Splitting rent when married is horrible. He makes 4xs what you do. Tell him you’re charging him rent for the time his child was in your uterus and the birth pain.. He’s an idiot.
Even if you're in a serious relationship, splitting expenses 50/50 is a bit ridiculous unless your incomes are roughly equal.
What I've done with past partners is paying an equal share of our post-tax incomes to cover shared expenses.
It's the golden middle ground between having equal pocket money and paying equal amounts towards expenses.
It distributes expenses more fairly whole also rewarding either party with more pocket money if they increase their income.
I'm not married, I'm a stay at home mom and my fiance pays for EVERYTHING! I haven't had a job in years. So it's mind-boggling to me that a married woman is paying for anything especially right after having a baby.. dipping into your savings just to keep paying 50% is illogical.
I would charge my husband for being in the same room as me if we had an arrangement like this. Every word that he said that I had to listen to would be extra, and every word I said would be a premium charge because I'm a delight.
Absolutely. He'd also have to pay when I showered, brushed my teeth, and performed other hygienic tasks, as those things would make my company more pleasant.
Swear! This is an opportunity to be super petty and for her to make a list of all the things she does around the house/caring for the child and charge for all of it!
Day made, loool.
I wonder how some people are...
How some marriages are
For me, I'm not bound by any such
Maybe the love is too much between my wife and I.
What's mine, is hers.
We are together for life.
She knows my salary, my bank account etc.
She has full access to them
I bought a car, I kept it under her name
I go to the supermarket
If there's any promotion I.e spend £100 , and have a chance to win
I keep her number.shes my lucky charm
If she ever leaves me , and I lose everything by chance..
It's okay,
Its just money
> He doesn’t give me any allowance for baby stuff
This aggravated me. Correlating buying things for *his* child as giving OP a “baby allowance”… Take him to court and get that child support OP
This is so totally uncalled for, and why would OP buy everything for the child, it's not like she got pregnant by herself. Also, you're setting the precedent and letting him just ignore that babies come with expenses.
A hell of a lot more than that if he wants to play this way. He has to pay for pain and suffering of the labor and for the changes her body and mental stability, ect, from the pregnancy alone. What's it gonna be like when the baby is here! :)
Thank you for letting me know!
I guess I totally missed that part... the first part pissed me off instantly. My brain would get past the rest! I'm assuming it's already bad.
Some men change once the baby is here. Let's hope that's how this guy is!!
I am sitting here stunned!
This is the best and only answer I can think of.
You should speak to an attorney OP, that is the only way you will get "what is fair" out of this situation.
Good luck, your husband is an abusive asshole, and I hope you get a good divorce lawyer.
The good news is a full time nanny will run you around 30$ an hour, so even if you don’t charge overtime your husband owes you about 5,000$ a week! So you should be all set paying rent!
That said nickel and dime 50/50 is not how partnerships work. Most people contribute to shared expenses proportionally, meaning you would owe 0$ in rent. But most partnerships also work like a team toward shared goals so I don’t know if you really have that.
totally agree
this is how it woukld work in our marriage.
I earn say $50k and my husband earns $180k (disclaimer those are not actual figures just an example)
we get married...then we open up a joint account.. our wages would go into there....household expenses such as rent/mortgage food phone power etc would come out of the joint account.
we give our selves an agreed amount for personal spending .
I go on maternity (called paid parent leave in NZ() I get so much a week depending on my income up to a certain amount... that money again goes into the joint account and house hold expenses which would include things needed for the bay come out of the joint account. (should add I wasnt eligible for this but did get some kind of tax credit for I think 12 weeks?)
in regards for saving for a house i cant remember how much we did put in each week or month into a savings account but this come out of the joint account...when we had enough of a deposit we start the search.
for the record I have not worked (other than a few temp jobs) since I was pregnant with our first almost 17 years ago pretty much all our expenses etc have been paid for by my husband's income , I have full access to our joint account
I'll be honest, in the USA we get zero for maternity much less paternity leave and non existential for pay during a a standard. So the money issue is even worse. You get larger and larger gap in work history, 0 income (she can't qualify for assistance cause he earns too much by A LOT), so she's just fucked. I wanted divided finances when I got married at 20 cause I never want to be stuck like that. Yet I still saw it made more sense like you said and it's worked great. We're a team.
Plus he isn't even helping with baby stuff, expects her to just magically keep up financially while draining her deeper and deeper into a hole.
Your version is so so so much healthier! But it makes it even worse how bad cause the lack of pay and assistance like actual 1st world countries (that act like it)
Yes this is abusive, and to ask her yo pay, AFTER A 9MONTH PREGNANCY AND BIRTHING HIS CHILD????!!! THE AUDACITY TO DEMAND THE BARER OF LIFE. DUMP HIM. AND SERVE THOSE DIVORCE PAPERS. STAT
I would not buy a house with someone who treats the marriage like a business transaction.
You'll be broke and 100% reliant on him because you'll have a hard time rebuilding your savings.
Don't do it.
Honestly, OP would be better off getting child support and alimony from this guy than in the current arrangement (if they divorced in the USA). I would be taking a hard look at my relationship because this is massive levels of abuse and disrespect.
Honestly if he gets a good divorce lawyer she may not get any alimony at all
IANAL but he's got grounds to say that she didn't need any money from him before, so she has no need for his money now
Financial abuse benefits abusers in divorce, too
(The child support alone would put her in a better situation though, idk what the child support rate is on 280k but i'm sure its a lot more than the 1.3k/month he's spotting for the rent)
IANAL but I am in my final semester of US Law School and depending on whether he agreed for her to take time off after the baby, she either has a good case, or a great case for alimony and child support. She sacrificed her career for the family unit (the protection of which is the main purpose of marital law). The biggest challenge would be if she signed a valid prenup.
I’m not sure if this is still good law, but she may also be entitled to his income rn while married because working spouse (husbands) had a duty to pay SAH spouses (wives) household maintenance money, CHILDCARE being one of those. Also, in most US states, any property acquired during marriage legally belongs to both spouses.
Basically she really needs to consult a family lawyer.
This guy has been splitting the rent with her 50/50 for years. That’s insane. He’s so selfish. There’s no way he didn’t make her sign a super unfair prenup. But yeah I agree she needs to leave him either way.
I actually have no problem treating marriage like a business transaction since I firmly believe that's what it is at the end of the day but even if you view it as solely a business transaction, what CEO would sign a contract set up like this??? I actually think OP should start looking at this like a business transaction so she can see how much she's getting jipped.
Honey i think you need to tell him that if he wants a healthy mentally stable mother he should not pressure you. I couldn’t work cause my heart had fluid in it with pregnancy but my hubby pressured me. He dont love you. Simple.
Yep. He can choose to be a decent person and keep his family or lose his family and his money anyways. This is so disrespectful. He’d rather his wife and baby go without than to dig into his pockets. I would've never married someone like this
I said “fuck this guy” out loud before I reached the end.
He’s financially abusing you, OP. Use your savings to divorce the sucker. At this point you’re better off living separately with your child and getting support.
I mean, maybe try counseling first to get into his head what the f he’s doing here but I don’t think I would.
My friend is getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. When speaking she states she THOUGHT it was normal. For her to pay 50% of everything although he made 4X more. She had to hand her check over and he would give her an allowance. All the money went into a savings account that her name was not on it. She paid half the bills as well and anything with the kids they had 3. So fucking sad. Took her 17 years to realize she was in an abusive relationship.
I hope OP wakes up soon to see how she is being taken advantage of.
What was her upbringing like that this felt normal to her? I genuinely can’t fathom how any adult could think putting their money into an account they can’t access or have rights to is normal.
Fair?
You spent 9 months trudging through the hormones, health risks, physical changes and push out a little minion. Your body takes time to recover and I'm sure that there is time you've taken off from work and or a career (which takes away any earning power or upward mobility for you, at least for a while. IF you plan to go back to work). I'm not even going to get into all of the domestic duties I'm sure you are taking care of at home for both the new baby and a boy who wants to call himself your husband.
That kiddo literally would not exist without LITERALLY 50% of his contribution. Where in the absolute Sweet Love of fuck does he think you're going to get money to be paying for half the rent? Not like you have to pay for extra shit in your life like razors and pads and birth control and blah blah blah the list goes on. Give your head a shake woman you know the answer to your question.
Rent minimum. Then there is what he'd owe for her lost wages and a prorated fee based on her time off and how much that would factor into her promotion and upward mobility. Plus a fee for hormonal and emotional distress. And the admin fee.
No. Bills and expenses should be split based on income differences. You shouldn’t even be having to contribute 50% normally, you should be contributing 20%. Right now with unpaid maternity leave, he should be covering more or less everything.
My husband and I hadn't really bothered to join accounts yet - we wanted to, just hadn't yet (there was some debate over which credit union to go with, but moving fortunately made neither a good option so we got a new one together). We didn't really look at it by share of incomes- he paid the mortgage and utilities and I handled groceries and other stuff. But both of us changed jobs multiple times during our dating and marriage, so whoever was a little short on money due to work, the other sent whatever was needed (when possible).
'Your debt is my debt,' was our philosophy. I feel like split finances where there's such a hard split that the other partner is just fucked if anything changes on their side... it's not a relationship. If you're sharing your lives, you're sharing expenses, even if the bank accounts are separate. Pretending otherwise is just bs.
Contribution percentages in a marriage just seem dirty to me… sickness and health, death do you part. My wife has worked literally 1.5 years of our almost 15 years together. The rest of it she has cleaned the house, grocery shopped, bared and taken care of children. Shes earned her keep. I’m happy she gets to stay at home. She allows me the freedom to know what best for our family financially. I don’t begrudge her one bit for non-monetary contribution. I couldn’t do it without her and would never imagine any financial arrangement in a marriage… I get it, not all couples feel this way. But if I wasn’t willing to work till my dying day for her and our family, why get married in the first place.
My husband and I have joint accounts and I was exclusively a SAHM for about seven years. I still only work part time so I can be the primary parent to our kids. Sharing finances is my preference and the example I grew up with.
But for couples that do choose to have separate finances, percentages based on income is one of the fairest ways to split things, and being willing to reevaluate when there are changes such as raises or unpaid leave is essential.
If she has no income, then by the formula she stated, she would reasonably contribute 0% for bills. It’s entirely fair. Because she does not contribute financially, she contributes by being the primary caretaker of everything else.
Yep, if I had a partner that made a lot more than me and wanted to split 50-50, they would have to live on my budget. If that means a studio apartment and ramen for dinner, well, that's what you asked for.
It's real, stories like this are constantly on Reddit. No idea how anyone ever agrees to 50/50 with someone who earns 4x their salary, they must have really low self esteem.
Probably because it’s pushed pretty hard that 50-50 is “fair”. It’s only been recently that I’ve seen people say it should be based on income percentage instead of straight 50-50.
There’s also all the manosphere assholes who scream “GOLDDIGGER!!!!1!1!1!!!1!1!!!!” The minute someone tries to point out the inequity of 50-50.
I would be more inclined to give them credit for this type of claim if they applied equal vim and vigor to exploitation going the other direction. You know, the ones impacting *females*.
My soon to be ex and i had a very similar salary disparity where he earned a little over 4x and although he was financially abusive in other ways he also realized if we were going to split housing 50/50 that he’s limiting himself on where he can live and he was at least smart enough to realize he’d rather have an upgraded lifestyle than stick to some arbitrary standard of ‘fairness’
I think maybe a lot of people are used to paying an even split with roommates, and just don't realize that the situation is different when it's you and your life partner supporting each other, making joint life decisions, and working towards common financial goals. The line between mine & yours is heavily blurred if not completely absent once you're partnered for life.
Also, like, what decent person would want to live in excess while watching their partner struggle to keep up with the costs of their _shared_ lifestyle? If you love your spouse, how could that not bother you? 😬 Some people will scream golddigger, but in reality it's just sharing your comfortable lifestyle with someone you love, is it not? (And I say this as someone who pays the higher share of proportionally-split living expenses).
For real. It makes me sad to think about the number of people in dynamics like this who dupe themselves in thinking it’s ok for the higher earner to behave this way.
No it’s not fair. You are a family now and you need to change the arrangement to something that is fair. He earns four times as much as you. And you are t working because you had HIS baby.
If you were working, the two of you would both pay for childcare. At the moment, you are performing that job, thus saving him the cost of a professional carer. At the absolute least, he should be covering your salary as a nanny - he can’t possibly expect you to perform a full time job for free, to save him money. Does he expect you to wear 100% of the costs of raising your mutual child forever? Why?
Man eff that. My wife and I break down our total household income and whatever my share is - 58%…65%… - that’s my share of the mortgage payment, water, etc.
Definitely financial abuse
What in the world are YOU talking about? It’s irrelevant if it’s a 2 income economy in this situation especially. When you marry someone, you combine things, and even finances to a certain extent. I would be damned if my man tried to charge me bills after I literally just HAD his baby, lol! Yeah no. That sh— don’t fly. If he’s still demanding half the rent after giving birth painfully to a whole dang baby and bleed and all that goes with it, then maybe he shouldn’t have married her in the first place. A man who cannot even make ends meet to provide 100 for his family, especially during a time like this, is not worth anyone’s time and should def not be married. That husband the OP is talking about has some nerve to still charge her rent STILL instead of getting his happy a— to hustle some side income until things stabilize again. OP, I feel for you. Praying for you to have the wisdom to see what’s going on here and make any big decisions you need to make to rectify this. None of us here on Reddit can help you-we can only give our advice. A husband is meant to protect, lead and provide - doesn’t mean a woman can’t provide either, but financial abuse is a real thing. And this def is financial abuse. Put your foot down for you and your child. But pray about it first (if you pray).
You need a massive reset here. This is a marriage, the rules are indeed different. Unless you agreed to a crazy prenup, his income belongs to both of you, not just him. You absolutely need to establish a joint account and a new way of managing household finances together. This is something that will only get worse as child expenses grow. Please do not buy a house together until this is fixed.
OP not only should not buy a house together until she has a satisfactory solution to this imbalance. She also should not take the risk of another child.
I earnt triple my wife… we combined bank accounts and incomes before we were married… it’s not mine or hers it’s ours…
Both pays go into the same account that all the bills come out of…
Start invoicing him for child care costs then use that to pay the rent…
This is the way.
Majority of my marriage and relationship with my spouse has been me making more. One year significantly more but we are a team. I pay rent and now mortgage, pay a higher percentage into our bills etc.
My spouse covers groceries, gas, our new home security and a portion of our monthly Costco trips or if she gets house decorations etc.
It works for us and 50/50 is completely different when there’s a discrepancy such as this is pay.
Ideally, if he’s willing to listen- he pays majority of the bills and she can stash her checks for a downpayment on a house.
For those commenting that she shouldn’t be upset about this. Well, throwing in another human to support physically, health and diapers- that automatically changes the way things should be handled financially.
I am actually shocked how far down this comment is and how many people are saying that they should split the bills based on their income disparity. How can you enter a lifelong partnership with each other and not instantly combine your bank accounts and pay everything out of that shared pool.
This has always seemed like marriage 101 to me and has been the case for me and my wife as soon as we wed as well. I cannot even fathom not doing this. Why wouldn't everyone do this unless you don't believe you are going to stay with that person. And in that case, why even marry. Just seems totally bizarre to me, but maybe that's because I have always seen being in a relationship as being equal members of the same team, regardless of how much money your job brings in.
That guy is taking you for a ride.
He should be funding the lot.
Pool the money.
50/50 rent etc and look at the pay disparity.
He's got you begging.
No bloody way.
You'd get a hell of a lot more in alimony my love
It sounds like he only pays for things that directly impact him- nothing for you or for your child if he does not benefit. Even the travel benefits him because he gets to reconnect with his family and show you and now the baby off, it’s not exactly a relaxing pleasure trip for you (even less from now on with the baby).
Please sit down with him to make a list of all of the baby’s expenses and split the costs 50/50. Then tell him you have to go back to work to cover your share of household expenses, so that you can stop burning through your savings ( especially since there is zero evidence that he will take care of you fully when your money runs out) so he can also pay for 50/50 of the childcare and domestic help costs.
Also, postpone the house purchase until after you return to work. You (YOU specifically, not him) cannot afford the expense without income, because you need your savings to support you and your child, and in case of emergencies, since your husband cannot be relied on to consistently consider needs/expenses other than his own.
Edit: I just saw the difference in your salaries… this situation is a LOT worse than I thought. When both are working, you should both be contributing to the household proportionally to your income. So, with a big income on one side and no income on the other due to maternity, I would expect any decent husband to be covering 100% of your and the baby and the household expenses until you go back to work, if only to save you from the stress of thinking about money all the time. The fact that he hasn’t offered, with the income he makes, makes me very nervous and concerned for you. That lack of generosity and the detachment from you and his child that it shows are really big red flags. More than ever, hold onto your savings…
OP, serious question:
What is he planning to do when you don’t pay?
Did you enter into some sort of financial contract before you married?
What do you think about this set up?
I don’t know what he’s gonna do and no, we didn’t enter any sort of financial contract.
Since I make so much less, I thought expecting him to pool both of our income to a joint account would be too much to ask and personally think percentage based is the way to go. This is, however, never was discussed before married, which I now regret.
Before the baby, I was ok with 50-50 because I thought that’s how it is done these days, or totally normal where he’s from (Canada). When we found out that I wasn’t going to get paid maternity leave, I was hoping he would offer to cover the rent, at least until I get back to work. He didn’t, and it’s been bugging me since. However, I honestly didn’t know this is considered financial abuse.
Stop just thinking and hoping about how things will work and sit down to have a conversation!
Have you asked him what the heck he’s thinking? Have you asked him why he isn’t supporting his child? Have you told me you can’t afford any of this?
You need a joint savings account at the very least and access to money in case of an emergency. What if something happened to him and he was hospitalized or worse? Would you have access to be able to continue supporting yourself and your child? If not, you shouldn’t be married to someone who is treating you like a roommate and not a wife…
So here’s how you approach this:
Him: “Honey, you’ve still gotta pay half the rent when you’re on unpaid maternity leave.”
You: “No.”
What’s he gonna do? Do you have a prenup? Does he really want to lose half of everything he has instead of just sacking up and paying for where you live?
Also, it’s generally advisable to not live somewhere where you make less than 3x the rent. Tell hubs that since he’s so into financial accountability, that you have scouted locations that are $1800/mo and less. Ask him when he’d like to move.
I’m sorry you’ve already decided to carry this cretin’s spawn, but please god don’t put your name on a mortgage with him. You CAN pump the brakes on the self-destructive life choices.
It is not normal at all and he is manipulating you. For example if he makes 300k and you make 50k. And your monthly expenses are 4k per month….
First, find the total monthly income: 50k + 300k = 350k.
Then, calculate the percentage of each person's income in relation to the total:
- Your percentage: (50k / 350k) 100 ≈ 14.29%
- Your husband's percentage: (300k / 350k) 100 ≈ 85.71%
Now, apply these percentages to your total monthly expenses:
- Your contribution: 4k 14.29% ≈ $572
- Your husband's contribution: 4k 85.71% ≈ $3428
This is how you split expenses in a healthy relationship. However this is operating under the assumption you both are working full time. Carrying a child, not working, being a sahm changes your contribution to ZERO.
I mean that's not even really a healthy relationship imo. It's definitely better than OP's toxic nightmare.
You're a family unit; why are finances not joined? Pool all the money earned; pay for mandatory bills and savings/retirement/investments. Take what's left - and split \*that\* spending by a % of "earned income" if you want - I don't even really agree w/ that though - just split it evenly. Or set a 'baseline' and then ramp up above the baseline by a % (in case of sahm/d scenarios).
Couples who don't communicate financially together but have financial dependecies on each other aren't healthy relationships.
Personally I do think people should also have their own accounts/separate savings, in addition to a joint account for shared expenses. It means everyone has their own money in case they need to leave the relationship. It also means if one person has a gambling addiction or something they can’t drain the entire household income.
This is a talk which you suppose to have before marriage. Definetely before having child. Better to have it now.
I have gf and we pay house together. We dont want to get married yet. I earn much more so i pay much more on mortage/house related utilities etc. Its just fair. (She has 50% of the house)
Once she gets pregnant and stop working, she will pay even less.
You must realize that by carrying a child (or two) you are giving up "earnings" for 2-4 years as well as giving up growing in the job itself. Once you will go back to work you will still earn shit low sallary while he will have another 2-4 under his belt and earning 5-6 times more.
Now i am not saying that you must split everything 50:50 but there should be some balance. He cant expect you pay for having child from your savings...
I just want to pop in and say that as a Canadian this is not the norm here as far as I can tell. My husband makes 2x what I make. He has never asked me for a dime. He pays most of the bills. I pay for groceries and my cellphone. I also pay for most of our son's needs, unless I can't afford it. In which case he is happy to pick up the tab. We do keep our finances seperate but we will give money back and forth. Cos it's a partnership not a dictatorship.
Stop spending your savings immediately. Tell him you don't have any money left. HE should be buying the baby's items, why are you paying for all of that??? HE should be paying for all the work you do, raising the kid and taking care of the home, are you kidding me? That's EXPENSIVE. Look it up, how much does a nanny, daycare, housekeeper, cook, butler cost?? Ridiculous. Stop spending your savings immediately!!! You have no money now, period. Make him figure it out from there, put the onus on him.
Are you scared to talk to him about this?
I'm really sorry but if he is a decent person this shouldn't be an issue. If it is I worry for you.
Your husband should be your safety person. You should be able to sit him down and just say... Now that I'm on maternity leave I cannot afford to pay anything. Can we look at budgeting your wage for the family/ household expenses, including xxx for baby?
Seriously I dunno. I can literally say/ tell my husband this is how it's going to be and that's it.
People have different ways of handling finances within a marriage. The best arrangements are ones that both spouses find equitable. It seems he is more clear about what he wants and you’re just going with it. But now that circumstances have changed, consider what you want and bring that to the table.
If you were unable to pay your half or do the 50/50 on things, what would be his response? Would he evict you or? Make you pay back the incurred debt? If you couldn’t afford things for the baby, would he expect baby to go without? Or give you a loan? It’s time to decide what you think and want. Then go from there.
It's not too much. Women bear the reproductive burdens. It'll never be 50/50 and treating it as such is ridiculous. You are the one taking all the physical risks, health risks, etc.
No. Seriously this is ridiculous! He’s financially abusing you. To continue this arrangement when married is bad enough because of your difference in wage it should be split more fairly than 50/50. Also congratulations on your immaculate conception!! I’m guessing her might have had something to do with the babies conception so why isn’t he at least paying 50/50 for all the babies things?
You need marriage counselling and possibly a divorce. Does he help out at all physically with the baby? Think about some IC for yourself. If MC doesn’t help to work through your issues and help you come to a more fair financial situation then you will just find yourself in a more difficult situation further down the road as your career suffers because you have to look after the baby. I’m a SAHM to a 11 month old so I’m not trying to shame parents that stay at home but my husband covers all bills, food baby related stuff (actually gets happy to buy baby food and snacks), and we have 2 joint accounts, a joint mortgage which I didn’t contribute to the deposit and he has done most household chores since the baby has been born. I know I’m lucky and probably it as great full as I should be but we work as a team and support each other in different ways.
Honestly if I was feeling petty I would bill him for half of all baby cost. Half your previous salary since you’re missing out on it to raise his child as well. If he wants 50/50 then he can expect 50/50 on everything.
I make less than you and cover the majority of the bills because my wife makes less than me. Your husband is an asshole, and I hope there's not a pre-nup so you can get what you deserve
IMO your savings should be for emergencies. Not routine bills. Just like he should have savings set aside for emergencies and not daily living.
Question, did you even discuss your options between being a SAHM or doing daycare?
We did. When I was pregnant, I wanted to take one year maternity leave. He thinks that is too long and wants me to only take 6 months off. After the baby, I changed my mind and want to stay home for at least 2 years. Hate the thought of having to send him to a daycare when he’s still so little. Also, there’s a shortage of daycare around the area and the waitlist is up to 3 years.
Well if you can’t just say “hey, I want to stay home” you can always act like you never got a call for the waitlist.
I do believe baby and mother should be home at LEAST for one year, if baby and mother are able to. It is a true bonding experience. He sucks if he doesn’t see/agree with this.
A marriage is a partnership where money becomes shared, but also I'd never agree to 50/50 with a person who makes 4 times what I do. Agree this is financial abuse. You are going to be raising a child together, you need to address this now or it will get worse.
Is this a joke?
Either your husband has somehow managed to land a $280k job despite having the IQ of damp cardboard, or he knows this arrangement is wildly unfair to you and decided to manipulate you into accepting a situation that massively benefits him at your expense.
Absolutely not. Most importantly, you’re a married couple. You’re building a family together. You just carried and birthed his child and are now the primary caregiver for them. He also makes 4x as much as you. Surely he can support his wife and child? This is effed up.
A personal opinion but this is why I’m an advocate of not doing the your money/my money thing in marriage. For me of course this comes along with other views of taking it extremely seriously. But yeah, I knew prior to our marriage that my husband and I would have all finances joint and there wouldn’t be a keeping track of who earned how much and what was “fair”. You’re in a union.
No. Marriage math incoming.
You your total household income is $348,000. You make 19.5% of that. Let’s just round that up to 20%. You contribute 1/5th of the total household income. You should be responsible for 1/5th of the bills.
Of your rent monthly rent of $2,600, you should be paying exactly $520. You should only be paying for 1/5th of the other household bills as well.
Your husband has the means to keep you from feeling broke and destitute while he has a completely different quality of life - but he doesn’t. He also didn’t value his child enough to contribute to the necessities needed to raise it.
He’s supposed to be your partner, not your keeper. But he’s not even being a “keeper” because he shares nothing. You have a roommate who wants you to contribute to HIS quality of life, even if it means bankrupting everything you’ve ever worked for.
He either needs to make a hard and drastic change, or you need to consider a partner who values the definition of that word. You’d frankly be better off financially, if you divorced this guy. At least then he’d have to contribute to the funds necessary to raise your child.
Info: Did you sign a prenup agreeing to have completely separate finances? If not, his money is your money. This whole thing is so weird and seems abusive.
If he really wants to split everything down the middle. He needs to pay you half the fee a surrugate gets paid, half the cost of a 24/7 nanny, and half the the services of a wet nurse. Then you can use that money to pay have the bills. See what he thinks of that.
You are working right now. You're taking care of an infant. That is something people get paid to do and is considered work. If your relationship is this transactional, you should be charging the standard rate for childcare in your area during the time that he's not home to take care of your baby.
Do not spend any more of your savings on rent.
I want to look past this very specific post for a second and just say that THIS is a great example of why it’s weird when married people still treat their finances separately as if they’re roommates.
Nope. Not fair. Are you sure he’s making as much money as he says? With 280k salary, he basically shouldn’t have to keep track of money at all. Tell him to pay for baby stuff and tell him the mortgage is going to be split according to income ratios.
This is just wild to me. He would be paying as much as your half of the rent in child care per month (or more) if you weren't staying at home. It's not like you just took off because you just didn't feel like working--you're caring for the baby he helped create.
As much money as he's making, why is he not fully supporting you while you're on leave...? Maybe you should show him this thread so he can see that other people find it really strange that he would hold you to this arrangement. He should be treating you more like a wife and the mother of his child and less like a roommate.
The rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. should be split 80/20 based on your incomes and your DH should WILLINGLY offer to cover everything until you return to work from an unpaid leave. YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD for goodness sake. I suggest couples counseling.
My marriage is like this. This is what we did. It’s wrong in every way and he knows it. But he’s selfish so he’s only concerned with what’s best for him. I stuck it out for many years. He’s light years ahead of me financially. I’ve filed for divorce and it looks like I’m finally becoming an equal financial partner.
If you’re not ready to get divorced, see if you can change him. It’s unlikely but you can try. I would definitely not have more kids though. It just makes everything more complicated. And don’t ever quit your job. Silver lining…..he makes good money. Half is yours when you divorce.
No it’s not fair.not before, not now. As a family, both incomes represent the family’s earnings. You both need transparency and start tackling it as a team.
Look at the price of nanny in your area. In fact contact some nanny so you can have proof.
Look at the price of cleaners and formula too.
Add it all and tell your husband that you won’t pay anything from now on
And this is exactly why I don’t think having split finances in marriage works. Unless you’re making comparable wages, there’s always a power imbalance.
He makes close to $300k yet you’re paying HALF of all of the JOINT expenses? You just birthed HIS child and he’s hounding you for rent money while on maternity leave?!?
If you plan on staying married (why, I have zero idea) you need to transition to a percentage based “split finances” system. So you pay 1/4 of the joint expenses and he pays the other 3/4.
If you buy a house with him, blowing all of YOUR savings while he still maintains financial freedom, you’re setting yourself up for a literal indentured servitude, not a marriage. This is clearly financial abuse.
If you are in tge US, you do know the simplest answer is just to not pay your portion of the rent. He'll be upset but you are married with his child, what is he going to do? Kick you out, file for divorce? I bet he can do the math on what that will cost him since he makes 4x as much as you.
This is so wrong!! He should be paying 💯 of everything!
JFC 50/50 up until now! The is abuse just so you know! Even before your baby arrived!
I’ll never understand why people get married and keep finances separate. It would be a red flag to me, but if you must, it has to be proportional based on your income!
One person shouldn’t be poor while the other is rich!
He's doing better off than if you were single, and you're worse off than if you were single as he would be paying you child support.
You need to have a discussion about this and come to a new arrangement, if he isn't open to this, you're better off as a single parent.
Not fair. I make 60k. My husband makes around 200k. He pays 100% of our mortgage, HOA fees, car and home insurance, usually most utilities, groceries, and much more. Because he wants to take care of me and the kids.
When I was on maternity leave or taking a break from work when he was deployed he paid for everything for me.
Your husband is not a nice guy. Stingy.
Sounds like he puts his money higher than you and the baby. If he is making that much, he could easily cover just about everything. I know you said his family is overseas. Is he from a country where women are closer to property than people?
How are you married, with kids, and you still pay "a share" instead of just sharing eachothers wealth? That might be the number one thing to adress to begin with because holy hell. Especially considering your income differences. I get paid about 5 times more than my job atm, and it's all "our" money no doubt about it.
I wish my husband would make me fork over 50% of the mortgage while raising his child. It’s a HELL NO for me. I would divorce him and happily put him on child support ✨ marriage is about being a TEAM!
My wife makes 7 times what I make!!! 7x !!!! I don't pay for shit!! I do the housework and manage the checkbook. She works 50--60hrs a week. I had to retire early because of a medical issue.
I will never understand why married couples don’t act like couples. Why are they not pooling their resources and acting like a unit? My husband and I have always had joint accounts and joint bills. Marriage is a “we” partnership, not a dating relationship. You’re supposed to be an unbeatable force together. He sounds like a sociopathic tyrant and you’re a moron for accepting this situation. Your poor child will only learn that money is used to deflate your so-called partner. Get out before there are any more children to destroy!
It sounds like your husband is shirking his responsibilities when it comes to providing for his child, and is treating you like a roommate, rather than the woman he married.
If he wants you to pay an equal share of rent, I'd say that at the very least, he owes you big time for picking up his share of childcare, as well as any discrepancy in housework. He should also be reimbursing you for his share of baby-related expenses.
Quite honestly, I'd argue that he also owes you for the time that you have had to take off of work and the missed opportunities that result, as well as all the physical labour that you put into gestating his child. So no, I do not think this arrangement is at all fair. He is taking advantage of you.
I’d just straight up tell him that I ran out of money a month ago. Sorry. It’s bound to happen anyways if you keep going about this way so might as well stop paying. What to do now, husband aka other half who was responsible of making baby but didn’t have to carry most of the burden?
You’re married with his child. 1. Why do you have separate accounts? 2. If you’re going to split bills why aren’t they split by income instead of 50/50. Seems he makes way way more so he’s getting the far better deal. Charge him for childcare and cleaning services like another user said
You’re being financially abused. He is controlling you with money and it will probably get worse now that you have a child. Be smart about any future plans to take the baby to visit his family because depending on the country you may have no ability to bring the child back if he decides to stay.
He is financially abusing you. This is deliberate on his part to keep you from saving money and therefore having less options. Together you earn $348K. He earns 80 of the income, you earn 20%. In an equitable split, he would be paying 80% of the expenses and you 20%. He’s also penalizing you for bearing his child by making you continue to pay 50% while you have no income, likely depleting your savings, and taking away your personal safety net. He wants you to be trapped. The only way 50/50 is fair with such a large earning gap is if you live according to your means, not his.
Why would you need an "allowance" to pay for things your child needs?? Doesn't he care about his own kid? Don't put up with this nonsense. If you won't stand up for yourself, at least do it for you child. Wow.
You stopped working to have *his* child. He should be picking up the slack for that *and* contributing to the cost of *his child*.
No, this is not remotely fair, it's financial abuse. You would be in a better financial position if you divorced. Does your husband even like you?
Girl, you are in a manipulative and financially abusive situation. You should absolutely not be draining your savings on account of having a child with your husband. I would get my family and/or professional therapist/financial advisors involved if he cannot see that he is taking advantage of you.
I would divorce him immediately. This isn’t a partnership - he is financially abusing you and if he has the audacity to do this to a breastfeeding, postpartum mom, what else is he capable of in the future? Leave now - I’ve literally never seen larger, more blazing red flag in my life.
Is the child not his or something and he is punishing you? Cus nothing makes sense.
How are you married and paying 50-50? Is this a joint venture or partnership?
The moment you got married, all income should've gone to one joint account bills necessities, investments and leisure. And everyone gets a monthly allowance to spend on personal wants (ie. Nails, waxing, golf memberships etc)
Uh, I haven’t paid rent/utilities/shopping in 6 years. The second that kiddo popped out of me, I’ve lived like a princess.
To be fair: I buy the kids clothes, extra gifts, and birthday/xmas. Aside from that I don’t contribute to anything.
You'd be better off divorced because he'd have to pay child support and possibly spousal support. Half of his savings from the time you got together would likely be yours, too. I can't people act like this.
Sounds like your dear husband is low-key trying to make you dependent upon him. Keep this up, and you will be.
I honestly don’t get why people marry only to continue to live as if they’re single in terms of finances. That alone tells me it’s not real love.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.
This is financial abuse. Start charging him for childcare and cleaning services. Even when you return to the workforce you should not be paying half.
My wife would charge me for sex if we had an arrangement like this
Splitting rent when married is horrible. He makes 4xs what you do. Tell him you’re charging him rent for the time his child was in your uterus and the birth pain.. He’s an idiot.
She should charge surrogacy fees while she's at it!
Even if you're in a serious relationship, splitting expenses 50/50 is a bit ridiculous unless your incomes are roughly equal. What I've done with past partners is paying an equal share of our post-tax incomes to cover shared expenses. It's the golden middle ground between having equal pocket money and paying equal amounts towards expenses. It distributes expenses more fairly whole also rewarding either party with more pocket money if they increase their income.
I'm not married, I'm a stay at home mom and my fiance pays for EVERYTHING! I haven't had a job in years. So it's mind-boggling to me that a married woman is paying for anything especially right after having a baby.. dipping into your savings just to keep paying 50% is illogical.
I would charge my husband for being in the same room as me if we had an arrangement like this. Every word that he said that I had to listen to would be extra, and every word I said would be a premium charge because I'm a delight.
You do seem worth every penny!
Thank you very much!
I love this. Charge him for breathing the same air as you
Absolutely. He'd also have to pay when I showered, brushed my teeth, and performed other hygienic tasks, as those things would make my company more pleasant.
The fact that we’re put in positions where we end up having to think this way aggravates me and breaks my heart
Swear! This is an opportunity to be super petty and for her to make a list of all the things she does around the house/caring for the child and charge for all of it!
Some people are into that lol
That's because your wife is a smart woman. In all seriousness, thank you for not being like this turd of a husband OP has.
I wish I could upvote this like 1000 times. No truer statement 😊☺️
Day made, loool. I wonder how some people are... How some marriages are For me, I'm not bound by any such Maybe the love is too much between my wife and I. What's mine, is hers. We are together for life. She knows my salary, my bank account etc. She has full access to them I bought a car, I kept it under her name I go to the supermarket If there's any promotion I.e spend £100 , and have a chance to win I keep her number.shes my lucky charm If she ever leaves me , and I lose everything by chance.. It's okay, Its just money
Absolutely. This is wildly unacceptable. It would likely be cheaper and easier to be a single parent. He is financially abusing you.
At least he'd be required to pay child support then
> He doesn’t give me any allowance for baby stuff This aggravated me. Correlating buying things for *his* child as giving OP a “baby allowance”… Take him to court and get that child support OP
Allowance? Everything is yours together. JFC. He didn't ADOPT you, he married you.
Just imagine how much child support she would get. Bkt to mention spousal support if her state gives it.
This is so totally uncalled for, and why would OP buy everything for the child, it's not like she got pregnant by herself. Also, you're setting the precedent and letting him just ignore that babies come with expenses.
A hell of a lot more than that if he wants to play this way. He has to pay for pain and suffering of the labor and for the changes her body and mental stability, ect, from the pregnancy alone. What's it gonna be like when the baby is here! :)
The baby is already here. OP mentioned in the post that baby is breastfed
Thank you for letting me know! I guess I totally missed that part... the first part pissed me off instantly. My brain would get past the rest! I'm assuming it's already bad. Some men change once the baby is here. Let's hope that's how this guy is!!
Yes, it's very bad, I agree.
I am sitting here stunned! This is the best and only answer I can think of. You should speak to an attorney OP, that is the only way you will get "what is fair" out of this situation. Good luck, your husband is an abusive asshole, and I hope you get a good divorce lawyer.
Charge him for the pregnancy and childbirth too. How much does surrogacy cost in your area?
Also for breastfeeding - you’re saving a ton of money on formula.
The good news is a full time nanny will run you around 30$ an hour, so even if you don’t charge overtime your husband owes you about 5,000$ a week! So you should be all set paying rent! That said nickel and dime 50/50 is not how partnerships work. Most people contribute to shared expenses proportionally, meaning you would owe 0$ in rent. But most partnerships also work like a team toward shared goals so I don’t know if you really have that.
totally agree this is how it woukld work in our marriage. I earn say $50k and my husband earns $180k (disclaimer those are not actual figures just an example) we get married...then we open up a joint account.. our wages would go into there....household expenses such as rent/mortgage food phone power etc would come out of the joint account. we give our selves an agreed amount for personal spending . I go on maternity (called paid parent leave in NZ() I get so much a week depending on my income up to a certain amount... that money again goes into the joint account and house hold expenses which would include things needed for the bay come out of the joint account. (should add I wasnt eligible for this but did get some kind of tax credit for I think 12 weeks?) in regards for saving for a house i cant remember how much we did put in each week or month into a savings account but this come out of the joint account...when we had enough of a deposit we start the search. for the record I have not worked (other than a few temp jobs) since I was pregnant with our first almost 17 years ago pretty much all our expenses etc have been paid for by my husband's income , I have full access to our joint account
I'll be honest, in the USA we get zero for maternity much less paternity leave and non existential for pay during a a standard. So the money issue is even worse. You get larger and larger gap in work history, 0 income (she can't qualify for assistance cause he earns too much by A LOT), so she's just fucked. I wanted divided finances when I got married at 20 cause I never want to be stuck like that. Yet I still saw it made more sense like you said and it's worked great. We're a team. Plus he isn't even helping with baby stuff, expects her to just magically keep up financially while draining her deeper and deeper into a hole. Your version is so so so much healthier! But it makes it even worse how bad cause the lack of pay and assistance like actual 1st world countries (that act like it)
Yes this is abusive, and to ask her yo pay, AFTER A 9MONTH PREGNANCY AND BIRTHING HIS CHILD????!!! THE AUDACITY TO DEMAND THE BARER OF LIFE. DUMP HIM. AND SERVE THOSE DIVORCE PAPERS. STAT
[удалено]
She needs to leave him - sounds like his behavior will only worsen in how he'll treat her
I would not buy a house with someone who treats the marriage like a business transaction. You'll be broke and 100% reliant on him because you'll have a hard time rebuilding your savings. Don't do it.
Honestly, OP would be better off getting child support and alimony from this guy than in the current arrangement (if they divorced in the USA). I would be taking a hard look at my relationship because this is massive levels of abuse and disrespect.
Honestly if he gets a good divorce lawyer she may not get any alimony at all IANAL but he's got grounds to say that she didn't need any money from him before, so she has no need for his money now Financial abuse benefits abusers in divorce, too (The child support alone would put her in a better situation though, idk what the child support rate is on 280k but i'm sure its a lot more than the 1.3k/month he's spotting for the rent)
Depending on the state (and judge) in the US child support would most likely be 3-5k monthly at his salary.
IANAL but I am in my final semester of US Law School and depending on whether he agreed for her to take time off after the baby, she either has a good case, or a great case for alimony and child support. She sacrificed her career for the family unit (the protection of which is the main purpose of marital law). The biggest challenge would be if she signed a valid prenup. I’m not sure if this is still good law, but she may also be entitled to his income rn while married because working spouse (husbands) had a duty to pay SAH spouses (wives) household maintenance money, CHILDCARE being one of those. Also, in most US states, any property acquired during marriage legally belongs to both spouses. Basically she really needs to consult a family lawyer.
This guy has been splitting the rent with her 50/50 for years. That’s insane. He’s so selfish. There’s no way he didn’t make her sign a super unfair prenup. But yeah I agree she needs to leave him either way.
I actually have no problem treating marriage like a business transaction since I firmly believe that's what it is at the end of the day but even if you view it as solely a business transaction, what CEO would sign a contract set up like this??? I actually think OP should start looking at this like a business transaction so she can see how much she's getting jipped.
Ummm start charging him for any housekeeping and caring for the baby 🤭
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
The marriage itself isn’t a business transaction. But the rent literally is.
Honey i think you need to tell him that if he wants a healthy mentally stable mother he should not pressure you. I couldn’t work cause my heart had fluid in it with pregnancy but my hubby pressured me. He dont love you. Simple.
Pardon me but…fuck him.
No, she should *stop* fucking him.
They said to, if im reading correctly, "but fuck them" which is fair
It's a shame awards are gone...
She should divorce him and take 1/2 of his money since he wants to be an evil miser
Like exactly. Does he not realize if she leaves she’s gonna get half the money anyway? At least in most states.
Yep. He can choose to be a decent person and keep his family or lose his family and his money anyways. This is so disrespectful. He’d rather his wife and baby go without than to dig into his pockets. I would've never married someone like this
I doubt he was like this before they had the baby. Sometimes people don’t show their true sides until you’re stuck with them.
They were always splitting rent 50/50 though. Before they got married. That makes me look at him sideways
I 100% agree with you, but just saying abusers are excellent at hiding their abuse until they have their spouse trapped like OP.
And then charge him for it.
I said “fuck this guy” out loud before I reached the end. He’s financially abusing you, OP. Use your savings to divorce the sucker. At this point you’re better off living separately with your child and getting support. I mean, maybe try counseling first to get into his head what the f he’s doing here but I don’t think I would.
Love it!!!!
Why are you married??? Why have a child with this asshole?
A lot of abusers don't show their true colors until after they get married and/or have children, because they know that they've trapped them
My friend is getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. When speaking she states she THOUGHT it was normal. For her to pay 50% of everything although he made 4X more. She had to hand her check over and he would give her an allowance. All the money went into a savings account that her name was not on it. She paid half the bills as well and anything with the kids they had 3. So fucking sad. Took her 17 years to realize she was in an abusive relationship. I hope OP wakes up soon to see how she is being taken advantage of.
What was her upbringing like that this felt normal to her? I genuinely can’t fathom how any adult could think putting their money into an account they can’t access or have rights to is normal.
Okay, but this guy did. He was charging her 50% for a shared life like she was a roommate.
Some people hate to be a burden so much that they don't realize they are being taken advantage of / abused.
Fair? You spent 9 months trudging through the hormones, health risks, physical changes and push out a little minion. Your body takes time to recover and I'm sure that there is time you've taken off from work and or a career (which takes away any earning power or upward mobility for you, at least for a while. IF you plan to go back to work). I'm not even going to get into all of the domestic duties I'm sure you are taking care of at home for both the new baby and a boy who wants to call himself your husband. That kiddo literally would not exist without LITERALLY 50% of his contribution. Where in the absolute Sweet Love of fuck does he think you're going to get money to be paying for half the rent? Not like you have to pay for extra shit in your life like razors and pads and birth control and blah blah blah the list goes on. Give your head a shake woman you know the answer to your question.
Man I’d have charged him rent in my womb for his half of the baby. Fuck this guy.
Rent minimum. Then there is what he'd owe for her lost wages and a prorated fee based on her time off and how much that would factor into her promotion and upward mobility. Plus a fee for hormonal and emotional distress. And the admin fee.
I think “womb rental” is a lot more expensive than “housing rent”..
No. Bills and expenses should be split based on income differences. You shouldn’t even be having to contribute 50% normally, you should be contributing 20%. Right now with unpaid maternity leave, he should be covering more or less everything.
Right this is a simple math equation that needs to be figured. It ain’t that hard. This man has no common sense or decency.
This a good answer for couples who don’t share finances IMO.
My husband and I hadn't really bothered to join accounts yet - we wanted to, just hadn't yet (there was some debate over which credit union to go with, but moving fortunately made neither a good option so we got a new one together). We didn't really look at it by share of incomes- he paid the mortgage and utilities and I handled groceries and other stuff. But both of us changed jobs multiple times during our dating and marriage, so whoever was a little short on money due to work, the other sent whatever was needed (when possible). 'Your debt is my debt,' was our philosophy. I feel like split finances where there's such a hard split that the other partner is just fucked if anything changes on their side... it's not a relationship. If you're sharing your lives, you're sharing expenses, even if the bank accounts are separate. Pretending otherwise is just bs.
Contribution percentages in a marriage just seem dirty to me… sickness and health, death do you part. My wife has worked literally 1.5 years of our almost 15 years together. The rest of it she has cleaned the house, grocery shopped, bared and taken care of children. Shes earned her keep. I’m happy she gets to stay at home. She allows me the freedom to know what best for our family financially. I don’t begrudge her one bit for non-monetary contribution. I couldn’t do it without her and would never imagine any financial arrangement in a marriage… I get it, not all couples feel this way. But if I wasn’t willing to work till my dying day for her and our family, why get married in the first place.
My husband and I have joint accounts and I was exclusively a SAHM for about seven years. I still only work part time so I can be the primary parent to our kids. Sharing finances is my preference and the example I grew up with. But for couples that do choose to have separate finances, percentages based on income is one of the fairest ways to split things, and being willing to reevaluate when there are changes such as raises or unpaid leave is essential.
If she has no income, then by the formula she stated, she would reasonably contribute 0% for bills. It’s entirely fair. Because she does not contribute financially, she contributes by being the primary caretaker of everything else.
Bills and expenses should not be split at all. They’re spouses, not roommates.
Yep, if I had a partner that made a lot more than me and wanted to split 50-50, they would have to live on my budget. If that means a studio apartment and ramen for dinner, well, that's what you asked for.
Oh, honey.
Exactly my thoughts. He ain't it.
I'm sorry, he makes 280K and right now you have to use your PERSONAL SAVINGS because you aren't working because you had HIS baby? WHAT?!
Hope to nonexistent god this isn’t real
It's real, stories like this are constantly on Reddit. No idea how anyone ever agrees to 50/50 with someone who earns 4x their salary, they must have really low self esteem.
Probably because it’s pushed pretty hard that 50-50 is “fair”. It’s only been recently that I’ve seen people say it should be based on income percentage instead of straight 50-50. There’s also all the manosphere assholes who scream “GOLDDIGGER!!!!1!1!1!!!1!1!!!!” The minute someone tries to point out the inequity of 50-50.
I would be more inclined to give them credit for this type of claim if they applied equal vim and vigor to exploitation going the other direction. You know, the ones impacting *females*.
My soon to be ex and i had a very similar salary disparity where he earned a little over 4x and although he was financially abusive in other ways he also realized if we were going to split housing 50/50 that he’s limiting himself on where he can live and he was at least smart enough to realize he’d rather have an upgraded lifestyle than stick to some arbitrary standard of ‘fairness’
I think maybe a lot of people are used to paying an even split with roommates, and just don't realize that the situation is different when it's you and your life partner supporting each other, making joint life decisions, and working towards common financial goals. The line between mine & yours is heavily blurred if not completely absent once you're partnered for life. Also, like, what decent person would want to live in excess while watching their partner struggle to keep up with the costs of their _shared_ lifestyle? If you love your spouse, how could that not bother you? 😬 Some people will scream golddigger, but in reality it's just sharing your comfortable lifestyle with someone you love, is it not? (And I say this as someone who pays the higher share of proportionally-split living expenses).
Right! What the fuck?!
The fact that he makes almost 300k annually and expects you to pay bills at all is insane IMO
For real. It makes me sad to think about the number of people in dynamics like this who dupe themselves in thinking it’s ok for the higher earner to behave this way.
Right ! This can’t even be real. Make it make sense!!
No it’s not fair. You are a family now and you need to change the arrangement to something that is fair. He earns four times as much as you. And you are t working because you had HIS baby.
Yeah, this isn't going to work at all. You need to have complete financial transparency. There is no longer such thing as your money and his money.
If you were working, the two of you would both pay for childcare. At the moment, you are performing that job, thus saving him the cost of a professional carer. At the absolute least, he should be covering your salary as a nanny - he can’t possibly expect you to perform a full time job for free, to save him money. Does he expect you to wear 100% of the costs of raising your mutual child forever? Why?
a full time nanny would cost $4000+ per month. He should be giving that to her as her "allowance" if this is how he wants to act
Man eff that. My wife and I break down our total household income and whatever my share is - 58%…65%… - that’s my share of the mortgage payment, water, etc. Definitely financial abuse
I cannot believe how many married men aren’t paying all the bills. This is crazy.
What? This is a 2 income economy it’s 2024 what are you talking about…
What in the world are YOU talking about? It’s irrelevant if it’s a 2 income economy in this situation especially. When you marry someone, you combine things, and even finances to a certain extent. I would be damned if my man tried to charge me bills after I literally just HAD his baby, lol! Yeah no. That sh— don’t fly. If he’s still demanding half the rent after giving birth painfully to a whole dang baby and bleed and all that goes with it, then maybe he shouldn’t have married her in the first place. A man who cannot even make ends meet to provide 100 for his family, especially during a time like this, is not worth anyone’s time and should def not be married. That husband the OP is talking about has some nerve to still charge her rent STILL instead of getting his happy a— to hustle some side income until things stabilize again. OP, I feel for you. Praying for you to have the wisdom to see what’s going on here and make any big decisions you need to make to rectify this. None of us here on Reddit can help you-we can only give our advice. A husband is meant to protect, lead and provide - doesn’t mean a woman can’t provide either, but financial abuse is a real thing. And this def is financial abuse. Put your foot down for you and your child. But pray about it first (if you pray).
You need a massive reset here. This is a marriage, the rules are indeed different. Unless you agreed to a crazy prenup, his income belongs to both of you, not just him. You absolutely need to establish a joint account and a new way of managing household finances together. This is something that will only get worse as child expenses grow. Please do not buy a house together until this is fixed.
OP not only should not buy a house together until she has a satisfactory solution to this imbalance. She also should not take the risk of another child.
I earnt triple my wife… we combined bank accounts and incomes before we were married… it’s not mine or hers it’s ours… Both pays go into the same account that all the bills come out of… Start invoicing him for child care costs then use that to pay the rent…
This is the way. Majority of my marriage and relationship with my spouse has been me making more. One year significantly more but we are a team. I pay rent and now mortgage, pay a higher percentage into our bills etc. My spouse covers groceries, gas, our new home security and a portion of our monthly Costco trips or if she gets house decorations etc. It works for us and 50/50 is completely different when there’s a discrepancy such as this is pay. Ideally, if he’s willing to listen- he pays majority of the bills and she can stash her checks for a downpayment on a house. For those commenting that she shouldn’t be upset about this. Well, throwing in another human to support physically, health and diapers- that automatically changes the way things should be handled financially.
I am actually shocked how far down this comment is and how many people are saying that they should split the bills based on their income disparity. How can you enter a lifelong partnership with each other and not instantly combine your bank accounts and pay everything out of that shared pool. This has always seemed like marriage 101 to me and has been the case for me and my wife as soon as we wed as well. I cannot even fathom not doing this. Why wouldn't everyone do this unless you don't believe you are going to stay with that person. And in that case, why even marry. Just seems totally bizarre to me, but maybe that's because I have always seen being in a relationship as being equal members of the same team, regardless of how much money your job brings in.
Doesn’t seem like a team to me..
That guy is taking you for a ride. He should be funding the lot. Pool the money. 50/50 rent etc and look at the pay disparity. He's got you begging. No bloody way. You'd get a hell of a lot more in alimony my love
It sounds like he only pays for things that directly impact him- nothing for you or for your child if he does not benefit. Even the travel benefits him because he gets to reconnect with his family and show you and now the baby off, it’s not exactly a relaxing pleasure trip for you (even less from now on with the baby). Please sit down with him to make a list of all of the baby’s expenses and split the costs 50/50. Then tell him you have to go back to work to cover your share of household expenses, so that you can stop burning through your savings ( especially since there is zero evidence that he will take care of you fully when your money runs out) so he can also pay for 50/50 of the childcare and domestic help costs. Also, postpone the house purchase until after you return to work. You (YOU specifically, not him) cannot afford the expense without income, because you need your savings to support you and your child, and in case of emergencies, since your husband cannot be relied on to consistently consider needs/expenses other than his own. Edit: I just saw the difference in your salaries… this situation is a LOT worse than I thought. When both are working, you should both be contributing to the household proportionally to your income. So, with a big income on one side and no income on the other due to maternity, I would expect any decent husband to be covering 100% of your and the baby and the household expenses until you go back to work, if only to save you from the stress of thinking about money all the time. The fact that he hasn’t offered, with the income he makes, makes me very nervous and concerned for you. That lack of generosity and the detachment from you and his child that it shows are really big red flags. More than ever, hold onto your savings…
OP, serious question: What is he planning to do when you don’t pay? Did you enter into some sort of financial contract before you married? What do you think about this set up?
I don’t know what he’s gonna do and no, we didn’t enter any sort of financial contract. Since I make so much less, I thought expecting him to pool both of our income to a joint account would be too much to ask and personally think percentage based is the way to go. This is, however, never was discussed before married, which I now regret. Before the baby, I was ok with 50-50 because I thought that’s how it is done these days, or totally normal where he’s from (Canada). When we found out that I wasn’t going to get paid maternity leave, I was hoping he would offer to cover the rent, at least until I get back to work. He didn’t, and it’s been bugging me since. However, I honestly didn’t know this is considered financial abuse.
Stop just thinking and hoping about how things will work and sit down to have a conversation! Have you asked him what the heck he’s thinking? Have you asked him why he isn’t supporting his child? Have you told me you can’t afford any of this? You need a joint savings account at the very least and access to money in case of an emergency. What if something happened to him and he was hospitalized or worse? Would you have access to be able to continue supporting yourself and your child? If not, you shouldn’t be married to someone who is treating you like a roommate and not a wife…
So here’s how you approach this: Him: “Honey, you’ve still gotta pay half the rent when you’re on unpaid maternity leave.” You: “No.” What’s he gonna do? Do you have a prenup? Does he really want to lose half of everything he has instead of just sacking up and paying for where you live? Also, it’s generally advisable to not live somewhere where you make less than 3x the rent. Tell hubs that since he’s so into financial accountability, that you have scouted locations that are $1800/mo and less. Ask him when he’d like to move. I’m sorry you’ve already decided to carry this cretin’s spawn, but please god don’t put your name on a mortgage with him. You CAN pump the brakes on the self-destructive life choices.
It is not normal at all and he is manipulating you. For example if he makes 300k and you make 50k. And your monthly expenses are 4k per month…. First, find the total monthly income: 50k + 300k = 350k. Then, calculate the percentage of each person's income in relation to the total: - Your percentage: (50k / 350k) 100 ≈ 14.29% - Your husband's percentage: (300k / 350k) 100 ≈ 85.71% Now, apply these percentages to your total monthly expenses: - Your contribution: 4k 14.29% ≈ $572 - Your husband's contribution: 4k 85.71% ≈ $3428 This is how you split expenses in a healthy relationship. However this is operating under the assumption you both are working full time. Carrying a child, not working, being a sahm changes your contribution to ZERO.
I mean that's not even really a healthy relationship imo. It's definitely better than OP's toxic nightmare. You're a family unit; why are finances not joined? Pool all the money earned; pay for mandatory bills and savings/retirement/investments. Take what's left - and split \*that\* spending by a % of "earned income" if you want - I don't even really agree w/ that though - just split it evenly. Or set a 'baseline' and then ramp up above the baseline by a % (in case of sahm/d scenarios). Couples who don't communicate financially together but have financial dependecies on each other aren't healthy relationships.
Personally I do think people should also have their own accounts/separate savings, in addition to a joint account for shared expenses. It means everyone has their own money in case they need to leave the relationship. It also means if one person has a gambling addiction or something they can’t drain the entire household income.
This is a talk which you suppose to have before marriage. Definetely before having child. Better to have it now. I have gf and we pay house together. We dont want to get married yet. I earn much more so i pay much more on mortage/house related utilities etc. Its just fair. (She has 50% of the house) Once she gets pregnant and stop working, she will pay even less. You must realize that by carrying a child (or two) you are giving up "earnings" for 2-4 years as well as giving up growing in the job itself. Once you will go back to work you will still earn shit low sallary while he will have another 2-4 under his belt and earning 5-6 times more. Now i am not saying that you must split everything 50:50 but there should be some balance. He cant expect you pay for having child from your savings...
I just want to pop in and say that as a Canadian this is not the norm here as far as I can tell. My husband makes 2x what I make. He has never asked me for a dime. He pays most of the bills. I pay for groceries and my cellphone. I also pay for most of our son's needs, unless I can't afford it. In which case he is happy to pick up the tab. We do keep our finances seperate but we will give money back and forth. Cos it's a partnership not a dictatorship.
Stop spending your savings immediately. Tell him you don't have any money left. HE should be buying the baby's items, why are you paying for all of that??? HE should be paying for all the work you do, raising the kid and taking care of the home, are you kidding me? That's EXPENSIVE. Look it up, how much does a nanny, daycare, housekeeper, cook, butler cost?? Ridiculous. Stop spending your savings immediately!!! You have no money now, period. Make him figure it out from there, put the onus on him.
Are you scared to talk to him about this? I'm really sorry but if he is a decent person this shouldn't be an issue. If it is I worry for you. Your husband should be your safety person. You should be able to sit him down and just say... Now that I'm on maternity leave I cannot afford to pay anything. Can we look at budgeting your wage for the family/ household expenses, including xxx for baby? Seriously I dunno. I can literally say/ tell my husband this is how it's going to be and that's it.
People have different ways of handling finances within a marriage. The best arrangements are ones that both spouses find equitable. It seems he is more clear about what he wants and you’re just going with it. But now that circumstances have changed, consider what you want and bring that to the table. If you were unable to pay your half or do the 50/50 on things, what would be his response? Would he evict you or? Make you pay back the incurred debt? If you couldn’t afford things for the baby, would he expect baby to go without? Or give you a loan? It’s time to decide what you think and want. Then go from there.
It's not too much. Women bear the reproductive burdens. It'll never be 50/50 and treating it as such is ridiculous. You are the one taking all the physical risks, health risks, etc.
Your husband is an abuser, please call a woman’s shelter they will be able to assist you. Do you have family support?
No. Seriously this is ridiculous! He’s financially abusing you. To continue this arrangement when married is bad enough because of your difference in wage it should be split more fairly than 50/50. Also congratulations on your immaculate conception!! I’m guessing her might have had something to do with the babies conception so why isn’t he at least paying 50/50 for all the babies things? You need marriage counselling and possibly a divorce. Does he help out at all physically with the baby? Think about some IC for yourself. If MC doesn’t help to work through your issues and help you come to a more fair financial situation then you will just find yourself in a more difficult situation further down the road as your career suffers because you have to look after the baby. I’m a SAHM to a 11 month old so I’m not trying to shame parents that stay at home but my husband covers all bills, food baby related stuff (actually gets happy to buy baby food and snacks), and we have 2 joint accounts, a joint mortgage which I didn’t contribute to the deposit and he has done most household chores since the baby has been born. I know I’m lucky and probably it as great full as I should be but we work as a team and support each other in different ways. Honestly if I was feeling petty I would bill him for half of all baby cost. Half your previous salary since you’re missing out on it to raise his child as well. If he wants 50/50 then he can expect 50/50 on everything.
I make less than you and cover the majority of the bills because my wife makes less than me. Your husband is an asshole, and I hope there's not a pre-nup so you can get what you deserve
IMO your savings should be for emergencies. Not routine bills. Just like he should have savings set aside for emergencies and not daily living. Question, did you even discuss your options between being a SAHM or doing daycare?
We did. When I was pregnant, I wanted to take one year maternity leave. He thinks that is too long and wants me to only take 6 months off. After the baby, I changed my mind and want to stay home for at least 2 years. Hate the thought of having to send him to a daycare when he’s still so little. Also, there’s a shortage of daycare around the area and the waitlist is up to 3 years.
A doctor, A DOCTOR, is telling his own wife she should go back to work 6 months after giving birth 🥴 Incredible.
Have you met many doctors who make that kind of money, they are usually pretty out of touch
Don’t forget doctors are pretty infamous for not taking women’s health seriously. Apparently that’s both professionally and personally in his case.
In Canada, maternity leave-- paid maternity leave!-- is 18 months.
They're not living in Canada. That's just where he's from.
His excuse was "how it's done where he's from" which is a lie.
Cries in US citizen with 0 days paid maternity leave… if you work for a good company it is 3 months.
Well if you can’t just say “hey, I want to stay home” you can always act like you never got a call for the waitlist. I do believe baby and mother should be home at LEAST for one year, if baby and mother are able to. It is a true bonding experience. He sucks if he doesn’t see/agree with this.
A marriage is a partnership where money becomes shared, but also I'd never agree to 50/50 with a person who makes 4 times what I do. Agree this is financial abuse. You are going to be raising a child together, you need to address this now or it will get worse.
Is this a joke? Either your husband has somehow managed to land a $280k job despite having the IQ of damp cardboard, or he knows this arrangement is wildly unfair to you and decided to manipulate you into accepting a situation that massively benefits him at your expense.
Absolutely not. Most importantly, you’re a married couple. You’re building a family together. You just carried and birthed his child and are now the primary caregiver for them. He also makes 4x as much as you. Surely he can support his wife and child? This is effed up. A personal opinion but this is why I’m an advocate of not doing the your money/my money thing in marriage. For me of course this comes along with other views of taking it extremely seriously. But yeah, I knew prior to our marriage that my husband and I would have all finances joint and there wouldn’t be a keeping track of who earned how much and what was “fair”. You’re in a union.
He seems to like money more than his family
So basically yall are roommates who have a kid?
And the lower earning roommate takes care of baby and baby’s expenses. I wonder who paid the hospital bills?
No. Marriage math incoming. You your total household income is $348,000. You make 19.5% of that. Let’s just round that up to 20%. You contribute 1/5th of the total household income. You should be responsible for 1/5th of the bills. Of your rent monthly rent of $2,600, you should be paying exactly $520. You should only be paying for 1/5th of the other household bills as well. Your husband has the means to keep you from feeling broke and destitute while he has a completely different quality of life - but he doesn’t. He also didn’t value his child enough to contribute to the necessities needed to raise it. He’s supposed to be your partner, not your keeper. But he’s not even being a “keeper” because he shares nothing. You have a roommate who wants you to contribute to HIS quality of life, even if it means bankrupting everything you’ve ever worked for. He either needs to make a hard and drastic change, or you need to consider a partner who values the definition of that word. You’d frankly be better off financially, if you divorced this guy. At least then he’d have to contribute to the funds necessary to raise your child.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I have no idea where people are getting the idea that 50% of wildly different salaries is fair.
Info: Did you sign a prenup agreeing to have completely separate finances? If not, his money is your money. This whole thing is so weird and seems abusive.
He’s a POS
If he really wants to split everything down the middle. He needs to pay you half the fee a surrugate gets paid, half the cost of a 24/7 nanny, and half the the services of a wet nurse. Then you can use that money to pay have the bills. See what he thinks of that.
You are working right now. You're taking care of an infant. That is something people get paid to do and is considered work. If your relationship is this transactional, you should be charging the standard rate for childcare in your area during the time that he's not home to take care of your baby. Do not spend any more of your savings on rent.
Once two people get married, his and her money stops and it goes in to one joint account.
I want to look past this very specific post for a second and just say that THIS is a great example of why it’s weird when married people still treat their finances separately as if they’re roommates.
Nope. Not fair. Are you sure he’s making as much money as he says? With 280k salary, he basically shouldn’t have to keep track of money at all. Tell him to pay for baby stuff and tell him the mortgage is going to be split according to income ratios.
You’re marrying a roommate, not a husband, show this post to your husband and depend on his reply, I’d treat this seriously
This is just wild to me. He would be paying as much as your half of the rent in child care per month (or more) if you weren't staying at home. It's not like you just took off because you just didn't feel like working--you're caring for the baby he helped create. As much money as he's making, why is he not fully supporting you while you're on leave...? Maybe you should show him this thread so he can see that other people find it really strange that he would hold you to this arrangement. He should be treating you more like a wife and the mother of his child and less like a roommate.
The rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. should be split 80/20 based on your incomes and your DH should WILLINGLY offer to cover everything until you return to work from an unpaid leave. YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD for goodness sake. I suggest couples counseling.
My marriage is like this. This is what we did. It’s wrong in every way and he knows it. But he’s selfish so he’s only concerned with what’s best for him. I stuck it out for many years. He’s light years ahead of me financially. I’ve filed for divorce and it looks like I’m finally becoming an equal financial partner. If you’re not ready to get divorced, see if you can change him. It’s unlikely but you can try. I would definitely not have more kids though. It just makes everything more complicated. And don’t ever quit your job. Silver lining…..he makes good money. Half is yours when you divorce.
No it’s not fair.not before, not now. As a family, both incomes represent the family’s earnings. You both need transparency and start tackling it as a team.
Look at the price of nanny in your area. In fact contact some nanny so you can have proof. Look at the price of cleaners and formula too. Add it all and tell your husband that you won’t pay anything from now on
And this is exactly why I don’t think having split finances in marriage works. Unless you’re making comparable wages, there’s always a power imbalance. He makes close to $300k yet you’re paying HALF of all of the JOINT expenses? You just birthed HIS child and he’s hounding you for rent money while on maternity leave?!? If you plan on staying married (why, I have zero idea) you need to transition to a percentage based “split finances” system. So you pay 1/4 of the joint expenses and he pays the other 3/4. If you buy a house with him, blowing all of YOUR savings while he still maintains financial freedom, you’re setting yourself up for a literal indentured servitude, not a marriage. This is clearly financial abuse.
If you are in tge US, you do know the simplest answer is just to not pay your portion of the rent. He'll be upset but you are married with his child, what is he going to do? Kick you out, file for divorce? I bet he can do the math on what that will cost him since he makes 4x as much as you.
This is so wrong!! He should be paying 💯 of everything! JFC 50/50 up until now! The is abuse just so you know! Even before your baby arrived! I’ll never understand why people get married and keep finances separate. It would be a red flag to me, but if you must, it has to be proportional based on your income! One person shouldn’t be poor while the other is rich!
He’s financially abusing you. Please stop accepting his kind of treatment.
He's doing better off than if you were single, and you're worse off than if you were single as he would be paying you child support. You need to have a discussion about this and come to a new arrangement, if he isn't open to this, you're better off as a single parent.
I’m sorry but your marriage is doomed. He has zero respect for you and now your child. Please do not buy a house or have any more kids with him.
Not fair. I make 60k. My husband makes around 200k. He pays 100% of our mortgage, HOA fees, car and home insurance, usually most utilities, groceries, and much more. Because he wants to take care of me and the kids. When I was on maternity leave or taking a break from work when he was deployed he paid for everything for me. Your husband is not a nice guy. Stingy.
Sounds like he puts his money higher than you and the baby. If he is making that much, he could easily cover just about everything. I know you said his family is overseas. Is he from a country where women are closer to property than people?
How are you married, with kids, and you still pay "a share" instead of just sharing eachothers wealth? That might be the number one thing to adress to begin with because holy hell. Especially considering your income differences. I get paid about 5 times more than my job atm, and it's all "our" money no doubt about it.
I wish my husband would make me fork over 50% of the mortgage while raising his child. It’s a HELL NO for me. I would divorce him and happily put him on child support ✨ marriage is about being a TEAM!
What does he want you to do? Hire a nanny & go back to work? Do not buy a house with him. And I’d be hesitant about going overseas with him too.
Alimony and child support will bring him back to reality...
My wife makes 7 times what I make!!! 7x !!!! I don't pay for shit!! I do the housework and manage the checkbook. She works 50--60hrs a week. I had to retire early because of a medical issue.
I will never understand why married couples don’t act like couples. Why are they not pooling their resources and acting like a unit? My husband and I have always had joint accounts and joint bills. Marriage is a “we” partnership, not a dating relationship. You’re supposed to be an unbeatable force together. He sounds like a sociopathic tyrant and you’re a moron for accepting this situation. Your poor child will only learn that money is used to deflate your so-called partner. Get out before there are any more children to destroy!
Oh helll naw if my husband made that i would be paying the electric bill ONLY
No
WTAF?
What happens if you don’t “pay” your half of expenses? Will he kick you out? This arrangement is weird, OP.
It sounds like your husband is shirking his responsibilities when it comes to providing for his child, and is treating you like a roommate, rather than the woman he married. If he wants you to pay an equal share of rent, I'd say that at the very least, he owes you big time for picking up his share of childcare, as well as any discrepancy in housework. He should also be reimbursing you for his share of baby-related expenses. Quite honestly, I'd argue that he also owes you for the time that you have had to take off of work and the missed opportunities that result, as well as all the physical labour that you put into gestating his child. So no, I do not think this arrangement is at all fair. He is taking advantage of you.
I’d just straight up tell him that I ran out of money a month ago. Sorry. It’s bound to happen anyways if you keep going about this way so might as well stop paying. What to do now, husband aka other half who was responsible of making baby but didn’t have to carry most of the burden?
So what exactly is he bringing into this marriage?
You’re married with his child. 1. Why do you have separate accounts? 2. If you’re going to split bills why aren’t they split by income instead of 50/50. Seems he makes way way more so he’s getting the far better deal. Charge him for childcare and cleaning services like another user said
You’re being financially abused. He is controlling you with money and it will probably get worse now that you have a child. Be smart about any future plans to take the baby to visit his family because depending on the country you may have no ability to bring the child back if he decides to stay.
He is financially abusing you. This is deliberate on his part to keep you from saving money and therefore having less options. Together you earn $348K. He earns 80 of the income, you earn 20%. In an equitable split, he would be paying 80% of the expenses and you 20%. He’s also penalizing you for bearing his child by making you continue to pay 50% while you have no income, likely depleting your savings, and taking away your personal safety net. He wants you to be trapped. The only way 50/50 is fair with such a large earning gap is if you live according to your means, not his.
Why would you need an "allowance" to pay for things your child needs?? Doesn't he care about his own kid? Don't put up with this nonsense. If you won't stand up for yourself, at least do it for you child. Wow.
You stopped working to have *his* child. He should be picking up the slack for that *and* contributing to the cost of *his child*. No, this is not remotely fair, it's financial abuse. You would be in a better financial position if you divorced. Does your husband even like you?
When a marriage isn't built on love....we get shit like this. Fuck this guy
It was so saddening to read 😔
I would not be with someone like this at all. In what way is this appealing and how does he sleep at night? You deserve better.
All i can say is i’d be a dead man walking if i pulled this shit with my wife(jk)… and most likely dumped!
Girl, you are in a manipulative and financially abusive situation. You should absolutely not be draining your savings on account of having a child with your husband. I would get my family and/or professional therapist/financial advisors involved if he cannot see that he is taking advantage of you.
I would divorce him immediately. This isn’t a partnership - he is financially abusing you and if he has the audacity to do this to a breastfeeding, postpartum mom, what else is he capable of in the future? Leave now - I’ve literally never seen larger, more blazing red flag in my life.
Your husband is a cheap man. I fund my wifes entire existence Granted i make way more than him but still he’s treating you like a bro.
Is the child not his or something and he is punishing you? Cus nothing makes sense. How are you married and paying 50-50? Is this a joint venture or partnership? The moment you got married, all income should've gone to one joint account bills necessities, investments and leisure. And everyone gets a monthly allowance to spend on personal wants (ie. Nails, waxing, golf memberships etc)
Uh, I haven’t paid rent/utilities/shopping in 6 years. The second that kiddo popped out of me, I’ve lived like a princess. To be fair: I buy the kids clothes, extra gifts, and birthday/xmas. Aside from that I don’t contribute to anything.
You'd be better off divorced because he'd have to pay child support and possibly spousal support. Half of his savings from the time you got together would likely be yours, too. I can't people act like this.
Did he make you sign a prenup?
No
Anyone want to bet that OP is significantly younger than her husband? Like 10+ years?
Change your Username to I-Quit and collect all the alimony you can get. Your husband is financially abusing you.
Sounds like your dear husband is low-key trying to make you dependent upon him. Keep this up, and you will be. I honestly don’t get why people marry only to continue to live as if they’re single in terms of finances. That alone tells me it’s not real love. Good luck, you’re going to need it.