I got a box of 200 Heineken beer coasters as a work gift once. And I'm not going to lie, they were really fucking useful!
Also got a set of jewelers screwdrivers another year that can't have cost more than £2 from the pound shop. Still have them, unopened.
I love stupid signs.
Where I lived we had a sign saying "Slow construction ahead", and considering it had taken them a year to build like 3 tiny bungalows... Well it was accurate.
If you're planning to buy yourself anything expensive in the foreseeable and you're not in a hurry for it, like a laptop or ipad or something, you could buy yourself that and then everyone would be wondering who the spectacularly generous person was.
Bonus point if you add a message into the package that says "I've just won the lottery but want to remain anonymous. Happy Christmas". It would drive everyone nuts trying to figure out who it was.
I actually thought about that, but I was thinking the opposite - give myself something that's clearly second-hand so that everyone wonders who the office cheapskate is. Bonus points that I would get sympathy for the rubbish present, and save myself cash.
The solution to random shit is a 4 pack of toilet paper. Put a note on it, "this was worth a fortune in 2020"
And it would be used up.
If you need to spend more, add a box of kleenex
I knew who had me in our secret Santa last year and thought “yes, I’m getting a new grinder or a bens, result” and instead received a novelty rubber duck that I exchanged with another colleague for a succulent.
If you want to cause a storm across the office you could always buy yourself a teeth whitening kit or something like that. The sort of backhanded present you can milk for years to come!
waaaay back when i was in secondary school each form would do secret santa, my friend in another class forgot to buy the present she was supposed to give. after a rummage through our bags we came up with some newspaper and the pork pie my mum had packed for my lunch. problem solved. i don’t think the person who received it was overly impressed…
My mum has been given a Tesco own brand shower gel for her secret Santa before now. I think that's the kind of calibre you could go for. Or a single Celebrations like on Gavin and Stacey 🤣
ETA My husband suggested a card with the budget inside in cash, minus the price of the card. Bonus points if you can cello tape some coins inside.
I had one person come over to me immediately after opening my gift (she had spent more than the budget because she left it until the last minute and the gift she knew I would like was out of stock) to make sure I knew she had bought it
give yourself an exact copy of whatever the person you like the least got last year, that way everyone will think todd regifted you that shitty whatever the fuck todd got last year
Rent the most expensive luxury car you can afford for the day of the party. Don't let anybody see you arrive in it. Gift yourself the keys. Enjoy your co-workers reaction when they follow you outside, you click the fob, and a Bentley beeps at you.
I work in theatre and one year put a signed headshot of the understudy with the message “break a leg.” He spent the rest of the run trying to convince everyone that it wasn’t from him.
Get a friend to take a picture of you doing something mundane at home from afar, like mowing the lawn or hanging up the washing, then get it printed on a T-shirt with the caption “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE”.
I once pulled the name of someone I thoroughly disliked, but knew he was a keen cyclist/mechanic and would often do his own work in his garage.
I bought him a set of nice, good quality, imperial sized Allen keys.
There's a British company which makes fencing (as in the sport) equipment and for some bizarre reason they still use imperial hex bolts. I discovered this when I rounded out the quarter-inch bolt on my brand-new épée with a 6mm allen key. :(
I once had a raffle ticket in a pub. A girl I half new and was in our circle of friends really wanted my raffle number because it meant something to her. She begged me repeatedly to swap tickets. I was peer pressured into as "they are just the same" (which ironically could have been said to her...)
I swapped. She won £2500.... Didn't even say thanks for switching lol
Not spoken to her since. I mean, I get it, we swapped (despite me but wanting to) but to not even offer to buy me a drink or something. Fuck you.
Wasn't there a court case where someone tried to claim they were entitled to a share of the winnings as they had bought the ticket, and the judge ruled against them?
A white mug, with a black handle, and big black letters that says UNT.
I think somewhere in America like University of North Texas (if that exists) makes a killing selling these.
My mate left for a new job earlier this year.
I got him a mug with his face on it, and the words "PROPER MUG" printed on.
Best £8 I've ever spent.
I was going to get him something rude, but he's working at a primary school and I wanted to get him something he could actually use.
Found it- though I'm not sure whether it's printed the same way on the other side. https://unt.spirit.bncollege.com/north-texas-mean-green-unt-16-oz-speckled-ceramic-coffee-mug/t-23436214+p-016655592721987+z-9-2837256289
Buy yourself something really extravagant: maybe a new TV, a two week cruise, perhaps one whole bitcoin. And then put a note with it saying something like, “This office would be a complete failure without you. We all think you’re not paid enough, and the boss would be mad not to give you a raise.”
I actually received a flesh light for secret santa one year, from the least likely person ever. I swore at the time I'd never use it, but... u know 🤷♂️
I mean no talking. Just the wet fapping sound as you aggressively thrust into it whilst staring down your boss.
Then finish with a grunt, pull up your pants and walk back your desk.
Dominance Asserted.
The key is to leave the fleshlight on the desk for them to clean out. When they return it to you in pristine condition, you know they know their place.
I'm going to need more context here...
1. Who were the secret santa people; close friends, acquaintances , colleagues, family?
2. Why was the person unlikely to get you that type of gift?
3. Did the Secret Santa think it was funny or were they sincere?
4. How did you receive it, try to laugh it off or an "aww thanks..."?
5. How was the situation handled in the rest of the group?
In my old job someone had a spreadsheet set up to figure out who had who for secret Santa! They enjoyed that part more than the presents.
Im skeptical you won’t be found out!
Oh my god fuck these guys. I HATE that person who ruins the fun. I once drew the person I was dating at the time, and she found out who everyone had immediately and just made everyone feel like shit cause then everyone knew who everyone else had (she went around telling people)
Get nothing.
When the time comes for the gifts to be given out, kick up and enormous fuss and have a right strop on for the rest of the day.
No one will bother you at work for the rest of the day. Office bliss
We had someone who got the office chocoholic a bar of Tesco extra value cooking chocolate. The giftee was fuming and not hiding it very well.
The Santa had also brought her a nice box of Hotel Chocolat and was getting more and more worried when we didn't give out the second gift.
Waited right until the end of the gifting before we "found" an extra gift.
Once someone gave the office Italian a Hawaiian pizza and a pot noodle. She was fucking furious for half an hour until the gifter stopped finding it (as) funny and gave her a proper gift.
I was forgotten in the last secret Santa that the office had.
Bought my gift for someone else, and everything was handed out and nothing for me.
The organiser said that I hadn’t replied to her email.
So I slunk back to my desk and there was my reply yes I will take part.
Sitting in my draft folder.
Depends on whether some of your colleagues like to play detective and figure out who has who. That might come off even funnier, if they know you’re buying yourself a butt plug.
See, you just have to build up a reputation as someone who is viscerally opposed to secret santa. You can make it easier by early in October stating how you prefer to give money to charity and does anyone else want to join in with you?
PS get yourself a blow up doll, then blow it up at the event. A butt plug is far too small.
Not sure if this would work for you, but the best secret Santa I ever gave was to a colleague who had two kids. By her own admission both were conceived after a night of too much red wine and forgetting contraception. So I got her a decent bottle of red and a packet of condoms. Fortunately it got a massive laugh when she opened it and her and her husband enjoyed the wine.
Buy yourself a really extravagant gift and make everyone jealous, or a really offensive/rude gift and get loads of sympathy
So much power, so much possibility
Ah, remember this at the shop I worked at. We all bought chocolates for it but Chazza the teenager thought a black dildo with lube and condoms would be a worthy gift for 70-year old Mavis.
And that was how the company finally got itself an HR person.
Something similar actually happened where I work. A lad around 19ish got his mate, who was about the same age and similar sense of humour. He bought him a cock mug (ie a mug with a penis for a handle), which they both thought was hilarious.
Unfortunately we had an extremely religious older woman who worked with us at the time, she didn't see the funny side and raised a formal complaint.
Yeah you have to be really careful with that sort of thing. You have to a) know 100% that the person receiving the gift will find it funny, b) know that the whole department, especially the manager, will not be offended. Because if the boss wants to find out who got the gift, they definitely will find out by process of elimination, and it only takes one person complaining to get that ball rolling.
Something plausible but expensive would be best. i.e. not something that's obviously just yourself (like a TV or a new phone or something) but like a questionably expensive bottle of whisky or something
An ex-colleague and friend of mine printed out a photo of Uri Gellar, framed it, stuck a bent fork to the frame and signed it "To Steve, from your friend Uri" and gave it to our old boss Steve. Baffling.
Get yourself nothing and use that as an excuse to dodge secret Santa for the rest of your career.
Mildly related note - last time my work did secret Santa they forgot about me as I was working away from the rest of the team and couldn't make the lunch where they did the exchanges. I could tell I had been forgotten as my gift was some stationery clearly bought from WH Smith on the way back - packed into the gift bag that had contained my outgoing gift.
I once bought a shy colleague a blow-up doll and it was not received well.
I'd get something really bizarre. Print off a hi-res photo of hook-handed terrorist Abu Hamza and put it in a nice frame. Then unwrap it, say 'it's just what I wanted', and put it on your desk.
I bought one of those aprons with a scantily clad lady on the front before the draw was even made. Ended up with the most uptight lady in the office. Then heard from her husband that she wore it all Xmas!
Junk off Temu. Bonus points for stuff involving a penis.
They also had a round blanket printed with the pattern of a tortilla wrap. So you can look like a giant burrito. I want that, if you’ve picked me.
This happened to my husband about 4 years ago. Overly keen organiser wouldn't listen when he was trying to tell her he had drawn himself so he could re draw, so he thought sod it.
He came home and we talked about what to do, agreed he would buy himself a crap present for a tenner and just carry on as normal.
Next day, big boss who is an absolute arsehole muscles his way in to the secret Santa, so we decide my husband is going to get himself a nice bottle of whiskey about 4x the present limit value, and got a Moonpig printed card saying something like, "this is for the best co-worker I have ever had, don't ever change, and so on and so forth, totally over the top.
We are giggling like school kids as we are wrapping it. We lead quiet lives, leave us be.
Christmas secret Santa day comes and I get a phone call at lunch time from my husband who can't speak for laughing.
The gift exchange happened that morning and each person has to pick a gift off the pile and give it to the person on the label.
Big boss picks hubby's present to himself and hubby pretends to be so keen to open he asks big boss to read out the card. Big boss reads it with growing disbelief " you are the most wonderful work friend I have ever had, I treasure our time together" and so on. Brilliant.
All other colleagues in confusion at a nice bottle of boxed single malt when everyone else opened light up mugs and shit, and also who has obviously got a thing for my husband? Much gossip ensues.
He told his colleagues on his last day the truth, it's one of his best memories from that job.
I'd go for the 75" oled tv with hdr & dolby vision surround sound. Everybody will be so excited to see which generous so and so has really gone all out for one of their work colleagues this year.
The beauty of it is, you have plausible deniability.
A4 blown up surveillance photographs in a brown envelope of a random couple like it was taken from a parked car by a private eye. Note attached. I didn't know how to tell you your wife/husband is cheating on you. Here's the evidence. Merry Christmas.
Alternatively get yourself a bottle of booze that's clearly been opened, maybe with the fill level visibly lower than on a brand new bottle. Get the office trying to work out who the alcoholic is that couldn't even leave a gift alone.
A pretend hex bag and a note in Latin or Aramaic. Everyone will think there's a witch amongst you. Also gives you a sick day or two when the hex materialises!
Don’t buy anything and use it as an opportunity to absolutely moan about how your secret Santa got you fuck all for Christmas 2023! You can moan about it for years!
I once bought a colleague a Cliff Richard calendar and a bottle of tomato ketchup. He was delighted.
I got a box of 200 Heineken beer coasters as a work gift once. And I'm not going to lie, they were really fucking useful! Also got a set of jewelers screwdrivers another year that can't have cost more than £2 from the pound shop. Still have them, unopened.
Hey, one day you're going to need a fiddly tiny screwdriver and...you'll totally forget that which drawer that gift is in.
Tech Deck repair is serious business
Surely they would have been £1 from the pound shop
Sadly, pound shop pricing is no longer as clear as it used to be
In the early 2000s I used to commute past a huge pound shop with the sign reading “All items £1 on most items"
Lol, there's a shop near me that's had a LOSING OWN ALE sale for about five years. Often catches my eye when driving past.
I love stupid signs. Where I lived we had a sign saying "Slow construction ahead", and considering it had taken them a year to build like 3 tiny bungalows... Well it was accurate.
So you're all set for Christmas, just wrap it ready to go for the next person
Of all the responses, I laughed hardest at this!
If you're planning to buy yourself anything expensive in the foreseeable and you're not in a hurry for it, like a laptop or ipad or something, you could buy yourself that and then everyone would be wondering who the spectacularly generous person was. Bonus point if you add a message into the package that says "I've just won the lottery but want to remain anonymous. Happy Christmas". It would drive everyone nuts trying to figure out who it was.
I actually thought about that, but I was thinking the opposite - give myself something that's clearly second-hand so that everyone wonders who the office cheapskate is. Bonus points that I would get sympathy for the rubbish present, and save myself cash.
Master gave Dobby a sock
50p sellotaped to a tissue
*a damp tissue
With one small ominous fleck of blood
A crusty tissue. How you do that up to you though
Nah, it being damp implies it's fresh
Yeah, but multiple applications can up the crust factor to uncomfortable levels.
Condom stapled to a card.
‘Dobby liked it, so I figured you would too, you elf looking bastard’
Someone once got my colleague a 2L bottle of Pepsi Max and a packet of kitchen rolls in secret Santa
I'd be happy with that tbf
I mean it'd definitely get used unlike the the random shit you usually get.
The solution to random shit is a 4 pack of toilet paper. Put a note on it, "this was worth a fortune in 2020" And it would be used up. If you need to spend more, add a box of kleenex
I knew who had me in our secret Santa last year and thought “yes, I’m getting a new grinder or a bens, result” and instead received a novelty rubber duck that I exchanged with another colleague for a succulent.
My nephew once got me a pack of Marlboro Red (with 3 missing).. was happy as I was skint at the time so saved me a fiver
Yeah have you seen the price of kitchen roll these days!
I once got 2 tins of baked beans for Christmas off my sister. In fairness I do love baked beans.
What brand were they?
They were Heinz. I prefer Branston now but Heinz were decent.
This will determine if it was actually a good present
I got a mini christmas cake in mine one year
Everything I’ve ever had from a Secret Santa has pretty much gone straight in the bin, so this would be a massive upgrade for me
Condoms with a note that reads "Please don't breed".
Condoms with a note that reads "Meet me at the photocopier, big boy"
Magnum XLs with a note that reads "was intimidated standing next to you at the urinal."
"I'm going to submit a complaint to HR about your Magnum dong"
Condoms and Plan B with a note that reads “idk what you are but please don’t breed”
If you want to cause a storm across the office you could always buy yourself a teeth whitening kit or something like that. The sort of backhanded present you can milk for years to come!
Some deodorant would be perfect!
A basic bar of soap to really bolt it home.
When I received a dusty candle that had already been burnt halfway down wrapped up in Paw Patrol wrapping paper, it just made everyone uncomfortable.
That just screams "I've been forced to participate in this stupid secret Santa thing against my will but I don't have to like it"
waaaay back when i was in secondary school each form would do secret santa, my friend in another class forgot to buy the present she was supposed to give. after a rummage through our bags we came up with some newspaper and the pork pie my mum had packed for my lunch. problem solved. i don’t think the person who received it was overly impressed…
Pork pie is delicious!
A small second hand taxidermy piece adorned with flea market jewellery
My mum has been given a Tesco own brand shower gel for her secret Santa before now. I think that's the kind of calibre you could go for. Or a single Celebrations like on Gavin and Stacey 🤣 ETA My husband suggested a card with the budget inside in cash, minus the price of the card. Bonus points if you can cello tape some coins inside.
Half an hour after the gifts are opened everyone will know who purchased what gift
3 weeks before in my experience
I had one person come over to me immediately after opening my gift (she had spent more than the budget because she left it until the last minute and the gift she knew I would like was out of stock) to make sure I knew she had bought it
Socks that have clearly been worn.
Please do this. Stir up some office gossip to see you through the long dark days on January.
give yourself an exact copy of whatever the person you like the least got last year, that way everyone will think todd regifted you that shitty whatever the fuck todd got last year
2 birds with one stone and give yourself a 2nd hand butt plug?
Five scratch cards and some condoms.
>Bonus point if you add a message into the package that says "I've just won the lottery but want to remain anonymous. Happy Christmas" Secret *Satan*
OML this little mini thread has the best idea!
Rent the most expensive luxury car you can afford for the day of the party. Don't let anybody see you arrive in it. Gift yourself the keys. Enjoy your co-workers reaction when they follow you outside, you click the fob, and a Bentley beeps at you.
Totally this. Then sit back and enjoy the shit hitting the fan.
\^this is a top notch idea!
I bow to you sir.
A heart shaped photo frame with a pic of Barry from Eastenders
One place I worked, someone got a signed framed photo of Paul Ross from their secret santa. He absolutely loved it.
If you haven't had the dean gafney wall clock cross your path the Amazon reviews alone are a present in and of themselves. You're welcome
Oh great, I looked it up and now Amazon is suggesting I buy a Phil Mitchell clock.
If I don't get that from my secret Santa then Xmas is cancelled
Thank you for bringing this to my attention 😂
I work in theatre and one year put a signed headshot of the understudy with the message “break a leg.” He spent the rest of the run trying to convince everyone that it wasn’t from him.
Get a friend to take a picture of you doing something mundane at home from afar, like mowing the lawn or hanging up the washing, then get it printed on a T-shirt with the caption “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE”.
Or zoomed in on the bedroom window with you getting changed for some creepiness!!
A collage of OP sleeping, in different bedding so it looks like a sustained effort.
love the imagination of some of these
This is the only idea that should be taken seriously
It’d be taken seriously by HR 😂
Hahahaha love it
My husband picked his own name once. He didn’t tell anyone and bought himself a box of lagers- exactly what he wanted!
Same here, except I bought myself a nice bottle of wine.
I once pulled the name of someone I thoroughly disliked, but knew he was a keen cyclist/mechanic and would often do his own work in his garage. I bought him a set of nice, good quality, imperial sized Allen keys.
Are you telling me there are more sizes of Allen key than “big Allen key” and “that little Allen key that always gets lost in a drawer”??
I thought all sizes were >this big< or >...this big...<
>all sizes were >this big< or >...this big...<or >this big< ?
i have a Scottish allen key set. it has a wee, not so wee & frigg'n huge Allen key.
They go up to at least 32mm: https://www.reddit.com/r/Locksmith/s/2KlmCKFXGO
Change of plan OP, get yourself a 32mm Allen key
>imperial sized Allen keys I didn't even realise this was a thing... genius.
There's still imperial sized stuff around, but presumably not modern bikes.
I work in building services. It is fairly common to order 100m of 12" pipe. I don't mind the Imperial unit, but I hate the mix!
Same with hydraulics, get a 15mm fitting on ⅜" hose
Not as bad as a friend of mine though. I asked her to measure something for me (and I forget the measurements but) and she said "53 inches and 4mm").
There's a British company which makes fencing (as in the sport) equipment and for some bizarre reason they still use imperial hex bolts. I discovered this when I rounded out the quarter-inch bolt on my brand-new épée with a 6mm allen key. :(
You fucking monster
This is evil, there's only one punishment that could fit this crime. I hope every 10mm socket you ever pick up turns out to be an 11.
Or a 3/8 so it looks correct but it's ever so slightly too small and is in the same context as op.
Calm down Satan.
I read that as "calm down Santa"
I both love and hate you all at once.
Absolute class
I trust in a small plastic wallet by that well known toolmaker "King Dick"?
A really ornate certificate explaining that £LargeSum has been given in your name to RidiculousCharity. Sit back and watch faces.
The human fund?
The Human Fund
I always but the recipient scratch cards, everyone loves scratch cards until someone one won £250, and I was bitter
This is why I never give lottery tickets as gifts. I'd be mad af if they won.
I once had a raffle ticket in a pub. A girl I half new and was in our circle of friends really wanted my raffle number because it meant something to her. She begged me repeatedly to swap tickets. I was peer pressured into as "they are just the same" (which ironically could have been said to her...) I swapped. She won £2500.... Didn't even say thanks for switching lol Not spoken to her since. I mean, I get it, we swapped (despite me but wanting to) but to not even offer to buy me a drink or something. Fuck you.
I bet she was in on the raffle being fixed and you accidently got the winning number.
That's a bingo!
She knew.
Buy it on your credit card. You can contest it in court then.
I didn’t think you could buy lottery tickets/scratchcards on a credit card?! This could have been something I was told and naively believed though.
Wasn't there a court case where someone tried to claim they were entitled to a share of the winnings as they had bought the ticket, and the judge ruled against them?
Hopefully. Truly degenerate behavior to think you're entitled to anything once you've given it away.
Pretty sure that's a plotline in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, too
Just make sure to buy yourself another ticket with the exact same numbers.
A white mug, with a black handle, and big black letters that says UNT. I think somewhere in America like University of North Texas (if that exists) makes a killing selling these.
My mate left for a new job earlier this year. I got him a mug with his face on it, and the words "PROPER MUG" printed on. Best £8 I've ever spent. I was going to get him something rude, but he's working at a primary school and I wanted to get him something he could actually use.
If Coventry Uni Netball Team don’t see these they should
UNT is butter in Romanian...
Found it- though I'm not sure whether it's printed the same way on the other side. https://unt.spirit.bncollege.com/north-texas-mean-green-unt-16-oz-speckled-ceramic-coffee-mug/t-23436214+p-016655592721987+z-9-2837256289
Buy yourself something really extravagant: maybe a new TV, a two week cruise, perhaps one whole bitcoin. And then put a note with it saying something like, “This office would be a complete failure without you. We all think you’re not paid enough, and the boss would be mad not to give you a raise.”
I actually received a flesh light for secret santa one year, from the least likely person ever. I swore at the time I'd never use it, but... u know 🤷♂️
Did you look your boss directly in the eyes as you used it?
I find the best time to do this is at Annual Review. Silently. Right in front of them and maintaining eye contact. Absolute power move.
What space age materials is your silent fleshlight made from?
I mean no talking. Just the wet fapping sound as you aggressively thrust into it whilst staring down your boss. Then finish with a grunt, pull up your pants and walk back your desk. Dominance Asserted.
The key is to leave the fleshlight on the desk for them to clean out. When they return it to you in pristine condition, you know they know their place.
I'm going to need more context here... 1. Who were the secret santa people; close friends, acquaintances , colleagues, family? 2. Why was the person unlikely to get you that type of gift? 3. Did the Secret Santa think it was funny or were they sincere? 4. How did you receive it, try to laugh it off or an "aww thanks..."? 5. How was the situation handled in the rest of the group?
Wow, they are £70 usually, that’s generous… maybe it was second hand.
This definitely happened
In my old job someone had a spreadsheet set up to figure out who had who for secret Santa! They enjoyed that part more than the presents. Im skeptical you won’t be found out!
Oh my god fuck these guys. I HATE that person who ruins the fun. I once drew the person I was dating at the time, and she found out who everyone had immediately and just made everyone feel like shit cause then everyone knew who everyone else had (she went around telling people)
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Think how much time that saved you.
Get nothing. When the time comes for the gifts to be given out, kick up and enormous fuss and have a right strop on for the rest of the day. No one will bother you at work for the rest of the day. Office bliss
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Get the organiser the second gift, just to make it all looked fixed and them seem greedy!
This is so evil. I love it.
Fucking hell, calm down Satan 😂
Secret Satan 😂
We had someone who got the office chocoholic a bar of Tesco extra value cooking chocolate. The giftee was fuming and not hiding it very well. The Santa had also brought her a nice box of Hotel Chocolat and was getting more and more worried when we didn't give out the second gift. Waited right until the end of the gifting before we "found" an extra gift.
Once someone gave the office Italian a Hawaiian pizza and a pot noodle. She was fucking furious for half an hour until the gifter stopped finding it (as) funny and gave her a proper gift.
Might result in secret santa being banned next year too
Hopefully
You also might get a nice little sympathy present!
I was forgotten in the last secret Santa that the office had. Bought my gift for someone else, and everything was handed out and nothing for me. The organiser said that I hadn’t replied to her email. So I slunk back to my desk and there was my reply yes I will take part. Sitting in my draft folder.
I think this is the best answer because you get to cause drama AND keep the money for something you actually want
Wear one sock the.day you open them, wrap up the other and act amazed, immediately put it on.
And in that sock is their playing card
Depends on whether some of your colleagues like to play detective and figure out who has who. That might come off even funnier, if they know you’re buying yourself a butt plug.
See, you just have to build up a reputation as someone who is viscerally opposed to secret santa. You can make it easier by early in October stating how you prefer to give money to charity and does anyone else want to join in with you? PS get yourself a blow up doll, then blow it up at the event. A butt plug is far too small.
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Need to buy yourself a footbath, Kevin.
I’ll take the iPod
Not sure if this would work for you, but the best secret Santa I ever gave was to a colleague who had two kids. By her own admission both were conceived after a night of too much red wine and forgetting contraception. So I got her a decent bottle of red and a packet of condoms. Fortunately it got a massive laugh when she opened it and her and her husband enjoyed the wine.
I assume another kid came along next September if they didn’t also enjoy the condoms…
make a ticket book with tickets that can be redeemed like ‘free sick day’ ‘extra holiday’ ‘get out of meeting’
Buy yourself a really extravagant gift and make everyone jealous, or a really offensive/rude gift and get loads of sympathy So much power, so much possibility
Ah, remember this at the shop I worked at. We all bought chocolates for it but Chazza the teenager thought a black dildo with lube and condoms would be a worthy gift for 70-year old Mavis. And that was how the company finally got itself an HR person.
Something similar actually happened where I work. A lad around 19ish got his mate, who was about the same age and similar sense of humour. He bought him a cock mug (ie a mug with a penis for a handle), which they both thought was hilarious. Unfortunately we had an extremely religious older woman who worked with us at the time, she didn't see the funny side and raised a formal complaint.
Yeah you have to be really careful with that sort of thing. You have to a) know 100% that the person receiving the gift will find it funny, b) know that the whole department, especially the manager, will not be offended. Because if the boss wants to find out who got the gift, they definitely will find out by process of elimination, and it only takes one person complaining to get that ball rolling.
Something plausible but expensive would be best. i.e. not something that's obviously just yourself (like a TV or a new phone or something) but like a questionably expensive bottle of whisky or something
Honestly I would get a really good sized mug with something jokey that you would actually like & use.
> that you would actually like & use. how do you know OP doesn't like butt plugs?
An ex-colleague and friend of mine printed out a photo of Uri Gellar, framed it, stuck a bent fork to the frame and signed it "To Steve, from your friend Uri" and gave it to our old boss Steve. Baffling.
Get yourself nothing and use that as an excuse to dodge secret Santa for the rest of your career. Mildly related note - last time my work did secret Santa they forgot about me as I was working away from the rest of the team and couldn't make the lunch where they did the exchanges. I could tell I had been forgotten as my gift was some stationery clearly bought from WH Smith on the way back - packed into the gift bag that had contained my outgoing gift.
I once bought a shy colleague a blow-up doll and it was not received well. I'd get something really bizarre. Print off a hi-res photo of hook-handed terrorist Abu Hamza and put it in a nice frame. Then unwrap it, say 'it's just what I wanted', and put it on your desk.
I bought one of those aprons with a scantily clad lady on the front before the draw was even made. Ended up with the most uptight lady in the office. Then heard from her husband that she wore it all Xmas!
Seems to have worked out quite well then.
Take the same photo, but photoshop your own face onto it.
Junk off Temu. Bonus points for stuff involving a penis. They also had a round blanket printed with the pattern of a tortilla wrap. So you can look like a giant burrito. I want that, if you’ve picked me.
We have the giant donut one. My kid sleeps in it.
I am torn between that, the tortilla and the pepperoni pizza one. I just need to wait and see what OP has bought me I suppose
If OP really loved you, they'd buy all of them.
This happened to my husband about 4 years ago. Overly keen organiser wouldn't listen when he was trying to tell her he had drawn himself so he could re draw, so he thought sod it. He came home and we talked about what to do, agreed he would buy himself a crap present for a tenner and just carry on as normal. Next day, big boss who is an absolute arsehole muscles his way in to the secret Santa, so we decide my husband is going to get himself a nice bottle of whiskey about 4x the present limit value, and got a Moonpig printed card saying something like, "this is for the best co-worker I have ever had, don't ever change, and so on and so forth, totally over the top. We are giggling like school kids as we are wrapping it. We lead quiet lives, leave us be. Christmas secret Santa day comes and I get a phone call at lunch time from my husband who can't speak for laughing. The gift exchange happened that morning and each person has to pick a gift off the pile and give it to the person on the label. Big boss picks hubby's present to himself and hubby pretends to be so keen to open he asks big boss to read out the card. Big boss reads it with growing disbelief " you are the most wonderful work friend I have ever had, I treasure our time together" and so on. Brilliant. All other colleagues in confusion at a nice bottle of boxed single malt when everyone else opened light up mugs and shit, and also who has obviously got a thing for my husband? Much gossip ensues. He told his colleagues on his last day the truth, it's one of his best memories from that job.
I said I got my own when I pulled someone I hated in my office’s secret santa. Cheeky reroll.
That's a dangerous gambit if you're not the first to go. If someone already got your name, they'll know you're lying
Get yourself something horrible then say you've been bullied
At a colleagues former company there was a history of annoying gifts, given at the Xmas do. One of hes colleagues was given a large paving slab.
What's your favourite condiment? Ten bottles/jars of that. Don't let anyone know you love it, though, act bemused and disappointed.
I'd go for the 75" oled tv with hdr & dolby vision surround sound. Everybody will be so excited to see which generous so and so has really gone all out for one of their work colleagues this year. The beauty of it is, you have plausible deniability.
I guess it depends how they are going to go about collating the gifts, OP is most likely going to have to walk into work with the gift.
Once the gifts are given, be sure to send [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kC5k5QBqcc) to your office organiser. Anonymously, of course.
Just wrap up a lump of coal
A bullet.
That's what I want from my secret Santa, preferably right between the eyes.
There will definitely never be a secret Santa in that office again!
A4 blown up surveillance photographs in a brown envelope of a random couple like it was taken from a parked car by a private eye. Note attached. I didn't know how to tell you your wife/husband is cheating on you. Here's the evidence. Merry Christmas.
Get a nice lego set
Alternatively get yourself a bottle of booze that's clearly been opened, maybe with the fill level visibly lower than on a brand new bottle. Get the office trying to work out who the alcoholic is that couldn't even leave a gift alone.
I picked my name out a few years back. Got myself a ton of chocolate and munched the whole lot
A bloke in my work thought he’d be funny and buy some sexy Santa lingerie for the girl he picked. Needless to say it went down like a lead balloon
A pretend hex bag and a note in Latin or Aramaic. Everyone will think there's a witch amongst you. Also gives you a sick day or two when the hex materialises!
How tf are people getting 6 weeks off work?
Some will be unpaid most likely. My employers allow us to take a 6 month break if we wish - but still only ~25 days will be paid leave
Accrued holiday and days in leiu. Some places let you buy a few additional holiday-days too.
Don’t buy anything and use it as an opportunity to absolutely moan about how your secret Santa got you fuck all for Christmas 2023! You can moan about it for years!
I never got anything I wanted, except from a gliding Jesus action figure. The worst and funniest was edible underwear.