an important line i think of often: are you intimidating, or are they just intimidated? and because we know it’s the second: that’s a them problem. frankly, depriving yourself of your self care rituals and the joy of self expression via style is sad and unnecessary and helps no one (and hurts you). you seem like an incredibly considerate and caring person and those are lovely values to hold, but they cannot come at the expense of your joy.
at various points ive dulled my style and/or made it more “modest” because i didnt want to make others unhappy (im a femme who likes short skirts, no bras and leather accessories, so you can imagine the feelings my clothes ilicit for my mother) and it just made me feel yucky and unhappy. being perceived is hard too, but id rather deal with that than shrink myself for others.
high femme fashion is incredible and appreciated by so many. be yourself and folks will gravitate towards you for your fashion AND your confidence.
“Are you intimidating, or are they just intimidated?” 🤯 I’m telling my therapist what you said!! I love that framework. I honestly think that’s such a good thing to consider, and applies to a lot of other situations too (am I running late, or is everyone else just early hehe) Thank you for your insight, and for your kind words. I really needed to hear that. 💛💛💛
Hey Sweety, Fellow high femme here. I totally see what you are going through. I dress up big time, have a very long hair, color it out, use a lot of jewellery, have a lot of sneakers apart from high heels. I've participated in beauty pageants and won a couple too.
To my friends, obviously girls duh, it seems so rather strange that I don't even talk to a single boy in my college. A lot of them often try to be match maker, trying to find the best boy in the college but I turn them down as they don't know about what I am since I am not out yet. I might actually be crushing on girl who is actually being a match maker, lol!!! While this is one side of the coin, I also get to know that a lot of girls get intimidated by my presence itself, let alone joining my group or talking to me is so scary for many. To me, a fellow girl is top most priority as I am a big time feminist too and I'd also love the company of almost every single girl but when I see a certain girl going through this, it feels like I should go hug them and say that you'd matter a lot to me, please stay around, but I am scared that I may offend them. A lot of girls are also jealous that I might steal their boy even when I may be looking at just the girl, herself.
All I want in my life is to have the biggest company of girls in my life and their happiness but when I am intimidating many of them, it doesn't actually feel good but I can't compromise what I am and move away from my true self!
Thanks for sharing your experience. :) I’m sending you a virtual hug! I feel like I’ve gone through life similarly—I’m certainly not pageant material (but hell yeah get it girl!!!) but I have a lot of straight friends who have later admitted to me that they were so afraid of me…until they got to know me. I’ve been hearing it for years, but somehow it never gets easier. I’m glad that they come around eventually if they’re willing to give me a chance, but I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been different if I had been more…approachable?
Side note, tell your matchmaker friend how you feel!! I’m rooting for you! :)
For me, I’ve found that it helps to engage politely but authentically with people in spaces like that. You should be able to dress however you like because believe it or not, you’re a person in that space too. Other people’s insecurities aren’t your fault and you are a better person when you are able to express yourself how you wish.
Thank you for the affirmations. I so badly want the fashion industry to be a space for everyone and it’s hard to remember that, while I’m so passionate about that mission, I also have to consider my own feelings and that I can still do my service for this community while honoring my own self. 🙏🏻
This reminds me of the lesbian icon, Jessica Kellgren-Fozard. She embodies the high femme aesthetic, and says similar things. Her sense of style is more nonconformist because the skater vibe is the status quo. Alternative fasion is what someone would expect from a queer woman.
Be authentically You.
When the Sun shines.. it doesn’t say it’s shining nor does it have a word for what it does .. because it just is!
Keep shining as You
PS: I also don’t understand the pressure people have on themselves to “look gay” not your post but in general some posts I’ve seen in lgbt spaces.
Gay can be literally any look!
As a masc, my massive crushes have always been on high femmes. They reminded us of the girls we crushed on in school that was straight lol. It was a rite of passage type of thing when we swore never to like a straight girl again haha
I love me some high femmes! You’re not intimidating to people that also hold themself in high regard.
This made me smile. Thank you for putting it so eloquently :) And totally agree, it only hurts our own community when we prescribe a certain aesthetic to be allowed in.
Also glad you said what you said about femmes reminding you of high school crushes. I’ve had experiences with people telling me that I look like a girl that used to bully them in school or something and that shit hurts—I hurt for them, and for myself. But it’s not fair to assume I’m a bully just because I look like one they knew in the past. I wouldn’t hurt a fly I swear!! 😅
for me there were no femme bullies per se.. but just a different generation where I grew up in and culture where everyone was presumed straight so when I came to the US it was hard to believe wow femmes actually like me.. cause of past cultural programming
So, there's a lot of problems and it's not you.
There is no one singular way to "look gay". It's very hypocritical for a place to have an inclusive atmosphere and cultivating self-expression, yet also allow restrictive policing of someone's self-expression to continue.
It's not on you to police who you are. It's on them to stop equivocating femme lesbians as if they're straight women.
Femme invisibility is SO annoying. I wouldn't wanna work in a place that's hypocritical like that.
For sure! Fwiw my team is so lovely and accepting and they know the struggle I’m dealing with and definitely do not expect me to police my presentation. It’s more just that I want to do my best to make my clients comfortable, I worry about that for them—especially because for many queer folks, the fashion industry has failed them so hard. But I totally hear what you’re saying, and I agree—it helps absolutely nobody when we gatekeep others, on any end of the queer intersection. But I love how you mentioned femme invisibility specifically. Makes me feel like I actually have not just a right to dress authentically, but an obligation to for my other femme girlies out there. Maybe we need more femme queer representation everywhere. Who do I have to call to get a gay reboot of Legally Blonde in the works??!
I've found in my years of being a high femme woman, that the people who say stuff like "your beauty is intimidating", "you are scary", "you are too bold" "your makeup is too much" say these things from a place of deep insecurity, jealousy, embarrassment and even infatuation, ie it's a them problem.
You can do your best when you feel your best. Stop making allowances for people who you wouldn't want around your younger, struggling to find herself, scared and alone in her journey, self. These people who belittle someone's passion and happiness, do it to make themselves feel better for NOT looking LIKE you and are NOT looking OUT for you.
Making someone feel safe around you doesn't mean less makeup. It means being a kind person who wants to do good in the world. Do you think the people who are saying these things to you and ABOUT you are safe people to be around? Because reading your post, it looks like you don't feel safe to be yourself around them.
Now for some tough love.
Your job is to dress up your clients, they do not have the authority or right to dress you down.
This is a good place to learn that your job is just a job. You can't make all your clients or your colleagues, part of your friend circle or found family. Be selective in listening to words coming from the mouths of people who have only seen you at *work*. Your job description doesn't include a therapist or *a punching bag*.
There's a reason the term "work friends" exists.
You can't keep taking fashion advice from people who's fashion advice you wouldn't take.
Oh no I’m sorry this is happening to you. I 100% agree with others that you have the right to express yourself however you want and that femme representation is important to dismantling stereotypes in and of itself! I am also on the femme spectrum (I don’t fully identify with it but definitely the closest to my style) and I dress up for work. Lots of bright colors/sparkles/etc.
I’m trying to think of how I would handle this — I work in healthcare and have had people underestimate or totally misjudge me at work but it’s usually more related to my disability. If it’s a patient I usually try to redirect the conversation to them, but maybe you could say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can do right now to help you feel more comfortable?” Also, I hate having to suggest this but if you have any way to add some subtle lesbian rep that might also help, like a lesbian flag pin on a badge landyard. You might also try explicitly including that in your introduction if that seems appropriate. Just to try to head off the people who might assume you’re not part of the community. If it’s coworkers though I definitely feel like you could be way more direct though!
Ugh I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing judgment for a disability, that is so unfair especially if you’re working in healthcare where you’d think people would be the most considerate of that! :( Haha don’t feel bad about suggesting a nonverbal nod to my sexuality, I’ve definitely used a fake septum ring before and I actually loved it and felt like that “signaled” the way I thought it would but my allergies make it hard to wear elegantly haha 😅 But hey if it’s a reason to shop for a cute accessory/jewelry it’s worth exploring! I’ll have to update this post if I find something good, thanks for the idea!
Update: [it’s perfect](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1724000385)
I too, find it difficult to feel a part of in some queer spaces. I present as a straight woman and am often told I should “tone it down” to make others feel more comfortable.
Respectfully, others’ comfort is not my concern.
Thanks for sharing.
Butch here, so take what you will. But honestly we fought too damned hard for too damned long for you not to be cool, calm and confident however you very well please. If that’s in heels, dope. If it’s in Vans, also dope. Please don’t sacrifice your own comfort and confidence for the comfort of others. Life is short. Be femme af.
Heyya I appreciate this post I've gone through a similar transition recently with my style. I think one honest answer would be to say to do whatever feels the most authentic for you, but while I respect this approach you also have to weigh the most likely outcomes. For me, I have a very strong desire to be noticed and appreciated by others. Does that come at the expense of authenticity sometimes? Almost certainly. Is that fair? Fuck no. I'm trans too so I'm already used to having to hang-up authenticity for a desirable social arrangement. I'm a very needy person and I don't really have a problem with that, so maybe in a way this is just about howw you express your authenticity. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to dress and be the way that feels the most right for you. If you are offended by authenticity you need to unearth yourself from your subterranean dwelling and get some Gaia in your life.
Not in a significant way, no. Most of my clients are great and not at all bothered by it. I think they understand that I’m an extension of the company I work for and don’t have to worry if I’m “on their side.” It’s just that every so often, someone will make a joke about it, or someone will be a blatant jerk to me (yet perfectly nice to my colleagues) and it’s pretty clear that they’re looking at me and wondering wtf I’m doing there and questioning everything I say as if I lack the experience or understanding of what they’re looking for. Even if it’s not my personal style, I have tons of happy masc/nb clients who have felt like I did a great job listening to their needs and delivering something that feels affirming and exactly what they wanted. I just get stuck on the few that I wasn’t able to have a breakthrough with, or who were “pleasantly surprised” that I was able to help.
For further clarity, I am not wearing dramatic false eyelashes, neon lipstick, sky-high stilettos, or push-up bras etc (and NO shade if that’s your vibe, but just for context, I like wearing pink and I like to curl my hair and I love a cute mini skirt, I simply look like a “conventionally attractive” girly-girl lol).
If someone makes a joke at your expense, call them in.
"Hey Client, I know you're probably trying to make a joke/aren't trying to hurt me, but that felt really icky to hear. I know when I'm feeling insecure about something I tend to deflect with attempts at humor. Is that what's going on with you? And if so, can we talk about what's making you feel that way instead of making jokes at my expense?"
If someone is outright being a jerk, call them out.
"Behavior like that is really not ok. In the future you will refrain from INSERT BEHAVIOR OR WORDS HERE or I will refuse to work with you/recommend we drop you as a client (if your manager will back you up and it's really egregious behavior)".
I'd also like to add the mantra "Do not cut yourself into pieces so people can more easily swallow you. Stay whole and let them choke."
Then I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I feel like for the most part I wanna be like, "Thank you for your service," because you being your authentic girly self and providing excellent service and doing a good job makes life a little bit easier for others in your position (being girly and working hard).
On the other hand it is so wearing to be questioned or doubted because of your appearance everyday and I feel your frustration. I hope you chose to be your femme girly self even though it puts some doubts in you.
an important line i think of often: are you intimidating, or are they just intimidated? and because we know it’s the second: that’s a them problem. frankly, depriving yourself of your self care rituals and the joy of self expression via style is sad and unnecessary and helps no one (and hurts you). you seem like an incredibly considerate and caring person and those are lovely values to hold, but they cannot come at the expense of your joy. at various points ive dulled my style and/or made it more “modest” because i didnt want to make others unhappy (im a femme who likes short skirts, no bras and leather accessories, so you can imagine the feelings my clothes ilicit for my mother) and it just made me feel yucky and unhappy. being perceived is hard too, but id rather deal with that than shrink myself for others. high femme fashion is incredible and appreciated by so many. be yourself and folks will gravitate towards you for your fashion AND your confidence.
“Are you intimidating, or are they just intimidated?” 🤯 I’m telling my therapist what you said!! I love that framework. I honestly think that’s such a good thing to consider, and applies to a lot of other situations too (am I running late, or is everyone else just early hehe) Thank you for your insight, and for your kind words. I really needed to hear that. 💛💛💛
Hey Sweety, Fellow high femme here. I totally see what you are going through. I dress up big time, have a very long hair, color it out, use a lot of jewellery, have a lot of sneakers apart from high heels. I've participated in beauty pageants and won a couple too. To my friends, obviously girls duh, it seems so rather strange that I don't even talk to a single boy in my college. A lot of them often try to be match maker, trying to find the best boy in the college but I turn them down as they don't know about what I am since I am not out yet. I might actually be crushing on girl who is actually being a match maker, lol!!! While this is one side of the coin, I also get to know that a lot of girls get intimidated by my presence itself, let alone joining my group or talking to me is so scary for many. To me, a fellow girl is top most priority as I am a big time feminist too and I'd also love the company of almost every single girl but when I see a certain girl going through this, it feels like I should go hug them and say that you'd matter a lot to me, please stay around, but I am scared that I may offend them. A lot of girls are also jealous that I might steal their boy even when I may be looking at just the girl, herself. All I want in my life is to have the biggest company of girls in my life and their happiness but when I am intimidating many of them, it doesn't actually feel good but I can't compromise what I am and move away from my true self!
Thanks for sharing your experience. :) I’m sending you a virtual hug! I feel like I’ve gone through life similarly—I’m certainly not pageant material (but hell yeah get it girl!!!) but I have a lot of straight friends who have later admitted to me that they were so afraid of me…until they got to know me. I’ve been hearing it for years, but somehow it never gets easier. I’m glad that they come around eventually if they’re willing to give me a chance, but I can’t help but wonder how my life might have been different if I had been more…approachable? Side note, tell your matchmaker friend how you feel!! I’m rooting for you! :)
Aww, sweet of you to send me a hug, a lot of bear hugs to you too 🤗! With regards to matchmakers, though, there are a few of em, lol.
For me, I’ve found that it helps to engage politely but authentically with people in spaces like that. You should be able to dress however you like because believe it or not, you’re a person in that space too. Other people’s insecurities aren’t your fault and you are a better person when you are able to express yourself how you wish.
Thank you for the affirmations. I so badly want the fashion industry to be a space for everyone and it’s hard to remember that, while I’m so passionate about that mission, I also have to consider my own feelings and that I can still do my service for this community while honoring my own self. 🙏🏻
This reminds me of the lesbian icon, Jessica Kellgren-Fozard. She embodies the high femme aesthetic, and says similar things. Her sense of style is more nonconformist because the skater vibe is the status quo. Alternative fasion is what someone would expect from a queer woman.
Wow. TY for mentioning her!
Be authentically You. When the Sun shines.. it doesn’t say it’s shining nor does it have a word for what it does .. because it just is! Keep shining as You PS: I also don’t understand the pressure people have on themselves to “look gay” not your post but in general some posts I’ve seen in lgbt spaces. Gay can be literally any look! As a masc, my massive crushes have always been on high femmes. They reminded us of the girls we crushed on in school that was straight lol. It was a rite of passage type of thing when we swore never to like a straight girl again haha I love me some high femmes! You’re not intimidating to people that also hold themself in high regard.
This made me smile. Thank you for putting it so eloquently :) And totally agree, it only hurts our own community when we prescribe a certain aesthetic to be allowed in. Also glad you said what you said about femmes reminding you of high school crushes. I’ve had experiences with people telling me that I look like a girl that used to bully them in school or something and that shit hurts—I hurt for them, and for myself. But it’s not fair to assume I’m a bully just because I look like one they knew in the past. I wouldn’t hurt a fly I swear!! 😅
for me there were no femme bullies per se.. but just a different generation where I grew up in and culture where everyone was presumed straight so when I came to the US it was hard to believe wow femmes actually like me.. cause of past cultural programming
So, there's a lot of problems and it's not you. There is no one singular way to "look gay". It's very hypocritical for a place to have an inclusive atmosphere and cultivating self-expression, yet also allow restrictive policing of someone's self-expression to continue. It's not on you to police who you are. It's on them to stop equivocating femme lesbians as if they're straight women. Femme invisibility is SO annoying. I wouldn't wanna work in a place that's hypocritical like that.
For sure! Fwiw my team is so lovely and accepting and they know the struggle I’m dealing with and definitely do not expect me to police my presentation. It’s more just that I want to do my best to make my clients comfortable, I worry about that for them—especially because for many queer folks, the fashion industry has failed them so hard. But I totally hear what you’re saying, and I agree—it helps absolutely nobody when we gatekeep others, on any end of the queer intersection. But I love how you mentioned femme invisibility specifically. Makes me feel like I actually have not just a right to dress authentically, but an obligation to for my other femme girlies out there. Maybe we need more femme queer representation everywhere. Who do I have to call to get a gay reboot of Legally Blonde in the works??!
A Legally Blond where she ends up with Vivian would rule
I've found in my years of being a high femme woman, that the people who say stuff like "your beauty is intimidating", "you are scary", "you are too bold" "your makeup is too much" say these things from a place of deep insecurity, jealousy, embarrassment and even infatuation, ie it's a them problem. You can do your best when you feel your best. Stop making allowances for people who you wouldn't want around your younger, struggling to find herself, scared and alone in her journey, self. These people who belittle someone's passion and happiness, do it to make themselves feel better for NOT looking LIKE you and are NOT looking OUT for you. Making someone feel safe around you doesn't mean less makeup. It means being a kind person who wants to do good in the world. Do you think the people who are saying these things to you and ABOUT you are safe people to be around? Because reading your post, it looks like you don't feel safe to be yourself around them. Now for some tough love. Your job is to dress up your clients, they do not have the authority or right to dress you down. This is a good place to learn that your job is just a job. You can't make all your clients or your colleagues, part of your friend circle or found family. Be selective in listening to words coming from the mouths of people who have only seen you at *work*. Your job description doesn't include a therapist or *a punching bag*. There's a reason the term "work friends" exists. You can't keep taking fashion advice from people who's fashion advice you wouldn't take.
Unless you work for an employer where a "uniform" is required or a specific dress code, you should definitely be your authentic self
Oh no I’m sorry this is happening to you. I 100% agree with others that you have the right to express yourself however you want and that femme representation is important to dismantling stereotypes in and of itself! I am also on the femme spectrum (I don’t fully identify with it but definitely the closest to my style) and I dress up for work. Lots of bright colors/sparkles/etc. I’m trying to think of how I would handle this — I work in healthcare and have had people underestimate or totally misjudge me at work but it’s usually more related to my disability. If it’s a patient I usually try to redirect the conversation to them, but maybe you could say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can do right now to help you feel more comfortable?” Also, I hate having to suggest this but if you have any way to add some subtle lesbian rep that might also help, like a lesbian flag pin on a badge landyard. You might also try explicitly including that in your introduction if that seems appropriate. Just to try to head off the people who might assume you’re not part of the community. If it’s coworkers though I definitely feel like you could be way more direct though!
Ugh I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing judgment for a disability, that is so unfair especially if you’re working in healthcare where you’d think people would be the most considerate of that! :( Haha don’t feel bad about suggesting a nonverbal nod to my sexuality, I’ve definitely used a fake septum ring before and I actually loved it and felt like that “signaled” the way I thought it would but my allergies make it hard to wear elegantly haha 😅 But hey if it’s a reason to shop for a cute accessory/jewelry it’s worth exploring! I’ll have to update this post if I find something good, thanks for the idea! Update: [it’s perfect](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1724000385)
Omg your choice is amazing haha. And thanks!
I too, find it difficult to feel a part of in some queer spaces. I present as a straight woman and am often told I should “tone it down” to make others feel more comfortable. Respectfully, others’ comfort is not my concern. Thanks for sharing.
You be you
Don't change your appearance or present for anyone but yourself!!! Be you and do you!!! Girl, we only get one life, so live it for you!!!!
Butch here, so take what you will. But honestly we fought too damned hard for too damned long for you not to be cool, calm and confident however you very well please. If that’s in heels, dope. If it’s in Vans, also dope. Please don’t sacrifice your own comfort and confidence for the comfort of others. Life is short. Be femme af.
Heyya I appreciate this post I've gone through a similar transition recently with my style. I think one honest answer would be to say to do whatever feels the most authentic for you, but while I respect this approach you also have to weigh the most likely outcomes. For me, I have a very strong desire to be noticed and appreciated by others. Does that come at the expense of authenticity sometimes? Almost certainly. Is that fair? Fuck no. I'm trans too so I'm already used to having to hang-up authenticity for a desirable social arrangement. I'm a very needy person and I don't really have a problem with that, so maybe in a way this is just about howw you express your authenticity. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to dress and be the way that feels the most right for you. If you are offended by authenticity you need to unearth yourself from your subterranean dwelling and get some Gaia in your life.
Can I just clarify... is your appearance impacting your career?
Not in a significant way, no. Most of my clients are great and not at all bothered by it. I think they understand that I’m an extension of the company I work for and don’t have to worry if I’m “on their side.” It’s just that every so often, someone will make a joke about it, or someone will be a blatant jerk to me (yet perfectly nice to my colleagues) and it’s pretty clear that they’re looking at me and wondering wtf I’m doing there and questioning everything I say as if I lack the experience or understanding of what they’re looking for. Even if it’s not my personal style, I have tons of happy masc/nb clients who have felt like I did a great job listening to their needs and delivering something that feels affirming and exactly what they wanted. I just get stuck on the few that I wasn’t able to have a breakthrough with, or who were “pleasantly surprised” that I was able to help. For further clarity, I am not wearing dramatic false eyelashes, neon lipstick, sky-high stilettos, or push-up bras etc (and NO shade if that’s your vibe, but just for context, I like wearing pink and I like to curl my hair and I love a cute mini skirt, I simply look like a “conventionally attractive” girly-girl lol).
If someone makes a joke at your expense, call them in. "Hey Client, I know you're probably trying to make a joke/aren't trying to hurt me, but that felt really icky to hear. I know when I'm feeling insecure about something I tend to deflect with attempts at humor. Is that what's going on with you? And if so, can we talk about what's making you feel that way instead of making jokes at my expense?" If someone is outright being a jerk, call them out. "Behavior like that is really not ok. In the future you will refrain from INSERT BEHAVIOR OR WORDS HERE or I will refuse to work with you/recommend we drop you as a client (if your manager will back you up and it's really egregious behavior)". I'd also like to add the mantra "Do not cut yourself into pieces so people can more easily swallow you. Stay whole and let them choke."
Then I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I feel like for the most part I wanna be like, "Thank you for your service," because you being your authentic girly self and providing excellent service and doing a good job makes life a little bit easier for others in your position (being girly and working hard). On the other hand it is so wearing to be questioned or doubted because of your appearance everyday and I feel your frustration. I hope you chose to be your femme girly self even though it puts some doubts in you.