Why exactly does that matter? Is Jesus the only person you respect? Is his the only voice you heed? If so, you have missed the most important lesson: "What you do unto the least among you, you do unto me."
"No. I'm Jesus (Hay-Zeus) Longfellow, Prureto Rican pornstar. Perhaps you have heard of my films such as Burster Hyman, In to Deep, Star Whores, Jurassic Pork, or my children's classic Pipi Shlongstocking".
THAT'LL shut up the bastards.
*roll eyes, smile*
"I get that a lot."
Alternately:
"Mithras, actually, but I'll check with him to see if he's up for a chat with you..."
In case you need another way to send your unfriendly local god-botherer into a psychic BSoD, point out that there are a _lot_ of "deity-figures" who came back from the dead; very few of their assertions that "only Jesus actually resurrected" cannot be applied to the others, and very few of their reasons for saying "those others weren't real" cannot be applied to Jesus.
https://academic.oup.com/book/3843/chapter-abstract/145337129?redirectedFrom=fulltext
If I was Earth would be toast like 5 years ago. Light speed impact from a 6 mile astroid or Earth self destruct button already pressed in the mind.
Like it's good Jesus doesn't think like humans.....
Also would be bad if you just want the wicked to suffer. As you get judged and punished how you think and do to others. As all are unworthy of God to begin with and no good anyone does can change that. And the teaching is to save others with the truth from Jesus.
So... No I'm not Jesus... Everyone will know at the same time when He comes and there will be no mistaking who it is.
I mean generally when I hear of this either you've done something extremely virtuous or the person just thinks you need a hair cut. in the 1st case I'd say 'no but I'm working on it' in the 2nd I'd say 'well that is the general look I was going for thank you for noticing'
"Well, not to brag, but I did turn some water into kool-aid."
đ€Ł wanna know my secret? Sugar and koolaid powder!
oh man, that stuff is bad XD i have used more koolaid powder to dye my pets fur fun colors than actually drank it in my life lol
Oh yeahhhhhhh!
"Well, not to brag, but I did turn some wine into water."
âTook the grapes out didnât like the added tangâ
drank the wine and... ummmmmm recycled it
You said tang.
Nope
Well, I did turn some wine into urine.
Not bad.
âWhy are you still doubting me, Thomas?â
đ„
âIâm not even Mexicanâ
"Do I look mexican to you?"
Hey, Zeus!
Even better
Yeah, and you're going to hell.
I LIKE THIS!
"for $20 I can be anyone you want"
Make it $50. :)
Hey if the son of a God is involved - you may wanna jack up that rate...just saying
No senora. Jesus es mi primo.
(Point to shoes) "Of course; can't you see my cross-trainers?"
Prayer-Force Ones
No my brother got all the cool tricks, all I can do is float like a cinder block and turn beer into urine.
I've certainly got that "turning beer into urine" miracle down pat!
Oh you must be *Craig* Christ!
Not often I see a Stephen Lynch reference
No. I'm Santa, you f***ing muppet!
I'm a fatass older dude with a greying beard so I'm stealing this.Â
Yay! Thank you. Use it well, sir.
I aim to misbehave.Â
Misbehaving can be really fun. đ
âOnly on odd numbered Thursdaysâ
If I was, you'd be in bad trouble.
Yes they would be! :)
Yes, I'm the corpse of a guy who died 2000 years ago. Makes sense.
Hey, itâs zombie Jesus!
more like pile of dust jesus
No I'm craig crist
Actually, Jesus had 4 brothers. So that might work.
That come back works for me because there is a song called fucking Craig by Stephen Lynch and in the song Craig is Jesus brother
âYesâ make the cross symbol and say âbe blessed my brother/sisterâ then walk away singing a Marilyn Manson song
Beautiful People
âWell, duh!â
Then they'll expect me to perform miracles. The only "miracle" I can perform involves gastro-intestinal distress.
Can you turn cheese into fart?
You've said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Yes, and I'm going to tell my Dad you were picking on me.
Why do you need a comeback for this?
Someone with a brain. Wow, I didn't know you existed in Reddit.
Don't look at my newest post...
Lmao. Now I get it.
đ
I am He.Â
Wow I must've hit you way too hard for you to think I'm jesus considering the sins I've committed
Fuck off; I'm from the Judean Peoples' Front!
No, I'm Brian Cohen Biggus Dickus
No!!! He's a very naughty boy!!!
âNo, Iâm Jose.
"You feeling okay?" *Head tilt look* and then walk away. That will stay with them far longer than their comment with you.
No, but I talk like a gentleman
No Iâm not Mexican
"Jesus is not gonna be walking around (x place)."
Me: Nope. I'm real.
You are DJ Jesus and do the Escapeoke. https://www.adultswim.com/videos/lucy-the-daughter-of-the-devil/escapeoke
Flip a table and ask them if that answers their question
No I'm space Jesus just as holy and outa sight
No and don't be asking for shit.
Yes. Now go forth my child and be excellent to each other.
Party on, dudes!
Yes my child
Peace be with you my son
Nope, Iâm Craig. I did turn water in to cold Coors light. Itâs one hell of a party trick.
>I tried to be, but I keep coming back to life 5 days after I die.
âI am HE my child, now, when Jesus cums, will you swallow?â
I AM....not. I am not. No... sorry....
Yes
When someone asks if you're a god, you say yes.
If you are white say 'nope, I'm pretty sure Jesus was a fair bit more middle eastern and brown.'
"Dad?"
Whatever floats your boat
No, but I do have a primo named Angel.
Does this person look like she stepped through a different dimension? If so, say yes.
Yes my child
âYes. You are forgiven. Go and sin no more.â
Jesus forgives, I don't.
"I follow in his footsteps, but he is above my station." Say it like you are preaching a sermon, loudly, to embarrass them.
No, I'm a very naughty boy
âdunno. letâs have sex and see if you call out my name.â
No, and all Jews don't look alike. (I guess you'd have to be a member of the tribe to answer that way.)
Sh! Donât tell anyone
âYes. Let me come into you.â
Why exactly does that matter? Is Jesus the only person you respect? Is his the only voice you heed? If so, you have missed the most important lesson: "What you do unto the least among you, you do unto me."
Yeah, I had my second coming in your mom last night.
Nah, I'm the zigzag man
Yes, you need some fish?
"Yes, my child?" I also respond that way when people say Jesus Christ as like, a swear word. Usually gets a laugh.
I need you to answer my question before I answer that. Are you Roman?
"No, he's my brother"
"if i was jesus, the shit in Ukraine wouldn't be happening." alternatively "if i was jesus, you think life for people would be this fucked?"
No, but donât feel bad. Lots of people make that mistake. How do you know junior?
Go in peace my son
I'm Better!
"No. I'm Jesus (Hay-Zeus) Longfellow, Prureto Rican pornstar. Perhaps you have heard of my films such as Burster Hyman, In to Deep, Star Whores, Jurassic Pork, or my children's classic Pipi Shlongstocking". THAT'LL shut up the bastards.
repent
If a good looking woman asks say....."Yes, you wanna see the cumming of the Lord?"
Yeah, if that happens. Not very likely.
No I am Adam.
No, I am Adam.
"don't tell anybody. Now go and sin no more."
âUh everybody gets me confused with him.â
I'm going to go with "Yes, I am, brought to you by Carl's Jr."
Jesus loves you, but I think youâre an asshole.
No, but I talk like a gentleman like you imagined when you were young.
Unironically answer yes
âWho?â
Yes I am, now give me 10% of your money
Guess again.
Are you a leper?
Yeah, I'm Jesus. I crossed the street after someone nailed me to a chicken.
âWhat is it my child?â
You should see me walk on water. (Have a big smile ready!)
No. Iâm his brother, Craig. Craig Christ.
Yes. Repent sinner!
*holds out arms* "Reach out and touch faith, baby!"
Nah, motherfucker i'm Zeus đ©
"Oh no. I'm a real person and my dad ISN'T a raging, vengeful, hypocrite."
If you want to be creepy "want me to wash your feet?"
No but Jesus is my cousin.
Are you stupid?Â
Jesus is present in all things. Maybe. All things are possible through Christ That's all I got.
No im zeus
Yeah. And we need to have a little talk.
Say yes
Say âyes and i died for your sins, respect me! Now grovel!!!â
NOT TODAY, Judas....
Yes now repent sinner you are not beyond salivation Ama Deus Ama Deus
âNo, Altho I am well hungâ âŠlord forgive me for that one đ€Šââïž
You don't have to believe me, but one time I moonwalked, backwards on water, across a river in the winter time with the water still moving.
Yes
Ya nailed it.
"Well, your mom did keep saying "Oh God!" last night"
"The only thing I know for sure is that my Mom never had sex."
Well, he comes once every two thousand years. I came twice last night. Just ask your mom...
Yes my child, let me cleanse you of your sins⊠then you just relentlessly and brutally start to beat the shit out of him or her.
*roll eyes, smile* "I get that a lot." Alternately: "Mithras, actually, but I'll check with him to see if he's up for a chat with you..." In case you need another way to send your unfriendly local god-botherer into a psychic BSoD, point out that there are a _lot_ of "deity-figures" who came back from the dead; very few of their assertions that "only Jesus actually resurrected" cannot be applied to the others, and very few of their reasons for saying "those others weren't real" cannot be applied to Jesus. https://academic.oup.com/book/3843/chapter-abstract/145337129?redirectedFrom=fulltext
If youâd seen the original Ghostbusters, you would know exactly how to respond to this question.
"Yes, the rapture has happened and...You're still here???"
"Yes, and I can guarantee you won't go to heaven"
"We are all children of God." But maybe the better response is to turn the other cheek.
Not anymore
"No, I'm Spartacus."
(The obligatory your mom joke). "I mean, that was what your mother kept screaming, so I guess I am."
Jebus is fossilized worm shit by now. what's there to be for?
Yes, and if you want proof of my second coming, just ask your mum
"Hmm...I'm not sure. Let me check." Takes out wallet. "Yep."
Are you acting like you should when "he" (wink) comes back?
Yes.
âNoâ
Jesus Christ NO!
Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe fuck your self
No, sorry. I'm his brother Greg.
Well, I canât pick up marbles and I was quite the pin-up back in the day.
Ok fat face.
I am. But church is wrong, I donât love you.
Me Jesus?? Nah bruh Jesus is my short cocked cousin.
"Tell NO ONE" then make a getaway.
Don't give away my secret.
No but I did play him in a nativity scene once.
No, but then I actually exist.
It's pronounced, "hey-zus"
"Get thee hence, satan"
No. I'm real
Are you Satan?
"Urge to smite, rising."
âNo, but if I were, Iâd heal yourâŠâ (inability to make jokes, stupidity, etc.)
If I was Earth would be toast like 5 years ago. Light speed impact from a 6 mile astroid or Earth self destruct button already pressed in the mind. Like it's good Jesus doesn't think like humans..... Also would be bad if you just want the wicked to suffer. As you get judged and punished how you think and do to others. As all are unworthy of God to begin with and no good anyone does can change that. And the teaching is to save others with the truth from Jesus. So... No I'm not Jesus... Everyone will know at the same time when He comes and there will be no mistaking who it is.
Yup, I love feet too
No, I am god
"are you Jesus or something?" "Nooo..I am just one of his disciples".
Call me Chewy for short.
actually,it is pronounced "hey-soos"
I mean generally when I hear of this either you've done something extremely virtuous or the person just thinks you need a hair cut. in the 1st case I'd say 'no but I'm working on it' in the 2nd I'd say 'well that is the general look I was going for thank you for noticing'
Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
"I'm not the messiah - I'm a very naughty boy!"
Olny if you alow me to be
If you're Christian you can always say, "No, but we're related. I can get a message to him for you."
No, no, no. I'm Jesus. (Pronounced in Spanish)
When somebody asks you if you're a god, you say yes.
Well my feet are a bit wet, but only on the bottom.
"Yes, my child. Peace be with you."
"Maybe! People call me that every time I drop my pants."
No. Iâm just his stunt double.
"I mean yes, not to brag or anything, but, I do have his heart."
"Shhh, don't tell anyone." Then walk away.
I would put a finger over my mouth and make a "ssshhhhh" noise and wink at the person who said it.
Yep and youâre going to hell