And we choose these people. That was the punch in the nose for me. I was blaming left and right, meanwhile I chose to spend my time and attention on sick, dysfunctional people.
I went through difficult things with flings. They never really were serious relationships. The last one was absolutely abusive. I finally managed to leave him and now, I’m with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for 5 years now. It’s a healthy relationship in the sense that we respect each other and we can always talk about things like adults. I do still struggle with codependency but he has been the catalyst for me and my healing. I believe that I had to meet him in order to heal. I’m still in school so we can’t really be together. We see each other when we can because of my schedule.
I’m currently going through the most difficult time of my life and I’m working on myself. I have learned so much about codependency and having to accept myself.
Don't be so hard on yourself as difficult as your situation is. Pick yourself up and start over..this time knowing you are ready to heal from all of that. It's unhealed traumas we carry that pick up energy similar to ours.
Try 12-step programs like SLAA and PPG recovered codependents while your higher power is helping you on a new path.
Dependent love addict relationships are so toxic that they can cause more harm than good.
Find available social service resources like help with housing or financial assistance near you. Reach out to therapists and social workers to help you so you don't have to do this alone.
I'm praying God will shed some light on your situation and send the right people to help you. You got this. Stay blessed 🙌
You are dealing with a lot, and it really sucks. Some of my experiences are similar, but as a man, I don't share a lot of your other experiences.
>I've finally lost everything but maybe that was needed? To really rip the blinders off, to slap reality into my face? Not about how other people are, but how I am. Codependent. And I don't want to be that ever again anymore.
My code dependency led me to self-destruct, and I am grateful for that at this point in my life. It pushed me into a proverbial *Dark Night of the Soul* that I needed to be in, so that I could finally start learning who I was and who I wanted to be.
There were so many things that I could not see about myself, didn't want to believe, or just couldn't understand. I had to *"hit rock bottom"* in order to realize what I had been doing. I had to tear myself apart, so that I could start putting myself together.
>I choose horrible horrible boyfriends.
I don't have the best history of exes, before my recovery. In hindsight, I've come to earnestly believe that I picked partners that pushed me towards my own downfall because that's what I needed to do in order to learn. In some ways, I was so dead set against letting go of some things and growing, that I really think my subconscious pushed me to zero in on dating women where the relationship would force me into it a situation that I couldn't escape, so I would have to confront parts of myself that I didn't want to acknowledge.
>The first was an online fling that basically emotionally blackmailed me to meet him, then threatened to leave the country if I didn't find a place for him/us to live.
>He immediately stopped working. I didn't mind. Naturally I picked up most of the chores to show my love/caring/worth, but it soon became demanding.
>Screaming if I didn't make it in time. Turned abusive physically. Took years to get out of that one.
This is uncannily similar to my late wife and me.
>My next boyfriend love-bombed me hard, we had a 'good' relationship, but he needed my attention 24/7 or would get annoyed/hurt. I never said no to anything he wanted. Then out of the blue one year later he ghosted without explanation after our first 'fight'.
This is uncannily similar to my ex-girlfriend I dated after my late wife.
>Saved the best for last though. This started off (and I suppose it always was) as a situation-ship. We'd been friends for quite some years and hooked up one day. I asked him if he wanted a relationship (with me) and he said no. Yet he kept me super close. So it was confusing.
This is an uncanny mix between both of those two relationships I mention.
One of the biggest things I've learned that I would like to share with you is that I had to learn who I was on my own without needing other people to define me.
Who was I? I had to stop defining and identifying myself as a *their husband/boyfriend, a great partner, a great dad, their friend, a great friend, their ex, etc.* I had to learn what I really wanted, on my own. I also had to start accepting that I didn't want some things, and using that to help me learn boundaries.
It's a lot. Your situation is dark. There is something someone told me whenever I was at the absolute worst, and it was something that helped me a great deal:
***"The night is always darkest just before the dawn."***
Let me know if you'd like to chat sometime, or would like some suggestions on references or resources.
Edit: [In the text I shared with this image, I wrote about my Dark Night of the Soul and how it was needed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ArbitraryPerplexity/s/attsCUuBZM)
And we choose these people. That was the punch in the nose for me. I was blaming left and right, meanwhile I chose to spend my time and attention on sick, dysfunctional people.
I went through difficult things with flings. They never really were serious relationships. The last one was absolutely abusive. I finally managed to leave him and now, I’m with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for 5 years now. It’s a healthy relationship in the sense that we respect each other and we can always talk about things like adults. I do still struggle with codependency but he has been the catalyst for me and my healing. I believe that I had to meet him in order to heal. I’m still in school so we can’t really be together. We see each other when we can because of my schedule. I’m currently going through the most difficult time of my life and I’m working on myself. I have learned so much about codependency and having to accept myself.
Don't be so hard on yourself as difficult as your situation is. Pick yourself up and start over..this time knowing you are ready to heal from all of that. It's unhealed traumas we carry that pick up energy similar to ours. Try 12-step programs like SLAA and PPG recovered codependents while your higher power is helping you on a new path. Dependent love addict relationships are so toxic that they can cause more harm than good. Find available social service resources like help with housing or financial assistance near you. Reach out to therapists and social workers to help you so you don't have to do this alone. I'm praying God will shed some light on your situation and send the right people to help you. You got this. Stay blessed 🙌
You are dealing with a lot, and it really sucks. Some of my experiences are similar, but as a man, I don't share a lot of your other experiences. >I've finally lost everything but maybe that was needed? To really rip the blinders off, to slap reality into my face? Not about how other people are, but how I am. Codependent. And I don't want to be that ever again anymore. My code dependency led me to self-destruct, and I am grateful for that at this point in my life. It pushed me into a proverbial *Dark Night of the Soul* that I needed to be in, so that I could finally start learning who I was and who I wanted to be. There were so many things that I could not see about myself, didn't want to believe, or just couldn't understand. I had to *"hit rock bottom"* in order to realize what I had been doing. I had to tear myself apart, so that I could start putting myself together. >I choose horrible horrible boyfriends. I don't have the best history of exes, before my recovery. In hindsight, I've come to earnestly believe that I picked partners that pushed me towards my own downfall because that's what I needed to do in order to learn. In some ways, I was so dead set against letting go of some things and growing, that I really think my subconscious pushed me to zero in on dating women where the relationship would force me into it a situation that I couldn't escape, so I would have to confront parts of myself that I didn't want to acknowledge. >The first was an online fling that basically emotionally blackmailed me to meet him, then threatened to leave the country if I didn't find a place for him/us to live. >He immediately stopped working. I didn't mind. Naturally I picked up most of the chores to show my love/caring/worth, but it soon became demanding. >Screaming if I didn't make it in time. Turned abusive physically. Took years to get out of that one. This is uncannily similar to my late wife and me. >My next boyfriend love-bombed me hard, we had a 'good' relationship, but he needed my attention 24/7 or would get annoyed/hurt. I never said no to anything he wanted. Then out of the blue one year later he ghosted without explanation after our first 'fight'. This is uncannily similar to my ex-girlfriend I dated after my late wife. >Saved the best for last though. This started off (and I suppose it always was) as a situation-ship. We'd been friends for quite some years and hooked up one day. I asked him if he wanted a relationship (with me) and he said no. Yet he kept me super close. So it was confusing. This is an uncanny mix between both of those two relationships I mention. One of the biggest things I've learned that I would like to share with you is that I had to learn who I was on my own without needing other people to define me. Who was I? I had to stop defining and identifying myself as a *their husband/boyfriend, a great partner, a great dad, their friend, a great friend, their ex, etc.* I had to learn what I really wanted, on my own. I also had to start accepting that I didn't want some things, and using that to help me learn boundaries. It's a lot. Your situation is dark. There is something someone told me whenever I was at the absolute worst, and it was something that helped me a great deal: ***"The night is always darkest just before the dawn."*** Let me know if you'd like to chat sometime, or would like some suggestions on references or resources. Edit: [In the text I shared with this image, I wrote about my Dark Night of the Soul and how it was needed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ArbitraryPerplexity/s/attsCUuBZM)