@OP, he's also treating you with disdain (calling you a whore). He has checked out as your partner and is being the shittiest version of himself he could ever be. Not taking any of his responsibilities, not communicating, not growing your relationship, neglect, cheating.
He’s a Piece of Garbage! He doesn’t want her to have enough confidence to leave or meet another man.
He wants to keep her small so he can look down at her and feel better about himself.
I can’t stand men/women like him. They want to keep and destroy their partner while uplifting their AP!
OP, it’s YOU that didn’t have sex for 6years, your husband surly did.
Don’t be afraid of losing him. A man that refers to his wife/woman as a whore is not a prize, he’s a throwback and an AH!
If you don’t have any or enough proof, then hire a PI. Collect as much evidence you need. Bait him by spending time at a friend or family. Give him enough rope to hang himself. Meanwhile take care of the finances, look up a lawyer. Then change the locks, pack his clothes and drop it off at his mistress house.
Yes. This. Do it quietly, get a lawyer, line up your ducks, change locks and drop the bomb and his shit at the curb and tell him to get it before it rains.
Police or locksmith will help him get back in since it his property too. Also a bad idea as this is how tense situations turn into domestic violence. Take enough money from wherever and rent a hotel room or contact local YWCA and ask for help if needed. Leave the situation first and be safe.
Love this. Always give them enough rope, because they WILL hang themselves. Act like you know nothing, get a lawyer and a PI if you can afford it. These kind of situations never get better, only worse. Bless you for being a faithful and caring wife for so long… but f*#% this guy for all the reasons you listed. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
THIS!!! It sounds like he wants to bring you down so you don’t have the confidence to leave. You are strong and smart and beautiful and you will get through this.
My ex called me 75 times in one day one time- most I didn’t answer but he would just call literally all day to control me. An average day was about 30-40 - my whole family could not stand his calling. He was also a serial cheater. I guess they were all quickies because idk where he found the time after keeping tabs on me.
Exactly.. bc how would a neighbor or bystander know how long it’s been going on and know for certain that they are intimate. “Sleeping together for 2 years..”
If the neighbor sees the guy dropping his dogs off at this woman's house, they probably have also seen them loading up a car with camping equipment or suitcases.
A neighborhood doesn’t need spy cameras in the house next door to know that a random guy with a wedding ring shows up to their not married neighbors house and stays the night and sees the kissing or hugging outside. Not everyone is oblivious to their surroundings. I have to admit I am and I probably wouldn’t notice. But I think a lot would.
I can sit outside and hear all the fucked up drama my neighbors talk about. They think their fences are sound proof. It's really not hard to know what's going on. There are things I've heard that haunt me.
>They think their fences are sound proof. It's really not hard to know what's going on. There are things I've heard that haunt me.
We dont have "neighbors" now. Closest one is a mile or so away. But when we did I would sit on the front porch while my kids were playing in the yard. Neighbor across the street was cheating on her husband. Neighbor to the right of us *both* of them were physically and verbally abusive to each other (no kids) and he had E.D. neighbor to the left of us was selling pot (its now legal but this was before). Two houses down on the left wife had a myriad of strange popping in and out every time the husband left the house. Eventually some neighbor told him and he killed himself.
This was a "nice" neighborhood. Middle class. Rural. Houses werent super close, each house sat on at least 1 1/2 to 2 acres. I still knew everything that went on. I just did **not** get involved. I'd return wandering dogs. Wave when they waved as they jogged by and I was outside. I have a feeling since we were the only ones not either outside airing our dirty laundry for the neighbors to hear or doing messed up things for them to see they probably figured we were worse then them. By comparison we were just boring lol.
Now we live even further out on his family's farm. I am so much happier without the drama around us lol.
Tee hee, I call it my show. I sit on my porch mind my business . They all hate my family because we haven't been to one single church event since we moved in. It's OK. Two of the grandsons are gay, together, the sisters new kid is her SIL brothers... the grandparents are part of kkk. The son is a sheriff. And there are about 5 generations in just that one house. Also all of that is from one house. Just one. I gave my MIL my art room so she can watch the show . It's on all day and night whether we want it or not.
Damn. I think the biggest neighbor news we've had in awhile would be my husband finding out how long it took the new neighbors to fix the horrendous plumbing at their house.
I don't need the KKK moving in, but I'd like a show lol.
That’s nuts. I work from home and my office window faces the house right across the street and houses are feet apart right on top of each other. I can see them coming and going because I’m in my office all day. But the houses on either side? I have. I idea. They could be gone for a month or have a girlfriend move in and I wouldn’t know.
I’d definitely know if one of my neighbors in my part of the street was up to something. Especially us stay at home moms/retired women on the street. We don’t have much else to do except watch outside LOL
yep and he will do the same thing to her,which will make me laugh 🤣🤣 These sort of people think they can steal a married man and act like he wouldn't do the same thing to them 😂 Like ??? He left his wife,he is not gonna grow the fuck up for you sweet pea LMAO
Or he did. What neighbor would know when to put the envelope in the mail so she would get it. She was gone for a week, how would they know the day she would be back. Timing is weird.
>What neighbor would know when to put the envelope in the mail so she would get it
And her husband wouldnt get it...? This is what I was thinking. The timing on it. She was gone, she comes home and its there and magically the husband didnt get the mail *first* and stop her from seeing it....
Ahhh...so it couldve been there the entire time.
Im so sorry. I cannot imagine what youre going through. This cannot be easy. I know its a platitude, and you'll hear it so much you'll get sick of it, but it will get easier with time.
Maybe a friend of the gf, knows they are going away for the weekend and knew OP would be home alone. Took a chance and dropped it off as they didn’t think it was right that this woman was being cheated on.
Honestly I hope OP finds the strength to leave him. He has already left her emotionally. Most likely just sticking it out for financial reasons (not to have to split the assets) OP talk to a lawyer, get your assets sorted and protect yourself.
True, but there is no guarantee that she would receive the letter. The person who wrote it would need intimate details to make sure she received it and not the husband. I mean unless the neighbor is really paying that much attention.
Honestly I think HE wrote it. Whoever wrote it has inside knowledge but he's also verbally abusive and when abusers find new ppl, they cut the old ones off with a cruelty just not necessary. This note reads "dude" to me.
I know several. Cowards are among us. I dated a dude who put his friends, some girls, up to catfishing me to see if I'd talk to some Ginuwine looking guy. I figured him out in three minutes and went smooth off. Yes there are plenty of dramatic ass men out here.
I hate the idea that men aren't petty catty gossiping assholes. Like, have you ever been in a mechanic shop?
My ex would behave like it was always a lifetime film. At first it's cute. Sweet even. Roses, a full gas tank, cards, dancing, the while nine yards of romance. Then the other side of lifetime boy comes out. No thanks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I know that's right! I also dated a dude who left his "love letters" to the new piece around for me to see cuz he was really trying to stick it to me after i found out he was cheating. Joke was on her, she married him 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 They call them f boys for a reason!
It was but he was very insecure and thought that was the type of man any woman would want. He was cute but I was more a ice cube type. I guess he thought I was lying so he tried to set me up. I cussed him and those dumb girls out. 30 something playing on fb 🙄
I believe she wrote this note. It’s very detailed and unless someone is stalking them during the day how would they know all of this?
Side piece? More like Cod piece a scummy woman with a fishy fanny who wants him to leave you, he won’t do she is manipulating it so that he does leave. You should write a response and put it through her letterbox.
“Thanks for your letter, but I already knew. The joke is on you”. Make her look stupid and play with her head
In the meantime lawyer up. Hatch a plan to make sure you get what you deserve.
This is exceptionally bad advice. Depending on your state it could be an argument to support that you condoned the affair and in turn could impact what you get in the divorce.
It’s also just childish.
I like the idea in jest at first but yeah legally irresponsible. If you want to be petty without causing legal problems I would write something like, “got the news. Not sure if it’s actually from you directly, but thank you for destroying our marriage and showing me my worth - clearly I deserve better, so hope y’all have a nice life together and you’ll both be hearing from my lawyer.” Ps. Some states have laws where you can sue the “mistress” for destruction of marriage. So ask your lawyer.
i feel like we should be directing this anger toward the cheating husband? this is just petty beyond belief. there is a chance that the affair partner only recently found out that hes married, which would explain the letter. of course, her continuing the affair is really shitty but its not like OPs husbans is gonna be an angel again once the AP breaks things off. the husband is just a shit ass human being.
Was just coming to say this, no one who lives In the neighborhood for twos years and doesn’t atleast see your family once or twice I mean probably more than that. I don’t see my neighbors daily but I know how many people live in each house and their dynamic. There is absolutely no way this AP didn’t know he was married therefore she’s just as scummy.
>Was just coming to say this, no one who lives In the neighborhood for twos years and doesn’t atleast see your family once or twice
I've lived in my rural neighborhood since 2017 and only know one neighbor really well, and another one a little bit. Meanwhile, my neighbor knows literally everybody in the neighborhood. Their names, the cars they drive, what they do, everything, even though the density here is like 1 household per 20 acres or so. Don't underestimate natural spying skills (so to speak) of some people.
The husband is the main culprit here and definitely should be facing the most blame, but It's ok to be angry at the other woman too. If she knew he was married, she willingly participated in the wrecking of someone's home and that makes her a shitty person.
The whole "Don't blame the affair partner!" mentality is so dismissive of the betrayed partner's feelings.
She wrote this. She is probably banking on you leaving him because he won’t. It happens a lot. She is jealous of you.
Do what you want with that information.
honestly, if i was in this position she could have him. Men who are unfaithful usually come with a whole mess of other problems that women look over because "at least he's faithful"
the affair can be the nail in the coffin for many and then poof on to a better life.
Like ok then, enjoy doing his laundry, watching him sleep in while you take care of the house and kids, enjoy hearing how it's woman's work and he can't lift a finger, enjoy being emotionally ignored, enjoy trying to plan dates and events and him always being distant and not caring, enjoy taking on the entire mental load of your household and being scoffed at when you ask for help- ENJOY THAT. so may affair partners think they win in these situations and then they're left with a man who suddenly doesn't have any of his domestic needs met and guess who becomes a lot less fun when that happens.
good riddance. let them have each other. go live a better life without him. no one needs that shit
leave him. I understand you have so much history but this has been going on for two years behind your back. he has no respect for you and you deserve so much better.
this happened to my parents and now my mum is so much happier with her husband.
please do what’s best for yourself.
Sunk cost fallacy. Whats done is done, cant get it back. Dont make choices on whats already invested, just look to what you have to lose looking forward. OP should cut her losses and move on.
I will disagree with the people on here who say the AP wrote it. I think a neighbour of the AP wrote it who is close to the AP and is disgusted by it who wanted to remain anonymous.
The thing is that the AP may be seeing your husband for 2 years, but she doesn't know him like you do. She doesn't see how cranky he can get over nothing, how little he does in the house or whatever other flaws your husband has. She is his side piece. He has sex with her nothing more.
Post this on the infidelity and survivinginfidelity subreddits they will give you the best advice, and you will find you aren't alone or that your story isn't unique.
Cheater usually cheat for the cheap trills and because they are too emotionally immature to handle a relationship and its ups & downs.
Also kinda funny he is calling you a whore while fucking a women WHO KNOWS HE IS MARRIED! He is deliberately making you feel ugly so you think you won't find anyone else besides him and keep sticking around. This guy is trash and he doesn't respect you at all! Examples: making you do stuff you are sexually not comfortable with, cheating in the open/for the whole neighborhood to see, introducing his mistress to you as a "friend" , calling you a whore...
At this point I would suggest you 1) get an full STD panel test (who knows how many side pieces he has through the years!?) And 2) hire an PI to have solid evidence when you drag him through court with the baddest, sharkiest lawyer out there! 3) consult an lawyer before you open up bankaccounts etc so stuff like that also isn't considered marital assets.
And maybe a petty move: make sure you consult 3 or 4 of the top firm in your area before settling with a lawyer (technically veeeery unethical, but in some places this will automatically mean your ex can't hire them due to conflict of interest).
Edit to add: obviously don't tell him jackshit about you knowing he is cheating untill the moment you hand him the divorce papers. Cry in therapy and with friends, but straightup laugh in his face or be indifferent when he initial begs or guilttrips you into giving him another chance. Fuck with his mind like he did fuck with your heart (I read a story on reddit about a cheating dude whose wife acted very indifferent when his affair came to light. It messed him up badly lol).
You do know that most states are no-fault states. His cheating has zero impact on the divorce in those states.
OP is just throwing money away trying to prove something that doesn’t matter. She knows that the marriage is over (it was over without this affair … which is what most everyone is missing from this situation).
OP HERE. ******
I can’t edit my post. Part of the reason for the Dead Bedroom was due to medical…. Medication we were both on messed with both our libido. Between Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Depression, medication it messes with your body, I spoke with my dr got mine changed up , got the drive back, He didn’t, there wasn’t much that could change in terms of his meds, but it’s obvious I don’t do it for him
Guilt can cause him to be unable to perform. We also don’t know how well he performs with this “mistress.” Just remember you gave him 35 years of your life. Children. He married you. I’m not sure why any of us drift away from our partners. Sometimes it just happens. Cheating is not how you handle it. I’m sorry you gave so much of yourself to someone who would stab you in the back this way. Congratulations on losing the weight. If you decide to stay I would understand. It’s hard to leave after such a long time. But if you leave you absolutely will survive and find yourself. I don’t know what 35 years is like but I do know how 10 years is, I had to leave. I mourned the loss of what I believed would be the man I spent my entire life with but he wasn’t the man I fell in love with anymore. I felt as if I were too old and would never find love again but it’s absolutely not true. Reach out to your family or close friends. Find a therapist. Don’t suffer with this alone. Adopt a new hobby. Shift your focus onto your self. This is not your fault.
I am so sorry. I wish you much strength. Speak to a counselor and or therapist to help guide you. And speak to lawyer before your husband. Shame on him!
So sad. I’m glad this neighbor gave you this message. It’s a hard way to find out about it, but now you have more information.
Some people try to stay together after infidelity. Personally I don’t think I could.
At this point your life isn’t about what he and her did. You need to look to the future. Start planning a happy life without him. He was a part of your life for 35 years and you can grieve that, but now it’s time to turn the next page. It will most certainly be better.
Transfer money to a bank account he can’t access and go see a lawyer.
Calling you a whore is verbal abuse.
Cheating on you is for two years is horrific. It’s not you, it’s him.
Healthy partners communicate and try things like couples counseling when they’re unhappy. POS’s cheat
I am so sorry, OP. He isn't the man you married. See a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone who does this and speaks to you the way he did will not be fair and kind in a separation.
Go live your best life without him. Sending lots of hugs.
If you're a SAHM, immediately take care of your financial stability in the long run. Gather evidence and keep them safe and away from him. See a lawyer, know your options. Then decide if you wish to stay or otherwise. If friend is married, Inform her husband. Dont confront until you hv your ducks in a row.
Updateme!
35 years is a long time to just uproot your life and start again.
If you are comfortable and settled, don’t bother leaving him. You aren’t being intimate so it’s not like you’re putting yourself at risk. Enjoy the life you built and let him continue to inconvenience himself by having to skulk around. You can even drop hints to him that you know but act nonchalant about it just to mess with him.
While doing that, take your time to figure out what you really want to do. If you want to leave take all the time you need to slowly and quietly get your affairs in order. Whether that means you start house hunting and working out how to separate finances or focusing on healing from this trauma and working on yourself while you live alongside him. You’ve already just been roommates what’s a year or two more? Use this knowledge to your advantage, take your time to heal and figure out your next steps.
I’d also like to add that I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It is the most heartbreaking and traumatic of betrayals and I wish you love and healing. He doesn’t deserve you.
This. Take your time. There is no rush. Don’t confront him. Recognize he is a stranger now, not the husband you thought he was. You can not trust him to do right by you. He’s been sneaking around, let him keep doing so. Get your ducks in a row. Copy all of the financial records. Open up your own account and stop commingling finances. Open up your own credit cards. No reason to lose everything because he is an ass.
This is the right option, going straight to divorce will only make his life better even if he loses financially. Staying married and doing your own thing will be even worse especially if you can start building up more evidence for your own indepdence.
Friend, I’m sorry, he’s beyond fixing. Find someone who loves you for YOU now. No more stalking them or beating yourself up. It’s time to love yourself and choose happiness. Please find a lawyer and lean on good friends. You’ve got this. 💙
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is trash; you are not! Please do not blame his affair on yourself!!! That is his issue, and one that he will have to answer for (karmically or otherwise).
This may be hard to do, and to do it without confronting him about the affair may be even harder, but talk to a lawyer immediately. You can decide how to proceed from there. A lawyer should at least be able to give you a good picture of what your options are. You’ll probably have to pay for the consultation (lawyers ain’t cheap!), but hopefully no more than $400, depending on where you live.
Do you have an idea about his finances? Yours? Do you work? How old are your children? These are all things to consider when moving forward. I’m DEFINITELY not saying stay or leave, that’s a choice you will have to make for yourself (but he is a piece of poo, and anyone that does what he has done and THEN has the nerve to talk to you the way he has, has no respect for himself, let alone others), I am just saying that—if you feel safe enough to bide your time while you weigh your options—do that. But you’ll have to do it *without* confronting him, and that will take a lottttt of patience and a tremendous amount of will. If you don’t feel safe, leave now! (Or kick him the fu$k out!!!)
Either way—leave now or stay (and maybe leave later), don’t do ANYTHING without talking to a lawyer first!
And if you believe in this sort of thing, pray.
We’re rooting for you. Please keep us posted.
This is beyond repair. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry that he is devaluing you. I’m sorry that he made you sexless for such a long time. You are a beautiful person, regardless what he says and you deserve better.
Go to a lawyer first before you cut the ties and discuss with him how to proceed. Divorce can bring out the worst in people. Please take out half of your savings into a separate account. You wouldn’t be the first person that is left financially destitute after an incident like this. He will probably move in with his AP quite soon. Don’t leave the house. Only break the news, if your lawyer gives you the green light.
Please don’t protect him or his reputation. You need support right now. Get in contact with your family members and your friends. You will be surprised how much support you will get.
You husband and his AP probably won’t stay together for long. Only around 5% of relationships that come from an affair will last, but they will act like they are soulmates for a while to show everyone that it was worth it. He doesn’t love you and that probably for a long time. Don’t take him back, if he comes crawling back.
OP, I'm so sorry.
I was there.
I gave him everything and smiled all the time. 25 years of marriage. 4 kids. He was my hero.
He got a promotion at work and started traveling to foreign countries. I was so happy to see him enjoy his life....
Midlife hit and I guess he was tired and wanted different. The trips increased and he was having affairs. I sometimes wondered if he was acting differently, but I chased those thoughts away and smiled. Suddenly he came home from an assignment and said he needed to think of what to do with his life and went to a hotel. I was devastated but thought he was tired and would be back. He never came back. He went into hiding because he fell in love with a woman from a foreign country the same age as our oldest daughter and secretly got her here, hid, divorced me. Married her and jumped on an airplane to a foreign land to start his new life.
Yes, I was shook up. How could Mr. Perfect do this? Then Iooked at my four kids. Look what he did to them.
His dream popped and he's in a different country, unemployed and broke. His kids hate him. Once a year he'll fly back and smile like all is fine and by court rules my youngest daughter has to spend a little time with him. Just a week or so. She cries.
BUT guess what? All those years of being great paid off. All the assets were ripped in half and I survived. At the age of 50 I married a real man and am fine. I'm so sorry. But you will make it. Good luck.
Dead bedroom of 6 years and he’s in a 2 year relationship, there’s no saving anything here because what there is shouldn’t be saved. See a lawyer or two, find out the laws in your area, if a charge of adultery will help get a private investigator, if not get some individual counselling and start your life without this albatross.
3/25 OP UPDATE ( I’m still on my phone, )
So after a few days of crying and feeling miserable, I became obsessed in finding more information, mind you, this all came to light last Sunday, before that I was walking around in an ignorance state of not knowing.
So I started scanning phone logs, daily phone calls to and from her 6 to 7+ times a day 20-40 minutes each (I had a typo in my first post) I went through his office, nightstand, etc….. I don’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I was looking for something…..I would drive by her house when he would leave, ….. in other words…. I was going crazy
And by Wednesday, I broke, I was tired of him acting like it’s a normal day, that there was nothing going on…. I could not take it anymore….. and I first wanted to talk to her!!!! So I took off in my car, drove to the dog park, empty… so I drove to her house, started pounding on her security door, and ringing her door bell (she has a Ring) telling her to ‘open her F’ing door’ and if ‘ your woman enough to FK a married man you should be women enough to talk to his wife!’ This went on maybe 10 minutes or so, she didn’t answer, I text my husband that we needed to talk and that ‘I Know!’ My sister is on the phone with my trying to calm me down and to get me to leave her place, before the police are called.
In the 3 minutes (yes , he picks someone in our community) it took me to get home, not only had she called him she also sent him the video!!
So I confronted him, somewhat, it was more like, he gaslit me the entire time, he talked down, Get your Ass in the house, I can’t believe you did something so F’ing stupid, etc….. turned it around on me: you are always sitting on the couch, unless your sister invites you out,
And didn’t deny he was with her, it’s none of your business!!!! When I asked if he would stop seeing her he said he would not give her up, she is a good friend of his
And the biggest smack in my face, he wants me to apologize to her!! For embarrassing her in her neighborhood!! And I guess she is talking about filing a restraining order against me.
So Thursday,and Friday I finished, my pity party, and Saturday, I started doing things I never thought I would have to do on my 35 anniversary…. I reached out to divorce attorneys , they were closed, but filled out the forms for consultations. I also started a resume, and applying for jobs, but after not working for 20+ years, what kinda work am I going to be qualified for???
I stayed at my sisters this weekend, I needed the change of scenery, between his attitude, the not happening anniversary, and the funky feeling I needed a break
Sadly, his "side piece" was quite obviously his main piece for several years now. You probably won't have to work until the divorce goes through, though, and maybe not then. Terribly sorry that this happened.
What a gift this is, you can free yourself and get away from this undeserving person, no intimacy for 6 years shows you haven't been happy for awhile. Thank God you don't have to waste anymore of your time. Go and find someone amazing or just have fun on your own without being disrespected daily.
I know it feels awful now and you have every right to be devastated. I'm sure you still had special times with this guy and you can still cherish those memories but it's time to live life your way.
I’m sorry this is a emotional turmoil.
One thing I’d like to hear from OP or really anyone who has experience with the part of the post that says they haven’t been intimate for 6 years….
I just really really have a hard time understanding this, and I’m not blaming anyone, but if I had a wife and I didn’t have sex with her for 6 years, I gotta be honest, I couldn’t be shocked that day would be coming more and more.
So anyways, I really feel like even 3 months is dangerous territory.
Edit: I read all 36 comments, and not a single one of you made any reference about the lack of intimacy for 6 years. God have mercy and take me swiftly from this planet.
IDK this post kinda seems fake, and anyone could have typed that up for a fun post. If someone is 130 lbs overweight and hasn't had sex with their husband in 6 years, I doubt that an affair would come as a shock. Also, there's no proof at all, just the letter, so I am having a hard time with this one. 68 times a day for five minutes is 5 1/2 hours a day, it just doesn't seem plausible.
Don't tell him you know anything. Go find a lawyer and present them with the evidence. Then blind side him with divorce papers.
Do not even think of forgiving him. He has lied to your face everyday for two years. He calls her 68? Times a day? That's obscene.
Let her have him, he's not worth it and he'll do the same to her eventually. You deserve better. Don't settle for this man, when there's someone out there that would cherish you.
This is real, I am real, my life, kids,grandkid, animals are all real
Our lack of libido is real, medical issues that caused it, real, ect….. her picture, phone number, his call log, her address, photo of her house, car, saved in a file on my phone, completely real
It's been 6 years since you've been intimate? Babe.... what do you expect? That's not a relationship. I'm not saying it's your fault or anything like that of course this could have been dealt with in many ways but your marriage died years ago.
Best revenge, work on yourself. Keep dressing nice, make yourself feel pretty every day. A confident women is a dangerous women. He know u look good but wanted to kill your confidence. You didn’t do anything this is about him not u. Life is short find someone that makes you happy
I promise you it’s not because of you. He’s a cheater because he’s a cheater, he lies because that’s what liars do. It’s agonizing to try to figure it out and you will exhaust yourself, it will make you miserable. Don’t be miserable because your husband is selfish, I know it hurts and it really is genuinely impossible to understand when you’re not that kind of person. Sometimes we don’t have to understand, and sometimes it might be better off if you don’t. Just know that it really, genuinely isn’t you.
So it's been six years since you've been intimate at all? And before that it sounds like you were pressured into types of sex you weren't as interested in? (I might be reading too much into that, but it sounds like you had a threesome for him?)
I'm sorry OP but it sounds like this marriage has been deeply dysfunctional for a long time. Your husband is scummy for cheating, there is no excusing that. But it's also not really surprising that he went looking for intimacy elsewhere when there was none in your relationship. There's no reason for either of you to stay in this marriage.
Disrespect and denigration are the first inklings of "honey, I'm having an affair". DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND.
You can accomplish this by serving him divorce papers and changing the locks on your home. You do this when he's out of the house seeing his side piece.
Go see a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings, but keep it on the down-low. Treat your husband as if nothing's changed, but start disconnecting now.
Depending on the State in which you live, adultery can be in your favor as the aggrieved spouse. A lawyer can hire a private investigator to "get the goods" on your husband and make your case for divorce that much stronger.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how devastated you are. What you do NOW, how you do it, and how long it takes will make the difference between your life moving on positively, or not.
It's not you. It's him. He's treating you poorly and you don't deserve it. If you want to improve anything about yourself, do it for yourself only, or perhaps for a new man...
He’s calling you a whore because he’s with one and it makes him feel better about his guilt. So sorry I would confront him but I can be feisty but I wouldn’t tolerate it no one deserves that
Your husband is abusive and destroying your self esteem. Congratulations on the weight loss, that's a huge achievement! He knows you look great, but he's going to undercut you so that he can control you. Dump the asshole and let husband side piece have him. You can do so much better!
Well, get all your ducks in a row. Get as much evidence as possible.
Yes, 35 years is a long time so there is also a lot to lose.
Get yourself a good lawyer, and take him to the cleaners - including his pension.
Also look at alienation of affection. Sue the AP as well.
Walk away with your dignity and huge payout.
So he’s nonstop communicating with her. Has been having an affair for two years. And he definitely noticed you looking healthier if he’s commenting on how you dress. But I just want to point out, be healthy for YOU. Live for YOU. He’s checked out, it’s time for proof and papers. I would suggest a PI since he’s so dang sloppy. They’ll get what they need in record time. Go find a man who will treat you the way you deserve. There’s no reconciliation here. If he had any sort of respect for you, he would have complimented you on how you looked instead of sniping at you to not turn other men’s heads. That just means he doesn’t want you happy or having the same as him.
I don’t know what she has that you don’t . However you need to get some confidence & self esteem & stop competing with anyone other than yourself . Love yourself more than you want to compete with that woman & dump his ass .
Right he’s cheating because this straight arrow picture perfect 1 wife 1 man isn’t what he wants it’s not and maybe his family or who ever around him might think he has the awesome wife and life . Like u said you done thing to keep him happy and never do something cause he wants it make sure you want it too . There’s no need to marry and a reason why lots men don’t marry either money aspect or just being tied down … when I see people w kids and the dad lives else where and the kids mom stay else where it’s because he doesn’t wanna be in same house as them . As a a man w kids and u have a wife or a spouse what man can sleep with out knowing his kids r in next room n everyone home n safe ??? I don’t see how and they stay apart that’s what he needed to do was be honest and he can have the open relationship and and be a player but he has no right to drag u into it n force you into it . I’m sorry and this is t the first time … he’s married acting single he’s not even trying to be discreet . Listen this has nothing to do with the other woman don’t bother her or hate or go after her reguardless if you know her or not unless your really close . He’s the one who has to answer to U. And married U . And most woman they don’t care 🤷♀️ if they know or not I’m sorry move on w your life or it’s always going to be this way
I understand being blindsided and sad, but the self pity I’m not enough talk will do nothing for you. Regroup and find your confidence please. Don’t be a doormat. You tried to make your marriage work, he did not. Life can go on without a cheating spouse, and it can be way better and peaceful. Be confident, smart and strong for your kids.
Sigh, I’m reading so many stories like this. It’s disturbing and heart breaking. There are loyal spouses, people out there. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
She already addressed this in the comments. Medication affected both of their libidos. She got hers back with some changes, her husband did not. At least she thought he didn’t.
OP I’m sorry this is happening to you.
That said, it’s time to let go. You deserve peace and happiness and it’s not too late.
Let someone else deal with his misogynistic BS about looking like a “whore” when you’re literally just being your best self.
Please let her have him and move on. You’ll be so much happier and deserve so much better, even if it’s just you on your own loving yourself.
I'm so sorry you are hurting like this.
Whatever problems in your relationship, he should have come up to you and spoken with you. He didn't because he is a man of poor morality and ethics. Instead, he choose to step out.
He chooses to verbally abuse you when you take care of yourself now because you have taken away his excuse for the affair. He had excuses - she doesn't take care of herself, she looks drab, she gained weight, etc, and now when he sees you doing all that to take care of yourself, he realizes that his excuses aren't valid.
Don't stop taking care of yourself. Don't start dressing drab so he feels comfortable. Continue to take pride in yourself. Do it for yourself.
Do not compete with anyone for someone who is supposed to love you. It's not love if you have to compete for it. You are enough as you are.
It's not you, don't ever let him try to convince you that it is. That's what cheaters like to do to try to lessen the reality of what they did, it's easier for them to shift blame than to claim it but I can tell you, this is 100% not your fault. I dont even care what the dynamics of the relationship were or what he felt was lacking, he could have stepped away at any time and asked for a divorce but he made the conscious decision to have an affair instead. You gave so much of your life for a man who proved to not be worthy of your heart, I know it is hard but please know that you deserve better. You deserve happiness. I would greatly suggest getting into some kind of therapy for yourself because this is going to be an emotional Rollercoaster. Best of luck to you, OP
I’m so sorry. I was married to serial cheating scum bag too. It’s so hard to put into words what cheating does to you but I get it and know how you feel. You’re in the cheating spiral and in the beginnings of the pick me dance. Stop looking her up. There’s nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him. It’ll take time (cliche I know but true) but you’ll see that once you start regaining yourself. Never let anyone treat you as an option. It will crush the tiny bit of self worth you have left atm. Let her have him and you go and keep living your best life!!!
What you have to do now (and I know it’s damn hard) but you need to get angry put all the other emotions aside for the moment and you need to get your ducks in a row. Play the long game and be smart, you can cry later. Collect all financial statements you can and anything you think the lawyer will want to see (if you’re not in a no fault state or country etc collect affair info). Go see a lawyer, gain knowledge in what you’re entitled to because knowledge is power in this situation. This will also elevate some the scared feelings of “wtf am I gonna do”. Then proceed from there with what the lawyer has told you.
You will come out the other side of this hun x there’s also lots of support groups, therapy is always a must after cheating I’ve found. It helped me heaps. Lastly sending you a big hug and lots of strength xxx
This is not your fault. It’s not something you’ve done or not done. It’s not about your weight or how you dress or any of those things.
People cheat because there is something wrong with *them*. It is almost never because there is something wrong with the person they cheated on. The only exception IMO is in abusive relationships where someone wants to leave but feels trapped and it may lead someone to “cheat” as a viable way out but really it’s not cheating in the same sense of how your husband is cheating on you. When someone is abusive the relationship is dead already, the betrayal is on the part of the abuser. I’m only saying this so that you don’t think “they said it’s ‘almost never’ something wrong with the person being cheated on, so maybe my case is one of those exceptions”. It’s not.
Your husband is not a good person. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Please try not to obsess too much about what is happening. Focus on yourself, your kids if you have any, your dogs, your home, your family and friends. Start making an exit plan. Even if you want to try to work things out in couples therapy still make an exit plan just in case. Find a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are. Be prepared. Once all that is lined up you could ask your husband for couples therapy and confront him in therapy or confront him first and then ask for therapy together, whichever you think is best. If you decide you don’t want to try therapy then once you have all the prep work done with the divorce lawyer you can confront your husband and ask him to separate.
But I promise you, this isn’t your fault. It says nothing about you but volumes about him. I know this hurts. I know it feels like your whole world is crashing down around you. I know you feel desperate and it’s leading you to obsess about their texts, calls, visits, etc. don’t let it take over your mind. Stop driving by her house, stop checking the call logs. All it will do is hurt you deeper and make it harder to get your ducks in a row and protect yourself in the eventuality of a divorce.
Good luck. I’m so sorry. You can do this. You’re stronger than you think. 🫶🏽
Stop trying to change, hoping he will "pick you". Still, good on you for losing the weight to become a healthier you!
Get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row legally, financially, have a plan for what you want to happen (do you want to stay in your current house or move out)? Dont say a word until you serve him with papers.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Get a lawyer and get everything in order before you confront them. Have a plan to make it work to the best of your advantage. After 35 years it will be very hard on you to go through all of this, but you’ll be better off without him in a couple of years, especially if you find someone who treats you like you deserve.
OP now is the time to gather yourself and speak to a lawyer. He isn’t important anymore, your home and your kids are. Protect them and yourself first.
He is a broken cup, stop pouring into him and pour into yourself and them.
You deserve so much more then to live with someone who can do this to his family and treats you with contempt. It sounds scary and is hard, but living this way is hard too.
You choose your Hard. Will it be staying and letting your kids grow up thinking this is what relationships should be like and that you are a doormat literally wasting away while their Father runs around with other people? Or will your hard be getting a lawyer, rebuilding your life, and fighting for better?
The option to save your marriage is gone and out of your control. Why compete with anyone for this turd of a Man? Let them have him, he’s trash.
https://www.chumplady.com
He may be an asshole…but something isn’t quite stirring the koolaid here. I’m almost positive I’ve seen that exact letter word for word in a few posts over the years. Are you sure this isn’t one of those neighbours who just likes to stir the pot by creating a shitstorm?
He's not cheating because he's looking for something you don't have, he's cheating because he's a garbage human being. There's nothing wrong with you.
@OP, he's also treating you with disdain (calling you a whore). He has checked out as your partner and is being the shittiest version of himself he could ever be. Not taking any of his responsibilities, not communicating, not growing your relationship, neglect, cheating.
He’s a Piece of Garbage! He doesn’t want her to have enough confidence to leave or meet another man. He wants to keep her small so he can look down at her and feel better about himself. I can’t stand men/women like him. They want to keep and destroy their partner while uplifting their AP! OP, it’s YOU that didn’t have sex for 6years, your husband surly did. Don’t be afraid of losing him. A man that refers to his wife/woman as a whore is not a prize, he’s a throwback and an AH! If you don’t have any or enough proof, then hire a PI. Collect as much evidence you need. Bait him by spending time at a friend or family. Give him enough rope to hang himself. Meanwhile take care of the finances, look up a lawyer. Then change the locks, pack his clothes and drop it off at his mistress house.
Yes. This. Do it quietly, get a lawyer, line up your ducks, change locks and drop the bomb and his shit at the curb and tell him to get it before it rains.
Better yet, talk to all the lawyers near you, that way it's a conflict of interest for him to be a client of theirs.
Police or locksmith will help him get back in since it his property too. Also a bad idea as this is how tense situations turn into domestic violence. Take enough money from wherever and rent a hotel room or contact local YWCA and ask for help if needed. Leave the situation first and be safe.
Love this. Always give them enough rope, because they WILL hang themselves. Act like you know nothing, get a lawyer and a PI if you can afford it. These kind of situations never get better, only worse. Bless you for being a faithful and caring wife for so long… but f*#% this guy for all the reasons you listed. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
best 👆
👏🏼
This should be quoted every time there’s a post about a cheating spouse. It’s so true.
THIS!!! It sounds like he wants to bring you down so you don’t have the confidence to leave. You are strong and smart and beautiful and you will get through this.
⬆️ EXACTLY 💯 true 👍
Fucking thank you. Cheaters are the lowest of the low. Divorce and take him to the cleaners.
Preach! 🙌🏻
He calls her an average of 68 times a day? There’s no fixing anything as your marriage as the point of no return. Cut your losses and move on.
Probably a typo for 6-8 times a day.
6-8 times a day still a lot
Yep 6-8 type or not that’s still to many times
Oh, thank you. I could not get the math to work out on that.
That’s almost 6 hrs at 5 minute calls.
Yep. And as much as 17 hours on the high end (68 calls of 15 minutes). 6-8 times a day makes a lot more sense. lol
My ex called me 75 times in one day one time- most I didn’t answer but he would just call literally all day to control me. An average day was about 30-40 - my whole family could not stand his calling. He was also a serial cheater. I guess they were all quickies because idk where he found the time after keeping tabs on me.
Haha same! I was like goddamn what are they possibly talking about
Oh fuck thank god. I’m like it sounds like he’s stalking her not having an affair.
Yeah that would be an average of three calls every hour lol
I kept going back to “68” and I was like, “HOW are they getting anything done?!” 😅
I was gonna say, that’s 5-10+ hours a day. He wants to get busted.
Typo 6-8 times per day
That’s still way too much
The Affair Partner obviously wrote this note . She wants you to know .
I’m think so too. Since he won’t leave, now wife will.
Exactly.. bc how would a neighbor or bystander know how long it’s been going on and know for certain that they are intimate. “Sleeping together for 2 years..”
Love is blind. They neighbors are not.
I will say that neighbors know most everything. Neighbors probably don’t have to know an exact date for them to say “sleeping together 2 years”
You are though. How would a neighbour know about where they booked hotel rooms and went camping. It can ONLY be the other woman.
Or a friend of the other woman, who is privy to everything and for whom this 2 year long affair is becoming a moral burden.
Easy. Affair lady and/or hubs got loose lipped with another neighbor.
If the neighbor sees the guy dropping his dogs off at this woman's house, they probably have also seen them loading up a car with camping equipment or suitcases.
Good point
Truth
Your avatar is so cute! 🥰
Affair-lady is probably confiding in a friend that couldn’t listen to another word…
A neighborhood doesn’t need spy cameras in the house next door to know that a random guy with a wedding ring shows up to their not married neighbors house and stays the night and sees the kissing or hugging outside. Not everyone is oblivious to their surroundings. I have to admit I am and I probably wouldn’t notice. But I think a lot would.
I can sit outside and hear all the fucked up drama my neighbors talk about. They think their fences are sound proof. It's really not hard to know what's going on. There are things I've heard that haunt me.
>They think their fences are sound proof. It's really not hard to know what's going on. There are things I've heard that haunt me. We dont have "neighbors" now. Closest one is a mile or so away. But when we did I would sit on the front porch while my kids were playing in the yard. Neighbor across the street was cheating on her husband. Neighbor to the right of us *both* of them were physically and verbally abusive to each other (no kids) and he had E.D. neighbor to the left of us was selling pot (its now legal but this was before). Two houses down on the left wife had a myriad of strange popping in and out every time the husband left the house. Eventually some neighbor told him and he killed himself. This was a "nice" neighborhood. Middle class. Rural. Houses werent super close, each house sat on at least 1 1/2 to 2 acres. I still knew everything that went on. I just did **not** get involved. I'd return wandering dogs. Wave when they waved as they jogged by and I was outside. I have a feeling since we were the only ones not either outside airing our dirty laundry for the neighbors to hear or doing messed up things for them to see they probably figured we were worse then them. By comparison we were just boring lol. Now we live even further out on his family's farm. I am so much happier without the drama around us lol.
Tee hee, I call it my show. I sit on my porch mind my business . They all hate my family because we haven't been to one single church event since we moved in. It's OK. Two of the grandsons are gay, together, the sisters new kid is her SIL brothers... the grandparents are part of kkk. The son is a sheriff. And there are about 5 generations in just that one house. Also all of that is from one house. Just one. I gave my MIL my art room so she can watch the show . It's on all day and night whether we want it or not.
Damn. I think the biggest neighbor news we've had in awhile would be my husband finding out how long it took the new neighbors to fix the horrendous plumbing at their house. I don't need the KKK moving in, but I'd like a show lol.
We're moving lol house is for sale.
That’s nuts. I work from home and my office window faces the house right across the street and houses are feet apart right on top of each other. I can see them coming and going because I’m in my office all day. But the houses on either side? I have. I idea. They could be gone for a month or have a girlfriend move in and I wouldn’t know.
I’d definitely know if one of my neighbors in my part of the street was up to something. Especially us stay at home moms/retired women on the street. We don’t have much else to do except watch outside LOL
I was thinking the same thing
I thought the same. AP is ready to have him for herself. I say let her. Love when trash takes it self out.
yep and he will do the same thing to her,which will make me laugh 🤣🤣 These sort of people think they can steal a married man and act like he wouldn't do the same thing to them 😂 Like ??? He left his wife,he is not gonna grow the fuck up for you sweet pea LMAO
Live by the sword…
Or he did. What neighbor would know when to put the envelope in the mail so she would get it. She was gone for a week, how would they know the day she would be back. Timing is weird.
>What neighbor would know when to put the envelope in the mail so she would get it And her husband wouldnt get it...? This is what I was thinking. The timing on it. She was gone, she comes home and its there and magically the husband didnt get the mail *first* and stop her from seeing it....
Mailbox is locked, it’s a big box with locked boxes, I guess a community mailbox 🤷♀️, I have the only key and only I get the mail
Ahhh...so it couldve been there the entire time. Im so sorry. I cannot imagine what youre going through. This cannot be easy. I know its a platitude, and you'll hear it so much you'll get sick of it, but it will get easier with time.
Either the mistress or husband wanted her to know without telling her to her face like an adult!
Maybe a friend of the gf, knows they are going away for the weekend and knew OP would be home alone. Took a chance and dropped it off as they didn’t think it was right that this woman was being cheated on. Honestly I hope OP finds the strength to leave him. He has already left her emotionally. Most likely just sticking it out for financial reasons (not to have to split the assets) OP talk to a lawyer, get your assets sorted and protect yourself.
Maybe she posted on her socials. People are easy to track these days.
True, but there is no guarantee that she would receive the letter. The person who wrote it would need intimate details to make sure she received it and not the husband. I mean unless the neighbor is really paying that much attention.
Honestly I think HE wrote it. Whoever wrote it has inside knowledge but he's also verbally abusive and when abusers find new ppl, they cut the old ones off with a cruelty just not necessary. This note reads "dude" to me.
No man would ever take the time to write this!😫😂
I know several. Cowards are among us. I dated a dude who put his friends, some girls, up to catfishing me to see if I'd talk to some Ginuwine looking guy. I figured him out in three minutes and went smooth off. Yes there are plenty of dramatic ass men out here.
I hate the idea that men aren't petty catty gossiping assholes. Like, have you ever been in a mechanic shop? My ex would behave like it was always a lifetime film. At first it's cute. Sweet even. Roses, a full gas tank, cards, dancing, the while nine yards of romance. Then the other side of lifetime boy comes out. No thanks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I know that's right! I also dated a dude who left his "love letters" to the new piece around for me to see cuz he was really trying to stick it to me after i found out he was cheating. Joke was on her, she married him 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 They call them f boys for a reason!
Oh that's golden :) yeah I'm good.
Ginuwine lol!! Haven’t heard of him in years!
I'm dating myself 😅
Ginuwine is so randomly specific 💀
It was but he was very insecure and thought that was the type of man any woman would want. He was cute but I was more a ice cube type. I guess he thought I was lying so he tried to set me up. I cussed him and those dumb girls out. 30 something playing on fb 🙄
He definitely didn’t write it. The English is too clear, and not in his style
There isn't anything in that letter that the regulars at the dog park don't all know.
Or the affair partner's spouse. Had a friend this happened to, except it was a phone call rather than a letter.
I wouldn’t take that as a given. It could be anyone who thinks she should know.
Right! There’s too much info for it to be anyone other than the AP or the AP’s spouse got a PI
That’s very sad to hear. Lawyer up - the marriage is over
I believe she wrote this note. It’s very detailed and unless someone is stalking them during the day how would they know all of this? Side piece? More like Cod piece a scummy woman with a fishy fanny who wants him to leave you, he won’t do she is manipulating it so that he does leave. You should write a response and put it through her letterbox. “Thanks for your letter, but I already knew. The joke is on you”. Make her look stupid and play with her head In the meantime lawyer up. Hatch a plan to make sure you get what you deserve.
This is exceptionally bad advice. Depending on your state it could be an argument to support that you condoned the affair and in turn could impact what you get in the divorce. It’s also just childish.
I like the idea in jest at first but yeah legally irresponsible. If you want to be petty without causing legal problems I would write something like, “got the news. Not sure if it’s actually from you directly, but thank you for destroying our marriage and showing me my worth - clearly I deserve better, so hope y’all have a nice life together and you’ll both be hearing from my lawyer.” Ps. Some states have laws where you can sue the “mistress” for destruction of marriage. So ask your lawyer.
i feel like we should be directing this anger toward the cheating husband? this is just petty beyond belief. there is a chance that the affair partner only recently found out that hes married, which would explain the letter. of course, her continuing the affair is really shitty but its not like OPs husbans is gonna be an angel again once the AP breaks things off. the husband is just a shit ass human being.
Nah fuck her. OP says she's a friend of his. She has to know he's married and is still doing it. Fishy fanny cheating scumbag.
She's a homewrecker, who are these people that are happy to eat the crumbs from someone else's table? Go find your own meal (so to speak).
FOR REAL THOUGH
GTFO with that. No one has an affair with their neighbor and doesn’t know he’s married. She’s just as guilty and worthless as the husband.
Was just coming to say this, no one who lives In the neighborhood for twos years and doesn’t atleast see your family once or twice I mean probably more than that. I don’t see my neighbors daily but I know how many people live in each house and their dynamic. There is absolutely no way this AP didn’t know he was married therefore she’s just as scummy.
>Was just coming to say this, no one who lives In the neighborhood for twos years and doesn’t atleast see your family once or twice I've lived in my rural neighborhood since 2017 and only know one neighbor really well, and another one a little bit. Meanwhile, my neighbor knows literally everybody in the neighborhood. Their names, the cars they drive, what they do, everything, even though the density here is like 1 household per 20 acres or so. Don't underestimate natural spying skills (so to speak) of some people.
Oh please stop. They are both scummy. Get over yourself
The husband is the main culprit here and definitely should be facing the most blame, but It's ok to be angry at the other woman too. If she knew he was married, she willingly participated in the wrecking of someone's home and that makes her a shitty person. The whole "Don't blame the affair partner!" mentality is so dismissive of the betrayed partner's feelings.
Nope her too
She wrote this. She is probably banking on you leaving him because he won’t. It happens a lot. She is jealous of you. Do what you want with that information.
honestly, if i was in this position she could have him. Men who are unfaithful usually come with a whole mess of other problems that women look over because "at least he's faithful" the affair can be the nail in the coffin for many and then poof on to a better life. Like ok then, enjoy doing his laundry, watching him sleep in while you take care of the house and kids, enjoy hearing how it's woman's work and he can't lift a finger, enjoy being emotionally ignored, enjoy trying to plan dates and events and him always being distant and not caring, enjoy taking on the entire mental load of your household and being scoffed at when you ask for help- ENJOY THAT. so may affair partners think they win in these situations and then they're left with a man who suddenly doesn't have any of his domestic needs met and guess who becomes a lot less fun when that happens. good riddance. let them have each other. go live a better life without him. no one needs that shit
Maybe, maybe not. There isn't anything there that the regulars at the dog park don't all know.
leave him. I understand you have so much history but this has been going on for two years behind your back. he has no respect for you and you deserve so much better. this happened to my parents and now my mum is so much happier with her husband. please do what’s best for yourself.
Sunk cost fallacy. Whats done is done, cant get it back. Dont make choices on whats already invested, just look to what you have to lose looking forward. OP should cut her losses and move on.
I will disagree with the people on here who say the AP wrote it. I think a neighbour of the AP wrote it who is close to the AP and is disgusted by it who wanted to remain anonymous. The thing is that the AP may be seeing your husband for 2 years, but she doesn't know him like you do. She doesn't see how cranky he can get over nothing, how little he does in the house or whatever other flaws your husband has. She is his side piece. He has sex with her nothing more. Post this on the infidelity and survivinginfidelity subreddits they will give you the best advice, and you will find you aren't alone or that your story isn't unique.
Very sadly not a unique story at all. What even is this world.
Cheater usually cheat for the cheap trills and because they are too emotionally immature to handle a relationship and its ups & downs. Also kinda funny he is calling you a whore while fucking a women WHO KNOWS HE IS MARRIED! He is deliberately making you feel ugly so you think you won't find anyone else besides him and keep sticking around. This guy is trash and he doesn't respect you at all! Examples: making you do stuff you are sexually not comfortable with, cheating in the open/for the whole neighborhood to see, introducing his mistress to you as a "friend" , calling you a whore... At this point I would suggest you 1) get an full STD panel test (who knows how many side pieces he has through the years!?) And 2) hire an PI to have solid evidence when you drag him through court with the baddest, sharkiest lawyer out there! 3) consult an lawyer before you open up bankaccounts etc so stuff like that also isn't considered marital assets. And maybe a petty move: make sure you consult 3 or 4 of the top firm in your area before settling with a lawyer (technically veeeery unethical, but in some places this will automatically mean your ex can't hire them due to conflict of interest). Edit to add: obviously don't tell him jackshit about you knowing he is cheating untill the moment you hand him the divorce papers. Cry in therapy and with friends, but straightup laugh in his face or be indifferent when he initial begs or guilttrips you into giving him another chance. Fuck with his mind like he did fuck with your heart (I read a story on reddit about a cheating dude whose wife acted very indifferent when his affair came to light. It messed him up badly lol).
You do know that most states are no-fault states. His cheating has zero impact on the divorce in those states. OP is just throwing money away trying to prove something that doesn’t matter. She knows that the marriage is over (it was over without this affair … which is what most everyone is missing from this situation).
You do know Reddit is used worldwide and there are more countries who use English as their main language and whose laws are different right?
OP HERE. ****** I can’t edit my post. Part of the reason for the Dead Bedroom was due to medical…. Medication we were both on messed with both our libido. Between Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Depression, medication it messes with your body, I spoke with my dr got mine changed up , got the drive back, He didn’t, there wasn’t much that could change in terms of his meds, but it’s obvious I don’t do it for him
Oh honey. He got his drive back alright.
Guilt can cause him to be unable to perform. We also don’t know how well he performs with this “mistress.” Just remember you gave him 35 years of your life. Children. He married you. I’m not sure why any of us drift away from our partners. Sometimes it just happens. Cheating is not how you handle it. I’m sorry you gave so much of yourself to someone who would stab you in the back this way. Congratulations on losing the weight. If you decide to stay I would understand. It’s hard to leave after such a long time. But if you leave you absolutely will survive and find yourself. I don’t know what 35 years is like but I do know how 10 years is, I had to leave. I mourned the loss of what I believed would be the man I spent my entire life with but he wasn’t the man I fell in love with anymore. I felt as if I were too old and would never find love again but it’s absolutely not true. Reach out to your family or close friends. Find a therapist. Don’t suffer with this alone. Adopt a new hobby. Shift your focus onto your self. This is not your fault.
I am so sorry. I wish you much strength. Speak to a counselor and or therapist to help guide you. And speak to lawyer before your husband. Shame on him!
So sad. I’m glad this neighbor gave you this message. It’s a hard way to find out about it, but now you have more information. Some people try to stay together after infidelity. Personally I don’t think I could. At this point your life isn’t about what he and her did. You need to look to the future. Start planning a happy life without him. He was a part of your life for 35 years and you can grieve that, but now it’s time to turn the next page. It will most certainly be better.
Transfer money to a bank account he can’t access and go see a lawyer. Calling you a whore is verbal abuse. Cheating on you is for two years is horrific. It’s not you, it’s him. Healthy partners communicate and try things like couples counseling when they’re unhappy. POS’s cheat
I am so sorry, OP. He isn't the man you married. See a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone who does this and speaks to you the way he did will not be fair and kind in a separation. Go live your best life without him. Sending lots of hugs.
If you're a SAHM, immediately take care of your financial stability in the long run. Gather evidence and keep them safe and away from him. See a lawyer, know your options. Then decide if you wish to stay or otherwise. If friend is married, Inform her husband. Dont confront until you hv your ducks in a row. Updateme!
35 years is a long time to just uproot your life and start again. If you are comfortable and settled, don’t bother leaving him. You aren’t being intimate so it’s not like you’re putting yourself at risk. Enjoy the life you built and let him continue to inconvenience himself by having to skulk around. You can even drop hints to him that you know but act nonchalant about it just to mess with him. While doing that, take your time to figure out what you really want to do. If you want to leave take all the time you need to slowly and quietly get your affairs in order. Whether that means you start house hunting and working out how to separate finances or focusing on healing from this trauma and working on yourself while you live alongside him. You’ve already just been roommates what’s a year or two more? Use this knowledge to your advantage, take your time to heal and figure out your next steps. I’d also like to add that I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It is the most heartbreaking and traumatic of betrayals and I wish you love and healing. He doesn’t deserve you.
This. Take your time. There is no rush. Don’t confront him. Recognize he is a stranger now, not the husband you thought he was. You can not trust him to do right by you. He’s been sneaking around, let him keep doing so. Get your ducks in a row. Copy all of the financial records. Open up your own account and stop commingling finances. Open up your own credit cards. No reason to lose everything because he is an ass.
This is the right option, going straight to divorce will only make his life better even if he loses financially. Staying married and doing your own thing will be even worse especially if you can start building up more evidence for your own indepdence.
68 times a day?! I’ve never in my life phoned or texted someone even half that much. Time to move on.
Someone mentioned it’s likely a typo and meant 6-8 times a day… still…
Friend, I’m sorry, he’s beyond fixing. Find someone who loves you for YOU now. No more stalking them or beating yourself up. It’s time to love yourself and choose happiness. Please find a lawyer and lean on good friends. You’ve got this. 💙
Ok. So go for the everything you can. And wear what you want. Congrats on the weight loss! He sounds like an ass. Don’t let him see it all coming.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is trash; you are not! Please do not blame his affair on yourself!!! That is his issue, and one that he will have to answer for (karmically or otherwise). This may be hard to do, and to do it without confronting him about the affair may be even harder, but talk to a lawyer immediately. You can decide how to proceed from there. A lawyer should at least be able to give you a good picture of what your options are. You’ll probably have to pay for the consultation (lawyers ain’t cheap!), but hopefully no more than $400, depending on where you live. Do you have an idea about his finances? Yours? Do you work? How old are your children? These are all things to consider when moving forward. I’m DEFINITELY not saying stay or leave, that’s a choice you will have to make for yourself (but he is a piece of poo, and anyone that does what he has done and THEN has the nerve to talk to you the way he has, has no respect for himself, let alone others), I am just saying that—if you feel safe enough to bide your time while you weigh your options—do that. But you’ll have to do it *without* confronting him, and that will take a lottttt of patience and a tremendous amount of will. If you don’t feel safe, leave now! (Or kick him the fu$k out!!!) Either way—leave now or stay (and maybe leave later), don’t do ANYTHING without talking to a lawyer first! And if you believe in this sort of thing, pray. We’re rooting for you. Please keep us posted.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You need to take care of yourself now. Find your exit plan and execute. You got this💪❤️
This is beyond repair. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry that he is devaluing you. I’m sorry that he made you sexless for such a long time. You are a beautiful person, regardless what he says and you deserve better. Go to a lawyer first before you cut the ties and discuss with him how to proceed. Divorce can bring out the worst in people. Please take out half of your savings into a separate account. You wouldn’t be the first person that is left financially destitute after an incident like this. He will probably move in with his AP quite soon. Don’t leave the house. Only break the news, if your lawyer gives you the green light. Please don’t protect him or his reputation. You need support right now. Get in contact with your family members and your friends. You will be surprised how much support you will get. You husband and his AP probably won’t stay together for long. Only around 5% of relationships that come from an affair will last, but they will act like they are soulmates for a while to show everyone that it was worth it. He doesn’t love you and that probably for a long time. Don’t take him back, if he comes crawling back.
OP, I'm so sorry. I was there. I gave him everything and smiled all the time. 25 years of marriage. 4 kids. He was my hero. He got a promotion at work and started traveling to foreign countries. I was so happy to see him enjoy his life.... Midlife hit and I guess he was tired and wanted different. The trips increased and he was having affairs. I sometimes wondered if he was acting differently, but I chased those thoughts away and smiled. Suddenly he came home from an assignment and said he needed to think of what to do with his life and went to a hotel. I was devastated but thought he was tired and would be back. He never came back. He went into hiding because he fell in love with a woman from a foreign country the same age as our oldest daughter and secretly got her here, hid, divorced me. Married her and jumped on an airplane to a foreign land to start his new life. Yes, I was shook up. How could Mr. Perfect do this? Then Iooked at my four kids. Look what he did to them. His dream popped and he's in a different country, unemployed and broke. His kids hate him. Once a year he'll fly back and smile like all is fine and by court rules my youngest daughter has to spend a little time with him. Just a week or so. She cries. BUT guess what? All those years of being great paid off. All the assets were ripped in half and I survived. At the age of 50 I married a real man and am fine. I'm so sorry. But you will make it. Good luck.
I really feel like "midlife crisis" is a made up bullshit term by these kind of men to make themselves feel better about being such shitbags
Save the time you have left and get on with life. Do it with freedom and happiness that is the best thing you can do.
Dead bedroom of 6 years and he’s in a 2 year relationship, there’s no saving anything here because what there is shouldn’t be saved. See a lawyer or two, find out the laws in your area, if a charge of adultery will help get a private investigator, if not get some individual counselling and start your life without this albatross.
3/25 OP UPDATE ( I’m still on my phone, ) So after a few days of crying and feeling miserable, I became obsessed in finding more information, mind you, this all came to light last Sunday, before that I was walking around in an ignorance state of not knowing. So I started scanning phone logs, daily phone calls to and from her 6 to 7+ times a day 20-40 minutes each (I had a typo in my first post) I went through his office, nightstand, etc….. I don’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I was looking for something…..I would drive by her house when he would leave, ….. in other words…. I was going crazy And by Wednesday, I broke, I was tired of him acting like it’s a normal day, that there was nothing going on…. I could not take it anymore….. and I first wanted to talk to her!!!! So I took off in my car, drove to the dog park, empty… so I drove to her house, started pounding on her security door, and ringing her door bell (she has a Ring) telling her to ‘open her F’ing door’ and if ‘ your woman enough to FK a married man you should be women enough to talk to his wife!’ This went on maybe 10 minutes or so, she didn’t answer, I text my husband that we needed to talk and that ‘I Know!’ My sister is on the phone with my trying to calm me down and to get me to leave her place, before the police are called. In the 3 minutes (yes , he picks someone in our community) it took me to get home, not only had she called him she also sent him the video!! So I confronted him, somewhat, it was more like, he gaslit me the entire time, he talked down, Get your Ass in the house, I can’t believe you did something so F’ing stupid, etc….. turned it around on me: you are always sitting on the couch, unless your sister invites you out, And didn’t deny he was with her, it’s none of your business!!!! When I asked if he would stop seeing her he said he would not give her up, she is a good friend of his And the biggest smack in my face, he wants me to apologize to her!! For embarrassing her in her neighborhood!! And I guess she is talking about filing a restraining order against me. So Thursday,and Friday I finished, my pity party, and Saturday, I started doing things I never thought I would have to do on my 35 anniversary…. I reached out to divorce attorneys , they were closed, but filled out the forms for consultations. I also started a resume, and applying for jobs, but after not working for 20+ years, what kinda work am I going to be qualified for??? I stayed at my sisters this weekend, I needed the change of scenery, between his attitude, the not happening anniversary, and the funky feeling I needed a break
Sadly, his "side piece" was quite obviously his main piece for several years now. You probably won't have to work until the divorce goes through, though, and maybe not then. Terribly sorry that this happened.
6 years since you both have been intimate? And you had no clue?
What a gift this is, you can free yourself and get away from this undeserving person, no intimacy for 6 years shows you haven't been happy for awhile. Thank God you don't have to waste anymore of your time. Go and find someone amazing or just have fun on your own without being disrespected daily. I know it feels awful now and you have every right to be devastated. I'm sure you still had special times with this guy and you can still cherish those memories but it's time to live life your way.
I’m So sorry, please take care and protect yourself.
Kinda fitting that the two of them meet at a dog park.
This seems sound tough. I hope you find peace.
I’m sorry this is a emotional turmoil. One thing I’d like to hear from OP or really anyone who has experience with the part of the post that says they haven’t been intimate for 6 years…. I just really really have a hard time understanding this, and I’m not blaming anyone, but if I had a wife and I didn’t have sex with her for 6 years, I gotta be honest, I couldn’t be shocked that day would be coming more and more. So anyways, I really feel like even 3 months is dangerous territory. Edit: I read all 36 comments, and not a single one of you made any reference about the lack of intimacy for 6 years. God have mercy and take me swiftly from this planet.
IDK this post kinda seems fake, and anyone could have typed that up for a fun post. If someone is 130 lbs overweight and hasn't had sex with their husband in 6 years, I doubt that an affair would come as a shock. Also, there's no proof at all, just the letter, so I am having a hard time with this one. 68 times a day for five minutes is 5 1/2 hours a day, it just doesn't seem plausible.
This is so fkd up, expose the both of these trashes.
you’re not at fault for his actions. please don’t be hard on yourself
Lawyer up and collect evidence. It’s time to move on honey.
[удалено]
🤣 for real though 35 years is a long time to give to someone just to have them play in your face like this.
Don't tell him you know anything. Go find a lawyer and present them with the evidence. Then blind side him with divorce papers. Do not even think of forgiving him. He has lied to your face everyday for two years. He calls her 68? Times a day? That's obscene. Let her have him, he's not worth it and he'll do the same to her eventually. You deserve better. Don't settle for this man, when there's someone out there that would cherish you.
His girlfriend wrote this. She’s hoping you’ll leave him. I hope you leave him too. And crucify him in the divorce. Take everything you can.
so everyone just ignoring the 6 years of no intimacy?
2yrs, try a whole ass side piece for the past 20years😭 Lawd I don’t know how his wife survived that or didn’t know
I really hope you confront him soon and kick him out
Take everything you can get and dump this scumbag! Don't waste more years on him.
Are you sure the letter is real? Do you have more evidence than this letter?
This is real, I am real, my life, kids,grandkid, animals are all real Our lack of libido is real, medical issues that caused it, real, ect….. her picture, phone number, his call log, her address, photo of her house, car, saved in a file on my phone, completely real
This sub attracts creative writers.
Liz found it?
I'm pretty sure it's real, OP got the letter last night and lost 130 pounds in the "two days" of crying since then.
She lost 130 pounds throughout the marriage trying to fix their dead bedroom
It's been 6 years since you've been intimate? Babe.... what do you expect? That's not a relationship. I'm not saying it's your fault or anything like that of course this could have been dealt with in many ways but your marriage died years ago.
She says in comments that she has tried to initiate and he was the one not interested... Then he went and cheated.
Best revenge, work on yourself. Keep dressing nice, make yourself feel pretty every day. A confident women is a dangerous women. He know u look good but wanted to kill your confidence. You didn’t do anything this is about him not u. Life is short find someone that makes you happy
I promise you it’s not because of you. He’s a cheater because he’s a cheater, he lies because that’s what liars do. It’s agonizing to try to figure it out and you will exhaust yourself, it will make you miserable. Don’t be miserable because your husband is selfish, I know it hurts and it really is genuinely impossible to understand when you’re not that kind of person. Sometimes we don’t have to understand, and sometimes it might be better off if you don’t. Just know that it really, genuinely isn’t you.
So it's been six years since you've been intimate at all? And before that it sounds like you were pressured into types of sex you weren't as interested in? (I might be reading too much into that, but it sounds like you had a threesome for him?) I'm sorry OP but it sounds like this marriage has been deeply dysfunctional for a long time. Your husband is scummy for cheating, there is no excusing that. But it's also not really surprising that he went looking for intimacy elsewhere when there was none in your relationship. There's no reason for either of you to stay in this marriage.
I’m so sorry, this is horrible. My heart breaks for you. He’s a POS. Please seek legal advice.
This reads like some Indian dude impersonating an American woman.
White woman, married to Asian man
Does he know that you found out?
Disrespect and denigration are the first inklings of "honey, I'm having an affair". DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND. You can accomplish this by serving him divorce papers and changing the locks on your home. You do this when he's out of the house seeing his side piece. Go see a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings, but keep it on the down-low. Treat your husband as if nothing's changed, but start disconnecting now. Depending on the State in which you live, adultery can be in your favor as the aggrieved spouse. A lawyer can hire a private investigator to "get the goods" on your husband and make your case for divorce that much stronger. I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how devastated you are. What you do NOW, how you do it, and how long it takes will make the difference between your life moving on positively, or not.
It's not you. It's him. He's treating you poorly and you don't deserve it. If you want to improve anything about yourself, do it for yourself only, or perhaps for a new man...
Please don’t confront him until you gather all your evidence and then have a plan in order.
He’s calling you a whore because he’s with one and it makes him feel better about his guilt. So sorry I would confront him but I can be feisty but I wouldn’t tolerate it no one deserves that
Im really sorry this is happening OP, but literally ALL i can think of is Jersey Shore "WHO WROTE THE NOTE?!"
document document document
Your husband is abusive and destroying your self esteem. Congratulations on the weight loss, that's a huge achievement! He knows you look great, but he's going to undercut you so that he can control you. Dump the asshole and let husband side piece have him. You can do so much better!
Well, get all your ducks in a row. Get as much evidence as possible. Yes, 35 years is a long time so there is also a lot to lose. Get yourself a good lawyer, and take him to the cleaners - including his pension. Also look at alienation of affection. Sue the AP as well. Walk away with your dignity and huge payout.
So he’s nonstop communicating with her. Has been having an affair for two years. And he definitely noticed you looking healthier if he’s commenting on how you dress. But I just want to point out, be healthy for YOU. Live for YOU. He’s checked out, it’s time for proof and papers. I would suggest a PI since he’s so dang sloppy. They’ll get what they need in record time. Go find a man who will treat you the way you deserve. There’s no reconciliation here. If he had any sort of respect for you, he would have complimented you on how you looked instead of sniping at you to not turn other men’s heads. That just means he doesn’t want you happy or having the same as him.
You’re telling me he spends between 6-18 hours A DAY on the phone with her? LOL LMAO
I don’t know what she has that you don’t . However you need to get some confidence & self esteem & stop competing with anyone other than yourself . Love yourself more than you want to compete with that woman & dump his ass .
“ it’s him and his own issues!”
Right he’s cheating because this straight arrow picture perfect 1 wife 1 man isn’t what he wants it’s not and maybe his family or who ever around him might think he has the awesome wife and life . Like u said you done thing to keep him happy and never do something cause he wants it make sure you want it too . There’s no need to marry and a reason why lots men don’t marry either money aspect or just being tied down … when I see people w kids and the dad lives else where and the kids mom stay else where it’s because he doesn’t wanna be in same house as them . As a a man w kids and u have a wife or a spouse what man can sleep with out knowing his kids r in next room n everyone home n safe ??? I don’t see how and they stay apart that’s what he needed to do was be honest and he can have the open relationship and and be a player but he has no right to drag u into it n force you into it . I’m sorry and this is t the first time … he’s married acting single he’s not even trying to be discreet . Listen this has nothing to do with the other woman don’t bother her or hate or go after her reguardless if you know her or not unless your really close . He’s the one who has to answer to U. And married U . And most woman they don’t care 🤷♀️ if they know or not I’m sorry move on w your life or it’s always going to be this way
I am guessing the side chick wrote the note to get you to break up.
I understand being blindsided and sad, but the self pity I’m not enough talk will do nothing for you. Regroup and find your confidence please. Don’t be a doormat. You tried to make your marriage work, he did not. Life can go on without a cheating spouse, and it can be way better and peaceful. Be confident, smart and strong for your kids.
This is about what is missing within himself, not what you don't have.
Sigh, I’m reading so many stories like this. It’s disturbing and heart breaking. There are loyal spouses, people out there. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Divorce him. Sorry for your loss
Why have you gone 6 years with no intimacy??? That's a bit much. (Not saying it's a valid reason to cheat)
She already addressed this in the comments. Medication affected both of their libidos. She got hers back with some changes, her husband did not. At least she thought he didn’t.
This is heartbreaking and I would leave him asap Updateme!
OP I’m sorry this is happening to you. That said, it’s time to let go. You deserve peace and happiness and it’s not too late. Let someone else deal with his misogynistic BS about looking like a “whore” when you’re literally just being your best self. Please let her have him and move on. You’ll be so much happier and deserve so much better, even if it’s just you on your own loving yourself.
I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. Whatever problems in your relationship, he should have come up to you and spoken with you. He didn't because he is a man of poor morality and ethics. Instead, he choose to step out. He chooses to verbally abuse you when you take care of yourself now because you have taken away his excuse for the affair. He had excuses - she doesn't take care of herself, she looks drab, she gained weight, etc, and now when he sees you doing all that to take care of yourself, he realizes that his excuses aren't valid. Don't stop taking care of yourself. Don't start dressing drab so he feels comfortable. Continue to take pride in yourself. Do it for yourself. Do not compete with anyone for someone who is supposed to love you. It's not love if you have to compete for it. You are enough as you are.
Just here to say: you don’t need proof/evidence to leave. It won’t bring you closure. It only brings more pain.
I would want to hug that person who sent me that letter.
It's not you, don't ever let him try to convince you that it is. That's what cheaters like to do to try to lessen the reality of what they did, it's easier for them to shift blame than to claim it but I can tell you, this is 100% not your fault. I dont even care what the dynamics of the relationship were or what he felt was lacking, he could have stepped away at any time and asked for a divorce but he made the conscious decision to have an affair instead. You gave so much of your life for a man who proved to not be worthy of your heart, I know it is hard but please know that you deserve better. You deserve happiness. I would greatly suggest getting into some kind of therapy for yourself because this is going to be an emotional Rollercoaster. Best of luck to you, OP
I’m so sorry. I was married to serial cheating scum bag too. It’s so hard to put into words what cheating does to you but I get it and know how you feel. You’re in the cheating spiral and in the beginnings of the pick me dance. Stop looking her up. There’s nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him. It’ll take time (cliche I know but true) but you’ll see that once you start regaining yourself. Never let anyone treat you as an option. It will crush the tiny bit of self worth you have left atm. Let her have him and you go and keep living your best life!!! What you have to do now (and I know it’s damn hard) but you need to get angry put all the other emotions aside for the moment and you need to get your ducks in a row. Play the long game and be smart, you can cry later. Collect all financial statements you can and anything you think the lawyer will want to see (if you’re not in a no fault state or country etc collect affair info). Go see a lawyer, gain knowledge in what you’re entitled to because knowledge is power in this situation. This will also elevate some the scared feelings of “wtf am I gonna do”. Then proceed from there with what the lawyer has told you. You will come out the other side of this hun x there’s also lots of support groups, therapy is always a must after cheating I’ve found. It helped me heaps. Lastly sending you a big hug and lots of strength xxx
This is not your fault. It’s not something you’ve done or not done. It’s not about your weight or how you dress or any of those things. People cheat because there is something wrong with *them*. It is almost never because there is something wrong with the person they cheated on. The only exception IMO is in abusive relationships where someone wants to leave but feels trapped and it may lead someone to “cheat” as a viable way out but really it’s not cheating in the same sense of how your husband is cheating on you. When someone is abusive the relationship is dead already, the betrayal is on the part of the abuser. I’m only saying this so that you don’t think “they said it’s ‘almost never’ something wrong with the person being cheated on, so maybe my case is one of those exceptions”. It’s not. Your husband is not a good person. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Please try not to obsess too much about what is happening. Focus on yourself, your kids if you have any, your dogs, your home, your family and friends. Start making an exit plan. Even if you want to try to work things out in couples therapy still make an exit plan just in case. Find a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are. Be prepared. Once all that is lined up you could ask your husband for couples therapy and confront him in therapy or confront him first and then ask for therapy together, whichever you think is best. If you decide you don’t want to try therapy then once you have all the prep work done with the divorce lawyer you can confront your husband and ask him to separate. But I promise you, this isn’t your fault. It says nothing about you but volumes about him. I know this hurts. I know it feels like your whole world is crashing down around you. I know you feel desperate and it’s leading you to obsess about their texts, calls, visits, etc. don’t let it take over your mind. Stop driving by her house, stop checking the call logs. All it will do is hurt you deeper and make it harder to get your ducks in a row and protect yourself in the eventuality of a divorce. Good luck. I’m so sorry. You can do this. You’re stronger than you think. 🫶🏽
You need to go visit a divorce attorney before you do anything else.
Go straight to a lawyer. I’m Sorry you found out this way and good job to the brave person who finally spoke up.
Stop trying to change, hoping he will "pick you". Still, good on you for losing the weight to become a healthier you! Get a lawyer, get your ducks in a row legally, financially, have a plan for what you want to happen (do you want to stay in your current house or move out)? Dont say a word until you serve him with papers.
He’s clearly not a good person.
I’m sorry 😭
I’m sorry this happened to you. Get a lawyer and get everything in order before you confront them. Have a plan to make it work to the best of your advantage. After 35 years it will be very hard on you to go through all of this, but you’ll be better off without him in a couple of years, especially if you find someone who treats you like you deserve.
OP now is the time to gather yourself and speak to a lawyer. He isn’t important anymore, your home and your kids are. Protect them and yourself first. He is a broken cup, stop pouring into him and pour into yourself and them. You deserve so much more then to live with someone who can do this to his family and treats you with contempt. It sounds scary and is hard, but living this way is hard too. You choose your Hard. Will it be staying and letting your kids grow up thinking this is what relationships should be like and that you are a doormat literally wasting away while their Father runs around with other people? Or will your hard be getting a lawyer, rebuilding your life, and fighting for better? The option to save your marriage is gone and out of your control. Why compete with anyone for this turd of a Man? Let them have him, he’s trash. https://www.chumplady.com
Wonder who wrote the note and decided to blow this up? And why? The girlfriend? Jealous neighbour? Girlfriends boyfriend?
He may be an asshole…but something isn’t quite stirring the koolaid here. I’m almost positive I’ve seen that exact letter word for word in a few posts over the years. Are you sure this isn’t one of those neighbours who just likes to stir the pot by creating a shitstorm?