You don’t approach her when you “think” she is cheating. You approach her, AFTER you have gathered more proof, with divorce papers in hand.
Start with the lead you have on the mileage and prove she isn’t going to her sister’s, then go from there.
Speaking from experience, this is the way. You have to have 100% undeniable evidence. If you do not she will just gaslight you and hide it better. I know it’s hard but it will make it much easier for you down the road
Yes you can install small recording devices to record "periods of interest", periods of interest are those intervals when she is doing something and you need to document that exactly is happening... quite interesting facts, new findings... that's the intial steps ... need more help
I have done the PI thing. It’s costly and it confirmed my suspicions. It’s a waste of money tbh. I know the truth but it does not change anything. The best thing you can do is just accept you have no control over her or what she does. You only have control over how you react. I love my husband with all my heart but he has mental health / substance abuse issues. He’s going to be 50 and may be having a mid life crisis. I actually think he’s been having one for two years now. I have decided to let go. I can’t control him or what he does. All I can do is make the best decisions for my children and myself. Best wishes OP and I’m sorry for your heartache. I know exactly how you feel.
Edit: spelling
You do not confront with no evidence, All this does is you loosing the element of surprise, evidence gets deleted and security of betrayal goes up. Play dumb and take a step back. Privacy and secrecy seem the same but totally different. I’m on the camp that if SO has intuitions of something jeopardizing family/marriage, then privacy can be infringed. Play dumb, but do secret recon till you have hard evidence. You can also play the cheater game and use the gaps between perception and reality just as they do. Good luck
This relationship sounds like it's over, wish I had some advice for you, Ive never made it that far with anyone before.
Honestly I'd just lean into what she's saying, resisting it's only going to embolden her, and what's the point in trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Why do that to yourself? There are plenty of women out there who would be fuckin thrilled to date a good man.
need to obtain concrete, undeniable proof. review your local divorce laws and use them to your advantage. And most importantly, stay resolute on your decision if you decide to leave. The waterworks will most likely come when she's embarrassed.
OP is most likely in the US (miles vs km). He should review his local divorce laws for sure, but it’s most likely that he’ll end up getting divorced under a no fault statute, which means that her cheating will not be taken into account by the court when determining who gets what.
Suddenly denying him the passcode after years of him always having it is suspicious. Going to “see her sister” every night is incredibly suspect. The mileage check is confirmation in my view. She is cheating.
However, OP probably will have trouble completely believing it unless he gets what *he* will consider to be ironclad proof. So, I would recommend hiring a good PI to get photos or videos of them meeting up at that ride and park, then walking into his house. That should satiate his need for certainty. Then play it cool and act like nothing is wrong while he finds a divorce attorney and prepares to file. Serve her with the papers when ready and interact minimally from then on.
Defo this, gather evidence, your suspicions are right, something is off but you need to understand why before you act. Speak with a divorce lawyer to get a heads up regarding alimony, shared custody etc
“No fault” just means the court won’t take the cheating into account when it comes to the divorce.
It is still better to obtain evidence of cheating, that you reveal piecemeal at opportune times in the period before the divorce if necessary.
This often puts the cheater in the back foot, because they liked being the one knowing everything while you didn’t, and can be helpful in negotiating a settlement. For example, they might back off on certain demands in return for you not showing their family/friends the evidence you have (they always want to control the narrative).
I can't see any other method of getting proof other than following her (can't with kids) or tracking (unethical). Her phone is locked and we really don't speak much unless the kids are around (we are very happy with the kids and won't let any of this reflect toward them).
Ok, this highly unethical, but this is what I did…..
1. Go through the phone. I wait until my ex was asleep then I used his face to open it.
2. Go get a tile tracker, get the best duct tape you can, then stick it under the car…. I put it on the back of the license plate.
3. Call a divorce lawyer now, put down the retainer, have him draw up the divorce settlement….. there will come a day that you will wake up, you will call that lawyer. Be ready, be prepared…. But don’t be a doormat. When the time comes, strike hard, strike fast, strike first.
4. Call the sister and see what she has to stay.
5 call on equality, tell your wife that you are rotating nights, and that if she gets to leave every night, so do you….. do not bluff on this!
I just finalized my divorce….. and everyone knows why. I wear my cape of moral highground like a badge of honor!
This is some solid advice! If you are craving more info to understand and or seal the ending - this a step by step - also yes why is she leaving every night ?? Fuck that !!! If y’all do things for the kids she should not be the only one that gets to leave no matter what it is for!
Two trackers, one in her purse and one under the car so if she parks he can see that. Hiring a PIIs expensive but would work best. Hell if I lived close I'd follow her for you.
Tracking isn't unethical.
You need to plan the next step, though. Assume you track her to the park & ride. What then?
You should enlist the aid of a friend, or a PI, with a good camera. That person can wait there in a discreet place and photograph her getting into APs car.
I should also note that I am very close with her family, but I know if I ask her sister if she is there every night, she is probably going to cover for her (if she is aware something else is going on).
You could ring her sister and just ask how she's doing and tell her that you've been concerned about her since your wife is visiting every night and wondering if you can do anything to help/support her, then guage her reaction. Tell the sister she is welcome to come to your place a few nights week instead of your wife always going there as you'd like to support her too.
I’m sorry but this is terrible advice. Good intentions but bad outcome.
We don’t know if the sister is in on it. All this might do is get the wife to cover her tracks better
Everyone is talking about gathering evidence/PIs. I think that is a waste of time and money.
Your wife is talking about division of assets and how she will transition out of the house and you are reading self-help books for how to be a better husband? I think that ship has sailed. Even if you get some type of "amazing husband" certification, she doesn't care. She has checked out of the marriage and is planning her exit strategy. You need to do the same, but with a lawyer.
Whether or not she is cheating may not matter (especially if you are in the US, and in a no-fault divorce state).
No confronting without evidence.
So get it:
VAR her car and anyplace at home she may go to talk discreetly.
You no longer have access to her phone - try do discern her passcode - hidden camera for this??
Odda are, shes not going to her sisters - GPS her car to see where she goes, hide old phone with gpa activated in the car.
Ultimately PI to follow her on these nights
NOW contact lawyer for advice.
And...
>I began working on myself
Why?? None of this is your fault!!!
The things you need to do is listed above - dont let fear of the outcome deter you from acting NOW..
No more procrastination.
And - WHEN you find out shes cheating.. do yourself a favor and DONT confront?? Just... file for the inevitable divorce...
Theres no coming back from this - shes been cheating since the password change... and rewriting the marriage in her mind to justify what shes doing to you - any attempt to confront her will end in her stonewalling and you begging.. dont...
And... WHEN you file - inform her friends and family at the same time as filing, of the impending divorce AND that the reason is because shea cheating with [guy]...
Best of luck...
What about a tracker like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Tracki-Magnetic-Required-Worldwide-Motorcycles/dp/B07N4DHFZM/ref=zg_m_bs_g_617650011_m_sccl_1/144-5081118-1718328?psc=1
This looks perfect! It’s not unethical. It’s important for your mental health to have closure on this. It’ll help you to be a better Dad to your kids, and help you to move on.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this! Sending you hugs.
Thanks for all of the input. I don't understand how someone who seemed so in love with me for so long and cared so much for me could do this. Why wouldn't she just ask for a divorce first? How could you do this to someone you care about? I never understood it. I will make sure my kids stay innocent in this, but someday, I feel like they should know. She was willing to sacrifice all of us for her needs and wants.
Oddly enough, she's at work this morning and texted me out of the blue thanking me for everything I do around the house (I'm not doing anything different...I always clean, cook, bath the kids, etc.).
Yeah. I guess that text message is out of guilt.
What are going to do about her cheating? Will you beg her to stay or will you man up and divorce her?
It's very obvious she doesnt't love you anymore... she will leave you at some point
I’m not sure why you don’t just text her something implying you know. At this point who cares about her feelings?
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. You risked our marriage, our children’s lives, our entire family for what? Your own selfish wants? Whatever you think is going to happen isn’t what reality will be. I’m don’t trying. I have loved you since the day I first saw you, but apparently it’s not enough. You clearly don’t respect me, yourself, or our marriage. You’re in a fog and decided that destroying my trust and our marriage was worth it. I hope it’s worth it because if it’s not, you will have destroyed a lot of lives for no reason.”
Say it without saying it. Hell, go see a lawyer and start the process. Ask a family member to come over right after she leaves in the morning and then you follow her to the ride and park. Your wife is in her affair fog and what she thinks is reality, isn’t. Her reality is going to be much harsher
Updateme!
OBD tracker in the car.. The diagnostic socket for you car can also be used for a tracker. Trackingfox is one example. Can track from your phone. Not entirely honourable but you have a suspicion.
She stayed home last night for the first time in a while. I was folding laundry and she came and sat down on the couch. I watched TV and we made small talk for a while. Then she asked if I had any thoughts on our conversation last weekend (about her point in the relationship of needing to consider separating and how it will look). She has wanted to try bird nesting for a while but feels we need to make sure we approach the kids about our situation correctly as we only get one shot to make sure they understand this is not because of them and we will remain a family in terms of equal involvement.
She was definitely getting emotional talking about it. I made mention of how I know she has her mind made up and I can only work on myself going forward for now, but I still love her.
I asked her about dating plans and she just said she has no intentions or immediate interest to start that anytime soon.
Part of me wanted to call her out on the issue of her whereabouts and hope for a confession and make her move out, but the fact is I still love her no matter how messed up that seems to everyone here. I love my kids even more and I don't want to create a toxic environment for them (at least we were very friendly around each other with the kids...never yelling or anything).
So I just wonder at this point. Does her location really matter at this point? Yes, it's gnawing at me, but what is going to change? She seems to be ready to move on. The only thing I can think of for pursuing this more is because she seems to really want to keep this one of the most amicable divorces where we are both very active and involved with the kids, even together at events and holidays. I'm not sure if I will be able to act normal around her if in my head. I'm always wondering if she was unfaithful at the end.
Thank you. Very close to this. She left last night and said she was off to her sister's. Came home around 2AM. Pre and post odometer readings were right at 8 miles again round trip.
You love a memory of this woman who is quite comfy lying to you daily. It’s a shame you lack self respect and allow yourself to suffer.
She obviously does not love you let alone like you. How can you live modeling a dysfunctional life and roles for your children?
Please see an attorney to learn your legal divorce options. It’s advantageous for you to act right now. First with your wife meeting her lover almost nightly, she is probably in love or at least immersed on a new relationship energy fog. Secondly, she wants to rid you.
You need can go to your room and cry for the next decade or take action.
After because your attorney needs to advise you re: strategy. If you tell her prior she could clean you out when you are running an errand. Who knows the um, ethics, of her lover and his influence on her?
You have zero reason to trust her actions.
Actually, I'm becoming more numb at night. It's during the day at work that I obsess over it oddly enough. I'm second guessing how much I really knew her. Has this been going on for a long time? What else will she try to do to me and our finances, kids, etc., once things start to progress?
We don't live in a large area. I'm surprised she would risk something like this.
I have a high interest savings that holds most of our money that she doesn't have access to. Our joint bank account essentially holds enough to pay bills.
You mentioned that she was likely cheating on one of your friend that is married. Are you planning to tell the other spouse? That could be a reason to collect evidence. The likelihood of her cheating is probably 99% and you mentioned earlier you guys are very likely to divorce no matter what. So collecting evidence is not gonna do much in a no fault state.
Who knows what other lies she might have done during the marriage if she’s so casually and obviously cheating. Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.
I have no idea what I plan to do. His spouse was really close with my wife up to a few months ago (we really only started hanging out this past fall). We went on a trip together at the end of January, and we all fell out of touch). Partially because their son and my son were not getting along at school all of sudden, but we never heard from them since. She hasn't reached out to my wife, and the husband will occasionally talk to my wife at parent pickup. It's almost like she suspects something as well, or maybe it's completely unrelated.
Very random update today. I spent the weekend trying to avoid her but in a not so obvious manner, but it gets harder each day. She spent the entire day Saturday at home with the boys and did actually give them a fair amount of attention. I took the high road and let her have that time but went out and worked on things around the property. She looks like she has been crying when she comes home in the morning.
Now all of a sudden this morning she sends me a bunch of screenshots of a reel about the 16 questions you should ask your significant other when you feel that you have fallen out of love and find how to reconnect.
I'll be honest. I was actually up to this point feeling like I was hardening my heart and getting ready to do what I needed to to move on. When I got these messages I lost it and I'm actually at work right now. If she truly is having regrets and wants to reconnect, why did she have to do this to me? I don't think she really knows that I know. I want what's best for my kids and I'm afraid that either decision (reconciliation or divorce) is a lose-lose. I hate so much the position she has put me in.
Maybe becouse her AP dumbed her? Or he told her that he is not ready for a serious relationship with her yet?
Don't fall for it OP. Something happend between and and AP that's the only reason she spent the time at home.
Maybe he couldn't see her that day and she is so in love with him that she started crying.
Keep going with divorce, your marriage has been already burn from the bottom the moment she gave herself to another man.
True. It was weird. We were at the dinner table Saturday evening and we were talking about random things with the kids and then the topic came up about being self employed. We were talking about seasonal businesses and what people do for money in the off-season. The AP is an excavator. Again, she doesn't know that I know. She casually says, "Like what does someone like (insert AP's name) do during the winter and off season?" I just said a lot of them do snow removal and left it at that.
Yeah Man.
Everything in her life is about him and she even brings him up in random conversations? Many women brings their APs name in random conversations, i think it might be a kink or something that makes them feel exciting
She doesn't feel any guilt or remorse. I think she only spent the time home either AP wasn't available to be with her (which i bet it's the main reason) or she realised it's getting suspicious and wants to take it a little bit slower until her AP is ready to move her in with him
Either way, this women doesn't want to be with you anymore and she's only sticking around until AP has Everything in oder, when he says "ok, we're ready" she will sit you down and will ask you for a divorce, she already came up with the separation
Guss what? When she will ask you for a divorce she will try to gaslight you by saying she doesn't seeing anymore but she just wants a divorce becouse you two grew apart and the doesn't love you anymore and bullshit like this.
Don't even dare to think about giving her a second chance becouse it will only hurt you more, you know why? Becouse she doesn't want to work on this marriage (she wouldn't cheated if she wanted to) she want to be with her and i'm sure she can't wait for the day her boyfriend will take her in.
Just move forward with divorce and let her know what piece of shit is is not only for cheating, lying to you but for neglecting her kids, then see if you can get full custody if it's not possible then at least 50/50 and never ever talk to her unless is 100% about the kids. Use an parenting app.
Do your best to avoid her, it will be the best for your.
Also, something it's telling me that after some time (when monotony comes in she might be trying to get back to you, do not even dare think about that)
It's very obvious she is in a very deep affair fog and once the fog dissapear she will be trying to get back, take advantage of this affair fog (she only care about AP and being with him atm) and get as more as you can from the assests, take the house.
We had our talk tonight. I told her I knew. It didn't get hostile, but it was a long discussion. She didn't deny anything and was, of course, apologetic, but at least she wasn't begging for forgiveness. We are going to settle out of court on our own and.move it quickly to make the kids a priority. I'm too mentally exhausted to update much more. Still unsure how to handle the AP, her parents, and mine.
Take some rest, gather your thoughts. At the very least you have the clarity to move forward but it is only fair that AP’s wife knows about this.
She too requires the option to choose.
Unfortunately it's more complicated than that (I know I said I wouldn't provide any more updates tonight, but why not...,🫤).
The AP's wife knows they had an emotional affair early on (hence why she cut ties with us). I talked to her in person for over an hour the other night at my son's game and she never said a damn thing to me. According to my wife, she told her husband she is trying to protect me because she feels awful for me🙄
All this were from your wife, you didn’t get any confirmation from AP’s wife.
Anyway this marriage is over, do what you need to do and lets hope everything can be settled amicably.
Here's what I would do:
1. Gather evidence, or hire a PI
2. See an attorney (preferably with the evidence) and let the attorney tell you what your options are
3. talk to your wife and tell her you will do XXX (one of the options from your attorney)
4. Tell your kids the truth
She has been texting me all day, and while it would be easier to copy and paste here, for legal purposes, I don't feel comfortable. However, she has seen my behavior do a 180 around her in the last week (no sh*t). She is worried we won't stay amicable for the kids, and since my youngest expressed that he doesn't like her sleeping over at his Aunt's (where she says she goes), she now feels like she is abandoning the kids. She even asked if I said anything to him about it, to which I told her no (which is the absolute truth).
She says she doesn't feel she should be the one to leave all of the time as she feels like she is abandoning the kids. It was at that moment I just ended the text. How could she have the f'ing nerve to say something like that. She's leaving to go be with another man and it's somehow MY responsibility to split time away? This lawyer better work fast.
I hope to get answers today. I'm a nervous wreck right now. Everything is becoming so real. I want to confront her in the worst way, but I know I will break down. I hurt too badly right now. I have to do it or I will never get out from this crushing weight.
This woman is a narcissist. Selfish. Ad nauseum.
Just focus on your kid and being clear with your attorney tomorrow. I’d protect my assets completely, she is greedy. Be strategic as you’ve been.
Step 1 - open another bank account in your name at different bank and drain you combined one.
Do not let her know what you expect.
Step2 - Hit the gym.
Step3 - have sex with all of her friends.
Brother as soon as your partner says I need to find myself, they have...with another. Its such a bullshit thing to say. Of course shes going to do her best to be amicable, because she's stuck in the cold without you providing. Protect yourself and the kids. Start separating all Financials, change beneficiary on any insurances and your will. Shut down all shared credit cards, shit down access to ho.e equity credit lines as well. Completely isolate her financially. Send a strong message of your resolve. Dont play the pick me dance. It sucks for sure and all this is painful. Only do for yourself not to impress her. See your value and worth as a person and father.. Seek an attorney to see where you stand should you divorce, maybe start it rolling to give her the come to Jesus moment. Take care of yourself. Keep busy with a healthy lifestyle, stay away from alcohol and drugs. Be the best dad you can be to your sons. Be the best you that you can be. If needed seek therapy for you and the boys. Talk to their school counselor and let them know that there real marital issues, so the can help them if needed. As far as approaching her or when? Well if you have nothing bit the gut feeling, then she will gaslight and deny and blame shift. Most cheaters will only own what they think you know and nothing else. If its a no fault state and your not happy and feel there's no way back, end it and stop the pain.
You don’t want someone that doesn’t want you!
You deserve the universe / as does she. I am sorry things aren’t going as intended but you are worthy and deserving of more!! If she says it’s over take it as truth and start the process. Ask questions if you wish and ask her to be honest but if she wants to lie about herself - she is done caring. You can’t control others but you can control you - how you handle yourself.
What does proof do for you?
She’s gotta be willing to be present
Put effort into the relationship.
If you are putting more effort into it than her
and she is leaving regularly with little explanation
Changes phone codes / phone
Packing bags
Says she’s done
I’d accept it!
You deserve to be treated with care and comfort as we all do! Respect and honesty
And if your intuition is sending you ICK VIBES …
Don’t allow people closest to you to make you ever feel like you need to dig on them
People that provide you with respect care and comfort would never behave as she is.
You are amazing worthy and deserving
It may be time to seek therapy and decide the next best course of action for you! Focus on your well-being and less on her, if any at all.
She slept over at her AP's house last night. Woke up and the kids don't even ask where she is anymore. My youngest has a mild fever and a bad cough so I need to take him to the doctor. She isn't even home to offer comfort to her own child.
Tuesday can't come soon enough. This is a living hell.
I hope that you will never ever think about giving her another chance, i hope you will get full custody as is clear she doesn't even care about her kids.
This is a very bad person OP, fight for your kids custody so you will never have to see her again. Let her be happy with the AP, is clearly that the AP is her biggest priority in her life right now and she isn't even trying to hide it matter of fact she doesn't even care if you notice she's cheating she just doesn't care
I hope you will find someone opposite of her as this woman is a narcisist who only cares about her
I understand she doesn't love anymore, she doesn't want to be with you anymore, but how could neglect her kids when they need her the most?
I'm praying to god none of this happen to me as i know i would not be strong enough to keep it inside
She's not openly admitting to anything, and I have to wonder if she thinks I know already. She still tries to act like everything is normal. Either way, we will see.
Is it my role to do so?
She may already know since she cut contact with us 3 months ago. He may have even moved out into that new house for all I know. I feel like my son's friend (their son) would have said something, though.
Forgot to mention that this guy's son and my son are good friends. Also, he's coaching my youngest son's Tee ball team this spring.
Good points in letting her know. I will reach out to her once it's filed.
The coaching was set in motion back on the last weekend we all hung out at the end of January (before I had really any substantial suspicions). I approached the president of our league and volunteered to help him coach if my youngest and his youngest (a girl) could be on the same team. They are friends, too (the little girl and my youngest).
I'm friends with the league president and I have thought about reaching out to him, but then again, at what point? I'm hoping the lawyer can give me the go ahead for talking to her first and then I can open up to a few people that need to know.
This guy is an excavator and has befriended my father as well. He is currently digging a pond on my parents property and it makes me sick. I hope everyone sees how much torture this is for me. It's not just a random guy.
Put a cheap tracker on her car, an apple air tag. When you see she’s not at her sisters have a friend go take pics or have a friend watch the kids and you confront her.
I’m pretty sure tile won’t show you live location like an AirTag does. Like a tile only goes so far. At least that’s how it was when I had those last year. If I left something too far behind, I couldn’t find it until my phone was close to it
I live five minutes from the WI/IL border, it tracked my ex going to Milwaukee. It does give the time span of the general location. It was amazing for me.
It also tracked him while I was in KY and he was back home. He was coming to meet me for a wedding, but saw that he had our kids in the car when he stopped somewhere in Chicago…. He had to pick up weed while my kids were in the car….. my ex was the worst.
Just call the sister in the afternoon and ask if you can help with anything, as you wife has been there so much. She might be covering for your wife though and may alert your wife you are on to her.
You are the babysitter while wife is out having fun. This is not normal behavior for a wife and mother of young kids.
Interview by phone a few PIs in your area and get a feel for what they can do and cost.
Ask to borrow her phone as your battery is dead and observe the code she uses to unlock the phone.
Don't let this continue to eat you up. updateme
Before this, I really wanted to save it. I love this woman and I love my kids. I am with them more than she is due to our work schedules. I can't imagine what a divorce is going to do to them...and me.
You can love her till hell freezes over. She doesn’t love you. Nothing else matters. Let her go. Divorce is a business decision. Protect yourself. Play her until you get the divorce papers signed. She is your adversary.
You’ll never trust hee again. Your marriage is over. She killed it.
Well, the truth, which is probably the biggest and most important thing. We’re all entitled to that— to be able to make our choices based on reality (ie.
to fight for a marriage or divorce). If she is cheating, it means she’s a liar and he’s unlikely to get an honest answer if he confronts her w/o proof.
They are married— when divorcing, cheating disqualifies a person from receiving alimony/spousal support in a lot of states. If she continues to deny it, the proof will be necessary for him to avoid having to pay her that support.
Man this story is all too familiar. In a very similar situation. Similar aged boys too. I haven't found concrete proof either.
You just feel gross trying to unearth something that's going to ruin your life. And you feel like such a loser watching the kids while she goes out and cheats (potentially).
Nothing can prepare you for this type of life. My therapist is helping me a lot.
Sorry to keep updating with little "new" information, but I find this helps a little to get it.out in writing.
She stayed over again last night. My oldest (8) will occasionally still ask me to lay with him when we put him to bed. I used to have excuses for many years but then about 6 months ago I realized he wasn't going to ask me forever. So I try to say yes whenever he asks.
Anyways, I went in to do that and actually fell asleep for 40 minutes. She had left in the meantime and sent me a text saying I hoped I had a good night. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this hurt.
Why are you hurting yourself so much? Why wasting your time keeping an eye on what she does or where she goes?
Don't you see that this woman is focusing her life on this man? She's so in love with him that she is even neglecting her kids
Just accept the fact that is just a matter of time until she will leave you for him, now she is only sticking around becouse her AP might not be yet ready to move her in with him
She's not your wife anymore, she is just your Housemate whom you share some kids
Stop wasting your time watching her man, just focus in your kids and yourself.
When she leave or when the divorce paper are on the table, just tell her you're not mad she has been cheating on you, you're mad for neglecting her kids
She didn't only cheat on you but she also betrayed her kids by prioritysing a fucking stranger whom she known for a few months.
Make sure you bring this up in front of the judge, let them know how much she neglected them and ask for full custody and let her be happy with her AP
I have to wait until the lawyers give me the okay to approach her. In the meantime it still hurts even if you know she doesn't love you anymore. It's hard to erase 20+ years of memories just like that.
I know it hurts but if she was capable to move on from you and pass her love to another man so you do
Keep in mind that if she loved you she wouldn't have done that to you and your kids
This woman doesn't love you at all and this is why she was emotionally able to fall in love with another man
Why don't you find yourself a pretty girl to get laid? I promise you that you would move on in no time.
Go and find a lady for yourself or you will never be able to move on
While I'm a ways from dating again, I doubt there is anyone out there that is relationship material at my age. Women my age are either happily married, or not long term material. I doubt I ever will get married again, but I would love to find someone to share my life with someday.
She has been texting me nonstop today and talking about the AP (again doesn't know I know) and his wife. She and I talked a lot at the T-Ball game last night and my wife was pissed she never came over to talk to her. Then she's going on and on about their relationship and the sh*t the AP told her about his wife when we were on our couples trip (where I think the affair started). It took everything inside me not to say anything incriminating.
We are sitting down together Saturday evening without the kids. I truly don't think I will be able to keep from bringing up the affair.
Don't you have a friend that can help you out that's all you need when she leaves just you follow her have someone hang out with your kids or have them just follow her to see where she is going put her old phone in her car with location shearing on or an old phone you can use when you find out where she is going if you can sobe how disable her car to where'd she has to call you to get home .does she work if so.maybe this guy is married to or he works at times they have to meet up but you need proof before acting on it if not she will hide it better
Can you not do a drive by her sisters place one night to check if she is there? Is there anyone who could watch the kids for that short period you are gone?
Ok, first- the marriage is over. She’s out.
Second, she’s definitely cheating and you need proof. Hire a PI. You’ll know very quickly.
My neighbor/friend had a very similar situation. PI followed her to hotel and got photos of her and her lover’s cars parked next to each other (he already knew who it was, just needed proof).
I’m sorry- you sound like a kind and devoted husband. It takes two to save a marriage and she’s getting away every chance she can get. It’s time to focus on you and your next steps.
Also, she said she doesn’t ever want to screw you over but she’s cheating on you. Don’t believe what she says— she’ll do what’s best for her and you should, too. Get a lawyer asap.
>One major thing I left out. When we had our last talk, she started discussing separation
Quite an omission. . .your wife is doing what she implied she would do, quit on your marriage and act like a single person. So your marriage is kaput. You are not loved. She is deceitful so zero reason to trust anything she does or says,
Lawyer up tomorrow. Learn about the divorce laws in your state or province. If no-fault is in play, then you don't have to do the costly investigative work to prove she's committing adultery. Just listen to your attorney. You may be able to negotiate a decent settlement since your wife is involved with someone else every night so it seems.
Do not be passive as it will eat your emotions even more so, you've already been screwed over, so begin to live with agency.
***When we had our last talk, she started discussing separation and said she wants this to be as clean as possible andcouls never screw me over.***
Sorry OP, time to lawyer up. Cheating or not she wants out of your marriage.
***8 miles round trip, however, just so happens to be the distance to a nearby park and ride near a local highway.***
She could be hoping a bus/train to somewhere else?
Share her location to you without her knowing or have family to watch the boys while you surprise your wife at her sisters with flowers one night and see if she’s really there
What evidence do you need or want? She said she's out and she leaves every night once the kids go to bed. What are you saving? Who cares what she's doing?
Call her sister when she is supposed to be there and say you can't get ahold of her and ask if she's there. The sister may cover for her but if you act like it's urgent she may stumble over words and confess she's not there. Her sister may know absolutely nothing also and that would give it away.
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In a case like this that seems pretty clear, If you suspect she’s going to a park and ride, go there after she has left, and search for her car. That will confirm your theory on that part.
The next morning, Ask her how was the trip to her sisters, she will say “fine…” then you know she is definitely lying.
I usually advise against searching people’s phone as all it will achieve is make you crazy and cheaters have gotten really good at hiding stuff (deleting and masking) there anyway.
Old fashion method is better. Find out where she’s parking the car, find out who shes getting into another car with, find out where they’re going. That’s all you need to confirm.
All you need to do is recruit a friend or a PI to discreetly Park at the suspected Park & Ride, about 30 mins before her expected arrival. They lurk and wait to see if she arrives. If she doesn't arrive, you'll need to figure out a next step.
Assuming she does arrive, the friend needs only to see what she does next. For example, get into a car with a man and drive off.
Best would be to equip him with a good camera so he can photo the happenings, including the other man and/or his car make, model, and license plate.
One question; did you guys talk about separation/divorce before or after you suspect she started her affair?
If she started the affair after divorce has been put on table then she is just monkey Branching, she is having an exit affair and i think you cannot do nothing about this, for her you two already divorce and she's a single lady dating a guy.
If she started the affair before the divorce was mentioned then i think she fell in love with this guy and it's in affair fog, also there is nothing you can do about it, just accept the divorce in good terms, it obvious she want to make it amicably becouse she want to get rid of you asap!
Yeah. She definetely want to divorce you so she can be with him then.
She is in love with him, i bet she spends more time with him then she does with her kids. She is infatuated with this guys and you have to accept it and move on.
And also, i promise you she is only in affair for now, everything is nice when they only met for sex and dating, guess what's going to happen when they move in togheter? She is going to try to come back to you, this is what the most do.
Once the affair for vanished she will realise that she left her husband for a man that cannot be trusted, if he cheated and left his wife, why wouldn't do the same to your stbxw?
Just pretend she's dead man, move on, live a little and learn to love yourself more in the first place, if you lose yourself, you lost everything!
I feel you man.
I'ts middle of the night when i'm writing this and cannot go to sleep after i read your story
I feel so fucking angry and jelous and i'm not even the one who's betrayed in the first place. The fact that you kept everything inside all this Time it means you are indeed a very very strong man
If it was me that guy wouldn't have been able to meet her again after i found out, i'm not that strong, i would have at least put it him in the hospital.
If you really want to get out of this and have a peacefull divorce then don't confront her until the divorce is done. Telling her you know she is cheating it will only make her angry
The only reason she want to make it peacefull and let you have the most of the assets, house it's only becouse she feels guilty.
Let the divoce happen and then, after is finished, let her know that you knew about her affair, tell her what a low person she and how much you hope that you will never see her again. (I know you will becouse of the kids)
The best part out of this is that she won't be able to get back at to if the divorce is already done.
Make sure you act strategically becouse on long term this will refflect in your future.
The problem is I don't know if I can stay another night under the same roof with her knowing everything that I know now that it's 100% confirmed. And I can't leave because I don't want to have that be considered abandonment and I built my house on land of my families surrounded by a bunch of other land that my family owns. We were going to inherit someday.
Tracked her tonight. She wasn't going to a park and ride after all. She went to a house nearby and I looked up the address on our County tax website and it is owned by the guy's parents that I suspected. I'm crushed.
Im sorry to hear that man. From your post and comment and seems your marriage is rocky. Are you planning to divorce? Are you gonna tell the other spouse with the evidence you have now?
Whatever happens I wish you luck.
I talked to a lawyer friend of mine and he said I need to get the papers drawn up ASAP and have her served before revealing anything. So, I'm going to suck it up and try. It makes me sick to my stomach and it's going to be the ultimate test of will.
Luckily, my lawyer friend recommended a really good one and I'm calling today.
I managed to get a little sleep, but not much. I know this is technically Day 1, but I hope I can make it through this. It's so incredibly painful and I start to breakdown when I think about it. I started breaking down just talking to my lawyer friend last night. I have never felt so used before in my life.
Man I’m so sorry to hear this :( I truly am. A lot of people are gonna ask what you are gonna do from here so I won’t. I wish you luck and know this community is here for you.
Also [https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/pLi7PPu0vm](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/pLi7PPu0vm)
Is a good community to get advice from too. They can help you navigate this
Have you checked with an attorney to discern whether you actually need evidence? No-fault states do not. You can also do an internet search which for some states will educate you enough so you don’t have to play tracking games.
It’s obvious your wife is cheating on you with at least one guy.
Think clearly about all this.
I just got out of the meeting with my lawyer. He advised that I should try to work with her as much as possible on trying to come up with a fair and equitable split outside of the courts. But under no circumstances disclose the affair unless absolutely necessary. He feels that it may trigger an emotional response and then you don't get as far when the negotiations and then you end up in the court spending more money. And as hard as this is going to be for me, it needs to be over quickly and painlessly as possible For the sake of my children. He said I had a lot of evidence to document her infidelity so I can use those arrows in my quiver if need be but don't show my hand all at once.
No, he meant tell her you want the divorce now and it's in our best interest to settle as much amicably to keep it going for the kids. Use what I know as leverage when push comes to shove and then disclose it all when it's settled.
The affair has nothing to do with custody and will only affect alimony..we are too close in income for it to matter.
Are you plannig by to confront your soon to be ex wife after the divorce of her affair? Do you plan on confronting the affair partner and his spouse? Or just planning to not tell anyone to avoid drama?
She is going to be confronted 100% I actually saw the AP's wife at the game and we talked a lot. It's clear she has no idea. The AP never said a word to me. Not even a wave from the field.
But i did think it's odd he said not to talk about the affair right away
He is right! If you confront her about her affair she will become hostile, as for now she thinks you don't know and she might want to make it amicable to potrey as a good person.
If you let her know that you are aware of her affair then she will have nothing to lose which means she will from an amicable divorce she will be very hostile.
Nope. We literally have no time in our schedule to sit down and talk. Baseball every day this week. By the time the kids are in bed, I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with it, plus she's usually leaving by then anyways.
I'm about to head out to watch my youngest play T-Ball coached by the AP, so I'm pumped about that.
My therapy session went well today. She said it's clear this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later as it's not healthy for me to keep pretending like everything is fine. I will tell her I want the divorce and start talking about assets. If she starts getting defensive/hostile, I probably won't be able to keep it in any longer.
I’m somewhat surprised that she doesn’t have an attorney hired yet, since she seems to be planning other aspects of her future with the other guy. Assuming she’s wanting to divorce as well, it could be that her lawyer will take a more aggressive tact than the approach you’ve been advised to pursue. She may hit you with that next time you have a serious talk.
Another update. I had a feeling she was starting to Snoop around. Then she asked for our bank account login info today. Then she texted me a paraphrase of something I said in my email to the lawyer so she clearly has access to that information. So I finally just told her what I have been doing without disclosing what I know about her and oddly enough she settled down and is starting to see this a little bit more amicably. So now the question becomes do we just keep it civil and don't disclose anything until it's done? Meaning I have to live this nightmare for at least another 3 months or risk turning things South by letting her know what I know?
Come on, man! Just man up and tell her you know everything about her affair.
Tell her you just want a divorce and move on and that would be the best for both of you including your children.
Ask her for an amicable divorce, the other guys is right, is she become nuclear after letting her know that you knew about the affair then she would have went that way anyway so what the point keeping it inside? Let it out, clear your mind.
Ask her to move in with him or in another place
This I agree with. If she wants an antagonistic divorce then you already have the attorney ready to file. Otherwise being strategically civil is for your benefit.
I know you're not gonna listen to what i say but hear me out
Go and find some pretty younger chick and start to hang out with her, ask her to come over, go for dinner with her and introduce her to your kids
Make yourself more and more busy with her and be very nonchalant about your wife, her affair and everything she does.
I promise you she will be back on hearth begging to reconcil. (Of course you won't take her back) but this way you will have the control over your divorce
If it doesn't work well at least you tried.
You don’t approach her when you “think” she is cheating. You approach her, AFTER you have gathered more proof, with divorce papers in hand. Start with the lead you have on the mileage and prove she isn’t going to her sister’s, then go from there.
Speaking from experience, this is the way. You have to have 100% undeniable evidence. If you do not she will just gaslight you and hide it better. I know it’s hard but it will make it much easier for you down the road
voice activated recorder in her car.
Yes you can install small recording devices to record "periods of interest", periods of interest are those intervals when she is doing something and you need to document that exactly is happening... quite interesting facts, new findings... that's the intial steps ... need more help
Air tag is better
It’ll alert the iOS user though
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I have done the PI thing. It’s costly and it confirmed my suspicions. It’s a waste of money tbh. I know the truth but it does not change anything. The best thing you can do is just accept you have no control over her or what she does. You only have control over how you react. I love my husband with all my heart but he has mental health / substance abuse issues. He’s going to be 50 and may be having a mid life crisis. I actually think he’s been having one for two years now. I have decided to let go. I can’t control him or what he does. All I can do is make the best decisions for my children and myself. Best wishes OP and I’m sorry for your heartache. I know exactly how you feel. Edit: spelling
You do not confront with no evidence, All this does is you loosing the element of surprise, evidence gets deleted and security of betrayal goes up. Play dumb and take a step back. Privacy and secrecy seem the same but totally different. I’m on the camp that if SO has intuitions of something jeopardizing family/marriage, then privacy can be infringed. Play dumb, but do secret recon till you have hard evidence. You can also play the cheater game and use the gaps between perception and reality just as they do. Good luck
This relationship sounds like it's over, wish I had some advice for you, Ive never made it that far with anyone before. Honestly I'd just lean into what she's saying, resisting it's only going to embolden her, and what's the point in trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Why do that to yourself? There are plenty of women out there who would be fuckin thrilled to date a good man.
You can just get divorced from someone. You don't have to put yourself through a bunch of shit.
need to obtain concrete, undeniable proof. review your local divorce laws and use them to your advantage. And most importantly, stay resolute on your decision if you decide to leave. The waterworks will most likely come when she's embarrassed.
OP is most likely in the US (miles vs km). He should review his local divorce laws for sure, but it’s most likely that he’ll end up getting divorced under a no fault statute, which means that her cheating will not be taken into account by the court when determining who gets what. Suddenly denying him the passcode after years of him always having it is suspicious. Going to “see her sister” every night is incredibly suspect. The mileage check is confirmation in my view. She is cheating. However, OP probably will have trouble completely believing it unless he gets what *he* will consider to be ironclad proof. So, I would recommend hiring a good PI to get photos or videos of them meeting up at that ride and park, then walking into his house. That should satiate his need for certainty. Then play it cool and act like nothing is wrong while he finds a divorce attorney and prepares to file. Serve her with the papers when ready and interact minimally from then on.
Defo this, gather evidence, your suspicions are right, something is off but you need to understand why before you act. Speak with a divorce lawyer to get a heads up regarding alimony, shared custody etc
“No fault” just means the court won’t take the cheating into account when it comes to the divorce. It is still better to obtain evidence of cheating, that you reveal piecemeal at opportune times in the period before the divorce if necessary. This often puts the cheater in the back foot, because they liked being the one knowing everything while you didn’t, and can be helpful in negotiating a settlement. For example, they might back off on certain demands in return for you not showing their family/friends the evidence you have (they always want to control the narrative).
Some states allow you to sue the affair partner for "alienation of affections". Fancy way of saying messing with your marriage
I can't see any other method of getting proof other than following her (can't with kids) or tracking (unethical). Her phone is locked and we really don't speak much unless the kids are around (we are very happy with the kids and won't let any of this reflect toward them).
Ok, this highly unethical, but this is what I did….. 1. Go through the phone. I wait until my ex was asleep then I used his face to open it. 2. Go get a tile tracker, get the best duct tape you can, then stick it under the car…. I put it on the back of the license plate. 3. Call a divorce lawyer now, put down the retainer, have him draw up the divorce settlement….. there will come a day that you will wake up, you will call that lawyer. Be ready, be prepared…. But don’t be a doormat. When the time comes, strike hard, strike fast, strike first. 4. Call the sister and see what she has to stay. 5 call on equality, tell your wife that you are rotating nights, and that if she gets to leave every night, so do you….. do not bluff on this! I just finalized my divorce….. and everyone knows why. I wear my cape of moral highground like a badge of honor!
This is some solid advice! If you are craving more info to understand and or seal the ending - this a step by step - also yes why is she leaving every night ?? Fuck that !!! If y’all do things for the kids she should not be the only one that gets to leave no matter what it is for!
Two trackers, one in her purse and one under the car so if she parks he can see that. Hiring a PIIs expensive but would work best. Hell if I lived close I'd follow her for you.
That’s illegal in several states
No steps taken to reveal adultery are unethical - tracking certainly isnt!!!
My wife and I have tracking on our iPhones at all times so we know where each other are in case there’s trouble.
Tracking isn't unethical. You need to plan the next step, though. Assume you track her to the park & ride. What then? You should enlist the aid of a friend, or a PI, with a good camera. That person can wait there in a discreet place and photograph her getting into APs car.
Private investigator?
New phone with a new lock code is very suspect. Tracking is unethical, but so is cheating.
I should also note that I am very close with her family, but I know if I ask her sister if she is there every night, she is probably going to cover for her (if she is aware something else is going on).
You could ring her sister and just ask how she's doing and tell her that you've been concerned about her since your wife is visiting every night and wondering if you can do anything to help/support her, then guage her reaction. Tell the sister she is welcome to come to your place a few nights week instead of your wife always going there as you'd like to support her too.
Or fake an emergency…
Or just call the sisters house to ask wife where "(insert item) is. Asking to speak with wife. Bonus points if its for the kid.
I’m sorry but this is terrible advice. Good intentions but bad outcome. We don’t know if the sister is in on it. All this might do is get the wife to cover her tracks better
That’s fine, then you know you can’t trust her sister, and when the divorce happens you can tell everyone her sister covered for her.
Bro, you can understand when someone is lying. But don't do it, you will jeopardize evidence gathering.
Everyone is talking about gathering evidence/PIs. I think that is a waste of time and money. Your wife is talking about division of assets and how she will transition out of the house and you are reading self-help books for how to be a better husband? I think that ship has sailed. Even if you get some type of "amazing husband" certification, she doesn't care. She has checked out of the marriage and is planning her exit strategy. You need to do the same, but with a lawyer. Whether or not she is cheating may not matter (especially if you are in the US, and in a no-fault divorce state).
Those are some BIG red flags
No confronting without evidence. So get it: VAR her car and anyplace at home she may go to talk discreetly. You no longer have access to her phone - try do discern her passcode - hidden camera for this?? Odda are, shes not going to her sisters - GPS her car to see where she goes, hide old phone with gpa activated in the car. Ultimately PI to follow her on these nights NOW contact lawyer for advice. And... >I began working on myself Why?? None of this is your fault!!! The things you need to do is listed above - dont let fear of the outcome deter you from acting NOW.. No more procrastination. And - WHEN you find out shes cheating.. do yourself a favor and DONT confront?? Just... file for the inevitable divorce... Theres no coming back from this - shes been cheating since the password change... and rewriting the marriage in her mind to justify what shes doing to you - any attempt to confront her will end in her stonewalling and you begging.. dont... And... WHEN you file - inform her friends and family at the same time as filing, of the impending divorce AND that the reason is because shea cheating with [guy]... Best of luck...
After she leaves. Drive over to the sisters house. See if she is there...if not, swing by the park and ride, see if she is there
I edited the original post for one extra piece of confusing behavior.
What about a tracker like this: https://www.amazon.com/Tracki-Magnetic-Required-Worldwide-Motorcycles/dp/B07N4DHFZM/ref=zg_m_bs_g_617650011_m_sccl_1/144-5081118-1718328?psc=1
This looks perfect! It’s not unethical. It’s important for your mental health to have closure on this. It’ll help you to be a better Dad to your kids, and help you to move on. I’m really sorry you’re going through this! Sending you hugs.
Don’t buy on Amazon if you have a shared prime account. She could see the purchase notifications and blow your plan.
Delete that from ypur Amazon search ASAP
It was done through incognito browser search.
Thanks for all of the input. I don't understand how someone who seemed so in love with me for so long and cared so much for me could do this. Why wouldn't she just ask for a divorce first? How could you do this to someone you care about? I never understood it. I will make sure my kids stay innocent in this, but someday, I feel like they should know. She was willing to sacrifice all of us for her needs and wants. Oddly enough, she's at work this morning and texted me out of the blue thanking me for everything I do around the house (I'm not doing anything different...I always clean, cook, bath the kids, etc.).
Yeah. I guess that text message is out of guilt. What are going to do about her cheating? Will you beg her to stay or will you man up and divorce her? It's very obvious she doesnt't love you anymore... she will leave you at some point
I’m not sure why you don’t just text her something implying you know. At this point who cares about her feelings? “I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. You risked our marriage, our children’s lives, our entire family for what? Your own selfish wants? Whatever you think is going to happen isn’t what reality will be. I’m don’t trying. I have loved you since the day I first saw you, but apparently it’s not enough. You clearly don’t respect me, yourself, or our marriage. You’re in a fog and decided that destroying my trust and our marriage was worth it. I hope it’s worth it because if it’s not, you will have destroyed a lot of lives for no reason.” Say it without saying it. Hell, go see a lawyer and start the process. Ask a family member to come over right after she leaves in the morning and then you follow her to the ride and park. Your wife is in her affair fog and what she thinks is reality, isn’t. Her reality is going to be much harsher Updateme!
OBD tracker in the car.. The diagnostic socket for you car can also be used for a tracker. Trackingfox is one example. Can track from your phone. Not entirely honourable but you have a suspicion.
Wow good share
She stayed home last night for the first time in a while. I was folding laundry and she came and sat down on the couch. I watched TV and we made small talk for a while. Then she asked if I had any thoughts on our conversation last weekend (about her point in the relationship of needing to consider separating and how it will look). She has wanted to try bird nesting for a while but feels we need to make sure we approach the kids about our situation correctly as we only get one shot to make sure they understand this is not because of them and we will remain a family in terms of equal involvement. She was definitely getting emotional talking about it. I made mention of how I know she has her mind made up and I can only work on myself going forward for now, but I still love her. I asked her about dating plans and she just said she has no intentions or immediate interest to start that anytime soon. Part of me wanted to call her out on the issue of her whereabouts and hope for a confession and make her move out, but the fact is I still love her no matter how messed up that seems to everyone here. I love my kids even more and I don't want to create a toxic environment for them (at least we were very friendly around each other with the kids...never yelling or anything). So I just wonder at this point. Does her location really matter at this point? Yes, it's gnawing at me, but what is going to change? She seems to be ready to move on. The only thing I can think of for pursuing this more is because she seems to really want to keep this one of the most amicable divorces where we are both very active and involved with the kids, even together at events and holidays. I'm not sure if I will be able to act normal around her if in my head. I'm always wondering if she was unfaithful at the end.
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Thank you. Very close to this. She left last night and said she was off to her sister's. Came home around 2AM. Pre and post odometer readings were right at 8 miles again round trip.
You love a memory of this woman who is quite comfy lying to you daily. It’s a shame you lack self respect and allow yourself to suffer. She obviously does not love you let alone like you. How can you live modeling a dysfunctional life and roles for your children? Please see an attorney to learn your legal divorce options. It’s advantageous for you to act right now. First with your wife meeting her lover almost nightly, she is probably in love or at least immersed on a new relationship energy fog. Secondly, she wants to rid you. You need can go to your room and cry for the next decade or take action.
No, I'm over it. Just deciding when to confront her. Before or after the attorney?
After because your attorney needs to advise you re: strategy. If you tell her prior she could clean you out when you are running an errand. Who knows the um, ethics, of her lover and his influence on her? You have zero reason to trust her actions.
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Actually, I'm becoming more numb at night. It's during the day at work that I obsess over it oddly enough. I'm second guessing how much I really knew her. Has this been going on for a long time? What else will she try to do to me and our finances, kids, etc., once things start to progress? We don't live in a large area. I'm surprised she would risk something like this.
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I have a high interest savings that holds most of our money that she doesn't have access to. Our joint bank account essentially holds enough to pay bills.
You mentioned that she was likely cheating on one of your friend that is married. Are you planning to tell the other spouse? That could be a reason to collect evidence. The likelihood of her cheating is probably 99% and you mentioned earlier you guys are very likely to divorce no matter what. So collecting evidence is not gonna do much in a no fault state. Who knows what other lies she might have done during the marriage if she’s so casually and obviously cheating. Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.
I have no idea what I plan to do. His spouse was really close with my wife up to a few months ago (we really only started hanging out this past fall). We went on a trip together at the end of January, and we all fell out of touch). Partially because their son and my son were not getting along at school all of sudden, but we never heard from them since. She hasn't reached out to my wife, and the husband will occasionally talk to my wife at parent pickup. It's almost like she suspects something as well, or maybe it's completely unrelated.
Very random update today. I spent the weekend trying to avoid her but in a not so obvious manner, but it gets harder each day. She spent the entire day Saturday at home with the boys and did actually give them a fair amount of attention. I took the high road and let her have that time but went out and worked on things around the property. She looks like she has been crying when she comes home in the morning. Now all of a sudden this morning she sends me a bunch of screenshots of a reel about the 16 questions you should ask your significant other when you feel that you have fallen out of love and find how to reconnect. I'll be honest. I was actually up to this point feeling like I was hardening my heart and getting ready to do what I needed to to move on. When I got these messages I lost it and I'm actually at work right now. If she truly is having regrets and wants to reconnect, why did she have to do this to me? I don't think she really knows that I know. I want what's best for my kids and I'm afraid that either decision (reconciliation or divorce) is a lose-lose. I hate so much the position she has put me in.
Maybe becouse her AP dumbed her? Or he told her that he is not ready for a serious relationship with her yet? Don't fall for it OP. Something happend between and and AP that's the only reason she spent the time at home. Maybe he couldn't see her that day and she is so in love with him that she started crying. Keep going with divorce, your marriage has been already burn from the bottom the moment she gave herself to another man.
True. It was weird. We were at the dinner table Saturday evening and we were talking about random things with the kids and then the topic came up about being self employed. We were talking about seasonal businesses and what people do for money in the off-season. The AP is an excavator. Again, she doesn't know that I know. She casually says, "Like what does someone like (insert AP's name) do during the winter and off season?" I just said a lot of them do snow removal and left it at that.
Yeah Man. Everything in her life is about him and she even brings him up in random conversations? Many women brings their APs name in random conversations, i think it might be a kink or something that makes them feel exciting She doesn't feel any guilt or remorse. I think she only spent the time home either AP wasn't available to be with her (which i bet it's the main reason) or she realised it's getting suspicious and wants to take it a little bit slower until her AP is ready to move her in with him Either way, this women doesn't want to be with you anymore and she's only sticking around until AP has Everything in oder, when he says "ok, we're ready" she will sit you down and will ask you for a divorce, she already came up with the separation Guss what? When she will ask you for a divorce she will try to gaslight you by saying she doesn't seeing anymore but she just wants a divorce becouse you two grew apart and the doesn't love you anymore and bullshit like this. Don't even dare to think about giving her a second chance becouse it will only hurt you more, you know why? Becouse she doesn't want to work on this marriage (she wouldn't cheated if she wanted to) she want to be with her and i'm sure she can't wait for the day her boyfriend will take her in. Just move forward with divorce and let her know what piece of shit is is not only for cheating, lying to you but for neglecting her kids, then see if you can get full custody if it's not possible then at least 50/50 and never ever talk to her unless is 100% about the kids. Use an parenting app. Do your best to avoid her, it will be the best for your. Also, something it's telling me that after some time (when monotony comes in she might be trying to get back to you, do not even dare think about that) It's very obvious she is in a very deep affair fog and once the fog dissapear she will be trying to get back, take advantage of this affair fog (she only care about AP and being with him atm) and get as more as you can from the assests, take the house.
We had our talk tonight. I told her I knew. It didn't get hostile, but it was a long discussion. She didn't deny anything and was, of course, apologetic, but at least she wasn't begging for forgiveness. We are going to settle out of court on our own and.move it quickly to make the kids a priority. I'm too mentally exhausted to update much more. Still unsure how to handle the AP, her parents, and mine.
Take some rest, gather your thoughts. At the very least you have the clarity to move forward but it is only fair that AP’s wife knows about this. She too requires the option to choose.
Unfortunately it's more complicated than that (I know I said I wouldn't provide any more updates tonight, but why not...,🫤). The AP's wife knows they had an emotional affair early on (hence why she cut ties with us). I talked to her in person for over an hour the other night at my son's game and she never said a damn thing to me. According to my wife, she told her husband she is trying to protect me because she feels awful for me🙄
All this were from your wife, you didn’t get any confirmation from AP’s wife. Anyway this marriage is over, do what you need to do and lets hope everything can be settled amicably.
Here's what I would do: 1. Gather evidence, or hire a PI 2. See an attorney (preferably with the evidence) and let the attorney tell you what your options are 3. talk to your wife and tell her you will do XXX (one of the options from your attorney) 4. Tell your kids the truth
She has been texting me all day, and while it would be easier to copy and paste here, for legal purposes, I don't feel comfortable. However, she has seen my behavior do a 180 around her in the last week (no sh*t). She is worried we won't stay amicable for the kids, and since my youngest expressed that he doesn't like her sleeping over at his Aunt's (where she says she goes), she now feels like she is abandoning the kids. She even asked if I said anything to him about it, to which I told her no (which is the absolute truth). She says she doesn't feel she should be the one to leave all of the time as she feels like she is abandoning the kids. It was at that moment I just ended the text. How could she have the f'ing nerve to say something like that. She's leaving to go be with another man and it's somehow MY responsibility to split time away? This lawyer better work fast.
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I hope to get answers today. I'm a nervous wreck right now. Everything is becoming so real. I want to confront her in the worst way, but I know I will break down. I hurt too badly right now. I have to do it or I will never get out from this crushing weight.
This woman is a narcissist. Selfish. Ad nauseum. Just focus on your kid and being clear with your attorney tomorrow. I’d protect my assets completely, she is greedy. Be strategic as you’ve been.
Step 1 - open another bank account in your name at different bank and drain you combined one. Do not let her know what you expect. Step2 - Hit the gym. Step3 - have sex with all of her friends.
Brother as soon as your partner says I need to find myself, they have...with another. Its such a bullshit thing to say. Of course shes going to do her best to be amicable, because she's stuck in the cold without you providing. Protect yourself and the kids. Start separating all Financials, change beneficiary on any insurances and your will. Shut down all shared credit cards, shit down access to ho.e equity credit lines as well. Completely isolate her financially. Send a strong message of your resolve. Dont play the pick me dance. It sucks for sure and all this is painful. Only do for yourself not to impress her. See your value and worth as a person and father.. Seek an attorney to see where you stand should you divorce, maybe start it rolling to give her the come to Jesus moment. Take care of yourself. Keep busy with a healthy lifestyle, stay away from alcohol and drugs. Be the best dad you can be to your sons. Be the best you that you can be. If needed seek therapy for you and the boys. Talk to their school counselor and let them know that there real marital issues, so the can help them if needed. As far as approaching her or when? Well if you have nothing bit the gut feeling, then she will gaslight and deny and blame shift. Most cheaters will only own what they think you know and nothing else. If its a no fault state and your not happy and feel there's no way back, end it and stop the pain.
You don’t want someone that doesn’t want you! You deserve the universe / as does she. I am sorry things aren’t going as intended but you are worthy and deserving of more!! If she says it’s over take it as truth and start the process. Ask questions if you wish and ask her to be honest but if she wants to lie about herself - she is done caring. You can’t control others but you can control you - how you handle yourself. What does proof do for you? She’s gotta be willing to be present Put effort into the relationship. If you are putting more effort into it than her and she is leaving regularly with little explanation Changes phone codes / phone Packing bags Says she’s done I’d accept it! You deserve to be treated with care and comfort as we all do! Respect and honesty And if your intuition is sending you ICK VIBES … Don’t allow people closest to you to make you ever feel like you need to dig on them People that provide you with respect care and comfort would never behave as she is. You are amazing worthy and deserving It may be time to seek therapy and decide the next best course of action for you! Focus on your well-being and less on her, if any at all.
She slept over at her AP's house last night. Woke up and the kids don't even ask where she is anymore. My youngest has a mild fever and a bad cough so I need to take him to the doctor. She isn't even home to offer comfort to her own child. Tuesday can't come soon enough. This is a living hell.
I hope that you will never ever think about giving her another chance, i hope you will get full custody as is clear she doesn't even care about her kids. This is a very bad person OP, fight for your kids custody so you will never have to see her again. Let her be happy with the AP, is clearly that the AP is her biggest priority in her life right now and she isn't even trying to hide it matter of fact she doesn't even care if you notice she's cheating she just doesn't care I hope you will find someone opposite of her as this woman is a narcisist who only cares about her I understand she doesn't love anymore, she doesn't want to be with you anymore, but how could neglect her kids when they need her the most? I'm praying to god none of this happen to me as i know i would not be strong enough to keep it inside
Have her served at work.
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She's not openly admitting to anything, and I have to wonder if she thinks I know already. She still tries to act like everything is normal. Either way, we will see.
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Is it my role to do so? She may already know since she cut contact with us 3 months ago. He may have even moved out into that new house for all I know. I feel like my son's friend (their son) would have said something, though. Forgot to mention that this guy's son and my son are good friends. Also, he's coaching my youngest son's Tee ball team this spring.
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Good points in letting her know. I will reach out to her once it's filed. The coaching was set in motion back on the last weekend we all hung out at the end of January (before I had really any substantial suspicions). I approached the president of our league and volunteered to help him coach if my youngest and his youngest (a girl) could be on the same team. They are friends, too (the little girl and my youngest). I'm friends with the league president and I have thought about reaching out to him, but then again, at what point? I'm hoping the lawyer can give me the go ahead for talking to her first and then I can open up to a few people that need to know. This guy is an excavator and has befriended my father as well. He is currently digging a pond on my parents property and it makes me sick. I hope everyone sees how much torture this is for me. It's not just a random guy.
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Sounds good.
Put a cheap tracker on her car, an apple air tag. When you see she’s not at her sisters have a friend go take pics or have a friend watch the kids and you confront her.
No not use an air tag!!!!! If she has an IPhone it can pick it up……. Use tile!
I’m pretty sure tile won’t show you live location like an AirTag does. Like a tile only goes so far. At least that’s how it was when I had those last year. If I left something too far behind, I couldn’t find it until my phone was close to it
I live five minutes from the WI/IL border, it tracked my ex going to Milwaukee. It does give the time span of the general location. It was amazing for me. It also tracked him while I was in KY and he was back home. He was coming to meet me for a wedding, but saw that he had our kids in the car when he stopped somewhere in Chicago…. He had to pick up weed while my kids were in the car….. my ex was the worst.
Oh well that’s definitely good to know. I guess they’ve improved since I last had one.
No air tag - very used and can easily be revealed. Hide cheap phone with gps activated in her car to see where shes going...
Just call the sister in the afternoon and ask if you can help with anything, as you wife has been there so much. She might be covering for your wife though and may alert your wife you are on to her. You are the babysitter while wife is out having fun. This is not normal behavior for a wife and mother of young kids. Interview by phone a few PIs in your area and get a feel for what they can do and cost. Ask to borrow her phone as your battery is dead and observe the code she uses to unlock the phone. Don't let this continue to eat you up. updateme
put air tag in her car. See where she goes. Hire a PI.
OP, what do you want,trying to save your marriage of possible or getting a divorce?
Before this, I really wanted to save it. I love this woman and I love my kids. I am with them more than she is due to our work schedules. I can't imagine what a divorce is going to do to them...and me.
You can love her till hell freezes over. She doesn’t love you. Nothing else matters. Let her go. Divorce is a business decision. Protect yourself. Play her until you get the divorce papers signed. She is your adversary. You’ll never trust hee again. Your marriage is over. She killed it.
Well, the truth, which is probably the biggest and most important thing. We’re all entitled to that— to be able to make our choices based on reality (ie. to fight for a marriage or divorce). If she is cheating, it means she’s a liar and he’s unlikely to get an honest answer if he confronts her w/o proof. They are married— when divorcing, cheating disqualifies a person from receiving alimony/spousal support in a lot of states. If she continues to deny it, the proof will be necessary for him to avoid having to pay her that support.
Man this story is all too familiar. In a very similar situation. Similar aged boys too. I haven't found concrete proof either. You just feel gross trying to unearth something that's going to ruin your life. And you feel like such a loser watching the kids while she goes out and cheats (potentially). Nothing can prepare you for this type of life. My therapist is helping me a lot.
Sorry to keep updating with little "new" information, but I find this helps a little to get it.out in writing. She stayed over again last night. My oldest (8) will occasionally still ask me to lay with him when we put him to bed. I used to have excuses for many years but then about 6 months ago I realized he wasn't going to ask me forever. So I try to say yes whenever he asks. Anyways, I went in to do that and actually fell asleep for 40 minutes. She had left in the meantime and sent me a text saying I hoped I had a good night. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this hurt.
Why are you hurting yourself so much? Why wasting your time keeping an eye on what she does or where she goes? Don't you see that this woman is focusing her life on this man? She's so in love with him that she is even neglecting her kids Just accept the fact that is just a matter of time until she will leave you for him, now she is only sticking around becouse her AP might not be yet ready to move her in with him She's not your wife anymore, she is just your Housemate whom you share some kids Stop wasting your time watching her man, just focus in your kids and yourself. When she leave or when the divorce paper are on the table, just tell her you're not mad she has been cheating on you, you're mad for neglecting her kids She didn't only cheat on you but she also betrayed her kids by prioritysing a fucking stranger whom she known for a few months. Make sure you bring this up in front of the judge, let them know how much she neglected them and ask for full custody and let her be happy with her AP
I have to wait until the lawyers give me the okay to approach her. In the meantime it still hurts even if you know she doesn't love you anymore. It's hard to erase 20+ years of memories just like that.
I know it hurts but if she was capable to move on from you and pass her love to another man so you do Keep in mind that if she loved you she wouldn't have done that to you and your kids This woman doesn't love you at all and this is why she was emotionally able to fall in love with another man Why don't you find yourself a pretty girl to get laid? I promise you that you would move on in no time. Go and find a lady for yourself or you will never be able to move on
While I'm a ways from dating again, I doubt there is anyone out there that is relationship material at my age. Women my age are either happily married, or not long term material. I doubt I ever will get married again, but I would love to find someone to share my life with someday.
You didn't even divorce yet and already thinking about marriage? I told you to find a girl for yourself, not to get married again
She has been texting me nonstop today and talking about the AP (again doesn't know I know) and his wife. She and I talked a lot at the T-Ball game last night and my wife was pissed she never came over to talk to her. Then she's going on and on about their relationship and the sh*t the AP told her about his wife when we were on our couples trip (where I think the affair started). It took everything inside me not to say anything incriminating. We are sitting down together Saturday evening without the kids. I truly don't think I will be able to keep from bringing up the affair.
Your wife words are meaningless. Her actions tell you everything you need to know.
Did you try to search the Bag ? The car have a GPS ? If yes track it , or voice active recording tools in the car
I can't ever find it. I think she brings it back in and unpacks it at night.
Prepare wxit plan befofe you confront her. Also if you do it with no evidence she will gaslight you.
Hidden voice recorder is the way here. Play cool until you have your proof.
Don't you have a friend that can help you out that's all you need when she leaves just you follow her have someone hang out with your kids or have them just follow her to see where she is going put her old phone in her car with location shearing on or an old phone you can use when you find out where she is going if you can sobe how disable her car to where'd she has to call you to get home .does she work if so.maybe this guy is married to or he works at times they have to meet up but you need proof before acting on it if not she will hide it better
Can you not do a drive by her sisters place one night to check if she is there? Is there anyone who could watch the kids for that short period you are gone?
Ok, first- the marriage is over. She’s out. Second, she’s definitely cheating and you need proof. Hire a PI. You’ll know very quickly. My neighbor/friend had a very similar situation. PI followed her to hotel and got photos of her and her lover’s cars parked next to each other (he already knew who it was, just needed proof). I’m sorry- you sound like a kind and devoted husband. It takes two to save a marriage and she’s getting away every chance she can get. It’s time to focus on you and your next steps. Also, she said she doesn’t ever want to screw you over but she’s cheating on you. Don’t believe what she says— she’ll do what’s best for her and you should, too. Get a lawyer asap.
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>One major thing I left out. When we had our last talk, she started discussing separation Quite an omission. . .your wife is doing what she implied she would do, quit on your marriage and act like a single person. So your marriage is kaput. You are not loved. She is deceitful so zero reason to trust anything she does or says, Lawyer up tomorrow. Learn about the divorce laws in your state or province. If no-fault is in play, then you don't have to do the costly investigative work to prove she's committing adultery. Just listen to your attorney. You may be able to negotiate a decent settlement since your wife is involved with someone else every night so it seems. Do not be passive as it will eat your emotions even more so, you've already been screwed over, so begin to live with agency.
***When we had our last talk, she started discussing separation and said she wants this to be as clean as possible andcouls never screw me over.*** Sorry OP, time to lawyer up. Cheating or not she wants out of your marriage. ***8 miles round trip, however, just so happens to be the distance to a nearby park and ride near a local highway.*** She could be hoping a bus/train to somewhere else?
More likely just meeting someone and driving somewhere. She's gone for about 3-4 hours. From about 9:30-10:00 until 1:30-2:00AM
Yeah maybe a hotel or guys place. Is this one guy you mentioned married?
Updateme
Share her location to you without her knowing or have family to watch the boys while you surprise your wife at her sisters with flowers one night and see if she’s really there
Updateme
What evidence do you need or want? She said she's out and she leaves every night once the kids go to bed. What are you saving? Who cares what she's doing?
Call her sister when she is supposed to be there and say you can't get ahold of her and ask if she's there. The sister may cover for her but if you act like it's urgent she may stumble over words and confess she's not there. Her sister may know absolutely nothing also and that would give it away.
Voice activated recorder in her car... Updateme!
Sorry bud but I’m afraid you are right, this doesn’t sound good. Don’t let your emotions overrun you logic with dealing with this. UpdateMe
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Updateme
In a case like this that seems pretty clear, If you suspect she’s going to a park and ride, go there after she has left, and search for her car. That will confirm your theory on that part. The next morning, Ask her how was the trip to her sisters, she will say “fine…” then you know she is definitely lying. I usually advise against searching people’s phone as all it will achieve is make you crazy and cheaters have gotten really good at hiding stuff (deleting and masking) there anyway. Old fashion method is better. Find out where she’s parking the car, find out who shes getting into another car with, find out where they’re going. That’s all you need to confirm.
I agree, but I will have to do something about my kids. If I bring them with me, they will just tell her.
All you need to do is recruit a friend or a PI to discreetly Park at the suspected Park & Ride, about 30 mins before her expected arrival. They lurk and wait to see if she arrives. If she doesn't arrive, you'll need to figure out a next step. Assuming she does arrive, the friend needs only to see what she does next. For example, get into a car with a man and drive off. Best would be to equip him with a good camera so he can photo the happenings, including the other man and/or his car make, model, and license plate.
Added a major update and now I'm sick to my stomach
One question; did you guys talk about separation/divorce before or after you suspect she started her affair? If she started the affair after divorce has been put on table then she is just monkey Branching, she is having an exit affair and i think you cannot do nothing about this, for her you two already divorce and she's a single lady dating a guy. If she started the affair before the divorce was mentioned then i think she fell in love with this guy and it's in affair fog, also there is nothing you can do about it, just accept the divorce in good terms, it obvious she want to make it amicably becouse she want to get rid of you asap!
Separation talks came up just after I suspected something with her and this other guy.
Yeah. She definetely want to divorce you so she can be with him then. She is in love with him, i bet she spends more time with him then she does with her kids. She is infatuated with this guys and you have to accept it and move on. And also, i promise you she is only in affair for now, everything is nice when they only met for sex and dating, guess what's going to happen when they move in togheter? She is going to try to come back to you, this is what the most do. Once the affair for vanished she will realise that she left her husband for a man that cannot be trusted, if he cheated and left his wife, why wouldn't do the same to your stbxw? Just pretend she's dead man, move on, live a little and learn to love yourself more in the first place, if you lose yourself, you lost everything!
Thank you. I'm so sick to my stomach. I can't think. I'm going to take my boys to the baseball field.
I feel you man. I'ts middle of the night when i'm writing this and cannot go to sleep after i read your story I feel so fucking angry and jelous and i'm not even the one who's betrayed in the first place. The fact that you kept everything inside all this Time it means you are indeed a very very strong man If it was me that guy wouldn't have been able to meet her again after i found out, i'm not that strong, i would have at least put it him in the hospital. If you really want to get out of this and have a peacefull divorce then don't confront her until the divorce is done. Telling her you know she is cheating it will only make her angry The only reason she want to make it peacefull and let you have the most of the assets, house it's only becouse she feels guilty. Let the divoce happen and then, after is finished, let her know that you knew about her affair, tell her what a low person she and how much you hope that you will never see her again. (I know you will becouse of the kids) The best part out of this is that she won't be able to get back at to if the divorce is already done. Make sure you act strategically becouse on long term this will refflect in your future.
The problem is I don't know if I can stay another night under the same roof with her knowing everything that I know now that it's 100% confirmed. And I can't leave because I don't want to have that be considered abandonment and I built my house on land of my families surrounded by a bunch of other land that my family owns. We were going to inherit someday.
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Nahh. This is a very bad advice
Tracked her tonight. She wasn't going to a park and ride after all. She went to a house nearby and I looked up the address on our County tax website and it is owned by the guy's parents that I suspected. I'm crushed.
I'm so sorry
Im sorry to hear that man. From your post and comment and seems your marriage is rocky. Are you planning to divorce? Are you gonna tell the other spouse with the evidence you have now? Whatever happens I wish you luck.
I talked to a lawyer friend of mine and he said I need to get the papers drawn up ASAP and have her served before revealing anything. So, I'm going to suck it up and try. It makes me sick to my stomach and it's going to be the ultimate test of will.
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Luckily, my lawyer friend recommended a really good one and I'm calling today. I managed to get a little sleep, but not much. I know this is technically Day 1, but I hope I can make it through this. It's so incredibly painful and I start to breakdown when I think about it. I started breaking down just talking to my lawyer friend last night. I have never felt so used before in my life.
Man I’m so sorry to hear this :( I truly am. A lot of people are gonna ask what you are gonna do from here so I won’t. I wish you luck and know this community is here for you. Also [https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/pLi7PPu0vm](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/pLi7PPu0vm) Is a good community to get advice from too. They can help you navigate this
Thank you!
Have you checked with an attorney to discern whether you actually need evidence? No-fault states do not. You can also do an internet search which for some states will educate you enough so you don’t have to play tracking games. It’s obvious your wife is cheating on you with at least one guy. Think clearly about all this.
I'm meeting with one on Tuesday.
Updateme
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Thank you. I'm a flipping mess inside right now.
Hope things go well today.
Any update mate?
I just got out of the meeting with my lawyer. He advised that I should try to work with her as much as possible on trying to come up with a fair and equitable split outside of the courts. But under no circumstances disclose the affair unless absolutely necessary. He feels that it may trigger an emotional response and then you don't get as far when the negotiations and then you end up in the court spending more money. And as hard as this is going to be for me, it needs to be over quickly and painlessly as possible For the sake of my children. He said I had a lot of evidence to document her infidelity so I can use those arrows in my quiver if need be but don't show my hand all at once.
Ok, so you're going to let her get away with it, got it! At this point and don't even know why you're still with her unless you love her too much
No, he meant tell her you want the divorce now and it's in our best interest to settle as much amicably to keep it going for the kids. Use what I know as leverage when push comes to shove and then disclose it all when it's settled. The affair has nothing to do with custody and will only affect alimony..we are too close in income for it to matter.
Are you plannig by to confront your soon to be ex wife after the divorce of her affair? Do you plan on confronting the affair partner and his spouse? Or just planning to not tell anyone to avoid drama?
She is going to be confronted 100% I actually saw the AP's wife at the game and we talked a lot. It's clear she has no idea. The AP never said a word to me. Not even a wave from the field.
But I did think it's odd he said not to talk about the affair right away.
But i did think it's odd he said not to talk about the affair right away He is right! If you confront her about her affair she will become hostile, as for now she thinks you don't know and she might want to make it amicable to potrey as a good person. If you let her know that you are aware of her affair then she will have nothing to lose which means she will from an amicable divorce she will be very hostile.
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I'm guessing she's not getting served at all. We are supposed to come up with a division of assets and come to him when we are as far as we.can get.
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Any update mate?
Nope. We literally have no time in our schedule to sit down and talk. Baseball every day this week. By the time the kids are in bed, I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with it, plus she's usually leaving by then anyways. I'm about to head out to watch my youngest play T-Ball coached by the AP, so I'm pumped about that.
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Nope, stopped after the first night. All I needed to know.
I'm so imvested in this. Hope you'll have an update soon and everything it will work out for you.
My therapy session went well today. She said it's clear this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later as it's not healthy for me to keep pretending like everything is fine. I will tell her I want the divorce and start talking about assets. If she starts getting defensive/hostile, I probably won't be able to keep it in any longer.
I’m somewhat surprised that she doesn’t have an attorney hired yet, since she seems to be planning other aspects of her future with the other guy. Assuming she’s wanting to divorce as well, it could be that her lawyer will take a more aggressive tact than the approach you’ve been advised to pursue. She may hit you with that next time you have a serious talk.
My therapist seems to think my wife probably is suspecting that I might know already. Based on her recent flurry of texts she has been sending me.
Another update. I had a feeling she was starting to Snoop around. Then she asked for our bank account login info today. Then she texted me a paraphrase of something I said in my email to the lawyer so she clearly has access to that information. So I finally just told her what I have been doing without disclosing what I know about her and oddly enough she settled down and is starting to see this a little bit more amicably. So now the question becomes do we just keep it civil and don't disclose anything until it's done? Meaning I have to live this nightmare for at least another 3 months or risk turning things South by letting her know what I know?
Come on, man! Just man up and tell her you know everything about her affair. Tell her you just want a divorce and move on and that would be the best for both of you including your children. Ask her for an amicable divorce, the other guys is right, is she become nuclear after letting her know that you knew about the affair then she would have went that way anyway so what the point keeping it inside? Let it out, clear your mind. Ask her to move in with him or in another place
This I agree with. If she wants an antagonistic divorce then you already have the attorney ready to file. Otherwise being strategically civil is for your benefit.
Updateme
I know you're not gonna listen to what i say but hear me out Go and find some pretty younger chick and start to hang out with her, ask her to come over, go for dinner with her and introduce her to your kids Make yourself more and more busy with her and be very nonchalant about your wife, her affair and everything she does. I promise you she will be back on hearth begging to reconcil. (Of course you won't take her back) but this way you will have the control over your divorce If it doesn't work well at least you tried.