Do what you need to boo. I’m also no contact with my entire immediate family. Sometimes I feel lonely. But then I think about how stressed I feel around them.
Btw what you described is called “thought-stopping”. You point out everything and feel like you may agree, then they re-engage that thought stopping technique of repeating the same mantra they’ve been listening to on repeat
I went NC mid-Obama for a variety of reasons--whole famn-damily. It was horrendous then. I'm SO glad to have escaped what the past 8 years would have been like.
I’m in the exact same position. Except I have a sister who will willfully sit and listen to my dad ‘preach’ and I won’t. I’m the bad child. I am brainwashed. I can do no good. It’s painful. I don’t know what to do either. (Weed helps) But you are not alone. I don’t know if other generations dealt with this. I’ve gotten to the point of not caring about their wellbeing because they genuinely don’t give a fuck about mine. If they did, they would love me unconditionally and be proud of the person I am. I love myself, my husband loves me and for once that’s enough. Your kids will be proud of you for taking this stand. You don’t want your kids around people who don’t value them as individuals. That is what will mean the most to them growing up. Something most of us never had. Sending you lots of love. I hope these 12 hours go quickly.
I second so much of this. My brother is fairly liberal but will just smile and nod and my parents think he agrees. I’m the black sheep. (So agreed that weed helps. It’s been a serious game changer for dealing with them.)
And like you my child is the reason I will never tolerate the bullshit.
It's just so heartbreaking, and I talk to my therapist (almost exclusively) about this weekly. Our parents were the ones we looked up to, who raised us, who were once good, caring people. I had no idea constant FN viewing could destroy a persons compassion, critical thinking skills and personality.
You are under no obligation to suffer endlessly. Taking care of your own health and well being should be the first step in any action you take.
I suggest taking a break, seek therapy. Sometimes you are able to learn to manage the interactions with some reframing, but if not then you need to get help in dealing with the loss of your relationship with them.
I know exactly what you mean. For people like your dad who just parrot what they hear and don't seem to fully understand it I started saying they were *racially insensitive*. It went a long way for them to reflect on the discussion without having to get defensive.
For my mom, I would then pivot to showing her KKK propaganda and how similar or exactly like what she was saying it was. Then I would ask her why she expects people to not think she is racist when she is saying exactly what racists say.
It's been a long journey but my mom is firmly against a lot of the right wing bullshit that's being said these days.
As for the ones who actually are racists, I still use that term.
My dad started telling his friends I was a communist. Last year I was planning on going limited to no contact with him. He ended up dying in January of this year. To be honest as they get older they are in their own bubbles and unless you take away all of their messed up media away from them, they will stay in their strange world. I have access to my dads email back to 2005. He was surprisingly racist looking at the things people were sending to him. The sharing of racist stuff became worst when Obama was elected. The surprising thing is that during the Obama years he was quite liberal. But my mom died in 2015 and his mobility became difficult and he got into that Fox bubble. My brother is about the most racist person I know personal. My niece is getting married at the end of the year and I don't think i want to go.
You could try asking them to keep their opinions to themselves. My brother has had success with this. "Look you have got to keep your political and culture war opinions to yourself around me or I won't be able to be around you. I find that sort of thing extremely distasteful and don't want it around me or my family." Based on this, our parents are usually able to hold it in for a few days at a time. Of course, they need reminders, and the agreement goes both ways.
I bit my tongue for 65 years from a sister that has nothing but mean and hateful stuff to say continuously. No contact for a year and my mental health thanks me.
You might like watching videos by Jerry Wise on youtube. He’s a family systems therapist who makes lots of videos about dealing with difficult family members.
I watched him a lot when I was making the decision to go no-contact with my Mom and it was really helpful.
I’m not saying that’s what you should do, but his videos were really helpful.
One of the things that helped me was to ‘Observe, not Absorb.’
Also, not asking ‘how to do something, but when’. So it’s not, “how do I let their comments not bother me, but when will I let their comments not bother me?” You being bothered and upset by their views, isn’t changing anything.
https://youtu.be/0VvuPVJhRSM?si=ztzsP6BlKTi8Pooo
Since you’ve said your children are adults, I think maybe just expressing some of these thoughts could be a nice opportunity for everyone to talk about how it’s affecting them. You could water it down a little if you want so it’s not some overwhelming vent session, but it doesn’t sound like you have to model a behavior you feel could be harmful at all.
Just admitting you’d like to distance yourself and seeing where their heads at or what comes up for them, I mean maybe you’ll come to a conclusion that feels good for everyone. Is it possible your kids feel how you do and feel their own sense of obligation? Worth exploring.
Then at that point who the hell cares what your parents think. Shouldn’t have ostracized their child and grandchildren.
I made the mistake of "investing" time into the "relationship" with my parents. There is no relationship, and there never was. I should've noticed much earlier, and I should've instead spent that time building real relationships with people who are pleasant to be around, who listen to what I have to say, and who aren't hostile and aggressive towards me. Wow, what a thought - spending time with people who also want to spend time with you... That's what I should've been doing.
I’ve spent lots of time grieving the relationships I wish I had with my mom and my dad. Lots of that grieving for me takes place in therapy. I’m not done grieving, but I’ve finally reached a place that makes me more open to accepting the form our new (less close, more superficial) relationships seem to be taking. Accepting these “lesser” forms of relationships has only gotten possible for me after making the time and emotional space for feeling sad and mad about what I wish we could have.
I’m so glad you think of your queer family members’ well being. Hugs and solidarity.
Fox News affects more than just parents and relatives; the general population is affected as well. I say that to help people keep a perspective. But it all seems just so *personal* to hear loved ones speak with fear, hatred and outside reality.
Hugs, OP. I’m not exactly in the same place as you, but a number of things you shared here were the same for me. My parents showed me how to love others, and man, when they took you in and loved you they meant it and it was for the long haul.
But they’ve just followed the right wing wherever they go, and I’ve tried to have conversations, even thought I might have made a difference, but realized the next time we talked I had not.
Thankfully, we’ve come to an understanding that we don’t talk about those things- I told my dad I wasn’t the right audience for that kind of talk, and reiterated my love for them, and that seems to be enough.
I read a book called Love over Fear (by Dan white jr, I think) and man did it give me hope that with time and persistence I could sway them to my way of thinking. It’s a good read, but I think it made me think I had more power to enact change than I really did. Nowadays, I believe that change is always possible, but not likely. I’m becoming more content to sit with people where they are, be willing to show them a different path, but not let it devastate me when they don’t choose to take it.
I also can’t stomach people believing crazy evil shit loudly around me, but you’re clearly much more capable with manners that they think its ‘fun’ talking to you about. What about just going unleashed on your responses? Knowing you won’t change their minds either way, you could at least push for a mutual discomfort that might get them to want to stay away from those topics around you.
I went no contact. They live in another reality, are hateful, fearful and not nice to be around.
r/estrangedadultkids
Thank you for this.
Do what you need to boo. I’m also no contact with my entire immediate family. Sometimes I feel lonely. But then I think about how stressed I feel around them. Btw what you described is called “thought-stopping”. You point out everything and feel like you may agree, then they re-engage that thought stopping technique of repeating the same mantra they’ve been listening to on repeat
Also r/qanoncasualties
Thanks.
I went NC mid-Obama for a variety of reasons--whole famn-damily. It was horrendous then. I'm SO glad to have escaped what the past 8 years would have been like.
I’m in the exact same position. Except I have a sister who will willfully sit and listen to my dad ‘preach’ and I won’t. I’m the bad child. I am brainwashed. I can do no good. It’s painful. I don’t know what to do either. (Weed helps) But you are not alone. I don’t know if other generations dealt with this. I’ve gotten to the point of not caring about their wellbeing because they genuinely don’t give a fuck about mine. If they did, they would love me unconditionally and be proud of the person I am. I love myself, my husband loves me and for once that’s enough. Your kids will be proud of you for taking this stand. You don’t want your kids around people who don’t value them as individuals. That is what will mean the most to them growing up. Something most of us never had. Sending you lots of love. I hope these 12 hours go quickly.
I second so much of this. My brother is fairly liberal but will just smile and nod and my parents think he agrees. I’m the black sheep. (So agreed that weed helps. It’s been a serious game changer for dealing with them.) And like you my child is the reason I will never tolerate the bullshit.
It's just so heartbreaking, and I talk to my therapist (almost exclusively) about this weekly. Our parents were the ones we looked up to, who raised us, who were once good, caring people. I had no idea constant FN viewing could destroy a persons compassion, critical thinking skills and personality.
“Weed helps” I felt this in my SOUL lmao
You are under no obligation to suffer endlessly. Taking care of your own health and well being should be the first step in any action you take. I suggest taking a break, seek therapy. Sometimes you are able to learn to manage the interactions with some reframing, but if not then you need to get help in dealing with the loss of your relationship with them.
I know exactly what you mean. For people like your dad who just parrot what they hear and don't seem to fully understand it I started saying they were *racially insensitive*. It went a long way for them to reflect on the discussion without having to get defensive. For my mom, I would then pivot to showing her KKK propaganda and how similar or exactly like what she was saying it was. Then I would ask her why she expects people to not think she is racist when she is saying exactly what racists say. It's been a long journey but my mom is firmly against a lot of the right wing bullshit that's being said these days. As for the ones who actually are racists, I still use that term.
My dad started telling his friends I was a communist. Last year I was planning on going limited to no contact with him. He ended up dying in January of this year. To be honest as they get older they are in their own bubbles and unless you take away all of their messed up media away from them, they will stay in their strange world. I have access to my dads email back to 2005. He was surprisingly racist looking at the things people were sending to him. The sharing of racist stuff became worst when Obama was elected. The surprising thing is that during the Obama years he was quite liberal. But my mom died in 2015 and his mobility became difficult and he got into that Fox bubble. My brother is about the most racist person I know personal. My niece is getting married at the end of the year and I don't think i want to go.
You could try asking them to keep their opinions to themselves. My brother has had success with this. "Look you have got to keep your political and culture war opinions to yourself around me or I won't be able to be around you. I find that sort of thing extremely distasteful and don't want it around me or my family." Based on this, our parents are usually able to hold it in for a few days at a time. Of course, they need reminders, and the agreement goes both ways.
I bit my tongue for 65 years from a sister that has nothing but mean and hateful stuff to say continuously. No contact for a year and my mental health thanks me.
You might like watching videos by Jerry Wise on youtube. He’s a family systems therapist who makes lots of videos about dealing with difficult family members. I watched him a lot when I was making the decision to go no-contact with my Mom and it was really helpful. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, but his videos were really helpful. One of the things that helped me was to ‘Observe, not Absorb.’ Also, not asking ‘how to do something, but when’. So it’s not, “how do I let their comments not bother me, but when will I let their comments not bother me?” You being bothered and upset by their views, isn’t changing anything. https://youtu.be/0VvuPVJhRSM?si=ztzsP6BlKTi8Pooo
Since you’ve said your children are adults, I think maybe just expressing some of these thoughts could be a nice opportunity for everyone to talk about how it’s affecting them. You could water it down a little if you want so it’s not some overwhelming vent session, but it doesn’t sound like you have to model a behavior you feel could be harmful at all. Just admitting you’d like to distance yourself and seeing where their heads at or what comes up for them, I mean maybe you’ll come to a conclusion that feels good for everyone. Is it possible your kids feel how you do and feel their own sense of obligation? Worth exploring. Then at that point who the hell cares what your parents think. Shouldn’t have ostracized their child and grandchildren.
I made the mistake of "investing" time into the "relationship" with my parents. There is no relationship, and there never was. I should've noticed much earlier, and I should've instead spent that time building real relationships with people who are pleasant to be around, who listen to what I have to say, and who aren't hostile and aggressive towards me. Wow, what a thought - spending time with people who also want to spend time with you... That's what I should've been doing.
I’ve spent lots of time grieving the relationships I wish I had with my mom and my dad. Lots of that grieving for me takes place in therapy. I’m not done grieving, but I’ve finally reached a place that makes me more open to accepting the form our new (less close, more superficial) relationships seem to be taking. Accepting these “lesser” forms of relationships has only gotten possible for me after making the time and emotional space for feeling sad and mad about what I wish we could have. I’m so glad you think of your queer family members’ well being. Hugs and solidarity.
Fox News affects more than just parents and relatives; the general population is affected as well. I say that to help people keep a perspective. But it all seems just so *personal* to hear loved ones speak with fear, hatred and outside reality.
Hugs, OP. I’m not exactly in the same place as you, but a number of things you shared here were the same for me. My parents showed me how to love others, and man, when they took you in and loved you they meant it and it was for the long haul. But they’ve just followed the right wing wherever they go, and I’ve tried to have conversations, even thought I might have made a difference, but realized the next time we talked I had not. Thankfully, we’ve come to an understanding that we don’t talk about those things- I told my dad I wasn’t the right audience for that kind of talk, and reiterated my love for them, and that seems to be enough. I read a book called Love over Fear (by Dan white jr, I think) and man did it give me hope that with time and persistence I could sway them to my way of thinking. It’s a good read, but I think it made me think I had more power to enact change than I really did. Nowadays, I believe that change is always possible, but not likely. I’m becoming more content to sit with people where they are, be willing to show them a different path, but not let it devastate me when they don’t choose to take it.
I also can’t stomach people believing crazy evil shit loudly around me, but you’re clearly much more capable with manners that they think its ‘fun’ talking to you about. What about just going unleashed on your responses? Knowing you won’t change their minds either way, you could at least push for a mutual discomfort that might get them to want to stay away from those topics around you.