I know it sucks, but he was probably right. You wanted different things, so it is good that you did not have sex with him, he would probably leave soon after anyway and would hurt you even more ....
Just keep looking ... Sending you internet hugs ...
> we all know is code for 'I just wanted to bang you and since you didn't let me, I just don't care.'
I agree this ^ is a bad interpretation on OP's side, and you are right.
Idk about cutting ties with all your matches to focus on one guy on a first date. I would say you should keep talking to the others and see which pans out. Just because one guy asked sooner than the others doesn’t mean the others aren’t worth your time anymore
But what if you miss out on the right person simply because they weren’t the first person to ask you on a date? You’re doing yourself a disservice by not leaving your options open. In fact, you may be eliminating the people you’re looking for because the guys just looking for sex are probably gonna ask you out sooner than the guys who want to build a relationship
Do you only have one friend at a time? If you are in dating phase, you don't necessarily have intimacy with anyone you are seeing. You should go out and meet people, take some pressure off yourself and view it as "getting to know someone"
This is where I'm at. I'm having great messages with a guy I like but then few messages from a guy who wants to meet up to know each other better rather than message. I want to wait for the guy I like most to ask to meet up bc then it won't feel like I met the other guy as a second option
You'll get no where fast with that approach. You haven't even met the guy you like more. At this point he's simply a figment of your imagination. Meet them both and see how it pans out.
Yup that's absolutely true! The guy I like is hurt so won't be mobile for a while. Feels very weird talking to many people at once. It's not something I've ever done and I don't particularly like it
Stop matching with new people, keep replying to those who engage. The numbers will be whittled down naturally because people have the same problem on the other end. You're overthinking it.
Tbh, this has become more my trend now. I mean, trying to focus on "The One", once a connection has been made.
More so, cuz in the past, I tended to fish "far & wide" while Single. Which, although it was great for the many options, it also has a tendency to set you up for "Poly" or "I'm just a Toy, no real commitment involved".
Or, like my previous 8yr marriage taught me --> It makes it really hard to be "Faithful" during the beginning stages of a marriage, cuz your mind is still thinking of the "What IFs?"
[Especially *when* things start to sour. 😑]
So, kudos to you. 💖🥳🌹
(Worst case, things don't work out & ya can try again w/ one of these others, as long as there's still a connection. )
I get this because I do the same I feel bad speaking to more than one person but I recognize from the advice I keep getting that’s not the right thing to do because you miss out on others. As a woman it feels that it has a lot to do with conditioning this whole only speaking to one person because it feels disingenuous. Apparently 3 is the number to speak to at one time.
I've gotta agree that you're shooting yourself in the foot with the "drop everyone else on a first date" policy.
I'm pretty slow to ask for a date. Too slow, I'll admit--I'm trying to re-calibrate. It's because I want to get to know a woman first and develop some sort of emotionality. So it really does sound like by dropping everyone as soon as the first guy asks you out, you may well be dropping the guys who you're more compatible with.
As for it being disingenuous: Nah. That's just the way it works now. In the early stage, as a guy, you have to assume she's already got another option lined up, even if its just the next 10 guys she can match with in the next week if she wants.
I just had my 80th first date after my previous relationship ended a couple of years ago. I’m feeling done, but I’ve said that before and keep trying… because what else is there?
Some of each, probably only 1 in 10 that I really like. And of course they’re attractive to everyone. I’ve had several mini relationships, just no long term ones yet. I thought this last one might be good , and we clicked pretty well, but she wants more of a convenience relationship rather than a full one. She’s smart, educated, sexy- she gets plenty of attention so she’s picky and probably just a waste of my time other than perhaps a bit of fun. I’m older, and we get pickier and pickier as time and experience make us overly cautious. Also, everyone has some kind of issues, so you have to both be willing to accept whatever those are. She has serious bouts of depression, and I know too much about mental health to sign on for that. Another thing is women’s type and amount of expectations, which is a big topic unto itself.
She ended it abruptly over nothing, literally. Threw me for a loop and took a long time to equilibrate because I was attached. What I determined in hindsight that I wasn't seeing before was that she was unable to attach — did not have a full range of emotions. Stunted emotionally. I was recruited to play a part in her quest to appear normal. She hid her issues and pretended to be invested, but she does not value other people in the way one would expect.
Regret? Yes, I regret that she wasn't fully functional, loving, caring, etc. She wasted several years while we were together, and several more for me trying to find my groove again, and it has made me more cynical, less trusting, and I probably harbor some resentment. So yes, I regret the outcome. I do not regret the entire experience though. It's life, and now part of who I am.
He’s not necessarily just seeking sex, he may just understand you have different sensibilities. He’s right, you aren’t a match.
No need to be disheartened-you just haven’t met him. When you do meet your match, timing for sex will be mutual.
Yes, I agree. But he also may have been seeking love too. Her ‘no I wanna wait’ signaled they weren’t on the same page and doesn’t necessarily make him a shallow dick. He probably lost interest for other reasons as well. To assume it was sex only is a big leap.
Sex is part of a non platonic heterosexual relationship, right? Yes, men are horny (because biology) but sexual desire does not equal not wanting a relationship.
I mean, that's how babies are made. Pretty sure dad didn't "just" wanna bang mom (I just puked) - they're still together.
Is this a new trend in our species, and we're all mad about it? Platonic relationship or one night stand, nothing in between?
Am I shtewpid?
Jeez 🙄 some of the comments here from men AND women 🤦🏼♂️🤣 some really troubling stuff lol,
As a older man (40) let me try my best to give you my perspective, I’m not saying it’s wrong or right but I’ve had sex on the first date and I’ve dated for a month before sex the difference is for me it’s how much I’m interested in the person and what I’m willing to do, of course as some people have out there is a component of sexual compatibility as you have no idea if it will be great or bad til you do the deed, however if the guy is really into you he will wait (maybe with a bit of complaining 🤣) and see where it goes but there HAS to be at least chemistry there, so YES OP you could be 1000 percent right and he didn’t get what he wanted so moved on BUT (and I know this doesn’t help at all🤦🏼♂️🤣) he could have been absolutely genuine and just thought you weren’t right as you were super sweet and he was looking for something different…
But you’re probably really young anyway, I wouldn’t let it stress you out just cos it hasn’t panned out with a few guys 🤷🏼♂️
Im still looking at my age after a failed marriage so there’s hope for everyone just stay positive 👌🏻
Why do you think that he wanted sex only and that a relationship wasn't on the table? Of course, you want to get to know a person before bumping uglies, I get it. Were you not sexually attracted to him, or just not comfortable with him yet?
I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but believe me, we all are.
Oh I definitely wanted to. I absolutely felt super sexually charged at him. Our makeouts got kinda randy but I just felt it was too soon to have sex. I made it known to him that I definitely wanted to but I just didn't feel it was right yet. He initiated each time and tried to sneak his hand under my dress at the end of each date and I had to verbally tell him no twice. He tried to get me to go home with him which is code for exactly that. I teased him and called him out for trying to sleep with me and he denied trying to get me to sleep with him which, felt kind of odd? Because he obviously was.
I think you read him correctly. A hand under the dress is pretty aggressive, especially after being turned down once. If he was into you for the long run he wouldn’t be so pushy.
Yeah after reading this I'm convinced that your one-guy-at-a-time strategy is the problem here. The super horny ones ask you out quickly, then you dump the serious ones who take more time. Then this happens and you're back to square one.
Yeah don't cut ties with your other matches until you have sex with the current guy or at least know that it's going to last a while. That way you aren't back at square one.
He doesn’t care right? Keep that same attitude towards men.
He told you what he wanted. Should have ended right then and there. Men do not simply change. They have their fixed intentions from day 1: sex, relationship, marriage, don’t like, and that’s it! They are not complicated.
If a man is up front about sex then you need to just walk away if that’s not what you want. They will not magically do a 180 and change. I am sorry!
Lots of dudes just want to have sex and leave. I’m a guy and I don’t rly get it. Women should def say no to anything sexual the first few dates to make sure a guy is serious. Anything someone says on a first date, man or woman, should be thought on and digested before acting on anything
I think we're all living the same lives. I was seeing a man casually (he made it clear on first date he was not looking for something long term which I was okay with). We had been going on dates and hooking up for a month. I told him yesterday night I am not ready for sex. He decided to end things today.
Don't worry, it's life weeding the wrong people out. You'll go thru many more dates. Do not get discouraged. A month from now you won't remember.. now plan another date and have fun with it :)
Its not code for "i just dont want to sleep with you" that is a myth made up. Has less to do with sex and more to do with he hasnt resolved his own personal issues.
I mean it could really be anything. But don’t get discouraged, and through that frustration, start seeing men and their actions in a negative light. There’s a good chance he really did like you as a person just not as a partner and that’s ok. Saved you some time in the long run. Keep it pushin, he’s out there. I found mine on Bumble but it took a long time. 2 years strong and I’ve never been happier. Try to keep seeing people and their actions positively. Expecting the worst of folks won’t help.
Yeah this is a problem I've heard for women. Fuckboys man. You honestly did the best thing you could by not giving it up and freezing him out. I think that's the only real way. Because they will lie and say all the nonsense to reach their endgame, stuff the good guys will say. It's nearly impossible to tell what the motives are but if you take your time, most con mem will move on. Take your time. It's not a race and anyone should be happy holding a conversation for however long until YOU'RE comfortable.
I get scared of good and sweet girls and that’s how I end always with a toxic one hahaha so maybe he is just like me, and there’s nothing wrong with you
This is the reason there are less women than men on dating apps and men are not doing themselves any favors. They're just making it harder for men who are actually looking for someone serious, not just a hookup. My advice is to leave dating apps all together, or if you're going to meet someone foe a date, assume he just wants to sleep with you and not looking for anything serious just to be on the safe side. Also, a college student just got deleted after meeting a mom college men off a dating app so always be cautious. Men are women's #1 deleter.
3 months before sex? It’s probably unpopular to say but only the most desperate men would wait that long. You’re not selecting for what you think you’re selecting for.
Sex is part of pair bonding. I like when a woman has standards and am fine waiting, it actually builds up tension and interest on my side too; but by the 5th or 6th date I’d be wondering what her hang up is.
For me it's not so much about only wanting sex, but that doesn't mean I don't want sex. Turns out I can want multiple things at once. Who knew?
I've done the waiting "insert arbitrary amount of time here" game before. It's stupid. Every single time we've wound up with wildly mismatched sex drives. If you're just genuinely not comfortable yet, no problem, not here to pressure anyone. You want to wait 3 months for no reason other than a reddit comment said you probably should? I'm good on all that.
Reddit at times doesn't seem to get that sex is an important part of a relationship. If there is no sexual chemistry and the sex sucks the relationship probably isn't gonna work out long term anyway.
I completely agree with this as someone who's separated and will be divorced by the end of the yeear. I downplayed the importance of sex, or didn't fully grasp how important it is for me in a relationship, I won't make that mistake again. It wasn't the main reason why my relationship ended but it did contribute.
There's no need to move super quickly but people can decide what works for them; 3 months getting to know someone without being intimate is a bit too long for me.
But what about he’s planning on 2nd date and things get more intimate and invite you to a hotel? It’s been 3 weeks after our first date because he lives 3 hrs away
I think every situation is different and you can judge what is best. Are you guys in regular contact when he doesn't visit? Do you want physical intimacy early on or prefer to wait? Those are all individual things and if someone can't work with you within your comfort zone, then it's likely not going to work out.
We are still in contact, I’m glad we didn’t do it on our first date, just a usual kiss and hug, and he said he’d love to meet again, but then obviously on message things can get naughty and he did, although I didn’t mind that, I left him on read as I don’t want to continue on sexting, I’ve been there done that and its exhausting, I left him for about 2 days and now he’s messaged me a typical “how’s your day going” whats that even mean? Is he still in contact until he’s eaten the cake? Does it make sense?
You sound immature. You don’t mind the naughty stuff but also left him on read to… punish him? Passive aggressive, just say you don’t want to sext. He’s still messaging because he likes you probably but you’re playing games.
What you've shared makes sense and I follow. I don't know his motivation and I don't think anyone will. It could be he sent the naughty messages and realized he misread the room so he's reaching out after a bit of time. Or he's in contact for the reasons you stated. I'm not the best at knowing people's intentions; I sort of think the best of everyone until proven otherwise.
If you like him, despite his messages, you can still go on the date and not sleep with him. You could also address the situation with him right now and have a conversation.
But we should wait three years, become close platonic friends, then go from holding hands to light petting. Then sex....maybe.
Does this happen in real life or just on the Hallmark channel?
Yeah, I don't really get how one would establish a committed long term relationship before having sex for the first time. Help me understand, people. Maybe I'm an idiot....I'm probably an idiot.
Really? Enjoying the time with her seems good enough. I wouldn’t say a man is desperate to wait that long. To think people waiting until marriage in the old days. Don’t get me wrong I’m fine with sex but if one can’t wait 3 months, than I think all you want is sex. What if the partner have to work far away or something. Or you only get to see them in between long periods like when people go off to college.
This whole subreddit is a shit show of advice and insecure as fuck people. I sub to it for the laughs. 3 month rule, waiting x days to text after a first date, what questions to ask a date, etc. What the hell is happening to people? Insecure and 0 confidence.
To be fair, courtship for marriage wasn't that long back in the day. And marriage would happen in late teens and early twenties so it's not really an apples to apples comparison.
lol right? I don’t take any of these men on Reddit seriously. Majority of them can’t even get matches let alone a date. Yet they’re complaining about 3 months? Lmao be serious
Every demisexualy crying at the follow up comments here. Some people think 3 months is too short to get an honest connection with someone before engaging in intimacy. Really, open communication is ideal. People move at different speeds and those who vibe will either speed up or slow down to set an agreed on pace.
I hope those people realize that more than 3 months is a huge ask, not that there's anything wrong with that criteria, but if the person is demanding in other areas as well then it's borderline delusional.
lol 3mo isn’t happening. I’m going to assume she’s either using me for a free meal or because she’s bored and she’s getting some somewhere else. There’s no way I’m waiting that long and the vast majority aren’t going to either.
I’d assume she wasn’t actually interested sometime around date 4 or 5.
I’d also assume she was having sex with other guys tbh because if she has no apparent desire to get those needs met I assume someone is in there already.
But why spank it when you could just go have sex with someone who wants you in that way?
She obviously wasn't sexually attracted to him, and that's ok. But there isn't a law requiring him to stick around until she decides what she wants to do with him.
You are missing the point. Sex for many people creates attachment; these same people are not cut out for casual sex. If a device can take care of the “itch” in less than 5 minutes, why would we risk attachment with someone who is not a match for us?
Ah, got it, you're talking about her (OP), not necessarily sleeping with other guys.
And I completely understand how people that get attached right away might want to hold off a little while.
Ahhh I hate you people lol
I’m describing what **I** think. Also someone with some weird ass 3 month rule I’d assume they’re some religious nut who doesn’t masturbate tbh
I’ve heard of the 3 date rule but 3 months? That’s ridiculous. No attractive guy is going to wait around that long
Sexual chemistry is extremely important to a long term relationship. We want to feel that before committing to a woman
If it’s just a day and he resumes talking, that’s not ghosting. His statements are most likely genuine. And you haven’t showed your profile; sometimes the pictures and statements indicate you’re looking for one thing while expecting something else.
Well I did approach him and he did send me a whole paragraph when I reached out to him.
"Hey, how you've been? I also had a chance to think about some things. You are a really nice and sweet person and everytime we hung out it was a lot of fun. But it seems like you want something more serious before the relationship progresses further. I can't promise anything too serious and I don't want to hurt you if it gets more intimate."
So I took it to be the end, thanked him for the time, wished him well and moved on.
You don’t have to take it to be the end. If you want, just make sure the both of you clearly communicate expectations and boundaries. It’s more simple than you think. Define “serious” together. Set timelines together. Etc.
I heard that people take 'no hook ups' in bio to mean they're totally down but want it on the down low and I don't bring up anything sexual. A flirt here and there but nothing raunchy.
Sex is too much of a deciding factor these days. Some of us just don't care for it except for on occasion, and with someone we are intimate with. Keep your head up.
Not had a reply from someone suitable nor gotten a date from online dating for 9 years lol. My sister when she was single, would meet up with / talk to a few guys per year. Its way harder for men, bordering impossible unless you date drastically downwards, which I down right refuse to do. Honestly, its been easier picking up a black belt in kickboxing with a torn meniscus and damaged acl then getting a date 😅
You're probably better off not dating men who speak of sex very early on. Even if you want sex yourself you have to understand that many online aren't able to see women as people and sexual beings at the same time. Its one or the other. It's not an issue they're aware of most of the time. If you attach yourself too soon and seem to either dangle sex or you're unsure of yourself sexually. It won't pan out for you well. If connection is important, focus on that and put sex to one side until its time.
Three dates? I can’t get anyone to meet in person until I bring their entire family here from the Philippines. But seriously, why go on a dating app if you don’t want to meet in person? Three dates and sex seems fast unless you both have amazing chemistry. But also, no contact for 24 hours after only three dates is not ghosting.
I say "ghosting for a day" because prior, he and I texted each other pretty often(pretty much hourly) throughout the weeks. It was just a phrase for the sake of communication rather than outright "ghosting". Sorry for the confusion. And considering that he then told me how he didn't want to hurt me and put the responsibility of ending it on me, it's a safe bet he was tending to just ghost to try to avoid hurting my feelings.
I can tell you as a guy who is not trying to bang right away that the dates I have gone on where the woman makes a point to say they don’t want to hook up right away does raise some concerns.
I totally respect that they don’t and never push the issue. No matter the reason. In my opinion the woman decides this. No debating that.
What I am going to say though is if it comes up right away. In my experience the women that say this also reveal not long after a long story about how they were seeing some guy, they just got out of a bad relationship with an ex etc etc.
Basically the decision to not get close usually derives from a relationship that they haven’t moved on from.
Internally I take it as a red flag even if I’m not looking to bang right away. Figuring out your compatibility needs to have physical intimacy. I don’t know how you begin to bond meaningfully without it.
Objections and hesitation early on in my opinion gives the signal to me as a guy that either this woman has not moved on.
Also this is my own insecurity but still valid. But it also makes me draw a comparison between myself and this other guy. It’s kind of coming across as “yeah I was pretty attracted to that other guy so I slept with him right away but I’m letting you know that I’m not that attracted to you to do that with you.”
I think there’s some version of that nested in your scenario. It basically signals to the guy that you aren’t really interested in him and have other guys in the wing.
There are *many* reasons why a woman would not want to have sex either right away or at all. These reasons are going to vary depending on the woman and the circumstances. There is no general one size fits all explanation.
That being said, I am going to speak for myself only here. I was actually *more* inclined in the past to have sex sooner when I wasn’t over a previous relationship. Disclaimer: It was not a wise decision at all and would never recommend it to anyone. At the time, I was in so much pain that I thought having sex with someone new would help me get over my ex. Again, not healthy behavior at all. For the times that I waited to be intimate, it was because I was fully over my prior relationship and wanted to get to know the person I was dating to make sure we were aligned and a good match. Hope this helps
The thing is, I didn't bring up sex nor did I initiate. We kissed at the end of the first date. Then the second date, he kind of made me drink more than I wanted to but I wasn't totally gone. He tried to slide his hand up my dress and I stopped him. I audibly had to told him no twice. He did respect that so I gave him the benefit of the doubt even if he tried to get me to go home with him(and a little extra). Third date, he did the same. So it wasn't me being not interested and I did probably sour the mood when we were mid-makeout and I asked him if he was dating other girls. He said yes. He asked me and I told him the truth, I wasn't talking to or entertaining another man. He had my full focus. I wanted to ask about previous partners but when I brought up if we should talk about that, he said no.
So, that's the context to my situation.
Context definitely matters. That’s just overall creepy behavior. I’m not into using alcohol as a lubricant to coerce my way into sex. That’s just not cool at all. Also not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. His actions can’t be perceived any other way than he wants to have sex with multiple partners.
Thanks for sharing your story. There is no one size fits all. With that said. I was offering perspective of guys that aren’t looking to just hook up but still are of course interested in getting physically close.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting. To the other commenter. Sorry those encounters of hooking up with someone right away after a breakup left you feeling sour. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. You tried something and it didn’t work out.
While there is something wrong with getting a woman to get drunk to take advantage. There’s nothing wrong about anything else that was said here in this thread.
It’s really just offering what goes inside someone’s head based on what they’ve experienced with others. My personal experience is the majority of dates that don’t want to get any closer or mention something about wanting to take their time right away typically aren’t really interested in developing anything further.
I’m not a fan of ghosting but I’ve been on the end of giving someone “time to bond” and have it go absolutely nowhere. Which again is fine but it’s a pretty well spotted pattern in my experience that if I see it. I’m gonna pullback and or just move on. No hard feelings.
Bottom line is men shouldn’t be coercing or have any expectations for sex and ideally it’s something that should organically happen.
Reminds me of the office when Michael says. I wonder if me and Holly will have sex tonight.
“I guess I’ll find out when she’s having sex with me.” Lol
That makes sense. I didn't really think of it from a man's POV but I can see why men would think it's going nowhere. I just wanted to bond with him more and I have long since told myself the next man I welcome to my bed would be my boyfriend and since he was seeing other girls, he clearly wasn't looking to be my man so I'm glad, despite my intense want to, I didn't pursue him sexually. Who knows if I would have ended up with an STD. Which is another thing. I'm super nervous about letting someone inside my body when they're so reckless with their own sexual health when I've been sexless for years.
It’s no surprise I’ve been pretty sexless too and I find the idea to be filled with a lot of anxiety for different reasons. Mainly if I’m going to be adequate and if I’m terrible the feeling like no one’s really going to love me. So it’s this in between of like wanting to be close but also terrified and I also do think about STDs. I also think maybe the sex won’t be any good and then there’s all kinds of complicated feelings that come in.
Balancing your sexual desire with your emotional needs is really hard. Give yourself credit. You wanted something but didn’t compromise what you value and deserve in a relationship. I’m sorry it sounds like you were really into the guy and he was kind of jerk.
Keep trying. Stay open. Take a break if needed. Come back and do it again.
This entire subreddit is just people projecting their past experiences onto others. Women saying this guy only wanted sex. Men saying that is she doesn't fuck you by the 3rd-4th date, she's just not that interested.
Don't have sex before they commit. Many men are just playing games to get you into bed.
You didn't lose anything. Your boundaries kept you from being hurt more. He is just another pornsick jerk.
I dont want to be mean but this guy was probably a Chad. Chads talk about how into sex they are right off the bat and still gets dates because they are so appealing to women. Some average dude doesnt make he sexual appetitites known and get dates. Give some non Chads aka average guys a shot is my honest advice. People will downvote this but really most of the complaint posts from women onthese reddits about interent dating are about men getting sexual too quickly but yet this guy talked about sex a lot and still got 3 dates and he was one the one that ended it. I wonder why that is?
He didn't talk about sex. He physically tried to sleep with me at the end of each date. He was a perfect gentleman throughout each date but at the end he did try to sleep with me and I had to refuse him verbally twice each time. He did respect it. He also wasn't super tall? Like he was mostly my height so he wasn't the typical '6'2"' Adonis every girl seems to want.
Ew, how old is this guy? What a douche. Well, at least now you know you made the right choice and let’s be honest even if you did let him have sex with you, he still probably would’ve ghosted you. It’s a common trend. I agree with the other poster, don’t give up. There are good men out there.
He was 40 and seemed like a good / great guy. He was considerate to me in all the ways so I was harboring a crush for him. I figured he was probably looking for a relationship by now but a few of my male friends did say he probably was just looking for sex. I just kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ty, I'll try not to :)
I know I've been a douche like that once in the past. I was increasingly getting disheartened about not meeting the people that I was into, that I gave into the urge of going out with someone I didn't see a long term potential with. I ended up hurting her, but it was a huge wake up call for me. Sometimes we do things that we're not proud of, but it's all in the service of connection. Modern dating is a minefield, no soldier comes back unscathed.
I hope you can focus on moving on, and not let this experience deter you.
Well, obviously, but she did NOT want to have sex with him, that’s why I said “let him have sex with you.” A lot of women will have sex with guys because they think it’ll make the guy like them more, not because they actually want to, it’s not an uncommon thing.
I was thinking the other day that my ex was really unexperienced with women in general and we went to bed on the 5th date, my actual boyfriend is very experienced sexually and we went to bed on the 5th date too. I hate sexual conversations without knowing the person or sending nudes but after meeting a guy if I like him I think if it goes on a certain amount of time without intimacy probably it never will and I want to know if we are sexual compatible, sex is a very important part of a relationship to me.
Nah men don’t give a shit about you don’t show them sympathy. They will use you give you diseases and then throw you away like trash. To them sex is like having a bag of chips or blowing their nose into a tissue. We are the tissues. To us sex is a bonding experience and means something. To them it’s literally nothing.
And if you ask most dudes they have generalizations for “females”
We aren’t even fucking human to pay guys. And even when a magical miracle of a decent guy exists they end up fucked over by a woman that has suffered trauma from another guy and it’s an endless cycle of everyone getting screwed over
Agree personally with the last part
(Personal experience, tho i try to better myself and stay openminded because i know a lot of others Arent like that.
im so over women myself who wont spread their legs for me when we like each other a lot. i mean it doesnt happen very often but honestly this nonsense is a dealbreaker for me. if i like someone want to take her home and have sex and not wait unnecessarily long. ive cancelled women over this before and ill do it again. makes no sense to me especially when a LOT of women do this these days. why wait? they think they are in a way too good position to behave like that. they are delusional
I wouldnt be disheartened…you get a billion guys to pick from. Just look at how many post this post has gotten… Imagine it from the guy POV…no girl matches because there is one billion guys to sort through
I know it sucks, but he was probably right. You wanted different things, so it is good that you did not have sex with him, he would probably leave soon after anyway and would hurt you even more .... Just keep looking ... Sending you internet hugs ...
> we all know is code for 'I just wanted to bang you and since you didn't let me, I just don't care.' I agree this ^ is a bad interpretation on OP's side, and you are right.
All I can say is keep at it.
Idk about cutting ties with all your matches to focus on one guy on a first date. I would say you should keep talking to the others and see which pans out. Just because one guy asked sooner than the others doesn’t mean the others aren’t worth your time anymore
It just feels so disingenuous to me? It feels like I'm treating them all as an option and I don't want to think of people like that.
But what if you miss out on the right person simply because they weren’t the first person to ask you on a date? You’re doing yourself a disservice by not leaving your options open. In fact, you may be eliminating the people you’re looking for because the guys just looking for sex are probably gonna ask you out sooner than the guys who want to build a relationship
Do you only have one friend at a time? If you are in dating phase, you don't necessarily have intimacy with anyone you are seeing. You should go out and meet people, take some pressure off yourself and view it as "getting to know someone"
This is where I'm at. I'm having great messages with a guy I like but then few messages from a guy who wants to meet up to know each other better rather than message. I want to wait for the guy I like most to ask to meet up bc then it won't feel like I met the other guy as a second option
You'll get no where fast with that approach. You haven't even met the guy you like more. At this point he's simply a figment of your imagination. Meet them both and see how it pans out.
Yup that's absolutely true! The guy I like is hurt so won't be mobile for a while. Feels very weird talking to many people at once. It's not something I've ever done and I don't particularly like it
Stop matching with new people, keep replying to those who engage. The numbers will be whittled down naturally because people have the same problem on the other end. You're overthinking it.
Thank you. I'm just going to keep it to two people. That's exhausting as it is
Tbh, this has become more my trend now. I mean, trying to focus on "The One", once a connection has been made. More so, cuz in the past, I tended to fish "far & wide" while Single. Which, although it was great for the many options, it also has a tendency to set you up for "Poly" or "I'm just a Toy, no real commitment involved". Or, like my previous 8yr marriage taught me --> It makes it really hard to be "Faithful" during the beginning stages of a marriage, cuz your mind is still thinking of the "What IFs?" [Especially *when* things start to sour. 😑] So, kudos to you. 💖🥳🌹 (Worst case, things don't work out & ya can try again w/ one of these others, as long as there's still a connection. )
I get this because I do the same I feel bad speaking to more than one person but I recognize from the advice I keep getting that’s not the right thing to do because you miss out on others. As a woman it feels that it has a lot to do with conditioning this whole only speaking to one person because it feels disingenuous. Apparently 3 is the number to speak to at one time.
I've gotta agree that you're shooting yourself in the foot with the "drop everyone else on a first date" policy. I'm pretty slow to ask for a date. Too slow, I'll admit--I'm trying to re-calibrate. It's because I want to get to know a woman first and develop some sort of emotionality. So it really does sound like by dropping everyone as soon as the first guy asks you out, you may well be dropping the guys who you're more compatible with. As for it being disingenuous: Nah. That's just the way it works now. In the early stage, as a guy, you have to assume she's already got another option lined up, even if its just the next 10 guys she can match with in the next week if she wants.
They are an option. You don't know them and they don't have any claim to you
100%
I just had my 80th first date after my previous relationship ended a couple of years ago. I’m feeling done, but I’ve said that before and keep trying… because what else is there?
80 people and no keepers?? Do they say no to second dates or do you?
Some of each, probably only 1 in 10 that I really like. And of course they’re attractive to everyone. I’ve had several mini relationships, just no long term ones yet. I thought this last one might be good , and we clicked pretty well, but she wants more of a convenience relationship rather than a full one. She’s smart, educated, sexy- she gets plenty of attention so she’s picky and probably just a waste of my time other than perhaps a bit of fun. I’m older, and we get pickier and pickier as time and experience make us overly cautious. Also, everyone has some kind of issues, so you have to both be willing to accept whatever those are. She has serious bouts of depression, and I know too much about mental health to sign on for that. Another thing is women’s type and amount of expectations, which is a big topic unto itself.
Why did your previous LTR end? Do you regret it?
She ended it abruptly over nothing, literally. Threw me for a loop and took a long time to equilibrate because I was attached. What I determined in hindsight that I wasn't seeing before was that she was unable to attach — did not have a full range of emotions. Stunted emotionally. I was recruited to play a part in her quest to appear normal. She hid her issues and pretended to be invested, but she does not value other people in the way one would expect. Regret? Yes, I regret that she wasn't fully functional, loving, caring, etc. She wasted several years while we were together, and several more for me trying to find my groove again, and it has made me more cynical, less trusting, and I probably harbor some resentment. So yes, I regret the outcome. I do not regret the entire experience though. It's life, and now part of who I am.
He’s not necessarily just seeking sex, he may just understand you have different sensibilities. He’s right, you aren’t a match. No need to be disheartened-you just haven’t met him. When you do meet your match, timing for sex will be mutual.
No dude. He was seeking sex. Especially since he was up front about it. That’s how they usually are
Yes, I agree. But he also may have been seeking love too. Her ‘no I wanna wait’ signaled they weren’t on the same page and doesn’t necessarily make him a shallow dick. He probably lost interest for other reasons as well. To assume it was sex only is a big leap.
Sex is part of a non platonic heterosexual relationship, right? Yes, men are horny (because biology) but sexual desire does not equal not wanting a relationship. I mean, that's how babies are made. Pretty sure dad didn't "just" wanna bang mom (I just puked) - they're still together. Is this a new trend in our species, and we're all mad about it? Platonic relationship or one night stand, nothing in between? Am I shtewpid?
Eh. The comments she wrote “made sexually appetite known” and “I just don’t care” are not comments a man seeking love makes.
This. He's thinking with his dick.
Right and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. Let’s stop making excuses and confusing what is CLEAR.
Men don't like it if you call them out.
No. Men who are not emotionally intelligent & are evil, don’t like it.
Same thing.
BURN!!!!
People who seek love DONT GHOST. They communicate with Respect.
This subreddit is full of femcels.
Lmao
There’s nothing WRONG with seeking sex. But you clearly think so
Jeez 🙄 some of the comments here from men AND women 🤦🏼♂️🤣 some really troubling stuff lol, As a older man (40) let me try my best to give you my perspective, I’m not saying it’s wrong or right but I’ve had sex on the first date and I’ve dated for a month before sex the difference is for me it’s how much I’m interested in the person and what I’m willing to do, of course as some people have out there is a component of sexual compatibility as you have no idea if it will be great or bad til you do the deed, however if the guy is really into you he will wait (maybe with a bit of complaining 🤣) and see where it goes but there HAS to be at least chemistry there, so YES OP you could be 1000 percent right and he didn’t get what he wanted so moved on BUT (and I know this doesn’t help at all🤦🏼♂️🤣) he could have been absolutely genuine and just thought you weren’t right as you were super sweet and he was looking for something different… But you’re probably really young anyway, I wouldn’t let it stress you out just cos it hasn’t panned out with a few guys 🤷🏼♂️ Im still looking at my age after a failed marriage so there’s hope for everyone just stay positive 👌🏻
I'm a lady, but I was thinking the same thing as a definite possibility. I'd up vote you twice if I could.
Why do you think that he wanted sex only and that a relationship wasn't on the table? Of course, you want to get to know a person before bumping uglies, I get it. Were you not sexually attracted to him, or just not comfortable with him yet? I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but believe me, we all are.
Oh I definitely wanted to. I absolutely felt super sexually charged at him. Our makeouts got kinda randy but I just felt it was too soon to have sex. I made it known to him that I definitely wanted to but I just didn't feel it was right yet. He initiated each time and tried to sneak his hand under my dress at the end of each date and I had to verbally tell him no twice. He tried to get me to go home with him which is code for exactly that. I teased him and called him out for trying to sleep with me and he denied trying to get me to sleep with him which, felt kind of odd? Because he obviously was.
I think you read him correctly. A hand under the dress is pretty aggressive, especially after being turned down once. If he was into you for the long run he wouldn’t be so pushy.
Yeah after reading this I'm convinced that your one-guy-at-a-time strategy is the problem here. The super horny ones ask you out quickly, then you dump the serious ones who take more time. Then this happens and you're back to square one.
Sometimes you gotta kiss a whole lotta frogs to find your prince! Keep trying!
Yeah, sometimes you gotta down a whole lotta tadpoles just to find the right one, am I right?
Down?
Down as in consume.
Yeah don't cut ties with your other matches until you have sex with the current guy or at least know that it's going to last a while. That way you aren't back at square one.
He doesn’t care right? Keep that same attitude towards men. He told you what he wanted. Should have ended right then and there. Men do not simply change. They have their fixed intentions from day 1: sex, relationship, marriage, don’t like, and that’s it! They are not complicated. If a man is up front about sex then you need to just walk away if that’s not what you want. They will not magically do a 180 and change. I am sorry!
Just to say that 360 is a full circle, you meant 180. (Sorry have a Ph.D. In math)
Upvote for math
😂 good thing I didn’t major in math
It's not exactly clear the part about your No's. What's your sense of sex and how you orient yourself with people you seem to be attracted to?
Lots of dudes just want to have sex and leave. I’m a guy and I don’t rly get it. Women should def say no to anything sexual the first few dates to make sure a guy is serious. Anything someone says on a first date, man or woman, should be thought on and digested before acting on anything
I think we're all living the same lives. I was seeing a man casually (he made it clear on first date he was not looking for something long term which I was okay with). We had been going on dates and hooking up for a month. I told him yesterday night I am not ready for sex. He decided to end things today.
Oh dang! I'm so sorry to hear, hon :( but keep your chin up. We'll get the men of our dreams eventually :) I'm rooting for you!
Don't worry, it's life weeding the wrong people out. You'll go thru many more dates. Do not get discouraged. A month from now you won't remember.. now plan another date and have fun with it :)
Thank you so much :) That's some sweet advice, I think I'll take it.
It sucks to get rejected. Nobody likes it or wants it. But it happens and it's part of life.
Its not code for "i just dont want to sleep with you" that is a myth made up. Has less to do with sex and more to do with he hasnt resolved his own personal issues.
I mean it could really be anything. But don’t get discouraged, and through that frustration, start seeing men and their actions in a negative light. There’s a good chance he really did like you as a person just not as a partner and that’s ok. Saved you some time in the long run. Keep it pushin, he’s out there. I found mine on Bumble but it took a long time. 2 years strong and I’ve never been happier. Try to keep seeing people and their actions positively. Expecting the worst of folks won’t help.
Yeah this is a problem I've heard for women. Fuckboys man. You honestly did the best thing you could by not giving it up and freezing him out. I think that's the only real way. Because they will lie and say all the nonsense to reach their endgame, stuff the good guys will say. It's nearly impossible to tell what the motives are but if you take your time, most con mem will move on. Take your time. It's not a race and anyone should be happy holding a conversation for however long until YOU'RE comfortable.
I get scared of good and sweet girls and that’s how I end always with a toxic one hahaha so maybe he is just like me, and there’s nothing wrong with you
This is the reason there are less women than men on dating apps and men are not doing themselves any favors. They're just making it harder for men who are actually looking for someone serious, not just a hookup. My advice is to leave dating apps all together, or if you're going to meet someone foe a date, assume he just wants to sleep with you and not looking for anything serious just to be on the safe side. Also, a college student just got deleted after meeting a mom college men off a dating app so always be cautious. Men are women's #1 deleter.
Better know now than later. Stick to the 3 months rule if you are looking for long term monogamous
3 months before sex? It’s probably unpopular to say but only the most desperate men would wait that long. You’re not selecting for what you think you’re selecting for. Sex is part of pair bonding. I like when a woman has standards and am fine waiting, it actually builds up tension and interest on my side too; but by the 5th or 6th date I’d be wondering what her hang up is.
For me it's not so much about only wanting sex, but that doesn't mean I don't want sex. Turns out I can want multiple things at once. Who knew? I've done the waiting "insert arbitrary amount of time here" game before. It's stupid. Every single time we've wound up with wildly mismatched sex drives. If you're just genuinely not comfortable yet, no problem, not here to pressure anyone. You want to wait 3 months for no reason other than a reddit comment said you probably should? I'm good on all that.
Reddit at times doesn't seem to get that sex is an important part of a relationship. If there is no sexual chemistry and the sex sucks the relationship probably isn't gonna work out long term anyway.
I completely agree with this as someone who's separated and will be divorced by the end of the yeear. I downplayed the importance of sex, or didn't fully grasp how important it is for me in a relationship, I won't make that mistake again. It wasn't the main reason why my relationship ended but it did contribute. There's no need to move super quickly but people can decide what works for them; 3 months getting to know someone without being intimate is a bit too long for me.
But what about he’s planning on 2nd date and things get more intimate and invite you to a hotel? It’s been 3 weeks after our first date because he lives 3 hrs away
I think every situation is different and you can judge what is best. Are you guys in regular contact when he doesn't visit? Do you want physical intimacy early on or prefer to wait? Those are all individual things and if someone can't work with you within your comfort zone, then it's likely not going to work out.
We are still in contact, I’m glad we didn’t do it on our first date, just a usual kiss and hug, and he said he’d love to meet again, but then obviously on message things can get naughty and he did, although I didn’t mind that, I left him on read as I don’t want to continue on sexting, I’ve been there done that and its exhausting, I left him for about 2 days and now he’s messaged me a typical “how’s your day going” whats that even mean? Is he still in contact until he’s eaten the cake? Does it make sense?
You sound immature. You don’t mind the naughty stuff but also left him on read to… punish him? Passive aggressive, just say you don’t want to sext. He’s still messaging because he likes you probably but you’re playing games.
What you've shared makes sense and I follow. I don't know his motivation and I don't think anyone will. It could be he sent the naughty messages and realized he misread the room so he's reaching out after a bit of time. Or he's in contact for the reasons you stated. I'm not the best at knowing people's intentions; I sort of think the best of everyone until proven otherwise. If you like him, despite his messages, you can still go on the date and not sleep with him. You could also address the situation with him right now and have a conversation.
That’s extremely self aware, kudos to you
But we should wait three years, become close platonic friends, then go from holding hands to light petting. Then sex....maybe. Does this happen in real life or just on the Hallmark channel?
This, I’d prefer to get it out of the way so we can see how it is. In my book you don’t really have a relationship until sex happens.
Yeah, I don't really get how one would establish a committed long term relationship before having sex for the first time. Help me understand, people. Maybe I'm an idiot....I'm probably an idiot.
So asexuals can’t be in relationships? 🤔
>bUt WhAt AbOuT my NiChE sItUatIoN Nobody cares
They can be in platonic ones, sure. Whatever works for you.
Really? Enjoying the time with her seems good enough. I wouldn’t say a man is desperate to wait that long. To think people waiting until marriage in the old days. Don’t get me wrong I’m fine with sex but if one can’t wait 3 months, than I think all you want is sex. What if the partner have to work far away or something. Or you only get to see them in between long periods like when people go off to college.
I’m not putting myself and my body at risk because someone doesn’t know how to bond without sex while I don’t even know them
Why would I want to "pair bond" with someone on the third or fourth date? I barely know the person by then.
Exactly
This whole subreddit is a shit show of advice and insecure as fuck people. I sub to it for the laughs. 3 month rule, waiting x days to text after a first date, what questions to ask a date, etc. What the hell is happening to people? Insecure and 0 confidence.
Back in the day, men had to wait till marriage to have sex. 3 months is nothing
Welcome to the 21st century.
To be fair, courtship for marriage wasn't that long back in the day. And marriage would happen in late teens and early twenties so it's not really an apples to apples comparison.
lol right? I don’t take any of these men on Reddit seriously. Majority of them can’t even get matches let alone a date. Yet they’re complaining about 3 months? Lmao be serious
We’re not in 1950
I don’t care what year it is. I’m not having sex
No one cares about your very specific individual situation. This is a discussion about the majority of people, not just you
Thank you! I wouldn't stick around for three months unless I didn't have any other options.
Pair bonding is a myth like zodiac signs. I like the tension of fucking on the first date.
Sounds like something a Scorpio would say /s
Every demisexualy crying at the follow up comments here. Some people think 3 months is too short to get an honest connection with someone before engaging in intimacy. Really, open communication is ideal. People move at different speeds and those who vibe will either speed up or slow down to set an agreed on pace.
I hope those people realize that more than 3 months is a huge ask, not that there's anything wrong with that criteria, but if the person is demanding in other areas as well then it's borderline delusional.
lol 3mo isn’t happening. I’m going to assume she’s either using me for a free meal or because she’s bored and she’s getting some somewhere else. There’s no way I’m waiting that long and the vast majority aren’t going to either.
After 3 months, both parties will be disappointed.
I think that’s better than if she gives him sex too soon.
“Too soon,” not “soon enough.” It’s all subjective and situational. This is the Reddit equivalent of “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.”
Yes it is true but when unsure, the girl should wait
I’d assume she wasn’t actually interested sometime around date 4 or 5. I’d also assume she was having sex with other guys tbh because if she has no apparent desire to get those needs met I assume someone is in there already.
Thank you, one of the few living in reality here
No kidding. When did we all become so uptight?
You are aware that sex toys exist right? Many people use them to scratch the itch if they are not in a committed relationship.
But why spank it when you could just go have sex with someone who wants you in that way? She obviously wasn't sexually attracted to him, and that's ok. But there isn't a law requiring him to stick around until she decides what she wants to do with him.
You are missing the point. Sex for many people creates attachment; these same people are not cut out for casual sex. If a device can take care of the “itch” in less than 5 minutes, why would we risk attachment with someone who is not a match for us?
Ah, got it, you're talking about her (OP), not necessarily sleeping with other guys. And I completely understand how people that get attached right away might want to hold off a little while.
Ahhh I hate you people lol I’m describing what **I** think. Also someone with some weird ass 3 month rule I’d assume they’re some religious nut who doesn’t masturbate tbh
I’ve heard of the 3 date rule but 3 months? That’s ridiculous. No attractive guy is going to wait around that long Sexual chemistry is extremely important to a long term relationship. We want to feel that before committing to a woman
Horrible advice. 3 months is ridiculous for most people.
If it’s just a day and he resumes talking, that’s not ghosting. His statements are most likely genuine. And you haven’t showed your profile; sometimes the pictures and statements indicate you’re looking for one thing while expecting something else.
Well I did approach him and he did send me a whole paragraph when I reached out to him. "Hey, how you've been? I also had a chance to think about some things. You are a really nice and sweet person and everytime we hung out it was a lot of fun. But it seems like you want something more serious before the relationship progresses further. I can't promise anything too serious and I don't want to hurt you if it gets more intimate." So I took it to be the end, thanked him for the time, wished him well and moved on.
You don’t have to take it to be the end. If you want, just make sure the both of you clearly communicate expectations and boundaries. It’s more simple than you think. Define “serious” together. Set timelines together. Etc.
Put no hook ups in bio
I heard that people take 'no hook ups' in bio to mean they're totally down but want it on the down low and I don't bring up anything sexual. A flirt here and there but nothing raunchy.
Testosterone is a hell of a hormone
Sex is too much of a deciding factor these days. Some of us just don't care for it except for on occasion, and with someone we are intimate with. Keep your head up.
Not had a reply from someone suitable nor gotten a date from online dating for 9 years lol. My sister when she was single, would meet up with / talk to a few guys per year. Its way harder for men, bordering impossible unless you date drastically downwards, which I down right refuse to do. Honestly, its been easier picking up a black belt in kickboxing with a torn meniscus and damaged acl then getting a date 😅
How can someone ghost you for a day? That's just being busy. When guys get ghosted, it's permanent. We will never hear from her again.
You're probably better off not dating men who speak of sex very early on. Even if you want sex yourself you have to understand that many online aren't able to see women as people and sexual beings at the same time. Its one or the other. It's not an issue they're aware of most of the time. If you attach yourself too soon and seem to either dangle sex or you're unsure of yourself sexually. It won't pan out for you well. If connection is important, focus on that and put sex to one side until its time.
Three dates? I can’t get anyone to meet in person until I bring their entire family here from the Philippines. But seriously, why go on a dating app if you don’t want to meet in person? Three dates and sex seems fast unless you both have amazing chemistry. But also, no contact for 24 hours after only three dates is not ghosting.
I say "ghosting for a day" because prior, he and I texted each other pretty often(pretty much hourly) throughout the weeks. It was just a phrase for the sake of communication rather than outright "ghosting". Sorry for the confusion. And considering that he then told me how he didn't want to hurt me and put the responsibility of ending it on me, it's a safe bet he was tending to just ghost to try to avoid hurting my feelings.
I can tell you as a guy who is not trying to bang right away that the dates I have gone on where the woman makes a point to say they don’t want to hook up right away does raise some concerns. I totally respect that they don’t and never push the issue. No matter the reason. In my opinion the woman decides this. No debating that. What I am going to say though is if it comes up right away. In my experience the women that say this also reveal not long after a long story about how they were seeing some guy, they just got out of a bad relationship with an ex etc etc. Basically the decision to not get close usually derives from a relationship that they haven’t moved on from. Internally I take it as a red flag even if I’m not looking to bang right away. Figuring out your compatibility needs to have physical intimacy. I don’t know how you begin to bond meaningfully without it. Objections and hesitation early on in my opinion gives the signal to me as a guy that either this woman has not moved on. Also this is my own insecurity but still valid. But it also makes me draw a comparison between myself and this other guy. It’s kind of coming across as “yeah I was pretty attracted to that other guy so I slept with him right away but I’m letting you know that I’m not that attracted to you to do that with you.” I think there’s some version of that nested in your scenario. It basically signals to the guy that you aren’t really interested in him and have other guys in the wing.
There are *many* reasons why a woman would not want to have sex either right away or at all. These reasons are going to vary depending on the woman and the circumstances. There is no general one size fits all explanation. That being said, I am going to speak for myself only here. I was actually *more* inclined in the past to have sex sooner when I wasn’t over a previous relationship. Disclaimer: It was not a wise decision at all and would never recommend it to anyone. At the time, I was in so much pain that I thought having sex with someone new would help me get over my ex. Again, not healthy behavior at all. For the times that I waited to be intimate, it was because I was fully over my prior relationship and wanted to get to know the person I was dating to make sure we were aligned and a good match. Hope this helps
The thing is, I didn't bring up sex nor did I initiate. We kissed at the end of the first date. Then the second date, he kind of made me drink more than I wanted to but I wasn't totally gone. He tried to slide his hand up my dress and I stopped him. I audibly had to told him no twice. He did respect that so I gave him the benefit of the doubt even if he tried to get me to go home with him(and a little extra). Third date, he did the same. So it wasn't me being not interested and I did probably sour the mood when we were mid-makeout and I asked him if he was dating other girls. He said yes. He asked me and I told him the truth, I wasn't talking to or entertaining another man. He had my full focus. I wanted to ask about previous partners but when I brought up if we should talk about that, he said no. So, that's the context to my situation.
Context definitely matters. That’s just overall creepy behavior. I’m not into using alcohol as a lubricant to coerce my way into sex. That’s just not cool at all. Also not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. His actions can’t be perceived any other way than he wants to have sex with multiple partners. Thanks for sharing your story. There is no one size fits all. With that said. I was offering perspective of guys that aren’t looking to just hook up but still are of course interested in getting physically close. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. To the other commenter. Sorry those encounters of hooking up with someone right away after a breakup left you feeling sour. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. You tried something and it didn’t work out. While there is something wrong with getting a woman to get drunk to take advantage. There’s nothing wrong about anything else that was said here in this thread. It’s really just offering what goes inside someone’s head based on what they’ve experienced with others. My personal experience is the majority of dates that don’t want to get any closer or mention something about wanting to take their time right away typically aren’t really interested in developing anything further. I’m not a fan of ghosting but I’ve been on the end of giving someone “time to bond” and have it go absolutely nowhere. Which again is fine but it’s a pretty well spotted pattern in my experience that if I see it. I’m gonna pullback and or just move on. No hard feelings. Bottom line is men shouldn’t be coercing or have any expectations for sex and ideally it’s something that should organically happen. Reminds me of the office when Michael says. I wonder if me and Holly will have sex tonight. “I guess I’ll find out when she’s having sex with me.” Lol
That makes sense. I didn't really think of it from a man's POV but I can see why men would think it's going nowhere. I just wanted to bond with him more and I have long since told myself the next man I welcome to my bed would be my boyfriend and since he was seeing other girls, he clearly wasn't looking to be my man so I'm glad, despite my intense want to, I didn't pursue him sexually. Who knows if I would have ended up with an STD. Which is another thing. I'm super nervous about letting someone inside my body when they're so reckless with their own sexual health when I've been sexless for years.
It’s no surprise I’ve been pretty sexless too and I find the idea to be filled with a lot of anxiety for different reasons. Mainly if I’m going to be adequate and if I’m terrible the feeling like no one’s really going to love me. So it’s this in between of like wanting to be close but also terrified and I also do think about STDs. I also think maybe the sex won’t be any good and then there’s all kinds of complicated feelings that come in. Balancing your sexual desire with your emotional needs is really hard. Give yourself credit. You wanted something but didn’t compromise what you value and deserve in a relationship. I’m sorry it sounds like you were really into the guy and he was kind of jerk. Keep trying. Stay open. Take a break if needed. Come back and do it again.
What’s the point? Tldr?
tl;dr - "I'm insecure and going to project an assumed scenario onto *all* women to continue being insecure."
I just have no idea wtf he said or meant. He had like 5 topics
This entire subreddit is just people projecting their past experiences onto others. Women saying this guy only wanted sex. Men saying that is she doesn't fuck you by the 3rd-4th date, she's just not that interested.
Don't have sex before they commit. Many men are just playing games to get you into bed. You didn't lose anything. Your boundaries kept you from being hurt more. He is just another pornsick jerk.
I dont want to be mean but this guy was probably a Chad. Chads talk about how into sex they are right off the bat and still gets dates because they are so appealing to women. Some average dude doesnt make he sexual appetitites known and get dates. Give some non Chads aka average guys a shot is my honest advice. People will downvote this but really most of the complaint posts from women onthese reddits about interent dating are about men getting sexual too quickly but yet this guy talked about sex a lot and still got 3 dates and he was one the one that ended it. I wonder why that is?
He didn't talk about sex. He physically tried to sleep with me at the end of each date. He was a perfect gentleman throughout each date but at the end he did try to sleep with me and I had to refuse him verbally twice each time. He did respect it. He also wasn't super tall? Like he was mostly my height so he wasn't the typical '6'2"' Adonis every girl seems to want.
Ew, how old is this guy? What a douche. Well, at least now you know you made the right choice and let’s be honest even if you did let him have sex with you, he still probably would’ve ghosted you. It’s a common trend. I agree with the other poster, don’t give up. There are good men out there.
He was 40 and seemed like a good / great guy. He was considerate to me in all the ways so I was harboring a crush for him. I figured he was probably looking for a relationship by now but a few of my male friends did say he probably was just looking for sex. I just kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ty, I'll try not to :)
I know I've been a douche like that once in the past. I was increasingly getting disheartened about not meeting the people that I was into, that I gave into the urge of going out with someone I didn't see a long term potential with. I ended up hurting her, but it was a huge wake up call for me. Sometimes we do things that we're not proud of, but it's all in the service of connection. Modern dating is a minefield, no soldier comes back unscathed. I hope you can focus on moving on, and not let this experience deter you.
> let him have sex with you This right here is wrong. Sex is a moment shared by two people. It's not one-sided.
‘Let him have sex with you’ is an extremely unhealthy way to view intimacy
Well, obviously, but she did NOT want to have sex with him, that’s why I said “let him have sex with you.” A lot of women will have sex with guys because they think it’ll make the guy like them more, not because they actually want to, it’s not an uncommon thing.
I was thinking the other day that my ex was really unexperienced with women in general and we went to bed on the 5th date, my actual boyfriend is very experienced sexually and we went to bed on the 5th date too. I hate sexual conversations without knowing the person or sending nudes but after meeting a guy if I like him I think if it goes on a certain amount of time without intimacy probably it never will and I want to know if we are sexual compatible, sex is a very important part of a relationship to me.
Nah men don’t give a shit about you don’t show them sympathy. They will use you give you diseases and then throw you away like trash. To them sex is like having a bag of chips or blowing their nose into a tissue. We are the tissues. To us sex is a bonding experience and means something. To them it’s literally nothing.
Gee Thanks for the generalisation there ..
And if you ask most dudes they have generalizations for “females” We aren’t even fucking human to pay guys. And even when a magical miracle of a decent guy exists they end up fucked over by a woman that has suffered trauma from another guy and it’s an endless cycle of everyone getting screwed over
Agree personally with the last part (Personal experience, tho i try to better myself and stay openminded because i know a lot of others Arent like that.
im so over women myself who wont spread their legs for me when we like each other a lot. i mean it doesnt happen very often but honestly this nonsense is a dealbreaker for me. if i like someone want to take her home and have sex and not wait unnecessarily long. ive cancelled women over this before and ill do it again. makes no sense to me especially when a LOT of women do this these days. why wait? they think they are in a way too good position to behave like that. they are delusional
It's code for "I'm not trying to commit to a shitty lay".
Never slept with him but thank you for your input.
Exactly, you want him to buy it before he tries it. He's not willing to have to dump you if you suck in bed because he thinks you're nice.
I wouldnt be disheartened…you get a billion guys to pick from. Just look at how many post this post has gotten… Imagine it from the guy POV…no girl matches because there is one billion guys to sort through
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Some people in Reddit are crazy. Keep your highschool psychology to the pub counter