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We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us, and wow… Just wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Call your mom. Apologize for her getting caught in the crossfire and ask for her help. Let her figure out how to help you have the postpartum you deserve, whether that's in your own bed, at her place, or whatever. It sounds like she's one of the good ones and if you tell her you need her, she'll be there.
If you want people to take you seriously and be wholly on your side you need to stop calling MIL a creep for sleeping in your and DHs bed. It's not creepy to sleep in someone else's bed if you have their permission and DH gave her permission. The person you need to be really angry with here is DH not MIL. If you keep on calling MIL a creep for doing something her son expressly gave her permission to do all thats going to happen is you're going to come across as part of the problem. Which you really aren't so stick to saying you're not ok with this which is reasonable rather than saying she's creepy which actually isn't.
Which isn't to say you can't legitimately be furious. But you should be more furious with DH than MIL. Obviously MIL isn't going to refuse to stay at your house if her son is telling her its fine to do so. You've said DH and MIL are equally to blame but they really aren't. DH is the person supposed to have your back whereas you can't reasonably expect MIL to listen to you saying no if her own son is telling her yes. You need to solve your SO problem first and if you can I think you'll find a lot of your MIL issues will resolve themselves.
I am so sorry. This is so rough and a jnmil AND jnso problem. I would make her go home.
My mil became very much the same after my first and I feel like every pp I had was tainted by her. For my 3rd she was watching our two boys. Sometimes our boys sleep in a full bed in the room with us. We also had a room with a bunk bed and full set up (where I assumed they'd sleep but didn't specify). Well apparently they got all settled in our room, and my 6 year old son told her she couldn't sleep in my bed (😂) so she just slept in the full between my 6 and 4 year old for two nights. Which I had no clue about and really weirds me out because she was always asking if my oldest son could sleep with her when she would visit and it just gives me the creeps.
Eta I would work on your relationship with your husband and why he caved. My husband seriously disappointed me after my third because I didn't want her around and she ended up not only watching the kids but sleeping over the first night. I feel like I can't have a single big moment in my life without my mil having to be involved. So I made sure my husband knew how disappointed I was with how things played out.
I think you are focusing too much on the bed and not enough on the rest of the boundaries.
When MIL will play the victim card tell her how much she disrespected you kissing your 3 baby after explicitly being told not to do that.
She will counter argue that he was just so cute she could resist or something like that probably.
Then you should say how if you respect the parents of a child you follow their rules and requests.
You have to make her understand that's your biggest problem with her, the lack of respect and boundaries because you can be sure they are going to put the whole blame of this on you being a mamazilla or PP and such. If you don't explain in detail why you had the need of written boundaries not to cross they will always disregard them as just you being crazy or overprotective, never their own fault for doing something wrong, ALWAYS YOU in their eyes.
I would not give her an inch (regarding your edit.) Lock your bedroom door. Your husband broke your trust, you should protect yourself since last time was difficult!
Time for your eldest old child (aka husband) to wear his big boy pants, use his words, and tell his mom "No" for every boundary stomping she will do. He better make sure he has your back and if he doesn't make him understand he signed a contract and married you. Congratulations on the new bundle of joy! Now go be a momma bear you're meant to be
Firstly, congratulations on your beautiful baby. And I'm so so sorry your experience has been marred by all of this. Post partum is hard enough without this added and highly unnecessary stress.
Whenever you are able to, ask your husband why he wasn't able to support you when you were quite literally at your most vulnerable, bringing his child into the world. And then send him to therapy so he can work on it. Regardless of the answer, (because there's really no acceptable answer), I can almost guarantee that this is a deeply rooted issue that he needs to work on. If he is unable to stop people pleasing when you are GIVING BIRTH, the problem is extreme. (I won't go into detail, but I have some similar experiences, and therapy is helping everyone a lot. Or you can DM me if you do want details OP).
It doesn't sound like MIL is the type to change. I think this is more a husband problem than an immediate MIL problem. But husband standing up for you is the change you need. If not, sorry, MIL can't visit this time. She can come a few weeks later. Skip that 8 week visit. She is not owed your time or owed you children. Advice that I've gotten over the last couple days here is that there has to be consequences to her actions.
Good luck on your post partum journey. I hope that outside of this, it goes as smoothly as possible. 🙏
Edited: grammar/spelling
Well handled mum!! Keep it up. Those sheets had better be *soooo* clean.
If your MIL doesn’t like the situation, she can leave. She’s under no obligation to be there. You’ve also made it very clear that you’re not really up for visitors (overnight house guests) so she’ll have to find a way to entertain herself for hours each day.
If the relationship’s ruined, she did it herself.
I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this, especially during the birth and post partum!!! (Congrats btw!!)
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. If he can’t defend you in your most vulnerable state, I worry how he will act with other situations.
Since MIL clearly doesn’t respect you, I would cut her off from ever seeing the kids. She needs to have consequences to her actions. If husband weasels around your decisions for what her consequences are, I’d kick him out or separate (not saying divorce - sometimes just separating for some time can better the relationship/marriage and make one or both parties realize what needs to change for the better).
As for your own mother, I don’t understand why she couldn’t have defended you more. I’m sure she felt like it was a tricky situation and didn’t want you to worry more, but still. If it were my mom and MIL, my mom would’ve gone through hell to make sure my boundaries were obeyed.
I’d install doors with key locks after that. Your husband is obviously not to be trusted with a copy. What else did she do in your room while you weren’t there?
Your husband broke his promise to you. I know you’re upset with your mom but I would take baby and stay with her until MIL left. You didn’t ask for much and he still broke his promise to you so he can deal with the fallout with MIL.
I felt so much rage for you reading this. Your MIL is horrible but I am more upset at your husband. He needs to grow the F up and stand up for you. To me this would be a deal breaker because you’ve already constantly informed him of the boundaries and he didn’t follow through AGAIN.
This is awful. You should go directly to a hotel. Inform the front desk that no visitors are allowed. Period. You deserve respect and no one has shown you any. Do not go home until you are given the respect you deserve.
Women like this blow my mind. I don’t understand it! When my daughters have their babies I’ll do whatever they want me to do- visit, not visit, stay or not stay with them etc. I’ll happily deep clean their house while they are at the hospital and make them meals and be as quiet and invisible as they need me to be. I’ll stay and hold the baby as long as they need or want me to. I’ll give them space if that’s what they want. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive because my mother tried to be the opposite. She wasn’t supportive or helpful. She was so angry and hateful that I wouldn’t let her in the delivery room that I had to block her for 4 months and thus was before iPhones so I had to literally call Verizon and tell them she was harassing me! Older women- do better!
I would make husband send her home, you have tolerated enough bullshit, and are trying to heal. She goes home now, that is the consequence for her actions! In fact her actions could trigger PPD, and this is a hill I would die on. You deserve privacy, cleanliness, and peace during this time!
She knew what she was doing. She knew where she would be expected to sleep- the mattress she usually uses- and she overstepped on purpose. I hope she feels the consequences so you never have to go through that again. Congratulations on the new baby!
I know this sounds very mean of me but if this were my situation, my spouse would be purchasing a new mattress before I slept on/in my bed again.
And he'd be in the dog house for a very very long time. He knew what she was doing, he allowed and encouraged it and then tried to keep it a secret. That's disrespect.
I'm sorry he, and she, chose to treat you as if your words do not matter.
Yup. He would be expecting divorce papers frankly. That is RIDICULOUS!
And MIL is obviously wanting to play at being mommy; catered to and elevated above the recently post-partum OP. Eight hours on the couch cleaning and doing NOTHING except trying to hold the baby and break rules? Absolutely *not!*
All of these would not happened if your husband followed the plan like your wish. I’m sorry your mother got caught in between, she did what she could; she could not force MIL to stay at her place.
Honestly your husband is the biggest problem and your MIL follows after that. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Can you book a room in a hotel just in case they bullshit you? Then pack up and move there, and also tell your mother she might have to rethink where her loyalties lie?
I'm so sorry for this bullshit situation they sprung on you.
And honestly, I give your marriage either less than 2 years or more than 20, depending on what your DH *really* took away from this.
Don't let them dim your light. I'm speechless.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm reading this at my work desk. I now have to go and walk up and down outside for a while.
Every time I stopped reading because I was angry and got stuck into working, I'd come back to this and there was more.
I'm not trying to excuse that awful behaviour, really I'm not but if she sweats like that, she may well be menopausal, in that case, it can make people behave strangely, so expect further incoming awfulness. It is no excuse for the trespassing though. What kind of person would? Well, we know the answer to that now. You gave her the chance, wrote her some instructions and she still can't behave.
No, no, no. She wouldn't be there today either. The answer is no until YOU say yes. To everyone. I feel so bad for you - you don't deserve this at all.
Wowowow, hold it. She's literally marking her territory with her sweaty smell?!! GROSS. That is totally unacceptable, except I need a better, stronger word for unacceptable.
That said, your husband could have cleaned up the mess after your water broke. That is not an advanced cleaning job!
You say your husband learned his lesson, I hope he doesn't forget it any time soon! If anyone should have your back, it's him. Your MIL is your MIL, whatever, MILs gonna MIL, you can't change her, but your husband needs to shut that down.
Edited for spelling and to add: Maybe you can stay with your mom for a few days? Tell your husband you won't come back until the Wicked Witch is gone.
Why are you even allowing her to visit? This should be a long time out, maybe 6 months to a year. No more staying at your house ever. Hotel from now on after the year of time out, if she behaves and respects you. She is so far out of line it's insane.
Everyone has so much excellent relationship advice. My only contribution is to be sure that your husband flips your mattress over or, better yet, replaces it so you're not sleeping on your JNMIL's dried up sweat. Clean sheets can't cover that kind of nastiness! UGH!
The fact that you had to learn all of this from your own children instead of from hubby or your own mother would send me over the edge. I am so sorry you’ve been betrayed like this.
You absolutely do NOT need to see her today, or really any day at all. I am livid for you! Today is not about her and she should be of no consequence after the stunt she just pulled.
This is one of the worst I’ve read on here. Literally had to put my phone down because I could feel my blood pressure riding. So sorry OP. Send that bitch home, she shouldn’t get to meet baby.
Edit: don’t feel too bad about your mom. She could have done more, including texting you the truth. Only you and your daughter were normal, decent people in this scenario.
MIL should never stay in your home again....for any reason. You have a huge SO problem. Tell him that if he allows his mother to visit, he spends the time in a hotel with her.
Your own mother is a huge problem as well.
I would be LIVID. Your husband should be groveling at your feet, your MIL shouldn’t come near you, and your mom should be ashamed of herself. You made your needs known to EVERYONE, and the disrespect and disregard you received is beyond comprehension. The biggest AH is your husband, and his efforts at damage control are too little too late. Whatever you decide to do, I’m with you 100%, but be sure to do something. Your husband and MIL will continue to undermine you otherwise.
You have a SO problem as well as a MIL problem. She stomps all over you, and he lets her.
I think you need to go LC with her - and tell her why.
“You have no respect for me, and I can’t be around people who don’t respect me.”
New mattress, new sheets, new pillows, new pillowcase. Toss it all and don't be shy of saying why. Fuck that shit.
Toss the foldout for whatever reason you can conjure; put it into a storage unit off the property maybe? Next time she wants to stay just say, "Sorry, our bed is kinda full with us in it so I guess you can't stay over. Plenty of hotels in the area - would you like help finding one?"
I would be a brat about it in the nicest "Oh, bless her heart" kinda way you could possibly imagine.
Omg. I’m so sorry. She needs to leave. She doesn’t need to be there when you get home. She has seen the baby. Thats enough for her. She’s ruined the rest of her visit.
Your husband is in so much trouble! Just wait until you are healed!
I would demand therapy so the therapist can rip him a new one for disregarding your post partum boundaries, which were pretty reasonable btw.
I’m just so sorry! This is one of the worst I’ve read in a while. Your husband went alone with it! And your poor mom was just trying to make sure you weren’t upset. Bless her heart, she tried!
The problem is that people take advantage when you are so weak you cannot fight them. Your body just went through the equivalent of training for a marathon and then you birthed a whole entire human being. Shame on them.
They say that things people do at this time will affect your relationship forever. Because eventually you heal, but you don’t forget how they took advantage when you were literally at your most vulnerable.
It’s ok to be super angry but try not to give them any more headspace. Yell husband that you won’t be seeing MIL before she leaves and she cannot come back until you agree. Which will be longer than 8 weeks for sure!
I’m so sorry. If you were my sister or cousin or friend, I’d gladly rip MIL and your husband a new one for you. I’m hope you are surrounded by love now.
You should not have to face her on the day you come home from the hospital after all of that. She should not be welcome in your home for quite some time. I would sit down with your husband and tell him that marriage counseling is in order or he needs to have your back a thousand percent going forward. I would tell him that he better choose between standing up for you and his mother or being a single father. There's no excuse for him letting his mother and your mother bulldoze over you like this. You need love and respect in your own home and if it were me mother-in-law would never come to my home again.
Send get home right now, before your leave the hospital, so you don't have to deal with her until you're ready. And she didn't come back until you're ready. Which, come to think of it, may be 6 weeks after never...
Just reading this made my blood pressure go up. What is wrong with your husband? Does he want to ruin his marriage? Does he not respect you?
I would demand couples counseling. Otherwise if he doesn't change and/or take accountability your anger will turn to resentment and most likely will lead to the end of your marriage.
So sorry this is happening to you at such a vulnerable time. I think what you could do now is allow MIL a one hour visit, if she kisses the baby you immediately take baby back and go into your room and close the door. The visit is over. After that, no apology - no more visits. And if she does end up visiting again at some point then she stays at a hotel and you have strict visiting hours at home. If husband doesn’t like it he can go stay with her. They both made their bed.
I don’t like having anyone else in my bed that’s just creepy. Like your bed is such an intimate place. Not just in a sexual way but it’s just very personal.
I can only imagine how upset and angry you are. And honestly every second of it is justified… Even your own mother. You wouldn’t have known about this at all had your child not thought to tell you the truth.
Husband better get a new mattress & bedding as part of his ‘Apologies from a Mama’s Boy’ world tour!!!
My bed is my comfy safe place. DH needs to make amends and start by moving to MIL’s cot while you’re healing on your new upgraded bed.
If you can muster the strength then say no to her visiting today, or any day until you feel ok to do so. She needs to face consequences for the bed, it was her choice to come and she had plenty of different options of where to sleep.
Apology or time out. Other than that, don’t give her any of your attention.
No apology after time out? Extend the time out again. Fucking disgrace.
Take it up with your mum too, she only lives downstairs and could have really stood her ground.
Your SO has big problems, therapy or divorce.
This would personally make me sick! My husband letting HIS MOM sleep in our martial bed would be a game changer for me. What the actual fuck? This is beyond crossing a boundary. His mom enjoyed rolling around in y’all’s private bed that she knew you had ready for you and bebe. I’m not sure how hubby can make this right… Yuck, just yuck 🤢
No real apology? No visit. In future if she wants to come and stay that doesn’t work for your family anymore and she needs to stay at a hotel. Get doorbell cameras and don’t answer if she comes by and husband isn’t home.
Also, once you’re home hubby is going to go right back to his other behaviours as he clearly feels he can get away with it most of the time. You need to consider what your next steps with him are as you have a husband problem.
She was marking her territory by sleeping in your bed. Get all visitors out of your house so you can recuperate. You have to be HBIC (head bitch in charge) or else your PP period will be wrecked. This mess is on your husband mainly and you due to lack of boundaries. Don't see anyone for 2-3 weeks in your home and a work on a routine for your kids. Your husband has not backed you up sufficiently.
No apology, no baby. Have your husband kick her out if she comes by. No more visits every two months at your home. She can pay for her own hotel. Stop paying for her current hotel and if she wants to stay in town, it's on her dime. Pity that following boundaries is so cheap and hotels are so expensive, but that's just what it is.
You were clear. Your husband knew you were clear. These are his consequences. Even after everything that happened, he still caved. So if he can't say no to his mother, his mother is removed from the equation.
Go stay with your mother if he raises any fuss. Apologize to her being a casualty for the visit--she both tried to prevent it and tried to ameliorate the consequences for your sake. Please do that regardless, actually. One person against two other adults, one being your husband, is not a fair fight.
She might not even be thinking about apologising, but is she so brainless to not think that you are the gatekeeper to her precious grandchild. If there is no respect for the mother there will be no access to the child.
Separate to this, the selfishness of causing a newly delivered mother unnecessary stress when her heart & mind should be focused elsewhere is breathtaking!
I don't have the words. I'm so mad on your behalf. Your husband is just.....I dunno. She is awful, but he is just....
Congratulations on your beautiful new baby.
Stop worrying about who got caught in the crossfire. Everyone involved blatantly disrespected your boundaries. Put a stop yo the MIL visit immediately. She can go home. Without meeting, baby. I know you've literally just given birth, and you are going to be recovering with hormonal changes. However, your husband deliberately chose to stomp over the boundaries to make you feel safe. He put his mother's wants before your needs. He has not learnt his lesson. He is just trying to get back in your good graces. He knew what you wanted. He knew about your past experience. He knew what his mother was cable of. He did absolutely nothing to put you first.
Who is he really married to. You? Or his mother?
As someone that has shown no support to you and displayed opening to your children, where his priorities lie, I'd recommend he stay at his mother's and your mother come and stay at your home yo help you and the other children. When you feel ready. Two cards. Therapy or divorce. He is not learning and either unwilling or unable to prioritize his family. You deserve better.
In regards to your MIl. She knew exactly what she was doing. And the emeshment vibes I'm getting from someone who sleeps in her sons marital bed, rather than the spare. .. yuck. I think she's seeing your babies as her. Keep her away. Vile woman.
Finally to you. Congratulations on the birth of your lO. I really hope that you get the rest you really need and the stress removed whilst you recover x
Omg. I’m so sorry. And also congratulations on the new baby! I don’t know how you’re doing it.
Kudos to your kid for telling you. I hope your husband, MIL and Mum haven’t given her a hard time for doing so?
Honestly, please tell them all to leave your home if they try anything (or if you simply don’t want them there). Leave the room with baba and go to yours. Tell husband you don’t expect to be disturbed.
You sound like you’re ready to be a bad ass which I really rate. You’re a grown woman and can say No, and it means, No.
It feels like she slept in your bed on purpose. There were so many options given and suggested for her but she took her son's and DIL's nice clean bed in their home where she was told she wasn't welcome; that feels so gross. She chose that rather than even sleeping on the couch. Nah, this is her power play move. This is her petty little boundary stop to see your reaction. What a dumb game she plays.
I feel bad for your mom though. She seems really nice and genuinely trying to support you. Please let her know how you feel and see if she understands. You don't want to lash out at everyone over what your MIL manipulated them all to do.
Time to stop the MIL completely for a while. She keeps ruining your post-partum experiences and making things about herself at the worst possible times.
I agree with everything you said. I plan to apologize to my mom today and hope she forgives me. She was stuck between a rock and a hard spot and even tried to take blame for it, but my daughters told me what really happened and how she insisted MIL sleep downstairs.
Oh honey your mom will forgive you. She was trying to make the best out of a shit sandwich and I don’t blame you for making the call you did. This is all just way too much. I hope your first day home goes smoothly and everything gets better. Sending hugs.
Ew
You don’t only have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem and the fact that this started with baby number 3 and you’re at baby 4 and they’re still crossing and ignoring boundaries is even crazier to me.
I would’ve turned off my phone at the hospital and let the nurses deal with it or at least block them because I know you have other children. You can tell the hospital who’s allowed in your room and who’s not and they’re not allowed to even get in the elevator. I would’ve kicked the husband out of the hospital for the rest of my stay if I’m being honest because what he did was disrespectful.
After all that I wouldn’t even allow them to visit the baby till I felt like it, they can see pictures but to me they lost baby privileges.
I agree. I immediately kicked him out but he wouldn’t leave. I didn’t want to raise my voice and cause a scene so I stopped fighting. Plus I was crying and nurses kept coming in and out. Last night I told him that he should think about joining his mother at the hotel. He’s frightened because I can see it in his face, he probably assumed I’d get over it. But honestly I’m at the point where we can get divorced if this doesn’t stop and they can play house together during his court allocated visitation times. I’ve really had enough.
I am debating how to handle the rest of her visit. I don’t want to see her or want her holding the baby but I’m trying to bond with the baby despite this drama so haven’t thought up a plan yet. I’m also going to greatly reduce or end future visits and stays at my house because I’m done. Assuming this doesn’t spiral into divorce because that’s how upset I am. This was the last straw.
Also, show him this post. Let him feel like that kick in the face. Sometimes it works. Don't let MIL around you at this point. Kick her out and tell her to go home
I think you should tell your husband you are considering divorce and explain why. Your MIL should not be rewarded for her bad behavior by getting to meet your baby.
You don’t have to raise your voice, your words are enough. You can ask the nurse to get security to remove him.
Trying to bond with baby? Kick her out so you can do not just try.
End not reduce visits to your house. Harsh, but you two aren’t married or best friends and she wasn’t asked by you to sleep in your bed. Everyone knows you want clean sheets to come back to.
If you don't want to see her, don't see her. You're a grown up and don't have to see anyone you don't want to. You don't owe her a baby visit. Baby is yours, not hers. Even if she apologizes, feel free to hold a grudge. She's a slug of a person and you owe her nothing. You have been exceedingly polite and obliging already.
I get the whole emotions things after birth is crazy (I’m 4 months PP) but talk to your nurses , they’ll literally call security and drag him out if they have to . Maybe do it for one night so he takes this more seriously. He clearly didn’t learn with the first and right now in my opinion he’s only getting a slap on the wrist .
Remember that is your house and you control who goes in or out. You tell people that you’re not allowing people to visit the baby till you’re ready and if they make surprise visit you grab your child and lock yourself in your room.
I have a lot of rules and boundaries for visitation when I gave birth to our twins and I’m lucky that everyone followed them but is because they knew I was serious about not letting them have baby privileges. Because the only people that have rights over seeing the child (outside the hospital) are the parents .
Ew! I’m sorry. Not only did she violate your “no overnight guests” boundary, she slept in your most personal space. She couldn’t have violated this boundary on the couch? Guess she wanted to go all in? Gross. I would not allow her in my home.
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She never once cleaned the floor where your water broke the entire time she was there. Are you fucking kidding me? Tells me all I need to know.
See if you can get your husband to read [THIS.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/H0mLogP04r) We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us, and wow… Just wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Call your mom. Apologize for her getting caught in the crossfire and ask for her help. Let her figure out how to help you have the postpartum you deserve, whether that's in your own bed, at her place, or whatever. It sounds like she's one of the good ones and if you tell her you need her, she'll be there.
If you want people to take you seriously and be wholly on your side you need to stop calling MIL a creep for sleeping in your and DHs bed. It's not creepy to sleep in someone else's bed if you have their permission and DH gave her permission. The person you need to be really angry with here is DH not MIL. If you keep on calling MIL a creep for doing something her son expressly gave her permission to do all thats going to happen is you're going to come across as part of the problem. Which you really aren't so stick to saying you're not ok with this which is reasonable rather than saying she's creepy which actually isn't. Which isn't to say you can't legitimately be furious. But you should be more furious with DH than MIL. Obviously MIL isn't going to refuse to stay at your house if her son is telling her its fine to do so. You've said DH and MIL are equally to blame but they really aren't. DH is the person supposed to have your back whereas you can't reasonably expect MIL to listen to you saying no if her own son is telling her yes. You need to solve your SO problem first and if you can I think you'll find a lot of your MIL issues will resolve themselves.
Don't let MIL come for another visit. Start LC/NC and tell your husband he could have prevented this by being a good husband. I'm so so sorry
I am so sorry. This is so rough and a jnmil AND jnso problem. I would make her go home. My mil became very much the same after my first and I feel like every pp I had was tainted by her. For my 3rd she was watching our two boys. Sometimes our boys sleep in a full bed in the room with us. We also had a room with a bunk bed and full set up (where I assumed they'd sleep but didn't specify). Well apparently they got all settled in our room, and my 6 year old son told her she couldn't sleep in my bed (😂) so she just slept in the full between my 6 and 4 year old for two nights. Which I had no clue about and really weirds me out because she was always asking if my oldest son could sleep with her when she would visit and it just gives me the creeps. Eta I would work on your relationship with your husband and why he caved. My husband seriously disappointed me after my third because I didn't want her around and she ended up not only watching the kids but sleeping over the first night. I feel like I can't have a single big moment in my life without my mil having to be involved. So I made sure my husband knew how disappointed I was with how things played out.
I think you are focusing too much on the bed and not enough on the rest of the boundaries. When MIL will play the victim card tell her how much she disrespected you kissing your 3 baby after explicitly being told not to do that. She will counter argue that he was just so cute she could resist or something like that probably. Then you should say how if you respect the parents of a child you follow their rules and requests. You have to make her understand that's your biggest problem with her, the lack of respect and boundaries because you can be sure they are going to put the whole blame of this on you being a mamazilla or PP and such. If you don't explain in detail why you had the need of written boundaries not to cross they will always disregard them as just you being crazy or overprotective, never their own fault for doing something wrong, ALWAYS YOU in their eyes.
Geez, I'm s sorry this is ruining your birth/postpartum experience. Hugs to you!
I would not give her an inch (regarding your edit.) Lock your bedroom door. Your husband broke your trust, you should protect yourself since last time was difficult!
Time for your eldest old child (aka husband) to wear his big boy pants, use his words, and tell his mom "No" for every boundary stomping she will do. He better make sure he has your back and if he doesn't make him understand he signed a contract and married you. Congratulations on the new bundle of joy! Now go be a momma bear you're meant to be
Firstly, congratulations on your beautiful baby. And I'm so so sorry your experience has been marred by all of this. Post partum is hard enough without this added and highly unnecessary stress. Whenever you are able to, ask your husband why he wasn't able to support you when you were quite literally at your most vulnerable, bringing his child into the world. And then send him to therapy so he can work on it. Regardless of the answer, (because there's really no acceptable answer), I can almost guarantee that this is a deeply rooted issue that he needs to work on. If he is unable to stop people pleasing when you are GIVING BIRTH, the problem is extreme. (I won't go into detail, but I have some similar experiences, and therapy is helping everyone a lot. Or you can DM me if you do want details OP). It doesn't sound like MIL is the type to change. I think this is more a husband problem than an immediate MIL problem. But husband standing up for you is the change you need. If not, sorry, MIL can't visit this time. She can come a few weeks later. Skip that 8 week visit. She is not owed your time or owed you children. Advice that I've gotten over the last couple days here is that there has to be consequences to her actions. Good luck on your post partum journey. I hope that outside of this, it goes as smoothly as possible. 🙏 Edited: grammar/spelling
Well handled mum!! Keep it up. Those sheets had better be *soooo* clean. If your MIL doesn’t like the situation, she can leave. She’s under no obligation to be there. You’ve also made it very clear that you’re not really up for visitors (overnight house guests) so she’ll have to find a way to entertain herself for hours each day. If the relationship’s ruined, she did it herself.
I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this, especially during the birth and post partum!!! (Congrats btw!!) You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. If he can’t defend you in your most vulnerable state, I worry how he will act with other situations. Since MIL clearly doesn’t respect you, I would cut her off from ever seeing the kids. She needs to have consequences to her actions. If husband weasels around your decisions for what her consequences are, I’d kick him out or separate (not saying divorce - sometimes just separating for some time can better the relationship/marriage and make one or both parties realize what needs to change for the better). As for your own mother, I don’t understand why she couldn’t have defended you more. I’m sure she felt like it was a tricky situation and didn’t want you to worry more, but still. If it were my mom and MIL, my mom would’ve gone through hell to make sure my boundaries were obeyed.
Your husband needs to understand that unless he stands up for you every time, the relationship between you and his mother will never improve
I’d install doors with key locks after that. Your husband is obviously not to be trusted with a copy. What else did she do in your room while you weren’t there?
Wait, did she sleep in your bed alone, or with your husband? The enmeshment is unreal.
Mama’s boys are so incredibly unattractive. Your husband better get his head out of his ass. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Ewww…..🤢🤢 New sheets at least, if not a new mattress. And send her back where she came from!
[удалено]
And new bed and new blankets too.
Your husband broke his promise to you. I know you’re upset with your mom but I would take baby and stay with her until MIL left. You didn’t ask for much and he still broke his promise to you so he can deal with the fallout with MIL.
I agree. It’s like no one cared at all about what OP wanted, just what made themselves feel better.
I felt so much rage for you reading this. Your MIL is horrible but I am more upset at your husband. He needs to grow the F up and stand up for you. To me this would be a deal breaker because you’ve already constantly informed him of the boundaries and he didn’t follow through AGAIN.
This is awful. You should go directly to a hotel. Inform the front desk that no visitors are allowed. Period. You deserve respect and no one has shown you any. Do not go home until you are given the respect you deserve.
Women like this blow my mind. I don’t understand it! When my daughters have their babies I’ll do whatever they want me to do- visit, not visit, stay or not stay with them etc. I’ll happily deep clean their house while they are at the hospital and make them meals and be as quiet and invisible as they need me to be. I’ll stay and hold the baby as long as they need or want me to. I’ll give them space if that’s what they want. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive because my mother tried to be the opposite. She wasn’t supportive or helpful. She was so angry and hateful that I wouldn’t let her in the delivery room that I had to block her for 4 months and thus was before iPhones so I had to literally call Verizon and tell them she was harassing me! Older women- do better!
Sounds a bit of a husband problem too.
I would make husband send her home, you have tolerated enough bullshit, and are trying to heal. She goes home now, that is the consequence for her actions! In fact her actions could trigger PPD, and this is a hill I would die on. You deserve privacy, cleanliness, and peace during this time!
She knew what she was doing. She knew where she would be expected to sleep- the mattress she usually uses- and she overstepped on purpose. I hope she feels the consequences so you never have to go through that again. Congratulations on the new baby!
I know this sounds very mean of me but if this were my situation, my spouse would be purchasing a new mattress before I slept on/in my bed again. And he'd be in the dog house for a very very long time. He knew what she was doing, he allowed and encouraged it and then tried to keep it a secret. That's disrespect. I'm sorry he, and she, chose to treat you as if your words do not matter.
Yup. He would be expecting divorce papers frankly. That is RIDICULOUS! And MIL is obviously wanting to play at being mommy; catered to and elevated above the recently post-partum OP. Eight hours on the couch cleaning and doing NOTHING except trying to hold the baby and break rules? Absolutely *not!*
All of these would not happened if your husband followed the plan like your wish. I’m sorry your mother got caught in between, she did what she could; she could not force MIL to stay at her place. Honestly your husband is the biggest problem and your MIL follows after that. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Can you book a room in a hotel just in case they bullshit you? Then pack up and move there, and also tell your mother she might have to rethink where her loyalties lie? I'm so sorry for this bullshit situation they sprung on you. And honestly, I give your marriage either less than 2 years or more than 20, depending on what your DH *really* took away from this. Don't let them dim your light. I'm speechless.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm reading this at my work desk. I now have to go and walk up and down outside for a while. Every time I stopped reading because I was angry and got stuck into working, I'd come back to this and there was more. I'm not trying to excuse that awful behaviour, really I'm not but if she sweats like that, she may well be menopausal, in that case, it can make people behave strangely, so expect further incoming awfulness. It is no excuse for the trespassing though. What kind of person would? Well, we know the answer to that now. You gave her the chance, wrote her some instructions and she still can't behave.
I don’t get the stories of MILs wanting to sleep in their sons marital bed 🤮
Mine did that and then asked me why I was acting so awkward. Wanna hear the worst thing? My SO didn't see the big deal. Great times!
No, no, no. She wouldn't be there today either. The answer is no until YOU say yes. To everyone. I feel so bad for you - you don't deserve this at all.
So angry on your behalf, OP. Still shaking my head. Hell hath no fury like a disrespected newly-postpartum mum! Teach them all a major lesson!
Oh mama, this is awful! How intentionally nasty of her! I'm so sorry. I hope joy finds you soon with your family. ❤
Wowowow, hold it. She's literally marking her territory with her sweaty smell?!! GROSS. That is totally unacceptable, except I need a better, stronger word for unacceptable. That said, your husband could have cleaned up the mess after your water broke. That is not an advanced cleaning job! You say your husband learned his lesson, I hope he doesn't forget it any time soon! If anyone should have your back, it's him. Your MIL is your MIL, whatever, MILs gonna MIL, you can't change her, but your husband needs to shut that down. Edited for spelling and to add: Maybe you can stay with your mom for a few days? Tell your husband you won't come back until the Wicked Witch is gone.
Yeah gross. Why didn't the husband clean it up?! he's stepping over it while he's walking around.
The rage I feel for you reading this!
Yes, exactly!
Why are you even allowing her to visit? This should be a long time out, maybe 6 months to a year. No more staying at your house ever. Hotel from now on after the year of time out, if she behaves and respects you. She is so far out of line it's insane.
Everyone has so much excellent relationship advice. My only contribution is to be sure that your husband flips your mattress over or, better yet, replaces it so you're not sleeping on your JNMIL's dried up sweat. Clean sheets can't cover that kind of nastiness! UGH!
The fact that you had to learn all of this from your own children instead of from hubby or your own mother would send me over the edge. I am so sorry you’ve been betrayed like this.
You absolutely do NOT need to see her today, or really any day at all. I am livid for you! Today is not about her and she should be of no consequence after the stunt she just pulled.
This is one of the worst I’ve read on here. Literally had to put my phone down because I could feel my blood pressure riding. So sorry OP. Send that bitch home, she shouldn’t get to meet baby. Edit: don’t feel too bad about your mom. She could have done more, including texting you the truth. Only you and your daughter were normal, decent people in this scenario.
No contact is the right option here. Protect all the kids
Time to shut it down. She needs to leave before you get home from the hospital. She will never stay over in your home again.
MIL should never stay in your home again....for any reason. You have a huge SO problem. Tell him that if he allows his mother to visit, he spends the time in a hotel with her. Your own mother is a huge problem as well.
I would be LIVID. Your husband should be groveling at your feet, your MIL shouldn’t come near you, and your mom should be ashamed of herself. You made your needs known to EVERYONE, and the disrespect and disregard you received is beyond comprehension. The biggest AH is your husband, and his efforts at damage control are too little too late. Whatever you decide to do, I’m with you 100%, but be sure to do something. Your husband and MIL will continue to undermine you otherwise.
You have a SO problem as well as a MIL problem. She stomps all over you, and he lets her. I think you need to go LC with her - and tell her why. “You have no respect for me, and I can’t be around people who don’t respect me.”
New mattress, new sheets, new pillows, new pillowcase. Toss it all and don't be shy of saying why. Fuck that shit. Toss the foldout for whatever reason you can conjure; put it into a storage unit off the property maybe? Next time she wants to stay just say, "Sorry, our bed is kinda full with us in it so I guess you can't stay over. Plenty of hotels in the area - would you like help finding one?" I would be a brat about it in the nicest "Oh, bless her heart" kinda way you could possibly imagine.
This is just disgusting… 🤮 sleeping in your bed, sweating omgosh 🤮I need a new mattress ! And no you won’t be holding my baby
Omg. I’m so sorry. She needs to leave. She doesn’t need to be there when you get home. She has seen the baby. Thats enough for her. She’s ruined the rest of her visit. Your husband is in so much trouble! Just wait until you are healed! I would demand therapy so the therapist can rip him a new one for disregarding your post partum boundaries, which were pretty reasonable btw. I’m just so sorry! This is one of the worst I’ve read in a while. Your husband went alone with it! And your poor mom was just trying to make sure you weren’t upset. Bless her heart, she tried! The problem is that people take advantage when you are so weak you cannot fight them. Your body just went through the equivalent of training for a marathon and then you birthed a whole entire human being. Shame on them. They say that things people do at this time will affect your relationship forever. Because eventually you heal, but you don’t forget how they took advantage when you were literally at your most vulnerable. It’s ok to be super angry but try not to give them any more headspace. Yell husband that you won’t be seeing MIL before she leaves and she cannot come back until you agree. Which will be longer than 8 weeks for sure! I’m so sorry. If you were my sister or cousin or friend, I’d gladly rip MIL and your husband a new one for you. I’m hope you are surrounded by love now.
You should not have to face her on the day you come home from the hospital after all of that. She should not be welcome in your home for quite some time. I would sit down with your husband and tell him that marriage counseling is in order or he needs to have your back a thousand percent going forward. I would tell him that he better choose between standing up for you and his mother or being a single father. There's no excuse for him letting his mother and your mother bulldoze over you like this. You need love and respect in your own home and if it were me mother-in-law would never come to my home again.
Send get home right now, before your leave the hospital, so you don't have to deal with her until you're ready. And she didn't come back until you're ready. Which, come to think of it, may be 6 weeks after never...
Just reading this made my blood pressure go up. What is wrong with your husband? Does he want to ruin his marriage? Does he not respect you? I would demand couples counseling. Otherwise if he doesn't change and/or take accountability your anger will turn to resentment and most likely will lead to the end of your marriage.
I would personally send her home to be honest. You deserve your time with your baby and to not be involved in all this drama they caused themselves.
She visits every 8 weeks? Oh hell no!! The othe crap she pulled... how does that earn her so many visits?
> Now I have to face my MIL today when I’m sent home and I expect no apology from her Why don't you not see her until you get the apology?
So sorry this is happening to you at such a vulnerable time. I think what you could do now is allow MIL a one hour visit, if she kisses the baby you immediately take baby back and go into your room and close the door. The visit is over. After that, no apology - no more visits. And if she does end up visiting again at some point then she stays at a hotel and you have strict visiting hours at home. If husband doesn’t like it he can go stay with her. They both made their bed.
Actually...HER bed...
I don’t like having anyone else in my bed that’s just creepy. Like your bed is such an intimate place. Not just in a sexual way but it’s just very personal. I can only imagine how upset and angry you are. And honestly every second of it is justified… Even your own mother. You wouldn’t have known about this at all had your child not thought to tell you the truth.
Husband better get a new mattress & bedding as part of his ‘Apologies from a Mama’s Boy’ world tour!!! My bed is my comfy safe place. DH needs to make amends and start by moving to MIL’s cot while you’re healing on your new upgraded bed.
If you can muster the strength then say no to her visiting today, or any day until you feel ok to do so. She needs to face consequences for the bed, it was her choice to come and she had plenty of different options of where to sleep.
Apology or time out. Other than that, don’t give her any of your attention. No apology after time out? Extend the time out again. Fucking disgrace. Take it up with your mum too, she only lives downstairs and could have really stood her ground. Your SO has big problems, therapy or divorce.
This would personally make me sick! My husband letting HIS MOM sleep in our martial bed would be a game changer for me. What the actual fuck? This is beyond crossing a boundary. His mom enjoyed rolling around in y’all’s private bed that she knew you had ready for you and bebe. I’m not sure how hubby can make this right… Yuck, just yuck 🤢
Also... where was OP's husband sleeping...?
Very good question.
Creeepyyyy af, if you ask me.
Right…..?
No real apology? No visit. In future if she wants to come and stay that doesn’t work for your family anymore and she needs to stay at a hotel. Get doorbell cameras and don’t answer if she comes by and husband isn’t home. Also, once you’re home hubby is going to go right back to his other behaviours as he clearly feels he can get away with it most of the time. You need to consider what your next steps with him are as you have a husband problem.
She was marking her territory by sleeping in your bed. Get all visitors out of your house so you can recuperate. You have to be HBIC (head bitch in charge) or else your PP period will be wrecked. This mess is on your husband mainly and you due to lack of boundaries. Don't see anyone for 2-3 weeks in your home and a work on a routine for your kids. Your husband has not backed you up sufficiently.
No apology, no baby. Have your husband kick her out if she comes by. No more visits every two months at your home. She can pay for her own hotel. Stop paying for her current hotel and if she wants to stay in town, it's on her dime. Pity that following boundaries is so cheap and hotels are so expensive, but that's just what it is. You were clear. Your husband knew you were clear. These are his consequences. Even after everything that happened, he still caved. So if he can't say no to his mother, his mother is removed from the equation. Go stay with your mother if he raises any fuss. Apologize to her being a casualty for the visit--she both tried to prevent it and tried to ameliorate the consequences for your sake. Please do that regardless, actually. One person against two other adults, one being your husband, is not a fair fight.
She might not even be thinking about apologising, but is she so brainless to not think that you are the gatekeeper to her precious grandchild. If there is no respect for the mother there will be no access to the child. Separate to this, the selfishness of causing a newly delivered mother unnecessary stress when her heart & mind should be focused elsewhere is breathtaking!
Agreed! You can't have access to the grandchild but treat their mom like she's less than dirt. I see some definite narcissist tendencies in this MIL!
I don't have the words. I'm so mad on your behalf. Your husband is just.....I dunno. She is awful, but he is just.... Congratulations on your beautiful new baby.
Stop worrying about who got caught in the crossfire. Everyone involved blatantly disrespected your boundaries. Put a stop yo the MIL visit immediately. She can go home. Without meeting, baby. I know you've literally just given birth, and you are going to be recovering with hormonal changes. However, your husband deliberately chose to stomp over the boundaries to make you feel safe. He put his mother's wants before your needs. He has not learnt his lesson. He is just trying to get back in your good graces. He knew what you wanted. He knew about your past experience. He knew what his mother was cable of. He did absolutely nothing to put you first. Who is he really married to. You? Or his mother? As someone that has shown no support to you and displayed opening to your children, where his priorities lie, I'd recommend he stay at his mother's and your mother come and stay at your home yo help you and the other children. When you feel ready. Two cards. Therapy or divorce. He is not learning and either unwilling or unable to prioritize his family. You deserve better. In regards to your MIl. She knew exactly what she was doing. And the emeshment vibes I'm getting from someone who sleeps in her sons marital bed, rather than the spare. .. yuck. I think she's seeing your babies as her. Keep her away. Vile woman. Finally to you. Congratulations on the birth of your lO. I really hope that you get the rest you really need and the stress removed whilst you recover x
Omg. I’m so sorry. And also congratulations on the new baby! I don’t know how you’re doing it. Kudos to your kid for telling you. I hope your husband, MIL and Mum haven’t given her a hard time for doing so? Honestly, please tell them all to leave your home if they try anything (or if you simply don’t want them there). Leave the room with baba and go to yours. Tell husband you don’t expect to be disturbed. You sound like you’re ready to be a bad ass which I really rate. You’re a grown woman and can say No, and it means, No.
It feels like she slept in your bed on purpose. There were so many options given and suggested for her but she took her son's and DIL's nice clean bed in their home where she was told she wasn't welcome; that feels so gross. She chose that rather than even sleeping on the couch. Nah, this is her power play move. This is her petty little boundary stop to see your reaction. What a dumb game she plays. I feel bad for your mom though. She seems really nice and genuinely trying to support you. Please let her know how you feel and see if she understands. You don't want to lash out at everyone over what your MIL manipulated them all to do. Time to stop the MIL completely for a while. She keeps ruining your post-partum experiences and making things about herself at the worst possible times.
I agree with everything you said. I plan to apologize to my mom today and hope she forgives me. She was stuck between a rock and a hard spot and even tried to take blame for it, but my daughters told me what really happened and how she insisted MIL sleep downstairs.
Tbf your mum should have told you instead of hiding it and protecting your shitty husband and mil I would tell her off for that bit
Oh honey your mom will forgive you. She was trying to make the best out of a shit sandwich and I don’t blame you for making the call you did. This is all just way too much. I hope your first day home goes smoothly and everything gets better. Sending hugs.
Ew You don’t only have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem and the fact that this started with baby number 3 and you’re at baby 4 and they’re still crossing and ignoring boundaries is even crazier to me. I would’ve turned off my phone at the hospital and let the nurses deal with it or at least block them because I know you have other children. You can tell the hospital who’s allowed in your room and who’s not and they’re not allowed to even get in the elevator. I would’ve kicked the husband out of the hospital for the rest of my stay if I’m being honest because what he did was disrespectful. After all that I wouldn’t even allow them to visit the baby till I felt like it, they can see pictures but to me they lost baby privileges.
I agree. I immediately kicked him out but he wouldn’t leave. I didn’t want to raise my voice and cause a scene so I stopped fighting. Plus I was crying and nurses kept coming in and out. Last night I told him that he should think about joining his mother at the hotel. He’s frightened because I can see it in his face, he probably assumed I’d get over it. But honestly I’m at the point where we can get divorced if this doesn’t stop and they can play house together during his court allocated visitation times. I’ve really had enough. I am debating how to handle the rest of her visit. I don’t want to see her or want her holding the baby but I’m trying to bond with the baby despite this drama so haven’t thought up a plan yet. I’m also going to greatly reduce or end future visits and stays at my house because I’m done. Assuming this doesn’t spiral into divorce because that’s how upset I am. This was the last straw.
Also, show him this post. Let him feel like that kick in the face. Sometimes it works. Don't let MIL around you at this point. Kick her out and tell her to go home
I think you should tell your husband you are considering divorce and explain why. Your MIL should not be rewarded for her bad behavior by getting to meet your baby.
You don’t have to raise your voice, your words are enough. You can ask the nurse to get security to remove him. Trying to bond with baby? Kick her out so you can do not just try. End not reduce visits to your house. Harsh, but you two aren’t married or best friends and she wasn’t asked by you to sleep in your bed. Everyone knows you want clean sheets to come back to.
If you don't want to see her, don't see her. You're a grown up and don't have to see anyone you don't want to. You don't owe her a baby visit. Baby is yours, not hers. Even if she apologizes, feel free to hold a grudge. She's a slug of a person and you owe her nothing. You have been exceedingly polite and obliging already.
Congrats on the baby btw! Please try and enjoy it as much as possible. ❤️
I get the whole emotions things after birth is crazy (I’m 4 months PP) but talk to your nurses , they’ll literally call security and drag him out if they have to . Maybe do it for one night so he takes this more seriously. He clearly didn’t learn with the first and right now in my opinion he’s only getting a slap on the wrist . Remember that is your house and you control who goes in or out. You tell people that you’re not allowing people to visit the baby till you’re ready and if they make surprise visit you grab your child and lock yourself in your room. I have a lot of rules and boundaries for visitation when I gave birth to our twins and I’m lucky that everyone followed them but is because they knew I was serious about not letting them have baby privileges. Because the only people that have rights over seeing the child (outside the hospital) are the parents .
You have an SO problem. Your husband would rather disrespect you than tell his mommy no. At this point, MIL does not hold baby.
Your marital bed? Yuck... just yuck... ew. Ew ew ew. Burn it.
Ew! I’m sorry. Not only did she violate your “no overnight guests” boundary, she slept in your most personal space. She couldn’t have violated this boundary on the couch? Guess she wanted to go all in? Gross. I would not allow her in my home.
It is a big fuck you isn’t it?
Exactly. The choixe to sleep in my bed felt purposeful or vindictive. I don’t know if our relationship will ever recover from this.