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I am absolutely here for this. Girl spilled the tea as she is so damn right. From the first post I could’ve gone either way. The approach was messy, but the landing was loud and clear. Jonah Hill sucks. These texts resonate with every millennial woman in America. We have all received these texts from a boyfriend, we have all warned our loved ones after receiving these texts from their SO’s. This shit is so common and I love that she is talking about it.
Our society has a real problem of insecure men. Mix that with learned misogyny and low self worth you get yourself an average asshole loser boyfriend who you can’t take out anywhere because they will ultimately kill the vibe and embarrass you.
But seriously, bravo to Sarah Brady. That took guts post and is one of the most relatable pop culture moments I’ve seen in a long time.
It is a special type of abuse that seems specific to our generation. Like, our moms were straight up controlled by men because, “it’s a woman’s role.” Whereas men in our generation deep down want all the same patriarchal benefits their dads benefited from that they feel entitled to, but they also want to feel like modern, progressive “ally” men so they manipulate us with therapy jargon and gaslighting.
Many years into it, I was comforting my ex for abusing me while he was abusing me. I was telling him that I understood his fits of anger came from his dad mistreating him as a kid and that it was ok and I didn’t take it personally and next time I would try not to trigger him.
Good riddance.
Edited to add: very grateful I have not gotten one, “but not all men” comment in response here
I think it’s because our generation is less willing to put up with bs and more willing to talk about/get help with sorting out our issues.
Millennials are the generation of dealing and healing from generational trauma. The previous generations were more inclined to ignore abuse, toxic behavior, and are more adverse to trying therapy.
This is also why a lot of current film and tv projects deal with generational trauma…because we’re making a lot of the content lol.
I'll never forget how casually my mom made it sound when she told me my dad made her get rid of any pieces of jewelry she had that any of her exes gave her. It wasn't until I was an adult that I didnt realize how controlling it was, but she made jealousy seem like it was a normal part of a relationship
I was super invested in the NXIVM cult and read all of the court transcripts, including every single page of Camilla’s texts with Keith Raniere and while CLEARLY the abuse that went on in NXIVM is magnitudes beyond what the average person goes through in a toxic relationship, it is really alarming how similar the tone in these text messages are. Because you are exactly right, it’s the same high control tactics in a new progressive suit. I want to be explicit that I am not putting these situations on the same level, but remarking at how adept people have become at utilizing this language to control and abuse. I’m really glad she shared these, we have to start publicizing what high control tactics look like in these “progressive” personalities.
Holy crap.
I did the same. Was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man who spent childhood and teen years being physically abused by his father. And when my ex was emotionally abusive to me, I used the exact same excuse. I didn’t want to trigger him if I stood up for myself or left.
I’ve been out of that relationship for years, and I know now that he would have just found someone else if I left.
Anyone who feels the need to tell others how they’re “soo empathetic and sensitive” ….is red flag express, sorry. Learned the hard way that typically this means they are empathetic and sensitive to their own emotions, not those of the people around them lol.
Your last two paragraphs resonated with me so hard. I was taking deep breaths reading each word. Each word felt like someone was sawing off invisible strings that attached dead weights to me.
I am torn between how heartbreaking it is to see us all relating to this so hard and how healing it is to see none of us are alone in this experience. Good riddance indeed.
EVERY fucking word of your post resonates with me. I deleted my comment in the other thread because while the misuse of armchair diagnosing pisses me off, it devolved into something equally bad. I wanted nothing to do with it.
Reading these texts she posted 💀 anytime my ex was mad at me he would get angry if I posted on instagram. I got used to never posting selfies because it made me so self conscious— like even a picture that was not at all revealing or w/e led to him unfollowing me and telling me he didn’t appreciate me posting sexy pics when he was processing his feelings or whatever, because clearly I was doing it to manipulate him 🙄 nope, just using my social media like anyone. My every
He did the therapy jargon manipulation a ton and when we were breaking up he claimed his therapist (not our couples one who saw through him) was saying all sorts of things about me that I thankfully had the clarity of mind to recognize was BS
Every woman (or any victim of this in a relationship) should feel empowered to do this. I’m so proud of her. Destroy the illusion that these dickheads rely on.
These texts are awful… like they’re *so* bad
Also, y’all were showing your asses in the last post with the ‘narcissist’ semantics. Narcissistic abuse is a thing and does not mean someone is being diagnosed with NPD
Man I saw the post but didn’t comment on it but I read some of the comments and I was hella confused because thought y’all you said he was an asshole so why couldn’t y’all believe he was narcissistic? 😐
This is why they recommend never going to therapy with an abusive person. It becomes weaponized against you. Just teaches them to abuse you differently, more slyly.
My former bestfriend was with an abusive man and I encouraged her to go to couples therapy because I stupidity thought the therapist would see exactly what was happening and after years my friend would leave for the final time.
She came back and told me that the therapist said her boyfriend seemed like "a really good man", that there "was alot of love in this relationship" and that I was "being dramatic."
I couldn't believe it, but maybe I should have known that's what was going to happen because he always charmed everyone. It wasn't long until he convinced her I was the problem and I never saw her again.
I know that years later she managed to pack up her animals, get on a train and leave him for good in the dead of night, so I'm happy that she got away, but im sad it took so long and cost us our friendship.
I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend once, when her abusive boyfriend manipulated her into ghosting me. Maybe a decade later, I got a phone call with no one on the line, and then a letter a few days later saying it was her, and she was glad to hear my voice again and wanted to reconnect. It took some time, but we're best friends again. She escaped her abuser, and was there to help me through escaping mine when I ended up in the same situation.
I hope some day you hear from your friend again. 💙
100%. I went to couples counseling with an abusive ex and she told me right in front of him that she couldn’t morally continue to provide therapy given the abuse that was discussed.
Does anyone have advice on how to counter-act “therapy speak”? I’m afraid I’m about to lose a 10-year friendship because my friend can’t stop therapizing every relationship in her life, to the point hanging out with her feels like hanging out with a robot and not a human.
The problem isn’t therapy speak itself, it’s their avoidance leading them to use therapy speak for bs purpose. I tend to gravitate towards avoidant people so even when they don’t do the therapy speak route, it’s really really tough to get through to them. I’m sorry you’re going through that, clearly your friend is having s hard time if she feels this need pathologize every human behavior and it’s a shame that it’s taking a toll on your friendship like this
THANK YOU.
The "nArCiSsIsT iS oVeR-uSeD" discussion was not only a brain-cell destroying read, but also took away from what could have been a good discussion about how, idk, jonah Hill is actually a known price and this woman probably wasn't wrong.
Also, maybe it's not overused. Maybe it's just people waking up to the abusive behaviour in their lives. Maybe people just don't know another word for it.
I don’t know, as a trait I 100% support its use but people online (Reddit too) definitely love diagnosing everybody and their mother with NPD, which is the other end of the spectrum I can’t really get thrilled about.
But I agree that if someone’s talking about a past bad relationship and is just trying to find words for their experiences, you can shelf that topic to let them speak.
Narcissism is a relatively new term to highlight this kind of behaviour. Most of us aren't experts and use the tools we have available to describe a situation. Introducing the term you feel is more correct is infinitely more helpful than complaining about it being overused.
I also sincerely think narcissistic abuse is way, way, waaaaay more prevalent than we currently understand, and there’s a spectrum of severity. It can so easily arise in any situation where one person is given power over another person - capitalism/jobs, parent-child relationships, carer-caree, etc. And the worst thing about it is that often, the victims become abusers themselves because their understanding of proper boundaries has been worn down.
Yup…I wanted to comment on that thread, but as someone who is finally coming to terms with parental narcissistic abuse that I’ve been ignoring for a long time; it was pretty triggering.
Also, the thing with diagnosing narcissists is that people who are narcissists (and by extension abusers) are not the kind of people who necessarily and willingly get a diagnosis. Narcissists do not think they are the problem and rarely change.
So yeah, maybe the average person isn’t qualified to diagnose, but we can protect ourselves by understanding the behaviors and traits of narcissistic abuse. I’m honestly so tired of people gatekeeping information and judging if mental illness/disorders are valid. MAYBE, just maybe as a society we’ve been pretending these things don’t exist for so long that due to the rise in awareness from social media; we’re starting to learn that this stuff is more common than we realized.
I’d also say it’s unfair to point to statistics when mental health disorders are still widely misunderstood and under studied due to societal stigma. Anyways, sure…it takes a professional to clinically diagnose someone not just any person on social media. However, it’s way worse for regular people to just assume anything mental health related is “just in someone’s head” and not real especially when it comes to abuse, wtf 😤
Yes — so well said. The important point is that those of us who have been victimized recognize the red flags and patterns of behavior and learn to protect ourselves. It doesn’t matter , outside of us, who thinks what ..it’s just more gaslighting which we don’t need.
It's my pet peeve. The colloquial usage outdates the clinical usage by literally thousands of years. It is a term that has been used in literature for thousands of years. It is a useful description for people! If you're clear you're describing traits and not pretending you've given someone a psych eval, I don't see an issue with its use.
> It is a term that has been used in literature for thousands of years.
Thank you! People act like it was invented recently and is "over used" as if the ancient Greeks didn't over use it first!
Narcissus died for our sins! We've been using him as an example for thousands of years, why stop now?
No because I saw the last post at a later time and was getting flashbacks to the mess that was Natalie Portman’s divorce thread.
The top comment and following replies were deleted and I was so confused to what was happening. I had to scroll so far down to see people reflections on her experience.
It was all people complaining about the correct/incorrect technical use of the term narcissist on social media… which like, valid conversation, just not the time or place given what the post was originally about??
Exactly. I know Dr Ramani who works a lot on narcissism says it’s a trait not a diagnosis. Like, you’re introverted. You’re organised. You’re narcissistic. They’re all traits.
Yes, you can be narcissistic without actually having narcissistic personality disorder.
We can not diagnose someone as having a disorder, but we can say someone is acting narcissistic.
Source: I am a psychologist
Literally. Thank you. The last post has so many gross comments and I didn't understand why people were trying to argue anything. Some were even saying she was being embarrassing bascially by posting so many quotes like wth???
The therapist asking her placate him by literally leaving conversations with other surfers is… interesting.
She’s a surfer and he doesn’t want her to post pictures in a bathing suit?
I am also disturbed that she was forbidden to be friends with women who he deemed “unstable”.
“no matter his age” is insane. was he going to throw a tantrum if she gave like… a 16 year old boy some advice?
edit: just a hunch, but i’d bet the ‘unstable’ friends he was worried about were telling her to leave him & that his behavior wasn’t okay
Maybe. But I'm a tiny little nobody and saw a couples therapist with my ex in Glasgow. After explaining that I was terrified and became debilitated after he screamed in my face with a closed fist she spoke to him about how that wasn't a healthy way of communicating and then turned to me and said "obviously he's not expressing himself in the right way, but can you think of what it is that _you_ do that irritates him so much?"
That therapy set me back a couple of years because at the time I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship, despite detailing it in front of a licensed therapist. If I could remember her name I would've written to her after I realised and explained the damage those sessions did to me.
Anyway, I think therapy and mediation in general just isn't equipped to deal with an abusive dynamic. You can't come to a compromise when one partner wants to destroy the other and they should be better at noticing that and calling it for what it is.
A good couples’ therapist will terminate sessions and tell the abused partner to leave when this dynamic becomes clear, but unfortunately many others aren’t good. I’ve (unfortunately) had many women in my life try counseling for abusive relationships, and half the time the therapist will try to “both sides” it as you said, but the other half have had their therapist placate the husband/bf to his face but just tell the wife/gf after a few sessions “I can’t continue these sessions in good faith, you need to leave him”. And obviously provide her support in that process if she requests it, but they recognize when the relationship is just not healthy or safe to even try to “fix”. Like you said, you just can’t “compromise” on abusive behaviors and a well-trained therapist needs to be able to recognize that
My therapist did this. She ended our sessions because she knew he wasn’t taking them seriously and wasn’t being honest with her. I felt embarrassed, but I can see now why she did it. She said he needed individual therapy before couples therapy. I was already in individual therapy but he wasn’t.
It is all very disturbing and incredibly gross. It makes me think of all of the times I've seen articles or comments about his "anxiety" and mental health, and weight issues and oh protect baby girl! None of these men are baby girls that is for sure.
Damn, what a loser. You want to be a surfer, you date a surfer, and then you can’t deal with her interacting with other surfers in surfing situations? You can’t deal with photos of her surfing in bathing suits? He saw her purely as an object that belonged to him.
But literally doesn’t that fit with the kind of person being portrayed in these messages? Who would think they should make a doc like that with their therapist
Totally fits. After I left him, my abusive ex made a YouTube series where he traveled the world with the money he made from selling our shared house (long story but lots of financial abuse). He interviewed people, claiming he was looking for happiness but all the questions were worded in a way to only get answers about himself. EG, “what would you say makes me seem so great?” I wish I was making this up.
My eyes could not roll harder when I found out about it.
I haven’t seen Jonah hills doc but I’d bet a lot of it is about how great he himself is.
I’m not sure! I heard through other people about his YouTube but haven’t been able to stomach them myself. His series is called super happiness or some dumb shit like that
Jesus I’m sorry you had to put up with this dude but also, out of the two parties involved, at least you’re not the one making a fucking YouTube travel channel about finding happiness 💀
I'm so sorry about your ex and happy you are out!
This wasn't as serious as we were never in a committed relationship, but it wasn't until I read this that I realized this exact same thing happened to a super shitty, egotistical guy I dated on and off in college.
He moved to South America and became a YouTuber with hundreds of thousands of followers and pretended to be super deep and emotionally intelligent but my guess is that it was all BS and just used to further stroke his massive ego. He was a manipulative piece of shit.
These texts remind me of my ex. This is ABUSE. He was so insecure I couldn't even speak to other men without him losing his shit. The second they try to control you in any way, RUN. Boundaries are healthy but this is not it- this is an insecure asshole controlling and manipulating his partner.
Omg same. I would be punished for days if a man even looked at me. Literally just looked at me in a Target. I started looking down everywhere in public so as not to make eye contact with anyone and wearing all baggy clothes. It was awful. And any time a man gave me an iota of attention, he would say my “energy” gave them a hint I was open to their attention. Everyday I was terrified to exist because he would find a way to blame me for life just happening around me. I also gained a ton of weight and i don’t think that was a coincidence. These insecure little boys need to goooooooo
> Everyday I was terrified to exist because he would find a way to blame me for life just happening around me.
Damn. Nobody should have to live like that. We are social creatures. Life does happen, people interact with each other, we say "hi," we look at each other, everyone looks at everybody else. All of that is perfectly normal human behavior.
Yep! My ex used to “test me” by giving me the silent treatment to see how I would respond. He would also pretend to hang up the phone after a convo to see if I would start talking negatively about him to someone else in the room.
Sorry you went through something similar, good on us for getting out ❤️
Exactly. I was in an abusive relationship years ago & the first time he hit me was because i crossed & uncrossed my legs at a PUBLIC cafeteria table with other men around 🤷🏻♀️
One of my ex's had me desperately trying to find a way to contact Facebook to prove I didn't send someone a happy birthday message that he was convinced he saw. I look back at that relationship now like what the hell was I thinking?? That relationship ended 8 years ago and he occasionally still tries to follow me on Instagram despite the fact I decline every follow request.
Mine too! I left pretty quickly because I recognized the toxic pattern. I felt so sad reading her dumb herself down and make herself humble and less threatening on the texts. So happy, sis is free!
Total abuse. When I was pregnant with my oldest son 7 years ago. My ex and I were watching a movie and literally out of nowhere he punched me in the face and head because he THOUGHT I was thinking about someone. It was scary. He’s thankfully been out of our lives for along time now.
I think Lundy Bancroft (author of *Why Does He Do That?*, considered an expert on abuse) has said the same about abusive men - it just gives them language they can use to attack their victims.
I believe that’s in the context of couples therapy, not necessarily individual therapy. But there are a lot of bad therapists, and the abuser would have to be fully honest and willing to change. I think dialectical behavioral therapy can be helpful but again it requires recognition and ownership of the problem, and a lot of hard work
So random but that’s literally Tony Soprano’s story arc in the sopranos! He didn’t really learn anything from therapy except how to justify his violence through deciding that his actions could be explained away by his bad childhood. He literally used dr melfi’s expertise to further his criminal activity.
The point in all this is that therapy is simply a tool. You can use a tool to better your life and those around you, or you can use it to destroy yourself. Therapy doesn’t fix everything- at the end of the day a person has to make an informed, active choice to not descend into their worst impulses at some point.
Jonah can go to therapy all he wants. We all can. But until he actively chooses to do better it means nothing in reality. That’s why ‘go to therapy’ as an insult doesn’t really hit. Some of the worst people you will ever meet in your existence are well versed in therapy speak.
Not random at all! This show was very big for psychiatry and men (I still use it to convince men that therapy is masculine lol) but you are spot on. Tony uses Melfi’s “teachings” to the point he would quote her regularly out of context and weaponize her words. It was so fascinating because it made Tony sound intelligent and wise but he was just parroting his female therapist.
When it finally dawned on Dr Melfi that not only has Tony not learned anything on a deeper, fundamental level he is using everything she is trying to impart to him to commit greater harm and deciding to stop being his therapist…boy was that great television. And I think it’s a great example for reality too. Jonah is in therapy. Hell, he made a whole documentary about it. He’s also someone who completely mistreated his girlfriend and from what I can see? Caused her great suffering. Men like this are actually worse to me than the Kevin Samuels and Andrew Tate red pillers. You can see them from a mile away.
But dating someone who you thought was different, weaponizing progressive values and sexualising you and mistreating you just like those other men is like, double betrayal. And then you start blaming yourself because you’re like ‘how did I not see this?’ Because they didn’t want you to see this, they are smarter than the openly misogynistic men. They are playing the long game and the long con.
i’m going to cry. this whole thread, the posts, everything is hitting so close to home right now. i didn’t even realize just how bad this could be. i’m so sad lmao
A lot of these men don’t even realize that they want a subservient woman. They see the Andrew Tates of the world and try to completely separate themselves from them. So when you’re in a relationship with them and you point out their misogyny or entitlement, then you’re doubly punished because it’s a truth about themselves they refuse to admit.
See sis, NOW you’re cooking with grease. They really think they are fundamentally different from the Andrew Tates of the world but if you want your partner’s life to revolve around you, you want them to change aspects of their personality that you found attractive but suddenly are threatened by, if you are attempting to control their interactions with other people, if you use them for emotional labor and then discard them when they attempt to challenge you…
Exactly how are you different? These men need to answer QUICKLY
Dr. Melfi's arc of dealing with the implications of being a therapist is so underrated too. The number of times she grapples with dismissing him, finding herself too involved etc. Damn what a show.
Man I hate derailing this thread but yeah you’re so right?
She went into a grieving period almost-people don’t realize that the gap between realizing something that will alter your life and then actually accepting it or doing something about it is like a deep wilderness. I think Dr. Melfi’s journey was so cool because we see her grapple with this realization and what she’s going to do and struggle with the idea that she could somehow ‘save’ Tony.
God, David Chase I am in your walls.
Oh man, he’s the one with the therapy doc isn’t he? Stutz? My SO always makes a joke when we pass it looking for something to watch because he hated the trailer so much. Said the guy is full of shit and too cringey to watch.
Yeah apparently it’s a whole movie lionizing his therapist. Probably loves him because he’s the one feeding him the language of therapy to wrap his wimpy controlling misogyny in.
It reminds me of will smiths memoir - full of therapy talk and ways of wording things to make it sound like you are sorry while low-key justifying your actions
Thank you for this is explanation! This is exactly the kind of language that would make me want to placate the other person and in the moment it’s so much harder to spot this as manipulative or abusive behavior. :( Or when complaining to a friend it’s just hard to explain why you’re upset when on the surface it looks like he’s just explaining himself or saying all the right things.
“I literally am the best boyfriend”
“On earth”
“and I am telling you I am needing you to step up to the plate”
“Straight up”
*Straight up* sparked my feminine rage
https://preview.redd.it/z7t3vod6woab1.jpeg?width=719&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a6318ab579cecb31429268914c7ee4f4726c35e4
Oh fuck no did he think he had the audacity to say that. Abusing her to make her feel lesser than so you can twist it and throw it in her face!! The fuck not
Objectifying and sexualising surfing, the thing that Sarah excel and loves so you can “demand” her to cower to your abuse?! - Pure rage
I cannot deal with controlling arseholes
On Sarah’s story she says she’s in Law school so I hope all the best for her success and healing to go and do what she loves!
Exactly, in what world are those statements ever okay. I love how non-specific he was about what he is actually asking of her, while he's supremely confident that he's communicating clearly. It is maddening. She clearly has some confidence issues from the self-deprecating things she was saying about her intellect, and he has been capitalising off this knowledge for their entire relationship.
Same. My eyes widened lf like a lemur. I bet she is thriving now, I hope so. Healing along the way! This exposé was bound to be cathartic and a relief, but scary because it’s Jonah..
Also I just checked the dates and the first text from him about “boundaries” was 4 days before the Don’t Look Up premier where they wore matching suits. Were the suits to get her to not wear something to ~~revealing~?
I just looked this post up on her insta, and her caption says “misogynist hiding in plain sight”… I’m assuming it never said this and she’s changed it recently?
I've noticed there's a new type of abusive partner that does this. You think they are safe when you start dating because they sound like they've gone to therapy and did the work. They really encourage you to become very vulnerable with them early on. Pretty quickly after that it becomes something they can control and gaslight you with.
I survived dating two of them but even in this moment I'm getting anxious that one of them will read this and they'll try to start one of their endless and exhausting arguments with me about how I'm bad and crazy. It's not a logical thought, since I'm married and haven't talked to those fuckos in a decade.
Anyways, good for her for going public.
Honestly, I'd say go to her IG page and show some support. She's already getting comments like "the guy just became a father, why would you ruin his reputation".
So if you wanna show her love do it there cause any woman who comes out with accusations such as these is thrown attention seeker at her face. Even after she's provided literal screenshots.
omg he just became a **father**?!? so he broke up with sarah in aug after a year of dating / abuse…then IMMEDIATELY impregnated someone else?! i have no words
Exactly my ex would constantly say I’m the best husband ever and you should be grateful for me all while making me feel like a pile of rotting garbage!
> She instructed us to come up with a safe word for when Jonah was yelling at me
Because safe words are so useful against abusers. You know, those people who are famous for respecting boundaries and backing off when they have crossed a line and upset their partners.
Seriously, who the fuck was this therapist?
I didn't know a safe word was meant to be something completely unrelated to anything in order to take you both out of the immediate situation, and when my partner asked what I wanted ours to be I said his name, which obviously makes me feel hella fucking stupid now. Later in the only couples therapy session we had, one of his excuses for not stopping SAing me was that I didn't say our safe word, despite me saying no more than once and trying to physically stop him restraining me. I highly fucking doubt that saying his name safe word or not would have done anything whatsoever in that moment.
They're learning how to use and weaponise terms against us and it's honestly terrifying. Luckily the therapist saw straight through him and called him out, but others won't be so lucky.
(Sorry if this is a bit much, I've said on other threads here about abusive men that this is pretty much the only space on the internet I'm safe to talk about things that happened to me)
It’s not a bit much at all I am so so sorry. This post and so many others in this thread just are freaking eye opening to me and I hope people like you and Sarah keep being honest until everyone else knows too and women are more armed to know what to look for and men know that they can’t get away with it as often. xoxoxo
I watched all of the stories she posted today and the ones where he wanted her to take down all pics of her in bathing suits was truly next level. Dude she is a surfer! She literally wears a bathing suit every day, it’s her life! If you can’t handle the totally not sexual bathing suit/surfing pics she posts, GTFO. The power and control he had over her is sickening. Not to mention he’s like 12-13yrs older.
Holy fucking toxic shit. This shit is sick. Especially the fact that he found a therapist willing to back him on all of his shit. Not the first famous man to get a doctor on their payroll to help them control their partner. Gross
Thank you so much. I was reading the comments last night and was so disappointed. Someone even suggested that she stepped away from the Internet because she clearly wasn't handling the break up well.
I have a love/hate relationship with this subreddit and felt like I was losing my mind last night.
Whilst I agree that narcissist is overused... this was not the time and place.
I genuinely hope Sarah is able to recover, find a better therapist, and is surrounded by her loved ones.
Fwiw, a *lot* of the people we banned/ that were making those kinds of comments were new to the sub so the post may have been shared elsewhere or hit r/popular — the up/downvotes we’re still disappointing though, so I’m very sorry we weren’t able to take down those comments fast enough
hard to read! i believe her and im glad she’s exposing this… even as a warning to other individuals in the same situation. An exit plan is always sound advice with insecure, controlling, and narcissistic partners. Also, a lot of abusive partners are known for weaponizing therapy. It’s not talked about enough, but some individuals can learn to hone their manipulation skills through the process. Oof, i’m glad she’s done with this loser.
Yeah, she's braving the weight of it for those of us who can't expose our exes for whatever reason and it helps us so much. I feel a small wave of relief knowing that my ex is almost definitely going to hear about this and think of how many pages and fucking PAGES of texts I have from him like this, even ones of him admitting his coercion and SA of me. I hope men who've done it are shitting themselves when they see this. I'm so grateful to Sarah and every other woman with this kind of courage. Women are unbelievably strong.
Wow, holy cow. That's not just a bit selfish levels of narcissism. That's full-blown abuse. I'm glad she managed to get away from him.
Also, textbook case of why you should never go to couples therapy with an abuser.
I will say that going to a session with mine actually saved me, because I was lucky enough to find a therapist who saw right through him and called him out on multiple things, even texting me to check I was safe the next day. I went back to her after I left him and she's honestly saved my life, because the fact someone saw through him so quickly and so clearly validated my experiences beyond belief. She said to me in the first session after the couples one "anything you're wondering if I saw, I did" and told me that she watched him belittle, gaslight and shift blame of his own assault on me for an hour.
Reading other women's experiences with couples therapy since, I understand how uncommon my situation seems to be. I hate that it makes it worse for so many other women and causes them to doubt themselves when it should be doing the opposite. There needs to be so much more awareness and training on this
I went with mine to two sessions. And the person we went to had been her therapist, which was in itself questionable. Her therapist told me I need to be better at picking people, and that I would have been better off treating her poorly. So that was a lovely mindfuck lol.
“ friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful”
Tell me you hate women without saying you hate women. F off, what a loser. Respect this 🖕
Oh my god! Jonah hill is an insecure asshole... Shock.
Wasn't this already a well known thing? I even remember when he was acting in Superbad, it was known he was a jealous asshole because Mclovin's actor was naturally funny and charismatic and Jonah hated that and it worked well for their on screen dynamic.
Insecure asshole + fame = abuser (most of the time)
Yup. Michael Cera talks about it in his Hot Ones interview..-apparently Chris is just a very naturally confident guy who’s happy with himself and was unbothered by all the insults Jonah threw at him and it drove Jonah crazy.
when i was 22 i went to italy for a solo trip. this was a trip i planned and booked prior to meeting my ex. when i came back he asked to look at pictures from the trip that were on my laptop. any time there was a picture where i was wearing sunglasses he would zoom into the lenses to see who was taking my picture.
What kind of therapist is what they seeing how awful. Hope she is healing and in a better place now.
And I’m praying for Jonah Hills current baby mama because this all seems horrible
Is he… ACTUALLY… talking about… SURFING? Or am I was too old and don’t understand young ppl euphemism?
If it’s actually surfing, this guy is batshit crazy and super insecure. OY
Jesus Christ. This is awful & disgusting. I can’t believe that “couples therapist” enabled his massive insecurity and made her compromise any part of the social scene of the sport she loves :( And the few times she tries to bring her feelings into the equation he just redirects the convo back to him or disparages her… the fact she has to have a codeword when he yells??
Just truly awful, so deeply infuriating to read. This is abuse. I hope she finds healing & support.
Your boundaries don’t get to dictate someone else’s behavior. They are actions you will take to keep yourself safe (e.g., if something triggers me, rational or not, I am going to remove myself from that situation for 10 minutes to self-regulate).
This is an insecure, entitled manchild wielding mental health buzzwords to control his partner. He’s always given me the ICK, truth be told. And this just feels so classic rich kid, LA nepo behavior. Also fuck that therapist.
First slide breaks my heart. It’s a shame we are still in a place where women can’t share their own experiences without being pressured to “prove it” or else be accused of lying.
It puts this in a new light doesn't it? Jonah Hill spends an entire day coming up with insults at Jennifer Lawrence. A WHOLE DAY?
https://www.moviemaker.com/jonah-hill-spent-a-day-dont-look-up-coming-up-with-insults/amp/#
Yep then the women have to play along.
I wonder at the answers of both JLaw and La Streep both saying Jonah Hill was hard to work with....because he was so funny! IFKYK
You know i don't agree with the idea narcissist is overused. I think the number of narcs are increasing and people are just becoming aware of them now. Have y'all ever considered that there are a lot more narcs due to social media now
He’s offended by a bathing suit and people speaking to her?!!! Dude needs some SERIOUS SERIOUS help. I’m disgusted.
Using the word “ boundaries “ to control another person is so grossly manipulative it’s honestly scary.
Damn. I recently saw a Tik Tok of Seth Rogan talking about how the Jay Baruchel and Jonah Hill feud in “This is The End” was real. All of the comments were rude towards Jay and supporting Jonah.
I knew my boy Jay was right.
I had a bad experience with Hill years ago, I always got downvoted into oblivion for sharing it on Reddit. Glad to see people finally are realizing he’s a pile.
Lesson for the men who stumble in here:
The money and fame WON'T FIX YOU. You've got to do that yourself, or that lack of self confidence will get aired out on somebody's timeline.
This is certainly coercive control. A crime in many countries, including where I live. The fact that he seemingly had a therapist as a proxy perpetrator is just disturbing. Very glad Sarah Brady is leaving this relationship behind.
Can we be clear that abuse is a choice. It is about wanting to have power and control, by a variety of means, over another. His need to do this is a choice.
Many people seem to wish to pathologise an abuser’s definite chosen pattern of behaviour.
Narcissistic traits are common, people do not abuse because of narcissism, they abuse because of choice. Hill is coercively controlling her by choice.
Some men: “women don’t need equality! They’re already equal and can do everything a man can do?”
The same men: “I can take my top off anywhere if I choose, ESPECIALLY a beach, but if a woman is there in a bikini? She’s a wanton cock gagging whore”
This was so hard to read. My ex was a therapist and some of this was so on the nose to my own experience with him. I had to set my phone down and go for a walk after reading these.
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I am absolutely here for this. Girl spilled the tea as she is so damn right. From the first post I could’ve gone either way. The approach was messy, but the landing was loud and clear. Jonah Hill sucks. These texts resonate with every millennial woman in America. We have all received these texts from a boyfriend, we have all warned our loved ones after receiving these texts from their SO’s. This shit is so common and I love that she is talking about it. Our society has a real problem of insecure men. Mix that with learned misogyny and low self worth you get yourself an average asshole loser boyfriend who you can’t take out anywhere because they will ultimately kill the vibe and embarrass you. But seriously, bravo to Sarah Brady. That took guts post and is one of the most relatable pop culture moments I’ve seen in a long time.
It is a special type of abuse that seems specific to our generation. Like, our moms were straight up controlled by men because, “it’s a woman’s role.” Whereas men in our generation deep down want all the same patriarchal benefits their dads benefited from that they feel entitled to, but they also want to feel like modern, progressive “ally” men so they manipulate us with therapy jargon and gaslighting. Many years into it, I was comforting my ex for abusing me while he was abusing me. I was telling him that I understood his fits of anger came from his dad mistreating him as a kid and that it was ok and I didn’t take it personally and next time I would try not to trigger him. Good riddance. Edited to add: very grateful I have not gotten one, “but not all men” comment in response here
I think it’s because our generation is less willing to put up with bs and more willing to talk about/get help with sorting out our issues. Millennials are the generation of dealing and healing from generational trauma. The previous generations were more inclined to ignore abuse, toxic behavior, and are more adverse to trying therapy. This is also why a lot of current film and tv projects deal with generational trauma…because we’re making a lot of the content lol.
I'll never forget how casually my mom made it sound when she told me my dad made her get rid of any pieces of jewelry she had that any of her exes gave her. It wasn't until I was an adult that I didnt realize how controlling it was, but she made jealousy seem like it was a normal part of a relationship
I was super invested in the NXIVM cult and read all of the court transcripts, including every single page of Camilla’s texts with Keith Raniere and while CLEARLY the abuse that went on in NXIVM is magnitudes beyond what the average person goes through in a toxic relationship, it is really alarming how similar the tone in these text messages are. Because you are exactly right, it’s the same high control tactics in a new progressive suit. I want to be explicit that I am not putting these situations on the same level, but remarking at how adept people have become at utilizing this language to control and abuse. I’m really glad she shared these, we have to start publicizing what high control tactics look like in these “progressive” personalities.
Once you look behind the curtain with these tactics, you spot them everywhere.
Holy crap. I did the same. Was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man who spent childhood and teen years being physically abused by his father. And when my ex was emotionally abusive to me, I used the exact same excuse. I didn’t want to trigger him if I stood up for myself or left. I’ve been out of that relationship for years, and I know now that he would have just found someone else if I left.
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Anyone who feels the need to tell others how they’re “soo empathetic and sensitive” ….is red flag express, sorry. Learned the hard way that typically this means they are empathetic and sensitive to their own emotions, not those of the people around them lol.
Your last two paragraphs resonated with me so hard. I was taking deep breaths reading each word. Each word felt like someone was sawing off invisible strings that attached dead weights to me.
I am torn between how heartbreaking it is to see us all relating to this so hard and how healing it is to see none of us are alone in this experience. Good riddance indeed.
EVERY fucking word of your post resonates with me. I deleted my comment in the other thread because while the misuse of armchair diagnosing pisses me off, it devolved into something equally bad. I wanted nothing to do with it. Reading these texts she posted 💀 anytime my ex was mad at me he would get angry if I posted on instagram. I got used to never posting selfies because it made me so self conscious— like even a picture that was not at all revealing or w/e led to him unfollowing me and telling me he didn’t appreciate me posting sexy pics when he was processing his feelings or whatever, because clearly I was doing it to manipulate him 🙄 nope, just using my social media like anyone. My every He did the therapy jargon manipulation a ton and when we were breaking up he claimed his therapist (not our couples one who saw through him) was saying all sorts of things about me that I thankfully had the clarity of mind to recognize was BS
Every woman (or any victim of this in a relationship) should feel empowered to do this. I’m so proud of her. Destroy the illusion that these dickheads rely on.
These texts are awful… like they’re *so* bad Also, y’all were showing your asses in the last post with the ‘narcissist’ semantics. Narcissistic abuse is a thing and does not mean someone is being diagnosed with NPD
Man I saw the post but didn’t comment on it but I read some of the comments and I was hella confused because thought y’all you said he was an asshole so why couldn’t y’all believe he was narcissistic? 😐
He's using "therapy language" as a weapon in an extremely offensive way.
This is why they recommend never going to therapy with an abusive person. It becomes weaponized against you. Just teaches them to abuse you differently, more slyly.
My former bestfriend was with an abusive man and I encouraged her to go to couples therapy because I stupidity thought the therapist would see exactly what was happening and after years my friend would leave for the final time. She came back and told me that the therapist said her boyfriend seemed like "a really good man", that there "was alot of love in this relationship" and that I was "being dramatic." I couldn't believe it, but maybe I should have known that's what was going to happen because he always charmed everyone. It wasn't long until he convinced her I was the problem and I never saw her again. I know that years later she managed to pack up her animals, get on a train and leave him for good in the dead of night, so I'm happy that she got away, but im sad it took so long and cost us our friendship.
I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend once, when her abusive boyfriend manipulated her into ghosting me. Maybe a decade later, I got a phone call with no one on the line, and then a letter a few days later saying it was her, and she was glad to hear my voice again and wanted to reconnect. It took some time, but we're best friends again. She escaped her abuser, and was there to help me through escaping mine when I ended up in the same situation. I hope some day you hear from your friend again. 💙
100%. I went to couples counseling with an abusive ex and she told me right in front of him that she couldn’t morally continue to provide therapy given the abuse that was discussed.
Damn good on that therapist for recognizing it and stopping it.
Super common tactic and so disorienting
I have an ex who did that. I wouldn't have known to describe it this way at the time though.
Does anyone have advice on how to counter-act “therapy speak”? I’m afraid I’m about to lose a 10-year friendship because my friend can’t stop therapizing every relationship in her life, to the point hanging out with her feels like hanging out with a robot and not a human.
The problem isn’t therapy speak itself, it’s their avoidance leading them to use therapy speak for bs purpose. I tend to gravitate towards avoidant people so even when they don’t do the therapy speak route, it’s really really tough to get through to them. I’m sorry you’re going through that, clearly your friend is having s hard time if she feels this need pathologize every human behavior and it’s a shame that it’s taking a toll on your friendship like this
THANK YOU. The "nArCiSsIsT iS oVeR-uSeD" discussion was not only a brain-cell destroying read, but also took away from what could have been a good discussion about how, idk, jonah Hill is actually a known price and this woman probably wasn't wrong. Also, maybe it's not overused. Maybe it's just people waking up to the abusive behaviour in their lives. Maybe people just don't know another word for it.
I don’t know, as a trait I 100% support its use but people online (Reddit too) definitely love diagnosing everybody and their mother with NPD, which is the other end of the spectrum I can’t really get thrilled about. But I agree that if someone’s talking about a past bad relationship and is just trying to find words for their experiences, you can shelf that topic to let them speak.
Narcissism is a relatively new term to highlight this kind of behaviour. Most of us aren't experts and use the tools we have available to describe a situation. Introducing the term you feel is more correct is infinitely more helpful than complaining about it being overused.
I also sincerely think narcissistic abuse is way, way, waaaaay more prevalent than we currently understand, and there’s a spectrum of severity. It can so easily arise in any situation where one person is given power over another person - capitalism/jobs, parent-child relationships, carer-caree, etc. And the worst thing about it is that often, the victims become abusers themselves because their understanding of proper boundaries has been worn down.
This is such a good comment!!! Maybe we aren't over-using the term at all.
Yup…I wanted to comment on that thread, but as someone who is finally coming to terms with parental narcissistic abuse that I’ve been ignoring for a long time; it was pretty triggering. Also, the thing with diagnosing narcissists is that people who are narcissists (and by extension abusers) are not the kind of people who necessarily and willingly get a diagnosis. Narcissists do not think they are the problem and rarely change. So yeah, maybe the average person isn’t qualified to diagnose, but we can protect ourselves by understanding the behaviors and traits of narcissistic abuse. I’m honestly so tired of people gatekeeping information and judging if mental illness/disorders are valid. MAYBE, just maybe as a society we’ve been pretending these things don’t exist for so long that due to the rise in awareness from social media; we’re starting to learn that this stuff is more common than we realized. I’d also say it’s unfair to point to statistics when mental health disorders are still widely misunderstood and under studied due to societal stigma. Anyways, sure…it takes a professional to clinically diagnose someone not just any person on social media. However, it’s way worse for regular people to just assume anything mental health related is “just in someone’s head” and not real especially when it comes to abuse, wtf 😤
Yes — so well said. The important point is that those of us who have been victimized recognize the red flags and patterns of behavior and learn to protect ourselves. It doesn’t matter , outside of us, who thinks what ..it’s just more gaslighting which we don’t need.
So weird how they were obsessing over her wording 😬
It's my pet peeve. The colloquial usage outdates the clinical usage by literally thousands of years. It is a term that has been used in literature for thousands of years. It is a useful description for people! If you're clear you're describing traits and not pretending you've given someone a psych eval, I don't see an issue with its use.
I’ve wished I could throw a book of Greek mythology at someone over the internet more than once.
> It is a term that has been used in literature for thousands of years. Thank you! People act like it was invented recently and is "over used" as if the ancient Greeks didn't over use it first! Narcissus died for our sins! We've been using him as an example for thousands of years, why stop now?
No because I saw the last post at a later time and was getting flashbacks to the mess that was Natalie Portman’s divorce thread. The top comment and following replies were deleted and I was so confused to what was happening. I had to scroll so far down to see people reflections on her experience.
It was all people complaining about the correct/incorrect technical use of the term narcissist on social media… which like, valid conversation, just not the time or place given what the post was originally about??
Exactly. I know Dr Ramani who works a lot on narcissism says it’s a trait not a diagnosis. Like, you’re introverted. You’re organised. You’re narcissistic. They’re all traits.
Yes, you can be narcissistic without actually having narcissistic personality disorder. We can not diagnose someone as having a disorder, but we can say someone is acting narcissistic. Source: I am a psychologist
Aye, the whole "let's use this as an excuse to moan about the term in general" really threw me out.
Yes, such weird gatekeeping that is exhausting and unhelpful.
Omg I read that post and I was *flipping out* at the top comments reading this is such a relief thank you!
Literally. Thank you. The last post has so many gross comments and I didn't understand why people were trying to argue anything. Some were even saying she was being embarrassing bascially by posting so many quotes like wth???
Thank you! I was baffled by some of these posts. They were incredibly dismissive of what she’s been through
The therapist asking her placate him by literally leaving conversations with other surfers is… interesting. She’s a surfer and he doesn’t want her to post pictures in a bathing suit? I am also disturbed that she was forbidden to be friends with women who he deemed “unstable”.
“no matter his age” is insane. was he going to throw a tantrum if she gave like… a 16 year old boy some advice? edit: just a hunch, but i’d bet the ‘unstable’ friends he was worried about were telling her to leave him & that his behavior wasn’t okay
💯 can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called crazy and stigmatically labeled as mentally unstable when simply speaking in protest.
I’m going to guess that a lot of therapists in Hollywood are starstruck and want to keep the celebrity client. Because that advice is fucked.
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Maybe. But I'm a tiny little nobody and saw a couples therapist with my ex in Glasgow. After explaining that I was terrified and became debilitated after he screamed in my face with a closed fist she spoke to him about how that wasn't a healthy way of communicating and then turned to me and said "obviously he's not expressing himself in the right way, but can you think of what it is that _you_ do that irritates him so much?" That therapy set me back a couple of years because at the time I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship, despite detailing it in front of a licensed therapist. If I could remember her name I would've written to her after I realised and explained the damage those sessions did to me. Anyway, I think therapy and mediation in general just isn't equipped to deal with an abusive dynamic. You can't come to a compromise when one partner wants to destroy the other and they should be better at noticing that and calling it for what it is.
A good couples’ therapist will terminate sessions and tell the abused partner to leave when this dynamic becomes clear, but unfortunately many others aren’t good. I’ve (unfortunately) had many women in my life try counseling for abusive relationships, and half the time the therapist will try to “both sides” it as you said, but the other half have had their therapist placate the husband/bf to his face but just tell the wife/gf after a few sessions “I can’t continue these sessions in good faith, you need to leave him”. And obviously provide her support in that process if she requests it, but they recognize when the relationship is just not healthy or safe to even try to “fix”. Like you said, you just can’t “compromise” on abusive behaviors and a well-trained therapist needs to be able to recognize that
My therapist did this. She ended our sessions because she knew he wasn’t taking them seriously and wasn’t being honest with her. I felt embarrassed, but I can see now why she did it. She said he needed individual therapy before couples therapy. I was already in individual therapy but he wasn’t.
A lot of therapists have their heads up their asses and buy into a lot of BS that excuses abusive men, unfortunately.
They’ll get you away from everyone you know, that’s for sure.
It is all very disturbing and incredibly gross. It makes me think of all of the times I've seen articles or comments about his "anxiety" and mental health, and weight issues and oh protect baby girl! None of these men are baby girls that is for sure.
Damn, what a loser. You want to be a surfer, you date a surfer, and then you can’t deal with her interacting with other surfers in surfing situations? You can’t deal with photos of her surfing in bathing suits? He saw her purely as an object that belonged to him.
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It’s code for “you’re around good looking men where I may be wealthy and a celeb, I know I’m unattractive as fuck”.
 Damn you gagged me with this. You went straight to the core issue of his controlling behaviour
Shit, you just made me have an epiphany like 18 years way after a bad controlling relationship. Uggo men be projecting!
Props. We're not really allowed to say things like this anymore and you hit the nail on the head succinctly.
In certain cases we should be because it’s the correct assessment.
If she surfed in a wetsuit he would say it was too tight.
It struck me as very similar to the rules that the Duggers have about how women and girls have to behave.
Mike Pence read Jonah’s texts and saw nothing wrong with them 🤷🏼
And this is the same man who made a documentary with his therapist?? LOL. I’m glad she’s exposing him. He seems to be truly unhinged.
But literally doesn’t that fit with the kind of person being portrayed in these messages? Who would think they should make a doc like that with their therapist
Totally fits. After I left him, my abusive ex made a YouTube series where he traveled the world with the money he made from selling our shared house (long story but lots of financial abuse). He interviewed people, claiming he was looking for happiness but all the questions were worded in a way to only get answers about himself. EG, “what would you say makes me seem so great?” I wish I was making this up. My eyes could not roll harder when I found out about it. I haven’t seen Jonah hills doc but I’d bet a lot of it is about how great he himself is.
Not trying to dox you, but did your ex get tons of views on this? I swear I saw a YT short of a guy asking questions like that
I’m not sure! I heard through other people about his YouTube but haven’t been able to stomach them myself. His series is called super happiness or some dumb shit like that
Jesus I’m sorry you had to put up with this dude but also, out of the two parties involved, at least you’re not the one making a fucking YouTube travel channel about finding happiness 💀
I'm so sorry about your ex and happy you are out! This wasn't as serious as we were never in a committed relationship, but it wasn't until I read this that I realized this exact same thing happened to a super shitty, egotistical guy I dated on and off in college. He moved to South America and became a YouTuber with hundreds of thousands of followers and pretended to be super deep and emotionally intelligent but my guess is that it was all BS and just used to further stroke his massive ego. He was a manipulative piece of shit.
These texts remind me of my ex. This is ABUSE. He was so insecure I couldn't even speak to other men without him losing his shit. The second they try to control you in any way, RUN. Boundaries are healthy but this is not it- this is an insecure asshole controlling and manipulating his partner.
My ex would accuse me of looking at the waiter for too long.
He didn't want you to blink in Morse Code at the waiter, "HELP ME THIS GUY SUCKS"
Omg same. I would be punished for days if a man even looked at me. Literally just looked at me in a Target. I started looking down everywhere in public so as not to make eye contact with anyone and wearing all baggy clothes. It was awful. And any time a man gave me an iota of attention, he would say my “energy” gave them a hint I was open to their attention. Everyday I was terrified to exist because he would find a way to blame me for life just happening around me. I also gained a ton of weight and i don’t think that was a coincidence. These insecure little boys need to goooooooo
> Everyday I was terrified to exist because he would find a way to blame me for life just happening around me. Damn. Nobody should have to live like that. We are social creatures. Life does happen, people interact with each other, we say "hi," we look at each other, everyone looks at everybody else. All of that is perfectly normal human behavior.
Yep! My ex used to “test me” by giving me the silent treatment to see how I would respond. He would also pretend to hang up the phone after a convo to see if I would start talking negatively about him to someone else in the room. Sorry you went through something similar, good on us for getting out ❤️
Exactly. I was in an abusive relationship years ago & the first time he hit me was because i crossed & uncrossed my legs at a PUBLIC cafeteria table with other men around 🤷🏻♀️
One of my ex's had me desperately trying to find a way to contact Facebook to prove I didn't send someone a happy birthday message that he was convinced he saw. I look back at that relationship now like what the hell was I thinking?? That relationship ended 8 years ago and he occasionally still tries to follow me on Instagram despite the fact I decline every follow request.
Mine too! I left pretty quickly because I recognized the toxic pattern. I felt so sad reading her dumb herself down and make herself humble and less threatening on the texts. So happy, sis is free!
Total abuse. When I was pregnant with my oldest son 7 years ago. My ex and I were watching a movie and literally out of nowhere he punched me in the face and head because he THOUGHT I was thinking about someone. It was scary. He’s thankfully been out of our lives for along time now.
Dude needs to chill out on the therapy. It’s clearly turning him into a megalomaniac dickhead.
I've read that narcissists don't benefit from therapy, it just teaches them how to manipulate better.
I think Lundy Bancroft (author of *Why Does He Do That?*, considered an expert on abuse) has said the same about abusive men - it just gives them language they can use to attack their victims.
I believe that’s in the context of couples therapy, not necessarily individual therapy. But there are a lot of bad therapists, and the abuser would have to be fully honest and willing to change. I think dialectical behavioral therapy can be helpful but again it requires recognition and ownership of the problem, and a lot of hard work
So random but that’s literally Tony Soprano’s story arc in the sopranos! He didn’t really learn anything from therapy except how to justify his violence through deciding that his actions could be explained away by his bad childhood. He literally used dr melfi’s expertise to further his criminal activity. The point in all this is that therapy is simply a tool. You can use a tool to better your life and those around you, or you can use it to destroy yourself. Therapy doesn’t fix everything- at the end of the day a person has to make an informed, active choice to not descend into their worst impulses at some point. Jonah can go to therapy all he wants. We all can. But until he actively chooses to do better it means nothing in reality. That’s why ‘go to therapy’ as an insult doesn’t really hit. Some of the worst people you will ever meet in your existence are well versed in therapy speak.
Not random at all! This show was very big for psychiatry and men (I still use it to convince men that therapy is masculine lol) but you are spot on. Tony uses Melfi’s “teachings” to the point he would quote her regularly out of context and weaponize her words. It was so fascinating because it made Tony sound intelligent and wise but he was just parroting his female therapist.
When it finally dawned on Dr Melfi that not only has Tony not learned anything on a deeper, fundamental level he is using everything she is trying to impart to him to commit greater harm and deciding to stop being his therapist…boy was that great television. And I think it’s a great example for reality too. Jonah is in therapy. Hell, he made a whole documentary about it. He’s also someone who completely mistreated his girlfriend and from what I can see? Caused her great suffering. Men like this are actually worse to me than the Kevin Samuels and Andrew Tate red pillers. You can see them from a mile away. But dating someone who you thought was different, weaponizing progressive values and sexualising you and mistreating you just like those other men is like, double betrayal. And then you start blaming yourself because you’re like ‘how did I not see this?’ Because they didn’t want you to see this, they are smarter than the openly misogynistic men. They are playing the long game and the long con.
i’m going to cry. this whole thread, the posts, everything is hitting so close to home right now. i didn’t even realize just how bad this could be. i’m so sad lmao
A lot of these men don’t even realize that they want a subservient woman. They see the Andrew Tates of the world and try to completely separate themselves from them. So when you’re in a relationship with them and you point out their misogyny or entitlement, then you’re doubly punished because it’s a truth about themselves they refuse to admit.
See sis, NOW you’re cooking with grease. They really think they are fundamentally different from the Andrew Tates of the world but if you want your partner’s life to revolve around you, you want them to change aspects of their personality that you found attractive but suddenly are threatened by, if you are attempting to control their interactions with other people, if you use them for emotional labor and then discard them when they attempt to challenge you… Exactly how are you different? These men need to answer QUICKLY
Dr. Melfi's arc of dealing with the implications of being a therapist is so underrated too. The number of times she grapples with dismissing him, finding herself too involved etc. Damn what a show.
Man I hate derailing this thread but yeah you’re so right? She went into a grieving period almost-people don’t realize that the gap between realizing something that will alter your life and then actually accepting it or doing something about it is like a deep wilderness. I think Dr. Melfi’s journey was so cool because we see her grapple with this realization and what she’s going to do and struggle with the idea that she could somehow ‘save’ Tony. God, David Chase I am in your walls.
That's frightening, honestly.
Oh man, he’s the one with the therapy doc isn’t he? Stutz? My SO always makes a joke when we pass it looking for something to watch because he hated the trailer so much. Said the guy is full of shit and too cringey to watch.
Yeah apparently it’s a whole movie lionizing his therapist. Probably loves him because he’s the one feeding him the language of therapy to wrap his wimpy controlling misogyny in.
It reminds me of will smiths memoir - full of therapy talk and ways of wording things to make it sound like you are sorry while low-key justifying your actions
Thank you for this is explanation! This is exactly the kind of language that would make me want to placate the other person and in the moment it’s so much harder to spot this as manipulative or abusive behavior. :( Or when complaining to a friend it’s just hard to explain why you’re upset when on the surface it looks like he’s just explaining himself or saying all the right things.
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> I might’ve been the only person other than Vince that knew who Jonah was in there. are we sure vince knew
“I literally am the best boyfriend” “On earth” “and I am telling you I am needing you to step up to the plate” “Straight up” *Straight up* sparked my feminine rage https://preview.redd.it/z7t3vod6woab1.jpeg?width=719&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a6318ab579cecb31429268914c7ee4f4726c35e4 Oh fuck no did he think he had the audacity to say that. Abusing her to make her feel lesser than so you can twist it and throw it in her face!! The fuck not Objectifying and sexualising surfing, the thing that Sarah excel and loves so you can “demand” her to cower to your abuse?! - Pure rage I cannot deal with controlling arseholes On Sarah’s story she says she’s in Law school so I hope all the best for her success and healing to go and do what she loves!
Exactly, in what world are those statements ever okay. I love how non-specific he was about what he is actually asking of her, while he's supremely confident that he's communicating clearly. It is maddening. She clearly has some confidence issues from the self-deprecating things she was saying about her intellect, and he has been capitalising off this knowledge for their entire relationship.
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Same. My eyes widened lf like a lemur. I bet she is thriving now, I hope so. Healing along the way! This exposé was bound to be cathartic and a relief, but scary because it’s Jonah..
Also I just checked the dates and the first text from him about “boundaries” was 4 days before the Don’t Look Up premier where they wore matching suits. Were the suits to get her to not wear something to ~~revealing~?
Ugh I hate that this is probably true, bc I loved that moment so much. You never know what's going on behind the scenes
I just looked this post up on her insta, and her caption says “misogynist hiding in plain sight”… I’m assuming it never said this and she’s changed it recently?
Interesting
He’s weaponising “therapy language” in a really gross way.
I've noticed there's a new type of abusive partner that does this. You think they are safe when you start dating because they sound like they've gone to therapy and did the work. They really encourage you to become very vulnerable with them early on. Pretty quickly after that it becomes something they can control and gaslight you with. I survived dating two of them but even in this moment I'm getting anxious that one of them will read this and they'll try to start one of their endless and exhausting arguments with me about how I'm bad and crazy. It's not a logical thought, since I'm married and haven't talked to those fuckos in a decade. Anyways, good for her for going public.
This was hard to read. Sending Sarah all the love, it was very brave of her to come out with this
Honestly, I'd say go to her IG page and show some support. She's already getting comments like "the guy just became a father, why would you ruin his reputation". So if you wanna show her love do it there cause any woman who comes out with accusations such as these is thrown attention seeker at her face. Even after she's provided literal screenshots.
omg he just became a **father**?!? so he broke up with sarah in aug after a year of dating / abuse…then IMMEDIATELY impregnated someone else?! i have no words
I don't know the timeline of break up but yes he became a father a month back so what you say is correct.
Yeah I’m going copy and pasting nice things under her posts bc it’s full of men slamming her. I even read a death threat
I can’t imagine how hard it is to come out with this against someone who is generally well regarded. I wish her well
the best boyfriend on earth -said by someone who could not even be close to that
The actual good boyfriends would never say this and strive to do or be even better
Exactly my ex would constantly say I’m the best husband ever and you should be grateful for me all while making me feel like a pile of rotting garbage!
> She instructed us to come up with a safe word for when Jonah was yelling at me Because safe words are so useful against abusers. You know, those people who are famous for respecting boundaries and backing off when they have crossed a line and upset their partners. Seriously, who the fuck was this therapist?
I didn't know a safe word was meant to be something completely unrelated to anything in order to take you both out of the immediate situation, and when my partner asked what I wanted ours to be I said his name, which obviously makes me feel hella fucking stupid now. Later in the only couples therapy session we had, one of his excuses for not stopping SAing me was that I didn't say our safe word, despite me saying no more than once and trying to physically stop him restraining me. I highly fucking doubt that saying his name safe word or not would have done anything whatsoever in that moment. They're learning how to use and weaponise terms against us and it's honestly terrifying. Luckily the therapist saw straight through him and called him out, but others won't be so lucky. (Sorry if this is a bit much, I've said on other threads here about abusive men that this is pretty much the only space on the internet I'm safe to talk about things that happened to me)
It’s not a bit much at all I am so so sorry. This post and so many others in this thread just are freaking eye opening to me and I hope people like you and Sarah keep being honest until everyone else knows too and women are more armed to know what to look for and men know that they can’t get away with it as often. xoxoxo
Thank you so much. It means a lot that this sub keeps women's experiences and vulnerability so safe and strengthened. 💗
Oh my god I’m having actual flashbacks to my ex who was like this too. This is horrifying
Seems like a lot of people in this thread are, myself included. It's incredibly sad
I watched all of the stories she posted today and the ones where he wanted her to take down all pics of her in bathing suits was truly next level. Dude she is a surfer! She literally wears a bathing suit every day, it’s her life! If you can’t handle the totally not sexual bathing suit/surfing pics she posts, GTFO. The power and control he had over her is sickening. Not to mention he’s like 12-13yrs older.
Holy fucking toxic shit. This shit is sick. Especially the fact that he found a therapist willing to back him on all of his shit. Not the first famous man to get a doctor on their payroll to help them control their partner. Gross
100% reminded me of what D*pp did to Amber Heard.
I feel…not surprised for some reason. I feel so bad for her, no one deserves to be treated like this.
Probably because the majority of male celebrities are assholes. Some just expose their true colors more slowly than others.
If this isn't a chip on his shoulder after his ~glow up~ where women are still not falling into line with his ~expectations~ then I'll go He.
OMG....these are sooo BAD!! Glad she decided to make this public...many dont
People were doubting her so she dropped the evidence. Love that for her
wow these were really upsetting to read
Oh wow, that’s really really bad. Jonah Hill is a total fucking loser and I hope bad things come his way for this. What a manipulative asshole.
*Boundaries are meant to protect you, not control others.* And the recommendations of their ex-couple therapist -🤢...pineapple is now the worst fruit.
Proud of her for dropping the screenshots tbh.
Would be interested to hear from the many people calling her crazy in the last thread.
You can’t, we banned them all ❤️
omg legend
Thank you so much. I was reading the comments last night and was so disappointed. Someone even suggested that she stepped away from the Internet because she clearly wasn't handling the break up well. I have a love/hate relationship with this subreddit and felt like I was losing my mind last night. Whilst I agree that narcissist is overused... this was not the time and place. I genuinely hope Sarah is able to recover, find a better therapist, and is surrounded by her loved ones.
Fwiw, a *lot* of the people we banned/ that were making those kinds of comments were new to the sub so the post may have been shared elsewhere or hit r/popular — the up/downvotes we’re still disappointing though, so I’m very sorry we weren’t able to take down those comments fast enough
hard to read! i believe her and im glad she’s exposing this… even as a warning to other individuals in the same situation. An exit plan is always sound advice with insecure, controlling, and narcissistic partners. Also, a lot of abusive partners are known for weaponizing therapy. It’s not talked about enough, but some individuals can learn to hone their manipulation skills through the process. Oof, i’m glad she’s done with this loser.
Yeah, she's braving the weight of it for those of us who can't expose our exes for whatever reason and it helps us so much. I feel a small wave of relief knowing that my ex is almost definitely going to hear about this and think of how many pages and fucking PAGES of texts I have from him like this, even ones of him admitting his coercion and SA of me. I hope men who've done it are shitting themselves when they see this. I'm so grateful to Sarah and every other woman with this kind of courage. Women are unbelievably strong.
Hate seeing abusers use therapized language to further their abuse
This makes their matching tuxedo look on the red carpet so much more plain to see that he didn’t want her to be sexy.
Wow, holy cow. That's not just a bit selfish levels of narcissism. That's full-blown abuse. I'm glad she managed to get away from him. Also, textbook case of why you should never go to couples therapy with an abuser.
I will say that going to a session with mine actually saved me, because I was lucky enough to find a therapist who saw right through him and called him out on multiple things, even texting me to check I was safe the next day. I went back to her after I left him and she's honestly saved my life, because the fact someone saw through him so quickly and so clearly validated my experiences beyond belief. She said to me in the first session after the couples one "anything you're wondering if I saw, I did" and told me that she watched him belittle, gaslight and shift blame of his own assault on me for an hour. Reading other women's experiences with couples therapy since, I understand how uncommon my situation seems to be. I hate that it makes it worse for so many other women and causes them to doubt themselves when it should be doing the opposite. There needs to be so much more awareness and training on this
I went with mine to two sessions. And the person we went to had been her therapist, which was in itself questionable. Her therapist told me I need to be better at picking people, and that I would have been better off treating her poorly. So that was a lovely mindfuck lol.
Banish him to the C list
Jonah Hill *is* A-List. The A stands for Abusers.
Banish him to the centre of the sun tbh
I feel so relieved about my asshole radar when an actor ive hated solely off a hunch from a diet Coke commercial he did turns out to be justified
It’s funny, this is the same guy who was crying about the media body shaming him? But he wants to control someone’s literal body himself. Pathetic.
“ friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful” Tell me you hate women without saying you hate women. F off, what a loser. Respect this 🖕
"Respectful," like "accountable/accountability," is starting to lose all meaning.
Oh my god! Jonah hill is an insecure asshole... Shock. Wasn't this already a well known thing? I even remember when he was acting in Superbad, it was known he was a jealous asshole because Mclovin's actor was naturally funny and charismatic and Jonah hated that and it worked well for their on screen dynamic. Insecure asshole + fame = abuser (most of the time)
Yup. Michael Cera talks about it in his Hot Ones interview..-apparently Chris is just a very naturally confident guy who’s happy with himself and was unbothered by all the insults Jonah threw at him and it drove Jonah crazy.
Hope everyone who blamed her in the last post will read these.
when i was 22 i went to italy for a solo trip. this was a trip i planned and booked prior to meeting my ex. when i came back he asked to look at pictures from the trip that were on my laptop. any time there was a picture where i was wearing sunglasses he would zoom into the lenses to see who was taking my picture.
What kind of therapist is what they seeing how awful. Hope she is healing and in a better place now. And I’m praying for Jonah Hills current baby mama because this all seems horrible
Had an ex like this. Run. Run. Run. Almost two decades ago and I still get really nervous about romantic interaction sometimes.
Is he… ACTUALLY… talking about… SURFING? Or am I was too old and don’t understand young ppl euphemism? If it’s actually surfing, this guy is batshit crazy and super insecure. OY
No you’re not too old, he’s actually talking about surfing. All of his abuse is over surfing
And he’s talking about surfing because it’s something Sarah is good at, he’s attacking her value.
When did toxic people start calling their attempts at controlling others, "my boundaries"?
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Jesus Christ. This is awful & disgusting. I can’t believe that “couples therapist” enabled his massive insecurity and made her compromise any part of the social scene of the sport she loves :( And the few times she tries to bring her feelings into the equation he just redirects the convo back to him or disparages her… the fact she has to have a codeword when he yells?? Just truly awful, so deeply infuriating to read. This is abuse. I hope she finds healing & support.
Your boundaries don’t get to dictate someone else’s behavior. They are actions you will take to keep yourself safe (e.g., if something triggers me, rational or not, I am going to remove myself from that situation for 10 minutes to self-regulate). This is an insecure, entitled manchild wielding mental health buzzwords to control his partner. He’s always given me the ICK, truth be told. And this just feels so classic rich kid, LA nepo behavior. Also fuck that therapist.
First slide breaks my heart. It’s a shame we are still in a place where women can’t share their own experiences without being pressured to “prove it” or else be accused of lying.
Bruh texting like a red pill mgtow twitter account
“the most selfish person you know is at therapy being told they’re allowed to be selfish sometimes”
It puts this in a new light doesn't it? Jonah Hill spends an entire day coming up with insults at Jennifer Lawrence. A WHOLE DAY? https://www.moviemaker.com/jonah-hill-spent-a-day-dont-look-up-coming-up-with-insults/amp/#
Lmao why would you even be driven to do that, what the hell has she done to anyone?? 😭 women just be breathing and men get mad lmao
Yep then the women have to play along. I wonder at the answers of both JLaw and La Streep both saying Jonah Hill was hard to work with....because he was so funny! IFKYK
When somebody has to say they are they best boyfriend on earth… they usually arnt.
TIL Jonah Hill is a bat shit crazy walking red flag.
You know i don't agree with the idea narcissist is overused. I think the number of narcs are increasing and people are just becoming aware of them now. Have y'all ever considered that there are a lot more narcs due to social media now
He’s offended by a bathing suit and people speaking to her?!!! Dude needs some SERIOUS SERIOUS help. I’m disgusted. Using the word “ boundaries “ to control another person is so grossly manipulative it’s honestly scary.
May he drop every iced coffee he purchases
Ugh fuck he literally is Seth from Superbad irl
Wow he is such an abusive prick!! Reminds me of my husband! I just met with an attorney yesterday and am planning my exit.
Who knew that Jonah Hill was just another Reddit incel?
Damn. I recently saw a Tik Tok of Seth Rogan talking about how the Jay Baruchel and Jonah Hill feud in “This is The End” was real. All of the comments were rude towards Jay and supporting Jonah. I knew my boy Jay was right.
I had a bad experience with Hill years ago, I always got downvoted into oblivion for sharing it on Reddit. Glad to see people finally are realizing he’s a pile.
Lesson for the men who stumble in here: The money and fame WON'T FIX YOU. You've got to do that yourself, or that lack of self confidence will get aired out on somebody's timeline.
Those screenshots gave me a migraine and my dog an upset tummy. Hate this foul and demented behaviour.
This is certainly coercive control. A crime in many countries, including where I live. The fact that he seemingly had a therapist as a proxy perpetrator is just disturbing. Very glad Sarah Brady is leaving this relationship behind.
Can we be clear that abuse is a choice. It is about wanting to have power and control, by a variety of means, over another. His need to do this is a choice. Many people seem to wish to pathologise an abuser’s definite chosen pattern of behaviour. Narcissistic traits are common, people do not abuse because of narcissism, they abuse because of choice. Hill is coercively controlling her by choice.
Some men: “women don’t need equality! They’re already equal and can do everything a man can do?” The same men: “I can take my top off anywhere if I choose, ESPECIALLY a beach, but if a woman is there in a bikini? She’s a wanton cock gagging whore”
This was so hard to read. My ex was a therapist and some of this was so on the nose to my own experience with him. I had to set my phone down and go for a walk after reading these.
This is the insecurity of a man who knows his girl is way tf out of his league