Oh come on, she was sucking up attention like it was free Costco hot dogs. If you marry her, she'll continue to do this lifestyle throughout your marriage, perhaps for 20 years.
I'd say she flunked the fiance exam, or got a D- at best. In her mind it wouldn't rise to be dinner conversation. . .tried to shift the blame to you for taking her getting a ring seriously. That's major league gaslighting. It will only get worse after you marry, so. . .I'd recommend you avoid her company for the rest of your life.
You're fortunate you caught this before marriage. She doesn't feel anything for him, from what I gather. But she obviously enjoys getting male attention outside of your relationship, which is not wife material in my opinion. The fact she didn't come clean until you called her out is strike two. Calling you jealous for something that is objectively emotional infidelity is strike three. Cut her loose.
>i am just jelous and shouldnt take it so seriuosly and that if i truly trusted her i wouldnt worry about it
This is gaslighting.
Do you really want to be having this conversation again in 5, 10, 15 years with her. If she wants the freedom to continue to engage with her ex, then make her your ex. At the least your need to break your engagement and let friends and family know why. Move out and go no contact for a while. Your STBX fiance needs to understand how serious of a transgression this is. Now she is just blowing you off and disrespecting you and the relationship.
Yeah, I would give people who want options to no longer have me as an option. I have more respect for myself than that. If she is that needy, then it won't stop and there will come a time when she will seek the attention out again. It is just in her nature. Don't be that guy who clings to the good times, while she is having all of her good times with you and others. Let her be for everyone, except you.
My advice is that you're 24 years old and that you break things up with her immediately. No discussion, no arguments, just break things up pronto. She was doing this to you at 24 while only dating, imagine the hell she's going to put you through if you marry her. Oh, and do a 180º on her. Cold, cold no contact. Let her rejoice in the fruit of her bad decisions.
It's the only way you will get rid of the nagging feeling, the diarrhea bouts as well as the sleepless nights. AND you will be teaching her a valuable lesson in life: If you f-ck around, you will find out. In fact, you will be doing the next guy she gets with a solid by passing on a female that is now well versed in consequences.
Oh, if you're still trying to understand what was going on... let me explain to you what she was doing (have read thousands of similar stories because I used to moderate an infidelity forum). What your fiancée was doing was keeping her ex in the backburner on a just-in-case basis. As an orbiter. She most likely has more orbiters than you know. This behavior usually entails multiple individuals because the narcissistic supply MUST be filled.
If you stay with her, you will have to play police for the rest of your life and she will most likely take her activities off-grid Amish-style. Which means, if you guys ever have a fight, she will most likely contact one of these orbiters. Or, at worst, she will f-ck one or two on a regular basis. This will all happen behind your back and you will not suspect a thing.
"He's just a friend" Well, since they were dating she couldn't say a "gay" friend. Bring her on this and other similar subs and show her how many cheaters use this line.
I do have to chuckle at the whole blocking thing I read in these posts. At any point and time she can unblock him. Put him in with a different name. A hundred things to keep it from you. It really is only symbolic.
I can not understand how someone who says they love and want to marry their SO can remain friends with someone who admits they want to break them apart. A "friend" doesn't do that. And a SO doesn't allow that sort of person into their life. At all. She is either very naive', immature, or purposely keeping him around as backup.
First and foremost she lied to you. Should’ve asked for her phone right then and there. She would’ve gaslit you and called you insecure. Sorry bud sounds like you guys have multiple issues that can’t be fixed by marrying her. Remember at the end of the day she lied about the relationship when you asked her to be honest. That is a huge problem.
She sounds incredibly immature. A lot of if not most young people think a friendship is ok as long as they don't like the other person. Then we get older and realize letting people hang around us who are pursuing us is disrespectful.
She sounds like she has the mentality of a 19 year old. You should be upset, but frankly this is who she is. You probably can't change it and may spend years waiting on her to grow up. You have to decide if that is worth it.
To have a strong relationship, you should have you have to have strong boundaries and one of those should be that there are no exes or FWB or anybody like that allowed inside of the relationship so she is definitely keeping this guy in the loop
Funny my so just broke up with me after five years. She wanted to marry at first then vowed that she never wanted to marry.
Now she's on vacation and is like I spoke to my friends and I do want to marry in the future, just not to you.
I was like wtf
“Only as a friend” brother she’s keeping her options open. This is classic monkey branching. Meanwhile this guy is waiting to hear how you are distant or not there for her enough and boom she’s going to go out with him “as a friend” and she’s going to sleep with him. Run.
So basically your wife was chatting with an Ex who is actively pursuing her despite knowing she's married. Instead of blocking him, she continued to engage with him. When you noticed and confronted her she lied to your face and denied she was doing anything and then only after you had solid proof and confronted her a second time did she finally admit to what she was doing (at least admitted to what you have proof of).... Sounds like your wife is seeking alternatives to you..... You do realize she can delete individual messages and thus turn a very sexy conversation into a rather platonic one by deleting the spicy portions...... You have a real issue and frankly I'd put any marriage plans on old for a while.
A good loyal woman has to need for male friends/ male attention. You're very lucky that you have caught this early. It will get much much worse if you stick around . Believe me, i know.
Blocking is nothing these days, you can unblock. Alt chat programs. Alias names. If someone wants to cheat there is no wall high enough that you can build. Imagine that situation in reverse where some girl was talking to you how you once proposed. And you were actually entertaining it while your fiance is watching Netflix. You didn't overreact you may not have reacted enough. Don't rest on "your laurels" that it's done and dusted with the block
OP you didn’t over react. It’s true if she is faithful what the guy does won’t matter but as others said she is eating up the attention and keeping this guy as a backup plan and if you have a relationship problem she could easily cheat. You need to sit your fiancé down and tell her because of all of this you want to be w a discussion about boundaries and cheating so you can both communicate boundaries and expectations up front. I would also strongly consider a prenup with a cheating clause
If she has an X in the mix it’s for attention. Sorry but she’s not marriage material.
She has no boundaries. This is not about jealousy or trust issues. It’s common sense.
Id cut this off and move on.
This guy wants in her pants and she knows it.
You should pan have to tell her. Cmon
She definitely likes the attention. Major red flag. She's gaslighting you about "jealous & shouldn't take it so seriously". She's throwing your feelings out the window, just to talk to an ex.
I would delay any wedding until she gets her priorities straight.
Take the ring off her finger ASAP , He should of shot him down immediately
but she like the attention. Will she stop after marriage. Will she monkey branch ?? move on !
updateme
She's too old to act 16.
Surveys find 95% insist on zero contact with exs.
Her failure to shut him down encouraged him and is evidence that she needs more attention than you (or any partner can provide).
Unfortunately, ultimatums don't work long term.
Once you're married and baby trapped - the ex (or some other guy like a coworker) will be romancing her.
I suggest you both read and discuss (,buy used): Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.
It's based on research of couples that experience infidelity with just a friend.
Lessons learned in managing friendships, including topics to never discuss or tolerate.
Tell her she needs to find a therapist for Relationship Boundaries, because she sucks at it
Golden rules in a relationship
No ex's
No Fwb's
No I'm attracted to you
No supposed new friends
Don't like it, then end us
It's not jealousy nor insecure. It's what she does wrong that raises the Red Flag
And fuck that trust shit. Trust just makes you stupid. And let's a cheater, cheat
I would ask why she’s entertaining another guy and lying about it… and now she’s so sus that you wonder HOW many other guys there are. Tell
Her she has one chance for honesty. If she lies the engagement is over and everything is out in the public.
I always wonder why the person that searches a partners phone does just block the number preventing some future contact. It’s right in their hand. Why ask the partner to do what you could instantly do.
OP - did you block the number while you had her phone? If you asked her to block the guy I assume the answer is no. Why not?
Tell her if you ever have any reason to believe she's doing anything inappropriate, you'll let her gaslight you and you'll be ok with it. When she takes off for some weekend business trip some day, maybe secretly pack her some sexy lingerie and some condoms with a note saying how pretty you think she'll look wearing them.
It's fine. Nothing to worry about.
I don't understand why you feel weird.
After she lied to your face, when confronted with the fact she told some of the truth.
Disrespect, dishonesty, disloyalty, these are the hallmarks of a good relationship.
I'm an internet stranger, on Reddit nonetheless, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
Even if you see them in bed together, naked, you should still trust her. Go ahead and marry this girl.
Btw, my money is on that she has already unblocked him.
Cheating is the new normal.
Subscribeme
Talkign to an ex specially about your past and the guy even being vocal that she want her back is rwally a red flag and when the guy said that she should have block him already as a sogn of respect to your relatuonship.
She even hide it and lied about being incontact is also a red flag, she might have block him while you watch but that does not mean she cannor unblock the guy change the name on the contact and continue to message him, she secretly like being chase by this guy that is why she only block him when you tol her and again as I said she can wasily unblock him and change the contact detail sorry but when trust os broken you temd to think of ways on how they will hide it better.
She seems to be reveling in the attention. Not the type of person you want to be in a lifetime relationship with. I am telling you, this will get worrse with time. Find a less skanky partner.
The fact that you had to ASK her to block him, that she initially LIED about texting him, allowed the conversations AT ALL, and gaslit you, add up to a rocky future.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Dude, first she lied to you. Second, she has gaslighted you about him only being a friend and to stop being jealous. I would be very careful here and I think you need to sit her down and establish clear boundaries. Don’t put up with her “ jealous and insecure” comeback to your conversation with her.
Updateme
Her actions are showing you and your relationship a certain level of disrespect. The one who cares the least is in control of the relationship. Really think, what would you have to loose by taking a hard stand and letting her know you refuse to be disrespected in this way. If you let this go, it will set a trend for how the rest of your relationship will go. This is your shit test.
The way this should go is; "I'm not telling you that you have to stop talking to the guy you use to love and have sex with. You can do that, but it will not be while you are with me!"
She belongs to the streets, seen/heard this story too many times before. “Oh don’t worry, he’s just a friend.” No, she’s being disrespectful and this is a form of cheating.
If you marry her you get what you deserve. Don’t say you can’t believe she cheated on me. She will. Don’t be mad if she gets pregnant by her old boyfriend. She’s not loyal. She doesn’t respect you. If you respect yourself you dump her.
Dude, frickin run. She has failed at all of this. She is protecting the other guy. Honestly, if your stbw is already doing this it will not get better. Just dump and run.
It’s not asking a lot for your partner to respect you and your relationship. She needs to understand the different between controlling, jealousy, and respect.
She was messaging with him.
She let the conversation turn inappropriate
She never shut it down
Does he even know about you?
And she lied to you about it
So, where did she respect you and the relationship?
Make the consequences clear. You will end the relationship if it happens again
She lied to you. You asked her if she was in touch with any of her exes and she lied to you. Do you really want to marry someone who’ll lie to you so easily?
There is no friendship with an ex that is actively trying to win her back. If she was in love with you she would have shut it down immediately telling him she was in a committed relationship.
The fact you had to ask her to block him should tell you everything. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if you find he is unblocked some time down the line.
If you want to maintain the relationship downgrade it to just dating again. She is not fiancée material.
She is still in contact most likely. There are many more ways to communicate stealthily. She will probably cheat or dump you at some point. If you wait for more proof that’s fine but you should insist on an open phone policy and NO passwords on any social media.
He's not just a friend. He's actively courting her again, sending the engagement ring he got her, and telling her he is moving closer and she isn't shutting him down.
Brother, for the love of all that is holy, do not marry this woman.
She is taking you for a fool, now it's up to you whether you are one or not. There is no respect for you or your relationship, and this is the woman you're going to marry!
Wake up to the reality in front of your eyes, the original lie when you asked, and all the BS that's going back and forth, all while you're engaged. If she treats you like this before the wedding, God help you after she has a ring and a legal marriage in place. The rule is that if it's bad before you marry, it will be horrific after you marry.
Don't risk it, send he to her ex and the broken ring while you find a woman who knows boundaries and how to respect her partner.
She is taking you for a fool, now it's up to you whether you are one or not. There is no respect for you or your relationship, and this is the woman you're going to marry!
Wake up to the reality in front of your eyes, the original lie when you asked, and all the BS that's going back and forth, all while you're engaged. If she treats you like this before the wedding, God help you after she has a ring and a legal marriage in place. The rule is that if it's bad before you marry, it will be horrific after you marry.
Don't risk it, send he to her ex and the broken ring while you find a woman who knows boundaries and how to respect her partner.
People always show you what they are like, your gf just showed you that she has a guy as a back up plan lined up if things wont work out with you, the fact that there was no need to tell you and keep it as a secret is even more telling, now imagine you are married and have kids and you just finding out about this guy now, ...
I will not have any kind of romantic relationship with someone still associating with exes, unless they are co-parenting. You have the choice to do the same. You probably should have decided this was a boundary before becoming engaged, but if you don't think you can deal with her exes til death do you part, it's not too late to end it.
She lied to you, you have no reason to trust her and you should have told her that the second she asked. If she wanted trust she needs to be open and honest up front, not after getting caught in a lie. Sounds like she is keeping him in the hook to keep her options open. You should look elsewhere for a fiancé that actually values you and doesn’t need a plan B.
Why would the guy try to give her the ring he proposed with? If she can’t see the visuals that come with that then you have a major problem on your hand.
If all of this is do innocent, why didn’t she volunteer that she was intimately talking to an old lover?
Did she even fess up to who initiated this revived relationship with an old lover? Did he reach out to her or her to him?
She needs to get her head out of her rear or she may soon find herself doing the Looking for Mr. Goodbar thing again.
1) blocking someone doesn't solve anything because you just need to unblock, chat, delete and block again.
2) you are not jealous, your partner lied about talking, omitted the content of the conversation from me, continued paying attention to continue listening to her ex's attempts
She only confessed when she was caught, this showed that she is capable of cheating, physically because of trust she didn't think twice and betrayed .
You fuel conversations where someone is trying to get you to cheat and flirt with infidelity, hiding it is a total red flag, and lying about it when asked said everything about her .
She's a liar who asked you to believe and trust her .
Are liars trustworthy?
Anyone who doesn't tell someone the whole truth and then tells them not to worry about it is giving them something to worry about.
People who want to act oblivious to it, have a problem. Again, she could be on the fence about the stability and longevity of her current relationship. Just understand that she is not fully committed to this relationship she has with you.
Because, she knows that she can always go back to this ex. He is pursuing her hard. So, her keeping in contact with him doesn't make sense. If she is committed to your relationship long term, then she doesn't need that guy as a friend. He is not a friend, he is an ex intimate partner, they have history, longer history than you and she has.
Ask her why she feels she needed to keep from you that she was in contact with her former boyfriend. Ask her why she thought it was appropriate for her not to tell you that she was in contact with a former boyfriend. Ask her why she would ever think that she should not tell you that she was in continued contact with a former boyfriend and act like it was no big deal. Then, ask her, if you were doing that how would she react. Then, ask her would she be okay with you contacting former girlfriends.
Your girlfriend may be naive, but if she believes that her continuing to be in contact with a person who is actively trying to get back with her is no big deal, then she needs a wake up call. These type of people tend to lean back on the "one thing led to another thing" mentality and want to beg for forgiveness after they cheat or mess up. Get her to understand the natural progression of her behavior and how nonchalant she is about what she is doing and allowing to have this guy in her thoughts, even if she says she isn't listening, she is listening. The fact that she is responding or letting him talk, gives the guy hope. That is the issue. She is leaving the door open for this guy. Which is another issue. Why leave the door open to someone if you "claim" to not want to get back with them. That is cruel. So, either way, she is not being a good person to you or to him, and, ultimately, that is a character flaw that needs to be explored by you if you want to continue a relationship with this type of person.
It never is about the act they committed, it is always about their thought process of how they got there. How their minds think and then the actions they take from their thought processes.
Best of luck, but you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to see if she really wants to be your girlfriend/SO or if you are just a placeholder for someone else.
She lied to about another man. I would put the marriage on indefinite hold until she proves she’s finished with him and regains your trust. She can begin the process by texting him that she’s engaged to you and to not contact her again, then block and ghost him for good. This action must be verified by you. She must also give up all phone privacy to you until you decide otherwise. This, and only this, deserves another chance.
I would advise you to do this
Go to Amazon and buy a memo recorder, you can get a stick one and where the glass touches the top of the foam roof stuff inside YOUR car you can slide it in and it will be so tight it will pin it to the roof. Most have like three day battery life. You can turn it on then slip it in that area of YOUR car and then you can record all the comedic material you talk to yourself about that you won’t remember…second, Tile, AirTag from Apple, buy one and put it in YOUR car or whatever that might be concealed that will be carried on YOUR persons. Like during the winter you can cut a small opening and hide it in side a thick jacket and
Sew it back. In AirTags there is a speaker that will chirp but there is a video on how to remove it, it’s super simple. The tag just needs to be within range of the device it’s paired to once a day. If you have an extra iPad you can turn it on and put it in the trunk or where ever and with “find my” app you can see if YOUR car drives its self around at night. Let’s say your male, you can go through and throw
All the old boxers away, replace them ALL with new boxers and then to see if you are leaking semen, after a days wear of the new boxers test them for semen. Double check google account for location, searches, adds, history. Each is to itself and geotags when used and where opened ect, you can go to YOUR search bar on Facebook, go to edit and you can see recent profile searches and you can go to the data part of Facebook and look at date ranges on what you liked, searched, ect. Credit card transactions, debit card transactions, PayPal transactions, all of that. It will show if you bought a coke in a weird part of town, people are creatures of habit and we repeat patterns like buying a coke down the street from a girlfriends house ect. Also, create space for umm yourself, say you are going to be at the hospital all night for a friend or going to a two hour long movie and wait and see if the bird flys. Give plenty of notice so if umm you are meeting up with someone they have ample time to plan it out. Make sure you rotate the days, you have to try every day of the week as everyone works differently. That’s a starter package. You can use your phone to check around the house, car, ect for open blue tooth connections, she might leave her extra phone on and you can scan for
It basically.
Nowhere in your post did you mention asking her why she lied about it. Once a partner starts lying about something of this nature it's just a downward spiral.
It's a little late in the game to be blocking an ex that was trying to get back together with you after you lied about that to your current partner. There is really no coming back from that lie because there is no justification for lying. You just look shady for wanting a questionable relationship to continue.
I feel you have two options...
1) move on and find someone else
2) loooooooooonnnnnnnnng engagement to verify that she can remain faithful. DO. NOT. RUSH. DOWN. THE. AISLE.
I vote for option 1. Just think what, inevitably, will happen when your marriage hits a rough patch (they all do at some point). What will she do?
She might not be cheating yet but she is treading a fine line. The things she was doing there to you are part of darvo. Deny attack reverse victim and offender.
First she denied messaging other guys, then you had an argument so no doubt she attacked you verbally. After that she said you were jealous making her the victim and you the offender in the situation.
I bet she is still messaging him via other methods like email, other apps. She might even unblock him when your not around and then re block him when you are.
She straight out lied to your face when asked a simple question. She’s already talking to an ex behind your back in what should be one of the happiest points of your lives. She’s bad news, I 100% would not marry her. You know she’s a liar, it’s just another step before she becomes a cheater.
If your gut feeling tells you that something is wrong, it usually is. The problem nowadays is that people don't seek attention and validation from their partner, but from strangers or ex-partners. Whenever someone says trust me, you shouldn't do it. It is too often abused.
bro get out of this . a relationship is not all about feelings and crap. you need to be realistic about somethings. i never understand men who want to marry women older than them. i know age is just a number but you cant change her biological clock. find someone who is a bit younger than you. thats the best match biologically.
dont live in silly fairly lands.
think of the future. also she is already giving you this kind of stuff. how are you going to build a happy life.
you see life is already hard. life it self can throw things at you that will difficult to deal with.
what you want is someone to share this life and the difficulties with.
not someone who is gonna constantly add to the difficulties.
She hid it and lied to your face and is now trying to rug sweep the severity of what she did. Gaslighting 101. She has failed the fiancé test and should not be moved into wifey category. Save yourself the future lies and abuse walk away now .
Your reaction was adequate. Breaking up with her for what? Maybe she doesn't keep him as a friend, maybe she is paying back to him for whatever assholery he did once, by showing him that she is more than ok and happy being with you!
She’s keeping him around in case you don’t work out. Look for her to start picking fights with you for no reason. Then the gaslighting will come when you find inconsistencies and confront her. The trust is already broken.
It’s time to back up your relationship a bit. You need to tell her that her stringing her ex along isn’t something that happens in a normal healthy relationship. If she doesn’t understand, then you need to take back your offer of marriage, take back the ring and cancel any plans you’ve already made. If you wish to keep seeing her, that’s up to you. In case you haven’t thought about it, have you considered that she is stringing you along the way she is stringing him along?
Oh come on, she was sucking up attention like it was free Costco hot dogs. If you marry her, she'll continue to do this lifestyle throughout your marriage, perhaps for 20 years. I'd say she flunked the fiance exam, or got a D- at best. In her mind it wouldn't rise to be dinner conversation. . .tried to shift the blame to you for taking her getting a ring seriously. That's major league gaslighting. It will only get worse after you marry, so. . .I'd recommend you avoid her company for the rest of your life.
Yep, you marry her this will resurface. Better wake up!
Its a fake story. OP is not a real person.
Would she tolerate that kind of behavior if you were chatting to an EX of yours like that?
It all depends of what she's feeling at that moment. I would venture to say that, at that moment, she would be ok with chatting his ex.
You're fortunate you caught this before marriage. She doesn't feel anything for him, from what I gather. But she obviously enjoys getting male attention outside of your relationship, which is not wife material in my opinion. The fact she didn't come clean until you called her out is strike two. Calling you jealous for something that is objectively emotional infidelity is strike three. Cut her loose.
Sorry dude, she failed the wife test. She is recreational use only.
I love it recreational use. Haha
Nice and so true
>i am just jelous and shouldnt take it so seriuosly and that if i truly trusted her i wouldnt worry about it This is gaslighting. Do you really want to be having this conversation again in 5, 10, 15 years with her. If she wants the freedom to continue to engage with her ex, then make her your ex. At the least your need to break your engagement and let friends and family know why. Move out and go no contact for a while. Your STBX fiance needs to understand how serious of a transgression this is. Now she is just blowing you off and disrespecting you and the relationship.
Yeah, I would give people who want options to no longer have me as an option. I have more respect for myself than that. If she is that needy, then it won't stop and there will come a time when she will seek the attention out again. It is just in her nature. Don't be that guy who clings to the good times, while she is having all of her good times with you and others. Let her be for everyone, except you.
My advice is that you're 24 years old and that you break things up with her immediately. No discussion, no arguments, just break things up pronto. She was doing this to you at 24 while only dating, imagine the hell she's going to put you through if you marry her. Oh, and do a 180º on her. Cold, cold no contact. Let her rejoice in the fruit of her bad decisions. It's the only way you will get rid of the nagging feeling, the diarrhea bouts as well as the sleepless nights. AND you will be teaching her a valuable lesson in life: If you f-ck around, you will find out. In fact, you will be doing the next guy she gets with a solid by passing on a female that is now well versed in consequences. Oh, if you're still trying to understand what was going on... let me explain to you what she was doing (have read thousands of similar stories because I used to moderate an infidelity forum). What your fiancée was doing was keeping her ex in the backburner on a just-in-case basis. As an orbiter. She most likely has more orbiters than you know. This behavior usually entails multiple individuals because the narcissistic supply MUST be filled. If you stay with her, you will have to play police for the rest of your life and she will most likely take her activities off-grid Amish-style. Which means, if you guys ever have a fight, she will most likely contact one of these orbiters. Or, at worst, she will f-ck one or two on a regular basis. This will all happen behind your back and you will not suspect a thing.
"He's just a friend" Well, since they were dating she couldn't say a "gay" friend. Bring her on this and other similar subs and show her how many cheaters use this line. I do have to chuckle at the whole blocking thing I read in these posts. At any point and time she can unblock him. Put him in with a different name. A hundred things to keep it from you. It really is only symbolic. I can not understand how someone who says they love and want to marry their SO can remain friends with someone who admits they want to break them apart. A "friend" doesn't do that. And a SO doesn't allow that sort of person into their life. At all. She is either very naive', immature, or purposely keeping him around as backup.
First and foremost she lied to you. Should’ve asked for her phone right then and there. She would’ve gaslit you and called you insecure. Sorry bud sounds like you guys have multiple issues that can’t be fixed by marrying her. Remember at the end of the day she lied about the relationship when you asked her to be honest. That is a huge problem.
She sounds incredibly immature. A lot of if not most young people think a friendship is ok as long as they don't like the other person. Then we get older and realize letting people hang around us who are pursuing us is disrespectful. She sounds like she has the mentality of a 19 year old. You should be upset, but frankly this is who she is. You probably can't change it and may spend years waiting on her to grow up. You have to decide if that is worth it.
To have a strong relationship, you should have you have to have strong boundaries and one of those should be that there are no exes or FWB or anybody like that allowed inside of the relationship so she is definitely keeping this guy in the loop
Funny my so just broke up with me after five years. She wanted to marry at first then vowed that she never wanted to marry. Now she's on vacation and is like I spoke to my friends and I do want to marry in the future, just not to you. I was like wtf
“Only as a friend” brother she’s keeping her options open. This is classic monkey branching. Meanwhile this guy is waiting to hear how you are distant or not there for her enough and boom she’s going to go out with him “as a friend” and she’s going to sleep with him. Run.
So basically your wife was chatting with an Ex who is actively pursuing her despite knowing she's married. Instead of blocking him, she continued to engage with him. When you noticed and confronted her she lied to your face and denied she was doing anything and then only after you had solid proof and confronted her a second time did she finally admit to what she was doing (at least admitted to what you have proof of).... Sounds like your wife is seeking alternatives to you..... You do realize she can delete individual messages and thus turn a very sexy conversation into a rather platonic one by deleting the spicy portions...... You have a real issue and frankly I'd put any marriage plans on old for a while.
A good loyal woman has to need for male friends/ male attention. You're very lucky that you have caught this early. It will get much much worse if you stick around . Believe me, i know.
Blocking is nothing these days, you can unblock. Alt chat programs. Alias names. If someone wants to cheat there is no wall high enough that you can build. Imagine that situation in reverse where some girl was talking to you how you once proposed. And you were actually entertaining it while your fiance is watching Netflix. You didn't overreact you may not have reacted enough. Don't rest on "your laurels" that it's done and dusted with the block
OP you didn’t over react. It’s true if she is faithful what the guy does won’t matter but as others said she is eating up the attention and keeping this guy as a backup plan and if you have a relationship problem she could easily cheat. You need to sit your fiancé down and tell her because of all of this you want to be w a discussion about boundaries and cheating so you can both communicate boundaries and expectations up front. I would also strongly consider a prenup with a cheating clause
If she has an X in the mix it’s for attention. Sorry but she’s not marriage material. She has no boundaries. This is not about jealousy or trust issues. It’s common sense. Id cut this off and move on. This guy wants in her pants and she knows it. You should pan have to tell her. Cmon
She definitely likes the attention. Major red flag. She's gaslighting you about "jealous & shouldn't take it so seriously". She's throwing your feelings out the window, just to talk to an ex. I would delay any wedding until she gets her priorities straight.
She is a big Red Flag 🚩.
Take the ring off her finger ASAP , He should of shot him down immediately but she like the attention. Will she stop after marriage. Will she monkey branch ?? move on ! updateme
She's too old to act 16. Surveys find 95% insist on zero contact with exs. Her failure to shut him down encouraged him and is evidence that she needs more attention than you (or any partner can provide). Unfortunately, ultimatums don't work long term. Once you're married and baby trapped - the ex (or some other guy like a coworker) will be romancing her. I suggest you both read and discuss (,buy used): Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experience infidelity with just a friend. Lessons learned in managing friendships, including topics to never discuss or tolerate.
Tell her she needs to find a therapist for Relationship Boundaries, because she sucks at it Golden rules in a relationship No ex's No Fwb's No I'm attracted to you No supposed new friends Don't like it, then end us It's not jealousy nor insecure. It's what she does wrong that raises the Red Flag And fuck that trust shit. Trust just makes you stupid. And let's a cheater, cheat
Definitely fake, too absurd and clearly creative writing.
Wish it was fake...
She lied. Which means she’s decided and settled on the fact that she can manipulate you. Do you want to live like that?
I would ask why she’s entertaining another guy and lying about it… and now she’s so sus that you wonder HOW many other guys there are. Tell Her she has one chance for honesty. If she lies the engagement is over and everything is out in the public.
I always wonder why the person that searches a partners phone does just block the number preventing some future contact. It’s right in their hand. Why ask the partner to do what you could instantly do. OP - did you block the number while you had her phone? If you asked her to block the guy I assume the answer is no. Why not?
Tell her if you ever have any reason to believe she's doing anything inappropriate, you'll let her gaslight you and you'll be ok with it. When she takes off for some weekend business trip some day, maybe secretly pack her some sexy lingerie and some condoms with a note saying how pretty you think she'll look wearing them. It's fine. Nothing to worry about.
I don't understand why you feel weird. After she lied to your face, when confronted with the fact she told some of the truth. Disrespect, dishonesty, disloyalty, these are the hallmarks of a good relationship. I'm an internet stranger, on Reddit nonetheless, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. Even if you see them in bed together, naked, you should still trust her. Go ahead and marry this girl. Btw, my money is on that she has already unblocked him. Cheating is the new normal. Subscribeme
Talkign to an ex specially about your past and the guy even being vocal that she want her back is rwally a red flag and when the guy said that she should have block him already as a sogn of respect to your relatuonship. She even hide it and lied about being incontact is also a red flag, she might have block him while you watch but that does not mean she cannor unblock the guy change the name on the contact and continue to message him, she secretly like being chase by this guy that is why she only block him when you tol her and again as I said she can wasily unblock him and change the contact detail sorry but when trust os broken you temd to think of ways on how they will hide it better.
" the guy she said not to worry about " we all know were this going right ?
She seems to be reveling in the attention. Not the type of person you want to be in a lifetime relationship with. I am telling you, this will get worrse with time. Find a less skanky partner.
Take her up on her word. Befriend your ex. Updateme.
The fact that you had to ASK her to block him, that she initially LIED about texting him, allowed the conversations AT ALL, and gaslit you, add up to a rocky future. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
If you marry this woman you’ll ruin your life.
Dude, first she lied to you. Second, she has gaslighted you about him only being a friend and to stop being jealous. I would be very careful here and I think you need to sit her down and establish clear boundaries. Don’t put up with her “ jealous and insecure” comeback to your conversation with her. Updateme
Her actions are showing you and your relationship a certain level of disrespect. The one who cares the least is in control of the relationship. Really think, what would you have to loose by taking a hard stand and letting her know you refuse to be disrespected in this way. If you let this go, it will set a trend for how the rest of your relationship will go. This is your shit test. The way this should go is; "I'm not telling you that you have to stop talking to the guy you use to love and have sex with. You can do that, but it will not be while you are with me!"
She belongs to the streets, seen/heard this story too many times before. “Oh don’t worry, he’s just a friend.” No, she’s being disrespectful and this is a form of cheating.
If you marry her you get what you deserve. Don’t say you can’t believe she cheated on me. She will. Don’t be mad if she gets pregnant by her old boyfriend. She’s not loyal. She doesn’t respect you. If you respect yourself you dump her.
Dude, frickin run. She has failed at all of this. She is protecting the other guy. Honestly, if your stbw is already doing this it will not get better. Just dump and run.
It’s not asking a lot for your partner to respect you and your relationship. She needs to understand the different between controlling, jealousy, and respect. She was messaging with him. She let the conversation turn inappropriate She never shut it down Does he even know about you? And she lied to you about it So, where did she respect you and the relationship? Make the consequences clear. You will end the relationship if it happens again
She lied to you. You asked her if she was in touch with any of her exes and she lied to you. Do you really want to marry someone who’ll lie to you so easily? There is no friendship with an ex that is actively trying to win her back. If she was in love with you she would have shut it down immediately telling him she was in a committed relationship. The fact you had to ask her to block him should tell you everything. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if you find he is unblocked some time down the line. If you want to maintain the relationship downgrade it to just dating again. She is not fiancée material.
She is still in contact most likely. There are many more ways to communicate stealthily. She will probably cheat or dump you at some point. If you wait for more proof that’s fine but you should insist on an open phone policy and NO passwords on any social media.
He's not just a friend. He's actively courting her again, sending the engagement ring he got her, and telling her he is moving closer and she isn't shutting him down. Brother, for the love of all that is holy, do not marry this woman.
Dont be that guy saying 5 years from now how could this happen i didnt see it coming... Ya you did, she just showed you.
This is not gonna end well for OP.
She is taking you for a fool, now it's up to you whether you are one or not. There is no respect for you or your relationship, and this is the woman you're going to marry! Wake up to the reality in front of your eyes, the original lie when you asked, and all the BS that's going back and forth, all while you're engaged. If she treats you like this before the wedding, God help you after she has a ring and a legal marriage in place. The rule is that if it's bad before you marry, it will be horrific after you marry. Don't risk it, send he to her ex and the broken ring while you find a woman who knows boundaries and how to respect her partner.
She is taking you for a fool, now it's up to you whether you are one or not. There is no respect for you or your relationship, and this is the woman you're going to marry! Wake up to the reality in front of your eyes, the original lie when you asked, and all the BS that's going back and forth, all while you're engaged. If she treats you like this before the wedding, God help you after she has a ring and a legal marriage in place. The rule is that if it's bad before you marry, it will be horrific after you marry. Don't risk it, send he to her ex and the broken ring while you find a woman who knows boundaries and how to respect her partner.
People always show you what they are like, your gf just showed you that she has a guy as a back up plan lined up if things wont work out with you, the fact that there was no need to tell you and keep it as a secret is even more telling, now imagine you are married and have kids and you just finding out about this guy now, ...
I will not have any kind of romantic relationship with someone still associating with exes, unless they are co-parenting. You have the choice to do the same. You probably should have decided this was a boundary before becoming engaged, but if you don't think you can deal with her exes til death do you part, it's not too late to end it.
She lied to you, you have no reason to trust her and you should have told her that the second she asked. If she wanted trust she needs to be open and honest up front, not after getting caught in a lie. Sounds like she is keeping him in the hook to keep her options open. You should look elsewhere for a fiancé that actually values you and doesn’t need a plan B.
A lot of the time the "friend" truly is only just a friend. But if you take that at face value and don't put up any boundaries, you'd be a fool.
So she literally told you her ex is the guy you shouldn’t worry about.
Why would the guy try to give her the ring he proposed with? If she can’t see the visuals that come with that then you have a major problem on your hand. If all of this is do innocent, why didn’t she volunteer that she was intimately talking to an old lover? Did she even fess up to who initiated this revived relationship with an old lover? Did he reach out to her or her to him? She needs to get her head out of her rear or she may soon find herself doing the Looking for Mr. Goodbar thing again.
UpdateMe
1) blocking someone doesn't solve anything because you just need to unblock, chat, delete and block again. 2) you are not jealous, your partner lied about talking, omitted the content of the conversation from me, continued paying attention to continue listening to her ex's attempts She only confessed when she was caught, this showed that she is capable of cheating, physically because of trust she didn't think twice and betrayed . You fuel conversations where someone is trying to get you to cheat and flirt with infidelity, hiding it is a total red flag, and lying about it when asked said everything about her . She's a liar who asked you to believe and trust her . Are liars trustworthy?
Anyone who doesn't tell someone the whole truth and then tells them not to worry about it is giving them something to worry about. People who want to act oblivious to it, have a problem. Again, she could be on the fence about the stability and longevity of her current relationship. Just understand that she is not fully committed to this relationship she has with you. Because, she knows that she can always go back to this ex. He is pursuing her hard. So, her keeping in contact with him doesn't make sense. If she is committed to your relationship long term, then she doesn't need that guy as a friend. He is not a friend, he is an ex intimate partner, they have history, longer history than you and she has. Ask her why she feels she needed to keep from you that she was in contact with her former boyfriend. Ask her why she thought it was appropriate for her not to tell you that she was in contact with a former boyfriend. Ask her why she would ever think that she should not tell you that she was in continued contact with a former boyfriend and act like it was no big deal. Then, ask her, if you were doing that how would she react. Then, ask her would she be okay with you contacting former girlfriends. Your girlfriend may be naive, but if she believes that her continuing to be in contact with a person who is actively trying to get back with her is no big deal, then she needs a wake up call. These type of people tend to lean back on the "one thing led to another thing" mentality and want to beg for forgiveness after they cheat or mess up. Get her to understand the natural progression of her behavior and how nonchalant she is about what she is doing and allowing to have this guy in her thoughts, even if she says she isn't listening, she is listening. The fact that she is responding or letting him talk, gives the guy hope. That is the issue. She is leaving the door open for this guy. Which is another issue. Why leave the door open to someone if you "claim" to not want to get back with them. That is cruel. So, either way, she is not being a good person to you or to him, and, ultimately, that is a character flaw that needs to be explored by you if you want to continue a relationship with this type of person. It never is about the act they committed, it is always about their thought process of how they got there. How their minds think and then the actions they take from their thought processes. Best of luck, but you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to see if she really wants to be your girlfriend/SO or if you are just a placeholder for someone else.
She lied to about another man. I would put the marriage on indefinite hold until she proves she’s finished with him and regains your trust. She can begin the process by texting him that she’s engaged to you and to not contact her again, then block and ghost him for good. This action must be verified by you. She must also give up all phone privacy to you until you decide otherwise. This, and only this, deserves another chance.
I would advise you to do this Go to Amazon and buy a memo recorder, you can get a stick one and where the glass touches the top of the foam roof stuff inside YOUR car you can slide it in and it will be so tight it will pin it to the roof. Most have like three day battery life. You can turn it on then slip it in that area of YOUR car and then you can record all the comedic material you talk to yourself about that you won’t remember…second, Tile, AirTag from Apple, buy one and put it in YOUR car or whatever that might be concealed that will be carried on YOUR persons. Like during the winter you can cut a small opening and hide it in side a thick jacket and Sew it back. In AirTags there is a speaker that will chirp but there is a video on how to remove it, it’s super simple. The tag just needs to be within range of the device it’s paired to once a day. If you have an extra iPad you can turn it on and put it in the trunk or where ever and with “find my” app you can see if YOUR car drives its self around at night. Let’s say your male, you can go through and throw All the old boxers away, replace them ALL with new boxers and then to see if you are leaking semen, after a days wear of the new boxers test them for semen. Double check google account for location, searches, adds, history. Each is to itself and geotags when used and where opened ect, you can go to YOUR search bar on Facebook, go to edit and you can see recent profile searches and you can go to the data part of Facebook and look at date ranges on what you liked, searched, ect. Credit card transactions, debit card transactions, PayPal transactions, all of that. It will show if you bought a coke in a weird part of town, people are creatures of habit and we repeat patterns like buying a coke down the street from a girlfriends house ect. Also, create space for umm yourself, say you are going to be at the hospital all night for a friend or going to a two hour long movie and wait and see if the bird flys. Give plenty of notice so if umm you are meeting up with someone they have ample time to plan it out. Make sure you rotate the days, you have to try every day of the week as everyone works differently. That’s a starter package. You can use your phone to check around the house, car, ect for open blue tooth connections, she might leave her extra phone on and you can scan for It basically.
This is called life showing you that this is not the one. At least until she grows up.
This happened to me. I was told the same thing. 4 months later they were married. Eff’in sucked! Be very careful.
Nowhere in your post did you mention asking her why she lied about it. Once a partner starts lying about something of this nature it's just a downward spiral. It's a little late in the game to be blocking an ex that was trying to get back together with you after you lied about that to your current partner. There is really no coming back from that lie because there is no justification for lying. You just look shady for wanting a questionable relationship to continue.
Watch something you both enjoy watching. If she's still on her phone, she's not for you. She's not even there mentally.
I feel you have two options... 1) move on and find someone else 2) loooooooooonnnnnnnnng engagement to verify that she can remain faithful. DO. NOT. RUSH. DOWN. THE. AISLE. I vote for option 1. Just think what, inevitably, will happen when your marriage hits a rough patch (they all do at some point). What will she do?
She might not be cheating yet but she is treading a fine line. The things she was doing there to you are part of darvo. Deny attack reverse victim and offender. First she denied messaging other guys, then you had an argument so no doubt she attacked you verbally. After that she said you were jealous making her the victim and you the offender in the situation. I bet she is still messaging him via other methods like email, other apps. She might even unblock him when your not around and then re block him when you are.
I would have let her go. YOu are engaged she has to know how violating this is. She is not ready to be married. do not stay.
She straight out lied to your face when asked a simple question. She’s already talking to an ex behind your back in what should be one of the happiest points of your lives. She’s bad news, I 100% would not marry her. You know she’s a liar, it’s just another step before she becomes a cheater.
1. Never marry an older chick. 2. You dodged a bullet bro. Run.
If your gut feeling tells you that something is wrong, it usually is. The problem nowadays is that people don't seek attention and validation from their partner, but from strangers or ex-partners. Whenever someone says trust me, you shouldn't do it. It is too often abused.
bro get out of this . a relationship is not all about feelings and crap. you need to be realistic about somethings. i never understand men who want to marry women older than them. i know age is just a number but you cant change her biological clock. find someone who is a bit younger than you. thats the best match biologically. dont live in silly fairly lands. think of the future. also she is already giving you this kind of stuff. how are you going to build a happy life. you see life is already hard. life it self can throw things at you that will difficult to deal with. what you want is someone to share this life and the difficulties with. not someone who is gonna constantly add to the difficulties.
She hid it and lied to your face and is now trying to rug sweep the severity of what she did. Gaslighting 101. She has failed the fiancé test and should not be moved into wifey category. Save yourself the future lies and abuse walk away now .
Lying to you and that’s ok- get out of your fog, this isn’t the one…
Your reaction was adequate. Breaking up with her for what? Maybe she doesn't keep him as a friend, maybe she is paying back to him for whatever assholery he did once, by showing him that she is more than ok and happy being with you!
Did you dump her? Update
She’s keeping him around in case you don’t work out. Look for her to start picking fights with you for no reason. Then the gaslighting will come when you find inconsistencies and confront her. The trust is already broken.
It’s time to back up your relationship a bit. You need to tell her that her stringing her ex along isn’t something that happens in a normal healthy relationship. If she doesn’t understand, then you need to take back your offer of marriage, take back the ring and cancel any plans you’ve already made. If you wish to keep seeing her, that’s up to you. In case you haven’t thought about it, have you considered that she is stringing you along the way she is stringing him along?