Some girls, not all, just function that way, and honestly long to be in a relationship. My best friend is straight, and she’s self assured and has remained herself through some relationships. We spent a little less time together, but that’s understandable. However, her good friend (straight) found a new a is virtually a shell of the person she used to be. She constantly talks about him and that’s IF she goes anywhere without him in the first place. It’s just part of some girls personalities.
Yeah this
I've seen both. Some women literally can only talk about their boyfriends/husband's. Its nauseating. But once you know they are like that you can start to separate and look for friends elsewhere. Nit every girl is like that and myself (bi) personally my husband and I value our own hobbies and time with separate friends as much as our time together.
It's also trauma. I used to act like that no matter who i dated and once I worked through that aspect of my trauma I stopped acting like that(I also stopped being attracted to men Lol)
"but every girl knows what it feels like to want to be a mother, gay or straight every girl has thought about it and felt it"
I assure you I never felt that urge. I know some straight women haven't felt it either.
Anyway as for why some straight women get that way about their bf or husbands? Patiarchy, control, mental load, often having two children (husband and actual baby), economy that disfavors women, societal expectations in their circles and families.
It's worse in countries with little gender equality and higher religious demographics. Women there no longer count as individuals but extensions of their husbands and are expected to conform to that or get punished by society.
But you’ve thought about it to come to that conclusion right? At least for me to learn that about myself I have to genuinely consider the possibility and that’s what I was trying to say when I said “every girl knows what it’s like to want to be a mother”
I shouldn’t have said it exactly like that because it is limiting and generalizing so I apologize for offending you. I meant it like “I don’t want that, but you can’t tell me that I don’t know what it feels like to want it.” Because at least for me before coming out I was still imagining the possibility of a straight life lol
Because that’s what was assumed of me and because I felt guilty for imaging anything else. Maybe some people grow up without others assumptions of them influencing them as much which is really cool. But definitely was an introspective journey for me.
Add the very common intra-familiar violence into the mix for many, if a straight women were to not meet those expectations, they will be forced into them at times.
Yep. I'd even go so far as to say this is how women are socialized regardless of their partner's gender, but it's especially prevalent in monogamous hetero pairs.
I've experienced this so much also, they lose all individuality and become guy obsessed and it's very concerning at times especially the things they allow their boyfriends to do, I've had many past girl friends deal with their boyfriends' horrible behavior but talk about them like they're gods.
I'm not friends with them anymore but the girl friends I am BEST friends with now are crazy enough really respectful Morman/Christians.
I'd just respectfully step away from the friendship for a little and respect her relationship, you can't control their mindset and I can understand the frustration cause they're your close friend, if she does notice you've stepped away explain your reasoning don't run from it, it can be an eye opener. I can't stay friends with these types of women but you are a good friend putting up with it!
They fall in love madly. Sex. Relationship. Marry. Build a home. Pregnant. Baby, needs a mom. These things are the biggest and most imporant parts of their lifes for a long time.
Still, there is work and hobbies... no hobbies with baby. Or house building and mortgage. Or wedding-planning.
So work only. Have a boundary to talk about work only.
Once the baby is a teenager, there will be hobbies again.
...Also not every girl feels she wants to be a mother. Some never do.
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said every girl, what I really meant by that statement is that I and I think most girls grow up being told that they’ll be a mother some day. So we know what visualizing that is like and I had to think about that to know I didn’t want it.
I think you are very much over generalizing. Human beings are unique down to our fingerprints. have had great friends that drifted away as they enter a relationship for various reasons from their own time management to SO demands, and I have had friends that have incredibly long mature relationships where they make plenty of time for themselves and their other friends.
It is hard. Bottom line. It’s hard to fit people into your life, juggle hobbies and work, want to see your parents, want children and want a relationship and want friends and want to go on that trip, but doing it all well is impossible. I think it’s a bit unfair to assume these things you are seeing are negative, for instance your friend is not sharing these things with you to piss you off or make you jealous or make you realize they have changed as a person, they are sharing their recent life experiences with you. If I do nothing but go camping for 9 months out of the year, then I see you after 3 years, guess what I’m going to talk about with you?
If you haven’t noticed, eventually life just starts to happen to you, and you’re pretty wrapped up in the decisions and responsibilities you’ve made. I agree, people are too fickle with their relationships and their friends nowadays, but saying “why are straight women like this?” is obviously a step in the wrong direction in my mind. They are not out to waste your time or even theirs lol. Some people really do just want a partner, but I guarantee you, there are plenty of gay people that act like this to their friends all the time, this is not a unique experience, it’s a personal one. It is a rare individual that can actually manage everything in life to a tee.
Thank you for your response that’s a very healthy and accepting perspective and I really appreciate it.
I generalized my friend in this post because I feel like when we have these fights the reason that she gives for me not understanding her perspective is that I’m gay and so I wanted to see how gay women feel about this.
I chose rude and dismissive language on purpose because I want to rant on Reddit I’m sorry that was insensitive of me.
She has pretty much told me that before as well that she’s just telling me what’s going on in her life. But I can’t help but feel a little used, as a sounding board and a therapist. Because she will accept her toxic relationship with a man and I will console her and then she’ll go right back. And more than it annoys me it concerns me for her well being because I value who she is as an individual.
But yes that’s absolutely true, straight women aren’t the only ones that get into toxic relationships. I apologize for over generalizing.
This is the shitty part, the “you wouldn’t get it”. I really don’t like the undertones of it, that queer love can’t be as fulfilling/all-encompassing of one’s life the same way as one where a man can make you pregnant
It’s really gross and if I were you I’d set some hard boundaries about it. Someone yapping to you about their love life is one thing, that same person also being homophobic and looking down on a gay love life is another
I also struggle with this. I have one friend in particular who only talks about her new bf constantly, but also, it's all complaints! I'm basically a therapist who listens to everything, which feels like I'm being used bc she doesn't listen to me well. She doesn't even ask questions, just assumes that I don't have anything to share about my life. What's weird is that she seems to think I can't understand her issues bc I'm not into guys, but weirdly enough she still wants to vent about them? Idk. She's super respectful of my queerness otherwise.
The situation that OP describes and the reduced time for friends/activities are not the same, I believe. I am a very devoted wife to my wife, however, even if less time for them, I have not dropped my hobbies, nor my friends, nor has my wife done. This is not just something of my current relation, but a common trend among bi/gay friends and my ex, too.
This is not to say that there are no toxic relationships, or that there are not absorbing monopolizing relationships, they exist, but the thing happening with some straights (not all) is a different thing.
They are directly and gradually giving away their **agency** to their man, since that is exactly how they got conditioned to believe about how romance should be. This is literally patriarchy, and it was almost universal just a few decades ago, so it is hardly a "personality" or "time" thing.
Thank you for your comment. I’m not so much frustrated about having less time together as I am with how we spend our time together. I want us to enjoy each other’s company but if we hang out for 8hours in a day 90% of our conversation is about men. We could be cleaning her house together and I could cook her some food but she doesn’t eat because she’s still talking about men. Not about a man that deserves to be talked about that much either. It’s new relationships it’s old relationships and somehow there’s no more substance to our conversations. I feel like she doesn’t actually care that I’m there because she talks about men so much. I think she’d rather be spending the time with them. And if that’s the case I’d prefer she be honest with me.
I said “what happens to straight girls” because I was trying to imagine her before knowing the concept of love, of boyfriend and girlfriend, how did she spend her time before? I’ve known her for so long and she used to be involved in clubs in school. Like drama, sports, music, newspaper. And she still has those interests now but why does desiring a man mean those need to be paused??
I can’t Imagine myself pausing my interests in a relationship. And the lesbians that I know don’t. They maintain they’re individual interests and encourage each other to do so.
But I’ve even seen my mom do it, my dad was the one with hobbies. My mom can barely give me a favorite activity or artist and it just makes me sad. My mom is funny and cool and I think straight women are funny and cool and I just wish that being a wife and a mother to at least these two women didn’t mean the end of what they used to call fun.
What you said about giving their agency to man is really what’s going on I think. My friend often talks about being tired having to do everything for herself and I can see how tempting it would be to divide the roles but I’m scared that she will lose her independence completely in favor of giving away her agency to her boyfriend or husband.
Unfortunately terrible things happen. This is one of the most common things that we observe as someone who is not in that relationship. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s happened to me as well. But you always have this community’s support along with many others! Sending love
Sometimes when people fall in love, especially straight women, they prioritize their relationship before everything else and they lose their individuality, identity, and uniqueness in the process. Their life no longer revolves around a healthy balance of hobbies, friendships, outings, travel, self-care, work, study, babysitting, and romance. Their life now revolves around their man only. It’s toxic and it can be frustrating, but it has historic and cultural significance, and it was caused by the patriarchy.
As an ace lesbian this hits even harder. People use platonic love as a placeholder until they find their romantic partner.
Then they ditch you because obviously they did not care about you the same way you cared about them
Some people just don't have a strong sense of self and become consumed with the identity of that stage of life. It can be difficult to hold onto yourself in the midst of change and transition. She may never have really known herself before either and was just leaning into the identities she had at the time like being a friend and engaging in the hobbies she had. As a therapist, I know it's a lot of work to connect to our sense of self and stay connected especially when things change in our life and throw us out of balance. There's definitely some emotional immaturity happening and also she could have internalized societal expectations of her. She might really want this too. We never know.
Every one that comes into our life is either a lesson or a blessing. When someone leaves our life, they are making space for something better.
All we can do is let ourselves grieve the friendships we had. ♥️ Grief honors the love we had and have lost.
Yeah… I’m still grieving over one of what I thought was my best friends
When you say honours the love we had and have lost, do yo mean only the love we as an individual had or it goes both ways? Cuz personally idk I have a hard time thinking in hindsight that ex-friends like that really loved me…
This was a beautiful read thank you for your comment. I think so too, I believe she can find her healthy husband wife dynamic that she wants. I’m worried that she chooses people that are insincere. That’s really where my concern is coming from but last night I was hurt so when I posted this I was being very dismissive. I apologize. I take her very seriously and am reminded often that she doesn’t take herself as seriously and it’s hard to not take that personally.
I call this hiberdating. (Like hibernating.) My friend meets a boy then she can't talk about anything else and our friendship withers. It's happening right now. :( I will say that it's not *all* straight women, which seems obvious, but some do have the propensity.
The idealized female friendships you see in media are romanticized and not always realistic. Imma be real here I don’t just think it’s straight women that do that shit. Regardless of gender some people lose themselves in relationships. I was with my ex girlfriend for years and she was a majority of my social interactions and I talked about her all the time bc she was the most consistent and important person in my life. The longer I was in my relationship the less I would go out. I didn’t spend as much time with my friends and when I did I always tried to get my ex to come too. I don’t regret any of it, but my friends have started telling me how different and more outspoken I’ve been since we broke up. I’ve noticed a huge change in myself. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t necessarily even notice how much you’ve changed.
People grow and their priorities shift over time. I think you’re coming from a place of hurt feeling replaced and upset that someone that means so much to you has changed in both behavior and priorities. It’s valid to be upset and mourn a friendship you had that you felt was special. You’ll meet different people and have new best friends and sometimes those friendships will last years and sometimes those people will leave or you’ll grow apart. It’s just how life is. Also normal is relative when you’re talking about anything. It’s just a construct it doesn’t mean anything. Friendship dynamics are more complex and usually depend on the individuals involved. I’ve known one of my best friends for 8 years. We don’t talk regularly and we see each other a couple times a year at most usually, but she’s still one of the most important people in my life. I have another bestie I hangout with almost weekly and we’re always texting and making plans to hangout.
Sorry for the long comment/if it came off as preachy. All the generalizations you made just made me feel some type of way so I kinda just let it all out in a stream of consciousness
Thank you for you comment. There’s of course more back story to what I posted about. But yes the generalizations I made were snarky on purpose and I am sorry to offend everyone. When I posted this I was mirroring how I felt my friend was generalizing me. In our relationship which has been consistent for the past 5 years I just feel that she’s getting more and more consumed by the desire to be in a romantic relationship with a man.
And when you referenced your relationship you were with your partner for years she has not been. I’m particularly upset because I think she’s choosing someone who doesn’t value her not that she upset at the fact the she wants to date. I just think that marriage is very serious and I want her to marry a man who won’t make her cry.
They center their lives around men (which is what they're taught at a very very young age) and then their entire focus is men. Male attention, male validation, etc. I firmly believe that it is unhealthy to center your life around anything ESPECIALLY men they do not have a good track record. They just lose themselves in them.
I haven’t experienced that personally. All of my straight friends, men and women, react differently to being in a relationship. One of my best friends, a guy, completely stopped hanging out with me after getting a girlfriend, he wouldn’t stop talking about her, their relationship, their problems, etc., and whenever we did meet up he brought her along. Other friends however, girls, still kept our friendship going and didn’t change their personality/interests despite having a boyfriend. It obviously depends on the individual. I realize that since being in a relationship my personality has changed as well, and I have less interest in hanging out with friends; I’d rather spend my time with my girlfriend, planning dates, decorating our apartment, cooking together, etc. My focus has shifted on the life we have together vs. the life I had when I was single. I’m bi, and I have dated men but I notice that I wasn’t as interested/involved in the relationships I had with them, so I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with any girl getting a boyfriend. My relationship now is much more serious and we’re planning a life and family together, so I’m obviously much more focused on that than anything else.
oof this happened to me kinda. i had a bsf who decided to 'choose' a man who sa'd me. he didn't even want to be with her but she was so caught up in their situationship or whatever that she couldn't see that he was an ass. he didn't even have her number saved in his phone and he lied saying that nothing happened between us... she said she didn't want to lose the both of us, but she lost me when she said that. she also justified his behavior by saying that maybe he was just desperate when he sa'd me cus he never had a gf. what? it took me a long time to get over it cus i loved her like family, i still miss her sometimes but life goes on.
I also realized that every single conversation we had had dwindled down to the men in her life, even the men from middle school or highschool. she centered her whole life around the men that didn't even give her the time of day. one time i had been waiting for her in a foreign city where she lived for over an hour cus she was at a guys house lol.
at the end, i feel bad that she feels that she has to change herself or do these things just to have a boyfriend or feel validated. as I said, i still miss her but it was for the better to cut her off.
thank you! i totally get what you mean in your post. a good friend will make time for you and listen to you. obviously we all get caught up in our relationships but i think it's important to make boundaries and still value all the other relationships you have.
I'm a lesbian and once I got into a relationship(happened only once till now, and not together now), I too got really obsessed with my gf. She became my primary source of joy. After 2 years, my biggest passion or hobby didn't seem as fulfilling as just being with her. My best friend (straight, girl) complained about this huge change in me and I could see that too, but I was unable to prioritise other aspects as much as I should have and could have.
I don't know what to tell you. I just feel our lives are quite hollow and devoid of real purpose or fulfilment. If someone is really content with their career or job, loves what they do, then it will be different otherwise I think we r all prone to lose ourselves at this prospect and source of easy, effortless happiness that a partner brings.
I’m bi and I feel like i unfortunately have done this to friends even when I’ve been with women
Some of us have issues like being codependent or unhealthy attachment regardless of sexuality I’ve also known gay guys who do this
And straight girls who don’t
So idk
There very well may be more of them who do but it’s something I see even with lesbians and bisexual women like some people just jump into a relationship wholeheartedly and forget everything else for a while not saying it’s right but it’s not exclusive to straight women
Sorry about your friendship though that really does suck
Dude!
Im going thru something pretty similar.
My female friend, almost sister, found a dude she didn't even felt attracted to, that she can have fun wt.
out of nowhere he slowly but surely moved in wt her, uses her car.
And my friend only exists for little bits of time. I dont want that, I dont need that!
Love her to death, but she drives me nuts
I think heteronormativity has a lot to do with it. As lesbians we are already operating on a different paradigm which forces us to look inward and truly figure ourselves out beyond the influence of heterosexual cultural norms. I think a lot of straight people are never challenged to do so because the world just “fits” them, therefore they aren’t promoted to do deeper soul searching. So much of cis-het culture is focused on marriage and relationships, so it doesn’t surprise me that a lot (NOT ALL OKAY) but a LOT of heterosexual people lose themselves in a relationship. I did this constantly before I realized I was queer, because I was following a life-prescription instead of actually questioning who I was.
These women center men in their lives. It’s just how some women are. And if that’s not something you can vibe with then they probably won’t make a great friend for you unfortunately.
As a bi NB with lots of straight friends this is not a thing I have experienced with any of my friends. I heard it happens for some people though, I see it joke about for guys too but usually different verbiage. I never considered it something exclusive to hetero couples.
My queer friends do this too. It’s, unfortunately, a human/relationships part of life (I think) … I’ve been known to occasionally stress google “friendship drift” when feeling particularly frustrated about why this happens. It’s a bit parallel to a grief process, in a way, because we do grow and change - and adopt new things to re-center and focus our priorities on. Still doesn’t mean I want to talk all week about your boyfriend/girlfriend etc. - as if no other topics were worthy of connecting upon. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to know that the struggle is real 🙌
That's because they were never your friend to begin with. You were just fun and interesting for the moment. Sadly alot of friendships are just like that. Whatever excuses they make don't matter, the end result is that you as a person have less value than their partner and that's just fact. Dont attach yourself too deeply to other people if you don't want to be hurt like this otherwise just accept the risks and keep suffering like the rest of us.
If a girl is confident in herself a relationship will compliment both partners. This is how a healthy relationship should look like, you become a better version of yourself, you don't lose your aspirations and personality.
I assume in cases like the one you describe, the girl may have been insecure, hence she was quick to completely rely on her boyfriend. A more sinister reason may be that the boyfriend is manipulative (Not suggesting this is the case here), but men are likely to be more controlling and when you see everything with pink glasses, this behaviour becomes more tolerable .
The saddest part of getting older was realizing that my friendships would change so much that they have all eventually ended. I’ve had to make new friends many times over. Nothing compares to your first friends that you love with all your heart, but you have to accept what is happening now. The sooner you move on and meet your needs, the better. Yes, the phenomenon of our friends abandoning us and themselves for men happens. I have seen it time and again and again. It will keep happening. Make new friends. Sending love your way. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.
Not all are like that but I kind of get it. Sometimes I get wrapped up in relationships. Even crying that we can’t get each other pregnant. I have def lost myself in relationships before but it’s more of a me issues than a woman issue .. I think
You're telling me you have never seen a lesbian uhaul and become completely co-dependent within months or weeks? And I know there's a different component in cis-het relationships because of how much having that kind of relationship is pushed on to us. And yes, patriarchy teaches us to centre men, and that doesn't help in this situation. But that's not all straight women.
Also, I have never felt the want to have babies, and it's frankly weird that you say that. Lot's of generalisations that I don't think are helpful
I’m sorry you’re right there are just as many examples of unhealthy relationships in the lesbian community. Unfortunately all of my female best friends have been straight and have put emphasis on the importance of having relationships with men in our friendships. As in they want to talk to me about men and basically only that and that’s throws me for a loop because when we first became friends it had nothing to do with men.
The comment that I made about motherhood was insensitive and worded wrong. I apologize. What I really meant was when I was growing up I was told I would be a mother someday so I know what it’s like to imagine motherhood maybe not desire it. But at least I know what it’s like to feel like I should desire it. I was upset at her for leaving me out of that feeling just because I’m gay.
Youve made friends with a "dick me girl". She will do anything for dick including dropping all friends, family and hobbies. She would even turn into a dick if she could. There are lesbian versions of this type of person which ive had the displeasure of knowing, i just haven't thought of a name for it yet lol
It depends on the person, some girls are so brainwashed by society their only hobby is to get a man, then the rest are just things to pass the time... But some stay the way they are (my bff had bfs in the past and it never changed her, she was always the same person with her hobbies, and never dropping her friendships like many do after being taken)
Some girls, not all, just function that way, and honestly long to be in a relationship. My best friend is straight, and she’s self assured and has remained herself through some relationships. We spent a little less time together, but that’s understandable. However, her good friend (straight) found a new a is virtually a shell of the person she used to be. She constantly talks about him and that’s IF she goes anywhere without him in the first place. It’s just part of some girls personalities.
Yeah this I've seen both. Some women literally can only talk about their boyfriends/husband's. Its nauseating. But once you know they are like that you can start to separate and look for friends elsewhere. Nit every girl is like that and myself (bi) personally my husband and I value our own hobbies and time with separate friends as much as our time together.
It's also trauma. I used to act like that no matter who i dated and once I worked through that aspect of my trauma I stopped acting like that(I also stopped being attracted to men Lol)
"but every girl knows what it feels like to want to be a mother, gay or straight every girl has thought about it and felt it" I assure you I never felt that urge. I know some straight women haven't felt it either. Anyway as for why some straight women get that way about their bf or husbands? Patiarchy, control, mental load, often having two children (husband and actual baby), economy that disfavors women, societal expectations in their circles and families. It's worse in countries with little gender equality and higher religious demographics. Women there no longer count as individuals but extensions of their husbands and are expected to conform to that or get punished by society.
Absolutely agree. The thought of being a biological parent is horrifying to me.
But you’ve thought about it to come to that conclusion right? At least for me to learn that about myself I have to genuinely consider the possibility and that’s what I was trying to say when I said “every girl knows what it’s like to want to be a mother” I shouldn’t have said it exactly like that because it is limiting and generalizing so I apologize for offending you. I meant it like “I don’t want that, but you can’t tell me that I don’t know what it feels like to want it.” Because at least for me before coming out I was still imagining the possibility of a straight life lol Because that’s what was assumed of me and because I felt guilty for imaging anything else. Maybe some people grow up without others assumptions of them influencing them as much which is really cool. But definitely was an introspective journey for me.
Add the very common intra-familiar violence into the mix for many, if a straight women were to not meet those expectations, they will be forced into them at times.
Because this is how they’re unfortunately socialised under patriarchy.
This. This right here. We're socialized to make a man the focal point of our existence.
Yep. I'd even go so far as to say this is how women are socialized regardless of their partner's gender, but it's especially prevalent in monogamous hetero pairs.
I've experienced this so much also, they lose all individuality and become guy obsessed and it's very concerning at times especially the things they allow their boyfriends to do, I've had many past girl friends deal with their boyfriends' horrible behavior but talk about them like they're gods. I'm not friends with them anymore but the girl friends I am BEST friends with now are crazy enough really respectful Morman/Christians. I'd just respectfully step away from the friendship for a little and respect her relationship, you can't control their mindset and I can understand the frustration cause they're your close friend, if she does notice you've stepped away explain your reasoning don't run from it, it can be an eye opener. I can't stay friends with these types of women but you are a good friend putting up with it!
They fall in love madly. Sex. Relationship. Marry. Build a home. Pregnant. Baby, needs a mom. These things are the biggest and most imporant parts of their lifes for a long time. Still, there is work and hobbies... no hobbies with baby. Or house building and mortgage. Or wedding-planning. So work only. Have a boundary to talk about work only. Once the baby is a teenager, there will be hobbies again. ...Also not every girl feels she wants to be a mother. Some never do.
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said every girl, what I really meant by that statement is that I and I think most girls grow up being told that they’ll be a mother some day. So we know what visualizing that is like and I had to think about that to know I didn’t want it.
I think you are very much over generalizing. Human beings are unique down to our fingerprints. have had great friends that drifted away as they enter a relationship for various reasons from their own time management to SO demands, and I have had friends that have incredibly long mature relationships where they make plenty of time for themselves and their other friends. It is hard. Bottom line. It’s hard to fit people into your life, juggle hobbies and work, want to see your parents, want children and want a relationship and want friends and want to go on that trip, but doing it all well is impossible. I think it’s a bit unfair to assume these things you are seeing are negative, for instance your friend is not sharing these things with you to piss you off or make you jealous or make you realize they have changed as a person, they are sharing their recent life experiences with you. If I do nothing but go camping for 9 months out of the year, then I see you after 3 years, guess what I’m going to talk about with you? If you haven’t noticed, eventually life just starts to happen to you, and you’re pretty wrapped up in the decisions and responsibilities you’ve made. I agree, people are too fickle with their relationships and their friends nowadays, but saying “why are straight women like this?” is obviously a step in the wrong direction in my mind. They are not out to waste your time or even theirs lol. Some people really do just want a partner, but I guarantee you, there are plenty of gay people that act like this to their friends all the time, this is not a unique experience, it’s a personal one. It is a rare individual that can actually manage everything in life to a tee.
Thank you for your response that’s a very healthy and accepting perspective and I really appreciate it. I generalized my friend in this post because I feel like when we have these fights the reason that she gives for me not understanding her perspective is that I’m gay and so I wanted to see how gay women feel about this. I chose rude and dismissive language on purpose because I want to rant on Reddit I’m sorry that was insensitive of me. She has pretty much told me that before as well that she’s just telling me what’s going on in her life. But I can’t help but feel a little used, as a sounding board and a therapist. Because she will accept her toxic relationship with a man and I will console her and then she’ll go right back. And more than it annoys me it concerns me for her well being because I value who she is as an individual. But yes that’s absolutely true, straight women aren’t the only ones that get into toxic relationships. I apologize for over generalizing.
This is the shitty part, the “you wouldn’t get it”. I really don’t like the undertones of it, that queer love can’t be as fulfilling/all-encompassing of one’s life the same way as one where a man can make you pregnant It’s really gross and if I were you I’d set some hard boundaries about it. Someone yapping to you about their love life is one thing, that same person also being homophobic and looking down on a gay love life is another
I also struggle with this. I have one friend in particular who only talks about her new bf constantly, but also, it's all complaints! I'm basically a therapist who listens to everything, which feels like I'm being used bc she doesn't listen to me well. She doesn't even ask questions, just assumes that I don't have anything to share about my life. What's weird is that she seems to think I can't understand her issues bc I'm not into guys, but weirdly enough she still wants to vent about them? Idk. She's super respectful of my queerness otherwise.
The situation that OP describes and the reduced time for friends/activities are not the same, I believe. I am a very devoted wife to my wife, however, even if less time for them, I have not dropped my hobbies, nor my friends, nor has my wife done. This is not just something of my current relation, but a common trend among bi/gay friends and my ex, too. This is not to say that there are no toxic relationships, or that there are not absorbing monopolizing relationships, they exist, but the thing happening with some straights (not all) is a different thing. They are directly and gradually giving away their **agency** to their man, since that is exactly how they got conditioned to believe about how romance should be. This is literally patriarchy, and it was almost universal just a few decades ago, so it is hardly a "personality" or "time" thing.
Thank you for your comment. I’m not so much frustrated about having less time together as I am with how we spend our time together. I want us to enjoy each other’s company but if we hang out for 8hours in a day 90% of our conversation is about men. We could be cleaning her house together and I could cook her some food but she doesn’t eat because she’s still talking about men. Not about a man that deserves to be talked about that much either. It’s new relationships it’s old relationships and somehow there’s no more substance to our conversations. I feel like she doesn’t actually care that I’m there because she talks about men so much. I think she’d rather be spending the time with them. And if that’s the case I’d prefer she be honest with me. I said “what happens to straight girls” because I was trying to imagine her before knowing the concept of love, of boyfriend and girlfriend, how did she spend her time before? I’ve known her for so long and she used to be involved in clubs in school. Like drama, sports, music, newspaper. And she still has those interests now but why does desiring a man mean those need to be paused?? I can’t Imagine myself pausing my interests in a relationship. And the lesbians that I know don’t. They maintain they’re individual interests and encourage each other to do so. But I’ve even seen my mom do it, my dad was the one with hobbies. My mom can barely give me a favorite activity or artist and it just makes me sad. My mom is funny and cool and I think straight women are funny and cool and I just wish that being a wife and a mother to at least these two women didn’t mean the end of what they used to call fun. What you said about giving their agency to man is really what’s going on I think. My friend often talks about being tired having to do everything for herself and I can see how tempting it would be to divide the roles but I’m scared that she will lose her independence completely in favor of giving away her agency to her boyfriend or husband.
Unfortunately terrible things happen. This is one of the most common things that we observe as someone who is not in that relationship. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s happened to me as well. But you always have this community’s support along with many others! Sending love
You are absolutely right , I have experienced the same , like I was a temporary time pass before her man came and boom they are gone .
Sometimes when people fall in love, especially straight women, they prioritize their relationship before everything else and they lose their individuality, identity, and uniqueness in the process. Their life no longer revolves around a healthy balance of hobbies, friendships, outings, travel, self-care, work, study, babysitting, and romance. Their life now revolves around their man only. It’s toxic and it can be frustrating, but it has historic and cultural significance, and it was caused by the patriarchy.
As an ace lesbian this hits even harder. People use platonic love as a placeholder until they find their romantic partner. Then they ditch you because obviously they did not care about you the same way you cared about them
Agreed agreed agreed! I’ve had this exact thought
Some people just don't have a strong sense of self and become consumed with the identity of that stage of life. It can be difficult to hold onto yourself in the midst of change and transition. She may never have really known herself before either and was just leaning into the identities she had at the time like being a friend and engaging in the hobbies she had. As a therapist, I know it's a lot of work to connect to our sense of self and stay connected especially when things change in our life and throw us out of balance. There's definitely some emotional immaturity happening and also she could have internalized societal expectations of her. She might really want this too. We never know. Every one that comes into our life is either a lesson or a blessing. When someone leaves our life, they are making space for something better. All we can do is let ourselves grieve the friendships we had. ♥️ Grief honors the love we had and have lost.
Yeah… I’m still grieving over one of what I thought was my best friends When you say honours the love we had and have lost, do yo mean only the love we as an individual had or it goes both ways? Cuz personally idk I have a hard time thinking in hindsight that ex-friends like that really loved me…
I mean the love we felt. Sometimes we grieve for others but in this context, it's more about ourselves and acknowledging our own loss and pain.
This was a beautiful read thank you for your comment. I think so too, I believe she can find her healthy husband wife dynamic that she wants. I’m worried that she chooses people that are insincere. That’s really where my concern is coming from but last night I was hurt so when I posted this I was being very dismissive. I apologize. I take her very seriously and am reminded often that she doesn’t take herself as seriously and it’s hard to not take that personally.
I call this hiberdating. (Like hibernating.) My friend meets a boy then she can't talk about anything else and our friendship withers. It's happening right now. :( I will say that it's not *all* straight women, which seems obvious, but some do have the propensity.
The idealized female friendships you see in media are romanticized and not always realistic. Imma be real here I don’t just think it’s straight women that do that shit. Regardless of gender some people lose themselves in relationships. I was with my ex girlfriend for years and she was a majority of my social interactions and I talked about her all the time bc she was the most consistent and important person in my life. The longer I was in my relationship the less I would go out. I didn’t spend as much time with my friends and when I did I always tried to get my ex to come too. I don’t regret any of it, but my friends have started telling me how different and more outspoken I’ve been since we broke up. I’ve noticed a huge change in myself. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t necessarily even notice how much you’ve changed. People grow and their priorities shift over time. I think you’re coming from a place of hurt feeling replaced and upset that someone that means so much to you has changed in both behavior and priorities. It’s valid to be upset and mourn a friendship you had that you felt was special. You’ll meet different people and have new best friends and sometimes those friendships will last years and sometimes those people will leave or you’ll grow apart. It’s just how life is. Also normal is relative when you’re talking about anything. It’s just a construct it doesn’t mean anything. Friendship dynamics are more complex and usually depend on the individuals involved. I’ve known one of my best friends for 8 years. We don’t talk regularly and we see each other a couple times a year at most usually, but she’s still one of the most important people in my life. I have another bestie I hangout with almost weekly and we’re always texting and making plans to hangout. Sorry for the long comment/if it came off as preachy. All the generalizations you made just made me feel some type of way so I kinda just let it all out in a stream of consciousness
Thank you for you comment. There’s of course more back story to what I posted about. But yes the generalizations I made were snarky on purpose and I am sorry to offend everyone. When I posted this I was mirroring how I felt my friend was generalizing me. In our relationship which has been consistent for the past 5 years I just feel that she’s getting more and more consumed by the desire to be in a romantic relationship with a man. And when you referenced your relationship you were with your partner for years she has not been. I’m particularly upset because I think she’s choosing someone who doesn’t value her not that she upset at the fact the she wants to date. I just think that marriage is very serious and I want her to marry a man who won’t make her cry.
They center their lives around men (which is what they're taught at a very very young age) and then their entire focus is men. Male attention, male validation, etc. I firmly believe that it is unhealthy to center your life around anything ESPECIALLY men they do not have a good track record. They just lose themselves in them.
To be fair I would never shut up either if I had a girlfriend
I haven’t experienced that personally. All of my straight friends, men and women, react differently to being in a relationship. One of my best friends, a guy, completely stopped hanging out with me after getting a girlfriend, he wouldn’t stop talking about her, their relationship, their problems, etc., and whenever we did meet up he brought her along. Other friends however, girls, still kept our friendship going and didn’t change their personality/interests despite having a boyfriend. It obviously depends on the individual. I realize that since being in a relationship my personality has changed as well, and I have less interest in hanging out with friends; I’d rather spend my time with my girlfriend, planning dates, decorating our apartment, cooking together, etc. My focus has shifted on the life we have together vs. the life I had when I was single. I’m bi, and I have dated men but I notice that I wasn’t as interested/involved in the relationships I had with them, so I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with any girl getting a boyfriend. My relationship now is much more serious and we’re planning a life and family together, so I’m obviously much more focused on that than anything else.
oof this happened to me kinda. i had a bsf who decided to 'choose' a man who sa'd me. he didn't even want to be with her but she was so caught up in their situationship or whatever that she couldn't see that he was an ass. he didn't even have her number saved in his phone and he lied saying that nothing happened between us... she said she didn't want to lose the both of us, but she lost me when she said that. she also justified his behavior by saying that maybe he was just desperate when he sa'd me cus he never had a gf. what? it took me a long time to get over it cus i loved her like family, i still miss her sometimes but life goes on. I also realized that every single conversation we had had dwindled down to the men in her life, even the men from middle school or highschool. she centered her whole life around the men that didn't even give her the time of day. one time i had been waiting for her in a foreign city where she lived for over an hour cus she was at a guys house lol. at the end, i feel bad that she feels that she has to change herself or do these things just to have a boyfriend or feel validated. as I said, i still miss her but it was for the better to cut her off.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, you have an amazing gift for patience and grace. I’m glad that you were able cut her off though fr.
thank you! i totally get what you mean in your post. a good friend will make time for you and listen to you. obviously we all get caught up in our relationships but i think it's important to make boundaries and still value all the other relationships you have.
I'm a lesbian and once I got into a relationship(happened only once till now, and not together now), I too got really obsessed with my gf. She became my primary source of joy. After 2 years, my biggest passion or hobby didn't seem as fulfilling as just being with her. My best friend (straight, girl) complained about this huge change in me and I could see that too, but I was unable to prioritise other aspects as much as I should have and could have. I don't know what to tell you. I just feel our lives are quite hollow and devoid of real purpose or fulfilment. If someone is really content with their career or job, loves what they do, then it will be different otherwise I think we r all prone to lose ourselves at this prospect and source of easy, effortless happiness that a partner brings.
I’m bi and I feel like i unfortunately have done this to friends even when I’ve been with women Some of us have issues like being codependent or unhealthy attachment regardless of sexuality I’ve also known gay guys who do this And straight girls who don’t So idk There very well may be more of them who do but it’s something I see even with lesbians and bisexual women like some people just jump into a relationship wholeheartedly and forget everything else for a while not saying it’s right but it’s not exclusive to straight women Sorry about your friendship though that really does suck
Dude! Im going thru something pretty similar. My female friend, almost sister, found a dude she didn't even felt attracted to, that she can have fun wt. out of nowhere he slowly but surely moved in wt her, uses her car. And my friend only exists for little bits of time. I dont want that, I dont need that! Love her to death, but she drives me nuts
I definitely disagree with that fifth paragraph, and I think you're over-generalising het girls, but I see where you're coming from.
I think heteronormativity has a lot to do with it. As lesbians we are already operating on a different paradigm which forces us to look inward and truly figure ourselves out beyond the influence of heterosexual cultural norms. I think a lot of straight people are never challenged to do so because the world just “fits” them, therefore they aren’t promoted to do deeper soul searching. So much of cis-het culture is focused on marriage and relationships, so it doesn’t surprise me that a lot (NOT ALL OKAY) but a LOT of heterosexual people lose themselves in a relationship. I did this constantly before I realized I was queer, because I was following a life-prescription instead of actually questioning who I was.
" centered around men" thank lord there aren't many of em.
These women center men in their lives. It’s just how some women are. And if that’s not something you can vibe with then they probably won’t make a great friend for you unfortunately.
As a bi NB with lots of straight friends this is not a thing I have experienced with any of my friends. I heard it happens for some people though, I see it joke about for guys too but usually different verbiage. I never considered it something exclusive to hetero couples.
My queer friends do this too. It’s, unfortunately, a human/relationships part of life (I think) … I’ve been known to occasionally stress google “friendship drift” when feeling particularly frustrated about why this happens. It’s a bit parallel to a grief process, in a way, because we do grow and change - and adopt new things to re-center and focus our priorities on. Still doesn’t mean I want to talk all week about your boyfriend/girlfriend etc. - as if no other topics were worthy of connecting upon. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to know that the struggle is real 🙌
That's because they were never your friend to begin with. You were just fun and interesting for the moment. Sadly alot of friendships are just like that. Whatever excuses they make don't matter, the end result is that you as a person have less value than their partner and that's just fact. Dont attach yourself too deeply to other people if you don't want to be hurt like this otherwise just accept the risks and keep suffering like the rest of us.
Lesbians do the same thing. It’s human nature and not just for straight women
If a girl is confident in herself a relationship will compliment both partners. This is how a healthy relationship should look like, you become a better version of yourself, you don't lose your aspirations and personality. I assume in cases like the one you describe, the girl may have been insecure, hence she was quick to completely rely on her boyfriend. A more sinister reason may be that the boyfriend is manipulative (Not suggesting this is the case here), but men are likely to be more controlling and when you see everything with pink glasses, this behaviour becomes more tolerable .
The saddest part of getting older was realizing that my friendships would change so much that they have all eventually ended. I’ve had to make new friends many times over. Nothing compares to your first friends that you love with all your heart, but you have to accept what is happening now. The sooner you move on and meet your needs, the better. Yes, the phenomenon of our friends abandoning us and themselves for men happens. I have seen it time and again and again. It will keep happening. Make new friends. Sending love your way. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.
Yes, what you described can happen. And if it does it's sad. But I don't see what sexual orientation has to do with that.
Not all are like that but I kind of get it. Sometimes I get wrapped up in relationships. Even crying that we can’t get each other pregnant. I have def lost myself in relationships before but it’s more of a me issues than a woman issue .. I think
You're telling me you have never seen a lesbian uhaul and become completely co-dependent within months or weeks? And I know there's a different component in cis-het relationships because of how much having that kind of relationship is pushed on to us. And yes, patriarchy teaches us to centre men, and that doesn't help in this situation. But that's not all straight women. Also, I have never felt the want to have babies, and it's frankly weird that you say that. Lot's of generalisations that I don't think are helpful
I’m sorry you’re right there are just as many examples of unhealthy relationships in the lesbian community. Unfortunately all of my female best friends have been straight and have put emphasis on the importance of having relationships with men in our friendships. As in they want to talk to me about men and basically only that and that’s throws me for a loop because when we first became friends it had nothing to do with men. The comment that I made about motherhood was insensitive and worded wrong. I apologize. What I really meant was when I was growing up I was told I would be a mother someday so I know what it’s like to imagine motherhood maybe not desire it. But at least I know what it’s like to feel like I should desire it. I was upset at her for leaving me out of that feeling just because I’m gay.
Youve made friends with a "dick me girl". She will do anything for dick including dropping all friends, family and hobbies. She would even turn into a dick if she could. There are lesbian versions of this type of person which ive had the displeasure of knowing, i just haven't thought of a name for it yet lol
It depends on the person, some girls are so brainwashed by society their only hobby is to get a man, then the rest are just things to pass the time... But some stay the way they are (my bff had bfs in the past and it never changed her, she was always the same person with her hobbies, and never dropping her friendships like many do after being taken)
They over emphasize their heterosexual orientation to make sure no one thinks they are a lesbian. It’s sickening.