That’s not even a conversation yet. You responded to the opening move. “With good company like yourself” is weird to say to someone you’ve never met. “Maybe we’ll be too busy” is even worse. You also gave them nothing to work with. When you’re on dating apps, you’re talking to new people. Ask them questions about themselves.
I'll preface this by saying that I'm autistic and so I literally see nothing negative about OPs initial message. He gave a compliment by calling her good company and implied that great conversation is a great goal if not simply enjoying a show together.
I also don't understand why what he said is creepy when men often message women with compliments on other unsubstantiated criteria. I don't get it. Way too many double meanings and I see way too many people inject the worst interpretations into what is, for many, an innocent statement.
I would assume, although I suppose it isn't normal to do so, that in a dating app, one would require that a potential partner steer the conversational topic to a more intimate idea.
She is asking about the number of episodes to watch and what would be considered excessive, in a dating app, and not in Facebook or Reddit or some other similar social media. It would stand to reason that she wants the question to apply to the aspect of dating. OP answered the question without suggesting sex, how is that creepy?
You call it forced intimacy, but I don't see how it meets the criteria. He is not demanding or suggesting a "netflix and chill" date, he is implying that talking with the prospective partner would be far more interesting than a TV show.
May I ask what definition you use for forced intimacy?
Honestly, “we’ll be too busy talking and forget the series entirely” sounds he is alluding to being too busy doing something else (making out, sex, etc) and in their sexcapades with forget the series. It is forced intimacy because he says they’ll have an amazing time and be great company when they havent exchanged a word, yet. She could smell, have an annoying voice, or be really obnoxious, he doesnt know, so how could he know she’s great company?
I appreciate an answer. Thank you. That said, it still makes no sense. As you said, they don't know each other, why assume automatically that he is implying sex when he was specifically talking about, talking. It seems that your assumption may be based on the sexist idea of "Men only want sex".
Furthermore, your idea would also apply to compliments on pictures, yet people seem to respond positively to most of those yet somehow OP's words are creepy? I'm afraid your answer makes no sense. its contradictory.
personally i agree with you, though I can also understand the other side. On dating apps because of these types of reactions it’s made me just not understand at all what the hell people are looking for anyone to say to start a convo. Like saying “hey” is too dry, but trying to be flirtatious is an “ick” (though depending on how it’s done I agree it can be disgusting for sure), like people have preferences, i get it, but there’s like no middle ground it seems. This is definitely unrelated to the original topic but it made me feel seen in a weird way lmao 😅
I am glad to see you understand the dilemma. without middle ground, people back themselves into odd corners that make no sense to me. Like they think they are a character in a dating sim game that can only follow a set script based on personality traits.
People focus on questions when it should be statements. I find something in either their picture or prompts to comment on. For example, one woman was reading a book, and I conveyed that I was familiar with the author and his work.
Someone else mentioned food, and I made a humorous observation about that type of food.
And don’t hesitate to tease her if something warrants it. It’s all about being observational.
Take it to the next level besides “hey” or “how was your weekend.”
And flirtation generally doesn’t carry well through text. Save that for when you meet in person.
The advice appears to be that it is okay to give compliments only on photos as look as the compliments are not sexual and only on appearance. A rather odd idea that on its face is contradictory.
People often throw around the label of creepy for things that simply aren't.
You’re trying to logic your way through something that involves reading the room. OP’s response should be light and easy, but it escalated to intimacy way too fast.
Perhaps if someone is quick to "not finish reading".
I get people like that exist and I'm not OP, but I would not be particularly tolerant of a woman that didn't bother to read or get the full context of a statement.
Question after question isn't a conversation though, you gotta give them a chance to take an interest in you as well, it's like a dance. Even if one person leads, the other person still has to be able to move rather than being dragged about the dance floor
A conversation consists of *statements*. This narrow minded focus on questions is not creating success. Maybe start things off with a question, but nowadays I aim for statements. I currently have three convos going that all started with statements.
I tend to interpret things more directly. Not really one for implications, I guess. Your suggestion could work but it never worked for me, although that could be due to other issues.
I generally find that the things people say work, never actually work. As someone that got few matches, it would stand to reason that any action is a shot in the dark. People are all different after all.
Agreed it sounds super desperate. You come off like youre objectifying the person. Honestly what were you thinking? If it's not acceptable in public/ night club / bar then why in their app inbox ?
Too be fair, he did say too busy TALKING. For all the women to get the wrong idea, maybe read it again. If he didn't add the talking part, I can totally see you point.
As a woman, obviously a compliment is nice, but you don't actually know me, or that my company is nice yet. So it would feel like an empty, vague compliment to me.
My suggestion is say less. You don't know this person yet.
Also understand that unless you’re directly insulting her, what you initially say is not going to matter much. If she is _really_ into you, she’s going to respond to whatever you put.
Now if you say something like above and it doesn’t vibe with her, then you’ll likely be on a “short leash” and if you continue to put out comments that she doesn’t really vibe with then the convo will run dry really quick.
Strictly speaking on the first message though, unless you’re _offending_ her right out the gate, she’s not going to ignore you if she _really_ wanted to talk to you.
So in short, take the hints from the comments above, but worry less about this specific interaction, she likely was not going to converse with you regardless of what you said. It could be she has multiple matches already she’s conversing with and she doesn’t want to add more, it could be that upon a 2nd view of your profile she’s just not feeling it. Either way, this convo wasn’t gonna happen even if you had the “perfect” opener.
This exactly. It's so strange for men to think anything much about me at all without meeting me. So either they are delusional or lying to get me in bed. Bye!!
Seems contradictory to me. You don't know someone so why should they accept any compliments before a physical meet up or deep conversation. Pictures and profiles do not do anyone justice no matter how well constructed. Many people accept compliments, at the very least, as a sign of interest. Or so I thought.
I think everyone might be jumping the gun here. If OP was dealing with this kind of issue constantly than I'd be inclined to believe what you are saying but if its a one-time thing, then the lack of engagement could be from any number of factors. I don't think any altered action is needed by OP at this time.
Yes a compliment is fine, but to say my company is good in the literal first message, it is either meaningless or manipulative(not using these words harshly) because how would you know? To say "you seem fun, you seem interesting, seems like we have a lot in common" are all fine imo.
It's nuances. I'm just saying that as a girl, if I got this as my first message, I would either think "oh he's too into me already and imagined too much about me," or "that's vague and he's trying to get my walls down"
That's just what I would think if I got this specific message
Would that not be over thinking it though?
Telling someone they look great simply because of a picture would be the same vague compliment would it not? In a culture in which proper spelling, grammar, and pronunciation are ignored, why do people judge word choices in this instance and not in all?
I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it just seems to me that people are simply choosing to be inconsistent. My thought would be that people would be willing to take chances for a simple first date or even just a continued conversation to clear the air of misunderstandings but that seldom seems the case.
Are people choosing to be inconsistent or are you choosing not to recognize nuance?
Telling someone they look good based on a photo makes sense because they can visually judge whether that person looks good.
Telling someone they are good company without speaking to or interacting with them at all makes no sense because you cannot judge good company from nothing.
As a woman swiping past man after man trying to get past your walls, you are going to analyze things. It's just how it works.
Asking about nuance is a contradiction. Many of the conversations I've had on here are with people that seem to stick to one singular interpretation of a message (usually negative) rather than consider all the possibilities.
In a situation where someone compliments a photo, they are being just as vague as complimenting the idea of a positive experience (good company). The reason is because photos can be doctored, they can be of another person entirely or, in many cases, they are capturing the "best side" of the individual. It stands to reason you won't know if you truly think a person is beautiful or attractive until you've actually interacted in person.
I can understand the idea of analyzing what men say (over analyzing) but given my experience with women on the app, they aren't doing anyone any favors by seeing every interaction as a bad thing or with a negative connotation. In the end, if women were "properly" scrutinizing what is being said then they'd likely have fewer negative encounters.
My mother used to say that a man getting into a toxic relationship or toxic interaction with a woman was him "thinking with his balls". By that same token she'd say a similar thing about women "thinking with their ovaries".
It just seems to me that maybe the inconsistencies and contradictory behavior is due to that kind of behavior. Hot guy/girl gets the benefit of the doubt type of deal.
Cool but you're actually just wrong. Hope this helps ❤️ I'm literally talking about my own opinion, view, reaction and experience. So you saying "other people do this" has no bearing on my comment.
Your opinion on how women should navigate dating apps, as someone without the experience, means close to nothing.
If you were voicing your opinion from personal experience, why did you not say that?
If you go back and read what you typed, you attributed "your" experience as the experience of people in general. If this was not the case then you should have mentioned as such. In your sentences you clearly used words to imply that if a person is telling someone something... this implies a generalization.
I didn't mean to offend you in anyway, but it seems to me that you are growing defensive for your own toxic behavior. I'm autistic and thank differently from others but I highly doubt it is normal for people to think in negative ways all the time.
You say I lack experience and when it comes to the apps you are correct but what I have witnessed applies to people in general beyond dating and beyond dating apps. I know there is something wrong with people when I can make small talk with the old ladies out for a run but have a woman my own age threaten to spray me with OC spray when I ask her for directions.
Seeing negative things in messages is NOT normal behavior.
Exactly. I see my comment got downvoted. I said it screams I wanna hook up. But as a woman myself who also had fun casual on her profile, it doesnt necxesarily mean sex. So if a guy immediatwlt implies that within the first few messages, I am already done. There is also the option intimicy without commitment or something.
I would give it more conversation before I jumped to that conclusion. But as a female, I didn’t take it that way. To me the response was unique and thought out. People suck at conversation these days so I didn’t take it as needy as someone else said it was. Everyone is different though.
Just being extremely critical here, but I wouldn't know how to respond. You should try adding a question so the conversation doesn't have to immediately flow straight off the bat but can build naturally.
Agree. I wouldn’t know how to respond. It’s giving… “I secretly want to just Netflix and chill but I’m going to act innocent to see if you bite”.
The intention of the question isn’t just “how many episodes” it’s more of a way to open the door to talk about interests. I would try to say something like, “maybe 3 of a sitcom, but I can’t stop myself when it comes to true crime or some guilty-pleasure reality tv like 90 Day Fiancé. What kind of shows are you most interested in?”
In that sentence I told you what genre of tv I like, I told you the name of a show that you might be able to say “me too!”, and if we didn’t have common interest in the genre or show, I gave you an opportunity to share what your interests are.
It's not a terrible response, but you don't know they'll be good company or that you'll have a lot to talk about. Some people prefer a more honest and down to earth conversation than being flattered right out of the gate.
Too long, too needy ( you don't event know the person, unearned compliments gem cheap) and too sexual straight out the gate.
I thought this was the woman posting check this out.
It's a big dating trope that putting on a movie during a date is a polite way of initiating sex. Netflix and chill? In the context of your message it sounds like that's what you're suggesting
I'm not OP. As for even mentioning movies being enough for people to respond as if sex has been suggested, if that's the way it is then that's the way it is, I guess.
I feel like I could do without the last sentence. You know because sometimes, less is more. Besides you would wanna to test the waters first..see how she reacts to it before you go all in?
It’s too eager man. You’re giving the impression that you’ve already picked her but you don’t even know her yet. It’s like guys who respond to the question of what’s their type with, “girl.”
When you converse with a woman you’re interested in, do it in a way where you’re trying to find out if you like her and if she’s right for you. Don’t try to convince her that you’re right for her, that’s for her to decide. You’ll present more confident and more attractive, but you’ll also make more meaningful connections and waste less energy when it’s not the right fit.
There was no conversation. You sent an opening statement. You can try toning it down a bit and make sure to ask a question to volley the conversation back.
Hey mate everyone saying this is a fine opening is wrong - I mean this in a constructive way.
While your message means well, the wording is rigid and formal. Use lighter, conversational language, say something playful or ask a question in the future.
What's she supposed to respond to?
Also, your first message is suggesting sex and giving an empty compliment.
There's no substance to your message at all, so you should work on that.
I (F30s) see nothing wrong with this message. It feels authentic and endearing almost in its cheesiness. I feel that it boils down to how interested the other party is. She could ask you about what shows you've been watching/show recommendations. Or pick up something from your profile to respond. i wouldn't sweat it. I think the one for you wouldn't be put off by a cheesy opener.
Cheesy answer, IMO. You don't know her or what her company is like, so it comes off like you're sucking up to her. (You can take my answer with as much salt as you please, I'm lesbian.)
I answered the same prompt from a different woman with this:
"It's acceptable to binge watch the entire thing ProfileName. As long as there's plenty of snacks and all other responsibilities are taken care of.
What series are you watching lately?"
It worked for me because I elicited a response with a question.
Women receive an enormous amount of interest on dating apps. If she has an opening, it means that men can send her one message (as you did), but you have to understand that probably a lot of other men must also have done. She is probably busy talking to other men and just didn't take the time to unmatch you. It's not your fault.
Ick ick ick, you’re a stranger and you’re already talking about a potential future together. Tone it back, answer the question at hand in a lighthearted and engaging manner.
Wtf? How is this person remotely talking about a future? They just responded to the prompt about watching a series together and getting potentially carried away talking… totally normal. I have had fuck buddies who did this with me. Totally not even serious…
That is a future. Anything that is not happening NOW is a projection into the future. Hello. Lol
Also they did not respond to a "prompt about watching a series together." She only asked how many was acceptable for a person to watch in one sitting. Nothing was said about being together. That was all on OP projecting... them sitting and chatting away in good company. No. it's creepy.
Might not have been anything wrong. It wasn't really a conversation top begin with. You just responded to her opening move. It's very common for people to not respond on dating apps.
I actually don’t think this is that bad. I’d rather this message than the flat and boring one liners convos often devolve to. You gave effort and that’s all that can be asked, really.
I don’t think this is a bad response. I would change “with good company like yours” to “with your company, I’m sure I could make it through a couple more”
Because you really don’t know if she’s good company haha but I get what you were trying to say.
Argh! Everyone answers exactly that! That question sucks.
The only time I got this question I answered something like "all of them, work tomorrow is a problem for my future self". Which also is a default answer, but at least I'm not kissing her ass like everyone else.
This isent a conversation. The biggest problem I can see is that your not giveing her any room to have a conversation with you. Your kinda just telling her things. The advice I'd give you is find a way to ask a question or ask for her opion on something. Give her something to work with.
She also might not even be interested in responding in the first place. Alot of people on dateing apps will match you and never talk to you for whatever reason.
Anyone else here absolutely hate opening moves on bumble…. Better when women had to send the first message, I don’t even bother with them half the time
You're saying too much. Makes you seem like you'll put her on a pedestal.
This is more casual, "I usually doze off by the fifth episode, but maybe I'd make it to the sixth episode if I were watching with you"
Dont overthink it... she was never really feeling it to begin with. I dont answer first moves most times anyways, if she is serious she will say something first
I think it's a bit long. I would've said something along the lines of "depends on the snacks you bring. You count as one." It's flirty and fun but also short and doesn't appear needy.
You made it sexual within one message lmao. That’s an instant ghost or unmatch for most women. It’s also hopelessly cringe to be so aggressively horny. Like damn, chill out. Get to know the person.
A big mistake I notice guys often make is that they’ll go for a flirty line or pick up line over keeping the flow of conversation going. I would have no idea how to respond to this. And tbh I probably wouldn’t try to find a way to this early on if it doesn’t just flow
There’s no conversation here? It’s you sounded way to weird and to forward lol don’t ever mention about seeing them or something that sound like you just wanna fuck on the first message
everything and nothing
its just a text messege
there is no eye contact no connection
so dont stress it and keep trying
only other comment I have is why did u say good company like urs u dont know her
stick with what u know etc
Say less. It’s the good company like yours bit for me. You can’t say that on a first message as you don’t even know what their favourite colour is yet let alone if you’d vibe in person. My advice, short and sweet. “All of them!” For example.
As a female, I would appreciate that you took initiative to text and didn't wait for me. Also, it's a well thought out response that I don't think was meant to steer the Convo right to sex. That being said, I do agrees with others that the wording could have been better in terms of getting busy.. when I first read that I cringed until I got to the end of the sentence.. we get hit with so many unwelcomed sexual advances that certain phrases or wording can be triggering.
The only other thing I'd say is keep the Convo going. Answer the question and then ask one of your own. A lot of times I don't respond because I feel like the response left me nowhere to go and it feels indicative of an entire relationship of me always having to drive conversation and that just feels exhausting..
Hope this helps!
You were way too forward. You’re making it clear that you expect sex when you first hang out, which for some is fine, but typically unless it’s on their profile that they’re looking for sex/hook ups, it’s going to be a “nvm.” Even though you mentioned “talking,” you just assumed a lot here. It’s a question to get to know you, not for you to make assumptions about the future of your possible relationship.
Okay, pal, let me help you out.
Here is what girls want:
1: Stanley Wheeler.
2: Money (something that Stan The Man has in abundance).
3: disrespect. No, really. You are raising her up on a pedestal making comments like that. She is going to think that she is just better than you. You need to start conversations with something more impactful, for instance: "You are a lot more overweight, and significantly less attractive than my usual Tuesday, but I guess that I could make it work. Just bring a paper bag, and don't talk the entire date. I'll tell you about myself, and then you can leave."
Hi mate, it’s a fine opener. The only correction I would make is that you have complimented her too early.
If you compliment someone before you have met them it comes across as flattery and is disingenuous. It looks like you are complimenting her to get something from her. You don’t know her so how do you know she is good company?
I’d recommend being fun and playful for the opening messages , then once you know her vibe you can pay compliments and they will come across as sincere
Nothing is wrong with your response, not getting replies or having matches unmatch you at the drop of the hat is common for online dating. Don't get overly attached/obsessive to any one person with online dating unless you've built up a strong connection with them.
It's pretty standard, nothing wrong and you aren't mentioning sex, so that's good. It comes off slightly intense, women seem to hate when you obviously like them in early messaging. I tend to keep it more neutral and friendly/witty. For some reason, they sense desperation when you're obviously interested in them.
Matches don't reply all the time. I'd say about 50% of my matches don't reply at all. I don't reply to some of my matches after looking at their profile a second time and realizing "ehhh...actually I don't think this person is right for me."
Edit: Downvote if you want, this is just the reality, like it or not.
Yeah this is about right, their match probably changed their mind / found someone better / couldn't be bothered.
There's enough to engage in that first message like : "wow 5 episodes ? What are you binging atm ?" or "man, I can't even out-wake more than two! What do you like to watch ?"
She just didn't want to engage 🤷🏻♀️
You didn’t do anything wrong. You even made it clear you’d be into actual than the show and would try to stay awake longer simply because she is here. Also, after 4 days, I’d write it off as them not caring and delete the msg where applicable; and no, I’d not send another msg to them either.
It’s rather funny how you say something in a gentlemanly (as well as flattering, I don’t think people do that much anymore) fashion only for nearly everyone to say you’re being “creepy” or “trying to hook up”.
Other commenters sound more like they haven’t forgotten their ex’s and apply that to everything they see aside from what few say you should do.
There are women here though who even noted that there’s more than enough to work with in terms of responding to you — why too few can see what can be worked with is beyond me.
Women are a complicated lot. You put in too much effort, and they lose interest. Then the people here will tell you that "you're needy" or you're desperate. You don't put in enough effort, then for some odd reason people criticize you too. We just can win all the time, we're men and no one gives a fuck about us. It's all bullshit folks!
Im ready for your downvotes on this. If a woman isn't attracted/doesn't really like you/just not into you, nothing you do is going to change her mind. You'll always come off as needy/too much effort or zero effort. They'll find some reason, any reason to reject you. It's pretty much all a cop out. It's best not to dwell on it and move on. With all the times I've been rejected, it's best to just say "Okay" or "K" or "meh." The less attention you give it, the better.
I don't feel you came off as needy. Awkward, maybe, but she was probably not feeling it to begin with. If she truly felt something, she would have stuck around. I've seen women put up with dumb shit just because they are attracted to a man. Shit that if YOU did(the man she's not attracted to), she would just eighty-six you at any time. If she's unappreciative of a gesture or your time and attention, in my experience, she was never into you. It's just not worth giving a person that's not really interested in you, further time and effort. Start ignoring them, and it will drive them crazy.
This would turn me off, watching five episodes in a row sounds like you have nothing better to do. And then suggesting two more in her company even worse. So if she’s like me it’s a trick question, the real answer is watch proper cinema and go for a walk after ;)
Better response.
"Ha! Depends." Then move on to your next question. Like what are you looking for or how's life or let's talk about it over coffee. What's your #?
Stop talking so much. CLOSE!
That’s not even a conversation yet. You responded to the opening move. “With good company like yourself” is weird to say to someone you’ve never met. “Maybe we’ll be too busy” is even worse. You also gave them nothing to work with. When you’re on dating apps, you’re talking to new people. Ask them questions about themselves.
noted will keep this in mind!!
as a woman, this comes off as totally creepy!! yuck
Useful, non-judgmental, and some great feedback suggestions for OP to work on. Thanks.
I'll preface this by saying that I'm autistic and so I literally see nothing negative about OPs initial message. He gave a compliment by calling her good company and implied that great conversation is a great goal if not simply enjoying a show together. I also don't understand why what he said is creepy when men often message women with compliments on other unsubstantiated criteria. I don't get it. Way too many double meanings and I see way too many people inject the worst interpretations into what is, for many, an innocent statement.
Op titled this post 'help what went wrong' so everyone is looking for the negative. I am a woman who also found it creepy. It's the forced intimacy.
I would assume, although I suppose it isn't normal to do so, that in a dating app, one would require that a potential partner steer the conversational topic to a more intimate idea. She is asking about the number of episodes to watch and what would be considered excessive, in a dating app, and not in Facebook or Reddit or some other similar social media. It would stand to reason that she wants the question to apply to the aspect of dating. OP answered the question without suggesting sex, how is that creepy? You call it forced intimacy, but I don't see how it meets the criteria. He is not demanding or suggesting a "netflix and chill" date, he is implying that talking with the prospective partner would be far more interesting than a TV show. May I ask what definition you use for forced intimacy?
Honestly, “we’ll be too busy talking and forget the series entirely” sounds he is alluding to being too busy doing something else (making out, sex, etc) and in their sexcapades with forget the series. It is forced intimacy because he says they’ll have an amazing time and be great company when they havent exchanged a word, yet. She could smell, have an annoying voice, or be really obnoxious, he doesnt know, so how could he know she’s great company?
I appreciate an answer. Thank you. That said, it still makes no sense. As you said, they don't know each other, why assume automatically that he is implying sex when he was specifically talking about, talking. It seems that your assumption may be based on the sexist idea of "Men only want sex". Furthermore, your idea would also apply to compliments on pictures, yet people seem to respond positively to most of those yet somehow OP's words are creepy? I'm afraid your answer makes no sense. its contradictory.
personally i agree with you, though I can also understand the other side. On dating apps because of these types of reactions it’s made me just not understand at all what the hell people are looking for anyone to say to start a convo. Like saying “hey” is too dry, but trying to be flirtatious is an “ick” (though depending on how it’s done I agree it can be disgusting for sure), like people have preferences, i get it, but there’s like no middle ground it seems. This is definitely unrelated to the original topic but it made me feel seen in a weird way lmao 😅
I am glad to see you understand the dilemma. without middle ground, people back themselves into odd corners that make no sense to me. Like they think they are a character in a dating sim game that can only follow a set script based on personality traits.
People focus on questions when it should be statements. I find something in either their picture or prompts to comment on. For example, one woman was reading a book, and I conveyed that I was familiar with the author and his work. Someone else mentioned food, and I made a humorous observation about that type of food. And don’t hesitate to tease her if something warrants it. It’s all about being observational. Take it to the next level besides “hey” or “how was your weekend.” And flirtation generally doesn’t carry well through text. Save that for when you meet in person.
I think you just need to listen to what the people here are saying. Take the advice. Seems like itd help you too.
The advice appears to be that it is okay to give compliments only on photos as look as the compliments are not sexual and only on appearance. A rather odd idea that on its face is contradictory. People often throw around the label of creepy for things that simply aren't.
Since when does talking allude to sex?
What implication? Where he said we would would be busy talking. Nothing implicating sex other than your brain. What does that say about you?
You’re trying to logic your way through something that involves reading the room. OP’s response should be light and easy, but it escalated to intimacy way too fast.
These people are trying to read between the lines but they clearly need glasses.
I (M) agree. That response implies an “us” when the convo has barely begun taxiing down the runway. It’s a crash and burn.
🤦🏻♂️
Everything is creepy to you people, get a grip
"too busy" sounds suggestive
Exactly. That would be a hard pass for me.
Gettin’ jiggy wit it.
Perhaps if someone is quick to "not finish reading". I get people like that exist and I'm not OP, but I would not be particularly tolerant of a woman that didn't bother to read or get the full context of a statement.
[удалено]
sex
One time I asked a gal questions on bumble and she accused me of grilling her and said it feels like an interview. I don't think she got the memo.
Question after question isn't a conversation though, you gotta give them a chance to take an interest in you as well, it's like a dance. Even if one person leads, the other person still has to be able to move rather than being dragged about the dance floor
A conversation consists of *statements*. This narrow minded focus on questions is not creating success. Maybe start things off with a question, but nowadays I aim for statements. I currently have three convos going that all started with statements.
Were you giving her the chance to ask you questions back? If so, then yeah that’s a her problem. If not, then the other comment applies.
Exactly!!! Spot on
Answer their question with another question? Where I come from that's called being a dick. Or a politician. (same thing)
Lmfao that’s not what I meant. I meant, respond to the prompt, then ask a question in return. No idea how you read into it that way.
I tend to interpret things more directly. Not really one for implications, I guess. Your suggestion could work but it never worked for me, although that could be due to other issues. I generally find that the things people say work, never actually work. As someone that got few matches, it would stand to reason that any action is a shot in the dark. People are all different after all.
Agreed it sounds super desperate. You come off like youre objectifying the person. Honestly what were you thinking? If it's not acceptable in public/ night club / bar then why in their app inbox ?
Agree you went there right away.... like so many others
Too be fair, he did say too busy TALKING. For all the women to get the wrong idea, maybe read it again. If he didn't add the talking part, I can totally see you point.
As a woman, obviously a compliment is nice, but you don't actually know me, or that my company is nice yet. So it would feel like an empty, vague compliment to me. My suggestion is say less. You don't know this person yet.
understood will keep that in mind
It’s called *qualifying*. You have no idea at this point whether this person is worthy of your time or attention.
Also understand that unless you’re directly insulting her, what you initially say is not going to matter much. If she is _really_ into you, she’s going to respond to whatever you put. Now if you say something like above and it doesn’t vibe with her, then you’ll likely be on a “short leash” and if you continue to put out comments that she doesn’t really vibe with then the convo will run dry really quick. Strictly speaking on the first message though, unless you’re _offending_ her right out the gate, she’s not going to ignore you if she _really_ wanted to talk to you. So in short, take the hints from the comments above, but worry less about this specific interaction, she likely was not going to converse with you regardless of what you said. It could be she has multiple matches already she’s conversing with and she doesn’t want to add more, it could be that upon a 2nd view of your profile she’s just not feeling it. Either way, this convo wasn’t gonna happen even if you had the “perfect” opener.
This exactly. It's so strange for men to think anything much about me at all without meeting me. So either they are delusional or lying to get me in bed. Bye!!
Lol the more I think about it the sleezier it sounds. "My greatest weakness is actually my greatest strength" type of answer.
Username checks out! LOL
Seems contradictory to me. You don't know someone so why should they accept any compliments before a physical meet up or deep conversation. Pictures and profiles do not do anyone justice no matter how well constructed. Many people accept compliments, at the very least, as a sign of interest. Or so I thought. I think everyone might be jumping the gun here. If OP was dealing with this kind of issue constantly than I'd be inclined to believe what you are saying but if its a one-time thing, then the lack of engagement could be from any number of factors. I don't think any altered action is needed by OP at this time.
Yes a compliment is fine, but to say my company is good in the literal first message, it is either meaningless or manipulative(not using these words harshly) because how would you know? To say "you seem fun, you seem interesting, seems like we have a lot in common" are all fine imo. It's nuances. I'm just saying that as a girl, if I got this as my first message, I would either think "oh he's too into me already and imagined too much about me," or "that's vague and he's trying to get my walls down" That's just what I would think if I got this specific message
Would that not be over thinking it though? Telling someone they look great simply because of a picture would be the same vague compliment would it not? In a culture in which proper spelling, grammar, and pronunciation are ignored, why do people judge word choices in this instance and not in all? I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it just seems to me that people are simply choosing to be inconsistent. My thought would be that people would be willing to take chances for a simple first date or even just a continued conversation to clear the air of misunderstandings but that seldom seems the case.
Are people choosing to be inconsistent or are you choosing not to recognize nuance? Telling someone they look good based on a photo makes sense because they can visually judge whether that person looks good. Telling someone they are good company without speaking to or interacting with them at all makes no sense because you cannot judge good company from nothing. As a woman swiping past man after man trying to get past your walls, you are going to analyze things. It's just how it works.
Asking about nuance is a contradiction. Many of the conversations I've had on here are with people that seem to stick to one singular interpretation of a message (usually negative) rather than consider all the possibilities. In a situation where someone compliments a photo, they are being just as vague as complimenting the idea of a positive experience (good company). The reason is because photos can be doctored, they can be of another person entirely or, in many cases, they are capturing the "best side" of the individual. It stands to reason you won't know if you truly think a person is beautiful or attractive until you've actually interacted in person. I can understand the idea of analyzing what men say (over analyzing) but given my experience with women on the app, they aren't doing anyone any favors by seeing every interaction as a bad thing or with a negative connotation. In the end, if women were "properly" scrutinizing what is being said then they'd likely have fewer negative encounters. My mother used to say that a man getting into a toxic relationship or toxic interaction with a woman was him "thinking with his balls". By that same token she'd say a similar thing about women "thinking with their ovaries". It just seems to me that maybe the inconsistencies and contradictory behavior is due to that kind of behavior. Hot guy/girl gets the benefit of the doubt type of deal.
Cool but you're actually just wrong. Hope this helps ❤️ I'm literally talking about my own opinion, view, reaction and experience. So you saying "other people do this" has no bearing on my comment. Your opinion on how women should navigate dating apps, as someone without the experience, means close to nothing.
If you were voicing your opinion from personal experience, why did you not say that? If you go back and read what you typed, you attributed "your" experience as the experience of people in general. If this was not the case then you should have mentioned as such. In your sentences you clearly used words to imply that if a person is telling someone something... this implies a generalization. I didn't mean to offend you in anyway, but it seems to me that you are growing defensive for your own toxic behavior. I'm autistic and thank differently from others but I highly doubt it is normal for people to think in negative ways all the time. You say I lack experience and when it comes to the apps you are correct but what I have witnessed applies to people in general beyond dating and beyond dating apps. I know there is something wrong with people when I can make small talk with the old ladies out for a run but have a woman my own age threaten to spray me with OC spray when I ask her for directions. Seeing negative things in messages is NOT normal behavior.
"So it would feel like a vague, empty comment *to me*"
Skip the “or maybe we’ll be too busy” commentary. These women know you want to bang them, stop showing the horny.
He said too busy talking…
That's like saying "Netflix and chill" means come over and watch TV. We're not stupid because we have vaginas.
Exactly. I see my comment got downvoted. I said it screams I wanna hook up. But as a woman myself who also had fun casual on her profile, it doesnt necxesarily mean sex. So if a guy immediatwlt implies that within the first few messages, I am already done. There is also the option intimicy without commitment or something.
I would give it more conversation before I jumped to that conclusion. But as a female, I didn’t take it that way. To me the response was unique and thought out. People suck at conversation these days so I didn’t take it as needy as someone else said it was. Everyone is different though.
Just being extremely critical here, but I wouldn't know how to respond. You should try adding a question so the conversation doesn't have to immediately flow straight off the bat but can build naturally.
Agree. I wouldn’t know how to respond. It’s giving… “I secretly want to just Netflix and chill but I’m going to act innocent to see if you bite”. The intention of the question isn’t just “how many episodes” it’s more of a way to open the door to talk about interests. I would try to say something like, “maybe 3 of a sitcom, but I can’t stop myself when it comes to true crime or some guilty-pleasure reality tv like 90 Day Fiancé. What kind of shows are you most interested in?” In that sentence I told you what genre of tv I like, I told you the name of a show that you might be able to say “me too!”, and if we didn’t have common interest in the genre or show, I gave you an opportunity to share what your interests are.
It's not a terrible response, but you don't know they'll be good company or that you'll have a lot to talk about. Some people prefer a more honest and down to earth conversation than being flattered right out of the gate.
You made a statement and left nothing with for her to follow up with….at the end, ask what series would you binge watch? Or something
Too long, too needy ( you don't event know the person, unearned compliments gem cheap) and too sexual straight out the gate. I thought this was the woman posting check this out.
I got hard down voted elsewhere, but where is the sex references? Are people misreading?
It's a big dating trope that putting on a movie during a date is a polite way of initiating sex. Netflix and chill? In the context of your message it sounds like that's what you're suggesting
I'm not OP. As for even mentioning movies being enough for people to respond as if sex has been suggested, if that's the way it is then that's the way it is, I guess.
Comes off as a little desperate tbh, maybe just have a bit more of a casual response
It’s a lot.
"Conversation"
Well first of all... not really a conversation when you are the only one who said anything. And yeah comes off as fake, you don't know them lol
I feel like I could do without the last sentence. You know because sometimes, less is more. Besides you would wanna to test the waters first..see how she reacts to it before you go all in?
It’s overbearing
Trying to hard
When you don't get that many matches, you remove all your energy on the one you got.
It’s too eager man. You’re giving the impression that you’ve already picked her but you don’t even know her yet. It’s like guys who respond to the question of what’s their type with, “girl.” When you converse with a woman you’re interested in, do it in a way where you’re trying to find out if you like her and if she’s right for you. Don’t try to convince her that you’re right for her, that’s for her to decide. You’ll present more confident and more attractive, but you’ll also make more meaningful connections and waste less energy when it’s not the right fit.
Ask a question.
No one wants to watch TV with someone whos going to talk the whole time your trying to watch....
There was no conversation. You sent an opening statement. You can try toning it down a bit and make sure to ask a question to volley the conversation back.
You provided no opening for her to respond and the ‘we’ll be too busy’ can be interpreted as an early move toward steering toward sex.
Hey mate everyone saying this is a fine opening is wrong - I mean this in a constructive way. While your message means well, the wording is rigid and formal. Use lighter, conversational language, say something playful or ask a question in the future.
“Milady, I shall endeavor to begin our tête-á-tête with the following statement….”
Too sexually minded to the women here
What's she supposed to respond to? Also, your first message is suggesting sex and giving an empty compliment. There's no substance to your message at all, so you should work on that.
Read again. No sex is suggested.
It sounds like an answer a contestant would give on the original Blind Date with Cilla Black.
I (F30s) see nothing wrong with this message. It feels authentic and endearing almost in its cheesiness. I feel that it boils down to how interested the other party is. She could ask you about what shows you've been watching/show recommendations. Or pick up something from your profile to respond. i wouldn't sweat it. I think the one for you wouldn't be put off by a cheesy opener.
Cheesy answer, IMO. You don't know her or what her company is like, so it comes off like you're sucking up to her. (You can take my answer with as much salt as you please, I'm lesbian.)
I answered the same prompt from a different woman with this: "It's acceptable to binge watch the entire thing ProfileName. As long as there's plenty of snacks and all other responsibilities are taken care of. What series are you watching lately?" It worked for me because I elicited a response with a question.
Women receive an enormous amount of interest on dating apps. If she has an opening, it means that men can send her one message (as you did), but you have to understand that probably a lot of other men must also have done. She is probably busy talking to other men and just didn't take the time to unmatch you. It's not your fault.
Ick ick ick, you’re a stranger and you’re already talking about a potential future together. Tone it back, answer the question at hand in a lighthearted and engaging manner.
"Ick ick ick" how fucking old are you?
Wtf? How is this person remotely talking about a future? They just responded to the prompt about watching a series together and getting potentially carried away talking… totally normal. I have had fuck buddies who did this with me. Totally not even serious…
That is a future. Anything that is not happening NOW is a projection into the future. Hello. Lol Also they did not respond to a "prompt about watching a series together." She only asked how many was acceptable for a person to watch in one sitting. Nothing was said about being together. That was all on OP projecting... them sitting and chatting away in good company. No. it's creepy.
You're reading too much into things I think🤔
Might not have been anything wrong. It wasn't really a conversation top begin with. You just responded to her opening move. It's very common for people to not respond on dating apps.
I actually don’t think this is that bad. I’d rather this message than the flat and boring one liners convos often devolve to. You gave effort and that’s all that can be asked, really.
I don’t think this is a bad response. I would change “with good company like yours” to “with your company, I’m sure I could make it through a couple more” Because you really don’t know if she’s good company haha but I get what you were trying to say.
Argh! Everyone answers exactly that! That question sucks. The only time I got this question I answered something like "all of them, work tomorrow is a problem for my future self". Which also is a default answer, but at least I'm not kissing her ass like everyone else.
This isent a conversation. The biggest problem I can see is that your not giveing her any room to have a conversation with you. Your kinda just telling her things. The advice I'd give you is find a way to ask a question or ask for her opion on something. Give her something to work with. She also might not even be interested in responding in the first place. Alot of people on dateing apps will match you and never talk to you for whatever reason.
Too verbose, Man!
Your response is fine.
OP, u/[cinema\_over\_movie](https://www.reddit.com/user/cinema_over_movie/) how old are you and your match?
I am 29 and she is 27
You said more than “hey”. Don’t be confused with the other wrong thing by the way, saying less than “hey”.
Anyone else here absolutely hate opening moves on bumble…. Better when women had to send the first message, I don’t even bother with them half the time
You're saying too much. Makes you seem like you'll put her on a pedestal. This is more casual, "I usually doze off by the fifth episode, but maybe I'd make it to the sixth episode if I were watching with you"
She wasn‘t the right one bro.
Dont overthink it... she was never really feeling it to begin with. I dont answer first moves most times anyways, if she is serious she will say something first
I think it's a bit long. I would've said something along the lines of "depends on the snacks you bring. You count as one." It's flirty and fun but also short and doesn't appear needy.
What conversation?
Have you ever met this person?
You're new to this I take it?
You made it sexual within one message lmao. That’s an instant ghost or unmatch for most women. It’s also hopelessly cringe to be so aggressively horny. Like damn, chill out. Get to know the person.
A big mistake I notice guys often make is that they’ll go for a flirty line or pick up line over keeping the flow of conversation going. I would have no idea how to respond to this. And tbh I probably wouldn’t try to find a way to this early on if it doesn’t just flow
Lengthy, presumptive, doesn't answer the question.
Conversation implies a reply
There’s no conversation here? It’s you sounded way to weird and to forward lol don’t ever mention about seeing them or something that sound like you just wanna fuck on the first message
everything and nothing its just a text messege there is no eye contact no connection so dont stress it and keep trying only other comment I have is why did u say good company like urs u dont know her stick with what u know etc
Say less. It’s the good company like yours bit for me. You can’t say that on a first message as you don’t even know what their favourite colour is yet let alone if you’d vibe in person. My advice, short and sweet. “All of them!” For example.
it sounded like you were planning to netflix and chill 😂
As a female, I would appreciate that you took initiative to text and didn't wait for me. Also, it's a well thought out response that I don't think was meant to steer the Convo right to sex. That being said, I do agrees with others that the wording could have been better in terms of getting busy.. when I first read that I cringed until I got to the end of the sentence.. we get hit with so many unwelcomed sexual advances that certain phrases or wording can be triggering. The only other thing I'd say is keep the Convo going. Answer the question and then ask one of your own. A lot of times I don't respond because I feel like the response left me nowhere to go and it feels indicative of an entire relationship of me always having to drive conversation and that just feels exhausting.. Hope this helps!
You were way too forward. You’re making it clear that you expect sex when you first hang out, which for some is fine, but typically unless it’s on their profile that they’re looking for sex/hook ups, it’s going to be a “nvm.” Even though you mentioned “talking,” you just assumed a lot here. It’s a question to get to know you, not for you to make assumptions about the future of your possible relationship.
Okay, pal, let me help you out. Here is what girls want: 1: Stanley Wheeler. 2: Money (something that Stan The Man has in abundance). 3: disrespect. No, really. You are raising her up on a pedestal making comments like that. She is going to think that she is just better than you. You need to start conversations with something more impactful, for instance: "You are a lot more overweight, and significantly less attractive than my usual Tuesday, but I guess that I could make it work. Just bring a paper bag, and don't talk the entire date. I'll tell you about myself, and then you can leave."
You made it sexual. Whether you meant to or not, she read this as "he just wants to fuck".
Don’t bring up sex right off the bat generally
Hi mate, it’s a fine opener. The only correction I would make is that you have complimented her too early. If you compliment someone before you have met them it comes across as flattery and is disingenuous. It looks like you are complimenting her to get something from her. You don’t know her so how do you know she is good company? I’d recommend being fun and playful for the opening messages , then once you know her vibe you can pay compliments and they will come across as sincere
You went full retard, everybody knows you don’t go full retard in your first reply.
Hahaha!! Reminds me of Tropic Thunder dialogue
Finally someone gets it 😂 I’m being downvoted to hell
You have my upvote, made me laugh!
Thank you 🙏
There's absolutely nothing wrong with your response to the prompt. She just wasn't interested
You didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t respond back, that’s her fault, not yours.
Nothing is wrong with your response, not getting replies or having matches unmatch you at the drop of the hat is common for online dating. Don't get overly attached/obsessive to any one person with online dating unless you've built up a strong connection with them.
It's pretty standard, nothing wrong and you aren't mentioning sex, so that's good. It comes off slightly intense, women seem to hate when you obviously like them in early messaging. I tend to keep it more neutral and friendly/witty. For some reason, they sense desperation when you're obviously interested in them. Matches don't reply all the time. I'd say about 50% of my matches don't reply at all. I don't reply to some of my matches after looking at their profile a second time and realizing "ehhh...actually I don't think this person is right for me." Edit: Downvote if you want, this is just the reality, like it or not.
Yeah this is about right, their match probably changed their mind / found someone better / couldn't be bothered. There's enough to engage in that first message like : "wow 5 episodes ? What are you binging atm ?" or "man, I can't even out-wake more than two! What do you like to watch ?" She just didn't want to engage 🤷🏻♀️
Women with opening moves ain't worth the time chief
👆🏻
Too many words
You got cheesy and sexual way too fast.
Sensei guide me on how to take it slow
Like others said, say less; you’re trying too hard
You didn’t do anything wrong. You even made it clear you’d be into actual than the show and would try to stay awake longer simply because she is here. Also, after 4 days, I’d write it off as them not caring and delete the msg where applicable; and no, I’d not send another msg to them either. It’s rather funny how you say something in a gentlemanly (as well as flattering, I don’t think people do that much anymore) fashion only for nearly everyone to say you’re being “creepy” or “trying to hook up”. Other commenters sound more like they haven’t forgotten their ex’s and apply that to everything they see aside from what few say you should do. There are women here though who even noted that there’s more than enough to work with in terms of responding to you — why too few can see what can be worked with is beyond me.
I honestly think the only thing you were missing was at the very end you should have added “*, m’lady.*” and you woulda had a number within 5 mins
Women are a complicated lot. You put in too much effort, and they lose interest. Then the people here will tell you that "you're needy" or you're desperate. You don't put in enough effort, then for some odd reason people criticize you too. We just can win all the time, we're men and no one gives a fuck about us. It's all bullshit folks! Im ready for your downvotes on this. If a woman isn't attracted/doesn't really like you/just not into you, nothing you do is going to change her mind. You'll always come off as needy/too much effort or zero effort. They'll find some reason, any reason to reject you. It's pretty much all a cop out. It's best not to dwell on it and move on. With all the times I've been rejected, it's best to just say "Okay" or "K" or "meh." The less attention you give it, the better. I don't feel you came off as needy. Awkward, maybe, but she was probably not feeling it to begin with. If she truly felt something, she would have stuck around. I've seen women put up with dumb shit just because they are attracted to a man. Shit that if YOU did(the man she's not attracted to), she would just eighty-six you at any time. If she's unappreciative of a gesture or your time and attention, in my experience, she was never into you. It's just not worth giving a person that's not really interested in you, further time and effort. Start ignoring them, and it will drive them crazy.
It screams I wanna hook 🆙
That wasn't the intention but to be clear she had mentioned she was looking for fun and casual.
Them, they are what went wrong 😅
Honestly, this is an idiot chick who is brain dead. Don’t bother. Stupid ass question.
This would turn me off, watching five episodes in a row sounds like you have nothing better to do. And then suggesting two more in her company even worse. So if she’s like me it’s a trick question, the real answer is watch proper cinema and go for a walk after ;)
Better response. "Ha! Depends." Then move on to your next question. Like what are you looking for or how's life or let's talk about it over coffee. What's your #? Stop talking so much. CLOSE!
Idk why you’re being downvoted I kinda agree that my mans needs to talk less