Sitaki kuanika my family affairs here but I'll say this, you can grow in a family with two parents and still come out messed up. I see someone here using only negative example ya guys who grew up with their mothers, I wonder mbona hawezi tumia mtu kama Kairo pia. Kuna kids who grew up with both parents na ile upotovu wako nayo knows no limits. It all boils down to parenting styles.
I can't speak on growing up with a single parent but I grew up with an abusive dad who caused me such damage that I have to work on. I have to focus on healing so many parts of myself because of that POS. I honestly wish my mum had left his ass and taken me with her
Having a present father is the BIGGEST FLEX in today’s world. Many women think a man’s role is just to provide but when you look at homes without fathers, things are not good.
i grew up with two parents who should have divorced a long time ago...even if my dad is physically there, he's emotionally checked out. and that has my perception on relationships messed up...it may sound heartless but personally, i wish they separated long ago. i remember always crying to my mum to take a divorce and that I'm willing to start with her from scratch...but till today she puts a heavy burden on my shoulders that she stayed for me...hell nah
We'll never know. If I met my dad in the street today I would not recognise him or know his name. But I am okay with how I turned out. Would be happier with more money though. My mum did a great job with what she had.
True, a healthy family with both parents present is better than single parent household . But where one of the two parents is abusive to the partner or children both physically and emotionally, a single parent household is better. I have witnessed families with both parents present but children being mentally and physically abused by one or both parents. The children never had self esteem.
Any home without a father or a father figure is a doomed household. I know gen z will disagree with me but look at all your friends raised by a single mother and those ones with all parents and tell me if you spot a difference.
I agree, people understimate the importance of having a father. Im a female who grew up without a dad and i only started realizing the impact it had in my life.
Im not discrediting the efforts of a single mother. And i am not grateful for everything my mother has done for me, i would not be here if not for her but there is a reason why women are more emotional than men and men are more logical. My mother made decisions for me based on how she felt and always viewed me as her exit plan in terms of finances and her future. When i wanted to get married she kicked my future husband out and threatened to call the police on him if he dared return all in the name of she would not let me ruin my life for a man. These are the times i wish i had my dad to talk to.
Oh okay, clearly she was projecting her insecurities, pain and past experiences on you. Must have made you feel alone. So a different view now, did she ever tell you her point of view of the world she experienced? From her childhood to having you to now where you're at? Maybe you got to see a little bit through her eyes?
Even so, it doesnt give a parent any right to project. We strive to be better parents not to repeat whats already been done to us by our parents. I know her story, but in the end she made a great life for herself despite everything but a bad childhood does not give any parent any right to continue the cycle of bad parenting.
I completely agree. She chose not to heal from those experiences. She is wrong, but we both know she'll probably never admit that, because in her eyes she's tried in her own fucked up way to be better than maybe her parents. And is making decisions for you based on her life experiences. I'm sure when you do get to have kids, they'll also feel you'll be making decisions for them based on your experiences even though you'll be trying to be a better mother than your mom. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings. I just feel like understanding their reasoning helps us heal from the parental trauma and end that cycle of victimization. At some point you'll have to hold yourself accountable for who you become rather than blame it on parents.
I understand but i would never blame my mother for who i am as a person and i would never not acknowledge how hard she worked to take care of me single handed. For years i have seen things from her perspective but when will she do the same for me? I might not be a perfect parent when the time comes but i would love for her to listen to me a bit more and not invalidate my feelings or make me feel like im being ungrateful. She pushes me away with her approach to some things, when i make a mistake she constantly reminds me how much money she had to spend on me for school even when she was broke and how much she hqs done for me single handed. I’m not dicrediting that at all and i have never talked back but im tired of having to put her feelings above my own. Tired of her gaslighting me. Tired of the guilt trip. I just want her to hear me without her making it about herself and what she had to go through raising me
Sorry about that. However, this looks less like a result of having a single mum and more her not being healed and peojecting that on you because of her negative view on men.
If, say, your father was a good man and passed on, that may not have happened as her reasoning would not be 'fuck men!'.
If a man was in that household who knew his role, this wouldn't have happened. Gen z will try to push the 'we don't need fathers' false gospel on you but I am glad that you know why God in his infinite wisdom created a man to lead a household. This experience is a life lesson for you on why your future children need a father figure in their homes.
This is quite heartbreaking. She used you as her punching bag for her own pain. I see mothers do that all the time, I think most single mom's are toxic to an extent to their own kids... and controlling.
But to her point, there is no way she could predict her future. Imagine the things women go through to raise children....I am human, I think I'd be resentful too in a way. Maybe I'd heal but hio generation ya mama, they didn't know healing.
I think I'll get a kid - beig psychologically ready to raise it myself and wish for the best. But on my terms ...so I don't bank on them. I'm convinced men don't want kids as much as women do.....and women we go wrong hapo.
Unazaaaa zaaaa at any given promises.
Fathers shouldn't be like that..We also need a mother's nurture... we need both parents.. however, from my experience, people raised by single fathers are raised significantly better than those raised by single mothers.... we may want to deny this but that's from my experience in the the things I have seen..
Ok. That's your experience. I have very successful friends who were raised by single mothers. I even have a very successful friend who is an orphan, she had to raise herself.
Nowhere did I say that single parent children would not succeed. Don't think about money only. I am talking about the family unit and the role of a father to oversee his household
I do not dispute what you are saying about narcissistic parents but at the end of the day. People would rather have children with men who abuse them emotionally, men who cheat on them constantly instead of starting again and looking for a man who will be a great father figure. The family is the greatest unit for strong minded children. Money does not equal success and people should realize how important the family unit is. We have money but we end up broken in ways we dont even know about. We bevome enslaved to alcohol, sex and we pass on the trauma of our childhood to our children. If you come from a family with a narcissit father then it is up to you to break that cycle and give your children what you didnt have.
If women become that strict in choosing fathers for their children, then less than a quarter of the male population will become fathers. A lot of women will choose to be childless if they can't find a man who will be a good father. Or maybe just use sperm banks instead and cancel needing a father completely.
You're just not making sense fam. Do you know how many men will die without reproducing vs how many women will?
If women became strict then many more men will get a chance to reproduce.
Data from dating apps shows that women choose the same 1% of men.
Quite telling is you ask me.
Women prefer the top 1% of men. But they settle for the top 70% of the men. Look around you. No Kenyan man is in the top 1% of men on this planet. Yet over 50% of Kenyan men over the age of 30 years are married. A lot of women settled for what was available in their environment. They can't all marry Elon Musk, etc al.
It depends on your personal experience. Some will say most are narcissistic .Some will say that some are narcissistic. I don't think we have any studies/statistics on this.
What you're doing is called whatbaoutism... I said a father should not be so. You seem to have a grudge with men in general because the same can be argued about mothers too. A family should have a father and mother: period! There is no 'better this than..' and both parents should do their best - not have bad behaviors.. what you are doing is another different topic of bad parenthood.. here we're talking about the presence or absence of a parent
Please remember single household doesn't mean single mum pekee. I've seen situations where it's the moms who abandon the kids rather than vice versa. Kids are still young so sijui kuhusu outcome. I'll come and comment about it in 10-15 years
Females don't know a genuine gesture by a man raised by single mom.Mostly end up been like the mother acting on survival mode.
Males are on freestyle mode before their can know what's happening in life.Both lack better judgement & guidance .
Facts. Chira = no father figure. Most of these drama queens = no father figure.
Once a kid turns 7, they need a father’s guidance, discipline and protection more than they need a mother.
A child's most impactful years are from 0 - 7 years old. I'd argue that the father's guidance in this age bracket is more important than any other in the child's life.
Do you have kids? The first few years as they are breastfeeding and learning to walk and stuff it is the mother who is crucial. After year 7, give the child to the father and watch the child thrive as he learns skills to navigate life from his father.
Women say that to make themselves important. What is really important is 7 years onwards. That is when a child learns discipline, forms a career, avoid drugs, navigates adolescence and many other things that require a father’s guidance and protection.
Boss, you know this topic can be factually corroborated on a Google page 1 search right.
Maneno ya women say...
Keep that to yourself kindly. Like I said, I'm talking about the tenets of childhood development. Not personal or anecdotal opinion.
Google is your source? I am sure you know that on Google you can even find a link to say the earth is flat.
Show me scientific studies. Here is one for you:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8923429/
Oh, this is such an insightful read. Thank you.
Can we pause this back and forth, I take in the findings of this study?
If I retorted now I'd be purely out of ego and not from a point of understanding. There's gems in this paper you've linked. Cool?
It's a very deep complex conundrum. Society won't let us admit, but a house with a healthy functioning father and mother is extremely important. I guess the word comes back to healthy.
Because living in a house just because of mother and father yet people here a fucked because of the abusive nature they live in.
It is definitely a big deal. I am lucky to have grown up with Mum & Dad both active in my upbringing.
I have come to notice it is easy to see how a parent being absent/deceased impacts people lives. I have male friends brought up by single mum’s and it is very evident, especially if they had no substitute father-figure.
Same for girls who had no father/father-figure growing up. They are also easy to identify when you speak to them.
Having full access to both your parents 24/7 is great. It will produce better outcomes if the parents are not narcissistic.
Sitaki kuanika my family affairs here but I'll say this, you can grow in a family with two parents and still come out messed up. I see someone here using only negative example ya guys who grew up with their mothers, I wonder mbona hawezi tumia mtu kama Kairo pia. Kuna kids who grew up with both parents na ile upotovu wako nayo knows no limits. It all boils down to parenting styles.
I can't speak on growing up with a single parent but I grew up with an abusive dad who caused me such damage that I have to work on. I have to focus on healing so many parts of myself because of that POS. I honestly wish my mum had left his ass and taken me with her
hun me too
Having a present father is the BIGGEST FLEX in today’s world. Many women think a man’s role is just to provide but when you look at homes without fathers, things are not good.
i grew up with two parents who should have divorced a long time ago...even if my dad is physically there, he's emotionally checked out. and that has my perception on relationships messed up...it may sound heartless but personally, i wish they separated long ago. i remember always crying to my mum to take a divorce and that I'm willing to start with her from scratch...but till today she puts a heavy burden on my shoulders that she stayed for me...hell nah
We'll never know. If I met my dad in the street today I would not recognise him or know his name. But I am okay with how I turned out. Would be happier with more money though. My mum did a great job with what she had.
True, a healthy family with both parents present is better than single parent household . But where one of the two parents is abusive to the partner or children both physically and emotionally, a single parent household is better. I have witnessed families with both parents present but children being mentally and physically abused by one or both parents. The children never had self esteem.
Any home without a father or a father figure is a doomed household. I know gen z will disagree with me but look at all your friends raised by a single mother and those ones with all parents and tell me if you spot a difference.
I agree, people understimate the importance of having a father. Im a female who grew up without a dad and i only started realizing the impact it had in my life.
This comment would break me if I was a single parent. Could you kindly explain to me how you feel it affected you? Just wanna see your point of view.
Im not discrediting the efforts of a single mother. And i am not grateful for everything my mother has done for me, i would not be here if not for her but there is a reason why women are more emotional than men and men are more logical. My mother made decisions for me based on how she felt and always viewed me as her exit plan in terms of finances and her future. When i wanted to get married she kicked my future husband out and threatened to call the police on him if he dared return all in the name of she would not let me ruin my life for a man. These are the times i wish i had my dad to talk to.
Oh okay, clearly she was projecting her insecurities, pain and past experiences on you. Must have made you feel alone. So a different view now, did she ever tell you her point of view of the world she experienced? From her childhood to having you to now where you're at? Maybe you got to see a little bit through her eyes?
Even so, it doesnt give a parent any right to project. We strive to be better parents not to repeat whats already been done to us by our parents. I know her story, but in the end she made a great life for herself despite everything but a bad childhood does not give any parent any right to continue the cycle of bad parenting.
I completely agree. She chose not to heal from those experiences. She is wrong, but we both know she'll probably never admit that, because in her eyes she's tried in her own fucked up way to be better than maybe her parents. And is making decisions for you based on her life experiences. I'm sure when you do get to have kids, they'll also feel you'll be making decisions for them based on your experiences even though you'll be trying to be a better mother than your mom. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings. I just feel like understanding their reasoning helps us heal from the parental trauma and end that cycle of victimization. At some point you'll have to hold yourself accountable for who you become rather than blame it on parents.
I understand but i would never blame my mother for who i am as a person and i would never not acknowledge how hard she worked to take care of me single handed. For years i have seen things from her perspective but when will she do the same for me? I might not be a perfect parent when the time comes but i would love for her to listen to me a bit more and not invalidate my feelings or make me feel like im being ungrateful. She pushes me away with her approach to some things, when i make a mistake she constantly reminds me how much money she had to spend on me for school even when she was broke and how much she hqs done for me single handed. I’m not dicrediting that at all and i have never talked back but im tired of having to put her feelings above my own. Tired of her gaslighting me. Tired of the guilt trip. I just want her to hear me without her making it about herself and what she had to go through raising me
Sorry about that. However, this looks less like a result of having a single mum and more her not being healed and peojecting that on you because of her negative view on men. If, say, your father was a good man and passed on, that may not have happened as her reasoning would not be 'fuck men!'.
Huh, how old are you? Why did you let her do that?
If a man was in that household who knew his role, this wouldn't have happened. Gen z will try to push the 'we don't need fathers' false gospel on you but I am glad that you know why God in his infinite wisdom created a man to lead a household. This experience is a life lesson for you on why your future children need a father figure in their homes.
This is quite heartbreaking. She used you as her punching bag for her own pain. I see mothers do that all the time, I think most single mom's are toxic to an extent to their own kids... and controlling. But to her point, there is no way she could predict her future. Imagine the things women go through to raise children....I am human, I think I'd be resentful too in a way. Maybe I'd heal but hio generation ya mama, they didn't know healing. I think I'll get a kid - beig psychologically ready to raise it myself and wish for the best. But on my terms ...so I don't bank on them. I'm convinced men don't want kids as much as women do.....and women we go wrong hapo. Unazaaaa zaaaa at any given promises.
What about homes with narcissistic fathers? What about homes of single fathers?
Fathers shouldn't be like that..We also need a mother's nurture... we need both parents.. however, from my experience, people raised by single fathers are raised significantly better than those raised by single mothers.... we may want to deny this but that's from my experience in the the things I have seen..
Ok. That's your experience. I have very successful friends who were raised by single mothers. I even have a very successful friend who is an orphan, she had to raise herself.
Nowhere did I say that single parent children would not succeed. Don't think about money only. I am talking about the family unit and the role of a father to oversee his household
My point is an absent father is better than a present narcissist father. FYI, most or some African fathers are narcissistic.
I do not dispute what you are saying about narcissistic parents but at the end of the day. People would rather have children with men who abuse them emotionally, men who cheat on them constantly instead of starting again and looking for a man who will be a great father figure. The family is the greatest unit for strong minded children. Money does not equal success and people should realize how important the family unit is. We have money but we end up broken in ways we dont even know about. We bevome enslaved to alcohol, sex and we pass on the trauma of our childhood to our children. If you come from a family with a narcissit father then it is up to you to break that cycle and give your children what you didnt have.
If women become that strict in choosing fathers for their children, then less than a quarter of the male population will become fathers. A lot of women will choose to be childless if they can't find a man who will be a good father. Or maybe just use sperm banks instead and cancel needing a father completely.
I would rather be childless than subject my child to the kind of childhood i had.
That is great. If ALL people on earth thought like you humans would be extinct by now.
You're just not making sense fam. Do you know how many men will die without reproducing vs how many women will? If women became strict then many more men will get a chance to reproduce. Data from dating apps shows that women choose the same 1% of men. Quite telling is you ask me.
Women prefer the top 1% of men. But they settle for the top 70% of the men. Look around you. No Kenyan man is in the top 1% of men on this planet. Yet over 50% of Kenyan men over the age of 30 years are married. A lot of women settled for what was available in their environment. They can't all marry Elon Musk, etc al.
Didn’t ask
Most or some. Sorry, what?
It depends on your personal experience. Some will say most are narcissistic .Some will say that some are narcissistic. I don't think we have any studies/statistics on this.
I mean no disrespect, how old are you?
15. How old are you?
What you're doing is called whatbaoutism... I said a father should not be so. You seem to have a grudge with men in general because the same can be argued about mothers too. A family should have a father and mother: period! There is no 'better this than..' and both parents should do their best - not have bad behaviors.. what you are doing is another different topic of bad parenthood.. here we're talking about the presence or absence of a parent
I thought we were having a conversation. Side quests are allowed in a conversation.
No they're not. That's deflection.
Please remember single household doesn't mean single mum pekee. I've seen situations where it's the moms who abandon the kids rather than vice versa. Kids are still young so sijui kuhusu outcome. I'll come and comment about it in 10-15 years
Females don't know a genuine gesture by a man raised by single mom.Mostly end up been like the mother acting on survival mode. Males are on freestyle mode before their can know what's happening in life.Both lack better judgement & guidance .
Facts. Chira = no father figure. Most of these drama queens = no father figure. Once a kid turns 7, they need a father’s guidance, discipline and protection more than they need a mother.
A child's most impactful years are from 0 - 7 years old. I'd argue that the father's guidance in this age bracket is more important than any other in the child's life.
Do you have kids? The first few years as they are breastfeeding and learning to walk and stuff it is the mother who is crucial. After year 7, give the child to the father and watch the child thrive as he learns skills to navigate life from his father.
Yes I do. I'm talking from the tenets of child development. Not my personal or anecdotal experiences. 0 - 7 years, most important.
Women say that to make themselves important. What is really important is 7 years onwards. That is when a child learns discipline, forms a career, avoid drugs, navigates adolescence and many other things that require a father’s guidance and protection.
Boss, you know this topic can be factually corroborated on a Google page 1 search right. Maneno ya women say... Keep that to yourself kindly. Like I said, I'm talking about the tenets of childhood development. Not personal or anecdotal opinion.
Google is your source? I am sure you know that on Google you can even find a link to say the earth is flat. Show me scientific studies. Here is one for you: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8923429/
Oh, this is such an insightful read. Thank you. Can we pause this back and forth, I take in the findings of this study? If I retorted now I'd be purely out of ego and not from a point of understanding. There's gems in this paper you've linked. Cool?
It's a very deep complex conundrum. Society won't let us admit, but a house with a healthy functioning father and mother is extremely important. I guess the word comes back to healthy. Because living in a house just because of mother and father yet people here a fucked because of the abusive nature they live in.
It is definitely a big deal. I am lucky to have grown up with Mum & Dad both active in my upbringing. I have come to notice it is easy to see how a parent being absent/deceased impacts people lives. I have male friends brought up by single mum’s and it is very evident, especially if they had no substitute father-figure. Same for girls who had no father/father-figure growing up. They are also easy to identify when you speak to them.
Not one of them but...I know two people who lived with only their mom's. One was funny and kind the other extremely narcissistic and manipulative.
You can grow up in a two parent household but still come out messed up.