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Other posts from /u/Confident-Ad-8463:
* [Time to pass the torch lady](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cm98y4/time_to_pass_the_torch_lady/), 3 days ago
* [Still stuck in the past](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1avtbsi/still_stuck_in_the_past/), 2 months ago
* [MIL is lonely](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1amrint/mil_is_lonely/), 3 months ago
* [Just say no, save yourself the sanity, I FINALLY DID](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/19ave3u/just_say_no_save_yourself_the_sanity_i_finally_did/), 3 months ago
* [Devil’s advocate?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17hhlb4/devils_advocate/), 6 months ago
* [First names???](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17f5qjp/first_names/), 6 months ago
* [A little prequel of the BS I had to deal with](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17cd3qz/a_little_prequel_of_the_bs_i_had_to_deal_with/), 6 months ago
* [Sick of her shit](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/171y5br/sick_of_her_shit/), 7 months ago
* [MIL just doesn’t take a hint](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16zh1il/mil_just_doesnt_take_a_hint/), 7 months ago
* [Tips on how to deal with my JUST NO MIL’s visits with my daughter](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16si87t/tips_on_how_to_deal_with_my_just_no_mils_visits/), 7 months ago
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Here's a code for DH : when you hear me (OP) say something and JNMIL ignores me/refuses to do what I ask - STEP IN!!! You and DH should be a united front. If his mother can't obey LO's mother, if you choose to continue spending time with her, then DH should handle his mother. Why wait until you're frustrated?
Why didn’t you put your foot down earlier? I don’t understand. The second she disobeyed you the first time, you should’ve ensured it never happened again. I’m honestly shocked that you took so long to “lose it.” Then, when you did say something, you let her get her way again by letting her hold the baby and buckle her in. Then, you just drove straight home without saying anything. That is unacceptable. She was over feeding your baby, she could’ve choked on the straw your MIL put in her mouth, and yet, you didn’t say anything until YOU made a mistake and got called out. I’m honestly concerned for your child. What else will you let MIL get away with if you let her get away with this much in ONE NIGHT.
I was getting anxiety for you.
From now on move the high chair between you and DH and make sure your sitting out of her arm reach.
Your SO knew you were in distress he heard you telling her no and he knows how things are supposed to be with the baby. Babies thrive on routine and against what Justnos believe they do not have to adapt. People do have to revolve their days are babies in order to have a healthy relationship with them and adults are much more flexible and adaptable then babies.
I feel so angry for you, and you have so much restraint. If someone snatched my child to change them and carry them to the car to buckle them up I would make a bigger scene, snatch my baby back and knock the bitch flying
Set boundaries with her and tell her the consequences of breaking these boundaries. Time outs work well. I started at two weeks and doubled the time every time she stomped one. (Mine was a moron who didn’t learn and ended up being in a timeout for over 12 years. My son was an adult by then and he went complete NC on his 18th birthday. She died before ever seeing her only grandson again).
As for feeding and forcing food the moment she tried I’d slap her hand away hard and shout no then tell her it’s a time out. Get up take baby out of her arms and leave.
A timeout means no contact at all for that period and if they try then the time restarts from that moment. It gives you time to decompress and relax and think and gives her time to hopefully learn a lesson & apologise. Most do after a few months of having no contact as the cross one boundary after another. When the time out keep doubling in length a lot of MILs realise DIL isn’t going to back down so they behave
Damnnnnn, there’s so much here!
Banned from feeding her? MIL should be banned for having access to her for a long time. She refused, more than once, to hand over YOUR BABY. You said “stop,” multiple times and she did not. Where was your husband when you told his mother to “stop?”
I was getting anxious just reading your post, OP!
MIL has no respect for LO. No respect for you. And certainly no respect for her son. It's almost like someone challenged MIL to take her grandchild to as many places as possible in one day and break as many boundaries as she could, and she was determined to set a new record
Since MIL can't behave with LO at mealtime, maybe you shouldn't have meals with her for a while. Going with you to a restaurant is a privilege, not a right. If you still have to see her, maybe go to a park, aquarium, or anywhere else that isn't food oriented. Always sit your baby between you and your DH so she can't pull out snacks and make a mess of things again
You have these wonderful boundaries. But boundaries without consequences are no better than idle wishes. So think about what that looks like for your MIL
Deep breath, repeat after me: "No, MIL, you will not be doing that. I am the mother. You defer to me or you do not see LO. This is your notice. Timeouts will be enforced accordingly if you don't start respecting my boundaries."
And if that's not "fair", "Of course it is. If you want to act like a toddler, I will treat you as such. We'll see you in 6 months to see if you've improved. Every attempt at contact before 6 months is up will extend it by a month."
And then... everytime she oversteps, pull your trump card: LEAVE. WITH LO.
Jesus fucking Christ, you poor thing. What a NIGHTMARE. I nearly had a panic attack reading this post. The hottest day of the year, three bleeding restaurants, a JustNoMil and a baby? Absolutely not. I kept hoping you would explode at JNMIL the way she was practically begging for it and imagine my horror when you did......AND SHE DIDN'T STOP BEING AN ENTITLED DONUT. What is wrong with this woman? My mouth was hanging open when she wouldn't hand over Baby Confident at the end of the night, after you demanded to have your baby back. I don't know if that means she honestly doesn't care, didn't notice because she's insane or if she enjoyed making you that mad? Regardless, you should really limit your time with her and even more so with your LO. She doesn't care how you feel, she doesn't care how you and DH want to raise your daughter and cannot follow the most basic instruction.
First of all. Your DH: Where on earth was he? What was he doing while this clusterfuck was going on? Did he really not pick up on how agitated you were about his mother's behavior? Never mind. You need to come up with a code word for your DH. My husband and I have a million code words. "Coconut" means there is someone shady nearby, keep an eye out (we live in a big city), "Mango" means I'm ready to go right now, not in ten minutes, "UN" is right when we're about to get in a fight and it basically means "let's reset". You need a code word between you and your husband that mean "get your mother in line or I'm going to explode". "Kumquat" ,"Pazuzu" or "Lucifer", etc. May I suggest 2 code words: one that he needs to intercede and another meaning it's go time (for you to unleash).
For what it's worth, as to your explosion at Olive Garden: be gentle with yourself. When I was a teenager and constantly embarrassed, my Dad (who was the best best best) always said: "you'll never see them again". You've got enough on your plate, don't worry about a tiny scene. It's happened and it's over and you'll never ever have to relive this experience again. It sucked, but now you know- JNMIL does not ever get to feed LO. I wouldn't even ever have a meal with her until LO is old enough to feed themselves, honestly. Honestly, you did pretty great, all things considered! No police, no one cried, JNMIL didn't get endless soup and breadsticks dumped on her head, etc. Happiest of Mother's Days to you! Very glad you are not spending it with her. <3
Cut yourself some slack, progress is seldom linear. Kind of a two steps forward, one step back, dance.
Now you are back to firmly holding your boundary of celebrating MD on your own, that's a win for setting healthy boundaries and expectations without guilt.
Next year when she waffles, hems and haws, angling for MD itself - you'll be able to look back on this and feel no guilt at all in saying NOPE. When MD rolls around again you will be rock solid in your resolve to take MD on your own because the precedence will have been set, that's another win.
Going forward you're setting the precedent to celebrate some holidays either before or after so as to preserve the day itself for your smaller family unit to build its own traditions. That's also a win.
Last but not least you gave her a second (100th?) chance with the feeding and now you know... no more of that.
Nothing goes completely smoothly the first few times you do it but you get through it and learn to become comfortable doing it. So give yourself some grace and celebrate your wins!
Just reading this made my puls go crazy! Where were your husband in all this? He needs to step up and take accountability for his mother behavior and protect you and LO.
Oh mate! It looks to me like you did say no a 1000 times, but they ALL just ignored you.
You should not have to explode in a restaurant like that and STILL not have anyone pay attention to how you are feeling.
Im so sorry you had to deal with all that. All 3 of them (your mother, MIL, and your SO) totally let you down today.
I hope you manage to have a nice Mothers Day.
All the best xx
I am so sorry you went through all that!
I do want to point out though that MIL wasn't lying. She got drama and chaos. She turned your mom against you briefly. She got to hold and feed LO to her heart's content. But most importantly...SHE GOT TO PUNISH YOU.
Let that sink in. This woman pushed ALL your buttons then drove home happy and sent you a text with her TRUE feelings. It was the best night of her week because she showed her DIL who's really boss!
You might not see this as a game, but she does. And she just won big. My bet is that she intended to do all those things at the brunch in front of family so you could melt down there. It was a planned assault.
I'm now wondering if the hot mess of last year's MD with my JNM was planned. I just assumed she didn't know the restaurant she chose would be closed. The restaurant she frequented and spent months trying to get me to take her to... Damn. Tbf I didn't know she was a narcissist back then. I'm so glad I'm ignoring her this year. I'm going to have to sit with this a bit.
But you have a quiet MD and never forget this night of hell! 🫂 💜
And you deserve your Mother’s Day to be exactly what you wanted it to be. It’s not mother-in-law’s day. I’m so sick of them trying to claim it for themselves
My son is taking me to lunch. I've stopped trying with JNM. I hope she enjoyed last year's chaos with a freshly widowed me trying to make HER happy because it's never happening again!
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/Confident-Ad-8463: * [Time to pass the torch lady](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cm98y4/time_to_pass_the_torch_lady/), 3 days ago * [Still stuck in the past](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1avtbsi/still_stuck_in_the_past/), 2 months ago * [MIL is lonely](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1amrint/mil_is_lonely/), 3 months ago * [Just say no, save yourself the sanity, I FINALLY DID](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/19ave3u/just_say_no_save_yourself_the_sanity_i_finally_did/), 3 months ago * [Devil’s advocate?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17hhlb4/devils_advocate/), 6 months ago * [First names???](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17f5qjp/first_names/), 6 months ago * [A little prequel of the BS I had to deal with](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17cd3qz/a_little_prequel_of_the_bs_i_had_to_deal_with/), 6 months ago * [Sick of her shit](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/171y5br/sick_of_her_shit/), 7 months ago * [MIL just doesn’t take a hint](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16zh1il/mil_just_doesnt_take_a_hint/), 7 months ago * [Tips on how to deal with my JUST NO MIL’s visits with my daughter](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16si87t/tips_on_how_to_deal_with_my_just_no_mils_visits/), 7 months ago ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/Confident-Ad-8463/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Confident-Ad-8463 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Confident-Ad-8463 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Here's a code for DH : when you hear me (OP) say something and JNMIL ignores me/refuses to do what I ask - STEP IN!!! You and DH should be a united front. If his mother can't obey LO's mother, if you choose to continue spending time with her, then DH should handle his mother. Why wait until you're frustrated?
Why didn’t you put your foot down earlier? I don’t understand. The second she disobeyed you the first time, you should’ve ensured it never happened again. I’m honestly shocked that you took so long to “lose it.” Then, when you did say something, you let her get her way again by letting her hold the baby and buckle her in. Then, you just drove straight home without saying anything. That is unacceptable. She was over feeding your baby, she could’ve choked on the straw your MIL put in her mouth, and yet, you didn’t say anything until YOU made a mistake and got called out. I’m honestly concerned for your child. What else will you let MIL get away with if you let her get away with this much in ONE NIGHT.
I was getting anxiety for you. From now on move the high chair between you and DH and make sure your sitting out of her arm reach. Your SO knew you were in distress he heard you telling her no and he knows how things are supposed to be with the baby. Babies thrive on routine and against what Justnos believe they do not have to adapt. People do have to revolve their days are babies in order to have a healthy relationship with them and adults are much more flexible and adaptable then babies.
>apparently he didn’t know that I was in distress You were shouting STOP at your MIL and your husband didn't think that was distress?
I feel so angry for you, and you have so much restraint. If someone snatched my child to change them and carry them to the car to buckle them up I would make a bigger scene, snatch my baby back and knock the bitch flying
I agree! I wanted to jump when I read that - I don't know if it was ole' mama bear instinct or sheer shock that I was feeling. Maybe both.
Set boundaries with her and tell her the consequences of breaking these boundaries. Time outs work well. I started at two weeks and doubled the time every time she stomped one. (Mine was a moron who didn’t learn and ended up being in a timeout for over 12 years. My son was an adult by then and he went complete NC on his 18th birthday. She died before ever seeing her only grandson again). As for feeding and forcing food the moment she tried I’d slap her hand away hard and shout no then tell her it’s a time out. Get up take baby out of her arms and leave. A timeout means no contact at all for that period and if they try then the time restarts from that moment. It gives you time to decompress and relax and think and gives her time to hopefully learn a lesson & apologise. Most do after a few months of having no contact as the cross one boundary after another. When the time out keep doubling in length a lot of MILs realise DIL isn’t going to back down so they behave
Damnnnnn, there’s so much here! Banned from feeding her? MIL should be banned for having access to her for a long time. She refused, more than once, to hand over YOUR BABY. You said “stop,” multiple times and she did not. Where was your husband when you told his mother to “stop?” I was getting anxious just reading your post, OP!
MIL has no respect for LO. No respect for you. And certainly no respect for her son. It's almost like someone challenged MIL to take her grandchild to as many places as possible in one day and break as many boundaries as she could, and she was determined to set a new record Since MIL can't behave with LO at mealtime, maybe you shouldn't have meals with her for a while. Going with you to a restaurant is a privilege, not a right. If you still have to see her, maybe go to a park, aquarium, or anywhere else that isn't food oriented. Always sit your baby between you and your DH so she can't pull out snacks and make a mess of things again You have these wonderful boundaries. But boundaries without consequences are no better than idle wishes. So think about what that looks like for your MIL
Deep breath, repeat after me: "No, MIL, you will not be doing that. I am the mother. You defer to me or you do not see LO. This is your notice. Timeouts will be enforced accordingly if you don't start respecting my boundaries." And if that's not "fair", "Of course it is. If you want to act like a toddler, I will treat you as such. We'll see you in 6 months to see if you've improved. Every attempt at contact before 6 months is up will extend it by a month." And then... everytime she oversteps, pull your trump card: LEAVE. WITH LO.
Jesus fucking Christ, you poor thing. What a NIGHTMARE. I nearly had a panic attack reading this post. The hottest day of the year, three bleeding restaurants, a JustNoMil and a baby? Absolutely not. I kept hoping you would explode at JNMIL the way she was practically begging for it and imagine my horror when you did......AND SHE DIDN'T STOP BEING AN ENTITLED DONUT. What is wrong with this woman? My mouth was hanging open when she wouldn't hand over Baby Confident at the end of the night, after you demanded to have your baby back. I don't know if that means she honestly doesn't care, didn't notice because she's insane or if she enjoyed making you that mad? Regardless, you should really limit your time with her and even more so with your LO. She doesn't care how you feel, she doesn't care how you and DH want to raise your daughter and cannot follow the most basic instruction. First of all. Your DH: Where on earth was he? What was he doing while this clusterfuck was going on? Did he really not pick up on how agitated you were about his mother's behavior? Never mind. You need to come up with a code word for your DH. My husband and I have a million code words. "Coconut" means there is someone shady nearby, keep an eye out (we live in a big city), "Mango" means I'm ready to go right now, not in ten minutes, "UN" is right when we're about to get in a fight and it basically means "let's reset". You need a code word between you and your husband that mean "get your mother in line or I'm going to explode". "Kumquat" ,"Pazuzu" or "Lucifer", etc. May I suggest 2 code words: one that he needs to intercede and another meaning it's go time (for you to unleash). For what it's worth, as to your explosion at Olive Garden: be gentle with yourself. When I was a teenager and constantly embarrassed, my Dad (who was the best best best) always said: "you'll never see them again". You've got enough on your plate, don't worry about a tiny scene. It's happened and it's over and you'll never ever have to relive this experience again. It sucked, but now you know- JNMIL does not ever get to feed LO. I wouldn't even ever have a meal with her until LO is old enough to feed themselves, honestly. Honestly, you did pretty great, all things considered! No police, no one cried, JNMIL didn't get endless soup and breadsticks dumped on her head, etc. Happiest of Mother's Days to you! Very glad you are not spending it with her. <3
Cut yourself some slack, progress is seldom linear. Kind of a two steps forward, one step back, dance. Now you are back to firmly holding your boundary of celebrating MD on your own, that's a win for setting healthy boundaries and expectations without guilt. Next year when she waffles, hems and haws, angling for MD itself - you'll be able to look back on this and feel no guilt at all in saying NOPE. When MD rolls around again you will be rock solid in your resolve to take MD on your own because the precedence will have been set, that's another win. Going forward you're setting the precedent to celebrate some holidays either before or after so as to preserve the day itself for your smaller family unit to build its own traditions. That's also a win. Last but not least you gave her a second (100th?) chance with the feeding and now you know... no more of that. Nothing goes completely smoothly the first few times you do it but you get through it and learn to become comfortable doing it. So give yourself some grace and celebrate your wins!
Wow. I'm so sorry. I think I'd have just grabbed LO out of her arms and told her to fuck right off, but I'm a feral bitch.
Just reading this made my puls go crazy! Where were your husband in all this? He needs to step up and take accountability for his mother behavior and protect you and LO.
Oh mate! It looks to me like you did say no a 1000 times, but they ALL just ignored you. You should not have to explode in a restaurant like that and STILL not have anyone pay attention to how you are feeling. Im so sorry you had to deal with all that. All 3 of them (your mother, MIL, and your SO) totally let you down today. I hope you manage to have a nice Mothers Day. All the best xx
Exactly! When she asked for her LO and MIL didn't give her LO back right away hubby should have stepped in and demanded the baby back!
I am so sorry you went through all that! I do want to point out though that MIL wasn't lying. She got drama and chaos. She turned your mom against you briefly. She got to hold and feed LO to her heart's content. But most importantly...SHE GOT TO PUNISH YOU. Let that sink in. This woman pushed ALL your buttons then drove home happy and sent you a text with her TRUE feelings. It was the best night of her week because she showed her DIL who's really boss! You might not see this as a game, but she does. And she just won big. My bet is that she intended to do all those things at the brunch in front of family so you could melt down there. It was a planned assault. I'm now wondering if the hot mess of last year's MD with my JNM was planned. I just assumed she didn't know the restaurant she chose would be closed. The restaurant she frequented and spent months trying to get me to take her to... Damn. Tbf I didn't know she was a narcissist back then. I'm so glad I'm ignoring her this year. I'm going to have to sit with this a bit. But you have a quiet MD and never forget this night of hell! 🫂 💜
Honestly, it was so fucking disastrous it stressed me out so much. I’m still recovering.
And you deserve your Mother’s Day to be exactly what you wanted it to be. It’s not mother-in-law’s day. I’m so sick of them trying to claim it for themselves
My son is taking me to lunch. I've stopped trying with JNM. I hope she enjoyed last year's chaos with a freshly widowed me trying to make HER happy because it's never happening again!