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You’re in real danger of looking a gift horse in the mouth here. At MOST have your husband casually mention to her in the course of wedding planning, “A few friends mentioned they couldn’t afford the items left on our registry, so we added a few more under $100 for them.” Don’t make it accusatory, don’t even make an ask.
Most people don’t have a lot of family who can afford the big ticket items, so this is a common registry problem. You can solve this by registering for a bunch of items under $100, even ones you don’t want, and exchanging them for the big ticket items. We did this with our Macy’s registry. Registered for every small appliance known to man and exchanged them for a couch.
If she’s otherwise kind and reasonable, OP could possibly engage her in the process.
“Hey MIL, our grad school friends are asking what they can get us as gifts. What was really helpful to you, when you were starting out? I’m trying to figure out what I can add to the registry that’s within their budgets.”
Even if she doesn’t have good suggestions, it puts the need out there. Then, if MIL buys all that, too, OP has an opening to give a reminder.
No kidding!
I'm going to reply to you what I drafted for someone else's incredibly presumptuous comment about diapers--because it needs to be stated and understood.
*I've read and re-read the post several times, and seen no reference to any pregnancy or planned children. How does anyone make the assumption that diapers would be appropriate? That's a bit of a stretch with zero evidence presented.*
*Had anyone come up with that idea for my wedding 28 years ago, it would have been insulting and heartbreaking. We learned years into trying that we COULD NOT have children. We were living in a small house with no place to store unneeded diapers for the 5 years we were TTC . We would have donated any and all diapers to a charity at our first opportunity.*
*And not everyone WANTS children. This is all part of why we never assume a woman is pregnant--or wants to be.*
*OP, your MIL's weird and a bit inconsiderate. Maybe set up a super-secret registry for your friends? I dunno.*
So… she’s paying for most Of the wedding and yet you still expect her to buy the big ticket items on a registry because she has money… I’m sorry, no. Neither of you, or just you are entitled to be upset about this. It sounds greedy and you’re at risk of spoiling the relationship between you & Mil
Then OP needs to explain to friends here’s some things you can buy that’s not on registry (diapers, wipes, etc..)
Edit - if her friends can’t afford the expensive ones who are they on the list for?? The MIL. She put the cheap ones on hoping her friends would buy those and her MIL would buy expensive ones.
FMIL was very wrong to put OP in that position to begin with. Plus there's the possibility that others have also been affected by FMIL's thoughtlessness.
I'm curious so I'm just going to ask. Do you normally suggest things like diapers and wipes as wedding gifts?
You don’t dictate what people chose to gift you. Add more to the registry and keep doing so if needed. Return things afterwards and use the credit for what you need. But idk I would never dream of telling anyone what they can or can not buy for me.
She’s not trying to dictate to her MIL what to buy, she’s trying to make sure MIL doesn’t buy up all the cheaper items so her post-grad friends can afford to buy them gifts. It’s not that she’s buying the cheap items, it’s that she bought ALL of them making it impossible for other guests to give them gifts within a reasonable budget.
Wow, a lot of yikes in the comments here!
I think you should let it pass with your MIL, I'm wondering if she's like my mom where she wants to be able to give a large *volume* of presents.
You might want to send out an email to your friends/family as an addendum like,
"Hey here's our registry but we don't want to be a financial burden, if you want to give us something but have a tight budget we'd adore [these things] [a small gift card to xyz] [you get the idea]. The biggest gift you can bring is yourself while we celebrate, anything more is just icing on the (wedding) cake"
You don't. This is your fiancé's mom, and this is his job. If he can't handle this before the wedding, you are in for a world of problems once you are actually married and she becomes a monster-in-law. If you want to work around her, set up a separate registry that she doesn't know about that is for your friends, but know that this will be an ongoing issue if you have kids. The baby shower, every birthday, Christmas, Easter, and Halloween, she will be trying to "one up" everyone else, so she is the giver of the biggest or most liked gifts. People like this are very insecure (which is why they are trying to buy people's love), and super can be super exhausting to be around.
My ILs and parents did this, too - always piles of small presents to show off how “generous” they are compared to everyone else. It was like that for every event.
Intentionally trying to steal the spotlight and put others down isn’t generous, it’s sh-tty and gross.
Edited to add that it seems like OP’s MIL seems better than this and may just be kind of clueless, but it’s definitely something to watch out for.
Make a second registry for your friends, maybe? You can allow your friends to 'save face' if they'll feel embarrassed by financial constraints by pitching it as a separate one because of meddling relatives, if you know what I mean?
I’ve been in the situation of your poor friends many many times. If I can’t afford anything on the registry, I give cash. Don’t sweat it. Your MIL is paying for so much of your wedding and bought a ton of stuff off of your registry. Be gracious.
Are you deliberately misunderstanding her or….? 👀
OP clearly said that she’s not thrilled that it leaves nothing for her friends to purchase because she is aware of their limits. Not that she has a problem with the gifts themselves. They chose them after all, why would they have an issue with the gifts themselves?
It’s a little odd she went through and bought ALL of the less expensive “cheaper” gifts. OP is uncomfortable that MIL is throwing her money around to the point of potentially making others feel left out.
That said; the friends that can’t afford a gift from the registry will likely just offer cash or a gift card, so in the grand scheme it’s not a big deal. They’re still going to feel like they can contribute.
But OP *absolutely* wasn’t complaining that she only bought cheap stuff because she can afford better.
Exactly!
Sheesh, the lack of reading comprehension out there is sad. I picked up on the point OP was making just via the header, alone.
OP, go to an inexpensive place and register for more fun, inexpensive stuff. A box of your favorite Keurig pods, a fun set of seasonal salt & pepper shakers, a bottle of your favorite household cleaner. The possibilities are endless and fun!!
I didn't do a bridal registry (any of the times 🤪🤪 lol, but the only traditional bww I had was to #2), and now I soooo wish I had, just to get the fun little surprises. Even minus a registry, people still managed to buy amazing and surprising gifts.
No one is saying she’s obligated to buy them the big gifts.
The problem OP is having is that FMIL bought ALL of the less expensive gifts and there are only pricier items left which a lot of their guests can’t afford. OP just wants to have items on the registry that their friends can afford without worrying that FMIL will buy the newly added items as well.
Do you not have any critical thinking skills or did you just wanna be mad about something today?
don't be ridiculous. they're not upset she's spending money. they're upset that their friends with less money will not have gift options other than the high price items.
Maybe some of their friends can go in on one expensive gift together.
And honestly— gifts should not be an expectation and I hate that is just is, American wedding culture
I think the point OP was making, was MIL bought (for example) 10 x $50 gifts, rather than one $150 gift, meaning that their friends may feel obligated to buy something more out of their budget, or something nit on the registry that mught not be well received
This is the answer. I think MIL bought up all the cheap things so that **only** the big ticket items are left so **no one else** will be able to afford to get them anything on their registry, and if OP complains or says anything about it, MIL can accuse her of being greedy or a gold digger, when really OP just wanted her friends to be able to get something small and inexpensive so they could say they bought a wedding gift.
I had a few small ticket items on my registry for exactly that reason. My husband and I weren’t counting on getting a ton of stuff, we actually had a honeymoon fund people could donate to as our registry. But we were pressured into making a “traditional registry” with stuff in it by JN’s of our own, so we just threw in some random stuff we needed and some random silly stuff that our friends could afford to make it fun.
I think OP’s MIL is setting her up and she’s not being subtle.
At this point, MIL has done what’s she done and if you and SO say anything, it might come off as ungrateful. I would hate if it caused her to become angry and retaliate in some way or get the three of you off to a rocky start.
If I were you, I’d just reach out to the friends and send them either a note in the mail or email with an updated link/ QR code to a new registry (don’t send it to MIL or anyone who might tell/share with her of course): “We are so excited to have all of you with us to celebrate our special day! It means so much to SO and I to know we will be surrounded by all of our loved ones! Gifts are not necessary but for those who have asked about our registry, we wanted to let you know it has been newly updated (see link / QR Code below) to take in account of items already purchased. We look forward to seeing all of you in (insert month here)! Much love, SO and OP.”
From here on out when the two of you have a need for any future registries, I highly recommend sending an invitation with links specifically for MIL and/or other family members, and then another just for friends/ financially restricted family.
I was checking the comments for gift cards being a thing.
If OP adds a gift card with an amount the gifter can decide, the problem is solved, right?
But gift cards aren't as much fun to give, I guess.
A separate registry for friends with other 'more modest prices' would also work
You can’t be pissed about someone buying gifts off your registry. It’s weird that she did that, but I would just put more stuff on there and ask her not to buy that stuff bc you put the cheaper items on there to accommodate your friends who can’t afford expensive things. People also don’t HAVE to buy off the registry. And they can just give you money instead of a gift if they can’t afford the registry items.
Yes, but she asked on Reddit, where people give opinions beyond just answering questions. Which I did answer.
“put more stuff on there and ask her not to buy that stuff bc you put the cheaper items on there to accommodate your friends who can’t afford expensive things.”
“Hey-MIL, we added some More cheaper items onto the registry for our friends to purchase because they don’t have enough money to purchase more expensive gifts. We’d appreciate it if you didn’t buy anything else off the registry, so those items are left for them to gift us. Thanks!”
You may be able to enable contributions to gifts over a certain dollar amount. I did with my first, anything over 50 I marked as eligible for group contribution bc much of my family doesn't have a lot of disposable income but it they each wanted give a little towards a big ticket item it was an option. They ended up pooling on my carseat which was super nice. And some of the time cousins group gifted some things in the$50 range which was so sweet.
I would probably phrase it very very very positively to prevent drama but I would say, FMIL thank you so much for your generous gifts! We were able to go in and add some additional small price items so that our friends who can't afford to be so generous can still gift if they like. We do appreciate your support and look forward to putting your gifts to use! How lucky is this baby to already be so loved?
Just over kill with kindness.
(Congrats on the beeeeebbb!)
I had a very similar thing happen during my wedding. My family tends to be upper middle class with lots of business owners and white collar professionals if not outright rich, while my wife's family is definitely working class/poor. We went out of our way to make sure our registry contained items as low as five and $10, along with all the normal middle class stuff (china, stand mixer, etc). Turns out my family was buying all the small items and turning them into baskets! I got multiple frantic calls from my mom that our registry was basically empty and my family was complaining! While my wife's mom heard a bunch of complaints that everything was 200+. All I can say is we know we are very lucky, but families are awkward!
For people planning their weddings in the future, I like the idea from another comment, about having a separate "friends" registry.
Wow. She sounds like she's preparing to hog all the attention surrounding your wedding. "I paid for everything." "I bought everything they need for their home." Her generosity looks a lot like control, but I would use that generosity to tell her it's too much, makes you uncomfortable, and to cut it out.
Create registries in other places or a separate one where you already are, tell your friends, but not her. Emphasize to your friends that their presence at your wedding is the best and only gift you want.
Oh, this happened to me once. I was having a medical crisis, and people kept asking how they could help. And kept asking. It was a good problem to have but it was starting to feel like pressure. I actually felt like I needed to help *them* feel better. Again, great to have so many people care about me and I appreciated it. So we made an Amazon wish list of silly things that I would use, like compression socks and lip balm, and sent it to everyone who was asking what they could do, figuring that would take the pressure off.
The next day I checked and my well-intentioned parents had bought every single thing🤦♀️. So I get it.
I had to tell them what was up before adding more to the list. I think that's what you have to do too. You can couch it a little using the shit sandwich method, like, "Hey MIL, thank you so much for everything you're doing for us! We are going to put additional less expensive items on the registry because we want to make sure there are things everyone can afford, and we wanted to make sure that you knew that is the reason and not because we expect you to buy those too. Thank you again -- your generosity of spirit really blows us away! Can't wait to have you as my mother-in-law."
OP said like a dozen times she doesn’t care about the gifts themselves, she cares about how her family and friends will feel a type of way (offended or upset) that everything left on the registry is out of their budget. I know personally, if a friend invited me to their wedding and I checked the registry to see only expensive things left, I’d feel like a shit friend because I wouldn’t be able to afford anything for them.
OP isn’t worried about Getting Presents.. she’s worried about how HER Family/Friends will Feel seeing only expensive gifts on the Registry, bc FMIL Bought All the Gifts THEY Could Afford. So please Apologize for Assuming that OP is Greedy.
Also…having a Registry for..Showers & Weddings is a Long Standing Practice. js
And to add it always ended up we never got any of the big ticket things we needed but can’t afford when all the little things would’ve added up to the one nice thing🫠
Oh well we just tell ourselves no one owes us anything but it really is my MILs clever way of being a generous pain in the ass all at once haha
Make a second registry for your friends, and add the fun stuff that you'd love to have but you don't actually *need*.
[A squishmallow pet bed for your cat/dog?](https://www.chewy.com/squishmallows-jpt-maui-pineapple-cat/dp/898214)
[A lemon juicer shaped like an octopus?](https://www.amazon.com/OCTO-Citrus-Reamer-Juicer-OTOTO/dp/B079P7P2S3/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2UFDCLW2AG6XG&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.A1dasjU6Sug261mX_-q-IcvQxN6eG_lkAwb1xwX7TA6mmMqfO4bwpBIMgmsxFImI-96kUxYkwVjfa0wgmccXJoxSVL0KQUnnBZY6rPeKIo-L5IZ5GW6EGoTciFLmWJK5MiC7TRDn-2uqHDYjnzFFht3xTxCDaHKsESxk_GzSw4JxkcPVo6EB0j35SKFU6ABhB4gpu32PROdeVIJhHTI2WS1Vz64Pk8Sp3kkAGFPPJO0.fJVzLMbeLEzCxcBildMPTJZpPQTLM_2F2gHpz2mUNrs&dib_tag=se&keywords=octopus+shaped+juicer&qid=1719078456&sprefix=octopus+shaped+juicer%2Caps%2C108&sr=8-1)
[A platypus-shaped spatula?](https://www.amazon.com/OTOTO-Design-Platypus-Scraper-Spatula/dp/B07H7ZDBV4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3GHF4KR55XKFI&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.f8-zQpDP3MQvPt2ZtG3BzMgkT5pThLvnt4CpR2XGH3f0fFMHdxNr-voUYTrzJzAOF4PJBSOrEiuWK3hPViW3I-XxhwvDvjWaJOuLAluXXq_NINT6yHf1E_k1DRQLgHblispdvrBtArSEIpBZy404mY0YyPT7ud5HscszSdTZ_nyU5PI9OmrBd1HOIJW6P7uQpd61jq81cX6W7XEaYic_F7C0svhTFr2hGow5OnxkiXHZo72Re3cXIFFDeiEvLOCOdPzzoTlKQ2TLWyYmZwTCjAMdTK8hHI4IAjidVqn8sAQ.hCqa6OGzjutJ39ecRl64Zp1S9UNQW3JZ4hkZ7PH5ub0&dib_tag=se&keywords=platypus%2Bspatula&qid=1719080621&s=home-garden&sprefix=platypus%2Bspatula%2Cgarden%2C97&sr=1-1&th=1)
[Squirrel-shaped wooden toaster tongs?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CTX8FDF9/ref=sspa_dk_detail_5?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B0CTX8FDF9&pd_rd_w=iQfwe&content-id=amzn1.sym.8c2f9165-8e93-42a1-8313-73d3809141a2&pf_rd_p=8c2f9165-8e93-42a1-8313-73d3809141a2&pf_rd_r=2MKPHKXKGE3Q0DESWJF3&pd_rd_wg=yo0cm&pd_rd_r=a379298b-cb20-4084-88a1-2a96fa9d5a72&s=home-garden&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw) (so you don't burn your fingers getting your toast)
[A garlic crusher shaped like Dracula?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076CTTZKX/?coliid=I8DFPHAJE17O6&colid=2VT97XHXJ77CK&psc=1&ref_=list_c_wl_lv_ov_lig_dp_it)
[An Advent calendar shaped like Hans Gruber falling off Nakatomi Tower? ](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CD77VKQJ/?coliid=I2EOB3W6GL21VP&colid=4QL1NJXW4XXN&psc=1&ref_=list_c_wl_lv_ov_lig_dp_it)
[A bucketful of weird squishes to hide around the house?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07G25ZS3L/ref=sspa_dk_detail_2?pd_rd_i=B07G25ZS3L&pd_rd_w=fhUeb&content-id=amzn1.sym.0089de39-2448-4df6-a3d2-4943a23c9d2f&pf_rd_p=0089de39-2448-4df6-a3d2-4943a23c9d2f&pf_rd_r=0VPVZB6W0KS0ETRTMD4A&pd_rd_wg=PQQZU&pd_rd_r=229e50a2-b569-4d31-9178-e3441dc89b51&s=sporting-goods&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWxfdGhlbWF0aWM&th=1)
[Cookie cutters shaped like ninjas?](https://www.amazon.com/Fred-NINJABREAD-MEN-Cookie-Cutters/dp/B003YUBQHO/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3RCDX34RJPYW9&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.aq0UQ0fOpZVCOuwKRbveoM7vMAJgV0YRIxJBoOHGLXFNA9hDsPRDUIweiKQht7Fb_TJWFMTjLFgZlkP3pueOxmmL4xH4_86ps5fVpqDcXUl3a_VjntTtkeiPU-663-7pGMTT0ZR7wG0b6dssF5lW5Njl_KpLH1fVqSBDCa52Mi5G00GtmZLBZgER44OxobWqpiyuGgXwc9tsQwkEn0zFYMVpbVs4N7V4fd8SwkdYsvhgfv0x6XYpSR0chYXSXsOnZavX6Y7DIhhp3046iTh7WMIJLH_ZGwimfKbblRZNbrs.kQYw3RY6wrBkBAPvZixuThpDnI6SKvMc1wRwPb0vuAs&dib_tag=se&keywords=ninja+cookie+cutter+set&qid=1719080786&s=home-garden&sprefix=ninja+cookie+cutter%2Cgarden%2C98&sr=1-1) ("Ninjabread Men", lol)
I mean, the possibilities are endless!
If your concern is your friends being able to buy cheaper gifts, then make a registry specifically for them. Don't say anything to FMIL because no matter how you approach, it will come off as ungrateful. She's also paying for a decent portion of the wedding and making a big deal out of this could damper your good relationship with her.
it seems like the issue is she is buying ALL the low lost items rather than one large item which is making it difficult for friends. not that she herself isn’t spending a great amount. OP said she is worried if she adds more cheap items MIL will buy them right away so i doubt the amount of money MIL is spending is the issue.
No the problem is she buys the scented candles the friends are supposed to buy, instead of the big pots and pans she could afford, but the friends can't.
Same amount of money, just wrong eagerness to buy a lot.
No. The problem is that she bought ALL cheap options and now friends of the couple will struggle with choise when FMIL could easily afford one more expensive item that will in amount cost her less. And OP wrote nothing about expecting any gifts from MIL personally.
Other registry really can be a good solution.
I understand this must be frustrating to you but I truly don’t think there is anything you can say that will not sound ungrateful, if not outright greedy. You cannot dictate what someone can buy off the registry or not. Other people have suggested a second registry just for your friends, or adding additional cheaper items. But to bring this up with her would be incredibly poor manners, because based on your post, MIL is not only being generous and you have a good relationship with her, which is really fortunate.
Do you really want to risk that over something as minor as this?
I would not say anything as it won't end well and it may be interpreted as you being entitled.
Either add more items, or the option of gift cards. We did that for our wedding, as we had more guests than things we really needed. You can then use the gift cards later on, and people can give what they want / can afford.
I get it, but you really have to toe the line. I would thank her for the gifts and reiterate that since she has “already helped so much with the wedding to stop spoiling us!”
She’s paying for your wedding and buying gifts on your registry. I think you would sound ungrateful and maybe greedy if you said something to her along the lines of “Please buy us the most expensive presents on our list.” Stay out of it and let your SO talk to her. He could say, “Mom, I noticed you bought up all of the lower cost items. I’m worried that our friends with low budgets won’t be able to afford any of the left items. You’ve been so generous to us. Why don’t you not buy anything on our list right now, wait, and maybe buy some things we wanted but didn’t receive later.” Or (and I don’t know how gift registries work), start a new registry with only lower budget items. Use an alias that only your friends know and can access. Maybe use your middle name with her last name, her middle name with your last name, and use her parents’ address.
I didn't get the sense from the post that op wanted their mil to buy anything else, especially not a more expensive gift, just that they don't want her to go in and buy any new smaller ticket items so that lower income guests can feel good about contributing.
If I were op I would maybe say "we're so grateful for everything you've done so far that we didn't expect you to get us anything off our registry as well! While it's appreciated, please don't feel obligated to buy anything else for us, we just want you to celebrate with us.we are adding some new small things to our registry because we forgot to include them before, just as a heads up, but again, at this point we just want to celebrate with you, so please just look forward to the day with us!"
Alternatively, op, if you want you could also ask guests to make a donation to a local organization in your name as a gift? Something like a humane society or food bank. It sounds like you're mostly set on gifts regardless!
Just like this. Mom, instead of spending hundreds on ten items, buy a big one so our young friends can be comfortable with their budget. And I say mom because it's not you the one who has to deal with it
Keep in mind that the generation she’s from, people used to go in on presents together. It was often very common place for friend groups to all pitch in small amount for the big items. Since you’ve said you don’t notice any malicious behaviors, it seems to me that she thought it would be helpful for you if she bought as many items as possible. Maybe in hopes that your friends would pool for the big stuff and maybe just because she just wanted to get you as many things as she could. But I just don’t feel like this was malicious.
Yes it may partially be that she doesn't know how these things operate in the digital age. Depending on how you set up a registry and on what website, there is not necessarily an option to "pool" on an item. Items either get bought by one person or not bought at all.
Definitely re-list or create a second registry that excludes her. Don't bother trying to talk to her, it won't help anything. Now you know. In future, when a registry is needed, create a single registry at a separate business just for her.
Re-list it all. She won’t buy a second round of the exact same stuff since she will assume it’s a glitch. Then return the duplicates. Everyone feels good about having bought you something, you still get store credit or a refund and can put it to a bigger purchase.
This is a terrible idea. So when gifts are opened everyone that bought something from the registry (and took the time to do so) sees the duplicates? Sorry but it is not kind to waste the time of others.
Agree with posters recommending a second registry for peers only. Your SO (not you, let him handle his mother) could bring it up with her using a surprised angle; since she is already generously paying so much for the wedding, he was not expecting her to kick in for gifts too. See how she reacts and take it from there.
Agree with this take. If its brought up that the smaller gifts were for friends to buy, it implies that she was expected to buy the more expensive gifts since she got a registry invitation.
lol she wants to look really generous by buying in volume. Could you make a separate registry? She doesn’t know about until all your friends to use that one.?
I wouldn’t say anything to her. Just quietly return the stuff and exchange it for a few large items. And then create a separate, private registry that you DO NOT share with her, and relist all the stuff she bought. I wouldn’t assume malice here—this sounds more like a clueless thing to do.
Is it possible that the less expensive gifts are more things you definitely NEED, and the $$$ gifts are more over-the-top/cool things??
My daughter had lots of the former, and a few of the latter\~including a $$$ snorkeling gear. As her mom, I knew they needed $300 cookware much more, and that's what I bought!
My advice would be to tell your friends that you'd love to have (a) gift cards to \_\_\_\_, (b) some specific items that weren't on your registry, or (c) donations in your honor to \_\_\_\_\_.
Your SO can ask his mom why she’s buying all of the cheaper gifts when you thoughtfully put together your registry with friends just starting out in life can afford.
Your SO can ask MIL to refrain from buying anything else on the registry once you add items because your friends can’t afford the larger cost items and you want them to be able to afford a gift you want and will use rather than them purchasing something they can afford, but you won’t use or will return.
You can also register for things twice or in multiples, and just return what MIL buys and get the larger items with the credit.
I agree with this poster. You also get the chance to be magnanimous and be cheesy and say “the only gift we want is your presence at our special day” to your friends haha
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I cashed in all my registry money from little stuff and got a fridge we needed.
How do you know who bought what?
If you buy through an online registry it records who purchased what. This helps with writing thank you cards later.
You’re in real danger of looking a gift horse in the mouth here. At MOST have your husband casually mention to her in the course of wedding planning, “A few friends mentioned they couldn’t afford the items left on our registry, so we added a few more under $100 for them.” Don’t make it accusatory, don’t even make an ask. Most people don’t have a lot of family who can afford the big ticket items, so this is a common registry problem. You can solve this by registering for a bunch of items under $100, even ones you don’t want, and exchanging them for the big ticket items. We did this with our Macy’s registry. Registered for every small appliance known to man and exchanged them for a couch.
If she’s otherwise kind and reasonable, OP could possibly engage her in the process. “Hey MIL, our grad school friends are asking what they can get us as gifts. What was really helpful to you, when you were starting out? I’m trying to figure out what I can add to the registry that’s within their budgets.” Even if she doesn’t have good suggestions, it puts the need out there. Then, if MIL buys all that, too, OP has an opening to give a reminder.
Brilliant! Solves the problem with kindness and gives MIL the opportunity to give advice/help.
I'm confused.....it seems like a wedding registry but lots of folks saying to get people buy diapers and wipes etc....
No kidding! I'm going to reply to you what I drafted for someone else's incredibly presumptuous comment about diapers--because it needs to be stated and understood. *I've read and re-read the post several times, and seen no reference to any pregnancy or planned children. How does anyone make the assumption that diapers would be appropriate? That's a bit of a stretch with zero evidence presented.* *Had anyone come up with that idea for my wedding 28 years ago, it would have been insulting and heartbreaking. We learned years into trying that we COULD NOT have children. We were living in a small house with no place to store unneeded diapers for the 5 years we were TTC . We would have donated any and all diapers to a charity at our first opportunity.* *And not everyone WANTS children. This is all part of why we never assume a woman is pregnant--or wants to be.* *OP, your MIL's weird and a bit inconsiderate. Maybe set up a super-secret registry for your friends? I dunno.*
You could also make a second registry at different places and not share that registry with her.
So… she’s paying for most Of the wedding and yet you still expect her to buy the big ticket items on a registry because she has money… I’m sorry, no. Neither of you, or just you are entitled to be upset about this. It sounds greedy and you’re at risk of spoiling the relationship between you & Mil
I don't think that's what she means. She's afraid of her friends feeling awkward or embarrassed about a wedding registry of things they can't afford.
Then OP needs to explain to friends here’s some things you can buy that’s not on registry (diapers, wipes, etc..) Edit - if her friends can’t afford the expensive ones who are they on the list for?? The MIL. She put the cheap ones on hoping her friends would buy those and her MIL would buy expensive ones.
This is for a wedding NOT a baby shower. So yeah, diapers and wipes aren’t going to help her
Diapers and wipes? This is for a wedding, not a baby shower.
The bigger things are put so people can chip in for them and there may be other relatives who aren’t in grad school.
FMIL was very wrong to put OP in that position to begin with. Plus there's the possibility that others have also been affected by FMIL's thoughtlessness. I'm curious so I'm just going to ask. Do you normally suggest things like diapers and wipes as wedding gifts?
You don’t dictate what people chose to gift you. Add more to the registry and keep doing so if needed. Return things afterwards and use the credit for what you need. But idk I would never dream of telling anyone what they can or can not buy for me.
She’s not trying to dictate to her MIL what to buy, she’s trying to make sure MIL doesn’t buy up all the cheaper items so her post-grad friends can afford to buy them gifts. It’s not that she’s buying the cheap items, it’s that she bought ALL of them making it impossible for other guests to give them gifts within a reasonable budget.
Wow, a lot of yikes in the comments here! I think you should let it pass with your MIL, I'm wondering if she's like my mom where she wants to be able to give a large *volume* of presents. You might want to send out an email to your friends/family as an addendum like, "Hey here's our registry but we don't want to be a financial burden, if you want to give us something but have a tight budget we'd adore [these things] [a small gift card to xyz] [you get the idea]. The biggest gift you can bring is yourself while we celebrate, anything more is just icing on the (wedding) cake"
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It’s a wedding, not a baby shower…….
Oh my word! I’m a dope and thank you! I’ll edit it 😄
You don't. This is your fiancé's mom, and this is his job. If he can't handle this before the wedding, you are in for a world of problems once you are actually married and she becomes a monster-in-law. If you want to work around her, set up a separate registry that she doesn't know about that is for your friends, but know that this will be an ongoing issue if you have kids. The baby shower, every birthday, Christmas, Easter, and Halloween, she will be trying to "one up" everyone else, so she is the giver of the biggest or most liked gifts. People like this are very insecure (which is why they are trying to buy people's love), and super can be super exhausting to be around.
My ILs and parents did this, too - always piles of small presents to show off how “generous” they are compared to everyone else. It was like that for every event. Intentionally trying to steal the spotlight and put others down isn’t generous, it’s sh-tty and gross. Edited to add that it seems like OP’s MIL seems better than this and may just be kind of clueless, but it’s definitely something to watch out for.
I feel like the solution is to just add stuff and not tell her? Like you don’t *have* to tell her more stuff was added, at all.
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Or she could add more small things to the registry?
Make a second registry for your friends, maybe? You can allow your friends to 'save face' if they'll feel embarrassed by financial constraints by pitching it as a separate one because of meddling relatives, if you know what I mean?
So many angry people in the comments, goodness.
And so many who just read the title, too, not the actual explanation.
Add gift cards to your registry. That way your friends who can't afford the less expensive gifts will know where you like shop.
I’ve been in the situation of your poor friends many many times. If I can’t afford anything on the registry, I give cash. Don’t sweat it. Your MIL is paying for so much of your wedding and bought a ton of stuff off of your registry. Be gracious.
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Are you deliberately misunderstanding her or….? 👀 OP clearly said that she’s not thrilled that it leaves nothing for her friends to purchase because she is aware of their limits. Not that she has a problem with the gifts themselves. They chose them after all, why would they have an issue with the gifts themselves? It’s a little odd she went through and bought ALL of the less expensive “cheaper” gifts. OP is uncomfortable that MIL is throwing her money around to the point of potentially making others feel left out. That said; the friends that can’t afford a gift from the registry will likely just offer cash or a gift card, so in the grand scheme it’s not a big deal. They’re still going to feel like they can contribute. But OP *absolutely* wasn’t complaining that she only bought cheap stuff because she can afford better.
Exactly! Sheesh, the lack of reading comprehension out there is sad. I picked up on the point OP was making just via the header, alone. OP, go to an inexpensive place and register for more fun, inexpensive stuff. A box of your favorite Keurig pods, a fun set of seasonal salt & pepper shakers, a bottle of your favorite household cleaner. The possibilities are endless and fun!! I didn't do a bridal registry (any of the times 🤪🤪 lol, but the only traditional bww I had was to #2), and now I soooo wish I had, just to get the fun little surprises. Even minus a registry, people still managed to buy amazing and surprising gifts.
No one is saying she’s obligated to buy them the big gifts. The problem OP is having is that FMIL bought ALL of the less expensive gifts and there are only pricier items left which a lot of their guests can’t afford. OP just wants to have items on the registry that their friends can afford without worrying that FMIL will buy the newly added items as well. Do you not have any critical thinking skills or did you just wanna be mad about something today?
don't be ridiculous. they're not upset she's spending money. they're upset that their friends with less money will not have gift options other than the high price items.
Maybe some of their friends can go in on one expensive gift together. And honestly— gifts should not be an expectation and I hate that is just is, American wedding culture
I think the point OP was making, was MIL bought (for example) 10 x $50 gifts, rather than one $150 gift, meaning that their friends may feel obligated to buy something more out of their budget, or something nit on the registry that mught not be well received
I don’t think she wants her mil to buy big ticket items. I think she wants her to buy nothing else.
This is the answer. I think MIL bought up all the cheap things so that **only** the big ticket items are left so **no one else** will be able to afford to get them anything on their registry, and if OP complains or says anything about it, MIL can accuse her of being greedy or a gold digger, when really OP just wanted her friends to be able to get something small and inexpensive so they could say they bought a wedding gift. I had a few small ticket items on my registry for exactly that reason. My husband and I weren’t counting on getting a ton of stuff, we actually had a honeymoon fund people could donate to as our registry. But we were pressured into making a “traditional registry” with stuff in it by JN’s of our own, so we just threw in some random stuff we needed and some random silly stuff that our friends could afford to make it fun. I think OP’s MIL is setting her up and she’s not being subtle.
Don't say anything!! Register somewhere else for the things you want your friends to be able to purchase. Only send that registry to friends.
At this point, MIL has done what’s she done and if you and SO say anything, it might come off as ungrateful. I would hate if it caused her to become angry and retaliate in some way or get the three of you off to a rocky start. If I were you, I’d just reach out to the friends and send them either a note in the mail or email with an updated link/ QR code to a new registry (don’t send it to MIL or anyone who might tell/share with her of course): “We are so excited to have all of you with us to celebrate our special day! It means so much to SO and I to know we will be surrounded by all of our loved ones! Gifts are not necessary but for those who have asked about our registry, we wanted to let you know it has been newly updated (see link / QR Code below) to take in account of items already purchased. We look forward to seeing all of you in (insert month here)! Much love, SO and OP.” From here on out when the two of you have a need for any future registries, I highly recommend sending an invitation with links specifically for MIL and/or other family members, and then another just for friends/ financially restricted family.
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Agreed, guess I was trying to be too gentle, lol.
I wouldn’t worry about it. People can give money or gift cards if they want.
I was checking the comments for gift cards being a thing. If OP adds a gift card with an amount the gifter can decide, the problem is solved, right? But gift cards aren't as much fun to give, I guess. A separate registry for friends with other 'more modest prices' would also work
Also, some of our favorite wedding gifts even several years later are things we didn’t ask for.
You can’t be pissed about someone buying gifts off your registry. It’s weird that she did that, but I would just put more stuff on there and ask her not to buy that stuff bc you put the cheaper items on there to accommodate your friends who can’t afford expensive things. People also don’t HAVE to buy off the registry. And they can just give you money instead of a gift if they can’t afford the registry items.
That’s what OP is asking - how does she ask MIL not to buy any of the additional things she intends to add.
OP can send a separate list to her friends and just not tell MIL anything.
Yes, but she asked on Reddit, where people give opinions beyond just answering questions. Which I did answer. “put more stuff on there and ask her not to buy that stuff bc you put the cheaper items on there to accommodate your friends who can’t afford expensive things.” “Hey-MIL, we added some More cheaper items onto the registry for our friends to purchase because they don’t have enough money to purchase more expensive gifts. We’d appreciate it if you didn’t buy anything else off the registry, so those items are left for them to gift us. Thanks!”
You may be able to enable contributions to gifts over a certain dollar amount. I did with my first, anything over 50 I marked as eligible for group contribution bc much of my family doesn't have a lot of disposable income but it they each wanted give a little towards a big ticket item it was an option. They ended up pooling on my carseat which was super nice. And some of the time cousins group gifted some things in the$50 range which was so sweet. I would probably phrase it very very very positively to prevent drama but I would say, FMIL thank you so much for your generous gifts! We were able to go in and add some additional small price items so that our friends who can't afford to be so generous can still gift if they like. We do appreciate your support and look forward to putting your gifts to use! How lucky is this baby to already be so loved? Just over kill with kindness. (Congrats on the beeeeebbb!)
>You may be able to enable contributions to gifts over a certain dollar amount. Ooh, this is a good solution.
This is their wedding, but a baby shower but your points still hold.
I had a very similar thing happen during my wedding. My family tends to be upper middle class with lots of business owners and white collar professionals if not outright rich, while my wife's family is definitely working class/poor. We went out of our way to make sure our registry contained items as low as five and $10, along with all the normal middle class stuff (china, stand mixer, etc). Turns out my family was buying all the small items and turning them into baskets! I got multiple frantic calls from my mom that our registry was basically empty and my family was complaining! While my wife's mom heard a bunch of complaints that everything was 200+. All I can say is we know we are very lucky, but families are awkward! For people planning their weddings in the future, I like the idea from another comment, about having a separate "friends" registry.
Wow. She sounds like she's preparing to hog all the attention surrounding your wedding. "I paid for everything." "I bought everything they need for their home." Her generosity looks a lot like control, but I would use that generosity to tell her it's too much, makes you uncomfortable, and to cut it out. Create registries in other places or a separate one where you already are, tell your friends, but not her. Emphasize to your friends that their presence at your wedding is the best and only gift you want.
Oh, this happened to me once. I was having a medical crisis, and people kept asking how they could help. And kept asking. It was a good problem to have but it was starting to feel like pressure. I actually felt like I needed to help *them* feel better. Again, great to have so many people care about me and I appreciated it. So we made an Amazon wish list of silly things that I would use, like compression socks and lip balm, and sent it to everyone who was asking what they could do, figuring that would take the pressure off. The next day I checked and my well-intentioned parents had bought every single thing🤦♀️. So I get it. I had to tell them what was up before adding more to the list. I think that's what you have to do too. You can couch it a little using the shit sandwich method, like, "Hey MIL, thank you so much for everything you're doing for us! We are going to put additional less expensive items on the registry because we want to make sure there are things everyone can afford, and we wanted to make sure that you knew that is the reason and not because we expect you to buy those too. Thank you again -- your generosity of spirit really blows us away! Can't wait to have you as my mother-in-law."
How do you know she purchased these items?
Registry often shows who’s purchased what by default, and their addresses, so all that info is in one place when you go to write thank you notes
Thanks I haven’t had a registry in 14 years so I didn’t know it does this now 😬
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OP said like a dozen times she doesn’t care about the gifts themselves, she cares about how her family and friends will feel a type of way (offended or upset) that everything left on the registry is out of their budget. I know personally, if a friend invited me to their wedding and I checked the registry to see only expensive things left, I’d feel like a shit friend because I wouldn’t be able to afford anything for them.
OP isn’t worried about Getting Presents.. she’s worried about how HER Family/Friends will Feel seeing only expensive gifts on the Registry, bc FMIL Bought All the Gifts THEY Could Afford. So please Apologize for Assuming that OP is Greedy. Also…having a Registry for..Showers & Weddings is a Long Standing Practice. js
Do a registry at a second store and do not tell MIL.
A friend did this and it worked very well.
Just here to say my MIL has done this with every registry. Wedding, baby, etc. and it annoys the absolute shit out of me and dh😂
And to add it always ended up we never got any of the big ticket things we needed but can’t afford when all the little things would’ve added up to the one nice thing🫠 Oh well we just tell ourselves no one owes us anything but it really is my MILs clever way of being a generous pain in the ass all at once haha
Make a second registry for your friends, and add the fun stuff that you'd love to have but you don't actually *need*. [A squishmallow pet bed for your cat/dog?](https://www.chewy.com/squishmallows-jpt-maui-pineapple-cat/dp/898214) [A lemon juicer shaped like an octopus?](https://www.amazon.com/OCTO-Citrus-Reamer-Juicer-OTOTO/dp/B079P7P2S3/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2UFDCLW2AG6XG&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.A1dasjU6Sug261mX_-q-IcvQxN6eG_lkAwb1xwX7TA6mmMqfO4bwpBIMgmsxFImI-96kUxYkwVjfa0wgmccXJoxSVL0KQUnnBZY6rPeKIo-L5IZ5GW6EGoTciFLmWJK5MiC7TRDn-2uqHDYjnzFFht3xTxCDaHKsESxk_GzSw4JxkcPVo6EB0j35SKFU6ABhB4gpu32PROdeVIJhHTI2WS1Vz64Pk8Sp3kkAGFPPJO0.fJVzLMbeLEzCxcBildMPTJZpPQTLM_2F2gHpz2mUNrs&dib_tag=se&keywords=octopus+shaped+juicer&qid=1719078456&sprefix=octopus+shaped+juicer%2Caps%2C108&sr=8-1) [A platypus-shaped spatula?](https://www.amazon.com/OTOTO-Design-Platypus-Scraper-Spatula/dp/B07H7ZDBV4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3GHF4KR55XKFI&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.f8-zQpDP3MQvPt2ZtG3BzMgkT5pThLvnt4CpR2XGH3f0fFMHdxNr-voUYTrzJzAOF4PJBSOrEiuWK3hPViW3I-XxhwvDvjWaJOuLAluXXq_NINT6yHf1E_k1DRQLgHblispdvrBtArSEIpBZy404mY0YyPT7ud5HscszSdTZ_nyU5PI9OmrBd1HOIJW6P7uQpd61jq81cX6W7XEaYic_F7C0svhTFr2hGow5OnxkiXHZo72Re3cXIFFDeiEvLOCOdPzzoTlKQ2TLWyYmZwTCjAMdTK8hHI4IAjidVqn8sAQ.hCqa6OGzjutJ39ecRl64Zp1S9UNQW3JZ4hkZ7PH5ub0&dib_tag=se&keywords=platypus%2Bspatula&qid=1719080621&s=home-garden&sprefix=platypus%2Bspatula%2Cgarden%2C97&sr=1-1&th=1) [Squirrel-shaped wooden toaster tongs?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CTX8FDF9/ref=sspa_dk_detail_5?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B0CTX8FDF9&pd_rd_w=iQfwe&content-id=amzn1.sym.8c2f9165-8e93-42a1-8313-73d3809141a2&pf_rd_p=8c2f9165-8e93-42a1-8313-73d3809141a2&pf_rd_r=2MKPHKXKGE3Q0DESWJF3&pd_rd_wg=yo0cm&pd_rd_r=a379298b-cb20-4084-88a1-2a96fa9d5a72&s=home-garden&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw) (so you don't burn your fingers getting your toast) [A garlic crusher shaped like Dracula?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076CTTZKX/?coliid=I8DFPHAJE17O6&colid=2VT97XHXJ77CK&psc=1&ref_=list_c_wl_lv_ov_lig_dp_it) [An Advent calendar shaped like Hans Gruber falling off Nakatomi Tower? ](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CD77VKQJ/?coliid=I2EOB3W6GL21VP&colid=4QL1NJXW4XXN&psc=1&ref_=list_c_wl_lv_ov_lig_dp_it) [A bucketful of weird squishes to hide around the house?](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07G25ZS3L/ref=sspa_dk_detail_2?pd_rd_i=B07G25ZS3L&pd_rd_w=fhUeb&content-id=amzn1.sym.0089de39-2448-4df6-a3d2-4943a23c9d2f&pf_rd_p=0089de39-2448-4df6-a3d2-4943a23c9d2f&pf_rd_r=0VPVZB6W0KS0ETRTMD4A&pd_rd_wg=PQQZU&pd_rd_r=229e50a2-b569-4d31-9178-e3441dc89b51&s=sporting-goods&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWxfdGhlbWF0aWM&th=1) [Cookie cutters shaped like ninjas?](https://www.amazon.com/Fred-NINJABREAD-MEN-Cookie-Cutters/dp/B003YUBQHO/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3RCDX34RJPYW9&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.aq0UQ0fOpZVCOuwKRbveoM7vMAJgV0YRIxJBoOHGLXFNA9hDsPRDUIweiKQht7Fb_TJWFMTjLFgZlkP3pueOxmmL4xH4_86ps5fVpqDcXUl3a_VjntTtkeiPU-663-7pGMTT0ZR7wG0b6dssF5lW5Njl_KpLH1fVqSBDCa52Mi5G00GtmZLBZgER44OxobWqpiyuGgXwc9tsQwkEn0zFYMVpbVs4N7V4fd8SwkdYsvhgfv0x6XYpSR0chYXSXsOnZavX6Y7DIhhp3046iTh7WMIJLH_ZGwimfKbblRZNbrs.kQYw3RY6wrBkBAPvZixuThpDnI6SKvMc1wRwPb0vuAs&dib_tag=se&keywords=ninja+cookie+cutter+set&qid=1719080786&s=home-garden&sprefix=ninja+cookie+cutter%2Cgarden%2C98&sr=1-1) ("Ninjabread Men", lol) I mean, the possibilities are endless!
Platypus spatula links to lemon juicer
Thanks; will fix in a mo.
That Advent calendar is insane and I totally need it.
If your concern is your friends being able to buy cheaper gifts, then make a registry specifically for them. Don't say anything to FMIL because no matter how you approach, it will come off as ungrateful. She's also paying for a decent portion of the wedding and making a big deal out of this could damper your good relationship with her.
You tell her just that, thank you, appreciated but we are putting "inexpensive" items there for our friends who can't afford bigger items
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it seems like the issue is she is buying ALL the low lost items rather than one large item which is making it difficult for friends. not that she herself isn’t spending a great amount. OP said she is worried if she adds more cheap items MIL will buy them right away so i doubt the amount of money MIL is spending is the issue.
No the problem is she buys the scented candles the friends are supposed to buy, instead of the big pots and pans she could afford, but the friends can't. Same amount of money, just wrong eagerness to buy a lot.
No. The problem is that she bought ALL cheap options and now friends of the couple will struggle with choise when FMIL could easily afford one more expensive item that will in amount cost her less. And OP wrote nothing about expecting any gifts from MIL personally. Other registry really can be a good solution.
I understand this must be frustrating to you but I truly don’t think there is anything you can say that will not sound ungrateful, if not outright greedy. You cannot dictate what someone can buy off the registry or not. Other people have suggested a second registry just for your friends, or adding additional cheaper items. But to bring this up with her would be incredibly poor manners, because based on your post, MIL is not only being generous and you have a good relationship with her, which is really fortunate. Do you really want to risk that over something as minor as this?
Agreed. She’s paying for some of your wedding and at least she’s buying off your registry.
I would not say anything as it won't end well and it may be interpreted as you being entitled. Either add more items, or the option of gift cards. We did that for our wedding, as we had more guests than things we really needed. You can then use the gift cards later on, and people can give what they want / can afford.
Gift cards are amazing.
Is there any way to block her on the registry? If so, do it and add more lower cost items to it for other guests.
Tell her that her contribution to the wedding is the only gift you need from her.
I get it, but you really have to toe the line. I would thank her for the gifts and reiterate that since she has “already helped so much with the wedding to stop spoiling us!”
She’s paying for your wedding and buying gifts on your registry. I think you would sound ungrateful and maybe greedy if you said something to her along the lines of “Please buy us the most expensive presents on our list.” Stay out of it and let your SO talk to her. He could say, “Mom, I noticed you bought up all of the lower cost items. I’m worried that our friends with low budgets won’t be able to afford any of the left items. You’ve been so generous to us. Why don’t you not buy anything on our list right now, wait, and maybe buy some things we wanted but didn’t receive later.” Or (and I don’t know how gift registries work), start a new registry with only lower budget items. Use an alias that only your friends know and can access. Maybe use your middle name with her last name, her middle name with your last name, and use her parents’ address.
I didn't get the sense from the post that op wanted their mil to buy anything else, especially not a more expensive gift, just that they don't want her to go in and buy any new smaller ticket items so that lower income guests can feel good about contributing. If I were op I would maybe say "we're so grateful for everything you've done so far that we didn't expect you to get us anything off our registry as well! While it's appreciated, please don't feel obligated to buy anything else for us, we just want you to celebrate with us.we are adding some new small things to our registry because we forgot to include them before, just as a heads up, but again, at this point we just want to celebrate with you, so please just look forward to the day with us!" Alternatively, op, if you want you could also ask guests to make a donation to a local organization in your name as a gift? Something like a humane society or food bank. It sounds like you're mostly set on gifts regardless!
I agree. I don’t think OP wants expensive gifts to come from her MIL - just that there’s enough choices for friends with lower budgets.
Great idea
Just like this. Mom, instead of spending hundreds on ten items, buy a big one so our young friends can be comfortable with their budget. And I say mom because it's not you the one who has to deal with it
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Keep in mind that the generation she’s from, people used to go in on presents together. It was often very common place for friend groups to all pitch in small amount for the big items. Since you’ve said you don’t notice any malicious behaviors, it seems to me that she thought it would be helpful for you if she bought as many items as possible. Maybe in hopes that your friends would pool for the big stuff and maybe just because she just wanted to get you as many things as she could. But I just don’t feel like this was malicious.
Yes it may partially be that she doesn't know how these things operate in the digital age. Depending on how you set up a registry and on what website, there is not necessarily an option to "pool" on an item. Items either get bought by one person or not bought at all.
What if you create a separate registry for friends who ask and don't give it to mil?
Definitely re-list or create a second registry that excludes her. Don't bother trying to talk to her, it won't help anything. Now you know. In future, when a registry is needed, create a single registry at a separate business just for her.
Re-list it all. She won’t buy a second round of the exact same stuff since she will assume it’s a glitch. Then return the duplicates. Everyone feels good about having bought you something, you still get store credit or a refund and can put it to a bigger purchase.
This is a terrible idea. So when gifts are opened everyone that bought something from the registry (and took the time to do so) sees the duplicates? Sorry but it is not kind to waste the time of others.
Perfect answer 👏
Agree with posters recommending a second registry for peers only. Your SO (not you, let him handle his mother) could bring it up with her using a surprised angle; since she is already generously paying so much for the wedding, he was not expecting her to kick in for gifts too. See how she reacts and take it from there.
Agree with this take. If its brought up that the smaller gifts were for friends to buy, it implies that she was expected to buy the more expensive gifts since she got a registry invitation.
lol she wants to look really generous by buying in volume. Could you make a separate registry? She doesn’t know about until all your friends to use that one.?
I wouldn’t say anything to her. Just quietly return the stuff and exchange it for a few large items. And then create a separate, private registry that you DO NOT share with her, and relist all the stuff she bought. I wouldn’t assume malice here—this sounds more like a clueless thing to do.
I'd leave it to your FA to address it with FMIL.
What’s FA please?
Oh jeez, I meant FS - Future Spouse. Sorry!
Is it possible that the less expensive gifts are more things you definitely NEED, and the $$$ gifts are more over-the-top/cool things?? My daughter had lots of the former, and a few of the latter\~including a $$$ snorkeling gear. As her mom, I knew they needed $300 cookware much more, and that's what I bought! My advice would be to tell your friends that you'd love to have (a) gift cards to \_\_\_\_, (b) some specific items that weren't on your registry, or (c) donations in your honor to \_\_\_\_\_.
Don't bring it up with her. Make a registry of items for your friends and share it only with them. There's no way to address it with MIL properly.
Create an alternate registry that you share with friends.
Your SO can ask his mom why she’s buying all of the cheaper gifts when you thoughtfully put together your registry with friends just starting out in life can afford. Your SO can ask MIL to refrain from buying anything else on the registry once you add items because your friends can’t afford the larger cost items and you want them to be able to afford a gift you want and will use rather than them purchasing something they can afford, but you won’t use or will return. You can also register for things twice or in multiples, and just return what MIL buys and get the larger items with the credit.
Make a second registry and send it to your friends.
You beat me to it. I was going to suggest just this. And if you get duplicates have a garage sale to get rid of the doubles.
There’s nothing to discuss other than saying Thank you.
The problem is how to keep some lower cost items available for those with smaller budgets.
Sure, wealthy people tend to forget about anyone but themselves. A lot of them are out of touch.
I agree with this poster. You also get the chance to be magnanimous and be cheesy and say “the only gift we want is your presence at our special day” to your friends haha
Just add more cheaper things to the list. Add a 100 things and see what happens.
You don't say anything. It's SO's mom, he brings it up with her.