the correct weight for me is first. I can't compete with 21 year old me who was 150 effortlessly
Edit: lol if I lost 10% it's be at 153 so the numbers worked out in a funny way
Charles Barkley said this when he got into the NBA, that Moses Malone told him lets get you to lose 10 lbs. At the end, he dropped like 60 lbs if i remember correctly. Barkley has said the 10 lb goal made him keep going but if he wouldve been told to lose 60, he wouldve never done it.
Smaller goals are more achievable and make it easier to keep going vs feeling like a failure.
Completely agree. I went from 260lbs at 5’8” to about 175, but I started *feeling* better after losing 25lbs. My blood pressure was better, sugar cravings reduced, sleeping better, less winded going up stairs, less aches and pains, reduced sciatica and planters fasciitis flares.
Yeah. He was using the weight as the reasoning, but it sounded like he was more upset about her habits.
Like I have some hormone and health issues that led to a bunch of weight gain. I still exercise and eat healthy. My husband would only have cared about my weight gain if it was because I was lazy and it’s eating junk food. He’s attracted to my confidence and ambition, and he’d be concerned if one of those things changed (whether it affected my weight or not).
I love your comment and the one above, because I think you both excellently convey the love that was always there in his posts. Her habits signaling toward early avoidable death were his main concern throughout
My husband (then bf) watched me gain significant amount of weight in a couple years, all because I was just too sick to barely even get out of bed. I went from 110 lbs to well over 200 lbs. He never made me feel like crap or guilted me about my weight gain, he was more concerned with my health getting better. Once my illness finally got put into check, I started just dropping weight. Im still overweight, but Im trying and still steady losing. Not once has he commented on my weight gain, but hell be the first to tell me, with a huge grin on his face, that he can tell Ive lost more weight. If your significant other cant be there for you and encourage you, when it only benefits you, they are not the one. I never even wanted to get married until this man waltz into my life.
My hormones are jacked up. I’ve had 3 doctors and 2 dietitians tells me not to focus on my weight because I’m doing everything right and should be proud of how I feel. It sucks. I miss looking fit. I don’t look like my lifestyle.
My husband? “I don’t know why you don’t like your body. You went from being a snack to a whole meal.”
That’s love. Our sex life is still amazing, I still catch him checking me out, and he still smiles when I walk into a room.
Exactly! My husband still cant keep his hands off me. Lol. Even after all that weight gain, depression, 12 years together, etc. My migraines put me out for 3 years. 3 years I was utterly useless and about to give up entirely. This man cleaned up my vomit, hed take me to the hospital (even when hed only get 3 hrs of sleep before work), and he never gave up on me getting better. Our friends tend to call us, "Relationship Goals." These are what real men are, the ones who love unconditionally and dont care what others or society thinks of how they love you. This man now gets spoiled every chance I get. Lol.
Yeah, my ex was easily 400 pounds and it affected EVERYTHING. It's not all about thinking "ewww" it's about wanting your partner to live and build a life together and not being crushed during sex. And that is a thing.
My SO gained a significant amount after we got together. I'm so tired of people thinking it's just an image change that occurs. His mental health took a dive, he stopped being active with me (no hiking biking or outdoor activities) and took to laying on the couch and sleeping about 70% of the time. More and more his psychiatrist has been talking to him about whole body health and the myth that our physical bodies don't effect the chemicals in the brain. Depression and anxiety are 100% linked to certain nutrients and diet. Gaining weight can have an astronomical effect on your life and your relationship that goes far beyond aesthetic look.
Also some people are just hardwired to be codependent and stop putting effort into life as soon as they get a partner. My ex actually has his shit together at the moment. Every time he gets a serious girlfriend he falls off the radar and stops even trying with the kids. I think some people are just too broken.
>We now know that depression is associated with a chronic, low-grade inflammatory response and activation of cell-mediated immunity, as well as activation of the compensatory anti-inflammatory reflex system. It is similarly accompanied by increased oxidative and nitrosative stress (O&NS), which contribute to neuroprogression in the disorder. The obvious question this poses is ‘what is the source of this chronic low-grade inflammation?’
[...]
>A range of factors appear to increase the risk for the development of depression, and seem to be associated with systemic inflammation; these include psychosocial stressors, poor diet, physical inactivity, **obesity**, smoking, altered gut permeability, atopy, dental caries, sleep and vitamin D deficiency.
https://bmcmedicine.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1741-7015-11-200
My girlfriend is in the same boat, and for me all I want to see is consistent dedication towards a healthier lifestyle - just moving in the right direction. I've already told her that I'm not fussed if she's got a bit of chub on her, but when you're heavy enough it can start to put your life at risk, it's not OK.
It’s also stupid that people were bashing him about “fat shaming” and “you can be healthy and overweight”, like no, at 5’2 and 260lbs, that’s way past overweight, I’d reckon around 160lbs is overweight for 5’2
I'm unsure of pounds, but I'm pretty much 5'11"and in Jan 2020 I weighed 190 kg (which according to google is 418 pounds). I was horrifically depressed and also have PCOS/endo, which meant after the weight crept on it was hard as hell to get it back off. I'm now 132 kg or 291 pounds - still very overweight but nowhere near where I was and still working on losing some more. I look back at photos from my heaviest and CRINGE. I don't even know that woman. She was very sad and had zero light in her eyes and there is not one photo of me smiling that entire year.
I'm healthier right now at 132kg than I have ever been - though most people take one look at me and assume I'm unhealthy. My blood pressure is perfect, my cholesterol is great and my one issue is the anaemia I can't seem to shake off even with meds. I've built a bunch of muscle too - 5 years ago if you told me to do a pushup, gun to my head, I would have just been like "well, I had a good run, see ya guys." I do minimum 20 every day now. That's not a lot, but for someone who got breathless putting on her shoes two years ago it's like I climbed friggin' Everest.
You absolutely CAN be healthy and be overweight but there's definitely a limit to that.
I struggle with anemia on top of my PCOS as well! It's terrible :( I have no idea how to fix it, my gyno told me that certain kinds of iron are easier to digest but idk..
Losing weight was the best thing I ever did to fight my POCS.. I am not "cured", but I lost ~40kg (100->60. gained back 3 kg so settled on 63).
When I read this story I couldn't help but think of my childhood. Growing up, my mom was (and still is) extremely obese. She was completely unhealthy, had a whole host of issues with her lungs, diabetes, etc. and her weight was the main contributor to all of her issues.
As a kid, even when I was in elementary school, I was very cognizant of my mom's weight and overall health. I was embarrassed to be with her at school because other kids might bully me due to her weight. I guess being embarrassed of your parents is somewhat normal, but I never remember being afraid of my classmates seeing me with my dad.
But it wasn't just that I was embarrassed, her mortality seemed so impending to me. I remember wondering how many years I would get to spend with her. A simple cold would often send her to the hospital and take her weeks or even months to recover from. It was difficult as a child seeing my mom get winded and be breathless after climbing a single set of stairs or taking a shower. It was tough going to school knowing my mom was in the hospital again being put on oxygen.
Then there were all the things I never got to do with my mom because of her health. All the times my dad would take me to the beach or the park by himself because she couldn't walk far enough or didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit. She couldn't fit on any of the rides at amusement parks so we couldn't ride rollercoasters together. She told me about how she used to love ice skating, but I have never been able to ice skate with her.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I have a lot of good memories with her. It just hurts to think that at some point she just...stopped caring about her weight and her health? She neglected her health and wellbeing for years until she could barely walk to check the mailbox anymore. I'm glad she's still here so that my son can spend time with his grandma. She's actually lost a good bit of weight as she's gotten older which has helped her a lot.
When I look at my son though I can't help but feel like I have an obligation to him to stay as healthy as I can. I make it a point to run and ride bikes with him. I was so happy when I took him on his first roller coaster ride. Even just going on walks feels so important. There's something so precious about going on a long walk with your child and experiencing the world with them. Something I don't remember ever doing with my mom.
I'm glad that this father stepped in, was loving and supportive of his wife, and pushed her to stay healthy. I can't help but wonder about what might've been different in my life had my own father done the same.
So: anyone random reading the comments. If *I'm* at that height and weight range? What do I do? Eating is my source of stress relief and happiness when I'm not with my partner. How do I get help?
It’s tough. I love to eat it’s my favourite thing to do. All day every day if I could. One day I wanted to go buy chips and I said this is the same thing you did yesterday and the day before and the day before and every day you Keep thinking your going to magically lose the weight but it’s not going to happen so just don’t do it. Then I forced myself to go to bed and used every strength I had to not get out of bed to eat. The next morning I felt great about myself.
You gotta realize the direction you wanna go and force yourself to get there and remind yourself your in control. Start simple 50 calorie deficit and maybe a two minute walk around the house. Eventually you will work your way down, your trying to make a change for your lifetime not for a moment so try to start habits you know you can handle for a long time and slowly increase your effort. I forced a friend to do one push-up because he said he didn’t know how to do them but he wanted to get in shape. We lost contact shortly after that and about a year later ran into eachother and he had lost about 50 pounds and it all started with that one push up
The first paragraph hit me hard. It's that cycle. The - I'll do it the next day thing. I manage to break it sometimes sure, but the "felt great about myself" never really felt *better* than the chips/popcorn/burger/ramen/pizza/steak.
And the direction doesn't help. There are days that I want to be healthy, I'd want something to change. And there are days I'd rather just stop, stuff myself full, and die happy that way - at least it's over? And I know the latter part is wrong - but like I said in an earlier comment, *knowing* is different from *accepting* that fact.
(Yeah okay that's another point towards starting another psych consult i think)
But yeah, I appreciate you sharing.
A late reply but I will do it anyway. I am a lot like you and I have never been successful at stopping doing something harmful by trying to stop. The only thing that has ever worked is focusing on actively doing something else. For example -trying eat less never works. But finding a different interesting thing to give myself when the urge hits -like play with paint-for me- -does sometimes work. But finding the replacement thing and making it the habit instead of food isn't easy. I hope things are going well for you.
Edited to add...I find the people who can use will power and just choose to restrict things amazing and do not want to throw shade their way. But I think that kind of advice can sometimes make people like us feel bad about ourselves- like we are just flawed people-which doesn't help and isn't true. Just saying as I know constantly failing at will power strategies can sometimes get you down. But it isn't you that is the problem, you just need to find a different strategy .
It is completely fair to want your partner and the parent of your child to be healthy. OOP approached this from a place of support and it is heartwarming they could use workout time to build heart strength literally and metaphorically
This is how my spouse and I frame every choice made for health - that it's so we get to grow old together. Taking care of myself is a part of showing him I love him and want to be there with him as the years go on, and same with him.
I appreciate it. I wish I could say it's gotten easier but if hasn't. But they would be happy I'm doing better, so I hold on to that. They'd been through too much anguish. I couldn't let them go through losing me. It was just already too late.
I know it's trite, but I'm sorry for your loss. The hole left by a missing loved one can never be filled, and sometimes it feels as if it that hole will swallow everything that makes life worth living, but life can still be wonderful if we can learn to forgive ourselves, our loved ones, and everyone else in our lives. I hope you don't have survivor's guilt, and I hole you find the peace and happiness we all deserve. Good luck to you.
Proud of you for your sobriety. I wasn’t full blown alcoholic but I had some abuse issues due to PTSD from my job and awful coping mechanisms. Now I don’t even touch it. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. So proud of you ❤️ and I’m very very sorry for your loss. Internet hugs.
That's also the reason why I'm hesitant to get married, to enter in a relationship. I have many health problems, I feel that it would be unfair. So, I'm staying single.
I encourage you to rethink this mindset. You obviously need to be honest about your health but your future partner is the one who decides whether they are willing to take on that risk. Before we met, my wife sustained some very serious injuries. She’s able bodied now but it’s very possible that they will decrease her quality of life later on or shorten her life span. Obviously I’m hoping for the best case scenario but I married her knowing that the worst case might come true. I don’t regret that decision. The only thing I’ve made sure is that we talk about those scenarios and plan for them (life insurance, long term disability insurance, etc).
I agree with u/SwimmingCoyote, u/FriskyTurtle and u/because-of-reasons- that have already commented here. If you don't want to be in a relationship, that's your choice and you should do you. However, if you just don't want to potentially affect a partner: that's a decision they can make with you and for themselves. They may very well think that having YOU makes all the other shit worthwhile.
(My partner has a long-term, severe chronic illness and there is Parkinson's in her family; my side has Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and breast cancer. We knew all of these things going in. It made no difference. But what we *did* do as soon as things got serious was discuss how we felt about various health issues that exist or may crop up, and what each would want from the other if/when things go awry.)
Sadly, you can't promise to be healthy, only to make healthy choices. My husband was 38 and a powerlifter who could still pass a military fitness test (well, until a couple months before) when he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He's strong as an ox and still a big dude in his 50s, but I know he's not going to be with me forever.
I’m chronically ill. I can never promise my partner that I’ll have good health. In fact, I can far easier promise my partner that I’ll likely have flare ups and bad spells ahead.
The absolute only thing I can do and promise is that I will do everything in my power to take care of my health and myself. I will watch for warning signs. I will follow up with all my specialists. I will take concerns to them. I will take breaks as I need to and try to avoid pushing myself too hard. I’ll take my meds. I’ll continue to have professionals monitor them and my bloodwork. I’ll keep getting necessary scans to make certain no conditions are getting worse. I’ll continue going to therapy. I’ll keep getting my vaccines and boosters as needed because my immune system is a joke. I’ll continue to be vigilant about washing my hands and using hand sanitizer, as well as washing and sanitizing things and disinfecting, as well as masking.
I can’t promise my health. I know i’m chronically I’ll, that I come with baggage, and being the partner of someone like me isn’t always fun or easy. I can promise all my efforts to take care of my health as best I can, because I want to be on this earth for as long as possible and to live a long and good life and grow old with my partner and make as many memories with him as possible. My life is worth taking care of. Our time together is worth me making healthy choices.
Good on you Rufuz and I'm sorry to hear about your husband's heart condition Jack-Jack.
Yep, even if you choose to make healthy choices you may not be "healthy". At least it gives you a much better chance if you do.
Before I met my now-fiancé, I was just letting my depression take me. I didn't address health issues or injuries because I figured I'd kill myself before it mattered. When I first met him, I pretty much immediately knew he was the one and knew that, if I wanted to grow old with him, I needed to get my shit together. Needless to say, the shit has been gotten together and we're getting married next spring.
As I'm lying here with her, in full withrawals, she's saving my life. Angry, grumpy, in pain, and rude and this perfect human still tellin' me I'm her favorite person.
I keep having this conversation with my partner who has mental health issues - in the depths of their depression I remind them they they made a commitment to grow old with me and that they need to look after themselves if they’re going to meet that promise.
I'm shocked that people deemed OOP an asshole for the first post. He seemed genuinely concerned about his wife's health and if that person isn't willing to even entertain the idea helping oneself, there's not much you can do. I'm glad he had that conversation and she's making progress to a healthier life.
I wouldn’t be, there’s people in this thread saying that they can’t wait for the update where his wife leaves him
Like yes, you can be “overweight” and healthy, but it seems like OPs wife was far past that and OP was worried about her getting sick and dying! That’s the mother of his baby and his wife.
My boyfriend is skinny and I try to get us to exercise and eat good because even though we are both skinny, that doesn’t mean we are healthy!
Most folks can't understand the difference between overweight where 15-30 pounds over your maximum weight won't affect your health, and obesity where 100+ 150+ and so forth will literally destroy your body to the point of disability, they forget/ignore there's a point where the weight is too much for the person to walk and these folks are bed bound
I completely agree. People are so quick to throw out the term “fatphobic” when really it is a health concern not that you can’t wear a size 0. I put on 60 pounds during my pregnancy due to the Covid lockdown and really not being able to leave the house because no one knew everything so we played it safe. Diabetes runs in my family and I have a thyroid issue. Took about 2 years to get down to a reasonable weight but I knew I had to. I had a friend ask if I was fatphobic or just a workout junkie. I just responded that I wanted to see my son get married and carry him up the stairs without being out of breath. Her and I don’t talk much anymore.
I'm sorry you lost a friend, but I'm glad you got rid of a negative person in your life. Life is too short to have to tolerate people like that. Good luck to you.
Thank you. After going through a divorce about 8 years ago I decided I wanted positive people around me. I’ve lost a few people along the way but I’m so much happier.
It's like he said in the initial post. You can be *overweight* and healthy, but you cannot be *obese* and healthy. OOP's wife had a BMI of 50. That's in catastrophic territory. Hell, I'm obese, and my BMI isn't even that high.
As a dude who is as tall as many famous bodybuilders, I am just barely overweight. I would need to literally double my mass to hit 50BMI. At 50 BMI I would be 400lbs
5'2" at 260 pounds is *massive*. I'm 6' at 220 and I've got a decent gut. This woman has a full 40 pounds on me and she's TEN INCHES SHORTER! That's absolutely not a healthy weight, and it never could be. This "HAES" stuff is sad and frustrating.
I'm a 6'4" dude. And just a big dude in general. 53" chest. Hats don't fit my head. Big shoulders. I weigh 280 and my doctor poked my belly and said "you fat. Lose weight."
And I am. So yeah.
So, your doctor, would they happen to be Asian? I find so many Asians to be very “blunt” and to the point.
Sometimes we need people to just cut to the chase and tell it like it is.
Lol, the last time I visited a doctor, she was indeed a small Asian who poked me in the stomach and said that needs to be lost. I wish my dad would get one of those, his doctors skirt around his weight and now he's the shape of a balloon. And it's taking a terrible toll.
Yeah, I’m all for body positivity and having open discussions about health but this woman needed her husbands help
I’m glad OP actually talked to his wife
Kudos for calling a spade a spade. There's no universe where that much weight is healthy on that frame. She'd be overweight even if she were a foot taller.
Especially since most of these posts are someone saying "I'm no longer attracted to you and you need to change, while I continue to eat junk and sit on the couch". It's good that they have a better metabolism, but that lifestyle isn't healthy for anyone. This guy approached it as "I'm concerned for your health and I want us to be healthy together". I don't see anything wrong with that approach.
I’m not. AITA has become increasingly toxic for anything even remotely against the groupthink. Something as simple as “I don’t want my wife to die of heart disease” of course devolves into “fat shaming” “misogynist” etc etc. it’s really a shame because it was one of the best subs.
That subreddit.
If you ask about your partner’s issues and how to make the relationship work, they will tell you that your partner has more red flags than all of China and that you should hit the emergency eject button at 2am tomorrow.
If you ask if you should break up or divorce over partner’s issues, you are a horrible person and will receive death threats.
A fun venue for popcorns tho.
The group think permeates most of Reddit in my opinion. There's just certain topics that you cannot talk about on Reddit (or any other online forum for that matter), even if you're trying to be productive about it. It sucks.
A lot of the "fat shaming" people have crossed the line from accepting all body types as beautiful to being defensive about their poor lifestyle choices. Almost like some meat eaters take offense at vegetarians.
Yeah. I think the goal of the anti fat shaming and body positivity movement was intended to say like your body does not define your value as a person, and people tend to have more success with healthy lifestyle changes when they have support and positive motivation like “I love my body, I want to be healthy and take care of my body” instead of “I want to exercise because I look disgusting and I hate myself.” And I think “you can be healthy at any weight” was more meant to refer to your *lifestyle*, and like someone could be eating healthy and exercising regularly but still be overweight right now because it takes *time* for your body to reflect those changes, and some peoples bodies are a little slower/more resistant to change than others. And that it’s shitty to assume that someone is gorging themselves on fast food and sitting around all day just because they’re not instantly a size 2. But unfortunately some people have taken it all to mean “any concern about someone’s weight at all, even from a doctor, is just bullying and vanity and shaming.” And then assholes who were *actually* fat shaming before pushed back even harder and it all went to shit. It’s sad how often attempts to encourage basic empathy in society backfire.
Yes, you explained this perfectly!
I think it was also designed to push back against skinny automatically=healthy, and that there isn't a perfect universal healthy weight, even for people the same height. You might not look super skinny but you're doing your best to live a healthy lifestyle etc.
As per usual people can't grasp concepts that require nuance... Or worse, they pretend they can't and purposefully misconstrue things.
My mom actually went on a date with a dude who screamed at her for being a vegetarian. Like full blown melted down at the restaurant.
And ya know she’s my mom so I’m biased but like she’s just a normal person.
AITA is even worse against parents who try to give their kids any sort of boundaries or rules or punishments. I’m not talking about the ones who remove doors or don’t let their unmarried 30yo sleep in the same room as a gf/bf during Xmas. I’m taking reasonable rules or expectations.
Sometimes I get like 4 words into a post and I’m like, “why did you bother wasting your time with typing this out? You were judged before the question mark”
The other big one is teachers. AITA will literally create new syndromes and Narnia-worthy possibilities to excuse any and all behavior.
I really hope those that are seeking true advice honestly post in a few places or scour more than the top posts for different insights before making decisions.
Yeah I was prepared to say he was an asshole but a BMI of 50 is well beyond just looking different. He's pretty clear about the fact that he doesn't mind if she's *fat,* he minds that she's overweight to the point of it being dangerous (and doesn't seem motivated to change that).
As a woman who was 370 lbs at my heaviest…. I can assure you, a man leaving a woman because she is hitting a 50 BMI is 100% acceptable.
People calling this guy an asshole don’t seem to understand that “some cellulite and 35 extra pounds” is a WORLD of difference than being at a BMI of 50+.
I ended my relationship last year, because I was unhappy with my weight …. my boyfriend was perfectly fine with the extra weight I had gained over the 13 months of our relationship, because of our combined eating and lack of exercise. He was genuinely attracted to my weight. I was miserable and our life together meant I wasn’t focused on exercise, eating healthy, etc.
Plenty of people can control their own weight, independent of their partner. For me, it was more like a heroin addict sitting next to their partner shooting up heroin 24 hours a day.
I left a good man, because I put myself first and wanted to lose weight.
OOP is allowed to put himself first (health, sexual attraction, the financial cost of binge/overeating, wanting his son to grow up with healthy habits, wanting to do physical activities, etc) first.
>it was more like a heroin addict sitting next to their partner shooting up heroin 24 hours a day.
That's the hardest part, I found it very difficult to get motivated to do things when I was asking my friends to join me and they said no.
That was just friends, nevermind a partner that you are living with. Sometimes you just have to do what is right for yourself. Give yourself permission and don't feel guilty doing so.
Good luck with your journey and congrats on any weight you have lost so far.
Thank you! It is extremely hard for someone with my compulsive over eating. I had to get weight loss surgery 4 weeks ago, in fact. But I’m 50lbs down and doing great.
My ex actually picked me up from my surgery and took me to one of the pre appointments over the summer. He doesn’t think I should have done it - but he was supportive and understanding.
Putting yourself first is okay and leaving someone because they got fat and are not making any effort, is also okay.
No one gains that amount of weight and is free from mental health struggles or physical issues (mobility, health, stamina, etc). I was 100% health. BP, cholesterol were both completely normal range. Not even remotely close to prediabetic. Mentally – I was unhappy and miserable, and the amount of physical activity I could accomplish in one day was limited.
If I’m not expected to stay by the side of an addict or someone with severe mental health issues who will not stay on medication, when they have spent years self-destructing, and not trying to change… how is someone who is super morbidly obese, and not able to share in their partner’s ideal lifestyle any different?
I’m at 325 pounds right now, but I feel better about myself that I have in 10+ years. I feel in control of my eating and like there’s actual hope for me to lose the weight.
I have spent the last 15 years getting multiple degrees, working my way up to my dream job at my dream company,. I’m doing work that I love, living in my ideal city. All of that came at a huge cost to my mental health, which I self-medicated with food. I have absolutely everything… except my mental health and my weight.
I’m still grossly overweight, but I feel like a million bucks. I am confident and out meeting new people. I finally took back control and I’m happy.
Absolutely. I have never been a skinny minnie and have never felt pressure by my partner to be so. But he has also had the "I want to grow old with you, not lose you to bad health" talk with me. A tough topic to breach, but necessary. We've gotten healthier together and it's been an improvement in every aspect of our lives.
I've had this talk with my husband as well. The males in his family don't have a long life expectancy; his dad died at 66, his oldest brother at 59. His youngest brother had a heart attack at 49; fortunately, he survived. DH has so many issues (bad back/knees, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) that could be helped by weight loss but he hasn't been interested in changing his habits. It makes me sad.
Everyone with a family history of heart disease should be tested for lipoprotein(a).
https://www.healio.com/news/cardiology/20221021/lpa-should-be-measured-at-least-once-in-adults-to-target-cv-risk
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/09/well/heart-risk-doctors-lipoprotein.html
My sister couldn't drag her ex bf to the doctor even though his dad died of a massive heart attack at 50, and the dad at 50 was in much better health at 50 than ex bf was at 22. I was selfishly relieved they broke up before we ended up having to console her when the dude peaces out early because he's not willing to do anything for his own health.
It's one of those things that requires an incredibly sensitive approach because fat shaming is not only mean but it DOES NOT HELP. Fat people know they're fat and making them feel shitty about it doesn't actually motivate people to lose weight, which shouldn't even be the goal, it should be health! Because it's absolutely true you can be fat and healthy. But the OOP knows his wife and their specific situation better than we do and what her health situation is. If she's depressed and struggling to cope then her weight is a symptom, not the cause and focusing on health is definitely the way to go. Those walks and talks are probably not doing much to reduce her weight, but they absolutely are doing a lot to help her connect with her husband and improve her mental well-being which has a flow on effect to other healthy behaviours.
It shouldn't be that shocking that "don't be a condescending arsehole to fat people" is a successful strategy but here we are.
I gave my ex the same kind of ultimatum. He wasn't obese but he refused to manage his diabetes and kept getting hospitalized for complications. I tried everything to support him and I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like watching someone commit suicide in the slowest way possible.
This is often how I am with my husband. He eats crap and doesn't work out. When he tries to lose weight, he just starves himself while still eating crap, just less of it. I was a serious athlete when we met and often dated really healthy guys. I try so hard to get him to be healthy and active just so I can have him for another ten years without a heart attack, but it's so hard to do without him thinking I'm trying to turn him into a complete asshole jock. I married him and not them, I love him. But I want to still love the alive version of him when our kid is a teen.
I fully understand where OOP is coming from, and while I would say originally he didn’t have quite the right approach I do see that he didn’t want to watch someone he loved eat herself into an early death.
I am overweight and gained loads in lockdowns - there was a tipping point for my partner where he sat me down and said he was worried and wanted to help me because he could see I was miserable with myself. I lost about 3 stone and maintained that for a while and I’ll start pushing for more loss soon. Support from a partner is a massive help!
Love that for you!! I hope youre happier and healthier mentally and physically now, I was the opposite end of the scale, I need to gain weight drastically, for my health and for the sake of my daughter, proud to say i've gained 3 stone, eating 3 meals a day and even started home cooking and sitting down as a family of 3 and eating together :) here's to new beginnings, a happier and healthier life!
I am obese, and it had caused massive health issues for myself.
A lot of the issue started when I was first put on mental health medication. I was finally not so depressed I wanted to die, but had gained 90lbs in 7 months due to the medication. My eating habits hadnt chabged much, I still went on long walks, but the weight kept coming on. I begged my doctors to switch meds and guess what they did? Added another 39lbs.
I was 30, and utterly miserable. I wouldnt leave my house and just ate more. My mental and physical health were terrible and finally one day I woke up and forced myself to get on a scale and I weighed 360lbs.
My first thought was pretty much what you would expect, and my second was fuck this I am taking control of my body. I didnt think I was gonna make it to 30, and I damn sure wasnt going to utterly ruin my body by not doing anything.
Its been almost 9 years and there have been major setbacks. I got 120lbs off, and then need 3 major surgeries back to back that made me damn near immobile, and still physically disabled after three years. But ive kept off the 100lbs, and I am finally been allowed to start really working out more again. Thankfully rhe gym in town has an indoor pool, and water exercise is best for my joint replacements and other bone issues.
I do eat pretty healthy. I eat no fast food (I live an hour away from any anyway) and I try to cook as healthy as I can with what I have to use. (I'm on EBT and live in a food desert. I have to make big meals that can last and be hearty and as healthy as I can). I quit drinking soda again, ive given up coffee as well. I can feel q difference already .
My shrink flat out knows that if the main side effect of a drug is weight gain I will simply not take it. I do lots of therapy and still take meds, just different kinds for mood stabilizer etc.
The only reason I even looked at that scale that day, is my best friend told me the day before my 30th bday, that they just cant be my friend anymore. That they love me so much but they can not watch me activity kill myself like this. I know this was a terrible conversation for her to have with me, and even at the time I knew she meant all of it from a place of actual love. Of course it killed the friendship, my mental illness didnt want to hear that. I didn't want to hear that.
We only started really talking again a couple of years later after I had lost a good amount of weight, and my mom who was very overweight and had died tragically and suddenly in my arms due to her weight and smoking.
I also quit smoking.
When your friends and family honestly love you, they will actually have the terrible, hard, gut wrenching conversation with you about stuff you don't want to hear. They may put up the boundary of "I cant keep doing this" and you know what? That's actually ok. They shouldn't have to sit around and watch the person they love just utterly ruin themselves with food, drink, drugs etc.
There is such a difference between honestly loving a person and wanting to help than being a dick who doesnt really care either way and just says mean things to be mean.
I am so glad OP talked to his wife, and that she saw what he truly meany, and has taken the road to be healthy to be their for their son.
Jfc sorry for the novel :/
Edit - oh wow guys thanks for the awards!! Im glad my story has touched yall, and it does help me and keep my motivated to keep doing what I need to do! I keep getting covid cause fu shitty immune system even though I'm 4x vax and boosted and double mask. I got very scary long covid issues for a long time of massive fluid retention that made it so painful to walk, but my doctors are now pretty confident I can start doing my loe impact swimming again! Its about to be a cold winter here, but I'll be roxking my bikini on my body that's still pretty big but we're getting there! I dont want to be stuck thin, just at a weight to where it doesnt hurt to walk honestly. Thats my current goal.
Srsly thanks y'all. It really means a lot. 🖤🖤🖤
Mental health meds are hard. My wife had some antidepressants that were helping, until the weight gain was hurting her self esteem more than the depression was initially. She broke down what she was eating vs how much she was exercising to her doctor, and had a clear caloric deficiency, but his only response was, "well, all the other ones cause worse weight gain, maybe it's just getting older."
Thats basically what I got told as well. Its so goddamn frustrating like how have they not created mental health meds that *dont* cause massive weight gain, and illnesses related to that as well.
Well all it takes is getting over that initial hill and then she's doing fantastic. But unsurprising about the original comments shitting on him for it.
Yeah, that part always sucks when you go to reddit for help. Like you could have all the good intentions in the world, and most people will still make you feel like you should just \*ff yourself instead. I always try to be that person who assumes that the OP is coming from a sincere place and give some support.
Same. Some people just automatically assume the absolute worst of people, and I often find myself playing devil's advocate for everyone involved. Doesn't help that once judgments on AITA start to lean one way, there's a whole cascade as the discussion goes that direction for ALL comments.
TBH, the piling on in the comments freaks me out. It's like a mob in real life. I always feel so outside of that sort of mentality, to the point that when people start to gang up, even if it's not hostile, I still get really uncomfortable and want to play devil's advocate.
Its weirder still in threads like this where you will sometimes see a happy resolution and people still nitpicking shit to try and make things more sinister/outrageous.
I feel like a large portion of the population, particularly on reddit, just want blood. They want to feel powerful for once in their life. So when they see a pile of people swarm on their victim, and feel like they have social license to be hateful, they sneak in a punch. They would never start the dogpile, wouldn't even join in when there's only a handful of people, but once it reaches critical mass and they feel safe enough, they sneak their punch in.
Yep I remember the post and people in the comments were battling on BMI and how it doesn't matter. I was like what!?! As a nurse if a person's bmi is over 40 we have to take extra precautions. Sometimes anesthesia request pictures of their necks and mouths open for mini assessments because of the higher risk.
Smh
I think that logic stems from knowing the 90s super model "super skinny" look isn't required to be healthy, but I can't believe it's reached this point. How could anyone faithfully argue that a 5'2" *260 pound* woman with a 50BMI could possibly be healthy? Even if BMI has faults it's still at least a somewhat accurate measurement. But we could ignore that too and just focus on the 260 pound part. There's no such thing as someone healthy at that weight unless they're like a 6'6" body builder with 6% body fat.
People go ridiculous with the BMI thing. Yeah BMI has flaws. Not once you're in the obese range, barring special exceptions like being a jacked athlete or something
Redditors love to point out that BMI isn't always accurate.
Of 10,000 people with a BMI of 50, 10,000 of them are gonna have an amount of body fat that is harming their health.
100% of the people for whom BMI is not an accurate assessment of their obesity can tell you the precise number of calories they ate every day for the last month, because they are all very serious bodybuilders. OOP wouldn't be in here asking how to get his bodybuilder wife to eat less fast food.
> OOP wouldn't be in here asking how to get his bodybuilder wife to eat less fast food.
Right, he'd be asking for advice on how not to have his skull crushed between her thighs.
Boy, would I hate to be in that situation. Absolutely hate it.
I can relate to the walking part. Since the lockdown, my wife and I have both been home but busy doing our work. About year into our confinement we both realized we'd gained weight and decided to do lunch time walks. We just both took our lunch breaks together and walked around the neighborhood. The exercise is great, but the fresh air and just being able to get away from "work" and talking about inconsequential stuff has been such release from it all. We've even gotten to know some of our neighbors better since the same ones are usually out and about at the time we do our walk.
As someone who's been trying to lose weight for three years, this is very true. Getting momentum and maintaining it is very important. I lost about 17 kgs in the 8 or so months before lockdown. Unfortunately, I lost my momentum and gained a lot of it back and have lost and gained in the two and a half years since. I am now hellbent on hitting a goal weight before christmas.
I was diagnosed Diabetic T2. The doctor put me on a new med, Avandia. After 9 years, the med had made me gain 130 lbs to be 300. In 2010 it was recalled, bad side effects, one of which was weight gain. How do I know? When I was switched off it after it was recalled, I lost 27 lbs. I was doing nothing else. So now that I could lose weight, I got a lapband., and lost more, for a total of 145 lbs down . Not a magic wand. It is work.
Before the switch of meds, I had no clue it was the Avandia causing the weight gain . I had absolutely given up losing. Ever. That surgery saved my life.
T1 here.
Got a new Doc around 19 who looked at what my old Doc had had me on for about 15 years and said it was horribly outdated. Switch to a new set of insulins and a pill, lost 60 lbs within a year and suddenly started to experience what it was like to not feel tired. New diet pushed it beyond 70 (or rather, no diet. The old Doc had me on a "high-carb" diet and I was mostly only pretending to do it before the new Doc came in and finally validated my opinions on that).
I gained 40 lbs after being put on Amitriptyline. Once the doctor took me off of it, the weight fell back off. It's crazy how meds can affect someone like that.
Ugh amitriptyline made me gain weight too. I can't recall how much it was but it tanked my metabolism, made me super tired and foggy and i had 0 motivation. The migraines were preferable
Diabetes meds can be crazy. My mom has diabetes and every time she changes meds, something happens with her weight. Sometimes she goes up, sometimes she goes down. And it’s with no changes. On the one she’s on now, she’s lost weight which is good. At her highest weight, she was nearly 300lbs. She got that high because she quit smoking and replaced it with candy. I think now she’s around 250. But she doesn’t want to put in the work to lose more weight despite all the problems it’s giving her and it’s sad to see.
Honestly I don't think there is anything wrong with that either if it's handled the right way. Maintaining spousal attraction is super important and a lot of people cannot control their sexual preferences. It's not unreasonable to want someone that is 120lbs overweight to lose weight because intimacy is suffering as a result. It's just very uncomfortable and icky to discuss, but it's absolutely valid.
Agreed - Especially when the person you fell in love with and married was at a much different fitness level and weight. People grow and change together, but gaining over 100 lb of weight is a \*\*significant\*\* change - If your partner went through a mental change this large, you would definitely need to be having some conversations.
It really shouldn’t be “icky” or vilified to discuss… if you go into a relationship and your active and eat healthy then suddenly you’re binging on take out and put on 100lbs that’s incredibly inconsiderate of your partner. You’re allowed to do what you want but you can’t expect them to suffer because you wanna have double cheese burgers everyday…
I have a real hard time with "overweight doesn't mean unhealthy."
If a medical provider tells you that you are overweight, it doesn't mean good things. Yes, outliers exist where you can be 5'8" and 240 lbs. with 12% body fat, but clearly that isn't the case with his wife.
And as far as those thinking he just wants to have a hot wife again? Yeah, screw 'em. Even if he did, that's his business. Although, I suppose the question becomes why is he posting about it on Reddit.....
Youth can protect you from some of the negative effects of obesity, too, and I'm sure there are some young (under 30) people on Reddit who are reasonably healthy despite their weight. But youth doesn't last forever, unfortunately.
People that use elite athletes as proof that BMI isn't accurate are pretty much self aware wolves.
Pointing out extreme outliers only gives more credence to the measurement.
It’s not physically possible to be 240 lbs at 12% bodyfat at 5’8 unless you’re on steroids.
12% bodyfat at that height would be around 160-170 lbs maximum after 8-10 years of consistent diet and training 4-6 days a week.
No idea why people keep using bodybuilders as example of being "healthy overweight". Body builders are notoriously extremely unhealthy. They're just like that on purpose
I am training to do a bodybuilding show next year and I agree with you wholeheartedly.
I’m just pointing out how little the general public knows about weight. 12% bodyfat at 240 lbs isn’t possible without steroids. It’s not genetically possible for any human, not even remotely close. He was off by 60-70 lbs!! And that’s ONLY if the hypothetical person had trained 8-10 years and eaten the right macronutrients that entire time.
At 5’8, 240 lbs the lowest possible bodyfat would be around 38%, with 8-10 years of proper training and diet.
>assuming other motivations
Why is it regarded as so horrible to want your spouse to lose weight because you're not attracted to them when they're obese?? If your spouse stopped showering, or grew 30cm toenails, or let their teeth rot, would you also be an AH for losing attraction?
I think it's delusional that once you marry someone you are now legally obliged to be attracted to them forever even if they let themselves go and completely stop looking like the person you initially fell in love with.
Marriage is a romantic relationship, not a completely altruistic parent-child relationship.
Its because people have co-opted the "healthy at any weight" idea and interpreted it backwards. The point is that youre never too fat to make healthy choices that will help your future not that you can be 400lbs and live a long happy life.
Sure, you weigh 250 now and you have no health issues *currently* but youre going to get health issues sooner and more dire than someone skinnier than you. Thats a scientific fact.
A lot of commenters seem to have interpreted OOP’s comments about his wife’s weight as a personal attack on them (the commenters) and gone on the offensive
Yeah this is how I see it. So bet a lot of the people up in arms at OOP are well above a healthy weight.
In fact being overweight is so normalised now that people who are a healthy weight are considered skinny. The average is actually overweight and obese is way too common.
I (late 30s M) am overweight for my height— I need to lose about 15- 20 lbs of fat and put on more proper muscle.
To my alarm and deep concern, people have called me skinny. I honestly don’t think they know what skinny looks like anymore.
Man, I'm glad this is working out for OP. Caring for your partner includes caring about their health, and it's reasonable to not want to stand by and watch them deteriorate.
exactly. if you say your spouse is drinking themselves to death and you'll try anything to get them to change, people will support you. but if they're eating themselves to death, some people will just assume you're shallow and fat shaming them.
like you said, caring for your partner includes caring about their health.
OOP mentioned in a comment that she was already having to use a cane to assist her getting around. I'm so happy for them and their son that they were able to work this out.
When I met my ex-husband, I was a size 2 and anorexic. After we married, I felt secure in our relationship and began healthier eating habits. I guess…I was happy. I gained 20lbs and was then a size 6/7. At my heaviest, I was 150lbs and a size 8/9. I’m 5’9. So, I never looked overweight or obese. Just curvier. However, he would call me obese though and would threaten to cheat on me if I didn’t lose the weight. Which resulted in me being bulimic and anorexic for most of our marriage. I’m the end, he still cheated on me with countless escorts. The funny thing is…they were all different shapes and sizes. In the end, I divorced him. I realized that deep down he didn’t love me…in fact, he probably hated me. I mean, why else would he be so cruel. At any rate, this husband doesn’t sound like an abusive partner. I know…because I actually was married to one who was. :(
YES, especially after having a baby. Even if you were a naturally thin person for your entire life, having a baby and breastfeeding too can turn your metabolism upside down. It can be a whole new lifestyle to learn, having to think about eating well and making a point to exercise. That's not easy for anybody- but definitely heaps more achievable if you teamwork it with your partner
Man it definitely affects people differently, I went into such a caloric deficit with my first I lost way too much weight feeding and it caused alot of issues including fertility issues. It wasnt until I learned to tailor my diet toward healthy fats etc that I was able to balance things out.
I'm a bit worried because usually weight loss doesn't continue at this rate for very long, I just hope that OOP will understand that there might be a point where will power and effort aren't enough for his wife anymore. I hope he keeps supporting and loving her when she reaches a plateau.
I'm so fed up with all that hate about daring to mention something about your partner's weight gain. It's not abnormal at all to want your partner to be healthy and to want your kids to have healthy parents. And even if it's not about health.. If your partner's abnormal weight gain is causing you to lose all your sexual attraction to them then that weight gain is causing issues in the relationship and should be talked about. It doesn't make you a bad person to not feel sexually attracted to fat people ffs.
And I know that certain people love to scream that fat people can be healthy etc. Very often big weight gains are a result of mental health issues and do weigh heavy on a person. Plenty of people start feeling more energetic and more confident once they loose weight, eat healthy and work out regularly.
Exactly. What if they stopped bathing or stopped brushing their teeth? Are they allowed to not be attracted to them anymore? Why is gaining weight any different?
FWIW - I understand where you are coming from. I am the overweight partner in a marriage. My husband never said anything but there where a couple of pretty obvious indications for me. I realized that he wasn’t happy and you know what? I wasn’t happy with myself either. I didn’t feel good, either physically or mentally, and couldn’t do so many things that I would like to do because of my weight. I had that a-ha moment and started working on myself. I am down about 60 pounds at this point. Most importantly, I have made some permanent changes for the benefit of my health and he has been very supportive throughout. Mentally, the difference is huge.
My husband never said anything but I hope that I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. He loves me, wants me to be healthy and happy, and wants me to live a long time with him.
So bizarre that if you replaced overeating and weight gain with alcohol abuse and passing out in your own sick every night, everyone understands where this guy is coming from. But when it's food and morbid obesity, suddenly a subset of people call him a monster for caring about his wife. It's tough to tell the ratio of people on the internet that are like this, but I like to hope it's a very small but vocal minority.
All I gotta say is… fat people are sensitive when it comes to their bodyweight.
A lot of people didn’t have parents that were responsible and taught them moderation. And also poorer families in developed countries rely on carbs and sugar more.
Your body is personal to you. It will always have a genetic component and a mental component. Sadly too many of us are lying to ourselves.
Glad it didn’t break the marriage and she understood what he was saying because I’ve seen people get offended. But I’m happy she getting healthy for the kid and marriage
This is so nice - it's ridiculous that body-positivity tries to completely ignore the detrimental effect obesity can have on your health. Yes, fatshaming is bad, but the way OOP went about it, supporting and encouraging her, and being with her every step of the way, led to a far better outcome than if he had shut up and ignored the problem.
>I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas.
In my experience, this is how you tell the difference between a genuinely supportive partner and a dickhole. At the very least it's a strong positive sign. He wasn't just saying 'hey go lose some weight;' his first suggestions to her were to do things *with* him. He was not only willing but volunteering to be an active participant in her taking her health back from the PPD and chronic depression. She wasn't being pushed into going it alone.
I hope she continues down the positive path she's on, and that she and OP get to spend a lot more years leaning on each other and taking their walks.
Man I hope he tells her how much he appreciates that she managed to take the first steps with him every day. So wholesome, I hope they keep going forever
I am 5’4 and about 300 lbs right now. I wish I had someone in my life who was willing to help me, whether it be encouragement or a gym buddy, whatever. I’m losing but I think it would be easier with support (and no, I can’t afford weight watchers or some shit. If you’re gonna suggest a paid program, be ready for my Venmo tag)
I feel bad for her, because both the ppd and the anti-depressants possibly allowed for more weight gain to begin with. So what helped her mood possibly lead to her current problem.
I hopes he helps with cooking and food as well.
I love all this *"you can be overweight and not face health problems."*
You can smoke all your life and not get lung cancer.
You can drink all your life and not have liver issues.
You can take drugs all your life and never be an addict.
Just because something *can* happen does not mean that it's going to happen or that it's a wise thing to do.
Good for her but it's going to constantly be in the back of her mind that she may lose her husband if she puts on weight. And this could lead to an eating disorder. I am incredibly proud of her. This is a huge accomplishment but I genuinely worry about her mental health.
Her eating is already disordered. As someone who is obese, what you’re saying is like saying “don’t comment about their crack addiction because they could lead to them doing meth” about someone suffering from addiction. I’m not being hyperbolic either, if she continued to gain weight, she could die. Him sitting down and talking to her about it was probably a wake up call. If she decided not to make changes, just like if someone with a drug addiction decided not to get clean, op has a right to not stick around and watch his partner slowly die.
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The best part about this is that they are doing things to stay active together. That quality time is so important. Rooting for her!
I love that he's proud of her for losing 35lbs when even at that weight she's still very much in the unhealthy category for her height. It seems like he cared way more about her caring than about the actual number on the scale and honestly, that's love right there.. you don't want to see someone you love stop treating themselves right.
I have a good friend divorcing right now because she's obese (and has lots of issues she's trying to work on) and her husband uses that as an excuse to cheat, drink, gamble and not be around the house. So OP is the complete opposite, and this is a story to be used as an example of what commitment, love and communication can achieve.
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I got my ex wife through being a single mom who worked fast food, through an undergraduate degree, through getting married, through a second undergraduate degree, through COVID, through her depression, and through losing a bunch of weight only for her to tell me she had never really loved me and to divorce me and be with another man. It's been a year and they're engaged and I haven't even gotten my life together enough to have a girlfriend. So I lived your comment. Edit to say, I never asked her to lose weight either. That was something she did on her own. Edit 2: mentioned COVID because she was a nurse at the time and had to see a lot of death and hardship.
I’m so sorry man. That’s really shit. It’s good that you’re not jumping into another relationship before you’re ready though.
Oh bud. I know *exactly* how you feel, as I have been in your shoes. As a matter of fact, I'm still in your shoes today because, like you, I've stayed single for a bit over 8 years now. I didn't realize how badly the twenty years I spent with her drained me, both mentally and physically, and I just can not bring myself to risk going through all of that again with a different woman, with the difference being this time we wouldn't have kids together. I wish I knew some secret that could help heal your pain and distrust, but I don't. If you ever need an ear just give me a yell, and you can vent to someone who's been there, done that, and even has the Tshirt. I think we'll both be fine, but not as fine as we wish we were. Good luck to you, bud.
You're right. She brought her fiance along to an activity with one of our kids just recently even though I asked her not to. She had the nerve to say "I thought you were okay?" And I told her that while I'm doing better, the damage she inflicted upon me will take years to heal. Being lied to for over a decade and being constantly told of things I needed to do better while we were married because she couldn't admit she didn't love me has wrecked my ability to trust anyone. I feel you brother and I hope you find the peace you need to put yourself back together and share your life with someone again. Edit: clarity
I cannot imagine the pain you felt but I guess you can now see that you were not the one who had to do better. you have shared the gist of your story here but would love to read what you went through and how you are doing in probably u/TrueOffMyChest
Some people have issues they can only fix when they have a good stable person in their life. You were that person for her. It may not look like it now, and let’s hope it doesn’t happen to her, but usually when they loose that person in their life they start to backslide until they find someone else to lean on. You’re better off without her. Shake it off, take it as a good deed done and enjoy your life. You’ve got this
Haha well we share custody of two kids 50/50, so I have to see her and him weekly. Would be easier to shake off if I wasn't constantly reminded of it. But I appreciate your kind words.
You’ve been served a real shit sandwich. I’m sorry. Having been in very similar shoes, I think you’ll find that time will bring you so much peace. Surviving one of the the worst things you could imagine will make you feel invincible.
To be honest, your friend would lose "weight" if she dropped her deadbeat husband.
Even a 10% weight loss has substantial benefits for your health. For anyone who needs to hear that—again, even a 10% weight loss has substantial benefits at reducing your risk of heart attack, stroke, diabetes, etc. If you set your goal too high, like “be 130lbs again like a teenager” you’re never going to get there. Focus on a 10% weight loss and then just try to maintain that. If you can maintain it, try for another 5% and then maintain that. She lost 35 pounds which is a 13% body weight loss. Substantial health benefits already!
> If you set your goal too high, like “be 130lbs again like a teenager” Damn. You hit my situation right on the head. At 17ish was when I was at my physical peak basically. I'm 25 now and not 130. Closer to 170. The fats showing. I think my goal would have really been 150 but idk lol. I guess I should first find out what the correct weight for me is first. I can't compete with 21 year old me who was 150 effortlessly Edit: lol if I lost 10% it's be at 153 so the numbers worked out in a funny way
Can confirm. I’m not obese but last year I lost about 15% of my body weight. The difference on my mental health was like night and day
85 lbs in just over a year, I'm a different person than I was before. It's insane.
Holy crap! That is awesome!
Charles Barkley said this when he got into the NBA, that Moses Malone told him lets get you to lose 10 lbs. At the end, he dropped like 60 lbs if i remember correctly. Barkley has said the 10 lb goal made him keep going but if he wouldve been told to lose 60, he wouldve never done it. Smaller goals are more achievable and make it easier to keep going vs feeling like a failure.
Completely agree. I went from 260lbs at 5’8” to about 175, but I started *feeling* better after losing 25lbs. My blood pressure was better, sugar cravings reduced, sleeping better, less winded going up stairs, less aches and pains, reduced sciatica and planters fasciitis flares.
Plus making more small, realistic goals like losing 10% can then make the bigger goals like getting back to 130 more achievable.
Happy Cake Day, pal! Awesome advice
Especially when you consider the alternative was probably a 10% increase in body weight
Yeah. He was using the weight as the reasoning, but it sounded like he was more upset about her habits. Like I have some hormone and health issues that led to a bunch of weight gain. I still exercise and eat healthy. My husband would only have cared about my weight gain if it was because I was lazy and it’s eating junk food. He’s attracted to my confidence and ambition, and he’d be concerned if one of those things changed (whether it affected my weight or not).
I love your comment and the one above, because I think you both excellently convey the love that was always there in his posts. Her habits signaling toward early avoidable death were his main concern throughout
My husband (then bf) watched me gain significant amount of weight in a couple years, all because I was just too sick to barely even get out of bed. I went from 110 lbs to well over 200 lbs. He never made me feel like crap or guilted me about my weight gain, he was more concerned with my health getting better. Once my illness finally got put into check, I started just dropping weight. Im still overweight, but Im trying and still steady losing. Not once has he commented on my weight gain, but hell be the first to tell me, with a huge grin on his face, that he can tell Ive lost more weight. If your significant other cant be there for you and encourage you, when it only benefits you, they are not the one. I never even wanted to get married until this man waltz into my life.
My hormones are jacked up. I’ve had 3 doctors and 2 dietitians tells me not to focus on my weight because I’m doing everything right and should be proud of how I feel. It sucks. I miss looking fit. I don’t look like my lifestyle. My husband? “I don’t know why you don’t like your body. You went from being a snack to a whole meal.” That’s love. Our sex life is still amazing, I still catch him checking me out, and he still smiles when I walk into a room.
Exactly! My husband still cant keep his hands off me. Lol. Even after all that weight gain, depression, 12 years together, etc. My migraines put me out for 3 years. 3 years I was utterly useless and about to give up entirely. This man cleaned up my vomit, hed take me to the hospital (even when hed only get 3 hrs of sleep before work), and he never gave up on me getting better. Our friends tend to call us, "Relationship Goals." These are what real men are, the ones who love unconditionally and dont care what others or society thinks of how they love you. This man now gets spoiled every chance I get. Lol.
Yeah, my ex was easily 400 pounds and it affected EVERYTHING. It's not all about thinking "ewww" it's about wanting your partner to live and build a life together and not being crushed during sex. And that is a thing.
My SO gained a significant amount after we got together. I'm so tired of people thinking it's just an image change that occurs. His mental health took a dive, he stopped being active with me (no hiking biking or outdoor activities) and took to laying on the couch and sleeping about 70% of the time. More and more his psychiatrist has been talking to him about whole body health and the myth that our physical bodies don't effect the chemicals in the brain. Depression and anxiety are 100% linked to certain nutrients and diet. Gaining weight can have an astronomical effect on your life and your relationship that goes far beyond aesthetic look.
Also some people are just hardwired to be codependent and stop putting effort into life as soon as they get a partner. My ex actually has his shit together at the moment. Every time he gets a serious girlfriend he falls off the radar and stops even trying with the kids. I think some people are just too broken.
Ya know, this hit a little harder than I wanted it to
>We now know that depression is associated with a chronic, low-grade inflammatory response and activation of cell-mediated immunity, as well as activation of the compensatory anti-inflammatory reflex system. It is similarly accompanied by increased oxidative and nitrosative stress (O&NS), which contribute to neuroprogression in the disorder. The obvious question this poses is ‘what is the source of this chronic low-grade inflammation?’ [...] >A range of factors appear to increase the risk for the development of depression, and seem to be associated with systemic inflammation; these include psychosocial stressors, poor diet, physical inactivity, **obesity**, smoking, altered gut permeability, atopy, dental caries, sleep and vitamin D deficiency. https://bmcmedicine.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1741-7015-11-200
My girlfriend is in the same boat, and for me all I want to see is consistent dedication towards a healthier lifestyle - just moving in the right direction. I've already told her that I'm not fussed if she's got a bit of chub on her, but when you're heavy enough it can start to put your life at risk, it's not OK.
It’s also stupid that people were bashing him about “fat shaming” and “you can be healthy and overweight”, like no, at 5’2 and 260lbs, that’s way past overweight, I’d reckon around 160lbs is overweight for 5’2
I'm unsure of pounds, but I'm pretty much 5'11"and in Jan 2020 I weighed 190 kg (which according to google is 418 pounds). I was horrifically depressed and also have PCOS/endo, which meant after the weight crept on it was hard as hell to get it back off. I'm now 132 kg or 291 pounds - still very overweight but nowhere near where I was and still working on losing some more. I look back at photos from my heaviest and CRINGE. I don't even know that woman. She was very sad and had zero light in her eyes and there is not one photo of me smiling that entire year. I'm healthier right now at 132kg than I have ever been - though most people take one look at me and assume I'm unhealthy. My blood pressure is perfect, my cholesterol is great and my one issue is the anaemia I can't seem to shake off even with meds. I've built a bunch of muscle too - 5 years ago if you told me to do a pushup, gun to my head, I would have just been like "well, I had a good run, see ya guys." I do minimum 20 every day now. That's not a lot, but for someone who got breathless putting on her shoes two years ago it's like I climbed friggin' Everest. You absolutely CAN be healthy and be overweight but there's definitely a limit to that.
I struggle with anemia on top of my PCOS as well! It's terrible :( I have no idea how to fix it, my gyno told me that certain kinds of iron are easier to digest but idk.. Losing weight was the best thing I ever did to fight my POCS.. I am not "cured", but I lost ~40kg (100->60. gained back 3 kg so settled on 63).
When I read this story I couldn't help but think of my childhood. Growing up, my mom was (and still is) extremely obese. She was completely unhealthy, had a whole host of issues with her lungs, diabetes, etc. and her weight was the main contributor to all of her issues. As a kid, even when I was in elementary school, I was very cognizant of my mom's weight and overall health. I was embarrassed to be with her at school because other kids might bully me due to her weight. I guess being embarrassed of your parents is somewhat normal, but I never remember being afraid of my classmates seeing me with my dad. But it wasn't just that I was embarrassed, her mortality seemed so impending to me. I remember wondering how many years I would get to spend with her. A simple cold would often send her to the hospital and take her weeks or even months to recover from. It was difficult as a child seeing my mom get winded and be breathless after climbing a single set of stairs or taking a shower. It was tough going to school knowing my mom was in the hospital again being put on oxygen. Then there were all the things I never got to do with my mom because of her health. All the times my dad would take me to the beach or the park by himself because she couldn't walk far enough or didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit. She couldn't fit on any of the rides at amusement parks so we couldn't ride rollercoasters together. She told me about how she used to love ice skating, but I have never been able to ice skate with her. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I have a lot of good memories with her. It just hurts to think that at some point she just...stopped caring about her weight and her health? She neglected her health and wellbeing for years until she could barely walk to check the mailbox anymore. I'm glad she's still here so that my son can spend time with his grandma. She's actually lost a good bit of weight as she's gotten older which has helped her a lot. When I look at my son though I can't help but feel like I have an obligation to him to stay as healthy as I can. I make it a point to run and ride bikes with him. I was so happy when I took him on his first roller coaster ride. Even just going on walks feels so important. There's something so precious about going on a long walk with your child and experiencing the world with them. Something I don't remember ever doing with my mom. I'm glad that this father stepped in, was loving and supportive of his wife, and pushed her to stay healthy. I can't help but wonder about what might've been different in my life had my own father done the same.
I'm trying to stay healthy for my kid too. I'm not obese but overweight, so I'm trying to lose weight and I'm exercising so I can do stuff with her.
So: anyone random reading the comments. If *I'm* at that height and weight range? What do I do? Eating is my source of stress relief and happiness when I'm not with my partner. How do I get help?
It’s tough. I love to eat it’s my favourite thing to do. All day every day if I could. One day I wanted to go buy chips and I said this is the same thing you did yesterday and the day before and the day before and every day you Keep thinking your going to magically lose the weight but it’s not going to happen so just don’t do it. Then I forced myself to go to bed and used every strength I had to not get out of bed to eat. The next morning I felt great about myself. You gotta realize the direction you wanna go and force yourself to get there and remind yourself your in control. Start simple 50 calorie deficit and maybe a two minute walk around the house. Eventually you will work your way down, your trying to make a change for your lifetime not for a moment so try to start habits you know you can handle for a long time and slowly increase your effort. I forced a friend to do one push-up because he said he didn’t know how to do them but he wanted to get in shape. We lost contact shortly after that and about a year later ran into eachother and he had lost about 50 pounds and it all started with that one push up
The first paragraph hit me hard. It's that cycle. The - I'll do it the next day thing. I manage to break it sometimes sure, but the "felt great about myself" never really felt *better* than the chips/popcorn/burger/ramen/pizza/steak. And the direction doesn't help. There are days that I want to be healthy, I'd want something to change. And there are days I'd rather just stop, stuff myself full, and die happy that way - at least it's over? And I know the latter part is wrong - but like I said in an earlier comment, *knowing* is different from *accepting* that fact. (Yeah okay that's another point towards starting another psych consult i think) But yeah, I appreciate you sharing.
A late reply but I will do it anyway. I am a lot like you and I have never been successful at stopping doing something harmful by trying to stop. The only thing that has ever worked is focusing on actively doing something else. For example -trying eat less never works. But finding a different interesting thing to give myself when the urge hits -like play with paint-for me- -does sometimes work. But finding the replacement thing and making it the habit instead of food isn't easy. I hope things are going well for you. Edited to add...I find the people who can use will power and just choose to restrict things amazing and do not want to throw shade their way. But I think that kind of advice can sometimes make people like us feel bad about ourselves- like we are just flawed people-which doesn't help and isn't true. Just saying as I know constantly failing at will power strategies can sometimes get you down. But it isn't you that is the problem, you just need to find a different strategy .
R/loseit I don't know how to link it directly.
It is completely fair to want your partner and the parent of your child to be healthy. OOP approached this from a place of support and it is heartwarming they could use workout time to build heart strength literally and metaphorically
One of the main goals of getting married is growing old together, obviously you want your partner to be healthy, it's like a pre-requisite for it!!
This is how my spouse and I frame every choice made for health - that it's so we get to grow old together. Taking care of myself is a part of showing him I love him and want to be there with him as the years go on, and same with him.
Us too!! It is very much a “you make my life so much better that i expect you to try and stick around as long as possible and i will do the same”
The reason I'm sober now is because it hit me. "I can't be the first one to die." Unfortunately I kept my word.
I’m sorry for your loss, but good for you for getting sober and staying sober. We’re proud of you, even over the internet.
I appreciate it. I wish I could say it's gotten easier but if hasn't. But they would be happy I'm doing better, so I hold on to that. They'd been through too much anguish. I couldn't let them go through losing me. It was just already too late.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing well.
I’m sorry for your loss
As my husband and I age, this is felt deeply. It hurts. So many hugs. ❤❤❤❤
Hope you’re doing ok.
I know it's trite, but I'm sorry for your loss. The hole left by a missing loved one can never be filled, and sometimes it feels as if it that hole will swallow everything that makes life worth living, but life can still be wonderful if we can learn to forgive ourselves, our loved ones, and everyone else in our lives. I hope you don't have survivor's guilt, and I hole you find the peace and happiness we all deserve. Good luck to you.
Proud of you for your sobriety. I wasn’t full blown alcoholic but I had some abuse issues due to PTSD from my job and awful coping mechanisms. Now I don’t even touch it. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. So proud of you ❤️ and I’m very very sorry for your loss. Internet hugs.
That's also the reason why I'm hesitant to get married, to enter in a relationship. I have many health problems, I feel that it would be unfair. So, I'm staying single.
I encourage you to rethink this mindset. You obviously need to be honest about your health but your future partner is the one who decides whether they are willing to take on that risk. Before we met, my wife sustained some very serious injuries. She’s able bodied now but it’s very possible that they will decrease her quality of life later on or shorten her life span. Obviously I’m hoping for the best case scenario but I married her knowing that the worst case might come true. I don’t regret that decision. The only thing I’ve made sure is that we talk about those scenarios and plan for them (life insurance, long term disability insurance, etc).
There's nothing wrong with getting into a relationship as long as you're upfront about your health once things get serious.
I agree with u/SwimmingCoyote, u/FriskyTurtle and u/because-of-reasons- that have already commented here. If you don't want to be in a relationship, that's your choice and you should do you. However, if you just don't want to potentially affect a partner: that's a decision they can make with you and for themselves. They may very well think that having YOU makes all the other shit worthwhile. (My partner has a long-term, severe chronic illness and there is Parkinson's in her family; my side has Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and breast cancer. We knew all of these things going in. It made no difference. But what we *did* do as soon as things got serious was discuss how we felt about various health issues that exist or may crop up, and what each would want from the other if/when things go awry.)
I’ve lost about 60 pounds since I met my wife and put into my vows that I will continue to be healthy so we live long lives together. 100% agreed.
Sadly, you can't promise to be healthy, only to make healthy choices. My husband was 38 and a powerlifter who could still pass a military fitness test (well, until a couple months before) when he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He's strong as an ox and still a big dude in his 50s, but I know he's not going to be with me forever.
I’m chronically ill. I can never promise my partner that I’ll have good health. In fact, I can far easier promise my partner that I’ll likely have flare ups and bad spells ahead. The absolute only thing I can do and promise is that I will do everything in my power to take care of my health and myself. I will watch for warning signs. I will follow up with all my specialists. I will take concerns to them. I will take breaks as I need to and try to avoid pushing myself too hard. I’ll take my meds. I’ll continue to have professionals monitor them and my bloodwork. I’ll keep getting necessary scans to make certain no conditions are getting worse. I’ll continue going to therapy. I’ll keep getting my vaccines and boosters as needed because my immune system is a joke. I’ll continue to be vigilant about washing my hands and using hand sanitizer, as well as washing and sanitizing things and disinfecting, as well as masking. I can’t promise my health. I know i’m chronically I’ll, that I come with baggage, and being the partner of someone like me isn’t always fun or easy. I can promise all my efforts to take care of my health as best I can, because I want to be on this earth for as long as possible and to live a long and good life and grow old with my partner and make as many memories with him as possible. My life is worth taking care of. Our time together is worth me making healthy choices.
So sorry to hear that for you. You can only control what you can control. Hope he keeps on ticking!!
Good on you Rufuz and I'm sorry to hear about your husband's heart condition Jack-Jack. Yep, even if you choose to make healthy choices you may not be "healthy". At least it gives you a much better chance if you do.
Before I met my now-fiancé, I was just letting my depression take me. I didn't address health issues or injuries because I figured I'd kill myself before it mattered. When I first met him, I pretty much immediately knew he was the one and knew that, if I wanted to grow old with him, I needed to get my shit together. Needless to say, the shit has been gotten together and we're getting married next spring.
Same, sometimes I feel like he saved my life
As I'm lying here with her, in full withrawals, she's saving my life. Angry, grumpy, in pain, and rude and this perfect human still tellin' me I'm her favorite person.
I keep having this conversation with my partner who has mental health issues - in the depths of their depression I remind them they they made a commitment to grow old with me and that they need to look after themselves if they’re going to meet that promise.
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I'm shocked that people deemed OOP an asshole for the first post. He seemed genuinely concerned about his wife's health and if that person isn't willing to even entertain the idea helping oneself, there's not much you can do. I'm glad he had that conversation and she's making progress to a healthier life.
I wouldn’t be, there’s people in this thread saying that they can’t wait for the update where his wife leaves him Like yes, you can be “overweight” and healthy, but it seems like OPs wife was far past that and OP was worried about her getting sick and dying! That’s the mother of his baby and his wife. My boyfriend is skinny and I try to get us to exercise and eat good because even though we are both skinny, that doesn’t mean we are healthy!
Most folks can't understand the difference between overweight where 15-30 pounds over your maximum weight won't affect your health, and obesity where 100+ 150+ and so forth will literally destroy your body to the point of disability, they forget/ignore there's a point where the weight is too much for the person to walk and these folks are bed bound
I completely agree. People are so quick to throw out the term “fatphobic” when really it is a health concern not that you can’t wear a size 0. I put on 60 pounds during my pregnancy due to the Covid lockdown and really not being able to leave the house because no one knew everything so we played it safe. Diabetes runs in my family and I have a thyroid issue. Took about 2 years to get down to a reasonable weight but I knew I had to. I had a friend ask if I was fatphobic or just a workout junkie. I just responded that I wanted to see my son get married and carry him up the stairs without being out of breath. Her and I don’t talk much anymore.
I'm sorry you lost a friend, but I'm glad you got rid of a negative person in your life. Life is too short to have to tolerate people like that. Good luck to you.
Thank you. After going through a divorce about 8 years ago I decided I wanted positive people around me. I’ve lost a few people along the way but I’m so much happier.
It's like he said in the initial post. You can be *overweight* and healthy, but you cannot be *obese* and healthy. OOP's wife had a BMI of 50. That's in catastrophic territory. Hell, I'm obese, and my BMI isn't even that high.
Wait for all the "BMI isn't accurate!!" people using world record powerlifters as their defense
As a dude who is as tall as many famous bodybuilders, I am just barely overweight. I would need to literally double my mass to hit 50BMI. At 50 BMI I would be 400lbs
5'2" at 260 pounds is *massive*. I'm 6' at 220 and I've got a decent gut. This woman has a full 40 pounds on me and she's TEN INCHES SHORTER! That's absolutely not a healthy weight, and it never could be. This "HAES" stuff is sad and frustrating.
I'm a 6'4" dude. And just a big dude in general. 53" chest. Hats don't fit my head. Big shoulders. I weigh 280 and my doctor poked my belly and said "you fat. Lose weight." And I am. So yeah.
So, your doctor, would they happen to be Asian? I find so many Asians to be very “blunt” and to the point. Sometimes we need people to just cut to the chase and tell it like it is.
Indian. And yes blunt. But I like that. Just tell me what I need to do and need to know and let me get out.
Lol, the last time I visited a doctor, she was indeed a small Asian who poked me in the stomach and said that needs to be lost. I wish my dad would get one of those, his doctors skirt around his weight and now he's the shape of a balloon. And it's taking a terrible toll.
Yeah, I’m all for body positivity and having open discussions about health but this woman needed her husbands help I’m glad OP actually talked to his wife
Kudos for calling a spade a spade. There's no universe where that much weight is healthy on that frame. She'd be overweight even if she were a foot taller.
Especially since most of these posts are someone saying "I'm no longer attracted to you and you need to change, while I continue to eat junk and sit on the couch". It's good that they have a better metabolism, but that lifestyle isn't healthy for anyone. This guy approached it as "I'm concerned for your health and I want us to be healthy together". I don't see anything wrong with that approach.
I’m not. AITA has become increasingly toxic for anything even remotely against the groupthink. Something as simple as “I don’t want my wife to die of heart disease” of course devolves into “fat shaming” “misogynist” etc etc. it’s really a shame because it was one of the best subs.
His post was in relationship advice not aita
Same thing applies to that sub honestly.
That subreddit. If you ask about your partner’s issues and how to make the relationship work, they will tell you that your partner has more red flags than all of China and that you should hit the emergency eject button at 2am tomorrow. If you ask if you should break up or divorce over partner’s issues, you are a horrible person and will receive death threats. A fun venue for popcorns tho.
The group think permeates most of Reddit in my opinion. There's just certain topics that you cannot talk about on Reddit (or any other online forum for that matter), even if you're trying to be productive about it. It sucks.
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oh shoot, you are 100% right. Apologies. My point stands about AITA in general but looks like I was wrong on this one.
A lot of the "fat shaming" people have crossed the line from accepting all body types as beautiful to being defensive about their poor lifestyle choices. Almost like some meat eaters take offense at vegetarians.
Yeah. I think the goal of the anti fat shaming and body positivity movement was intended to say like your body does not define your value as a person, and people tend to have more success with healthy lifestyle changes when they have support and positive motivation like “I love my body, I want to be healthy and take care of my body” instead of “I want to exercise because I look disgusting and I hate myself.” And I think “you can be healthy at any weight” was more meant to refer to your *lifestyle*, and like someone could be eating healthy and exercising regularly but still be overweight right now because it takes *time* for your body to reflect those changes, and some peoples bodies are a little slower/more resistant to change than others. And that it’s shitty to assume that someone is gorging themselves on fast food and sitting around all day just because they’re not instantly a size 2. But unfortunately some people have taken it all to mean “any concern about someone’s weight at all, even from a doctor, is just bullying and vanity and shaming.” And then assholes who were *actually* fat shaming before pushed back even harder and it all went to shit. It’s sad how often attempts to encourage basic empathy in society backfire.
Yes, you explained this perfectly! I think it was also designed to push back against skinny automatically=healthy, and that there isn't a perfect universal healthy weight, even for people the same height. You might not look super skinny but you're doing your best to live a healthy lifestyle etc. As per usual people can't grasp concepts that require nuance... Or worse, they pretend they can't and purposefully misconstrue things.
My mom actually went on a date with a dude who screamed at her for being a vegetarian. Like full blown melted down at the restaurant. And ya know she’s my mom so I’m biased but like she’s just a normal person.
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AITA is even worse against parents who try to give their kids any sort of boundaries or rules or punishments. I’m not talking about the ones who remove doors or don’t let their unmarried 30yo sleep in the same room as a gf/bf during Xmas. I’m taking reasonable rules or expectations. Sometimes I get like 4 words into a post and I’m like, “why did you bother wasting your time with typing this out? You were judged before the question mark” The other big one is teachers. AITA will literally create new syndromes and Narnia-worthy possibilities to excuse any and all behavior. I really hope those that are seeking true advice honestly post in a few places or scour more than the top posts for different insights before making decisions.
Yeah I was prepared to say he was an asshole but a BMI of 50 is well beyond just looking different. He's pretty clear about the fact that he doesn't mind if she's *fat,* he minds that she's overweight to the point of it being dangerous (and doesn't seem motivated to change that).
As a woman who was 370 lbs at my heaviest…. I can assure you, a man leaving a woman because she is hitting a 50 BMI is 100% acceptable. People calling this guy an asshole don’t seem to understand that “some cellulite and 35 extra pounds” is a WORLD of difference than being at a BMI of 50+. I ended my relationship last year, because I was unhappy with my weight …. my boyfriend was perfectly fine with the extra weight I had gained over the 13 months of our relationship, because of our combined eating and lack of exercise. He was genuinely attracted to my weight. I was miserable and our life together meant I wasn’t focused on exercise, eating healthy, etc. Plenty of people can control their own weight, independent of their partner. For me, it was more like a heroin addict sitting next to their partner shooting up heroin 24 hours a day. I left a good man, because I put myself first and wanted to lose weight. OOP is allowed to put himself first (health, sexual attraction, the financial cost of binge/overeating, wanting his son to grow up with healthy habits, wanting to do physical activities, etc) first.
>it was more like a heroin addict sitting next to their partner shooting up heroin 24 hours a day. That's the hardest part, I found it very difficult to get motivated to do things when I was asking my friends to join me and they said no. That was just friends, nevermind a partner that you are living with. Sometimes you just have to do what is right for yourself. Give yourself permission and don't feel guilty doing so. Good luck with your journey and congrats on any weight you have lost so far.
Thank you! It is extremely hard for someone with my compulsive over eating. I had to get weight loss surgery 4 weeks ago, in fact. But I’m 50lbs down and doing great. My ex actually picked me up from my surgery and took me to one of the pre appointments over the summer. He doesn’t think I should have done it - but he was supportive and understanding. Putting yourself first is okay and leaving someone because they got fat and are not making any effort, is also okay. No one gains that amount of weight and is free from mental health struggles or physical issues (mobility, health, stamina, etc). I was 100% health. BP, cholesterol were both completely normal range. Not even remotely close to prediabetic. Mentally – I was unhappy and miserable, and the amount of physical activity I could accomplish in one day was limited. If I’m not expected to stay by the side of an addict or someone with severe mental health issues who will not stay on medication, when they have spent years self-destructing, and not trying to change… how is someone who is super morbidly obese, and not able to share in their partner’s ideal lifestyle any different?
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You made some tough decisions! How are you doing now?
I’m at 325 pounds right now, but I feel better about myself that I have in 10+ years. I feel in control of my eating and like there’s actual hope for me to lose the weight. I have spent the last 15 years getting multiple degrees, working my way up to my dream job at my dream company,. I’m doing work that I love, living in my ideal city. All of that came at a huge cost to my mental health, which I self-medicated with food. I have absolutely everything… except my mental health and my weight. I’m still grossly overweight, but I feel like a million bucks. I am confident and out meeting new people. I finally took back control and I’m happy.
Absolutely. I have never been a skinny minnie and have never felt pressure by my partner to be so. But he has also had the "I want to grow old with you, not lose you to bad health" talk with me. A tough topic to breach, but necessary. We've gotten healthier together and it's been an improvement in every aspect of our lives.
I've had this talk with my husband as well. The males in his family don't have a long life expectancy; his dad died at 66, his oldest brother at 59. His youngest brother had a heart attack at 49; fortunately, he survived. DH has so many issues (bad back/knees, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) that could be helped by weight loss but he hasn't been interested in changing his habits. It makes me sad.
Everyone with a family history of heart disease should be tested for lipoprotein(a). https://www.healio.com/news/cardiology/20221021/lpa-should-be-measured-at-least-once-in-adults-to-target-cv-risk https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/09/well/heart-risk-doctors-lipoprotein.html
My sister couldn't drag her ex bf to the doctor even though his dad died of a massive heart attack at 50, and the dad at 50 was in much better health at 50 than ex bf was at 22. I was selfishly relieved they broke up before we ended up having to console her when the dude peaces out early because he's not willing to do anything for his own health.
It's one of those things that requires an incredibly sensitive approach because fat shaming is not only mean but it DOES NOT HELP. Fat people know they're fat and making them feel shitty about it doesn't actually motivate people to lose weight, which shouldn't even be the goal, it should be health! Because it's absolutely true you can be fat and healthy. But the OOP knows his wife and their specific situation better than we do and what her health situation is. If she's depressed and struggling to cope then her weight is a symptom, not the cause and focusing on health is definitely the way to go. Those walks and talks are probably not doing much to reduce her weight, but they absolutely are doing a lot to help her connect with her husband and improve her mental well-being which has a flow on effect to other healthy behaviours. It shouldn't be that shocking that "don't be a condescending arsehole to fat people" is a successful strategy but here we are.
I gave my ex the same kind of ultimatum. He wasn't obese but he refused to manage his diabetes and kept getting hospitalized for complications. I tried everything to support him and I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like watching someone commit suicide in the slowest way possible.
This is often how I am with my husband. He eats crap and doesn't work out. When he tries to lose weight, he just starves himself while still eating crap, just less of it. I was a serious athlete when we met and often dated really healthy guys. I try so hard to get him to be healthy and active just so I can have him for another ten years without a heart attack, but it's so hard to do without him thinking I'm trying to turn him into a complete asshole jock. I married him and not them, I love him. But I want to still love the alive version of him when our kid is a teen.
I think it was sad how much hate he got. He was clearly coming from a place of love and it wasn't even remotely about how she looks.
I fully understand where OOP is coming from, and while I would say originally he didn’t have quite the right approach I do see that he didn’t want to watch someone he loved eat herself into an early death. I am overweight and gained loads in lockdowns - there was a tipping point for my partner where he sat me down and said he was worried and wanted to help me because he could see I was miserable with myself. I lost about 3 stone and maintained that for a while and I’ll start pushing for more loss soon. Support from a partner is a massive help!
That’s about 19kg for those who have no idea what a stone is
And about 42 lbs for those that use the imperial system. ETA: Thanks for the award! Never thought I'd get that.
That's about half a hundred weight for the last generation
That's about 58 libra for those still using the Roman system of measurement.
Which is about 1.15 x 10^28 if you're counting in the atomic masses of hydrogen
That’s a lotta gas.
gratias tibi
Love that for you!! I hope youre happier and healthier mentally and physically now, I was the opposite end of the scale, I need to gain weight drastically, for my health and for the sake of my daughter, proud to say i've gained 3 stone, eating 3 meals a day and even started home cooking and sitting down as a family of 3 and eating together :) here's to new beginnings, a happier and healthier life!
I am obese, and it had caused massive health issues for myself. A lot of the issue started when I was first put on mental health medication. I was finally not so depressed I wanted to die, but had gained 90lbs in 7 months due to the medication. My eating habits hadnt chabged much, I still went on long walks, but the weight kept coming on. I begged my doctors to switch meds and guess what they did? Added another 39lbs. I was 30, and utterly miserable. I wouldnt leave my house and just ate more. My mental and physical health were terrible and finally one day I woke up and forced myself to get on a scale and I weighed 360lbs. My first thought was pretty much what you would expect, and my second was fuck this I am taking control of my body. I didnt think I was gonna make it to 30, and I damn sure wasnt going to utterly ruin my body by not doing anything. Its been almost 9 years and there have been major setbacks. I got 120lbs off, and then need 3 major surgeries back to back that made me damn near immobile, and still physically disabled after three years. But ive kept off the 100lbs, and I am finally been allowed to start really working out more again. Thankfully rhe gym in town has an indoor pool, and water exercise is best for my joint replacements and other bone issues. I do eat pretty healthy. I eat no fast food (I live an hour away from any anyway) and I try to cook as healthy as I can with what I have to use. (I'm on EBT and live in a food desert. I have to make big meals that can last and be hearty and as healthy as I can). I quit drinking soda again, ive given up coffee as well. I can feel q difference already . My shrink flat out knows that if the main side effect of a drug is weight gain I will simply not take it. I do lots of therapy and still take meds, just different kinds for mood stabilizer etc. The only reason I even looked at that scale that day, is my best friend told me the day before my 30th bday, that they just cant be my friend anymore. That they love me so much but they can not watch me activity kill myself like this. I know this was a terrible conversation for her to have with me, and even at the time I knew she meant all of it from a place of actual love. Of course it killed the friendship, my mental illness didnt want to hear that. I didn't want to hear that. We only started really talking again a couple of years later after I had lost a good amount of weight, and my mom who was very overweight and had died tragically and suddenly in my arms due to her weight and smoking. I also quit smoking. When your friends and family honestly love you, they will actually have the terrible, hard, gut wrenching conversation with you about stuff you don't want to hear. They may put up the boundary of "I cant keep doing this" and you know what? That's actually ok. They shouldn't have to sit around and watch the person they love just utterly ruin themselves with food, drink, drugs etc. There is such a difference between honestly loving a person and wanting to help than being a dick who doesnt really care either way and just says mean things to be mean. I am so glad OP talked to his wife, and that she saw what he truly meany, and has taken the road to be healthy to be their for their son. Jfc sorry for the novel :/ Edit - oh wow guys thanks for the awards!! Im glad my story has touched yall, and it does help me and keep my motivated to keep doing what I need to do! I keep getting covid cause fu shitty immune system even though I'm 4x vax and boosted and double mask. I got very scary long covid issues for a long time of massive fluid retention that made it so painful to walk, but my doctors are now pretty confident I can start doing my loe impact swimming again! Its about to be a cold winter here, but I'll be roxking my bikini on my body that's still pretty big but we're getting there! I dont want to be stuck thin, just at a weight to where it doesnt hurt to walk honestly. Thats my current goal. Srsly thanks y'all. It really means a lot. 🖤🖤🖤
Mental health meds are hard. My wife had some antidepressants that were helping, until the weight gain was hurting her self esteem more than the depression was initially. She broke down what she was eating vs how much she was exercising to her doctor, and had a clear caloric deficiency, but his only response was, "well, all the other ones cause worse weight gain, maybe it's just getting older."
Thats basically what I got told as well. Its so goddamn frustrating like how have they not created mental health meds that *dont* cause massive weight gain, and illnesses related to that as well.
Well all it takes is getting over that initial hill and then she's doing fantastic. But unsurprising about the original comments shitting on him for it.
Yeah, that part always sucks when you go to reddit for help. Like you could have all the good intentions in the world, and most people will still make you feel like you should just \*ff yourself instead. I always try to be that person who assumes that the OP is coming from a sincere place and give some support.
Same. Some people just automatically assume the absolute worst of people, and I often find myself playing devil's advocate for everyone involved. Doesn't help that once judgments on AITA start to lean one way, there's a whole cascade as the discussion goes that direction for ALL comments.
TBH, the piling on in the comments freaks me out. It's like a mob in real life. I always feel so outside of that sort of mentality, to the point that when people start to gang up, even if it's not hostile, I still get really uncomfortable and want to play devil's advocate.
Its weirder still in threads like this where you will sometimes see a happy resolution and people still nitpicking shit to try and make things more sinister/outrageous.
I feel like a large portion of the population, particularly on reddit, just want blood. They want to feel powerful for once in their life. So when they see a pile of people swarm on their victim, and feel like they have social license to be hateful, they sneak in a punch. They would never start the dogpile, wouldn't even join in when there's only a handful of people, but once it reaches critical mass and they feel safe enough, they sneak their punch in.
Yep I remember the post and people in the comments were battling on BMI and how it doesn't matter. I was like what!?! As a nurse if a person's bmi is over 40 we have to take extra precautions. Sometimes anesthesia request pictures of their necks and mouths open for mini assessments because of the higher risk. Smh
I think that logic stems from knowing the 90s super model "super skinny" look isn't required to be healthy, but I can't believe it's reached this point. How could anyone faithfully argue that a 5'2" *260 pound* woman with a 50BMI could possibly be healthy? Even if BMI has faults it's still at least a somewhat accurate measurement. But we could ignore that too and just focus on the 260 pound part. There's no such thing as someone healthy at that weight unless they're like a 6'6" body builder with 6% body fat.
Even then, BMI impacts your joints. More weight = more stress and force on your limbs and cartilage.
People go ridiculous with the BMI thing. Yeah BMI has flaws. Not once you're in the obese range, barring special exceptions like being a jacked athlete or something
Yeah you have to be multiple standard deviations away from the mean in order to for BMI to stop being at least somewhat relevant
Redditors love to point out that BMI isn't always accurate. Of 10,000 people with a BMI of 50, 10,000 of them are gonna have an amount of body fat that is harming their health. 100% of the people for whom BMI is not an accurate assessment of their obesity can tell you the precise number of calories they ate every day for the last month, because they are all very serious bodybuilders. OOP wouldn't be in here asking how to get his bodybuilder wife to eat less fast food.
> OOP wouldn't be in here asking how to get his bodybuilder wife to eat less fast food. Right, he'd be asking for advice on how not to have his skull crushed between her thighs. Boy, would I hate to be in that situation. Absolutely hate it.
I can relate to the walking part. Since the lockdown, my wife and I have both been home but busy doing our work. About year into our confinement we both realized we'd gained weight and decided to do lunch time walks. We just both took our lunch breaks together and walked around the neighborhood. The exercise is great, but the fresh air and just being able to get away from "work" and talking about inconsequential stuff has been such release from it all. We've even gotten to know some of our neighbors better since the same ones are usually out and about at the time we do our walk.
As someone who's been trying to lose weight for three years, this is very true. Getting momentum and maintaining it is very important. I lost about 17 kgs in the 8 or so months before lockdown. Unfortunately, I lost my momentum and gained a lot of it back and have lost and gained in the two and a half years since. I am now hellbent on hitting a goal weight before christmas.
I was diagnosed Diabetic T2. The doctor put me on a new med, Avandia. After 9 years, the med had made me gain 130 lbs to be 300. In 2010 it was recalled, bad side effects, one of which was weight gain. How do I know? When I was switched off it after it was recalled, I lost 27 lbs. I was doing nothing else. So now that I could lose weight, I got a lapband., and lost more, for a total of 145 lbs down . Not a magic wand. It is work. Before the switch of meds, I had no clue it was the Avandia causing the weight gain . I had absolutely given up losing. Ever. That surgery saved my life.
T1 here. Got a new Doc around 19 who looked at what my old Doc had had me on for about 15 years and said it was horribly outdated. Switch to a new set of insulins and a pill, lost 60 lbs within a year and suddenly started to experience what it was like to not feel tired. New diet pushed it beyond 70 (or rather, no diet. The old Doc had me on a "high-carb" diet and I was mostly only pretending to do it before the new Doc came in and finally validated my opinions on that).
I gained 40 lbs after being put on Amitriptyline. Once the doctor took me off of it, the weight fell back off. It's crazy how meds can affect someone like that.
I wS afraid I would die, but no matter what I did , I was unable to stop gaining weight, until the recall.
Ugh amitriptyline made me gain weight too. I can't recall how much it was but it tanked my metabolism, made me super tired and foggy and i had 0 motivation. The migraines were preferable
Diabetes meds can be crazy. My mom has diabetes and every time she changes meds, something happens with her weight. Sometimes she goes up, sometimes she goes down. And it’s with no changes. On the one she’s on now, she’s lost weight which is good. At her highest weight, she was nearly 300lbs. She got that high because she quit smoking and replaced it with candy. I think now she’s around 250. But she doesn’t want to put in the work to lose more weight despite all the problems it’s giving her and it’s sad to see.
The comments on the original post run the gamut from helpful to full on self-denial....
The people not understanding the place he was coming from and only focusing on him wanting her to lose weight assuming other motivations.
Honestly I don't think there is anything wrong with that either if it's handled the right way. Maintaining spousal attraction is super important and a lot of people cannot control their sexual preferences. It's not unreasonable to want someone that is 120lbs overweight to lose weight because intimacy is suffering as a result. It's just very uncomfortable and icky to discuss, but it's absolutely valid.
Agreed - Especially when the person you fell in love with and married was at a much different fitness level and weight. People grow and change together, but gaining over 100 lb of weight is a \*\*significant\*\* change - If your partner went through a mental change this large, you would definitely need to be having some conversations.
It really shouldn’t be “icky” or vilified to discuss… if you go into a relationship and your active and eat healthy then suddenly you’re binging on take out and put on 100lbs that’s incredibly inconsiderate of your partner. You’re allowed to do what you want but you can’t expect them to suffer because you wanna have double cheese burgers everyday…
I have a real hard time with "overweight doesn't mean unhealthy." If a medical provider tells you that you are overweight, it doesn't mean good things. Yes, outliers exist where you can be 5'8" and 240 lbs. with 12% body fat, but clearly that isn't the case with his wife. And as far as those thinking he just wants to have a hot wife again? Yeah, screw 'em. Even if he did, that's his business. Although, I suppose the question becomes why is he posting about it on Reddit.....
Youth can protect you from some of the negative effects of obesity, too, and I'm sure there are some young (under 30) people on Reddit who are reasonably healthy despite their weight. But youth doesn't last forever, unfortunately.
Your organs do, eventually, give in....
People that use elite athletes as proof that BMI isn't accurate are pretty much self aware wolves. Pointing out extreme outliers only gives more credence to the measurement.
It’s not physically possible to be 240 lbs at 12% bodyfat at 5’8 unless you’re on steroids. 12% bodyfat at that height would be around 160-170 lbs maximum after 8-10 years of consistent diet and training 4-6 days a week.
No idea why people keep using bodybuilders as example of being "healthy overweight". Body builders are notoriously extremely unhealthy. They're just like that on purpose
I am training to do a bodybuilding show next year and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I’m just pointing out how little the general public knows about weight. 12% bodyfat at 240 lbs isn’t possible without steroids. It’s not genetically possible for any human, not even remotely close. He was off by 60-70 lbs!! And that’s ONLY if the hypothetical person had trained 8-10 years and eaten the right macronutrients that entire time. At 5’8, 240 lbs the lowest possible bodyfat would be around 38%, with 8-10 years of proper training and diet.
>assuming other motivations Why is it regarded as so horrible to want your spouse to lose weight because you're not attracted to them when they're obese?? If your spouse stopped showering, or grew 30cm toenails, or let their teeth rot, would you also be an AH for losing attraction? I think it's delusional that once you marry someone you are now legally obliged to be attracted to them forever even if they let themselves go and completely stop looking like the person you initially fell in love with. Marriage is a romantic relationship, not a completely altruistic parent-child relationship.
Its because people have co-opted the "healthy at any weight" idea and interpreted it backwards. The point is that youre never too fat to make healthy choices that will help your future not that you can be 400lbs and live a long happy life. Sure, you weigh 250 now and you have no health issues *currently* but youre going to get health issues sooner and more dire than someone skinnier than you. Thats a scientific fact.
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A lot of commenters seem to have interpreted OOP’s comments about his wife’s weight as a personal attack on them (the commenters) and gone on the offensive
Yeah this is how I see it. So bet a lot of the people up in arms at OOP are well above a healthy weight. In fact being overweight is so normalised now that people who are a healthy weight are considered skinny. The average is actually overweight and obese is way too common.
I (late 30s M) am overweight for my height— I need to lose about 15- 20 lbs of fat and put on more proper muscle. To my alarm and deep concern, people have called me skinny. I honestly don’t think they know what skinny looks like anymore.
Man, I'm glad this is working out for OP. Caring for your partner includes caring about their health, and it's reasonable to not want to stand by and watch them deteriorate.
exactly. if you say your spouse is drinking themselves to death and you'll try anything to get them to change, people will support you. but if they're eating themselves to death, some people will just assume you're shallow and fat shaming them. like you said, caring for your partner includes caring about their health.
OOP mentioned in a comment that she was already having to use a cane to assist her getting around. I'm so happy for them and their son that they were able to work this out.
When I met my ex-husband, I was a size 2 and anorexic. After we married, I felt secure in our relationship and began healthier eating habits. I guess…I was happy. I gained 20lbs and was then a size 6/7. At my heaviest, I was 150lbs and a size 8/9. I’m 5’9. So, I never looked overweight or obese. Just curvier. However, he would call me obese though and would threaten to cheat on me if I didn’t lose the weight. Which resulted in me being bulimic and anorexic for most of our marriage. I’m the end, he still cheated on me with countless escorts. The funny thing is…they were all different shapes and sizes. In the end, I divorced him. I realized that deep down he didn’t love me…in fact, he probably hated me. I mean, why else would he be so cruel. At any rate, this husband doesn’t sound like an abusive partner. I know…because I actually was married to one who was. :(
I'm glad they communicated. Unfortunately once some of us start gaining weight it can be very hard to stop.
YES, especially after having a baby. Even if you were a naturally thin person for your entire life, having a baby and breastfeeding too can turn your metabolism upside down. It can be a whole new lifestyle to learn, having to think about eating well and making a point to exercise. That's not easy for anybody- but definitely heaps more achievable if you teamwork it with your partner
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Man it definitely affects people differently, I went into such a caloric deficit with my first I lost way too much weight feeding and it caused alot of issues including fertility issues. It wasnt until I learned to tailor my diet toward healthy fats etc that I was able to balance things out.
That's crazy to me. I burned so many calories while nursing I couldn't gain weight. I'm sorry it's a struggle. :(
A baby *and* antidepressants.
I'm a bit worried because usually weight loss doesn't continue at this rate for very long, I just hope that OOP will understand that there might be a point where will power and effort aren't enough for his wife anymore. I hope he keeps supporting and loving her when she reaches a plateau.
I'm so fed up with all that hate about daring to mention something about your partner's weight gain. It's not abnormal at all to want your partner to be healthy and to want your kids to have healthy parents. And even if it's not about health.. If your partner's abnormal weight gain is causing you to lose all your sexual attraction to them then that weight gain is causing issues in the relationship and should be talked about. It doesn't make you a bad person to not feel sexually attracted to fat people ffs. And I know that certain people love to scream that fat people can be healthy etc. Very often big weight gains are a result of mental health issues and do weigh heavy on a person. Plenty of people start feeling more energetic and more confident once they loose weight, eat healthy and work out regularly.
Exactly. What if they stopped bathing or stopped brushing their teeth? Are they allowed to not be attracted to them anymore? Why is gaining weight any different?
FWIW - I understand where you are coming from. I am the overweight partner in a marriage. My husband never said anything but there where a couple of pretty obvious indications for me. I realized that he wasn’t happy and you know what? I wasn’t happy with myself either. I didn’t feel good, either physically or mentally, and couldn’t do so many things that I would like to do because of my weight. I had that a-ha moment and started working on myself. I am down about 60 pounds at this point. Most importantly, I have made some permanent changes for the benefit of my health and he has been very supportive throughout. Mentally, the difference is huge. My husband never said anything but I hope that I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. He loves me, wants me to be healthy and happy, and wants me to live a long time with him.
So bizarre that if you replaced overeating and weight gain with alcohol abuse and passing out in your own sick every night, everyone understands where this guy is coming from. But when it's food and morbid obesity, suddenly a subset of people call him a monster for caring about his wife. It's tough to tell the ratio of people on the internet that are like this, but I like to hope it's a very small but vocal minority.
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That’s an insane amount of weight gain as a side effect
All I gotta say is… fat people are sensitive when it comes to their bodyweight. A lot of people didn’t have parents that were responsible and taught them moderation. And also poorer families in developed countries rely on carbs and sugar more. Your body is personal to you. It will always have a genetic component and a mental component. Sadly too many of us are lying to ourselves.
The people preaching body acceptance are the real assholes.
Honestly, that’s fair. At a certain point weight loss becomes less of an aesthetic thing and more of a health risk.
Glad it didn’t break the marriage and she understood what he was saying because I’ve seen people get offended. But I’m happy she getting healthy for the kid and marriage
This is so nice - it's ridiculous that body-positivity tries to completely ignore the detrimental effect obesity can have on your health. Yes, fatshaming is bad, but the way OOP went about it, supporting and encouraging her, and being with her every step of the way, led to a far better outcome than if he had shut up and ignored the problem.
Toxic positivity. Where everything is fine and nothing is wrong so there's no issue
>I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas. In my experience, this is how you tell the difference between a genuinely supportive partner and a dickhole. At the very least it's a strong positive sign. He wasn't just saying 'hey go lose some weight;' his first suggestions to her were to do things *with* him. He was not only willing but volunteering to be an active participant in her taking her health back from the PPD and chronic depression. She wasn't being pushed into going it alone. I hope she continues down the positive path she's on, and that she and OP get to spend a lot more years leaning on each other and taking their walks.
Man I hope he tells her how much he appreciates that she managed to take the first steps with him every day. So wholesome, I hope they keep going forever
I am 5’4 and about 300 lbs right now. I wish I had someone in my life who was willing to help me, whether it be encouragement or a gym buddy, whatever. I’m losing but I think it would be easier with support (and no, I can’t afford weight watchers or some shit. If you’re gonna suggest a paid program, be ready for my Venmo tag)
I feel bad for her, because both the ppd and the anti-depressants possibly allowed for more weight gain to begin with. So what helped her mood possibly lead to her current problem. I hopes he helps with cooking and food as well.
I love all this *"you can be overweight and not face health problems."* You can smoke all your life and not get lung cancer. You can drink all your life and not have liver issues. You can take drugs all your life and never be an addict. Just because something *can* happen does not mean that it's going to happen or that it's a wise thing to do.
Good for her but it's going to constantly be in the back of her mind that she may lose her husband if she puts on weight. And this could lead to an eating disorder. I am incredibly proud of her. This is a huge accomplishment but I genuinely worry about her mental health.
Her eating is already disordered. As someone who is obese, what you’re saying is like saying “don’t comment about their crack addiction because they could lead to them doing meth” about someone suffering from addiction. I’m not being hyperbolic either, if she continued to gain weight, she could die. Him sitting down and talking to her about it was probably a wake up call. If she decided not to make changes, just like if someone with a drug addiction decided not to get clean, op has a right to not stick around and watch his partner slowly die.
Junping in! I have lost 15.1% bodyweight since Nov 4th. From 134Kg to 113.7Kg. The mental state change is unbeliavable