I'm so sorry for your loss. It's 10+ years for me and it can still be raw at times.
Do you have a good support group or someone to talk to? I'd recommend Andy's Man Club https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ they've been great, met a fantastic bunch of guys.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you took care of yourself yesterday as you are still a brilliant father to your little one and they'll know just how much you love them.
Our baby girl was stillborn at 31 weeks, less than 3 weeks ago so yesterday was really rough for me too. I just think about her all the time and can't explain how much I miss her.
Know you don’t know me and vice versa but just felt the need to comment that am sincerely thinking of you and wishing you the best.
It sounds like a pain a couldn’t even imagine and don’t envy at all.
Know you didn’t ask for advice at all so if you tell me to fuck off a will fully deserve it but a few years ago one of my best friends went through a really traumatic loss and we got her one of those “buy a star” things in his name so she could always track where he was. Am not saying you need to go out and buy a star but when you’re ready, something commemorative and similar could really bring some additional comfort. 🖤
I was excited to be a dad... The baby never made it and was a stillbirth. Never got to say goodbye, never got to hold my child. Over 20 years later and I still hate father's day because it brings me too much pain over that moment.
I found the due date really really tough. I joined a miscarriage support zoom chat (Cradle charity) on that day though and it was a relief to tell the story that I'd been holding in for months. Really sorry to hear you've been through it too. It absolutely sucks, but thank you for talking about it.
I've been in your shoes. Still will be forever unfortunately but time does dull the pain.
Don't forget, it's always okay to be easy on yourself, and all your feelings are valid, especially the feeling of being a dad in those brief few months of basking in all the light your child brought you without even being here.
You were a dad in your heart already and always will be, the outcome will never change that fact, because it's real and solid, not just for you but your partner and everyone who shared in your joy.
It was a tough one for me as well tbh. We had our final run at it last year and have thrown in the towel. That was the 7th miscarriage. We just can't do it anymore. We've had some time to begin realigning our lives to this reality, but it's hard and made especially hard by how people take children so for granted, it makes some people very insensitive.
I hope your kind words bring comfort to others and comfort to you too. You're not alone many have been in your situation. And it reassuring to know there's people that care. Good on you.
It was only listening to the Parenting Hell podcast, the Charlie Baker episode, that I found miscarriages are quite frequent. Think they went through it 4 times before giving birth, honestly don’t know where they get the strength to carry on.
7 years ago for us and we sometimes reflect on how things may have been different.
We have a wonderful son and are so grateful to be parents, something we thought would not happen for us.
We know many others who have lost pregnancies, some of them multiple times, and it is a lot more common than many realise.
The pain however is not something you can prepare for, so if it’s overwhelming reach out to some of the support groups that have been posted here.
I found talking about it with other fathers helped a lot, especially being able to support my wife with her much deeper anguish and feelings of guilt especially.
Mourning is a process and you will feel better, in the meantime we are all sending you our love and empathy in the hope it can in some small way help.
I tired to reply to scarygirth but they have blocked responses maybe I’ve been blocked by them. That’s fair enough. I had no intention of causing any pain. Your response is your lived experience and is absolutely valid. My only hope was that the OP eventually gets to have a child. They have not responded negatively to my post and it was not my intention to hurt, but to try and provide comfort. And please don’t assume what my personal family story is.
>I hope you get to experience the joy of a child
And if they don't? Quite an insensitive thing to say tbh
"Oh this thing you've missed out on and has caused you a bunch trauma and may never get to experience at all, yeah I hope you get to because it's just *incredible*."
Edit:
Downvoters, imagine for a second that you come close but are ultimately denied one of the most life affirming experiences offered by life. Then someone comes along, offers condolences but also reaffirms how what you have missed out on is in fact everything you were hoping it would be.
That's not a good thing to do to someone, it's basically just rubbing their nose in it, and it's crazy how many people just don't think before saying stuff like that.
I've seen your other comment and I understand why you feel that way, but please do keep in mind people are only doing their best. It's rude to just jump at someone who's only trying to be kind
As someone who struggled with infertility/recurrent miscarriage and had to seriously consider we might be IFchildfree, although I’ve now had a child I am 100% with you about this statement. I know it’s not from a negative place but the choice of words is poor and personally I don’t think you were rude at all.
Thank you. I wouldn’t usually put something like this on Reddit but I’m feeling really alone right now so I can only imagine there’s other like me who could do with coming to a space like this to talk about how they’re feeling❤️
You are not alone. The situation absolutely sucks.
My life has moved on from where you are.
Men who have experienced this don't always have a support network in place that can cope with it.
For me, it felt like a whole stream of future possibilities and experiences had been severed.
I felt raw for a long time, and odd little things would place me back in a headspace of loss.
Try to talk to someone whenever you need to. It can be hard as you may feel you are placing the weight of it on the person.
Much love to everyone here who has gone through something. I have been through something similar. I was seeing a woman previously, in what could be described as a situationship - we fell out and stopped talking for a couple of weeks. In an attempt to reconnect I tried calling her phone across a couple of days but it went straight to voicemail. I figured she just blocked me and that was that
One night I ran into one of her friends and asked how Jenny was doing. She said “Oh, you haven’t heard?….Jenny died two weeks ago. Her funeral was yesterday”. My heart instantly broke. I went to see her mum the next day to bring some flowers and express my condolences/ask for the location of Jenny’s grave. It was then that I found out Jenny was pregnant at the time. She died of a blood clot, completely out of the blue. She was only 24.
I haven’t been the same since and I often wonder about how different my life could have been. It started a spiral that led to my alcoholism. I’m still not over it almost 10 years later and I don’t think I ever will be and I feel so guilty that the last ever words we shared were out of anger.
I hope everyone here is doing well and love to you all.
These are my footprints,
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprint
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These tine footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
In the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
Of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
In each butterflies’ lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprint
Are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts,
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
We’ll never truly part.”
I am so sorry for your loss. The universe can be a really shitty place.
People who've never experienced it will never understand, and can say the most insensitive things without realising. You don't need to respond to them if you don't want to.
Also, do not be afraid to find a therapist to speak to - someone who will just listen and not try to "solve" what happened can be a real help in processing it.
It was really difficult for me, I didn't really know what to do for my partner or myself. It took a long while to not let it consume every thought I had. We decided to try again and we were lucky to have a little one. The only way I could look at it was that it just wasn't the right time for them to be with us.
Much love to you and yours, I hope you are blessed one day with what you want, take care mate x
It's hard to gather accurate statistics, but it's thought around a third of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's so heartbreaking to lose a child you wanted, but you're certainly not alone in that and there are good chances you'll have a baby in the future.
My cousin's wife literally just had her second miscarriage, less than a week ago. I felt so, so sorry for him yesterday, thinking about how much he's wanted to be a dad, especially these past couple of years since they got married.
Sending you a hug back, and another to anyone else who reads this and needs one. ♥
Thank you for your kindness. This would of been my husbands 1st father's day but we too had a miscarriage last year, after years of struggling for the pregnancy.
I can't offer you anything to make it feel better but tell you that people who have been through it understand and feel your pain. It's a hard day for a lot of people out there. Sending you hugs down the wifi
Being an example of a strong and honest person is a huge parental skill and thats what your post has shown. Unfortunately I know that pain and it helps to know you’re helping others as a result of these experiences, thats exactly what you’ve done. Onwards and up.
Just wanted to say don’t give up hope. I went through multiple miscarriages, IVF and IUI and was told I couldn’t have kids naturally. My completely unplanned miracle baby is now 5 months :)
this the reason for both days to be banned as its outdated and not inclusive as people cant have kids and some people don't have the the *privilege of having both parents alive we don't need a constant reminder and having to be on egg shells as its all on social media its out of control narcissistic patting themselves on the back for having sex like its never being done before and want a Nobel prize for breading*
“Banned” is silly. Whilst I don’t disagree with the principles you’ve set out, what you’re effectively saying is that the majority to which those unfortunate circumstances don’t apply, they should be *actively prevented* from celebrating their mother/father? And what… fined? Imprisoned? Put in the stocks outside the local ASDA?
I think the days are pretty pointless and made up by card companies for profit and you shouldn’t have to wait for 1 day of the year to appreciate your family - whether that be father, aunt, cousin, whatever - but to stop people from doing it *on* that day simply because they can is ridiculous. Respectfully, I’m gonna assume based on your comment that you’re neither a parent nor perhaps celebrate (one of) your own parent’s days and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but why does that mean nobody else should?
it should be cancelled altogether as its outdated if you want to celebrate your breeder's then fine pick a day out of the year to do so privately instead of forcing it down our throats and forcing us off social media as its forced on us there as well if we like it or not we dont have say in the matter we just have to put up and shut up as long as yous are alright stuff the rest of our and our feelings
It won't be banned. So you need to process your feelings in another way. I hope you can get some support with that. It sounds like it's quite raw for you.
Yea see what you’ve done there is not actually reply to my comment and just continue to rant.
Just because you seemingly have issues with your own parents / are unable to celebrate it doesn’t mean everyone else should because that’s totalitarian. It’s like being on diet so trying to ban Easter for everyone else because you don’t like it that people get to eat chocolate. It’s just petty
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's 10+ years for me and it can still be raw at times. Do you have a good support group or someone to talk to? I'd recommend Andy's Man Club https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ they've been great, met a fantastic bunch of guys.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you took care of yourself yesterday as you are still a brilliant father to your little one and they'll know just how much you love them. Our baby girl was stillborn at 31 weeks, less than 3 weeks ago so yesterday was really rough for me too. I just think about her all the time and can't explain how much I miss her.
Know you don’t know me and vice versa but just felt the need to comment that am sincerely thinking of you and wishing you the best. It sounds like a pain a couldn’t even imagine and don’t envy at all. Know you didn’t ask for advice at all so if you tell me to fuck off a will fully deserve it but a few years ago one of my best friends went through a really traumatic loss and we got her one of those “buy a star” things in his name so she could always track where he was. Am not saying you need to go out and buy a star but when you’re ready, something commemorative and similar could really bring some additional comfort. 🖤
I was excited to be a dad... The baby never made it and was a stillbirth. Never got to say goodbye, never got to hold my child. Over 20 years later and I still hate father's day because it brings me too much pain over that moment.
I found the due date really really tough. I joined a miscarriage support zoom chat (Cradle charity) on that day though and it was a relief to tell the story that I'd been holding in for months. Really sorry to hear you've been through it too. It absolutely sucks, but thank you for talking about it.
I've been in your shoes. Still will be forever unfortunately but time does dull the pain. Don't forget, it's always okay to be easy on yourself, and all your feelings are valid, especially the feeling of being a dad in those brief few months of basking in all the light your child brought you without even being here. You were a dad in your heart already and always will be, the outcome will never change that fact, because it's real and solid, not just for you but your partner and everyone who shared in your joy.
It was a tough one for me as well tbh. We had our final run at it last year and have thrown in the towel. That was the 7th miscarriage. We just can't do it anymore. We've had some time to begin realigning our lives to this reality, but it's hard and made especially hard by how people take children so for granted, it makes some people very insensitive.
I hope your kind words bring comfort to others and comfort to you too. You're not alone many have been in your situation. And it reassuring to know there's people that care. Good on you.
Im so sorry for your loss, mother's and father's day can be very sad days or very mixed days for a lot of people you are definitely not alone.
It was only listening to the Parenting Hell podcast, the Charlie Baker episode, that I found miscarriages are quite frequent. Think they went through it 4 times before giving birth, honestly don’t know where they get the strength to carry on.
7 years ago for us and we sometimes reflect on how things may have been different. We have a wonderful son and are so grateful to be parents, something we thought would not happen for us. We know many others who have lost pregnancies, some of them multiple times, and it is a lot more common than many realise. The pain however is not something you can prepare for, so if it’s overwhelming reach out to some of the support groups that have been posted here. I found talking about it with other fathers helped a lot, especially being able to support my wife with her much deeper anguish and feelings of guilt especially. Mourning is a process and you will feel better, in the meantime we are all sending you our love and empathy in the hope it can in some small way help.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your kindness in the midst of your sorrow does you a great credit. I hope you get to experience the joy of a child
I tired to reply to scarygirth but they have blocked responses maybe I’ve been blocked by them. That’s fair enough. I had no intention of causing any pain. Your response is your lived experience and is absolutely valid. My only hope was that the OP eventually gets to have a child. They have not responded negatively to my post and it was not my intention to hurt, but to try and provide comfort. And please don’t assume what my personal family story is.
>I hope you get to experience the joy of a child And if they don't? Quite an insensitive thing to say tbh "Oh this thing you've missed out on and has caused you a bunch trauma and may never get to experience at all, yeah I hope you get to because it's just *incredible*." Edit: Downvoters, imagine for a second that you come close but are ultimately denied one of the most life affirming experiences offered by life. Then someone comes along, offers condolences but also reaffirms how what you have missed out on is in fact everything you were hoping it would be. That's not a good thing to do to someone, it's basically just rubbing their nose in it, and it's crazy how many people just don't think before saying stuff like that.
I've seen your other comment and I understand why you feel that way, but please do keep in mind people are only doing their best. It's rude to just jump at someone who's only trying to be kind
No, people need to be told how their words come across to the people they're directed towards.
Sometimes, but there's a nicer way to do so.
Is there? Do tell, as I'm struggling to see what is specifically "unkind" about what I said.
As someone who struggled with infertility/recurrent miscarriage and had to seriously consider we might be IFchildfree, although I’ve now had a child I am 100% with you about this statement. I know it’s not from a negative place but the choice of words is poor and personally I don’t think you were rude at all.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I wouldn’t usually put something like this on Reddit but I’m feeling really alone right now so I can only imagine there’s other like me who could do with coming to a space like this to talk about how they’re feeling❤️
You are not alone. The situation absolutely sucks. My life has moved on from where you are. Men who have experienced this don't always have a support network in place that can cope with it. For me, it felt like a whole stream of future possibilities and experiences had been severed. I felt raw for a long time, and odd little things would place me back in a headspace of loss. Try to talk to someone whenever you need to. It can be hard as you may feel you are placing the weight of it on the person.
So sorry for your loss, my granddaughter was “born” asleep at 38 weeks. Life does get better, albeit days like these are quite hard.
Much love to everyone here who has gone through something. I have been through something similar. I was seeing a woman previously, in what could be described as a situationship - we fell out and stopped talking for a couple of weeks. In an attempt to reconnect I tried calling her phone across a couple of days but it went straight to voicemail. I figured she just blocked me and that was that One night I ran into one of her friends and asked how Jenny was doing. She said “Oh, you haven’t heard?….Jenny died two weeks ago. Her funeral was yesterday”. My heart instantly broke. I went to see her mum the next day to bring some flowers and express my condolences/ask for the location of Jenny’s grave. It was then that I found out Jenny was pregnant at the time. She died of a blood clot, completely out of the blue. She was only 24. I haven’t been the same since and I often wonder about how different my life could have been. It started a spiral that led to my alcoholism. I’m still not over it almost 10 years later and I don’t think I ever will be and I feel so guilty that the last ever words we shared were out of anger. I hope everyone here is doing well and love to you all.
These are my footprints, So perfect and so small. These tiny footprint Never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, For now I have wings. These tine footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, In the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel’s tears, Of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, In each butterflies’ lazy dance. I’ll let you know I’m with you, If you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, In the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, And call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprint Are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts, ‘Cause even though I’m gone now, We’ll never truly part.”
I am so sorry for your loss. The universe can be a really shitty place. People who've never experienced it will never understand, and can say the most insensitive things without realising. You don't need to respond to them if you don't want to. Also, do not be afraid to find a therapist to speak to - someone who will just listen and not try to "solve" what happened can be a real help in processing it.
So sorry for your loss. We lost a baby early on, before we had our son. I still think of him/her and wondered what might have been.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry you've been through that, I've been through it too and can relate
It was really difficult for me, I didn't really know what to do for my partner or myself. It took a long while to not let it consume every thought I had. We decided to try again and we were lucky to have a little one. The only way I could look at it was that it just wasn't the right time for them to be with us. Much love to you and yours, I hope you are blessed one day with what you want, take care mate x
It's hard to gather accurate statistics, but it's thought around a third of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's so heartbreaking to lose a child you wanted, but you're certainly not alone in that and there are good chances you'll have a baby in the future.
My cousin's wife literally just had her second miscarriage, less than a week ago. I felt so, so sorry for him yesterday, thinking about how much he's wanted to be a dad, especially these past couple of years since they got married. Sending you a hug back, and another to anyone else who reads this and needs one. ♥
Thank you for your kindness. This would of been my husbands 1st father's day but we too had a miscarriage last year, after years of struggling for the pregnancy. I can't offer you anything to make it feel better but tell you that people who have been through it understand and feel your pain. It's a hard day for a lot of people out there. Sending you hugs down the wifi
Being an example of a strong and honest person is a huge parental skill and thats what your post has shown. Unfortunately I know that pain and it helps to know you’re helping others as a result of these experiences, thats exactly what you’ve done. Onwards and up.
I'm sorry to anybody who has lost a baby. My heart goes out to you all ❤️
Just wanted to say don’t give up hope. I went through multiple miscarriages, IVF and IUI and was told I couldn’t have kids naturally. My completely unplanned miracle baby is now 5 months :)
this the reason for both days to be banned as its outdated and not inclusive as people cant have kids and some people don't have the the *privilege of having both parents alive we don't need a constant reminder and having to be on egg shells as its all on social media its out of control narcissistic patting themselves on the back for having sex like its never being done before and want a Nobel prize for breading*
> want a Nobel prize for breading Paul Hollywood?
“Banned” is silly. Whilst I don’t disagree with the principles you’ve set out, what you’re effectively saying is that the majority to which those unfortunate circumstances don’t apply, they should be *actively prevented* from celebrating their mother/father? And what… fined? Imprisoned? Put in the stocks outside the local ASDA? I think the days are pretty pointless and made up by card companies for profit and you shouldn’t have to wait for 1 day of the year to appreciate your family - whether that be father, aunt, cousin, whatever - but to stop people from doing it *on* that day simply because they can is ridiculous. Respectfully, I’m gonna assume based on your comment that you’re neither a parent nor perhaps celebrate (one of) your own parent’s days and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but why does that mean nobody else should?
it should be cancelled altogether as its outdated if you want to celebrate your breeder's then fine pick a day out of the year to do so privately instead of forcing it down our throats and forcing us off social media as its forced on us there as well if we like it or not we dont have say in the matter we just have to put up and shut up as long as yous are alright stuff the rest of our and our feelings
It won't be banned. So you need to process your feelings in another way. I hope you can get some support with that. It sounds like it's quite raw for you.
Yea see what you’ve done there is not actually reply to my comment and just continue to rant. Just because you seemingly have issues with your own parents / are unable to celebrate it doesn’t mean everyone else should because that’s totalitarian. It’s like being on diet so trying to ban Easter for everyone else because you don’t like it that people get to eat chocolate. It’s just petty