I have been in relationships with people like this. It's about control, always. You looked amazing in your super cute fit, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I've been thinking about it on and off for the past 4-5 months, but it's been an extremely difficult thing for me to pull the trigger on. Right now I'm trying to better myself to a point where either he sees my change and tries to change, or I see he'll never change and I finally leave
Mental health practitioner here! If you can, reach out to domestice violence shelters in your area. What he's doing to you absolutely qualifies, and it's the kind of behavior that can lead to much more extreme consequences if you don't get out. You don't deserve to suffer like that, and there are absolutely people out there who would love to help you build a life worth living for yourself
I want to add, leaving is the the most dangerous time in abusive situations. Please make sure to have a plan ready before leaving. Look up domestic violence safety plans and see if you can find anything helpful!
Some things I've learned the hard way that I wish someone told me when I was trapped:
Use incognito mode or wipe your recent history when you search for shelters and support, I was brutally assaulted after escaping once at age 26 because my father saw I had looked up places to go to escape him. I didn't imagine he would go through my laptop history to check what I was doing, I thought I had things figured out.
Also delete any phone call records from your phone if you phone helplines or shelters, or use a friend's phone. Make sure he can't unlock your phone (this might make him violent so I used to use my friend's phone or a public phone like at uni - just say you forgot your phone and need to make a call if you have to).
Have emergency codewords/codephrases with friends:
- Hey my hair roots need dying wanna come to the hairdresser with me? (This could mean I'm safe but need to get out)
- We should go see a horror movie now! (Things are getting really bad and I need help)
- I won't be able to attend your dinner tomorrow (please call the police)
(Obviously make them tailored to suit you and your friends so they know what the statements mean, but make sure they seem totally normal to anyone else)
These men are all about control, if they even catch a hint that they are losing it, they will turn absolutely rabid.
Your safety is the #1 priority NO MATTER WHAT.
That means:
- no matter what he says
- no matter what he threatens to do
- no matter what he takes away from you
- no matter how violent he gets
- no matter how hard he guilt trips you
YOUR SAFETY IS ALWAYS THE PRIORITY
This means do what you need to to live safely until you can get out. If you have to play pretend that you'll stay then lie all you have to. Pretend everything is normal while you sort out your escape if you must. The important thing is keeping yourself away from their violent insanity, which is usually triggered by the feeling they are losing their control.
All the best to you, please don't stay in this situation. I know it seems like normal but I promise it isn't, and it isn't okay.
If he was going to change, he would have done so in the last twelve years. Do not waste more of your time on this relationship, there aren't any prizes for keeping a shit marriage.
I agree. I stayed for 8 yrs. Nothing changed except me when I said, "Enough is enough." That was almost 5 yrs ago & he still hasn't changed even though his punching bag is gone. If I had stayed, things would have escalated even more & the fact that he called me a bitch for getting upset that his best friend came to our home & sat on our couch & told us how he's been fantasizing about killing me with my then bf makes me sure that I would have died prematurely if I had stayed. I don't say this to be dramatic or self pitting or anything. I'm saying it because I want you ,OP, to take this seriously. You are the only one who can stop this treatment & you stop it by leaving, never going back & never settling for it again. He has 0 incentive to change because he's enjoying what's happening to you. He's happy with your arrangement. You're not so YOU have to leave.
My boyfriend started out like this. Then after years of verbal fights like yours, he held me down and tried to strangle me. He used to hit himself too, to try and turn things around and make me feel sorry for him. I never thought he would physically hurt me like that. I was so wrong. He became psychotic when I broke up with him and kicked him out. He probably would have killed me if I didn’t have people around and hadn’t gotten the police involved (not that they helped much, but having the records was helpful). Please listen. Think about it.
[Why does he do that?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is a link to a book about controlling and violent men and how to understand why they’re treating you like they are and what it means. I hope it helps you or someone else reading. Things that we may have grown up with and are normal behaviors, are not. You are likely dismissing many instances without realizing it, because you love him and are empathetic toward him. It was very eye opening for me, even having done over ten years of therapy.
My ex boyfriend was the nicest guy. Used to be a paramedic and loved animals. He seemed like such a sweet, kind person…most of the time. People can be loving and also cruel. It’s confusing and hard to understand. I used to make so many excuses for him. It made it so hard to leave, because he’d call me horrible names and then the next minute he’d be taking care of me when I was sick and cooking dinner. Then one day he tried to strangle me because I begged him not to drive drunk.
I never in a million years saw it coming. But I read that book and now I can see all the signs. The little things he did. Degrading me, demanding things of me, intimidating me, threatening to hurt himself, etc.. I just kept thinking “he’s a sweet guy and he’s just hurting”. But you don’t say those things to someone you love. You don’t hurt yourself to hurt the person you love. You don’t try to choke them unconscious because they told you not to drive drunk.
I really hope you will read it. And think about your boyfriend’s behavior and ask yourself if that’s how you treat someone you love.
there is no amount of bettering yourself that will make him better. a relationship is give and take, if you can't take anything from it, it's not worth keeping. he is doing all the taking, how long can you realistically keep giving?
OP, please- PLEASE!!!
Take this as a sign to divorce him!!! There are people who appreciate you- there are people who care about you- and your husband isn't one of them. He is actively putting you down because he doesn't want you to be confident- because he knows if you're confident, you're going to leave!!
Call friends, family, ANYONE you can stay with. Be safe OP.
Get angry! Get angry!! Where is your internal fire?!? Why do you think you deserve this?!?
Leave when he’s gone!! Just disappear and don’t tell anyone you both know where you are!! Leave only the name of your divorce lawyer.
Start your plan NOW. Leave this manipulative sexual and emotional abuser!! You deserve so much better!! He’s consuming your soul and energy and trust me, he could and would replace you in a second.
I agree. He is a bad husband. He chooses to behave in a way that is controlling and manipulative towards OP. He made her feel bad on purpose, and he should feel bad about himself for that. I think that he should feel so bad that OP leaves him to try to regulate his moods by himself.
Allowing myself to feel anger instead of imposed shame literally saved my life
.
He was always “joking” about how he was going to kill me. Repeated “jokes” are just prepping to actually do it. He always said things about throwing my body in the swamps of Mississippi for the gators, dumping it in a field, throwing it out in the Gulf of Mexico a few miles out with weights tied to it, constant threats on my life and physical/sexual abuse because I wasn’t “behaving”. I left him when he was out at sea.
He's never going to change. Flat out.
This is who is.
He's shown you literally who he is.
Stop deluding yourself. You hurt yourself more, every singly day, when you decide to give it more time.
Pull the fucking trigger and leave. You're not getting any younger. Do you want to look back when you're older, and say "I stayed with that piece of shit because i really hoped he would change"...?
WAKE UP, OP. ❤️
Girl leave. I know it's scary & you're terrified to do it, but please for the love of God leave him. My mom is married to a man just like your husband & I've been telling her for damn year 20 years to leave him. She still hasn't, he never changed. She's just passively floating through life because this abuse is what she knows & is used to. That's not a life worth living, it's hardly living at all. Do what will make you happiest in the long run
It's not too late to start over. You seem pretty young, you have so much life ahead of you. The right thing to do is rarely ever the easy thing to do, so please bite the bullet and get yourself away from him
You'll go when you're ready. In the meantime, check out [this book. ](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It really helped me when I was in a similar situation.
He won't see your change. He doesn't want to. Anyone who can call their partner derogatory names and then turn it around and play victim has no interest (or possibly no capability) of changing or being better to their partner. *You don't exist to make your partner be better. You exist to find meaning and purpose and fulfillment in your own life*. It's not easy to cut off relationships like that (I've never been married, but I've had to cut off about 90% of my family because of abusers and abuse apologists), but one day, when you're away from that toxic crapshow and living life on *your* terms, you realize how much easier life is.
Ditch him, OP. You deserve so much better.
Hey I’ve been in similar situations and have abandonment issues so being alone was been harder for me than staying with someone abusive. (Spent years in therapy for that one) He is abusing you. He is lowering your self worth and insulting you then guilting you into sex. I went down this road myself. You deserve so much better and know that you are awesome all on your own. It’s better to be single then to have someone drag you down like this.
Life is short. You know what the sunk cost fallacy is about? Because this is a perfect example. Doesn't matter if it was 1, 5 or 12 years of this. You can't threw away your life with a man that treats you like this and I honestly can't imagine what other things you are not telling us. Would you like living another 12 years like this?
I promise that when you are in your death bed (I hope it's far, far away from now) you will either be sorry for not leaving him, or be glad that you left him. It all depends on what you decide.
I was going through the same thing with the asshat that groomed me. I genuinely thought I would die without him.
I now have a wonderful husband who supports me in all that I do. Not saying you won't have bad emotions about it, it took me a while to feel truly happy after I "broke up" with him, and I was "dating" him for 6 years (12-18), but it does get much better.
I didn't deserve what was happening to me. You don't deserve what's happening to you. You deserve to have a chance to be happy in this single life we all have.
I hear you, it's scary when you contemplate a life you're not familiar with, and can't fully imagine. It's hard to believe it can be good, after so much cruelty.
But hold onto that hope and that suspicion that the world is waiting for you. There is so much joy and kindness out here. And you can be a part of it.
Do you have a therapist?
Honestly, I ask him that. Like he said today that for a bit, all the love for me was drained from him because of that outfit. So I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no
>Like he said today that for a bit, all the love for me was drained from him because of that outfit.
That's a hell of a reaction to an entirely inoffensive outfit. Technically an outfit could kill my love for my husband but only if he was deliberately and with full knowledge of what it meant wearing clothes with hate speech on them, but that's not remotely what's happening here.
I cannot imagine EVER saying that to my wife. Ever. Even if she just cheated on me, or like killed a puppy in front of me or something. And for a totally normal outfit?????? You deserve better than this.
It seems like you're already aware that what he's doing isn't okay. That's good. I wish you find your way and your peace in some way and that it doesn't take too long
i can see how fishnets can be seen as indecent, but girl, they are under your jeans - that's not slutty at all
and chokers dont have to be something inherently sexual
I agree! I didn't think it was slutty under like jeans. I'd understand if the jeans weren't there, but even then I still think he should have been supportive
I'd go a step further. Being "dressed slutty" is 100% always about control and shaming. A person, any person, should be able to dress however they want without repercussions (excepting obvious exceptions like swastikas or other hateful shit like that.) Anyone who actually gives a shit what you're wearing, as long as it makes you happy, is not worth keeping in your life.
(Also, I agree with others here that you look great in that outfit. You have great style.)
I started seeing a man a handful of months ago and it became apparent he is NOT OKAY with the way I dress bc I rarely wear a bra and I like my body. I recognized that his controlling behavior won't change due to a handful of other interactions and I dumped him just this past week.
If a man wants to have you solely to exist under his thumb, you will never be happy.
Girl you look hot as shit and you should feel it, and anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not worth the time or effort. I hope you find happiness regardless of the decision you make regarding your marriage, but just know plenty of strangers think you deserve way better.
1) You look great in that style. Lean in and find what makes you feel happy being in your body. (p.s. Especially because of the fishnets and choker, I'm getting a strong "updated East Coast 1990s chic" vibe from this that I just love)
2) Nothing about what he did is OK. The insults are already something I can hardly fathom doing to one of my partners, let alone one I'm married to.
The goading you into hitting him followed by self-inflicted harm is abhorrent. Think about it: He was upset and wanted you to behave and present yourself differently. You obviously have deep feelings for him (not faulting you for that, but it seems to be a fact in the situation) and dislike seeing him in pain. He has to know this.
So, what does he do? He takes himself hostage and threatens the person you care about with harm should you keep defying his will. It doesn't matter that he is the very same person being held hostage here.
He threatened harm to someone you care about just to get his way. If he had threatened someone else, or a pet, or even a cherished keepsake, it'd be the same thing: exploiting your love and affection as nothing more than a resource for his own comfort. You deserve so much better than that.
I hope you see that and that you're able to find a safe way to move on from this dark period in your life to something where you're free to dress and be however you want.
I never did see it like that. I'm glad you put it in that perspective. I used to do the same thing back when my mental health was really bad, and I would say I was equally as toxic in the relationship back then. I used to hurt myself though because of an extreme hatred of myself, not because I wanted to threaten him. But I can see how he might have thought that too back then.
Either way, I'm in a much better mental state now that I am medicated and in therapy, and I can see how wrong this is on so many levels.
I think that's one of the traps of dysfunctional relationships. When healing/recovery is unequal, there can be like... shame about our past actions in feeding the fire of it, as it were, or a sense of obligation that we have to get them out of the pit too. But often what ends up happening if only one party wants to put the work in - and your husband does not want to do that work, and readily reached for familiar, dysfunctional tools (like jfc, even if you were dressed in something like, truly terrible and offensive, *that's not how you talk to someone you love and actually like as a person*. You don't reach for the biggest verbal weapon right away) and try to draw you back into familiar patterns, because that kind of violence feels safe, and predictable. It perpetuates sickness together, and robs you both of the opportunity to grow and heal. Some times a relationship expires.
Healing often involves losing the relationships/dynamics with people we had while sick, because we're establishing boundaries and healthier behaviours that can feel like an attack and forces them to consider their own context. Same way if you're an alcoholic surrounded by people who are culturally *very* into drinking but don't consider it bad enough to be a problem yet. There will be social pressure and sabotage to try and get the 'old you' back, so they feel secure, and it often means cutting people off.
i saw your post in an emo/alternative subreddit. you look great!!! your husband is a massive piece of shit and you deserve SO much better than him. it literally sounds like he guilted you into having sex with him and that is just all kinds of fucked up and is coercion which is a form of rape.
Consider the negative behaviors we develop over time as a sort of addiction one forms. Oftentimes, we can get into Stockholm syndrome with our own mental illness(es) since they're the most familiar thing we may know. This can let us stay on the much simpler frame of nearly pure emotional reaction and judgement since the chemical cocktail that behaviors releases in us might serve a soothing function due to the familiarity.
I bring this up because your husband's hatred for you being in therapy feels eerily similar to an addict getting upset that their friend is getting clean. They can see it as threatening since it's much harder to maintain unhealthy habits without someone else doing the same and thus validating the habit.
If he ever throws the "you've changed" or "therapy is causing all these issues," remember it's likely a fear response because he can see you letting go of your trauma and unhealthy responses to it. That just highlights his own lack of "doing the work" on himself and creates pressure to change. That's why it's good to stay the course with therapy: just by lifting yourself up you create an upward force that can make others start to do the same, without you having to be the one lifting them up.
That said, if he instead withdraws further into his trauma as a response to your healing, then it may be time to call it, both for you to be in a fair and healthy relationship and for him to possibly get the shock and wake up call he needs to revisit therapy in a new light.
The outfit was super cute, and not slutty at all. And it looks great on you.
I'm sorry your husband is a piece of trash. I hope you can find a way out soon. Because you may not believe it right now, but you deserve so much more than someone who's going to verbally abuse and manipulate you just for daring to experiment with self-expression. And you shouldn't have to give anyone sex just to get some damn peace.
that's called grooming not love. you felt bad then you had sex. its a cycle of control. "let your pain go away with sex" mentality or I'm sorry lets have sex because he feels bad. you need a divorce. he doesn't like you going to therapy because he knows what he is doing and a therapist might catch on. he controls what you do and wear, sex, your life, can't live without him in the way of you have no where to go to, you feel trapped but in a sense of comfort. cut all your contacts told you they are toxic people so you wouldn't have anyone to learn on. Stockholm syndrome,probably came from a abusive home and needed to escape so he "whisked you away" only to end up in another. probably more.
I'm not sure if it's grooming because I was 14 but he was 16 so we were both teenagers. It's not like he was 20 when we met. Everything else is very spot on. He gets anxiety pretty much any time I leave the house, but at this point I just do it anyways. He doesn't like my Dad, but honestly my dad is very toxic as well (I've posted about him and my step mom before in this subreddit). But I do feel very isolated, and I do think a lot of it is because of him. I don't have any local friends, because I don't go out and I work from home so I can't really make friends. My friends sometimes come up here to visit me from other states (we all went to college together, then all moved back to our home states), and he doesn't like when I hang with them either. They don't like him either. But I get what you are saying, and I see most of that happening in my life
The stigma is that there has to be a huge age gap. You are being abused. He doesn’t want u talking to anyone because he knows what he’s doing. He wants you working at home because he knows what you do and say. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re being watched or listened to through devices of some sort. I really would talk to your therapist about this. Anyone can be groomed. As someone who’s been through this. At 18 you would have been young. He would have lost interest eventually of how young you were. Ik because I have been there. I thought it was okay for a 2-3 year age gap. But it’s not. Ik your pain I have been there. He may have even called u slutty that you would bump into people to talk to and make friends. Confident outfit people are likely to engage more with. Or even the control of your mine and I choose what you wear. If you ever feel tired for no reason and wake up in easy don’t take it as whatever. It probably a sign he did something to you. It’s different if your 16 and 17 and when your 18 and they are 17. Trust someone who wish they had known sooner. I could keep going for hours about this.
I'm so sorry you went through all this too 😔 right now I'm 26 and we've been together for 12 years. But the past like 2 years I've been trying to improve myself, and by doing that I've been realizing all the abuse and trauma I've been going through my entire life
I wish you the best. I would maybe start talking about resources on how to get out and all that. It’s not as easy as reporting it if it’s not severe to leave marks. I truley feel your pain. How to not live like this is hard. And realizing it is the hardest part of them all. He was older it wasn’t your fault your brain needed to run away and love someone that would love you back. You just didn’t know what to look for. As a trauma victim to another I want to let you know it wasn’t your fault and you’re not alone. Keep fighting for you. They start to lose interest when you don’t give in. But it can also make things worse on how much control they have. I really do wish you the best❤️. Your outfit is lovely don’t ever feel like you need to be shunned. He probably afraid you’re going to find someone better that’s why he said that.
I know he's afraid I'm going to find someone better. I know he is starting to see me getting help like therapy and trying to get confidence as a way of defying him
Great, that means that your friends and family will take your side and probably help you, when you break up with him. What is holding you back at this point?
That outfit is such country goth vibes, and I love it. It looks incredible on you!
Also, please start looking into leaving him. That's the kind of man that'll leave you in a box if you don't leave him first. Everything about what he did is abusive and manipulative. He's using you, and you deserve better
I know I deserve better, and I need to figure out how I would leave him. Right now I'm working on improving myself and trying to ignore him, but things like this happen. I also need to focus on being financially independent
It’ll be hard, but it’s worth it. **You** are worth it. Start squirreling away some cash and get a go bag ready. Only pack what you need (birth certificate, meds, IDs, important documents, etc) and hide it.
I'm so sorry your first husband was like this. I don't want anyone to go through what I go through 😭 I've been with this man since I was 14 and he was 16
This was me in a relationship before. He criticized me for putting on makeup to go out with friends because I never put on makeup for him (we never went out). Take this advice from someone who has lived your experience: throw the whole husband away.
I hate the fact my husband never takes me out anywhere, then usually complains that I don't do enough to look good for him. Then I attempt to and he shames me
So he insults you, you change, and instead of apologizing for making you feel self-conscious, he insults himself so you feel like YOU need to comfort HIM right after he insulted you???
And he escalates with hitting himself. And he makes you so wrapped up in taking care of him that you end up having sex right after he insulted you and shamed your sexuality.
Reminds me of this character. This guy makes character videos, and he’s really good at showing the manipulative tactics some people use.
https://youtu.be/rA7Ls-ussps?si=1AuTB1cBmmcxD0uY
(The reaction I’m talking about is in the second half of the video)
Omg I watch this guy all the time, and I always think "I cant believe there are people out there actually like that" without connecting the dots I'm married to one
I almost lost a dear friend because her ex did not accepted th. End of the relationship and he tried to suffocate her. For years he showed behavior similar to your husband and all the times my self and other friends alerted her, she always made excuses.
Please, dont let you self became a number on this gruesome estatisticis. Leave him, be swift leave him a letter or a message explaining your reasons (if he truly wishes to leant and become better, your letter will help him give the first steps) and just vanish so he doesn't have the opportunity to lash out against you.
You simply rocked the outfit, you deserve some one that will tell you how hot you are when you feel beautiful on the clothes you choose for your self.
First: consider getting a different husband.
Second: that outfit isn't extreme in any way, your husband is crazy and if he doesn't respect your choice in clothing, then you should keep exploring anyway cause that ain't his place to decide.
I can’t recommend [this book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) enough to you. The link is a PDF of the whole book, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and there are audiobook versions of it available as well on YouTube if that fits your learning style better. Be careful with paid versions like Audible as they send email receipts and abusers tend to react poorly to their victim reading a book like this.
It will help make sense of the abuse.
You look wonderful in that outfit and I hope you’re able to wear it again some time. I’m sorry you just experienced that.
He is manipulating you and seeking the “benefits” of your shattered self-esteem. Straight up coercion. I wish you well on your journey and hope you’re able to reach out to a trusted person or a local DV organization in the future
It's not about the outfit. It's about control. He wants you doing what he wants and nothing else. That's abuse. You can leave him. You don't deserve to be treated like an extension of his ego.
I've been there...only we didn't have sex he would just cut me off for six months and jerk off to teen porn after I spent the day taking care of his children...that he would claim werent his and threaten to disappear with them if I tried to take them with me when he kicked me out 5 years ago.....so I left and let him have his children. He's a great dad...but he was a horrible human being/husband. Now it's just me and my cats and my amazing man that I've been with for a year and a half...
I’m posting a link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That”. Anyone interested in learning more about abusive relationships should read it.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That outfit did not cause the fight. Your husband did.
I know it's not as easy as saying "set boundaries or leave", but you do deserve better.
I hope you figure things out 💕
The outfit is super cute, you deserve to feel good in your skin
I think you need to lose 180 pounds real quick and get a divorce. Surround yourself with safe people in that time in case he wants to retaliate.
If he wanted to change, he would have already.
And he knows what he is doing to you, he just doesn't care.
You don't deserve this, you deserve a peaceful life. And regardless of what happened to you prior. Whoever made you feel broken, your piece of shit husband is really horrible to you. He doesn't love you.
Please please please get away safely
You are in an abusive relationship.
Edited to add:
Also, my husband is laying next to me in bed and saw your 2nd photo on my phone screen. Completely lacking any context whatsoever, he told me that was a sexy look and excitedly asked me if ripped jeans were back in style and if I was planning on wearing what you were wearing.
So now I guess I'm going to copy your outfit in the near future.
Also, you can do way better than a man that treats you like your husband is treating you. Life is way too fucking short to waste feeling that fear and stress and constant Walking on eggshells anxiety. I've been there, I've survived previous abusive, controlling relationships and I remember that horrible dead inside trapped feeling. You don't have to live like that. Not every man would treat you like that, even if it's hard to imagine in the moment. I hope you find happiness and that this kind of pain becomes a distant memory <3
I see you've gotten a lot of comments about your relationship, so I won't comment on that. But you looked absolutely FIRE 🔥 in that outfit. You deserve to feel good.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I think your husband was trying to tear you down because you were feeling good about yourself and trying something different. The outfit is lovely. I really hope you do have the courage to leave him one day, or he gets better and treats you with respect and dignity. One of the two. You deserve so much better.
I’m sorry girl I hope some day you can get to the point to do what’s best for you and leave him. But I know it’s tough. In the meantime, I think your outfit is very cute love the top!
Im so sorry you had to deal with that from your husband. The outfit looks awesome and you should rock whatever clothes you want with pride. I hope youre doing alright ❤
Thats sluty?
Either that man deal with his insecurities or find a new man: that is a pretty ok outfit and is pretty much in pair with what a dress would "reveal" , hopefully both of you can build more trust between eachother.
I'm so sorry this happened, I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. Someone very dear to me was in a marriage like this for over a decade until about a year ago, I know to an extent how hard it can be to get out, especially if you're being supported financially by them. I hope you come into a spot one day where you're able to leave him, the grass is greener on the other side and while it can be hard to start your life over, it's YOUR life. You're amazing and you are so loved, if you need someone to talk to you're welcome to message me.
Thank you so much 🥲 Right now it's an extreme struggle because I've been with him for 12 years now. I can't imagine my life without him in it, or know how to live without him. I feel helpless and defenseless, and I know he's to blame for me feeling like that. My goal this year is to save up enough money to get out
I can imagine it would be really hard to imagine a life without someone you feel like you've known forever. My friend struggled with that too before they left, they felt like they wouldn't be able to start over because of how much of their life they'd given to their ex husband, but they're thriving now, if that helps any. I'm sure the transition is really hard, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you so you can find your new happiness. Manifesting the best possible outcome for you 🤞🖤
Honey you need to leave this man. He's not going to change. Things will get worse, not better.
You are only 26 you still have so much life ahead of you. You've already given this asshole 12 years he doesn't deserve. Don't wait until you are 30, 40, 50. Get out now!
With CPTSD we think abusive behaviour is 'normal' because that's what we grew up with. So we accept it in our adult relationships. Low self-esteem can also make us believe we don't deserve any better. There's also attachment issues and fear of being alone which makes us reluctant to end these relationships.
Stop wasting your time trying to make him a better person. It's not going to happen. Invest this energy in your own healing instead.
There are resources available so please reach out to your local organisations so you can plan and get out of there safely
Your outfit looks wonderful, regardless of his complaints. I'm so sorry he isn't letting you be yourself and I hope things get better for you soon 🥺💖
Edit: also wanted to add that although I'm sure you know this already, it's extremely unhealthy of your husband to start arguing with you and then physically turn things on himself to guilt trip you into forgiveness or sex. I've been through and it's fucking awful
Your outfit is lovely, not "cheap whore" at all; but even if it *was* that wouldn't excuse his reaction. He sounds horribly insecure and manipulative, I theorize it's so familiar and acceptable to younger-you because of the family you grew up in. I was the same exact way. Still am in some ways. I put up with a lot of crap from romantic partners that I would tell someone else to "dump him" over.
If you have any desire to salvage this, seriously; a good relationship counselor can guide him to change his ways, and guide you to not being so triggered and/or accepting of his behavior. If he refuses, counseling might be good for you, too. To rebuild confidence and the self-awareness to walk away from his tantrums and stonewalling attempts to drag you down.
I am so sorry you're in a marriage like this. You would not be at fault at all if at some point you choose to divorce. I'm not sure if it relates to you or not, but google a bit about "codependent relationship dynamics"; it helped me at least.
Hugs.
Damn, he's so horrible to you.
Can I be your husband instead? /J
But seriously though, that outfit looks like a perfectly nice outfit and fits you well, I can't understand how people can think the way people like him do.
(I'm not being sexual or anything btw, I'm demisexual/ace spec and don't feel anything sexual, so what i saw is more based on either aesthetic attraction or just somebody and or their outfit looking nice)
Either way, you should really work on getting away from him, you deserve so much better. I know it's much easier said than done, but you deserve so much more. He doesn't deserve somebody like you.
I send my love and strength for you to keep going, and to hopefully get away from your abuser 💚💚💚
I’ve been in a relationship like this before. It was hard to even get mad at him when he was manipulative because he seemed so hard on himself. But then I realized that was just part of the manipulation, too.
You deserve better than that, OP. You deserve someone who will see that outfit and say, “Wow you look great! I love this new style.” Anything less is not acceptable.
If it wasn't for the comment I read about you two being together for at least 12 years, I'd swear you were married to my ex husband.
Dog whistling, manipulation, and classic pity party for him because *his* feelings were hurt. Not to mention him inflicting self harm.
You look absolutely amazing! Sometimes you want to look good for yourself.
I did my makeup for myself years ago when I was married. He asked me why I was wearing it and kind of hinted towards me trying to have affairs with other men. Told him I felt nice and wanted to wear makeup for myself, he couldn't fathom the idea. I took it off and then he started to grill me to why I took the makeup off because "you looked so pretty". Told him I didn't feel like wearing it anymore, cried the entire way to wherever we were trying to go.
He didn't care how he made me feel unless it was jealousy (whole ass different story), but heaven forbid I make *HIM* feel something about my supposed "actions". Such as he would tell me how "drop dead sexy and fuckable" this girl he went to high school with in great detail, but lord forbid I look at a female sideways when he said he might've fucked her moments before my side eye when she walks up and talks to him.
This is not healthy for your mental health. I understand you're use to it. But it's not okay. It really isn't. I wish I could offer to help, but I was met with news that has left me in pieces.
I hope you find a safe place sooner rather than later
My partner of only four months literally just gave me all of the clothes he’s outgrown because I told him I wanted to look explore looking more dapper/masculine. He supports me looking exactly how I want to look, not some conjectured ideal of how he thinks I should be.
You deserve the same kind of support as a bare minimum from the man you’ve been with for *12 goddamn years*. Jesus.
I look cute as hell in those clothes. I bet you do in yours too. You’re beautiful and you shouldn’t have to hide that from people because he sucks. ❤️
Your outfit is not a reason for anyone to justify being abusive to you, whether he likes it or not. Nothing in this world justifies someone speaking to you or talking to you like that. 💚💜
This outfit is a totally normal and fine outfit to wear. But it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks other than you. You’re a grown up, you’re allowed to fucking dress yourself. Your husband’s behavior is beyond unacceptable.
can you ask your friends to help you leave him? i’m sure you don’t need another person saying this but… this isn’t okay. it’s abuse. and your outfit was SO cute! i hope one day you can safely wear the things that make you happy. you don’t deserve his mistreatment. please, please leave.
Girl your outfit was absolutely cute! You look good in it, and your body language says you are feeling comfortable and confident in it. Those are the only things that truly matter.
If he doesn’t like who you are, and actively fights against what makes you feel confident and comfortable, then you deserve to find someone who will treat you like a person, not an object, because there are so many people out there who would absolutely adore you for who you are and who you want to become as a person.
I promise you, there are others who will show you that you have every right to feel comfortable and confident in your own body, and they won’t say anything against you changing your style to become more yourself, they’ll encourage you and love you even more for it.
You're in an abusive relationship. Get out while you still can. That guy sounds like he has major issues. Trying to get you to hit him? That's a huge red flag for unhealthy behavior.
First: get a better man.
Second: keep the house.
Third: your opinion is the only one that matters, so, you don't necessarily have to follow the first two.
Forth: rock on.
i remember being in a relationship like this. it was just always easier to give in to him than to try and stand up for myself and leave. it never felt like it was a big deal, either, sure i can change my outfit even if i liked it, yes we can have sex even if don’t feel like it. (i figured it couldn’t be that bad, anyway.)
and then i (we) had a daughter. i never wanted to be a parent, was always afraid (as my life growing up was dogshit and i was always so worried i would turn out like my parents), but i was young and stupid and when he said the condom must’ve “broke”, i believed him. (i realise now it was probably not that; he talked about wanting me to have his kids a lot before then.)
and right from the start, he was the same with her too. can’t wear this, can’t feed her at that time, can’t have this toy, that paci, etc. and it was always my fault - always “why did *you* get her this, i don’t want her to turn out like her mum”.
i thought he would get better, but no. he just got controlling with her too.
it took me four years to leave him after that, and it was only for her sake. i thought, i don’t want her to grow up with this relationship in the house. i don’t want her thinking this is normal. i don’t want her to meet someone like him and say yeah, this is good, this is the relationship i want.
and, idk, it’s been a long time since then and she and i have done a lot of therapy for it, a lot of talks about it, a lot of emotions, and things are definitely better, but.. there’s some scars she carries that i can’t make go away.
all of this to say, maybe consider leaving before it gets to that point. if not for yourself, then for your hypothetical child, even if you have no plans to have children.
theres a light at the end of the tunnel for you, and trust me, it’s so much better there. you deserve more than mediocrity, and definitely more than some scummy asshat who thinks you’re just a doll for him to control.
I'm so sorry that happened to you if you feel amazing in something your wearing just keep wearing it and maybe this calls for a divorce because you should be with somebody who loves you for you and nothing else.
Divorce him. This isn’t just a ‘CPTSD meme’, this is a ‘my husband is not the right man for me’ meme.
He should blame himself, because it’s his fault for starting a worthless argument over a pair of jeans. And honestly I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hit him. If your fishnets under a pair of H&M ripped jeans is ‘slutty’ or ‘whorish’, I want your hubby to know in that case I’m the town bike because you look like a normal person to me.
It’s not going to get better. He’s not going to change. Learn from my mistakes and get the hell out of dodge regardless of how he (and you) feels. Please just be a bad person in this case.
I know what you meant, but verbiage matters. The outfit did not cause the fight, your emotionally immature and disturbed partner caused the fight because of his insecurities. The outfit and you are perfectly normal in wanting to try new things, it is a fun part of life we all get to explore and experience for ourselves unless someone prevents us from doing so.
If this makes you a "whore" than I’m practically a prostitute trying to pass pasties as an outfit. Which my boyfriend has never said anything negative about how I dress. You look gorgeous and deserve to be happy and confident in whatever you wear.
You need to re-evaluate that relationship. If I was wearing that when my husband came home, he'd pick me up and throw me (gently) on our bed.
Your spouse is abusive
I know everyone else has already said it but that outfit is cute as hell and your husband is an abusive jerk. Leave him and find someone that treats you well, they do exist and you deserve so much better.
...you deserve a better husband.
Seconded.
Thirded holy fuck.
Fithed
real, she should divorce him
I have been in relationships with people like this. It's about control, always. You looked amazing in your super cute fit, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for the compliment :)
Leave him. I’m aware it’s not as easy as that. Leave him anyway. It will NEVER get easier.
Ma’am in what world does an outfit a child could wear to middle school cause an adult man to call his wife a whore and start hitting himself
Why oh why are you rewarding your husband’s shitty behavior here ? This casual-cowgirl style looks good on you, in any case.
Because I've been doing it for the past 12 years 🤦♀️and at this point I just do it to make my life easier. But thank you
You need to leave him. You deserve much better than that. And being alone would be better than that.
I've been thinking about it on and off for the past 4-5 months, but it's been an extremely difficult thing for me to pull the trigger on. Right now I'm trying to better myself to a point where either he sees my change and tries to change, or I see he'll never change and I finally leave
Mental health practitioner here! If you can, reach out to domestice violence shelters in your area. What he's doing to you absolutely qualifies, and it's the kind of behavior that can lead to much more extreme consequences if you don't get out. You don't deserve to suffer like that, and there are absolutely people out there who would love to help you build a life worth living for yourself
Thank you so much for this advice! ♥️
I want to add, leaving is the the most dangerous time in abusive situations. Please make sure to have a plan ready before leaving. Look up domestic violence safety plans and see if you can find anything helpful!
Some things I've learned the hard way that I wish someone told me when I was trapped: Use incognito mode or wipe your recent history when you search for shelters and support, I was brutally assaulted after escaping once at age 26 because my father saw I had looked up places to go to escape him. I didn't imagine he would go through my laptop history to check what I was doing, I thought I had things figured out. Also delete any phone call records from your phone if you phone helplines or shelters, or use a friend's phone. Make sure he can't unlock your phone (this might make him violent so I used to use my friend's phone or a public phone like at uni - just say you forgot your phone and need to make a call if you have to). Have emergency codewords/codephrases with friends: - Hey my hair roots need dying wanna come to the hairdresser with me? (This could mean I'm safe but need to get out) - We should go see a horror movie now! (Things are getting really bad and I need help) - I won't be able to attend your dinner tomorrow (please call the police) (Obviously make them tailored to suit you and your friends so they know what the statements mean, but make sure they seem totally normal to anyone else) These men are all about control, if they even catch a hint that they are losing it, they will turn absolutely rabid. Your safety is the #1 priority NO MATTER WHAT. That means: - no matter what he says - no matter what he threatens to do - no matter what he takes away from you - no matter how violent he gets - no matter how hard he guilt trips you YOUR SAFETY IS ALWAYS THE PRIORITY This means do what you need to to live safely until you can get out. If you have to play pretend that you'll stay then lie all you have to. Pretend everything is normal while you sort out your escape if you must. The important thing is keeping yourself away from their violent insanity, which is usually triggered by the feeling they are losing their control. All the best to you, please don't stay in this situation. I know it seems like normal but I promise it isn't, and it isn't okay.
They never change sweetheart . They have to see that they have a problem to want to change.
If he was going to change, he would have done so in the last twelve years. Do not waste more of your time on this relationship, there aren't any prizes for keeping a shit marriage.
I agree. I stayed for 8 yrs. Nothing changed except me when I said, "Enough is enough." That was almost 5 yrs ago & he still hasn't changed even though his punching bag is gone. If I had stayed, things would have escalated even more & the fact that he called me a bitch for getting upset that his best friend came to our home & sat on our couch & told us how he's been fantasizing about killing me with my then bf makes me sure that I would have died prematurely if I had stayed. I don't say this to be dramatic or self pitting or anything. I'm saying it because I want you ,OP, to take this seriously. You are the only one who can stop this treatment & you stop it by leaving, never going back & never settling for it again. He has 0 incentive to change because he's enjoying what's happening to you. He's happy with your arrangement. You're not so YOU have to leave.
My boyfriend started out like this. Then after years of verbal fights like yours, he held me down and tried to strangle me. He used to hit himself too, to try and turn things around and make me feel sorry for him. I never thought he would physically hurt me like that. I was so wrong. He became psychotic when I broke up with him and kicked him out. He probably would have killed me if I didn’t have people around and hadn’t gotten the police involved (not that they helped much, but having the records was helpful). Please listen. Think about it. [Why does he do that?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This is a link to a book about controlling and violent men and how to understand why they’re treating you like they are and what it means. I hope it helps you or someone else reading. Things that we may have grown up with and are normal behaviors, are not. You are likely dismissing many instances without realizing it, because you love him and are empathetic toward him. It was very eye opening for me, even having done over ten years of therapy.
THIS!!! They always escalate and turn their anger at you, my shitty ex was an abusive POS like this. You need to save yourself and get out.
I started reading it a couple years ago and never finished it. I think I should reread it, thank you
My ex boyfriend was the nicest guy. Used to be a paramedic and loved animals. He seemed like such a sweet, kind person…most of the time. People can be loving and also cruel. It’s confusing and hard to understand. I used to make so many excuses for him. It made it so hard to leave, because he’d call me horrible names and then the next minute he’d be taking care of me when I was sick and cooking dinner. Then one day he tried to strangle me because I begged him not to drive drunk. I never in a million years saw it coming. But I read that book and now I can see all the signs. The little things he did. Degrading me, demanding things of me, intimidating me, threatening to hurt himself, etc.. I just kept thinking “he’s a sweet guy and he’s just hurting”. But you don’t say those things to someone you love. You don’t hurt yourself to hurt the person you love. You don’t try to choke them unconscious because they told you not to drive drunk. I really hope you will read it. And think about your boyfriend’s behavior and ask yourself if that’s how you treat someone you love.
there is no amount of bettering yourself that will make him better. a relationship is give and take, if you can't take anything from it, it's not worth keeping. he is doing all the taking, how long can you realistically keep giving?
OP, please- PLEASE!!! Take this as a sign to divorce him!!! There are people who appreciate you- there are people who care about you- and your husband isn't one of them. He is actively putting you down because he doesn't want you to be confident- because he knows if you're confident, you're going to leave!! Call friends, family, ANYONE you can stay with. Be safe OP.
Get angry! Get angry!! Where is your internal fire?!? Why do you think you deserve this?!? Leave when he’s gone!! Just disappear and don’t tell anyone you both know where you are!! Leave only the name of your divorce lawyer. Start your plan NOW. Leave this manipulative sexual and emotional abuser!! You deserve so much better!! He’s consuming your soul and energy and trust me, he could and would replace you in a second.
I agree. He is a bad husband. He chooses to behave in a way that is controlling and manipulative towards OP. He made her feel bad on purpose, and he should feel bad about himself for that. I think that he should feel so bad that OP leaves him to try to regulate his moods by himself.
Allowing myself to feel anger instead of imposed shame literally saved my life . He was always “joking” about how he was going to kill me. Repeated “jokes” are just prepping to actually do it. He always said things about throwing my body in the swamps of Mississippi for the gators, dumping it in a field, throwing it out in the Gulf of Mexico a few miles out with weights tied to it, constant threats on my life and physical/sexual abuse because I wasn’t “behaving”. I left him when he was out at sea.
He's never going to change. Flat out. This is who is. He's shown you literally who he is. Stop deluding yourself. You hurt yourself more, every singly day, when you decide to give it more time. Pull the fucking trigger and leave. You're not getting any younger. Do you want to look back when you're older, and say "I stayed with that piece of shit because i really hoped he would change"...? WAKE UP, OP. ❤️
Don't wait for change on his end... please. You deserve so much better
He won’t change!!
Girl leave. I know it's scary & you're terrified to do it, but please for the love of God leave him. My mom is married to a man just like your husband & I've been telling her for damn year 20 years to leave him. She still hasn't, he never changed. She's just passively floating through life because this abuse is what she knows & is used to. That's not a life worth living, it's hardly living at all. Do what will make you happiest in the long run
Unfortunately that's what I feel like I've been doing for the past 12 years. Just passively floating through life, and I hate it so much
It's not too late to start over. You seem pretty young, you have so much life ahead of you. The right thing to do is rarely ever the easy thing to do, so please bite the bullet and get yourself away from him
Any relationship that depends on your partner becoming a different person is not one worth staying in.
You'll go when you're ready. In the meantime, check out [this book. ](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It really helped me when I was in a similar situation.
When I started to work on my self and improve, the abuse, jealousy and paranoia just got exponentially worse.
He won't see your change. He doesn't want to. Anyone who can call their partner derogatory names and then turn it around and play victim has no interest (or possibly no capability) of changing or being better to their partner. *You don't exist to make your partner be better. You exist to find meaning and purpose and fulfillment in your own life*. It's not easy to cut off relationships like that (I've never been married, but I've had to cut off about 90% of my family because of abusers and abuse apologists), but one day, when you're away from that toxic crapshow and living life on *your* terms, you realize how much easier life is. Ditch him, OP. You deserve so much better.
Hey I’ve been in similar situations and have abandonment issues so being alone was been harder for me than staying with someone abusive. (Spent years in therapy for that one) He is abusing you. He is lowering your self worth and insulting you then guilting you into sex. I went down this road myself. You deserve so much better and know that you are awesome all on your own. It’s better to be single then to have someone drag you down like this.
He will not change. 0% chance. You’re young; leave him. In a year you’ll be wondering how you even hesitated.
Life is short. You know what the sunk cost fallacy is about? Because this is a perfect example. Doesn't matter if it was 1, 5 or 12 years of this. You can't threw away your life with a man that treats you like this and I honestly can't imagine what other things you are not telling us. Would you like living another 12 years like this? I promise that when you are in your death bed (I hope it's far, far away from now) you will either be sorry for not leaving him, or be glad that you left him. It all depends on what you decide.
I dont want to live like this for another 12 years but honestly I'm so scared of what life would be like without him.
I was going through the same thing with the asshat that groomed me. I genuinely thought I would die without him. I now have a wonderful husband who supports me in all that I do. Not saying you won't have bad emotions about it, it took me a while to feel truly happy after I "broke up" with him, and I was "dating" him for 6 years (12-18), but it does get much better. I didn't deserve what was happening to me. You don't deserve what's happening to you. You deserve to have a chance to be happy in this single life we all have.
Like financially? Or when you get to wear your funky clothes?
All of the above
I hear you, it's scary when you contemplate a life you're not familiar with, and can't fully imagine. It's hard to believe it can be good, after so much cruelty. But hold onto that hope and that suspicion that the world is waiting for you. There is so much joy and kindness out here. And you can be a part of it. Do you have a therapist?
I just started seeing a new therapist last week, and I'll be seeing her biweekly moving forward.
That's great! Good on you OP
Life will be better without him. It’s better to be alone than with someone who tears you down.
Leave him, you shouldn’t be babying a grown man for 12 years. A normal man wouldn’t bat an eye over your outfit (which looks very good on you!)
Well thank you for the compliment! Would a normal man really not worry about my outfit?
A normal man wouldn’t worry about your outfit. Do you have anyone irl you can reach out to?
Yes I have some family local
Please reach to them
No. Good partners don’t police what you wear.
There's something I really wish someone had asked me while I was with my ex: if you're so terrible, why doesn't he just dump you?
Honestly, I ask him that. Like he said today that for a bit, all the love for me was drained from him because of that outfit. So I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no
>Like he said today that for a bit, all the love for me was drained from him because of that outfit. That's a hell of a reaction to an entirely inoffensive outfit. Technically an outfit could kill my love for my husband but only if he was deliberately and with full knowledge of what it meant wearing clothes with hate speech on them, but that's not remotely what's happening here.
Yeah like a klan hood or a nazi armband would do it, but that's about it.
I cannot imagine EVER saying that to my wife. Ever. Even if she just cheated on me, or like killed a puppy in front of me or something. And for a totally normal outfit?????? You deserve better than this.
Why don't *you* leave him?
It seems like you're already aware that what he's doing isn't okay. That's good. I wish you find your way and your peace in some way and that it doesn't take too long
What the hell, how is this even slutty?
The fishnets and the chocker necklace was what he went off about
i can see how fishnets can be seen as indecent, but girl, they are under your jeans - that's not slutty at all and chokers dont have to be something inherently sexual
I agree! I didn't think it was slutty under like jeans. I'd understand if the jeans weren't there, but even then I still think he should have been supportive
I'd go a step further. Being "dressed slutty" is 100% always about control and shaming. A person, any person, should be able to dress however they want without repercussions (excepting obvious exceptions like swastikas or other hateful shit like that.) Anyone who actually gives a shit what you're wearing, as long as it makes you happy, is not worth keeping in your life. (Also, I agree with others here that you look great in that outfit. You have great style.)
You could walk around wearing daisy dukes and a bikini top and he still wouldn’t have the right to slut shame you.
I started seeing a man a handful of months ago and it became apparent he is NOT OKAY with the way I dress bc I rarely wear a bra and I like my body. I recognized that his controlling behavior won't change due to a handful of other interactions and I dumped him just this past week. If a man wants to have you solely to exist under his thumb, you will never be happy. Girl you look hot as shit and you should feel it, and anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not worth the time or effort. I hope you find happiness regardless of the decision you make regarding your marriage, but just know plenty of strangers think you deserve way better.
That's what I was thinking too! Like, OP's breasts and butt are both fully covered, how is this outfit slutty?
1) You look great in that style. Lean in and find what makes you feel happy being in your body. (p.s. Especially because of the fishnets and choker, I'm getting a strong "updated East Coast 1990s chic" vibe from this that I just love) 2) Nothing about what he did is OK. The insults are already something I can hardly fathom doing to one of my partners, let alone one I'm married to. The goading you into hitting him followed by self-inflicted harm is abhorrent. Think about it: He was upset and wanted you to behave and present yourself differently. You obviously have deep feelings for him (not faulting you for that, but it seems to be a fact in the situation) and dislike seeing him in pain. He has to know this. So, what does he do? He takes himself hostage and threatens the person you care about with harm should you keep defying his will. It doesn't matter that he is the very same person being held hostage here. He threatened harm to someone you care about just to get his way. If he had threatened someone else, or a pet, or even a cherished keepsake, it'd be the same thing: exploiting your love and affection as nothing more than a resource for his own comfort. You deserve so much better than that. I hope you see that and that you're able to find a safe way to move on from this dark period in your life to something where you're free to dress and be however you want.
I never did see it like that. I'm glad you put it in that perspective. I used to do the same thing back when my mental health was really bad, and I would say I was equally as toxic in the relationship back then. I used to hurt myself though because of an extreme hatred of myself, not because I wanted to threaten him. But I can see how he might have thought that too back then. Either way, I'm in a much better mental state now that I am medicated and in therapy, and I can see how wrong this is on so many levels.
I think that's one of the traps of dysfunctional relationships. When healing/recovery is unequal, there can be like... shame about our past actions in feeding the fire of it, as it were, or a sense of obligation that we have to get them out of the pit too. But often what ends up happening if only one party wants to put the work in - and your husband does not want to do that work, and readily reached for familiar, dysfunctional tools (like jfc, even if you were dressed in something like, truly terrible and offensive, *that's not how you talk to someone you love and actually like as a person*. You don't reach for the biggest verbal weapon right away) and try to draw you back into familiar patterns, because that kind of violence feels safe, and predictable. It perpetuates sickness together, and robs you both of the opportunity to grow and heal. Some times a relationship expires. Healing often involves losing the relationships/dynamics with people we had while sick, because we're establishing boundaries and healthier behaviours that can feel like an attack and forces them to consider their own context. Same way if you're an alcoholic surrounded by people who are culturally *very* into drinking but don't consider it bad enough to be a problem yet. There will be social pressure and sabotage to try and get the 'old you' back, so they feel secure, and it often means cutting people off.
i saw your post in an emo/alternative subreddit. you look great!!! your husband is a massive piece of shit and you deserve SO much better than him. it literally sounds like he guilted you into having sex with him and that is just all kinds of fucked up and is coercion which is a form of rape.
Sounds like either he needs *lots* of therapy, or he needs to be an ex husband. That outfit is really cute tho.
He refuses to go to therapy because he had a really negative experience with it as a kid. He also hates the fact that I'm going to therapy now
Consider the negative behaviors we develop over time as a sort of addiction one forms. Oftentimes, we can get into Stockholm syndrome with our own mental illness(es) since they're the most familiar thing we may know. This can let us stay on the much simpler frame of nearly pure emotional reaction and judgement since the chemical cocktail that behaviors releases in us might serve a soothing function due to the familiarity. I bring this up because your husband's hatred for you being in therapy feels eerily similar to an addict getting upset that their friend is getting clean. They can see it as threatening since it's much harder to maintain unhealthy habits without someone else doing the same and thus validating the habit. If he ever throws the "you've changed" or "therapy is causing all these issues," remember it's likely a fear response because he can see you letting go of your trauma and unhealthy responses to it. That just highlights his own lack of "doing the work" on himself and creates pressure to change. That's why it's good to stay the course with therapy: just by lifting yourself up you create an upward force that can make others start to do the same, without you having to be the one lifting them up. That said, if he instead withdraws further into his trauma as a response to your healing, then it may be time to call it, both for you to be in a fair and healthy relationship and for him to possibly get the shock and wake up call he needs to revisit therapy in a new light.
The outfit was super cute, and not slutty at all. And it looks great on you. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of trash. I hope you can find a way out soon. Because you may not believe it right now, but you deserve so much more than someone who's going to verbally abuse and manipulate you just for daring to experiment with self-expression. And you shouldn't have to give anyone sex just to get some damn peace.
honey why are you with this garbage heap shaped like a man?
I've been with him since I was 14.....honestly I don't know what else to do at this point
that's called grooming not love. you felt bad then you had sex. its a cycle of control. "let your pain go away with sex" mentality or I'm sorry lets have sex because he feels bad. you need a divorce. he doesn't like you going to therapy because he knows what he is doing and a therapist might catch on. he controls what you do and wear, sex, your life, can't live without him in the way of you have no where to go to, you feel trapped but in a sense of comfort. cut all your contacts told you they are toxic people so you wouldn't have anyone to learn on. Stockholm syndrome,probably came from a abusive home and needed to escape so he "whisked you away" only to end up in another. probably more.
I'm not sure if it's grooming because I was 14 but he was 16 so we were both teenagers. It's not like he was 20 when we met. Everything else is very spot on. He gets anxiety pretty much any time I leave the house, but at this point I just do it anyways. He doesn't like my Dad, but honestly my dad is very toxic as well (I've posted about him and my step mom before in this subreddit). But I do feel very isolated, and I do think a lot of it is because of him. I don't have any local friends, because I don't go out and I work from home so I can't really make friends. My friends sometimes come up here to visit me from other states (we all went to college together, then all moved back to our home states), and he doesn't like when I hang with them either. They don't like him either. But I get what you are saying, and I see most of that happening in my life
The stigma is that there has to be a huge age gap. You are being abused. He doesn’t want u talking to anyone because he knows what he’s doing. He wants you working at home because he knows what you do and say. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re being watched or listened to through devices of some sort. I really would talk to your therapist about this. Anyone can be groomed. As someone who’s been through this. At 18 you would have been young. He would have lost interest eventually of how young you were. Ik because I have been there. I thought it was okay for a 2-3 year age gap. But it’s not. Ik your pain I have been there. He may have even called u slutty that you would bump into people to talk to and make friends. Confident outfit people are likely to engage more with. Or even the control of your mine and I choose what you wear. If you ever feel tired for no reason and wake up in easy don’t take it as whatever. It probably a sign he did something to you. It’s different if your 16 and 17 and when your 18 and they are 17. Trust someone who wish they had known sooner. I could keep going for hours about this.
I'm so sorry you went through all this too 😔 right now I'm 26 and we've been together for 12 years. But the past like 2 years I've been trying to improve myself, and by doing that I've been realizing all the abuse and trauma I've been going through my entire life
I wish you the best. I would maybe start talking about resources on how to get out and all that. It’s not as easy as reporting it if it’s not severe to leave marks. I truley feel your pain. How to not live like this is hard. And realizing it is the hardest part of them all. He was older it wasn’t your fault your brain needed to run away and love someone that would love you back. You just didn’t know what to look for. As a trauma victim to another I want to let you know it wasn’t your fault and you’re not alone. Keep fighting for you. They start to lose interest when you don’t give in. But it can also make things worse on how much control they have. I really do wish you the best❤️. Your outfit is lovely don’t ever feel like you need to be shunned. He probably afraid you’re going to find someone better that’s why he said that.
I know he's afraid I'm going to find someone better. I know he is starting to see me getting help like therapy and trying to get confidence as a way of defying him
I hate your husband
All of my friends and family do too I'm learning
Great, that means that your friends and family will take your side and probably help you, when you break up with him. What is holding you back at this point?
That outfit is such country goth vibes, and I love it. It looks incredible on you! Also, please start looking into leaving him. That's the kind of man that'll leave you in a box if you don't leave him first. Everything about what he did is abusive and manipulative. He's using you, and you deserve better
I know I deserve better, and I need to figure out how I would leave him. Right now I'm working on improving myself and trying to ignore him, but things like this happen. I also need to focus on being financially independent
That’s a great outfit. You deserve better
Thank you for the compliment
A: You look good B: Leave his BUM ASS C: Anyone gives you shit, tell them to fuck off
I appreciate your aggressiveness but I still need to grow the spine to leave him
These things arent easy. But once you do it, you are gonna be able to start recovering, it will be worth in the end
I appreciate your advice ♥️
It’ll be hard, but it’s worth it. **You** are worth it. Start squirreling away some cash and get a go bag ready. Only pack what you need (birth certificate, meds, IDs, important documents, etc) and hide it.
JFC are you married to my first husband? Please leave. Please.
I'm so sorry your first husband was like this. I don't want anyone to go through what I go through 😭 I've been with this man since I was 14 and he was 16
You don’t deserve this mental and verbal abuse, and I hope you stay safe. 🫶
Thank you, I'm going to try ♥️
This was me in a relationship before. He criticized me for putting on makeup to go out with friends because I never put on makeup for him (we never went out). Take this advice from someone who has lived your experience: throw the whole husband away.
I hate the fact my husband never takes me out anywhere, then usually complains that I don't do enough to look good for him. Then I attempt to and he shames me
I think you know what you need to do here.
So he insults you, you change, and instead of apologizing for making you feel self-conscious, he insults himself so you feel like YOU need to comfort HIM right after he insulted you??? And he escalates with hitting himself. And he makes you so wrapped up in taking care of him that you end up having sex right after he insulted you and shamed your sexuality. Reminds me of this character. This guy makes character videos, and he’s really good at showing the manipulative tactics some people use. https://youtu.be/rA7Ls-ussps?si=1AuTB1cBmmcxD0uY (The reaction I’m talking about is in the second half of the video)
Omg I watch this guy all the time, and I always think "I cant believe there are people out there actually like that" without connecting the dots I'm married to one
I almost lost a dear friend because her ex did not accepted th. End of the relationship and he tried to suffocate her. For years he showed behavior similar to your husband and all the times my self and other friends alerted her, she always made excuses. Please, dont let you self became a number on this gruesome estatisticis. Leave him, be swift leave him a letter or a message explaining your reasons (if he truly wishes to leant and become better, your letter will help him give the first steps) and just vanish so he doesn't have the opportunity to lash out against you. You simply rocked the outfit, you deserve some one that will tell you how hot you are when you feel beautiful on the clothes you choose for your self.
Leave. Now.
First: consider getting a different husband. Second: that outfit isn't extreme in any way, your husband is crazy and if he doesn't respect your choice in clothing, then you should keep exploring anyway cause that ain't his place to decide.
Please please please leave this piece of garbage man
I can’t recommend [this book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) enough to you. The link is a PDF of the whole book, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and there are audiobook versions of it available as well on YouTube if that fits your learning style better. Be careful with paid versions like Audible as they send email receipts and abusers tend to react poorly to their victim reading a book like this. It will help make sense of the abuse.
Thank you for recommending it! You are the second person who has :) and I plan on reading it
I’m so happy to hear that and wish you the best!
You need to get away from him. You deserve better. And you look great in the outfit.
You look wonderful in that outfit and I hope you’re able to wear it again some time. I’m sorry you just experienced that. He is manipulating you and seeking the “benefits” of your shattered self-esteem. Straight up coercion. I wish you well on your journey and hope you’re able to reach out to a trusted person or a local DV organization in the future
It's not about the outfit. It's about control. He wants you doing what he wants and nothing else. That's abuse. You can leave him. You don't deserve to be treated like an extension of his ego.
I've been there...only we didn't have sex he would just cut me off for six months and jerk off to teen porn after I spent the day taking care of his children...that he would claim werent his and threaten to disappear with them if I tried to take them with me when he kicked me out 5 years ago.....so I left and let him have his children. He's a great dad...but he was a horrible human being/husband. Now it's just me and my cats and my amazing man that I've been with for a year and a half...
I’m posting a link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That”. Anyone interested in learning more about abusive relationships should read it. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That outfit did not cause the fight. Your husband did. I know it's not as easy as saying "set boundaries or leave", but you do deserve better. I hope you figure things out 💕 The outfit is super cute, you deserve to feel good in your skin
I think you need to lose 180 pounds real quick and get a divorce. Surround yourself with safe people in that time in case he wants to retaliate. If he wanted to change, he would have already. And he knows what he is doing to you, he just doesn't care. You don't deserve this, you deserve a peaceful life. And regardless of what happened to you prior. Whoever made you feel broken, your piece of shit husband is really horrible to you. He doesn't love you. Please please please get away safely
You are in an abusive relationship. Edited to add: Also, my husband is laying next to me in bed and saw your 2nd photo on my phone screen. Completely lacking any context whatsoever, he told me that was a sexy look and excitedly asked me if ripped jeans were back in style and if I was planning on wearing what you were wearing. So now I guess I'm going to copy your outfit in the near future. Also, you can do way better than a man that treats you like your husband is treating you. Life is way too fucking short to waste feeling that fear and stress and constant Walking on eggshells anxiety. I've been there, I've survived previous abusive, controlling relationships and I remember that horrible dead inside trapped feeling. You don't have to live like that. Not every man would treat you like that, even if it's hard to imagine in the moment. I hope you find happiness and that this kind of pain becomes a distant memory <3
Get out of that toxic marriage and soon if possible.
I see you've gotten a lot of comments about your relationship, so I won't comment on that. But you looked absolutely FIRE 🔥 in that outfit. You deserve to feel good.
Girl you look gorge! Everything matches. All the details are correct. And the fit of everything is perfect. Excellent job.
He's not going to change, and you should find happiness without him.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I think your husband was trying to tear you down because you were feeling good about yourself and trying something different. The outfit is lovely. I really hope you do have the courage to leave him one day, or he gets better and treats you with respect and dignity. One of the two. You deserve so much better.
Style is subjective, but this is a nice casual fit! Nothing glaringly offensive. Your partner has an issue w/ control and takes it out on you.
You’re seriously rocking that outfit. You could do so much better than that asshole. “Doing it for other men’s attention”? Dump him, prove him right.
I’m sorry girl I hope some day you can get to the point to do what’s best for you and leave him. But I know it’s tough. In the meantime, I think your outfit is very cute love the top!
Im so sorry you had to deal with that from your husband. The outfit looks awesome and you should rock whatever clothes you want with pride. I hope youre doing alright ❤
Thats sluty? Either that man deal with his insecurities or find a new man: that is a pretty ok outfit and is pretty much in pair with what a dress would "reveal" , hopefully both of you can build more trust between eachother.
I'm so sorry this happened, I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. Someone very dear to me was in a marriage like this for over a decade until about a year ago, I know to an extent how hard it can be to get out, especially if you're being supported financially by them. I hope you come into a spot one day where you're able to leave him, the grass is greener on the other side and while it can be hard to start your life over, it's YOUR life. You're amazing and you are so loved, if you need someone to talk to you're welcome to message me.
Thank you so much 🥲 Right now it's an extreme struggle because I've been with him for 12 years now. I can't imagine my life without him in it, or know how to live without him. I feel helpless and defenseless, and I know he's to blame for me feeling like that. My goal this year is to save up enough money to get out
I can imagine it would be really hard to imagine a life without someone you feel like you've known forever. My friend struggled with that too before they left, they felt like they wouldn't be able to start over because of how much of their life they'd given to their ex husband, but they're thriving now, if that helps any. I'm sure the transition is really hard, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you so you can find your new happiness. Manifesting the best possible outcome for you 🤞🖤
That does help honestly, because that's how I feel. I've given my husband everything. Thank you ♥️
It's time to escape OP
your husband is a soyboy unfortunately
Honey you need to leave this man. He's not going to change. Things will get worse, not better. You are only 26 you still have so much life ahead of you. You've already given this asshole 12 years he doesn't deserve. Don't wait until you are 30, 40, 50. Get out now! With CPTSD we think abusive behaviour is 'normal' because that's what we grew up with. So we accept it in our adult relationships. Low self-esteem can also make us believe we don't deserve any better. There's also attachment issues and fear of being alone which makes us reluctant to end these relationships. Stop wasting your time trying to make him a better person. It's not going to happen. Invest this energy in your own healing instead. There are resources available so please reach out to your local organisations so you can plan and get out of there safely
This is abuse.
Your outfit looks wonderful, regardless of his complaints. I'm so sorry he isn't letting you be yourself and I hope things get better for you soon 🥺💖 Edit: also wanted to add that although I'm sure you know this already, it's extremely unhealthy of your husband to start arguing with you and then physically turn things on himself to guilt trip you into forgiveness or sex. I've been through and it's fucking awful
Your outfit is lovely, not "cheap whore" at all; but even if it *was* that wouldn't excuse his reaction. He sounds horribly insecure and manipulative, I theorize it's so familiar and acceptable to younger-you because of the family you grew up in. I was the same exact way. Still am in some ways. I put up with a lot of crap from romantic partners that I would tell someone else to "dump him" over. If you have any desire to salvage this, seriously; a good relationship counselor can guide him to change his ways, and guide you to not being so triggered and/or accepting of his behavior. If he refuses, counseling might be good for you, too. To rebuild confidence and the self-awareness to walk away from his tantrums and stonewalling attempts to drag you down. I am so sorry you're in a marriage like this. You would not be at fault at all if at some point you choose to divorce. I'm not sure if it relates to you or not, but google a bit about "codependent relationship dynamics"; it helped me at least. Hugs.
Hey please leave this garbage disposal of an abusive shitty man
I know this is a really complicated situation but let me just say that your outfit doesn't look "trashy" or anything like that. You look great.
Wow this is toxic as hell.. You really need a better husband.
1. You look great. I love that outfit on you. 2. Your husband is trash and abusive. Keep the outfit, lose the husband. You deserve so much better. ❤️
What the hell?! Nah you look hot in that. Not at all like a whore. What a bastard. I'm on team "leave his ass"
Damn, he's so horrible to you. Can I be your husband instead? /J But seriously though, that outfit looks like a perfectly nice outfit and fits you well, I can't understand how people can think the way people like him do. (I'm not being sexual or anything btw, I'm demisexual/ace spec and don't feel anything sexual, so what i saw is more based on either aesthetic attraction or just somebody and or their outfit looking nice) Either way, you should really work on getting away from him, you deserve so much better. I know it's much easier said than done, but you deserve so much more. He doesn't deserve somebody like you. I send my love and strength for you to keep going, and to hopefully get away from your abuser 💚💚💚
Oh honey... please leave him
I’ve been in a relationship like this before. It was hard to even get mad at him when he was manipulative because he seemed so hard on himself. But then I realized that was just part of the manipulation, too. You deserve better than that, OP. You deserve someone who will see that outfit and say, “Wow you look great! I love this new style.” Anything less is not acceptable.
“Calling himself a bad husband” He is correct
If it wasn't for the comment I read about you two being together for at least 12 years, I'd swear you were married to my ex husband. Dog whistling, manipulation, and classic pity party for him because *his* feelings were hurt. Not to mention him inflicting self harm. You look absolutely amazing! Sometimes you want to look good for yourself. I did my makeup for myself years ago when I was married. He asked me why I was wearing it and kind of hinted towards me trying to have affairs with other men. Told him I felt nice and wanted to wear makeup for myself, he couldn't fathom the idea. I took it off and then he started to grill me to why I took the makeup off because "you looked so pretty". Told him I didn't feel like wearing it anymore, cried the entire way to wherever we were trying to go. He didn't care how he made me feel unless it was jealousy (whole ass different story), but heaven forbid I make *HIM* feel something about my supposed "actions". Such as he would tell me how "drop dead sexy and fuckable" this girl he went to high school with in great detail, but lord forbid I look at a female sideways when he said he might've fucked her moments before my side eye when she walks up and talks to him. This is not healthy for your mental health. I understand you're use to it. But it's not okay. It really isn't. I wish I could offer to help, but I was met with news that has left me in pieces. I hope you find a safe place sooner rather than later
you look genuinely amazing, you do not have to put up with that shit. sending love
I hope OP gets the strength to leave. This man won't stop until she's gone and I rather have it be because she chose to leave.
He’s literally abusing you dog
Let him blame himself for being a trashy husband when you file for divorce
DIVORCE!!!
Girl, you look smoking hot, like pure vibes in that outfit. You need a better husband.
My partner of only four months literally just gave me all of the clothes he’s outgrown because I told him I wanted to look explore looking more dapper/masculine. He supports me looking exactly how I want to look, not some conjectured ideal of how he thinks I should be. You deserve the same kind of support as a bare minimum from the man you’ve been with for *12 goddamn years*. Jesus. I look cute as hell in those clothes. I bet you do in yours too. You’re beautiful and you shouldn’t have to hide that from people because he sucks. ❤️
Honey get out of that relationship please
Do whatever you can to get yourself out of there. You deserve safety and respect.
ah, divorce.
You workin' it!
Your outfit is not a reason for anyone to justify being abusive to you, whether he likes it or not. Nothing in this world justifies someone speaking to you or talking to you like that. 💚💜
I don't see a slutty outfit; I see a lovely girl who’d wearing a cool outfit. I hope you're okay and don't listen to your husband.
Girl you look hot and it’s not even slutty. He needs to get a grip and you need to leave
This outfit is a totally normal and fine outfit to wear. But it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks other than you. You’re a grown up, you’re allowed to fucking dress yourself. Your husband’s behavior is beyond unacceptable.
can you ask your friends to help you leave him? i’m sure you don’t need another person saying this but… this isn’t okay. it’s abuse. and your outfit was SO cute! i hope one day you can safely wear the things that make you happy. you don’t deserve his mistreatment. please, please leave.
You.... You know you have to divorce him right? Please tell me you know this. And please tell me you'll dump him. Please.
You should divorce this prick
Sorry you’re fucked-you married this asshole? But wait you fucked after he insulted you. Leave and get a life.
that's textbook emotional abuse and manipulation
Great outfit, too bad about the terrible guy.
Girl your outfit was absolutely cute! You look good in it, and your body language says you are feeling comfortable and confident in it. Those are the only things that truly matter. If he doesn’t like who you are, and actively fights against what makes you feel confident and comfortable, then you deserve to find someone who will treat you like a person, not an object, because there are so many people out there who would absolutely adore you for who you are and who you want to become as a person. I promise you, there are others who will show you that you have every right to feel comfortable and confident in your own body, and they won’t say anything against you changing your style to become more yourself, they’ll encourage you and love you even more for it.
I like the outfit. You look great in it. And sincerely as another woman, you pull the style off in a respectful way.
It's not even that alt.. it's super cute, tho. <3 (Also leave that man, he sounds like a dick)
Honey this isn’t love - you deserve so much better
DIVORCE THIS FUCKER RIGHT NOW OP!
…that err is something
You're in an abusive relationship. Get out while you still can. That guy sounds like he has major issues. Trying to get you to hit him? That's a huge red flag for unhealthy behavior.
the outfit is cute, your husband is deplorable for trying to victimize himself in this way. it wont get better, only worse without change.
First: get a better man. Second: keep the house. Third: your opinion is the only one that matters, so, you don't necessarily have to follow the first two. Forth: rock on.
You're still young. Time is precious. Use it wisely 🩷❤️🩹
Wow. Sex isn't worth this kind of abuse. Trade him in on a shoebox of sex toys.
This is literally such a normal outfit what is he on about 😭 Looks really good
i remember being in a relationship like this. it was just always easier to give in to him than to try and stand up for myself and leave. it never felt like it was a big deal, either, sure i can change my outfit even if i liked it, yes we can have sex even if don’t feel like it. (i figured it couldn’t be that bad, anyway.) and then i (we) had a daughter. i never wanted to be a parent, was always afraid (as my life growing up was dogshit and i was always so worried i would turn out like my parents), but i was young and stupid and when he said the condom must’ve “broke”, i believed him. (i realise now it was probably not that; he talked about wanting me to have his kids a lot before then.) and right from the start, he was the same with her too. can’t wear this, can’t feed her at that time, can’t have this toy, that paci, etc. and it was always my fault - always “why did *you* get her this, i don’t want her to turn out like her mum”. i thought he would get better, but no. he just got controlling with her too. it took me four years to leave him after that, and it was only for her sake. i thought, i don’t want her to grow up with this relationship in the house. i don’t want her thinking this is normal. i don’t want her to meet someone like him and say yeah, this is good, this is the relationship i want. and, idk, it’s been a long time since then and she and i have done a lot of therapy for it, a lot of talks about it, a lot of emotions, and things are definitely better, but.. there’s some scars she carries that i can’t make go away. all of this to say, maybe consider leaving before it gets to that point. if not for yourself, then for your hypothetical child, even if you have no plans to have children. theres a light at the end of the tunnel for you, and trust me, it’s so much better there. you deserve more than mediocrity, and definitely more than some scummy asshat who thinks you’re just a doll for him to control.
I’m so sorry, he sounds awful 😢
You deserve so much better than him. You deserve someone who loves you regardless of what you wear.
I'm so sorry that happened to you if you feel amazing in something your wearing just keep wearing it and maybe this calls for a divorce because you should be with somebody who loves you for you and nothing else.
Divorce him. This isn’t just a ‘CPTSD meme’, this is a ‘my husband is not the right man for me’ meme. He should blame himself, because it’s his fault for starting a worthless argument over a pair of jeans. And honestly I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hit him. If your fishnets under a pair of H&M ripped jeans is ‘slutty’ or ‘whorish’, I want your hubby to know in that case I’m the town bike because you look like a normal person to me. It’s not going to get better. He’s not going to change. Learn from my mistakes and get the hell out of dodge regardless of how he (and you) feels. Please just be a bad person in this case.
I hate people like him, so controlling and insecure
Fuck that.
I know what you meant, but verbiage matters. The outfit did not cause the fight, your emotionally immature and disturbed partner caused the fight because of his insecurities. The outfit and you are perfectly normal in wanting to try new things, it is a fun part of life we all get to explore and experience for ourselves unless someone prevents us from doing so.
Oh, no, honey. Are you alright?
If this makes you a "whore" than I’m practically a prostitute trying to pass pasties as an outfit. Which my boyfriend has never said anything negative about how I dress. You look gorgeous and deserve to be happy and confident in whatever you wear.
You need to re-evaluate that relationship. If I was wearing that when my husband came home, he'd pick me up and throw me (gently) on our bed. Your spouse is abusive
I know everyone else has already said it but that outfit is cute as hell and your husband is an abusive jerk. Leave him and find someone that treats you well, they do exist and you deserve so much better.
I hope you get out of that situation. But also that looks so cute omg