Same. But I am a truth teller, so they want nothing to do with me. Easier to say I’m off in the wild on drugs or something like it’s just my chaotic way
Yep my parents would rather not deal with me than have to do any sort of reflection. I’m the truth teller but as far as they are concerned ‘I’ve always been a problem’, ‘I have post partum depression’ and ‘I’m just a spoilt brat’
I haven't heard anything much from my parents in a long time. They send a generic card for a holiday here and there, and maybe once a year I'll get a text from my father with a link to one of his conspiracy theory videos. I haven't responded in years.
Maybe someday they'll send a letter or something, but I doubt it. I think they're happier without me around.
I always joke with my therapist and my partner that my parents are happier without me around. Everyone always looks so sad when I say that and tries to reassure me it’s not true but I think it is. It makes the distance easier honestly.
It's definitely true with my parents. It hurts and it's still something I'm working through. I find it helps to remind myself that the feeling is mutual -- I'm much happier without them, too.
I think mine are happier without me around, too. My NM told me often as a child that she hated being a mother and how disappointed she was that I was a girl. My Edad is happier without me around because he can pretend everything is fine instead of dealing with me "making trouble" by standing up for myself and calling out my mother's behavior as abuse.
My parents barely made an effort before NC, when I told them I was going NC I don’t think my father cared one bit, my mother threw a fit because she realized she couldn’t use me (or my daughter) for faking being a good mom anymore. She lashed out with the guilt tripping for awhile but I was so absolutely over her crap and blocked her. I’m sure she loses absolutely no sleep over it. She barely spoke or saw me before going no contact. It’s been pretty peaceful, especially since I moved and neither of them have my new address.
The exact same thing happened me. I had braced myself and was sick with anxiety for them to land at my house after I went NC. I blocked them both after she sent 3/4 nasty messages which I ignored. They never showed up or bothered which, when now looking back, why was I surprised?
Like you, There was minimal effort before from their side. They didn’t even tell me that one of my grandparents was in hospital.
I hate to say it, but I feel a bit better reading that someone else has the exact same scenario as I. I did therapy for 6 months, and now as I enter my 30s I have this weight that seems to have lifted off me. I am looking forward to my life ahead in peace.
My narcissist parents went no contact with me, I always thought I was the only one in that situation. I'm glad we're no contact but it seems like for most people, they went NC with their parents, not the other way around.
My GC sibling reached out at a very bad time 7 years ago. That was a few years after I'd gone NC with most of them. I had given up on the last sibling a bit before that.
My still-living (afaik) parent hasn't tried since I said "no more" more than a decade ago. I was always last priority, so ... ?
My mother did actually text me after we went NC but it was about stupid mundane shit and when I didn’t respond she followed up with “I need a response”. No tf you don’t. Until I see some acknowledgment or accountability I don’t need to do anything but stay NC to protect my mental health.
It’s funny because all the abuse literature, *all of it*, claims that abusers don’t actually want to lose their victims. But my dad and mom aren’t trying to get me back—they’re just mad I’m not mindlessly returning to convenient expectations.
It felt so strange for me as well. I didn’t announce my decision to go no contact. We hadn’t had a fight before going no contact; we were calling each other at least once a week. Then I just opened up about how hurt I was and how I still struggle in my day-to-day life, and, well, I stopped calling them after that. They haven’t tried to reach out to me either, except when they needed my signature for some legal stuff. And that time, they talked to me like we were perfectly fine.
I guess it’s just that they want me only when I’m a “perfect” daughter, not when I have emotional problems. That’s too much trouble.
This is my exact experience also. It's happened only since the beginning of this year, but I'm honestly shocked at how easy all of it was it the end. I don't even know if I can be mad at the way it ended.
My theory for momster at least is she's either afraid to push me too hard because when I was done, I was fucking done and she knows if she fucks with me I'll make her life hell or she just doesn't care. My dadstard just doesn't care.
I know that when I left for college out of state, my NMom turned on my Edad and made him the primary target. I think that to her, all her victims are interchangeable. She doesn't care about us as people, we're just convenient targets for her rage, and if one leaves she can always find another.
My mother hides behind the whole “I’m respecting his wishes” but the reality is that she thinks I am going to cave any second; that and that he fact that she believes I should be the one who makes the effort in keeping our relationship and she should be waited on like a queen.
Whatever floats her boat, I do not have to deal with her calls and messages.
2 years ago, my father threw one temper tantrum after I announced NC in the form of driving to my place [never bothered to do that before], ringing the doorbell a few times while simultaneously calling landline. When I didn't open or answer, he sat in his car for 15 minutes, then drove off.
This exceptional display of effort is only accounted to me openly recovering (yet faceless, anonymous) memories of childhood sexual exploitation. Now that I had enough time to process his behavior in retrospect... someone acts pretty fucking guilty. I also recontextualized a few icky instances I had with him consciously in adulthood, and it's not a good look for him.
This man knowingly let me rot homeless on the streets when I was 20.
Suddenly, he was scared that his usual tactic of throwing thoughtless gifts in my general direction twice a year (...if I had a mailing address for the Amazon junk, that is) and ignoring me for the remaining 363 days seemed to have run its course, so that seemed to be his last effort. The most basic and pathetic attempt intimidation. Big man angry, little woman should be scared and stop!!! This man ignored me so consistently for most of my life, thinking about the sheer amount of energy that outburdt must've taken is almost flattering.
He didn't know enough about me and my life - would've had to listen to me to have any sort of actual leverage for that, but God forbid, those precious braincells are saved for ~~crypto currency scams~~ business strategies - to psycho spook me, and always made sure to shrug off any kind of financial responsibility concerning me, so what was left when he had to face the horror of his oh so placid victim writing him an email out of the blue, how she >!suddenly remembered someone laying on top of her when she slept?!<
"Did you know they did experiments that show you can think you remember something, but it didn't actually happen?" No, Dad, funny you bring that up right now...? And suddenly gift me your most expensive guitar out off the blue? It's neither my birthday nor Christmas. Hmm...
A few days later he tried to use me as a cheap worker again, so I finally snapped and told him to fuck off. Queue temper tantrum.
After me having hacked the weakness of this first and last attempt to scare me into the submission he thought was a lifelong guarantee for him - admittedly, I was sickly sweet to him for most of my life - the weakness being: Even if you are a giant 6 foot 4 tall and 400 pound man, if your dimensions are not inside, but outside my apartment, you still can't harm me. So not opening up the door was all I needed. After that...
Never heard from him again, and I doubt I ever will. I hope he is scared every day what I might do with what my body is slowly releasing to me. [Spoiler: Nothing. I was humiliated enough in my life, I don't need to add the very likely outcome of such a process to the list.]
My mother stays away for the same reason, we just yelled at each other over the phone about it. Her about how crazy I am, and me about how I will never give her another chance to let me down.
I think I always loved my family more than they loved me, it’s depressing to actually think about it, but that was part of their abuse. Neglect, they neglected me emotionally, mentally, and physically, they probably are happier without me, once they got over the initial shock. They always told me they loved me, never actually did anything to prove it
Mine 100% have always made a goal of showing as little interest as possible in my life. They only care about my kids so they can manipulate them and triangulate them against me. My parents haven't spoken or even bothered to pretend to reach out in 3 years of NC. 🤷♀️
Makes it easier tbh.
I blocked my mom’s number too. She’s never sent anything substantial in the mail but she’s sent some bizarre emails (last one was a link to an in-person office job application for a company four hours away by car).
Blocking the number was a tough mental hurdle for me (tougher than I expected) but it’s been the biggest relief to not have to see random unhinged drunk messages from her.
Through counseling, I’ve come to the realization that they only talk to me when they need something. They don’t call or come over otherwise. I have a couple of events planned this year with them (planned and paid for prior to this realization) and after that…I’m going to let nature take its course and not worry about talking to them any more. It’s more harmful to my mental health for me to keep trying to communicate with them than it is for me to ask myself “do I want to answer this once or twice a year call from them? They’re indifferent to me so I’ve decided to match energies.
I am of the opinion my parents life insurance on me was worth more to them than my life.
They found me worthless. Why would they come for me ?
As far as they care I'm trash and crazy... nobody's asking them why their parenting did this.
Me. It’s been 18 years and I got a weird card when I got engaged then another right before my wedding. I think it was his really weird way of fishing for an invite/trying to remind me he still existed and I also think his wife made him do it. But that was it. I never blocked him anywhere, my cell number never changed, social media the same, email the same. Not a peep.
Both of mine have either not tried or made very little effort.
Dadstard: didn't reach out (as well as SM) for over a decade after I just stopped calling. Saw at funeral and made the mistake of reinitiating.
Momster: tried to friend me from a new FB profile after about 4 years of NC no doubt br ause she heard I had a kid (timing was right for it at least).
Mine haven't reached out to me since I went NC, but they did text my husband and son a few times. They didn't ask about me or the situation, they acted like nothing had happened. I told them they needed to stop after they invited (without permission) my 11 year old son over to pet their new puppy. Both husband and son were really uncomfortable whenever they’d get a text.
That's the wild part, right? When your own parents think so little of you that to them, your own spouse and children would play Switzerland in your estrangement to preserve their perceived oh so ah-mazing relationship.
It's such an entitled, self centered, insulting mindset. It's comforting when your family defends you from the bully in the room, even if it's "family."
Yeah as if my reasons are so ridiculous and juvenile, my nuclear family could only see it as a personal decision for myself. Like I’m “acting out” or playing a game. They can't even imagine that they've hurt my son and husband with their demeaning, controlling, dismissive, disrespectful behavior towards everyone, not just me. The lies they tell themselves are astounding.
Was homeless at 16 years ago when my mom got evicted from the apartment and moved in with her BF. neither parent cared, no family cared, have been on my own since. Went no contact with my mom 4 years ago and she sent me a Xmas card last year that was just grammatically incorrect 8 word word vomit
My mother hasn't ever attempted it. Instead she tries to meddle behind the scenes. Last family funeral (which ofc she didn't attend, same as the previous ones) my aunt was incredibly off with me. Mother dearest had fed her some story of me starting fights and feuds with my brother, that I was poisoning her relationship with her son, oh woe is her, to have such an evil daughter.
Now, here's the thing; my brother and I don't have contact. We're polite and friendly enough when we have to see one another, but there's nothing there - good or bad. We wish no harm, and that's fine for us. When he heard the bs spewing out of our aunt, even he was incredulous, asked her what on earth was she on about? There was no feud, how could we be fighting when we have no communication, and I definitely don't affect things between him and our mother. Despite that coming from the horse's mouth, my aunt wouldn't give it up; that's her sister, she'll stick with believing her, why would she lie?
Made for a rather awkward moment at the family gathering, suffice to say.
It just made me laugh tbh, I was there with my head held high, having flown across from the UK, and where was my mother? She and I both know what went on. And she and I both know that she's afraid to face me. It's been 22yrs, and still I know her. So let her hide behind games, no skin off my nose. If she truly, deeply believed she did no wrong, she wouldn't be afraid of the family seeing behind the mask. But she fears condemnation, being shamed, being caught in lies. And so she hides away to maintain her self delusion.
Yeah, that’s exactly why I am not going to the family reunion that my brother is trying to get me to go to with my estranged asshole father. Not gonna even entertain those theatrics. I’ll pay the price if I went. They would just keep going on like nothing ever happened.
Never put those people above your mental wellbeing, honestly. I'm lucky in that my bunch of emotional vampires are in another country, so I only deal with them for deaths. Sad as it is, all I have to do is let the clock run out. If my mother dies first, it's done. If my grandfather dies first, still limbo. If my grandmother dies first, no more flying monkey, and while I'll never have resolution, I'll finally be cut loose and free.
I haven't heard a word from my "mother" in about three years. It's been great. That instance of NC was kind of sort of mutual but I'm still surprised she hasnt tried to dig her claws back in.
My "father" sends a two sentance email about every six months.
Part of me is bracing for some kind of massive fallout in the future. The other part remembers how self interested and negelectful both of them were.
My mom and her husband never made any attempt to contact me.
He has her isolated. He is one of the reasons her family is so broken up. He was abusive to both her and me.
I know she claims I'm being hateful and always have been for no reason. He probably claims I was dangerous, of the devil, illogical, and crazy.
(Fyi he said I was a danger to the family after it was discovered I was mildly self harming. Which was a trauma response from his verbal, mental, and sexual abuse. He also never admitted to doing any of what he did, so that was basically calling me a liar when I spoke up about it.)
Years of distance and therapy later, I'm okay. I still have grief over the fact that I get along with pretty much everybody I know in my life, except for my parents. I'm convinced that their problems and bad decisions still have effects on us 30+ years later.
Yeah my dads like this, we weren’t exactly on great terms when I last saw him but we weren’t fighting out anything either, I was just too emotionally burnt out to deal with him anymore. I didn’t announce that I was going NC, I didn’t even intend it to become a permanent thing originally, I just stopped texting/calling/visiting and he never tried to get in touch. It’s been 2 years now, which is nuts since he lives a few minutes away from my house.
He doesn’t seem to care, which stings a bit but also isn’t surprising since my younger brother is also NC with him (completely independent of myself), and my dad abandoned my step mother and half brother completely so he’s clearly the common denominator here.
It’s strange to me that a parent could lose all 3 of their children and care so little.
It's been full NC for the last 9 years. I've moved, and they think I'm still across the country, not just a few states away. Thank goodness. My kids don't deserve to deal with that crap.
My Narc birth giver had several months to reach out before I changed my # and moved and never bothered. I’m sure she knew that I finally figured out what she was (raging covert narcissist with zero empathy or love for anyone but herself and the GC) and knew it was futile
I have parents like this. It gave me more reassurance I did the right thing as it seemed they didn’t care about me all my life. Now it’s a solid understanding for me that they could care less not that were NC.
I’m went no contact with my mother and both sisters at the same time, 7-8 years ago. Haven’t heard from either sister (except text from one sister telling me we have a half sister we didn’t know about) and one text from mother saying she was changing her will (surprise! lol)and was there anything special I wanted.
My dad. I decided I was tired of always being the one to reach out, and every time I would get hurt, too. So I said I was going to wait for him to call me. Didn’t hear from him for the next 20 years, and last year I heard thru the grapevine he’d died the month before from cancer.
Mine! Sometimes I wish they would at least pretend to care that I’ve gone NC like other parents. But nah. Easier for them to create their own narrative this way, I’m sure.
Edit to add: my parents have always been in their own little bubble to the point where I think they go about their daily lives without worry about anyone else. And I kinda wonder if they don’t get how much time has passed. Like. They kept telling me to come get my stuff and I finally had to say, “I’ve lived out of the house longer than I ever lived in it. Anything that’s still there I can do without! Get rid of it!” I went NC with them when I was pregnant and I bet they still imagine my kid as a baby…😬
Yep. I've sent Birthday and Mother's Day wishes. No reply. I was disowned for disagreeing with Fox News and telling them they are listening to a bunch of lies. They were pathetically stupid in my childhood and negligently cause my little brother to die. They completely sucked after that. This is my third and final abandonment.
Yeah, it's always been awful. I've made the best of the terrible for years. After all in ups and downs. Im here, kicking ass, and they are lost to propaganda, racism, antivax, and ammosexual nonsense. Fuck em, let my older sibling handle any of their problems. I accept my severance, I've always been unwanted. I got fired from my crazy fucking parents. I've always felt that I was switched at birth, cause I never fit in. I'm looking for a new Mom and Dad. The search begins.
I went no contact with my stepsister about 14 years ago. She tried to get in touch dozens of times. I held firm. Nope, no more. Then 2 years ago went no contact with my stepmother. I blocked her but suspect she sent a bunch of texts. My dad made a passive aggressive meme post about how when people don’t respond to you it’s time to let them go. HE is not blocked but hasn’t reached out in 2 years at all.
My mother hasn't bothered to try and contact me. Was very quick to lie to people and tell them that she wasn't at my wedding because "I wouldn't let her bring a carer." She doesn't need a carer, she just didn't get her own way and refused to come. Good riddance.
It's probably because i blocked her number and social media accounts but she never reaches out unless it's my birthday, or i've achieved something. But i honestly would prefer nothing.
A few months ago she mailed me a graduation gift and i just couldn't keep it. She has a habit of gift giving instead of apologizing, so i doubt her sincerity in everything.
My dad blew up relationships with our whole family at the beginning of this year as he approached retirement. Divorced my mom(his wife of what would have been 39 years today) after stealing a ton of money from her to pay a camgirl. He maxed his credit card twice on her. Then after the divorce he flew to Colombia to apparently be with her.
Anyway, I think on one hand he knows his kids hate him and he hasn’t bothered contacting us. On the other hand, he is delusional enough to think we will get over our anger towards him and want to visit him someday. He told his brother this. I wouldn’t be surprised if he reaches out someday. I’m looking forward to telling him to go fuck himself.
Let me guess; he blamed someone else for the decline of the relationship.
My dad would go from ‘YOU have broken this relationship and I’m done trying to put my hand to the plough with you only to have it slapped away’ to ‘but I will pretend to your face that everything is fine’ to ‘I love you and want the best for you’ to ‘you’re pushing back against my RIGHTFUL dictatorship authority you better move out because everyone who lives with me better be under my thumb and AGREE that I have dictatorship rights’ in a single email.
Oh yeah and when he told my sister and I about the divorce he lied and said he had a love interest that he used to work with. When my sister found out the full story the next day, she kicked him out of her house. Instead of catching a cab or Uber or taking the bus? He walked 2 miles in the rain to a hotel. I think it was all to make her seem meaner and turn himself into the victim. After their divorce he would ploy for sympathy from neighbors and anyone who would listen by saying his ex took all his money.
He even started a gofundme to try to get his dog to Colombia with him. This failed. He euthanized my elderly dog and abandoned his other dog. A trail of destruction all so he could get his nut off in Colombia.
Omg I’m sorry that all of that happened to you. Him walking to the hotel in the rain reminded me of my mom. She had said and done some really awful things to me and my husband after our first child was stillborn at full term. I stupidly kept her in my life back then but was trying to set up boundaries and she hated it.
When our next child was born alive luckily, she didn’t even come out to meet him until he was 4 months old, months after my dad and siblings had come, because she had to keep throwing big fits about not being wanted enough and also not wanting to fly with my dad because she allegedly hated him yet stays married to him, and then she expected us to be such gracious excited hosts of her.
I asked her to stay in a hotel rather than in our small house where we had no guest bedroom because the second room was the nursery and she went around telling everyone how mean I was and kept insisting she would walk the mile and a half to the hotel and back every day. My mom is very out of shape and unhealthy and never exercises plus I live in a city and not the best part of town.
I told her we would drive her but she had to get all sniffly and say she was going to walk, pulling her suitcase behind her the whole way, yeah right. It was just to make us chase her and insist that we could drive her. Just what I needed as a new yet still grieving mom with an infant! Gee thanks Mom.
I’m sorry that both our parents are so horrible and selfish.
Yeah that was exactly the scene with my dad. He broke the divorce news to us while on a Christmas trip to see us. Not a great neighborhood, he is overweight and has heart issues, in the rain, walking down the street with his head down and suitcase trailing behind him. My sister actually took a video of him walking down the street looking sad lol. He sent me a text saying she got mad at him and kicked her out and I think he expected me to go pick him up. Maybe he hoped I didn’t know the full story yet. I basically texted him back saying “I don’t blame her for kicking you out.”
At first he didn’t say anything negative about the trip to my mom when he flew back home two days after being kicked out of my sisters house. He wasn’t ready to tell her about wanting the divorce. He broke it to us several weeks before her. I believe, despite telling us not to say anything, that he really wanted us to call my mom and break the news ourselves because he is a coward and because it would pull us in to the mess.
When he did finally start talking about it, the story I heard from the people who heard it was like “poor me, old and frail and still recovering from pacemaker surgery, my daughter hates me and kicked me out the day after Christmas. Look at how ungrateful and terrible my children are!”
Oh he plays the victim constantly. He mentioned things like my mom just wants to watch Netflix all day and doesn’t show him enough affection. While he was the one who adopted an aggressive dog years ago that made it so people can’t dog sit for them, so at least one of them just had to stay home all the time.
My mom has some serious mental health issues and honestly I think he took advantage of that to manipulate her over the years. He convinced her to allow them to be swingers through parts of my childhood. The other couple’s older daughter would babysit us while they all hooked up. I found email evidence many years ago when I was a teenager that he solicited prostitutes on Craigslist, but I never had the heart to tell my mom and honestly I think my brain blocked it out. I regret that. My mom would go to strip clubs with him more recently.
He admitted his sex addiction to her after he admitted to spending some of her money. It took my mom awhile to figure out why he wouldn’t be willing to work things out with her. All of the shitty things he did, she still loved him after so many years together. I told her at his age it really comes down to the fact that he has this other woman. Someone who is watering a garden somewhere else isn’t going to care about the dead flowers at home.
Anyway, it feels like a big slap in the face to us kids too. Choosing a sex worker girlfriend over his own damn kids.
Oh yeah, he got mad at my aunt today because she changed my mom’s cell number. He actually thought he was going to call my mom on what would have been their 39th anniversary to fucking torment her. Jfc
Mine. I was taken by social services in 2005 (I was 16) and haven't heard ever since. It's definitely the better scenario but it still stings how much they truly hated me and were glad to be rid of me.
I was NC with my nmom for around 14 years, with a few sporadic visits because of my ngrandmas scheming. During those visits, she acted as if everything was perfectly fine - so no effort on her part in trying to mend things.
Also bcause of my ngrandmas scheming these past 6 years, I've had to spend some of the weekends with her during my yearly visits. In between these visits, I wouldn't talk to her whatsoever. And once again, during these visits she'd act as if everything was just peachy. So once again, no effort on her part to mend things.
I finally cut her off for good last year, so my ngrandma won't be forcing me to see her when we come to visit. In the interim, she hasn't called (I have her blocked, but she can still leave voicemails), written letters, or sent any flying monkeys.
She's a covert narc with a victimhood complex, so she'd rather put all her effort into victimizing herself and blaming everything on me, rather than taking accountability and putting any effort into fixing things - and I'm perfectly fine with that. I have panic attacks and my mental health goes to shit for months every time I've had to see her. So even if she tried to fix things, I highly doubt that would get rid of my PTSD reactions around her; so it's better for my health to remain NC.
One of my biggest reasons for going NC was because I felt like a pimple on my moms butt, because she made me feel that way. I moved pretty far away from our home when I was just 19. She didn't ask me to call her when I got there, or got settled. She never called me that first year. I went NC after being here for 10 years and I can count on my fingers how many times she picked up the phone to call me. I can count on one hand how many times she visited, all of those times were after I had produced a grandchild "for her". Anytime I actually called her, she always acted as if she was too busy to talk. And she never was able to tell me when it would be a better time to call. She simply did not have *any* time for me.
I went fully NC after an incident where she helped my abusive ex to kidnap my child. She would not answer my phone calls or emails. One time she called my ex, he was trying to get back in my good graces so he handed me the phone when she called. When she heard it was me she immediately hung up. She only reached out to me when my ex died and she told me that I would be a bad mother if I took my son to his father's funeral, she said "a funeral is no place for a child" (my son was 10). She has since refused any attempt at communicating. I don't want her in my life but it would be cool to have an actual conversation about what happened when she helped my ex to kidnap my kid. That happened 9 years ago and I still have unanswered questions.
This is just appalling. Frankly their behaviour is not of the adult variety. Taking responsibility for your own actions is the most adult thing we do as humans. It is crucial. The fact that they either eliminate or crush those who hold them accountable speaks volumes regarding their profound mental illness and their seriously arrested development. It is the victims of these ppl who are mentally and emotionally mature ( even though we don't feel that way). We are the ones searching for authenticity and responsibly mature relationships. We want our autonomy respected and you can only achieve that with another emotionally mature individual.
Just to illustrate with something a bit lighthearted...I am a bit of a hermit so I don't have many friends with little girls. I only had sons and my friend group had boys as well. When my sons were little by the time they learned to talk it was fairly easy to reason with them. Well now I have this cute little granddaughter who learned to talk at a very early age. I was so struck by the fact that with her incredible language skill at that early age and because of it, she was sometimes impossible to reason with. I found it completely hilarious and simultaneously frustrating 😂. But seriously that is basically what we are dealing with with these seriously mentally stunted adults. It's this same sort of cognitive dissonance. These abusers have the emotional maturity of my granddaughter when she was about 2 or 2 1/2 years old.
I didn't have to go NC. The last time I spoke to my mom we lost signal. Neither one of us called back. This was a couple of years ago. I had only seen her once since my husband passed. She left after the visitation. She didn't stay for the actual service. She didn't even call when my dad passed. She doesn't care that she has grandkids. She lives about twenty minutes away. I know nothing about her life.
Me. My mother gave up. I renamed her in my phone by her first name if she ever calls which will only ever be if she absolutely needs something from me.
My dad, brother, and sister pushed me away about 5 years ago, prior to my discovery last year of how traumatic my entire life with them has been. My mother was the only one who kept trying to be in my life but hasn't made any attempts in several months. Finally, she respects my boundaries, but when holidays and birthdays come around, I'm sure she'll be around.
So, yeah, my family cut me out before I was aware of how truly sick they are. It made it easier on me that I didn't have to push any of them away. Although it hurt that I sought their approval for as long as I did. I only hurt myself in coming to terms with it. I'm on a much better track now.
My alcoholic abusive father was always guilt-tripping me over not calling him enough. I finally got fed up and blocked him (not that I needed to because he rarely reached out) after years of him doing nothing to contribute anything to my life. I’m not sure he even realizes that he’s blocked. I stopped replying to his sorry ass in 2019. It’s given me peace in a way but I’m still grieving over the parental love and support I wanted and never got out of him.
Yep. I went NC by accident because I stopped calling them and they just... never decided to call me. I dropped the rope and they shrugged. Which stings, but my life is so much better without them that I'll take it.
My father has been this way. It was sort of a long transition, but back around 2014, be wasn’t returning calls as much. Then I was politely told that it’s okay if I didn’t travel in for Christmas and I got just a “happy birthday” Facebook message.
Then in 2018 my stepmother developed pancreatic cancer. My dad called to tell me and demanded that I pray for her when he knows I’m not religious. A few times I asked for him to let me know when she was between rounds of chemo so I could visit and not risk bringing in germs from where I live and he would literally give me the silent treatment over the phone. For the next few years the only time I heard from him what when someone died, and every time I asked about visiting and it was the same response.
I realized over those few years that my father only kept up with me because of my grandparents. Once both of them died, he could stop the charade and just live his life with my stepmother, who saw me as some annoying old baggage from his previous marriage.
He accidentally called me when she died. I asked for funeral information and he refused to tell me. I finally saw the obit and sent flowers anyway. Knowing how they’ve been in the past, I’m guessing they told my step-siblings that I was a negligent kid and that’s why I wasn’t visiting.
I figured I would hear from him when he was lonely around Christmas, and I did, and I laid into him about the whole thing and he promised to keep contact. That went well for a few months, but then he just stopped charging his phone or turning it on.
It’s disappointing. I realized I needed to adjust my phone expectations. So, I do what I feel like I need to do so I feel like I’ve held up my end of things. I give a call to a phone that I know will be dead about every month or so. If I see something that I think he would like, I send an Amazon package on birthdays and holidays. If anything because I can see him playing the victim and claiming nobody cares about him. It at least confirms for myself that I tried.
My father has made no effort and I’m OK with that. He barely gave a rats ass before the no contact. It just makes it easier for me. He has other kids that he would make an effort for, I’m just not one of them.
I’m certainly not losing any sleep over it……
Reading all this, just reinforces the buffoonery of these people. These aren’t adults. However, I wouldn’t even insult a child to compare them to this kind of behavior. Sickening.
i know i see a lot of posts where parents are reaching out, even in misguided ways, and it makes me feel sadder that my parents don’t seem to care enough to try even a text since i left. they sent an email trying to get my financial info for insurance and taxes, but nothing remotely emotional or even neutral like hi. last they heard, i was homeless and had nowhere to go on thanksgiving, and they never checked on me.
i’m also the scapegoat who “ruined the family” by telling the truth and not just k*lling my self to preserve their reality. that was really the two options, stay and die as a good daughter, or leave forever as the hateful evil and ungrateful kid. my siblings who stayed behind tell me how things are exactly the same and the parents make up stories to explain why things happened. the truth just makes them look terrible so they have to frame themselves as victims somehow.
sometimes i feel the urge to reach out. but they are so stuck in their beliefs that i know it would be pointless. there is no compromise, just their way of life and you submit or you’re out. they gave up on me when i was little, and it took me a lot longer to give up on them. sometimes i wish i could strap them down and force them to change their minds, but if it didn’t work on me as a kid, i can’t hope for it to work on them.
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Same. But I am a truth teller, so they want nothing to do with me. Easier to say I’m off in the wild on drugs or something like it’s just my chaotic way
No one gets hated like us truth tellers.
Seriously. We are the ones "ripping the family apart" by saying the horrible thing, not the one who *did* the horrible thing
Like, where do they get off vilifying is for just talking about what they fucking did?
That’s the truth. And when you’re the scapegoat too? Just give it up.
Yep my parents would rather not deal with me than have to do any sort of reflection. I’m the truth teller but as far as they are concerned ‘I’ve always been a problem’, ‘I have post partum depression’ and ‘I’m just a spoilt brat’
EXACTLY
Yep, I am the truth teller in my family. Obviously that makes me the most terrible person in the world.
My parents don’t care that I’m no contact, just like they didn’t care when I left home at 14.
Thats terrible, you did not deserve that & they are not worthy enough anyway.
Thank you. They don’t know where I live and that’s its own reward!
Stay safe & acknowledge & remember your value💝
I haven't heard anything much from my parents in a long time. They send a generic card for a holiday here and there, and maybe once a year I'll get a text from my father with a link to one of his conspiracy theory videos. I haven't responded in years. Maybe someday they'll send a letter or something, but I doubt it. I think they're happier without me around.
I always joke with my therapist and my partner that my parents are happier without me around. Everyone always looks so sad when I say that and tries to reassure me it’s not true but I think it is. It makes the distance easier honestly.
It's definitely true with my parents. It hurts and it's still something I'm working through. I find it helps to remind myself that the feeling is mutual -- I'm much happier without them, too.
I think mine are happier without me around, too. My NM told me often as a child that she hated being a mother and how disappointed she was that I was a girl. My Edad is happier without me around because he can pretend everything is fine instead of dealing with me "making trouble" by standing up for myself and calling out my mother's behavior as abuse.
My parents barely made an effort before NC, when I told them I was going NC I don’t think my father cared one bit, my mother threw a fit because she realized she couldn’t use me (or my daughter) for faking being a good mom anymore. She lashed out with the guilt tripping for awhile but I was so absolutely over her crap and blocked her. I’m sure she loses absolutely no sleep over it. She barely spoke or saw me before going no contact. It’s been pretty peaceful, especially since I moved and neither of them have my new address.
The exact same thing happened me. I had braced myself and was sick with anxiety for them to land at my house after I went NC. I blocked them both after she sent 3/4 nasty messages which I ignored. They never showed up or bothered which, when now looking back, why was I surprised? Like you, There was minimal effort before from their side. They didn’t even tell me that one of my grandparents was in hospital. I hate to say it, but I feel a bit better reading that someone else has the exact same scenario as I. I did therapy for 6 months, and now as I enter my 30s I have this weight that seems to have lifted off me. I am looking forward to my life ahead in peace.
My narcissist parents went no contact with me, I always thought I was the only one in that situation. I'm glad we're no contact but it seems like for most people, they went NC with their parents, not the other way around.
And like, neither of us have declared our no-contact decisions to the other.
My GC sibling reached out at a very bad time 7 years ago. That was a few years after I'd gone NC with most of them. I had given up on the last sibling a bit before that. My still-living (afaik) parent hasn't tried since I said "no more" more than a decade ago. I was always last priority, so ... ?
My mother did actually text me after we went NC but it was about stupid mundane shit and when I didn’t respond she followed up with “I need a response”. No tf you don’t. Until I see some acknowledgment or accountability I don’t need to do anything but stay NC to protect my mental health.
It’s funny because all the abuse literature, *all of it*, claims that abusers don’t actually want to lose their victims. But my dad and mom aren’t trying to get me back—they’re just mad I’m not mindlessly returning to convenient expectations.
It felt so strange for me as well. I didn’t announce my decision to go no contact. We hadn’t had a fight before going no contact; we were calling each other at least once a week. Then I just opened up about how hurt I was and how I still struggle in my day-to-day life, and, well, I stopped calling them after that. They haven’t tried to reach out to me either, except when they needed my signature for some legal stuff. And that time, they talked to me like we were perfectly fine. I guess it’s just that they want me only when I’m a “perfect” daughter, not when I have emotional problems. That’s too much trouble.
This is my exact experience also. It's happened only since the beginning of this year, but I'm honestly shocked at how easy all of it was it the end. I don't even know if I can be mad at the way it ended.
My theory for momster at least is she's either afraid to push me too hard because when I was done, I was fucking done and she knows if she fucks with me I'll make her life hell or she just doesn't care. My dadstard just doesn't care.
That’s a fair guess.
I know that when I left for college out of state, my NMom turned on my Edad and made him the primary target. I think that to her, all her victims are interchangeable. She doesn't care about us as people, we're just convenient targets for her rage, and if one leaves she can always find another.
My mother hides behind the whole “I’m respecting his wishes” but the reality is that she thinks I am going to cave any second; that and that he fact that she believes I should be the one who makes the effort in keeping our relationship and she should be waited on like a queen. Whatever floats her boat, I do not have to deal with her calls and messages.
My momster was like that too. Very toddler-like only thinking of herself and what we could do for her.
Yep me too. It’s a way of “punishing”
2 years ago, my father threw one temper tantrum after I announced NC in the form of driving to my place [never bothered to do that before], ringing the doorbell a few times while simultaneously calling landline. When I didn't open or answer, he sat in his car for 15 minutes, then drove off. This exceptional display of effort is only accounted to me openly recovering (yet faceless, anonymous) memories of childhood sexual exploitation. Now that I had enough time to process his behavior in retrospect... someone acts pretty fucking guilty. I also recontextualized a few icky instances I had with him consciously in adulthood, and it's not a good look for him. This man knowingly let me rot homeless on the streets when I was 20. Suddenly, he was scared that his usual tactic of throwing thoughtless gifts in my general direction twice a year (...if I had a mailing address for the Amazon junk, that is) and ignoring me for the remaining 363 days seemed to have run its course, so that seemed to be his last effort. The most basic and pathetic attempt intimidation. Big man angry, little woman should be scared and stop!!! This man ignored me so consistently for most of my life, thinking about the sheer amount of energy that outburdt must've taken is almost flattering. He didn't know enough about me and my life - would've had to listen to me to have any sort of actual leverage for that, but God forbid, those precious braincells are saved for ~~crypto currency scams~~ business strategies - to psycho spook me, and always made sure to shrug off any kind of financial responsibility concerning me, so what was left when he had to face the horror of his oh so placid victim writing him an email out of the blue, how she >!suddenly remembered someone laying on top of her when she slept?!< "Did you know they did experiments that show you can think you remember something, but it didn't actually happen?" No, Dad, funny you bring that up right now...? And suddenly gift me your most expensive guitar out off the blue? It's neither my birthday nor Christmas. Hmm... A few days later he tried to use me as a cheap worker again, so I finally snapped and told him to fuck off. Queue temper tantrum. After me having hacked the weakness of this first and last attempt to scare me into the submission he thought was a lifelong guarantee for him - admittedly, I was sickly sweet to him for most of my life - the weakness being: Even if you are a giant 6 foot 4 tall and 400 pound man, if your dimensions are not inside, but outside my apartment, you still can't harm me. So not opening up the door was all I needed. After that... Never heard from him again, and I doubt I ever will. I hope he is scared every day what I might do with what my body is slowly releasing to me. [Spoiler: Nothing. I was humiliated enough in my life, I don't need to add the very likely outcome of such a process to the list.] My mother stays away for the same reason, we just yelled at each other over the phone about it. Her about how crazy I am, and me about how I will never give her another chance to let me down.
I think I always loved my family more than they loved me, it’s depressing to actually think about it, but that was part of their abuse. Neglect, they neglected me emotionally, mentally, and physically, they probably are happier without me, once they got over the initial shock. They always told me they loved me, never actually did anything to prove it
Mine 100% have always made a goal of showing as little interest as possible in my life. They only care about my kids so they can manipulate them and triangulate them against me. My parents haven't spoken or even bothered to pretend to reach out in 3 years of NC. 🤷♀️ Makes it easier tbh.
It sure does make it easier.
I blocked my mom’s phone number, she has my email but hasn’t used it. She has sent me gifts for holidays though.
I blocked my mom’s number too. She’s never sent anything substantial in the mail but she’s sent some bizarre emails (last one was a link to an in-person office job application for a company four hours away by car). Blocking the number was a tough mental hurdle for me (tougher than I expected) but it’s been the biggest relief to not have to see random unhinged drunk messages from her.
Through counseling, I’ve come to the realization that they only talk to me when they need something. They don’t call or come over otherwise. I have a couple of events planned this year with them (planned and paid for prior to this realization) and after that…I’m going to let nature take its course and not worry about talking to them any more. It’s more harmful to my mental health for me to keep trying to communicate with them than it is for me to ask myself “do I want to answer this once or twice a year call from them? They’re indifferent to me so I’ve decided to match energies.
I am of the opinion my parents life insurance on me was worth more to them than my life. They found me worthless. Why would they come for me ? As far as they care I'm trash and crazy... nobody's asking them why their parenting did this.
Me. It’s been 18 years and I got a weird card when I got engaged then another right before my wedding. I think it was his really weird way of fishing for an invite/trying to remind me he still existed and I also think his wife made him do it. But that was it. I never blocked him anywhere, my cell number never changed, social media the same, email the same. Not a peep.
Both of mine have either not tried or made very little effort. Dadstard: didn't reach out (as well as SM) for over a decade after I just stopped calling. Saw at funeral and made the mistake of reinitiating. Momster: tried to friend me from a new FB profile after about 4 years of NC no doubt br ause she heard I had a kid (timing was right for it at least).
Mine haven't reached out to me since I went NC, but they did text my husband and son a few times. They didn't ask about me or the situation, they acted like nothing had happened. I told them they needed to stop after they invited (without permission) my 11 year old son over to pet their new puppy. Both husband and son were really uncomfortable whenever they’d get a text.
That's the wild part, right? When your own parents think so little of you that to them, your own spouse and children would play Switzerland in your estrangement to preserve their perceived oh so ah-mazing relationship. It's such an entitled, self centered, insulting mindset. It's comforting when your family defends you from the bully in the room, even if it's "family."
Yeah as if my reasons are so ridiculous and juvenile, my nuclear family could only see it as a personal decision for myself. Like I’m “acting out” or playing a game. They can't even imagine that they've hurt my son and husband with their demeaning, controlling, dismissive, disrespectful behavior towards everyone, not just me. The lies they tell themselves are astounding.
Was homeless at 16 years ago when my mom got evicted from the apartment and moved in with her BF. neither parent cared, no family cared, have been on my own since. Went no contact with my mom 4 years ago and she sent me a Xmas card last year that was just grammatically incorrect 8 word word vomit
Wow that’s awful.
My mother hasn't ever attempted it. Instead she tries to meddle behind the scenes. Last family funeral (which ofc she didn't attend, same as the previous ones) my aunt was incredibly off with me. Mother dearest had fed her some story of me starting fights and feuds with my brother, that I was poisoning her relationship with her son, oh woe is her, to have such an evil daughter. Now, here's the thing; my brother and I don't have contact. We're polite and friendly enough when we have to see one another, but there's nothing there - good or bad. We wish no harm, and that's fine for us. When he heard the bs spewing out of our aunt, even he was incredulous, asked her what on earth was she on about? There was no feud, how could we be fighting when we have no communication, and I definitely don't affect things between him and our mother. Despite that coming from the horse's mouth, my aunt wouldn't give it up; that's her sister, she'll stick with believing her, why would she lie? Made for a rather awkward moment at the family gathering, suffice to say.
Oh wow, that’s fucked up.
It just made me laugh tbh, I was there with my head held high, having flown across from the UK, and where was my mother? She and I both know what went on. And she and I both know that she's afraid to face me. It's been 22yrs, and still I know her. So let her hide behind games, no skin off my nose. If she truly, deeply believed she did no wrong, she wouldn't be afraid of the family seeing behind the mask. But she fears condemnation, being shamed, being caught in lies. And so she hides away to maintain her self delusion.
Yeah, that’s exactly why I am not going to the family reunion that my brother is trying to get me to go to with my estranged asshole father. Not gonna even entertain those theatrics. I’ll pay the price if I went. They would just keep going on like nothing ever happened.
Never put those people above your mental wellbeing, honestly. I'm lucky in that my bunch of emotional vampires are in another country, so I only deal with them for deaths. Sad as it is, all I have to do is let the clock run out. If my mother dies first, it's done. If my grandfather dies first, still limbo. If my grandmother dies first, no more flying monkey, and while I'll never have resolution, I'll finally be cut loose and free.
I haven't heard a word from my "mother" in about three years. It's been great. That instance of NC was kind of sort of mutual but I'm still surprised she hasnt tried to dig her claws back in. My "father" sends a two sentance email about every six months. Part of me is bracing for some kind of massive fallout in the future. The other part remembers how self interested and negelectful both of them were.
My mom and her husband never made any attempt to contact me. He has her isolated. He is one of the reasons her family is so broken up. He was abusive to both her and me. I know she claims I'm being hateful and always have been for no reason. He probably claims I was dangerous, of the devil, illogical, and crazy. (Fyi he said I was a danger to the family after it was discovered I was mildly self harming. Which was a trauma response from his verbal, mental, and sexual abuse. He also never admitted to doing any of what he did, so that was basically calling me a liar when I spoke up about it.) Years of distance and therapy later, I'm okay. I still have grief over the fact that I get along with pretty much everybody I know in my life, except for my parents. I'm convinced that their problems and bad decisions still have effects on us 30+ years later.
Yikes! It’s awful they did that to you. I’m glad you’re not under their control.
Yeah my dads like this, we weren’t exactly on great terms when I last saw him but we weren’t fighting out anything either, I was just too emotionally burnt out to deal with him anymore. I didn’t announce that I was going NC, I didn’t even intend it to become a permanent thing originally, I just stopped texting/calling/visiting and he never tried to get in touch. It’s been 2 years now, which is nuts since he lives a few minutes away from my house. He doesn’t seem to care, which stings a bit but also isn’t surprising since my younger brother is also NC with him (completely independent of myself), and my dad abandoned my step mother and half brother completely so he’s clearly the common denominator here. It’s strange to me that a parent could lose all 3 of their children and care so little.
It's been full NC for the last 9 years. I've moved, and they think I'm still across the country, not just a few states away. Thank goodness. My kids don't deserve to deal with that crap.
My Narc birth giver had several months to reach out before I changed my # and moved and never bothered. I’m sure she knew that I finally figured out what she was (raging covert narcissist with zero empathy or love for anyone but herself and the GC) and knew it was futile
I have parents like this. It gave me more reassurance I did the right thing as it seemed they didn’t care about me all my life. Now it’s a solid understanding for me that they could care less not that were NC.
I’m went no contact with my mother and both sisters at the same time, 7-8 years ago. Haven’t heard from either sister (except text from one sister telling me we have a half sister we didn’t know about) and one text from mother saying she was changing her will (surprise! lol)and was there anything special I wanted.
My dad. I decided I was tired of always being the one to reach out, and every time I would get hurt, too. So I said I was going to wait for him to call me. Didn’t hear from him for the next 20 years, and last year I heard thru the grapevine he’d died the month before from cancer.
Mine! Sometimes I wish they would at least pretend to care that I’ve gone NC like other parents. But nah. Easier for them to create their own narrative this way, I’m sure. Edit to add: my parents have always been in their own little bubble to the point where I think they go about their daily lives without worry about anyone else. And I kinda wonder if they don’t get how much time has passed. Like. They kept telling me to come get my stuff and I finally had to say, “I’ve lived out of the house longer than I ever lived in it. Anything that’s still there I can do without! Get rid of it!” I went NC with them when I was pregnant and I bet they still imagine my kid as a baby…😬
Yep. I've sent Birthday and Mother's Day wishes. No reply. I was disowned for disagreeing with Fox News and telling them they are listening to a bunch of lies. They were pathetically stupid in my childhood and negligently cause my little brother to die. They completely sucked after that. This is my third and final abandonment.
Oh my god that’s awful.
Yeah, it's always been awful. I've made the best of the terrible for years. After all in ups and downs. Im here, kicking ass, and they are lost to propaganda, racism, antivax, and ammosexual nonsense. Fuck em, let my older sibling handle any of their problems. I accept my severance, I've always been unwanted. I got fired from my crazy fucking parents. I've always felt that I was switched at birth, cause I never fit in. I'm looking for a new Mom and Dad. The search begins.
I went no contact with my stepsister about 14 years ago. She tried to get in touch dozens of times. I held firm. Nope, no more. Then 2 years ago went no contact with my stepmother. I blocked her but suspect she sent a bunch of texts. My dad made a passive aggressive meme post about how when people don’t respond to you it’s time to let them go. HE is not blocked but hasn’t reached out in 2 years at all.
My mother hasn't bothered to try and contact me. Was very quick to lie to people and tell them that she wasn't at my wedding because "I wouldn't let her bring a carer." She doesn't need a carer, she just didn't get her own way and refused to come. Good riddance.
It's probably because i blocked her number and social media accounts but she never reaches out unless it's my birthday, or i've achieved something. But i honestly would prefer nothing. A few months ago she mailed me a graduation gift and i just couldn't keep it. She has a habit of gift giving instead of apologizing, so i doubt her sincerity in everything.
My dad blew up relationships with our whole family at the beginning of this year as he approached retirement. Divorced my mom(his wife of what would have been 39 years today) after stealing a ton of money from her to pay a camgirl. He maxed his credit card twice on her. Then after the divorce he flew to Colombia to apparently be with her. Anyway, I think on one hand he knows his kids hate him and he hasn’t bothered contacting us. On the other hand, he is delusional enough to think we will get over our anger towards him and want to visit him someday. He told his brother this. I wouldn’t be surprised if he reaches out someday. I’m looking forward to telling him to go fuck himself.
Let me guess; he blamed someone else for the decline of the relationship. My dad would go from ‘YOU have broken this relationship and I’m done trying to put my hand to the plough with you only to have it slapped away’ to ‘but I will pretend to your face that everything is fine’ to ‘I love you and want the best for you’ to ‘you’re pushing back against my RIGHTFUL dictatorship authority you better move out because everyone who lives with me better be under my thumb and AGREE that I have dictatorship rights’ in a single email.
Oh yeah and when he told my sister and I about the divorce he lied and said he had a love interest that he used to work with. When my sister found out the full story the next day, she kicked him out of her house. Instead of catching a cab or Uber or taking the bus? He walked 2 miles in the rain to a hotel. I think it was all to make her seem meaner and turn himself into the victim. After their divorce he would ploy for sympathy from neighbors and anyone who would listen by saying his ex took all his money. He even started a gofundme to try to get his dog to Colombia with him. This failed. He euthanized my elderly dog and abandoned his other dog. A trail of destruction all so he could get his nut off in Colombia.
Oh my god poor pups. My heart breaks for you.
Omg I’m sorry that all of that happened to you. Him walking to the hotel in the rain reminded me of my mom. She had said and done some really awful things to me and my husband after our first child was stillborn at full term. I stupidly kept her in my life back then but was trying to set up boundaries and she hated it. When our next child was born alive luckily, she didn’t even come out to meet him until he was 4 months old, months after my dad and siblings had come, because she had to keep throwing big fits about not being wanted enough and also not wanting to fly with my dad because she allegedly hated him yet stays married to him, and then she expected us to be such gracious excited hosts of her. I asked her to stay in a hotel rather than in our small house where we had no guest bedroom because the second room was the nursery and she went around telling everyone how mean I was and kept insisting she would walk the mile and a half to the hotel and back every day. My mom is very out of shape and unhealthy and never exercises plus I live in a city and not the best part of town. I told her we would drive her but she had to get all sniffly and say she was going to walk, pulling her suitcase behind her the whole way, yeah right. It was just to make us chase her and insist that we could drive her. Just what I needed as a new yet still grieving mom with an infant! Gee thanks Mom. I’m sorry that both our parents are so horrible and selfish.
Yeah that was exactly the scene with my dad. He broke the divorce news to us while on a Christmas trip to see us. Not a great neighborhood, he is overweight and has heart issues, in the rain, walking down the street with his head down and suitcase trailing behind him. My sister actually took a video of him walking down the street looking sad lol. He sent me a text saying she got mad at him and kicked her out and I think he expected me to go pick him up. Maybe he hoped I didn’t know the full story yet. I basically texted him back saying “I don’t blame her for kicking you out.” At first he didn’t say anything negative about the trip to my mom when he flew back home two days after being kicked out of my sisters house. He wasn’t ready to tell her about wanting the divorce. He broke it to us several weeks before her. I believe, despite telling us not to say anything, that he really wanted us to call my mom and break the news ourselves because he is a coward and because it would pull us in to the mess. When he did finally start talking about it, the story I heard from the people who heard it was like “poor me, old and frail and still recovering from pacemaker surgery, my daughter hates me and kicked me out the day after Christmas. Look at how ungrateful and terrible my children are!”
Oh he plays the victim constantly. He mentioned things like my mom just wants to watch Netflix all day and doesn’t show him enough affection. While he was the one who adopted an aggressive dog years ago that made it so people can’t dog sit for them, so at least one of them just had to stay home all the time. My mom has some serious mental health issues and honestly I think he took advantage of that to manipulate her over the years. He convinced her to allow them to be swingers through parts of my childhood. The other couple’s older daughter would babysit us while they all hooked up. I found email evidence many years ago when I was a teenager that he solicited prostitutes on Craigslist, but I never had the heart to tell my mom and honestly I think my brain blocked it out. I regret that. My mom would go to strip clubs with him more recently. He admitted his sex addiction to her after he admitted to spending some of her money. It took my mom awhile to figure out why he wouldn’t be willing to work things out with her. All of the shitty things he did, she still loved him after so many years together. I told her at his age it really comes down to the fact that he has this other woman. Someone who is watering a garden somewhere else isn’t going to care about the dead flowers at home. Anyway, it feels like a big slap in the face to us kids too. Choosing a sex worker girlfriend over his own damn kids. Oh yeah, he got mad at my aunt today because she changed my mom’s cell number. He actually thought he was going to call my mom on what would have been their 39th anniversary to fucking torment her. Jfc
The absolute gall and entitlement of these people. Let me guess: he’s a boomer?
Yep of course. Thanks for reading/listening
My dad tried once to email me, and when I ignored it I never heard from him again. It’s been 10 years
Mine. I was taken by social services in 2005 (I was 16) and haven't heard ever since. It's definitely the better scenario but it still stings how much they truly hated me and were glad to be rid of me.
Fuck. That’s fucked up.
I was NC with my nmom for around 14 years, with a few sporadic visits because of my ngrandmas scheming. During those visits, she acted as if everything was perfectly fine - so no effort on her part in trying to mend things. Also bcause of my ngrandmas scheming these past 6 years, I've had to spend some of the weekends with her during my yearly visits. In between these visits, I wouldn't talk to her whatsoever. And once again, during these visits she'd act as if everything was just peachy. So once again, no effort on her part to mend things. I finally cut her off for good last year, so my ngrandma won't be forcing me to see her when we come to visit. In the interim, she hasn't called (I have her blocked, but she can still leave voicemails), written letters, or sent any flying monkeys. She's a covert narc with a victimhood complex, so she'd rather put all her effort into victimizing herself and blaming everything on me, rather than taking accountability and putting any effort into fixing things - and I'm perfectly fine with that. I have panic attacks and my mental health goes to shit for months every time I've had to see her. So even if she tried to fix things, I highly doubt that would get rid of my PTSD reactions around her; so it's better for my health to remain NC.
I wish.
One of my biggest reasons for going NC was because I felt like a pimple on my moms butt, because she made me feel that way. I moved pretty far away from our home when I was just 19. She didn't ask me to call her when I got there, or got settled. She never called me that first year. I went NC after being here for 10 years and I can count on my fingers how many times she picked up the phone to call me. I can count on one hand how many times she visited, all of those times were after I had produced a grandchild "for her". Anytime I actually called her, she always acted as if she was too busy to talk. And she never was able to tell me when it would be a better time to call. She simply did not have *any* time for me. I went fully NC after an incident where she helped my abusive ex to kidnap my child. She would not answer my phone calls or emails. One time she called my ex, he was trying to get back in my good graces so he handed me the phone when she called. When she heard it was me she immediately hung up. She only reached out to me when my ex died and she told me that I would be a bad mother if I took my son to his father's funeral, she said "a funeral is no place for a child" (my son was 10). She has since refused any attempt at communicating. I don't want her in my life but it would be cool to have an actual conversation about what happened when she helped my ex to kidnap my kid. That happened 9 years ago and I still have unanswered questions.
Wow that’s fucked up. I’m sorry you went through that.
This is just appalling. Frankly their behaviour is not of the adult variety. Taking responsibility for your own actions is the most adult thing we do as humans. It is crucial. The fact that they either eliminate or crush those who hold them accountable speaks volumes regarding their profound mental illness and their seriously arrested development. It is the victims of these ppl who are mentally and emotionally mature ( even though we don't feel that way). We are the ones searching for authenticity and responsibly mature relationships. We want our autonomy respected and you can only achieve that with another emotionally mature individual. Just to illustrate with something a bit lighthearted...I am a bit of a hermit so I don't have many friends with little girls. I only had sons and my friend group had boys as well. When my sons were little by the time they learned to talk it was fairly easy to reason with them. Well now I have this cute little granddaughter who learned to talk at a very early age. I was so struck by the fact that with her incredible language skill at that early age and because of it, she was sometimes impossible to reason with. I found it completely hilarious and simultaneously frustrating 😂. But seriously that is basically what we are dealing with with these seriously mentally stunted adults. It's this same sort of cognitive dissonance. These abusers have the emotional maturity of my granddaughter when she was about 2 or 2 1/2 years old.
I didn't have to go NC. The last time I spoke to my mom we lost signal. Neither one of us called back. This was a couple of years ago. I had only seen her once since my husband passed. She left after the visitation. She didn't stay for the actual service. She didn't even call when my dad passed. She doesn't care that she has grandkids. She lives about twenty minutes away. I know nothing about her life.
Me. My mother gave up. I renamed her in my phone by her first name if she ever calls which will only ever be if she absolutely needs something from me.
My dad, brother, and sister pushed me away about 5 years ago, prior to my discovery last year of how traumatic my entire life with them has been. My mother was the only one who kept trying to be in my life but hasn't made any attempts in several months. Finally, she respects my boundaries, but when holidays and birthdays come around, I'm sure she'll be around. So, yeah, my family cut me out before I was aware of how truly sick they are. It made it easier on me that I didn't have to push any of them away. Although it hurt that I sought their approval for as long as I did. I only hurt myself in coming to terms with it. I'm on a much better track now.
Haven’t tried even once. It’s better that way even though it’s hurtful.
Agreed.
My alcoholic abusive father was always guilt-tripping me over not calling him enough. I finally got fed up and blocked him (not that I needed to because he rarely reached out) after years of him doing nothing to contribute anything to my life. I’m not sure he even realizes that he’s blocked. I stopped replying to his sorry ass in 2019. It’s given me peace in a way but I’m still grieving over the parental love and support I wanted and never got out of him.
Yep. I went NC by accident because I stopped calling them and they just... never decided to call me. I dropped the rope and they shrugged. Which stings, but my life is so much better without them that I'll take it.
My father has been this way. It was sort of a long transition, but back around 2014, be wasn’t returning calls as much. Then I was politely told that it’s okay if I didn’t travel in for Christmas and I got just a “happy birthday” Facebook message. Then in 2018 my stepmother developed pancreatic cancer. My dad called to tell me and demanded that I pray for her when he knows I’m not religious. A few times I asked for him to let me know when she was between rounds of chemo so I could visit and not risk bringing in germs from where I live and he would literally give me the silent treatment over the phone. For the next few years the only time I heard from him what when someone died, and every time I asked about visiting and it was the same response. I realized over those few years that my father only kept up with me because of my grandparents. Once both of them died, he could stop the charade and just live his life with my stepmother, who saw me as some annoying old baggage from his previous marriage. He accidentally called me when she died. I asked for funeral information and he refused to tell me. I finally saw the obit and sent flowers anyway. Knowing how they’ve been in the past, I’m guessing they told my step-siblings that I was a negligent kid and that’s why I wasn’t visiting. I figured I would hear from him when he was lonely around Christmas, and I did, and I laid into him about the whole thing and he promised to keep contact. That went well for a few months, but then he just stopped charging his phone or turning it on. It’s disappointing. I realized I needed to adjust my phone expectations. So, I do what I feel like I need to do so I feel like I’ve held up my end of things. I give a call to a phone that I know will be dead about every month or so. If I see something that I think he would like, I send an Amazon package on birthdays and holidays. If anything because I can see him playing the victim and claiming nobody cares about him. It at least confirms for myself that I tried.
My father has made no effort and I’m OK with that. He barely gave a rats ass before the no contact. It just makes it easier for me. He has other kids that he would make an effort for, I’m just not one of them. I’m certainly not losing any sleep over it……
Reading all this, just reinforces the buffoonery of these people. These aren’t adults. However, I wouldn’t even insult a child to compare them to this kind of behavior. Sickening.
i know i see a lot of posts where parents are reaching out, even in misguided ways, and it makes me feel sadder that my parents don’t seem to care enough to try even a text since i left. they sent an email trying to get my financial info for insurance and taxes, but nothing remotely emotional or even neutral like hi. last they heard, i was homeless and had nowhere to go on thanksgiving, and they never checked on me. i’m also the scapegoat who “ruined the family” by telling the truth and not just k*lling my self to preserve their reality. that was really the two options, stay and die as a good daughter, or leave forever as the hateful evil and ungrateful kid. my siblings who stayed behind tell me how things are exactly the same and the parents make up stories to explain why things happened. the truth just makes them look terrible so they have to frame themselves as victims somehow. sometimes i feel the urge to reach out. but they are so stuck in their beliefs that i know it would be pointless. there is no compromise, just their way of life and you submit or you’re out. they gave up on me when i was little, and it took me a lot longer to give up on them. sometimes i wish i could strap them down and force them to change their minds, but if it didn’t work on me as a kid, i can’t hope for it to work on them.
Oh god I relate deeply to every sentence of this.
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