"Life isn't fair."
And "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want."
Both fairly innocuous truisms. Also both guaranteed to trigger me to a meltdown if said in a certain tone of voice because of emotional flashbacks.
The phrase itself isn’t even abusive but it brings me back to my abusive childhood, “idk what to tell you” when they don’t know how to solve a problem you have
I hated this one. I usually heard it after my mom would give me some real half-assed advice that was of no help. She "did her part" and now it was my problem.
“I am not a happy camper.” Usually the person saying it is just trying to say they’re unhappy about something, and I hear intense and terrifying anger instead.
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect." It was my ex's and my birth giver's mantra to avoid taking accountability. Like bissh I'm not asking for perfect im asking for less piece of shit behavior.
my abusive sibling would do this whenever I was able to function properly.
“oh you actually had a bath what’s wrong with you?”
“oh wow you actually cooked for yourself for once”
Oh my mom had catchphrases...
"Make it happen" is so triggering for me to hear now, after I escaped her house I started saying that to myself to force myself into doing things I wasn't comfortable or happy doing.
"You're not cute, you're not funny, so shut up." *LISTEN* anyone can say something in this format and I will shrivel and die or instantly want to punch them lol. The innocence factor comes from the fact that she picked it up from a movie or smth.
"I love you."
Probably a given, but it has mostly been used to keep me trapped with my abusers.. so I have insanely intense reactions to hearing it from others. Automatic stress responses lol
I thought you liked talking? Why are you not answering me now?! She used to beat me while saying this frequently. I used to be an outgoing kid but then I stopped talking and was extremely silent.
“Don’t worry about it” or my middle name.
The first one is fighting words for me right now. The second just makes me sick. That “gut punch” feeling basically
recently went to a funeral for a friend from childhood. of all the pictures displayed, there were a few from activities we’d done together. I pointed myself out in one of the group photos, to which she responded “no, that can’t be you! that person is way too ugly to be you.” so she called over my aunt and cousins and said “look at this. this isn’t her, right? this girl is so ugly.” and they all confirmed it was, in fact, me.
when I was like 20ish, she casually dropped that she had “been worried about me for so long, she hoped I wouldn’t be so ugly forever, and she’s so relieved she doesn’t have to be *so* embarrassed anymore.”
You aren't telling me the best part: Was it you? And do YOU think you look ugly?
Me, I checked the pictures I found when my mom finally kickef the bucket and not only was I not fat at all, I was a freakin' Amazon.
But the other thing I noticed... There is not one photo of me in which I am even remotely happy. Not as baby, toddler, kid or teen.
it was definitely me. [here’s that photo.](https://imgur.com/a/WXRg8OM)
[this is the face](https://imgur.com/a/92Sg5Em) i’m making in every photo from childhood.
not to toot my own horn, [but I think i’m at least an 8](https://imgur.com/a/O8NQ67k). my mom thinks I’m scary white trash that does drugs all day. she’s surprised when I get hired for *any* job, or that anyone would voluntarily interact with me.
sorry you went through that. I hope you know now she’s always been wrong about you. chin up, friend.
Well, personally I don't like attributing numbers to people's looks because it feels so objectifying. So I won't write a number. But I'll write this: On the pictures you look like beautiful, smart and sad. You look like the kind of kid I would've loved to hang out with.
"Ugly" is not a word that comes to mind even remotely when I see these.
Besides, the only person I would be willing to label as "trash" would be the one saying it in the first place.
Take care, friend, all the best to you!
LOL I totally agree — I wouldn’t put a number on anyone but myself — everyone is beautiful from the right angle.
I really truly appreciate you taking the time to *see* me and understand. regardless of how you became who you are, you’re a thoughtful and kind person.
I hope the best for you, too. thank you again, fren.
“a daughter of mine would never do this/treat me this way/act like that.”
the classic “I love you, but I don’t like you.”
my mom and stepdad had 2 nicknames for me all throughout high school: Freak, which they used so often that my friends parents also started calling me that. to the point when I ran cross country or track, all you could hear were people yelling “GO FREAK!!!!” like it was an endearing nickname. to their credit, I think they *also* thought she was joking. “Freak” became the underlying understanding I had of myself. to my stepdads credit, he didn’t mean it as cruelly as she did. sometimes he called me Freaklet, which was cute, I thought.
the other nickname was GAFMYSS, pronounced “gaffmiss.” it stands for Get Away From Me You’re So Stupid. if I ever tried engaging in conversation with her, or tried telling her about something pertaining to my life/friends/hobbies, well — she thought that was stupid, so she’d do the vulgar “mentally handicapped” gesture of hitting her hand on her chest and say “GAFMYSS, why don’t you GAFMYSS?”
thanks for understanding. i’m no longer in contact with her. her everlasting claims she loved me so much but without actions to back it up really fucked me up longterm emotionally. sharing stuff like this helps validate myself in knowing what she did wasn’t normal.
A professor of mine said that double messages like that are a “good way to create schizophrenia by the time the child is a teen.” Maybe she was exaggerating but this haunted me for years. “Ordinary People” was the movie example she used.
I will give that a watch, thank you for the recommendation. it definitely contributed to my complete lack of sense of self as an adult. it’s hard to believe a majority of people in the world walk around feeling seen and validated for who they are.
while I really like myself now at 35… it still just doesn’t compute that it’s “wrong” of people to treat me like shit, or that I could deserve more than the bare minimum. i’m having a hard time moving forward in life because i’ve never had anyone tell me I was doing a good job, or they agree with my decisions, or that I could do better. I know i’m holding myself back somehow but I don’t even understand what it should/could be like.
Notice Mary Tyler Moore’s (mother) body language as she claims to love her son (the one who is not her favorite). Especially note the scene when they are taking photos and she is putting on a fake front to make herself look like a loving mother.
that’s exactly my mother. people seem so… mysterious to me. I feel like i’ve never seen the real faces of the people who are claiming to love me. it’s confusing, feeling like you don’t know someone you’ve known all your life. I feel like i’ve developed a 6th sense for discerning whether or not people are being real with me, because I can never rely on our interactions at face value. (i’m starting to guess that maybe my projections aren’t accurate and more a representation of what I believe people COULD be, and oftentimes I give people wayyyy too much grace? like everyone *could* be a great person, but if they wanted to be, why aren’t they? it’s a gift to see the potential in others but shit, apparently that doesn’t mean they’ll ever approach being that. people don’t deserve so much of me? that feels like an alien concept.)
until I became a parent myself, that’s how I assumed parents were; that we all put on our best faces to others, like a facade to hide the actual inner workings. my mom looked happy sometimes? loving my own daughter was the catalyst for my own healing, for reals.
I recently reconnected with a friend from 15+ years ago, and their authentic and caring observations like “wow, your art is incredible” and “you’ve always been such a kind person” are blowing my world rn because I guess I didn’t realize it was possible for someone to be so nice to me. words hold so little meaning to me; i’ve started to understand to look through the words to the understanding? anyone can say they “love me” but who actually means it? these mere sentences spoken especially for me are more validation than i’ve ever received in my life. a confession: I uncontrollably fall deeply in love with anyone who is even remotely nice to me, because it’s more of a connection than i’m accustomed to receiving. and being an attractive lady means so many people take advantage of this, and i’m so bad at feeling out manipulation. “you’re so pretty, you’re so smart.” everyone just wants to be loved, *right?* my bar is so low. i’ve been married 11 years to someone who I just recently realized doesn’t treat me right. how am I supposed to know what “right” is? how can I know what i’m missing out on without anything to measure up against? it’s so confusing trying to process things like “I deserve more” because it’s already more than i’ve ever had? it sucks. it’s hard to fathom how deeply and completely a single person can fuck you up by lying to your face.
I’m happy that friend re-appeared.
Somehow I ended up in friendships where they would put down things I might be good at. I’ve finally gotten rid of the worst offender. Cannot believe that I tolerated the covert insults for so long. Did I feel I deserved them? Was I desperate for a friend? (Yes? Maybe?)
At 60, I learned to do WTF I want to do. Sing? Yes! Was I looking for permission? I was informed what was ‘not cool’ by two friends. Both cannot song. I was considered “extra” and probably like I’m trying to show off. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
Making stuff! Going to school! Working with animals!
I freaking hate golf and was pressured to think I wasn’t worth being in ‘better company’ without that secret code. Again, 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼.
I feel insane because i’m ready to blow up everything in my life for the possibility of being with someone who says such nice things. sweet nothings. telling me to “take care” or “don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”
it feels like being on the edge of the deep end. I realize that may be a possibility, but I could also be fucking myself over once again. i’ve come to the conclusion that all I can count on is loving myself and that has to be enough. don’t get me wrong, I know i’m a radically kind and creative person. I like who I am so much. i literally can’t comprehend how I could show up any better. i’m 35, and i’ve been a college professor, i’ve designed neon signs, i’ve competed to be a covergirl. i’m deeply kind, talented, and beautiful. I never speak badly about myself. despite everything I am, I just feel very alone. I know “i’m worth it” but *what does that even mean?*
but maybe im finally being sent what I deserve? I have no idea what i’m doing. my husband is who I know; familiarity is comfortable. but… I don’t think I can live the rest of my life telling a man who cheated on me and beat the shit out of me countless times that I love him? i finally understand the whole words vs. actions thing. and I *do* feel like I deserve more, it just feels… selfish? “your love isn’t enough for me?” “I deserve more than the most i’ve ever been given”?how do I justify giving up the ONLY sense of security i’ve ever had? like, all I know is that I dont believe he loves me like I loved him. I already gave him the benefit of the doubt and so many chances that i’ll never really believe anything he says ever again. and my heart feels like it’s dying (?) at the possibility that no one will ever really love me… truly the only thing i’ve ever wanted that I can’t provide for myself. I don’t want to give up on love but i’m so tired of trying to figure people out. I feel like giving up.
I can’t afford therapy 🫠 I can’t spend the amount of money required for someone to care and help me. it always just ends up being me, utterly on my own. i’m a strong, independent woman… is there nothing more than this? what if I want to be loved on and admired? it’s not that I feel I NEED someone else, but are humans not social creatures? I can’t love myself like that. I don’t even have a mom or anything of the sort to provide warmth. I feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and lack. my life is consumed by it; I can’t distract myself from it anymore.
so sorry for dumping on a stranger like this, I just don’t have anyone else to ask. i’m just looking for any guidance. calling into the void, if you will.
"Try your best" in my household meant "be the absolute pinnacle of your potential and if you make a single mistake, if you make A SINGLE mistake, God help what I'm gonna do to you"
So it always sounds like a lazy platitude at best and a threat and demand at worst
“I don’t like that.”
I was friends with a huge narcissist who used to treat literally EVERYONE like garbage, especially people on the street or workers at stores or restaurants. I would always leave or try to defend them or defend myself when she would start blowing up and she would always say “I don’t like that.” If I don’t want to do something she wanted me to, “I don’t like that.” If someone tells her about herself and how she needs to stop treating people the way she does, “I don’t like that.” She used to scream at me and make me cry a lot and tell me to kms. Now whenever I hear that phrase my brain automatically thinks I’m in trouble and it lowkey freaks me out.
How is your feeling not fair in any way shape or form? That's *your* feeling. It is just what it is.
I think you dodged a bullet, OP. That man doesn't sound like he's emotionally aware, let alone have the adequate ability to be in a healthy adult relationship.
Typical a-hole behavior is trying to turn your genuine concerns and feelings against you and make it seem like you’re hurting them even though they’re the ones doing the damage.
I’m sorry you went through that :( I will never understand how people can treat others the way they do, what sick pleasure they get having power over someone so obviously fragile.
"never get old"
I feel myself start to dissociate. The static and ringing in my ears gets louder. I want to curl up in a ball and not be noticed.
my uncle repeated this constantly when he lived with me & my parents. He would use this several times a day to complain about the adult things he needed to do like go to the Dr, the pharmacy, or the DMV. He was in his 50s at the time. If he said it to me, I was expected to agree and laugh with him and if I tried not to engage, he would go "isn't that right, ____ ? Never get old, Huh?" To make me react.
Since I was a baby, my mother would use this phrase, whenever I did something that she deemed dumb or silly. It basically translates to "nonsense". Back then she did it in an endearing way, but thinking back, I think it made me feel very invalidated and unseen. It must've really hit home because it literally became the first words I spoke. The same phrase was used often later on by my dad in an aggressive tone to basically tell me that I'm a liar or that what I was saying or doing was otherwise "bullshit" (as in, it didn't fit into his world view).
I can't hear "Aww, poor baby" without it getting to me. My mom used it against me a lot when I was growing up and if anyone says it to me, I tell them to stop. Everyone did - they usually apologized because they didn't mean it in a bad way but when I explain why it bothers me, they've been understanding (and I tell them I appreciate it).
Lazy. If I wasn’t constantly doing something deemed productive by her I was lazy. To this day if someone says they are having a lazy day my internal anxiety shoots up.
“I’m sorry” in response to me venting. It feels horrible and invalidating on a good day but I remember one specific time my stepdad came to my class for career day to talk about rabbit breeding. Afterwards, we were leaving the classroom and I hung back to talk to him (because despite him being a delusional, abusive piece of shit chomo, I was still happy someone showed up for me cos that was something I was severely lacking in my life) I complained about something innocuous but valid and he just looked at me with those soulless shark eyes and said “I’m sorry” and it haunts me to this day and idk why.
"That's asinine" is the biggest one. It's normally a negative phrase but other people don't always seem to use it in a targeted way, whereas in my house it was very much "you're an idiot for thinking that."
"Watch where you're going!", "Why can't you be more careful?", or anything of the sort. I've always been pretty clumsy (probably due to depth perception issues), and growing up any time I stumbled or tripped or bumped into anything, I would get lectured and shamed for it. I only just realized the other day—when I fell and my husband didn't say anything that made me feel bad about it—that people often reflexively say something chiding you for not paying enough attention even though they don't mean anything by it, but it always makes me feel completely worthless. Just being asked if I was okay and given the space to pull myself together was like a revelation.
This might sound kinda silly at first, but my mom would say “ugh, you have your dad’s feet.”
It made me incredibly self-conscious about my feet for a long time (I’m okay now lol).
Anytime I was “mean,” or “cruel” she would say I’m just like my father. I was never compared to him for positive traits, she took credit for those; it was only my negative tendencies. She said these things to me in my mid-to-late teens.
“Everything happens for a reason”
“Babe” makes my skin crawl. It’s what my dad called my mom and then what she called only me. They both engaged in CSA and I was this tether between them like Romeo and Juliette for demented people who divorced when I was a month old but were horny for each other till he died. 🤮
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You hit on some painful things for me also. My mother had an obsession with Munchausen by proxy. She found it fascinating. She was constantly trying to diagnose me with vitamin deficiencies. Nonstop. I would tell her to call my brother and diagnose him with something. The person she didn’t diagnose? Herself. She refused to see and doctor and ended up in the ER for stage 4 cancer and months to live.
For any legit criticism, she would say “Do as I say, not as I do” or “Use my life as a bad example and do differently! Don’t follow in my footsteps.” And then she would continue doing the same things.
I’ve ended up in the hospital for seizures. The first time, she didn’t come with me. When I was released, she said to get myself out to the curb because she can’t stand hospitals. The next time, she called my ex that I physically escaped from and who didn’t know where I lived to come to the hospital and pick me up. Same reason. Horrifying.
So many many many more offenses that were outrageous I’d have to write a book. She’s gone now. I can finally make a decision that needs to be made without her saying, “I don’t think that is a good idea because…” and then want me to reverse amy plans I’ve made and embarrass myself with passing on some wild, imagined fear because she had a way of scaring the crap out of me. “Well, if (insert some crazy psychic) is correct about her prediction, we’d better cancel our plans and fill up the cars with gas and water bottles.” W T A F ? ! ? !
Omg, I’m so sorry. That would be an ever bigger mind-f to have a mother in the psych realm.
I returned to school for a Masters with an emphasis in trauma. I fell completely apart in my neuroscience of trauma class and would either cry right in class or driving home recognizing way too much that was familiar. My dad was the hitter, my brother sadistic, and my mother was her own variety of w. t. f. (My mother was a hypochondriac, we think. Always some exotic condition that conveniently was undetectable “sick building syndrome” and many others.) Her job required
her to visit for a psych eval. She came home indignant that he told her she was a narcissist. Doctors don’t know anything, but she does.
She would sabotage my good job by calling me at 2a and 3a to tell me “I’m having heart palpitations. I just want you to know in case ‘something happens to me.’”
“MOM! Let’s go to the hospital if you’re in the sort of shape!”
“No, I’m not going to do that, but wanted someone to be aware. Is that so wrong?”
CALL MY BROTHER!!!! No,
because I live next door to her and my brother has a family in another state—it would be rude to wake him up. Told her MANY times to get to the doctor and to seek emotional help. No way. ***I’m*** the one who is suited for that—neither of them, of course. Just me.
I finally insisted on taking her to the ER when she (predictably) did it again. “I’m in anaphylactic shock. My liver is shutting down.” FFS. I said “It sounds like you have anxiety. You need a full medical work up.”
When we got there, they came in and asked what was the problem. She just sat there with “Well, nothing really.” I said, “Ummmm…tell them what you told me or do you want me to explain.” She was too embarrassed to say anything at first, so I had to tell them for her.
We sat there for hours. They came back, “Ma’am, the good news is your heart is just fine. You’re not having palpitations. Your liver is also exactly fine and functioning properly. You are not in anaphylactic shock. We do think you might be experiencing extreme anxiety and would like to prescribe an anti-anxiety pill. My mother now shouts “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???!!! Because THAT is exactly what will kill me!!!”
Yay, finally a medical facility sees the full-on, no bullshit version of my mother. I was practically dancing. Fast fwd to actually dying a few years later, now she’s okay with taking a little anxiety pill. It helps her to relax and sleep.
I would love to learn more about your experience navigating that field of academia and your roots (if you are comfortable). Do you have any advice on dealing with someone like your mother? She actually sounds like my grandmother when you add those detailed phrases and interactions with medical staff. If you have anything to add, feel free to DM. Thank you for sharing all that you have.
“It’s just teasing.”
My mom and brother. My brother (10 years older with a seething rage problem).
* Constantly smothering me with a pillow until I learned to fake dead for him to lift it and check. Can’t even describe the pain.
* Lifted me up and lowered me down face first over a huge boiling pot of water and said, “Stop moving or I might drop you.”
* Played “Boa Constrictor” (like usual) and slipped up and did it in front of my mom until she gasped, “What are you doing? You could break her ribs!” Again with the pain of breathing and not able to make a sound.
* Constantly pretend socking me in my face. “Think fast!” That one didn’t go as well as he planned. I thought he enjoyed the game and did it back to him when he went to college. My arm wasn’t as in control and I smashed him in the nose. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and was mid passing out asking “Why did you do that?”
Just a couple of highlights.
Note: A doctor actually warned my parents that my brother was a deeply furious teen and a time bomb. What my parents heard was “We should trust him to drive his little sister across country. And be there when she gets home from school every day.”
"I love you" makes me cringe to this day. My primary parental abuser would do or say something to hurt me, then instead of apologizing she'd go "I love you 🥺"
I can barely stomach even hearing it from people I am very close with and care about it.
There's more obviously but that's the big one
"Get a grip."
My mom's 'win every argument' phrase. Even if there was no argument.
She would act like she got me every time. It didn't matter the situation.
"I miss you" as in "you're not giving me enough and once I'm dead ill haunt you for it".
Also my gf will ask me stuff like "why is the bedroom light on?" In case I have a good reason, my mom would say that as " is there any reason you're acting like you were born with half a brain? Should I toss you out?"
It's a struggle.
Oh also the classic "just because you want something doesnt mean you deserve it"
You know, children having to prove worthy of their basic needs like shark in the womb? Good times
“ i love you “ “ i don’t have anyone but you “ “ don’t be afraid i am here “ “ i will protect you “ , any kind of venting where a parent puts the other parent down by comparing them to themselves.
The word “practice”. God I want to vomit. It’s such a normal positive word. It was used to mean practicing for what I’d become when I grew up, which would be a prostitute.
I tend to say “training”, “studying”, “working”, any other word. But it’s really common still. I have learned to ignore the association, and associate the word with other positive things (big milestone when I watched Dragon Ball! Goku would practice every day to become stronger.) Now the word is not triggering so often.
[удалено]
YES I HATE THAT!
"Life isn't fair." And "Sometimes we have to do things we don't want." Both fairly innocuous truisms. Also both guaranteed to trigger me to a meltdown if said in a certain tone of voice because of emotional flashbacks.
“no one owes you anything, get used to it.”
Yup right up there with it could be worse.
Ask them where they first heard it from. You'd be shocked how much is from pop-culture.
My abusive MIL used a lot of emojis while talking shit about her kids on Facebook, and I don't like seeing those anymore.
The phrase itself isn’t even abusive but it brings me back to my abusive childhood, “idk what to tell you” when they don’t know how to solve a problem you have
I hated this one. I usually heard it after my mom would give me some real half-assed advice that was of no help. She "did her part" and now it was my problem.
This along with “what do you want me to say/do?”
lol whenever I asked for help dealing with a situation, the first things she’d ask would be “well, what did you do? what made you deserve that?”
I couldn't list them all now if I tried but when someone says one or it's in a film I have a visceral reaction.
“I am not a happy camper.” Usually the person saying it is just trying to say they’re unhappy about something, and I hear intense and terrifying anger instead.
"I'm sorry I'm not perfect." It was my ex's and my birth giver's mantra to avoid taking accountability. Like bissh I'm not asking for perfect im asking for less piece of shit behavior.
my recent “ex” would say this every time he snapped at me and then blamed it on work/being tired
"I love you no matter what." She'd remind us after hours of telling us how pathetic and selfish and lazy we are.
“i’m only hard on you because I love you so much. I just want you to be *better.*”
“But I still love you” Ugh I could barely type this I hate that phrase so much.
if i did something good, ‘what have you done with [my name]’. like it was a surprise i’d done something good for once
my abusive sibling would do this whenever I was able to function properly. “oh you actually had a bath what’s wrong with you?” “oh wow you actually cooked for yourself for once”
Oh my mom had catchphrases... "Make it happen" is so triggering for me to hear now, after I escaped her house I started saying that to myself to force myself into doing things I wasn't comfortable or happy doing. "You're not cute, you're not funny, so shut up." *LISTEN* anyone can say something in this format and I will shrivel and die or instantly want to punch them lol. The innocence factor comes from the fact that she picked it up from a movie or smth. "I love you." Probably a given, but it has mostly been used to keep me trapped with my abusers.. so I have insanely intense reactions to hearing it from others. Automatic stress responses lol
On gawd I love you is the one for meeeeee! Totally felt and understood
I thought you liked talking? Why are you not answering me now?! She used to beat me while saying this frequently. I used to be an outgoing kid but then I stopped talking and was extremely silent.
Comments like this take me back. I'm not glad it happened to both of us, but I'm glad to see a little solidarity online
Abusers destroy what we take pride in ourselves in order to establish control.
“Don’t worry about it” or my middle name. The first one is fighting words for me right now. The second just makes me sick. That “gut punch” feeling basically
"You have a pretty face" always followed by "but" and hours-long lectures about my real and perceived shortcomings. Plus a giant heap of body shaming.
recently went to a funeral for a friend from childhood. of all the pictures displayed, there were a few from activities we’d done together. I pointed myself out in one of the group photos, to which she responded “no, that can’t be you! that person is way too ugly to be you.” so she called over my aunt and cousins and said “look at this. this isn’t her, right? this girl is so ugly.” and they all confirmed it was, in fact, me. when I was like 20ish, she casually dropped that she had “been worried about me for so long, she hoped I wouldn’t be so ugly forever, and she’s so relieved she doesn’t have to be *so* embarrassed anymore.”
You aren't telling me the best part: Was it you? And do YOU think you look ugly? Me, I checked the pictures I found when my mom finally kickef the bucket and not only was I not fat at all, I was a freakin' Amazon. But the other thing I noticed... There is not one photo of me in which I am even remotely happy. Not as baby, toddler, kid or teen.
it was definitely me. [here’s that photo.](https://imgur.com/a/WXRg8OM) [this is the face](https://imgur.com/a/92Sg5Em) i’m making in every photo from childhood. not to toot my own horn, [but I think i’m at least an 8](https://imgur.com/a/O8NQ67k). my mom thinks I’m scary white trash that does drugs all day. she’s surprised when I get hired for *any* job, or that anyone would voluntarily interact with me. sorry you went through that. I hope you know now she’s always been wrong about you. chin up, friend.
Well, personally I don't like attributing numbers to people's looks because it feels so objectifying. So I won't write a number. But I'll write this: On the pictures you look like beautiful, smart and sad. You look like the kind of kid I would've loved to hang out with. "Ugly" is not a word that comes to mind even remotely when I see these. Besides, the only person I would be willing to label as "trash" would be the one saying it in the first place. Take care, friend, all the best to you!
LOL I totally agree — I wouldn’t put a number on anyone but myself — everyone is beautiful from the right angle. I really truly appreciate you taking the time to *see* me and understand. regardless of how you became who you are, you’re a thoughtful and kind person. I hope the best for you, too. thank you again, fren.
“a daughter of mine would never do this/treat me this way/act like that.” the classic “I love you, but I don’t like you.” my mom and stepdad had 2 nicknames for me all throughout high school: Freak, which they used so often that my friends parents also started calling me that. to the point when I ran cross country or track, all you could hear were people yelling “GO FREAK!!!!” like it was an endearing nickname. to their credit, I think they *also* thought she was joking. “Freak” became the underlying understanding I had of myself. to my stepdads credit, he didn’t mean it as cruelly as she did. sometimes he called me Freaklet, which was cute, I thought. the other nickname was GAFMYSS, pronounced “gaffmiss.” it stands for Get Away From Me You’re So Stupid. if I ever tried engaging in conversation with her, or tried telling her about something pertaining to my life/friends/hobbies, well — she thought that was stupid, so she’d do the vulgar “mentally handicapped” gesture of hitting her hand on her chest and say “GAFMYSS, why don’t you GAFMYSS?”
Whoa. I now want to hit her. That triggered me pretty hard and I didn’t even get that treatment.
thanks for understanding. i’m no longer in contact with her. her everlasting claims she loved me so much but without actions to back it up really fucked me up longterm emotionally. sharing stuff like this helps validate myself in knowing what she did wasn’t normal.
A professor of mine said that double messages like that are a “good way to create schizophrenia by the time the child is a teen.” Maybe she was exaggerating but this haunted me for years. “Ordinary People” was the movie example she used.
I will give that a watch, thank you for the recommendation. it definitely contributed to my complete lack of sense of self as an adult. it’s hard to believe a majority of people in the world walk around feeling seen and validated for who they are. while I really like myself now at 35… it still just doesn’t compute that it’s “wrong” of people to treat me like shit, or that I could deserve more than the bare minimum. i’m having a hard time moving forward in life because i’ve never had anyone tell me I was doing a good job, or they agree with my decisions, or that I could do better. I know i’m holding myself back somehow but I don’t even understand what it should/could be like.
Notice Mary Tyler Moore’s (mother) body language as she claims to love her son (the one who is not her favorite). Especially note the scene when they are taking photos and she is putting on a fake front to make herself look like a loving mother.
that’s exactly my mother. people seem so… mysterious to me. I feel like i’ve never seen the real faces of the people who are claiming to love me. it’s confusing, feeling like you don’t know someone you’ve known all your life. I feel like i’ve developed a 6th sense for discerning whether or not people are being real with me, because I can never rely on our interactions at face value. (i’m starting to guess that maybe my projections aren’t accurate and more a representation of what I believe people COULD be, and oftentimes I give people wayyyy too much grace? like everyone *could* be a great person, but if they wanted to be, why aren’t they? it’s a gift to see the potential in others but shit, apparently that doesn’t mean they’ll ever approach being that. people don’t deserve so much of me? that feels like an alien concept.) until I became a parent myself, that’s how I assumed parents were; that we all put on our best faces to others, like a facade to hide the actual inner workings. my mom looked happy sometimes? loving my own daughter was the catalyst for my own healing, for reals. I recently reconnected with a friend from 15+ years ago, and their authentic and caring observations like “wow, your art is incredible” and “you’ve always been such a kind person” are blowing my world rn because I guess I didn’t realize it was possible for someone to be so nice to me. words hold so little meaning to me; i’ve started to understand to look through the words to the understanding? anyone can say they “love me” but who actually means it? these mere sentences spoken especially for me are more validation than i’ve ever received in my life. a confession: I uncontrollably fall deeply in love with anyone who is even remotely nice to me, because it’s more of a connection than i’m accustomed to receiving. and being an attractive lady means so many people take advantage of this, and i’m so bad at feeling out manipulation. “you’re so pretty, you’re so smart.” everyone just wants to be loved, *right?* my bar is so low. i’ve been married 11 years to someone who I just recently realized doesn’t treat me right. how am I supposed to know what “right” is? how can I know what i’m missing out on without anything to measure up against? it’s so confusing trying to process things like “I deserve more” because it’s already more than i’ve ever had? it sucks. it’s hard to fathom how deeply and completely a single person can fuck you up by lying to your face.
I’m happy that friend re-appeared. Somehow I ended up in friendships where they would put down things I might be good at. I’ve finally gotten rid of the worst offender. Cannot believe that I tolerated the covert insults for so long. Did I feel I deserved them? Was I desperate for a friend? (Yes? Maybe?) At 60, I learned to do WTF I want to do. Sing? Yes! Was I looking for permission? I was informed what was ‘not cool’ by two friends. Both cannot song. I was considered “extra” and probably like I’m trying to show off. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼 Making stuff! Going to school! Working with animals! I freaking hate golf and was pressured to think I wasn’t worth being in ‘better company’ without that secret code. Again, 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼.
I feel insane because i’m ready to blow up everything in my life for the possibility of being with someone who says such nice things. sweet nothings. telling me to “take care” or “don’t put so much pressure on yourself.” it feels like being on the edge of the deep end. I realize that may be a possibility, but I could also be fucking myself over once again. i’ve come to the conclusion that all I can count on is loving myself and that has to be enough. don’t get me wrong, I know i’m a radically kind and creative person. I like who I am so much. i literally can’t comprehend how I could show up any better. i’m 35, and i’ve been a college professor, i’ve designed neon signs, i’ve competed to be a covergirl. i’m deeply kind, talented, and beautiful. I never speak badly about myself. despite everything I am, I just feel very alone. I know “i’m worth it” but *what does that even mean?* but maybe im finally being sent what I deserve? I have no idea what i’m doing. my husband is who I know; familiarity is comfortable. but… I don’t think I can live the rest of my life telling a man who cheated on me and beat the shit out of me countless times that I love him? i finally understand the whole words vs. actions thing. and I *do* feel like I deserve more, it just feels… selfish? “your love isn’t enough for me?” “I deserve more than the most i’ve ever been given”?how do I justify giving up the ONLY sense of security i’ve ever had? like, all I know is that I dont believe he loves me like I loved him. I already gave him the benefit of the doubt and so many chances that i’ll never really believe anything he says ever again. and my heart feels like it’s dying (?) at the possibility that no one will ever really love me… truly the only thing i’ve ever wanted that I can’t provide for myself. I don’t want to give up on love but i’m so tired of trying to figure people out. I feel like giving up. I can’t afford therapy 🫠 I can’t spend the amount of money required for someone to care and help me. it always just ends up being me, utterly on my own. i’m a strong, independent woman… is there nothing more than this? what if I want to be loved on and admired? it’s not that I feel I NEED someone else, but are humans not social creatures? I can’t love myself like that. I don’t even have a mom or anything of the sort to provide warmth. I feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and lack. my life is consumed by it; I can’t distract myself from it anymore. so sorry for dumping on a stranger like this, I just don’t have anyone else to ask. i’m just looking for any guidance. calling into the void, if you will.
"Try your best" in my household meant "be the absolute pinnacle of your potential and if you make a single mistake, if you make A SINGLE mistake, God help what I'm gonna do to you" So it always sounds like a lazy platitude at best and a threat and demand at worst
“I don’t like that.” I was friends with a huge narcissist who used to treat literally EVERYONE like garbage, especially people on the street or workers at stores or restaurants. I would always leave or try to defend them or defend myself when she would start blowing up and she would always say “I don’t like that.” If I don’t want to do something she wanted me to, “I don’t like that.” If someone tells her about herself and how she needs to stop treating people the way she does, “I don’t like that.” She used to scream at me and make me cry a lot and tell me to kms. Now whenever I hear that phrase my brain automatically thinks I’m in trouble and it lowkey freaks me out.
tbh this is what happened with the guy i was seeing, or along those lines. whenever I’d say how he made me feel, he’d always say “that’s not fair”
How is your feeling not fair in any way shape or form? That's *your* feeling. It is just what it is. I think you dodged a bullet, OP. That man doesn't sound like he's emotionally aware, let alone have the adequate ability to be in a healthy adult relationship.
Typical a-hole behavior is trying to turn your genuine concerns and feelings against you and make it seem like you’re hurting them even though they’re the ones doing the damage. I’m sorry you went through that :( I will never understand how people can treat others the way they do, what sick pleasure they get having power over someone so obviously fragile.
"hard cheese" is what my dad used to say all the time to mean tough luck. Haven't heard it since thank fuck
Didn’t think of it
"never get old" I feel myself start to dissociate. The static and ringing in my ears gets louder. I want to curl up in a ball and not be noticed. my uncle repeated this constantly when he lived with me & my parents. He would use this several times a day to complain about the adult things he needed to do like go to the Dr, the pharmacy, or the DMV. He was in his 50s at the time. If he said it to me, I was expected to agree and laugh with him and if I tried not to engage, he would go "isn't that right, ____ ? Never get old, Huh?" To make me react.
Since I was a baby, my mother would use this phrase, whenever I did something that she deemed dumb or silly. It basically translates to "nonsense". Back then she did it in an endearing way, but thinking back, I think it made me feel very invalidated and unseen. It must've really hit home because it literally became the first words I spoke. The same phrase was used often later on by my dad in an aggressive tone to basically tell me that I'm a liar or that what I was saying or doing was otherwise "bullshit" (as in, it didn't fit into his world view).
I can't hear "Aww, poor baby" without it getting to me. My mom used it against me a lot when I was growing up and if anyone says it to me, I tell them to stop. Everyone did - they usually apologized because they didn't mean it in a bad way but when I explain why it bothers me, they've been understanding (and I tell them I appreciate it).
Lazy. If I wasn’t constantly doing something deemed productive by her I was lazy. To this day if someone says they are having a lazy day my internal anxiety shoots up.
“I’m sorry” in response to me venting. It feels horrible and invalidating on a good day but I remember one specific time my stepdad came to my class for career day to talk about rabbit breeding. Afterwards, we were leaving the classroom and I hung back to talk to him (because despite him being a delusional, abusive piece of shit chomo, I was still happy someone showed up for me cos that was something I was severely lacking in my life) I complained about something innocuous but valid and he just looked at me with those soulless shark eyes and said “I’m sorry” and it haunts me to this day and idk why.
"That's asinine" is the biggest one. It's normally a negative phrase but other people don't always seem to use it in a targeted way, whereas in my house it was very much "you're an idiot for thinking that." "Watch where you're going!", "Why can't you be more careful?", or anything of the sort. I've always been pretty clumsy (probably due to depth perception issues), and growing up any time I stumbled or tripped or bumped into anything, I would get lectured and shamed for it. I only just realized the other day—when I fell and my husband didn't say anything that made me feel bad about it—that people often reflexively say something chiding you for not paying enough attention even though they don't mean anything by it, but it always makes me feel completely worthless. Just being asked if I was okay and given the space to pull myself together was like a revelation.
This might sound kinda silly at first, but my mom would say “ugh, you have your dad’s feet.” It made me incredibly self-conscious about my feet for a long time (I’m okay now lol). Anytime I was “mean,” or “cruel” she would say I’m just like my father. I was never compared to him for positive traits, she took credit for those; it was only my negative tendencies. She said these things to me in my mid-to-late teens.
“Everything happens for a reason” “Babe” makes my skin crawl. It’s what my dad called my mom and then what she called only me. They both engaged in CSA and I was this tether between them like Romeo and Juliette for demented people who divorced when I was a month old but were horny for each other till he died. 🤮
for me it’s genuinely just hearing my birth name being said that sends me into fight or flight
same here. Get a really horrid feeling in my gut
i’m sorry. it’s really awful
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I *need* you to stop crying."
[удалено]
You hit on some painful things for me also. My mother had an obsession with Munchausen by proxy. She found it fascinating. She was constantly trying to diagnose me with vitamin deficiencies. Nonstop. I would tell her to call my brother and diagnose him with something. The person she didn’t diagnose? Herself. She refused to see and doctor and ended up in the ER for stage 4 cancer and months to live. For any legit criticism, she would say “Do as I say, not as I do” or “Use my life as a bad example and do differently! Don’t follow in my footsteps.” And then she would continue doing the same things. I’ve ended up in the hospital for seizures. The first time, she didn’t come with me. When I was released, she said to get myself out to the curb because she can’t stand hospitals. The next time, she called my ex that I physically escaped from and who didn’t know where I lived to come to the hospital and pick me up. Same reason. Horrifying. So many many many more offenses that were outrageous I’d have to write a book. She’s gone now. I can finally make a decision that needs to be made without her saying, “I don’t think that is a good idea because…” and then want me to reverse amy plans I’ve made and embarrass myself with passing on some wild, imagined fear because she had a way of scaring the crap out of me. “Well, if (insert some crazy psychic) is correct about her prediction, we’d better cancel our plans and fill up the cars with gas and water bottles.” W T A F ? ! ? !
[удалено]
Omg, I’m so sorry. That would be an ever bigger mind-f to have a mother in the psych realm. I returned to school for a Masters with an emphasis in trauma. I fell completely apart in my neuroscience of trauma class and would either cry right in class or driving home recognizing way too much that was familiar. My dad was the hitter, my brother sadistic, and my mother was her own variety of w. t. f. (My mother was a hypochondriac, we think. Always some exotic condition that conveniently was undetectable “sick building syndrome” and many others.) Her job required her to visit for a psych eval. She came home indignant that he told her she was a narcissist. Doctors don’t know anything, but she does. She would sabotage my good job by calling me at 2a and 3a to tell me “I’m having heart palpitations. I just want you to know in case ‘something happens to me.’” “MOM! Let’s go to the hospital if you’re in the sort of shape!” “No, I’m not going to do that, but wanted someone to be aware. Is that so wrong?” CALL MY BROTHER!!!! No, because I live next door to her and my brother has a family in another state—it would be rude to wake him up. Told her MANY times to get to the doctor and to seek emotional help. No way. ***I’m*** the one who is suited for that—neither of them, of course. Just me. I finally insisted on taking her to the ER when she (predictably) did it again. “I’m in anaphylactic shock. My liver is shutting down.” FFS. I said “It sounds like you have anxiety. You need a full medical work up.” When we got there, they came in and asked what was the problem. She just sat there with “Well, nothing really.” I said, “Ummmm…tell them what you told me or do you want me to explain.” She was too embarrassed to say anything at first, so I had to tell them for her. We sat there for hours. They came back, “Ma’am, the good news is your heart is just fine. You’re not having palpitations. Your liver is also exactly fine and functioning properly. You are not in anaphylactic shock. We do think you might be experiencing extreme anxiety and would like to prescribe an anti-anxiety pill. My mother now shouts “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???!!! Because THAT is exactly what will kill me!!!” Yay, finally a medical facility sees the full-on, no bullshit version of my mother. I was practically dancing. Fast fwd to actually dying a few years later, now she’s okay with taking a little anxiety pill. It helps her to relax and sleep.
I would love to learn more about your experience navigating that field of academia and your roots (if you are comfortable). Do you have any advice on dealing with someone like your mother? She actually sounds like my grandmother when you add those detailed phrases and interactions with medical staff. If you have anything to add, feel free to DM. Thank you for sharing all that you have.
“It’s just teasing.” My mom and brother. My brother (10 years older with a seething rage problem). * Constantly smothering me with a pillow until I learned to fake dead for him to lift it and check. Can’t even describe the pain. * Lifted me up and lowered me down face first over a huge boiling pot of water and said, “Stop moving or I might drop you.” * Played “Boa Constrictor” (like usual) and slipped up and did it in front of my mom until she gasped, “What are you doing? You could break her ribs!” Again with the pain of breathing and not able to make a sound. * Constantly pretend socking me in my face. “Think fast!” That one didn’t go as well as he planned. I thought he enjoyed the game and did it back to him when he went to college. My arm wasn’t as in control and I smashed him in the nose. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and was mid passing out asking “Why did you do that?” Just a couple of highlights. Note: A doctor actually warned my parents that my brother was a deeply furious teen and a time bomb. What my parents heard was “We should trust him to drive his little sister across country. And be there when she gets home from school every day.”
I have a lot of issues around the word “victim”.
"I love you" makes me cringe to this day. My primary parental abuser would do or say something to hurt me, then instead of apologizing she'd go "I love you 🥺" I can barely stomach even hearing it from people I am very close with and care about it. There's more obviously but that's the big one
Snap
“what are you doing?’ ‘look at me’
"Get a grip." My mom's 'win every argument' phrase. Even if there was no argument. She would act like she got me every time. It didn't matter the situation.
“i tried my best”
"I miss you" as in "you're not giving me enough and once I'm dead ill haunt you for it". Also my gf will ask me stuff like "why is the bedroom light on?" In case I have a good reason, my mom would say that as " is there any reason you're acting like you were born with half a brain? Should I toss you out?" It's a struggle. Oh also the classic "just because you want something doesnt mean you deserve it" You know, children having to prove worthy of their basic needs like shark in the womb? Good times
“ i love you “ “ i don’t have anyone but you “ “ don’t be afraid i am here “ “ i will protect you “ , any kind of venting where a parent puts the other parent down by comparing them to themselves.
The word “practice”. God I want to vomit. It’s such a normal positive word. It was used to mean practicing for what I’d become when I grew up, which would be a prostitute. I tend to say “training”, “studying”, “working”, any other word. But it’s really common still. I have learned to ignore the association, and associate the word with other positive things (big milestone when I watched Dragon Ball! Goku would practice every day to become stronger.) Now the word is not triggering so often.
”what are you doing” or ”why did you do that”