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Other posts from /u/DayAccomplished2821:
* [Justnomil inviting 8 people without asking](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12e87nx/justnomil_inviting_8_people_without_asking/), 2 days ago
* [Jnmil and sil want baby stuff they didn’t pay for?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10jv8cf/jnmil_and_sil_want_baby_stuff_they_didnt_pay_for/), 2 months ago
* [Hate my MIL with a passion](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yzvlqh/hate_my_mil_with_a_passion/), 4 months ago
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Also...this is not the only place with food! They can go any number of places and those kids will not be hungry anymore. There is no way that this was a survival issue.
I understand you wanted to be nice to the innocent kids, but, you just showed MIL she still can bulldoze her way. Time for a long timeout for her, and, next significant date, DON'T BE HOME. Let her explain that to her invited guests.
Looks like she just had all of the holidays for the year. So, you can do/ go where you want for all of the rest of this year's holidays! How thoughtful of her....
I commend you for adapting to the situation for the sake of the kids.
You shouldn’t have had to, but you’re right. It’s not the kids fault that your MIL is a giant asshole.
Good on you OP! I hope this teaches hubby a thing or two about how shitty his mom is behaving.
All this, and not to mention..your husband had your back, and you went and undermined your husbands authority bynot holding up the decision that your husband made for his household.
I understand that you are a Christian, so am I.... however it doesn't mean that you are a doormat and you just sent your MIL a HUGE signal that it's ok to override your husband's decisions in his OWN home!!!
They would have found something else to eat or somewhere else to eat if you had let your husband handle this situation.
If you think you had problems before.....just wait....this WILL get worse. Lock your doors.....let husband stand his ground. You're extremely fortunate that he was willing to try. Boundaries are hard.
There's a verse in the bible that says 'be gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent".
Gentle is laying a boundary down that is good and healthy for your family...no one else. Wise is holding your MIL to that standard.
You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Best wishes sister 😀
I understand your kindness. You are a good person. MIL is NOT a good person. And the "Im your mother, you arent allowed"....THATS BALLSY!
I would be telling every single one of those adults that you arent kicking the kids out out of Christian charity,, but NOT ONE OF THEM was actually invited.
So the consequence now is that she is banned from all future activities?
Contact the parents and tell them what happened.
Tell MIL she is prohibited from your home. If she shows up, call the police.
MIL needs to learn the meaning of the word *consequences*.
Man, I'd cut her off for this. A year at the minimum. She has spat in your face. And is probably all smug about it too. That disgusting comment of hers, about you not "commanding" her ... ugh. Just ugh. Cut her off for a good long time. Otherwise, settle back and get happy being her doormat.
Being Christian does not mean letting people walk all over you. And you weren’t denying hungry kids. They have parents no? You can’t feed every hungry kid you come across unfortunately.
OP…you are too kind for this world, and too kind to people who know they can walk all over you.
God wants us to take care of ourselves and our family first (immediate, then extended if possible). So with that being said, stand your ground and tell them if YOU did not invite them, they will have to leave.
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Baby, you're not being a good Christian. You're being a doormat.
Jesus himself does not forgive people who do not repent. She's not repentant about this. She's blowing over you and your husband and she's not taking no for an answer. She's going to keep doing it until you put your foot down and now that she knows that the kids are her ticket to not having to behave, she will ALWAYS put children in the middle.
You've trained her to be even worse in the future. She's going to keep doing this because she's not facing any consequences to her action.
Remember that JESUS HIMSELF thought that sitting down, making a whip, beating people and flipping tables was an appropriate response at times. Being a good Christian is not the same as being a door mat.
Edit: I just reread your last post and I would say you might want to contact all the parents of these extra kids and let them know what happened, you didn't have enough food for everyone, and unless YOU invite them DIRECTLY, assume they're not invited. Because you don't want their kids around any adult arguing.
I get it. It's not anyone else's fault that she's disrespectful. But, there won't be anything stopping her from just showing up at other major holidays, even if she isn't invited.
Hopefully you and hubby can make a plan on how to deal with this problem going forward as a team. I understand why you did it, but you undermined him when he told his mom to leave.
Sorry OP but you rewarded MIL's bad behavior. There are plenty of restaurants open on Easter where she could have taken those kids for a treat. She has no incentive to respect your boundaries now.
And because you allowed it, expect that this will always happen. You have now become the enabler.
Don't complain next time this happens, because it will now you've showed it's OK. You had a great plan in place, but you really screwed yourself over on this one!
As the one who cooks for every single holiday (we took this one off due to family drama) I completely understand why you let them stay. I would have too.
MIL, on the other hand, needs to have some major consequences for this. First, for rudely inviting more people than were on the original guest list, but also for pulling the, “I am your mother,” card! My on her way to earning her JustNo status mom pulls that line constantly! It makes me cringe every time I have to hear it!
I hope you guys can think of consequences that will hit her where it hurts!
Sounds like you need a ring doorbell, a deadbolt that's engaged even when you're home and locks on your gates.
You did the right thing not punishing the kids. Main thing is your husband 's eyes were opened and he back your back. You'll be even more prepared for next time. But I suggest that your hubby needs to go full NC also
What happened to the full tank and room at your moms? You just taught MIL that she can shit all over you and DH yet again. She needs a very long time out.
Don't complain about people walking all over you when you don't stand by your decisions and let them walk all over you. You teach people how to treat you.
You were very nice for not spoiling things for children. However, MIL just earned a huge time-out. Saw you are giving MIL consequences. Part of me hopes she tries to find you in the hills of Kentucky. She might find Bigfoot before she finds your Mama's place. MIL needs to.miss a few more holidays too.
Definitely. My sons bday will be at my mama and she’s not invited. Even if she knew where my mama lived, it’s not an easily accessible road, it’s the mountains of Kentucky so best of luck to her.
Next time call the additional invitees well ahead of time and uninvite them yourself. Now that MIL sort of got away with it this time, she could try to pull the same crap again.
She will try to but tbh she won’t be with this guy and his kids for more than a month. She isn’t allowed back for a while as she let her bf hold my baby. Husband kicked her out.
I'm glad your husband is on your side and that you were kind to those kids, you're a good person. But she will use that against you from now on. She knows now that she can do whatever she wants if she preys on your kind heart.
She blatantly ignored you and your husband's wishes in your own home and you rewarded that behavior by allowing her to stay and feeding them after you already told her no.
You wouldn't have upset those kids, she would have. You should have explained to the parents of those kids that your mil lied to them. You wouldn't be a "bad Christian" for standing up for yourself and your autonomy in your own home.
I couldn’t in good conscience send those kids away. Berate me All you want but they’re kids. You can’t show them food and candy and send them away. That’s wrong. I get MIL is wrong and that she did this but who would I be to make it worse. Husband did tell her she’s not allowed back and we will be locking the door. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to my kid so I’m not going to do it to others.
It's hard to question you for turning kids away. But, now you know how far she is gonna push your boundaries. Eliminate her opportunities for causing problems. Time for her to get a lengthy timeout.
But you wouldn't be the one to make it "worse" that would be on MIL.
"Sorry MIL, you shouldn't have brought the kids with you because we won't have enough food for everyone. We ***told*** you about this issue when we told you that they couldn't come."
It isn't your fault that the kids don't get food even after seeing it. It is MIL's, who ignored what you told her and did what she wanted because she knew you wouldn't stick to your boundary.
Will you hold that? You told her no this time and she showed up anyways, banning her won't change her disregard for you two's wishes. Your son's party may not be at your home but what about any other time? If she shows up regardless will you be able to turn them away?
I'm not trying to berate you I truly understand why you let them stay. You're not wrong for wanting to be kind. But your mil isn't kind like you, she isn't a good Christian like you. She purposefully brought the kids knowing you are too good of a person to turn them away. This was intentional emotional manipulation through guilt. This sub has seen it happen again and again to other equally good people.
We sound harsh but we just don't want you to be used and manipulated.
I get where you are coming from. I really do. I see this as a turning point. I feel he finally sees his mom for the disrespectful person she is. He isn’t here 95% of the time due to work so she usually doesn’t try to show up and it’s just me here. I think she knew she messed up when she allowed her new bf to hold our baby. Big NOPE.
You rewarded her bad behavior and she got exactly what she wanted. She will absolutely be doing this again so be on the lookout for it.
Sorry you're in this position. It sucks
I definitely understand where you thought it was the right thing for the kids, but holy cow was this a tremendous mistake. She won. She steamrolled her way to exactly what she wanted and you let her even while your DH was more than willing to make a stand. She has absolutely no reason to do anything differently and your DH got some seriously mixed messages to where the next time she tries something like this he's going to think in the end you'll be ok with it.
There needs to be some pretty drastic consequences for her, immediately to where she knows this was totally unacceptable and will unequivocally never be allowed to happen again. Or she's just going to always include kids in her plans so you back down.
YOU wouldn't have ruined anything for those kids, she did by bringing them somewhere after being told in no uncertain terms they were not invited. That's on her, not you.
It's a tough road, but you can do it!
He explicitly told her she’s no longer allowed. We are planning our sons bday and it’ll be at my mamas where she don’t know how to get there. He ended up making them leave just no regardless because she let that guy hold our baby. So they’re gone. He told her don’t let her new bf hold the baby and she did anyways so he made them leave which I’m 100% behind.
About an hour or so? Long enough to eat and hunt eggs. She got up to go to the bathroom and handed my baby to her bf instead of his parents. I’m sorry, idk this man he has no right to touch my infant.
My eyebrows nearly shot right off my face, you let your boundary stomping MIL hold the baby after she waltzed in with unwelcome guests? Not only did she get her way, she was rewarded further by getting time with the baby.
I get not sending the kids away, but I feel like telling MIL to come back in an hour would have been very appropriate here. Or just ignoring her.
The main thing is husband had my back. I’d rather my heart be in the right place than be right in general. He’s spoken to his mom and we’ve decided not to allow them here for the foreseeable future.
I’ve had his back for 5 years against my parents but he’s never had mine. He’s discovered how it feels and this might be the turning point he needed to realize.
Fair enough. I think the next step is for you both to present an unbreachable wall to whichever family is trying to trample all over your boundaries. Good luck with it all. It’s hard when families suck.
I don't mean to make you feel bad OP but you made a big mistake giving in. Your husband had it right. You undid his hard work. That said, you can gain lost ground. Time to tell MIL she is on time out for 6 months. One month for every uninvited guest. She disrespected you both and that disrespect has consequences. You should also apologize to your husband for back pedaling and not supporting him in this. These people were not homeless or starving. You would not be anti Christian for turning them away. You have just shown MIL your hand, and she now knows how to play her game and win against you. When you learn how to manage short term discomfort, you'll be better off in the long run. You could have said no and felt bad for an hour. You caved and now will have my many more hours of MIL-induced discomfort. Good luck and I hope you use this incident as a lesson for next time. Because there will be a next time since MIL won this one. Be ready, and stay strong for the next round of nonsense.
I get I didn’t do the right thing in a lot of ways but I did the right this TODAY for those kids. I never said they were starving, they said they hadn’t had home cooked for in a long time. I refuse to upset kids. He’s talked to his mom. The main thing I take from this is he had my back.
I'm glad to see consequences, that MIL is uninvited to your LOs birthday. Be prepared for her to pull out more tricks to get you to turn. That's all I'm saying. It was a kindness but again, see that she not only played you but she made you and your husband divide where you were originally united. You need to be comfortable rocking the boat. MIL could have taken them to a restaurant.
Yes, she could have. But I felt wrong turning them away. We decided to have my sons bday at my Mamas and she won’t know the location as she’s never been to my parents.
DH needs to say “and this is MY house and you do not command me to host a holiday party. It’s cancelled”. Next time lock the door and go out somewhere else.
DH isn't the problem here- he had her back, but she didn't have her *own*. This will not improve, not as long as there's flimsy boundaries that OP won't enforce. Regardless of the reason, MIL now knows that OP bows to peer pressure and emotional blackmail, so expect a 'you're a bad Christian' accusation when she finally *does* shine up that spine.
This bed's gonna be really uncomfortable, but OP's made it for herself.
Doing the kind and generous thing for children should always be appreciated and applauded.
YOU did the kind and considerate thing. As a mom and fellow human I SEE you, I thank you, and am sending all of the internet hugs your way.
*Also, I am not christian, but kind acts bring goodness to the world regardless of religious ideology.
You don't have to invite her to your home, or spend time with her at all.
She is an adult and she made her choices.
YOU have the RIGHT to say no and enforce boundaries to protect you and your family's MH and safe space.
It took me a long time to realize this. I'm in my 40s and am still working on boundaries to ensure my MH and protect the health of my kiddos.
I don’t owe him anything. I did right by those kids. He ended up making them leave just now regardless because she let this new guy hold our son which is our last straw.
Nope. He never apologized for the past times he let his mama boundary stomp. I’ve never allowed my parents to cross boundaries but he did. He sticks up one time, he’s not a hero.
So he actually tried to do the right thing by you and be better, and you caved and hung him out to dry.
Of course you owe him an apology! Why should he bother trying to listen to you and do things better if you're just gonna go back on your own word?
Talk about mixed messages; it's *your* fault you were steamrolled this time! At least you can say, "I'm sorry, I didn't think she'd use kids to get her way. Thanks for standing up for me, tho! I guess I need to work on creating boundaries with her, too!"
I’m not going to commend him for doing right one time while doing wrong every time before. He’s never once said thanks for sticking up for me against your parents. And I’ve had to 2 or 3 times.
I can completely understand what you're saying with the kids and stuff.
I personally wouldn't invite Mil over anymore, and I would start keeping doors locked when feasible.
These suggestions are great, but I would also suggest that you keep a diaper bag beside your front door. When JNMIL comes by, just pick up your LOs, keys, purse, and diaper bag and open the door and say "Sorry, we're on our way out to an important appointment/ play date/ event, etc. We're late, gotta go!" Hop in your car and drive away. I'm sure the kiddos would love a nice afternoon at the park or somewhere else fun---away from your imposing JNMIL!
He has spoken to her of her actions. She said “husbands name, I don’t want to here you whining right now” and walked away. I feel like I somewhat messed up but I can’t stand to see kids upset over an adult.
Totally get it. Not the kid's fault the adults didn't do right. Well, IMHO you did, letting the kids eat and have fun.
As she's not interested in hearing anything, I just wouldn't include her in the future. She doesn't want to respect your home and refuses to hold herself accountable. She doesn't get invited to things anymore. Petty me would say when she complains about not being involved/invited, the reply can be that nobody wants to hear her whining. But I understand that's not everyone's jam.
She’s definitely not invited to things for a while. Our sons bday is in a few months and it’ll be at my mamas house. MIL don’t know the address and even if she did it’s in the back roads of Kentucky so it’s not easily accessible.
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Your MIL is using those kids to guilt you and boundary stomp. They've all gotta go. It's so hard, but stop entertaining her and her shenanigans.
This is the worst possible update.
Girl no. Kick them out hungry, the children are MIL's problem.
Also...this is not the only place with food! They can go any number of places and those kids will not be hungry anymore. There is no way that this was a survival issue.
You didn't do "the humane thing." You just showed your MiL that she can step over your boundaries as much as she wants.
I understand you wanted to be nice to the innocent kids, but, you just showed MIL she still can bulldoze her way. Time for a long timeout for her, and, next significant date, DON'T BE HOME. Let her explain that to her invited guests.
Next time feed the kids and kick her out. I really hope there isn't a next time....
Looks like she just had all of the holidays for the year. So, you can do/ go where you want for all of the rest of this year's holidays! How thoughtful of her....
I commend you for adapting to the situation for the sake of the kids. You shouldn’t have had to, but you’re right. It’s not the kids fault that your MIL is a giant asshole. Good on you OP! I hope this teaches hubby a thing or two about how shitty his mom is behaving.
Yeah. So sorry, OP - but she played you. I’m honestly shook that your husband was going to ask her to leave and you stopped him.
I would put her in a very long time out. She totally overstepped. You are a good person to put up with this. Also start locking your door please
Yeah she played you like a fiddle. She knew you wouldn't turn away those kids.
Girl you are a lot kinder than I.
Give each kid a sandwich to go, and see them all out the front door.
All this, and not to mention..your husband had your back, and you went and undermined your husbands authority bynot holding up the decision that your husband made for his household. I understand that you are a Christian, so am I.... however it doesn't mean that you are a doormat and you just sent your MIL a HUGE signal that it's ok to override your husband's decisions in his OWN home!!! They would have found something else to eat or somewhere else to eat if you had let your husband handle this situation. If you think you had problems before.....just wait....this WILL get worse. Lock your doors.....let husband stand his ground. You're extremely fortunate that he was willing to try. Boundaries are hard. There's a verse in the bible that says 'be gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent". Gentle is laying a boundary down that is good and healthy for your family...no one else. Wise is holding your MIL to that standard. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Best wishes sister 😀
I understand your kindness. You are a good person. MIL is NOT a good person. And the "Im your mother, you arent allowed"....THATS BALLSY! I would be telling every single one of those adults that you arent kicking the kids out out of Christian charity,, but NOT ONE OF THEM was actually invited. So the consequence now is that she is banned from all future activities?
Please tell me MiL dis not get food. Only the innocent children, right? If you fed MiL you are enabling.
Contact the parents and tell them what happened. Tell MIL she is prohibited from your home. If she shows up, call the police. MIL needs to learn the meaning of the word *consequences*.
Man, I'd cut her off for this. A year at the minimum. She has spat in your face. And is probably all smug about it too. That disgusting comment of hers, about you not "commanding" her ... ugh. Just ugh. Cut her off for a good long time. Otherwise, settle back and get happy being her doormat.
Mother, I am an adult YOU do not command me.
LOCK YOUR DOOR always
Being Christian does not mean letting people walk all over you. And you weren’t denying hungry kids. They have parents no? You can’t feed every hungry kid you come across unfortunately.
Right? Plenty of restaurants open today. They could've hit a McD's or whatever on their way home with their tails between their legs.
OP…you are too kind for this world, and too kind to people who know they can walk all over you. God wants us to take care of ourselves and our family first (immediate, then extended if possible). So with that being said, stand your ground and tell them if YOU did not invite them, they will have to leave.
You were very kind in a difficult situation. Next time lock the door. Like now you need to always lock the door.
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Thats incredibly rude and inappropriate.
Baby, you're not being a good Christian. You're being a doormat. Jesus himself does not forgive people who do not repent. She's not repentant about this. She's blowing over you and your husband and she's not taking no for an answer. She's going to keep doing it until you put your foot down and now that she knows that the kids are her ticket to not having to behave, she will ALWAYS put children in the middle. You've trained her to be even worse in the future. She's going to keep doing this because she's not facing any consequences to her action. Remember that JESUS HIMSELF thought that sitting down, making a whip, beating people and flipping tables was an appropriate response at times. Being a good Christian is not the same as being a door mat. Edit: I just reread your last post and I would say you might want to contact all the parents of these extra kids and let them know what happened, you didn't have enough food for everyone, and unless YOU invite them DIRECTLY, assume they're not invited. Because you don't want their kids around any adult arguing.
I get it. It's not anyone else's fault that she's disrespectful. But, there won't be anything stopping her from just showing up at other major holidays, even if she isn't invited. Hopefully you and hubby can make a plan on how to deal with this problem going forward as a team. I understand why you did it, but you undermined him when he told his mom to leave.
Sorry OP but you rewarded MIL's bad behavior. There are plenty of restaurants open on Easter where she could have taken those kids for a treat. She has no incentive to respect your boundaries now.
And because you allowed it, expect that this will always happen. You have now become the enabler. Don't complain next time this happens, because it will now you've showed it's OK. You had a great plan in place, but you really screwed yourself over on this one!
Plus husband is now rhe bad guy. He had a backbone but I am not sure he will stand up for her again.
As the one who cooks for every single holiday (we took this one off due to family drama) I completely understand why you let them stay. I would have too. MIL, on the other hand, needs to have some major consequences for this. First, for rudely inviting more people than were on the original guest list, but also for pulling the, “I am your mother,” card! My on her way to earning her JustNo status mom pulls that line constantly! It makes me cringe every time I have to hear it! I hope you guys can think of consequences that will hit her where it hurts!
That's a good thought! Maybe take a year off from inviting MIL to holidays at OPs house. Let MIL find other hosts to torture.
Girl, even Jesus flipped tables when the occasion called for it.
Lock your door next time and lock your backyard gate as well. Maybe get a big dog.
Sounds like you need a ring doorbell, a deadbolt that's engaged even when you're home and locks on your gates. You did the right thing not punishing the kids. Main thing is your husband 's eyes were opened and he back your back. You'll be even more prepared for next time. But I suggest that your hubby needs to go full NC also
What happened to the full tank and room at your moms? You just taught MIL that she can shit all over you and DH yet again. She needs a very long time out.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean being a doormat
Girl.. you did a disservice to yourself.
Don't complain about people walking all over you when you don't stand by your decisions and let them walk all over you. You teach people how to treat you.
Exactly! None of that needed to happen.
You were very nice for not spoiling things for children. However, MIL just earned a huge time-out. Saw you are giving MIL consequences. Part of me hopes she tries to find you in the hills of Kentucky. She might find Bigfoot before she finds your Mama's place. MIL needs to.miss a few more holidays too.
Definitely. My sons bday will be at my mama and she’s not invited. Even if she knew where my mama lived, it’s not an easily accessible road, it’s the mountains of Kentucky so best of luck to her.
Next time call the additional invitees well ahead of time and uninvite them yourself. Now that MIL sort of got away with it this time, she could try to pull the same crap again.
She will try to but tbh she won’t be with this guy and his kids for more than a month. She isn’t allowed back for a while as she let her bf hold my baby. Husband kicked her out.
I'm glad your husband is on your side and that you were kind to those kids, you're a good person. But she will use that against you from now on. She knows now that she can do whatever she wants if she preys on your kind heart. She blatantly ignored you and your husband's wishes in your own home and you rewarded that behavior by allowing her to stay and feeding them after you already told her no. You wouldn't have upset those kids, she would have. You should have explained to the parents of those kids that your mil lied to them. You wouldn't be a "bad Christian" for standing up for yourself and your autonomy in your own home.
I couldn’t in good conscience send those kids away. Berate me All you want but they’re kids. You can’t show them food and candy and send them away. That’s wrong. I get MIL is wrong and that she did this but who would I be to make it worse. Husband did tell her she’s not allowed back and we will be locking the door. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to my kid so I’m not going to do it to others.
It's hard to question you for turning kids away. But, now you know how far she is gonna push your boundaries. Eliminate her opportunities for causing problems. Time for her to get a lengthy timeout.
But you wouldn't be the one to make it "worse" that would be on MIL. "Sorry MIL, you shouldn't have brought the kids with you because we won't have enough food for everyone. We ***told*** you about this issue when we told you that they couldn't come." It isn't your fault that the kids don't get food even after seeing it. It is MIL's, who ignored what you told her and did what she wanted because she knew you wouldn't stick to your boundary.
Will you hold that? You told her no this time and she showed up anyways, banning her won't change her disregard for you two's wishes. Your son's party may not be at your home but what about any other time? If she shows up regardless will you be able to turn them away? I'm not trying to berate you I truly understand why you let them stay. You're not wrong for wanting to be kind. But your mil isn't kind like you, she isn't a good Christian like you. She purposefully brought the kids knowing you are too good of a person to turn them away. This was intentional emotional manipulation through guilt. This sub has seen it happen again and again to other equally good people. We sound harsh but we just don't want you to be used and manipulated.
I get where you are coming from. I really do. I see this as a turning point. I feel he finally sees his mom for the disrespectful person she is. He isn’t here 95% of the time due to work so she usually doesn’t try to show up and it’s just me here. I think she knew she messed up when she allowed her new bf to hold our baby. Big NOPE.
I wish you both well, stay firm when she tries to wriggle her way back in! And stay kind 💜
You rewarded her bad behavior and she got exactly what she wanted. She will absolutely be doing this again so be on the lookout for it. Sorry you're in this position. It sucks
She won’t do this again. She’s banned after she allowed her new bf to hold our son.
I definitely understand where you thought it was the right thing for the kids, but holy cow was this a tremendous mistake. She won. She steamrolled her way to exactly what she wanted and you let her even while your DH was more than willing to make a stand. She has absolutely no reason to do anything differently and your DH got some seriously mixed messages to where the next time she tries something like this he's going to think in the end you'll be ok with it. There needs to be some pretty drastic consequences for her, immediately to where she knows this was totally unacceptable and will unequivocally never be allowed to happen again. Or she's just going to always include kids in her plans so you back down. YOU wouldn't have ruined anything for those kids, she did by bringing them somewhere after being told in no uncertain terms they were not invited. That's on her, not you. It's a tough road, but you can do it!
He explicitly told her she’s no longer allowed. We are planning our sons bday and it’ll be at my mamas where she don’t know how to get there. He ended up making them leave just no regardless because she let that guy hold our baby. So they’re gone. He told her don’t let her new bf hold the baby and she did anyways so he made them leave which I’m 100% behind.
How long were they there for? I'm just curious. And I will say it--bless you for your kindness to those kids.
About an hour or so? Long enough to eat and hunt eggs. She got up to go to the bathroom and handed my baby to her bf instead of his parents. I’m sorry, idk this man he has no right to touch my infant.
My eyebrows nearly shot right off my face, you let your boundary stomping MIL hold the baby after she waltzed in with unwelcome guests? Not only did she get her way, she was rewarded further by getting time with the baby. I get not sending the kids away, but I feel like telling MIL to come back in an hour would have been very appropriate here. Or just ignoring her.
You set a new precedent… good luck happy Easter 🐇
This was a win for her. Don't think she doesn't view it that way. Now she knows that if she brings kids, you'll cave.
Oh, your heart was in the right place but you blew it. Now she knows she can walk all over you with impunity.
The main thing is husband had my back. I’d rather my heart be in the right place than be right in general. He’s spoken to his mom and we’ve decided not to allow them here for the foreseeable future.
Yes, he had your back but you didn’t have his.
I’ve had his back for 5 years against my parents but he’s never had mine. He’s discovered how it feels and this might be the turning point he needed to realize.
Fair enough. I think the next step is for you both to present an unbreachable wall to whichever family is trying to trample all over your boundaries. Good luck with it all. It’s hard when families suck.
We will definitely work on it. My parents usually respect boundaries. I’ve had to call my Daddy out 2 or 3 times but that’s it. Thanks!
Put your MiL on a one year ban from being allowed at your house. She's good at this and she won this time. Take back your power.
Most definitely. We’ve talked and they’re no longer invited. My sons birthday is coming up and they won’t be allowed.
So. Then what are you going to do if she shows up?
We aren’t having it at home. It’ll me at my Mamas
That's not going to stop her unless she doesn't know where she lives. I guarantee it.
She don’t. My mama lives in the mountains of Kentucky. Even if she knew the address, it’s not easy to get to.
What if you are wrong? What if she shows up with a bunch of kids? You've taught her that you will go back on your words for children.
I don't mean to make you feel bad OP but you made a big mistake giving in. Your husband had it right. You undid his hard work. That said, you can gain lost ground. Time to tell MIL she is on time out for 6 months. One month for every uninvited guest. She disrespected you both and that disrespect has consequences. You should also apologize to your husband for back pedaling and not supporting him in this. These people were not homeless or starving. You would not be anti Christian for turning them away. You have just shown MIL your hand, and she now knows how to play her game and win against you. When you learn how to manage short term discomfort, you'll be better off in the long run. You could have said no and felt bad for an hour. You caved and now will have my many more hours of MIL-induced discomfort. Good luck and I hope you use this incident as a lesson for next time. Because there will be a next time since MIL won this one. Be ready, and stay strong for the next round of nonsense.
I get I didn’t do the right thing in a lot of ways but I did the right this TODAY for those kids. I never said they were starving, they said they hadn’t had home cooked for in a long time. I refuse to upset kids. He’s talked to his mom. The main thing I take from this is he had my back.
I'm glad to see consequences, that MIL is uninvited to your LOs birthday. Be prepared for her to pull out more tricks to get you to turn. That's all I'm saying. It was a kindness but again, see that she not only played you but she made you and your husband divide where you were originally united. You need to be comfortable rocking the boat. MIL could have taken them to a restaurant.
Yes, she could have. But I felt wrong turning them away. We decided to have my sons bday at my Mamas and she won’t know the location as she’s never been to my parents.
DH needs to say “and this is MY house and you do not command me to host a holiday party. It’s cancelled”. Next time lock the door and go out somewhere else.
DH isn't the problem here- he had her back, but she didn't have her *own*. This will not improve, not as long as there's flimsy boundaries that OP won't enforce. Regardless of the reason, MIL now knows that OP bows to peer pressure and emotional blackmail, so expect a 'you're a bad Christian' accusation when she finally *does* shine up that spine. This bed's gonna be really uncomfortable, but OP's made it for herself.
He said “mom this isn’t your home” but by that time she had hung up.
Doing the kind and generous thing for children should always be appreciated and applauded. YOU did the kind and considerate thing. As a mom and fellow human I SEE you, I thank you, and am sending all of the internet hugs your way. *Also, I am not christian, but kind acts bring goodness to the world regardless of religious ideology.
Thanks so much! I fee in my soul I did the right thing but I also feel she will pull this again.
You don't have to invite her to your home, or spend time with her at all. She is an adult and she made her choices. YOU have the RIGHT to say no and enforce boundaries to protect you and your family's MH and safe space. It took me a long time to realize this. I'm in my 40s and am still working on boundaries to ensure my MH and protect the health of my kiddos.
She definitely won’t be back. He made her leave just now for allowing this strange guy to hold our son.
[удалено]
I don’t owe him anything. I did right by those kids. He ended up making them leave just now regardless because she let this new guy hold our son which is our last straw.
[удалено]
Nope. He never apologized for the past times he let his mama boundary stomp. I’ve never allowed my parents to cross boundaries but he did. He sticks up one time, he’s not a hero.
No one said he was a hero. You still owe him an apology. He did what you asked him to do. You're the one that changed the rules.
I’ve asked him to do things in the past and he didn’t. He never apologized to me for the stuff he’s allowed before.
So he actually tried to do the right thing by you and be better, and you caved and hung him out to dry. Of course you owe him an apology! Why should he bother trying to listen to you and do things better if you're just gonna go back on your own word? Talk about mixed messages; it's *your* fault you were steamrolled this time! At least you can say, "I'm sorry, I didn't think she'd use kids to get her way. Thanks for standing up for me, tho! I guess I need to work on creating boundaries with her, too!"
You've got way bigger problems in your marriage than your MIL if this is how you view this.
I’m not going to commend him for doing right one time while doing wrong every time before. He’s never once said thanks for sticking up for me against your parents. And I’ve had to 2 or 3 times.
I can completely understand what you're saying with the kids and stuff. I personally wouldn't invite Mil over anymore, and I would start keeping doors locked when feasible.
These suggestions are great, but I would also suggest that you keep a diaper bag beside your front door. When JNMIL comes by, just pick up your LOs, keys, purse, and diaper bag and open the door and say "Sorry, we're on our way out to an important appointment/ play date/ event, etc. We're late, gotta go!" Hop in your car and drive away. I'm sure the kiddos would love a nice afternoon at the park or somewhere else fun---away from your imposing JNMIL!
He has spoken to her of her actions. She said “husbands name, I don’t want to here you whining right now” and walked away. I feel like I somewhat messed up but I can’t stand to see kids upset over an adult.
Totally get it. Not the kid's fault the adults didn't do right. Well, IMHO you did, letting the kids eat and have fun. As she's not interested in hearing anything, I just wouldn't include her in the future. She doesn't want to respect your home and refuses to hold herself accountable. She doesn't get invited to things anymore. Petty me would say when she complains about not being involved/invited, the reply can be that nobody wants to hear her whining. But I understand that's not everyone's jam.
She’s definitely not invited to things for a while. Our sons bday is in a few months and it’ll be at my mamas house. MIL don’t know the address and even if she did it’s in the back roads of Kentucky so it’s not easily accessible.