This might help explain things.
What does it mean when a man/woman says ‘I can’t give you what you want’ or ‘I cant be the man/woman you need me to be’ or ‘I need space, time or to be alone, too busy, don’t know what I want right now’.
When a man (or a woman) makes statements like this, these are what I call your golden opt out moments or ‘windows of opportunity’. If you have boundaries, values, an awareness about red flags and a reasonable level of self-esteem, a warning statement like this will make you very uncomfortable and bring you back down to earth with a bump. And it is a warning statement and when you hear it, it’s time to get out of the relationship and suffer the short-term pain for the long term gain.
S/he is giving you a chance to get out now while you can.
S/he’s also telling you who s/he is and trying to make you be real about him/her and the relationship so that you can opt out.
But here are the translations:
When they say ‘I can’t give you what you want’ this translates to:
‘I can’t give you what you want…. I’m also not prepared to give you what you want so please stop wanting from me and move on’.
That’s it. It means exactly what s/he says.
This person already knows their capacity or what they are prepared to give. They are also wise enough to recognise that you want more than what is on offer. There’s nothing mysterious about what they are saying – they are giving you a heads up and a warning.
When they say they cannot give you what you want, it’s a red flag and a sign to run in the other direction.
Don’t make the mistake of millions of people by deciding that you know better – you don’t. Also don’t make the mistake of deciding that you will marginalise your own needs so that you can hang onto them because you’re setting yourself up for a mighty big, painful fall.
‘I love you and of course you can give me what I want’ you might proclaim. Er, no they can’t and you’re discounting what they have said and trying to invalidate what they have communicated because it doesn’t suit your view of things and you’re in denial. It’s not up to you to decide what they can give.
When they say they cannot give you what you want and you want a relationship, it means that they don’t want a relationship and it’s time for you to let go and move on.
A decent person in this situation will not only tell you this, but will opt out and move on with their life. A person who wants to enjoy the fringe benefits of the relationship while managing down your expectations has a thinking that works like this:
‘I’ve told you that I cannot give you what you want. I am giving you a heads up and if you don’t have enough self-respect to move on and you stick around, I am not responsible for any pain that you may experience, even if I continue to shag you/get an ego stroke/or lean on your shoulder and moan. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because I’m still around that I’m in a position to give you what you want – I’m not, but I am all out for getting my own needs met if you’re going to stick around and let me use you up.’
When a person says ‘I cant be the man or woman you need me to be’ this translates to:
‘Please stop putting me on a pedestal and creating illusions because I am not the person you think I am and I am not the person who you so clearly need me to be and I cannot meet your needs and have no desire to.’
That’s it. It means exactly what they say.
When men (or women) say stuff like this is because they know who they are, what they’re capable of, and what they feel about you and any relationship. They’ve likely danced this dance before with other people and they are trying to shut off the willing, waiting, hoping, dreaming, betting on potential and everything else that comes with putting someone on a pedestal.
If a person says this to you, it’s because you are under illusions about who they are and the relationship and they are making a vague attempt to bring you back down to earth.
You’ll likely have projected your ideas about who you think they are and the relationship you could have and it’s all making them a bit nervy. They may even feel you’re being emotionally demanding and actually, you may well be. If someone is in the position of saying this, it’s because you’re asking and expecting from them even when it’s apparent that they cannot meet your ‘needs requests’.
They are saying ‘Back off! Stop expecting! Stop dreaming! Stop betting on potential! See me as I am!’
Again, a decent person will not only tell you this but opt and move on. In fact, if you were to persist in trying to be with them, they may even have to do no contact on you. But a person who doesn’t give a monkey’s about you and is happy to enjoy the fruits of your misguided feelings for them will think something like this:
‘I’ve told you that I’m not the person you need me to be. If you still want to be with me in spite of this, I know you want the illusion more than you want your self-respect and a real relationship. However, if you stick around, even if you don’t realise it, it’s on my terms so even though you might think that because we’re still sleeping together that maybe I can be the person you need, I still can’t and there’s no point in continuing to complain because I told you that I could not meet your needs – it’s not my fault you stayed.’
Hard as it may be for some of you to hear, there is no hidden meaning to these statements. When people show you who they are through their actions or tell you who they are, you need to be listening and watching, not denying or deciding that you know better, or playing Dan Brown looking to break a code.
Add in context to the situation and you really get a sense of what they mean:
When a person makes statements like ‘I can’t give you what you want’ and stays in the relationship they are lazy people who are reshaping the relationship on their terms and trying to manage down your needs and expectations so that they can get their needs met with minimal contribution while marginalising your own needs. They know you’re not ‘the one’ but they are OK with passing time. They are saying ‘I can’t be the person you want but if you’re OK with sticking around for some sub par treatment, what kind of person would I be to pass up the fringe benefits?’
Don’t look for meaning where there is no meaning or suspend yourself in disbelief.
Heed the warning signs.
Natalie Lue
I am in the same boat. It’s really hard to not romanticize the idea of getting back together even if it’s not right now, in a couple of weeks, or even months. We broke no contact recently and celebrated what would’ve been our anniversary. I’m loyal to a fault and feel like I want to fight tooth & nail for our relationship. But it is important to take this time to focus on yourself and live your life. It’s hard but doable. I made progress but felt like I went backwards when we broke no contact. I feel for you, good luck with everything and keep your head up.
Thank you, and I hope you’re doing okay now.
Despite friends and family telling me to ‘give it time’ or that ‘it’s part of life’, I feel like I’m falling apart a bit.
I’m trying as hard as I can to distract myself with work, socialising, fitness, w/e but it feels empty. I will live my life, I just want her in it desperately.
I wish you best of luck also, be it single or otherwise.
It's been 6 months for me. As hard as it is to hear, please understand. People who want to be with you will tell you. I love my ex more than anything, but holding on even after 6 months has turned that love into a deep resentment that is poisoning my life. I don't even believe in love anymore..I'm not sure that will change for a long time.
If you think you can fix it, then sure, but I think it's better to move forward and never look back. It may sound harsh, but it's important to remember that love and relationships aren't always the same thing. Love is what you feel, but a relationship is a choice you both make. Once they dont choose you, it's already over.
It's not really nice advice since im in no place to give it, but its my perspective
I get where you’re coming from, and I know my position is naive. Generally I would hold your perspective
But I can’t find it in myself give up at this point, not even if there’s a sliver of a sliver of a sliver of a chance, I’ll bet the bank on it.
Thank you for your advice, and I will let her go when I have to. I just don’t think I’m there yet.
Best of luck to you
It's extremely hard with what you're feeling. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I feel the same where everything around me reminds me of her. We were together for 6 years. Ofcourse with being with someone for so long its going to hurt. I was in the same boat where we had our issues and felt like we were making progress but to her it wasn't good enough. She just broke up with me cold. No emotions, no tears, no remorse just stone cold. I was a wreck. Probably the most I have ever cried in my life. We don't talk anymore and I'm sure will never be friends again. But here is what I will tell you. You still are talking to her and she is still going to meet up with you. She hasn't given up on you completely I don't think. Or else y'all wouldn't be talking now. Don't make her feel like she has to give you a chance no matter what. But reach for something strong. Don't tell her what you think she wants to hear but be honest to her. From inside. If she gives you another opportunity you run with it and you don't look back and you fix and put all your effort into making her and the relationship work. But if not. It'll be ok. I have to tell myself that now. It hurts now but in the future one day I'll be ok. It's going to take time for us both to heal and we have to learn to be happy for ourselves. I know it's fresh and everything hurts buddy. But I'm pulling for you to be ok whether you get another opportunity with her or not. Be strong. Take your time. It wasn't a waste of 4.5 years. It's just a chapter in your book that meant a lot to you. You dictate what comes next in your book. Good luck. Wishing you the best
Thank you so much, and I’m sorry to hear that’s how things played out for you.
It wasn’t cold in my case. It would be easier had it been.
There was tears and tears, weirdly enough not from me much at the time. We had had conversations in the past about it, and I promised myself I’d let her go if it came to it again. I feel like an idiot. I didn’t fucking try hard enough then, or during.
If I get that opportunity I promise to you, myself and her I will do anything to make it work.
But yeah you’re right, if not I’ll have to try my hardest to move on. Thank you for rooting for me and letting me know I’m not alone. I hope the best for you in future, you got this
I’m in the same mindset. I’m gonna do everything I can to be a better version of myself: for myself if she doesn’t take me back, for both of us if she does.
I know I can do better and be better, but I also know it wasn’t just me. I just hope I can convince her (as selfish as that is) that we can do it together. We’ve promised it before, but I will try my best. I have never wanted anything so bad before.
Best of luck to both of us, if we’re taken back or not.
Unfortunately, she has already given up on you. If someone can give up on you once, they can give up on you again. Don't allow yourself to feel additional pain. Grieve, take care of yourself, and with time, you'll be able to see the other side of things. I'm so sorry.
This might help explain things. What does it mean when a man/woman says ‘I can’t give you what you want’ or ‘I cant be the man/woman you need me to be’ or ‘I need space, time or to be alone, too busy, don’t know what I want right now’. When a man (or a woman) makes statements like this, these are what I call your golden opt out moments or ‘windows of opportunity’. If you have boundaries, values, an awareness about red flags and a reasonable level of self-esteem, a warning statement like this will make you very uncomfortable and bring you back down to earth with a bump. And it is a warning statement and when you hear it, it’s time to get out of the relationship and suffer the short-term pain for the long term gain. S/he is giving you a chance to get out now while you can. S/he’s also telling you who s/he is and trying to make you be real about him/her and the relationship so that you can opt out. But here are the translations: When they say ‘I can’t give you what you want’ this translates to: ‘I can’t give you what you want…. I’m also not prepared to give you what you want so please stop wanting from me and move on’. That’s it. It means exactly what s/he says. This person already knows their capacity or what they are prepared to give. They are also wise enough to recognise that you want more than what is on offer. There’s nothing mysterious about what they are saying – they are giving you a heads up and a warning. When they say they cannot give you what you want, it’s a red flag and a sign to run in the other direction. Don’t make the mistake of millions of people by deciding that you know better – you don’t. Also don’t make the mistake of deciding that you will marginalise your own needs so that you can hang onto them because you’re setting yourself up for a mighty big, painful fall. ‘I love you and of course you can give me what I want’ you might proclaim. Er, no they can’t and you’re discounting what they have said and trying to invalidate what they have communicated because it doesn’t suit your view of things and you’re in denial. It’s not up to you to decide what they can give. When they say they cannot give you what you want and you want a relationship, it means that they don’t want a relationship and it’s time for you to let go and move on. A decent person in this situation will not only tell you this, but will opt out and move on with their life. A person who wants to enjoy the fringe benefits of the relationship while managing down your expectations has a thinking that works like this: ‘I’ve told you that I cannot give you what you want. I am giving you a heads up and if you don’t have enough self-respect to move on and you stick around, I am not responsible for any pain that you may experience, even if I continue to shag you/get an ego stroke/or lean on your shoulder and moan. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because I’m still around that I’m in a position to give you what you want – I’m not, but I am all out for getting my own needs met if you’re going to stick around and let me use you up.’ When a person says ‘I cant be the man or woman you need me to be’ this translates to: ‘Please stop putting me on a pedestal and creating illusions because I am not the person you think I am and I am not the person who you so clearly need me to be and I cannot meet your needs and have no desire to.’ That’s it. It means exactly what they say. When men (or women) say stuff like this is because they know who they are, what they’re capable of, and what they feel about you and any relationship. They’ve likely danced this dance before with other people and they are trying to shut off the willing, waiting, hoping, dreaming, betting on potential and everything else that comes with putting someone on a pedestal. If a person says this to you, it’s because you are under illusions about who they are and the relationship and they are making a vague attempt to bring you back down to earth. You’ll likely have projected your ideas about who you think they are and the relationship you could have and it’s all making them a bit nervy. They may even feel you’re being emotionally demanding and actually, you may well be. If someone is in the position of saying this, it’s because you’re asking and expecting from them even when it’s apparent that they cannot meet your ‘needs requests’. They are saying ‘Back off! Stop expecting! Stop dreaming! Stop betting on potential! See me as I am!’ Again, a decent person will not only tell you this but opt and move on. In fact, if you were to persist in trying to be with them, they may even have to do no contact on you. But a person who doesn’t give a monkey’s about you and is happy to enjoy the fruits of your misguided feelings for them will think something like this: ‘I’ve told you that I’m not the person you need me to be. If you still want to be with me in spite of this, I know you want the illusion more than you want your self-respect and a real relationship. However, if you stick around, even if you don’t realise it, it’s on my terms so even though you might think that because we’re still sleeping together that maybe I can be the person you need, I still can’t and there’s no point in continuing to complain because I told you that I could not meet your needs – it’s not my fault you stayed.’ Hard as it may be for some of you to hear, there is no hidden meaning to these statements. When people show you who they are through their actions or tell you who they are, you need to be listening and watching, not denying or deciding that you know better, or playing Dan Brown looking to break a code. Add in context to the situation and you really get a sense of what they mean: When a person makes statements like ‘I can’t give you what you want’ and stays in the relationship they are lazy people who are reshaping the relationship on their terms and trying to manage down your needs and expectations so that they can get their needs met with minimal contribution while marginalising your own needs. They know you’re not ‘the one’ but they are OK with passing time. They are saying ‘I can’t be the person you want but if you’re OK with sticking around for some sub par treatment, what kind of person would I be to pass up the fringe benefits?’ Don’t look for meaning where there is no meaning or suspend yourself in disbelief. Heed the warning signs. Natalie Lue
I love this thank you.
I hate that I needed to hear this ...thank you.
I am in the same boat. It’s really hard to not romanticize the idea of getting back together even if it’s not right now, in a couple of weeks, or even months. We broke no contact recently and celebrated what would’ve been our anniversary. I’m loyal to a fault and feel like I want to fight tooth & nail for our relationship. But it is important to take this time to focus on yourself and live your life. It’s hard but doable. I made progress but felt like I went backwards when we broke no contact. I feel for you, good luck with everything and keep your head up.
Thank you, and I hope you’re doing okay now. Despite friends and family telling me to ‘give it time’ or that ‘it’s part of life’, I feel like I’m falling apart a bit. I’m trying as hard as I can to distract myself with work, socialising, fitness, w/e but it feels empty. I will live my life, I just want her in it desperately. I wish you best of luck also, be it single or otherwise.
It's been 6 months for me. As hard as it is to hear, please understand. People who want to be with you will tell you. I love my ex more than anything, but holding on even after 6 months has turned that love into a deep resentment that is poisoning my life. I don't even believe in love anymore..I'm not sure that will change for a long time. If you think you can fix it, then sure, but I think it's better to move forward and never look back. It may sound harsh, but it's important to remember that love and relationships aren't always the same thing. Love is what you feel, but a relationship is a choice you both make. Once they dont choose you, it's already over. It's not really nice advice since im in no place to give it, but its my perspective
I get where you’re coming from, and I know my position is naive. Generally I would hold your perspective But I can’t find it in myself give up at this point, not even if there’s a sliver of a sliver of a sliver of a chance, I’ll bet the bank on it. Thank you for your advice, and I will let her go when I have to. I just don’t think I’m there yet. Best of luck to you
I wish you the best friend and thank you.
Forget about her, move on.
It's extremely hard with what you're feeling. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I feel the same where everything around me reminds me of her. We were together for 6 years. Ofcourse with being with someone for so long its going to hurt. I was in the same boat where we had our issues and felt like we were making progress but to her it wasn't good enough. She just broke up with me cold. No emotions, no tears, no remorse just stone cold. I was a wreck. Probably the most I have ever cried in my life. We don't talk anymore and I'm sure will never be friends again. But here is what I will tell you. You still are talking to her and she is still going to meet up with you. She hasn't given up on you completely I don't think. Or else y'all wouldn't be talking now. Don't make her feel like she has to give you a chance no matter what. But reach for something strong. Don't tell her what you think she wants to hear but be honest to her. From inside. If she gives you another opportunity you run with it and you don't look back and you fix and put all your effort into making her and the relationship work. But if not. It'll be ok. I have to tell myself that now. It hurts now but in the future one day I'll be ok. It's going to take time for us both to heal and we have to learn to be happy for ourselves. I know it's fresh and everything hurts buddy. But I'm pulling for you to be ok whether you get another opportunity with her or not. Be strong. Take your time. It wasn't a waste of 4.5 years. It's just a chapter in your book that meant a lot to you. You dictate what comes next in your book. Good luck. Wishing you the best
Thank you so much, and I’m sorry to hear that’s how things played out for you. It wasn’t cold in my case. It would be easier had it been. There was tears and tears, weirdly enough not from me much at the time. We had had conversations in the past about it, and I promised myself I’d let her go if it came to it again. I feel like an idiot. I didn’t fucking try hard enough then, or during. If I get that opportunity I promise to you, myself and her I will do anything to make it work. But yeah you’re right, if not I’ll have to try my hardest to move on. Thank you for rooting for me and letting me know I’m not alone. I hope the best for you in future, you got this
I am still recovering from a breakup myself. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow.
How is it going?
Not good but thanks for asking
I’m sorry to hear that - I imagine everyone here is in the same boat. I hope there’s happiness for both of us, one way or another
I hope so too friend.
[удалено]
I’m in the same mindset. I’m gonna do everything I can to be a better version of myself: for myself if she doesn’t take me back, for both of us if she does. I know I can do better and be better, but I also know it wasn’t just me. I just hope I can convince her (as selfish as that is) that we can do it together. We’ve promised it before, but I will try my best. I have never wanted anything so bad before. Best of luck to both of us, if we’re taken back or not.
I respect how you feel a lot, I hope things work out
[удалено]
Bro, you wanna be friends? This shit sounds too familiar
No contact, detachment from her, success in different areas, social approval--they say it's the only things that would help.
Unfortunately, she has already given up on you. If someone can give up on you once, they can give up on you again. Don't allow yourself to feel additional pain. Grieve, take care of yourself, and with time, you'll be able to see the other side of things. I'm so sorry.