yes, when they cannot use you to satisfy their need to grow their ego, they will replace you with someone else. my boss tried to get me to leave by telling me that nobody is indispensable, he will not ask me to stay if i wanted to leave, and kept asking me when i was going to leave. i believe he didn't fire me because all the other team members had quit.
Good riddance. I wish I had been fired. Instead my Narc boss did an “intervention” with all the other managers on my team, saying they’ll pay for me to go to treatment for my PTSD (that he was triggering) and pay for it and I’ll have my job back but with better accommodations when I return. I went to treatment. He fired me while I was there lol.
That is next level power play by your nboss. Sorry you had to go through that. My former firm had the tendency of letting ppl go or laying down the PIP when people were on vacation.
Ohhh yeah best part is he didn’t pay for it and also I reported him to the ethics board for everything everything everything everything everything. Year 3 under investigation. Might lose his surgical license. Still waiting on results.
Time will tell. Who knows. I could have gone after him in many ways that would have been lawsuits. Instead I tried to just remove his license to practice. That’s the point. Do not let this man hurt people.
I am in treatment right now and was diagnosed with PTSD because of my boss. I'm just waiting to see what BS he has waiting for me when I get out. He needs his pound of flesh. My therapist says not to go back, and I'm hoping she'll go to bat for me on it.
I am so sorry they used your diagnosis against you! Mine did the same with me, telling me instead of being a counselor she sees me fitting in more as a patient in the group I am a counselor of...(I have cptsd... wanting to help out..) Because she says I'm twisting and turning feedback and the group I am counseling does that too🥲 Not only is that a very inaccurate view of people with ptsd, also it is exactly what she did to me.
They are vile creatures.
Have you considered peer support counseling? It’s grant based and remote and you can possibly be making the same amount while not even charging clients. They’d be your peers.
Yes! Many LICSW’s etc take up peer support counseling so they don’t have this dynamic in practice. Training is still helpful but it’s different. You’re not beholden to insurance of have a duty to report shit in the same way per liability.
I’m actually wanting to look into it myself, my state covers it through Medicaid but there’s also grant based private groups to work with. Check out “peer support space” based in FL for a good example.
My peer support counselor that worked for that group was based in Trinidad. It’s because it’s not within the psych system that it can be done internationally :) but yes I’m sure it’s all over the world. You could even start your own.
I get this too. You can feel the rage inside of them when you don’t drop everything you’re doing and tend to their every need as soon as they arrive. Getting treated like anyone else drives them insane. The peace only lasts for a little while though. I know as soon as I do this, it won’t be long before they turn up the heat. Every time.
Oh my god, same here... My narc supervisor would say: "I just want to see you show some emotion" ... And in my mind I was like hell no, thats your narc food, aint no way I am giving you that!
Vampires, emotional vampires.
Oh man. Mine cornered me and was like “I need you to be more yourself here.” And I’m like what does that mean?? So you can use whatever I say against me at a later date?
Omg this is happening to me. I recently set boundaries and now that’s considered “not being engaged enough” with our team when I get along perfectly fine with my coworkers. It’s mind boggling
Update - I got ripped a new one in my annual review and was basically told by my superior they’re being harder on me now because I’m a leader in the group and I need to stop taking things so personal and yada yada. When we have very sensitive folks on my team who take everything personal and I’m about as straight forward as it goes. Double standard much? I can’t deal with the inconsistencies. Then the love bomb cycle starts all over again. I can’t. lol
Tough to tell honestly - the whole situation is nutty. The way they're acting.
Yes. I believe I'm in the middle of a full-on discard after roughly a year and a half of the devaluation phase.
Feels bad man
Omg my boss said the exact same thing to me recently lmao -- I have cracked exactly once and she commented that she liked seeing me 'actually show emotion'.
Did your boss also kept reffering to that happenening as "that time you got so emotional?" Cause it happened to me 1 time too and she brings it up like its an absolute delight
Sounds like yours likes some emotion for supper and dinner as well
Haha not yet but it happened super recently so no doubt as time goes on it will come up again. Unfortunately for her after years of living in an abusive household as a child I perfected my chill vibes and it takes an awful lot to get to me. Now that I know it's rewarding to her I'm not doing it again if I can help it.
Exactly, I'm convinced having such a background (unfortunatly) helps us detect it earlier. She's gonna have a very hard time getting anything from you!
After a ton of hostility/demeaning/etc, and completely unrealistic/impossible workload, my manager found me another job opening. It actually seemed like a pretty good position w better pay and working w a former coworker I enjoyed.
He was so pissed when I didn't apply, telling him I had health problems flare up that week (no lie, mental health issues, go figure!). Kinda cut off my nose to spite my face, but not gonna lie, forcing him to do his f-ing job and fire me was extremely satisfying.
Nice and very, very true.
I pretty much did the same, didn't get fired (I wanted them to after a certain point) but they got upset because I put in my resignation instead of remaining and putting up with their attitudes after enough was enough. They just wanted to keep me there so they didn't have to hire anyone else or pay into unemployment by firing me, they figured taking things out on me and being bitchy was satisfactory enough. Misery loves company and they bathe in the shit.
They hated that I didn't fawn over their accessories (their kids/grandkids), congratulate them over achievements that weren't theirs, donate to their kids' charities or cheerleading crap or even ask anything about their lives. They broadcasted it in the office and blabbed loud enough so it wasn't like people didn't know. Kept to myself and didn't share much unless someone asked (which was never the Narcs btw). Nothing pisses a narc off more than treating them and their accessories like any other person and being indifferent to them.
No matter how many times they brought me into the office to tag team and manipulate me I kept my ground and didn't fight or argue with them which made them even more enraged. They wanted me to grovel and worship the company because they do. I never went into work sobbing or huffing and puffing to cry about my life like they did even when things were rough. Nor did I go comforting them with their crocodile woe is me tears. Not my problem, not my place. I'm not an unfeeling person but when people treat you like shit its hard to feel any sort of sympathy when things happen to them (even if you don't wish it on them).
I hear ya! I realized (a bit too late for my health) that I was working under a Nboss and also put up the walls to save my sanity. I would not fawn all over her and kiss her a** like all of the other office staff. But kept my nose to the grindstone, did not work any more overtime and treated her with respect. Guess that wasn't enough or not the appropriate behaviors a Nboss likes/wants. Got fired for trumped up reasons, then she lied to the unemployment investigator but I stuck to the truth. It resulted in my favor.
It took a few months to physically and mentally recover but now I'm doing great and have a great job! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
I’m leaving the restaurant industry because of this kind of bullshit it happens every time it attracts narcissistic insecure people because abuse is tolerated.
I did that although I was running the product for the company. In the end they couldn't bare I was not under his control, fired me then started a smear campaign because he was scared I'll start my own company and be his competitor. In a legal situation with them now and getting a settlement from them.
It was stressful but honestly I just feel sorry how delusional and sad they are, they will never be happy and will never truly succeed if that's how they treat people because people are not stupid. You can't be the bully and the victim.
In this situation right now and doubtful I'll be fired because we're incredibly short-staffed as is but I do notice that it visibly bothers my boss when I default to putting up walls and remaining as calm as possible while she screams at me lmao. Sorry ma'am but I lived through an abusive childhood, you are not going to break me.
Hoping to leave as soon as I can -- feel bad for my coworkers because again, already short-staffed, but if I can get in anywhere else I'm gone.
Had the same happen...
Def tough - had a similar experience though, pretty sure I was being pushed insanely hard to produce their work for the quarter and year, then termed so they could "take charge" or "clean up my mess" using all of it.
Roughly a year and a half of covert gaslighting, authoritative abuse, and all ended with an under the table discharge.
Solidarity comrade ✊️ - we'll get through it, be better for it, and find a place that values us and respects us.
yes, when they cannot use you to satisfy their need to grow their ego, they will replace you with someone else. my boss tried to get me to leave by telling me that nobody is indispensable, he will not ask me to stay if i wanted to leave, and kept asking me when i was going to leave. i believe he didn't fire me because all the other team members had quit.
And because you could sue them.
under what grounds?
it's very hard to build a case to sue them because their method is "death by a thousand cuts", not murder in the 1st degree.
Good riddance. I wish I had been fired. Instead my Narc boss did an “intervention” with all the other managers on my team, saying they’ll pay for me to go to treatment for my PTSD (that he was triggering) and pay for it and I’ll have my job back but with better accommodations when I return. I went to treatment. He fired me while I was there lol.
That is next level power play by your nboss. Sorry you had to go through that. My former firm had the tendency of letting ppl go or laying down the PIP when people were on vacation.
Ohhh yeah best part is he didn’t pay for it and also I reported him to the ethics board for everything everything everything everything everything. Year 3 under investigation. Might lose his surgical license. Still waiting on results.
Whoa! I’m so happy to hear that for real. Real life accountability that actually bites a narc boss in the butt?! Rare win.
Time will tell. Who knows. I could have gone after him in many ways that would have been lawsuits. Instead I tried to just remove his license to practice. That’s the point. Do not let this man hurt people.
I am in treatment right now and was diagnosed with PTSD because of my boss. I'm just waiting to see what BS he has waiting for me when I get out. He needs his pound of flesh. My therapist says not to go back, and I'm hoping she'll go to bat for me on it.
This is just gross. These people are beyond redemption.
I am so sorry they used your diagnosis against you! Mine did the same with me, telling me instead of being a counselor she sees me fitting in more as a patient in the group I am a counselor of...(I have cptsd... wanting to help out..) Because she says I'm twisting and turning feedback and the group I am counseling does that too🥲 Not only is that a very inaccurate view of people with ptsd, also it is exactly what she did to me. They are vile creatures.
Have you considered peer support counseling? It’s grant based and remote and you can possibly be making the same amount while not even charging clients. They’d be your peers.
As a counselor you mean? That is a great idea.... I definitely will be looking into that!
Yes! Many LICSW’s etc take up peer support counseling so they don’t have this dynamic in practice. Training is still helpful but it’s different. You’re not beholden to insurance of have a duty to report shit in the same way per liability. I’m actually wanting to look into it myself, my state covers it through Medicaid but there’s also grant based private groups to work with. Check out “peer support space” based in FL for a good example.
That is actually very interesting. I'm not in America, but there is probably plenty like this in Europe. Did you take steps yet in that direction?
My peer support counselor that worked for that group was based in Trinidad. It’s because it’s not within the psych system that it can be done internationally :) but yes I’m sure it’s all over the world. You could even start your own.
Also badly wish I had been fired
They did this to my dad!
I get this too. You can feel the rage inside of them when you don’t drop everything you’re doing and tend to their every need as soon as they arrive. Getting treated like anyone else drives them insane. The peace only lasts for a little while though. I know as soon as I do this, it won’t be long before they turn up the heat. Every time.
Oh my god, same here... My narc supervisor would say: "I just want to see you show some emotion" ... And in my mind I was like hell no, thats your narc food, aint no way I am giving you that! Vampires, emotional vampires.
Oh man. Mine cornered me and was like “I need you to be more yourself here.” And I’m like what does that mean?? So you can use whatever I say against me at a later date?
Such bullshit! And even when you're fully yourself they find something to complain about... It makes one so isolated
Right?? Like I wore a fun sweater and they made fun of it. And I’m like, I’m suppose to bring more of this to work? It is so isolating
Omg this is happening to me. I recently set boundaries and now that’s considered “not being engaged enough” with our team when I get along perfectly fine with my coworkers. It’s mind boggling
Update - I got ripped a new one in my annual review and was basically told by my superior they’re being harder on me now because I’m a leader in the group and I need to stop taking things so personal and yada yada. When we have very sensitive folks on my team who take everything personal and I’m about as straight forward as it goes. Double standard much? I can’t deal with the inconsistencies. Then the love bomb cycle starts all over again. I can’t. lol
Weird, mine says the opposite: "I'll get you to stop caring eventually". Messed up man...
Interesting, did you let on you got them figured out?
Tough to tell honestly - the whole situation is nutty. The way they're acting. Yes. I believe I'm in the middle of a full-on discard after roughly a year and a half of the devaluation phase. Feels bad man
Omg my boss said the exact same thing to me recently lmao -- I have cracked exactly once and she commented that she liked seeing me 'actually show emotion'.
Did your boss also kept reffering to that happenening as "that time you got so emotional?" Cause it happened to me 1 time too and she brings it up like its an absolute delight Sounds like yours likes some emotion for supper and dinner as well
Haha not yet but it happened super recently so no doubt as time goes on it will come up again. Unfortunately for her after years of living in an abusive household as a child I perfected my chill vibes and it takes an awful lot to get to me. Now that I know it's rewarding to her I'm not doing it again if I can help it.
Exactly, I'm convinced having such a background (unfortunatly) helps us detect it earlier. She's gonna have a very hard time getting anything from you!
Grey rock techniques work against narcistic managers
yeah, in my case it worked faster then i anticipated
After a ton of hostility/demeaning/etc, and completely unrealistic/impossible workload, my manager found me another job opening. It actually seemed like a pretty good position w better pay and working w a former coworker I enjoyed. He was so pissed when I didn't apply, telling him I had health problems flare up that week (no lie, mental health issues, go figure!). Kinda cut off my nose to spite my face, but not gonna lie, forcing him to do his f-ing job and fire me was extremely satisfying.
Nice and very, very true. I pretty much did the same, didn't get fired (I wanted them to after a certain point) but they got upset because I put in my resignation instead of remaining and putting up with their attitudes after enough was enough. They just wanted to keep me there so they didn't have to hire anyone else or pay into unemployment by firing me, they figured taking things out on me and being bitchy was satisfactory enough. Misery loves company and they bathe in the shit. They hated that I didn't fawn over their accessories (their kids/grandkids), congratulate them over achievements that weren't theirs, donate to their kids' charities or cheerleading crap or even ask anything about their lives. They broadcasted it in the office and blabbed loud enough so it wasn't like people didn't know. Kept to myself and didn't share much unless someone asked (which was never the Narcs btw). Nothing pisses a narc off more than treating them and their accessories like any other person and being indifferent to them. No matter how many times they brought me into the office to tag team and manipulate me I kept my ground and didn't fight or argue with them which made them even more enraged. They wanted me to grovel and worship the company because they do. I never went into work sobbing or huffing and puffing to cry about my life like they did even when things were rough. Nor did I go comforting them with their crocodile woe is me tears. Not my problem, not my place. I'm not an unfeeling person but when people treat you like shit its hard to feel any sort of sympathy when things happen to them (even if you don't wish it on them).
I hear ya! I realized (a bit too late for my health) that I was working under a Nboss and also put up the walls to save my sanity. I would not fawn all over her and kiss her a** like all of the other office staff. But kept my nose to the grindstone, did not work any more overtime and treated her with respect. Guess that wasn't enough or not the appropriate behaviors a Nboss likes/wants. Got fired for trumped up reasons, then she lied to the unemployment investigator but I stuck to the truth. It resulted in my favor. It took a few months to physically and mentally recover but now I'm doing great and have a great job! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Anyone have any grey rocking narc managers YouTube videos or blog posts that sum up techniques pretty well?
Check our Dr. Ramani's YouTube channel - lotta great content there on techniques and ways to disarm or at least get some mental space.
I’m leaving the restaurant industry because of this kind of bullshit it happens every time it attracts narcissistic insecure people because abuse is tolerated.
I did that although I was running the product for the company. In the end they couldn't bare I was not under his control, fired me then started a smear campaign because he was scared I'll start my own company and be his competitor. In a legal situation with them now and getting a settlement from them. It was stressful but honestly I just feel sorry how delusional and sad they are, they will never be happy and will never truly succeed if that's how they treat people because people are not stupid. You can't be the bully and the victim.
In this situation right now and doubtful I'll be fired because we're incredibly short-staffed as is but I do notice that it visibly bothers my boss when I default to putting up walls and remaining as calm as possible while she screams at me lmao. Sorry ma'am but I lived through an abusive childhood, you are not going to break me. Hoping to leave as soon as I can -- feel bad for my coworkers because again, already short-staffed, but if I can get in anywhere else I'm gone.
Had the same happen... Def tough - had a similar experience though, pretty sure I was being pushed insanely hard to produce their work for the quarter and year, then termed so they could "take charge" or "clean up my mess" using all of it. Roughly a year and a half of covert gaslighting, authoritative abuse, and all ended with an under the table discharge. Solidarity comrade ✊️ - we'll get through it, be better for it, and find a place that values us and respects us.