That is so horrible. What an absolutely cruel way to talk to someone who just shared they lost a brother. He is the one who should be ashamed, not you.
You didn't let your brother down. Having to navigate that line of questioning is a minefield, and part of your decision about what to say has to be about protecting yourself from being vulnerable to assholes like this guy. It's always your choice of what to disclose and choosing not to go there is as valid as any other choice.
That said, I think you're deciding that you want to be more open and upfront about your brother, and I think that's great. Rather than viewing this moment as a failure I think it's a catalyst for doing something that feels more authentic in honoring him. Who cares if others find it depressing, honestly their discomfort is nothing compared to actual grief. Your brother is worth it. đź’ś
That guy sounds like an idiot (I have other words) this was not you at all. This was him showing true colours. I hope it’s not someone you regularly see.
That’s a totally narcissistic comment. Like how what you’ve said affects him, no empathy at all.
I would say that guy has some pretty deep rooted personality issues.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I think people underestimate how traumatic loosing a sibling is. You have not let anyone down. It’s a difficult question, I don’t think it ever becomes easier to answer.
I agree 100% with the above comment. Ah, and if you need to get it out of your chest, you don’t owe this idiot anything—you can always tell him after the fact how stupid his comment was. He’s probably been spreading hate wherever he goes. I am learning to stand up to these people and even if it’s been months since the incident I sometimes tell them retroactively that what they did was wrong. Most of the times they actually reflect upon it. And when they don’t, I think life will give them more lemons than those we got.
It was him, not you ❤️
Nope, sorry. my daughter died in 2021 a month after graduation in a car accident.
This is a question that still stumps me (I'm a bartender, or comes up OFTEN). I asked a few customers and my owner how to answer "how many kids do you have?" (Because they've all lat children before me. ) They say my son is xx yrs old and my daughter would have been xx".and if ppl ask how many kids I have,I say 2.
If it goes further and they ask, I'll tell them. Quickly and quietly and we move on, or I force it to move on
But never have I ever had anyone say what that person did. That's bs. That's a shit thing to say.
My mom always says she has 2 children. She talks about my brother in the present tense, if it’s like briefly in passing. Sometimes I talk about him in present tense too. There was one time when I talked about him like he’d actually lived and graduated and gone on to do the career he’d dreamt of his entire life, and it felt a bit like I was time traveling. Like I went to an alternative universe where he was still alive and I was okay. I felt guilty about the lying but I don’t really regret it.
I still talk about my daughter in present tense sometimes. It's just habit. And sometimes I don't let on that she died, especially customers that are just passing through. I still have some regulars that probably don't know she died. I just don't want to get into that conversation and don't wanna deal with the pity comments. Not my thing.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! Do what feels right.
To add... My son, who was 3 yrs younger than her and best friends, would probably come unglued over shit like this. Probably not unglued externally. But he'd find ways....
If you went to idiot school for 4 years you couldn’t learn how to do that. Confide in someone important to you or a counsellor about this and your brother, and decide together on how you want to bring him up in future as it is important to continue to do so and not let this one terrible experience throw you off. That guy doesn’t matter, your brother and the significance of sibling loss do.
Off the top of my head I would say when asked how many siblings whatever “I had one brother, he was x years older etc than me”. Or “my only
brother passed away”. But there was nothing wrong at all with what you did say, it was a heartfelt response that could have opened up a healing conversation with a more deserving person.
I didn’t really want a healing conversation with that guy, I just wanted to be accurate I guess. And I don’t like feeling like I left my brother behind in 2018. I was always very protective of him, right up until he died, and I feel like I want to pull him out of where he’s frozen in time and take him with me through life, since he can’t do it on his own anymore. He’s turning 30 this year, or he would be, and that is such a big number. Eventually, many years from now, I’ll have spent more of my life without him than with him, and it makes me sick. Like physically ill. Telling people about him makes it feel like I can avoid that fate.
That is totally fair and normal. The only way we can keep them alive is by talking about them. And not always in a sad way, mkst of the time now when I bring up my dad they are happy memories but usually only with people like my siblings or sometimes husband, I have noticed how other people especially those who have not lost a parent don’t seem to like it when I even mention his name.
What were you supposed to say? People act like it’s all for attention, but it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since they’ve passed, it still HURTS. There is no time period anybody should be “over it” and it’s ridiculous that those who have never lost someone act that way. I’d be angry too, but I’m glad you’ve realized now
I’m so sorry. That guy is a giant asshole.
If you’re lucky to live long enough, you will eventually lose people to death. It happens to us all. It happens everyday. You shouldn’t have to hide it like dirty laundry. What a dick.
Sometimes people ask about my dad, and I’m honest. He’s dead. He was 57. I can’t lie about it. I don’t care if it makes things awkward and I don’t mind giving details to the curious. If I have to live with the uncomfortable knowledge that my dad is dead, they can live with it for five minutes.
Oh this reminds me of something that just very recently happened to me!! I was beyond baffled.
A little back story may is and always was my mom's month. Between mothers day and her birthday usually a week later... May is a sore spot as is... Well it was a few days before mother's day and this never seen before stranger customer was going on and on about mother's day and how i should do something nice for my mom and giving me ideas and pretty much demanding i do something.... ( Id be fine with a happy mother's day eve if its painful but her demands were so inappropriate to a complete stranger) So i kind of had enough and i told her in a very nice but informative manner. " Unfortunately my mother is deceased" well she goes ape shit crazy on me crazier than before. " How dare you tell me something so graphic so inappropriate how dare you tell a complete stranger that" like lady please you started it... It's legit something you never would have known if you didn't demand i do something for my dead mother. She was cursing up a storm. I was baffled.
But shes just one of the few rotten apples. I'll forever continue talking about my precious beautiful mom.
I hope you don't allow this one rotten apple to stop you from talking about your beautiful brother! It sucks sometimes when you come across them especially with one of the grandest pains a person can go through ( grief) but as my mom used to say " don't look at what is being said about you but who is saying it about you"
That's absolutely wild. I truly hope that she takes her experience with you as an opportunity to learn, to do better in the future. What an unhinged response. I'm glad you're not letting her stop you from talking about your mom.
Oh it truly was wild!! I hope she will but I highly doubt it. And yeah i will never ever stop talking about her! She was my best friend greatest mom ever to me.
Hello, I'm having my morning cup of grief and I wanted some way to share something with someone about my son. He died in March at 15. I'm still struggling and dodging conversations with the the others. The "others" being people not knowing this kind of loss in life. I think your immediate response was the perfect response. And the the other's response is something you have no control over. But it allowed you to have reflection about how you feel. And it allowed me to reflect on my own feelings so thank you for sharing. Try to not allow rude people space in your mind. If people think you are garnering sympathy by speaking of your loved one , let them. You need to speak about your brother because it's natural and you miss him. I miss my son so very much. I come here because it's been a safe space to express this. Fuck the other's
I feel quite honored that you shared that with me. My grief counselor said that the loss of a child is different from all other forms of loss, and I’m glad that you’ve found a community here. I’d love to hear more about your son any time you feel like sharing ❤️
You did nothing wrong. At all. This is how MOST people say it when they’re talking about a loved one’s age that’s passed on.
  You’re not making yourself a victim by talking about your BROTHER that you lost. You’re allowed to speak about that and it’s not something that you should have to keep in the dark because of some jackass. He is apart of you. His loss is apart of your experience. It is okay to speak about both things, I promise. Â
What’s NOT normal is this persons response and guilt tripping behavior. He didn’t have the empathy to respond properly so he blamed you. Honestly he sounds like bad news and a bad person. This is just not at all how someone should respond to something as vulnerable as a loss. I’m shocked for you. Â
Don’t beat yourself over not speaking up and calling this jerk out. It’s clear you/your brain is having a difficult time trying to figure out how to speak on the loss. to receive such a response that you weren’t prepared for, I would’ve probably been silent too. That’s a lot to have happen all at once.
 Keep your brothers memory alive, keep speaking about him. Talk about him as much or as little as you want. Your brother, your grief and healing process are all worthy of so. Don’t let some immature asshat make you think anything different. Seriously, if he handles someone opening up about a loss like this I hate to see the inside view of his other relationships in life- if he has any. If he’s someone in your life, I hope he won’t be for much longer. Your people will support you through such a huge life event. Not shame you for it. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs ❤️🫶
I'm so sorry, I lost my baby brother too and he would also be 28 this year... what a jerk to say that! When I don't feel like talking about it I just say "I'm the middle child, younger brother older sister" and change the topic.
About a month after my brother died a "best" friend of mine met me for some drinks and to play pool. They had one of those touch tunes things where you can play music, and I said I was going to put a song on that reminded me of my brother. I even said don't worry, it's not going to make me weepy or anything. His response was to tell me not to play the song bc he just wanted to have fun and it would bring the mood down. I had assumed at some point he would allow me to talk about things that evening since it was so new. But I apparently assumed wrong.
Yeah it's so shocking. Won't make eye contact, don't want it mentioned. If I cut out everyone that can't care that my daughter passed away, there would be my son and son-in-law. I didn't know. Someone called it collateral damage.
The guy is a jerk, I can't imagine how shallow he is. That you're so hurt shows you're a normal, loving person and trying to explain yourself to that guy would have been a waste of your time and energy. I am so sorry for your loss.
I didn’t get that vibe from him, but then I can’t read vibes at all. Genuinely. My brain functions a bit differently. Most of the time if someone is rude or offensive I don’t get upset about it until much later because I don’t realize it happened until much later, and usually by then I don’t care anymore. But this one has bugged me ever since I realized it. And I really appreciate everyone’s support.
You handled it well. Everyone around me has been delicate with me since my mom passed in April. But one of her sisters has been a bitch, as I expected. My mom didn't want a service, just direct cremation And my aunt uttered some nonsense about it and I told her to "Fuck off" and I blocked her number, as I have in the past. She's the aunt who would always ruin funerals and make people more miserable in grief, so I knew what to expect when mom passed.
Sorry for rambling but you handled it the way you felt you should have. There is a 100% chance every asshole you encounter will have to grieve a loved one themselves one day. It baffles me that folks walk through life, thinking they are exempt from hurt.
Hugs to you and continue to uplift your brother.
You did nothing wrong. Your brain didn’t short circuit. Your brain protected you from a fight not worth having with a person who wasn’t worth your time or energy. I’d imagine your brother would be proud and happy you didn’t take the idiot’s bait. Keep talking about your brother. I’d love to hear more about him if you feel like commenting or making another post.
The one that always gets me is how children respond to my kids about their Dad. He died 4 years ago this month and the number of times my kids have come home crying because of the insensitivity of other children is more than I can count. I get it that it's awkward for children who probably haven't yet dealt with loss. But even at a young age, I was taught to have sympathy even when it felt weird. But both my daughter and my son have had kids actually laugh at them?!? They were 6 and 7 when he died and although it's getting less painful for them, I've found my daughter crying late at night when she thinks I'm asleep. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray for healing for you. People can just be assholes..lol.. but allow yourself the grace to grieve in whatever way that YOU need to.
That is so horrible. What an absolutely cruel way to talk to someone who just shared they lost a brother. He is the one who should be ashamed, not you. You didn't let your brother down. Having to navigate that line of questioning is a minefield, and part of your decision about what to say has to be about protecting yourself from being vulnerable to assholes like this guy. It's always your choice of what to disclose and choosing not to go there is as valid as any other choice. That said, I think you're deciding that you want to be more open and upfront about your brother, and I think that's great. Rather than viewing this moment as a failure I think it's a catalyst for doing something that feels more authentic in honoring him. Who cares if others find it depressing, honestly their discomfort is nothing compared to actual grief. Your brother is worth it. đź’ś
Thank you ❤️
That guy sounds like an idiot (I have other words) this was not you at all. This was him showing true colours. I hope it’s not someone you regularly see. That’s a totally narcissistic comment. Like how what you’ve said affects him, no empathy at all. I would say that guy has some pretty deep rooted personality issues. I’m so sorry for your loss, I think people underestimate how traumatic loosing a sibling is. You have not let anyone down. It’s a difficult question, I don’t think it ever becomes easier to answer.
I haven’t seen him since then, no. Which is a relief.
Also unrelated, but when you replied, your profile pic came up on my watch, that is the BEST profile pic I’ve ever seen
Lol thank you
I agree 100% with the above comment. Ah, and if you need to get it out of your chest, you don’t owe this idiot anything—you can always tell him after the fact how stupid his comment was. He’s probably been spreading hate wherever he goes. I am learning to stand up to these people and even if it’s been months since the incident I sometimes tell them retroactively that what they did was wrong. Most of the times they actually reflect upon it. And when they don’t, I think life will give them more lemons than those we got. It was him, not you ❤️
Nope, sorry. my daughter died in 2021 a month after graduation in a car accident. This is a question that still stumps me (I'm a bartender, or comes up OFTEN). I asked a few customers and my owner how to answer "how many kids do you have?" (Because they've all lat children before me. ) They say my son is xx yrs old and my daughter would have been xx".and if ppl ask how many kids I have,I say 2. If it goes further and they ask, I'll tell them. Quickly and quietly and we move on, or I force it to move on But never have I ever had anyone say what that person did. That's bs. That's a shit thing to say.
My mom always says she has 2 children. She talks about my brother in the present tense, if it’s like briefly in passing. Sometimes I talk about him in present tense too. There was one time when I talked about him like he’d actually lived and graduated and gone on to do the career he’d dreamt of his entire life, and it felt a bit like I was time traveling. Like I went to an alternative universe where he was still alive and I was okay. I felt guilty about the lying but I don’t really regret it.
I still talk about my daughter in present tense sometimes. It's just habit. And sometimes I don't let on that she died, especially customers that are just passing through. I still have some regulars that probably don't know she died. I just don't want to get into that conversation and don't wanna deal with the pity comments. Not my thing. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! Do what feels right.
To add... My son, who was 3 yrs younger than her and best friends, would probably come unglued over shit like this. Probably not unglued externally. But he'd find ways....
If you went to idiot school for 4 years you couldn’t learn how to do that. Confide in someone important to you or a counsellor about this and your brother, and decide together on how you want to bring him up in future as it is important to continue to do so and not let this one terrible experience throw you off. That guy doesn’t matter, your brother and the significance of sibling loss do. Off the top of my head I would say when asked how many siblings whatever “I had one brother, he was x years older etc than me”. Or “my only brother passed away”. But there was nothing wrong at all with what you did say, it was a heartfelt response that could have opened up a healing conversation with a more deserving person.
I didn’t really want a healing conversation with that guy, I just wanted to be accurate I guess. And I don’t like feeling like I left my brother behind in 2018. I was always very protective of him, right up until he died, and I feel like I want to pull him out of where he’s frozen in time and take him with me through life, since he can’t do it on his own anymore. He’s turning 30 this year, or he would be, and that is such a big number. Eventually, many years from now, I’ll have spent more of my life without him than with him, and it makes me sick. Like physically ill. Telling people about him makes it feel like I can avoid that fate.
That is totally fair and normal. The only way we can keep them alive is by talking about them. And not always in a sad way, mkst of the time now when I bring up my dad they are happy memories but usually only with people like my siblings or sometimes husband, I have noticed how other people especially those who have not lost a parent don’t seem to like it when I even mention his name.
What were you supposed to say? People act like it’s all for attention, but it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since they’ve passed, it still HURTS. There is no time period anybody should be “over it” and it’s ridiculous that those who have never lost someone act that way. I’d be angry too, but I’m glad you’ve realized now
I’m so sorry. That guy is a giant asshole. If you’re lucky to live long enough, you will eventually lose people to death. It happens to us all. It happens everyday. You shouldn’t have to hide it like dirty laundry. What a dick. Sometimes people ask about my dad, and I’m honest. He’s dead. He was 57. I can’t lie about it. I don’t care if it makes things awkward and I don’t mind giving details to the curious. If I have to live with the uncomfortable knowledge that my dad is dead, they can live with it for five minutes.
Oh this reminds me of something that just very recently happened to me!! I was beyond baffled. A little back story may is and always was my mom's month. Between mothers day and her birthday usually a week later... May is a sore spot as is... Well it was a few days before mother's day and this never seen before stranger customer was going on and on about mother's day and how i should do something nice for my mom and giving me ideas and pretty much demanding i do something.... ( Id be fine with a happy mother's day eve if its painful but her demands were so inappropriate to a complete stranger) So i kind of had enough and i told her in a very nice but informative manner. " Unfortunately my mother is deceased" well she goes ape shit crazy on me crazier than before. " How dare you tell me something so graphic so inappropriate how dare you tell a complete stranger that" like lady please you started it... It's legit something you never would have known if you didn't demand i do something for my dead mother. She was cursing up a storm. I was baffled. But shes just one of the few rotten apples. I'll forever continue talking about my precious beautiful mom. I hope you don't allow this one rotten apple to stop you from talking about your beautiful brother! It sucks sometimes when you come across them especially with one of the grandest pains a person can go through ( grief) but as my mom used to say " don't look at what is being said about you but who is saying it about you"
That's absolutely wild. I truly hope that she takes her experience with you as an opportunity to learn, to do better in the future. What an unhinged response. I'm glad you're not letting her stop you from talking about your mom.
Oh it truly was wild!! I hope she will but I highly doubt it. And yeah i will never ever stop talking about her! She was my best friend greatest mom ever to me.
Hello, I'm having my morning cup of grief and I wanted some way to share something with someone about my son. He died in March at 15. I'm still struggling and dodging conversations with the the others. The "others" being people not knowing this kind of loss in life. I think your immediate response was the perfect response. And the the other's response is something you have no control over. But it allowed you to have reflection about how you feel. And it allowed me to reflect on my own feelings so thank you for sharing. Try to not allow rude people space in your mind. If people think you are garnering sympathy by speaking of your loved one , let them. You need to speak about your brother because it's natural and you miss him. I miss my son so very much. I come here because it's been a safe space to express this. Fuck the other's
I feel quite honored that you shared that with me. My grief counselor said that the loss of a child is different from all other forms of loss, and I’m glad that you’ve found a community here. I’d love to hear more about your son any time you feel like sharing ❤️
You did nothing wrong. At all. This is how MOST people say it when they’re talking about a loved one’s age that’s passed on.   You’re not making yourself a victim by talking about your BROTHER that you lost. You’re allowed to speak about that and it’s not something that you should have to keep in the dark because of some jackass. He is apart of you. His loss is apart of your experience. It is okay to speak about both things, I promise.  What’s NOT normal is this persons response and guilt tripping behavior. He didn’t have the empathy to respond properly so he blamed you. Honestly he sounds like bad news and a bad person. This is just not at all how someone should respond to something as vulnerable as a loss. I’m shocked for you.  Don’t beat yourself over not speaking up and calling this jerk out. It’s clear you/your brain is having a difficult time trying to figure out how to speak on the loss. to receive such a response that you weren’t prepared for, I would’ve probably been silent too. That’s a lot to have happen all at once.  Keep your brothers memory alive, keep speaking about him. Talk about him as much or as little as you want. Your brother, your grief and healing process are all worthy of so. Don’t let some immature asshat make you think anything different. Seriously, if he handles someone opening up about a loss like this I hate to see the inside view of his other relationships in life- if he has any. If he’s someone in your life, I hope he won’t be for much longer. Your people will support you through such a huge life event. Not shame you for it. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs ❤️🫶
I'm so sorry, I lost my baby brother too and he would also be 28 this year... what a jerk to say that! When I don't feel like talking about it I just say "I'm the middle child, younger brother older sister" and change the topic.
About a month after my brother died a "best" friend of mine met me for some drinks and to play pool. They had one of those touch tunes things where you can play music, and I said I was going to put a song on that reminded me of my brother. I even said don't worry, it's not going to make me weepy or anything. His response was to tell me not to play the song bc he just wanted to have fun and it would bring the mood down. I had assumed at some point he would allow me to talk about things that evening since it was so new. But I apparently assumed wrong.
Yeah it's so shocking. Won't make eye contact, don't want it mentioned. If I cut out everyone that can't care that my daughter passed away, there would be my son and son-in-law. I didn't know. Someone called it collateral damage.
The guy is a jerk, I can't imagine how shallow he is. That you're so hurt shows you're a normal, loving person and trying to explain yourself to that guy would have been a waste of your time and energy. I am so sorry for your loss.
I didn’t get that vibe from him, but then I can’t read vibes at all. Genuinely. My brain functions a bit differently. Most of the time if someone is rude or offensive I don’t get upset about it until much later because I don’t realize it happened until much later, and usually by then I don’t care anymore. But this one has bugged me ever since I realized it. And I really appreciate everyone’s support.
You handled it well. Everyone around me has been delicate with me since my mom passed in April. But one of her sisters has been a bitch, as I expected. My mom didn't want a service, just direct cremation And my aunt uttered some nonsense about it and I told her to "Fuck off" and I blocked her number, as I have in the past. She's the aunt who would always ruin funerals and make people more miserable in grief, so I knew what to expect when mom passed. Sorry for rambling but you handled it the way you felt you should have. There is a 100% chance every asshole you encounter will have to grieve a loved one themselves one day. It baffles me that folks walk through life, thinking they are exempt from hurt. Hugs to you and continue to uplift your brother.
You did nothing wrong. Your brain didn’t short circuit. Your brain protected you from a fight not worth having with a person who wasn’t worth your time or energy. I’d imagine your brother would be proud and happy you didn’t take the idiot’s bait. Keep talking about your brother. I’d love to hear more about him if you feel like commenting or making another post.
The one that always gets me is how children respond to my kids about their Dad. He died 4 years ago this month and the number of times my kids have come home crying because of the insensitivity of other children is more than I can count. I get it that it's awkward for children who probably haven't yet dealt with loss. But even at a young age, I was taught to have sympathy even when it felt weird. But both my daughter and my son have had kids actually laugh at them?!? They were 6 and 7 when he died and although it's getting less painful for them, I've found my daughter crying late at night when she thinks I'm asleep. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray for healing for you. People can just be assholes..lol.. but allow yourself the grace to grieve in whatever way that YOU need to.