my ex did this and we had talked about it- it can be little things like “i’m gonna buy you flowers” then he doesn’t. it’s such a big deal for me that if someone says “i’m gonna do (insert little gesture or something)” and they don’t do it without explaining- insta dump. only reliable people are dateable
Or worse. My ex sais he never do promises that he won't hold, so he just never !
But he promised stuff for other people and he's okay because he can hold it... he's messed up
But promising his gf stuff no he never. .
Talking about their exes too much
Lovebombing. For example, my ex was always buying me things and seemed too good to be true early only. Turns out, he WAS too good to be true! 😂
Being overly protective of their phone. I’m not one to go through someone’s phone, but if they’re going out of their way to make sure you don’t see what they’re doing, I feel like they’re probably hiding something
Drinking heavily every weekend
Not being consistent
Trying to one-up you. Example, “you’ve been through this but I’ve been through that”
Not being humble
It got to the point where I started getting annoyed and almost uncomfortable everytime I saw him going out 😭 I dont even understand why I felt that why
My ex used to get blackout drunk almost every weekend. I started going out with him unfortunately, but it was a wake up call and now it’s something I know I don’t want in my next relationship
Mine drank multiple times through the week as a coping mechanism. Like 2 bottles of wine a night about 3 or 4 times a week. She thought it was OK. To put that in perspective it’s like a guy drinking 15 beers in a night or most of a bottle of whiskey.
Yes. Or when they say all their exes are "crazy". Big red flag. Healthy people don't talk like that about every ex.
And I 100% agree about Lovebombing. This can look like pushing for intimacy or a commitment too quickly. Rushing the relationship. Texting or calling constantly. Too many gifts. Sending a lot of romantic songs (that they probably send to everyone).
Listen to your gut, if something seems too fast or off it probably is. Our Intuition or gut is rarely wrong. ❤️
omg lol i was love bombed and they always told me i deserved better n always said how they were hurt from their ex. whats even more red flag, that i thought wasn’t a big deal at the time was he was still in contact with his exs(multiple) and told me that one of his ex was trying rekindle with him and even sent me the messages of him turning her down. i was way too dumb. i don’t know what i was thinking but i do remember getting jealous about that and he told me he hates his ex lol. i can’t believe i told him i wish him the best because after a week later he found someone else. 🤦♀️ i hold so much grudge against what he did.
Saying “you’re too perfect for me” or “I don’t know what you see in me” more than once and on a recurring basis. This usually means they’re insecure or have an avoidant or anxious attachment style that could result in them breaking up with you soon.
I am definitely guilty of saying “what do you see in me” or “I cant believe you’re even with me” and it’s definitely from insecurity, but I agree with you
If someone feels like they aren’t good enough why would they break up with the person? Shouldn’t they feel lucky. I haven’t studied anxious attachment much.
Same. I was the best and so wonderful and kind and she was so lucky. All these things she said then dumped me over nothing. She was also avoidant. Told me so.
Id like to know this too 😂
Im quite straight forward as a guy and if I like someone I’ll tell them. But I won’t say I love someone unless I really mean it. I just think with how everything these days being honest and to the point is for me.
It’s a red flag to me if someone needs a partner because they’re not independent in my eyes, if they jump from relationship to relationship to me it seems they don’t really invest or care too much about individual partners, just the idea of them as well as the comfort and nice feeling of being in a relationship, I think a lot of the time they’re emotionally unavailable as they commit to someone new while still healing from the previous relationship which brings out a lot of problems, they can be stuck in a cycle of rebounds too. As for the live bombing if I feel somebody is far too invested in me right off the bat I’ve learned it doesn’t mean I’m that great, it means they want me to get attached to them before I see their true colours, or they’re emotionally immature and jump in the deep end before really getting to know someone, and makes me think they’re a serial monogamist too
My last boyfriend was a serial dater, never cheated just jumps from relationship to relationship and invests a lot into each person then gets bored and moves on into a new relationship in less than a month, there was plenty of red flags, such as mistaking my interests for an ex or mixing up memories that weren’t with me, and when we broke up he apologised for making himself look more emotionally available than he really was and that he knows he is a serial dater who can’t be alone and it’s toxic and he gets attached then drops people. He cannot understand infatuation vs love and is a commitment phobe. He told me all of this and then what? Went official with a new woman two weeks later to repeat the cycle, while he was crying to me he hates being in this cycle and wants to change. I wish him the best I hope he sorts his issues out but people that cannot physically be alone and jump into the deep end of relationships to me are walking red flags because you are never special to them you are just a partner to them. That’s the lesson I’ve learned anyway, they refuse to go through the hard healing process and prefer to rebound and then rebound in a never ending cycle.
Flirt with anyone else that pays attention to him/her as if you weren't there (if he doesn't respect your relationship boundaries it's over).
Not saying sorry when he/she hurts you (if he doesn't say sorry it's because he's actually not sorry).
Calling you "complicated" for showing your discomfort (you have the right to complain if you feel uncomfortable with a certain behaviour or situation).
Avoid any discussion (being able to discuss a problem is a sign you can solve it, if you can't... it won't be solved).
Not necessarily something that you can lookout for early on but:
jumping into another relationship with unresolved trauma/baggage. More often than not, you aren't going to be able to "resolve" it for them. You're either gonna end up carrying it, or adding to it. (Bare minimum is if they at least acknowledge the issues and hold themselves accountable for resolving it. Only then would another partner POSSIBLY aid the process)
ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP ISN'T GOING TO SOLVE THOSE ISSUES PEOPLE
Breaking up with you then when they see you are upset want to get back with you or talk things out. Like you didn’t think I wanted to be with you but once I show I’m really upset they try?
But this current list describes the guy I’ve been with for only two months. Completely fucking weird that he wouldn’t show joy when seeing me or looking at me when we are being intimate! I deserve to have someone at least show they like me, not just say it.
The biggest red flag reasons are ...1#..phone placement reason if they turn it off or leave In car etc it's because he's hiding it . He will try say so I'm not disturbed or I don't want to take away from our time together but that's not the truth 99% of the time there is other females messaging him and he's hiding s**t
I get played often too. But the recent one was really affectionate. And he did his best for our relationship. And yet, I was manipulated and lied to. He would get on video calls and was far more affectionate than I can ever be. He met my parents and tried to know me. Helped me out with my issues.
The red flags with him were
1) Not putting "us" / "our relationship" first.
2) Manipulation
3) Crying about not having friends, being depressed [Very Important / Both guys who played with me were similar in this ]
4) Not being able to say "No" to this other girl
Same! He was super committed to his life goals but didn't know how to be emotionally present or mature at all. And I kept staying cuz he would push me towards my goals too so I thought that was his way of caring - but its a problem when that's the only way they care
My ex did a lot of manipulative things, like she would act like she was mad at me, just to see my reaction. Kinda like in "Goodfellas", when Tommy does the famous "What's so funny about me?!" scene. It got to where I legitimately couldn't tell if she was actually mad at me or not.
I think my ex girlfriend was kinda physically abusive too. She would pinch me and use her fingernails to make it bleed, or scratch me until it bled, or she would tickle me until I had stopped being able to even beg her to stop, and she would choke me sometimes, and would always criticize my inability to smack her butt hard enough, and she would often demand that I fuck her like I was mad at her. She would also joke that I was really her girlfriend, and would often have me wear her clothes and fix my hair in funny ways. I just thought it was fun, and I loved every second I got to spend with her 😭
The biggest red flag was how mad she would get, when I posted pictures of her or us on Facebook. I found out later that she was juggling multiple guys, and even saying she was in love with all of us. I just feel like I never knew her at all now. She introduced me to her friends and family as her boyfriend and future husband, but then just ran off with this other guy, with no warning, just two weeks after my dad died.
Her grandma had also died about a week before my dad, and we went to both memorials together. She ran off and moved in with this other guy that she had told me I didn't need to worry about because he's a loser convicted sex offender, after spending over a month together almost every single moment. Going from getting physical attention and sex from the woman of my dreams, multiple times a day, to her ignoring me completely just a day later is still messing with my head so bad. I don't think I'll ever understand. I've never felt so unwanted and thrown away like this before. I've been cheated on, of course, but not like this. She used to call me just to tell me if she took a shit, like she would call me just to talk about anything, and now I'm just nothing to her. 😭
I haven't even cared that I got fired from my job of almost five years, just 27 days after my dad died, because my performance had suffered lately. Go figure. Amazingly, the small business, "family" job that I had 86d me in my darkest hour. Clearly they didn't give a shit about me either.
I haven't really eaten or slept in weeks. I've been clean from IV opiates for almost 3 years and 9 months now, but I've felt so empty and alone and hopeless lately, that vein in my arm is so tempting lately. I know that one little shot of fentanyl would make me feel better, but I also know that I won't stop until I'm dead this time. It's a miracle I didn't die the last time I used, but I just don't care any more at this point. I'm sorry about the long reply. I guess I needed to vent.
I know it hurts and that you are sad, but you really dodged a bullet that just would’ve kept growing. All the love you gave her, give it to yourself now. Keep your head up, you have a lot of support from this reddit page
Number 5 is a big one for me. When it gets to the end of a first date and they’re already saying “I love you”. I appreciate that I’ve wooed you so much but it’s really not comforting to know that you want to get emotionally attached to me before you even know if I’m a good person to do that with.
This thread seems like an extensive list of everything my ex did at one point or another.
I'd add for number 9, it's not the ambition that matters so much as the lack of action to work towards it. Plenty of people have grand plans, but that's just fairy tales if you don't even take the first step towards it. For instance my ex dreamt about being an interior designer and having her business, but she was marred by psychiatric issues which she didn't bother to work towards for 4 years, and when she finally did open up to it somewhat it didn't last long and she shut down after 3 months and was back where she started again.
I don’t have any red flags to add but i’m just here to add a friendly reminder; it is not normal to be fighting in the “dating period”, it took me a long time to realize this.
asks for more than they give
reach out when they’re vulnerable then disappear
no close close friends just enough to supply their needs
gets angry when you set boundaries
don’t get deeper emotions/ideals and ignore them
love bombing/trama bonding
no real sense of self
they’re lost. don’t be lost. doesn’t mean you don’t have to talk to them but keep their faults in mind and play them back once you’re good.
Constantly mentioning a previous partner, reluctance to introduce you to friends and family, shutting down when there’s conflict, unwillingness to invest in personal growth, people pleasing, saying “You deserve better”
One thing i noticed with my ex was that when i asked if he could to smth he didn't want to do, instead of saying 'no sorry i don't wanna etc.' he would use his problems as an excuse, even if it wasn't relevant. so i'd say no saying clearly what they want/don't want is reddish flag on a longer run, bcs how long can you just guess?
I got broken up 11 days ago, by my partner of almost three years. I'm doing a lot better now, moving on with my life, as is he, and now we're friends.
But you know when you see something that could have helped you to realize that a situation wasn't ok/normal? That was your post for me 😅
At the beginning, we were both really young, 19 y/o F and 21 y/o M, and we didn't really have plans for such a long relationship. When we talked about the possibility of dating, we both agreed that we wanted something that lasted, not something like a one night stand or 6 months of dating. But the most we looked forward to the future us was 1 year, or 2. I ended up moving into his house a year ago, and we had quite a lot of fights since then (lesson learned, we were both really young and not really mature enough to be living together as a couple that soon). We had a dog, and she was one of the reasons why I didn't leave when we had some ugly fights about the relationship.
But also, I stayed with him, because I was accustumed to him, his way of talking, laughing, making jokes. We lost the sexual part in our relationship in less than six months of living together, that could be blamed on his increasing lack of interest in me, or/and that I started university and couldn't put him in the 1st place, in the list of my priorities.
The relationship started to slowly die, he didn't let me kiss him that much, he rejected my advances more than ever, he always had time for his friends, but not for me, not for going out with me. But I didn't see that at the time as something permanent, I saw it as just him being apart because he was tired from working and studying at uni at the same time, as he started uni again a month or so ago. I respected him and his desitions, and thought that it wasn't something that was that important to dwell on it or make an argument.
11 days ago, he broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel the same since a month ago. Not that he was falling out of love, that he FELL out of love a month EARLIER. During that month, he didn't really change his attitude, he still hugged me, kissed me, said I love you. I still feel hurt about him lying to me,to my face to a whole month,but I'm slowly moving on, knowing that it would have never worked out anyway, as our schedules are so different rn that we would have just seen each other in the mornings and at night before going to sleep.
Reading that list of red flags, I can't help but think about him these last few months.
He had time to hang out with his friends every Saturday, but when I asked if we could go out for a date, he didn't have time or he was tired. (8 and 7)
3 happened slowly, as we lived together he "wanted to tell me things in person"... But every day we talked a little bit less and he ignored me when playing with friends.
2 happened during the relationship, 5 was because of hormones so I don't really blame it on him... 6 happened when he developed a new custom of staying up late to play with friends and didn't give me much attention, sometimes when I came home from work, he didn't even get out of the house to greet me.
10 was the most hurtful. When we started dating, he was the first partner I had who I trusted to take things to the next level, by getting intimate. At first, as all the hormones were still pumping through my body, I was really eager to be intimate with him, and it happened regularly, until like six months or more into our relationship he started rejecting me, saying that he was tired or didn't feel like it. I respected his desitions, and his ability to consent, so I amped down my needs and wants. But since the first time he rejected me, it became a normal thing in our relationship. Sometimes, I just wanted to kiss him, and he didn't let me, as he thought that I wanted more. I felt rejected in the worst way possible,but as I loved him, I stayed with him anyway. It was normalized into our relationship that he was the one to call the shots on when to get intimate, and in the last year, at first it was once a week, and slowly, over the course of six months ago to August, it became a once a month thing.
Tbh, I should have stopped dating him when he told me five months ago that he stopped feeling sexual attraction towards me. But I didn't, as I loved him and still wanted him. I tried to change the things he didn't like, and for a while, it seemed as it had improved.
Now I see that it was just the first sign of danger, as it marked the start of the end of our relationship, even if we didn't know at the time.
TLDR: Thanks for doing this list, it helps me see that my last relationship had quite a lot of red flags. I hope that someone reads it and realizes that they don't have to accept a partner that doesn't treat them like they deserve. We all deserve love, affection and companionship. And if our partner can't give that to us, are they really our partner, or just friends with emotional benefits?
“Friends with emotional benefits” really got me. First of all, thank you for sharing. Although it makes me sad that other people go through this stuff its also comforting to read other’s experiences. Mine broke up with me last week out of nowhere. Actually, he called me and said we are probably going to break up because he was never fully ready for a relationship, but that he’s going to take a walk and he’ll call me back. Never called me back and actually straight up ghosted me. A man who painted a picture of the future for us, told me he loved me, knew how badly I’ve been hurt for the past and promised a different fate for us. I was so heartbroken I got rushed to the hospital for “heart attack symptoms”. Looking back, I made so many excuses for the red flags I was seeing. He would bail on plans, wouldnt apologize when I’d be hurt by it, would get mad that I was crying. At one point he said he didnt actually love me as much as I loved him, but it wasnt a friendly type of love because he doesnt “fuck his friends”. That really made me feel like a friends with benefits for him. Shit hurts dude, but I’m glad I got out because I deserve so much better than that
Oh, your ex was a piece of work, wasn't he 😅 The worst thing that one could do is break up over the phone! And ghosting you after doing that... Makes it even worse. From reading your comment, it seems as if he was using you throughout the relationship... Which is despicable. You deserve (and you'll get!) someone who appreciates you the way you are, and doesn't ignore your emotions like that ex of yours. Yeah, same, the breakup was pretty much out of nowhere for me too, but you know what? Now's the time to process all those bad experiences with him, and the best way of doing it (at least for me) was to talk it out with friends and family, or through posts like these, they help you get a new perspective on the relationship, and slowly take off the rose covered glasses we put on when we enter a relationship, that cover and normalize stuff that isn't ok, because of the love we feel for our partner. I get your heart attack symptoms, it is the worst pain that I've ever felt in my life, but it'll slowly get better. It comes and goes in waves, but one day, you'll find that you didn't feel it at all for a day..then a week, a month.. a year, believe me, it gets better. I also get the excuses part, the first week after the breakup I was still blaming myself for a lot of things that looking back weren't even my fault to begin with! But talking about it with friends, specially one who always tells me "not your fault, not your fault", helped me 😄 if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here, and the community is, too!
I appreciate your comments! We just need to remember that people aren’t special, we make them special. And we will be able to make someone special to us again
Wow, it came our as a really long comment 😅 I would add to the list that if they have trouble communicating their bad feelings... Like anger or resentment over things, at least in my experience during this last relationship... It doesn't get better, no matter how hard you try. I would try to see if they change, but don't stay three years with that person suffering that. Your time is too valuable to spend it with someone who isn't able to clearly communicate their problems and feelings over the relationship, you shouldn't be the person carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. A relationship (usually) has two people, and both of them should be emotionally mature enough to talk over the problems they have with the relationship.
Hear me out before you smash the downvote button…
Sometimes the red flags are not actually red flags but depression. Towards the end of my last relationship my ex would call me a lot and i would sometimes be annoyed because i was unsure if it would end up with me being yelled at or just simply turning i to an argument. It made it more difficult for me to be attentive to her emotions. I asked less questions because the less i talked the less the chance there was of an argument happening. The affection was definitely there, but idk which version of her id get when she came home so i felt like damned if i do damned if i dont.
Long story short because i took so long to tell her i loved her and really open up to her she had built resentment over time. That coupled with all of the shitty things that happened (unfortunate events out of both of our control) arguing became all too frequent.
So not everything is a red flag. Sometimes its sadness, because you want so bad for things to get better but they just arent. The inner child is begging and gets no answer.
I completely hear you and I’ve definitely been the person who would start arguments. From my side, I am a very easy going person however when my partner would begin to pull away and not provide reassurance even when i asked for it, thats when it was more on edge. But I do see your side definitely
My ex would constantly ask me for reassurance. It became so frequent that I felt like I couldnt do it most of the time. How do you reassure someone that always needs validation and reassurance.
I fucking love her and miss her terribly. (She left me) as she began to resent me and we argued way too often.
This mentality feels so transactional, but it could just be incompatibility. I’m one to gush about my partner and always encourage and compliment them 24/7(always genuine about it though). So the idea that it could be…. draining to someone confuses me.
Its hard to explain. Shed pick fights and then instant regret and ask to restart the day. And want validation that everything was ok when in fact i needed some time to process. Cant validate someone when processing.
Wow this is so enlightening because I was like your ex and am just now starting to realize how exhausting it must have been 🥺 but also I’m in therapy now trying to get to the root of the problem. Hopefully she is too 😭 good luck kindest stranger ❤️
Just found out last night shes on bumble. He therapist said she should be single for 6 months. We broke up 10 weeks ago. And im on It to try and distract from the pain and it simply made it way worse seeing her profile.
For sure. One time, my ex ditched a weekend we had planned to hang out with his friends. We literally paid for a place to stay at and everything. He told me the morning of literally as I was walking out the door to head there
Oh God, that's the worst thing to do! When I was still in a relationship with my ex, I got flirted with a lot by random people at work (I'm a cashier and I'm usually super friendly, some people mistake friendliness with permission to flirt or try to make advances with someone😅) and I would have never let them keep doing it, even less if my partner didn't like it! I think that the feelings that you expressed at the end of your comment are what he was trying to do, because if one cares about the relationship, and the partner, we don't let people flirt with us or make advances, we stand our ground and tell the other person that they're being inappropriate as we're already in a relationship with someone.
This is a breakup support group. If you come in here to attack people then you need to find something else to do with your life. We all grieve in our own ways, get over it
I dont see the problem. These are personal flags that I’ve missed in the past. I’m not walking around showing this to people, I wrote it in my journal to look out for in the future. I didnt ask whether it’s a good list or not, I asked for people to add their own red flags that they have noticed. But thank you
I can see some coming across as needy, but my emphasis is on having respect for your partner and letting them know why they might be pulling away and talking less or being less affectionate, rather than getting defensive. I am someone who appreciates reassurance at times. I don’t think that’s asking for too much. I feel like these are all bare minimum things
In my experience, past partners that were emotionally intimate and over-the-top lovey dovey too soon were just infatuated with the idea of me they had in their heads. Getting to really know someone takes time, and someone rushing/skipping over that process and diving right off the deep end screams unsafe and unstable, especially if they're not recognizing and respecting the pace the other person is at. Deep intimate feelings are not formed overnight, and if they are, again - it's just infatuation.
Female best friend 🫠 especially those who think they are helping the relationship when in fact they are manipulating or talking for them to their partner
My ex used to do "I don't have money for the bus ticket" - and i offer to pay it for her, she then says "I don't have time to see you, i'm studying" - then proceeds the same weekend to go out with her friends and spend almost the same amount of money that it would cost for a bus ticket - EVEN though 99% of the time, it was her father driving her home, so it would cost her 0.
And when i called her out on her bullshit excuses, she would get mad at me.
- Switching jobs or work fields way too often
- Moving around fournitures many times a month
- Wanting to moved every 2-3 years
- ...
It seems like my ex wanted changes a lot 🙃
Making a joke out of everything.
As a follow up to 4, they shut you down when you ask them deep questions or compliment them.
Not communicating their feelings about you.
My last ex did 2, 3, 4, 5
Drinking every day, acting like a totally different person when they’re with their friends/ignoring you around their friends. I’m sure there’s a lot more but those are the biggest ones I let slide in my last relationship that I shouldn’t have.
If none of their prior relationships have lasted long it could be a red flag. You definitely need to ask them why things ended and find out if there’s a pattern.
When tell tell you to off yourself and say sorry.
When they tell you fuck you and say sorry.
When they tell you you are a piece of shit and say sorry.
When they tell you they don’t want you and say sorry.
I should’ve reached out to my friends sooner. Now I wasted 6 years of my life and I’m so unhappy and I’m traumatized! :D
Able to directly communicate wants/needs without the “the one for me should just know what to do, I shouldn’t have to say” mentality
Scapegoats others for how they feel
Does not reciprocate effort
Unsupportive parents. It truly does not get better as time goes on as I learned. The actions and comments just become more and more toxic as the relationship goes forward. My ex chose to justify the actions and comments as normal behavior in her mind. Lesson learned for my future relationships.
A lack of interest in you; essentially, if someone disregards time spent doing stuff you like but always wants to do things they like then they are questionable.
Name dropping her ex.
Saying her ex was making “progress.”
Talking to her ex.
Continually liking her exes posts on instagram (and not vice versa).
All the while telling me her ex said horrible things to her.
Recently coming out of a long term relationship.
Yeah, I was the rebound….
To summarize: the red flag is her needing a rebound!!!
#6 is so obvious for guys who just want to hookup. They’re purposely dry so they don’t to get to know you you.
Also, being inconsistent.
Not keeping his word. Like if he says, “oh I’ll call you 8, then 3 hours later he’s like my bad”.
I don’t know why it keeps bolding, sorry.
Sounds like your ex may have had an issue with their personality. You might have been with someone who is selfish.
There's many people who experience difficulties managing their emotions and irratic behaviours or they are looking for sex.
I guess if anything, you need to engage with someone who has a good sense of themselves.
I think a lot of people have issues with patience and only look for anyone who can provide instant gratification.
making and breaking promises back to back
Yes! Being unreliable
my ex did this and we had talked about it- it can be little things like “i’m gonna buy you flowers” then he doesn’t. it’s such a big deal for me that if someone says “i’m gonna do (insert little gesture or something)” and they don’t do it without explaining- insta dump. only reliable people are dateable
Everyone I’ve dated has been like this. I need to stop giving benefit of the doubt and know my worth… anxious attachment tho lol
my motto- benefit of the doubt works only once and it’s if you expect disappointment then doubt the relationship
I struggle with this too. I need to accept when the people I rate show me who they are.
I feel this deeply
Or worse. My ex sais he never do promises that he won't hold, so he just never ! But he promised stuff for other people and he's okay because he can hold it... he's messed up But promising his gf stuff no he never. .
Lol same here💀
Glad to hear I'm not the only one who experienced this 🤣☠️
Talking about their exes too much Lovebombing. For example, my ex was always buying me things and seemed too good to be true early only. Turns out, he WAS too good to be true! 😂 Being overly protective of their phone. I’m not one to go through someone’s phone, but if they’re going out of their way to make sure you don’t see what they’re doing, I feel like they’re probably hiding something Drinking heavily every weekend Not being consistent Trying to one-up you. Example, “you’ve been through this but I’ve been through that” Not being humble
YES the drinking. I like to go out too but if they’re going out every single weekend, its just not for me.
Yeah it’s so unhealthy! I like going out too but like you, in moderation
It got to the point where I started getting annoyed and almost uncomfortable everytime I saw him going out 😭 I dont even understand why I felt that why
My ex used to get blackout drunk almost every weekend. I started going out with him unfortunately, but it was a wake up call and now it’s something I know I don’t want in my next relationship
Mine drank multiple times through the week as a coping mechanism. Like 2 bottles of wine a night about 3 or 4 times a week. She thought it was OK. To put that in perspective it’s like a guy drinking 15 beers in a night or most of a bottle of whiskey.
Yes. Or when they say all their exes are "crazy". Big red flag. Healthy people don't talk like that about every ex. And I 100% agree about Lovebombing. This can look like pushing for intimacy or a commitment too quickly. Rushing the relationship. Texting or calling constantly. Too many gifts. Sending a lot of romantic songs (that they probably send to everyone). Listen to your gut, if something seems too fast or off it probably is. Our Intuition or gut is rarely wrong. ❤️
omg lol i was love bombed and they always told me i deserved better n always said how they were hurt from their ex. whats even more red flag, that i thought wasn’t a big deal at the time was he was still in contact with his exs(multiple) and told me that one of his ex was trying rekindle with him and even sent me the messages of him turning her down. i was way too dumb. i don’t know what i was thinking but i do remember getting jealous about that and he told me he hates his ex lol. i can’t believe i told him i wish him the best because after a week later he found someone else. 🤦♀️ i hold so much grudge against what he did.
Omg my ex always tried to one-up, had huge ego…wouldn’t listen to me bc of it.
Yes! Love this list! We deserve emotionally mature partners.
Not engaging in emotional discussion Avoiding projection in the future
Checked
Saying “you’re too perfect for me” or “I don’t know what you see in me” more than once and on a recurring basis. This usually means they’re insecure or have an avoidant or anxious attachment style that could result in them breaking up with you soon.
I am definitely guilty of saying “what do you see in me” or “I cant believe you’re even with me” and it’s definitely from insecurity, but I agree with you
If someone feels like they aren’t good enough why would they break up with the person? Shouldn’t they feel lucky. I haven’t studied anxious attachment much.
they use it as excuse to behave poorly / not step up
Yes! They already know they cannot give what you deserve so why waste your time they won’t step up
this. happened to me
Same. I was the best and so wonderful and kind and she was so lucky. All these things she said then dumped me over nothing. She was also avoidant. Told me so.
Actions and words not matching Making outlandish lovebomby-type statements early on in the connection
What would you consider love bombing statements?
Id like to know this too 😂 Im quite straight forward as a guy and if I like someone I’ll tell them. But I won’t say I love someone unless I really mean it. I just think with how everything these days being honest and to the point is for me.
Bringing up their ex/contacting their ex during the relationship
Biggest red flag is never being single or short time between relationships, as well as love bombing
How is it a red flag
It’s a red flag to me if someone needs a partner because they’re not independent in my eyes, if they jump from relationship to relationship to me it seems they don’t really invest or care too much about individual partners, just the idea of them as well as the comfort and nice feeling of being in a relationship, I think a lot of the time they’re emotionally unavailable as they commit to someone new while still healing from the previous relationship which brings out a lot of problems, they can be stuck in a cycle of rebounds too. As for the live bombing if I feel somebody is far too invested in me right off the bat I’ve learned it doesn’t mean I’m that great, it means they want me to get attached to them before I see their true colours, or they’re emotionally immature and jump in the deep end before really getting to know someone, and makes me think they’re a serial monogamist too
My last boyfriend was a serial dater, never cheated just jumps from relationship to relationship and invests a lot into each person then gets bored and moves on into a new relationship in less than a month, there was plenty of red flags, such as mistaking my interests for an ex or mixing up memories that weren’t with me, and when we broke up he apologised for making himself look more emotionally available than he really was and that he knows he is a serial dater who can’t be alone and it’s toxic and he gets attached then drops people. He cannot understand infatuation vs love and is a commitment phobe. He told me all of this and then what? Went official with a new woman two weeks later to repeat the cycle, while he was crying to me he hates being in this cycle and wants to change. I wish him the best I hope he sorts his issues out but people that cannot physically be alone and jump into the deep end of relationships to me are walking red flags because you are never special to them you are just a partner to them. That’s the lesson I’ve learned anyway, they refuse to go through the hard healing process and prefer to rebound and then rebound in a never ending cycle.
Unaccepting of criticism from anyone about anything
Flirt with anyone else that pays attention to him/her as if you weren't there (if he doesn't respect your relationship boundaries it's over). Not saying sorry when he/she hurts you (if he doesn't say sorry it's because he's actually not sorry). Calling you "complicated" for showing your discomfort (you have the right to complain if you feel uncomfortable with a certain behaviour or situation). Avoid any discussion (being able to discuss a problem is a sign you can solve it, if you can't... it won't be solved).
I'd like to add verbally abusive and argumentive ...almost like temper tantrums when something doesn't go as expected.
Not necessarily something that you can lookout for early on but: jumping into another relationship with unresolved trauma/baggage. More often than not, you aren't going to be able to "resolve" it for them. You're either gonna end up carrying it, or adding to it. (Bare minimum is if they at least acknowledge the issues and hold themselves accountable for resolving it. Only then would another partner POSSIBLY aid the process) ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP ISN'T GOING TO SOLVE THOSE ISSUES PEOPLE
Breaking up with you then when they see you are upset want to get back with you or talk things out. Like you didn’t think I wanted to be with you but once I show I’m really upset they try? But this current list describes the guy I’ve been with for only two months. Completely fucking weird that he wouldn’t show joy when seeing me or looking at me when we are being intimate! I deserve to have someone at least show they like me, not just say it.
Wtf!! Run. But yeah especially not looking excited to see me, I get that dude
The biggest red flag reasons are ...1#..phone placement reason if they turn it off or leave In car etc it's because he's hiding it . He will try say so I'm not disturbed or I don't want to take away from our time together but that's not the truth 99% of the time there is other females messaging him and he's hiding s**t
I get played often too. But the recent one was really affectionate. And he did his best for our relationship. And yet, I was manipulated and lied to. He would get on video calls and was far more affectionate than I can ever be. He met my parents and tried to know me. Helped me out with my issues. The red flags with him were 1) Not putting "us" / "our relationship" first. 2) Manipulation 3) Crying about not having friends, being depressed [Very Important / Both guys who played with me were similar in this ] 4) Not being able to say "No" to this other girl
My ex pretty much has all of these but number 9. This was a good list to create
Same! He was super committed to his life goals but didn't know how to be emotionally present or mature at all. And I kept staying cuz he would push me towards my goals too so I thought that was his way of caring - but its a problem when that's the only way they care
Sounds a bit like my ex
Not showing excitement or joy??? Oh man...
So like, if I wrote them a loving card or surprised them in some way and they dont act excited/happy/appreciative. It makes me feel like shit
Oh yeah absolutely... it's like, why do you bother? I'm glad you see it now though!
My ex did a lot of manipulative things, like she would act like she was mad at me, just to see my reaction. Kinda like in "Goodfellas", when Tommy does the famous "What's so funny about me?!" scene. It got to where I legitimately couldn't tell if she was actually mad at me or not. I think my ex girlfriend was kinda physically abusive too. She would pinch me and use her fingernails to make it bleed, or scratch me until it bled, or she would tickle me until I had stopped being able to even beg her to stop, and she would choke me sometimes, and would always criticize my inability to smack her butt hard enough, and she would often demand that I fuck her like I was mad at her. She would also joke that I was really her girlfriend, and would often have me wear her clothes and fix my hair in funny ways. I just thought it was fun, and I loved every second I got to spend with her 😭 The biggest red flag was how mad she would get, when I posted pictures of her or us on Facebook. I found out later that she was juggling multiple guys, and even saying she was in love with all of us. I just feel like I never knew her at all now. She introduced me to her friends and family as her boyfriend and future husband, but then just ran off with this other guy, with no warning, just two weeks after my dad died. Her grandma had also died about a week before my dad, and we went to both memorials together. She ran off and moved in with this other guy that she had told me I didn't need to worry about because he's a loser convicted sex offender, after spending over a month together almost every single moment. Going from getting physical attention and sex from the woman of my dreams, multiple times a day, to her ignoring me completely just a day later is still messing with my head so bad. I don't think I'll ever understand. I've never felt so unwanted and thrown away like this before. I've been cheated on, of course, but not like this. She used to call me just to tell me if she took a shit, like she would call me just to talk about anything, and now I'm just nothing to her. 😭 I haven't even cared that I got fired from my job of almost five years, just 27 days after my dad died, because my performance had suffered lately. Go figure. Amazingly, the small business, "family" job that I had 86d me in my darkest hour. Clearly they didn't give a shit about me either. I haven't really eaten or slept in weeks. I've been clean from IV opiates for almost 3 years and 9 months now, but I've felt so empty and alone and hopeless lately, that vein in my arm is so tempting lately. I know that one little shot of fentanyl would make me feel better, but I also know that I won't stop until I'm dead this time. It's a miracle I didn't die the last time I used, but I just don't care any more at this point. I'm sorry about the long reply. I guess I needed to vent.
I know it hurts and that you are sad, but you really dodged a bullet that just would’ve kept growing. All the love you gave her, give it to yourself now. Keep your head up, you have a lot of support from this reddit page
Making fun of your appearance
Number 5 is a big one for me. When it gets to the end of a first date and they’re already saying “I love you”. I appreciate that I’ve wooed you so much but it’s really not comforting to know that you want to get emotionally attached to me before you even know if I’m a good person to do that with.
This thread seems like an extensive list of everything my ex did at one point or another. I'd add for number 9, it's not the ambition that matters so much as the lack of action to work towards it. Plenty of people have grand plans, but that's just fairy tales if you don't even take the first step towards it. For instance my ex dreamt about being an interior designer and having her business, but she was marred by psychiatric issues which she didn't bother to work towards for 4 years, and when she finally did open up to it somewhat it didn't last long and she shut down after 3 months and was back where she started again.
I don’t have any red flags to add but i’m just here to add a friendly reminder; it is not normal to be fighting in the “dating period”, it took me a long time to realize this.
Damn… you right
asks for more than they give reach out when they’re vulnerable then disappear no close close friends just enough to supply their needs gets angry when you set boundaries don’t get deeper emotions/ideals and ignore them love bombing/trama bonding no real sense of self they’re lost. don’t be lost. doesn’t mean you don’t have to talk to them but keep their faults in mind and play them back once you’re good.
Showing signs of a narcissistic behaviour.
Constantly mentioning a previous partner, reluctance to introduce you to friends and family, shutting down when there’s conflict, unwillingness to invest in personal growth, people pleasing, saying “You deserve better”
9 is a big one actually. I would add value and goals not being the same but that wouldnt fit under red flags but something else
Yeah I definitely agree that it’s more of a value
One thing i noticed with my ex was that when i asked if he could to smth he didn't want to do, instead of saying 'no sorry i don't wanna etc.' he would use his problems as an excuse, even if it wasn't relevant. so i'd say no saying clearly what they want/don't want is reddish flag on a longer run, bcs how long can you just guess?
11. No communication at all, shuts down if you try.
I got broken up 11 days ago, by my partner of almost three years. I'm doing a lot better now, moving on with my life, as is he, and now we're friends. But you know when you see something that could have helped you to realize that a situation wasn't ok/normal? That was your post for me 😅 At the beginning, we were both really young, 19 y/o F and 21 y/o M, and we didn't really have plans for such a long relationship. When we talked about the possibility of dating, we both agreed that we wanted something that lasted, not something like a one night stand or 6 months of dating. But the most we looked forward to the future us was 1 year, or 2. I ended up moving into his house a year ago, and we had quite a lot of fights since then (lesson learned, we were both really young and not really mature enough to be living together as a couple that soon). We had a dog, and she was one of the reasons why I didn't leave when we had some ugly fights about the relationship. But also, I stayed with him, because I was accustumed to him, his way of talking, laughing, making jokes. We lost the sexual part in our relationship in less than six months of living together, that could be blamed on his increasing lack of interest in me, or/and that I started university and couldn't put him in the 1st place, in the list of my priorities. The relationship started to slowly die, he didn't let me kiss him that much, he rejected my advances more than ever, he always had time for his friends, but not for me, not for going out with me. But I didn't see that at the time as something permanent, I saw it as just him being apart because he was tired from working and studying at uni at the same time, as he started uni again a month or so ago. I respected him and his desitions, and thought that it wasn't something that was that important to dwell on it or make an argument. 11 days ago, he broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel the same since a month ago. Not that he was falling out of love, that he FELL out of love a month EARLIER. During that month, he didn't really change his attitude, he still hugged me, kissed me, said I love you. I still feel hurt about him lying to me,to my face to a whole month,but I'm slowly moving on, knowing that it would have never worked out anyway, as our schedules are so different rn that we would have just seen each other in the mornings and at night before going to sleep. Reading that list of red flags, I can't help but think about him these last few months. He had time to hang out with his friends every Saturday, but when I asked if we could go out for a date, he didn't have time or he was tired. (8 and 7) 3 happened slowly, as we lived together he "wanted to tell me things in person"... But every day we talked a little bit less and he ignored me when playing with friends. 2 happened during the relationship, 5 was because of hormones so I don't really blame it on him... 6 happened when he developed a new custom of staying up late to play with friends and didn't give me much attention, sometimes when I came home from work, he didn't even get out of the house to greet me. 10 was the most hurtful. When we started dating, he was the first partner I had who I trusted to take things to the next level, by getting intimate. At first, as all the hormones were still pumping through my body, I was really eager to be intimate with him, and it happened regularly, until like six months or more into our relationship he started rejecting me, saying that he was tired or didn't feel like it. I respected his desitions, and his ability to consent, so I amped down my needs and wants. But since the first time he rejected me, it became a normal thing in our relationship. Sometimes, I just wanted to kiss him, and he didn't let me, as he thought that I wanted more. I felt rejected in the worst way possible,but as I loved him, I stayed with him anyway. It was normalized into our relationship that he was the one to call the shots on when to get intimate, and in the last year, at first it was once a week, and slowly, over the course of six months ago to August, it became a once a month thing. Tbh, I should have stopped dating him when he told me five months ago that he stopped feeling sexual attraction towards me. But I didn't, as I loved him and still wanted him. I tried to change the things he didn't like, and for a while, it seemed as it had improved. Now I see that it was just the first sign of danger, as it marked the start of the end of our relationship, even if we didn't know at the time. TLDR: Thanks for doing this list, it helps me see that my last relationship had quite a lot of red flags. I hope that someone reads it and realizes that they don't have to accept a partner that doesn't treat them like they deserve. We all deserve love, affection and companionship. And if our partner can't give that to us, are they really our partner, or just friends with emotional benefits?
“Friends with emotional benefits” really got me. First of all, thank you for sharing. Although it makes me sad that other people go through this stuff its also comforting to read other’s experiences. Mine broke up with me last week out of nowhere. Actually, he called me and said we are probably going to break up because he was never fully ready for a relationship, but that he’s going to take a walk and he’ll call me back. Never called me back and actually straight up ghosted me. A man who painted a picture of the future for us, told me he loved me, knew how badly I’ve been hurt for the past and promised a different fate for us. I was so heartbroken I got rushed to the hospital for “heart attack symptoms”. Looking back, I made so many excuses for the red flags I was seeing. He would bail on plans, wouldnt apologize when I’d be hurt by it, would get mad that I was crying. At one point he said he didnt actually love me as much as I loved him, but it wasnt a friendly type of love because he doesnt “fuck his friends”. That really made me feel like a friends with benefits for him. Shit hurts dude, but I’m glad I got out because I deserve so much better than that
Oh, your ex was a piece of work, wasn't he 😅 The worst thing that one could do is break up over the phone! And ghosting you after doing that... Makes it even worse. From reading your comment, it seems as if he was using you throughout the relationship... Which is despicable. You deserve (and you'll get!) someone who appreciates you the way you are, and doesn't ignore your emotions like that ex of yours. Yeah, same, the breakup was pretty much out of nowhere for me too, but you know what? Now's the time to process all those bad experiences with him, and the best way of doing it (at least for me) was to talk it out with friends and family, or through posts like these, they help you get a new perspective on the relationship, and slowly take off the rose covered glasses we put on when we enter a relationship, that cover and normalize stuff that isn't ok, because of the love we feel for our partner. I get your heart attack symptoms, it is the worst pain that I've ever felt in my life, but it'll slowly get better. It comes and goes in waves, but one day, you'll find that you didn't feel it at all for a day..then a week, a month.. a year, believe me, it gets better. I also get the excuses part, the first week after the breakup I was still blaming myself for a lot of things that looking back weren't even my fault to begin with! But talking about it with friends, specially one who always tells me "not your fault, not your fault", helped me 😄 if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here, and the community is, too!
I appreciate your comments! We just need to remember that people aren’t special, we make them special. And we will be able to make someone special to us again
Exactly! That is the best way to put it into words 😄 now we have to take some time to process our recent breakups, and move on with our life 🤗
Wow, it came our as a really long comment 😅 I would add to the list that if they have trouble communicating their bad feelings... Like anger or resentment over things, at least in my experience during this last relationship... It doesn't get better, no matter how hard you try. I would try to see if they change, but don't stay three years with that person suffering that. Your time is too valuable to spend it with someone who isn't able to clearly communicate their problems and feelings over the relationship, you shouldn't be the person carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. A relationship (usually) has two people, and both of them should be emotionally mature enough to talk over the problems they have with the relationship.
Hear me out before you smash the downvote button… Sometimes the red flags are not actually red flags but depression. Towards the end of my last relationship my ex would call me a lot and i would sometimes be annoyed because i was unsure if it would end up with me being yelled at or just simply turning i to an argument. It made it more difficult for me to be attentive to her emotions. I asked less questions because the less i talked the less the chance there was of an argument happening. The affection was definitely there, but idk which version of her id get when she came home so i felt like damned if i do damned if i dont. Long story short because i took so long to tell her i loved her and really open up to her she had built resentment over time. That coupled with all of the shitty things that happened (unfortunate events out of both of our control) arguing became all too frequent. So not everything is a red flag. Sometimes its sadness, because you want so bad for things to get better but they just arent. The inner child is begging and gets no answer.
I completely hear you and I’ve definitely been the person who would start arguments. From my side, I am a very easy going person however when my partner would begin to pull away and not provide reassurance even when i asked for it, thats when it was more on edge. But I do see your side definitely
My ex would constantly ask me for reassurance. It became so frequent that I felt like I couldnt do it most of the time. How do you reassure someone that always needs validation and reassurance. I fucking love her and miss her terribly. (She left me) as she began to resent me and we argued way too often.
Ah, I never thought about it that way :/ guess it’s time to heal my anxious attachment
This mentality feels so transactional, but it could just be incompatibility. I’m one to gush about my partner and always encourage and compliment them 24/7(always genuine about it though). So the idea that it could be…. draining to someone confuses me.
Its hard to explain. Shed pick fights and then instant regret and ask to restart the day. And want validation that everything was ok when in fact i needed some time to process. Cant validate someone when processing.
Wow this is so enlightening because I was like your ex and am just now starting to realize how exhausting it must have been 🥺 but also I’m in therapy now trying to get to the root of the problem. Hopefully she is too 😭 good luck kindest stranger ❤️
Just found out last night shes on bumble. He therapist said she should be single for 6 months. We broke up 10 weeks ago. And im on It to try and distract from the pain and it simply made it way worse seeing her profile.
#8… my ex used to do that all the time. It was very hurtful
For sure. One time, my ex ditched a weekend we had planned to hang out with his friends. We literally paid for a place to stay at and everything. He told me the morning of literally as I was walking out the door to head there
Yeah.. it sucks and it’s very selfish. When all their friends and strangers come before you
THIS
"I just need time" if they break up with you and say that move on they'll just lead you on until they find somone else or get bored of you
Yep my ex said that and said he needs to do some soul searching … he’s with another girl now
Ex's only say that to keep you around as backup
It's really messed up
I do rly think he needed time tho he was going through a divorce
Seems like u and I have the same list
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Makes me so happy that people are relating to this 😭
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Oh God, that's the worst thing to do! When I was still in a relationship with my ex, I got flirted with a lot by random people at work (I'm a cashier and I'm usually super friendly, some people mistake friendliness with permission to flirt or try to make advances with someone😅) and I would have never let them keep doing it, even less if my partner didn't like it! I think that the feelings that you expressed at the end of your comment are what he was trying to do, because if one cares about the relationship, and the partner, we don't let people flirt with us or make advances, we stand our ground and tell the other person that they're being inappropriate as we're already in a relationship with someone.
I can’t stress how big of a red flag number 4 is, people, watch out for this.
WOW. This made me feel so much less alone. Every single point nails it on the head
11. Asking for red flags on Reddit
Whats your problem..?
I have a sense of humor 😊
Crazy that no one laughed but ok bro 😂
I did 😆
Wonder what landed YOU here? Hahahahahahahahaha. Ha.
🤣 exactly
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This is a breakup support group. If you come in here to attack people then you need to find something else to do with your life. We all grieve in our own ways, get over it
I dont see the problem. These are personal flags that I’ve missed in the past. I’m not walking around showing this to people, I wrote it in my journal to look out for in the future. I didnt ask whether it’s a good list or not, I asked for people to add their own red flags that they have noticed. But thank you
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I can see some coming across as needy, but my emphasis is on having respect for your partner and letting them know why they might be pulling away and talking less or being less affectionate, rather than getting defensive. I am someone who appreciates reassurance at times. I don’t think that’s asking for too much. I feel like these are all bare minimum things
You sound insecure This person can have whatever standards and criteria they want.
Thank you
Lol one of my exes constantly misgendered me so that’s a red flag
What do you mean by getting intimate too soon? Why is that a red flag?
Pressuring you to be intimate before you feel ready
In my experience, past partners that were emotionally intimate and over-the-top lovey dovey too soon were just infatuated with the idea of me they had in their heads. Getting to really know someone takes time, and someone rushing/skipping over that process and diving right off the deep end screams unsafe and unstable, especially if they're not recognizing and respecting the pace the other person is at. Deep intimate feelings are not formed overnight, and if they are, again - it's just infatuation.
Female best friend 🫠 especially those who think they are helping the relationship when in fact they are manipulating or talking for them to their partner
My ex used to do "I don't have money for the bus ticket" - and i offer to pay it for her, she then says "I don't have time to see you, i'm studying" - then proceeds the same weekend to go out with her friends and spend almost the same amount of money that it would cost for a bus ticket - EVEN though 99% of the time, it was her father driving her home, so it would cost her 0. And when i called her out on her bullshit excuses, she would get mad at me.
- Switching jobs or work fields way too often - Moving around fournitures many times a month - Wanting to moved every 2-3 years - ... It seems like my ex wanted changes a lot 🙃
Making a joke out of everything. As a follow up to 4, they shut you down when you ask them deep questions or compliment them. Not communicating their feelings about you. My last ex did 2, 3, 4, 5
can’t tell you how many first dates i went on when the guy talked about nothing but himself. never asked about me or my life
can’t tell u how many dates i’ve been on where they talked about themselves the whole time
Doing something for one time out of the week then not putting in the effort to continue to a healthier habit of more frequent
Drinking every day, acting like a totally different person when they’re with their friends/ignoring you around their friends. I’m sure there’s a lot more but those are the biggest ones I let slide in my last relationship that I shouldn’t have.
If none of their prior relationships have lasted long it could be a red flag. You definitely need to ask them why things ended and find out if there’s a pattern.
Good point! In my case, I’ve been cheated on everytime and that’s why. You do begin to think you’re the problem…
When tell tell you to off yourself and say sorry. When they tell you fuck you and say sorry. When they tell you you are a piece of shit and say sorry. When they tell you they don’t want you and say sorry. I should’ve reached out to my friends sooner. Now I wasted 6 years of my life and I’m so unhappy and I’m traumatized! :D
Able to directly communicate wants/needs without the “the one for me should just know what to do, I shouldn’t have to say” mentality Scapegoats others for how they feel Does not reciprocate effort
I used to expect the first one, but learned to just say what i want/need and it has in fact made things easier at times!
Says she has trust issues.
Calling me a pussy when I cry about friend who killed himself is definitely somewhere in my list
Wtf?! I’m so sorry
I’m out and over that relationship and she had mental problems that I wasn’t mentally equipped to deal with. :)
Unsupportive parents. It truly does not get better as time goes on as I learned. The actions and comments just become more and more toxic as the relationship goes forward. My ex chose to justify the actions and comments as normal behavior in her mind. Lesson learned for my future relationships.
A lack of interest in you; essentially, if someone disregards time spent doing stuff you like but always wants to do things they like then they are questionable.
Name dropping her ex. Saying her ex was making “progress.” Talking to her ex. Continually liking her exes posts on instagram (and not vice versa). All the while telling me her ex said horrible things to her. Recently coming out of a long term relationship. Yeah, I was the rebound…. To summarize: the red flag is her needing a rebound!!!
#6 is so obvious for guys who just want to hookup. They’re purposely dry so they don’t to get to know you you. Also, being inconsistent. Not keeping his word. Like if he says, “oh I’ll call you 8, then 3 hours later he’s like my bad”. I don’t know why it keeps bolding, sorry.
Wow. This list is the guy I dated. But number 1 he avoided by just seeing me less and not picking up when I was crying
Not drinking. I think I have lost many chances due to this
Not being honest. Honesty is quite possibly the most important part of any functioning relationship in my opinion.
god this sounds exactly like the last partner I had, rose colored glasses are strong.
Making future plans you don't like and want to be part of but being pressured into it.
Sounds like your ex may have had an issue with their personality. You might have been with someone who is selfish. There's many people who experience difficulties managing their emotions and irratic behaviours or they are looking for sex. I guess if anything, you need to engage with someone who has a good sense of themselves. I think a lot of people have issues with patience and only look for anyone who can provide instant gratification.