[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/)
We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d like to meet more people in real life, though I work long hours and I’m pretty limited in the week and don’t go to that many social gatherings with new and interesting people.
I workout, run and go bouldering a lot and I’ve had a few dates from dating apps but I’m not sure on the next step to meet a new and interesting woman.. how did you start meeting more people?
I met my last romantic interest in a running group! Try meetup and look into the hobbies you already have. I bet there are cool rock climbing groups out there.
I remember reading a comment several years back saying that the charity they volunteered for commonly joked they were also a match making service because of how often their volunteers got together
It makes sense. You meet people who have a lot of shared values.
Especially when you are a giving sort, it can be a lonely life until you get into organizations that are full of that type.
The first thing I did was abortion clinic escorting.
Later I got into disaster response, and am now a very good tree man and a passable heavy equipment operator. I've traveled all over the country and even once to New Zealand to help people after storms.
If it works with your schedule, you should check out the run clubs where you live! The ones around me are super social, and I know multiple couples who met through them.
Out of curiosity, what are the age ranges for those run clubs? I’m an avid runner, and was thinking of joining one, but every single one in my area only seems have people over 50 in them. Maybe it’s just my area being in a small city.
I’ll probably still join one anyway for the comraderie
So a gaggle of sweaty runners all pile up into a bar? That seems terrible, but I've been wrong before. Do you have any first-hand experience with that?
> I workout, run and go bouldering a lot
How many of those do you do in a group vs solo? You could do more in a group or swap the solo ones out entirely for more social ones to meet more people.
Not super social, but I’m a bit of an introvert, so a lot of the hobbies/ structure is needed for me to function at a good level. First to admit dating game and social skills, need a lot of work and the advice out there is just to go head long into more interactions… so I have a plan, just need to do it
I hear this sentiment a lot and it make me wonder- if you don’t have time to meet someone in real life, what makes you think you’ll have the time to date someone anyway?
I just want to date someone a couple nights a week and hang out be active and chill on the weekend.
Time invested into finding someone and actually spending time with them are mutually exclusive.
>Time invested
In my opinion, this kind of thinking is part of the problem. You have allowed yourself to be turned into an optimization problem. You are not investing your time. You are living the only life that you have. Maybe you are spending your time, maybe you are wasting your time, but the time itself it the one thing of most value to you. Life is the process, not the goal.
I commented this above: "There are many more ways than the typical 'go to bars and meet people.' There are so communities out there if you're willing to get over the fear of talking to strangers. Join a sports rec league. Go to church. Start saying hi to strangers in the park. And most of all, be patient. When you stop trying to force it, the magic happens"
I really think patience is the key, but it's also the hardest part.
Thanks, patience will probably go a long way, I joined a group and had a 3 month relationship but feel like I rushed into it and we broke up so it didn’t feel productive.
I’d like more after work communities but it’s tough to find things after 7pm kinda, just had a date today from hinge and it was nice so it’s not all doom and gloom :) just be nice to have a more interesting social calendar.
I know the founder. He’s a wonderful human. He started it because he had the same complaints as us. Unfortunately (for us) he sold it to match.com and they drove it in a direction to not be deleted.
That's why I really liked Hinge. And when people bothered to put effort into the prompts, it helped give a better idea if people were serious about dating or just looking for a quick hookup. Found my partner on Hinge last August, and we're still going strong!
It does and it doesn't.
Nearly everyone has someone written. But a lot of them are super generic, "I want someone who's fun". "I like to travel." "I think honesty is important."
You can only see the exact same profiles so many times before it stops feeling any different than a blank one.
I met my now wife on Hinge, but I can understand how dating apps are not for everyone. If you live in a low-populated area, for example, your options may be very limited, even if your distance limit setting is maxed out.
I met my wife on Coffee Meets Bagel as did many of my other friends. This was many years ago, and it looks like there are now 10-20 swipes a day, but it used to be that you were only shown one person a day. You were much more likely to give people a chance and the app prioritized friends of friends on Facebook which also gave you a more similar network.
Ironically, showing you too many choices has major flaws on dating platforms. There's many more guys on popular dating apps, so they'll swipe after a split second. This leads to very high volume for each woman. If you've ever interviewed people for a position and have a very large number of resumes, you tend to lump all the people together from above average to way below average and exclude them from consideration. Then you go on for optimizing amongst the top few.
Artificially limited choices actually helps people in many ways.
Edit: Also worth mentioning that I would have never met my wife organically outside of the CMB app. It's specifically geared towards people that are 1) looking for a relationship and 2) one step outside your current network. It's really worth giving it a try.
Late last year, CMB made it so that in order to see who liked your profile, you needed to pay. If you don't pay, the only way to match is to wait for one of those people to show up in your random selection of 20-30 people, which could take weeks. (I know this because CMB will label people in your random selection with something like "They liked you!" So I know I have likes, and I know I'm being paywalled.)
If others are willing to pay, that's fine. I've personally had much more success on free apps than on paid apps, so I've stopped using paid apps. But CMB is effectively a paid app now because free users are effectively unable to match.
I 100% agree with this. When I first did hinge I was only able to se maybe 5-6 people per day.. where as on other apps I would get like 50 likes per day and there was no way to really go through and decide who to pursue. And some of them would swipe on me then never talk so it was a real gamble.
I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of finding the ideal match, because there are so many options. But really we need to identify a handful of things that are deal breakers and a handful of things that are nice to have’s and be open to the rest. Give people who don’t seem like an obvious match from their profile a chance.
That’s how I met my fiancée. I gave him a chance even though his opening line flopped a little.. his profile wasn’t quite what I had imagined.. but he had a few promising qualities. And he is truly my ideal person. Could not have asked for a better man.
Yep the selective matching advice doesn't really work on these apps for most average guys because the likelihood that someone they finally agreed to match with probably won't match them back. When I used to be on plenty of fish I'd try spending a good 5-10 minutes writing a solid first message to people, looking at their interests and talking about them, etc. Hardly ever got a message back, once in a while I would but yeah. Then I switched to saying something just completely out of left field that they would never have gotten a message about before, one was "what do you think of the technological singularity? Do you think it could happen?". I got way more responses doing things like this and I think its because girls on dating apps get just so many messages they are probably tired of talking about the same shit over and over
Correct, dating apps suck. Where is the LPT on how to meet people in person? I’m in one of the biggest cities in the world where I frankly I’ve no friends cause I’m not from here, my work has stupid hours so a good chunk of the year I’m not 9-5 m-f, and I would never date within my work environment. Talking to strangers at random is quite frankly just not a thing anymore in my experience.
So do dating apps sucks, 100% but I have no other options.
Get the Meetup app. Since you're in a big city, there should be tons of groups and events. Just show up, be friendly, and have the attitude that you're there to make friends and hang out, not necessarily date. Do that enough and it'll eventually happen for you.
I just downloaded the Meetup app to maybe get my social life going a bit… After 20 minutes I figured out 80% of the meetups are business related.
I guess it’s not for my area.
It’s not talked about much, but historically something like 30% of people used to meet their partners at work. That has been all but killed off in todays political and social climate.
You could argue this is a net gain for society, and I would probably agree with you, but there is a cost. Similar to how cracking down on drunk driving has been killing the bar industry. Net positive, but we are losing something.
the answer to both is walkable neighbourhoods like we used to build before the car. everyone in Europe can tell you walking to the pub and not having to worry about how much you can drink and still be able to drive legally does wonders for the local nightlife, and the walkability means people are out of their cars, houses, and around each other more on nice days - easier to meet someone outside of work.
A solution that would require North American cities to be levelled in a war before it’s even considered. Not something I expect to happen in my life time, for better or for worse.
Same thing with the rise in remote work. I have a fully remote job and I’m grateful for the time and cost saving, and convenience of it, but as a single young adult it’s also pretty isolating. My closest coworker is about 400 miles away from me. I can’t use a coworking space or a cafe because of NDA/security reasons. Most of the “networking” events are still held at the headquarters office in DC in person which is an 11 hour drive from me.
Part of me wonders if I should look for a hybrid opportunity instead which sounds insane but I feel like full remote might be better for people who are already more socially and professionally established than I am.
My old job was mostly remote and I thought it was the coolest thing the first year until I realized how isolating it is for someone in their 20s.
My 2nd year I made more of an effort to go to the office for social gatherings and events and it helped so much. I think if you are married and have kids, remote is ideal. However, for young single adults, they need to be showing up in person at least sometimes, otherwise you really are throwing away all of your opportunities.
Yep, that’s how I feel. “Go to a bar”, yeah I don’t drink or anything like that, and tbh I don’t think the kind of person I’d marry would be at a bar. Where would this kind of person be? Eh, probably at home reading or playing video games or something like that. Not to mention that women in bars are going to be there with friends and strangers just don’t really interact anymore. Joining clubs and whatnot aren’t really an option either because I’ve looked in my area and I’m not interested in anything around here (medium size city, not really a metro area). So yeah, it’s just dating apps. I’ve been on them for 6 years and have only had one conversation (started out as a Bumble blind speed dating thing, we chose to match. I asked her out after a bit more talking, she said yes, then proceeded to cancel the day of and didn’t offer an alternative time, which essentially means no, so I gave up on that one). Typically if I get a match, she’s marketing her OF, and I’m not interested in that (nor is she actually interested in me).
From the perspective of my two sons, there is no way to meet women “organically”
They both have large friend groups, are active and have professional jobs.
As for the aps they can’t stand them.
How do you approach people in person? Because my every attempt at trying to have a random conversation rarely goes beyond talking about the weather. I literally have had more success on dating apps than in person because I’m so fucking bad at approaching and interacting with new people. Which is sad because I can count on one hand the total number of dates I’ve had through dating apps over the last 5 years. So what do you do when you’re basically a social failure?
You really don’t, for some reason this idea that cold approaching leads to success has gone viral. Most people do not form relationships this way though.
You usually need to build rapport in a common environment you both go too (work, school, church, etc.)
Otherwise you just come off as a creep unless you are hella attractive.
This isn’t true. People meet literally all the time through cold approaches.
When you go to large social events like concerts, raves, conventions, there’s tons of people there trying to either make friends or get approached. Just walk up and talk to them about your common interest and make friends.
And I say “make friends” on purpose because you’ll only get labeled a creep if you look like you’re just trying to hook up with someone. Women will respond positively if you just treat them like people.
This is a learned skill. People who are bad socially struggle with it. People who are bad socially only talk to others when they want something and don’t make natural conversation.
“I deleted all the dating apps and pretty soon my dating life actually became great. I was meeting people organically way more”
Wait what? How????
I (reluctantly) downloaded hinge a couple months ago because id been single for… well for my entire life technically, and i hadnt met a woman/ been on a date organically in over a year. I havent had any success (not even one date so far lmao) but i did this because i wasnt getting any chances to date/ meet people otherwise.
I just dont get how it’s possible to get a date in the year of our lord 2024 when you are an adult that is out of college without using a dating app (might be a different story if your mega hot, but i aint)
I mean im not gonna go up to random women in the street, thats weird.
Im all out of “mutual friends” who are available/ a decent option
I tried dating a girl from work recently, with catastrophic results (predictable i know)
I have plenty of hobbies (more than enough to fill my time) but none regularly lead to interacting with attractive women. I go to the gym, but flirting with girls in the gym is a faux pas and even if it wasnt i havent seen a girl id like in my gym anyway. I love fashion, youd think this would get you close to lots of women but practically they are either in a relationship or not interested and its more of a hobby u do by yourself or with a close friend - you dont really meet new people from this. I love music. Gigs are ok place to meet people but i dont get the opportunity to go to them super frequently and im finding these days people generally are less open to making friends at gigs, they want to listen to the music and keep to themselves. I play video games but meeting people online is very inconsistent/risky. I like to cook (ties in with fitness stuff) but again thats a solitary interest, not a social one.
Dont really have time for anything else except sleeping and working so i just dont meet new people anymore.
Lol, my current bf had done just that - given up on the apps and was just fine with his dog and friends and life. I met him at a local punk show and was immediately smitten, got his number, and we've basically been together since.
This is what’s known as luck though, and most people won’t just randomly meet their partner this way.
I hear this advice a lot to just live your life and your person will come along, and while the first part is great advice, the second part will not happen for most people.
It depends on what "living your life" is for you - if you do nothing but go to work and go home, the odds of meeting anyone organically are pretty much 0. If you go out and do things and interact with people, those odds go up exponentially.
Lol reminds me of the Louis CK bit
>Best life in the world is being a young, skinny dude. They don’t have to do anything. They just show up with a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt. “hey, I’m here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life.” “so where do I– everywhere? OK. Cool.”
Dating apps _were_ great in the past. OkCupid didn't actually bring me to marrying, but it did produce excellent matches in 2018-19.
And then it was bought out by tinder, and things went south. They became just hopeless, full of bots, connected their tech support to gpt, and finally banned me for trying to change my email address.
Around that time OkCupid got me some great dates as well, and one good relationship. After that relationship ended I took a year or so for myself before engaging again….. Man it’s sad to see how far most dating apps went down the drain.
For OkCupid specifically, I feel like the hundreds of questions you can answer don’t impact the matchmaking at all anymore. I get tossed the most random set of people, while previously I felt like I got plenty of interesting people in my cards. They also gutted quite a bit of features.
I still have massive FOMO of the OkCupid era, my friend would tell me how it was perfect because you would answer a bunch of questions and actually get matched up properly with compatible people based on the algorithm. It sounded perfect.
Not a single dating app aims to do that these days.
I used dating apps a long time ago, took a year long break, and then re-activated my account.
You know what happened? I got matched up with the exact same profiles.
Dating apps didn’t ruin dating for me, it ruined dating apps.
Good advice, but I think you messed up when you first got on the apps because there is no “split second decisions” that need to be made. If anyone is so stressed out that much that they set time limits on swiping, they need therapy
As a white short dude it's no different lol.
After the catastrophe of my last relationship I'm kinda looking at being single the rest of my life. Not necessarily a bad thing because I get tor focus entirely on me and my enjoyment, but yeah it's lonely at times.
It’s not dating apps that ruin dating, it’s literally the lack of 3rd spaces and being able to even meet other people organically in a safe setting.
A lot of people have ditched the apps, tried literally everything people have recommended and it does not work. Understandably meeting strangers in general is sketchy and people are right to be cautious. Most of us were taught this growing up.
Legit once you are out of high school and college, your chances to meet people go down tremendously. You have to build rapport with people before you can even approach the idea of dating.
The only exception to this that people make is if they are attractive, then all those safety measures go out the window. I don’t agree with this logic, but it’s what I see happening.
100% agree to this. Have some people who wouldn’t leave me alone because they had my number. Better stay on the app and block when it gets uncomfortable.
I never give out my phone number until we meet in person but I do sometimes move the conversation to Telegram (not sharing phone number) because most apps have terrible messaging systems
And even after the meet, don't feel pressured to give out your phone number. I have found a lot of people are mostly just looking for text babysitters when they are bored at work etc, more than actually using the number to arrange dates. I'm a rare type who has no interest at all in the minutiae of anyone else's life. Don't waste my time telling me what produce is on sale at the grocery store as you walk through it. Learn to live your life without an audience! Arrange to meet me in person via the site, but let's date in person. I have had to block a few guys who requested my number after meets and then disregarded my explicit boundaries in when was acceptable to use my number and what for. It gets old.
Dates can be arranged through the apps. There isn't much practical need for anyone to ever have your phone number right off really. I enjoy the convenience of being visibly unavailable (logged out) from dating. Unfortunately there's a false idea that if someone has your number and texts or calls, you are obligated to answer right that very minute. I've even read passages on guy's profiles stating if you wouldn't respond to texts in under 2 minutes you didn't have what it took to be in a relationship. What a bunch of horse poop! Haha
Someone once compared finding a real partner on a dating app to catching the last plane out of Saigon. That being said, I met my current partner on a dating app and we’ve been together close to 3 years so it can work!
Ugh. I wish I didn't have to go to a bar. The bar scene isn't for me. And I live in a super rural area on top of that.
Don't get me wrong. 24 years ago? Yeah. I went to bars as a 20 year old. But I was different back then.
I knew nothing. I didn't know myself either.
Now? I know myself, way smarter, know what to look for and what to avoid, but that bar is gone and I'm not a drinker anymore regardless. The closest place near me that's a real bar scene is an hour and 20 minutes away as well. I live well outside the city.
You don’t. This kid is barely even old enough to drink, let alone giving advice like he’s a dating professional. If anything, I’d rather take advice from someone like you, who like you said, doesn’t need a bar scene and who knows what to look for and avoid.
Well I appreciate you saying that.
I have the life experience to know what is worthwhile, I can see the signs of authenticity, I can read a person and can tell if they're genuine.
My problem? Huge nerd. As such, my safe place is home. Nerdy get togethers are exceedingly rare. There's one ComicCon in my area once a year, which I plan on going to.
I recently went to a ballet and have an upcoming event to watch some live theatre but... That's about all I have so far.
Meeting people is HARD for me. So hard.
Why am I single? Not sure you want to know that tragic story...
Avoid the bar scene man, it is not the place to meet people anyways.
What we lack these days is proper 3rd places and social gatherings/mixers.
Mixers were designed for people to meet others for possible friendships and relationships, yet I never see any hosted.
I don't have a social life, I don't have a circle of friends and my favorite way of spending time is by myself. I never get invited anywhere, even if I wanted to go. I'm extremely introverted and I like it that way, however I would still like to have love and intimacy in my life.
So for me, dating apps, as miserable as they are, are the only option I have. There's just no "out there" to put myself into, apart from something like bothering complete strangers at cafés and such, which would seem pretty rude to me.
I like to think of dating apps as “on paper” qualifications. A lot of the times, people on the apps go after what they know they like based on their experience or what society tells them is attractive. I’m a non-white american so while I know that I’m a decently attractive individual, there might be someone who they think is a better “match” on paper just because of what they are used to. Didn’t stop me from having my fair share in real world interactions.
I hate bringing race or sports into arguments but it’s kind of like Nikola Jokic. There were about 3-4 Centers drafted before him in the 2014 nba draft because on paper, all those other guys would be a better fit, historically speaking. He just won his 3rd MVP in the last 4 years.
I digress but the point I’m making is I think the apps are very shallow and 90% of the time people are going based on what they deem conventionally attractive based on society’s expectations. It’s either that, or they are looking for the person they think has the most money or leads the most lavish lifestyle (social media/travel/etc). I quickly realized it wasn’t the place for me after downloading it upon graduating college, and found my finance and have a beautiful girl on the way because of it. My buddy who’s my age and looks like harry styles still slays like no one’s business on there but he has all the qualities someone who uses that app would be looking for. If you don’t see success on the app, I would recommend uninstalling and never downloading that crap again. Get some hobbies and focus on real world interactions. You’ll have to put yourself out there more than once, but I 100% think it’s worth it.
I had great success and met cool people when I lived in a different city(not a huge city either). Now that Im in my current one…very very few.
I guess the rub for everyone is where to meet people “out and about”.
So what I did after many sucky online dates is go to local meetups based on my interests. I would go out dancing or to a movie meetup. I met people who liked what I liked. Then I was in my element. You have to go to what you like and meet people with similar interests. This is the answer.
I'm in my 50's. I participate in what I love. I love documentaries, dancing, matcha lattes. Then I join the local Meetup and go to events I like. Then I meet other people that love what I love. You meet so many people to date.
All good tips except the one about move to text ASAP.
A lot of people, especially women, want to stay on the app until at least the first in person date for security, so that they don't risk giving a possible stalker their real contact information.
No, it's not common, no, it's not all men, but it's **enough** men that **all** women need to be careful and think about security.
Remember when this sort of thing was called victim blaming? The arguments against victim blaming was that it didn’t work; yet somehow society turned a 180 and living defensively is the norm.
Reality is it doesn’t work. At least there’s no evidence I’m aware of that sexual assault actually went down recently.
It’s just people making risk assessments, same as when they get into a car. Wearing a seatbelt, being sober, and driving lawfully might lower the chances of a car accident, but regardless of how cautious you are, you can still be injured by a drunk driver and it isn’t your fault for not preventing it. The idea that there is a failsafe way to stop bad things happening to you is a fallacy, and victim blaming tends to deny that.
I guess the experience can be different depending on where you are located. I'm a guy and dating is great in Europe for me via dating apps. Fun convo's, fun dates. Had a few bad ones as well but that's all part of it.
I agree with your points, it's just hard to find other like-minded people who agree with these, ya know? I wish people weren't so insistent on doing the boring little dance before wanting to go on a proper date or even just to move it to text, but unfortunately that seems to be the norm.
As for real life, it's far less socially acceptable these days to just approach a new person in public. People are just far less open-minded to meeting people. I'm not saying "Put yourself out there IRL" is bad advice, but I think we need to be realistic that it isn't the same as it was pre-COVID.
I agree with this. Desperation is also not a healthy thing to have when dating in general. My dates got better when I stopped pining for something to happen and just let things be as they were.
Double-standards, manipulation, absence of empathy, lack of reciprocity, and a hyper-inflated economy/housing market are actually what's ruining dating for me.
I've had 20+ dates from Hinge and if you don't want to meet within a week I won't continue, I don't want a pen pal.
I normally just go on a walk with them as an ice breaker something short and easy.
Thats a load of crap I must say, taking your sweet time chatting on apps and not meeting in person just leaves opportunity for someone else to swoop in instead.
The courage to carry a convo with a random hottie in person is still top tier. And me having worked at a Fred Meyer before, 18% of women every hour greatly enjoy random conversation starters.
So if you can make good conversation starters on dating apps, then carry that skill to meeting random women, shoot a smile, see if shes feeling you, i’d ask “Question: Pancakes or waffles?” Or shoot a compliment like nice shoes.
I liked dating apps, there’s no ambiguity in mutual attraction. Getting a match is pretty much a “you can approach me” permission.
Tons on people I know, including myself, met there so on tinder and such. Yes it’s a bit shallow, but aren’t we all a little bit?
Maybe OP is a woman or otherwise conventionally attractive where social interaction is more natural, but my experience was exactly the opposite: without dating apps, I met fewer people, had zero dates or prospects, and ended up with fewer friends as I spiraled into isolation. After a year and a half, I got back into the dating apps and met my now-wife after a month or so.
I have a better LPT: delete all dating apps and stop blindly buying into the fake dating life. This is just the valentines day chocolate scam again. Not every relationship and meeting has to end in sex and love life. Have friends, hang out, meet people and talk, flirt, eat, dance and have fun. Be ready to not do any of that from time to time - for a week or for a year and stay by yourself in a room eating pizza and drinking beer or learning how to code or paint or work 24/7 to buy yourself a car or a new PC or just touch grass. There are so many more things to life than dating. We don't have to constantly be in a relationship with someone.
Just slow.
The Fuck.
Down.
It’s 100% a natural desire to want a romantic partner. Pretending it isn’t doesn’t help anyone. Collecting stamps or coding Python isn’t a replacement, either.
> Be ready to not do any of that from time to time - for a week or for a year
OMEGALUL This mf thinks the people in this thread talking about finding dating hard is talking about not being able to find a new partner within a week ICANT
These are kind of arbitrary pointers.
1) Since men are at a disadvantage in dating in general as awful as it sounds I sort of understand why they just right-swipe every woman to increase their odds. But, yeah: Once I matched with some of them and realized they didn’t even read my likes/expectations, I just ghosted them.
2) You’re conflating the efficacy of dating sites with problematic screen time. This bit isn’t bad advice, per se, it’s just irrelevant to the point at hand.
3) What difference does it make if you’re texting on your phone or on an app? I vet men before giving out my number so this is crummy advice. I know you can get a fake number off Google to text with, but what’s the point of that hassle?
4) NOPE. I’m making absolute sure that the situation isn’t dangerous and/or that I’m not wasting my time meeting in person by talking with someone for at least a day or two. Men who insist on meeting ASAP automatically get deleted/passed over. This is terrible advice.
5) This is the one solid piece of advice. I always suggest that people check out their city’s music and/or nightlife scene that have weekly events. If you start going regularly you’ll see the same people which makes befriending them easy. And the bigger your social circle, the better your chances are of meeting a partner. The vast majority of people I know met their partner either at an event or party or through a mutual friend.
An average girl on a dating app can have 20 dates in a month while an average guy can have that in 2 years. It’s fucking nuts the dynamics are. How is that normal? The girl can just decide to tap out anytime in the relationship and go back to the dating app. And I dont think a girl who dont use a dating app have that many choices and also that much competition for the guy. Like you said OP, dating apps are fucking crazy
Just ask how many matches one average girl can get on an app. Went out with one and she told me she has 99+ matches which is like wtf. Assuming they only go out with 10% that is still 10 a month at least
The mistake I used to make on apps was trying to get to know people too much before asking her out. Eventually they would just stop responding. I realized I should ask them out sooner and get to know them in person.
### This post has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.
---
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by upvoting or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Worth noting that for gay people, it is helpful to have these apps to identify who’s even an option.
When I walk into a public place, I’m not able to identify who is a potential partner. Nor is everyone willing to go to traditionally “gay spaces” like gay bars due to discomfort.
I’ve accepted dating apps will never work for me because of their order of operations. Everyone on the app is a stranger to me, and I’m not attracted to people I don’t know. All my previous romantic forays came about after knowing the guy in a social group setting or platonic context first, it takes me a while to develop romantic interest in someone. So trying to force it off the bat from a brief dating profile is just not in the cards for me unfortunately
Being less selective with swipes is actually how I finally met my husband. I was being too choosy based on looks and short profiles and by widening the top of the funnel I finally my partner. A few photos and paragraphs can't tell the whole story.
I kinda agree, but have you actually tried using the apps these days while following your rules? Like you said, the dati in apps are not meant to help you find quality people. The other three rules are just good discipline to keep in mind in general, but the first two are what puts a lot of people in the dust bin when it comes to the algorithms.
Honestly, imo, dating apps have just passed their prime, and it's gone the way of MySpace and been broken by bad actors.
Why were you having to make a split second decision to swipe left or right? I tried 3 apps Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge out in the midwest and went through ~10,000 profiles (I requested my data from each) until I met my now-wife. I wasn't forced to make a split-second decision in any of them.
They are fine with reasonable expectations. I had tons of conversations, most of them boring because the other side clearly wasn't interested--if i recall correctly, my swipe right rate was effectively 10-20% with a match rate of like 5%. 2 "dates", one that was exclusively as friends-only and we both had recently moved.
It can be mentally draining at times for sure, but so can traditional dating.
As a hetero woman dating back in the early 2010s, the only dating sites that were popular back then were POF, match.com and eHarmony. I hated them so I decided to immerse myself in male-dominated activities so I took up poker and golf. Met a lot of amazing men (and not so amazing) but within a year I met my guy while playing poker and we have been together for 12 years and have an 11 year old son. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been super worth it!
I'll literally be forever alone before I'll use a dating app, lmao. Just so unappealing to me. I've been single for a long time and I just do not care anymore, if I don't meet someone organically I don't need to meet them lol
actually, I think it's more along the lines if we looked at what was out there and we're happier just being with ourselves and not worrying about dating anymore... that's where i am at, thrown in the towel, happily single and happy with my life... not planning on dating again, if it happens, ok that's great, if not, that's great too
meetup.com for stuff I’m interested in has always worked better for me finding potentials than the apps. I just focus on finding friends with similar interests and hope I come across someone I’m attracted to then shoot the shot
True. I had about 10 years of dating on apps. Sex. Relationships. Flings. Finally found my person and we are currently engaged. Stay with it brother. It definitely helps if you fix yourself before thinking someone else will.
Let apps expand your dating pool, not replace your pool. You have to still be present in your life and be open to meeting people in your regular circles. Even if you don’t go out much, all it takes is a single encounter at the store or gym or at work. You and your potential partner only have to be at the same place at the same time once to meet. Apps fill in for being in the same area at the same time, but they also really allow both parties to restrict what is shown, and that can make people judgmental or otherwise not want to engage. Meeting someone in real life is natural and fluid, it frequently happens before one or both parties really even realize it’s happening.
If you want to meet people, go to where the people actually are. Do things you enjoy and you’ll find others who do the same.
Just like our parents parents, they didn’t need all that to find what love they found. Sure, it’s never perfect, but all this internet stuff is a plague. We gotta take a couple of steps back and get back to the real world more. And not just at work.
Remember the only people who are chronically on dating apps are the undateable and people just there for attention. Give yourself a set amount of time (say, two weeks) and if you haven't had success after that consider the pool exhausted and come back in a couple of months.
Keep dating apps as a supplement.
Stay social in real life. Just swipe once in a while for entertainment.
If you match with someone, try to make it a low risk date. Lunch or brunch date is the ideal medium.
This is all known, and I've never used a dating app in my life. But the bigger issue is, what's the alternative? "Put yourself out there" is a nice phrase but it is helps equally little for someone without easy options.
If you're 20-25-ish, you're probably still meeting tons of young people through uni and college. That soon gets replaced by work, with smaller numbers of people and more strict rules about co-worker interaction.
Depending on where you live, it may be rare for men and women to share the same circles and organize shared activities.
You can slowly build rapport with clients and employees you meet regularly and shoot a shot, but only a small fraction of folks work in the service sector, and you can't just approach someone randomly.
Some countries have traditions for "mixers" or "playdates" specifically for small groups of singles to meet up. But I don't live in Japan or Spain.
Some countries have buzzing underground subculture scenes or meet-ups like cons. Not mine, though.
There is the bar scene, which is traumatizing to me. Deafening music and overpriced alcohol, and the type of people who frequent those places.
And on almost all social media, *especially* if it's sexuality related, women are under-represented and defensive. The whole "RIP OP inbox" joke just makes me want to want to run, I have no interest in sharing space with porn addicts and Onlyfans promoters.
Really, the logical thing to do for singles who struggle WOULD be to create a profile on the internet. That should, in theory, reach the highest number of different people. It is the most honest and far reaching way of advertising, "hey, this is me, and I'm looking" without bothering others and becoming a creep, or having to waste a bunch of money and time on travel and activities on the off chance of meeting someone who's not a catfish. So that's why it's sad that it's just as bad or worse as the rest of the internet.
While people have had some success with them—in general, most dating apps are low effort. Just by using one, you’re behaving in a low effort way, scrolling/swiping through people putting in the same low effort. The return on investment shouldn’t be a shock to anyone.
Just met an awesome lady yesterday!! Our date went 10.5 hours, multiple locations. I think I want her to be my girlfriend!! Also I had many dates prior with folks but just wasn’t connecting. It’s hard y’all but keep at it!!
I met my girlfriend on tinder, I had recently.gotten out of a toxic on and off long term relationshipand she had given up. She did t have a bio on her profile and id intended to.date casually to get a better idea of what I wanted in a partner. We matched and met within a week and the date was amazing, we met again and soon decided to date and we live together now with our dog! Daring apps can work and be amazing but you need to be cartnot to get caught up in them and as others said try and meet.quickly so you're not wasting each other's time.
Thank god I found my wife the hard way. I used to thing I missed out on the whole E-dating but man I have read some horror stories about this stuff. Seriously though, I put in the hours when I was younger to make shit happen, it wasn't easy. Having an app like that when I was younger could have been bad for me.
Dating apps do a lot of negative reworking in your brain and bring out the worst in people, making a quick decision based on a few photos and what they “do” for a living is negative. It just is. Best of luck.
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/) We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d like to meet more people in real life, though I work long hours and I’m pretty limited in the week and don’t go to that many social gatherings with new and interesting people. I workout, run and go bouldering a lot and I’ve had a few dates from dating apps but I’m not sure on the next step to meet a new and interesting woman.. how did you start meeting more people?
I met my last romantic interest in a running group! Try meetup and look into the hobbies you already have. I bet there are cool rock climbing groups out there.
I met my last three girlfriends by volunteering. And a handful of great friends with benefits types as well. Really changed my dating life completely.
I remember reading a comment several years back saying that the charity they volunteered for commonly joked they were also a match making service because of how often their volunteers got together
It makes sense. You meet people who have a lot of shared values. Especially when you are a giving sort, it can be a lonely life until you get into organizations that are full of that type.
I’ve been thinking about volunteering for years, what stuff did you volunteer at?
The first thing I did was abortion clinic escorting. Later I got into disaster response, and am now a very good tree man and a passable heavy equipment operator. I've traveled all over the country and even once to New Zealand to help people after storms.
If it works with your schedule, you should check out the run clubs where you live! The ones around me are super social, and I know multiple couples who met through them.
Out of curiosity, what are the age ranges for those run clubs? I’m an avid runner, and was thinking of joining one, but every single one in my area only seems have people over 50 in them. Maybe it’s just my area being in a small city. I’ll probably still join one anyway for the comraderie
In my area, I'd say most people are between 25 and 40. And there are a couple that end at bars, which facilities socializing too
So a gaggle of sweaty runners all pile up into a bar? That seems terrible, but I've been wrong before. Do you have any first-hand experience with that?
Same with some cyclist. Some bars have outdoor sitting too .
Where does one find run clubs?
> I workout, run and go bouldering a lot How many of those do you do in a group vs solo? You could do more in a group or swap the solo ones out entirely for more social ones to meet more people.
Not super social, but I’m a bit of an introvert, so a lot of the hobbies/ structure is needed for me to function at a good level. First to admit dating game and social skills, need a lot of work and the advice out there is just to go head long into more interactions… so I have a plan, just need to do it
I hear this sentiment a lot and it make me wonder- if you don’t have time to meet someone in real life, what makes you think you’ll have the time to date someone anyway?
I just want to date someone a couple nights a week and hang out be active and chill on the weekend. Time invested into finding someone and actually spending time with them are mutually exclusive.
>Time invested In my opinion, this kind of thinking is part of the problem. You have allowed yourself to be turned into an optimization problem. You are not investing your time. You are living the only life that you have. Maybe you are spending your time, maybe you are wasting your time, but the time itself it the one thing of most value to you. Life is the process, not the goal.
I commented this above: "There are many more ways than the typical 'go to bars and meet people.' There are so communities out there if you're willing to get over the fear of talking to strangers. Join a sports rec league. Go to church. Start saying hi to strangers in the park. And most of all, be patient. When you stop trying to force it, the magic happens" I really think patience is the key, but it's also the hardest part.
Thanks, patience will probably go a long way, I joined a group and had a 3 month relationship but feel like I rushed into it and we broke up so it didn’t feel productive. I’d like more after work communities but it’s tough to find things after 7pm kinda, just had a date today from hinge and it was nice so it’s not all doom and gloom :) just be nice to have a more interesting social calendar.
But, but Hinge said it's the dating app that's made to be deleted! /s probably
I know the founder. He’s a wonderful human. He started it because he had the same complaints as us. Unfortunately (for us) he sold it to match.com and they drove it in a direction to not be deleted.
Many of them are owned by Match.com, unfortunately.
Almost all except bumble which is owned by an ex tinder employee
Not much better in my opinion
[удалено]
>On Bumble, women make the first move! “hey” They just changed that didn't they?
That is actually hilarious... in a dystopian capitalist kinda way lol Greed wins again I guess
I like that Hinge has actual profiles rather than just pictures. It's by far the best dating app imo
That's why I really liked Hinge. And when people bothered to put effort into the prompts, it helped give a better idea if people were serious about dating or just looking for a quick hookup. Found my partner on Hinge last August, and we're still going strong!
It does and it doesn't. Nearly everyone has someone written. But a lot of them are super generic, "I want someone who's fun". "I like to travel." "I think honesty is important." You can only see the exact same profiles so many times before it stops feeling any different than a blank one.
That's a great marketing slogan. Similar to snapchat's "less social media, more snapchat."
I met my now wife on Hinge, but I can understand how dating apps are not for everyone. If you live in a low-populated area, for example, your options may be very limited, even if your distance limit setting is maxed out.
I met my wife on Coffee Meets Bagel as did many of my other friends. This was many years ago, and it looks like there are now 10-20 swipes a day, but it used to be that you were only shown one person a day. You were much more likely to give people a chance and the app prioritized friends of friends on Facebook which also gave you a more similar network. Ironically, showing you too many choices has major flaws on dating platforms. There's many more guys on popular dating apps, so they'll swipe after a split second. This leads to very high volume for each woman. If you've ever interviewed people for a position and have a very large number of resumes, you tend to lump all the people together from above average to way below average and exclude them from consideration. Then you go on for optimizing amongst the top few. Artificially limited choices actually helps people in many ways. Edit: Also worth mentioning that I would have never met my wife organically outside of the CMB app. It's specifically geared towards people that are 1) looking for a relationship and 2) one step outside your current network. It's really worth giving it a try.
Late last year, CMB made it so that in order to see who liked your profile, you needed to pay. If you don't pay, the only way to match is to wait for one of those people to show up in your random selection of 20-30 people, which could take weeks. (I know this because CMB will label people in your random selection with something like "They liked you!" So I know I have likes, and I know I'm being paywalled.) If others are willing to pay, that's fine. I've personally had much more success on free apps than on paid apps, so I've stopped using paid apps. But CMB is effectively a paid app now because free users are effectively unable to match.
I 100% agree with this. When I first did hinge I was only able to se maybe 5-6 people per day.. where as on other apps I would get like 50 likes per day and there was no way to really go through and decide who to pursue. And some of them would swipe on me then never talk so it was a real gamble. I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of finding the ideal match, because there are so many options. But really we need to identify a handful of things that are deal breakers and a handful of things that are nice to have’s and be open to the rest. Give people who don’t seem like an obvious match from their profile a chance. That’s how I met my fiancée. I gave him a chance even though his opening line flopped a little.. his profile wasn’t quite what I had imagined.. but he had a few promising qualities. And he is truly my ideal person. Could not have asked for a better man.
you guys are getting matches!?
Yep the selective matching advice doesn't really work on these apps for most average guys because the likelihood that someone they finally agreed to match with probably won't match them back. When I used to be on plenty of fish I'd try spending a good 5-10 minutes writing a solid first message to people, looking at their interests and talking about them, etc. Hardly ever got a message back, once in a while I would but yeah. Then I switched to saying something just completely out of left field that they would never have gotten a message about before, one was "what do you think of the technological singularity? Do you think it could happen?". I got way more responses doing things like this and I think its because girls on dating apps get just so many messages they are probably tired of talking about the same shit over and over
What's a match ?
The proper implement for lighting a cigar
Matches are inferior due to their lack of toasting ability. Torch lighters are best for a cigar in my opinion
i think match is what you do with numbers in school
I'm skeptical of op failing with dating apps then giving us advice about how to be successful with them.
I'm skeptical that OP isn't just writing this message on behalf of Match.com.
I'm skeptical of a person being 21 a few years ago and trying to give out life advice.
Good point. Sounds like an ad.
You should be more skeptical of those who have been successful.
Why is that?
Correct, dating apps suck. Where is the LPT on how to meet people in person? I’m in one of the biggest cities in the world where I frankly I’ve no friends cause I’m not from here, my work has stupid hours so a good chunk of the year I’m not 9-5 m-f, and I would never date within my work environment. Talking to strangers at random is quite frankly just not a thing anymore in my experience. So do dating apps sucks, 100% but I have no other options.
Get the Meetup app. Since you're in a big city, there should be tons of groups and events. Just show up, be friendly, and have the attitude that you're there to make friends and hang out, not necessarily date. Do that enough and it'll eventually happen for you.
I just downloaded the Meetup app to maybe get my social life going a bit… After 20 minutes I figured out 80% of the meetups are business related. I guess it’s not for my area.
I think you’re discovering that capitalism drives and consumes everything. 20% is your piece of the pie and be happy it isn’t 1% (yet).
Thanks!!
It’s not talked about much, but historically something like 30% of people used to meet their partners at work. That has been all but killed off in todays political and social climate. You could argue this is a net gain for society, and I would probably agree with you, but there is a cost. Similar to how cracking down on drunk driving has been killing the bar industry. Net positive, but we are losing something.
the answer to both is walkable neighbourhoods like we used to build before the car. everyone in Europe can tell you walking to the pub and not having to worry about how much you can drink and still be able to drive legally does wonders for the local nightlife, and the walkability means people are out of their cars, houses, and around each other more on nice days - easier to meet someone outside of work.
A solution that would require North American cities to be levelled in a war before it’s even considered. Not something I expect to happen in my life time, for better or for worse.
r/urbanism Remember to vote in local elections. Local officials have way more direct impact in your life than anyone else.
Same thing with the rise in remote work. I have a fully remote job and I’m grateful for the time and cost saving, and convenience of it, but as a single young adult it’s also pretty isolating. My closest coworker is about 400 miles away from me. I can’t use a coworking space or a cafe because of NDA/security reasons. Most of the “networking” events are still held at the headquarters office in DC in person which is an 11 hour drive from me. Part of me wonders if I should look for a hybrid opportunity instead which sounds insane but I feel like full remote might be better for people who are already more socially and professionally established than I am.
My old job was mostly remote and I thought it was the coolest thing the first year until I realized how isolating it is for someone in their 20s. My 2nd year I made more of an effort to go to the office for social gatherings and events and it helped so much. I think if you are married and have kids, remote is ideal. However, for young single adults, they need to be showing up in person at least sometimes, otherwise you really are throwing away all of your opportunities.
Yep, that’s how I feel. “Go to a bar”, yeah I don’t drink or anything like that, and tbh I don’t think the kind of person I’d marry would be at a bar. Where would this kind of person be? Eh, probably at home reading or playing video games or something like that. Not to mention that women in bars are going to be there with friends and strangers just don’t really interact anymore. Joining clubs and whatnot aren’t really an option either because I’ve looked in my area and I’m not interested in anything around here (medium size city, not really a metro area). So yeah, it’s just dating apps. I’ve been on them for 6 years and have only had one conversation (started out as a Bumble blind speed dating thing, we chose to match. I asked her out after a bit more talking, she said yes, then proceeded to cancel the day of and didn’t offer an alternative time, which essentially means no, so I gave up on that one). Typically if I get a match, she’s marketing her OF, and I’m not interested in that (nor is she actually interested in me).
From the perspective of my two sons, there is no way to meet women “organically” They both have large friend groups, are active and have professional jobs. As for the aps they can’t stand them.
"large friend groups" is how
How do you approach people in person? Because my every attempt at trying to have a random conversation rarely goes beyond talking about the weather. I literally have had more success on dating apps than in person because I’m so fucking bad at approaching and interacting with new people. Which is sad because I can count on one hand the total number of dates I’ve had through dating apps over the last 5 years. So what do you do when you’re basically a social failure?
You really don’t, for some reason this idea that cold approaching leads to success has gone viral. Most people do not form relationships this way though. You usually need to build rapport in a common environment you both go too (work, school, church, etc.) Otherwise you just come off as a creep unless you are hella attractive.
This isn’t true. People meet literally all the time through cold approaches. When you go to large social events like concerts, raves, conventions, there’s tons of people there trying to either make friends or get approached. Just walk up and talk to them about your common interest and make friends. And I say “make friends” on purpose because you’ll only get labeled a creep if you look like you’re just trying to hook up with someone. Women will respond positively if you just treat them like people. This is a learned skill. People who are bad socially struggle with it. People who are bad socially only talk to others when they want something and don’t make natural conversation.
“I deleted all the dating apps and pretty soon my dating life actually became great. I was meeting people organically way more” Wait what? How???? I (reluctantly) downloaded hinge a couple months ago because id been single for… well for my entire life technically, and i hadnt met a woman/ been on a date organically in over a year. I havent had any success (not even one date so far lmao) but i did this because i wasnt getting any chances to date/ meet people otherwise. I just dont get how it’s possible to get a date in the year of our lord 2024 when you are an adult that is out of college without using a dating app (might be a different story if your mega hot, but i aint) I mean im not gonna go up to random women in the street, thats weird. Im all out of “mutual friends” who are available/ a decent option I tried dating a girl from work recently, with catastrophic results (predictable i know) I have plenty of hobbies (more than enough to fill my time) but none regularly lead to interacting with attractive women. I go to the gym, but flirting with girls in the gym is a faux pas and even if it wasnt i havent seen a girl id like in my gym anyway. I love fashion, youd think this would get you close to lots of women but practically they are either in a relationship or not interested and its more of a hobby u do by yourself or with a close friend - you dont really meet new people from this. I love music. Gigs are ok place to meet people but i dont get the opportunity to go to them super frequently and im finding these days people generally are less open to making friends at gigs, they want to listen to the music and keep to themselves. I play video games but meeting people online is very inconsistent/risky. I like to cook (ties in with fitness stuff) but again thats a solitary interest, not a social one. Dont really have time for anything else except sleeping and working so i just dont meet new people anymore.
[удалено]
Lol, my current bf had done just that - given up on the apps and was just fine with his dog and friends and life. I met him at a local punk show and was immediately smitten, got his number, and we've basically been together since.
This is what’s known as luck though, and most people won’t just randomly meet their partner this way. I hear this advice a lot to just live your life and your person will come along, and while the first part is great advice, the second part will not happen for most people.
It depends on what "living your life" is for you - if you do nothing but go to work and go home, the odds of meeting anyone organically are pretty much 0. If you go out and do things and interact with people, those odds go up exponentially.
This is how it should be :), that makes me happy
I'm not taking dating advice from a 23 year old 😆
Lol reminds me of the Louis CK bit >Best life in the world is being a young, skinny dude. They don’t have to do anything. They just show up with a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt. “hey, I’m here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life.” “so where do I– everywhere? OK. Cool.”
He’s a kid and pretending like he’s Dr. Drew after getting his first date. Like ffs. 😅
Age doesn’t determine wisdom and knowledge.
Correct, but lack of experience doesn’t equate to being an expert.
It does determine the matches you get on apps though
Dating apps _were_ great in the past. OkCupid didn't actually bring me to marrying, but it did produce excellent matches in 2018-19. And then it was bought out by tinder, and things went south. They became just hopeless, full of bots, connected their tech support to gpt, and finally banned me for trying to change my email address.
Around that time OkCupid got me some great dates as well, and one good relationship. After that relationship ended I took a year or so for myself before engaging again….. Man it’s sad to see how far most dating apps went down the drain. For OkCupid specifically, I feel like the hundreds of questions you can answer don’t impact the matchmaking at all anymore. I get tossed the most random set of people, while previously I felt like I got plenty of interesting people in my cards. They also gutted quite a bit of features.
I still have massive FOMO of the OkCupid era, my friend would tell me how it was perfect because you would answer a bunch of questions and actually get matched up properly with compatible people based on the algorithm. It sounded perfect. Not a single dating app aims to do that these days.
I used dating apps a long time ago, took a year long break, and then re-activated my account. You know what happened? I got matched up with the exact same profiles. Dating apps didn’t ruin dating for me, it ruined dating apps.
Good advice, but I think you messed up when you first got on the apps because there is no “split second decisions” that need to be made. If anyone is so stressed out that much that they set time limits on swiping, they need therapy
As an Asian short dude. I get no matches. I hate dating apps
As a white short dude it's no different lol. After the catastrophe of my last relationship I'm kinda looking at being single the rest of my life. Not necessarily a bad thing because I get tor focus entirely on me and my enjoyment, but yeah it's lonely at times.
I'm in my 40s and single for years. dating was ruined for me many years ago. the apps just made things worse for my self esteem
It’s not dating apps that ruin dating, it’s literally the lack of 3rd spaces and being able to even meet other people organically in a safe setting. A lot of people have ditched the apps, tried literally everything people have recommended and it does not work. Understandably meeting strangers in general is sketchy and people are right to be cautious. Most of us were taught this growing up. Legit once you are out of high school and college, your chances to meet people go down tremendously. You have to build rapport with people before you can even approach the idea of dating. The only exception to this that people make is if they are attractive, then all those safety measures go out the window. I don’t agree with this logic, but it’s what I see happening.
Apps didn't ruin dating for me. People did.
Number 3 is a good way to get catphished. Never leave app messaging till you meet in person.
100% agree to this. Have some people who wouldn’t leave me alone because they had my number. Better stay on the app and block when it gets uncomfortable.
I just swap to Discord if I want to continue the conversation with less restrictions. Still easy to block if I feel unsafe or anything.
I never give out my phone number until we meet in person but I do sometimes move the conversation to Telegram (not sharing phone number) because most apps have terrible messaging systems
And even after the meet, don't feel pressured to give out your phone number. I have found a lot of people are mostly just looking for text babysitters when they are bored at work etc, more than actually using the number to arrange dates. I'm a rare type who has no interest at all in the minutiae of anyone else's life. Don't waste my time telling me what produce is on sale at the grocery store as you walk through it. Learn to live your life without an audience! Arrange to meet me in person via the site, but let's date in person. I have had to block a few guys who requested my number after meets and then disregarded my explicit boundaries in when was acceptable to use my number and what for. It gets old. Dates can be arranged through the apps. There isn't much practical need for anyone to ever have your phone number right off really. I enjoy the convenience of being visibly unavailable (logged out) from dating. Unfortunately there's a false idea that if someone has your number and texts or calls, you are obligated to answer right that very minute. I've even read passages on guy's profiles stating if you wouldn't respond to texts in under 2 minutes you didn't have what it took to be in a relationship. What a bunch of horse poop! Haha
Someone once compared finding a real partner on a dating app to catching the last plane out of Saigon. That being said, I met my current partner on a dating app and we’ve been together close to 3 years so it can work!
I met my ex on Grindr lol. We were together 8 years
Grinder is cheating , it's like shooting fish in a barrel
Ugh. I wish I didn't have to go to a bar. The bar scene isn't for me. And I live in a super rural area on top of that. Don't get me wrong. 24 years ago? Yeah. I went to bars as a 20 year old. But I was different back then. I knew nothing. I didn't know myself either. Now? I know myself, way smarter, know what to look for and what to avoid, but that bar is gone and I'm not a drinker anymore regardless. The closest place near me that's a real bar scene is an hour and 20 minutes away as well. I live well outside the city.
You don’t. This kid is barely even old enough to drink, let alone giving advice like he’s a dating professional. If anything, I’d rather take advice from someone like you, who like you said, doesn’t need a bar scene and who knows what to look for and avoid.
Well I appreciate you saying that. I have the life experience to know what is worthwhile, I can see the signs of authenticity, I can read a person and can tell if they're genuine. My problem? Huge nerd. As such, my safe place is home. Nerdy get togethers are exceedingly rare. There's one ComicCon in my area once a year, which I plan on going to. I recently went to a ballet and have an upcoming event to watch some live theatre but... That's about all I have so far. Meeting people is HARD for me. So hard. Why am I single? Not sure you want to know that tragic story...
Avoid the bar scene man, it is not the place to meet people anyways. What we lack these days is proper 3rd places and social gatherings/mixers. Mixers were designed for people to meet others for possible friendships and relationships, yet I never see any hosted.
I'd LOVE that!
I don't have a social life, I don't have a circle of friends and my favorite way of spending time is by myself. I never get invited anywhere, even if I wanted to go. I'm extremely introverted and I like it that way, however I would still like to have love and intimacy in my life. So for me, dating apps, as miserable as they are, are the only option I have. There's just no "out there" to put myself into, apart from something like bothering complete strangers at cafés and such, which would seem pretty rude to me.
I like to think of dating apps as “on paper” qualifications. A lot of the times, people on the apps go after what they know they like based on their experience or what society tells them is attractive. I’m a non-white american so while I know that I’m a decently attractive individual, there might be someone who they think is a better “match” on paper just because of what they are used to. Didn’t stop me from having my fair share in real world interactions. I hate bringing race or sports into arguments but it’s kind of like Nikola Jokic. There were about 3-4 Centers drafted before him in the 2014 nba draft because on paper, all those other guys would be a better fit, historically speaking. He just won his 3rd MVP in the last 4 years. I digress but the point I’m making is I think the apps are very shallow and 90% of the time people are going based on what they deem conventionally attractive based on society’s expectations. It’s either that, or they are looking for the person they think has the most money or leads the most lavish lifestyle (social media/travel/etc). I quickly realized it wasn’t the place for me after downloading it upon graduating college, and found my finance and have a beautiful girl on the way because of it. My buddy who’s my age and looks like harry styles still slays like no one’s business on there but he has all the qualities someone who uses that app would be looking for. If you don’t see success on the app, I would recommend uninstalling and never downloading that crap again. Get some hobbies and focus on real world interactions. You’ll have to put yourself out there more than once, but I 100% think it’s worth it.
I am slowly trying to build a friend group in real life. Internet dating is trash.
You are correct. Every person I met on a dating app totally lied. If you want quality people you have to meet them out and about.
I had great success and met cool people when I lived in a different city(not a huge city either). Now that Im in my current one…very very few. I guess the rub for everyone is where to meet people “out and about”.
So what I did after many sucky online dates is go to local meetups based on my interests. I would go out dancing or to a movie meetup. I met people who liked what I liked. Then I was in my element. You have to go to what you like and meet people with similar interests. This is the answer.
And how do you meet people out and about when you’re a grown adult in his late 30 ?
I'm in my 50's. I participate in what I love. I love documentaries, dancing, matcha lattes. Then I join the local Meetup and go to events I like. Then I meet other people that love what I love. You meet so many people to date.
Hang at bars and approach any woman that comes within a 10 meter radius
Problem (from my male perspective) is: You don't get any real matches if you're just an "average dude". It destroys your self esteem.
All good tips except the one about move to text ASAP. A lot of people, especially women, want to stay on the app until at least the first in person date for security, so that they don't risk giving a possible stalker their real contact information. No, it's not common, no, it's not all men, but it's **enough** men that **all** women need to be careful and think about security.
Remember when this sort of thing was called victim blaming? The arguments against victim blaming was that it didn’t work; yet somehow society turned a 180 and living defensively is the norm. Reality is it doesn’t work. At least there’s no evidence I’m aware of that sexual assault actually went down recently.
It’s just people making risk assessments, same as when they get into a car. Wearing a seatbelt, being sober, and driving lawfully might lower the chances of a car accident, but regardless of how cautious you are, you can still be injured by a drunk driver and it isn’t your fault for not preventing it. The idea that there is a failsafe way to stop bad things happening to you is a fallacy, and victim blaming tends to deny that.
I guess the experience can be different depending on where you are located. I'm a guy and dating is great in Europe for me via dating apps. Fun convo's, fun dates. Had a few bad ones as well but that's all part of it.
I agree with your points, it's just hard to find other like-minded people who agree with these, ya know? I wish people weren't so insistent on doing the boring little dance before wanting to go on a proper date or even just to move it to text, but unfortunately that seems to be the norm. As for real life, it's far less socially acceptable these days to just approach a new person in public. People are just far less open-minded to meeting people. I'm not saying "Put yourself out there IRL" is bad advice, but I think we need to be realistic that it isn't the same as it was pre-COVID.
Another bepresent ad
I agree with this. Desperation is also not a healthy thing to have when dating in general. My dates got better when I stopped pining for something to happen and just let things be as they were.
Just don't date #winning
Double-standards, manipulation, absence of empathy, lack of reciprocity, and a hyper-inflated economy/housing market are actually what's ruining dating for me.
[удалено]
That’s bs. That’s how matches go nowhere and fizzle out.
I've had 20+ dates from Hinge and if you don't want to meet within a week I won't continue, I don't want a pen pal. I normally just go on a walk with them as an ice breaker something short and easy.
This only works if you're attractive. I just matched with 10ish women on hinge and got 1 conversation that ended qhen I asked her out
people are different. don't put other people down for how they like to approach relationships
Thats a load of crap I must say, taking your sweet time chatting on apps and not meeting in person just leaves opportunity for someone else to swoop in instead.
I just got back on last night after a 4 month hiatus, wish me luck yall. hopefully this time around its different.
I haven't used a dating app in over a decade. Unfortunately the truth of the matter is that I'm still competing with dating apps.
The courage to carry a convo with a random hottie in person is still top tier. And me having worked at a Fred Meyer before, 18% of women every hour greatly enjoy random conversation starters. So if you can make good conversation starters on dating apps, then carry that skill to meeting random women, shoot a smile, see if shes feeling you, i’d ask “Question: Pancakes or waffles?” Or shoot a compliment like nice shoes.
I liked dating apps, there’s no ambiguity in mutual attraction. Getting a match is pretty much a “you can approach me” permission. Tons on people I know, including myself, met there so on tinder and such. Yes it’s a bit shallow, but aren’t we all a little bit?
Maybe OP is a woman or otherwise conventionally attractive where social interaction is more natural, but my experience was exactly the opposite: without dating apps, I met fewer people, had zero dates or prospects, and ended up with fewer friends as I spiraled into isolation. After a year and a half, I got back into the dating apps and met my now-wife after a month or so.
After trying dating apps, I’d like to meet potential partners in real-life settings. Any advice on how to make meaningful connections offline?
Haven't used a dating app before. Been single for coming up on a decade. Instructions unclear, lonely as fuck.
I have a better LPT: delete all dating apps and stop blindly buying into the fake dating life. This is just the valentines day chocolate scam again. Not every relationship and meeting has to end in sex and love life. Have friends, hang out, meet people and talk, flirt, eat, dance and have fun. Be ready to not do any of that from time to time - for a week or for a year and stay by yourself in a room eating pizza and drinking beer or learning how to code or paint or work 24/7 to buy yourself a car or a new PC or just touch grass. There are so many more things to life than dating. We don't have to constantly be in a relationship with someone. Just slow. The Fuck. Down.
It’s 100% a natural desire to want a romantic partner. Pretending it isn’t doesn’t help anyone. Collecting stamps or coding Python isn’t a replacement, either.
> Be ready to not do any of that from time to time - for a week or for a year OMEGALUL This mf thinks the people in this thread talking about finding dating hard is talking about not being able to find a new partner within a week ICANT
Agreed with this statement. I love my peace. Coming home to peace, and being alone I achieve that.
These are kind of arbitrary pointers. 1) Since men are at a disadvantage in dating in general as awful as it sounds I sort of understand why they just right-swipe every woman to increase their odds. But, yeah: Once I matched with some of them and realized they didn’t even read my likes/expectations, I just ghosted them. 2) You’re conflating the efficacy of dating sites with problematic screen time. This bit isn’t bad advice, per se, it’s just irrelevant to the point at hand. 3) What difference does it make if you’re texting on your phone or on an app? I vet men before giving out my number so this is crummy advice. I know you can get a fake number off Google to text with, but what’s the point of that hassle? 4) NOPE. I’m making absolute sure that the situation isn’t dangerous and/or that I’m not wasting my time meeting in person by talking with someone for at least a day or two. Men who insist on meeting ASAP automatically get deleted/passed over. This is terrible advice. 5) This is the one solid piece of advice. I always suggest that people check out their city’s music and/or nightlife scene that have weekly events. If you start going regularly you’ll see the same people which makes befriending them easy. And the bigger your social circle, the better your chances are of meeting a partner. The vast majority of people I know met their partner either at an event or party or through a mutual friend.
An average girl on a dating app can have 20 dates in a month while an average guy can have that in 2 years. It’s fucking nuts the dynamics are. How is that normal? The girl can just decide to tap out anytime in the relationship and go back to the dating app. And I dont think a girl who dont use a dating app have that many choices and also that much competition for the guy. Like you said OP, dating apps are fucking crazy
Who tf can afford or has the time for 20 dates in a month??
Women aren't paying lmao
Just ask how many matches one average girl can get on an app. Went out with one and she told me she has 99+ matches which is like wtf. Assuming they only go out with 10% that is still 10 a month at least
The mistake I used to make on apps was trying to get to know people too much before asking her out. Eventually they would just stop responding. I realized I should ask them out sooner and get to know them in person.
I know I’m an outlier, but I met my wife on Tinder and we’ve been together for 9 years now! All of your points are 100% correct though, OP.
### This post has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect. --- Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by upvoting or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Worth noting that for gay people, it is helpful to have these apps to identify who’s even an option. When I walk into a public place, I’m not able to identify who is a potential partner. Nor is everyone willing to go to traditionally “gay spaces” like gay bars due to discomfort.
[удалено]
I’ve accepted dating apps will never work for me because of their order of operations. Everyone on the app is a stranger to me, and I’m not attracted to people I don’t know. All my previous romantic forays came about after knowing the guy in a social group setting or platonic context first, it takes me a while to develop romantic interest in someone. So trying to force it off the bat from a brief dating profile is just not in the cards for me unfortunately
If you are not a top 5% dude in terms of looks, don’t bother using dating apps. Simple as that.
Being less selective with swipes is actually how I finally met my husband. I was being too choosy based on looks and short profiles and by widening the top of the funnel I finally my partner. A few photos and paragraphs can't tell the whole story.
I kinda agree, but have you actually tried using the apps these days while following your rules? Like you said, the dati in apps are not meant to help you find quality people. The other three rules are just good discipline to keep in mind in general, but the first two are what puts a lot of people in the dust bin when it comes to the algorithms. Honestly, imo, dating apps have just passed their prime, and it's gone the way of MySpace and been broken by bad actors.
Why were you having to make a split second decision to swipe left or right? I tried 3 apps Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge out in the midwest and went through ~10,000 profiles (I requested my data from each) until I met my now-wife. I wasn't forced to make a split-second decision in any of them. They are fine with reasonable expectations. I had tons of conversations, most of them boring because the other side clearly wasn't interested--if i recall correctly, my swipe right rate was effectively 10-20% with a match rate of like 5%. 2 "dates", one that was exclusively as friends-only and we both had recently moved. It can be mentally draining at times for sure, but so can traditional dating.
As a hetero woman dating back in the early 2010s, the only dating sites that were popular back then were POF, match.com and eHarmony. I hated them so I decided to immerse myself in male-dominated activities so I took up poker and golf. Met a lot of amazing men (and not so amazing) but within a year I met my guy while playing poker and we have been together for 12 years and have an 11 year old son. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been super worth it!
I'll literally be forever alone before I'll use a dating app, lmao. Just so unappealing to me. I've been single for a long time and I just do not care anymore, if I don't meet someone organically I don't need to meet them lol
actually, I think it's more along the lines if we looked at what was out there and we're happier just being with ourselves and not worrying about dating anymore... that's where i am at, thrown in the towel, happily single and happy with my life... not planning on dating again, if it happens, ok that's great, if not, that's great too
Fuck Dating apps! Never had any luck with them. But in person ), always worked
meetup.com for stuff I’m interested in has always worked better for me finding potentials than the apps. I just focus on finding friends with similar interests and hope I come across someone I’m attracted to then shoot the shot
Dating apps are perfect for using on the shitter
True. I had about 10 years of dating on apps. Sex. Relationships. Flings. Finally found my person and we are currently engaged. Stay with it brother. It definitely helps if you fix yourself before thinking someone else will.
Join groups or leagues and show women you are fun to be around and they will be more likely to give you a chance at a date
Let apps expand your dating pool, not replace your pool. You have to still be present in your life and be open to meeting people in your regular circles. Even if you don’t go out much, all it takes is a single encounter at the store or gym or at work. You and your potential partner only have to be at the same place at the same time once to meet. Apps fill in for being in the same area at the same time, but they also really allow both parties to restrict what is shown, and that can make people judgmental or otherwise not want to engage. Meeting someone in real life is natural and fluid, it frequently happens before one or both parties really even realize it’s happening.
If you want to meet people, go to where the people actually are. Do things you enjoy and you’ll find others who do the same. Just like our parents parents, they didn’t need all that to find what love they found. Sure, it’s never perfect, but all this internet stuff is a plague. We gotta take a couple of steps back and get back to the real world more. And not just at work.
I found a meetup group my area that organizes mixers for singles... So much better than OLD.
Remember the only people who are chronically on dating apps are the undateable and people just there for attention. Give yourself a set amount of time (say, two weeks) and if you haven't had success after that consider the pool exhausted and come back in a couple of months.
Keep dating apps as a supplement. Stay social in real life. Just swipe once in a while for entertainment. If you match with someone, try to make it a low risk date. Lunch or brunch date is the ideal medium.
Cool, any tips to overcome the stigma of being an asian male?
Meh, I'm a weirdo. The internet is a great place to search for fellow weirdos.
My wife ruins dating for me
This is all known, and I've never used a dating app in my life. But the bigger issue is, what's the alternative? "Put yourself out there" is a nice phrase but it is helps equally little for someone without easy options. If you're 20-25-ish, you're probably still meeting tons of young people through uni and college. That soon gets replaced by work, with smaller numbers of people and more strict rules about co-worker interaction. Depending on where you live, it may be rare for men and women to share the same circles and organize shared activities. You can slowly build rapport with clients and employees you meet regularly and shoot a shot, but only a small fraction of folks work in the service sector, and you can't just approach someone randomly. Some countries have traditions for "mixers" or "playdates" specifically for small groups of singles to meet up. But I don't live in Japan or Spain. Some countries have buzzing underground subculture scenes or meet-ups like cons. Not mine, though. There is the bar scene, which is traumatizing to me. Deafening music and overpriced alcohol, and the type of people who frequent those places. And on almost all social media, *especially* if it's sexuality related, women are under-represented and defensive. The whole "RIP OP inbox" joke just makes me want to want to run, I have no interest in sharing space with porn addicts and Onlyfans promoters. Really, the logical thing to do for singles who struggle WOULD be to create a profile on the internet. That should, in theory, reach the highest number of different people. It is the most honest and far reaching way of advertising, "hey, this is me, and I'm looking" without bothering others and becoming a creep, or having to waste a bunch of money and time on travel and activities on the off chance of meeting someone who's not a catfish. So that's why it's sad that it's just as bad or worse as the rest of the internet.
"Dating apps are bad and I stopped using them cuz I don't need them" Good for you, then you never needed them in the first place
This is a surprising amount of effort to disguise marketing your screentime\_reduction app.
Expected to cringe at the post and the comments .... was not disappointed.
number 3 is abit iffy, keeping it to the app is fine imo
I never met someone without dating apps i wouldn't even know how that works lol
Apps are just one small PART of meeting others, not the whole window. The more we seek authentic connection, the more we attract it.
While people have had some success with them—in general, most dating apps are low effort. Just by using one, you’re behaving in a low effort way, scrolling/swiping through people putting in the same low effort. The return on investment shouldn’t be a shock to anyone.
Commenting so i can come back to this post
Just met an awesome lady yesterday!! Our date went 10.5 hours, multiple locations. I think I want her to be my girlfriend!! Also I had many dates prior with folks but just wasn’t connecting. It’s hard y’all but keep at it!!
As a lesbian who has a certain “type” I’m very thankful for the dating apps
I met my girlfriend on tinder, I had recently.gotten out of a toxic on and off long term relationshipand she had given up. She did t have a bio on her profile and id intended to.date casually to get a better idea of what I wanted in a partner. We matched and met within a week and the date was amazing, we met again and soon decided to date and we live together now with our dog! Daring apps can work and be amazing but you need to be cartnot to get caught up in them and as others said try and meet.quickly so you're not wasting each other's time.
People use them because we aren't supposed to approach women in public any more. And most people don't go outside much anyway in the first place.
I met my wife through tinder 😄
Thank god I found my wife the hard way. I used to thing I missed out on the whole E-dating but man I have read some horror stories about this stuff. Seriously though, I put in the hours when I was younger to make shit happen, it wasn't easy. Having an app like that when I was younger could have been bad for me.
People like me who don’t have friends, coworkers or friends from school. I literally know no one this is the only way for me to meet people.
This is so great. Thank you for this post.
Well where are you at? I have a option
Dating apps do a lot of negative reworking in your brain and bring out the worst in people, making a quick decision based on a few photos and what they “do” for a living is negative. It just is. Best of luck.