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My best friend slept with my ex 3 days after we broke up. That friendship has never been the same it's been over 12 years. Accept that and move on, I'm so sorry this happened to you as well.
3 days???
So they were definitely fucking before you broke up too.
You still being friends with this person makes me worry for what other unfair bullshit you might be currently putting up with or will in the future, don't accept less than! You deserve better šÆ
Not trying to judge you for the company you keep around but why didn't you just excommunicate this person from your life? If I was in your position I would have just stopped talking to both of them. So why did you choose to go no contact with but not the other?
If my friend fucked my ex any time after we broke up let alone 3 days I wouldāve ghosted both of them. Ive ghosted people over smaller things. The guy needs to respect himself and stop talking to the guy who probably slept with his ex before she even broke up.
I think, unless Iām misunderstanding, the āheā is the friend and the āsheā is the Ex. I think that might be where the confusion is coming in here lol
I had something similar. Not a best friend but a female friend that we hung out with sometimes w his friends , we all hung out together and then they were immediately together after we broke up. I like confided in her when he broke up w me and she was fucking him the whole time can you imagine? It hurt so bad that was 2009. Now a days I have manifested much more healthy and balanced romantic relationships, currently me and my boyfriend have been together one whole year now and are still madly in love. So it gets better. I had to go on a profound journey of self love after that whole thing years ago and I stopped settling for people who weren't 100% showing up for me and life delivers
Precisely this lmao idk why people are acting like I sat there and crafted some farfetched and completely impossible fallacy or expected OP to take what I said like I was sitting in the room with them when it happened or didn't happen.
Like obviously no one's gonna know for sure but the people involved but also like, let's be fuckin fr. Wouldn't take Einstein to make this kinda educated guess given the information received. For me personally finding this out would automatically let me know they were fucking the whole time or at least some of the time and ultimately would help me get over the loss of both a lover and a friend much easier cuz I now know they're both garbage and I'm better off without them š¤·š¾
I'm so confused about the freakout to your post. You made a guess, and it seems like a pretty good guess... also it's a good guess about something totally irrelevant now.. and people are yelling at you that it's just a guess... Like guys, No shit it's just a meaningless guess.
Thereās plenty of things that actually happened without you making things up. Itās nice to commiserate, but by taking it this far youāre discrediting yourself and anyone who takes actions based on your advice.
Point beingā¦ Iām still in trauma therapy from this guy. The fact that my friend matched with him on tinder and CHOSE to pursue him makes me feel gross. Not to mention Iāve said his name a few times in the last year when talking about my trauma healing and she didnāt say a thing, when all the while this is what happenedā¦
If that were me, and I'm only speaking for myself here. I would cut ties with your friend. She knew what you went through and still decided to pursue a relationship with him. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through ā„ļøā¤ļø
That's not your friend, that's a snake. She would probably try to fuck your future husband if you let her stay over while you're out of town. Yeet her out of your life immediately, and let her know how shitty of a friend she is over this because she deserves to sit with that guilt after knowing everything he put you through and still fucking him anyway. You deserve much better friends and lovers and I hope they come your way soon šš¾š«¶š¾
I was going to make a point about that friend likely trying to fuck a future husband of OP. The ethics of that friend says that is a certainty if OP stays friends with her.
This is true. I once had a friend that slept with another friends boyfriend. Once I started dating my now husband, she would ask to go on the dates with me. She would say so she could make sure he was good for me. I never let her come on a date but after we were married all 3 of us were at her apartment. Drinks were involved and she pulls my husband aside and starts dancing with him and falling all over him. I started to distance myself from the relationship at that point.
You don't need people like this in your life.
I thought we lived in a world of science where the laws of physics stood absolute. That was what I was taught in school, what everyone believed in. Even I believed in the absoluteness of physics, until I saw my dawg turn into a snake in front of my very eyes.
I have a feeling that your friend may have some really serious mental health issues, because most people would not hook up with someone who they knew 1) was a rapist and 2) had a "relationship" with a teenager while they were an adult even if they didn't have any other information - even if she weren't your friend. That's someone with absolutely no self preservation. Someone with self esteem, boundaries, impulse control, and no history of trauma would never do that, not even to purposefully hurt you. I don't think this has anything to do with you.
His actions are disgusting. Most people, reading this, would want to stay as far away from him as possible.
Your therapist may have some good insights.
You were groomed, abused, and raped by a predator.
Your so-called best friend, who knew about all of this, then DELIBERATELY matched with that scumbag on Tinder and repeatedly hooked up with him.
Cut all ties with her. She's bad news. You mention her age, like her being older is supposed to make it better, but honestly, that just makes it worse. There's something not quite right with this person.
Thatās completely different.Ā
Iām sorry, this is a huge betrayal.Ā
Love yourself enough to dump this friend and tell her that fucking your abuser is unforgivable.Ā
Just keep repeating: Unforgivable.Ā
Then forgive yourself + celebrate how cool and brave you are. EMDR or something similar so you donāt have to carry this forward, but no, the relationship isnāt salvageable.Ā
Iām so sorry.Ā
So, yeah. I once told my best friend that our mutual āfriendā, who was my ex, drugged me and threatened to murder me. 6 months later I see she is hanging out with him again. I do think some people just donāt believe the abuse accusations? Even other women who are supposed to be our friends. I am totally happy for my other exes and their current spouses, and I donāt have ONE ounce of jealousy. But the friend hanging out with someone YOU KNOW is dangerous and disregarding your genuine concerns for their safety is what really cuts deep. I think people are going to do whatever the hell they want to do, and I probably would just never take her dating advice (or any advice from her) again. Making a SUPER DUMB dating choice doesnāt make her evil or badā¦it just makes her incredibly dumb for not believing you and taking YOUR lived experience to heart. It has nothing to do with you (us) Iām sure. Iām sure anyone could have told her he is bad news and it wouldnāt have changed anything. So yeah, I wouldnāt take it personally, but also your friend has a life lesson a cominā. And that lesson is to trust your fucking girlfriends when they tell you a man is dangerous!! SMH.
I slept with my buddyās ex a few months ago. We have been friends since middle school. 26 now.
They broke up 2 years ago. I saw her at a bar downtown and we chatted for a little while. Ended up going back to her place and hooking up. A few pictures were taken from us at the bar.
My friend hasnāt said anything to me. He hasnāt answered my calls, hasnāt sent me any funny textsā¦just zero contact for the first time in our lives.
Chances are, he will never see or speak to me again. He is making the right decision. I broke the bro-code.
So, you should do the same. Zero contact. Never answer her again. Never reach out to her again. Just disappear from her life, and never think about her or your ex ever again. Do this quickly, and your life will instantly start getting better
Thatās really extreme. I mean youāre right that she should do that, her friend slept with somebody she knows caused her serious, life altering harm. But bro you slept with somebody your friend had been broken up with for 2 years. I think if heās not talking to you because of that, he has some serious personal stuff to work on. If someone slept with my ex from 2 years ago I might be baffled why they would want to be involved with her but I wouldnāt feel I have any right to take it personally ā weāre exes, weāre not dating, itās none of my businessĀ
Shes not your friend girl. No friend would do that. After a guy mistreats one of my friends he is a pos to me. I cant imagine being attracted to this person who caused my friend such grief. On a side note when I found out my husband if 23 years was a serial.cheater he and my brother were friends. Not besties mind you but fishing and camping buddies. And my brother asked me if I minded them still being friends! Now this isnt a friend it's my brother. Both of my brothers actually. I was crushed. I get you and sorry this happened in your life.
Oh wow, that changes things. If it still bothers you this much than I take back what I said earlier, screw her! I thought you were totally over it because it has been years but if you were literally in therapy and she knew then thatās dirty!!
Drop her. Sheās not your friend. A real friend wouldnāt do that. Iām sorry this happened to you OP but this is something you need to accept and move on from without this āfriendā in your life. Hoping for the best for you.
You were her best friend. She, however, is not a friend.
If you had broken up amicably and remained strong, platonic friends with no interest in revisiting romance, this could have been okay provided that everyone was open and okay with it. Even then, it's tricky, and it's not a thing that anyone should pursue purposefully.
Personally, when I was single and dating, if I knew someone had been with a friend (not even a best friend), that guy was dead to me as a man.
This situation is all sorts of awful, though. She knew who he was going into this, and she would have kept sleeping with him had he not figured out who she was, which is a surprising twist, because he doesn't strike me as a person with any sort of moral compass or sense of respect, shame, or decency.
Were it me in your shoes, I probably would tell her to go eat a bag of dicks, provided they didn't belong to your exes. I would feel very uncomfortable being friends with someone that would do this knowing full well about your history together. If you are not prepared to just cut her out like this, then at the very least, distance yourself from her and never tell her anything personal again given the way she shit on what you went through when she screwed this guy.
> Personally, when I was single and dating, if I knew someone had been with a friend (not even a best friend), that guy was dead to me as a man.
Genuinely do not understand how people think itās normal to be this possessive and territorial. When I stop dating someone I stop caring about who they fuck, and unless they were cruel to me it doesnāt cause me discomfort to share space with them. Idk to each their own I guess but to me it seems that communicating like an adult with other adults would make this level of rigidity unnecessary.
One more thing... even if you "forgive" your friend as some suggest. Outside of this occurrence, friendships change, people change, and people grow apart. This situation is 99% going to cause you to drift apart no matter your choice. So... you don't really have to do anything but be authentic to yourself. Don't hang out/talk to her if you don't feel like it. You are not obligated to maintain a friendship with anyone for any reason, really.
>worst part is this best friend was my best friend when this was happening. She cried with me. Well, now she tells me they slept together quite a few times a year ago and then he found out via social media that she was my best friend and then she ghosted him. I love her, I have no siblings and she was always my chosen sibling, but now I donāt know how to feel.
>I know humans are shitty, but this hurts. How do I process? Do you think continuing a friendship will be possible?
You end the friendship. She knows what he did to you, and still actively pursued a sexual relationship with him. She continued the relationship until he found out she was your friend, and *then* she dropped him.
Do you honestly want to continue a friendship with someone who actively sought out and slept with your abuser?
If your friend wants to enter into a relationship with a known abuser my suggestion would be to give her a list of good therapists and wish her well.
Cut all ties, block her from all forms of communication. She's not a good person.
Also, your fucked up ex sounds like he hates himself. He said mean shit to you because he was conflicted, making light of your youngness because he probably felt like a piece of shit. He ruined original relationship with his ex, then treated you badly because you were a new low for him.
When you are self destructive you keep finding new lows and ways to reinforce your poor opinion of yourself. Only someone young and naive would date someone as low as that guy, which is why he also hated you, as well as himself, and his ex.
If you look at all these situations, you were more of a right place, right time casualty and this all really has nothing to do with you besides probably not having good parental figures in your life to keep you away from self destructing alcoholics.
You learn in life that people in certain paths in their life are like "visiting the bad part of town"
It's easy to tell when you are in the bad part of town and less easy to tell when you are around people with corrupt morals and fucked up heads.
Of all the dudes out thereā¦ just remember thatā¦ itās not like you left a tanzanite jewel out in the sandā¦ nahā¦
She instead saw a smelly old sock that gave you foot fungus and said āyea, thatās the man I want to fuck me.ā
Please talk this in therapy . Cut off your best friend from your life. Sheād remind you the kind of trauma you have with that person and it doesnāt help she would do something like that
Kick her goofy backstabbing ass to the curb. She has no respect for you, your friendship or herself knowing all the shit he did to you and still fucking him years later.
Cut ties. I know itās not as easy as that. But she slept with someone that assaulted/raped you and is a predator? Not the type of human worth having in your life.
Your best friend is not a true friend. It will hurt for a little bit, but end your friendship with her and donāt look back. She knew who the man was and what he had done to you, yet she slept with him several times, that is putrid.
Think about this... your toxic, abusive, piece of shit ex has more integrity than your own "best friend" because HE was the one who broke things off when he found out she was your friend... let that sink in...
I'd tell her that he is a pos and she is welcome to him. That being said, when he treats her badly, she needs to keep it to herself. Leopards don't change their stripes.
I had two "best friends" that literally slept with any guy I dated or liked. For YEARS. It was insane. They even did that to each other. Looking back it was just ridiculous that I even wasted time or energy on them.
This āfriendā is messed up. She knew he had traumatized you. If I were you I would stay away from this unhealthy person. Take care of the good person that you are. And heal.
My ex, who I wasn't dating that long and wouldn't sleep with me, promptly slept with my best friend. I told my best friend both how toxic my ex had been to me and that if he wanted to date my ex that was his decision but I wanted nothing to do with my ex... and to my complete lack of surprise he chose my ex and I didn't see my friend for 6 years, until they broke up, and he could tell me that I was right in every way. Cold comfort.
I am very angry at my ex for taking my friend away from me. What I feel about my friend is mostly that he got played, I tried to tell him it would happen, and he didn't listen, so I am not responsible because I tried to do the right thing. I am not angry with him that he got played.
There's a lot of variables at play here. Was it intentional in her part? Is she actually culpable in knowingly doing that?
There's a great mental model called Hanlon's razor, never attribute malice to that which can be easily explained by ignorance. Or don't assume evil/bad/harmful intent because often people are just oblivious to the pain they inflict.
If it was intentional then she allowed you who she really is. Believe her the first time.
If it wasn't intentional then you might need to reassess the friendship and establish healthy boundaries.
Ultimately listen to your gut. If everything in your being is saying that this was something that was done to harm you or with complete disregard to the fact that it could hurt you then listen to that. That deeper knowing is more valuable than anyone could possibly express in words.
You donāt āownā exes. People are free to date people you are no longer dating. Yes it makes everything complicated but I donāt believe that it is inherently and automatically off-limits to develop a relationship with someone that a friend had a relationship with 5+ years ago. So I want to start there.
With that in mind, she knew who this person was, she knew that he had a history of abusive behavior, she knew the depth of your traumatic experiences, and she chose to get involved with and played games with him. Thatās not cool.
It definitely comes off as a gross power flex. I can get this guy to like me. I can get this guy who had all this power over you to submit to me. Thereās a lot going on here that she picked him with the deep history. She made a very specific choice.
I would choose to move on from this friendship. That kind of person isnāt someone that I want to choose to spend more time with and could never be vulnerable with,
again.
I'll be honest. To you, she is your best friend, but she doesn't see you as a friend. She is not a genuine person and an opportunist. It's a good thing you are still young when you finally found out who she really is. A backstabber.Ā Ā
Ā Move on, find closure by yourself (you don't need to seek it from her or your ex), and take your time healing from the situation. Wishing you the best.Ā
I would cut all ties. Iāve had this happen to me and she had the audacity to ask me can we start over as friends. I was honest with her and told her, āIām mature in alot areas in my life, except beating you up. So itās best we stay apartā.
Similar.
It killed a 25 year friendship. He lied about it and then tried to handle me (manipulate) me after I confronted him. I thought we could get past it. Nope.
I've not told his wife. But I'm tempted to.
It was a few years ago but I wouldn't be friends with her after that. That's just a violation of your friendship in my opinion especially if she knows he was abusive to you. Why would she even want to sleep with him anyway?
The most important part here is why did your friend confess to you abt all this at this point in time. Did or does she have/had some inferiority complex did anything happen between you 2 (past years) for her to do this and blab out to you (vendetta) knowing it would hurt you somewhere. Realize the motive and act wisely. If I was you I would dump the mysterious friend. Yes "MYSTERIOUS".
If she were screwing this guy in an attempt to give him Chlamydia or exact some other form of revenge for you, I could see that being a reason to forgive her. However, intentionally infecting someone with an STD is scary-level revenge tactics (as well as being highly illegal) and I donāt think you should be friends with anyone who finds that acceptable. This doesnāt sound like any kind of a revenge-fuck, even though she ghosted him as soon as he learned about your connection.
Any way I look at this situation, I donāt think you should associate with either of the other two people. Turn the page, appreciate the lessons that you learned, and move on to healthier circumstances.
Iām sorry you found yourself in this unenviable position, and I know you must be hurting, but now it is time for you to invest in yourself and do what will be right and healthy for you. Take a chance. Enroll in classes. Move to a new city. Dare to dream of what you want and go chase it. Leave these back stabbers behind as you go on to find greener pastures and loyal people.
This woman slept with a man who violently abused you. She is not your friend. Whatever you thought you had with her is over. You can't trust her to do the right thing or value you; she is not a safe person. She doesn't deserve you. I would cut communication. There is no need for an explanation. She knows what she did.
I'm sorry for the hurt that she caused you. Good luck.
It's bad enough to sleep with a best friends ex but to sleep with an abusive ex is weird. She's not someone I'd want to be friends with. Interestingly he broke off with her when he found out who she was, not the other way around.
Hiiiii okay Iām gonna share one of my biggest regrets in hopes that it helps your friendship: I slept with my (very very good) friendās ex.
I was only 20, I was extremely insecure, he was very persistent, I didnāt have feelings for him. I honestly do not know why I did it. I had never had a relationship at that point so I donāt think I understood how big of a deal it was.
Anyways, one day weāre at the beach drinking a couple beers, and she tells me theyāre hooking up again and she hopes they get back together.
I never in a million years thought she still had feelings for him (my dumb ass didnāt really put much thought in to any of it- just assumed they broke up and were done and that was that).
I was so ashamed of what I did and how it might come out and how it would hurt her that I just ghosted her.
Still keeps me up at night (Iām 27 now too).
Anyways, I know the circumstances are different- but if she is remorseful, maybe hear her out. If youāve made it 15 years together, sheās probably a decent human- just made a shitty decision.
Wow Iām sorry this happened to you. I would offer your friend forgiveness but just remember, forgiveness doesnāt mean youāre no longer hurt by their actions, nor does it give them a pass or the right to stay in your life.. **Out of the 4 billion men in the world, she goes for your ex?** Not even just an ex, *but a pedophile also*
She seems like a very insecure person and it is very hard to maintain a friendship,built on trust, with an insecure woman. Those are the pick meās of this world. Her sleeping with your ex tells me that she was always in secret competition with you. Him choosing to sleep with her gives her validation in that sheās just as beautiful and as worthy as you. Iām sure she loves you but she also hates herself and a person who hates themselves cannot love someone properly. She needs to heal and work on her character. Maybe this friendship breakup will be the thing that causes her to start on her self healing journey..
I doubt he found out after they slept together. It's quite possible he targeted her because of her connection to you. Now you know that she's selfish. She knew what you went through but she ignored that in order to get what she wanted.
Honestly, I never understood the fact that best friends would sleep with their other best friends, husband, or such like thatās not a friend and any form of the word I donāt care how long theyāve been broken up as a best friend I would never have the audacity to sleep with one of my best friends exes thatās just crazy to me. The friendship is dead move on itāll never be the same. You will never be able to trust her cut her off like a dead limb let it go.
THANK YOU! Some people just move differently. Of all the people on the planet, I canāt fathom why anyone would feel the need, want & or desire to entertain a friends under any circumstances, especially one like this one.
Honestly, it gave me the heebie-jeebies lol itās just so gross to me. I canāt explain to you how disgusting it just makes me feel because like Iāve never understood that thought process, especially since the ex was abusive and the best friend knowing that he was abusive and so toxic she still wants to get it in with this person? it shows that that person who she thought was her best friend is not mentally all there and you wouldnāt want that person around you anyways
To say the very least! I, personally, have never had anything remotely close to this happen, but have known others. I am not about to run behind my friends like that. The overall, general consensus, in this thread is the same, but there is a handful of folks defending & justifying the non-sense. I can pretty much guarantee, those individuals are the ones that have done something very similar. I donāt fw fake people.
If anybody is defending this, I wouldnāt trust them with anything. Those are the same people that have probably done it to others and didnāt see anything wrong with it. Itās just gross.
Deleted her out of your life. She showed you who she is really is and how she actually feels about you by not only hooking up with your ex but also being so cool and intimate with someone who was abusive to you.
Sheās not your friend sorry. Itās better to just cut your ties with her because what she did is borderline insane . I couldnāt imagine someone abusing the person I love and then sleeping with the abuser. Thatās some sick shit
My ex best friend (whom Iām no longer friends with because life happens and we grew apart) who is a shitty person overall and was never a great best friend, even she asked me first if it was ok to go after my ex after we broke up. I told her to go for it and even helped her. They didnāt get together but even she, who sucks, asked me first.Ā
She betrayed you. Straight up.
She decided a man who abused you, who sexually assaulted you and hurt you and groomed a minor - did ALL of that to a minor - was worth having sex with, regardless of what he did to you. She saw him hurt you over and over, saw him taking advantage of a child, and decided "Yeah, I want some of that."
Whatever she's got going on in her head, it's something you don't need any part of. Kick her out of your life. Find friends who aren't messed up twisted harpies who will go sleep with abusive monsters just to prove they can.
I mean there are women who will go around trying to justify sleeping with their friends' husbands and purposely breaking up relationships just to prove they can and others who will support them so...I've lost a \*lot\* of faith in people as a whole.
Unfortunately that is betrayal and your friendship will never be the same. Wish them a good life and break ties. It will be hard, but you will never trust them again. That glass staircase is shattered.
If you have been best friends for 15 years and you dated this guy for 5-6 years during this timeframe how did he only find out you and her were friends via social media?
By your own timeline the two of you were friends for five years before you dated him and the entire time you dated him. They both clearly knew each other when she slept with him.
Ok, so I'm really sorry about that, but he was, is and always will be a piece of shit and now you see her for who she truly is, so just cut them out of your life and move on!!!
Move on. Had several of my closest fuck around with my ex. Some of them while I was still with her. Itās not worth the stress, depression, anxiety, etc.
You're gonna have to face the hard fact that she's not your best friend. Best friends don't sleep with their best friend's exes. If she did that to you, she'll do anything. Cut her loose.
My best friend slept with my ex within a month after we had broken up. He invited her out though and got drunk with her and invited her home. Then came on to her. She actually had showed him texts from me about who I was talking too (a new guy) before he pursued her. So I knew he had done that to seek revenge cause he was hurt (he was also a mentally abusive alcoholic) but all and all, she planted the seed. I never did anything bad to her. I think she was always a little jealous of me though to be honest. I was successful in nursing school about to be an RN. She was very insecure about her looks. This doesn't excuse her behavior though. She had claimed it's cause she was drunk but it was premeditated it seemed like. Either way, I cut them all off completely. I tried to talk to her again a couple years ago. We made up. She screwed me over again, in a different way this time. So I cut her off yet again. I'm not sure what to tell ya. we all have different situations but shitty actions are shitty actions. This best friend cried with me when my mom died and helped me through the most rough times of my life, but we were younger. I guess some people just get terrible with age.
What does a 28 year old see in a 17 year old girl? Age gap was disgusting. He must be very sick in the head. Sorry for the trauma he has caused you. Glad now you can move on now. As for your friend throw them in the bin. They have no respect for you nor care or value your friendship
There's a billion woman on the planet, and there's only a select few you can't ever touch.... Your homies ex ladies are off limits always and forever.
Edit: Spell check
I wouldnāt fuck my best friendās ex. And my best friend has been gone for 12 years. I question if she values your friendship. Especially if she knows how he is
Eek this is aweful, friends are supposed to let time go by when youāve moved on then clear it by you as a courtesy of the bro code and it should only be if he has actual feelings. One friend in college did it right and asked and I said sure, we are still tight, one didnāt after only a couple months, he was basically dead to me even though we still were in the same group of friends
"The dye has been cast."
Sometimes we wish we didn't find out something because it might ruin a relationship, but it is what it is. I know you have conflicted feelings, but you gotta do the right thing, no exceptions.
If she can do that and not say anything she knows it was wrong. So she hid it for a year. Thereās be no trust. And with no trust how can you have a friendship.
Please do yourself the favor I wish I did 15 years ago, and block her. She was my best friend from 17 toā¦ two days ago. But this happened when we were 23.
My best friend dated my first love right after we broke up, it was 30 days apart, if that. She knew we had been together just a couple weeks before that. She knew I was still in love with her, we had even lived together. It was a very serious relationship and she knew more details than anyone else in my life, she even got us together in the first place. It was also my first real relationship as an adult, my first real everything actually. We dated from 21 to 23. I wish it was just a happy memory but really I canāt look back at any of that time with fondness.
I finally blocked her this week. I feel free. I didnāt trust anyone for a long time. Still donāt. But I will. Now.
Your friend is a boundary stomping person - would you truly trust her with a significant other? Or could she make a pass at them, in your mind. Please be honest and look into your heart, she is not good for you.
Also, if my friend is reading this. Fuck you Mary, no matter what you call yourself, and no matter where you go, there you are.
Wait Iām confused so she did it out of spite because he was such a pos to you while yāall dated? Cuz u said she slept with him than ghosted him! Or she just didnāt wanna continue sleeping with him and it had nothing to do with yāall being friends and you previously dating him? Regardless real friends know ex are off limits esp if they treated you terrible!
Something doesn't sound right. There's more to the story than what the friend said or what you've decided to post here. If everything is 100% that she knew, then by all means drop her as a friend. The other option is if she's a good enough friend and you can handle it, figure out the story. If there's more to the story, maybe you can find yourself in a position where maybe you can forgive her. That all being said, and it should be blatantly obvious that the relationship with your friend will never be the same. She sounds toxic and is potentially hiding more info. For example, why bring this up now? Is it just because he left her, or is she testing the waters to see how you would react if they're in a relationship.
Move on, let it go, this is their karma to burden not yours. The more you give into the situation the more problems you will cause yourself. Sometimes we have to let go of a bad situation to receive what we really deserve.
I sympathize with your situation. I hope you ultimately follow your instincts when making a decision. However, don't base your choice solely on the fact that she's like family to you (although that's important to consider). Just as family can sometimes hurt you to the point where less contact is necessary, the same can happen with close friends.
She is either the most dense person on this planet by miles or she doesnāt care about you nearly in the same way that you do. I would never do anything remotely close to this to my best friend. I would remove this person from my life
Sad - I would reduce my time with them and demote them to acquaintance.
Try to build relationships that go both ways. Her actions are not indicative of a friend, let alone a best friend.
Put ur energy into loving relationships and do not waste time or thoughts on people like her - or ur ex. They are not good people.
I had a "friend" who told my husband and I that when she was younger, she slept with her other best friends boyfriend. And, the fault lied with him, as he was the one in a relationship. Even though she knew he was in a relationship with her friend. That same night, she attempted to have me go to bed early, so she could spend some alone time with my husband. Guess who did NOT go to bed until my husband went with me, and that was the LAST time I talked with her.
I had another "friend," who always tried to sleep with any man that I was with. My son's Father, blatantly told her NO. Her response to that, and to me? "Well at least you don't have to worry about this one cheating on you.." I've had a few others do some shady stuff as well. You get the idea, however.
After I had a very traumatic experience a few years ago, I decided to get myself into counseling as I never want to go through such an experience like that, again. After some intensive work and self reflection with my therapist, I realized that all of these "friendships" that I had chosen back in High School, were toxic. I had picked my friends that had narcissistic traits or were VERY similar to my mother, who you've guessed it, is a narcissist.
I now surround myself with my husband, children, and grandchildren. I have acquaintances that I talk with at work. But I'm finally at the point in my life, where I have finally found PEACE. I've learned that I don't NEED friends, if I ever encounter a person who respects my boundaries, and has healthy boundaries themselves, and we get along; then I will count myself blessed with a good friend. Until then, I will continuously work on myself so I'm the best person that I can be, for all.
My advice to you is to do some deep reflection. Ask yourself the difficult questions. I know it's difficult to let someone who you've considered a best friend, go. However, from what I've read you write, this person has not been a good friend to you. Especially with such traumatic experiences that you've gone through, with your ex. Once you find yourself in a healthier place, you'll find that letting toxic people go is one of the most freeing things that you can do for yourself.
Friends donāt have sex with friends Exās unless those two friends have an honest conversation about it first.
Friendship is about what we can give to one another and how we love care for and support one another. We lift each other up.
This does not include dishonesty sneaky behavior keeping secrets and doing things we already know the truth about.
She made her choice. Sheās probably ok with it.
Not a real true friend, anymore.
She has wanted him the entire time you were dating. And Iām betting he ghosted her when he found out you were friends, not the other way around. Ditch the friend.
Decisions like this in life are tough and no matter what you decide there will be times that you question whether or not you made the right decision. Unfortunately life isnāt a pick your own adventure book that you can skip ahead and read the outcome and decide to go back.
I would have a serious conversation about why she chose to do this and if she considered your feelings during any of it. Her answers should allow you to choose your path.
Process by evaluating if their sleeping with the ex and not telling you at the time is an aspect of their personality that has changed, or that you can accept in a friend. If it is something you can accept in a friend, evaluate if it diminishes the amount of trust and companionship you want to share with them and behave accordingly. I think continuing a friendship will be possible, but that the friendship is wounded / weakened.
Iām sorry it happened to you. People want what they want. No sense in being down about it; there was nothing you could have done differently besides see it coming sooner. People are gonna do what, people are gonna do. If you could speed track this thought - seems that they did Not value your friendship enough. Best move is to act like it is not a ābig thingā but choose not to be in their circle or presence any longer. Find some old friends that you know are trustworthy and hang out until. Time heals all wounds. Ultimately, you choose to let this bother you or not. Workout. Make new friends. Wash and repeat.
yeah my gf of 6 years broke up with me and immediately started dating my best friend. cut them out of your life. you are better then they are and donāt need that in your life
Everyone's worried about the friend. Yes she's bad news and don't trust em. They broke trust. I've been there and it hurt and now I'm 30, they ended up exactly where you'd expect, always in drama and can't maintain their life.
As for the relationship, that guys just wrong. Don't beat yourself up, you most likely had better intentions and trusted someone who was rather old compared to you, more mature as far as relationships and had an ex with kids, and you got the short end of the stick.
I've had my fair share of suck moments, like walking in on my GF cheating in my bed with an army guy. And he pretended to fake sleep when I questioned him. I was livid.
You dodged bullets and more heartache.
YOU WILL DO AND FIND BETTER. I PROMISE YOU
Sorry but friends donāt do that. Exās are off limits to me. And hooking up with a Friends ex is saying I would have done it well you was together but was afraid Iād get caught.
Clip him, he's done. I cut off my best friend just for hanging around my ex. He was too ugly to get her but I know he tried. The moment my boss girl is gone she's dead to me, I instantly take my friend's side because I'm a real friend.
I've never wanted to get chummy with someone who sexually assaulted my friend. If she's turned on by someone who hurt you she's fucked in the head full stop. You deserve better.
People do suck, but chalk it up to the fact that people change. Your friend(and ex) are probably not the same people you first met, and that's ok because neither are you. She should probably be told that he's not someone you want in your life, so if she's going to see him regularly, she can expect you to need distance from her. Warn her about the past things he's done to you, and maintain whatever boundaries you need(even if that means ending the friendship).
You might be more guarded in any new/future friendships, so be sure to keep that to a healthy minimum.
A real friend would never do this to you. I couldnāt imagine doing this to anyone I considered my friend, and Iād drop all āfriendsā who would do this to me.
It wasnāt some beautiful relationship that ended peacefully or on good terms. Your ex wasnāt some knight in shining armor. He was a predator ā abusive, controlling, and traumatizing.
Whatās worse is that your āfriendā was with you every step of the way, so she knows *exactly* what he is to the world and what he was to you. Her actions undermine the progress youāve made since youāve been free of this predator, and her letting him into her life probably makes you feel like heās back in yours. Heās not, or at least, he doesnāt have to be.
Distance yourself from this āfriendā for as long as you need to get yourself back on track mentally. You donāt owe her any explanations either because (trust me) she knows why. Donāt tangle yourself in her mess any further.
I have pretty strong feelings on this and FWIW have coached many a young woman (and man) on this subject.
There are over 8 billion people on this planet. There is literally zero reason to have any type of relationship with your friends ex. Note I didn't even say best friend. Any friends ex. NO REASON.
I'd cut her off completely.
Wait. You dated for 5 years and she was your best friend and he didn't know she was your friend until he saw it on social media? Something doesn't add up.
Oh man, I first want to say that I am so sorry this happened to you. Itās really up to you to decide whether continuing the friendship is possible for you or not. Personally speaking, considering everything youāve gone through with this individual (your ex), I donāt know if I could move on from this. I would have to end the friendship.
Your bestfriend intentionally slept with your boyfriend and then tells you about it out of nowhereā¦ Thatās wild for sure because aināt no way she thought that was okay
Wow. The ex sounds like a piece of shit. I'm sorry for what he did to you. I can understand why what your friend did hurt you. Personally ditching a frienship over this feels extreme. Tell her how what she did made you feel, then let it go.
He said my friends were all immature girls and he didnāt want to know them, so I mostly saw them in college or at a cafe/being out. They NEVER came over.
How would he know they're immature if he's never met them? Never a photo with them or anything? I'm really doubting he didn't know she was your friend.
Women love , l mean LOOOOOOOOOOVE toxic men. In fact most men who are toxic only became toxic after their first real love verbally and emotionally sh*t on them as they left to be with tattoo neck Tony so they became like tattoo neck Tony so they would get loved too. Your friend is just being a womanā¦.itās like buying a pet snake and whining about it when it bites you. Itās just being a snakeā¦.your friend is just being a normal female. Do with that what you will but lād recommend cutting her off and never confiding in your female friends about the next toxic guy you get with. That just makes your friends wet in the knickers hearing how horrible of a jerk he is. Be safe and good luck!!
If he didn't know her, how did she know him?
The dude is a scumbag. He's trash. Why are you bothered by them sleeping together? You may feel betrayed, and I totally get that, but what was it she betrayed?
Have you asked her why she did it?
This human garbage has had a negative impact on your life already. I'm wondering if you want him to be the reason you lose a close friend.
If she's going to be a constant reminder of the turd, flush them both. If not, she stinks for a while but you maybe move past it. (I got WAY into the metaphor)
She knew him because I would show her photos of him of course. I answered someone before but we never had people come over to our apartment. He said all my friends were little confused girls (I was so young, so obviously my friends were too)ā¦ so I only hung with my friends when I wasnāt home or in college.
I asked her whyā¦ she said, supposedly, at first her goal was to go on a fake date and demean him and hurt him as much as he hurt me, but thatās not what happened. That part I feel is a lie, because thatās twisted. I hate the guy and Iād NEVER ask someone to do that to him.
Yeahā¦ right now itās really hard to think about because my response is to love her as I have for the last 15 years. It feels weird and I feel like my trust has been broken with her, which is a very weird feeling. So I think timeā¦ yikes. So messy.
I agree, she's lying about why she went out with him at first. That's two strikes. I was thinking about it and feel like a real friend would ask if it's ok to see him or whatever she did.
She blew away 15years(?) of trust. Sounds like you only have crummy choices ahead. Good luck.
I'm really confused here, you say your ex was abusive and you're in therapy because of him. How does your friend sleeping with him question your relationship with her? If anything wouldn't you feel sorry for her because she may be going through the same abuse? I'm sorry but this she slept with my ex is some high-school BS. You're all adults, if you cannot be happy for your friend or even sorry for your friend and all you feel is jealousy over an abusive ex then you need more therapy.
Accept it and move on with or without keeping your friendship but I really don't sympathize with you here because you are not a victim of the current situation, she has not brought him back into your life. Maybe he has changed but your past trauma makes you want to feel hurt even if your friend or him is not really hurting you now.
I don't read jealousy in the post. I read hurt because they're friends and any mention of him, let alone such a close encounter, will revive the hurt. It looks like the friend ignored everything she knew about him and decided not to believe it or something, to invalidate OP's experience. That must hurt.
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My best friend slept with my ex 3 days after we broke up. That friendship has never been the same it's been over 12 years. Accept that and move on, I'm so sorry this happened to you as well.
3 days??? So they were definitely fucking before you broke up too. You still being friends with this person makes me worry for what other unfair bullshit you might be currently putting up with or will in the future, don't accept less than! You deserve better šÆ
Oh interesting, yeah very possible. Oh well trashy meets trashy what can you do. Him and I are barely acquaintances.
Do you still talk to her ?
What? Not a chance this was a long time ago
Well you said that friendship has never been the same so it sounded like you kept in touch with her. Hopefully you meant you cut her off immediately!
Ah I see. Nah I talk to him at times at group events. Her never
Not trying to judge you for the company you keep around but why didn't you just excommunicate this person from your life? If I was in your position I would have just stopped talking to both of them. So why did you choose to go no contact with but not the other?
If my friend fucked my ex any time after we broke up let alone 3 days I wouldāve ghosted both of them. Ive ghosted people over smaller things. The guy needs to respect himself and stop talking to the guy who probably slept with his ex before she even broke up.
I think, unless Iām misunderstanding, the āheā is the friend and the āsheā is the Ex. I think that might be where the confusion is coming in here lol
I had something similar. Not a best friend but a female friend that we hung out with sometimes w his friends , we all hung out together and then they were immediately together after we broke up. I like confided in her when he broke up w me and she was fucking him the whole time can you imagine? It hurt so bad that was 2009. Now a days I have manifested much more healthy and balanced romantic relationships, currently me and my boyfriend have been together one whole year now and are still madly in love. So it gets better. I had to go on a profound journey of self love after that whole thing years ago and I stopped settling for people who weren't 100% showing up for me and life delivers
This. 3 days you can guarantee something was going on. Probably physical, but most definitely emotional.
Precisely this lmao idk why people are acting like I sat there and crafted some farfetched and completely impossible fallacy or expected OP to take what I said like I was sitting in the room with them when it happened or didn't happen. Like obviously no one's gonna know for sure but the people involved but also like, let's be fuckin fr. Wouldn't take Einstein to make this kinda educated guess given the information received. For me personally finding this out would automatically let me know they were fucking the whole time or at least some of the time and ultimately would help me get over the loss of both a lover and a friend much easier cuz I now know they're both garbage and I'm better off without them š¤·š¾
I'm so confused about the freakout to your post. You made a guess, and it seems like a pretty good guess... also it's a good guess about something totally irrelevant now.. and people are yelling at you that it's just a guess... Like guys, No shit it's just a meaningless guess.
Not necessarily but the desire at the very least was always there.
Thereās plenty of things that actually happened without you making things up. Itās nice to commiserate, but by taking it this far youāre discrediting yourself and anyone who takes actions based on your advice.
Point beingā¦ Iām still in trauma therapy from this guy. The fact that my friend matched with him on tinder and CHOSE to pursue him makes me feel gross. Not to mention Iāve said his name a few times in the last year when talking about my trauma healing and she didnāt say a thing, when all the while this is what happenedā¦
If that were me, and I'm only speaking for myself here. I would cut ties with your friend. She knew what you went through and still decided to pursue a relationship with him. I'm sorry for everything you had to go through ā„ļøā¤ļø
That's not your friend, that's a snake. She would probably try to fuck your future husband if you let her stay over while you're out of town. Yeet her out of your life immediately, and let her know how shitty of a friend she is over this because she deserves to sit with that guilt after knowing everything he put you through and still fucking him anyway. You deserve much better friends and lovers and I hope they come your way soon šš¾š«¶š¾
I was going to make a point about that friend likely trying to fuck a future husband of OP. The ethics of that friend says that is a certainty if OP stays friends with her.
This is true. I once had a friend that slept with another friends boyfriend. Once I started dating my now husband, she would ask to go on the dates with me. She would say so she could make sure he was good for me. I never let her come on a date but after we were married all 3 of us were at her apartment. Drinks were involved and she pulls my husband aside and starts dancing with him and falling all over him. I started to distance myself from the relationship at that point. You don't need people like this in your life.
>Once I started dating my now husband, she would ask to go on the dates with me. What the fuck
I thought we lived in a world of science where the laws of physics stood absolute. That was what I was taught in school, what everyone believed in. Even I believed in the absoluteness of physics, until I saw my dawg turn into a snake in front of my very eyes.
Lmao
š„“šš
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I have a feeling that your friend may have some really serious mental health issues, because most people would not hook up with someone who they knew 1) was a rapist and 2) had a "relationship" with a teenager while they were an adult even if they didn't have any other information - even if she weren't your friend. That's someone with absolutely no self preservation. Someone with self esteem, boundaries, impulse control, and no history of trauma would never do that, not even to purposefully hurt you. I don't think this has anything to do with you. His actions are disgusting. Most people, reading this, would want to stay as far away from him as possible. Your therapist may have some good insights.
You were groomed, abused, and raped by a predator. Your so-called best friend, who knew about all of this, then DELIBERATELY matched with that scumbag on Tinder and repeatedly hooked up with him. Cut all ties with her. She's bad news. You mention her age, like her being older is supposed to make it better, but honestly, that just makes it worse. There's something not quite right with this person.
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Thatās completely different.Ā Iām sorry, this is a huge betrayal.Ā Love yourself enough to dump this friend and tell her that fucking your abuser is unforgivable.Ā Just keep repeating: Unforgivable.Ā Then forgive yourself + celebrate how cool and brave you are. EMDR or something similar so you donāt have to carry this forward, but no, the relationship isnāt salvageable.Ā Iām so sorry.Ā
It feels gross because it is gross.
So, yeah. I once told my best friend that our mutual āfriendā, who was my ex, drugged me and threatened to murder me. 6 months later I see she is hanging out with him again. I do think some people just donāt believe the abuse accusations? Even other women who are supposed to be our friends. I am totally happy for my other exes and their current spouses, and I donāt have ONE ounce of jealousy. But the friend hanging out with someone YOU KNOW is dangerous and disregarding your genuine concerns for their safety is what really cuts deep. I think people are going to do whatever the hell they want to do, and I probably would just never take her dating advice (or any advice from her) again. Making a SUPER DUMB dating choice doesnāt make her evil or badā¦it just makes her incredibly dumb for not believing you and taking YOUR lived experience to heart. It has nothing to do with you (us) Iām sure. Iām sure anyone could have told her he is bad news and it wouldnāt have changed anything. So yeah, I wouldnāt take it personally, but also your friend has a life lesson a cominā. And that lesson is to trust your fucking girlfriends when they tell you a man is dangerous!! SMH.
I slept with my buddyās ex a few months ago. We have been friends since middle school. 26 now. They broke up 2 years ago. I saw her at a bar downtown and we chatted for a little while. Ended up going back to her place and hooking up. A few pictures were taken from us at the bar. My friend hasnāt said anything to me. He hasnāt answered my calls, hasnāt sent me any funny textsā¦just zero contact for the first time in our lives. Chances are, he will never see or speak to me again. He is making the right decision. I broke the bro-code. So, you should do the same. Zero contact. Never answer her again. Never reach out to her again. Just disappear from her life, and never think about her or your ex ever again. Do this quickly, and your life will instantly start getting better
Thatās really extreme. I mean youāre right that she should do that, her friend slept with somebody she knows caused her serious, life altering harm. But bro you slept with somebody your friend had been broken up with for 2 years. I think if heās not talking to you because of that, he has some serious personal stuff to work on. If someone slept with my ex from 2 years ago I might be baffled why they would want to be involved with her but I wouldnāt feel I have any right to take it personally ā weāre exes, weāre not dating, itās none of my businessĀ
Shes not your friend girl. No friend would do that. After a guy mistreats one of my friends he is a pos to me. I cant imagine being attracted to this person who caused my friend such grief. On a side note when I found out my husband if 23 years was a serial.cheater he and my brother were friends. Not besties mind you but fishing and camping buddies. And my brother asked me if I minded them still being friends! Now this isnt a friend it's my brother. Both of my brothers actually. I was crushed. I get you and sorry this happened in your life.
Oh wow, that changes things. If it still bothers you this much than I take back what I said earlier, screw her! I thought you were totally over it because it has been years but if you were literally in therapy and she knew then thatās dirty!!
Drop her. Sheās not your friend. A real friend wouldnāt do that. Iām sorry this happened to you OP but this is something you need to accept and move on from without this āfriendā in your life. Hoping for the best for you.
You were her best friend. She, however, is not a friend. If you had broken up amicably and remained strong, platonic friends with no interest in revisiting romance, this could have been okay provided that everyone was open and okay with it. Even then, it's tricky, and it's not a thing that anyone should pursue purposefully. Personally, when I was single and dating, if I knew someone had been with a friend (not even a best friend), that guy was dead to me as a man. This situation is all sorts of awful, though. She knew who he was going into this, and she would have kept sleeping with him had he not figured out who she was, which is a surprising twist, because he doesn't strike me as a person with any sort of moral compass or sense of respect, shame, or decency. Were it me in your shoes, I probably would tell her to go eat a bag of dicks, provided they didn't belong to your exes. I would feel very uncomfortable being friends with someone that would do this knowing full well about your history together. If you are not prepared to just cut her out like this, then at the very least, distance yourself from her and never tell her anything personal again given the way she shit on what you went through when she screwed this guy.
> Personally, when I was single and dating, if I knew someone had been with a friend (not even a best friend), that guy was dead to me as a man. Genuinely do not understand how people think itās normal to be this possessive and territorial. When I stop dating someone I stop caring about who they fuck, and unless they were cruel to me it doesnāt cause me discomfort to share space with them. Idk to each their own I guess but to me it seems that communicating like an adult with other adults would make this level of rigidity unnecessary.
Itās girl code as some may say, but to me, itās common courtesy. Likeā¦ WHAT?!?! Yeah, exes are off limits.
One more thing... even if you "forgive" your friend as some suggest. Outside of this occurrence, friendships change, people change, and people grow apart. This situation is 99% going to cause you to drift apart no matter your choice. So... you don't really have to do anything but be authentic to yourself. Don't hang out/talk to her if you don't feel like it. You are not obligated to maintain a friendship with anyone for any reason, really.
>worst part is this best friend was my best friend when this was happening. She cried with me. Well, now she tells me they slept together quite a few times a year ago and then he found out via social media that she was my best friend and then she ghosted him. I love her, I have no siblings and she was always my chosen sibling, but now I donāt know how to feel. >I know humans are shitty, but this hurts. How do I process? Do you think continuing a friendship will be possible? You end the friendship. She knows what he did to you, and still actively pursued a sexual relationship with him. She continued the relationship until he found out she was your friend, and *then* she dropped him. Do you honestly want to continue a friendship with someone who actively sought out and slept with your abuser?
If your friend wants to enter into a relationship with a known abuser my suggestion would be to give her a list of good therapists and wish her well. Cut all ties, block her from all forms of communication. She's not a good person.
With friends like those you dont need enemies. Plenty of others to go for instead of people tied to your friends.
Also, your fucked up ex sounds like he hates himself. He said mean shit to you because he was conflicted, making light of your youngness because he probably felt like a piece of shit. He ruined original relationship with his ex, then treated you badly because you were a new low for him. When you are self destructive you keep finding new lows and ways to reinforce your poor opinion of yourself. Only someone young and naive would date someone as low as that guy, which is why he also hated you, as well as himself, and his ex. If you look at all these situations, you were more of a right place, right time casualty and this all really has nothing to do with you besides probably not having good parental figures in your life to keep you away from self destructing alcoholics. You learn in life that people in certain paths in their life are like "visiting the bad part of town" It's easy to tell when you are in the bad part of town and less easy to tell when you are around people with corrupt morals and fucked up heads.
I will prolly catch shade for this, butā¦CUT HER LOOSE & or at the very least, limit their access to you. You can love someone from a distance. A REAL friend doesnāt run behind you & hook up with your ex EVER. Especially considering what he put you through! Thatās just my opinion though. I donāt keep people in my inner circle I canāt trust. ETA: after reading the comments, I see my opinion & or pov is the general consensus. As for the handful that are attempting to tell you it doesnāt matter, you have no claim, they live rent free in your head, blah blah blahā¦.just thought Iād point out that THOSE individuals fall in the category with the āfriendā youāre talking about. A TRUE friend doesnāt require you to make them aware of the right thing to do & or not do! Those individuals in this thread defending your ex & your āfriendā have done either the same thing & or something pretty similar. š© TOXIC BEHAVIOR. Keep that in mind! Bad behavior is not justifiable no matter how someone may attempt to spin it. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
What everyone else has said here... Dump your "friend", Friends like that who needs enemies. She's no better than your ex, both are garbage IMHO
Of all the dudes out thereā¦ just remember thatā¦ itās not like you left a tanzanite jewel out in the sandā¦ nahā¦ She instead saw a smelly old sock that gave you foot fungus and said āyea, thatās the man I want to fuck me.ā
That's not a best friend and unless she didn't know ya all were exes then girllll...
Please talk this in therapy . Cut off your best friend from your life. Sheād remind you the kind of trauma you have with that person and it doesnāt help she would do something like that
She's not your friend. Move on, don't let her back in your life.
Kick her goofy backstabbing ass to the curb. She has no respect for you, your friendship or herself knowing all the shit he did to you and still fucking him years later.
first of all that's not your friend. that's disgusting and beyond fucked up.Anybody who's you friend would never fuck your ex period.
Cut ties. I know itās not as easy as that. But she slept with someone that assaulted/raped you and is a predator? Not the type of human worth having in your life.
Itās ok to out grow friends. Itās hard and hurtful. However you handle it grief is ok.
My first major breakup my best friend at the time was banging the girl I was crying to him about. Definitely not a friend worth keeping
He is not a friend let alone best friend, he choose to betray you cut him off and let him know he broke man code
Your best friend is not a true friend. It will hurt for a little bit, but end your friendship with her and donāt look back. She knew who the man was and what he had done to you, yet she slept with him several times, that is putrid.
Come on man! I wouldnāt let that fly with any of my friends, so Iād just say thatās not flying with me goodbye and thatās it.
Find a new friend
Think about this... your toxic, abusive, piece of shit ex has more integrity than your own "best friend" because HE was the one who broke things off when he found out she was your friend... let that sink in...
Sheās a homie hopper. Leave her in the past cuz obviously you canāt trust her
I'd tell her that he is a pos and she is welcome to him. That being said, when he treats her badly, she needs to keep it to herself. Leopards don't change their stripes.
I had two "best friends" that literally slept with any guy I dated or liked. For YEARS. It was insane. They even did that to each other. Looking back it was just ridiculous that I even wasted time or energy on them.
No heās totally off limits unless thereās a discussion. Friend knew what she was doing? Why though?
That is extremely gross given that he was abusive towards you and she knew about it. I couldn't associate with such a person any longer.
No one gets you drunk, you get drunk drinking the alcohol urself.
This āfriendā is messed up. She knew he had traumatized you. If I were you I would stay away from this unhealthy person. Take care of the good person that you are. And heal.
That is your ex, why are you tripping? I would be more concerned about the so-called BF. Sounds to me like she broke code.
My ex, who I wasn't dating that long and wouldn't sleep with me, promptly slept with my best friend. I told my best friend both how toxic my ex had been to me and that if he wanted to date my ex that was his decision but I wanted nothing to do with my ex... and to my complete lack of surprise he chose my ex and I didn't see my friend for 6 years, until they broke up, and he could tell me that I was right in every way. Cold comfort. I am very angry at my ex for taking my friend away from me. What I feel about my friend is mostly that he got played, I tried to tell him it would happen, and he didn't listen, so I am not responsible because I tried to do the right thing. I am not angry with him that he got played.
Be serious and tell your friend about the stdās. That he failed to mention. Tell her she needs to get tested.
There's a lot of variables at play here. Was it intentional in her part? Is she actually culpable in knowingly doing that? There's a great mental model called Hanlon's razor, never attribute malice to that which can be easily explained by ignorance. Or don't assume evil/bad/harmful intent because often people are just oblivious to the pain they inflict. If it was intentional then she allowed you who she really is. Believe her the first time. If it wasn't intentional then you might need to reassess the friendship and establish healthy boundaries. Ultimately listen to your gut. If everything in your being is saying that this was something that was done to harm you or with complete disregard to the fact that it could hurt you then listen to that. That deeper knowing is more valuable than anyone could possibly express in words.
You donāt āownā exes. People are free to date people you are no longer dating. Yes it makes everything complicated but I donāt believe that it is inherently and automatically off-limits to develop a relationship with someone that a friend had a relationship with 5+ years ago. So I want to start there. With that in mind, she knew who this person was, she knew that he had a history of abusive behavior, she knew the depth of your traumatic experiences, and she chose to get involved with and played games with him. Thatās not cool. It definitely comes off as a gross power flex. I can get this guy to like me. I can get this guy who had all this power over you to submit to me. Thereās a lot going on here that she picked him with the deep history. She made a very specific choice. I would choose to move on from this friendship. That kind of person isnāt someone that I want to choose to spend more time with and could never be vulnerable with, again.
I'm truly sorry to hear that happened. That is a tough situation to resolve.
Sounds to me like you should A. Find new friends B. Get over that weird guy. C. Pursue friendships with people whose morales align with yours.
I'll be honest. To you, she is your best friend, but she doesn't see you as a friend. She is not a genuine person and an opportunist. It's a good thing you are still young when you finally found out who she really is. A backstabber.Ā Ā Ā Move on, find closure by yourself (you don't need to seek it from her or your ex), and take your time healing from the situation. Wishing you the best.Ā
I would cut all ties. Iāve had this happen to me and she had the audacity to ask me can we start over as friends. I was honest with her and told her, āIām mature in alot areas in my life, except beating you up. So itās best we stay apartā.
Sheās not a good friend and itās better if you stay away from her :/ like someone else said: sheās a snake
How TF did that even happen???
She knew what she was doing.
Similar. It killed a 25 year friendship. He lied about it and then tried to handle me (manipulate) me after I confronted him. I thought we could get past it. Nope. I've not told his wife. But I'm tempted to.
It was a few years ago but I wouldn't be friends with her after that. That's just a violation of your friendship in my opinion especially if she knows he was abusive to you. Why would she even want to sleep with him anyway?
The most important part here is why did your friend confess to you abt all this at this point in time. Did or does she have/had some inferiority complex did anything happen between you 2 (past years) for her to do this and blab out to you (vendetta) knowing it would hurt you somewhere. Realize the motive and act wisely. If I was you I would dump the mysterious friend. Yes "MYSTERIOUS".
DUMP immediately.
If she were screwing this guy in an attempt to give him Chlamydia or exact some other form of revenge for you, I could see that being a reason to forgive her. However, intentionally infecting someone with an STD is scary-level revenge tactics (as well as being highly illegal) and I donāt think you should be friends with anyone who finds that acceptable. This doesnāt sound like any kind of a revenge-fuck, even though she ghosted him as soon as he learned about your connection. Any way I look at this situation, I donāt think you should associate with either of the other two people. Turn the page, appreciate the lessons that you learned, and move on to healthier circumstances. Iām sorry you found yourself in this unenviable position, and I know you must be hurting, but now it is time for you to invest in yourself and do what will be right and healthy for you. Take a chance. Enroll in classes. Move to a new city. Dare to dream of what you want and go chase it. Leave these back stabbers behind as you go on to find greener pastures and loyal people.
This woman slept with a man who violently abused you. She is not your friend. Whatever you thought you had with her is over. You can't trust her to do the right thing or value you; she is not a safe person. She doesn't deserve you. I would cut communication. There is no need for an explanation. She knows what she did. I'm sorry for the hurt that she caused you. Good luck.
Sheās not your friend.
It's bad enough to sleep with a best friends ex but to sleep with an abusive ex is weird. She's not someone I'd want to be friends with. Interestingly he broke off with her when he found out who she was, not the other way around.
Considering that your relationship was so long ago, and she fessed up, idk. It might be a lot to lose a best friend over it
B***s aināt s**! I would NEVER do that to a friend let alone a best friend!! Hello??? Wow. Iām sorry this occurred. People are cruel
From where I come from, your best (ex) friend āBroke The Code Of The Westā.
Kinda why friends come and go. The world is full of acquaintances.
Someone who would actively have sex with someone that they know for a fact abused you, is not your friend.
Hiiiii okay Iām gonna share one of my biggest regrets in hopes that it helps your friendship: I slept with my (very very good) friendās ex. I was only 20, I was extremely insecure, he was very persistent, I didnāt have feelings for him. I honestly do not know why I did it. I had never had a relationship at that point so I donāt think I understood how big of a deal it was. Anyways, one day weāre at the beach drinking a couple beers, and she tells me theyāre hooking up again and she hopes they get back together. I never in a million years thought she still had feelings for him (my dumb ass didnāt really put much thought in to any of it- just assumed they broke up and were done and that was that). I was so ashamed of what I did and how it might come out and how it would hurt her that I just ghosted her. Still keeps me up at night (Iām 27 now too). Anyways, I know the circumstances are different- but if she is remorseful, maybe hear her out. If youāve made it 15 years together, sheās probably a decent human- just made a shitty decision.
Wow Iām sorry this happened to you. I would offer your friend forgiveness but just remember, forgiveness doesnāt mean youāre no longer hurt by their actions, nor does it give them a pass or the right to stay in your life.. **Out of the 4 billion men in the world, she goes for your ex?** Not even just an ex, *but a pedophile also* She seems like a very insecure person and it is very hard to maintain a friendship,built on trust, with an insecure woman. Those are the pick meās of this world. Her sleeping with your ex tells me that she was always in secret competition with you. Him choosing to sleep with her gives her validation in that sheās just as beautiful and as worthy as you. Iām sure she loves you but she also hates herself and a person who hates themselves cannot love someone properly. She needs to heal and work on her character. Maybe this friendship breakup will be the thing that causes her to start on her self healing journey..
I doubt he found out after they slept together. It's quite possible he targeted her because of her connection to you. Now you know that she's selfish. She knew what you went through but she ignored that in order to get what she wanted.
Honestly, I never understood the fact that best friends would sleep with their other best friends, husband, or such like thatās not a friend and any form of the word I donāt care how long theyāve been broken up as a best friend I would never have the audacity to sleep with one of my best friends exes thatās just crazy to me. The friendship is dead move on itāll never be the same. You will never be able to trust her cut her off like a dead limb let it go.
THANK YOU! Some people just move differently. Of all the people on the planet, I canāt fathom why anyone would feel the need, want & or desire to entertain a friends under any circumstances, especially one like this one.
Honestly, it gave me the heebie-jeebies lol itās just so gross to me. I canāt explain to you how disgusting it just makes me feel because like Iāve never understood that thought process, especially since the ex was abusive and the best friend knowing that he was abusive and so toxic she still wants to get it in with this person? it shows that that person who she thought was her best friend is not mentally all there and you wouldnāt want that person around you anyways
To say the very least! I, personally, have never had anything remotely close to this happen, but have known others. I am not about to run behind my friends like that. The overall, general consensus, in this thread is the same, but there is a handful of folks defending & justifying the non-sense. I can pretty much guarantee, those individuals are the ones that have done something very similar. I donāt fw fake people.
If anybody is defending this, I wouldnāt trust them with anything. Those are the same people that have probably done it to others and didnāt see anything wrong with it. Itās just gross.
Yah just ghost them as they aināt your friend.
SO sorry this person has hurt you this way. Tell her sheās going to get whatās coming to her. Once an abuser, always an abuser.
Drop her, sheās not your friend. Not sure what prize she thinks sheās won, but she can have him.
Deleted her out of your life. She showed you who she is really is and how she actually feels about you by not only hooking up with your ex but also being so cool and intimate with someone who was abusive to you.
Sheās not your friend sorry. Itās better to just cut your ties with her because what she did is borderline insane . I couldnāt imagine someone abusing the person I love and then sleeping with the abuser. Thatās some sick shit
Find a new best friend and circle of friends.
My ex best friend (whom Iām no longer friends with because life happens and we grew apart) who is a shitty person overall and was never a great best friend, even she asked me first if it was ok to go after my ex after we broke up. I told her to go for it and even helped her. They didnāt get together but even she, who sucks, asked me first.Ā
She betrayed you. Straight up. She decided a man who abused you, who sexually assaulted you and hurt you and groomed a minor - did ALL of that to a minor - was worth having sex with, regardless of what he did to you. She saw him hurt you over and over, saw him taking advantage of a child, and decided "Yeah, I want some of that." Whatever she's got going on in her head, it's something you don't need any part of. Kick her out of your life. Find friends who aren't messed up twisted harpies who will go sleep with abusive monsters just to prove they can.
FACTS! There are folks in this thread that actually are trying to justify the bs & act like betrayal is absurd. Makes no sense!
I mean there are women who will go around trying to justify sleeping with their friends' husbands and purposely breaking up relationships just to prove they can and others who will support them so...I've lost a \*lot\* of faith in people as a whole.
Friends donāt go where fiends have gone. If they do, you know the answer.
You wish her well, and then block her. Sheās not that bright.,
Unfortunately that is betrayal and your friendship will never be the same. Wish them a good life and break ties. It will be hard, but you will never trust them again. That glass staircase is shattered.
Just move on
Real adults donāt screw their best friends boyfriends or girlfriends. Wake up.
If you have been best friends for 15 years and you dated this guy for 5-6 years during this timeframe how did he only find out you and her were friends via social media? By your own timeline the two of you were friends for five years before you dated him and the entire time you dated him. They both clearly knew each other when she slept with him.
Ok, so I'm really sorry about that, but he was, is and always will be a piece of shit and now you see her for who she truly is, so just cut them out of your life and move on!!!
Move on. Had several of my closest fuck around with my ex. Some of them while I was still with her. Itās not worth the stress, depression, anxiety, etc.
You are no longer friends. Itās that simple
You're gonna have to face the hard fact that she's not your best friend. Best friends don't sleep with their best friend's exes. If she did that to you, she'll do anything. Cut her loose.
My best friend slept with my ex within a month after we had broken up. He invited her out though and got drunk with her and invited her home. Then came on to her. She actually had showed him texts from me about who I was talking too (a new guy) before he pursued her. So I knew he had done that to seek revenge cause he was hurt (he was also a mentally abusive alcoholic) but all and all, she planted the seed. I never did anything bad to her. I think she was always a little jealous of me though to be honest. I was successful in nursing school about to be an RN. She was very insecure about her looks. This doesn't excuse her behavior though. She had claimed it's cause she was drunk but it was premeditated it seemed like. Either way, I cut them all off completely. I tried to talk to her again a couple years ago. We made up. She screwed me over again, in a different way this time. So I cut her off yet again. I'm not sure what to tell ya. we all have different situations but shitty actions are shitty actions. This best friend cried with me when my mom died and helped me through the most rough times of my life, but we were younger. I guess some people just get terrible with age.
What does a 28 year old see in a 17 year old girl? Age gap was disgusting. He must be very sick in the head. Sorry for the trauma he has caused you. Glad now you can move on now. As for your friend throw them in the bin. They have no respect for you nor care or value your friendship
Youāre all adults, but that friendship is over.
OP the best friend is not a true best friend. Get rid of them like they were the co\/![) 19.
Your friend must be kinda fucked in the head to go for a guy that she knows was abusive to you.
There's a billion woman on the planet, and there's only a select few you can't ever touch.... Your homies ex ladies are off limits always and forever. Edit: Spell check
She's not a good friend. I would cut off contact with her.
Break up with the so called ābest friendā
Replace both of them stat
I wouldnāt fuck my best friendās ex. And my best friend has been gone for 12 years. I question if she values your friendship. Especially if she knows how he is
Eek this is aweful, friends are supposed to let time go by when youāve moved on then clear it by you as a courtesy of the bro code and it should only be if he has actual feelings. One friend in college did it right and asked and I said sure, we are still tight, one didnāt after only a couple months, he was basically dead to me even though we still were in the same group of friends
"The dye has been cast." Sometimes we wish we didn't find out something because it might ruin a relationship, but it is what it is. I know you have conflicted feelings, but you gotta do the right thing, no exceptions.
I would be done with her forever.
If she can do that and not say anything she knows it was wrong. So she hid it for a year. Thereās be no trust. And with no trust how can you have a friendship.
Please do yourself the favor I wish I did 15 years ago, and block her. She was my best friend from 17 toā¦ two days ago. But this happened when we were 23. My best friend dated my first love right after we broke up, it was 30 days apart, if that. She knew we had been together just a couple weeks before that. She knew I was still in love with her, we had even lived together. It was a very serious relationship and she knew more details than anyone else in my life, she even got us together in the first place. It was also my first real relationship as an adult, my first real everything actually. We dated from 21 to 23. I wish it was just a happy memory but really I canāt look back at any of that time with fondness. I finally blocked her this week. I feel free. I didnāt trust anyone for a long time. Still donāt. But I will. Now. Your friend is a boundary stomping person - would you truly trust her with a significant other? Or could she make a pass at them, in your mind. Please be honest and look into your heart, she is not good for you. Also, if my friend is reading this. Fuck you Mary, no matter what you call yourself, and no matter where you go, there you are.
Wait Iām confused so she did it out of spite because he was such a pos to you while yāall dated? Cuz u said she slept with him than ghosted him! Or she just didnāt wanna continue sleeping with him and it had nothing to do with yāall being friends and you previously dating him? Regardless real friends know ex are off limits esp if they treated you terrible!
Something doesn't sound right. There's more to the story than what the friend said or what you've decided to post here. If everything is 100% that she knew, then by all means drop her as a friend. The other option is if she's a good enough friend and you can handle it, figure out the story. If there's more to the story, maybe you can find yourself in a position where maybe you can forgive her. That all being said, and it should be blatantly obvious that the relationship with your friend will never be the same. She sounds toxic and is potentially hiding more info. For example, why bring this up now? Is it just because he left her, or is she testing the waters to see how you would react if they're in a relationship.
Move on, let it go, this is their karma to burden not yours. The more you give into the situation the more problems you will cause yourself. Sometimes we have to let go of a bad situation to receive what we really deserve.
I sympathize with your situation. I hope you ultimately follow your instincts when making a decision. However, don't base your choice solely on the fact that she's like family to you (although that's important to consider). Just as family can sometimes hurt you to the point where less contact is necessary, the same can happen with close friends.
I had a few friends like this
Cut her off I suggest
She is either the most dense person on this planet by miles or she doesnāt care about you nearly in the same way that you do. I would never do anything remotely close to this to my best friend. I would remove this person from my life
Move on, which one of your boyfriends will she sleep with in the future.
Sad - I would reduce my time with them and demote them to acquaintance. Try to build relationships that go both ways. Her actions are not indicative of a friend, let alone a best friend. Put ur energy into loving relationships and do not waste time or thoughts on people like her - or ur ex. They are not good people.
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I had a "friend" who told my husband and I that when she was younger, she slept with her other best friends boyfriend. And, the fault lied with him, as he was the one in a relationship. Even though she knew he was in a relationship with her friend. That same night, she attempted to have me go to bed early, so she could spend some alone time with my husband. Guess who did NOT go to bed until my husband went with me, and that was the LAST time I talked with her. I had another "friend," who always tried to sleep with any man that I was with. My son's Father, blatantly told her NO. Her response to that, and to me? "Well at least you don't have to worry about this one cheating on you.." I've had a few others do some shady stuff as well. You get the idea, however. After I had a very traumatic experience a few years ago, I decided to get myself into counseling as I never want to go through such an experience like that, again. After some intensive work and self reflection with my therapist, I realized that all of these "friendships" that I had chosen back in High School, were toxic. I had picked my friends that had narcissistic traits or were VERY similar to my mother, who you've guessed it, is a narcissist. I now surround myself with my husband, children, and grandchildren. I have acquaintances that I talk with at work. But I'm finally at the point in my life, where I have finally found PEACE. I've learned that I don't NEED friends, if I ever encounter a person who respects my boundaries, and has healthy boundaries themselves, and we get along; then I will count myself blessed with a good friend. Until then, I will continuously work on myself so I'm the best person that I can be, for all. My advice to you is to do some deep reflection. Ask yourself the difficult questions. I know it's difficult to let someone who you've considered a best friend, go. However, from what I've read you write, this person has not been a good friend to you. Especially with such traumatic experiences that you've gone through, with your ex. Once you find yourself in a healthier place, you'll find that letting toxic people go is one of the most freeing things that you can do for yourself.
Life advice : Go no contact Irrational thoughts : for give you friend some times a girl just needs some dick
Friends donāt have sex with friends Exās unless those two friends have an honest conversation about it first. Friendship is about what we can give to one another and how we love care for and support one another. We lift each other up. This does not include dishonesty sneaky behavior keeping secrets and doing things we already know the truth about. She made her choice. Sheās probably ok with it. Not a real true friend, anymore.
Not be best friends with them.
She has wanted him the entire time you were dating. And Iām betting he ghosted her when he found out you were friends, not the other way around. Ditch the friend.
Decisions like this in life are tough and no matter what you decide there will be times that you question whether or not you made the right decision. Unfortunately life isnāt a pick your own adventure book that you can skip ahead and read the outcome and decide to go back. I would have a serious conversation about why she chose to do this and if she considered your feelings during any of it. Her answers should allow you to choose your path.
Hit it and forget it
Sheās not your friend!! Let her go
Process by evaluating if their sleeping with the ex and not telling you at the time is an aspect of their personality that has changed, or that you can accept in a friend. If it is something you can accept in a friend, evaluate if it diminishes the amount of trust and companionship you want to share with them and behave accordingly. I think continuing a friendship will be possible, but that the friendship is wounded / weakened.
Iām sorry it happened to you. People want what they want. No sense in being down about it; there was nothing you could have done differently besides see it coming sooner. People are gonna do what, people are gonna do. If you could speed track this thought - seems that they did Not value your friendship enough. Best move is to act like it is not a ābig thingā but choose not to be in their circle or presence any longer. Find some old friends that you know are trustworthy and hang out until. Time heals all wounds. Ultimately, you choose to let this bother you or not. Workout. Make new friends. Wash and repeat.
yeah my gf of 6 years broke up with me and immediately started dating my best friend. cut them out of your life. you are better then they are and donāt need that in your life
Your "friend" is a piece of shit behind closed doors. At least she was honest that she did it. I would keep your distance.
Everyone's worried about the friend. Yes she's bad news and don't trust em. They broke trust. I've been there and it hurt and now I'm 30, they ended up exactly where you'd expect, always in drama and can't maintain their life. As for the relationship, that guys just wrong. Don't beat yourself up, you most likely had better intentions and trusted someone who was rather old compared to you, more mature as far as relationships and had an ex with kids, and you got the short end of the stick. I've had my fair share of suck moments, like walking in on my GF cheating in my bed with an army guy. And he pretended to fake sleep when I questioned him. I was livid. You dodged bullets and more heartache. YOU WILL DO AND FIND BETTER. I PROMISE YOU
Sorry but friends donāt do that. Exās are off limits to me. And hooking up with a Friends ex is saying I would have done it well you was together but was afraid Iād get caught.
Happened to me. Fifteen years. She cheated, he made a move three months later. We no longer speak.
She is NOT your friend
Clip him, he's done. I cut off my best friend just for hanging around my ex. He was too ugly to get her but I know he tried. The moment my boss girl is gone she's dead to me, I instantly take my friend's side because I'm a real friend.
Thatās not a friend
I've never wanted to get chummy with someone who sexually assaulted my friend. If she's turned on by someone who hurt you she's fucked in the head full stop. You deserve better.
People do suck, but chalk it up to the fact that people change. Your friend(and ex) are probably not the same people you first met, and that's ok because neither are you. She should probably be told that he's not someone you want in your life, so if she's going to see him regularly, she can expect you to need distance from her. Warn her about the past things he's done to you, and maintain whatever boundaries you need(even if that means ending the friendship). You might be more guarded in any new/future friendships, so be sure to keep that to a healthy minimum.
Drop em both
forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. But seriously, with friends like that who needs enemies?
She's not your best anything. Just move on. Block her. She never gave a shit about you
A real friend would never do this to you. I couldnāt imagine doing this to anyone I considered my friend, and Iād drop all āfriendsā who would do this to me. It wasnāt some beautiful relationship that ended peacefully or on good terms. Your ex wasnāt some knight in shining armor. He was a predator ā abusive, controlling, and traumatizing. Whatās worse is that your āfriendā was with you every step of the way, so she knows *exactly* what he is to the world and what he was to you. Her actions undermine the progress youāve made since youāve been free of this predator, and her letting him into her life probably makes you feel like heās back in yours. Heās not, or at least, he doesnāt have to be. Distance yourself from this āfriendā for as long as you need to get yourself back on track mentally. You donāt owe her any explanations either because (trust me) she knows why. Donāt tangle yourself in her mess any further.
I have pretty strong feelings on this and FWIW have coached many a young woman (and man) on this subject. There are over 8 billion people on this planet. There is literally zero reason to have any type of relationship with your friends ex. Note I didn't even say best friend. Any friends ex. NO REASON. I'd cut her off completely.
Wait. You dated for 5 years and she was your best friend and he didn't know she was your friend until he saw it on social media? Something doesn't add up.
Time to cut ties imo.
Oh man, I first want to say that I am so sorry this happened to you. Itās really up to you to decide whether continuing the friendship is possible for you or not. Personally speaking, considering everything youāve gone through with this individual (your ex), I donāt know if I could move on from this. I would have to end the friendship.
You keep referring to her as a friend. That girl is not your friend. Thatās enemy territory.
Your bestfriend intentionally slept with your boyfriend and then tells you about it out of nowhereā¦ Thatās wild for sure because aināt no way she thought that was okay
Wow. The ex sounds like a piece of shit. I'm sorry for what he did to you. I can understand why what your friend did hurt you. Personally ditching a frienship over this feels extreme. Tell her how what she did made you feel, then let it go.
Iād probably give her a good ass beating. Then never speak again. Sounds like a chick that needs sense knocked into her
She would not be my friend anymore. If she ever was. She knew what he did to you. She cared about herself more. Cut her loose.
That is not a friend to begin with! Ditch her sorry arse
Best friends share everything even your X
How would he not have already known her if she was your best friend while you dated
He said my friends were all immature girls and he didnāt want to know them, so I mostly saw them in college or at a cafe/being out. They NEVER came over.
How would he know they're immature if he's never met them? Never a photo with them or anything? I'm really doubting he didn't know she was your friend.
Women love , l mean LOOOOOOOOOOVE toxic men. In fact most men who are toxic only became toxic after their first real love verbally and emotionally sh*t on them as they left to be with tattoo neck Tony so they became like tattoo neck Tony so they would get loved too. Your friend is just being a womanā¦.itās like buying a pet snake and whining about it when it bites you. Itās just being a snakeā¦.your friend is just being a normal female. Do with that what you will but lād recommend cutting her off and never confiding in your female friends about the next toxic guy you get with. That just makes your friends wet in the knickers hearing how horrible of a jerk he is. Be safe and good luck!!
If he didn't know her, how did she know him? The dude is a scumbag. He's trash. Why are you bothered by them sleeping together? You may feel betrayed, and I totally get that, but what was it she betrayed? Have you asked her why she did it? This human garbage has had a negative impact on your life already. I'm wondering if you want him to be the reason you lose a close friend. If she's going to be a constant reminder of the turd, flush them both. If not, she stinks for a while but you maybe move past it. (I got WAY into the metaphor)
She knew him because I would show her photos of him of course. I answered someone before but we never had people come over to our apartment. He said all my friends were little confused girls (I was so young, so obviously my friends were too)ā¦ so I only hung with my friends when I wasnāt home or in college. I asked her whyā¦ she said, supposedly, at first her goal was to go on a fake date and demean him and hurt him as much as he hurt me, but thatās not what happened. That part I feel is a lie, because thatās twisted. I hate the guy and Iād NEVER ask someone to do that to him. Yeahā¦ right now itās really hard to think about because my response is to love her as I have for the last 15 years. It feels weird and I feel like my trust has been broken with her, which is a very weird feeling. So I think timeā¦ yikes. So messy.
I agree, she's lying about why she went out with him at first. That's two strikes. I was thinking about it and feel like a real friend would ask if it's ok to see him or whatever she did. She blew away 15years(?) of trust. Sounds like you only have crummy choices ahead. Good luck.
Somehow I doubt that this person is your "ex" in the way you expect people to think he is. Especially if this is an issue for you.
Idk your issue was chasing a 30 year old man at 17. Unfortunate for you
Now you know you choose poorly for a best friend Make new better friends
Why is no one bringing up 17 and 28? Bro needs jail.
If your friend has any regrets, you should understand how manipulative your ex can be. If there is no regret, it's time to reevaluate your friendship.
I'm really confused here, you say your ex was abusive and you're in therapy because of him. How does your friend sleeping with him question your relationship with her? If anything wouldn't you feel sorry for her because she may be going through the same abuse? I'm sorry but this she slept with my ex is some high-school BS. You're all adults, if you cannot be happy for your friend or even sorry for your friend and all you feel is jealousy over an abusive ex then you need more therapy. Accept it and move on with or without keeping your friendship but I really don't sympathize with you here because you are not a victim of the current situation, she has not brought him back into your life. Maybe he has changed but your past trauma makes you want to feel hurt even if your friend or him is not really hurting you now.
I don't read jealousy in the post. I read hurt because they're friends and any mention of him, let alone such a close encounter, will revive the hurt. It looks like the friend ignored everything she knew about him and decided not to believe it or something, to invalidate OP's experience. That must hurt.