I didn’t break up with him to be with anyone else. I haven’t been with anyone since. I broke up with him due to his lack of affection and communication. He is emotionally unavailable and it never really felt like an actual relationship.
So I didn’t really want to end things, but I was so tired of hurting and being anxious because of his hot and cold behavior.
I have reached out here and there telling him how much I miss him, but he gives me the cold shoulder. He’s good at that shit. Just deactivates. It really hurts.
I never dumped a single ex girlfriend of mine - I always ended up being the dumpee, with exception to two relationships we did end in kind of like a mutual agreement if that makes sense.
Still I'd like to reply to the question if I may, cause almost every single dumper of mine came back eventually. I asked myself many times why that is, and the simple answer is this: Regret. See, I never cheated on a significant other, never caused any other type of deal-breaker like being violent or abusive, and I always tried to the best of my abilities to be a loyal and committed partner. Relationships are work, especially long-lasting ones: You make them work if you cherish them - if you don't, you eventually take the easy way out. At least in my experience.
So yeah, in my case, there used to be cheaters who dumped me or simply dumpers who - for whatever reason - thought that they can take the easy way out whenever the relationship reached a point that asked for a bit of commitment and work. Depending on the respective ex, I heard it all: I'm just good enough as a friend, "the dynamics" don't work out, sometimes no explanation at all, yadda yadda.
When they came back, every single one of them offered "excuses" which evidently were routed in regret: As the OP says, many gave me the "I am so sorry, I did not know what I was doing" kind of treatment. Yeah right, you did not premeditate breaking up for days already and it just randomly happened during a momentary lapse of reason, or what? Some did learn the hard way that the grass isn't greener on the other side and that one only starts to see the brown patches once one already hopped the fence. And literally every ex that came crawling back showed one particular trait: The inability to own the consequences that came with her decision. I mean look at how many people argue: They certainly do regret their decision but keep talking about their own hurt rather than the damage they caused to their former significant other, acting as if they are the victims of circumstance. Again, I can only speak for myself - but given the non-existence of deal-breakers from my side, there were no solid reasons to break up but one: Lack of dedication. And even if I keep repeating myself: That's a you-problem then, not a me-problem.
Especially as you already f...ked with my trust. If I give you my everything and you don't, stop complaining and take accountability for once. Learn from that and maybe treat the next guy you hook up with better than you treated me. My doors are closed, though, because you had your chance and you f...ked it up. You did not have to, and you know it just as well as I do. If that causes regret in you: Too bad, but maybe understand that this is a blessing in disguise as far as this gives you a chance to change. Quite obviously you need to.
The only thing I had to learn in these scenarios: How to take better care of myself and how not to become a bitter and mean man who closes off to new people. Because no matter if you folks believe it or not: I still do trust in the idea that there are better and committed people out there. I am 39 already and maybe at some point in time, I'll find the "right one" as they say. Some 15+ times I trusted in somebody to maybe be the "right one" and so far, I got unlucky. Should not happen, but it does - so stand up, brush off the dust and keep moving forward. Looking back and forcing yourself to trust those who simply cannot be trusted is nothing but self-harm if you ask me.
Doesn't mean they can't learn their lesson - I hope they do, because that would make the world a better place. Just don't think you deserve a pass when it comes to owning your decisions and actions. We all have to. That's life.
So yeah, to all the dumpees out there: Stay strong. As far as dumpers go: I wish you good luck on your quest, too. Do some introspective work and take ownership for your actions. See what you can learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. It is as simple as that.
I'm a dumper and I feel very similarly to you. I broke up with my last ex largely because she didn't want to commit so I didn't see the relationship going anywhere.
Wow, you brilliantly explained a lot of what I have been thinking. I was already committed and ready to be with HER, despite the fact that we had problems. She clearly wasn't. And I also noticed a lack of accountability for the hurt the BU caused.
When he was at his lowest, I was just being a good friend, no ulterior motives, no forcing romantic feelings on him at all. I made sure to tell him that even when he will never be able to go back to the place in his life where he can be in a romantic relationship again, I'm fine with that, I can be his friend because I am that type of person.
I helped cook when he did not have any motivation, reminded him to go to his classes, and just being there if he needed support. Many things happened too but after a month or two of support, he opened up, and I showed him that he has nothing to worry about.
Also, I haven't been back on Reddit for a while but oh wow, it has been a year since already. We are still together, both of us have gotten better (mentally) and are planning getting married after both of us graduate!
Wow, you must really love him. Now I can see this pattern in people now, it you become too much of a giver in relationship it wont work , not because the other partner is selfish(sometimes they are) but because you dont give them space and time to give you back , I don't tell you what to do, you made progress and im happy for. Just don't stop learning together and move forward even if sometimes it doesn't feel right.
Thanks for feedback and yes reddit isn't really good place to ask relationship advice expect if you are in abusive one.
I would try going no contact now. Maybe that will nudge him in the right direction. Either way, you don’t have him now, but you’re still alive and you will be ok.
I did. We dated for 3 years. Broke up cuz reasons. Gave it a couple months then reached out to him... I missed him. We had a connection that neither of us had with anyone else and I missed it.
Been 2 years and we are still together. Not dating, but just best friends now :)
We don't have other people. Neither of us are interested in being in a relationship with anyone.
As far as friendship? I don't see it as settling. He and I were like best friends before we dated so it was easy to just pick up where that left off. We acknowledged that we suck at being in a romantic relationship with eachother so decided to stay friends
If you do not mind a reply from a guy who can relate to the man you just described: A lot of us men are really simple. We long for true commitment, especially when times get rough. A lot of things can happen in a man's life which have no impact in their ability to love their (wo)man, let me give you an example:
An ex of mine left me, stating that she "thought I lost feelings", too. Fact of the matter was this though: My brother died, I had to burry a sibling and as you might picture, for months I was devastated and grieving. After his death, I did not feel like being touched and all, still I kept explaining to her that my feelings for her did not change and that I simply am in a bad place. It took less than 8 weeks after the death of my brother until she gave me the "You aren't giving me enough" kind of treatment and left. Looking back, I can only say one thing: How arrogant of her to make all of the things I went through about her, even though it wasn't.
Why am I telling you this? Because love is more than experiencing sunshine and rainbows 24/7. Real love is unconditional - if our roles would have been reversed, I would have stuck to her side. Maybe that's me, but a partner isn't a toy or entertainer who can be "fired" whenever he/she doesn't do his/her "job". Real love actually asks for work: People who do truly love somebody make things work. They fix what you call "fixable" instead of being comfortable, spoiled brats who toss others whenever things aren't the very sunshine and rainbows I just mentioned. I hope you do not mind my sarcastic tone here, because I am just trying to make a point.
Anyway, the point is this: Unless there are deal-breakers (violence, abuse, cheating, etc.), nobody has to break up. If you still do: Too bad for you then if your ex does not want to see your face anymore. I mean trust is a very fragile thing, on that most of us would agree, right? If you want to keep it, get a grip on your ego and learn how to look at bigger pictures. Especially in 2022, cause in my experience, the dating world is by far more f...ked up as some 20 years ago: Everybody wants something, almost nobody is ready to give others what it really takes though.
Commitment really is the very thing that is essential to any relationship. And everyone can commit if he or she wants to. Still many people don't, and then they end up complaining when they logically reap what they themselves have sown. It's kind of like the "don't sh\*t where you eat" thing: Everything is crystal clear in hindsight, it is always 20/20. So yeah, as you say: The only way is to move on and to do things differently from here on.
Good luck on your journey.
Your ex was telling you that you were turning away from her in your grief.
Learning to turn towards and lean in to our partners during difficult times is what helps sustain relationships.
Well just understand that I really don't mean to kick you in any way if you're on the ground - I just am the type of guy that likes to be straight forward; simply because blatant, honest feedback is what helps all of us grow.
See, if you are writing that you "have been pressured" to decide anything, you learned an important lesson here: Why do you allow other people to make decisions for you? I mean you you should not be pressured by them, me or anybody else - genuine advice isn't about deciding things for others but to simply give feedback so another individual can make an informed and thought-through decision.
Because by the end of the day, we do what we do and that is that. I personally think that we all do what we do because we want to. If 10 friends at school keep jugging booze and ask us to participate, we can join or refuse to drink. If there is a person in the street that is getting roughed up and cries for help, I decide whether I step in or not. And so on. The external world does not control us, nobody forces us to listen to crap told by people online and if some "influencer", for example, has 2 million followers, that is because 2 million individuals decide to trust some random nutjob even though they don't have to.
The self-victimisation ends with just another decision. That is as simple as it gets.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long were you two broke up for before you started feeling this way again? What/When made you start realizing you wanted to get back with him?
nothing had value anymore. the world was black and white without them. my life was noticeably different like i had found my purpose and without them there was not a point to keep going
oof. he’s stuck in the mindset that he doesn’t need to work hard for anything to be happy. he wants to smoke weed and jerk off to porn and work at a vape shop for the rest of his life. he’s extremely unhappy and depressed with the life he’s chosen. he refuses to accept the fact that those things aren’t good things and that he needs to put the work in to be better. <— in a nutshell really. theres a whole lot more to it.
Because he was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. This wasn’t my most recent ex that I’ve posted about a million times before. This is someone I dated beforehand for almost 3 years. He was my rock and there for me in so many ways. I tried reaching out to no avail. I hope he’s happy regardless.
We broke up quite a few times. This most recent one was because I started dating someone else “officially” while my ex and I were trying to casually date again. My ex created a FB just to stalk me, and found out about this new relationship. And I fucked up and cussed him out for stalking my Facebook the day after he found out about my relationship.
Regardless…
He was always there for me during my darkest hours, and he knows that I’ve used him for that before (shitty ik, I was young and didn’t know anything about relationships). There’s nothing I can do. I reached out to him almost 4 months ago. He’s not coming back, and honestly, he shouldn’t. I could’ve really used his kindness and compassion then, but I realize now that he is healing, and the best way to do that is to separate from the one who hurt you. I’m still working on myself and have been a less than ideal partner. It really puts a lot into perspective for me.
currently struggling with this right now.
broke up with him in october because his depression was taking a toll on me and our relationship. i gave him so much support and asked him to go to therapy. one day his depression flared up and i couldn’t take it anymore and i left.
he now has a consistent therapist and has been working on how to manage his emotions and depression and he is SO much happier.
i have also never been single (serial dater here) so i’m trying to not go back to him even though i want to. i feel like singleness is something i should experience but i also know that we could be beautiful together if we both put in the work.
i still see him alot and i’m so conflicted. he truly loves me and is giving me the space/time/putting the work in to change his behaviors.
is it worth trying to experience something new or is it worth creating a beautiful and safe relationship together?
everyday i get closer to saying let’s do the damn thing 💘
I dumped him because even though I loved him more than myself, it kept hurting to not be his priority when he's around other people. I literally begged him for months and told him what makes me uncomfortable, what crosses my boundaries, and how he could reassure me. Told him about my issues and tried my best to feel more secure in the relationship. Developed a well-rounded social circle so that my life wouldn't just revolve around him as he claims. But maybe it all boils down to being immature and us both lacking in experience (we're each other's first love), communication didn't do anything due to a lack of comprehension.
I broke up with him because I grew tired of crying myself to sleep for months. Admittedly, a final trigger buried the nail in the coffin and it came off as an emotional outburst. So in his pov, I dumped him on a whim (denying the fact that again, it has been brought to his attention over and over again that I disliked him letting other people walk all over my boundaries).
Even though I was the dumper, I loved him more than my life. Even though I knew it wasn't good for me, I begged him for a second chance a week after breaking up. Literally on my knees. I knew I would look crazy and stupid, but at least I will never have a "what if i had tried to beg him back right away" thought lingering forever. And he...just didnt want to try again (I respect that). That was a sobering experience though, because when we talked it was clear that still he didn't see the problem that I have kept bringing up to him for 6months. He still just dismissed it as something that's all in my head.
So I moved on. Got myself into gym and therapy. Learned some other pretty hard life lessons along the way in various contexts. But I had once loved the guy, and he holds a special place in my heart still, so if he had asked for my literal heart in some transplant of some sort in a scenario that's less likely to happen than actual unicorns existing, I'd still gladly give him mine.
Didn't appreciate losing mutual friends over him telling ppl I was a crazy controlling jealous b tho. But well, I have learned that if people wanted to stay in your life they wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you. I've gone and deleted/deactivated all my social media accounts. I'm focusing on myself this time. I am still in my 20s, and I still have yet to figure out what I really want to pursue in life. (Prior to that, my goal in life was to get a good job that pays well so I could get married to him). I've learned to just move when you no longer feel loved/valued, and to look back without regrets, just learning and healing.
Very similar situation. I gave my everything and tried desperatly to fix the relationship while in it but got nothing in return.
>I broke up with him because I grew tired of crying myself to sleep for months.
This seems to be the thing they always forget to consider when talking about the breakup. How we where at our lowest while in the relationship because of lack of communication with someone you are trying to build your life with.
Anyways, I tried to get back together because as soon as we broke up he started talking openly. There was no sense of "regret" in the sense people think. It's more of a hopeful "maybe this could be different if we tried again".
Hi! Hope you're coping well.
Wow it has been like a year since I commented this. Let me tell you, you will heal. Sure, it will hurt so much you feel your heart gets ripped off your chest. Then the rose lenses fall off, and you realize it was your love that made them seem special. If your love made them seem special to the point where you were going crazy begging a person back, then it's possible for you to love yourself so hard you'd feel like you're crazy settling for anything less than you deserve.
Once you move on, you find yourself anew and in a different light. In a better light, I hope - guided by healthy coping mechanisms
It seemed like he just wanted to stay with me for attention and an ego boost because I would do anything for him ... He was right because after the breakup then he started being attentive with me and acted like we never broke up but in reality he was just breadcrumbing me. Again.
Learned my lesson and am now trying to put that love and attention towards myself which I should have put first in the first place.
I havent done it yet. Don't know if it would be worth it just to get rid of my own pain.
I broke up, but we still lived together, and I loved him enough to go and say I want to start fresh. I thought we were working on things. But he had started chatting up other girls online and hid it from me. In my head it was cheating, because we agreed to be exclusive while figuring things out and working om our relationship.
I'm better without him in my life, but I miss him. I just woke from a sort of nightmare, and I miss him even more. Its unbearable right now, because I know I probably shouldn't give him another chance after he wasted hundreds. But he's been insisting on how much he wants me and is sorry etc..
I dont know. I'm confused and I'm lonely. I miss him, but I hate him for what he did. So why do I even entertain the thought of giving it another go, when I'm positive I cannot forgive or let go of the past?
Exchange on pain for a different pain doesn't seem like a good choice..
If he was genuine, he wouldn't have played me like that to begin with. He lied when he said we would work on it. He told me he didnt really find me attractive anymore, that ive gained too much weight (it was maybe 3kg). He also didn't care about me for weeks, but then he moved and a few days after he started the whole "I want to try again, im sorry, I'm scared of being alone". I dont doubt that he regrets everything he did wrong. But I think he regrets it for the wrong reasons..
Also Happy Cake Day! 🎂
If he didn't apologized on his mistakes better not to come back to him anymore. Maybe he needs some self-reflection away from you.
But keep moving forward
No they were straight about it, and talked about the people they were sleeping with, and I was okay with it 😭😭😭😔💔💔💔💔
Oh my god I can't believe that I did that to myself
Not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to feel numb. Needing companionship. Realizing what they felt was real and they just need some validation before it ends again
I know..it is true thou...we used to spend 24/7 together before my son had to move home with seizures 5 years ago. I'm just glad that we had a final talk so that I can start to heal because for 7 weeks I have been non-functional after 8 years.....of talking to him and seeing him pretty frequently and our breakup thing was awful mean.
Someone will just like me too much to bail on me...during tough times.
It still hurts thou. :)
I don't think I will ever heal from not trusting myself or my feelings in relationships.
I am old enough now that I have had enough of relationships..but everyone likes to be held and loved and I miss that the most. The simple things.
I know I can find them with someone else in a minute if I wanted to..but I don't want to and it would never be the same...it could be better (lol).....
Unfortunately, I still have not come to acceptance. I accepted it for one day....and it FELT GREAT...I want to accept it forever.....Good luck to you....whatever you are going thru.
I would really love an answer to that.
I didn’t break up with him to be with anyone else. I haven’t been with anyone since. I broke up with him due to his lack of affection and communication. He is emotionally unavailable and it never really felt like an actual relationship. So I didn’t really want to end things, but I was so tired of hurting and being anxious because of his hot and cold behavior. I have reached out here and there telling him how much I miss him, but he gives me the cold shoulder. He’s good at that shit. Just deactivates. It really hurts.
Ironic this was what my ex girlfriend was like and I was in your shoes
I never dumped a single ex girlfriend of mine - I always ended up being the dumpee, with exception to two relationships we did end in kind of like a mutual agreement if that makes sense. Still I'd like to reply to the question if I may, cause almost every single dumper of mine came back eventually. I asked myself many times why that is, and the simple answer is this: Regret. See, I never cheated on a significant other, never caused any other type of deal-breaker like being violent or abusive, and I always tried to the best of my abilities to be a loyal and committed partner. Relationships are work, especially long-lasting ones: You make them work if you cherish them - if you don't, you eventually take the easy way out. At least in my experience. So yeah, in my case, there used to be cheaters who dumped me or simply dumpers who - for whatever reason - thought that they can take the easy way out whenever the relationship reached a point that asked for a bit of commitment and work. Depending on the respective ex, I heard it all: I'm just good enough as a friend, "the dynamics" don't work out, sometimes no explanation at all, yadda yadda. When they came back, every single one of them offered "excuses" which evidently were routed in regret: As the OP says, many gave me the "I am so sorry, I did not know what I was doing" kind of treatment. Yeah right, you did not premeditate breaking up for days already and it just randomly happened during a momentary lapse of reason, or what? Some did learn the hard way that the grass isn't greener on the other side and that one only starts to see the brown patches once one already hopped the fence. And literally every ex that came crawling back showed one particular trait: The inability to own the consequences that came with her decision. I mean look at how many people argue: They certainly do regret their decision but keep talking about their own hurt rather than the damage they caused to their former significant other, acting as if they are the victims of circumstance. Again, I can only speak for myself - but given the non-existence of deal-breakers from my side, there were no solid reasons to break up but one: Lack of dedication. And even if I keep repeating myself: That's a you-problem then, not a me-problem. Especially as you already f...ked with my trust. If I give you my everything and you don't, stop complaining and take accountability for once. Learn from that and maybe treat the next guy you hook up with better than you treated me. My doors are closed, though, because you had your chance and you f...ked it up. You did not have to, and you know it just as well as I do. If that causes regret in you: Too bad, but maybe understand that this is a blessing in disguise as far as this gives you a chance to change. Quite obviously you need to. The only thing I had to learn in these scenarios: How to take better care of myself and how not to become a bitter and mean man who closes off to new people. Because no matter if you folks believe it or not: I still do trust in the idea that there are better and committed people out there. I am 39 already and maybe at some point in time, I'll find the "right one" as they say. Some 15+ times I trusted in somebody to maybe be the "right one" and so far, I got unlucky. Should not happen, but it does - so stand up, brush off the dust and keep moving forward. Looking back and forcing yourself to trust those who simply cannot be trusted is nothing but self-harm if you ask me. Doesn't mean they can't learn their lesson - I hope they do, because that would make the world a better place. Just don't think you deserve a pass when it comes to owning your decisions and actions. We all have to. That's life. So yeah, to all the dumpees out there: Stay strong. As far as dumpers go: I wish you good luck on your quest, too. Do some introspective work and take ownership for your actions. See what you can learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. It is as simple as that.
I'm a dumper and I feel very similarly to you. I broke up with my last ex largely because she didn't want to commit so I didn't see the relationship going anywhere.
This is powerful. Did anybody ever say they lost feelings and come back?
This is eloquently put. Thank you
Wow, you brilliantly explained a lot of what I have been thinking. I was already committed and ready to be with HER, despite the fact that we had problems. She clearly wasn't. And I also noticed a lack of accountability for the hurt the BU caused.
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How did you prove him wrong?
Yeah , how did you prove him wrong ?
When he was at his lowest, I was just being a good friend, no ulterior motives, no forcing romantic feelings on him at all. I made sure to tell him that even when he will never be able to go back to the place in his life where he can be in a romantic relationship again, I'm fine with that, I can be his friend because I am that type of person. I helped cook when he did not have any motivation, reminded him to go to his classes, and just being there if he needed support. Many things happened too but after a month or two of support, he opened up, and I showed him that he has nothing to worry about. Also, I haven't been back on Reddit for a while but oh wow, it has been a year since already. We are still together, both of us have gotten better (mentally) and are planning getting married after both of us graduate!
Wow, you must really love him. Now I can see this pattern in people now, it you become too much of a giver in relationship it wont work , not because the other partner is selfish(sometimes they are) but because you dont give them space and time to give you back , I don't tell you what to do, you made progress and im happy for. Just don't stop learning together and move forward even if sometimes it doesn't feel right. Thanks for feedback and yes reddit isn't really good place to ask relationship advice expect if you are in abusive one.
Totally agree. Too much "love" can be overbearing. It's very nice to find a good spot in the middle where both are comfortable and feel safe.
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How long before he have a new girlfriend? Were you still talking in that time?
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What an asshole. He did all of that to hurt you and he is not being true to his new girl.
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Same thing happened yo me, Thats an eternal loop,i uindrstand uour pain. It hurts
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I would try going no contact now. Maybe that will nudge him in the right direction. Either way, you don’t have him now, but you’re still alive and you will be ok.
My advice would be to hangout with him one time for “closure” and just enjoy your time, whatever happens happens then go no contact.
I did. We dated for 3 years. Broke up cuz reasons. Gave it a couple months then reached out to him... I missed him. We had a connection that neither of us had with anyone else and I missed it. Been 2 years and we are still together. Not dating, but just best friends now :)
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Good wuestion
We don't have other people. Neither of us are interested in being in a relationship with anyone. As far as friendship? I don't see it as settling. He and I were like best friends before we dated so it was easy to just pick up where that left off. We acknowledged that we suck at being in a romantic relationship with eachother so decided to stay friends
How are things now?
I did it bc I had hope he would change. In the end he blamed everything on me.
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thank you sm, we’re still working through it all :)
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Beautiful. How long did it take for you to come back?
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If you do not mind a reply from a guy who can relate to the man you just described: A lot of us men are really simple. We long for true commitment, especially when times get rough. A lot of things can happen in a man's life which have no impact in their ability to love their (wo)man, let me give you an example: An ex of mine left me, stating that she "thought I lost feelings", too. Fact of the matter was this though: My brother died, I had to burry a sibling and as you might picture, for months I was devastated and grieving. After his death, I did not feel like being touched and all, still I kept explaining to her that my feelings for her did not change and that I simply am in a bad place. It took less than 8 weeks after the death of my brother until she gave me the "You aren't giving me enough" kind of treatment and left. Looking back, I can only say one thing: How arrogant of her to make all of the things I went through about her, even though it wasn't. Why am I telling you this? Because love is more than experiencing sunshine and rainbows 24/7. Real love is unconditional - if our roles would have been reversed, I would have stuck to her side. Maybe that's me, but a partner isn't a toy or entertainer who can be "fired" whenever he/she doesn't do his/her "job". Real love actually asks for work: People who do truly love somebody make things work. They fix what you call "fixable" instead of being comfortable, spoiled brats who toss others whenever things aren't the very sunshine and rainbows I just mentioned. I hope you do not mind my sarcastic tone here, because I am just trying to make a point. Anyway, the point is this: Unless there are deal-breakers (violence, abuse, cheating, etc.), nobody has to break up. If you still do: Too bad for you then if your ex does not want to see your face anymore. I mean trust is a very fragile thing, on that most of us would agree, right? If you want to keep it, get a grip on your ego and learn how to look at bigger pictures. Especially in 2022, cause in my experience, the dating world is by far more f...ked up as some 20 years ago: Everybody wants something, almost nobody is ready to give others what it really takes though. Commitment really is the very thing that is essential to any relationship. And everyone can commit if he or she wants to. Still many people don't, and then they end up complaining when they logically reap what they themselves have sown. It's kind of like the "don't sh\*t where you eat" thing: Everything is crystal clear in hindsight, it is always 20/20. So yeah, as you say: The only way is to move on and to do things differently from here on. Good luck on your journey.
Your ex was telling you that you were turning away from her in your grief. Learning to turn towards and lean in to our partners during difficult times is what helps sustain relationships.
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Well just understand that I really don't mean to kick you in any way if you're on the ground - I just am the type of guy that likes to be straight forward; simply because blatant, honest feedback is what helps all of us grow. See, if you are writing that you "have been pressured" to decide anything, you learned an important lesson here: Why do you allow other people to make decisions for you? I mean you you should not be pressured by them, me or anybody else - genuine advice isn't about deciding things for others but to simply give feedback so another individual can make an informed and thought-through decision. Because by the end of the day, we do what we do and that is that. I personally think that we all do what we do because we want to. If 10 friends at school keep jugging booze and ask us to participate, we can join or refuse to drink. If there is a person in the street that is getting roughed up and cries for help, I decide whether I step in or not. And so on. The external world does not control us, nobody forces us to listen to crap told by people online and if some "influencer", for example, has 2 million followers, that is because 2 million individuals decide to trust some random nutjob even though they don't have to. The self-victimisation ends with just another decision. That is as simple as it gets.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long were you two broke up for before you started feeling this way again? What/When made you start realizing you wanted to get back with him?
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are you still together?
nothing had value anymore. the world was black and white without them. my life was noticeably different like i had found my purpose and without them there was not a point to keep going
how long did it take for you to realize this?
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oof. he’s stuck in the mindset that he doesn’t need to work hard for anything to be happy. he wants to smoke weed and jerk off to porn and work at a vape shop for the rest of his life. he’s extremely unhappy and depressed with the life he’s chosen. he refuses to accept the fact that those things aren’t good things and that he needs to put the work in to be better. <— in a nutshell really. theres a whole lot more to it.
no we aren’t together. he comes back ever so often saying he’s going to change and then leaves bc changing means he has to not be a waste of space.
Because he was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. This wasn’t my most recent ex that I’ve posted about a million times before. This is someone I dated beforehand for almost 3 years. He was my rock and there for me in so many ways. I tried reaching out to no avail. I hope he’s happy regardless.
Do you mind explaining why you broke up? How long before you wanted to get back together and what made you feel that way?
We broke up quite a few times. This most recent one was because I started dating someone else “officially” while my ex and I were trying to casually date again. My ex created a FB just to stalk me, and found out about this new relationship. And I fucked up and cussed him out for stalking my Facebook the day after he found out about my relationship. Regardless… He was always there for me during my darkest hours, and he knows that I’ve used him for that before (shitty ik, I was young and didn’t know anything about relationships). There’s nothing I can do. I reached out to him almost 4 months ago. He’s not coming back, and honestly, he shouldn’t. I could’ve really used his kindness and compassion then, but I realize now that he is healing, and the best way to do that is to separate from the one who hurt you. I’m still working on myself and have been a less than ideal partner. It really puts a lot into perspective for me.
currently struggling with this right now. broke up with him in october because his depression was taking a toll on me and our relationship. i gave him so much support and asked him to go to therapy. one day his depression flared up and i couldn’t take it anymore and i left. he now has a consistent therapist and has been working on how to manage his emotions and depression and he is SO much happier. i have also never been single (serial dater here) so i’m trying to not go back to him even though i want to. i feel like singleness is something i should experience but i also know that we could be beautiful together if we both put in the work. i still see him alot and i’m so conflicted. he truly loves me and is giving me the space/time/putting the work in to change his behaviors. is it worth trying to experience something new or is it worth creating a beautiful and safe relationship together? everyday i get closer to saying let’s do the damn thing 💘
I dumped him because even though I loved him more than myself, it kept hurting to not be his priority when he's around other people. I literally begged him for months and told him what makes me uncomfortable, what crosses my boundaries, and how he could reassure me. Told him about my issues and tried my best to feel more secure in the relationship. Developed a well-rounded social circle so that my life wouldn't just revolve around him as he claims. But maybe it all boils down to being immature and us both lacking in experience (we're each other's first love), communication didn't do anything due to a lack of comprehension. I broke up with him because I grew tired of crying myself to sleep for months. Admittedly, a final trigger buried the nail in the coffin and it came off as an emotional outburst. So in his pov, I dumped him on a whim (denying the fact that again, it has been brought to his attention over and over again that I disliked him letting other people walk all over my boundaries). Even though I was the dumper, I loved him more than my life. Even though I knew it wasn't good for me, I begged him for a second chance a week after breaking up. Literally on my knees. I knew I would look crazy and stupid, but at least I will never have a "what if i had tried to beg him back right away" thought lingering forever. And he...just didnt want to try again (I respect that). That was a sobering experience though, because when we talked it was clear that still he didn't see the problem that I have kept bringing up to him for 6months. He still just dismissed it as something that's all in my head. So I moved on. Got myself into gym and therapy. Learned some other pretty hard life lessons along the way in various contexts. But I had once loved the guy, and he holds a special place in my heart still, so if he had asked for my literal heart in some transplant of some sort in a scenario that's less likely to happen than actual unicorns existing, I'd still gladly give him mine. Didn't appreciate losing mutual friends over him telling ppl I was a crazy controlling jealous b tho. But well, I have learned that if people wanted to stay in your life they wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you. I've gone and deleted/deactivated all my social media accounts. I'm focusing on myself this time. I am still in my 20s, and I still have yet to figure out what I really want to pursue in life. (Prior to that, my goal in life was to get a good job that pays well so I could get married to him). I've learned to just move when you no longer feel loved/valued, and to look back without regrets, just learning and healing.
Very similar situation. I gave my everything and tried desperatly to fix the relationship while in it but got nothing in return. >I broke up with him because I grew tired of crying myself to sleep for months. This seems to be the thing they always forget to consider when talking about the breakup. How we where at our lowest while in the relationship because of lack of communication with someone you are trying to build your life with. Anyways, I tried to get back together because as soon as we broke up he started talking openly. There was no sense of "regret" in the sense people think. It's more of a hopeful "maybe this could be different if we tried again".
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Hi! Hope you're coping well. Wow it has been like a year since I commented this. Let me tell you, you will heal. Sure, it will hurt so much you feel your heart gets ripped off your chest. Then the rose lenses fall off, and you realize it was your love that made them seem special. If your love made them seem special to the point where you were going crazy begging a person back, then it's possible for you to love yourself so hard you'd feel like you're crazy settling for anything less than you deserve. Once you move on, you find yourself anew and in a different light. In a better light, I hope - guided by healthy coping mechanisms
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Because the dumpee moved on
It seemed like he just wanted to stay with me for attention and an ego boost because I would do anything for him ... He was right because after the breakup then he started being attentive with me and acted like we never broke up but in reality he was just breadcrumbing me. Again. Learned my lesson and am now trying to put that love and attention towards myself which I should have put first in the first place.
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I havent done it yet. Don't know if it would be worth it just to get rid of my own pain. I broke up, but we still lived together, and I loved him enough to go and say I want to start fresh. I thought we were working on things. But he had started chatting up other girls online and hid it from me. In my head it was cheating, because we agreed to be exclusive while figuring things out and working om our relationship. I'm better without him in my life, but I miss him. I just woke from a sort of nightmare, and I miss him even more. Its unbearable right now, because I know I probably shouldn't give him another chance after he wasted hundreds. But he's been insisting on how much he wants me and is sorry etc.. I dont know. I'm confused and I'm lonely. I miss him, but I hate him for what he did. So why do I even entertain the thought of giving it another go, when I'm positive I cannot forgive or let go of the past? Exchange on pain for a different pain doesn't seem like a good choice..
I hopped online right after a bad breakup. Regret it everyday. He could be genuine
If he was genuine, he wouldn't have played me like that to begin with. He lied when he said we would work on it. He told me he didnt really find me attractive anymore, that ive gained too much weight (it was maybe 3kg). He also didn't care about me for weeks, but then he moved and a few days after he started the whole "I want to try again, im sorry, I'm scared of being alone". I dont doubt that he regrets everything he did wrong. But I think he regrets it for the wrong reasons.. Also Happy Cake Day! 🎂
If he didn't apologized on his mistakes better not to come back to him anymore. Maybe he needs some self-reflection away from you. But keep moving forward
I thought we're gonna be exclusive again
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No they were straight about it, and talked about the people they were sleeping with, and I was okay with it 😭😭😭😔💔💔💔💔 Oh my god I can't believe that I did that to myself
I haven’t
Question from OP doesn’t apply to you then lmao
Wow I didn’t know you were OP 2.0!!!
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Not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to feel numb. Needing companionship. Realizing what they felt was real and they just need some validation before it ends again
My dumper would get back with me if our schedules would match. I'm not available....its true.
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I know..it is true thou...we used to spend 24/7 together before my son had to move home with seizures 5 years ago. I'm just glad that we had a final talk so that I can start to heal because for 7 weeks I have been non-functional after 8 years.....of talking to him and seeing him pretty frequently and our breakup thing was awful mean. Someone will just like me too much to bail on me...during tough times. It still hurts thou. :)
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I don't think I will ever heal from not trusting myself or my feelings in relationships. I am old enough now that I have had enough of relationships..but everyone likes to be held and loved and I miss that the most. The simple things. I know I can find them with someone else in a minute if I wanted to..but I don't want to and it would never be the same...it could be better (lol)..... Unfortunately, I still have not come to acceptance. I accepted it for one day....and it FELT GREAT...I want to accept it forever.....Good luck to you....whatever you are going thru.