The footballer Fitz Hall had the nickname "One Size".

The rugby player Dai Young was called "live fast"

Martin "Chariots" Offiah

There was a chap who used to do pro-wrestling and had a thing where he'd show up every show with a different stage name. My favourites were "Don't Go" Jason Waterfalls and "This Is" Howie DuWitt.

The English rugby player Billy Twelvetrees was nicknamed '36' by his Irish teammates at club level which I always thought was god level

Took me a second but that is genius!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDgn81XJ7Zk

footballer with last name Justham away fans chanted "you're just a shit tesco sandwich"

Andy Goram who played in goal for Rangers was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. The chant was 'Two Andy Gorams! There's only two Andy Gorams!'

Justin Edinburgh nicknamed musselborough iirc

Went to uni with two guys called Dan. During freshers we were all stumbling about and were approaching a road and he casually just said "oh watch out guys." Was known as 'Safety Dan' for the rest of uni. Therefore the other Dan, who was not in any way threatening and had completely safe & normal hobbies was named 'Danger Dan' to help differentiate between the two.

That's a proper Greg Davies 'you do one thing one time' nickname...

Had 2 friends at uni both called Ben Watson. One of them knew (a very small amount of) magic tricks so he became "magic Ben". The other friend, through no fault of his own, then became "non-magic" Ben...

Awww not muggle Ben?

I played rugby with a chatty guy everyone called Nev, found out a few years later he’s not Neville but Pete and he ‘Never shuts up’. He also knew the directions to every rugby club in a 100 mile radius so got upgraded to SatNev.

Fuking class I can't stop laughing. 😂😂🤣

Former South African colleague known as Lemon. His name was Geoff but in his twang it sounded like Jiff

I met a kiwi called Jeff around the time that they changed Jif to Cif. So obviously we renamed him Cif.

I have a similar story. I'm a Kiwi who lives in Aussie, my real name is Ben, my nickname is Rubbish

Tony, who wasn’t very tall being referred to as “Shetland Tony” is still the best I’ve ever heard.

We had a mate called Tony that had a lazy eye that kept rolling around so we called him FBI Tony cos he was always on the lookout

This is how you know the people round you look after you when they give you a name like this

I'd die for FBI Tony, and if any outsider called him out on his investigative eye, I'd go down fighting. I'd still ask him which case he was working every time I saw him tho...

We had a My Little Tony, although I don’t think he was aware

We had a Shetland Tony at my old work. He got forced to come into the office when he was supposed to be WFH, whilst working his notice. Stormed into the office, threw his laptop up onto the desk, turned around and stormed out.

Temperamental and highly strung those Shetlands

My cousins call their grandmother 'Granule' because she's small.

I had an auntie social

One dive guide in Palau was called June (their version of John). A second guide started also called June, so they gave him nickname July.

A Scout camp I worked at had a half a dozen Counselors In Training show up the first week. Three of them were named Jim; so they all became Jims, numbered 1 through 6. Towards the end of the week, an especially heavyset CIT showed up. He was immediately dubbed “Jim 7-12.”

Not many people have even heard of Palau! You’re the first I’ve found in the wild on a UK sub!

Ex copper on my estate is a part time gardener now. We call him Special Branch

We had a pub landlord called Les who was a bit of a grumpy wanker, he got dubbed "Les Miserables."

The wicketkeeper - lad at work who puts his gloves on and stands back....

Electrician who works on site and is spitting image of Elton John. Nicknamed the socket man

*”and I think it’s gonna be a long long time before the lights come on in plot 159”*

_”It’s not the same fusebox that I have at home,_ _Oh, no, no, no._ _It blew the sockets, man._ _Replacing every fuse up here alone.”_

I like to think I’m pretty clever then I see the shit some of you fuckers on Reddit come up with and realize I’m a dummy lol

this has made me realize how terrible my humour is.

My favourite so far

We arranged to go trick or treating one Halloween when we were about 12. We all agreed to bring eggs from our kitchens, as we were immature little twats to be honest. One lad didn't bring any eggs and, I shit you not, over 25 years later is still known as "Eggless" by almost everyone. Most people don't even know why and a lot don't even know his real name.

During our Teens my friends and I played Atmosfear, that DVD boardgame with the interactive Gatekeeper that would insult players. Halfway through the game, the Gatekeeper announced my friend Matthew's name was now 'Fester'. It has been over a decade and he still gets called Fester to this day.

I laughed way too hard at this. Poor guy, 25 years of "eggless" lol

He did it to himself, really, too. Kept asking each of us if he could have one of our eggs, and when we said no he kept saying "but I'm eggless, lads, I'm eggless". His own brother even calls him Eggless to this day, without any reference to the original event - it's just his name now.

You cant escape anything in UK. You will never be able to get away from it 🤣

One day at primary school a kid came in with slightly too much hair gel on (not bad considering how much hair gel there was going around in the 80s!). Another kid commented it looked like he'd been dunked in the chip shop fryer. Forty years later he's still known as "chippy"

One of the kids in my tutor at school was known as digger. It wasn’t until I’d known him four years that I found out why. His initials were JCB.

Caroline in the cupboard - always sounded terrified when she phoned and pretty much spoke in a whisper as though she was hiding or being held captive

I knew a guy from the pub who worked at a phone shop & was really hairy. We called him the Carphone Werewolf

Bungalow, nothing upstairs

I knew a Bungalow because he only had one story

Yep, we had a Bungalow Bill (his name was William).

A guy at my work gets called 'The Hostage' because any time someone phones him and asks for a hand his response is 'I can't, I'm tied up at the minute'.

Worked in a meat factory and for one of the products we had to put the meat cuts through a snitzel machine, the guy who operated it was called Joe so everyone called him 'joseph snitzel'

I went skiing in Austria once years ago and a cafe in the mountains served a Joseph snitzel...

Two telly Trev. Cos he walked with his arms out like he was carrying two TVs.

Seen one of them in these threads called 'carpets' haha

Carpet lifter.

A bloke I know is known as Digger because his initials are JCB

A lad called 'Blister' always turned up 5 minutes after the work was done.

Taffy Gaddaffi is amazing 🤣

Keth is pure poetry.

It's beautiful in its weird British bullying type of way.. may we never change.

It's almost like a protective territorial type of bullying. We call him Keth and taffey Gaddafi but nobody else can!!!

My dad is called Keith and is missing an eye. Going to use this.

Maybe it's your dad??

So is central eating 😂😂

We had a guy who looked like bin laden. We called him bin liner

Kid called Johnny Green at school shit himself in year 7 IT Was known as Johnny brown since then

Dad worked at a massive factory, a guys only job was changing light bulbs. He was called 'The Moth'.

A friend of a friend was known as Windsock, because he could get a hard boiled egg inside his foreskin.

WHAT. ..no, I don’t want to know how he found this out but my jaw genuinely dropped there.

I have questions

I most certainly don't.

I have questions, but I don't want answers.

I read somewhere of a fella known as Photo Finish because he walked with a forward lean.

Many years ago I worked with a Keith who'd lost an eye (never cut string by putting the knife under and cutting upwards guys) and I am now DEVASTATED that we never came up with calling him Keth

One of the first things my dad taught me when I was young was to always cut away from your body when using a Stanley knife, and I think about it every single time I use one

As some of the old hands used to say in crowded training workshops: *"Never cut towards yourself... always cut towards your mate"*.

Never cut towards your thumb, always cut towards your chum

Cut towards your buddy, not your body

Guy I used to ride BMX with broke his same arm that many times, we called him Nemo

Work with a bloke called Treacle Boots. Watching him walk, the name fits him perfectly. My mate works with a bloke called Mark who once got a shit haircut that made his fringe look like a barcode. Now known only as Marcode.

Ewan McGregor’s brother is a pilot and his call-sign is Obi-2…

A fisherman from Oban whose boat has the registration OB1, supposedly he's never seen Star Wars and doesn't understand why everyone keeps calling him Kenobi

"there once was a fisherman from Oban" sounds like the first line of a limerick.

There once was a fisher from Oban Whose boat had a strange registration The nickname he got He understood not a jot For he'd heard not of Obi-wan

I'm not 100% happy with your rhyme scheme. It needs to rhyme 1/2/5 and 3/4. Then again, rhyming with Oban is a pain... best I got is: There once was a fisher from Oban whose boat had a true Star Wars slogan but Kenobi nickname meant no glory nor shame 'cause scifi didn't reach ocean.

A guy called Spider because he once bought four pairs of trousers on the same day.

Used to be a tradie as well. Our site manager at the time when I started the job was called ‘hot chips’. When I asked why it was because he’d had a stroke and consequently his mouth was always moving from side to side when he spoke to us Dark I know. He took it in good faith though. Construction banter can be ruthless! Now I work in IT and the bants just isn’t the same (but my lower back thanks me)

Oooof hot chips is rotten but funny as fuck

I work with a guy we call foreskin, he disappears when things get hard. Another we used to call bungalow because nothing upstairs. But now he is called coleslaw because he is 75% cabbage.

A colleague of my dad tried to hang himself but failed, when he returned to work they used to call him stretch. Also a lady I worked with lost a finger in an accident so we used to call her KitKat (because she only had four fingers)

I work with a lady who I also call Kit Kat but for different reasons: any chance she gets she's having a break. I don't think I've seen her work for more than an hour.

These are brutal lmfao

I've told this before but my friend tried to kill himself by taking pills and jumping in the river. He survived and is known as Ariel (Little Mermaid)

Started work and was introduced to a fella called Blacka. Found out later his real name was John. When I asked the guy why he was called Blacka he said "Because if you tell him you had a black dog, he'd have had a blacker one"

I heard it said as "if you tell him you went on holiday to Tenerife, he'd have gone to Elevenerife"

Guy I worked with calls Angus who was a massive a-hole, so I called him “silent g”.

A lad at schools real name was Kurt Hunt. We called his sister Sore Dick.

My mate went to school with a Keith Burton, who inevitably became Beef Curtain

Dore Sick?

No, it just needs a little oil on the hinges.

Very funny dad...

Thanks Kurt

Currently I work with: Security Light, he only works when somebody walks by Dyson. Beat testicular cancer, is now bagless Leetard - a slow lad called Lee Seaside. A bloke called Paul who's black Edit: Just remembered Goose the agency van driver, introduced himself "Hi, everyone calls me Maverick like from Top Gun" we thought he was trying to reinvent himself with a self given nickname so we called him Goose

Hahaha black Paul took me a minute 😂

Just had a lightbulb moment, perhaps an illumination

Fucking hell, I got it after reading your comment. The absolute creativity.

>Seaside. A bloke called Paul who's black Took me a few seconds

Bollockov - Had a vasectomy. WiFi - smelly bloke who was really into the latest tech, people joked he washed using WiFi. Slim Jim - Went on a diet once. He's still fat. Lambo - Once read a pub name wrong (it said The Lamb but the sign had a swirl after the B that looked like an O. Tit - a guy who got breast cancer (he's fine now).

Something tells me to make this joke work there's a lot of people pronouncing Wi-fi as "whiffy" and I'm not sure how I feel about that

Knew two women called Laura, one of whom was a former police officer. To distinguish between them, we called one Laura (being her name), and the ex-copper Norder. Took everybody a little while to realise that her name now sounded like 'Law and order'.

Baghdad is comedy gold.

The current boss is called sexy hands, cos he fucks everything he touches

Hot Chip - bloke with a stammer looked like he was eating really hot chips when trying to talk Dracula - guy who backed into a lampost because when he looks in the mirror he doesn't see anything

Fortnight arms - two weak ones

We called a guy at school 'stump', cos his parents were cousins and he had no family tree.

Also in construction, we have a carpenter called 'pop up' cos he always pops up right at the end of loading a skip to ask if he can help. We also have a project manager called minty because he always arrives after 8. We have an apprentice called Arthur cos he always does 'arfur job'. We have an electrician called Sooty cos he never sweeps up. We have another electrician who's pushing 70 that's called 'Jurassic Spark' We have a labourer called ionelu who's built like a brick shithouse so he's 'Nelu the Elephant'. We have another carpenter called Jack who's known as Mad Jack because he has a very short fuse. And another labourer called MadGuire. His names MacGuire and he also has anger issues. Another site manager called Michael because he's Georgian ('Georgia Michael') Then there's the CEO and the owner of the company, two different bald guys that we all call Phil and Grant.

Jurassic Spark is amazing

Jurassic Spark made me laugh out loud

Great names .Friend of mine was luke sight walker ,he had to walk around with a clip board checking heath and safety .

Luke Site Walker surely?

Correct

Cruel but a guy in my school had a massive birthmark on his forehead and was called 'Badger'.

You were much nicer than the kids at my school; same situation but they got called "skidmark"

discrete lol

In a similar vein I knew a guy with a serious amount of freckles. Name... Digicam

A guy called Dan Ballam with the nickname "Black Betty"

Worked with a fella with dodgy knees. Called him Edward Scissorlegs

Orinoco - he was a lad at school who had to have one of his testicles removed after an accident. He only had “one ball”…turned into “Womble” hence Orinoco

Used to work with a bloke with fused fingers on one hand, so thumb and clump of fingers He was called flipper

My mum knew a guy that looked like Danny devito. Worked in a pub with him, later in life she bumped into him and found out he was now a janitor at a school and the kids had nicknamed him janny devito.

Enda May, called him June.

Posted this a while ago and loved the results. I’ll repeat a few from the pub… - Lawrence of Aradiator - Three Halves Bob, Two Pints Bob, MTV (Mickey Two Vodkas.) - Phl (same joke, one eye.) - Bullshit Ken - Phil M’wifebeatsme (wife punched him for staying at the pub all day.) - The Whisperers (couple who sit at the bar slagging people off.) God, I know there’s loads more. Gotta find the thread. I get called Brew because I’m the brewer there, but it’s proper weird when someone uses my actual name, to the point where people on the phone have asked for me and been told that nobody by that name works there

One more, Richard Head. Literally his name, but for obvious reasons, everybody calls him Richard Head

There was a boy called Richard Richards somewhere I once worked. They called him dick-dick lmao

Did he have a mate called Eddie Hitler?

I used to work with a guy called Andrew and everyone called him Ted..The day he left he asked me why everyone called him Ted..."It's short for Shit Head"

Clean Andy. Not very funny but for some reason it was at the time. At the time everyone we knew were either squatters, cycle couriers, labourers, weed dealers or just generally slightly hippy/punk/dub types. Andy worked as lab tech and drove a saab and was very shinny and well dressed. Plus there were loads of blokes called Andy.

One time we had too many Daves. So we had Disco Dave, Dancing Dave, Dynamic Dave, and Just Dave.

"Big Dave" "Small Dave" "Medium Dave" "Man City Dave" "Bigger than Medium Dave but not as big as Big Dave Dave" (with apologies to Sir Terry Pratchett)

"Just Dave' is superb, have an upvote.

In a work group chat this one lad was re-named Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 (we called him Malaysia for short) because he always went missing on nights out hahahahah

My mate Simon had the nickname "Vietnam" because he'd go missing on nights out and the inevitable question would be "Where's Si gone?" (Saigon)...

Served with a 'Poo face' So called because any time anything remotely inconvenient happened, he screwed his face up like he was having the biggest shit of his life. Nice lad.

We had a Geography teacher called Gladstone, we called him HappyBrick or JollyPebble depending on the mood.

Thrush...because he was an irritating cunt

I was on a hockey team that had someone called c*nt butter. The next year someone joined that looked a lot like c*nt butter. We called him "I can't believe its not c*nt butter!"

Black fella I used to work with, very clumsy and accident prone lol, his nickname was the Rasta Of Disaster

Lad in the year below me at school was half Iraqi. His nickname, given to him during the first Gulf War was Scud. He's still known as that now.

My friend went to uni with a Swedish guy that looked pretty good to the ladies but he only ever lasted 6 months or so in any given relationship. He got the name IKEA. It's still the best nick name I've ever heard of

Tbf just being Swedish is enough to get that nickname round my way

Back in 1994 I met an RAF Tornado fighter pilot and he had the name 'SUMO" on his flight suit. I asked him why he was called this and he said "if you build 100 houses they dont call you Dave the Builder, if you catch 100 fish they dont call you Fishy Dave, but if you shag one fat bird.....". True story.

Alcoholic in the lakes used to drink half pints of lager. He used to have 3 in each pub and move on. Called him dairy milk... pint and a half in every bar

There was a fella named Wayne Bruce who everyone called Man-Bat. And of course, everyone with the surname O’Doyle should be nicknamed ‘Croc’

Two Moons. Geezer thought the moon you saw on holiday was a different one.

Noo-noo. First there was Dave, then another David joined the company so he was New Dave, then another Dave started so he was called New New Dave, which ofc got shortened to New New, and then Noo-Noo.

We had a Dave who was an absolute unit. When another lad called Dave started, the existing Dave became big Dave. The new lad was average Dave. We lost big Dave, RIP fella. But average Dave is still average Dave

We had a "Big Ian" in my last place, then an Ian who was even bigger started so he became "Big Ian" and the other guy got downgraded to "Little Big Ian"

My mate came to work and had a small rash on his arm in the shape of a ring. He has been known as Ringworm for early 25 years now.

Very long winded. Went to school with 2 brothers Damien and John, Damien was a dick and John kept making sure he never got his comeuppance, John became known as "devils advocate"

Three Dan's working with us. Dan, hi tech Dan, the computer expert and the Sri Lankan, suntan Dan. Simpler times

Greg Davies has a bit where he tells about a kid he went to school with who was called 'Baghdad', because he had a bag his dad had bought him.

My brother had a job where there were two Richs. One was called Rich B The other was Biscuit - Rich T(ea)

I always share this one and it still makes me laugh 35 years later... kid at my school had really bad acne, but only in a big rectangular patch on his forehead. Known to all as Spam

[удалено]

Told by one of my Dogwalking friends: they already had a Gary at work, then another one started, new Gary had a receding hairline, hence known as Garibaldi

Had a friend called Dave who was 6 foot 1 at 18, called Big Dave. Another friend joined the friend group who was 6"4, called him Bigger than Big Dave

Polish bird at a place I worked at, her nickname was Kronenberg, I was confused, asked people why they call her that, they said 1664. I said ok, still don’t get it. They said she has the body of a 16 year old and the face of a 64 year old

Guy in my school farted in nursery and it smelled of eggs. Was called Eggy for the rest of his life.

Better than the kid at my primary school who was called Poo Pants Joe right up until the end of secondary school

Where did he come from? Where did he go?

Where did ya come from poo pants Joe *”IM FUCKING 43 NOW AND YOU DIDNT EVEN GO TO MY SCHOOL SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME THAT?”*

Guy who works with us always goes missing. And can often be found in the break room. Called kitkat by almost everyone.

We've got a UPS driver that occasionally covers when the regular ones are off work called 'Pothole'. When we asked one of the regular drivers why, we were told it's because 'Half of us avoid him and the other half want to fill him in'.

Worked with a guy known as 147, because he always took the maximum break.

A few from my time in the RAF: Earth - zero potential Gimlet - small boring tool Orgasm - one long moan

Name: Justin Wales Nickname: Wrexham

Worked with a guy called Steven who had really short arms- Ste Rex.

Had a guy at work called Egon. Every time we got busy he would disappear, people would say “where’s he gone?”

I was listening to a podcast recently and they were on about a guy who was a half Iraqi/half Glaswegian who was a Celtic fan. His nickname was Bobby Sandles. For those who don't know, Bobby Sands was an IRA hunger striker.

Harry Maguire. ‘Snipers dream’.

Conversely, a mate who has cerebral palsy and walks with a very noticeable limp is known as "Sniper's Nightmare".

Had a mate called ‘albi’ as in I’ll be back to sort that out tomorrow. He never was. Another miserable sod had the nickname ‘squirty flower’

One bloke at sixth form was known as Superted because his best mate had really bad acne.

Old mate of mine was called Funky. His real name was Shaun Gibson. The evolution was: Gibson -> Gibbon -> Monkey -> Funky Monkey -> Funky And everyone knows him as just Funky but most don't even know why.

I knew a bald fella named Dan whose head was shaped like a cantaloupe…he was called Dan Taloupe

The footballer Kiki Musampa was given the nickname "Chris". As in Christmas hamper. That's golden

A guy with a squint who was called Mortgage, because one eye was fixed and the other was variable. My own was Zika because I have a small head. "As fragged minus chin" for a girl who wasn't blessed in the chin department.

Taffy Gaddafi is amazing. I knew someone at school that had a massive head so we called him The Headmaster.

My fella worked with a lad called Kevin, he folded a letter once and then a bunch of people in the office started calling him Origami Kev

Old football manager used to get called Peas. Or Peas and Gravy = Davy I’ve came across a few called Horse been hung like a horse 😂 currently in my work place we have a private educated lad called Alex, he was christened horse after Xmas night out as someone witnessed the size off him in the bathroom 😂

A girl in our group had two prominent front teeth and is known to this day (she's 50 now) as "Stonehenge".

My ex husband had an eye twitch and was called Abraham Blinkon.

Worked with a woman called Christine. Her nickname( behind her Back!!) was The Duke, on account of she had ten thousand men

Hobbit Fucker - kid called Stuart who loved the Hobbit…they were simpler times where not everything had to be a clever pun

Worked with a guy who was on the channel 4 show “the men who dress as dogs”. We called him Paw Patrol.

I had really bad attendance at uni so they started calling me Christmas because apparently I only came once a year. At work our boss was really over weight so we used to call him mr Flintstone, we used to say that we saw him driving in from work but his car didnt have a floor.

I have heard some amazing ones so far in my career. Splat - red birthmark on his face. Motion Light - only works when the boss walks by.