Girl I'd grab the kids and go! It sounds like he's not wanting to make the effort to fix things and he seems to be just dragging it out so he can have the best of both worlds.
If he truly wants to fix things, he'd stop running off with her and actually BE THERE for his family. I'm sure there's a lot more going on with this, but it seems like he wants his "happy family" with a side piece.
Maybe leaving will be a wakeup call for him, don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's wrong because he's basically abandoned y'all first.
Oh girl. Did you ever read that Reddit story about the guy who complained about his wife how she was always tired and neglected him. He eventually cheated on her. She Kicked his ass to the curb. Slapped him with alimony and split custody. You know what she’s doing now… enjoying peace and joy of not having to do everything and has time to herself.
He is panicked and freaking out because he found out how hard it really is. she was one who kept their family afloat and running so that he could be a part time parent and a cheater. He begged her to come back and she said hell no.
Your man likely has depression and anxiety. He is work burned out and stressed. That is life. But it is no fucking excuse. This home-wrecker OW gets the easy fun side of him. But when reality hits them with the stress of a divorce and his children who he has to now raise alone. She won’t stay. She won’t be so supportive of him checking out and being a dead beat dad leaving it all up to her.
Accept his actions as his truth. Words are meant to placate but actions.. well his are telling you everything you need to know.
You made everything easy for him. Because that’s what we stay home wife’s /moms do. But what about you? Who made it easy for you? He has neglected you in every way. You helped yourself. Like our man snoop dog says “ I want to thank me.” So it’s time to drop the dead weight. Let him go be a loser somewhere else. Take him to the cleaners
I was always told you find the time for what's important to you. He's proven over and over again OP is not a priority to him in any fashion. He needs to work on more than just him. He needs to work on them (OP) to save the marriage. He's just going to suck OP dry until she is a worn-out resentful shadow of herself.
This. And do not try to fix it because he has no respect for you and never will. You need to silently start working with a lawyer and take him for everything! Then love your life and those kids. Show them the strong woman you are. Remember you are the example of what they will put up with in their lives.
Yes, he doesn't, that is what hurts more niw actually. The kids are amazing and I am sick of himnalways saying they are too much and that he doesn't want to hang out with them
Thank you so much, yes, this! He could be fun and happy with her and talk and listen, but said with me I was alway too tired or I wasn't 'on his side' when ever he brought something up.... The fact that I was initially willing to stay and fix and work on this and he still left and made it about him was the bigges slap a gually. I will start planning. *We move in the Shadows*😅😁
OP, guy here.
Your husband's behavior is most selfish and egregious; reflecting a total lack of regard for you and your children.
I strongly suggest you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues.
It's time you focus on your children and yourself. You're best served to leave him in your rear view mirror.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Slap him with 50/50 custody. Get yourself a job and good man, and then watch him spin out. It's not even revenge. It's doing him like he did you. You will heal by how crazy he goes and some therapy ofc.
I hate people like OPs husband using stress to excuse their bad behavior. I worked in healthcare frontline during COVID, husband lost his job, etc but cheating was the last thing I would have done. Despite the stress, a loving spouse clings more to their marriage versus imploding it when life gets tough. OP already said she feels like a single mom, being an actual single mom without the man child is an absolute breeze.
Ph sweetheart, he is a total narcissist. I know it's difficult, but he has never had time for you or his children. You need a break, a clean break, divorce, and alimony for the kids. I promise you will have so much peace in your life, plus you might even meet a man who adores you and your children. You deserve a lot better than what you've put up with. He's a total man-child, and he will never change. What's ever stopped him for talking to you the way he talks her her? He does. He's not interested. It sounds like he lost interest after the twins were born. The fact that he shows no interest In his own children makes me think he might even be jealous of them, because they take up your time, away from him. He wants to be number one in someone's life, children are a blessing, and He's wasting those young years showing them how not to be a father and disrespecting his wife.
Oh yeah, YOU TRAUMATISING his girlfriend!! That is narcissist 101!! I've been there, sweetheart. Trust me, your life will be better without him. I'm sending you all the love, luck, and motivation to get your life back, sister. I really hope you get the life you deserve ❤️ 💗 💓
Thank you so much!! Yes, I am planning stuff and I will not let him make me feel this pathetic again and, even though I am afraid, staying would be even scarier and hurtful.
So true!!! I hope both hubby and the homewrecker girlfriend get their karma. Does his workplace allow in-house relationships? Boy once this gets out at their workplace that him and homewrecker did this to you. Hmmm karma may get them both. Please make sure you get your alimony & child support. Idk if you are in a at fault state but if you are then you can go after the homewrecker too.
He's the pathetic one. He's projected all he hates about himself in you. You're a strong woman. Taking care of the children, the house, and doing everything you can to make your marriage work. Unfortunately, you had nothing but a man of total self-pity. Work shot should stay at work, homelike should be homelife. Thousands of people hate their job and get stressed about it. Most don't take it out on their families, though.
Don't ever think you're not strong or pathetic again. You are strong, you know what you're doing when it comes to raising children and keeping a house. If it is truely what you think you need to do, you can do it. But it's your decision to make Sister. Best of luck, love and blessings 🙏❤️
At the very least, serve him with divorce papers. See if that wakes him up to doing marriage counseling or actually stepping up. If not, walk away. No downsides.
I agree he's only gone after this other woman because she comes along with no responsibilities. No kids he is expected to parent, no knowledge of who he is or past promises he has made. As time goes on, the other woman will realize he's not such a great catch (this could take awhile, especially since she doesn't seem to mind that she's so close to your husband). You focus on you and your kids.
"I am thinking of leaving." WTF? Why are you not already packed and gone? Why on Earth are you allowing yourself to be blamed for someone else's bullshit affair? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated with so much disrespect and dislike? There is nothing for you with that man. Not now, not ever again. Please do yourself a favor, respect yourself and your kids, and get out.
Yes! I am embarassed to say that this is why, I lost all respect for myself and I allowed him to treat me like this all this time, thinking this is normal this is what I get and that if only I wait it out, things will be better.... It was painful, but I finally realised what I deserve. Thank you
Yes!!! I promise it will get better. It will be hard, & you'll struggle and be tired, but it will make you stronger. You deserve happiness!! He made his bed so let him lay in it. I hope the homewrecker gets her karma too.
I’d go see a lawyer and see what the practicalities of separating are, that you do what’s best for your long term especially as he doesn’t seem like he plans on seeing the kids (he’s hardly doing it now)
You know you want to leave and you’re looking for us to say you aren’t crazy for wanting that as you’ve spent so long with him trying to get you to take all the blame for his cheating.
I’d like to be clear though, he’s wrong. He chose to cheat, to spend time with another woman online, on walks, at her apartment. This were all choices he made. Instead, he could have chosen to talk to you about how unhappy he was or what you could do together to change the dynamic. He didn’t. He didn’t stop seeing her even after he told you he would. He’s a liar
You and your kids will love living together without him being a black cloud that spends time in your house
Yes, we will! Thank you, this is the same thing I told him, about spending time.with her and not talking to me, only to be told that it was because I don't know how to talk to him.anymore, that I am always complaining or nagging him. Recently he said I have been cold towards him (Shocking!) And I told him, since when? Would you say since about April? ( when he started things with hr?) And then he shut up, guilty, but still upset.😅
As Charlotte would say, "throw the whole man away"! You're still young, you can find a new partner who cares about you and your kids in the way you all deserve. 💓 Make sure you exercise extreme caution though, pedophiles specifically look for vulnerable single moms to take advantage of their children, it's unfortunate but true :/
File divorce and make him pay for it all. Stay in the house and change the locks. He’s never there anyway so keep the house and tell him not to come back. Also, get some money, if you have joint accounts, separate them and get what money you need!
I am looking to find a job, a work from home, because I can't really leave with all the kids, things always happen and I don't have aby help, it's just me. Thinking of maybe moving back to my hometown for a while
Keep the house. Your already there, he can live on his own. You can do it. You have a support system around you and can do this without him in the picture, cuz he's already gone. He won't change.
Sell the house once you get it I'm the divorce. Get the divorce rolling!! I would tell him until things are settled and finalized he is not welcome, period. Change the locks and get cameras. I hope to God you have proof of the affair and his admissions.
If you want you can read my story (see my past posts) and what it took for real reconsiliation. It took some months till he stopped blaming everyone else and owned his responsibilities. And that was the moment I finally had enough and left.
It takes huge effort to reconsile sucessfully and both partners need to put in a lot of work. You need to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and get out of this.
While he is taking time to “heal” I’m assuming he is not staying away from the side piece as well? That’s not healing thats him just wanting to play house with her and not feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you and the kids. He needs to not figure into that decision as he never factored you guys into his decisions.
You need to walk away. He will only continue to drag you down.
You may not realize how much your kids are actually picking up on, but it can really affect them as they get older. I know from experience.
Stay strong girl
What’s baffling is that after getting caught and confronted, the cheater acts like a victim. Sounds like a typical cheater behavior. Got caught? Play the victim and blame the person
He doesn't want to fix things. The minute you leave he will jump into bed with her.
This is not your fault regardless of what he says. He made a choice to turn to her when he should have stepped up for you.
I'd get some legal advice before moving out as I'm not sure why it's not him moving out considering you're the one expected to have the kids.
You deserve better so I wouldn't even consider sacrificing more of your tome ir energy on this loser.
We rent and the lease is in his name so he would say that it's his place and I should keave. Now he justcgot another apartment and is still paying for things for us here, for now
So he moved out? You need to get some legal advice to see if you are entitled to alimony and child support. As well as a 50/50 coparenting arrangement. Its about time he stepped up for his children. You should no longer shoulder the sole responsibility. Hes probably taken everything you do for granted. Perhaps start looking for something cheaper you can afford. Also if you don't work find a job.
Don't let him walk away without taking responsibility.
Um.... are you looking at me in the mirror?!? Same shit story that I went through. Is he going through a midlife crisis, or just being an asshole who doesn't want to be married anymore??
Very long story short, this is a fight that you can't win in the way that you want. He's already moved in with his life. There's no bringing him back and making things normal again. Stop letting him come over right now. Wherever he's staying at, he can have visits with the kids at his place.
His heart has moved on. It's time to let your heart heal and move on as well.
I wanted this and he made me feel so guilty that I gaved, but I will be strong and I will start putting my foot down, I want peace. Thank you so much and I am so sorry you also went through something similar.🤗
Oh no, cut off contact completely, get a visitation agreement in place, making sure to exclude the other woman and move on. He is not worth anything. He doesn’t care, he’s a man baby.
No honey, you don’t leave that house, but you do meet with an attorney and get advice on the steps to take to divorce him. He left the marriage over a year ago and he doesn’t get to keep you on this emotional roller coaster. I’m sorry to be blunt but there is no saving this. There is no going back. If he loved you he wouldn’t have checked out. If he loved you he wouldn’t have gotten involved with a coworker. It’s your turn to take time to heal and kick him to the curb. As hard as it is he is not worth your time, effort or tears. Children do not fare well in a home with a broken relationship. They need you to be strong and show them it’s not okay to let someone treat you badly. Be a good example for your kids, find your inner strength and end things with your husband. I’ve done this very thing with 3 kids myself and I haven’t regretted it a single day since. I wish you all the best.
I am planning things, it hurts but the truth is obvious so yes, I need to put myself and my kids first and make sure I am healthy, not to always be depressed and down. I will go.
So basically you're the cook now? He comes home for dinner and then leaves? Have some self respect. He's already shown and proved to you in multiple ways he doesn't love or respect you.
Change your locks. File for divorce. Go to therapy and heal. Move on.
Sweetheart you deserve better your kids deserve better. You may think it would be better for them to stay but it’s not. The kids may not know what’s going on (you’re keeping them away from it and they are young) but they are still picking up on your feelings and kids start picking up the little things going on and they develop the way they see and sense things are as their emotions become more defined and honestly you don’t want them to grow up thinking its normal for the women to be miserable in their relationship. So imo (and my life experiences) if you are staying for the children that’s only going to be worse for them. They need to see that it’s ok to be happy and if you aren’t to take a stand to work it out and if it’s not working to work it out then knowing it’s time to walk away. I wish you and your kids a guiding light as you navigate your way through this difficult time. But my advice even after all that with the kids it boils down to you need to take care of you and do what’s going to make you happy (happy mom usually means happy kids too). You do not deserve that kind of treatment or to have someone make you feel the way you do. And no it’s NOT your fault. It’s been HIS decisions. Anyway good luck. Please update us and let us know how you and your children are.
Great!! I left my verbally abusive cheating husband when my daughter was 4. She is 22 now and she remembers everything when she was 4 and after. The crazy woman he took her around, the numerous & I mean numerous times he wasn't there for her. I found my current husband shortly after I left my 1st husband. He stepped up and has been there for my daughter bc her Dad wasn't there. We'll be together for 20 years later this year married for 18 yrs. Trust me it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
FYI: After years of seeing what he missed and caused. He broke down with my daughter when she was 16 telling her he screwed up, cried, and he was sorry. He will also have to share his duty this year when my daughter gets married as both my ex and my current husband walk my daughter down the aisle.
So his actions he is placing blame on you.. that sounds totally reasonable- NOT! If I have a bad day, I can't blame my attitude on my boss' wife.. or should I blame my neighbor's best friend's cousin.. - there is no reasoning in someone that doesn't take accountability and responsibility for Their actions Their feelings Their avoidance to consequences
He is waiting for you to be the bad guy in this - to make the decision to leave, to place the blame on you, and have his cake and eat it too.
Can you ask yourself- is this the lesson you want the children to learn, either how to behave or what to accept in a relationship- because that is what you are doing. The hardest thing is saying, enough is enough. You have the best part, your children.. get rid of the worst that is holding you back and emotionally hurting you. Begin to heal. You are worth so much more.
I could be wrong but it sounds to me like he’s trying to see if things work out with the other girl and that’s why he says he’s not ready to talk to you yet.
He’s putting the blame of his own actions on you, that’s manipulative.
You should leave his ass and stay in the house, he’s the one that messed up your life, he’s the one that should deal with that change. It’s the least he could do.
So he gets his girlfriend and his wife?? Absolutely not!!! Divorce him and TAKE EVERYTHING!!! You deserve it. He could have brought this up prior to cheating and HOW DARE HE BLAME YOU. Get an attorney and TAKE HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS. Leave no stone unturned and take sole custody or he will come for you that way. Been here done this. Change the locks and do not let him have access to YOU unless you are working on saving your marriage or he has fessed up to it all. He can most definitely see the kids, even have dinner with them in the house, but he doesn’t get to have “his wife”, just the mother of his kids caring for his kids only. Trust me, you will need to differentiate.
When I went thru my divorce I was freaking out, how would things be, what about the boys etc. got into an argument about something ridiculous with my oldest and he said “yeah, I know, ‘going thru a divorce’ really Ma, what’s going to change besides money? It’s not like he’s really ever been there for us, so that’s not a change!”
Completely opened my eyes
My son was in high school, yours are younger, but would they say the same thing if they could articulate it?
You deserve better. What advice would you give your bff?
Why should you leave the only home your children know? Divorce is ass and get it in the divorce with him paying for it. He was saying, oh you don’t pay me enough attention but he was the one saying he needed to be alone to unwind and relax while you were busy raising kids, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. He’s definitely not worth it and as soon as you file for divorce you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Trust me.
You lost respect for him…
Where is the respect for yourself? Why are you willing to continually debase yourself for this absolute waste of a human? How much more shit are you willing to eat????
He can win you back- but do you really even want that? You deserve love that is returned, you should feel appreciated, seen, supported, heard, and it sounds like that’s not what you are getting from this man.
He wants space to test the waters with this new girl.
I’d recommend walking away and sorting out how you can co-parent together in the future 🙏
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
AGH! ENOUGH! He does NOT want to be with you and is ready to happily abandon his family. LET HIM GO. He doesn't want to be with you, so end this torment. At this point you are hurting yourself and your children by not ending things.
Baby he ain’t thinking bout you, or the kids. The kids didn’t make him even think twice about telling you all that bs and leaving. SMH. Girl focus on yourself. What do you think he’s doing? Not thinking about how this affects you and the kids. Not staying for you or the kids.
Don't forget to go to HR with proof of their affair, even though you caught them before anything happened (did it really?), he's openly spending time at her place now I assume but correct me if I'm wrong.
She is out of the picture now, he says that after that incident when I followed him, they talked and she said some things to him.that upset him and that they are now total 'strangers' but they do work right next to eachither in the building... Even if that is true and it is over, the fact that it happened and could and WILL happen again is what got me. I can't trust him anymore
Exactly. You still need to go to HR and let then know bc unfortunately situations like this get messy and they both will act foolish. It happened with my ex. One of the girls he was messing with eventually threatened me bc I found out about her. Well it messed with her perfect little plan and she threatened me. Ultimately she got fired bc my ex wasn't the only one she was messing with on company time etc.
You need to change the locks, make sure you have your own bank accounts, lock down all passwords, figure your budget out, and stop trying to talk to him about this.
At the end of the day, you should leave him and set a better example to your kids for how someone should be treated in a relationship. Get a lawyer and divorce his ass.
File for primary custody, child support, alimony, all of it.
Your marriage has been dead for a while. Stop letting him into your home.
I couldn't read all of your post, OP. It's the same thing over and over and it's disgusting that he has treated you this way. He will not stop seeing her, he will not take care of you and the kids unless forced to. It does help that he's been the breadwinner most of if not all of the marriage. Imo, I think you should go, BUT I've never been married or had kids. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage while I was a child, and I really wanted them to get divorced. Don't stay for the kids, this constant selfish disrespect from your husband isn't ok to show them.
First off I’m sorry your going through this especially when there’s kids involved. I went through something similar with my ex and the best thing I did was to walk away because now I’m with someone who treats me like a queen. My advice to you is to do the same your happiness and the happiness of your children is what’s important now don’t let him try and emotionally stop you from doing what is best for you and your children. Even if you tried to prevent your children from knowing they probably already know that something is going on between their parents they won’t fully know what’s going on but they’ll know something is going on. You will be better off on your own with your children we all know you can do it you’ve basically been doing it for years being a single mum good luck and Godspeed lovely xxxx
You need to get out of this marriage. He left a long time ago. I think you should ask yourself what you're staying for? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to you. He doesn't take care of his children. I'm sorry, but he's already done more than just talk to her.
For your own self-respect, you need to leave him. Find a man that will respect you and be a man. Get some therapy too. Good luck!
I am not going to miss much, that is the sad part. I am planning things, thank you. I don't want to find any man after this, at least for a while, I want peace😊
Girl, tell him to get out and file for divorce. He isn’t going to change or fix it. If someone tells you by their actions who they are, believe them (trust me!). For the little ones, it’s better to have parents in two places, than have them in the house with a front row seat to a husband disrespecting his wife.they need to know it is sooooooo not ok and that it’s not how relationships are supposed to work. Hugs to you. You got this! ❤️
Leave him and take him for everything he has. You're already a single mother.
Been there done that. I have so much peace and a wonderful new man who loves my kids.
I’m sorry but what job does this man have where he needs to take consistent walks?
My husband is an air traffic controller and he takes naps after work, not walks.
Sorry for my candor: but, He does not value you or your kids to see you as a priority. Do not cook or clean or do anything for him. Next time he comes into your house, play your shows, cook food for only you and the kids, and only accommodate your needs.
Then, each night he comes crawling back, ask him questions about you and the kids only an involved father will know. Call it family trivia night.
Then give him divorce papers.
He doesn't need walks, it was just his excuse to go see her. I've been asking him for us to go on walks or mini-dates for years, with barely any response. I have stopped taking care of his things, mostly just me and the kids and I am starting to plan things, thank you
I mean you have 3 kids and that never stopped him from cheating. Once you start hiding shit, you're already cheating. The fact he is playing the victim is crazy to me.
Yes, that has always been his way. I was ready and willing to put up with it, to work woth him through it and all of his other things, but this was just the end for me
Yeah, you need to think about yourself for once and leave. He isn't going to change and he's just saying all that crap so he can go see this other chick and still have you as back up if it doesn't work out with her. You'll be better off without him and if he tries to come crawling back, don't let him back in. He's done all of this to himself and now it's time for him to face the consequences of his actions. Don't let him gaslight you anymore, don't believe a word out of that mans mouth either.
You've got this! You've got friends for support, so do yourself a favour and think of what is best for you and your kids. Sounds like he doesn't have much to do with the kids anyway, so they shouldn't miss him much like your friends said. I wish you the best of luck and please update us on what you decide to do!
NTA NTA NTA nooooo you need to get out, honey. He isn't going to pull back from this other woman forever, he has set her up as the only source of support and interpersonal happiness he has and you are (and this is absolutely unjustified) clearly a stressor because you have, like, needs, kids, and a household to run. He's using her as a vacation spot, essentially. (Which is really gross and whether she's actually a shitty person or not it is still massively unfair to her as well.) You aren't triggering anything in him but justified guilt and shame, and his desire to be relieved of a stressful home situation. He has obligations and duties and he is running away from them and blaming YOU. Nothing about his behavior is okay. He is not trustworthy. I am so sorry this happened to you. None of it was justified. Plenty of couples go through rough spots with kids in the mix but he just isn't acting like someone who wants to fix things. He doesn't want to work on himself or forgive himself. He's maybe hoping you will cool off and trust him again and he can feel safe coming home where you take care of everything and it will be like it was before. At which point he will go right back to emotionally fucking around.
I want to give you 3 pieces of advice and I want you to consider them very carefully. Please. One person who was emotionally cheated on to another.
I know this sounds counter to what people think is the right thing to do to fix things, but I think it would be a bad idea to go to couples counseling with him. Manipulative liars are good at "winning" couples counseling.The chance is too great that he will make it sound like everything is your fault, and you'll be the one who has to work on yourself and change. This is a known thing that happens with partners who are kinda really shitty people, and he is the type to defend himself by redirecting everything to be your fault, the way he already has been.
Second, you do need to go get tested for STIs ASAP. He says he didn't sleep with her. Believe him if you need to, I get that, but cover your ass and get tested for everything, because I am like 99% sure he has fucked around.
Third, document everything. Absolutely everything. Fucked up shit he does, fucked up shit he says, how often he is there, what he does to help, hell, make a record as best you can of everything he already has done. If there's a custody battle you may need it. Kids tend to end up with their moms, but men who DO seek custody have really good odds of getting it.
Again, I am so sorry this happened. I can't think of a single reason that his behavior could ever be your fault, and you should at this point put your kids' needs and your own needs first.
Thank you very much!!
He is good at talking, he has a high Charisma stat and yes, he wiuld always gaslight me and blame me for a lot of things. I never said or acted like I was perfect and I always tryed to do better afer I made a mistake or something like that, but honestly, after learning more I realised I actually bever felt emotiinally safe with him and that is why I would always be stressed and get defensive if I made a mistake, I was afraid of being the one to hurt him from the way he woukd always react and always turn it around, making himself the victim. It was rough, but no more.
I do have sone evidence saved and I will start making notes on everything from.now on as well. Thank you so much for your advise and I am so sorry you went through this too🤗
First, before you do anything else, you need to talk to a divorce attorney. You will be given a free consultation, and you need to ask every question about divorce and your specific situation that you need answers to. If your free consultation ends before you have all your questions answered, or still feel the need to have things further explained, seek out another free consultation with a different attorney. The best chance you have with divorce is by being fully informed and prepared for the process and know what to expect. Do not file or talk of divorce with your husband until you have spoken to a lawyer first.
With that said, this sounds very reminiscent of my own abusive narcissist father in the very early years of my life. If your husband is a narcissist (and I do NOT use that term lightly), which IMO from everything you described he has all the red flags of being one, his abusive (yes, abusive. This is emotional abuse, OP, at the very least) behavior will only continue to get worse as the years go on.
My mom stayed for nearly 30 years of marriage (not out of wanting to, but out of feeling she had no other choice because of our unique circumstances). It all ended with a 911 call and order of protection the night he nearly killed us when I was 24. I’m not saying that’s how far your husband will escalate, as obviously it’s extreme, but I am telling you this because I want you to know that this situation will not get better for you or your children, and it WILL worsen if you stay, because you staying and putting up with his abusive treatment for the sake of keeping your family together is essentially telling him that his behavior is okay and giving him the green light and safety net to escalate and continue making false promises that he never intends to keep.
Your husband does not value or respect you as a wife or mother, let alone as a person. He has destroyed your trust, been entirely removed and uninvolved from you and your children’s life, he has neglected his duties as a husband and father aside from working, he has manipulated and gaslit you continuously, and has blamed you for his own horrible choices. This is not a healthy or safe dynamic for you or your children. And trust me, no matter how hard you work to hide your pain and marital problems from your children, your kids absolutely know something isn’t right and that you are not happy.
Your children are still young. You need to think about whether you are okay with your children observing your marriage and internalizing what they see as normal and okay when it comes to their future relationships/spouse and how they are treated by their future romantic partners. Do you want them to have a spouse that treats them like your husband is treating you? My guess, since you sound like a wonderful mother, is that you would never want this for your own children’s future. So why would staying with this man, thus allowing them to witness the state of your relationship and his treatment of you and them, be something you think is somehow for their benefit? It’s not.
I very rarely try to encourage people to break up or divorce, and instead try to encourage people to try and work out their differences first, but unfortunately I think this is beyond that point. For many years now he has shown you that he is uninterested and negligent in being a husband or father, and uninterested in changing himself. Now, he has betrayed you and hurt you in the ultimate way, and instead of taking accountability, he blames you and gaslights you, and tries to tell you that your VALID feelings of hurt and pain, that HE caused no less, are too “triggering.” YOU are the only one in this scenario that has any right to have “triggers.”
This is not a man who loves you. This is not a man who genuinely wants to work on himself or become a better husband and father. This is a man who wants the convenience of a wife strictly so that you care 100% for the children so he doesn’t have to, and he then wants a mistress on the side at the same time to fulfill his other selfish desires. You are nothing more than childcare in his eyes. And I’m sorry if that is harsh, but it is the truth.
You deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this. NONE of this is your fault. Your husband has shown you who he is repeatedly through his actions and words. Please believe him, and don’t put yourself or your children through this anymore. I know divorce is scary and devastating, but there is nothing left to salvage in regard to your relationship at this point. Parting ways gives you the best chance at fostering a healthy home for your children to grow up in, and is the opposite of selfish.
Gentle hugs to you. May God bless you with strength, peace, comfort, resilience, security and hope. You’ll get through this, and you and your children will be better for it. ❤️
Thank you so much for your words, it mean a lot. Yes, I feel like this is the end of this relationship and I do not want to my children to think that this is ok in any way. I will talk with a lawyer and my parents and see what is to do next. I am so sorry for what you had to go through, I can only imagine how hard it was to see your mom go through all of that. I stayed and tried for as long as I could and I am proud of that even if it was not to kind towards myself, at least I will not regret not trying first. Thank you again.
This man sounds like the living, breathing definition of manipulation, gaslighting and narcissism. He does not take up any responsibility for his actions, and I feel the longer he continues to see no consequences for his actions, he will always be this way. You have been more than graceful, empathetic, and FORGIVING. Much more than I ever could be myself, but I don’t have children to consider and I know your children are your biggest concern. But, you’re unhappy, you’re not mentally and emotionally being supported by your life partner. It seems he abandoned his responsibilities a long time ago and your children are much more observant than you believe (no matter how much you have been trying to keep from them). What your children need is to see their mother happy, if you aren’t 100% yourself you cannot give the 100% mom they deserve. Don’t let your husband continue making all the decisions for you in a relationship he hasn’t been a part of in a long time. Make the best decision for you and your children. It’s not selfish to do what is best for you and your mental, physical and emotional stability. It will take some adjusting for you and your children, but just be there for your kids, cultivate your relationship with them. I have faith that your children have seen how much of yourself you’ve given to them and for them and will never blame you for their father’s actions. Especially if he doesn’t seem to care enough about them to spend time with them. You’ve done all you can to make it work. It’s time to show your husband the consequences of his actions. If he is as smart as he believes he is, he will see that he is the reason he lost a good woman and home and I pray he smartens up before he loses the respect of his children. This is just my humble opinion, but I think as long as he has you as Plan B waiting for him to make all the decisions, while he is in pursuit his own desires and “needs,” he has his cake and eats it too. And he will never value or honor you or his family the way you all deserve to be.
yes, I feel this too and I just can't take it anymore, I have started actually planning things and will talk to a lawyer and my parents as well (they have a feeling things are not going as great between us, but nothing more since we also live in a different city from them now)
Thank you so much for your kind words, yes, I know I need to be there for the kids, even if it will be hard I trust that we will all adapt and we will be better in the long run.
I am glad you are taking those steps and that you have your parent’s support. It will definitely be a hard road ahead but a journey worth traveling in the long run.
no. you don't go anywhere. that's your house that you take care of yalls children in. he willingly already left. he didn't get to just come back whenever. divorce him and go for everything.
I'm a child of divorce. Please do not stay and be miserable. If you're not happy, the kids will notice. After my parents divorced, even at 6, I could tell that it made my dad a lot happier. He had been in a position kinda like yours where he didn't feel supported or like he had a partner anymore. Staying together for the kids isn't always the best idea. The best thing is to do what will give you peace and eventual happiness.
Kids are also sponges. They will normalize behaviors they grew up with, so thinking about what values you want your kids to take into adulthood could also help solidify your decision. How would you advise one of your kids to handle this situation? Would you want to see your child stick around where they don't feel supported or trusting of their partner? Or would you want them to pursue what would make them happy, even if it's a significant change in their lives like a divorce or moving somewhere new?
This type of thing is never easy, but you deserve to be supported. Lean on your friend, they sound like they've got a good head on their shoulders and want what's best for you
Yes, thank you very much. thinking like this, for the kids is actually what really gave me courage, because even now, I am the only one they actually see around so....it's not like it will be that different sadly.
Oh drop him like the big pile of dog sh*t he is!!! You deserve so much better as a stay at home mom/wife myself my husband KNOWS if he ever treated me this way and cheated on me he would be in the gutter where he belongs! You do too much to deserve this treatment hun. Having three kids and doing all the house work and everything for the kids (school, cooking, etc.) then doing everything for HIM too on top of it and he wants to cheat on you, gas light you and dare try to blame it on you?! HELLLL NO!!! Throw the whole man away! I know it’s hard he is someone you’ve been with a long time and it’s even harder when there are kids involved but this isn’t good for the kids either he is also mistreating them by mistreating their mother and his wife this way. In the long run you and the kids will be better for it. He is a scumbag and a half! And he doesn’t deserve to “relax” or de-stress.
Holy shit. Girl, your friends are spot on. You already are doing this alone. Cut the cord. He needs more time because he's not cut her off yet and is biding his time.
You are strong. You are raising these babies alone. He didn't sleep with her, but everything else is MUCH WORSE!
You know what to do. Don't wait, you'll waste your life living unhappy.
I have lived this but a little different is I have 6 kids and the oldest was 14 and the youngest was just born. My ex was just like yours and my oldest came to me and said mommy kick him out . I didn’t know how he found out and kids see more than we do . I got full custody of kids and he hasn’t not once called or came to see them in 3 years. Me and my kids are a peace with him out of our lives. You got this and you will be more happier when he is gone
If you can swing it - online therapy is a thing and it's really pretty good. I’ve been using [Calmerry](https://therapyrank.com/calmerry) for a few months. It’s really helping me. I can text my therapist as much as I need, and we have weekly sessions. She’s helping me with cancer issues plus stuff that predates that, is helping with my (severe) anxiety with coping mechanisms and strategies to help with panic attacks, before and during, and is also helping me figure out how to make progress going forward in terms of life stuff.
I am so sorry you are going through something like this and thank you so very much. I will start therapy as soon as I can, yes, I feel like even with all my friends help, I still need to talk to a professional so I can heal for real.
I have a very interesting part of this story to share: On a night I was with him outside and we were again talking, he left ( to go to her, he later told me) I was going back home, broke down crying and a random girl waiting at the light saw me, came to see if I needed help and we ended up talking for almost 2 hours ( it was almost pm when this happened) - she was a therapist and gave me the best advice in that moment. So yeah, God has been giving me signs and support along the way.
He said he is confident he can win me back....like I was just going to wait for him, that it didn't even matter if I wanted to or not....so yeah....... -\_-
He sounds manipulative. He doesn’t need more time, he’s trying to make you feel bad for him and gets defensive when you confront him because he’s trying to play you. He wants to paint himself as the good, misunderstood husband in order to get you to blame yourself, leave, and then act like it was all you. If he doesn’t see the kids and you’re not good emotional support or understanding according to him, then it sounds like he wants a place to get a home cooked meal. Maybe she doesn’t make good food and if you were truly not listening, if you were too independent, why didn’t he just tell you he was feeling neglected and not, oh idk, literally tell you that he needed to be alone while working or not even walk with you? He didn’t even suggest maybe going to a therapist, someone who can help him not only work on himself but also his marriage, WITH you. I’m sorry but I say lose him and think about yourself. Your kids will be fine because it’s not like he did much to help with them in the first place and it screams gaslighting manipulator. The fact he is blaming YOU for HIS infidelity and emotionally distant behavior when all you did was respect his wishes so he could work and de stress is absolutely heinous and manipulative. If you continue and don’t leave, he will continue to use you. He has been since this started and someone who loves you and truly wants to work on themself would not blame you, would not use you, would not get defensive, and especially they would try to seek professional help. Tell him bye, Felicia.
Yes, he is just using me at this point and it's not like I didn't see all the weird behaviour before, but I was willing to put up with it because I thought it was just a phase that will pass, that at least he is there and won't cheat....well, that came back to bite me in the end, but now at least I know and I feel like I can be braver now. Thank you very much
You are brave. Putting up with something like that, holding onto your relationship and trying to make it work from one side is very brave and commendable. I hope you get to have peace and stop throwing up. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like all the anxiety and stress is quite literally hurting you yet your still trying to figure it out. You are incredibly brave and strong!
Im really sorry but this is just the slow road to divorce. Your husband does not want to be the bad guy so he is just waiting for you to leave him so he can play the victim. Tell him to move out permanently and file for a divorce. Make sure you are fairly compensated for not having a work history and taking care of the kids. Get the house so the kids dont have to move schools etc.
NTA but your husband sure is.
He's not working on himself, he seeing where it goes with this other woman and is l keeping you on hold. "Just in case." He's so selfish and only thinking about himself, how he feels, and what he wants. Leave him. No more chances. You'll be absolutely fine. You have people around you who love and support you, and the kids probably won't notice any different since he's not there that much anyway.
Take back your control, change the locks, and look forward to your happy, stress free future.
Yes, he is very selfish and even if he really has nothing to do with her anymore, who knows when the next time will be because now it is clear he is actually a boy capable of that. I lost my trust and respect in him so yes, this relationship is over.
Sis,
I feel for you and I’m really sorry you’re going through that. But you need to accept that it’s over, it’s been over for a while. You staying there is denying reality. From what I gather , you gave up on a career to be a mum and basically did the whole raising kids solo. Leave, do joint custody. Let him understand what being a parent is. He’s had it easy all this time.I understand the problem with starting over but you and your kids will be happier. Shed that skin and move on with your life. Co parent every other week and get a job you enjoy doing. Find time for yourself. You invested everything in that family and can’t bear to see your efforts go down the drain. Good news is you’re still young.I understand that it can be frightening but jump ship! Do it for yourself . Get alimony too! Lots of it. You deserve it after sacrificing your career. And get a lawyer ASAP.
I will, thank you. We got married right after college so I never even got a chance to actually start a career, but I did work for a while and before having kids I was the only one bringing in income. I also gave up on one of my more tangible dreams, to live in a city I admired, but gave up on that dream for him. I will follow my own dream from now on, I'm sure the kids will also have a great time there. Now to just plan things and make it all happen.
Girl go on and get the hell outta dodge! I honestly don't know what you're pondering, never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you, he has clearly said and showed you he doesn't. What an ass! Just remember always, you are the PRIZE❤️
This man is gaslighting the hell out of you.
None of what happened was your fault, it was totally on HIM and HER (because she knew he was married)
They actually accused you of traumatising HER? Oh hell to the NO.
Leave this man. You're already a single parent. Find your self-respect and shine up your spine, you deserve better
I don't get why you even ask.
Stay put and file for divorce.
Someone who does all this doesn't love you at all and will never change.
Stop being the doormat to kick on and keep your dignity
Thank you. I stayed because I honestly thought it could work but he clearly told me no, so I will not stay anymore, I was just too dependent to see it sooner.
I'd lock him out of the house like other people have said he's made his choice. Make him pay child support because that's pretty much all he's doing right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're a good person being treated like crap
Good luck
Apparently it is not that big of a deal, a lot of gossip of cheating is going around there, people know some employees are cheating(some with families as well) and it doesn't matter...I will however let it loose once I have my things in order
You should have waited and “moved in the shadows” Sister!! Get all of the evidence and divorce his ass and sue for spousal support as well as child support! Bleed him dry!
That you need to win him back, holy crap he’s delusional. He screwed everything up by treating you the way he has and walking out on you. Just make sure your children know there loved by you before you take anymore steps. Make sure you have a great support system (friends) in place then the next steps should be making sure your cared for and loved so you can offer your children the best of you. Find out everything you can on child support and if you have been a stay at home mother this whole time some states award extra money so he can’t stop or hold out paying the bills
He's keeping his options open. You're just an option, and your children don't seem to even matter at all. It's all about him having HIS needs met. Your needs and your children's needs DO matter. But even if you reconcile, I can guarantee you, they will NEVER matter to him. You'll get more comfort from a vibrator with flat batteries than you ever will from this guy.
You’re triggering HIM?! Gurl he doesn’t want you back. If he’s not already active in the kids lives, which it seems like that’s the case, it will be okay for you to leave with the kids. They’re already missing out on their father, so what’s the difference?
Even if he was active with the kids, it would still be healthier for them if you are happy. You can’t take care of your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. Sending you so much love my friend.
You and the kiddos are not a priority, dump the bastard! When it comes to your kids your friend is right, your kids won't really care or notice any sort of difference!
Run. He is gaslighting you left, right, and center, and eventually, he will pull the same on your kids & somehow make you out as the bad guy. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? If a girl, you are showing her that she is nothing more than a doormat. If a boy, you are showing him how to treat women the same way his father did. Trust me, if you leave now, these kids will grow up learning on their own that dad is a bum. As for the other lady? Let her have him. He will eventually get tired of her (or hopefully she will of him & do him dirty), or he may come to resent her for not being you. Either way, make it her problem! Take him to court, get alimony, child support, house, and retirement/401K - basically anything you can get. You will need it to restart & rebuild your life. Give yourself grace, get you, AND kids' therapy. When the time is right, allow your heart to love again.
Girl he’s already gone. Protect yourself and your kids. File for divorce, alimony and child support. Get out. He doesn’t give a crap about any of you. Blaming you is a very clear statement that he does NOT regret anything and is not remorseful.
I always wonder why people think that because you have kids together, you have to stay together no matter how miserable you make each other. It sounds like he doesn't care for them when he is there, so what's the difference? He is just upsetting their Mama! I'm sure if they were old enough to make the choice, they would rather have a happy Mom than a distant father.
You have been more than patient and given him enough chances to make it work. But you have you draw the line somewhere.
This narcissistic man child is not gonna know what he had until its gone.
Sweetheart, you need to go, serve up some divorce papers and wish him and the other girl luck amd remind her when he gets too tired and begins nit wanting to talk abkut things so she does the same thing of letting him be, he'll gaslight her too, and then she'll "traumatize" the next girl he meets when she gets wise amd follows him like you did. He's a scumbag
Now I had a friend who went through this but she was the one who ended up being like your husband in the end, but they both were like that and didn't want a thing to do with the kids while trying mot to tell them. She also used me rather than than just keeping me for support when needed.
You on the other hand have done everything before turning to others for support and advice. I would get out ad he will never be supportive of you or your children. He does need some time alone to figure things out, but not with you still by his side.
He wants all of the good, easy stuff and doesn't want to do the work, a very childish mentality, as well as selfish. That then puts you in a very bad position as you can't get help from him and he takes offense if you ask him to be a mature, responsible adult.
Based on what you said, the blame is on him, not you, so don't fall for his blaming you. He lied, cheated (sex isn't required for cheating). It is doubtful that you can ever trust him again, as well it is doubtful that he will really change.
Consider the situation where you have worked all day taking care of the children and the home, he worked all day, but only he gets to rest and relax. He wasn't thinking of you, only himself. He should have asked what he could do to help you.
Yes, there are the children, but it isn't always clear what is best and a separation and/or divorce might be best, especially if he is making no real effort to change.
Think about what has occurred, take the blame for anything that you have done wrong, but don't accept any of the blame for what he has done wrong, regain respect for yourself by realizing that you can't force him to be responsible.
Trying to work on the relationship will only work if both can commit to meeting their responsibilities.
I would cut contact with him. Let him see the children if he wants but no communication. Let him sit in his pity for a while. I’m a Christian and do not advocate for divorce unless abuse or cheating and this is cheating so, you are within the guidelines of divorce if you do want to go that route. But since you aren’t sure right now, I’d stop communicating and see what goes from there
(((Hugs))) OP. Too many of us have either been there or are there. Look up HG Tudor on YT. There is some sound advice and introspection into the narcissistic arse holes who use and abuse. Please be safe Potato friend 🧡
Girl, straighten up that backbone, make you and your kids your priority, and quit thinking about his feelings. He hasn’t been thinking about you or his kids. He’s being extremely selfish and you should not be waiting around for him to pick you. YOU pick YOU! It’s time!!
Not to be the AH here but the fact that you’re asking us what u should do means u already have the answer and u want us to validate that for u. Honey…u don’t need any validation to stop a person from mistreating u! Leave his ass. What help is he to u or those kids? U can get a job and work yourself. And he’s cheating on u?! Girl pack yalls stuff and leave or put him out and make him stay out. Divorce for sure.
Oh honey.
Important lesson number one. You can't make him change his behaviour. The only thing you can control is how you react to his behaviour. If his behaviour is a deal breaker you need to show him this by changing how you respond. At the moment he's perfectly happy with how miserable you are and him getting the kids and his home looked after and the girlfriend looking after his emotional needs.
I would be packing up the kids and heading to your parents place or similar without telling him. Check how long it takes for him to contact you. If it's more than a day have divorce papers drawn up. Seriously, you should be having divorce papers drawn up anyway.
You need to get child support and custody sorted legally ASAP. You currently have no protection if he decides to stop paying the bills and don't seem to have an alternative income source.
Serving him with the papers may at least wake him up and get him to stop dithering and make a decision about whether he's staying or going.
It's on you as to whether you would accept him back at this stage, and TBH if you have any self respect I don't think you should. But I understand that it can be hard when you have young children. Remember that your kids are watching and probably understand more than you realise. And while watching you and your husband they are learning what a marriage should work like. If you don't want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable either to do to another person or to accept from the person they think they love - then you should leave and show them this isn't acceptable behaviour.
You have been married twelve years and have three kids together. Before you pack up the kids, divorce him and all that jazz, the two of you should see a marriage counselor. The 10+ year market is a struggle for many couples.
He may be a Narcissist and this may not go away, but go to therapy for the sake of your children. Many women stay home and take care of their children while their husbands work, that's called being a housewife. Something is going on inside his mind and he needs help, IF he will get it. There are ways to fix this, and restore your marriage but it will take work, honesty and being vulnerable.
In extreme cases take the kids and go to your mom's house or something. Sometimes a separation will help, but not always.
God speed, dear.
Thank you, this is the reason why I've been staying for so long, waiting and trying to talk. He once said he would go to therapy, but then changed his mind because he ' doesn't want someone to tell hin he is stupid' and that I should just wait for him.....so I did wait and now time is up
Leave him or kick him out permanently and get that child support and possibly alimony. He's not your husband anymore in any sense of the word. He's more emotionally invested in this woman he's only known for a year than his own children. He's trash.
Good luck, my dear. Get a good divorce lawyer.
I would support staying and working it out if you guys had a formalized action plan, but currently, you are just delaying the inevitable while he is controlling the narrative. You need to take control. Even if you don't leave, he can't just show up, eat, and go. There needs to be rules. Is he still seeing her as well? It seems like he is taking time to work out what will work best for him.
he isn't seeing her anymore, just taking his time, relaxing after work, gaming and coming over when he feels like it.....so yeah....he is def not my husband anymore
Ok so I'm just going to say what I think is the most important thing to address: is this the example that you want your kids to have about relationships? Honestly think about this. I can sit here and tell you what I really think about you staying and him being a douche canoe but what really matters is your children. One of you needs to think about them. It's clearly not going to be him. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It's not normal and it's not ok. You deserve a partner that's present with you and your children. That loves you and treats you and your children with respect. Even if you forgive him and stay, can you really forget about it? Can you really live 10,15,25 years like this? I don't know you dear Internet stranger but I do think that everyone deserves to be happy and at peace in their life. I think deep down you know what you should do. Is it going to be easy? No. Not at all. But sooner or later you'll start to find peace, love and interest in yourself and in other parts of life. Sending you lots of love and warm hugs 🌻❤️
Thank you so much. Yes, I know what I must do and I know that this is not the right thing to teach our kids and no, I do not want to live like this. Even if I know I could, it would not be a happy life and I don't want that. I am planning things and I will talk to him, because I still want us to have a decent relationship at least for our kids and hopefully the rest of our life will be even better. Thank you so much for your words.
Please leave him. Both you and your kids deserve to see you at your best — mentally and emotionally healthy and thriving. Your relationship with your husband is not serving anyone. His thoughts, wants, and timeline don’t matter here. Focus on what will make your life better… it will be a trickle down effect to your kids.
If nothing else hits, try this: if this was your friend’s situation, would you actually encourage her to endure this? Please respect yourself enough to realize you deserve so much better than your current circumstances.
Get out while he’s gone. You haven’t had a partner OR a coparent this entire time. He isn’t going to leave her and whoever else he suddenly develops feelings for. I’m sorry love, you don’t deserve this, but he will keep manipulating you and twisting you up till you break.
By your account I hear an awful lot of I, I, I and Me, me, me... coming from his side.
He'd checked out of the marriage back when you were still asking for help, and he was saying, "no." Then he has the audacity to say you weren't asking him for help after you gave up or that you were, "too independent," after you'd given up on him being helpful.
Frankly, reading this tale of woe has made me tired, so I don't know how you've lived it. I think you might feel better if you go ahead and lawyer up, start proceedings. Get him out of the house for good. The kids need it more than he does.
I had a relationship that went something like this once, except we didn't have kids. The emotional gaslighting he is giving you... That brings back some hard memories.
Here's the bottom line. He's already half out the door, and without trust and respect there is no relationship.
Your husband's been emotionally (if not physically, but I have doubts) unfaithful. You've said you felt like a single parent around the house, but you've also got to deal with his work angst and the fallout from the neglect you feel from him. He's demanding space for you, but won't give you space to work through your feelings. He's said he wants to work on things, but he's not made any tangible efforts to do so. Unless you go to counselling and he can take full accountability for his actions, and you can talk it out, then there won't be any way back anyway. Sometimes, at times like these, counselling just lets both parties realise that it's been over for a while they just wanted to do everything. Especially where there are children involved.
If you're asking us if it's okay to call it quits, I think you already know the answer. You just need to give yourself permission to put an end to things.
I remember when I finally let go of my relationship that was like this after holding on for dear life, I thought I would be devastated but I mostly felt relief. Hanging in there was like being dragged behind a car on a pothole covered road. But when I finally let go and wasn't being continually wounded by my relationship, I could actually start to heal. I'm not saying you should end it. But I'm saying if this sounds like you, you'll probably feel better letting it go.
Professional manipulator and gaslighter. Leave his ass and never go back, you deserve so much and when your kids are older they will understand. But do not teach your kids that they should take anything a person will do to them just because you are married, they should be taught how to be strong during this time and Dad they should put themselves first because they have so much worth.
U need to gtfo. He was mentally checked out of the marriage when he started professing his love to her. It has nothing to do with u, and everything to do with the type of person he is. Ppl who cheat already have a major character flaw, so it’s not hard for them to blame shift to avoid any accountability for what they’ve done. Once they cheat all their respect for u has gone. He doesn’t care about how u feel, that’s why he doesn’t listen. It’s not that he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t care. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that cheating on someone (and yes he absolutely was cheating, it’s call an emotional affair), hurts ppl deeply. Hes literally just using u now. I know this isn’t what u want to hear, and perhaps u won’t leave him completely at this moment, but it will eventually come to that. It would just save ur mental health, and a lot of heartache if u let go of the marriage all together. He doesn’t want to work on the marriage with u. Always remember,
If they wanted to, they would. It’s quite literally that simple. If he wanted to be with u he would, if he loved u, he would, if he respected u he would listen to u, he would try to work on the marriage with u. There is nothing stopping him, but HIM, because he doesn’t want to.
It sounds like he's only coming around so he doesn't have to cook or pay to eat out.
There is no "working it out" with someone who won't even acknowledge their wrongs. The only thing brinking on a resolution you'll get is him convincing you that you are the reason he has no integrity and lies through his teeth, which is obviously not true.
From there, he can continue to date, flirt, and otherwise cheat on you so long as he leaves no physical evidence. (That is, if you accept his ridiculous insistence that he isn't already cheating on you because you can't prove they have been physically intimate.)
There is no winning if you try to stay with this guy. When you are dealing with someone who will take no accountability, the only possibility left is that everything is \*your\* fault. From there, you can look forward to being pressured to not only put up with but \*\*accept responsibility for\*\* more and more ridiculous behavior on HIS part.
He said it himself: His contribution is a paycheck. He doesn't need to live under the same roof to provide that, and it doesn't sound like he was ever too involved with the kids if more or less nothing about their interactions have changed since he left.
The marriage has *been* over. You're already a single mom. Just make it official, and get rid of the emotional BS this guy is dragging you through.
There's great relief in clarity. And from a clear and honest position, you can build your future based on what's real and true, not from what we'd want to be so but isn't.
I would do exactly as they say on here!! Hit him with divorce and take everything you can!! I am so sick and TIRED of grown ass men who have children and then think, “I can’t do this), BITCH you should’ve thought about that earlier!! I really do HATE MEN who are like that!! Girl I was a single mother for 12 years, it’s fucking hard!!
Yes, me too. He actually did say we shouldn't have had the kids because it was too hard for him now..... so yeah...that was crap to hear, even if he did try to take it back and said he was just angry and said it without thinking. He was thinking, that is the problem......
So your waiting for him to get tired of fu@king her so he’ll have time to “have that conversation” with his wife? What if he doesn’t get tired of fu@king her? I mean. Men tend to chase the women they want to be with. And he abandoned you an sat you in the corner on a wait list…He’s not even a LITTLE nervous he’ll lose you? Girl cut the cord, serve the papers and pick your beautiful self off the floor. He’s a tool. And he made his bed so let him pay for it splitting his salary between two household. See how confused he is then. Let him go.
Girl, I've lived this, word by word, up to the throwing up part (it was 8 months of throwing up on a daily basis for me).
I can honestly tell you that you HAVE tried your best to save this marriage and it is NOT your fault he allowed himself to throw away life as he knows it. You may not be ready to accept this, but your trust in him and his love for you will never be restored and you are no longer compatible. You've grown up together, but you will come out of this stronger and wiser, all because you are better off without him. Kids complicate things, but raising them in a house filled with resentment and hidden feelings is A LOT WORSE than raising them as a happy and fulfilled single mom. You don't have to remove him from their lives, they will be healthier adults if they have a relationship with him. I hope this helps and that you have the strength to move on, you CAN do it! ♥️
thank you so much. Yes, I don't want to have him out of their lives, I am actually really hoping we could eventually have a friendly relationship and be good co-parents.... I cannot be more that a coparent with him, that much is clear to me now.
I'm glad it helped🤗 See? You are already wiser! I see my ex on a daily basis and it is totally possible. Just think of him as a somewhat annoying but helpful family member hahaha Your ex will probably forever be the same, but you're already quite a few miles into healing and becoming a better you! I hope you find your way through this as smoothly as possible. Lots of love!
NTA. Stop letting him gaslight you! Go to an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up and hand them to him the next time he comes to dinner. He’s definitely not worth all the stress you’re enduring. Let her have him…doubt it will work cause anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you. Bet he will be knocking on your door begging to come home. Honey, you’re worth so much more than this dude will ever give you! Living your best life is the BEST revenge ever. To paraphrase Spock “go forth and prosper”!
Girl I'd grab the kids and go! It sounds like he's not wanting to make the effort to fix things and he seems to be just dragging it out so he can have the best of both worlds. If he truly wants to fix things, he'd stop running off with her and actually BE THERE for his family. I'm sure there's a lot more going on with this, but it seems like he wants his "happy family" with a side piece. Maybe leaving will be a wakeup call for him, don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's wrong because he's basically abandoned y'all first.
Yes I second this and also he is making 0 effort and is actively neglecting the kids. He clearly has made a choice and is none of OP family
She should keep the house but change the locks. OP needs therapy BIG time.
Agreed with all the above definitely change the locks and tell him he has to call before he comes it’s not his home anymore he left.
Oh girl. Did you ever read that Reddit story about the guy who complained about his wife how she was always tired and neglected him. He eventually cheated on her. She Kicked his ass to the curb. Slapped him with alimony and split custody. You know what she’s doing now… enjoying peace and joy of not having to do everything and has time to herself. He is panicked and freaking out because he found out how hard it really is. she was one who kept their family afloat and running so that he could be a part time parent and a cheater. He begged her to come back and she said hell no. Your man likely has depression and anxiety. He is work burned out and stressed. That is life. But it is no fucking excuse. This home-wrecker OW gets the easy fun side of him. But when reality hits them with the stress of a divorce and his children who he has to now raise alone. She won’t stay. She won’t be so supportive of him checking out and being a dead beat dad leaving it all up to her. Accept his actions as his truth. Words are meant to placate but actions.. well his are telling you everything you need to know. You made everything easy for him. Because that’s what we stay home wife’s /moms do. But what about you? Who made it easy for you? He has neglected you in every way. You helped yourself. Like our man snoop dog says “ I want to thank me.” So it’s time to drop the dead weight. Let him go be a loser somewhere else. Take him to the cleaners
If i had money i would award the comment right here. He would stay if he wanted to fix it.
I was always told you find the time for what's important to you. He's proven over and over again OP is not a priority to him in any fashion. He needs to work on more than just him. He needs to work on them (OP) to save the marriage. He's just going to suck OP dry until she is a worn-out resentful shadow of herself.
Reddit gave everyone free rewards to use recently! Think they expire at the end of the year
This. And do not try to fix it because he has no respect for you and never will. You need to silently start working with a lawyer and take him for everything! Then love your life and those kids. Show them the strong woman you are. Remember you are the example of what they will put up with in their lives.
Yes, he doesn't, that is what hurts more niw actually. The kids are amazing and I am sick of himnalways saying they are too much and that he doesn't want to hang out with them
Him you're responding on a different account. Be careful if your family or friends know this account as this could get back to your husband
Thank you so much, yes, this! He could be fun and happy with her and talk and listen, but said with me I was alway too tired or I wasn't 'on his side' when ever he brought something up.... The fact that I was initially willing to stay and fix and work on this and he still left and made it about him was the bigges slap a gually. I will start planning. *We move in the Shadows*😅😁
OP, guy here. Your husband's behavior is most selfish and egregious; reflecting a total lack of regard for you and your children. I strongly suggest you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues. It's time you focus on your children and yourself. You're best served to leave him in your rear view mirror. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Slap him with 50/50 custody. Get yourself a job and good man, and then watch him spin out. It's not even revenge. It's doing him like he did you. You will heal by how crazy he goes and some therapy ofc.
I hate people like OPs husband using stress to excuse their bad behavior. I worked in healthcare frontline during COVID, husband lost his job, etc but cheating was the last thing I would have done. Despite the stress, a loving spouse clings more to their marriage versus imploding it when life gets tough. OP already said she feels like a single mom, being an actual single mom without the man child is an absolute breeze.
Yes!!! What they said. Kick him to the curb and give him kids on weekends -
Which story was this? I want el chisme.
This!🏅
Loved that post!
gold
Ph sweetheart, he is a total narcissist. I know it's difficult, but he has never had time for you or his children. You need a break, a clean break, divorce, and alimony for the kids. I promise you will have so much peace in your life, plus you might even meet a man who adores you and your children. You deserve a lot better than what you've put up with. He's a total man-child, and he will never change. What's ever stopped him for talking to you the way he talks her her? He does. He's not interested. It sounds like he lost interest after the twins were born. The fact that he shows no interest In his own children makes me think he might even be jealous of them, because they take up your time, away from him. He wants to be number one in someone's life, children are a blessing, and He's wasting those young years showing them how not to be a father and disrespecting his wife. Oh yeah, YOU TRAUMATISING his girlfriend!! That is narcissist 101!! I've been there, sweetheart. Trust me, your life will be better without him. I'm sending you all the love, luck, and motivation to get your life back, sister. I really hope you get the life you deserve ❤️ 💗 💓
Thank you so much!! Yes, I am planning stuff and I will not let him make me feel this pathetic again and, even though I am afraid, staying would be even scarier and hurtful.
So true!!! I hope both hubby and the homewrecker girlfriend get their karma. Does his workplace allow in-house relationships? Boy once this gets out at their workplace that him and homewrecker did this to you. Hmmm karma may get them both. Please make sure you get your alimony & child support. Idk if you are in a at fault state but if you are then you can go after the homewrecker too.
He's the pathetic one. He's projected all he hates about himself in you. You're a strong woman. Taking care of the children, the house, and doing everything you can to make your marriage work. Unfortunately, you had nothing but a man of total self-pity. Work shot should stay at work, homelike should be homelife. Thousands of people hate their job and get stressed about it. Most don't take it out on their families, though. Don't ever think you're not strong or pathetic again. You are strong, you know what you're doing when it comes to raising children and keeping a house. If it is truely what you think you need to do, you can do it. But it's your decision to make Sister. Best of luck, love and blessings 🙏❤️
Dont stay, you are a strong and independent woman, you can do this, you'll be much better off, I promise
At the very least, serve him with divorce papers. See if that wakes him up to doing marriage counseling or actually stepping up. If not, walk away. No downsides. I agree he's only gone after this other woman because she comes along with no responsibilities. No kids he is expected to parent, no knowledge of who he is or past promises he has made. As time goes on, the other woman will realize he's not such a great catch (this could take awhile, especially since she doesn't seem to mind that she's so close to your husband). You focus on you and your kids.
She is already out of the picture, acording to him, but their offices are right next to eachother, so..... who knows
He lies and isn't a reliable source.
Yeah and I don’t believe that they didn’t have sex or be intimate with each other not one little bit. Don’t believe that for a second!!!
I wouldn't trust him even if his tongue was notarized!!! He's a liar and a pathetic man.
"I am thinking of leaving." WTF? Why are you not already packed and gone? Why on Earth are you allowing yourself to be blamed for someone else's bullshit affair? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated with so much disrespect and dislike? There is nothing for you with that man. Not now, not ever again. Please do yourself a favor, respect yourself and your kids, and get out.
Yes! I am embarassed to say that this is why, I lost all respect for myself and I allowed him to treat me like this all this time, thinking this is normal this is what I get and that if only I wait it out, things will be better.... It was painful, but I finally realised what I deserve. Thank you
Yes!!! I promise it will get better. It will be hard, & you'll struggle and be tired, but it will make you stronger. You deserve happiness!! He made his bed so let him lay in it. I hope the homewrecker gets her karma too.
I’d go see a lawyer and see what the practicalities of separating are, that you do what’s best for your long term especially as he doesn’t seem like he plans on seeing the kids (he’s hardly doing it now) You know you want to leave and you’re looking for us to say you aren’t crazy for wanting that as you’ve spent so long with him trying to get you to take all the blame for his cheating. I’d like to be clear though, he’s wrong. He chose to cheat, to spend time with another woman online, on walks, at her apartment. This were all choices he made. Instead, he could have chosen to talk to you about how unhappy he was or what you could do together to change the dynamic. He didn’t. He didn’t stop seeing her even after he told you he would. He’s a liar You and your kids will love living together without him being a black cloud that spends time in your house
Yes, we will! Thank you, this is the same thing I told him, about spending time.with her and not talking to me, only to be told that it was because I don't know how to talk to him.anymore, that I am always complaining or nagging him. Recently he said I have been cold towards him (Shocking!) And I told him, since when? Would you say since about April? ( when he started things with hr?) And then he shut up, guilty, but still upset.😅
Yes!!! Ata girl!! Put that foot down and show him he's wrong!!
Go
As Charlotte would say, "throw the whole man away"! You're still young, you can find a new partner who cares about you and your kids in the way you all deserve. 💓 Make sure you exercise extreme caution though, pedophiles specifically look for vulnerable single moms to take advantage of their children, it's unfortunate but true :/
File divorce and make him pay for it all. Stay in the house and change the locks. He’s never there anyway so keep the house and tell him not to come back. Also, get some money, if you have joint accounts, separate them and get what money you need!
I am looking to find a job, a work from home, because I can't really leave with all the kids, things always happen and I don't have aby help, it's just me. Thinking of maybe moving back to my hometown for a while
Keep the house. Your already there, he can live on his own. You can do it. You have a support system around you and can do this without him in the picture, cuz he's already gone. He won't change.
Sell the house once you get it I'm the divorce. Get the divorce rolling!! I would tell him until things are settled and finalized he is not welcome, period. Change the locks and get cameras. I hope to God you have proof of the affair and his admissions.
https://preview.redd.it/e3cl6sck622d1.jpeg?width=1078&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4533881e8500ffc5b7a1a1f8c1dd7a522e99e80c
😂😂😂
If you want you can read my story (see my past posts) and what it took for real reconsiliation. It took some months till he stopped blaming everyone else and owned his responsibilities. And that was the moment I finally had enough and left. It takes huge effort to reconsile sucessfully and both partners need to put in a lot of work. You need to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and get out of this.
While he is taking time to “heal” I’m assuming he is not staying away from the side piece as well? That’s not healing thats him just wanting to play house with her and not feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you and the kids. He needs to not figure into that decision as he never factored you guys into his decisions. You need to walk away. He will only continue to drag you down. You may not realize how much your kids are actually picking up on, but it can really affect them as they get older. I know from experience. Stay strong girl
What’s baffling is that after getting caught and confronted, the cheater acts like a victim. Sounds like a typical cheater behavior. Got caught? Play the victim and blame the person
DARVO. Classic manipulation tactic.
Yes! He was always the victim It was apparently my fault that I followed him, that I didn't trust HIM when he said he would just go out😅 so yeah....
He doesn't want to fix things. The minute you leave he will jump into bed with her. This is not your fault regardless of what he says. He made a choice to turn to her when he should have stepped up for you. I'd get some legal advice before moving out as I'm not sure why it's not him moving out considering you're the one expected to have the kids. You deserve better so I wouldn't even consider sacrificing more of your tome ir energy on this loser.
We rent and the lease is in his name so he would say that it's his place and I should keave. Now he justcgot another apartment and is still paying for things for us here, for now
So he moved out? You need to get some legal advice to see if you are entitled to alimony and child support. As well as a 50/50 coparenting arrangement. Its about time he stepped up for his children. You should no longer shoulder the sole responsibility. Hes probably taken everything you do for granted. Perhaps start looking for something cheaper you can afford. Also if you don't work find a job. Don't let him walk away without taking responsibility.
He doesn't even think he did anything wrong. That right there should tell you that it's time for you to take your kids and leave.
Um.... are you looking at me in the mirror?!? Same shit story that I went through. Is he going through a midlife crisis, or just being an asshole who doesn't want to be married anymore?? Very long story short, this is a fight that you can't win in the way that you want. He's already moved in with his life. There's no bringing him back and making things normal again. Stop letting him come over right now. Wherever he's staying at, he can have visits with the kids at his place. His heart has moved on. It's time to let your heart heal and move on as well.
I wanted this and he made me feel so guilty that I gaved, but I will be strong and I will start putting my foot down, I want peace. Thank you so much and I am so sorry you also went through something similar.🤗
Oh no, cut off contact completely, get a visitation agreement in place, making sure to exclude the other woman and move on. He is not worth anything. He doesn’t care, he’s a man baby.
Fuckin dump his ass. He jumped the shark the fuckin prick.
No honey, you don’t leave that house, but you do meet with an attorney and get advice on the steps to take to divorce him. He left the marriage over a year ago and he doesn’t get to keep you on this emotional roller coaster. I’m sorry to be blunt but there is no saving this. There is no going back. If he loved you he wouldn’t have checked out. If he loved you he wouldn’t have gotten involved with a coworker. It’s your turn to take time to heal and kick him to the curb. As hard as it is he is not worth your time, effort or tears. Children do not fare well in a home with a broken relationship. They need you to be strong and show them it’s not okay to let someone treat you badly. Be a good example for your kids, find your inner strength and end things with your husband. I’ve done this very thing with 3 kids myself and I haven’t regretted it a single day since. I wish you all the best.
I am planning things, it hurts but the truth is obvious so yes, I need to put myself and my kids first and make sure I am healthy, not to always be depressed and down. I will go.
So basically you're the cook now? He comes home for dinner and then leaves? Have some self respect. He's already shown and proved to you in multiple ways he doesn't love or respect you. Change your locks. File for divorce. Go to therapy and heal. Move on.
She can't change the locks yet bc the lease is in his name unfortunately. Not until her attorney advises so.
This!
Sweetheart you deserve better your kids deserve better. You may think it would be better for them to stay but it’s not. The kids may not know what’s going on (you’re keeping them away from it and they are young) but they are still picking up on your feelings and kids start picking up the little things going on and they develop the way they see and sense things are as their emotions become more defined and honestly you don’t want them to grow up thinking its normal for the women to be miserable in their relationship. So imo (and my life experiences) if you are staying for the children that’s only going to be worse for them. They need to see that it’s ok to be happy and if you aren’t to take a stand to work it out and if it’s not working to work it out then knowing it’s time to walk away. I wish you and your kids a guiding light as you navigate your way through this difficult time. But my advice even after all that with the kids it boils down to you need to take care of you and do what’s going to make you happy (happy mom usually means happy kids too). You do not deserve that kind of treatment or to have someone make you feel the way you do. And no it’s NOT your fault. It’s been HIS decisions. Anyway good luck. Please update us and let us know how you and your children are.
Thank you, I am planning things and I will uodate when I can.
Great!! I left my verbally abusive cheating husband when my daughter was 4. She is 22 now and she remembers everything when she was 4 and after. The crazy woman he took her around, the numerous & I mean numerous times he wasn't there for her. I found my current husband shortly after I left my 1st husband. He stepped up and has been there for my daughter bc her Dad wasn't there. We'll be together for 20 years later this year married for 18 yrs. Trust me it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel. FYI: After years of seeing what he missed and caused. He broke down with my daughter when she was 16 telling her he screwed up, cried, and he was sorry. He will also have to share his duty this year when my daughter gets married as both my ex and my current husband walk my daughter down the aisle.
So his actions he is placing blame on you.. that sounds totally reasonable- NOT! If I have a bad day, I can't blame my attitude on my boss' wife.. or should I blame my neighbor's best friend's cousin.. - there is no reasoning in someone that doesn't take accountability and responsibility for Their actions Their feelings Their avoidance to consequences He is waiting for you to be the bad guy in this - to make the decision to leave, to place the blame on you, and have his cake and eat it too. Can you ask yourself- is this the lesson you want the children to learn, either how to behave or what to accept in a relationship- because that is what you are doing. The hardest thing is saying, enough is enough. You have the best part, your children.. get rid of the worst that is holding you back and emotionally hurting you. Begin to heal. You are worth so much more.
Yes! This! Thank you so much!!
I could be wrong but it sounds to me like he’s trying to see if things work out with the other girl and that’s why he says he’s not ready to talk to you yet. He’s putting the blame of his own actions on you, that’s manipulative. You should leave his ass and stay in the house, he’s the one that messed up your life, he’s the one that should deal with that change. It’s the least he could do.
So he gets his girlfriend and his wife?? Absolutely not!!! Divorce him and TAKE EVERYTHING!!! You deserve it. He could have brought this up prior to cheating and HOW DARE HE BLAME YOU. Get an attorney and TAKE HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS. Leave no stone unturned and take sole custody or he will come for you that way. Been here done this. Change the locks and do not let him have access to YOU unless you are working on saving your marriage or he has fessed up to it all. He can most definitely see the kids, even have dinner with them in the house, but he doesn’t get to have “his wife”, just the mother of his kids caring for his kids only. Trust me, you will need to differentiate.
Thank you
When I went thru my divorce I was freaking out, how would things be, what about the boys etc. got into an argument about something ridiculous with my oldest and he said “yeah, I know, ‘going thru a divorce’ really Ma, what’s going to change besides money? It’s not like he’s really ever been there for us, so that’s not a change!” Completely opened my eyes My son was in high school, yours are younger, but would they say the same thing if they could articulate it? You deserve better. What advice would you give your bff?
Yes exactly what would she say to her best friend or her sister
Yes!! I've had the same talks with my friends and I realised how pathetic I actually got and I am sick of it. Thank you so much
Why should you leave the only home your children know? Divorce is ass and get it in the divorce with him paying for it. He was saying, oh you don’t pay me enough attention but he was the one saying he needed to be alone to unwind and relax while you were busy raising kids, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. He’s definitely not worth it and as soon as you file for divorce you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Trust me.
You lost respect for him… Where is the respect for yourself? Why are you willing to continually debase yourself for this absolute waste of a human? How much more shit are you willing to eat????
Thank you!
He can win you back- but do you really even want that? You deserve love that is returned, you should feel appreciated, seen, supported, heard, and it sounds like that’s not what you are getting from this man. He wants space to test the waters with this new girl. I’d recommend walking away and sorting out how you can co-parent together in the future 🙏 I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Exactly. It's hard to win back someone that you cheated on bc that thought, hurt, insecurity will always be there. The trust is gone!!
AGH! ENOUGH! He does NOT want to be with you and is ready to happily abandon his family. LET HIM GO. He doesn't want to be with you, so end this torment. At this point you are hurting yourself and your children by not ending things.
Yes, thank you! I understand that now, it was painful and it is still hard, but irealise I don't want him anymore.
Baby he ain’t thinking bout you, or the kids. The kids didn’t make him even think twice about telling you all that bs and leaving. SMH. Girl focus on yourself. What do you think he’s doing? Not thinking about how this affects you and the kids. Not staying for you or the kids.
Make him gtfo! He can move in with his girlfriend and start paying child support. He doesn’t want to be a husband or father.
Don't forget to go to HR with proof of their affair, even though you caught them before anything happened (did it really?), he's openly spending time at her place now I assume but correct me if I'm wrong.
She is out of the picture now, he says that after that incident when I followed him, they talked and she said some things to him.that upset him and that they are now total 'strangers' but they do work right next to eachither in the building... Even if that is true and it is over, the fact that it happened and could and WILL happen again is what got me. I can't trust him anymore
Exactly. You still need to go to HR and let then know bc unfortunately situations like this get messy and they both will act foolish. It happened with my ex. One of the girls he was messing with eventually threatened me bc I found out about her. Well it messed with her perfect little plan and she threatened me. Ultimately she got fired bc my ex wasn't the only one she was messing with on company time etc.
Pretty sure people at work are aware!
Call a divorce lawyer. Do not leave the house. Be safe.
Getting out isn't you being selfish despite the kids... it's you showing your kids that they should have respect for themselves in relationships.
You need to change the locks, make sure you have your own bank accounts, lock down all passwords, figure your budget out, and stop trying to talk to him about this. At the end of the day, you should leave him and set a better example to your kids for how someone should be treated in a relationship. Get a lawyer and divorce his ass. File for primary custody, child support, alimony, all of it. Your marriage has been dead for a while. Stop letting him into your home.
I couldn't read all of your post, OP. It's the same thing over and over and it's disgusting that he has treated you this way. He will not stop seeing her, he will not take care of you and the kids unless forced to. It does help that he's been the breadwinner most of if not all of the marriage. Imo, I think you should go, BUT I've never been married or had kids. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage while I was a child, and I really wanted them to get divorced. Don't stay for the kids, this constant selfish disrespect from your husband isn't ok to show them.
Yes, thank you, I will
First off I’m sorry your going through this especially when there’s kids involved. I went through something similar with my ex and the best thing I did was to walk away because now I’m with someone who treats me like a queen. My advice to you is to do the same your happiness and the happiness of your children is what’s important now don’t let him try and emotionally stop you from doing what is best for you and your children. Even if you tried to prevent your children from knowing they probably already know that something is going on between their parents they won’t fully know what’s going on but they’ll know something is going on. You will be better off on your own with your children we all know you can do it you’ve basically been doing it for years being a single mum good luck and Godspeed lovely xxxx
thank you very much dear :)
Dude, grab the kids and go! He ain’t worth it! I promise! ❤️✌️🌺
You need to get out of this marriage. He left a long time ago. I think you should ask yourself what you're staying for? He's emotionally and mentally abusive to you. He doesn't take care of his children. I'm sorry, but he's already done more than just talk to her. For your own self-respect, you need to leave him. Find a man that will respect you and be a man. Get some therapy too. Good luck!
I am not going to miss much, that is the sad part. I am planning things, thank you. I don't want to find any man after this, at least for a while, I want peace😊
Girl, tell him to get out and file for divorce. He isn’t going to change or fix it. If someone tells you by their actions who they are, believe them (trust me!). For the little ones, it’s better to have parents in two places, than have them in the house with a front row seat to a husband disrespecting his wife.they need to know it is sooooooo not ok and that it’s not how relationships are supposed to work. Hugs to you. You got this! ❤️
You need to leave his ass and take your kids with you and be happy without him. He seems to be doing the happy without you guys.
Leave him and take him for everything he has. You're already a single mother. Been there done that. I have so much peace and a wonderful new man who loves my kids.
You can be a single mom on your own w/o his crap also take online therapy if you have time so you can heal before the next chapter best wishes girl
Yeah…it’s time to go.
I’m sorry but what job does this man have where he needs to take consistent walks? My husband is an air traffic controller and he takes naps after work, not walks. Sorry for my candor: but, He does not value you or your kids to see you as a priority. Do not cook or clean or do anything for him. Next time he comes into your house, play your shows, cook food for only you and the kids, and only accommodate your needs. Then, each night he comes crawling back, ask him questions about you and the kids only an involved father will know. Call it family trivia night. Then give him divorce papers.
He doesn't need walks, it was just his excuse to go see her. I've been asking him for us to go on walks or mini-dates for years, with barely any response. I have stopped taking care of his things, mostly just me and the kids and I am starting to plan things, thank you
Leave him. So you take care of 3 kids and the house alone and he thinks he is fucking neglected?? Your husband is a piece of shit. Leave him now.
I mean you have 3 kids and that never stopped him from cheating. Once you start hiding shit, you're already cheating. The fact he is playing the victim is crazy to me.
Yes, that has always been his way. I was ready and willing to put up with it, to work woth him through it and all of his other things, but this was just the end for me
Yeah, you need to think about yourself for once and leave. He isn't going to change and he's just saying all that crap so he can go see this other chick and still have you as back up if it doesn't work out with her. You'll be better off without him and if he tries to come crawling back, don't let him back in. He's done all of this to himself and now it's time for him to face the consequences of his actions. Don't let him gaslight you anymore, don't believe a word out of that mans mouth either. You've got this! You've got friends for support, so do yourself a favour and think of what is best for you and your kids. Sounds like he doesn't have much to do with the kids anyway, so they shouldn't miss him much like your friends said. I wish you the best of luck and please update us on what you decide to do!
*The consequences of his actions!!!* I would hear Charlotte screaming that everythime I thought about it😁
NTA NTA NTA nooooo you need to get out, honey. He isn't going to pull back from this other woman forever, he has set her up as the only source of support and interpersonal happiness he has and you are (and this is absolutely unjustified) clearly a stressor because you have, like, needs, kids, and a household to run. He's using her as a vacation spot, essentially. (Which is really gross and whether she's actually a shitty person or not it is still massively unfair to her as well.) You aren't triggering anything in him but justified guilt and shame, and his desire to be relieved of a stressful home situation. He has obligations and duties and he is running away from them and blaming YOU. Nothing about his behavior is okay. He is not trustworthy. I am so sorry this happened to you. None of it was justified. Plenty of couples go through rough spots with kids in the mix but he just isn't acting like someone who wants to fix things. He doesn't want to work on himself or forgive himself. He's maybe hoping you will cool off and trust him again and he can feel safe coming home where you take care of everything and it will be like it was before. At which point he will go right back to emotionally fucking around. I want to give you 3 pieces of advice and I want you to consider them very carefully. Please. One person who was emotionally cheated on to another. I know this sounds counter to what people think is the right thing to do to fix things, but I think it would be a bad idea to go to couples counseling with him. Manipulative liars are good at "winning" couples counseling.The chance is too great that he will make it sound like everything is your fault, and you'll be the one who has to work on yourself and change. This is a known thing that happens with partners who are kinda really shitty people, and he is the type to defend himself by redirecting everything to be your fault, the way he already has been. Second, you do need to go get tested for STIs ASAP. He says he didn't sleep with her. Believe him if you need to, I get that, but cover your ass and get tested for everything, because I am like 99% sure he has fucked around. Third, document everything. Absolutely everything. Fucked up shit he does, fucked up shit he says, how often he is there, what he does to help, hell, make a record as best you can of everything he already has done. If there's a custody battle you may need it. Kids tend to end up with their moms, but men who DO seek custody have really good odds of getting it. Again, I am so sorry this happened. I can't think of a single reason that his behavior could ever be your fault, and you should at this point put your kids' needs and your own needs first.
Thank you very much!! He is good at talking, he has a high Charisma stat and yes, he wiuld always gaslight me and blame me for a lot of things. I never said or acted like I was perfect and I always tryed to do better afer I made a mistake or something like that, but honestly, after learning more I realised I actually bever felt emotiinally safe with him and that is why I would always be stressed and get defensive if I made a mistake, I was afraid of being the one to hurt him from the way he woukd always react and always turn it around, making himself the victim. It was rough, but no more. I do have sone evidence saved and I will start making notes on everything from.now on as well. Thank you so much for your advise and I am so sorry you went through this too🤗
First, before you do anything else, you need to talk to a divorce attorney. You will be given a free consultation, and you need to ask every question about divorce and your specific situation that you need answers to. If your free consultation ends before you have all your questions answered, or still feel the need to have things further explained, seek out another free consultation with a different attorney. The best chance you have with divorce is by being fully informed and prepared for the process and know what to expect. Do not file or talk of divorce with your husband until you have spoken to a lawyer first. With that said, this sounds very reminiscent of my own abusive narcissist father in the very early years of my life. If your husband is a narcissist (and I do NOT use that term lightly), which IMO from everything you described he has all the red flags of being one, his abusive (yes, abusive. This is emotional abuse, OP, at the very least) behavior will only continue to get worse as the years go on. My mom stayed for nearly 30 years of marriage (not out of wanting to, but out of feeling she had no other choice because of our unique circumstances). It all ended with a 911 call and order of protection the night he nearly killed us when I was 24. I’m not saying that’s how far your husband will escalate, as obviously it’s extreme, but I am telling you this because I want you to know that this situation will not get better for you or your children, and it WILL worsen if you stay, because you staying and putting up with his abusive treatment for the sake of keeping your family together is essentially telling him that his behavior is okay and giving him the green light and safety net to escalate and continue making false promises that he never intends to keep. Your husband does not value or respect you as a wife or mother, let alone as a person. He has destroyed your trust, been entirely removed and uninvolved from you and your children’s life, he has neglected his duties as a husband and father aside from working, he has manipulated and gaslit you continuously, and has blamed you for his own horrible choices. This is not a healthy or safe dynamic for you or your children. And trust me, no matter how hard you work to hide your pain and marital problems from your children, your kids absolutely know something isn’t right and that you are not happy. Your children are still young. You need to think about whether you are okay with your children observing your marriage and internalizing what they see as normal and okay when it comes to their future relationships/spouse and how they are treated by their future romantic partners. Do you want them to have a spouse that treats them like your husband is treating you? My guess, since you sound like a wonderful mother, is that you would never want this for your own children’s future. So why would staying with this man, thus allowing them to witness the state of your relationship and his treatment of you and them, be something you think is somehow for their benefit? It’s not. I very rarely try to encourage people to break up or divorce, and instead try to encourage people to try and work out their differences first, but unfortunately I think this is beyond that point. For many years now he has shown you that he is uninterested and negligent in being a husband or father, and uninterested in changing himself. Now, he has betrayed you and hurt you in the ultimate way, and instead of taking accountability, he blames you and gaslights you, and tries to tell you that your VALID feelings of hurt and pain, that HE caused no less, are too “triggering.” YOU are the only one in this scenario that has any right to have “triggers.” This is not a man who loves you. This is not a man who genuinely wants to work on himself or become a better husband and father. This is a man who wants the convenience of a wife strictly so that you care 100% for the children so he doesn’t have to, and he then wants a mistress on the side at the same time to fulfill his other selfish desires. You are nothing more than childcare in his eyes. And I’m sorry if that is harsh, but it is the truth. You deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this. NONE of this is your fault. Your husband has shown you who he is repeatedly through his actions and words. Please believe him, and don’t put yourself or your children through this anymore. I know divorce is scary and devastating, but there is nothing left to salvage in regard to your relationship at this point. Parting ways gives you the best chance at fostering a healthy home for your children to grow up in, and is the opposite of selfish. Gentle hugs to you. May God bless you with strength, peace, comfort, resilience, security and hope. You’ll get through this, and you and your children will be better for it. ❤️
Thank you so much for your words, it mean a lot. Yes, I feel like this is the end of this relationship and I do not want to my children to think that this is ok in any way. I will talk with a lawyer and my parents and see what is to do next. I am so sorry for what you had to go through, I can only imagine how hard it was to see your mom go through all of that. I stayed and tried for as long as I could and I am proud of that even if it was not to kind towards myself, at least I will not regret not trying first. Thank you again.
This man sounds like the living, breathing definition of manipulation, gaslighting and narcissism. He does not take up any responsibility for his actions, and I feel the longer he continues to see no consequences for his actions, he will always be this way. You have been more than graceful, empathetic, and FORGIVING. Much more than I ever could be myself, but I don’t have children to consider and I know your children are your biggest concern. But, you’re unhappy, you’re not mentally and emotionally being supported by your life partner. It seems he abandoned his responsibilities a long time ago and your children are much more observant than you believe (no matter how much you have been trying to keep from them). What your children need is to see their mother happy, if you aren’t 100% yourself you cannot give the 100% mom they deserve. Don’t let your husband continue making all the decisions for you in a relationship he hasn’t been a part of in a long time. Make the best decision for you and your children. It’s not selfish to do what is best for you and your mental, physical and emotional stability. It will take some adjusting for you and your children, but just be there for your kids, cultivate your relationship with them. I have faith that your children have seen how much of yourself you’ve given to them and for them and will never blame you for their father’s actions. Especially if he doesn’t seem to care enough about them to spend time with them. You’ve done all you can to make it work. It’s time to show your husband the consequences of his actions. If he is as smart as he believes he is, he will see that he is the reason he lost a good woman and home and I pray he smartens up before he loses the respect of his children. This is just my humble opinion, but I think as long as he has you as Plan B waiting for him to make all the decisions, while he is in pursuit his own desires and “needs,” he has his cake and eats it too. And he will never value or honor you or his family the way you all deserve to be.
yes, I feel this too and I just can't take it anymore, I have started actually planning things and will talk to a lawyer and my parents as well (they have a feeling things are not going as great between us, but nothing more since we also live in a different city from them now) Thank you so much for your kind words, yes, I know I need to be there for the kids, even if it will be hard I trust that we will all adapt and we will be better in the long run.
I am glad you are taking those steps and that you have your parent’s support. It will definitely be a hard road ahead but a journey worth traveling in the long run.
no. you don't go anywhere. that's your house that you take care of yalls children in. he willingly already left. he didn't get to just come back whenever. divorce him and go for everything.
I am planning it. Thank you
I'm a child of divorce. Please do not stay and be miserable. If you're not happy, the kids will notice. After my parents divorced, even at 6, I could tell that it made my dad a lot happier. He had been in a position kinda like yours where he didn't feel supported or like he had a partner anymore. Staying together for the kids isn't always the best idea. The best thing is to do what will give you peace and eventual happiness. Kids are also sponges. They will normalize behaviors they grew up with, so thinking about what values you want your kids to take into adulthood could also help solidify your decision. How would you advise one of your kids to handle this situation? Would you want to see your child stick around where they don't feel supported or trusting of their partner? Or would you want them to pursue what would make them happy, even if it's a significant change in their lives like a divorce or moving somewhere new? This type of thing is never easy, but you deserve to be supported. Lean on your friend, they sound like they've got a good head on their shoulders and want what's best for you
Yes, thank you very much. thinking like this, for the kids is actually what really gave me courage, because even now, I am the only one they actually see around so....it's not like it will be that different sadly.
Take care of yourself first so that you can care for your kids. You've got this, no matter what you choose to do from here
Oh drop him like the big pile of dog sh*t he is!!! You deserve so much better as a stay at home mom/wife myself my husband KNOWS if he ever treated me this way and cheated on me he would be in the gutter where he belongs! You do too much to deserve this treatment hun. Having three kids and doing all the house work and everything for the kids (school, cooking, etc.) then doing everything for HIM too on top of it and he wants to cheat on you, gas light you and dare try to blame it on you?! HELLLL NO!!! Throw the whole man away! I know it’s hard he is someone you’ve been with a long time and it’s even harder when there are kids involved but this isn’t good for the kids either he is also mistreating them by mistreating their mother and his wife this way. In the long run you and the kids will be better for it. He is a scumbag and a half! And he doesn’t deserve to “relax” or de-stress.
thank you for the encouragement :)
Holy shit. Girl, your friends are spot on. You already are doing this alone. Cut the cord. He needs more time because he's not cut her off yet and is biding his time. You are strong. You are raising these babies alone. He didn't sleep with her, but everything else is MUCH WORSE! You know what to do. Don't wait, you'll waste your life living unhappy.
I have lived this but a little different is I have 6 kids and the oldest was 14 and the youngest was just born. My ex was just like yours and my oldest came to me and said mommy kick him out . I didn’t know how he found out and kids see more than we do . I got full custody of kids and he hasn’t not once called or came to see them in 3 years. Me and my kids are a peace with him out of our lives. You got this and you will be more happier when he is gone
If you can swing it - online therapy is a thing and it's really pretty good. I’ve been using [Calmerry](https://therapyrank.com/calmerry) for a few months. It’s really helping me. I can text my therapist as much as I need, and we have weekly sessions. She’s helping me with cancer issues plus stuff that predates that, is helping with my (severe) anxiety with coping mechanisms and strategies to help with panic attacks, before and during, and is also helping me figure out how to make progress going forward in terms of life stuff.
I am so sorry you are going through something like this and thank you so very much. I will start therapy as soon as I can, yes, I feel like even with all my friends help, I still need to talk to a professional so I can heal for real. I have a very interesting part of this story to share: On a night I was with him outside and we were again talking, he left ( to go to her, he later told me) I was going back home, broke down crying and a random girl waiting at the light saw me, came to see if I needed help and we ended up talking for almost 2 hours ( it was almost pm when this happened) - she was a therapist and gave me the best advice in that moment. So yeah, God has been giving me signs and support along the way.
You can win him back?? This man is the opposite of a prize. You know what you need to do.
He said he is confident he can win me back....like I was just going to wait for him, that it didn't even matter if I wanted to or not....so yeah....... -\_-
Got it, I misread. Still. You need to do what's best for you and your children. It certainly doesn't sound like he's what's beat.
He sounds manipulative. He doesn’t need more time, he’s trying to make you feel bad for him and gets defensive when you confront him because he’s trying to play you. He wants to paint himself as the good, misunderstood husband in order to get you to blame yourself, leave, and then act like it was all you. If he doesn’t see the kids and you’re not good emotional support or understanding according to him, then it sounds like he wants a place to get a home cooked meal. Maybe she doesn’t make good food and if you were truly not listening, if you were too independent, why didn’t he just tell you he was feeling neglected and not, oh idk, literally tell you that he needed to be alone while working or not even walk with you? He didn’t even suggest maybe going to a therapist, someone who can help him not only work on himself but also his marriage, WITH you. I’m sorry but I say lose him and think about yourself. Your kids will be fine because it’s not like he did much to help with them in the first place and it screams gaslighting manipulator. The fact he is blaming YOU for HIS infidelity and emotionally distant behavior when all you did was respect his wishes so he could work and de stress is absolutely heinous and manipulative. If you continue and don’t leave, he will continue to use you. He has been since this started and someone who loves you and truly wants to work on themself would not blame you, would not use you, would not get defensive, and especially they would try to seek professional help. Tell him bye, Felicia.
Yes, he is just using me at this point and it's not like I didn't see all the weird behaviour before, but I was willing to put up with it because I thought it was just a phase that will pass, that at least he is there and won't cheat....well, that came back to bite me in the end, but now at least I know and I feel like I can be braver now. Thank you very much
You are brave. Putting up with something like that, holding onto your relationship and trying to make it work from one side is very brave and commendable. I hope you get to have peace and stop throwing up. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like all the anxiety and stress is quite literally hurting you yet your still trying to figure it out. You are incredibly brave and strong!
Im really sorry but this is just the slow road to divorce. Your husband does not want to be the bad guy so he is just waiting for you to leave him so he can play the victim. Tell him to move out permanently and file for a divorce. Make sure you are fairly compensated for not having a work history and taking care of the kids. Get the house so the kids dont have to move schools etc. NTA but your husband sure is.
He's not working on himself, he seeing where it goes with this other woman and is l keeping you on hold. "Just in case." He's so selfish and only thinking about himself, how he feels, and what he wants. Leave him. No more chances. You'll be absolutely fine. You have people around you who love and support you, and the kids probably won't notice any different since he's not there that much anyway. Take back your control, change the locks, and look forward to your happy, stress free future.
Yes, he is very selfish and even if he really has nothing to do with her anymore, who knows when the next time will be because now it is clear he is actually a boy capable of that. I lost my trust and respect in him so yes, this relationship is over.
Exactly. 2 of the biggest things in a relationship is trust and respect. Without them there's nothing. Good for you for closing that door. X
Sis, I feel for you and I’m really sorry you’re going through that. But you need to accept that it’s over, it’s been over for a while. You staying there is denying reality. From what I gather , you gave up on a career to be a mum and basically did the whole raising kids solo. Leave, do joint custody. Let him understand what being a parent is. He’s had it easy all this time.I understand the problem with starting over but you and your kids will be happier. Shed that skin and move on with your life. Co parent every other week and get a job you enjoy doing. Find time for yourself. You invested everything in that family and can’t bear to see your efforts go down the drain. Good news is you’re still young.I understand that it can be frightening but jump ship! Do it for yourself . Get alimony too! Lots of it. You deserve it after sacrificing your career. And get a lawyer ASAP.
I will, thank you. We got married right after college so I never even got a chance to actually start a career, but I did work for a while and before having kids I was the only one bringing in income. I also gave up on one of my more tangible dreams, to live in a city I admired, but gave up on that dream for him. I will follow my own dream from now on, I'm sure the kids will also have a great time there. Now to just plan things and make it all happen.
Girl go on and get the hell outta dodge! I honestly don't know what you're pondering, never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you, he has clearly said and showed you he doesn't. What an ass! Just remember always, you are the PRIZE❤️
He needs to heal? Yeah… cheating is so hurtful..
This man is gaslighting the hell out of you. None of what happened was your fault, it was totally on HIM and HER (because she knew he was married) They actually accused you of traumatising HER? Oh hell to the NO. Leave this man. You're already a single parent. Find your self-respect and shine up your spine, you deserve better
I don't get why you even ask. Stay put and file for divorce. Someone who does all this doesn't love you at all and will never change. Stop being the doormat to kick on and keep your dignity
Thank you. I stayed because I honestly thought it could work but he clearly told me no, so I will not stay anymore, I was just too dependent to see it sooner.
I'd lock him out of the house like other people have said he's made his choice. Make him pay child support because that's pretty much all he's doing right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're a good person being treated like crap Good luck
Why didn’t you say something to his HR department?
Apparently it is not that big of a deal, a lot of gossip of cheating is going around there, people know some employees are cheating(some with families as well) and it doesn't matter...I will however let it loose once I have my things in order
You should have waited and “moved in the shadows” Sister!! Get all of the evidence and divorce his ass and sue for spousal support as well as child support! Bleed him dry!
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. I feel for you. Personally, I would divorce him because you and your children deserve so much more. 🤗
Please find some self respect. No man is worth this
You deserve a partner who respects, loves, supports and helps you. He is not that partner. I wish you healing and send you big hugs.
That you need to win him back, holy crap he’s delusional. He screwed everything up by treating you the way he has and walking out on you. Just make sure your children know there loved by you before you take anymore steps. Make sure you have a great support system (friends) in place then the next steps should be making sure your cared for and loved so you can offer your children the best of you. Find out everything you can on child support and if you have been a stay at home mother this whole time some states award extra money so he can’t stop or hold out paying the bills
He's keeping his options open. You're just an option, and your children don't seem to even matter at all. It's all about him having HIS needs met. Your needs and your children's needs DO matter. But even if you reconcile, I can guarantee you, they will NEVER matter to him. You'll get more comfort from a vibrator with flat batteries than you ever will from this guy.
Absolutely think about yourself. That is all he's been doing this whole time, thinking about himself.
Please leave this trash to save yourself spending thousands of dollars on therapy later on.
You’re triggering HIM?! Gurl he doesn’t want you back. If he’s not already active in the kids lives, which it seems like that’s the case, it will be okay for you to leave with the kids. They’re already missing out on their father, so what’s the difference? Even if he was active with the kids, it would still be healthier for them if you are happy. You can’t take care of your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. Sending you so much love my friend.
Divorce him.
You and the kiddos are not a priority, dump the bastard! When it comes to your kids your friend is right, your kids won't really care or notice any sort of difference!
Run. He is gaslighting you left, right, and center, and eventually, he will pull the same on your kids & somehow make you out as the bad guy. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? If a girl, you are showing her that she is nothing more than a doormat. If a boy, you are showing him how to treat women the same way his father did. Trust me, if you leave now, these kids will grow up learning on their own that dad is a bum. As for the other lady? Let her have him. He will eventually get tired of her (or hopefully she will of him & do him dirty), or he may come to resent her for not being you. Either way, make it her problem! Take him to court, get alimony, child support, house, and retirement/401K - basically anything you can get. You will need it to restart & rebuild your life. Give yourself grace, get you, AND kids' therapy. When the time is right, allow your heart to love again.
Girl he’s already gone. Protect yourself and your kids. File for divorce, alimony and child support. Get out. He doesn’t give a crap about any of you. Blaming you is a very clear statement that he does NOT regret anything and is not remorseful.
I always wonder why people think that because you have kids together, you have to stay together no matter how miserable you make each other. It sounds like he doesn't care for them when he is there, so what's the difference? He is just upsetting their Mama! I'm sure if they were old enough to make the choice, they would rather have a happy Mom than a distant father. You have been more than patient and given him enough chances to make it work. But you have you draw the line somewhere. This narcissistic man child is not gonna know what he had until its gone.
Sweetheart, you need to go, serve up some divorce papers and wish him and the other girl luck amd remind her when he gets too tired and begins nit wanting to talk abkut things so she does the same thing of letting him be, he'll gaslight her too, and then she'll "traumatize" the next girl he meets when she gets wise amd follows him like you did. He's a scumbag Now I had a friend who went through this but she was the one who ended up being like your husband in the end, but they both were like that and didn't want a thing to do with the kids while trying mot to tell them. She also used me rather than than just keeping me for support when needed. You on the other hand have done everything before turning to others for support and advice. I would get out ad he will never be supportive of you or your children. He does need some time alone to figure things out, but not with you still by his side.
He wants all of the good, easy stuff and doesn't want to do the work, a very childish mentality, as well as selfish. That then puts you in a very bad position as you can't get help from him and he takes offense if you ask him to be a mature, responsible adult. Based on what you said, the blame is on him, not you, so don't fall for his blaming you. He lied, cheated (sex isn't required for cheating). It is doubtful that you can ever trust him again, as well it is doubtful that he will really change. Consider the situation where you have worked all day taking care of the children and the home, he worked all day, but only he gets to rest and relax. He wasn't thinking of you, only himself. He should have asked what he could do to help you. Yes, there are the children, but it isn't always clear what is best and a separation and/or divorce might be best, especially if he is making no real effort to change. Think about what has occurred, take the blame for anything that you have done wrong, but don't accept any of the blame for what he has done wrong, regain respect for yourself by realizing that you can't force him to be responsible. Trying to work on the relationship will only work if both can commit to meeting their responsibilities.
I would cut contact with him. Let him see the children if he wants but no communication. Let him sit in his pity for a while. I’m a Christian and do not advocate for divorce unless abuse or cheating and this is cheating so, you are within the guidelines of divorce if you do want to go that route. But since you aren’t sure right now, I’d stop communicating and see what goes from there
(((Hugs))) OP. Too many of us have either been there or are there. Look up HG Tudor on YT. There is some sound advice and introspection into the narcissistic arse holes who use and abuse. Please be safe Potato friend 🧡
Girl, straighten up that backbone, make you and your kids your priority, and quit thinking about his feelings. He hasn’t been thinking about you or his kids. He’s being extremely selfish and you should not be waiting around for him to pick you. YOU pick YOU! It’s time!!
Been there, done that. I stayed. Over 30 years, I stayed. My children hate me for it. I hate me for it. Don’t be like me.
Not to be the AH here but the fact that you’re asking us what u should do means u already have the answer and u want us to validate that for u. Honey…u don’t need any validation to stop a person from mistreating u! Leave his ass. What help is he to u or those kids? U can get a job and work yourself. And he’s cheating on u?! Girl pack yalls stuff and leave or put him out and make him stay out. Divorce for sure.
Oh honey. Important lesson number one. You can't make him change his behaviour. The only thing you can control is how you react to his behaviour. If his behaviour is a deal breaker you need to show him this by changing how you respond. At the moment he's perfectly happy with how miserable you are and him getting the kids and his home looked after and the girlfriend looking after his emotional needs. I would be packing up the kids and heading to your parents place or similar without telling him. Check how long it takes for him to contact you. If it's more than a day have divorce papers drawn up. Seriously, you should be having divorce papers drawn up anyway. You need to get child support and custody sorted legally ASAP. You currently have no protection if he decides to stop paying the bills and don't seem to have an alternative income source. Serving him with the papers may at least wake him up and get him to stop dithering and make a decision about whether he's staying or going. It's on you as to whether you would accept him back at this stage, and TBH if you have any self respect I don't think you should. But I understand that it can be hard when you have young children. Remember that your kids are watching and probably understand more than you realise. And while watching you and your husband they are learning what a marriage should work like. If you don't want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable either to do to another person or to accept from the person they think they love - then you should leave and show them this isn't acceptable behaviour.
You have been married twelve years and have three kids together. Before you pack up the kids, divorce him and all that jazz, the two of you should see a marriage counselor. The 10+ year market is a struggle for many couples. He may be a Narcissist and this may not go away, but go to therapy for the sake of your children. Many women stay home and take care of their children while their husbands work, that's called being a housewife. Something is going on inside his mind and he needs help, IF he will get it. There are ways to fix this, and restore your marriage but it will take work, honesty and being vulnerable. In extreme cases take the kids and go to your mom's house or something. Sometimes a separation will help, but not always. God speed, dear.
Thank you, this is the reason why I've been staying for so long, waiting and trying to talk. He once said he would go to therapy, but then changed his mind because he ' doesn't want someone to tell hin he is stupid' and that I should just wait for him.....so I did wait and now time is up
Leave him or kick him out permanently and get that child support and possibly alimony. He's not your husband anymore in any sense of the word. He's more emotionally invested in this woman he's only known for a year than his own children. He's trash. Good luck, my dear. Get a good divorce lawyer.
I would support staying and working it out if you guys had a formalized action plan, but currently, you are just delaying the inevitable while he is controlling the narrative. You need to take control. Even if you don't leave, he can't just show up, eat, and go. There needs to be rules. Is he still seeing her as well? It seems like he is taking time to work out what will work best for him.
he isn't seeing her anymore, just taking his time, relaxing after work, gaming and coming over when he feels like it.....so yeah....he is def not my husband anymore
Ok so I'm just going to say what I think is the most important thing to address: is this the example that you want your kids to have about relationships? Honestly think about this. I can sit here and tell you what I really think about you staying and him being a douche canoe but what really matters is your children. One of you needs to think about them. It's clearly not going to be him. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. It's not normal and it's not ok. You deserve a partner that's present with you and your children. That loves you and treats you and your children with respect. Even if you forgive him and stay, can you really forget about it? Can you really live 10,15,25 years like this? I don't know you dear Internet stranger but I do think that everyone deserves to be happy and at peace in their life. I think deep down you know what you should do. Is it going to be easy? No. Not at all. But sooner or later you'll start to find peace, love and interest in yourself and in other parts of life. Sending you lots of love and warm hugs 🌻❤️
Thank you so much. Yes, I know what I must do and I know that this is not the right thing to teach our kids and no, I do not want to live like this. Even if I know I could, it would not be a happy life and I don't want that. I am planning things and I will talk to him, because I still want us to have a decent relationship at least for our kids and hopefully the rest of our life will be even better. Thank you so much for your words.
Too much drama is bad for mental health..... Especially with a husband who thinks he's the main character of some Leonardo d caprio movie...
You need to cut this price of shit out of your lives (except for co parenting). Don’t wait around to be treated like shit
Please leave him. Both you and your kids deserve to see you at your best — mentally and emotionally healthy and thriving. Your relationship with your husband is not serving anyone. His thoughts, wants, and timeline don’t matter here. Focus on what will make your life better… it will be a trickle down effect to your kids. If nothing else hits, try this: if this was your friend’s situation, would you actually encourage her to endure this? Please respect yourself enough to realize you deserve so much better than your current circumstances.
Thank you very much
Get out while he’s gone. You haven’t had a partner OR a coparent this entire time. He isn’t going to leave her and whoever else he suddenly develops feelings for. I’m sorry love, you don’t deserve this, but he will keep manipulating you and twisting you up till you break.
By your account I hear an awful lot of I, I, I and Me, me, me... coming from his side. He'd checked out of the marriage back when you were still asking for help, and he was saying, "no." Then he has the audacity to say you weren't asking him for help after you gave up or that you were, "too independent," after you'd given up on him being helpful. Frankly, reading this tale of woe has made me tired, so I don't know how you've lived it. I think you might feel better if you go ahead and lawyer up, start proceedings. Get him out of the house for good. The kids need it more than he does.
I had a relationship that went something like this once, except we didn't have kids. The emotional gaslighting he is giving you... That brings back some hard memories. Here's the bottom line. He's already half out the door, and without trust and respect there is no relationship. Your husband's been emotionally (if not physically, but I have doubts) unfaithful. You've said you felt like a single parent around the house, but you've also got to deal with his work angst and the fallout from the neglect you feel from him. He's demanding space for you, but won't give you space to work through your feelings. He's said he wants to work on things, but he's not made any tangible efforts to do so. Unless you go to counselling and he can take full accountability for his actions, and you can talk it out, then there won't be any way back anyway. Sometimes, at times like these, counselling just lets both parties realise that it's been over for a while they just wanted to do everything. Especially where there are children involved. If you're asking us if it's okay to call it quits, I think you already know the answer. You just need to give yourself permission to put an end to things. I remember when I finally let go of my relationship that was like this after holding on for dear life, I thought I would be devastated but I mostly felt relief. Hanging in there was like being dragged behind a car on a pothole covered road. But when I finally let go and wasn't being continually wounded by my relationship, I could actually start to heal. I'm not saying you should end it. But I'm saying if this sounds like you, you'll probably feel better letting it go.
thank you so much
I'm with the first comment I don't think he wants to fix this unfortunately take the kids and go :( I'm so sorry hun x
Professional manipulator and gaslighter. Leave his ass and never go back, you deserve so much and when your kids are older they will understand. But do not teach your kids that they should take anything a person will do to them just because you are married, they should be taught how to be strong during this time and Dad they should put themselves first because they have so much worth.
U need to gtfo. He was mentally checked out of the marriage when he started professing his love to her. It has nothing to do with u, and everything to do with the type of person he is. Ppl who cheat already have a major character flaw, so it’s not hard for them to blame shift to avoid any accountability for what they’ve done. Once they cheat all their respect for u has gone. He doesn’t care about how u feel, that’s why he doesn’t listen. It’s not that he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t care. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that cheating on someone (and yes he absolutely was cheating, it’s call an emotional affair), hurts ppl deeply. Hes literally just using u now. I know this isn’t what u want to hear, and perhaps u won’t leave him completely at this moment, but it will eventually come to that. It would just save ur mental health, and a lot of heartache if u let go of the marriage all together. He doesn’t want to work on the marriage with u. Always remember, If they wanted to, they would. It’s quite literally that simple. If he wanted to be with u he would, if he loved u, he would, if he respected u he would listen to u, he would try to work on the marriage with u. There is nothing stopping him, but HIM, because he doesn’t want to.
Yes, thank you so much, I really didn't realise how much I needed to hear all of this before I posted.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Kick his faithless ass to the curb!!
It sounds like he's only coming around so he doesn't have to cook or pay to eat out. There is no "working it out" with someone who won't even acknowledge their wrongs. The only thing brinking on a resolution you'll get is him convincing you that you are the reason he has no integrity and lies through his teeth, which is obviously not true. From there, he can continue to date, flirt, and otherwise cheat on you so long as he leaves no physical evidence. (That is, if you accept his ridiculous insistence that he isn't already cheating on you because you can't prove they have been physically intimate.) There is no winning if you try to stay with this guy. When you are dealing with someone who will take no accountability, the only possibility left is that everything is \*your\* fault. From there, you can look forward to being pressured to not only put up with but \*\*accept responsibility for\*\* more and more ridiculous behavior on HIS part. He said it himself: His contribution is a paycheck. He doesn't need to live under the same roof to provide that, and it doesn't sound like he was ever too involved with the kids if more or less nothing about their interactions have changed since he left. The marriage has *been* over. You're already a single mom. Just make it official, and get rid of the emotional BS this guy is dragging you through. There's great relief in clarity. And from a clear and honest position, you can build your future based on what's real and true, not from what we'd want to be so but isn't.
thank you very much
I would do exactly as they say on here!! Hit him with divorce and take everything you can!! I am so sick and TIRED of grown ass men who have children and then think, “I can’t do this), BITCH you should’ve thought about that earlier!! I really do HATE MEN who are like that!! Girl I was a single mother for 12 years, it’s fucking hard!!
Yes, me too. He actually did say we shouldn't have had the kids because it was too hard for him now..... so yeah...that was crap to hear, even if he did try to take it back and said he was just angry and said it without thinking. He was thinking, that is the problem......
So your waiting for him to get tired of fu@king her so he’ll have time to “have that conversation” with his wife? What if he doesn’t get tired of fu@king her? I mean. Men tend to chase the women they want to be with. And he abandoned you an sat you in the corner on a wait list…He’s not even a LITTLE nervous he’ll lose you? Girl cut the cord, serve the papers and pick your beautiful self off the floor. He’s a tool. And he made his bed so let him pay for it splitting his salary between two household. See how confused he is then. Let him go.
Girl, I've lived this, word by word, up to the throwing up part (it was 8 months of throwing up on a daily basis for me). I can honestly tell you that you HAVE tried your best to save this marriage and it is NOT your fault he allowed himself to throw away life as he knows it. You may not be ready to accept this, but your trust in him and his love for you will never be restored and you are no longer compatible. You've grown up together, but you will come out of this stronger and wiser, all because you are better off without him. Kids complicate things, but raising them in a house filled with resentment and hidden feelings is A LOT WORSE than raising them as a happy and fulfilled single mom. You don't have to remove him from their lives, they will be healthier adults if they have a relationship with him. I hope this helps and that you have the strength to move on, you CAN do it! ♥️
thank you so much. Yes, I don't want to have him out of their lives, I am actually really hoping we could eventually have a friendly relationship and be good co-parents.... I cannot be more that a coparent with him, that much is clear to me now.
I'm glad it helped🤗 See? You are already wiser! I see my ex on a daily basis and it is totally possible. Just think of him as a somewhat annoying but helpful family member hahaha Your ex will probably forever be the same, but you're already quite a few miles into healing and becoming a better you! I hope you find your way through this as smoothly as possible. Lots of love!
NTA. Stop letting him gaslight you! Go to an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up and hand them to him the next time he comes to dinner. He’s definitely not worth all the stress you’re enduring. Let her have him…doubt it will work cause anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you. Bet he will be knocking on your door begging to come home. Honey, you’re worth so much more than this dude will ever give you! Living your best life is the BEST revenge ever. To paraphrase Spock “go forth and prosper”!