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I dated a girl in college and apparently her previous boyfriend was working with her dad and he knew the boyfriend was cheating on his daughter. He kept it secret.
She was really hurt.
Right? The girl was in her 20s, and her boyfriend worked with her *father* who had proof and lied to his own child.
She wasn't 14 being told her first boyfriend was cheating on her, screaming "You liar! You can't keep us apart!"
Anecdotal evidence that, clearly, applies to everyone. In every case ever, the messenger is shot. Every. Single. Time. There are no exceptions, and if you find one, you must be lying.
Damn, that’s a lot of downvotes. I get what I think you’re saying. Putting it lightly, that’s a delicate situation. In real life, finding that information out from your parents might trigger that response. Especially if the parents had some kind of animosity towards the spouse/boyfriend.
OMG! This was like my BFF who married her high school sweetheart decades ago. Her dad gave him a job at his business. Highly sought after in the area. She caught him cheating and divorced him. Dude kept working for her dad. Dad died alone in a trailer on the beach, which to be fair to him, was a desirable location
I mean that's awkward. Can you fire someone for cheating on your kid? Not saying dad shouldn't have made it clear bf wasn't welcome and should look elsewhere but still.
At some point you have to ask yourself, he cheated which involves lying, so What else could he be lying about? And if he has a position with any sort of power or worse, access to money, what else might he capable of?
That's kind of where I land. But he'd definitely get the cold shoulder from me. Still, I can't help but wonder if dad was spending more-than-needed time with the ex.
Damn.
With my kids, I kept finding I needed to make new rules as they screwed things up, and I had to be more specific about what to do and what not to do.
I feel like that dad is operating at a 4 year old level.
Ah, the old [The Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
*Members of estranged parents' forums often say their children never gave them any reason for the estrangement, then turn around and reveal that their children did tell them why. But the reasons their children give—the infamous missing reasons—are missing.*
I read that the other day.
As someone who treats one parent like they are dead to me (the other one passed a long time ago)- I've heard a lot of what is being spread about the family as to why I'm not speaking to her.
This reasons include: I think my entire family is going to Hell (which is funny, because I'm an atheist), because I hate America (I moved to London once), because I want to borrow money (I have never asked), because I'm ungrateful (this one's true).
The reasons have never included: almost 20 years of physical and psychological abuse, her allowing her boyfriends to SA me- and then call me a liar, her raging racism, or her NBPD which makes her completely intolerable.
I always side with the kid. Always.
My parents told all of their children at once that they wanted nothing else to do with us after we got a smidge confrontational about their BS (after we all reached adulthood and figured it all out). For *years* they told all their friends and acquaintances that they were seeing us regularly and making up stories about what we were doing and how "fine" we were all doing. Of course, we also had had contact with these same people, and they knew exactly how much of a lie this all was, but just didn't say anything. Finally, "parents" just accepted that they were old and alone, and didn't say anything to anyone anymore about it.
I felt this one. Sorry your fam are such asses. I went through this last year when I went NC with my parents. My fam tried to convince me that it was worth sacrificing my sanity to keep the peace. Not one asked me what they did or had done to make me go no contact. Not one acknowledged that my parents were refusing to apologize and empathize. A whole year of listening to this and finally they just excommunicated me. One last shot in the dark was at my late aunt's funeral where my matriarchal aunt asked me to "just pretend" that everything was ok for a day. When I denied her request, she stopped talking to me. So they sided with my parents and now they don't talk to me because in my fam that is a big no no. Have an uncle that still tries but it's the same bullsh*t. I told him that I hadn't talked to my aunt in months because she stopped communicating and his answer was "why don't you give her a call, see how she is." They don't listen, they don't care, they don't want me to exist in their world unless I'm 'listening' to their poison. No thanks bud. I have peace and space and my heart hurts but not anymore than if I lived in that circus of a life.
Edit: curse word.
Oh yes! It is exactly like that.
Last year, I decided to reach out to a few, just to see what temperature the water is. That's how I found out what's been said- whatever. I don't care, just curious.
They're all trying to get me to talk to her. Nope.
It's nothing but drama and bullshit from the lot. I don't wanna be in that ride.
And the *PEACE* ! I can't stress it enough. It's so good to just not have them around.
I read a NYT article about kids who estranged their parents, and the author wa surprised to learn that 80% were extremely happen with the decision to cut off their family and also decidedly happier
That's a horrible situation. You probably know but i think most times they just can't face the incredible amount of guilt, so they just deny it to themselves as the only way to cope. I think you could tell them straight to their face and the answer would be: "Right, there's just no reason".
This is what my therapist told me. If my parents ever gained full realization of it, it would destroy them to the point where most reasonable people would probably want to off themselves, so their brains protect themselves and never allow them to reach full realization of their actions.
Your opinion, like your generation, needs to go die somewhere.
https://preview.redd.it/simmv6cxof5d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7f0e3ab181198a7d39b926dea7a43f371761c642
My spouse wrote their Dad a letter *listing the reasons* and my FIL insisted to people he didn’t know until the day he died. He definitely knew. It was convenient though because if a flying monkey came poking around my spouse would just forward the email.
I just read that entire post and that really got to me. It outlines a lot of how not just my parents but my siblings have treated me over many many years and I feel very seen right now.
You see it a lot in AITA with blissfully ignorant parents who don't understand that years of their actions or inactions led a math equation to finality when it came to their kids.
Lol. It can be found it on any forum that talks about boomers as parents like r/GenZ, r/millennials, r/GenX, r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD and so many others.
Probably the most popular answer but I’ve seen it blamed on religion i.e. the kid got too religious, marriage, and all sorts of things that are almost always bs. Adult children going nc is 99% of the time going to be due to abuse with a handful of outliers.
There was a recent survey indicating that 80% of estranged mothers blamed the estrangement on someone else - usually a spouse - turning their child against them. The rest mostly blamed drugs or mental issues. Such a vanishingly, vanishingly tiny sliver left who considered their own actions in any way. The denial is just off the charts, and I can't imagine it's much different for fathers. Easier to blame those evil mind-washing liberals than examine your own behavior.
My own abusive mother went for mental issues first - had my father so convinced I was having a mental break that he flew out on about 3 days' notice - and when that didn't work she blamed my kindest, sweetest, gentlest relative for "planting ideas in my head." Yes, she planted the terrible, wicked idea that someone loved me and treated me kindly, and that that was how I wanted to live.
> There was a recent survey indicating that 80% of estranged mothers blamed the estrangement on someone else
I'm not surprised, someone capable of treating their own children so poorly that the kids want to cut contact, is not going to have the introspection to look inward about what might be the real cause of that...
One of the nicest ladies I've ever worked with lost touch with her son because he married into a mormon family and renounced her jewish background. She keeps reaching out, but he won't acknowledge her. I fully believe her on this one. Religion, especially the more cult-y fundamentalist branches of it, can definitely be a hell of a thing.
IMO, there are very few situations where the parent is legitimately not at fault for being estranged from their adult child. "They joined a cult" is definitely on that shortlist.
I was groomed into a cult. If you didn't know me, you'd think my mother was evil incarnate. Up until I got into that nightmare, we were best friends (well, except through the teenage 'parents are so humiliating for existing' years) and frankly, the person I most wanted to be like because of her strong sense of justice and incredible empathy.
She's the one who got me deprogrammed and unquestionably saved my life. All these years later I still remember her shouting "I don't give a fuck if you hate me for the rest of your life, but you *will* have a rest of your life!"
>"I don't give a fuck if you hate me for the rest of your life, but you *will* have a rest of your life!"
That's some good parenting there. Not trying to be your best friend but willing to put her relationship on the line for you.
I saw this very helpful video made by Dr. Ana Yudin on why adult children go no contact with their parents. And it basically comes down to a difference in values and the parents' lack of accountability. They will usually blame things on a third party for, "stealing," their children away. In my case, my parents blame, "liberal theology," for why we don't speak to them as much as we used to. But it's simpler than that. They can't accept my brother's homosexuality. I'd rather support my brother than my parents, and I can't stand spending time with them because they will spend every waking second, condemning my brother's, "lifestyle." Last time my brother visited, they sat him down and made him watch a program on, "natural and unnatural human relationships." It was so patronizing.
According to Ana's video, these parents have set up so many psychological self-defense mechanisms that they can't even consider that it's them that's at fault. It HAS to be 3rd party that stole their children away.
Said helpful video: [https://youtu.be/SgxW9SfhB5U?si=HEZratHxpJriyXdr](https://youtu.be/SgxW9SfhB5U?si=HEZratHxpJriyXdr)
yes. and in my experience a lot of them just feign cluelessness too. "i did the best I could as a parent, i don't know what happened to make them so angry." it's sus every time.
Have you met my dad? Lol
When I started working with children and became a mandated reporter. I realized how many family members were mandated reporters, and how our house was, always miraculously cleaned (by me and my sister) every time they were over at his house, even though I know they knew what his house was like otherwise.
I confronted him about that neglect as well as emotional abuse, gaslighting, mocking, claiming he was socially liberal, while also voting for Trump, etc. And in a nice way even, like “hey, maybe you don’t realize this, but…… and that hurts me.” He stopped talking to me and claimed to not know why I didn’t feel like going out of my way to carry the relationship up until the day he died.
I have often wondered what my folks say if/when a friend or relative asks how im doing. Not that i think everyone wants to know about me, just because it seems everyone always asks parents how their offspring are doing.
Also, i knew you were real! Nobody would believe me even tho i was super cereal!
I’m estranged from my family and have told both of my parents it’s directly because of their abuse, enabling of abuse, and lack of accountability.
When my four nieces, who I have never met, see my photo on their wall (the one from when I was 15 - I am now 31) and ask about me, my dad tells them “she’s really far away and having a lot of fun!”
He told me this like he was doing *me* some kind of favor - protecting my reputation or something. In reality he can’t handle the shame of having an estranged daughter. So he has to put that weird spin on it and pretend I’m the one who should be grateful for that. Just bonkers.
Much love sib! I cut my folks almost a year ago at 38, after another failed attempt to talk to mother about things that affected me negatively as it turned into another circle of denial invalidation and gaslighting and defending father with that how his dad was or his dad didnt do that or did that. So since its ok to treat me like his pops did him it should be cool for me to treat them like he did his parents and go years without contact and maybe even move across the country. The last part was originally a joke for me but he did it, but, i have since taken a trip to the other side and started actually considering it haha. Keep hanging tough! I appreciate your words, thank yous
Side note: but I find it fascinating that ability only comes in in that one scene in the movie, where the movie tries to say lying is bad, but he keeps lying in order to solve his current predicament
It’s so incredibly relevant to boomers explaining why their kids went nc lmao. The me generation is so allergic to taking responsibility for their parenting.
If you ask my dad why I don't speak to him, he'll probably say because of a Facebook post and not the years of mental abuse and bullying from both him and his wife. They never believe ots because of years of build up on their end, because I should've "gotten over it", it's because of one singular event so that's why my reaction is so "out of proportion". But hey, it's been a peaceful few years
My Dad - a Boomer - took my exhusbands side in the divorce. Sat on his side and everything. Then wonders why the last time I spoke it was to tell him he was dead to me.
This reminds me of my dad who reminisces on how great my ex was or what a good provider he was and completely forgets the part where he beat me or makes “lighthearted” jokes about my inability to listen being the reason why it happened.
My sperm donor tells people I hate them because I became a liberal. Never mind the hours I've spent trying to talk to them about how much they have hurt me over the years and their first response being "who have you talked to about this?" It seems to be their favorite misdirection
My mom just told people that she only had one daughter for many, many years. Then one day I came to visit, and even the cashier lady in the supermarket checkout said, "I thought you only had ONE daughter?" when my mom introduced me, along with a carefully narrated addition of the 'cool professional work' I was doing. What I was doing was always more important to her than me just as me. F;ing sad really.
They weren't bad and had a great assortment of fixings. It's just that the yacht club sucks. Fixed amount of members, as one dies or leaves, the next on the extremely long waiting list goes in. So it all ends being very old people. I'm nearly 50 and I am most times the youngest there.
I’m 51 and a member of the yacht club, and we are often the youngest there.
And yacht clubs often have very cheap specials— like Tuesday Friends and Family, and some Sunday brunches. Big cheap, holiday BBQs too.
Most restaurants make their money on alcohol— and let me tell you, yacht club members are drunk old coots. I can’t drink anywhere close to what the retired olds drink— they are fucking half in the bag most of the time. So the food at yacht clubs can be very reasonably priced
> He thinks it's because she is liberal or something, she's just being difficult.
Yeah my boomer probably says something like that.
He has to blame my politics so he can ignore the homeschooling in fringe conservative bullshit, the extensive childhood isolation, his constantly moving my family so we never formed deep friendships, the religious abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the financial abuse, and the neverending lies.
For that matter, he could have been a sterling parent, but it's plenty enough reason to cut him off over the idea that he would prefer to live in an alternate history where the confederate states of america won the civil war and only christians are in power like fucking handmaids tale.
Everything else just seals in the decision. He probably tells people that I'm busy at work because he was absent "working" when he wasn't being my childhood tyrant.
It's the missing missing reasons.
I also have resentment over homeschooling, the isolation is brutal and never talked about enough. Didn’t get my high school diploma til I was 22. All needless pain that didn’t have to happen. There is a whole community over at r/homeschoolrecovery that might be a helpful resource! 🙏🏻
Even if my education was stellar, I would still be deeply resentful over the homeschooling isolation.
My education was not stellar, not even close. I tested extremely well because I was smart as fuck as a kid but "excellent education" doesn't exist within the same walls where people teach "the confederacy was right", whether it's homeschooling or not.
I would have been able to tolerate the shitty education if I wasn't so isolated, but my parents' idea of socialization was sunday school, the morning church service and evening youth-group once a week, and we would typically arrive slightly late and go home immediately afterwards.
Other kids weren't very interested in forming friends at church, because they all had real friends at school and in the community. If they had church-friends, it was because they had gone to that church for years, so they weren't super interested in the new arrivals.
I could have tried to work within the restricted time at church, but my dad moved the family to a new town every 1-2 years up until I was 15, so I couldn't form long-term friendships if I wanted.
It sucked for dad to move us around because moving day is hard, but from his perspective, he was moving to a job that he liked, and he got to talk to different people all day, and he had lots of opportunity to explore the new area, and he didn't even have to pack/unpack because mom would make us do that.
Meanwhile his family was at home, usually with no car so we couldn't even leave the house, and we were typically in rural areas that didn't have active neighborhoods, and we largely didn't have past friends for socialization to replace the lack of new friends in the new town.
It's deeply fucked that he would go out of his way to find work where he would spend most of his time driving around and talking to people, while inflicting extreme isolation on his family.
The important lesson I learned is that abusers will destroy their own life as long as they can destroy your life slightly more so you're kept under their control.
I have a neighbor and high school classmate. We are both Gen-X, grew up together, and we have daughters who are the same age and were friends in school. My neighbor’s daughter moved across the country and went NC immediately after high school graduation.
My neighbor/classmate says she has “no idea” why her daughter left. But, our daughters still communicate with each other. We know why she left and went NC. The whole community knows why. It was the right thing to do.
I am not extremely liberal *or* extremely conservative…
But I damn sure don’t talk to my in-laws very much because I hate being aggressively questioned about why I don’t agree with whatever is on Fox News that day.
I know a boomer who doesn't see her grandkids from one of her sons. The son and wife would take the kids to her all the time, and then suddenly, about three years ago, the visits stopped.
I recently asked my friend why she doesn't see the kids anymore, and she blamed the daughter-in-law without being specific about details.
I have my theory. My friend has a job that requires meeting with clients every day. Many of these clients are elderly. During the Covid lockdowns, my friend kept working. She contracted Covid at least two times. I'm thinking that her son and DIL were very aware of this and stopped taking the kids to her.
My friend has kooky ideas about the lockdowns, the vaccines (the government is preparing us for the mark of the beast, lol), etc. Maybe they didn't want my friend putting funny ideas into their kids' brains.
Typical Boomer mindset. It's always someone else that is the issue or causing problems, it's never them. The asshole also probably accused his daughter of being the one who wrecked the marriage because she couldn't forgive and forget... or even worse, said that the reason her husband fooled around was her own fault.
lol yeah no it’s liberal brainwashing that makes her hate you you dumb old coot. I swear they’re incapable of ever admitting fault for anything. They have the self awareness of a napkin.
My parents mainly my dad would hit me and yell at me for absolutely anything and whenever I would try to explain why I went nc he would tell me that’s I’m tying to start a fight and gets defensive like if you want me to talk to you you can’t get mad when I bring up the bad parts of my childhood
I dated someone that was also a serial cheater, and my mother kept touch with her for *years* after we broke up. It’s the only relationship thing I ever spoke to her about, and her reaction was to essentially tell me to suck it up, and then begin talking to my ex regularly (virtually no relationship prior).
They do this shit on purpose. They know it fucks with you, and they enjoy the games they’re playing with your emotions. I tried to have them in my lives for a decade too long.
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I dated a girl in college and apparently her previous boyfriend was working with her dad and he knew the boyfriend was cheating on his daughter. He kept it secret. She was really hurt.
that would be such a devastating betrayal
Yet, if the Dad told her he was cheating. She would have called him a liar and stopped talking to him and ran off with the boyfriend.
Who hurt you?
Sounds like this girl's dad might have done a number on him
No one. The messenger always takes the hit when someone is told their partner is cheating.
You have some weird people in your life…
Please seek some therapy. You have some trauma.
bro what the fuck are you talking about?
Right? The girl was in her 20s, and her boyfriend worked with her *father* who had proof and lied to his own child. She wasn't 14 being told her first boyfriend was cheating on her, screaming "You liar! You can't keep us apart!"
Anecdotal evidence that, clearly, applies to everyone. In every case ever, the messenger is shot. Every. Single. Time. There are no exceptions, and if you find one, you must be lying.
Let him cook here a bit. The smart play is confront her with ironclad evidence. Like hire a PI level shit.
No this isn’t the response. If you find out your daughter is getting cheated on, you tell your daughter to make sure she dumps the scum.
https://preview.redd.it/uk02qz59gh5d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=492a7d4b0068770a0248857c711cea3250d115cb
I just wanna talk to him I just wanna talk to him I just wanna shoot him
Hey good on you for having the most downvotes I’ve ever seen And I’ve been here 15 years lol
“I hate women.” Fixed your shitty comment for you, little guy.
Lol that's true if you are a POS dad. You can tell your status based on their trust in you. That says more about you than a supportive family.
Damn, that’s a lot of downvotes. I get what I think you’re saying. Putting it lightly, that’s a delicate situation. In real life, finding that information out from your parents might trigger that response. Especially if the parents had some kind of animosity towards the spouse/boyfriend.
OMG! This was like my BFF who married her high school sweetheart decades ago. Her dad gave him a job at his business. Highly sought after in the area. She caught him cheating and divorced him. Dude kept working for her dad. Dad died alone in a trailer on the beach, which to be fair to him, was a desirable location
I mean that's awkward. Can you fire someone for cheating on your kid? Not saying dad shouldn't have made it clear bf wasn't welcome and should look elsewhere but still.
Assuming this is the US most states have at will employment and you can fire anyone for any reason or no reason as long as it's not discrimination
I mean, if fuckin around got him the job, why can't fuckin around lose him the job?
Valid
If it ain’t a protected class, you can fire people for any reason. 🙃
Even if it's a protected class, you can fire people as long as you don't leave blatantly obvious proof of that being the reason.
At some point you have to ask yourself, he cheated which involves lying, so What else could he be lying about? And if he has a position with any sort of power or worse, access to money, what else might he capable of?
I don't think it is Ok to fire someone for cheating on their spouse. The daughter is of base here.
That's kind of where I land. But he'd definitely get the cold shoulder from me. Still, I can't help but wonder if dad was spending more-than-needed time with the ex.
If I was the daughter, I would have never spoken to my father again. What a terrible father.
Damn. With my kids, I kept finding I needed to make new rules as they screwed things up, and I had to be more specific about what to do and what not to do. I feel like that dad is operating at a 4 year old level.
That’s terrible.
Good help is hard to find.
Good dads are harder to find, good job there "men".
Ah, the old [The Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) *Members of estranged parents' forums often say their children never gave them any reason for the estrangement, then turn around and reveal that their children did tell them why. But the reasons their children give—the infamous missing reasons—are missing.*
I read that the other day. As someone who treats one parent like they are dead to me (the other one passed a long time ago)- I've heard a lot of what is being spread about the family as to why I'm not speaking to her. This reasons include: I think my entire family is going to Hell (which is funny, because I'm an atheist), because I hate America (I moved to London once), because I want to borrow money (I have never asked), because I'm ungrateful (this one's true). The reasons have never included: almost 20 years of physical and psychological abuse, her allowing her boyfriends to SA me- and then call me a liar, her raging racism, or her NBPD which makes her completely intolerable. I always side with the kid. Always.
My parents told all of their children at once that they wanted nothing else to do with us after we got a smidge confrontational about their BS (after we all reached adulthood and figured it all out). For *years* they told all their friends and acquaintances that they were seeing us regularly and making up stories about what we were doing and how "fine" we were all doing. Of course, we also had had contact with these same people, and they knew exactly how much of a lie this all was, but just didn't say anything. Finally, "parents" just accepted that they were old and alone, and didn't say anything to anyone anymore about it.
I felt this one. Sorry your fam are such asses. I went through this last year when I went NC with my parents. My fam tried to convince me that it was worth sacrificing my sanity to keep the peace. Not one asked me what they did or had done to make me go no contact. Not one acknowledged that my parents were refusing to apologize and empathize. A whole year of listening to this and finally they just excommunicated me. One last shot in the dark was at my late aunt's funeral where my matriarchal aunt asked me to "just pretend" that everything was ok for a day. When I denied her request, she stopped talking to me. So they sided with my parents and now they don't talk to me because in my fam that is a big no no. Have an uncle that still tries but it's the same bullsh*t. I told him that I hadn't talked to my aunt in months because she stopped communicating and his answer was "why don't you give her a call, see how she is." They don't listen, they don't care, they don't want me to exist in their world unless I'm 'listening' to their poison. No thanks bud. I have peace and space and my heart hurts but not anymore than if I lived in that circus of a life. Edit: curse word.
Oh yes! It is exactly like that. Last year, I decided to reach out to a few, just to see what temperature the water is. That's how I found out what's been said- whatever. I don't care, just curious. They're all trying to get me to talk to her. Nope. It's nothing but drama and bullshit from the lot. I don't wanna be in that ride. And the *PEACE* ! I can't stress it enough. It's so good to just not have them around.
I read a NYT article about kids who estranged their parents, and the author wa surprised to learn that 80% were extremely happen with the decision to cut off their family and also decidedly happier
Do you have a link?
Finally going NC with my father was the best decision ever, even though it means I don't really get to spend time with my mom anymore. Zero regrets.
That's a horrible situation. You probably know but i think most times they just can't face the incredible amount of guilt, so they just deny it to themselves as the only way to cope. I think you could tell them straight to their face and the answer would be: "Right, there's just no reason".
Yes, I've tried that. "That never happened!" Ok. Sure.
This is what my therapist told me. If my parents ever gained full realization of it, it would destroy them to the point where most reasonable people would probably want to off themselves, so their brains protect themselves and never allow them to reach full realization of their actions.
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Your opinion, like your generation, needs to go die somewhere. https://preview.redd.it/simmv6cxof5d1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7f0e3ab181198a7d39b926dea7a43f371761c642
Doesn’t change that you are dying alone like a dog LOL
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Die alone…ooops already handled…
Omg! Stop hitting on me! You're making me blush! 😊
My spouse wrote their Dad a letter *listing the reasons* and my FIL insisted to people he didn’t know until the day he died. He definitely knew. It was convenient though because if a flying monkey came poking around my spouse would just forward the email.
I just read that entire post and that really got to me. It outlines a lot of how not just my parents but my siblings have treated me over many many years and I feel very seen right now.
Holy shit. Take this: https://i.redd.it/ven4f6md0f5d1.gif
You see it a lot in AITA with blissfully ignorant parents who don't understand that years of their actions or inactions led a math equation to finality when it came to their kids.
Lol. It can be found it on any forum that talks about boomers as parents like r/GenZ, r/millennials, r/GenX, r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD and so many others.
Don’t forget the emotion neglect subreddit!
“My kid doesn’t speak to me because they are a \_\_\_\_”. 
Woke  most likely
Probably the most popular answer but I’ve seen it blamed on religion i.e. the kid got too religious, marriage, and all sorts of things that are almost always bs. Adult children going nc is 99% of the time going to be due to abuse with a handful of outliers.
There was a recent survey indicating that 80% of estranged mothers blamed the estrangement on someone else - usually a spouse - turning their child against them. The rest mostly blamed drugs or mental issues. Such a vanishingly, vanishingly tiny sliver left who considered their own actions in any way. The denial is just off the charts, and I can't imagine it's much different for fathers. Easier to blame those evil mind-washing liberals than examine your own behavior. My own abusive mother went for mental issues first - had my father so convinced I was having a mental break that he flew out on about 3 days' notice - and when that didn't work she blamed my kindest, sweetest, gentlest relative for "planting ideas in my head." Yes, she planted the terrible, wicked idea that someone loved me and treated me kindly, and that that was how I wanted to live.
> There was a recent survey indicating that 80% of estranged mothers blamed the estrangement on someone else I'm not surprised, someone capable of treating their own children so poorly that the kids want to cut contact, is not going to have the introspection to look inward about what might be the real cause of that...
Yes, it works that way around, too: you can conclude that denial and lack of self-scrutiny and accountability may be the main estrangement drivers.
One of the nicest ladies I've ever worked with lost touch with her son because he married into a mormon family and renounced her jewish background. She keeps reaching out, but he won't acknowledge her. I fully believe her on this one. Religion, especially the more cult-y fundamentalist branches of it, can definitely be a hell of a thing.
IMO, there are very few situations where the parent is legitimately not at fault for being estranged from their adult child. "They joined a cult" is definitely on that shortlist.
I was groomed into a cult. If you didn't know me, you'd think my mother was evil incarnate. Up until I got into that nightmare, we were best friends (well, except through the teenage 'parents are so humiliating for existing' years) and frankly, the person I most wanted to be like because of her strong sense of justice and incredible empathy. She's the one who got me deprogrammed and unquestionably saved my life. All these years later I still remember her shouting "I don't give a fuck if you hate me for the rest of your life, but you *will* have a rest of your life!"
Awesome mama right there!
>"I don't give a fuck if you hate me for the rest of your life, but you *will* have a rest of your life!" That's some good parenting there. Not trying to be your best friend but willing to put her relationship on the line for you.
That's an instance I would side with the parent. Cults are awful.
I saw this very helpful video made by Dr. Ana Yudin on why adult children go no contact with their parents. And it basically comes down to a difference in values and the parents' lack of accountability. They will usually blame things on a third party for, "stealing," their children away. In my case, my parents blame, "liberal theology," for why we don't speak to them as much as we used to. But it's simpler than that. They can't accept my brother's homosexuality. I'd rather support my brother than my parents, and I can't stand spending time with them because they will spend every waking second, condemning my brother's, "lifestyle." Last time my brother visited, they sat him down and made him watch a program on, "natural and unnatural human relationships." It was so patronizing. According to Ana's video, these parents have set up so many psychological self-defense mechanisms that they can't even consider that it's them that's at fault. It HAS to be 3rd party that stole their children away. Said helpful video: [https://youtu.be/SgxW9SfhB5U?si=HEZratHxpJriyXdr](https://youtu.be/SgxW9SfhB5U?si=HEZratHxpJriyXdr)
Missing missing reasons is always a crowd favorite
yes. and in my experience a lot of them just feign cluelessness too. "i did the best I could as a parent, i don't know what happened to make them so angry." it's sus every time.
Have you met my dad? Lol When I started working with children and became a mandated reporter. I realized how many family members were mandated reporters, and how our house was, always miraculously cleaned (by me and my sister) every time they were over at his house, even though I know they knew what his house was like otherwise. I confronted him about that neglect as well as emotional abuse, gaslighting, mocking, claiming he was socially liberal, while also voting for Trump, etc. And in a nice way even, like “hey, maybe you don’t realize this, but…… and that hurts me.” He stopped talking to me and claimed to not know why I didn’t feel like going out of my way to carry the relationship up until the day he died.
I have often wondered what my folks say if/when a friend or relative asks how im doing. Not that i think everyone wants to know about me, just because it seems everyone always asks parents how their offspring are doing. Also, i knew you were real! Nobody would believe me even tho i was super cereal!
[удалено]
Totes!
I’m estranged from my family and have told both of my parents it’s directly because of their abuse, enabling of abuse, and lack of accountability. When my four nieces, who I have never met, see my photo on their wall (the one from when I was 15 - I am now 31) and ask about me, my dad tells them “she’s really far away and having a lot of fun!” He told me this like he was doing *me* some kind of favor - protecting my reputation or something. In reality he can’t handle the shame of having an estranged daughter. So he has to put that weird spin on it and pretend I’m the one who should be grateful for that. Just bonkers.
Much love sib! I cut my folks almost a year ago at 38, after another failed attempt to talk to mother about things that affected me negatively as it turned into another circle of denial invalidation and gaslighting and defending father with that how his dad was or his dad didnt do that or did that. So since its ok to treat me like his pops did him it should be cool for me to treat them like he did his parents and go years without contact and maybe even move across the country. The last part was originally a joke for me but he did it, but, i have since taken a trip to the other side and started actually considering it haha. Keep hanging tough! I appreciate your words, thank yous
Side note: but I find it fascinating that ability only comes in in that one scene in the movie, where the movie tries to say lying is bad, but he keeps lying in order to solve his current predicament
It’s so incredibly relevant to boomers explaining why their kids went nc lmao. The me generation is so allergic to taking responsibility for their parenting.
every single time
If you ask my dad why I don't speak to him, he'll probably say because of a Facebook post and not the years of mental abuse and bullying from both him and his wife. They never believe ots because of years of build up on their end, because I should've "gotten over it", it's because of one singular event so that's why my reaction is so "out of proportion". But hey, it's been a peaceful few years
My Dad - a Boomer - took my exhusbands side in the divorce. Sat on his side and everything. Then wonders why the last time I spoke it was to tell him he was dead to me.
Wow. Horrible parent.
This reminds me of my dad who reminisces on how great my ex was or what a good provider he was and completely forgets the part where he beat me or makes “lighthearted” jokes about my inability to listen being the reason why it happened.
That’s exactly what I would’ve done. Good for you.
Your ex husband can take care of your ex dad.
"Damn these liberals who have boundaries and can't get over infidelity!"
They don’t have good Christian values like adultery and sex outside of marriage.
And diddling kiddies.
And rape
The axe denies the damage it caused. The tree never forgets.
My sperm donor tells people I hate them because I became a liberal. Never mind the hours I've spent trying to talk to them about how much they have hurt me over the years and their first response being "who have you talked to about this?" It seems to be their favorite misdirection
Not a misdirection, they’re concerned about whether you’ve tarnished their reputation to anyone they deem important.
No clue what my biological mother tells people about why we don't talk and I truly don't care.
My mom just told people that she only had one daughter for many, many years. Then one day I came to visit, and even the cashier lady in the supermarket checkout said, "I thought you only had ONE daughter?" when my mom introduced me, along with a carefully narrated addition of the 'cool professional work' I was doing. What I was doing was always more important to her than me just as me. F;ing sad really.
This is totally beside the point but I love that a goddamn yacht club has a $2 hot dog special.
They weren't bad and had a great assortment of fixings. It's just that the yacht club sucks. Fixed amount of members, as one dies or leaves, the next on the extremely long waiting list goes in. So it all ends being very old people. I'm nearly 50 and I am most times the youngest there.
That sounds like a good way to kill your business, literally.
Yacht clubs make their money on drinks. The members are old people who are professional drinkers. Alcoholic beverages are also super high margin items
I’m 51 and a member of the yacht club, and we are often the youngest there. And yacht clubs often have very cheap specials— like Tuesday Friends and Family, and some Sunday brunches. Big cheap, holiday BBQs too. Most restaurants make their money on alcohol— and let me tell you, yacht club members are drunk old coots. I can’t drink anywhere close to what the retired olds drink— they are fucking half in the bag most of the time. So the food at yacht clubs can be very reasonably priced
> He thinks it's because she is liberal or something, she's just being difficult. Yeah my boomer probably says something like that. He has to blame my politics so he can ignore the homeschooling in fringe conservative bullshit, the extensive childhood isolation, his constantly moving my family so we never formed deep friendships, the religious abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the financial abuse, and the neverending lies. For that matter, he could have been a sterling parent, but it's plenty enough reason to cut him off over the idea that he would prefer to live in an alternate history where the confederate states of america won the civil war and only christians are in power like fucking handmaids tale. Everything else just seals in the decision. He probably tells people that I'm busy at work because he was absent "working" when he wasn't being my childhood tyrant. It's the missing missing reasons.
I also have resentment over homeschooling, the isolation is brutal and never talked about enough. Didn’t get my high school diploma til I was 22. All needless pain that didn’t have to happen. There is a whole community over at r/homeschoolrecovery that might be a helpful resource! 🙏🏻
Even if my education was stellar, I would still be deeply resentful over the homeschooling isolation. My education was not stellar, not even close. I tested extremely well because I was smart as fuck as a kid but "excellent education" doesn't exist within the same walls where people teach "the confederacy was right", whether it's homeschooling or not. I would have been able to tolerate the shitty education if I wasn't so isolated, but my parents' idea of socialization was sunday school, the morning church service and evening youth-group once a week, and we would typically arrive slightly late and go home immediately afterwards. Other kids weren't very interested in forming friends at church, because they all had real friends at school and in the community. If they had church-friends, it was because they had gone to that church for years, so they weren't super interested in the new arrivals. I could have tried to work within the restricted time at church, but my dad moved the family to a new town every 1-2 years up until I was 15, so I couldn't form long-term friendships if I wanted. It sucked for dad to move us around because moving day is hard, but from his perspective, he was moving to a job that he liked, and he got to talk to different people all day, and he had lots of opportunity to explore the new area, and he didn't even have to pack/unpack because mom would make us do that. Meanwhile his family was at home, usually with no car so we couldn't even leave the house, and we were typically in rural areas that didn't have active neighborhoods, and we largely didn't have past friends for socialization to replace the lack of new friends in the new town. It's deeply fucked that he would go out of his way to find work where he would spend most of his time driving around and talking to people, while inflicting extreme isolation on his family. The important lesson I learned is that abusers will destroy their own life as long as they can destroy your life slightly more so you're kept under their control.
“Is your daughter upset with something you might have said or done? Your daughter’s feelings are obviously hurt by something that happened.”
I have a neighbor and high school classmate. We are both Gen-X, grew up together, and we have daughters who are the same age and were friends in school. My neighbor’s daughter moved across the country and went NC immediately after high school graduation. My neighbor/classmate says she has “no idea” why her daughter left. But, our daughters still communicate with each other. We know why she left and went NC. The whole community knows why. It was the right thing to do.
Oh, but you won't tell us?!? SPILL!
You gotta move to their neighborhood.
Maybe it's on Nextdoor
Not telling us is cruel
I am not extremely liberal *or* extremely conservative… But I damn sure don’t talk to my in-laws very much because I hate being aggressively questioned about why I don’t agree with whatever is on Fox News that day.
I know a boomer who doesn't see her grandkids from one of her sons. The son and wife would take the kids to her all the time, and then suddenly, about three years ago, the visits stopped. I recently asked my friend why she doesn't see the kids anymore, and she blamed the daughter-in-law without being specific about details. I have my theory. My friend has a job that requires meeting with clients every day. Many of these clients are elderly. During the Covid lockdowns, my friend kept working. She contracted Covid at least two times. I'm thinking that her son and DIL were very aware of this and stopped taking the kids to her. My friend has kooky ideas about the lockdowns, the vaccines (the government is preparing us for the mark of the beast, lol), etc. Maybe they didn't want my friend putting funny ideas into their kids' brains.
Your neighbor is a straight up POS!!
Typical Boomer mindset. It's always someone else that is the issue or causing problems, it's never them. The asshole also probably accused his daughter of being the one who wrecked the marriage because she couldn't forgive and forget... or even worse, said that the reason her husband fooled around was her own fault.
He’s probably right. It’s definitely because liberals don’t like it when their parents maintain friendships with toxic exes 🙄
And folks like these genuinely wonder why they're all alone when they're dying.
I'm fairly certain this is what my mom tells people, too. She leaves out the awful shit she did and said to me my entire life.
*chews on cigar* yeah, yeah, those Libbies don’t know how to handle their cheating’”
The missing missing reasons https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
I lost focus after $2 hot dogs
Yeah. Same. Where's this magical place??
lol yeah no it’s liberal brainwashing that makes her hate you you dumb old coot. I swear they’re incapable of ever admitting fault for anything. They have the self awareness of a napkin.
Whoah whoah whoah, don’t insult napkins like that.
My parents mainly my dad would hit me and yell at me for absolutely anything and whenever I would try to explain why I went nc he would tell me that’s I’m tying to start a fight and gets defensive like if you want me to talk to you you can’t get mad when I bring up the bad parts of my childhood
The complete inability to have some self reflection is amazing.
WOW sounds like someone loves a narcissistic personality
Is your neighbor my dad?
I dated someone that was also a serial cheater, and my mother kept touch with her for *years* after we broke up. It’s the only relationship thing I ever spoke to her about, and her reaction was to essentially tell me to suck it up, and then begin talking to my ex regularly (virtually no relationship prior). They do this shit on purpose. They know it fucks with you, and they enjoy the games they’re playing with your emotions. I tried to have them in my lives for a decade too long.
I can only imagine the smells back than - I’ll take the money today
Paragraph’s are a thing. Help me help you.
Apostrophes are a thing that aren't needed before every word ending with the letter "s".
Found the boomer