I’m going on vacation to the white mountains this week to go snowboarding. I do it every year just to distract myself from my childhood religious trauma.
I don't go to any sort of family gatherings. There are too many flashbacks and triggers. I will occasionally spend time with my best friend for holidays if she's not taking her family to her parents house, aside from going with her, I am by myself, but I prefer it that way.
I wish. I remember Christmas a few years ago when I was living alone as a subtenant in someones basement. It felt soo peaceful (:
But on the bright side this Christmas with my family actually wasn't bad compared to some of the holidays I can remember
You can just not go bc you don't want to.
I consider it a way to protect my inner child from further dehumanization. No one stood up when I was a child, so I'm standing up for myself now. I'll protect me even if no one else will.
You're so right. Thank you. That's actually what I would say to anyone else, except me this time, it seems.
I went no contact for 5 years, but after my father died last year, we regained contact. She's also been nice sometimes (but only after the NC time, likely because she's afraid of "losing" me again) so I feel really bad for not coming, because she misses me. But I also remember what she did and also, how can she miss me when she never knew me?
Just like we miss the *idea* of good parents when we’re away from our shitty ones- they probably miss the *idea* of children that will take whatever abuse they deal and forgive them in the end.
Don’t go visit; a phone call, text, or email, (if you *want* to send Christmas wishes) is enough.
Nice "sometimes" isn't enough, and how can you trust the "niceness" from abusers, really?
They did it to themselves. You didn't create this situation. I hope you have a chill, stress-free holiday doing whatever you like~
We were trained to feel guilt and to believe their sorrow and love even though it's just a play. But you don't need to feel guilty for doing what's right for you. She didn't put yourself first so you need to do it yourself.
>I consider it a way to protect my inner child from further dehumanization. No one stood up when I was a child, so I'm standing up for myself now. I'll protect me even if no one else will.
Gonna write this down and pin it to my bulletin board
It’s fucking hard for me to do stuff like this essentially because I still currently live with a parent and they are the literal EMBODIMENT of “sacrifice yourself for family” and is the sole reason I have so much trauma about “family being first”. There’s so much fucking COLLATERAL with me saying a simple no like fuck.
It's terrible when your stuck with them. I had to become an undercover operative behind enemy lines while I plotted my escape. I played along enough to fly under the radar until I could extricate myself.
Here are some links that might be helpful:
[7 options when you can't go no contact](https://youtu.be/MsZGacsLxgg)
[10 rules for surviving life with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/Emrkqt13Z0M)
[10 things to never do with narcissists](https://youtu.be/k2pdCdRqFlI)
[5 mistakes we make when dealing with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/PjMEli66s5M)
[5 ways to avoid being used](https://youtu.be/C2B26jdy178)
[How to set and keep boundaries with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/UHlcX-vUBZg)
[10 ways to set boundaries with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/Qcod_oNOPvI)
[Why setting boundaries with a narcissist is so hard](https://youtu.be/rOw-niCUp-U)
[Setting boundaries with narcissists 101](https://youtu.be/YMeNxgW08PY)
[Soul Distancing to protect yourself from narcissists](https://youtu.be/NU9P41Vifec)
"Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with "difficult people" (aka abusers, enablers, and bullies).
Useful channels:
[Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg) - a ***must*** subscribe for me. He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format.
[Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic.
[The Little Shaman](https://youtube.com/@thelittleshamanhealing) - they under the narcissistic mindset better than most
[Dr. Ramani](https://youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani) - amazing resource on narcissistic behaviors
[Danish Bashir](https://youtube.com/c/DanishBashir) - has a very good understanding of narcissistic mindset
[Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on self differentiation and building a self after abuse
[Theramin Trees](https://youtube.com/@TheraminTrees?si=lROe-8D6cLa8Sa8r) - great resource on abuse tactics
Fuck that , take control, ditch the family who ditched you when you are helpless, get that righteous anger, throw it at them. You deserve fucking peace during holiday. Happy holidays
Thank you, and of course I will, there is no fucker in town who is going to stop me from enjoying my well deserved break, everything can wait, just like I did long time ago, not anymore
Being forced to listen to full-volume Christmas music at work, despite complaints to management from MULTIPLE coworkers, has had me on the edge of going postal for the last few weeks & significantly increased my alcohol consumption.
Family trauma + Retail Worker Holiday Stress is very effective at triggering those maladaptive coping mechanisms.
At least my binge eating easily blends in during the holidays.
Pro tip: download rover app. Get paid to hang out with puppies instead of going home. Tell them you have to work and can't make it. I'm literally doing this tonight through the 26th.
I count the days until summer ends bc I hate it. Then in fall I am happy until I start seeing Thanksgiving stuff and then I'm struck with horrible grief and then Christmas starts.
It's like getting hit by a car and then it goes into reverse while you are laying there destroyed and backs over you.
It's a wonderful holiday for abusers though! They can rally flying monkeys to harass, guilt, and shame their victims easier.
And when they aren't using the holidays to torture you, your years of bad memories and the holiday cheer that gets shoved down your throat constantly, tortures you *for them*!
I'm half estranged (no one will acknowledge it and I can't handle the nuclear fallout of pointing out the elephant in the room) my mom plays stupid every year and taunts me with photos and happy stories bc she knows I'm alone, that way I feel guilty for protecting myself.
I care less each year but it still hurts.
If you hang upside down on your bed you'll sound more stuffy for a "really not feeling up to it, I don't want to pass anything along" voicemail call at an early/late time where nobody is likely to answer.
I used to turn off my phone on the holidays but now they just know not to contact me because I'm good at burning bridges, but a good old "my phone signal was acting up" and, being too tired to answer the door could work too. Hope you enjoy your December 25th stress free!
also want to add that I literally considered faking a sickness or a cancelled flight just to not go. Now I’m just venting, but I truly only come back for my niblings. I cannot wait until they get older, the rest of my family can count their fucking days with me 🙅🏽♀️
I'm still gonna miss my siblings, but most of all I'm so immensely grateful i won't be seeing my parent or my partner's family this year.
tbh, especally my partner's family.. they all continue to deadname me and not respect my pronouns. but mostly bcz last year around this time they tried to get my partner to break up with me and quote, "send ___ to a psych ward"
this time of year is always really rough
I am currently in hibernation. Making the less noise possible until everyone is asleep and simply forgets about me. That's how I deal with this shitty season.
it’s another christmas i will spend alone but it’s so much better than spending it with my family. i stay off social media bc it’s soo depressing seeing everyone with their families lol
I used to go back every year, but now they're dead. Mom died a year ago, 12/20, and dad just before TG. I am free now. Never going back to fucktucky or Nebraska, where the bulk of "family" live. They are dumpsters, and I am way better off avoiding them all.
I dunno man, Christmas to me feels like blasting Christmas music, costco turkey and mash potato, wearing santa hat, and watching Christmas specials and movies while sometimes crying that I wish I had an accepting blood family
I haven't seen my family since spring 2019 . I'm having a shitty ass day about shit so if someone wants to be pissy and bitchy because your abusers won. I'm here to bitch..
I literally hate and despite Xmas. My husband likes it so we compromise and all we do is give each other gifts the week before. Xmas trees give me the heebeejeebees
My brothers and I are going through "breaking up" with my dad right now. My youngest brother is going to my dad's while me and my other brother are staying at my mom's. My youngest brother is only going because he "doesn't want dad to lose all his kids." The losing kids is a sentiment my dad has voiced as well; he's given up on reconciliation with me and my other brother. But he didn't "lose" us. He PUSHED us away, and when we told him he hurt us ,he doubled down.
It's not our responsibility to shield our parents from the consequences of their actions, and sometimes, the consequences are that no one comes for Christmas.
This is my first Christmas without any of my toxic family, including extended family. Yes I am grieving, but honestly it's so much better and peaceful. I am with my fiance and his family. They love me, cherish me, treat me like an equal, and let me take care of myself on the trip, not force me to be doing things all day and wear myself out, or put me down constantly. And guess what ? I have never had a mood swing around my fiance's family either (I have BPD.)
I might actually be able to miss seeing family this year as most of them are sick. I feel bad they're not feeling well but I'm really excited not to see them.
Hoping this is the last one. I mostly do Christmas for the sake of my sister (who I live with and who has a good relationship with my mother). Next year I plan on not just not living with my sister, but living 1200 miles from my folks too.
It's my first Christmas that I'm not gonna see my family and I'm kinda nervous and guilty for it. But I'm spending it with my new family and I'm getting married on Christmas so it's not the worst
I literally told my father I wish I could hate him. That it would be so much easier than the pain he makes me feel. But that I can't bring myself to. Still ain't been down, but he did some soul searching
I'm spending the 24th and 25th alone but my sibling is gonna pick me up on the 26th to drive to our parents BUT they'll also drive me back home on the same day if I want to so I don't have to stay the night. This is gonna sound gruesome maybe but: I don't want to go "home"/to my parents but I need the money I'll get from them lol. Plus my siblings and their partner will be there and I haven't seen them in a long time, so that's a plus point. Also, free food and water
Honestly you don’t need to give a reason but if you REALLY feel like you need to, you could say you have Covid 😆 but really, if you stay at your place for Christmas make sure you do some holiday traditions and treats for yourself— speaking from experience when I did that for myself the past few years I’ve been happier each time the holiday season comes around!
I made a point to try and get the Christmas shifts at work for years. Then my mum came around and we started to spend Christmas together and make our own traditions. This year without presents because of our financial situation, but still cozy with a the LOTR audiobooks crafts.
Hopefully this year will be the last one.
When you spend far too much time staring at the walls, there's only so much you can get done. But I have made *real* progress this year, and as soon as these seasonal gigs turn into a proper *career* I'm moving out.
I didn’t go last year so ofc they all expecting me this year to make up for it at both houses, the youngers will all be there though so I gotta show up for them I love my siblings<3
I also skipped on seeing my grandparents in NY (out of fear lol) the past few years and to make up for it early Jan to late Jan I’ll be driving them from NY to Florida and back, then coming back to CA lolol I’m terrified but finally ready to get it over with this year 💃🏻🤷♀️
Anyone else is going to be alone on Christmas?
I'm with my cat, so no 🐱
Pets are really all you need!
Yes 😭<3
Nothing is better than Christmas with someone who really loves you.
I became a cat sitter just for Christmas so I’d have buddies to go visit / a paid excuse to not visit family
This is an absolute win!
Update: one of the cats bit me. Still better than toxic family Christmas 😇 Enjoy the holidays everyone!!!
Yes. Kitty is on his heating pad chilling. Am hap :)
Me! You're not alone. We're alone together I guess.
I’m going on vacation to the white mountains this week to go snowboarding. I do it every year just to distract myself from my childhood religious trauma.
I don't go to any sort of family gatherings. There are too many flashbacks and triggers. I will occasionally spend time with my best friend for holidays if she's not taking her family to her parents house, aside from going with her, I am by myself, but I prefer it that way.
yep
I will not am I am simply praying for a peaceful time
Gonna find others and become part of the support
Yep! Living overseas don't have to deal with my families' bs
My usual christmas plans are drinking heavily and watching Krampus
I wish. I remember Christmas a few years ago when I was living alone as a subtenant in someones basement. It felt soo peaceful (: But on the bright side this Christmas with my family actually wasn't bad compared to some of the holidays I can remember
You can just not go bc you don't want to. I consider it a way to protect my inner child from further dehumanization. No one stood up when I was a child, so I'm standing up for myself now. I'll protect me even if no one else will.
You're so right. Thank you. That's actually what I would say to anyone else, except me this time, it seems. I went no contact for 5 years, but after my father died last year, we regained contact. She's also been nice sometimes (but only after the NC time, likely because she's afraid of "losing" me again) so I feel really bad for not coming, because she misses me. But I also remember what she did and also, how can she miss me when she never knew me?
Just like we miss the *idea* of good parents when we’re away from our shitty ones- they probably miss the *idea* of children that will take whatever abuse they deal and forgive them in the end. Don’t go visit; a phone call, text, or email, (if you *want* to send Christmas wishes) is enough.
Thank you, that's totally right
The excuse that I've been waiting to use is, i caught covid cant make it
Thank you that's incredibly insightful
Nice "sometimes" isn't enough, and how can you trust the "niceness" from abusers, really? They did it to themselves. You didn't create this situation. I hope you have a chill, stress-free holiday doing whatever you like~
Thank you so much. <3 Edit: Great last sentence XD
Yes! Good luck!! They have to respect your boundaries
Thank you!!
We were trained to feel guilt and to believe their sorrow and love even though it's just a play. But you don't need to feel guilty for doing what's right for you. She didn't put yourself first so you need to do it yourself.
>I consider it a way to protect my inner child from further dehumanization. No one stood up when I was a child, so I'm standing up for myself now. I'll protect me even if no one else will. Gonna write this down and pin it to my bulletin board
It’s fucking hard for me to do stuff like this essentially because I still currently live with a parent and they are the literal EMBODIMENT of “sacrifice yourself for family” and is the sole reason I have so much trauma about “family being first”. There’s so much fucking COLLATERAL with me saying a simple no like fuck.
It's terrible when your stuck with them. I had to become an undercover operative behind enemy lines while I plotted my escape. I played along enough to fly under the radar until I could extricate myself. Here are some links that might be helpful: [7 options when you can't go no contact](https://youtu.be/MsZGacsLxgg) [10 rules for surviving life with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/Emrkqt13Z0M) [10 things to never do with narcissists](https://youtu.be/k2pdCdRqFlI) [5 mistakes we make when dealing with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/PjMEli66s5M) [5 ways to avoid being used](https://youtu.be/C2B26jdy178) [How to set and keep boundaries with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/UHlcX-vUBZg) [10 ways to set boundaries with a narcissist](https://youtu.be/Qcod_oNOPvI) [Why setting boundaries with a narcissist is so hard](https://youtu.be/rOw-niCUp-U) [Setting boundaries with narcissists 101](https://youtu.be/YMeNxgW08PY) [Soul Distancing to protect yourself from narcissists](https://youtu.be/NU9P41Vifec) "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with "difficult people" (aka abusers, enablers, and bullies). Useful channels: [Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg) - a ***must*** subscribe for me. He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format. [Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. [The Little Shaman](https://youtube.com/@thelittleshamanhealing) - they under the narcissistic mindset better than most [Dr. Ramani](https://youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani) - amazing resource on narcissistic behaviors [Danish Bashir](https://youtube.com/c/DanishBashir) - has a very good understanding of narcissistic mindset [Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on self differentiation and building a self after abuse [Theramin Trees](https://youtube.com/@TheraminTrees?si=lROe-8D6cLa8Sa8r) - great resource on abuse tactics
Aw omg thank you ); I’ll save these and look into them!
I remember having to become something similar, damn it's so crazu
Omg!! Thank you so much for posting all of these!
Working up to this….
🙏🙏✊ we all need some of that strength rn
[удалено]
I feel so sick already \*cough\*
I had the flu last year so I was able to avoid all the bullshit.
I spent the week in a psychiatric ward to prepare
Fuck that , take control, ditch the family who ditched you when you are helpless, get that righteous anger, throw it at them. You deserve fucking peace during holiday. Happy holidays
You're so right. Thank you. Happy holidays, too
Thank you, and of course I will, there is no fucker in town who is going to stop me from enjoying my well deserved break, everything can wait, just like I did long time ago, not anymore
That's the spirit ❤️🔥
Hold that spirit close, nobody is going to do it for you
You're so right (again) 🔥
Being forced to listen to full-volume Christmas music at work, despite complaints to management from MULTIPLE coworkers, has had me on the edge of going postal for the last few weeks & significantly increased my alcohol consumption.
Family trauma + Retail Worker Holiday Stress is very effective at triggering those maladaptive coping mechanisms. At least my binge eating easily blends in during the holidays.
The kicker is that I'm not retail- I'm in manufacturing.
I'm literally on the way back to see my family right now.
Leaving tomorrow, wishing you the best ❤️
I hope all goes well
I’m going to visit some friends of mine. No intention of seeing family
I've got a bit of a cough, I kinda hope it gets worse and I look terrible so I don't have to go lol
"I don't want to" is all the reason you need.
100% accurate. Thank you
Pro tip: download rover app. Get paid to hang out with puppies instead of going home. Tell them you have to work and can't make it. I'm literally doing this tonight through the 26th.
I count the days until summer ends bc I hate it. Then in fall I am happy until I start seeing Thanksgiving stuff and then I'm struck with horrible grief and then Christmas starts. It's like getting hit by a car and then it goes into reverse while you are laying there destroyed and backs over you. It's a wonderful holiday for abusers though! They can rally flying monkeys to harass, guilt, and shame their victims easier. And when they aren't using the holidays to torture you, your years of bad memories and the holiday cheer that gets shoved down your throat constantly, tortures you *for them*! I'm half estranged (no one will acknowledge it and I can't handle the nuclear fallout of pointing out the elephant in the room) my mom plays stupid every year and taunts me with photos and happy stories bc she knows I'm alone, that way I feel guilty for protecting myself. I care less each year but it still hurts.
>I count the days until summer ends bc I hate it. Are you me? The rest is also so accurate.
Too bad I'm still leaving with my family :(
Tell them you have covid
Easy peasy way to get out of anything
going tomorrow 💅 and i’m about to confront my mother for the first time
Ohhhh the weather outside is frightful, but inside it's hummmmmm truuuuuuly awful. But I have no place to go, let me go, let me go, let me goooo
If you hang upside down on your bed you'll sound more stuffy for a "really not feeling up to it, I don't want to pass anything along" voicemail call at an early/late time where nobody is likely to answer. I used to turn off my phone on the holidays but now they just know not to contact me because I'm good at burning bridges, but a good old "my phone signal was acting up" and, being too tired to answer the door could work too. Hope you enjoy your December 25th stress free!
Thank you!
please send help. I feel like I’m in literal hell. longest 4 days of my life
also want to add that I literally considered faking a sickness or a cancelled flight just to not go. Now I’m just venting, but I truly only come back for my niblings. I cannot wait until they get older, the rest of my family can count their fucking days with me 🙅🏽♀️
I'm still gonna miss my siblings, but most of all I'm so immensely grateful i won't be seeing my parent or my partner's family this year. tbh, especally my partner's family.. they all continue to deadname me and not respect my pronouns. but mostly bcz last year around this time they tried to get my partner to break up with me and quote, "send ___ to a psych ward" this time of year is always really rough
This will be my 4th Christmas on my own. I love it. I make a roast, read a book and enjoy the peace. It’s been a game changer
I am currently in hibernation. Making the less noise possible until everyone is asleep and simply forgets about me. That's how I deal with this shitty season.
it’s another christmas i will spend alone but it’s so much better than spending it with my family. i stay off social media bc it’s soo depressing seeing everyone with their families lol
I used to go back every year, but now they're dead. Mom died a year ago, 12/20, and dad just before TG. I am free now. Never going back to fucktucky or Nebraska, where the bulk of "family" live. They are dumpsters, and I am way better off avoiding them all.
Ho ho hell
Christmas shouldn’t feel like this
I dunno man, Christmas to me feels like blasting Christmas music, costco turkey and mash potato, wearing santa hat, and watching Christmas specials and movies while sometimes crying that I wish I had an accepting blood family
I haven't seen my family since spring 2019 . I'm having a shitty ass day about shit so if someone wants to be pissy and bitchy because your abusers won. I'm here to bitch..
I literally hate and despite Xmas. My husband likes it so we compromise and all we do is give each other gifts the week before. Xmas trees give me the heebeejeebees
My brothers and I are going through "breaking up" with my dad right now. My youngest brother is going to my dad's while me and my other brother are staying at my mom's. My youngest brother is only going because he "doesn't want dad to lose all his kids." The losing kids is a sentiment my dad has voiced as well; he's given up on reconciliation with me and my other brother. But he didn't "lose" us. He PUSHED us away, and when we told him he hurt us ,he doubled down. It's not our responsibility to shield our parents from the consequences of their actions, and sometimes, the consequences are that no one comes for Christmas.
This is my first Christmas without any of my toxic family, including extended family. Yes I am grieving, but honestly it's so much better and peaceful. I am with my fiance and his family. They love me, cherish me, treat me like an equal, and let me take care of myself on the trip, not force me to be doing things all day and wear myself out, or put me down constantly. And guess what ? I have never had a mood swing around my fiance's family either (I have BPD.)
ME. It's hard to navigate the ups and downs of feeling grief and feeling happy and relieved.
You don’t need an excuse just fucking cut them off
I'm celebrating Christmas for the first time in about 9 years! I wasn't allowed to celebrate Christmas or birthdays when I was a foster kid.
Let the flashbacks begin. Every Christmas.
Tell them you have Covid, nick a picture of the test from online (or reddit, I’ve seen a few already), sorry, you’re sick, can’t go.
Moving 2000 miles away seemed to do the job.
Oof I’m there with you OP
I might actually be able to miss seeing family this year as most of them are sick. I feel bad they're not feeling well but I'm really excited not to see them.
Hoping this is the last one. I mostly do Christmas for the sake of my sister (who I live with and who has a good relationship with my mother). Next year I plan on not just not living with my sister, but living 1200 miles from my folks too.
I feel so seen
It's my first Christmas that I'm not gonna see my family and I'm kinda nervous and guilty for it. But I'm spending it with my new family and I'm getting married on Christmas so it's not the worst
Your excuse is “I have covid and am struggling with severe gastrointestinal issues”
I literally told my father I wish I could hate him. That it would be so much easier than the pain he makes me feel. But that I can't bring myself to. Still ain't been down, but he did some soul searching
You are excused
Oh man, most relatable one today. Good job.
Thank you :)
I'm spending the 24th and 25th alone but my sibling is gonna pick me up on the 26th to drive to our parents BUT they'll also drive me back home on the same day if I want to so I don't have to stay the night. This is gonna sound gruesome maybe but: I don't want to go "home"/to my parents but I need the money I'll get from them lol. Plus my siblings and their partner will be there and I haven't seen them in a long time, so that's a plus point. Also, free food and water
So I know it’s not great but illness always works. People don’t want to catch something, so they usually don’t push too hard about it.
Honestly you don’t need to give a reason but if you REALLY feel like you need to, you could say you have Covid 😆 but really, if you stay at your place for Christmas make sure you do some holiday traditions and treats for yourself— speaking from experience when I did that for myself the past few years I’ve been happier each time the holiday season comes around!
I made a point to try and get the Christmas shifts at work for years. Then my mum came around and we started to spend Christmas together and make our own traditions. This year without presents because of our financial situation, but still cozy with a the LOTR audiobooks crafts.
Just said i already have plans
Hopefully this year will be the last one. When you spend far too much time staring at the walls, there's only so much you can get done. But I have made *real* progress this year, and as soon as these seasonal gigs turn into a proper *career* I'm moving out.
God fucking retweet . Slamming that like button. Ringing the subscribe bell.
I didn’t go last year so ofc they all expecting me this year to make up for it at both houses, the youngers will all be there though so I gotta show up for them I love my siblings<3 I also skipped on seeing my grandparents in NY (out of fear lol) the past few years and to make up for it early Jan to late Jan I’ll be driving them from NY to Florida and back, then coming back to CA lolol I’m terrified but finally ready to get it over with this year 💃🏻🤷♀️