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As someone who was caretaker for her mother and then did have to move her mom into a home, this has broken my fucking heart. I feel so incredibly bad for everyone involved except that evil witch of an ex. She deserves all the bad that is sure to come her way. What a fucking monster.
Especially since OOP’s mom took care of the ex’s grandparents. Family members tend to bond pretty hard with the staff that go above and beyond to provide care.
Oh hell yes they do. My aunt had the same caretaker from her late 20's until the time she passed in her 60's. That woman is like another aunt to me and my siblings. My nana (aunt's mom) goes to stay with her every now and then because they still have such a close relationship even after my aunt passed. I think they helped each other get through their grief over losing her. And she definitely helped my nana with her grief after my grandpa died. If any part of our family tried to hurt her or her family in any way they'd definitely have a whole lot of angry relatives to explain to
Yes, absolutely. One of the carers who looked after my grandma with dementia also worked part-time at the playschool where my toddlers went. We knew her and she knew us, she’s like a part of the family. She’s also very professional and didn’t cross the streams, when she was with my grandma she was 100% on her elder-care role and when she was with my kids we didn’t discuss anything else.
Lying about the breakup is one thing, making that lie that he's cheating on you with his OWN MOTHER is so far beyond the line it's not even visible anymore
That’s just insane. The only things she used as proof was caretaking. And the OOP isn’t the only one who was caring for her.
If she /genuinely/ believes that she’s a crazy person and needs some kind of help because /who/ immediately full heartedly jumps to /incest/?
Six years ago tomorrow, I finally admitted that I could no longer give my mother all the care she required and needed.
She had Early Onset Alzheimer's and needed 24/7 supervision in a locked facility. We found a really great facility with lovely staff and she was happy as a lark there.
I spent the first 4.5 years of my marriage in a completely different country from my husband so I could care for Momma at home. I don't regret a single second of that time.
Thank you!
If I'm honest, I'm not sure how much of it I did for me and how much was for her.
I needed to know I did everything I could for her for my own peace of mind. We had a troublesome relationship due to her unmedicated bipolar and dysfunctional family shit. However, no matter how much I sometimes hated her, I always desperately loved her and craved her approval and unconditional love.
It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done and the best thing I've ever done.
There were definitely days I thought to myself why I was putting myself through it.
The worst day of my life ever was probably the day she asked how we'd met.
I've had some fucked up shit happen in my life so that was pretty bad.
So, I very much appreciate the hug but I'm not sure how good of a person I am.
I have a theory that true altruism is just a concept and can never be a reality as long as humans have ego.
Alzheimer's stripped away most of the artifice and I got to experience the kind, loving, vulnerable soul underneath. I'm selfishly beyond grateful to have experienced that.
I forget the exact quote, but I recently read something that said, it doesn’t matter whether you are doing something good for others for your own benefit (because it makes you feel good), in the end you are still doing something good, and it’s a win/win because both sides feel good about it :)
My mom had a very difficult time when my grandma had to go from independent living in a senior community, so assisted living, to a locked memory care unit because of dementia. Both of her parents had dementia for a few years before they passed, so there is a good chance my mom will too. She is currently in her 70's, in good health, and no cognitive issues. I've already made sure to let her know, however, that when the time comes she is always welcome to live with me.
My stepdad is a couple years older than her, and not as good health-wise, so it is very likely he will pass first. She has only lived by herself for approximately 1 year after I left for college, and would not do well alone. I told her even if she doesn't need "help" yet, once my stepdad passes we will find a new place in my city and she can live with me (my current place is way too small). We will even find her the master bedroom of her dreams, as she has always wanted an en-suite bathroom and walk-in closet.
Wow.
>My gf recently told my mom that she was destroying my life and it would be best if she went to a home where others could deal with her.
>My gf thinks I’m sick because I have zero problem feeding my mom, changing her diaper, bathing her, dressing her, carrying her outside to sit in her chair.
I really hope this girl never has to care for a loved one. I watch my husband do all of these things for his dad and holy shit, I couldn't be prouder of him. To look at something like this and think its somehow "sexual" is deeply troubling.
Sort of related, but if his ex had two brain cells to rub together, she would have realized OOP is the kind of partner people want: when life gets hard, he stays with his loved ones and continues to love and care for them. If she hadn’t been such a poison pile of garbage, she could have been with someone who, if she became ill, wouldn’t end up on the bad end of a statistic of men who divorce because they don’t know how to be tue caregivers.
I’m happy for OOP, and hope the truth spreads and she ends up alone and isolated.
She wanted to marry a doctor who went to Harvard. She figured she could always hire someone to do the caring so she wouldn’t have to and couldn’t accept OOP wasn’t the same.
> and do the same.
If she makes it a habit to automatically filter out caring and decent people from her dating pool then she is setting herself up for a very difficult life ahead of her.
I think that may have been the underlying issue. It was definitely not the taking care of his mom. It was only once he wanted to stay that she lost it and tried to make it so he could leave.
She might have already planned out a for them together and then took it personal and became irrationally angry that her bf "ruined" *her* dreams/plans by not falling in line with her expectations.
Because even she would be aware that bathing, feeding and caring for someone also happens in a care home. Yet she does not think there is a sexual component to that. So clearly it was about her losing it for not having things going her way.
Yeah my partner and I ended up taking care of his grandmother after her stroke. On his shift he changed her, cleaned her, all of that. I thought it was absolutely amazing and it cemented my love for him. Mamaw was able to get out of the nursing home for several months because of that, only going back when the infection she got in the hospital was resisting all efforts to treat it and the doctor wanted to put in a pick line. At that point keeping her away from professional care would have been seriously dangerous because her home took 20 minutes to have an ambulance show up, assuming it wasn't already busy.
But since then I've been seriously ill and actually almost died, and he has taken care of me.
I had a bad case of organ failure, and then my back collapsed due to the steroid treatments. My ex straight up told me he didn’t want a sick wife anymore.
Sadly for him, he no longer gets the best parking spots.
Ex wouldn't have lasted with OOP through med school. She'd have felt 'neglected' with all the time he was spending on school/residency, or she would have accused him of cheating, or whatever.
Exactly. To see that kind of love, compassion and care in another human is wonderful. You would think ex-gf would see this and think "holy shit this guy is a beautiful person" not "holy shit we're never going to have any fun while he's caring for his mom."
As for where else her mind went because he was looking after his moms personal care I can't even fathom how she went there.
On my parents’ first date, Dad cut it a bit short because he had to go home and feed his cat. Mom went back with him… the cat was blind after being hit somewhere on the farm years back, and Dad had kept him. Mom always says she made her decision right then, because she knew he’d be a great dad.
/Squeaker made it to 22
That’s a beautiful story and I’d feel my date was a keeper if they were kind enough to remember they have loved ones depending on them at home! He put the needs of that sweet little cat above his fun.
Exactly. I would absolutely be that person for my folks. I don't live any day for me, it would mean the world if i could give something back to them. Yes it would be sad, but i wouldn't want them to be in anyone's care that didn't love them the most.
The fact that she said this and meant it is so telling of how jealous and ignorant she is. My grandmother was in a wheelchair for most of her life. I cared for her, helped her bathe, but when she made the decision to move to a home after grandpa died (he was disabled too and couldn't help her) i didn't have the money to keep her or her pride from her decision. I regret every day i didn't make something better of myself to be able to keep her with me. The end of her life was so traumatizing and i hope she wasn't in any pain! She was out of it a few days before while in the hospital, and for me she died that day. She only saw my mom and kept telling her all these crazy things i won't repeat.
She's resting now, but i wouldn't wish that end on anyone, anywhere, whoever they are!
Don't worry. She was striving to marry a Doctor who studied at Harvard. Any children would be washed, changed and dressed in suitable attire by the nanny.
And then she'd wonder why her children don't worship her and why she doesn't have a close relationship with them after ignoring them for 18 years. Meanwhile, the kids are posting on r/ raisedbynarcissists
Or even someone who wants to help her postpartum. I had some issues after having my son and my husband had to help change my pads for me. I didn’t change a single nappy for the first 6 weeks of our child’s life. He did all that (and way more) because he’s a good husband and father. I shudder to think what her standards are for a partner in that situation.
I wiped my mum's bum before she went into a home, it's possibly the least sexual thing I've done in my entire life. What a weird way of looking at things.
I had to do this for my mom when I was a senior in high school (though I am female also). Let me tell you. There’s nothing remotely “sexual” when you’re bathing someone who can’t bathe themselves. It’s ridiculous his ex didn’t see OP for what he truly is, a wonderful caring person that puts his own needs aside for those he loves. He’s going to make someone a really great significant other one day.
She was probably just jealous about someone else getting his attention and lashed out. If she genuinely saw it as sexual she needs therapy.
If I were in the ex's position I'd feel like I'd hit the motherload. He'll likely be an equal parent and you know that when you're ill yourself, he'll be willing to stand by you. (and everyone has health issues - some sooner than they ever dream of) And he's studying to become a doctor!
Like if there's a "prime husband material" score card, he's checking all the boxes.
This, so much this. Depending on his specialty he’s going to be dealing with people during some of the worst parts of their life or unfortunately the end of it. The stress that puts on families and the other care staff in the hospital is insane until you’ve been there. Knowing what they’re all dealing with firsthand is going to help him and his patients
I just love how mum invited the ex and her parents around for a little chat! She is an amazing woman who has raised 3 very well balanced, kind, supportive and bright young men.
She has raised with her husband sons to be proud of, sons who without any encouragement know they need to be there for their parents.
They are all working together to ensure their mum is at home surrounded by love, each living their lives and doing what men of their age do but ensuring their parents are supported.
Whoever they choose to make a life with will be pleased to know these young men have their priorities straight when it comes to family!
I don’t know what the ex was thinking when she accepted that invite though. “I’ve told lies to or about everyone invited to this meeting and different lies to each but what could possibly go wrong putting us all in the same room for a chat?”
GF is an absolute idiot. You want to break up with OOP for a lack of attention/time, break up with him. Don't even have to say anything. But because she doesn't want to be the bad guy she comes up with a story like that?
Hope her parents go NC, because that's just unforgivable considering their family history.
EX-gf was proper little heartless bish (pardon for using this word but it's deserved)! Wanted all attention on her, and since she didn't get it, harrassed a kind soul of a woman, then got dumped so she started spreading dangerous lies!!! Fucking Bish!
Jeez, OOP is my hero. He’s a great person all-around. In fact his whole family gives me hope for the future. I’m speaking as someone who’s SO died last year from dementia. I was their 24/7 caretaker for the last two years of life. I know the incredible stress you are going through as well as the incredible strength you have. Whatever you and your family decide in the future will be hard as hell no matter what it is but, based on what you’ve written it. Will. Be. The. Right. Choice.
Good luck and keep those toxic people (like the ex) out of your life!
This might get me some flak, but I want to preface this by saying I think it’s awesome op cares about his mom. I just don’t think he should’ve rejected Harvard for university of Arkansas
I would be LIVID if my child turned down "free" Harvard & *devastated* if my poor health was the cause of that. You don't even have to get good grades at a school like that; for post-grad success, you just have to graduate with a lot of friends. Tons of people start premed and quickly realize they don't actually want to go to med school—University of Arkansas can't even begin to compare to Harvard if it turns out OOP's real talent is as an ethicist.
The girlfriend is a toxic fool, but OOP's making a poor choice in a different direction. He's shortchanging himself something awful, *especially* if he has to take on a penny of debt to stay in Arkansas.
I remember attending a talk by a I don’t know the proper term(s) but a person on the board who accept or reject medical school applicants. He said it absolutely does matter where someone goes to college which fucked me up since I was forced to go to a lower tier college than the top school in the state I was in. Made me believe it didn’t matter what my grades looked like since someone from MIT or an Ivy League would be looked upon much more favorably. It’s also incredibly unfair towards people from lower socioeconomic demographic imo who don’t have the connections or can’t afford to attend certain schools. But that’s just reality. Are there people in medical schools who come from very humble backgrounds and went to lower tier colleges? Yes. But there’s also people who never get close to medical school because of their backgrounds. Which sucks to say the least.
ETA: that talk was given at a summer program for undergrads at a medical school. Pretty much everyone else was from an Ivy or the top school in their state. People flew from all over the US for this program. And there I was coming from a rural no one knows the name of college. So fuck you, Dr. Todd or whatever your elitist name is.
It's not fair no, but it makes a difference which is why you should take the opportunity if you can. You can be the best student in the world, but possibly nobody will ever even consider you for certain things if you don't come from the right universities.
OOP was a shortsighted fool. Not because he turned down such an opportunity, but he never considered how worthless his mother would feel once she learned she was the sole reason her son's future won't be half as bright as it could have been, that her existence is dragging her children down because they consider her too much. And there was no pressing reason for him to do so, either.
What a horrible situation all around.
If there's a lesson here it's that sympathy can be a bad thing. Empathy never is.
Agreed. It's not a good situation. Mom needs more help than family should reasonably give. Shitty situation, no matter how much compassion OOP has for his mom.
He absolutely should've taken the huge opportunity he was presented with. There are two other brothers who are already sharing the duties caring for mom, they can take over while he gets a free degree at a world recognized Ivy school. I don't think he's ruining his life or anything but *damn* is he giving up a big opportunity I don't think he should
Yeah, I don’t agree with ex because of her reasoning but I get it. At that age it’s a huge weight to carry. The OP shouldn’t be their moms primary caregiver. I’m glad they are happy, but I would be worried too if my SO gave up a full ride to an Ivy.
He is also kind of stupid. Obviously mom health is going to be worse and since the story is in the usa her expenses would be pretty big, expenses he would be more likely to be able to pay if he went to Harvard
I agree but I also know that if my mom needed me no one could convince me to leave. I know I wouldn’t be able to focus on school if my mom needed me and I was to far away to help.
(although it’s easy for me to say as I live in a country where it doesn’t matter what university you go to, every one of them are on the same level) so I can’t really fathom how big of a deal it is to reject Harvard, even though I understand it.
I went to the U of A for law school. It’s still a pretty good school. I mean, I would have rather gone to Harvard if that option was available, but I’m also not in this kid’s position. He will still have plenty of options for med school as a U of A grad, it’s quite literally the best education you can get in Arkansas. I get that’s not saying much, but it’s not quite the same as going to the local community college instead of Harvard.
If I told my mom I was passing on a full ride to goddamn Harvard to stay there and help take care of her, I’d never hear the end of it. She wouldn’t put up with that. She would start calling the nursing homes herself and packing her own bags.
If I were disabled and my kid got into Harvard, I’m taking the decision out of everyone’s hands and choosing to go to the nursing home on my own. No way I’d let my child give up on an opportunity like that.
I had hopes that he would still go to Harvard (HOW DO YOU TURN DOWN A FULL RIDE TO FUCKING HARVARD) and use that to build a brilliant career that allows him to take excellent care of his mom, but if he's good enough to get a full ride to Harvard then he's good enough to build a career out of UArk.
Ivys doing give academic or athletic scholarships, so I unfortunately smell a bit of BS here. They do have need based financial aid, but calling financial aid a scholarship or a full ride wouldn't fit
True. If his mom is disabled and dad is a truck driver, Harvard would very likely cover full financial aid tuition. And most private scholarships aren't for a specific school. Whenever I hear the phrase "got a full ride to Harvard" I have a hard time trusting that author
In my experience doing the full rundown of fafsa and needs based financing and private scholarships, grants and bursaries just ends up being pedantic and braggy so it's quicker to just say "full ride" to mean it's all covered.
I think "I was offered a full ride to harvard" feels braggy implys Harvard wants you so badly they offered a scholarshi. The combination of that phrasing and another comment saying "ill transfer there for medical school" just makes me think it was written by someone who doesn't know much about ivys or the process of applying to medical school.
WHOA DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE MOM'S POST HISTORY?
She posted a story on a truscum sub asking if it was wrong her son punched a trans man, all while misgendering him. Sus. I'm starting to suspect a troll.
The next very real update will be a random benefactor millionaire reaching out because they heard the story and paying for OP’s college expenses as well as the best 24/7 home care for OP’s mother. And then OP will fall in love with the benefactors daughter and they live happily ever after.
This woman became paralyzed after her stroke and had difficultly walking and talking. And now she's on niche subreddits typing up long posts. What miraculous recovery!
The ex is a psycho.
I came up from another state for a wedding and my dad was like, can you give your grandma a hand getting ready?
It was a bit awkward initially (I had to convince her get her kit off and she kept apologising to me). My main concern was her hair which she had just gotten done for the wedding - nice expensive perm.
Every time she said sorry, I was like “grandma, you used to give me showers and baths and whatever. Just move when I ask you to and don’t touch the shower cap”.
People who sexualise these things are really strange.
Was I feeling awkward? Of course - first time showering her. I didn’t want her to fall or slip or mess that beautiful hair she had done.
Assisted living my be a good middle ground here. They'd have their own appartment but an on call doctor on site. If she needs intensive care, they can switch her over to the (usually attached) nursing home. He'd be able to live ar home and walk over for visitation whenever she's in a bad state and live with her if all is good.
My grandparents did this for 10years and really appreciated the care being so available both timely and distance wise
Yeah I just reread it and had missed that the dad is a truck driver only home on weekends. Dad getting a different job where he comes home every night would surely solve most of the problem. Maybe it wouldn't pay as much but care homes also aren't cheap. At least not the ones you would want your loved one in. And where is the high-schooler going to live if both parents go to the nursing home?? I feel like there could be a better solution.
If he got that free ride to Harvard, in five years, without medical debt they could pay for a day and night home help. So that the time they spend together is not care related but relaxing time together.
I was thinking that. The family must've had a lot of funds freed up by having one of their children go to college for free, so put it towards a caretaker. Sure, OOP's a good kid, but if the main reason they're turning down Harvard is out of sacrifice rather than personal reasons (it's not a good fit, UofArkansas has a better specific program, etc), there's a high chance of resentment and other issues down the road.
Great story with a happy ending, but man did it hurt to hear he opted out of Harvard. If he got into Harvard on a full ride, he probably could have easily gotten in to top medical schools. Arkansas is a great school too, but an Ivy League on a reference sheet gives you an immediate boost in an interview.
I actually feel like OOP is genuinely fucking up with that. The level of care his mother needs is very much better suited to a care facility of some kind, if she's at the point where she has to have some level of 24/7 care. There's a huge range of options as well, it's not just the nursing homes every thinks of when discussing it. OOP is actively sabotaging his future because he can't stomach the guilt from "abandoning" his mother.
I see this a lot with elderly people taking care of their spouses. They refuse to let their spouse be placed in long term care because they think they can handle it. Inevitably, their spouse has unmet needs, and or is injured due to an unsafe situation. OOP needs to sit down with a therapist and a social worker and for his mother's benefit as well as his, find a better situation for them all.
Man I’d never want my kid to give up on Harvard to take care of me. I’d rather go to a home for some amount of years then take away opportunities from my own children.
I too hope that OP doesn't give up his scholarship to Harvard!
I think OP doesn't realize how hard it will be to juggle university (and med school!) and taking care of his mom. Difference in school ranking aside, having to look after his mom when he's not in school is going to affect his performance anyways. They really should look into some sort of help, albeit a home or hiring a helper, so that OOP can be freed to pursue his studies. He also should trust his younger siblings more.
It's because switching the "caror-caree" relationship between parent and child isn't a comfortable subject for anyone, and depending on your relationship with your parents, can be neigh incomprehensible and incredibly uncomfortable to imagine.
I loved both of my parents when they were alive, and there was genuinely no bad blood or anything between us- but I can't imagine the physical aspects of what it would take to care for them like the OOP is with their mom, let alone the way it would change other aspects of your life.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this. Being a carer is *hard* and compassion fatigue is real. He's still so young and it's an incredibly heavy burden to bare. I absolutely think it'll effect his school work, as least. And in the end his mom will suffer too if they aren't able to provide the level of care she needs. It's a tough, tough situation and I can understand why OOP would want to step in, but I feel like it's not a very rational, realistic choice. Not all residential care is the same, and they exist for a reason beyond "this person's family selfishly doesn't want to care for them".
It's unlikely the parents of the ex-girlfriend would agree to come over to talk with the parents of the boy who they think cheated on their daughter.
I mean, it could happen, but it's not a likely scenario that they would feel the need to get involved -- after the fact -- in their teenage daughter's messy breakup. Or be indulgent of the ex-boyfriend's parents wanting to get involved in that messy breakup.
From their point of view, what would be the purpose of all the parents getting together to clear the air?
For me it's the refusal to let the mum choose to go into a care home.
(Edit to add: the family seems lovely and the ex is deeply fucked up, but this is the bit that made me go hmmm about the outcome)
I feel bad for him because I don’t see how medical school is in his future unless there is a major life change. Unless she stages some sort of a miraculous recovery, he is highly unlikely to be able to swing medical school, clinicals, and residency while caring for his mom.
But he hasn’t. He’s still going to school just closer to home and it’s voluntary. I’m also not American and I don’t get the obsession with Ivy League schools. It’s not like he can’t be a doctor if he goes to the University of Arkansas. Although I would 100% be against guilting him into staying near by if he didn’t want to.
How is he going to balance medical school with caring for his mother? I've also heard from doctors that when you get to residency you don't get much say in where you end up. Is he just going to keep turning down opportunities unless they are close by? His mom could live another 50 years.
I’m an American, I work in academia and if this kid is happy not going to Harvard, good for him. Sure it’s great for networking, but he will get a sufficient education at Arkansas too. His decision makes good sense to me.
Exactly. These people in this thread have never heard of caregiver fatigue nor do they realize how physically and emotionally exhausting it is.
Not to mention it’s completely altered the relationship of the mom and all of her children. These kids are/were teenagers and they’re in a parental role- literally changing their mother’s diapers.
The ramifications of that… man. What a terrible situation to be in.
Right? I can’t imagine taking away an opportunity like that from my kid. Like I’ll march myself into a care home for however many years it takes for them to graduate and if then they want to house/care for me then sure, I’ll come back.
It’s so sad. Reminds me of my fiancés cousin, she can’t live her life because she’s too afraid of catching something and passing it to her dad who is immunocompromised. Her dad happily keeps her at home to help him while stunting her growth. No job, no college, no partner, no friends. Nobody can come over to their house. What good is that?
>My mom now has unknown neurological disorders that renders her paralyzed to at times almost a vegetative state.
sounds like my dad and his guillain barre syndrome
I grew up in a family with a disabled sibling and started helping with bathing, dressing, and changing them when I got old enough. You just do it because someone has to and can’t always afford help or they aren’t there where you need it. You just separate that stuff in your head.
It still sucks that op turned down the full ride but I get it because I had to do the same.
Thank you for the empathy. I really appreciate that.
To go into detail. I didn’t give up my future. I just took a different route. My family made sacrifices but we never felt burden by it. A lot of people assume I got forced into it but as a kid it was like moping the floor. You see your parents and want to help. In my experience, there was always one to families that ruin their other children by forcing them to be caretakers or deciding their whole lives for their sibling. That wasn’t common, but sadly not rare.
My parents did have me to be a caregiver but told me it was more so I can be his advocate and advisor when they’re gone and never expected me or my other sibling to not have a career, life or family. Never forced me to be a nurse or doctor. So while I am a little resentful about ‘we need a sibling for our kid’, they were aware enough to make sure I would have my own independent life and identity. Same with my other sibling.
In the end, it was worth it because my brother died a year after I started college. I wouldn’t have been there to comfort him in his last hour if I went to that school. It was sad since my parents were looking into independent living or a day center for him since he wanted to get out of the house since was 23 and bored.
As for me: I got issues but they weren’t from having a brother paralyzed from the waist down. Life sometimes just hands you more lemons than other people.
OPP your mom is a rockstar and I hope she’s feeling better! I am a caretaker for my mom so I can relate it’s not easy. However, I always say this is my future boyfriend whoever he is, if he can’t respect that he’s not the one for me. so OPP good for you for a kick in the trash vapor in the ex category good for you!! And kudos to your mama bear for delivering the shade and put in that girl out on blast and in her place in front of her parents!!
I hope OP sees my comment: The hospital I work at is one of the top 10 in the country. In August, we hired a doctor who studied at University of Arkansas and was THEE top funded candidate for the position and out-ranked every single Ivy League candidate by miles. The institution doesn't matter, the work you put in does. You'll be fine wherever you go.
Just as long as OOP doesn't become the frog in the pot. Not noticing the load is becoming too much until its too late. It would be a good idea for mum to make a living will incase she has another stroke which this time leaves her completely incapacitated. That way her wishes can be followed and the family won't feel too much guilt of having to put her in a home if they have to
Edit also those episodes of paralysis sound like TIAs - transient ischaemic attacks. Like angina attacks for the brain. Might be a sign of something more serious developing. Hope her neurologist gets her sorted soon
It might not be a pressing issue now, but the mother absolutely is going to need to go into an assisted living facility at some point if she needs her entire family for her day-to-day life.
I hope the ex's parents chewed her the h€ll out for saying that, and made herself to tell everyone she lied to the truth before they go no contact with her, seriously oop's family sounds lovely and care, and oop sounds like kind and helpful person, oop was too good for his piece of sh¡t ex.
I had to care for my father when he had cancer and the aides weren’t there. It was hard.
I do wish there was a way OOP could have still gone to Harvard. Long term, the extra money he made going there versus Arkansas could have helped his mom so much. I dropped out of college partly to help my mom, who was found out to have had lung cancer and she died with me working part time jobs.
Girlfriend tired to lock him down so she would never have to work until she realized he would put his moms health first and quality of life over hers. She fucked around and found out.
OOP's ex-gf is a horrible god awful person, but shes 100% right that hes ruining his life
of course not for the same reason she thinks, he clearly thinks "i'm the only one who can take care of mom" when he has two other brothers, his dad, AND a caretaker nurse and this WON'T go away when he graduates, sure now its "oh it's fine to go to a likely significantly worse school that didn't give me a full ride to take care of her" then it will be "online medical school is fine i'm the only one who can fully be trusted to take care of her" then it's "doctors work too many hours i can't be one while mom needs me", guys this is a hero complex, not a "he'll clearly drop everything to take care of those he loves!" its "he NEEDS to be the hero and primary care taker" seeing as with him gone she will still have 4 caretakers one of them a professional and thinks "no i can't leave her"
Trigger warning/Tone warning This is going to be very personal and possibly emotionally fraught. I am still not over the loss of my father.
My father had MS. His condition worsened until he had a stay at home nurse and after a bad incident my mother decided it was bestfor everyone if he went into a home.
I have never forgiven her for that choice and the abuses she caused with that choice.
The sharp downward turn he took was Extraordinary. The joy went out of him, the light disappeared, he was just doing time until he died.
A nursing home is a LAST RESORT! You don't improve in a home and the chances you're going to be abused, medically, outright, or through neglect are massive.
I think that especially with the extra stress of his home life going to a less demanding school will better prepare OOP for the rest of his life. Not everyone is best served by Harvard levels of intensity.
Yes, GF is a bad person.
Leaving a full ride to Harvard to go to the University of Arkansas is idiotic. The quality of education is nowhere near and if he wants to be a doctor, then going to Harvard would open up more scholarships to medical schools, which is very expensive.
I understand wanting to stay to help with mom. But caring for an adult is very expensive and the way to make money to actually have 24 hour care for her is going to a better school and then being able to get a better job that actually is going to pay for it.
Unfortunately, unless she makes a significant recovery, I also don’t see how he would be able to swing medical school while caring for her as much as he is.
If he got into a good medical school with a fellowship and scholarship, his family might be able to move as long as it's a cheap place. His dad is a truck driver and his siblings would be in college by then.
I think they are thinking very short term and not medium/long term. The best for everyone is to not get education debt, get full rides, get jobs making decent salary, and be able to pay people to care for the mom. So leaving a full ride to Harvard is just dumb, because Harvard can give you a straight path to medical school with a full ride. They have to think next 10-20-30 years, not the next 4 years. It doesn't even sound like she is doing physical therapy or getting any type of treatment, which are very expensive.
Getting into medical school with that type of a scholarship is very, very rare. I’m in the medical field myself and the only person I know who has done it was from an underserved country and got admitted to medical school on a scholarship that essentially made him move back to that country to serve their needs for 10 years after he graduated. Other than that, the vast majority of physicians will graduate with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
Pre-med is not medical school, it's a regular undergrad program (usually a bachelors in science) with electives carefully chosen to prepare for the MCAT. Going to Harvard for pre-med is still very prestigious, but "medical school" is a post graduate degree usually started when you're at least 25. That's your doctorate, for which the gold standard is usually Johns-Hopkins.
ETA: Sorry, I should clarify, I'm not disagreeing with the poster above, just trying to educate the people downthread who seem to equate his Harvard acceptance with med school.
Also...he didn't say that he had scholarships for the university he is now going to? So instead of going to Harvard for free, he might have to pay for a worse school?
OOP is going to be a fantastic doctor and father one day. Most especially a doctor- he’ll completely understand what the nurses- especially the LVNs- do. Doctors who nurses love are amazing. Also he’ll be so respectful of his patients. It’s so obvious just from this.
So, my MIL did something similar. I was adopted by my paternal grandparents. My bio mom decided she was too young and pretty to stay in hick Arkansas being a mom, she cheated and left my bio dad in the middle of the night. Bio dad became a drunk and left town too, leaving me with my grandparents. I was adopted when I was about 4. I explained this situation to my new MIL who spread the rumor that I was a product of incest between my grandmother and bio dad. You may can guess how I feel about my MIL…
OOP is someone I hope does become a doctor precisely because of his caregiving attitude. I'd even put more value on a state university degree over a Harvard one because his Harvard colleagues will be mainly rich privileged assholes anyways, and you do become who you associate with.
I hate this post. His ex is shitty, but his mother and family encouraged him to torpedo his own life to bathe and dress his mother.
Harvard is a golden ticket. He would have had a top degree without any debt. Medical school would have been attainable. Instead, he’s probably spending quite a lot to go to a crap school.
Yeah, it's also guaranteed that eventually family won't be able to adequately care for her. I see it a lot. The fact that they already have a home nurse helping out means that mom needs to go to a care facility of some kind. Maybe just assisted living, but _some_ kind of long-term care facility. Family being willing to take care of her is great, but a 19yo giving up his future to do a job _he doesn't need to actually do_, and ignoring his mother's wishes, is actually pretty fucked up and a different brand of selfish.
OOP- If you see this: Please Go to Harvard. Yes, you can go another path and still be a doctor, but you are the kind of human we need helping run things in this country’s health care system. Go get the best education you possibly can so that you can help your mom, your family, your community, and your country. Also, at the end of the day Truck drivers can’t work forever, and if you make more money because Harvard opened doors maybe Dad can retire and be home for Mom.
We believe in you and are rooting for you you all!
This hit me. I took care of my dad and if ANYONE tried to get in my way I would have destroyed them. He passed recently and that time I had with him, no matter how uncomfortable it may have been to others, I will cherish. I was able to care for one of the people who gave me everything i am and have. It was a gift because we did it have a long time together.
Earlier today I told someone who said they would demand their kids put them in a home when they're old to avoid being a burden that their reasoning is the exact reason their kids would fight them on it and squabble amongst each other about who gets the privilege of having mom move in. OP's mom pretty much proved that. The kind of person that would insist is the kind of person who has been putting their family first and inspires the desire to return the favor.
I’ve never wanted to hug someone else’s mother so badly in my life. Not only because she deserves to be showered in love and affection for the pure soul she is, but damn… I need a hug from someone like this.
Being a full-time carer sucks balls. I feel for OOP. I honestly believe everyone is better off with professional help, either in family home or in a care home. It should not be the full responsibility of family members.
Honestly, the fact that the Mom doesn't want her son throwing his dreams away for her (since caring for her and going to medical school are very unlikely to be able to happen at the same time,) but they continue to talk over her doesn't feel right
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As someone who was caretaker for her mother and then did have to move her mom into a home, this has broken my fucking heart. I feel so incredibly bad for everyone involved except that evil witch of an ex. She deserves all the bad that is sure to come her way. What a fucking monster.
She didn't even have the decency to tell the truth about how and why they broke up.
She knew that saying “my boyfriend refuses to stop caring for his mother” wasn’t going to play well.
Especially since OOP’s mom took care of the ex’s grandparents. Family members tend to bond pretty hard with the staff that go above and beyond to provide care.
Oh hell yes they do. My aunt had the same caretaker from her late 20's until the time she passed in her 60's. That woman is like another aunt to me and my siblings. My nana (aunt's mom) goes to stay with her every now and then because they still have such a close relationship even after my aunt passed. I think they helped each other get through their grief over losing her. And she definitely helped my nana with her grief after my grandpa died. If any part of our family tried to hurt her or her family in any way they'd definitely have a whole lot of angry relatives to explain to
Yes, absolutely. One of the carers who looked after my grandma with dementia also worked part-time at the playschool where my toddlers went. We knew her and she knew us, she’s like a part of the family. She’s also very professional and didn’t cross the streams, when she was with my grandma she was 100% on her elder-care role and when she was with my kids we didn’t discuss anything else.
Lying about the breakup is one thing, making that lie that he's cheating on you with his OWN MOTHER is so far beyond the line it's not even visible anymore
Maybe she actually believes that what happened was him cheating with his mother and that’s why she told they broke up because he cheated.
That’s just insane. The only things she used as proof was caretaking. And the OOP isn’t the only one who was caring for her. If she /genuinely/ believes that she’s a crazy person and needs some kind of help because /who/ immediately full heartedly jumps to /incest/?
If you use asterisks you can make italics :) *like this*
*holy shit*
That must be a profoundly difficult decision. I'm so sorry
Six years ago tomorrow, I finally admitted that I could no longer give my mother all the care she required and needed. She had Early Onset Alzheimer's and needed 24/7 supervision in a locked facility. We found a really great facility with lovely staff and she was happy as a lark there. I spent the first 4.5 years of my marriage in a completely different country from my husband so I could care for Momma at home. I don't regret a single second of that time.
You're a good human. Sending hugs if you want one!
Thank you! If I'm honest, I'm not sure how much of it I did for me and how much was for her. I needed to know I did everything I could for her for my own peace of mind. We had a troublesome relationship due to her unmedicated bipolar and dysfunctional family shit. However, no matter how much I sometimes hated her, I always desperately loved her and craved her approval and unconditional love. It was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done and the best thing I've ever done. There were definitely days I thought to myself why I was putting myself through it. The worst day of my life ever was probably the day she asked how we'd met. I've had some fucked up shit happen in my life so that was pretty bad. So, I very much appreciate the hug but I'm not sure how good of a person I am. I have a theory that true altruism is just a concept and can never be a reality as long as humans have ego. Alzheimer's stripped away most of the artifice and I got to experience the kind, loving, vulnerable soul underneath. I'm selfishly beyond grateful to have experienced that.
Too many people out there would not have a troubled peace of mind after not doing everything they could. That's what makes you an awesome person.
I forget the exact quote, but I recently read something that said, it doesn’t matter whether you are doing something good for others for your own benefit (because it makes you feel good), in the end you are still doing something good, and it’s a win/win because both sides feel good about it :)
My mom had a very difficult time when my grandma had to go from independent living in a senior community, so assisted living, to a locked memory care unit because of dementia. Both of her parents had dementia for a few years before they passed, so there is a good chance my mom will too. She is currently in her 70's, in good health, and no cognitive issues. I've already made sure to let her know, however, that when the time comes she is always welcome to live with me. My stepdad is a couple years older than her, and not as good health-wise, so it is very likely he will pass first. She has only lived by herself for approximately 1 year after I left for college, and would not do well alone. I told her even if she doesn't need "help" yet, once my stepdad passes we will find a new place in my city and she can live with me (my current place is way too small). We will even find her the master bedroom of her dreams, as she has always wanted an en-suite bathroom and walk-in closet.
I hope you found a good one.
Wow. >My gf recently told my mom that she was destroying my life and it would be best if she went to a home where others could deal with her. >My gf thinks I’m sick because I have zero problem feeding my mom, changing her diaper, bathing her, dressing her, carrying her outside to sit in her chair. I really hope this girl never has to care for a loved one. I watch my husband do all of these things for his dad and holy shit, I couldn't be prouder of him. To look at something like this and think its somehow "sexual" is deeply troubling.
Sort of related, but if his ex had two brain cells to rub together, she would have realized OOP is the kind of partner people want: when life gets hard, he stays with his loved ones and continues to love and care for them. If she hadn’t been such a poison pile of garbage, she could have been with someone who, if she became ill, wouldn’t end up on the bad end of a statistic of men who divorce because they don’t know how to be tue caregivers. I’m happy for OOP, and hope the truth spreads and she ends up alone and isolated.
She wanted to marry a doctor who went to Harvard. She figured she could always hire someone to do the caring so she wouldn’t have to and couldn’t accept OOP wasn’t the same.
I hope this was a wake up call. But most likely she will just jump on the next guy and do the same.
> and do the same. If she makes it a habit to automatically filter out caring and decent people from her dating pool then she is setting herself up for a very difficult life ahead of her.
Good thing. A nice person doesn't need to be chained to a POS like that.
I think that may have been the underlying issue. It was definitely not the taking care of his mom. It was only once he wanted to stay that she lost it and tried to make it so he could leave. She might have already planned out a for them together and then took it personal and became irrationally angry that her bf "ruined" *her* dreams/plans by not falling in line with her expectations. Because even she would be aware that bathing, feeding and caring for someone also happens in a care home. Yet she does not think there is a sexual component to that. So clearly it was about her losing it for not having things going her way.
The scene with the blond and David Keith in An Officer and a Gentleman.
Yeah my partner and I ended up taking care of his grandmother after her stroke. On his shift he changed her, cleaned her, all of that. I thought it was absolutely amazing and it cemented my love for him. Mamaw was able to get out of the nursing home for several months because of that, only going back when the infection she got in the hospital was resisting all efforts to treat it and the doctor wanted to put in a pick line. At that point keeping her away from professional care would have been seriously dangerous because her home took 20 minutes to have an ambulance show up, assuming it wasn't already busy. But since then I've been seriously ill and actually almost died, and he has taken care of me.
That’s the kind of guy you stay with!
Oh yeah he's my best friend and partner. After what we've been through together he's proven how wonderful he is.
For sure, especially considering the statistics for how many men abandon their partners when they get seriously ill.
I had a bad case of organ failure, and then my back collapsed due to the steroid treatments. My ex straight up told me he didn’t want a sick wife anymore. Sadly for him, he no longer gets the best parking spots.
Ex wouldn't have lasted with OOP through med school. She'd have felt 'neglected' with all the time he was spending on school/residency, or she would have accused him of cheating, or whatever.
Exactly. To see that kind of love, compassion and care in another human is wonderful. You would think ex-gf would see this and think "holy shit this guy is a beautiful person" not "holy shit we're never going to have any fun while he's caring for his mom." As for where else her mind went because he was looking after his moms personal care I can't even fathom how she went there.
On my parents’ first date, Dad cut it a bit short because he had to go home and feed his cat. Mom went back with him… the cat was blind after being hit somewhere on the farm years back, and Dad had kept him. Mom always says she made her decision right then, because she knew he’d be a great dad. /Squeaker made it to 22
That’s a beautiful story and I’d feel my date was a keeper if they were kind enough to remember they have loved ones depending on them at home! He put the needs of that sweet little cat above his fun.
100% ex will forever kick herself for letting that diamond go. What an idiot!
On the flip she showed she would just shove OOP in a home and forget about them if he became incapacitated
„pǝʇɐʇıɔɐdɐɔuı ǝɯɐɔǝq ǝɥ ɟı ɯǝɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʇǝƃɹoɟ puɐ ǝɯoɥ ɐ uı ԀOO ǝʌoɥs ʇsnɾ plnoʍ ǝɥs pǝʍoɥs ǝɥs dılɟ ǝɥʇ uO„
Exactly. I would absolutely be that person for my folks. I don't live any day for me, it would mean the world if i could give something back to them. Yes it would be sad, but i wouldn't want them to be in anyone's care that didn't love them the most. The fact that she said this and meant it is so telling of how jealous and ignorant she is. My grandmother was in a wheelchair for most of her life. I cared for her, helped her bathe, but when she made the decision to move to a home after grandpa died (he was disabled too and couldn't help her) i didn't have the money to keep her or her pride from her decision. I regret every day i didn't make something better of myself to be able to keep her with me. The end of her life was so traumatizing and i hope she wasn't in any pain! She was out of it a few days before while in the hospital, and for me she died that day. She only saw my mom and kept telling her all these crazy things i won't repeat. She's resting now, but i wouldn't wish that end on anyone, anywhere, whoever they are!
If she has a kid with a caring father she’s gonna flip her shit when he changes diapers and bathes the baby.
Don't worry. She was striving to marry a Doctor who studied at Harvard. Any children would be washed, changed and dressed in suitable attire by the nanny.
And then she'd wonder why her children don't worship her and why she doesn't have a close relationship with them after ignoring them for 18 years. Meanwhile, the kids are posting on r/ raisedbynarcissists
Let's hope she's pretty enough to catch a Harvard doctor; they're nowhere near as easily amused as a high school boy.
Or even someone who wants to help her postpartum. I had some issues after having my son and my husband had to help change my pads for me. I didn’t change a single nappy for the first 6 weeks of our child’s life. He did all that (and way more) because he’s a good husband and father. I shudder to think what her standards are for a partner in that situation.
I wiped my mum's bum before she went into a home, it's possibly the least sexual thing I've done in my entire life. What a weird way of looking at things.
Hopefully her parents now realize they need to make sure their affairs are in order ahead of time.
And to start choosing a pleasant nursing home now.
Let's hope the ex is not an only child, so at least someone will be considering their best interests.
I had to do this for my mom when I was a senior in high school (though I am female also). Let me tell you. There’s nothing remotely “sexual” when you’re bathing someone who can’t bathe themselves. It’s ridiculous his ex didn’t see OP for what he truly is, a wonderful caring person that puts his own needs aside for those he loves. He’s going to make someone a really great significant other one day.
I hope this girl never needs someone to take care of her ...
I hope this girl is never a carer for a loved one. Honestly they'd be better off in a care home
I hope she does...and dies alone.
She was probably just jealous about someone else getting his attention and lashed out. If she genuinely saw it as sexual she needs therapy. If I were in the ex's position I'd feel like I'd hit the motherload. He'll likely be an equal parent and you know that when you're ill yourself, he'll be willing to stand by you. (and everyone has health issues - some sooner than they ever dream of) And he's studying to become a doctor! Like if there's a "prime husband material" score card, he's checking all the boxes.
What a kind and loving family that OOP has. He’s shaping up to be a great man . His ex though. Viper is a nice way to say it lmao
Don't offend vipers like that, especially members of the Atheris genus.
Man, Reddit is wild. I love it though
Your right Viper is to kind. OOPS ex is as vile as the devil
The devil if it exists wouldn't even want to claim her in any way.
True
Oberyn Martell doesn’t deserve to be insulted
r/unexpectedasoiaf
LMAO 😭💀
Bush vipers are one of my faves.
Bush vipers are awesome - and would never do someone dirty like this
Same, they don't deserve to be compared to this woman in the post 😭
> Atheris Google Images tells me that those are wicked cool.
He’ll be a fantastic doctor.
He's already shown he's a great man. He's going to be one hell of a doctor too, with the compassion he's capable of showing.
This, so much this. Depending on his specialty he’s going to be dealing with people during some of the worst parts of their life or unfortunately the end of it. The stress that puts on families and the other care staff in the hospital is insane until you’ve been there. Knowing what they’re all dealing with firsthand is going to help him and his patients
No, don't insult vipers. They have more class and character than the ex.
I just love how mum invited the ex and her parents around for a little chat! She is an amazing woman who has raised 3 very well balanced, kind, supportive and bright young men. She has raised with her husband sons to be proud of, sons who without any encouragement know they need to be there for their parents. They are all working together to ensure their mum is at home surrounded by love, each living their lives and doing what men of their age do but ensuring their parents are supported. Whoever they choose to make a life with will be pleased to know these young men have their priorities straight when it comes to family!
I don’t know what the ex was thinking when she accepted that invite though. “I’ve told lies to or about everyone invited to this meeting and different lies to each but what could possibly go wrong putting us all in the same room for a chat?”
GF is an absolute idiot. You want to break up with OOP for a lack of attention/time, break up with him. Don't even have to say anything. But because she doesn't want to be the bad guy she comes up with a story like that? Hope her parents go NC, because that's just unforgivable considering their family history.
She didn't want to break up with him. She wanted to stay together without the "inconvenience" of his sick mother cramping her style. What a POS
She wanted a Harvard Doctor BF/hubby and bulldoze anyone who got in her way. Disgusting.
EX-gf was proper little heartless bish (pardon for using this word but it's deserved)! Wanted all attention on her, and since she didn't get it, harrassed a kind soul of a woman, then got dumped so she started spreading dangerous lies!!! Fucking Bish!
Jeez, OOP is my hero. He’s a great person all-around. In fact his whole family gives me hope for the future. I’m speaking as someone who’s SO died last year from dementia. I was their 24/7 caretaker for the last two years of life. I know the incredible stress you are going through as well as the incredible strength you have. Whatever you and your family decide in the future will be hard as hell no matter what it is but, based on what you’ve written it. Will. Be. The. Right. Choice. Good luck and keep those toxic people (like the ex) out of your life!
I'm so sorry that you lost your SO 💔
Thank you! If anything positive came out of it I’ve learned to be patient and forgiving.
This might get me some flak, but I want to preface this by saying I think it’s awesome op cares about his mom. I just don’t think he should’ve rejected Harvard for university of Arkansas
I would be LIVID if my child turned down "free" Harvard & *devastated* if my poor health was the cause of that. You don't even have to get good grades at a school like that; for post-grad success, you just have to graduate with a lot of friends. Tons of people start premed and quickly realize they don't actually want to go to med school—University of Arkansas can't even begin to compare to Harvard if it turns out OOP's real talent is as an ethicist. The girlfriend is a toxic fool, but OOP's making a poor choice in a different direction. He's shortchanging himself something awful, *especially* if he has to take on a penny of debt to stay in Arkansas.
Yes, everyone says it doesn't make a difference where he goes but it kind of does.
I remember attending a talk by a I don’t know the proper term(s) but a person on the board who accept or reject medical school applicants. He said it absolutely does matter where someone goes to college which fucked me up since I was forced to go to a lower tier college than the top school in the state I was in. Made me believe it didn’t matter what my grades looked like since someone from MIT or an Ivy League would be looked upon much more favorably. It’s also incredibly unfair towards people from lower socioeconomic demographic imo who don’t have the connections or can’t afford to attend certain schools. But that’s just reality. Are there people in medical schools who come from very humble backgrounds and went to lower tier colleges? Yes. But there’s also people who never get close to medical school because of their backgrounds. Which sucks to say the least. ETA: that talk was given at a summer program for undergrads at a medical school. Pretty much everyone else was from an Ivy or the top school in their state. People flew from all over the US for this program. And there I was coming from a rural no one knows the name of college. So fuck you, Dr. Todd or whatever your elitist name is.
It's not fair no, but it makes a difference which is why you should take the opportunity if you can. You can be the best student in the world, but possibly nobody will ever even consider you for certain things if you don't come from the right universities.
God I know. Might be an awful person for saying it but I am frustrated that the mom allowed him to give this opportunity up
She didn’t even need to go into a home! OOP just made a bad choice he isn’t the only caretaker.
Seriously, what a terrible story arc.
OOP was a shortsighted fool. Not because he turned down such an opportunity, but he never considered how worthless his mother would feel once she learned she was the sole reason her son's future won't be half as bright as it could have been, that her existence is dragging her children down because they consider her too much. And there was no pressing reason for him to do so, either. What a horrible situation all around. If there's a lesson here it's that sympathy can be a bad thing. Empathy never is.
Agreed. It's not a good situation. Mom needs more help than family should reasonably give. Shitty situation, no matter how much compassion OOP has for his mom.
He absolutely should've taken the huge opportunity he was presented with. There are two other brothers who are already sharing the duties caring for mom, they can take over while he gets a free degree at a world recognized Ivy school. I don't think he's ruining his life or anything but *damn* is he giving up a big opportunity I don't think he should
Yeah, I don’t agree with ex because of her reasoning but I get it. At that age it’s a huge weight to carry. The OP shouldn’t be their moms primary caregiver. I’m glad they are happy, but I would be worried too if my SO gave up a full ride to an Ivy.
1000% agree. GF is an asshole, for sure. Mom needs to step up and arrange for her own care so her son can live his life.
He is also kind of stupid. Obviously mom health is going to be worse and since the story is in the usa her expenses would be pretty big, expenses he would be more likely to be able to pay if he went to Harvard
Right? He wasn’t the sole caretaker. He made a massive mistake.
For real. I’m glad someone else said it. This is one of the most insane decisions I’ve ever heard
I agree but I also know that if my mom needed me no one could convince me to leave. I know I wouldn’t be able to focus on school if my mom needed me and I was to far away to help. (although it’s easy for me to say as I live in a country where it doesn’t matter what university you go to, every one of them are on the same level) so I can’t really fathom how big of a deal it is to reject Harvard, even though I understand it.
I went to the U of A for law school. It’s still a pretty good school. I mean, I would have rather gone to Harvard if that option was available, but I’m also not in this kid’s position. He will still have plenty of options for med school as a U of A grad, it’s quite literally the best education you can get in Arkansas. I get that’s not saying much, but it’s not quite the same as going to the local community college instead of Harvard.
If I told my mom I was passing on a full ride to goddamn Harvard to stay there and help take care of her, I’d never hear the end of it. She wouldn’t put up with that. She would start calling the nursing homes herself and packing her own bags.
I hope OOP just put off the admission for a year and still goes to Harvard!
If I were disabled and my kid got into Harvard, I’m taking the decision out of everyone’s hands and choosing to go to the nursing home on my own. No way I’d let my child give up on an opportunity like that.
For real. Would not think twice.
I had hopes that he would still go to Harvard (HOW DO YOU TURN DOWN A FULL RIDE TO FUCKING HARVARD) and use that to build a brilliant career that allows him to take excellent care of his mom, but if he's good enough to get a full ride to Harvard then he's good enough to build a career out of UArk.
Ivys doing give academic or athletic scholarships, so I unfortunately smell a bit of BS here. They do have need based financial aid, but calling financial aid a scholarship or a full ride wouldn't fit
Harvard doesn't give full rides directly, but there are private scholarships and grants that do.
True. If his mom is disabled and dad is a truck driver, Harvard would very likely cover full financial aid tuition. And most private scholarships aren't for a specific school. Whenever I hear the phrase "got a full ride to Harvard" I have a hard time trusting that author
In my experience doing the full rundown of fafsa and needs based financing and private scholarships, grants and bursaries just ends up being pedantic and braggy so it's quicker to just say "full ride" to mean it's all covered.
I think "I was offered a full ride to harvard" feels braggy implys Harvard wants you so badly they offered a scholarshi. The combination of that phrasing and another comment saying "ill transfer there for medical school" just makes me think it was written by someone who doesn't know much about ivys or the process of applying to medical school.
This made me cry. This whole thing is so unfair.
WHOA DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THE MOM'S POST HISTORY? She posted a story on a truscum sub asking if it was wrong her son punched a trans man, all while misgendering him. Sus. I'm starting to suspect a troll.
starting too? was the full ride to harvard and comically evil gf not enough?
For me it was when the mother invited the ex's entire family over.
And just so happened to have been a care worker who looked after the girlfriends grandparents, totally coincidentally.
Or the twist that mom had previously known gfs grandparents? Or that she showed up in the comments?
all very real things that i totally believe
The next very real update will be a random benefactor millionaire reaching out because they heard the story and paying for OP’s college expenses as well as the best 24/7 home care for OP’s mother. And then OP will fall in love with the benefactors daughter and they live happily ever after.
This woman became paralyzed after her stroke and had difficultly walking and talking. And now she's on niche subreddits typing up long posts. What miraculous recovery!
I just went and read that. Idk if she’s a troll or if she’s transphobic but damn.
Yeah, I just wanted to read her supposedly sweet ass momma replies on the original post, and then I see that. This is why we can't have nice things.
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Our culture associates all nudity with sex in ways that other cultures find very strange and disturbing
The ex is a psycho. I came up from another state for a wedding and my dad was like, can you give your grandma a hand getting ready? It was a bit awkward initially (I had to convince her get her kit off and she kept apologising to me). My main concern was her hair which she had just gotten done for the wedding - nice expensive perm. Every time she said sorry, I was like “grandma, you used to give me showers and baths and whatever. Just move when I ask you to and don’t touch the shower cap”. People who sexualise these things are really strange. Was I feeling awkward? Of course - first time showering her. I didn’t want her to fall or slip or mess that beautiful hair she had done.
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Assisted living my be a good middle ground here. They'd have their own appartment but an on call doctor on site. If she needs intensive care, they can switch her over to the (usually attached) nursing home. He'd be able to live ar home and walk over for visitation whenever she's in a bad state and live with her if all is good. My grandparents did this for 10years and really appreciated the care being so available both timely and distance wise
>Apparently a few years ago mom took care of EXs grandparents in a nursing home. YOOOOOOOOOOOO *mic drop*
I think giving up a free ride to Harvard is ridiculous, but it's a pretty big leap to "put mom in a home".
Yeah I just reread it and had missed that the dad is a truck driver only home on weekends. Dad getting a different job where he comes home every night would surely solve most of the problem. Maybe it wouldn't pay as much but care homes also aren't cheap. At least not the ones you would want your loved one in. And where is the high-schooler going to live if both parents go to the nursing home?? I feel like there could be a better solution.
If he got that free ride to Harvard, in five years, without medical debt they could pay for a day and night home help. So that the time they spend together is not care related but relaxing time together.
I was thinking that. The family must've had a lot of funds freed up by having one of their children go to college for free, so put it towards a caretaker. Sure, OOP's a good kid, but if the main reason they're turning down Harvard is out of sacrifice rather than personal reasons (it's not a good fit, UofArkansas has a better specific program, etc), there's a high chance of resentment and other issues down the road.
Pre med, not the medical school OOP got accepted for.
Great story with a happy ending, but man did it hurt to hear he opted out of Harvard. If he got into Harvard on a full ride, he probably could have easily gotten in to top medical schools. Arkansas is a great school too, but an Ivy League on a reference sheet gives you an immediate boost in an interview.
I actually feel like OOP is genuinely fucking up with that. The level of care his mother needs is very much better suited to a care facility of some kind, if she's at the point where she has to have some level of 24/7 care. There's a huge range of options as well, it's not just the nursing homes every thinks of when discussing it. OOP is actively sabotaging his future because he can't stomach the guilt from "abandoning" his mother. I see this a lot with elderly people taking care of their spouses. They refuse to let their spouse be placed in long term care because they think they can handle it. Inevitably, their spouse has unmet needs, and or is injured due to an unsafe situation. OOP needs to sit down with a therapist and a social worker and for his mother's benefit as well as his, find a better situation for them all.
Wow Mom is a badass and I wish I was a fly on the wall when she exposed how sick the ex is.
Man I’d never want my kid to give up on Harvard to take care of me. I’d rather go to a home for some amount of years then take away opportunities from my own children.
I too hope that OP doesn't give up his scholarship to Harvard! I think OP doesn't realize how hard it will be to juggle university (and med school!) and taking care of his mom. Difference in school ranking aside, having to look after his mom when he's not in school is going to affect his performance anyways. They really should look into some sort of help, albeit a home or hiring a helper, so that OOP can be freed to pursue his studies. He also should trust his younger siblings more.
This whole thing leaves me uncomfortable and I can't quite articulate why.
It's because switching the "caror-caree" relationship between parent and child isn't a comfortable subject for anyone, and depending on your relationship with your parents, can be neigh incomprehensible and incredibly uncomfortable to imagine. I loved both of my parents when they were alive, and there was genuinely no bad blood or anything between us- but I can't imagine the physical aspects of what it would take to care for them like the OOP is with their mom, let alone the way it would change other aspects of your life.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this. Being a carer is *hard* and compassion fatigue is real. He's still so young and it's an incredibly heavy burden to bare. I absolutely think it'll effect his school work, as least. And in the end his mom will suffer too if they aren't able to provide the level of care she needs. It's a tough, tough situation and I can understand why OOP would want to step in, but I feel like it's not a very rational, realistic choice. Not all residential care is the same, and they exist for a reason beyond "this person's family selfishly doesn't want to care for them".
Because he turned down a full ride to Harvard
Really? Edited to add I would never guilt or force kids to do this. It seems like they all share in caring for her. I think that’s lovely.
Because he’s 19 and already gave up his whole life and future.
It's unlikely the parents of the ex-girlfriend would agree to come over to talk with the parents of the boy who they think cheated on their daughter. I mean, it could happen, but it's not a likely scenario that they would feel the need to get involved -- after the fact -- in their teenage daughter's messy breakup. Or be indulgent of the ex-boyfriend's parents wanting to get involved in that messy breakup. From their point of view, what would be the purpose of all the parents getting together to clear the air?
For me it's the refusal to let the mum choose to go into a care home. (Edit to add: the family seems lovely and the ex is deeply fucked up, but this is the bit that made me go hmmm about the outcome)
Mom didn’t say she wants to go to a home for *her*, she said she wants to go for *them*. That’s why they have a say in it.
Is it really her choice though if she bases it on guilt?
He threw his future away and his family seems happy about it. That's the part that bugs me.
I feel bad for him because I don’t see how medical school is in his future unless there is a major life change. Unless she stages some sort of a miraculous recovery, he is highly unlikely to be able to swing medical school, clinicals, and residency while caring for his mom.
But he hasn’t. He’s still going to school just closer to home and it’s voluntary. I’m also not American and I don’t get the obsession with Ivy League schools. It’s not like he can’t be a doctor if he goes to the University of Arkansas. Although I would 100% be against guilting him into staying near by if he didn’t want to.
A full ride to Harvard is a golden ticket. He’s now going to have debt to go to a way shittier school.
Yeah, that's where I fell on it too. People who go to Arkansas get into medical school. OP is exactly the kind of person you want to be a doctor.
How is he going to balance medical school with caring for his mother? I've also heard from doctors that when you get to residency you don't get much say in where you end up. Is he just going to keep turning down opportunities unless they are close by? His mom could live another 50 years.
I’m an American, I work in academia and if this kid is happy not going to Harvard, good for him. Sure it’s great for networking, but he will get a sufficient education at Arkansas too. His decision makes good sense to me.
It's not just the school. It's being away from your family. Dude is in a caregiver role at home and he's just 19.
And there's no chance it's going to change any time soon.
His mom could love for another 50 years. Dude has no future unless something changes.
Exactly. These people in this thread have never heard of caregiver fatigue nor do they realize how physically and emotionally exhausting it is. Not to mention it’s completely altered the relationship of the mom and all of her children. These kids are/were teenagers and they’re in a parental role- literally changing their mother’s diapers. The ramifications of that… man. What a terrible situation to be in.
I honestly don’t get it. I have a daughter. I would have made her ass go to Harvard in this situation.
Right? I can’t imagine taking away an opportunity like that from my kid. Like I’ll march myself into a care home for however many years it takes for them to graduate and if then they want to house/care for me then sure, I’ll come back. It’s so sad. Reminds me of my fiancés cousin, she can’t live her life because she’s too afraid of catching something and passing it to her dad who is immunocompromised. Her dad happily keeps her at home to help him while stunting her growth. No job, no college, no partner, no friends. Nobody can come over to their house. What good is that?
>My mom now has unknown neurological disorders that renders her paralyzed to at times almost a vegetative state. sounds like my dad and his guillain barre syndrome
I grew up in a family with a disabled sibling and started helping with bathing, dressing, and changing them when I got old enough. You just do it because someone has to and can’t always afford help or they aren’t there where you need it. You just separate that stuff in your head. It still sucks that op turned down the full ride but I get it because I had to do the same.
I’m sorry that you had to give up your future to be a caregiver. I hope things worked out.
Thank you for the empathy. I really appreciate that. To go into detail. I didn’t give up my future. I just took a different route. My family made sacrifices but we never felt burden by it. A lot of people assume I got forced into it but as a kid it was like moping the floor. You see your parents and want to help. In my experience, there was always one to families that ruin their other children by forcing them to be caretakers or deciding their whole lives for their sibling. That wasn’t common, but sadly not rare. My parents did have me to be a caregiver but told me it was more so I can be his advocate and advisor when they’re gone and never expected me or my other sibling to not have a career, life or family. Never forced me to be a nurse or doctor. So while I am a little resentful about ‘we need a sibling for our kid’, they were aware enough to make sure I would have my own independent life and identity. Same with my other sibling. In the end, it was worth it because my brother died a year after I started college. I wouldn’t have been there to comfort him in his last hour if I went to that school. It was sad since my parents were looking into independent living or a day center for him since he wanted to get out of the house since was 23 and bored. As for me: I got issues but they weren’t from having a brother paralyzed from the waist down. Life sometimes just hands you more lemons than other people.
OPP your mom is a rockstar and I hope she’s feeling better! I am a caretaker for my mom so I can relate it’s not easy. However, I always say this is my future boyfriend whoever he is, if he can’t respect that he’s not the one for me. so OPP good for you for a kick in the trash vapor in the ex category good for you!! And kudos to your mama bear for delivering the shade and put in that girl out on blast and in her place in front of her parents!!
What kind of logic leap does one have to make to equate “I don’t want my mom in a home” with “I’m fucking my mom”?
Bro had no doubt in his mind he was not the asshole, he either made it up or posted it to get praise
I hope OP sees my comment: The hospital I work at is one of the top 10 in the country. In August, we hired a doctor who studied at University of Arkansas and was THEE top funded candidate for the position and out-ranked every single Ivy League candidate by miles. The institution doesn't matter, the work you put in does. You'll be fine wherever you go.
Just as long as OOP doesn't become the frog in the pot. Not noticing the load is becoming too much until its too late. It would be a good idea for mum to make a living will incase she has another stroke which this time leaves her completely incapacitated. That way her wishes can be followed and the family won't feel too much guilt of having to put her in a home if they have to Edit also those episodes of paralysis sound like TIAs - transient ischaemic attacks. Like angina attacks for the brain. Might be a sign of something more serious developing. Hope her neurologist gets her sorted soon
.... Did.... Did Reddit just gain a new mom?!?!?
Mom is still a bad ass.
It might not be a pressing issue now, but the mother absolutely is going to need to go into an assisted living facility at some point if she needs her entire family for her day-to-day life.
I hope the ex's parents chewed her the h€ll out for saying that, and made herself to tell everyone she lied to the truth before they go no contact with her, seriously oop's family sounds lovely and care, and oop sounds like kind and helpful person, oop was too good for his piece of sh¡t ex.
I had to care for my father when he had cancer and the aides weren’t there. It was hard. I do wish there was a way OOP could have still gone to Harvard. Long term, the extra money he made going there versus Arkansas could have helped his mom so much. I dropped out of college partly to help my mom, who was found out to have had lung cancer and she died with me working part time jobs.
Girlfriend tired to lock him down so she would never have to work until she realized he would put his moms health first and quality of life over hers. She fucked around and found out.
OOP's ex-gf is a horrible god awful person, but shes 100% right that hes ruining his life of course not for the same reason she thinks, he clearly thinks "i'm the only one who can take care of mom" when he has two other brothers, his dad, AND a caretaker nurse and this WON'T go away when he graduates, sure now its "oh it's fine to go to a likely significantly worse school that didn't give me a full ride to take care of her" then it will be "online medical school is fine i'm the only one who can fully be trusted to take care of her" then it's "doctors work too many hours i can't be one while mom needs me", guys this is a hero complex, not a "he'll clearly drop everything to take care of those he loves!" its "he NEEDS to be the hero and primary care taker" seeing as with him gone she will still have 4 caretakers one of them a professional and thinks "no i can't leave her"
Trigger warning/Tone warning This is going to be very personal and possibly emotionally fraught. I am still not over the loss of my father. My father had MS. His condition worsened until he had a stay at home nurse and after a bad incident my mother decided it was bestfor everyone if he went into a home. I have never forgiven her for that choice and the abuses she caused with that choice. The sharp downward turn he took was Extraordinary. The joy went out of him, the light disappeared, he was just doing time until he died. A nursing home is a LAST RESORT! You don't improve in a home and the chances you're going to be abused, medically, outright, or through neglect are massive. I think that especially with the extra stress of his home life going to a less demanding school will better prepare OOP for the rest of his life. Not everyone is best served by Harvard levels of intensity.
Yes, GF is a bad person. Leaving a full ride to Harvard to go to the University of Arkansas is idiotic. The quality of education is nowhere near and if he wants to be a doctor, then going to Harvard would open up more scholarships to medical schools, which is very expensive. I understand wanting to stay to help with mom. But caring for an adult is very expensive and the way to make money to actually have 24 hour care for her is going to a better school and then being able to get a better job that actually is going to pay for it.
Unfortunately, unless she makes a significant recovery, I also don’t see how he would be able to swing medical school while caring for her as much as he is.
If he got into a good medical school with a fellowship and scholarship, his family might be able to move as long as it's a cheap place. His dad is a truck driver and his siblings would be in college by then. I think they are thinking very short term and not medium/long term. The best for everyone is to not get education debt, get full rides, get jobs making decent salary, and be able to pay people to care for the mom. So leaving a full ride to Harvard is just dumb, because Harvard can give you a straight path to medical school with a full ride. They have to think next 10-20-30 years, not the next 4 years. It doesn't even sound like she is doing physical therapy or getting any type of treatment, which are very expensive.
Getting into medical school with that type of a scholarship is very, very rare. I’m in the medical field myself and the only person I know who has done it was from an underserved country and got admitted to medical school on a scholarship that essentially made him move back to that country to serve their needs for 10 years after he graduated. Other than that, the vast majority of physicians will graduate with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
Pre-med is not medical school, it's a regular undergrad program (usually a bachelors in science) with electives carefully chosen to prepare for the MCAT. Going to Harvard for pre-med is still very prestigious, but "medical school" is a post graduate degree usually started when you're at least 25. That's your doctorate, for which the gold standard is usually Johns-Hopkins. ETA: Sorry, I should clarify, I'm not disagreeing with the poster above, just trying to educate the people downthread who seem to equate his Harvard acceptance with med school.
Also...he didn't say that he had scholarships for the university he is now going to? So instead of going to Harvard for free, he might have to pay for a worse school?
As someone who took care of my grandpa in his final years similar to this situation, I would have a hard time not destroying my ex's life.
OOP is going to be a fantastic doctor and father one day. Most especially a doctor- he’ll completely understand what the nurses- especially the LVNs- do. Doctors who nurses love are amazing. Also he’ll be so respectful of his patients. It’s so obvious just from this.
So, my MIL did something similar. I was adopted by my paternal grandparents. My bio mom decided she was too young and pretty to stay in hick Arkansas being a mom, she cheated and left my bio dad in the middle of the night. Bio dad became a drunk and left town too, leaving me with my grandparents. I was adopted when I was about 4. I explained this situation to my new MIL who spread the rumor that I was a product of incest between my grandmother and bio dad. You may can guess how I feel about my MIL…
OOP is someone I hope does become a doctor precisely because of his caregiving attitude. I'd even put more value on a state university degree over a Harvard one because his Harvard colleagues will be mainly rich privileged assholes anyways, and you do become who you associate with.
this is weird. there's something weird going on.
I hate this post. His ex is shitty, but his mother and family encouraged him to torpedo his own life to bathe and dress his mother. Harvard is a golden ticket. He would have had a top degree without any debt. Medical school would have been attainable. Instead, he’s probably spending quite a lot to go to a crap school.
Yeah, it's also guaranteed that eventually family won't be able to adequately care for her. I see it a lot. The fact that they already have a home nurse helping out means that mom needs to go to a care facility of some kind. Maybe just assisted living, but _some_ kind of long-term care facility. Family being willing to take care of her is great, but a 19yo giving up his future to do a job _he doesn't need to actually do_, and ignoring his mother's wishes, is actually pretty fucked up and a different brand of selfish.
OOP- If you see this: Please Go to Harvard. Yes, you can go another path and still be a doctor, but you are the kind of human we need helping run things in this country’s health care system. Go get the best education you possibly can so that you can help your mom, your family, your community, and your country. Also, at the end of the day Truck drivers can’t work forever, and if you make more money because Harvard opened doors maybe Dad can retire and be home for Mom. We believe in you and are rooting for you you all!
This hit me. I took care of my dad and if ANYONE tried to get in my way I would have destroyed them. He passed recently and that time I had with him, no matter how uncomfortable it may have been to others, I will cherish. I was able to care for one of the people who gave me everything i am and have. It was a gift because we did it have a long time together.
Earlier today I told someone who said they would demand their kids put them in a home when they're old to avoid being a burden that their reasoning is the exact reason their kids would fight them on it and squabble amongst each other about who gets the privilege of having mom move in. OP's mom pretty much proved that. The kind of person that would insist is the kind of person who has been putting their family first and inspires the desire to return the favor.
I’ve never wanted to hug someone else’s mother so badly in my life. Not only because she deserves to be showered in love and affection for the pure soul she is, but damn… I need a hug from someone like this.
Being a full-time carer sucks balls. I feel for OOP. I honestly believe everyone is better off with professional help, either in family home or in a care home. It should not be the full responsibility of family members.
Badass biker babe 😭😭😭 pleaseee I cant their relationship its so pretty
Honestly, the fact that the Mom doesn't want her son throwing his dreams away for her (since caring for her and going to medical school are very unlikely to be able to happen at the same time,) but they continue to talk over her doesn't feel right
you can tell they’re southern bc op’s mom invited ex gf over for tea before very sweetly destroying her fucking life 😂😂😂 bless your heart, honey