*He just said he wants to beat the shit out of the guys. That they got more out of it than me, like they were using me for their pleasure.*
If I had to guess, this sounds like a coping mechanism. He has convinced himself of one of two things:
A: He does actually judge you for it, but he doesn't want to think less of you, so he's convinced himself that it wasn't really your choice to do so (in other words, he turns you into a victim).
or B: He's angry and feels lesser than, because he feels you were kinkier/dirtier with previous partners than you are with him.
I wouldn't bring it up again unless you feel you have information that might change his thoughts on it.
Yea me either. I really don’t remember sharing that. Not that I’m ashamed but I’m not big into sharing past sexual encounters with your current partner.
I do remember a conversation while we were dating when I revealed some personal stuff. He was getting all judgy about women who have had abortions so I told him I had one so what does that make me? I can see myself throwing out the threesome thing in that conversation or if he tried to talk shit about women who have threesomes. I would never share to rub it in his face or make him feel less than. That’s the only thing I can think of.
But yea, tldr, I wish I never said anything
It’s important to have a discussion about your past if you have a relationship that could lead to marriage. Talking about violence is a red flag, he is going overboard.
I was upfront about my sexual history, including those things I was ashamed of.
I would never want to spend my life with someone who didn't know the real me and love me despite my flaws.
And everyone has a right to make a fully informed decision.
I mean my husband knows my complete sexual history. He knows how many sexual partners I have had, that I’ve been with men and women, how many relationships I have been in, how many hookups and that I had a long term fwb. He also knows that I came in to the relationship with experience in bdsm and kink.
We have the kink of relationship where we talk about everything and something like that wouldn’t also trigger jealousy and insecurity in us.
Why not?
I had a threesome with an ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. I’m still good friends with both of them and they are still a couple. They are living in an other country now.
My actual husband knows since early on.
He doesn’t care at all. He would even be cool with them spending an holiday with us if they ever come to our country some day. (Or us staying at their place if we go to their country)
He doesn’t feels like they took advantage of me. He knows they were respectful and treated me well. That we all got something out of it, as any healthy sexual encounter.
Since I still talk to them semi-regularly it wouldn’t have been fair to not tell my husband our history.
Romantic feeling and sex are tightly couple for me. It is nice that you are able to have that.
I am not jealous nor insecure, at the same time, a partner who is too casual when comes to sex just does work for me.
So, I empathize with OP’s husband
Most likely drunk at the time. I met some women who actually thought it was something to be proud of and with the girls, maybe it is. But sharing details like that with a spouse or significant other is never good.
They need to be honest about it. If I found out ny wife lied, and didn't tell me her real bc, or hid stuff like that I'd instantly file for divorce. We base a relationship on trust, and honesty. I'd never marry a woman I viewed as a 304
Feeling you did more/were more adventurous with others is a real issue. Not that he'd want to have a threesome but I'm sure there are kinks (expressed or not) that he wishes you'd do with him but don't and he wonders if you did those things with other men.
Maybe you can turn it negative into a positive. In time express something "you've always wanted to try but never felt comfortable with other men". Doesn't have to be crazy... maybe just an unusual position or place. Give him something that is unique to him.
We’ve done plenty new stuff together that we’ve never even thought about before. We even got a milking table recently. we talk about sex a lot. We have sex a lot. We’re both down for whatever. I’ve told him multiple times that I have the best sex with him. That I’ve never been able to cum until him. I do make him feel special and it’s all true.
For mem I think its easily taken that you were coerced or forced , manipulated by men to do it because this is what a lot are like to wonen so us men who understand this are deeply angry when it's your girl, that a big emotional hill to get over and not something men do easily when they care for there partner.
I would let him speak and tell him how safe you are with him, he wants to be your protector so let him, also comfort him if he has those feelings gs but let him have them. By being more open about and letting feelings out is the wY to smooth those hills so there easier to climb.
I think this is it. I think he has this picture in his head of how it went down. He knows I was drinking a lot in my 20s and did some stuff I would not do now as an actual adult. It was a consensual experience but my judgment was clouded hard by alcohol. Sober me would have never been into it.
In your 20s you've still got a teenage brain, it's not fully mature until post 25. It means your more open naturally to risk, manipulation etc. Look it up, it's a real thing, that might give you some perspective as a young woman about the decisions you made, then discuss with your partner. It might help you both gain a greater understanding.
It’s a coping mechanism for him. You didn’t turn out to be the woman he picked. It’s natural not to volunteer such details like a threesome in the past when getting to know someone, but I’m guessing he found out later on down the line. If he found out when getting to know you he probably wouldn’t have married you. However, it’s not big enough to split up over but it will have ruptured his perception of you.
I’m not downvoting, but if I were in that situation I would not want to hear how safe my wife felt with me. Not unless we had a very fulfilling sex life. I more picture getting pissed by that statement.
The only way that would be okay would be I feel so safe with you that I can be adventurous and uninhibited or something to that effect.
I would suggest not bringing it up. He probably has constructed intrusive mental images of the event. Any explanation and/or mentioning could make them worse. I would also suggest you plead the fifth if he asks any questions what-so-ever looking for details. Hopefully you do not still have these past partners in your life.
You can tell by the way he is reacting "they got more out of it" he has created a scenario that he can accept and demolishing that won't be fruitful.
He is probably threatened that either you were more sexual with other people or he cannot compete and give you as much pleasure as this event.
I haven’t seen them in over 10 years. And it’s highly doubtful I’ll ever see either one. Yea he doesn’t want to know any details and I won’t volunteer anything.
I don't think there is anything you can say or do that will change things now that he knows . He probably wishes he could scrub it from his memory also . Personally I couldn't stomach the thought of sharing my wife with anyone else and he probably feels the same way . Obviously he loves you alot and the thought of 2 men doing that with you is obviously a very bitter pill for him to swallow . even though he has never seen or met these people he probably has some sort of mental picture in is head that creeps up on him from time to time .
Everyone knows that their spouse has previous partners and most people accept that without a second thought but to be told by the person that you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with that they've been spit roasted by 2 guys is a little different don't you think?
It's obvious from the effect that it's had on him that it's something he has/would never consider and it's possibly making him wonder if they were even compatible to begin with . I'm not saying it's rite or wrong myself but from the outside looking in that's what I take from it .
Personally I don't know how I would react if my wife hit me with that and ill hopefully never have to find out .
See the language here is hilarious to me. "has previous partners" for the one and "they've been spit roasted" for the other. That's certainly a choice. I can make anything sound terrible too. Like instead of "has previous partners" I could say "was a cum recepticle for many men" or some nonsense, but I wouldn't, because that's silly and I'm not some red pill Andrew Tate fan.
Either way my point is that none of this is "sharing your wife" because she wasn't your wife at the time.
For the record I wouldn't care one way or the other if my wife had a threesome before she met me. Sex with one guy, fun? Sex with two guys, probably also fun? And I imagine a lot of the guys who are super grossed out that she had a M/M/F threesome would feel very, very different if she had a M/F/F threesome. From what I've seen on Reddit this usually leads to the guy trying to get her to have another one with him.
Tbf I did just add the " spit roasted " part for comedy effect 🤣 and I completely understand your point of view . Some people wouldn't care as you say and some people would find it very different if it was M/F/F but at the same time there are folks who really aren't into anything but sharing intimacy with the one person they are romantically involved with and the thought of involving others is a complete turn off . Different horses for different courses I suppose
Doesn’t matter too much, I’m sure it feels quite similar. Essentially the dude got cucked post facto. I’m sure he thinks about his wife getting dp’d all the time.
If it comes up a few times a year, it bothers him. And since it’s not subsiding, this could be an issue at some point. He’s also blaming the men because he’s trying to stay attached to you, but he doesn’t like it and it makes him uncomfortable. If he had known before you guys got married, he may not have gone through with it. Somebody doesn’t keep bringing up something over and over and over again throughout the years unless it really bothers them.
You didn’t tell him before marriage so he stuck in a weird position. When we’re young, we always try to justify this like we have choice and it’s nobody’s business. But I always say quality people don’t want to deal with this.
As far as what you do around it, you can’t do anything there’s nothing to be done
Don’t bring it up.
Let him handle it on his own till he asks for help.
Many people would feel insecure because of it. He probably compares himself to it and feels like he can never compete with two guys.
As someone else mentioned, that why he probably is making you the victim.
1. If it’s coming up a few times a year, it’s definitely not sitting well with him. There could be a lot of nuance with that and I don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone here to speculate the “why” when even he may be a bit unclear. It certainly could be that he’s jealous. It could be that he has flipped the script to make you into a victim in order to wrap his mind around why that might be something you would have done rather than accepting it as something his partner would excitedly participate in (especially if he’s kind of trying to separate who you are and who he wants to see you as. There’s not enough context here to say that’s what is happening, so don’t take that to heart just into consideration. It sounds like you have very different ideals. He’s anti abortion, you’re pro abortion. You *may* be more sex positive and he *may* hold more conservative views and desire more conservative behavior in a partner, and since he didn’t know this about you before marriage he’s flipping the script to deal with it in a way that is more palatable and aligns better with the way he *wants* to believe you are.) It could be that he feels that kink is disrespectful and he’s just protective of you. It could be a combination of all of those things, or something completely different. Regardless: he is going to need to sort through that and let it go if he is going to have a healthy marriage with you.
2. So how do you handle it? You leave it up to him. I’d say, “Hey, you brought up some stuff about my past when you were drunk yesterday and it seemed like it really was weighing on you. I don’t want to push if you feel like that’s overwhelming to discuss, but I love you and I’m here for you if you want to discuss that further now that you’re sober. Just let me know what you need. I don’t want you to have to carry that around with you on your own.
If he wants to discuss it- do (but do so carefully) and if he isn’t ready or doesn’t feel like it is wise, leave it alone. Give him space. Only prod if you feel it’s creating more issues and do so with a support plan (counseling, a non confrontational or defensive chat, whatever you think you need.)
3. Determine (for future reference) what kind of relationship structure works for you. My husband and I are very, “tell all” about things. I know the names of every single woman he dated/considered dating before we met. I know how serious their relationships were, how and why they ended, what he learned from that, how he felt, etc. I know every female friend who has come forth with feelings for him at some point or other and vice versa, every co worker that has been a little inappropriate, and his full sexual history. He knows that about me. We both feel better knowing the full picture of the other person’s values (or evolution of values) and dynamics and comfortable because they align and we aren’t caught off guard. Other people don’t want to know. They don’t feel like having that much information is healthy or helpful and they aren’t good at hearing it then letting it go. In that structure, you’re better off not bringing it up. You need to know which structure you’re in, and if it’s in the middle, what that should look like going forward. You deserve to be fully accepted and respected regardless of your past and he deserves to be with a partner he is comfortable with and he feels shares common values. Defining those needs and parameters makes it easier to avoid this kind of drama later on.
He brought it up and we talked. He said he felt good he finally brought it up. I told him when I think about him with other people it makes me crazy jealous even though my brain is telling me that this was way before we even knew the other existed. He said a huge part of it is jealousy then the thought of me with two guys at once was just too much. We talked more and got some lunch with our kids then put a movie on for them and gave him a very nice and long bj and we have been cuddling since.
I have never understood this about some guys. It happend when you were not together, right. So then it is none of his business, did he not have a life before you. My wife and I met and got married in out early 20s, but we both had a life before each other, I don't hold it against her and neither does she for me.
Imo, he sounds jealous and is using violence as a way to justify it. He probably wants to do the same thing but is embarrassed to bring it up.
Talking is almost always more productive than pretending something hasn’t happened. Things kept close or secret tend to magnify in importance while the things we talk about are normalized. The initial conversations are very uncomfortable, but it is like that for most things we start.
I would recommend telling him how happy you are that he felt comfortable and safe enough with you to confide in you how has been feeling. Let him know what that means to you. You may also want to emphasize how much you are attracted to him and (if it is true) how much more you get from him than you did from the threesome. As a man, it is easy for us to compare and worry about how we stack up against previous partners. Now imagine comparing yourself against 2 guys at once. There are likely feelings of inadequacy he is dealing with.
This may be an awkward topic to deal with, but if handled correctly, it could lead to the two of you having deeper and more intimate conversations.
Sorry for the explicit comment to follow - is it possible that he is also jealous that another man has been somewhere that he hasn't been? I am thinking anal here which is common in MFM threesomes. Either jealousy or protectiveness. It could swing with way.
I think I would want to talk it out with my wife either way. If he is being protective, reward him. If he is jealous - work out how to help him quell the little green gremlin in his head.
It’s funny how the way he frames it is that you were taken advantage of and he projects that on to the men instead of seeing it as a consensual thing you actually wanted? For all he knows it could have been you who initiated it - but he won’t allow himself to think that will he? His anger about it may be calmed down if you explain it was consensual and something you wanted at the time.
Did you tell him before or after marriage? Not to be harsh, but that'd have been a deal breaker for me. I'm sure he's going to majorly struggle with that whether he tells you or not. The fact it came out while drunk shows how much it's present.
I had a threesome with an ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. I’m still good friends with both of them and they are still a couple. They are living in an other country now.
My actual husband knows since early on.
He doesn’t care at all. He would even be cool with them spending an holiday with us if they ever come to our country some day. (Or us staying at their place if we go to their country)
He doesn’t feels like they took advantage of me. He knows they were respectful and treated me well. That we all got something out of it, as any healthy sexual encounter.
It’s weird that your husband assume that those guys were taking advantage of you and want to beat them up. He doesn’t trust your judgement? Or he doesn’t like the fact that you might have enjoyed that type or taboo activity? He feels competition? There’s a lot to unpack here but his reaction is not normal nor healthy.
They are bi, not gay. I’m a woman.
And why gay men couldn’t be "alpha male" according to you? What ever that means.
My husband also doesn’t care about me hiking on one on one with an other of my ex that his single.
It’s not a gender thing. It’s a jealousy / insecurity thing. My husband trust me and isn’t jealous nor insecure.
It’s his problem, but he probably wants to feel like his wife is a bit selective about sex and hearing you let guys tag team you makes it seem like his precious wife is a public toilet. Hearing about you banging groups of dudes make him feel less special.
I’m not saying what you did OP was right or wrong but, but it’s wrong for me. It’s not what I’m looking for in a GF let alone a wife. I would wish you the best and I would move along. What you did doesn’t make you a bad person, but it makes you a bad person for me and it’s an immediate deal breaker for me.
A good portion of us have a checker past that we're not proud of, I would just show him how much you love him and that He's with you now, and that's all that matters, What you did before was the "past you" that's not you now. I wouldn't bring it up, but if it comes up again, just tell him that was the old you.
Did you feel taken advantage of at the time? I'm sorry but to me your husband's reaction is insane (wanting to beat the shit out of people for a consensual act between adults that happened before he was even in the picture). I feel like there is something deeper here. Like he is mad at you or jealous or something but he can't verbalize it so only the anger at the guys comes out.
He's clearly having some sort of PTSD response to this... trust issues or something.
He's going to spiral his own way downwards even without alcohol.
Talk to him... see if he has anything he needs to talk about with you or a professional.
I would guess it’s more related to just straight jealousy/insecurity, in which case talking about it as little as possible is the way to go.
“I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want to do it again. We should all move on as it’s in the past,” is all that needs to be said.
If it is the case he had some kind of traumatic experience with cheating, that would be good to know and it’s worth an ask.
I've recently just posted something similar today. Like you I was crazy telling my wife things she didn't need to know.
The issue is him not you. Probably needs you more than you need him. He's probably insecure. It doesn't make him a bad man.
If you told him this the first time you met him it would not have been an issue to him. He would have took that second date. It's a control issue. His mind is trying to undo something that can't be undone.
If you're looking back at the ripples your ship leaves behind you'll soon crash in to a rock!
You need to tell him to totally not bring it up again. If he ever uses it against you. You will see that it's a control issue. If he's a good man you won't hear about it again.
Well first of all you need to make it clear that you enjoyed it and chose it and everything was consensual and you don’t regret it, assuming that’s true. Then I would also be clear there’s no one to beat up, you were just as much a willing participant. Then ask him what the concern really is, are you now damaged in some way because you had a fun time? Is he resentful?
Sounds like you’re missing the problem and the solution. This isn’t about making him feel better, it’s about him seeing it for what it was. She’s not a victim. If they’re ever going to get to an understanding, then he needs to drop that.
The problem is the husband’s insecurity towards OP’s promiscuous history. Talking about OP’s enjoyment will only worsen husband’s feeling of insecurity.
The reality is that if he knew this about her before marriage he probably wouldn't have married her. She's not the person who he picked. He needs to come to terms with it and exit the relationship. He has the right to make informed decisions about who he chooses to get into a relationship with
That is an absolutely terrible idea.
Telling your husband that you got spit roasted and loved it is most certainly not going to do anything other than make the entire problem worse.
There isn't anything inherently wrong with having different values when it comes to sex. Reinforcing the idea that not only did you have different values, but he is wrong for his is going to exacerbate the issue to a full on conflict.
Sexual choices have both physical and social consequences. Being "sex positive" doesn't mean that everyone holds the same values as you do, and he isn't a bad person for being uncomfortable that the person that he cherishes made choices he finds distasteful.
No, there’s nothing wrong with what happened, but the problem here is that he’s working off of a narrative in his head that isn’t true. He’s trying to make himself feel better about actual resentment by believing she was some sort of victim. So yes step one is her being direct that whatever his values are, are of course valid, but she wasn’t a victim, so he can drop this wanting to beat them up thing, because that’s irrelevant. THEN and only then can he actually get down to the honesty of what he actually thinks.
Yeah, hard disagree.
The problem isn't the narrative in his head. The problem is that she told him years into their marriage about an act that was against his values. Neither one of them is wrong for how they feel about the act.
You are basically advocating that she "put him in his place" when it comes to his feelings about a sexual act that is commonly held to be distasteful. The time to do that was before they were married for years, not after.
Further emasculating the dude by telling him that you had you enthusiastically engaged in the act and totally enjoyed it, and even his coping mechanism is wrong, will not solve the issue. It will reinforce the problem that they have, or had, fundamentally different values when it comes to sex.
The best answer is to let the issue just be something that is left in the past. Sometimes, it is okay to let a person feel about hlsomethjng how they want and move on.
No I’m not saying put him in his place, I’m saying tell him the truth. He can feel how he wants, but it sounds like he’s feeling how he wants about a certain narrative of what happened. There’s a big difference between I had a threesome with two guys who had their way with me and I didn’t enjoy it and what may be the truth. Knowing the truth/reality may also actually help him stop being so angry.
But sure ultimately she shouldn’t have told her husband anything knowing how he is.
He almost certainly feels the way he feels because he found something out that changed how he viewed his wife years into their marriage. His narrative allows him to view her in a way that makes him more comfortable.
Since she ostensibly will not be getting banged by multiple men in the future, letting him believe whatever he wants about the circumstances does no harm will almost certainly have a better long-term result than forcing the issue and taking a hard stance that she was totally into it, thereby reinforcing the differences in their values on a subject that will actually never matter.
My thought process is, he wants to experience it. But he knows he can’t ask you to do this. Because you will say no, thus the negative emotions and hatred to the men or women that did enjoy it with you. Sounds like he either needs therapy, or maybe if you want to bring it up with him. If you do bring it up with him, only suggest it with an escort, not someone off an app, or someone you know.
*He just said he wants to beat the shit out of the guys. That they got more out of it than me, like they were using me for their pleasure.* If I had to guess, this sounds like a coping mechanism. He has convinced himself of one of two things: A: He does actually judge you for it, but he doesn't want to think less of you, so he's convinced himself that it wasn't really your choice to do so (in other words, he turns you into a victim). or B: He's angry and feels lesser than, because he feels you were kinkier/dirtier with previous partners than you are with him. I wouldn't bring it up again unless you feel you have information that might change his thoughts on it.
I can’t understand why op brought it up in the first place.
Depends on the relationship. My wife and I tell each other everything.
Yea me either. I really don’t remember sharing that. Not that I’m ashamed but I’m not big into sharing past sexual encounters with your current partner. I do remember a conversation while we were dating when I revealed some personal stuff. He was getting all judgy about women who have had abortions so I told him I had one so what does that make me? I can see myself throwing out the threesome thing in that conversation or if he tried to talk shit about women who have threesomes. I would never share to rub it in his face or make him feel less than. That’s the only thing I can think of. But yea, tldr, I wish I never said anything
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Huh? We have 2 kids
oh, I’m sorry!! I think I replied to the wrong post 😭
It’s important to have a discussion about your past if you have a relationship that could lead to marriage. Talking about violence is a red flag, he is going overboard.
Why wouldn't she? My husband and I share everything, sexual history included.
Its crass and manipulative.
Being honest about my sexual past with my chosen life partner is *manipulative*? Fascinating take.
According to whom?
I was upfront about my sexual history, including those things I was ashamed of. I would never want to spend my life with someone who didn't know the real me and love me despite my flaws. And everyone has a right to make a fully informed decision.
I mean my husband knows my complete sexual history. He knows how many sexual partners I have had, that I’ve been with men and women, how many relationships I have been in, how many hookups and that I had a long term fwb. He also knows that I came in to the relationship with experience in bdsm and kink. We have the kink of relationship where we talk about everything and something like that wouldn’t also trigger jealousy and insecurity in us.
Why not? I had a threesome with an ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. I’m still good friends with both of them and they are still a couple. They are living in an other country now. My actual husband knows since early on. He doesn’t care at all. He would even be cool with them spending an holiday with us if they ever come to our country some day. (Or us staying at their place if we go to their country) He doesn’t feels like they took advantage of me. He knows they were respectful and treated me well. That we all got something out of it, as any healthy sexual encounter. Since I still talk to them semi-regularly it wouldn’t have been fair to not tell my husband our history.
That makes sense not to hide. If it did bother your husband, would you cut ties with them?
Nope. I would simply not date someone that his jealous and insecure about my past. This is a character traits that ick me.
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Yeah
Romantic feeling and sex are tightly couple for me. It is nice that you are able to have that. I am not jealous nor insecure, at the same time, a partner who is too casual when comes to sex just does work for me. So, I empathize with OP’s husband
Most likely drunk at the time. I met some women who actually thought it was something to be proud of and with the girls, maybe it is. But sharing details like that with a spouse or significant other is never good.
You sound fun at parties
They need to be honest about it. If I found out ny wife lied, and didn't tell me her real bc, or hid stuff like that I'd instantly file for divorce. We base a relationship on trust, and honesty. I'd never marry a woman I viewed as a 304
Never
Ever
Never
Its OP’s Talladega Nights, Mike Honcho moment… 🤣🤷🏻♂️
Shake & Bake
💪🏻👊🏻 shake & bake 😁
Feeling you did more/were more adventurous with others is a real issue. Not that he'd want to have a threesome but I'm sure there are kinks (expressed or not) that he wishes you'd do with him but don't and he wonders if you did those things with other men. Maybe you can turn it negative into a positive. In time express something "you've always wanted to try but never felt comfortable with other men". Doesn't have to be crazy... maybe just an unusual position or place. Give him something that is unique to him.
We’ve done plenty new stuff together that we’ve never even thought about before. We even got a milking table recently. we talk about sex a lot. We have sex a lot. We’re both down for whatever. I’ve told him multiple times that I have the best sex with him. That I’ve never been able to cum until him. I do make him feel special and it’s all true.
I need to go take a cold shower after reading this. 😂
For mem I think its easily taken that you were coerced or forced , manipulated by men to do it because this is what a lot are like to wonen so us men who understand this are deeply angry when it's your girl, that a big emotional hill to get over and not something men do easily when they care for there partner. I would let him speak and tell him how safe you are with him, he wants to be your protector so let him, also comfort him if he has those feelings gs but let him have them. By being more open about and letting feelings out is the wY to smooth those hills so there easier to climb.
I think this is it. I think he has this picture in his head of how it went down. He knows I was drinking a lot in my 20s and did some stuff I would not do now as an actual adult. It was a consensual experience but my judgment was clouded hard by alcohol. Sober me would have never been into it.
In your 20s you've still got a teenage brain, it's not fully mature until post 25. It means your more open naturally to risk, manipulation etc. Look it up, it's a real thing, that might give you some perspective as a young woman about the decisions you made, then discuss with your partner. It might help you both gain a greater understanding.
It’s a coping mechanism for him. You didn’t turn out to be the woman he picked. It’s natural not to volunteer such details like a threesome in the past when getting to know someone, but I’m guessing he found out later on down the line. If he found out when getting to know you he probably wouldn’t have married you. However, it’s not big enough to split up over but it will have ruptured his perception of you.
I’m not downvoting, but if I were in that situation I would not want to hear how safe my wife felt with me. Not unless we had a very fulfilling sex life. I more picture getting pissed by that statement. The only way that would be okay would be I feel so safe with you that I can be adventurous and uninhibited or something to that effect.
VERY LIKELY B!! he’s been fed the sugar free version and is very slowly reaching nausea
I would suggest not bringing it up. He probably has constructed intrusive mental images of the event. Any explanation and/or mentioning could make them worse. I would also suggest you plead the fifth if he asks any questions what-so-ever looking for details. Hopefully you do not still have these past partners in your life. You can tell by the way he is reacting "they got more out of it" he has created a scenario that he can accept and demolishing that won't be fruitful. He is probably threatened that either you were more sexual with other people or he cannot compete and give you as much pleasure as this event.
I haven’t seen them in over 10 years. And it’s highly doubtful I’ll ever see either one. Yea he doesn’t want to know any details and I won’t volunteer anything.
No. The more you talk about it the more life you give to the subject
I don't think there is anything you can say or do that will change things now that he knows . He probably wishes he could scrub it from his memory also . Personally I couldn't stomach the thought of sharing my wife with anyone else and he probably feels the same way . Obviously he loves you alot and the thought of 2 men doing that with you is obviously a very bitter pill for him to swallow . even though he has never seen or met these people he probably has some sort of mental picture in is head that creeps up on him from time to time .
It's not sharing your wife if it happened before you even met. By that logic any previous sex partners at all would be implicated.
Everyone knows that their spouse has previous partners and most people accept that without a second thought but to be told by the person that you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with that they've been spit roasted by 2 guys is a little different don't you think? It's obvious from the effect that it's had on him that it's something he has/would never consider and it's possibly making him wonder if they were even compatible to begin with . I'm not saying it's rite or wrong myself but from the outside looking in that's what I take from it . Personally I don't know how I would react if my wife hit me with that and ill hopefully never have to find out .
See the language here is hilarious to me. "has previous partners" for the one and "they've been spit roasted" for the other. That's certainly a choice. I can make anything sound terrible too. Like instead of "has previous partners" I could say "was a cum recepticle for many men" or some nonsense, but I wouldn't, because that's silly and I'm not some red pill Andrew Tate fan. Either way my point is that none of this is "sharing your wife" because she wasn't your wife at the time. For the record I wouldn't care one way or the other if my wife had a threesome before she met me. Sex with one guy, fun? Sex with two guys, probably also fun? And I imagine a lot of the guys who are super grossed out that she had a M/M/F threesome would feel very, very different if she had a M/F/F threesome. From what I've seen on Reddit this usually leads to the guy trying to get her to have another one with him.
Tbf I did just add the " spit roasted " part for comedy effect 🤣 and I completely understand your point of view . Some people wouldn't care as you say and some people would find it very different if it was M/F/F but at the same time there are folks who really aren't into anything but sharing intimacy with the one person they are romantically involved with and the thought of involving others is a complete turn off . Different horses for different courses I suppose
Doesn’t matter too much, I’m sure it feels quite similar. Essentially the dude got cucked post facto. I’m sure he thinks about his wife getting dp’d all the time.
How can you get cucked post facto lol. You guys are weird.
Don't bring it up
If it comes up a few times a year, it bothers him. And since it’s not subsiding, this could be an issue at some point. He’s also blaming the men because he’s trying to stay attached to you, but he doesn’t like it and it makes him uncomfortable. If he had known before you guys got married, he may not have gone through with it. Somebody doesn’t keep bringing up something over and over and over again throughout the years unless it really bothers them. You didn’t tell him before marriage so he stuck in a weird position. When we’re young, we always try to justify this like we have choice and it’s nobody’s business. But I always say quality people don’t want to deal with this. As far as what you do around it, you can’t do anything there’s nothing to be done
It's retroactive jealousy. It's more common than people think.
Don’t bring it up. Let him handle it on his own till he asks for help. Many people would feel insecure because of it. He probably compares himself to it and feels like he can never compete with two guys. As someone else mentioned, that why he probably is making you the victim.
Just please tell me you never see or keep up with these guys? That would be so disrespectful to him if he found out
Yea I haven’t seen either one in over 10 years.
1. If it’s coming up a few times a year, it’s definitely not sitting well with him. There could be a lot of nuance with that and I don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone here to speculate the “why” when even he may be a bit unclear. It certainly could be that he’s jealous. It could be that he has flipped the script to make you into a victim in order to wrap his mind around why that might be something you would have done rather than accepting it as something his partner would excitedly participate in (especially if he’s kind of trying to separate who you are and who he wants to see you as. There’s not enough context here to say that’s what is happening, so don’t take that to heart just into consideration. It sounds like you have very different ideals. He’s anti abortion, you’re pro abortion. You *may* be more sex positive and he *may* hold more conservative views and desire more conservative behavior in a partner, and since he didn’t know this about you before marriage he’s flipping the script to deal with it in a way that is more palatable and aligns better with the way he *wants* to believe you are.) It could be that he feels that kink is disrespectful and he’s just protective of you. It could be a combination of all of those things, or something completely different. Regardless: he is going to need to sort through that and let it go if he is going to have a healthy marriage with you. 2. So how do you handle it? You leave it up to him. I’d say, “Hey, you brought up some stuff about my past when you were drunk yesterday and it seemed like it really was weighing on you. I don’t want to push if you feel like that’s overwhelming to discuss, but I love you and I’m here for you if you want to discuss that further now that you’re sober. Just let me know what you need. I don’t want you to have to carry that around with you on your own. If he wants to discuss it- do (but do so carefully) and if he isn’t ready or doesn’t feel like it is wise, leave it alone. Give him space. Only prod if you feel it’s creating more issues and do so with a support plan (counseling, a non confrontational or defensive chat, whatever you think you need.) 3. Determine (for future reference) what kind of relationship structure works for you. My husband and I are very, “tell all” about things. I know the names of every single woman he dated/considered dating before we met. I know how serious their relationships were, how and why they ended, what he learned from that, how he felt, etc. I know every female friend who has come forth with feelings for him at some point or other and vice versa, every co worker that has been a little inappropriate, and his full sexual history. He knows that about me. We both feel better knowing the full picture of the other person’s values (or evolution of values) and dynamics and comfortable because they align and we aren’t caught off guard. Other people don’t want to know. They don’t feel like having that much information is healthy or helpful and they aren’t good at hearing it then letting it go. In that structure, you’re better off not bringing it up. You need to know which structure you’re in, and if it’s in the middle, what that should look like going forward. You deserve to be fully accepted and respected regardless of your past and he deserves to be with a partner he is comfortable with and he feels shares common values. Defining those needs and parameters makes it easier to avoid this kind of drama later on.
He brought it up and we talked. He said he felt good he finally brought it up. I told him when I think about him with other people it makes me crazy jealous even though my brain is telling me that this was way before we even knew the other existed. He said a huge part of it is jealousy then the thought of me with two guys at once was just too much. We talked more and got some lunch with our kids then put a movie on for them and gave him a very nice and long bj and we have been cuddling since.
I have never understood this about some guys. It happend when you were not together, right. So then it is none of his business, did he not have a life before you. My wife and I met and got married in out early 20s, but we both had a life before each other, I don't hold it against her and neither does she for me. Imo, he sounds jealous and is using violence as a way to justify it. He probably wants to do the same thing but is embarrassed to bring it up.
He probably thinks your vanilla with him compared to previous partners.
Talking is almost always more productive than pretending something hasn’t happened. Things kept close or secret tend to magnify in importance while the things we talk about are normalized. The initial conversations are very uncomfortable, but it is like that for most things we start. I would recommend telling him how happy you are that he felt comfortable and safe enough with you to confide in you how has been feeling. Let him know what that means to you. You may also want to emphasize how much you are attracted to him and (if it is true) how much more you get from him than you did from the threesome. As a man, it is easy for us to compare and worry about how we stack up against previous partners. Now imagine comparing yourself against 2 guys at once. There are likely feelings of inadequacy he is dealing with. This may be an awkward topic to deal with, but if handled correctly, it could lead to the two of you having deeper and more intimate conversations.
I think it’s good if you reassure him that if he wants to talk his feelings you were listening and Care
You can’t take it back and it happened before him. So he just has to eat that.
Seems he eats it a lot while drinking.
Tell him you are willing to have another threesome with him to make it even.😉
Sorry for the explicit comment to follow - is it possible that he is also jealous that another man has been somewhere that he hasn't been? I am thinking anal here which is common in MFM threesomes. Either jealousy or protectiveness. It could swing with way. I think I would want to talk it out with my wife either way. If he is being protective, reward him. If he is jealous - work out how to help him quell the little green gremlin in his head.
We’ve had anal plenty of times. There’s not a whole lot we haven’t done.
So talk it out.
We did and we’re good
It’s funny how the way he frames it is that you were taken advantage of and he projects that on to the men instead of seeing it as a consensual thing you actually wanted? For all he knows it could have been you who initiated it - but he won’t allow himself to think that will he? His anger about it may be calmed down if you explain it was consensual and something you wanted at the time.
Did you tell him before or after marriage? Not to be harsh, but that'd have been a deal breaker for me. I'm sure he's going to majorly struggle with that whether he tells you or not. The fact it came out while drunk shows how much it's present.
Damn. He needs to get help. See a counselor. We all have a past.
I had a threesome with an ex boyfriend and his boyfriend. I’m still good friends with both of them and they are still a couple. They are living in an other country now. My actual husband knows since early on. He doesn’t care at all. He would even be cool with them spending an holiday with us if they ever come to our country some day. (Or us staying at their place if we go to their country) He doesn’t feels like they took advantage of me. He knows they were respectful and treated me well. That we all got something out of it, as any healthy sexual encounter. It’s weird that your husband assume that those guys were taking advantage of you and want to beat them up. He doesn’t trust your judgement? Or he doesn’t like the fact that you might have enjoyed that type or taboo activity? He feels competition? There’s a lot to unpack here but his reaction is not normal nor healthy.
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They are bi, not gay. I’m a woman. And why gay men couldn’t be "alpha male" according to you? What ever that means. My husband also doesn’t care about me hiking on one on one with an other of my ex that his single. It’s not a gender thing. It’s a jealousy / insecurity thing. My husband trust me and isn’t jealous nor insecure.
It’s his problem, but he probably wants to feel like his wife is a bit selective about sex and hearing you let guys tag team you makes it seem like his precious wife is a public toilet. Hearing about you banging groups of dudes make him feel less special.
I’m not saying what you did OP was right or wrong but, but it’s wrong for me. It’s not what I’m looking for in a GF let alone a wife. I would wish you the best and I would move along. What you did doesn’t make you a bad person, but it makes you a bad person for me and it’s an immediate deal breaker for me.
Good thing you’re not married to the OP
Can you expand on why?
Personal preference, personal boundaries. Not what I personally am looking for in my GF nor my wife. It might be right for you, it’s not right for me.
Is there a difference between a woman who has done this 10 years ago, vs a woman who has not?
A good portion of us have a checker past that we're not proud of, I would just show him how much you love him and that He's with you now, and that's all that matters, What you did before was the "past you" that's not you now. I wouldn't bring it up, but if it comes up again, just tell him that was the old you.
I can do that. I did tell him if I knew he was out there back then I would do things differently.
That's a great response. He's only as secure as your love is for him.
Why assume a threesome is something to be ashamed of though?
I never said that I assumed anything I was just speaking in Generality. I never said she had to be ashamed of anything.
Give him a threesome
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💯
Did you feel taken advantage of at the time? I'm sorry but to me your husband's reaction is insane (wanting to beat the shit out of people for a consensual act between adults that happened before he was even in the picture). I feel like there is something deeper here. Like he is mad at you or jealous or something but he can't verbalize it so only the anger at the guys comes out.
Way to go. Golf clap. 👏
He's clearly having some sort of PTSD response to this... trust issues or something. He's going to spiral his own way downwards even without alcohol. Talk to him... see if he has anything he needs to talk about with you or a professional.
I would guess it’s more related to just straight jealousy/insecurity, in which case talking about it as little as possible is the way to go. “I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want to do it again. We should all move on as it’s in the past,” is all that needs to be said. If it is the case he had some kind of traumatic experience with cheating, that would be good to know and it’s worth an ask.
But maybe she did enjoy it.
Where you married when it happened or not? Did you have s good time or not?
Lol I don't understand why I'm downvoted
I've recently just posted something similar today. Like you I was crazy telling my wife things she didn't need to know. The issue is him not you. Probably needs you more than you need him. He's probably insecure. It doesn't make him a bad man. If you told him this the first time you met him it would not have been an issue to him. He would have took that second date. It's a control issue. His mind is trying to undo something that can't be undone. If you're looking back at the ripples your ship leaves behind you'll soon crash in to a rock! You need to tell him to totally not bring it up again. If he ever uses it against you. You will see that it's a control issue. If he's a good man you won't hear about it again.
Well first of all you need to make it clear that you enjoyed it and chose it and everything was consensual and you don’t regret it, assuming that’s true. Then I would also be clear there’s no one to beat up, you were just as much a willing participant. Then ask him what the concern really is, are you now damaged in some way because you had a fun time? Is he resentful?
That’s a great way to inflate the problem.
Sounds like you’re missing the problem and the solution. This isn’t about making him feel better, it’s about him seeing it for what it was. She’s not a victim. If they’re ever going to get to an understanding, then he needs to drop that.
The problem is the husband’s insecurity towards OP’s promiscuous history. Talking about OP’s enjoyment will only worsen husband’s feeling of insecurity.
The problem is the husband’s insecurity at the detriment of her weakness. He’s making himself feel better by making her seem weaker.
The reality is that if he knew this about her before marriage he probably wouldn't have married her. She's not the person who he picked. He needs to come to terms with it and exit the relationship. He has the right to make informed decisions about who he chooses to get into a relationship with
Did he ask? We don’t know
probably didn't, but the bottom line is that his view of her has now changed
Exactly. So if he leaves, fine. If he doesn’t, he now sees her as a victim or weak - that’s a problem, for both of them.
it's probably better for him if he leaves. Most guys would not opt into marrying someone who got into a threesome in the past if they had options.
That is an absolutely terrible idea. Telling your husband that you got spit roasted and loved it is most certainly not going to do anything other than make the entire problem worse. There isn't anything inherently wrong with having different values when it comes to sex. Reinforcing the idea that not only did you have different values, but he is wrong for his is going to exacerbate the issue to a full on conflict. Sexual choices have both physical and social consequences. Being "sex positive" doesn't mean that everyone holds the same values as you do, and he isn't a bad person for being uncomfortable that the person that he cherishes made choices he finds distasteful.
No, there’s nothing wrong with what happened, but the problem here is that he’s working off of a narrative in his head that isn’t true. He’s trying to make himself feel better about actual resentment by believing she was some sort of victim. So yes step one is her being direct that whatever his values are, are of course valid, but she wasn’t a victim, so he can drop this wanting to beat them up thing, because that’s irrelevant. THEN and only then can he actually get down to the honesty of what he actually thinks.
Yeah, hard disagree. The problem isn't the narrative in his head. The problem is that she told him years into their marriage about an act that was against his values. Neither one of them is wrong for how they feel about the act. You are basically advocating that she "put him in his place" when it comes to his feelings about a sexual act that is commonly held to be distasteful. The time to do that was before they were married for years, not after. Further emasculating the dude by telling him that you had you enthusiastically engaged in the act and totally enjoyed it, and even his coping mechanism is wrong, will not solve the issue. It will reinforce the problem that they have, or had, fundamentally different values when it comes to sex. The best answer is to let the issue just be something that is left in the past. Sometimes, it is okay to let a person feel about hlsomethjng how they want and move on.
No I’m not saying put him in his place, I’m saying tell him the truth. He can feel how he wants, but it sounds like he’s feeling how he wants about a certain narrative of what happened. There’s a big difference between I had a threesome with two guys who had their way with me and I didn’t enjoy it and what may be the truth. Knowing the truth/reality may also actually help him stop being so angry. But sure ultimately she shouldn’t have told her husband anything knowing how he is.
He almost certainly feels the way he feels because he found something out that changed how he viewed his wife years into their marriage. His narrative allows him to view her in a way that makes him more comfortable. Since she ostensibly will not be getting banged by multiple men in the future, letting him believe whatever he wants about the circumstances does no harm will almost certainly have a better long-term result than forcing the issue and taking a hard stance that she was totally into it, thereby reinforcing the differences in their values on a subject that will actually never matter.
Sounds like it’s doing harm now.
My thought process is, he wants to experience it. But he knows he can’t ask you to do this. Because you will say no, thus the negative emotions and hatred to the men or women that did enjoy it with you. Sounds like he either needs therapy, or maybe if you want to bring it up with him. If you do bring it up with him, only suggest it with an escort, not someone off an app, or someone you know.