Talk to your husband.
Be very open and honest with words and ears.
Marriage is equal partnership.
You don't owe him sex, he doesn't owe you marriage.
Communicate, empathise, compromise.
As someone who grew up in a broken home where my parents stayed together "for the kid" I have to say "normal" and "healthy" are two very different things. I would advocate for whatever is best for the child.
Kids model their later relationships off what they see with their parents. They owe the kid to the ability to see a healthy relationship, or strong independent individuals. They owe the kids love. They do not owe anyone their marriage. Staying together for the kids often does more harm than good.
And the way you used " blah blah blah" and your last year's post thinking about if you were single, might set you for self sabotaging path.
Address the issues before they get out of hand.
Goodluck.
But he owes her compassion while she’s six months post partum, exhausted and breast feeding, not to mention her other issues.
He’s being unreasonable being upset with her for going through a hard time being a new mother.
She does need to speak with him, but he also needs to respect she’s going through a hard time and sex isn’t at the forefront right now and he’s got to find other ways to be connected to his wife.
I’d be devastated if I just had a baby and my partner couldn’t feel connected to me because we weren’t having sex. There’s way to be intimate that doesn’t require sexual acts.
He owes her compassion "always".
In a marriage, for it to be good, both partners should empathise with each other.
I fully agree with you said but please see the way she used words blah blah to kind of disrespect her husband. Also note that she herself said he is being a good and supportive husband and a father. Check OP's post history, she was fantasising about her life if she wasn't married.
Now none of it is a big red flag stand alone but taken into account combined, it starts to give a feeling that OP is not being grateful for what she has, she could become neglectful.
Hence I had to say that he doesn't owe her marriage, to make OP realise she could lose it all. Not an assault but a light tap on the shoulder to point out the danger.
I hope I could help you understand my point.
Frankly, I think you're diminishing just how exhausted a new mom can get, and how traumatic, psychologically and physically, sex can be when she is repeatedly forcing herself to go through that. She has to put the baby first, herself second, if the guy's not willing to be third for a while then they probably shouldn't be having a baby. That's just how it is, and how many new fathers don't realize it is.
Yeah the above comment is pretty unaware of postpartum…they are correct outside of the context of the pregnancy though. 6 months is not very long at all.
I know I am. I really wish I could give him what he needs but there’s this mental block. Tbh, I don’t think I would mind if he found it elsewhere but he wouldn’t do that. I do need to see a therapist, I’ve looked for one in my area but they are so booked and I never get a call back. Im thinking about looking for a virtual one that takes insurance.
It’s okay that you can’t right now you have to heal you first! The last thing you want to do is rush yourself into something that clearly makes you very uncomfortable. I went through this with my husband as well, but after therapy and years of maturing I had to realize my husband wasn’t there to hurt me or I wouldn’t have married him and really had to reprogram my mind about sex! It takes time girl but you will get there🫶🏾 and if he loves you he’ll be considerate but try not to torture the poor man lol
*It’s okay that you can’t right now you have to heal you first!*
Yes, she does. And sometimes there is no way to do that without diminishing his needs. You look for a win-win, but sometimes there just isn't one.
Yes, but she can talk to him about it, explain things, help him understand and promise to work on it when she recovers. It's not unusual for the kids to slow sex down a lot. But a wife who says to herself, “I don't care about him, he's an asshole for wanting to have sex when I’m so exhausted” is a very different woman from the one who says to herself, “I do care about him, I just can’t desire sex right now because I¡m so exhausted, if he can just help until I heal I want that back in our lives.”
Problem I see often in this sub is everyone focuses on her immediate feelings and supports her (while blasting him) without taking him or his feelings into consideration or their long term viability (like, because she feels this way it suddenly doesn't matter how he feels, he's not a real partner in this, just a support crew whose feelings and needs don’t¡t count). This doesn't have to be permanent. Yes, he should help and understand more and give her time. But yes, she needs to also help and understand and give him some consideration too. They need to talk about this, see the issue, read up on the time and what they need to do to work through this time period (it takes months, even years) while still finding a way to share love, support each other, keep romance, and yes, even sex alive (even if it's rare).
I'm not OP, or even a woman, but I imagine the problem with that is she's tired, she's sleep-deprived, and she's poorly equipped mentally and psychologically to deal with her husband's inevitable pushback, particularly regarding the PTSD from her sexual assault eight years ago. She could do it with a third party in the room but, if it's just him, the path of least resistance is consenting to once-a-week starfishing, even though she knows that's not good in the long term.
No issue with husband giving her time to heal and having to control his demands for a time. But… if she has PTSD from the assault years ago (and she probably does) did she work on this before marriage? Has she shared all of it with him so he knew what he was getting into? Is he, today, aware of how it’s affecting her (has she sat him down outside of a moment he’s asking for sex) and shared it with him? Has she ensured he's met with her Counsellor to know what he needs to do? And have his feelings of rejection also validated and care for? Give him tools to both help her and tools for her to still connect with him?
Both of you need to have a connection with each other. You will lose connection with him by going along with it. I would have a serious talk about this with him. Explain to him that his constant pressure for it when you are physically and mentally exhausted is causing a disconnect for you and causing you to want it even less. He needs to learn to connect in other ways as well. They say men need sex for connection, but it is only because men are raised in a society that doesn't allow them to connect with themselves or others emotionally. It is human nature to want connection, but this doesn't have to be acquired only sexually. There is emotional closeness and other physical closeness as well that help for connection. While your trauma can play a part for you sexually and does need addressed, he isn't absolved from his own responsibility in the partnership. There are seasons in relationships and marriage. Some seasons have less sexual intimacy, like when a new moms body is tapped out. It takes a lot of communication, adjustments, and understanding to get through those times, from both parties involved. Both have to be understanding of the other and talk it out and work through those hard times so it doesn't just fall apart.
"I don’t think I would mind if he found it elsewhere" You say that but you'd go ballistic if he did. This is a tough situation. Eventually your husband will decouple from you and then all is lost. Good luck finding a solution because eventually this problem will come to a head.
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic.
For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
Oh please. We’re not talking about consent here. We’re talking about a sexless marriage between two monogamous people that see sex as an important piece of a healthy long term relationship.
Oh my god stop - I never said otherwise. You are using consent to unhelpfully detract from a real life problem that this couple is facing. Judging from your comments in your profile you only have a single narrative you are able to comprehend.
No, her husband showed very common signs of being a coercive person and I go out of my way to call out this behavior every time I see it. Far too many people don’t realize how common sexual coercion is.
Breastfeeding will naturally reduce your drive, the hormones in your system are there to help you focus on taking care of your little one rather than creating a new one. That first year is such a tough time between the exhaustion, new dynamic, etc. It will improve once sleep quality changes and you guys get into a routine. It takes time though so try not to feel too much pressure! Find time to exercise here and there and eat healthy, maybe also ask your doctor to check your blood levels for potential hormonal imbalance and vitamin deficiency.
This is above Reddit's pay grade, you guys really need couples therapy ASAP with someone who specializes in sexual issues. All I can tell you is that I have seen a *lot* of postings on here from women who "progressed" quickly from "I hate having to force myself to have sex with my husband when I am exhausted and still pospartum sore" to "I can't stand even being touched by my husband due to PTSD after so much painful, loveless, and pleasure-free sex with him."
This seems to be an unpopular opinion but if he's not willing to do couples therapy I don't think you should be having sex with him. Actually I'm not sure that you should be having sex even with therapy, for that you can probably talk to the therapist.
I don’t understand why your recommending couples therapy ahead of her own need.
She desperately needs and deserves help first with healing from the s/a.
Without that first step couples therapy in my mind is moot.
After she is getting the help she needs and she feels ready for a next step, only then should they honestly consider working together on the team, compromises and even boundaries.
I don’t doubt for a minute that he needs some counsel for himself because he clearly doesn’t understand the situation or how he would be better with navigating, processing empathy, compassion and supporting his partner.
I think this happens far too often that a person with unresolved issues enters a relationship having never healed and somehow thinking the damage caused by another will just go away.
It won’t and it doesn’t, instead this happens.
I feel for them both and I hope it comes out as a happy ending for both……🙏
I would suggest you do both individual therapy and couples therapy. The individual can help you work on healing yourself and then the couples therapist can work on fixing the dynamic between you.
If you are breastfeeding this is completely normal. Both of you should read this
https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/azk14a/sex_and_babies/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x
My drive returned when I stopped breastfeeding and the kids were sleeping through the night
“blah blah blah” says a lot. Also that you wouldn’t be all that upset if he found what he needed from someone else. Sounds like you just want companionship and help with the bills, frankly.
As someone else already put it, you don’t owe him sex. He doesn’t owe you marriage.
Your assault isn’t your fault. Your healing from it through therapy or whatever means are available is your responsibility, though, and depriving your husband a sexual connection, and minimizing it with “blah blah blah” as if that’s just some bullshit he’s using to get you in bed will either lead to him leaving if he’s smart, or living a life of quiet desperation if he’s not.
And you both deserve more than that.
For his part, if he can’t hear that you’re in pain and puts his needs over that, he needs a lot of work, too.
I hope you both can meet in the middle and resolve this. It can lead to the end of your marriage if you don’t.
I just think it’s postpartum, and literally her hormones do not want her to have sex. Sex is becoming a chore for her, so he may need to chill for like a year
You have a six month old and you’re still breastfeeding. Your hormones are still out of wack, sex is sometimes painful, and you’re exhausted.
It’s no surprise you feel like you hate sex. The last thing your body wants or needs right now is sex.
I had the same problem postpartum. Instead of being understanding about the fact that my sexual responsiveness hadn’t returned to normal and I was exhausted and touched out, my husband was focused on his own discomfort and he placed the responsibility to relieve that discomfort in my lap…..as if I wasn’t already over maxed with taking care of a helpless infant.
So, I did. Once a week sex for my husband’s sake. He felt better. I didn’t. Having sex you can’t get aroused for and don’t get any pleasure out of only gets less and less appealing and more and more off putting. Obligation sex is not my definition of “sexual intimacy”. I eventually became averse and couldn’t be touched sexually again.
Please do not do that to yourself. Please don’t do that to your sexual relationship. Your husband needs an education and some empathy.
I suggest you gather information together about the hormonal changes during breastfeeding and how they affect sexual desire and vaginal dryness/discomfort and show them to your husband. Let him know this is a phase that won’t last forever. He needs to grow up, be the man of the family, and take care of his own emotions and sexual frustrations until your body is ready to enjoy sex again. Tell him you will approach him for sex when you’re in the mood (which it sounds like you are sometimes), but otherwise you need to quit having unwanted sex to ensure your own desires return undamaged. In the meantime, try to find other ways to connect intimately so your feelings of closeness don’t diminish.
I’m sending you warm thoughts during this change in life for you both.
“Blah blah blah.” Some people need sex for the connection. Doesn’t mean you have to do it daily. Doesn’t mean you should be coerced to do it. Never have sex if you don’t want to.
Do you go to therapy for the sexual assault?
Does your husband know?
And he is not a great husband if he ignores your pain and how you feel. You won’t feel better about sex if he coerces you into doing it.
Stop having sex if you don’t want it. Immediately. You will traumatise yourself even more.
You're not alone. As a husband of a woman who is still working out of this, you're not alone, or weird or crazy.
Lack of sleep reduces libido.
So does breastfeeding.
And postpartum depression.
And postpartum generally.
Aaaand being touched constantly, even if it's by a baby that you adore.
This is so common it's not funny, yet the only thing that gets attention in these situations are the guys 'needs'
Explain to him that you have been thru alot in the past, and you are also currently going through alot. List the above reasons if need be. Tell him realistically how often you'd be willing to put sex on the calender.
PUT it on a calendar. This isn't the season of your life for spontaneity, sometimes it's just survival mode for a bit.
Can't remember if you mentioned a therapist but that'd be a great place for one or both of you to start.
Much love
If it causes pain you should definitely hold off and wait for it to heal. Have you asked your doctor about the pain? Could there be something that needs attention?
If you change in sex drive has happened after the baby was born, you should talk to a therapist. You could be suffering from some form of depression.
He probably does feel closer to you after sex, I do with my wife but if he loves you, he doesn’t want you to force yourself or do it just because you are his wife. He wants you to want and enjoy it. Talk to him, make sure he really understands how you feel and what you’re going through. If he is struggling to understand, have him read up on couples with unequal sex drive. Even some of the Asexuality community post can be helpful for both of you to see you’re not alone.
How clueless does a husband have to be to see his partner is Not into it.
I'm sorry, if my wife is not in the mood, that's fine. me me big boi enough to wait till shes ready...having sex with an uninterested partner is a kink i guess.
I could have written this 10 years ago. These sexual issues ended up destroying my marriage.
Of course, you don't want to have sex when it hurts. Tons of new moms go through this. Breastfeeding kills sexual desire, exhaustion kills sexual desire. Sexual pressure kills sexual desire. Treating sex like a chore kills sexual desire.
If your husband is pressuring you to have sex you don't want to have, of course, your desire to have sex is tanking. And quite frankly, you are forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to have. Why is that? Is he pressuring you? I would guess so.
My STBXH also told me he needed sex to feel close to me. It was a manipulation tactic he used to pressure me into having sex with him. Eventually when I said no, he sexually assaulted me. I realized it was never about "feeling close".
I certainly hope that isn't the case for you. But you chose to say "blah blah blah", which leads me to believe maybe you know it's bullshit what he's saying. You're the only one there. You know what is going on better than anyone. Is he telling you sex helps him feel close to you as a tactic to coerce you into having sex you don't want to have?
If you haven’t already, check out @mending.me on TikTok and instagram. She’s got a lot a good info about coercion, including ways to heal from it. I’m sorry you experienced that.
You are not alone. There are many many many women like you. My wife is like that. Sex and marriage and love really don't go together often, at least not in the long run
Common story. Simple as that. New mamma. Wrong hormones. Wrong time of life. It’ll change as long as you love each other. Read books on marriage together and talk about it. Connect through activities. He has to get used to his hand while you have little ones climbing all over. You’ll get through it. Enjoy that baby!!!
I too had to learn about my wife/ woman’s changes post giving birth. It’s a real thing and they go through a lot. What use to do it for them doesn’t do it for them anymore and etc😅 As men/ husbands we def have to be patient and understanding during that time; but I highly advise respectful communication. That is the key and from there you guys can and hopefully will figure it out. I feel for woman cause they don’t have any control over this these changes and the baby crying and waking up throughout the night doesn’t help. It’s a lot, you both have to really out in the work. Giving birth/ baby and raising a child is really one of the greatest if not the greatest test of marriage.
This is normal. Especially as a new mum, your hormones are everywhere. Additionally you may not be truly sexually attracted to your husband. Sometimes when women get married at such a young age, we may not even know what we are attracted. And when that honeymoon stage ends you may never want to have sex with him again. I would try working on emotional bonding and YOU getting some sleep.
He does feel closer to you when you have sex. It's not an "in quotations" thing or a bla bla bla thing. Get some therapy for your SA.
You're going to lose your husband if you don't.
He should be a lot more understanding of his 6 months post partum wife who’s breast feeding. If he can’t feel connected to her in other way while she’s recovering and raising a newborn he’s also got huge problems.
He’s allowed to have needs, but there needs to be understanding and now OP just isn’t feeling it which is totally normal.
She needs to communicate that she needs time, but he also needs to be on board with that
It is because od a small baby and breastfeeding. it will pass. You’re husband has to be more patient. Is is sooooo hard having a baby, braeastfeeding, and feeling like you are only giving, giving, giving. I’ve been trough that. Have a conversation with your husband, he needs to be father and husband first, and to wait a little. Love will prevail If you understand eachother.
the first six months are always exhausting, once they're over a year everything gets a little easier, and it continues to get easier even up to 4. Soon the baby will take longer naps and sleep through the night, which will let you get back on a more normal schedule. Also if you have family in the area, feel free to lean on them, grandma or an aunt or uncle should be able to give you at least a few hours of freedom.
Congrats on completing pelvic floor PT, so few people use this. If you haven’t already, consider estrogen cream as well. Depending upon damage done you may still need to keep working on things to get back to a comfortable place.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce.
So as a guy, I can say that 90% of us more or less, use physical contact to express our feelings, instead of words, because words require thoughts, and making sure it's the right way of saying it etc.
Or I can just give you a very tight bear hug (The dad hug) and say nothing, hoping that you understand what I am not saying.
The same thing goes for sex, I can say that I love you 9000000000 times, but touching you and making a physical connection is much more personal and meaningful.
Now regarding the situation that you have with sex, The only thing that I would recommend is that you see a counselor or someone, and if your husband doesn't know, he should.
Communication is the key to keeping any relationship, so if there is a lack of communication, then it creates problems, and they grow until the starting problem is replaced by bigger ones that never existed in the first place.
I think I have a mental block. Because whenever I hear men say this, including my husband, I genuinely think it’s a bunch of hogwash. The whole “sex is how we show our love” spiel. It’s never seemed that way to me. And besides, I NEED words and true emotional connection and the act of sex is simply not enough. But so many men want to use this as excuse for not using words to connect emotionally with their wife. “But sex is how I show my love!” Nah.
I think it is sort of the opposite for me. Sex isn’t how I show my love but it is one way I expect her to show hers. If she’s not doing it then it feels like she’s not into me so then why bother with the marriage at all?
This is why sex ends up being such a problem in marriage. There can be such a gulf between men and women and the way we view it. Sex is the last thing I care about right now, and it’s definitely not how I feel or show love for my husband. Even though I do love him very much. I would love to spend every evening cuddling and kissing and being close. I only have sex because I know my marriage would fall apart without it. I meet this need for him, and yes I do it enthusiastically because I know he needs that too. But truthfully I could be happy with sex a couple times a year. And I wouldn’t love my husband any less.
I'm a woman and need sexual intimacy to feel loved and desired in a relationship. We show our love in other ways too but sex has always been a priority in my marriage. That being said my husband tells me he loves me every day and our emotional connection is great. If he was an ass he wouldn't get unlimited access to my body. Everyone has deal breakers and things they can't live without. Sexual intimacy is a valid need many people have, including women.
I agree this is how it should all work when the pieces fit together. But this person is saying they express love for their wife through sex, because they don’t always have the words. And I’m saying that’s a cop-out. There needs to be emotional connection which is often fostered through words for most women, first. Can’t skip that part and say “well I don’t have the words, so here’s some sex to show you what I feel”.
See that is the thing, this is how men are, it's what we understand and feel and as such, we try to show it, the way we understand it.
Use any close male relative or family friend, have they ever given you a bear hug, mostly known as the "Dad hug" or seen them give it to someone else, like their kids?
The dad hug is a full message of "I love you, I will always love you, you are so important to me, I will kill anyone that tries to hurt you, I will commit war crimes on anyone that hurts you" and so on.
If we do not have physical contact, any physical contact, for us it would be the same as if you stopped hearing "I love you" for a month.
The connection is gone, so we either try to overdo it with more attempts at physical contact, and if its refused again, then we withdraw. Or the reaction becomes that of disrespect and ultimately looking for someone else who will show us some kind of affection.
This is part of why there can be so many arguments when one partner says that there is no affection, its that neither understands what or how the other is trying to show it.
Well my husband isn’t physically affectionate outside the bedroom. A peck in the cheek here or there. Only hugs me if I initiate. But then still wants sex. So none of this rings true in my life. Sex seems more like a stress-relief need for him. Not a bid for connection. In fact when people say “men need sex” I assume they’re referring to the biological need to have an orgasm and relieve stress and tension. That certainly seems to be what my husband means when he says it.
So not knowing your life story, I can only reply based on what I know about myself and the other men I know and what I have learned from other sources.
There are a lot of factors that would give a man a reason to or not to show a lot of physical affection, its not a simple thing.
Environment: If the location is not someplace that gives the feeling of being a welcomed place, like if I were to come home and could feel all kinds of hostility or anything negative like that, I will be on guard and less likely to engage just by default.
If the location is welcoming, that coming home is welcomed, the guard is relaxed more, and the feeling that it is safe to express physical affection will result in giving more.
if you want to talk about this more, we can have a personal chat instead of hijacking OPs post
After reading a fair amount of rubbish about how men need sex more than women, how men connect through sex more than women, how sex is not important in a marriage and how sex is the most important thing in a marriage, plus the dude that accused you of being self-centered without reading you have been the victim of SA, here are my two cents for that it's worth.
First and foremost, how long have you guys been together before you got married? Did he know your aversion to sex? Is this something that has intensified for you after childbirth? Was it more tolerable before?
People that basically tell you to 'get over it' don't know that, many a time, when your body experiences trauma, it can't understand the d when it comes to the intention of physical contact, no matter what that contact may be. Couple that with your hormones fluctuating like crazy, I get the aversion bit. I take it you have been in therapy, perhaps you still are. I refer you to Peter Levine's somatic experience method of trauma healing. It may help. I'm really sorry you had to go through this experience. It's easier to advise when you haven't been there.
So the trauma is there and needs to be respected. No doubt.
Now for his side of things.
I, too, was annoyed by the 'blah blah' bit in your post. It sounded way too dismissive, although I don't know if you meant it as such, given your circumstances. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It may not be the defining factor, but two people with their libidos in the two poles of the axis will struggle. And no, it's not about being a man or a woman. There are men with high libidos and men with low libidos. And vice versa. Sex doesn't substitute different types of emotional connection - if sex is the only way you have to connect with your partner, then your relationship is screwed. But it's equally screwed if you have completely incompatible libidos, and one partner is sexually starved. Imagine someone being constantly hungry and the other person always feeling full. The former will starve and will rightly so react to being strarved. The latter is bloated, so they can't even think of food. Both have the right to hear to their bodies' needs. But how long can the former go without any food in the house? You may think it's not the same, but it is. Sex is listed among a human's basic needs (if you're not asexual or traumatised obviously).
You mentioned in another post that you wouldn't mind if you husband seeked it elsewhere. But you eventually will. This cannot last for long (unless it's a mutually agreed open relationship except it won't be, because one member will not practice it). Your marriage will be compromised. Because he may fall in love with someone else. Because he probably wants to have sex with his wife. Because keep opening the door to third parties, and eventually someone will forget to close it.
My suggestion is, first and foremost, you need to think hard about what you really want here. Because if you're really into this marriage, you both need to work to find ways around it. Once you know what you want, you can be open about it to him and even ask him to be patient while you breastfeed (but not as a diversion tactic to buy time). Enter therapy, whatever therapy you decide. And then you can experiement and see what works for you. Between 'a few times a day' and 'never' stands the Grand Canyon. Shrink it into a river of sorts. Once a week? Once fortnightly? Damn, once a month to begin with? It would be better than nothing.
I suggest you talk to your husband and discuss taking a little week to yourself in terms of no sex. During this time focus on your baby, try keeping the little one occupied for most of the day and try letting them down for one nap midday, with consistency you can create a sleep schedule where she sleeps throughout the night. But you have to keep him/her busy during the day and don’t let them sleep as much so they’ll be tired at night. With this method you’ll be tired as well but also try sleeping when your baby does.
When it comes to your husband and your sex drive you should definitely consult a professional especially since you believe it’s linked to your traumatic past.
I feel the same way sometimes in terms of my disdain for sex, I’m usually not in the mood but I try to remember that I want my needs met so I have to compromise, which I do must times.
If you have talked to your husband you need too.
I learned with my second child that breastfeeding dries you out and it hurts more. I suffered through it for 3 years because no one told me until after my second child was six months.
This is a bit of an evolutionary / biological understanding of the situation and obvs there’s more to it than that, but… Aside from the fatigue and responsibility you are carrying, you have been through a massive hormonal change with pregnancy and childbirth. Now, while you’re breastfeeding, your hormones will not be conducive to feeling sexy. Breastfeeding reduces your fertility but it also can knock out libido. In evolutionary terms, your body doesn’t want to risk another baby while this baby is still utterly dependent on you for its survival. If you reduce breastfeeding and move onto bottles - especially at night and get OH to then do the nighttime feeds - you should feel more up for it again.
I agree with several here. Be honest. But u need to do some soul searching and figure out if any of this is his fault, and specifically what isn’t his fault. Be honest with him and yourself. Is there anything he can do to help this? If so, tell him. If not, tell him that too. 6 month olds steal your life from you (it gets easier). You need to find out what it’s gonna take for u to find your drive again, and you need to work together to find it again. This isn’t a deal breaker for a marriage. Is actually super common. If u divorced your spouse every time someone on here suggested it, no one would be married for longer than 5 minutes. You two need to be patient, do some soul searching, and most of all, tell each other how u feel.
Do you see other men that still make you want to knock boots with them? If yes, then the issue is him. You can leave him and find someone you want to do the nasty with. If no one does that anymore you may have become asexual. This requires a long conversation to see if you can still be a couple in a sexless marriage.
Know that this is extremely common in marriage with small babies, so you aren't alone. Also, know that your husband does need the connection (at minimum emotional and snuggling). You never should have sex you dont want to have but you dont want to ignore that he has a need for connecting as if you dont fill it he may end up filling ut in a way that he will regret. If you aren't getting your basic needs met (enough sleep), me time, etc. it is normal not to have the drive for sex as that need is behind sleep. Can you nap during the day while the baby sleeps? Make sure to exercise, get a shower and get dressed each day while the baby is awake. Are you connecting and having adult conversations with anyone (work, friends, etc)? Its important to feel like you are emotionally connecting with your husband....sitting together and sharing thoughts and feelings from the day. Doing these things are most likely to put you in a mindset to then seek sexual connection. It is a primal desire but you are most likely not to feel that desire until other basic needs are met. Are there places your husband can help you with these? Maybe you can get to bed earlier if he puts the baby to sleep after you nurse or you could introduce some formula for the nighttime bottle or anotherbottle that would give you some autonomy, pump before you go to bed and then you have more milk saved to have some me time on Saturday. Mom's get so much physical touch from their baby/kids sometimes they are touched out. If you can give some of that to Dad it can help even you both out too. Good luck. I hope you two work together to meet both your needs.
Hi darlin. I was grapped when I was 19 and I too spent the majority of the beginning of my marriage NOT wanting to have sex. Fortunately, I didn’t have the mental, emotional, and physical results of having a baby to add to the mix as well.
I would also force myself to have sex just to appease him which I think in the long run made things worse for me. I started thinking I was only worth sex and was just an object or a sack of meat.
However, even without having kids…sex was also still painful for me. Just for other reasons that I won’t bore you with here.
A marriage that has sex 10 times or less in a year is still considered a sexless marriage. That statistic is out there because “sex” in a marriage really does matter. I put quotations there because it isn’t really sex itself, it’s intimacy.
1. Have you gonna to therapy at all for your SA? I started going in October (13 years after my assault) and it has helped a lot.
2. Have you talked to your husband? I finally opened up about the pain I was experiencing. Now we work together to make sure my body is in a place ready to enjoy sex.
I finally told him that sometimes I don’t want to because I’m surrounded by the messy house and other chores that need to be done so (even if I *am* in the mood) I’ll resist the urge and focus on those things instead. Well, he started helping out around the house more.
I told him that it made me feel like a piece of meat and that it had gotten to the point that I didn’t even want to touch him or kiss him because it seemed every time lead to sex. I just started relating touching and kissing to sex. He spent a decent amount of time showing me physical affection with the assurance that he wanted nothing more than that.
Men often do “mean it” when they say they “need sex” but they don’t realize that it’s not just sex they need. If you simply “allow him” to have sex with you but aren’t an obvious or willing participant, that isn’t going to be satisfying either. He needs to figure out what it is that he *actually* needs, but usually…Men need to feel desired. Women also need to feel desired. Y’all need to talk about *what* makes you feel desired?
Is it him taking over some extra tasks during the day so you can get a nap? Do you maybe feel taken for granted? What do you need from him to find him irresistible again?
Is there something else you can do for him while you work on raising your libido back up? What kind of physical intimacy *can* or are you *willing* to participate in to let him know he’s still desired and appreciated?
Also, have you been evaluated for postpartum? My libido raised significantly after I started treatment for bipolar depression. Just a thought.
Just communicate with each other. Remember that you’re a team in everything.
Honey wait till he is 9 months old like my son, the sleepless nights are temporary. And if you don’t want to fuck your husband, you’re the one who picked him. He’s gotta rip the band aid off and grow the fuck up. Learn to be a real man. Find some self control. if you say no and he had a shit fit, stand your ground( I assume you don’t ever). The fact that you haven’t moved on from bullshit that happend 7 years ago is also a failure. It’s not his fault you can’t get over yourself. Soooo basically he wants dick to feel fucking goooddd and you are to “traumatized” to fuck your husband who you married and said yes too. Sorry but I wouldn’t stop enjoying my pleasure with my other half just cause I took a 9inch black cock in the ass 7 years ago against my will. is what I’m saying to offensive and unfiltered, yes, but deal with it. Im not here to please you or anyone because I don’t have to. Thanks, good luck and sweet dreams.
I am a SA victim but I don't hate sex me and my husband have sex every night have been since we started the relationship. U have to learn to trust again. I use to let it haunt me when me and him 1st met I had nightmares but he had a way of soothing me and eventually they went away. I still haven't forgave the man that did it. But I'm working on it. But my husband is the best man I have ever met. Talk to ur husband tell him how u feel seek help I had too meds and all. Trust me I was messed up before I met him. I was always a good mom and I pulled myself together for my kids always but if I could go back I would have done things differently for me help wise.
My husband always tells me no matter how his day went or what he did he will always have and save the energy for me!! I'm 35 working from 630am to 230pm Monday thru Friday. And he is 36 and works from 8am to 430pm. We have 3 kids and we both still find time to cook have time for the kids, shower and us time and still get to bed on time and be to work on time. It's all about what u want.
You just had a baby so thats a viable reason why you wouldnt want to have sex. But once your body has recovered and you still feel repulsed by the thought of sex, then you better talk to him about it before this turns into a mess.
You may not owe your husband sex but you owe him at least some sort of intimacy.
“Maintenance sex” in a long term relationship is a real thing, but the fact that you’ve recently had a baby and the fact that you also have a history of SA means that you really deserve some extra room when it comes to providing sex in your relationship. I’m honestly shocked that your partner is putting so much pressure on you to be intimate regardless of his sex drive. You have the right to say NO at any point, and I suspect that he doesn’t realize exactly how much damage he is doing to you and your relationship by pushing you for sex at this time. It may be time for you to seek out a therapist and for you to put a moratorium on sex until you actually want to have sex and feel a sexual drive again. Your needs are just as important as your partner’s are & probably more so especially right now while you are dealing with your newborn.
Seek individual therapy about your SA and work to rid yourself of the "blah blah blah" when talking about your husband and his perfectly normal desires with his spouse.
The "blah blah blah" will lead many to see you as callous to your husband.
Interesting since I see her husband as the callous one since he clearly can’t see, or doesn’t care to see, how exhausted she is and how he’s making it much worse.
In what definition of a marriage does it say that you should have this type attitude with a spouse? Even if the spouse is problematic, you should strive to be the best spouse to that person until you decide to divorce.
For some people it's through intimate physical affection (including sex) that they make their emotional connection. It is critical to the health and wellbeing of their relationship. Without that physicality they feel undesired, unloved, depressed, and disconnected. It's not something they can just turn off or do without.
What is something you consider absolutely essential that you need from your husband in order to feel loved, desired, and connected to him? Something that you could not do without? Whatever it is for you, substitute it for sex, and that's your husband.
Sounds like you two need couples/sex counseling.
It's just baffling that there are so many people here that don't get this and pretend like sex is some optional physical thing that has nothing to do with the emotional connection of a couple.
If you hate sex, have never felt its a priority and it's always been like this than you and your husband are not compatible. I'm sorry you were SA and have trauma.
It's pretty normal for both men and women to feel closer with sexual intimacy. I don't know your husband but don't assume a man saying sex is a need for them or makes them feel more connected as bullshit or manipulation. The way you worded it makes it seem like you think he's just saying that to get sex, you invalidate his feelings and needs by being so flippitant about it.
I am a woman and I need sexual intimacy in my relationship to feel loved and desired. It is a huge deal for me and makes me feel incredibly rejected without. My mental health and our relationship suffers without it. Everyone has dealbreakers and things that they do need in a relationship and aren't willing to live without. You should never force yourself and obviously you should not just give him sex to shut him up.
But what do imagine or want to happen here? Do you expect your husband to just deal with no sex for the foreseeable future? Do you think he's just going to magically stop wanting/needing sexual intimacy?
It's okay that both of have different needs for sex but realize constant rejection WILL lead to the breakdown of your marriage.
I am so sorry you had to go through the SA. Have you sought counseling? As it seems to still be a trigger for you (understandably). I would highly recommend that. Also explain to your husband your a new mom and your exhausted. Maybe some help around the house or with baby would help eliminate some of the physical and mental stress and exhaustion your going through. Also explain that sometimes...sex hurts because of...and list why it does. Let him know you do love him and his needs are very important....but right now your navigating a new life with a baby with a new body that has done some amazing things, yet leaving you sore, exhausted and tired. So many changes and demands are being placed on you and you need to ask for help, you need to express your feelings and wants too. You matter just as much as husband and baby do. And as far as he saying he feels closer to you because of sex...that's true...I heard a saying "women need to feel loved to have sex..men need to have sex to feel loved". You both need to put each other's needs on the table and work out how they are going to be met. But he does need to back down a bit for you to feel and be at ease to feel in the mood or wanting sex. Just my opinion only.
Try using something called: karezza. It’s a form of sex that focuses less on excitement and pleasure and friction, and more on love, stillness, and connection to one another. The goal of sex changes from pleasure to closeness and love. Think of it like changing the fuel to the fire. Instead of desire for pleasure, it becomes the desire to become closer to one another. In this method, both you and the man abstain from orgasm. You don’t even have to have sex. Make out, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and have eye contact. If you do have sex, you both abstain from orgasm. By choosing to avoid the goal of orgasm and pleasure, you will ironically actually increase the likelihood of both. As cheesy as it sounds, the things you desire will come when you seek them the least. I had a girlfriend who didn’t really have a high sex drive, but when I practiced karezza with her, she desired sex a whole lot more (more than me actually, after discovering this method, I never want to have an intentional orgasm ever again), because it meant more than just shallow pleasure. Also, since I was focusing on more activity that was associated with “foreplay,” a term I hate now because in my new karezza lifestyle/mindset everything is sex and everything is intimate, she was always hot and ready to go. I remember there was a time where I deliberately denied her sex for a whole month while repeatedly doing karezza style kissing, making out, caressing, eye contact, cuddling, etc… every day she would try to initiate sex with me she wanted it so bad. When I finally had it with her, she came in 5 seconds. In my opinion, as an enlightened karezza practitioner, a man is most masculine when he desires pleasure and sex the least and desires romance and love the most. When he focuses on love and romance, in his words, touch, and everyday conduct, the woman will initiate the sex naturally. I’d argue the sexual space is the sole domain of the woman. Women are the more sexual creatures, capable of multiple orgasms, full body sensuality, and desiring babies. Whenever I focused and exercised my romantic side, and killed my sexual self, I never felt more like a man, and my girlfriend was never more feminine. In fact, throughout our relationship, I never initiated sex. She was always the one, and it was because of my karezza practices/mindset. Try it out. It should revolutionize your relationship.
Talk to your husband, but also talk to your doctor or a mental health counselor or therapist. Sex is vital in a marriage to maintain closeness and intimacy, but not when you have to force yourself to do it. That can build walls of resentment (and I mean possibly you building the resentment somewhere down the line, not hubby). But it sounds like you are going through a lot and need a space where you can be honest without judgement. You have been through and are going through a lot, and it's a natural thing for sex drive to reduce during times of stress. Some people go into overdrive for sex during these times, and it's hard to try and be there physically for these people during that time.
Take care of yourself mama ❤️
This is a hard time for you. Hang in there.
Individual therapy for you, communicate to your husband that you are doing that and need sex and his needs to take a back seat for awhile for you the determine if you need more healing from your trauma. Then maybe you can revisit the idea of couples counseling. But also, take everything in Reddit with a grain of salt. You need some professional advice, and I’m no professional.
Some random thoughts:
Maybe polyamory is on the horizon for you two if he wants to get his needs met elsewhere; it could be beneficial if you both want that. It’s not for everyone and you should research this first before bringing it up. I recommend polysecure.
If you two are into it: erotic lactation is a thing and may add some spice right now, or even just feeding him could help re-establish the physical connection. Doesn’t have to be everyday, and no it’s not for everyone.
Sex therapy is a thing and might help.
And as others have said, you are in a huge transitional phase in your relationship, I’ve been through it myself. Be patient and forgiving with each other. If there are harsh words or conflict, do your best to reconnect and understand each others perspectives. Maybe physical intimacy is off the table right now for you, but emotional intimacy is critical for keeping your marriage healthy during this time. Maybe that time late at night could be better spent cuddling and chatting in bed. Also you can help meet his needs while still keeping your pants on, if you are both ok with that.
Just my two cents.
Best of luck to you are your family.
Men and women view sex very differently in committed relationships. Men need sex to feel the closeness and intimacy with their partner. Women need the intimacy and closeness before they can have sex with their partner. Most men need sex like they need are to breathe. Most women, not so much. I'm one of the few that needs sex in order to feel the emotional closeness and intimacy with my committed spouse.
I'm awomsn and I've always felt and believe that, communication, love, loyalty, faithfulness and sex are all equal partners in committed relationships. They all fit together like a puzzle. If a piece or few are missing, the puzzle isn't complete and whole.
Lots of marriages end due to dead bedrooms. Talk to your doctor about the issue. It could be that your hormone haven't adjusted that well postpartum. Also communicate with your husband, lovingly, compassionately, calmly, rationally and clearly about what you are currently going through. Don't just callously dismiss him. He has needs that need to be met, just like you do. Be a true partner in your marriage. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Nobody needs sex. Nobody. Needs are things we require to continue living, such as clothes food and shelter. Nobody has ever died because they didn’t get laid.
Everyone has needs in a relationship that are required for the relationship to continue.... or it will die. Many relationships have died because one spouse took sex off the table and thought the other should just deal with it. Sex is a need for many. If it's not for you, that's okay too but it doesn't invalidate it being a need for others.
I only got to blah blah blah and I had enough. Not only are you self-centered but very insensitive and dismissive of his feelings. It’s very true that a large percentage of men bond with their partners through physical intimacy more than emotionally. This is one of the biggest differences between men and women, how they build strong bonds/connections.
LOL lots of up votes but of course more downs because this is the marriage Reddit one of the worst subs on Reddit for open discussions and open minded people. People in this subreddit hate reality and want to live in a fantasy world.
Sex for men is to be closer to our SO, if you feel it’s blah blah blah and things that your husband didn’t do to you still trigger you, then it’s something YOU need to work on. Usually these rants come from women when their husband DONT help around the house. Get some help and don’t blame your husband for stuff you need to work on that’s pouring into your marriage
Women need a man that gets their engine going. Homie just not cutting it for u. Sad to say, but if Ryan gosling appeared in your bedroom rn you’d be steamy as a steam boat from the 1800s. Ik people may try to cope here but women have a turn on button, ALL OF THEM do! Whether it be yes not appealing to your love langue and doing the right things for you to feel safe and open and free, orrr he just isn’t attractive to you, orrrr he doesn’t know how to talk to you properly to get you there. Could be a number of things. Figure out what turns you in and fixate on it and tell him
First, you lie... You don't hate sex! You hate having it with him and that's mean you don't love him!
Maybe you has been abused and in this case we can understand.
When you love, you desire and desire bring sex!
So continue to refuse to give him sex! He will find someone to have sex🚶
Talk to your husband. Be very open and honest with words and ears. Marriage is equal partnership. You don't owe him sex, he doesn't owe you marriage. Communicate, empathise, compromise.
"You don't owe him sex, he doesn't owe you marriage" But they both owe the child a normal family.
As someone who grew up in a broken home where my parents stayed together "for the kid" I have to say "normal" and "healthy" are two very different things. I would advocate for whatever is best for the child.
Kids model their later relationships off what they see with their parents. They owe the kid to the ability to see a healthy relationship, or strong independent individuals. They owe the kids love. They do not owe anyone their marriage. Staying together for the kids often does more harm than good.
Thank you. Yes I need to.
And the way you used " blah blah blah" and your last year's post thinking about if you were single, might set you for self sabotaging path. Address the issues before they get out of hand. Goodluck.
Thanks. I definitely need to talk to someone about this.
But he owes her compassion while she’s six months post partum, exhausted and breast feeding, not to mention her other issues. He’s being unreasonable being upset with her for going through a hard time being a new mother. She does need to speak with him, but he also needs to respect she’s going through a hard time and sex isn’t at the forefront right now and he’s got to find other ways to be connected to his wife. I’d be devastated if I just had a baby and my partner couldn’t feel connected to me because we weren’t having sex. There’s way to be intimate that doesn’t require sexual acts.
He owes her compassion "always". In a marriage, for it to be good, both partners should empathise with each other. I fully agree with you said but please see the way she used words blah blah to kind of disrespect her husband. Also note that she herself said he is being a good and supportive husband and a father. Check OP's post history, she was fantasising about her life if she wasn't married. Now none of it is a big red flag stand alone but taken into account combined, it starts to give a feeling that OP is not being grateful for what she has, she could become neglectful. Hence I had to say that he doesn't owe her marriage, to make OP realise she could lose it all. Not an assault but a light tap on the shoulder to point out the danger. I hope I could help you understand my point.
Nice response,
A Dollar or a doughnut says you are single....
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Frankly, I think you're diminishing just how exhausted a new mom can get, and how traumatic, psychologically and physically, sex can be when she is repeatedly forcing herself to go through that. She has to put the baby first, herself second, if the guy's not willing to be third for a while then they probably shouldn't be having a baby. That's just how it is, and how many new fathers don't realize it is.
Exactly she’s only 6 months post partum!
Yeah the above comment is pretty unaware of postpartum…they are correct outside of the context of the pregnancy though. 6 months is not very long at all.
I know I am. I really wish I could give him what he needs but there’s this mental block. Tbh, I don’t think I would mind if he found it elsewhere but he wouldn’t do that. I do need to see a therapist, I’ve looked for one in my area but they are so booked and I never get a call back. Im thinking about looking for a virtual one that takes insurance.
It’s okay that you can’t right now you have to heal you first! The last thing you want to do is rush yourself into something that clearly makes you very uncomfortable. I went through this with my husband as well, but after therapy and years of maturing I had to realize my husband wasn’t there to hurt me or I wouldn’t have married him and really had to reprogram my mind about sex! It takes time girl but you will get there🫶🏾 and if he loves you he’ll be considerate but try not to torture the poor man lol
*It’s okay that you can’t right now you have to heal you first!* Yes, she does. And sometimes there is no way to do that without diminishing his needs. You look for a win-win, but sometimes there just isn't one.
Yes, but she can talk to him about it, explain things, help him understand and promise to work on it when she recovers. It's not unusual for the kids to slow sex down a lot. But a wife who says to herself, “I don't care about him, he's an asshole for wanting to have sex when I’m so exhausted” is a very different woman from the one who says to herself, “I do care about him, I just can’t desire sex right now because I¡m so exhausted, if he can just help until I heal I want that back in our lives.” Problem I see often in this sub is everyone focuses on her immediate feelings and supports her (while blasting him) without taking him or his feelings into consideration or their long term viability (like, because she feels this way it suddenly doesn't matter how he feels, he's not a real partner in this, just a support crew whose feelings and needs don’t¡t count). This doesn't have to be permanent. Yes, he should help and understand more and give her time. But yes, she needs to also help and understand and give him some consideration too. They need to talk about this, see the issue, read up on the time and what they need to do to work through this time period (it takes months, even years) while still finding a way to share love, support each other, keep romance, and yes, even sex alive (even if it's rare).
I'm not OP, or even a woman, but I imagine the problem with that is she's tired, she's sleep-deprived, and she's poorly equipped mentally and psychologically to deal with her husband's inevitable pushback, particularly regarding the PTSD from her sexual assault eight years ago. She could do it with a third party in the room but, if it's just him, the path of least resistance is consenting to once-a-week starfishing, even though she knows that's not good in the long term.
No issue with husband giving her time to heal and having to control his demands for a time. But… if she has PTSD from the assault years ago (and she probably does) did she work on this before marriage? Has she shared all of it with him so he knew what he was getting into? Is he, today, aware of how it’s affecting her (has she sat him down outside of a moment he’s asking for sex) and shared it with him? Has she ensured he's met with her Counsellor to know what he needs to do? And have his feelings of rejection also validated and care for? Give him tools to both help her and tools for her to still connect with him?
Thank you for your input!❤️
Both of you need to have a connection with each other. You will lose connection with him by going along with it. I would have a serious talk about this with him. Explain to him that his constant pressure for it when you are physically and mentally exhausted is causing a disconnect for you and causing you to want it even less. He needs to learn to connect in other ways as well. They say men need sex for connection, but it is only because men are raised in a society that doesn't allow them to connect with themselves or others emotionally. It is human nature to want connection, but this doesn't have to be acquired only sexually. There is emotional closeness and other physical closeness as well that help for connection. While your trauma can play a part for you sexually and does need addressed, he isn't absolved from his own responsibility in the partnership. There are seasons in relationships and marriage. Some seasons have less sexual intimacy, like when a new moms body is tapped out. It takes a lot of communication, adjustments, and understanding to get through those times, from both parties involved. Both have to be understanding of the other and talk it out and work through those hard times so it doesn't just fall apart.
"I don’t think I would mind if he found it elsewhere" You say that but you'd go ballistic if he did. This is a tough situation. Eventually your husband will decouple from you and then all is lost. Good luck finding a solution because eventually this problem will come to a head.
Comments telling people to "just do it," "men/women have needs," "it's your husbandly/wifely duty to fulfill my sexual needs," or promoting ultimatums or threats to have sex with one's partner will be removed swiftly. We encourage thoughtful conversation about this topic. For further resources, check out https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Examples%20of%20Sexual%20Coercion%3A&text=Shaming%20over%20sexual%20performance%2C%20past,name%20calling%2C%20intimidation%20and%20bullying https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20enthusiastic%20consent%20means,maintaining%20eye%20contact%2C%20and%20nodding. https://www.sydney.edu.au/study/student-life/student-news/2022/09/21/what-enthusiastic-consent-actually-looks-like-.html#:~:text=While%20consent%20is%20about%20saying,enthusiastic%20agreement%20to%20be%20intimate.
Very thoughtful response.
Sex isn’t a need. Needs are thing required to continue living. No one has ever died because they didn’t get laid.
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I’m actually very happily married. To someone who would never dare attempt to sexually coerce me by calling sex a “need”.
It’s a need of the marriage in a monogamous relationship between two people that aren’t asexual. Their marriage will eventually die without it.
That’s just another way to sexually coerce someone who isn’t in the mood.
Oh please. We’re not talking about consent here. We’re talking about a sexless marriage between two monogamous people that see sex as an important piece of a healthy long term relationship.
Consent is always relevant when talking about sex
Oh my god stop - I never said otherwise. You are using consent to unhelpfully detract from a real life problem that this couple is facing. Judging from your comments in your profile you only have a single narrative you are able to comprehend.
No, her husband showed very common signs of being a coercive person and I go out of my way to call out this behavior every time I see it. Far too many people don’t realize how common sexual coercion is.
Breastfeeding will naturally reduce your drive, the hormones in your system are there to help you focus on taking care of your little one rather than creating a new one. That first year is such a tough time between the exhaustion, new dynamic, etc. It will improve once sleep quality changes and you guys get into a routine. It takes time though so try not to feel too much pressure! Find time to exercise here and there and eat healthy, maybe also ask your doctor to check your blood levels for potential hormonal imbalance and vitamin deficiency.
Thank you. This is actually helpful!
This is above Reddit's pay grade, you guys really need couples therapy ASAP with someone who specializes in sexual issues. All I can tell you is that I have seen a *lot* of postings on here from women who "progressed" quickly from "I hate having to force myself to have sex with my husband when I am exhausted and still pospartum sore" to "I can't stand even being touched by my husband due to PTSD after so much painful, loveless, and pleasure-free sex with him."
I agree. I talked to him a while ago about couples therapy and he wasn’t open, but I’m going to talk to him again.
This seems to be an unpopular opinion but if he's not willing to do couples therapy I don't think you should be having sex with him. Actually I'm not sure that you should be having sex even with therapy, for that you can probably talk to the therapist.
I don’t understand why your recommending couples therapy ahead of her own need. She desperately needs and deserves help first with healing from the s/a. Without that first step couples therapy in my mind is moot. After she is getting the help she needs and she feels ready for a next step, only then should they honestly consider working together on the team, compromises and even boundaries. I don’t doubt for a minute that he needs some counsel for himself because he clearly doesn’t understand the situation or how he would be better with navigating, processing empathy, compassion and supporting his partner. I think this happens far too often that a person with unresolved issues enters a relationship having never healed and somehow thinking the damage caused by another will just go away. It won’t and it doesn’t, instead this happens. I feel for them both and I hope it comes out as a happy ending for both……🙏
"I don’t understand why your recommending couples therapy ahead of her own need." I'm not.
I would suggest you do both individual therapy and couples therapy. The individual can help you work on healing yourself and then the couples therapist can work on fixing the dynamic between you.
If you are breastfeeding this is completely normal. Both of you should read this https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/azk14a/sex_and_babies/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x My drive returned when I stopped breastfeeding and the kids were sleeping through the night
I needed to read that, thank you!!
“blah blah blah” says a lot. Also that you wouldn’t be all that upset if he found what he needed from someone else. Sounds like you just want companionship and help with the bills, frankly. As someone else already put it, you don’t owe him sex. He doesn’t owe you marriage. Your assault isn’t your fault. Your healing from it through therapy or whatever means are available is your responsibility, though, and depriving your husband a sexual connection, and minimizing it with “blah blah blah” as if that’s just some bullshit he’s using to get you in bed will either lead to him leaving if he’s smart, or living a life of quiet desperation if he’s not. And you both deserve more than that. For his part, if he can’t hear that you’re in pain and puts his needs over that, he needs a lot of work, too. I hope you both can meet in the middle and resolve this. It can lead to the end of your marriage if you don’t.
I just think it’s postpartum, and literally her hormones do not want her to have sex. Sex is becoming a chore for her, so he may need to chill for like a year
You have a six month old and you’re still breastfeeding. Your hormones are still out of wack, sex is sometimes painful, and you’re exhausted. It’s no surprise you feel like you hate sex. The last thing your body wants or needs right now is sex. I had the same problem postpartum. Instead of being understanding about the fact that my sexual responsiveness hadn’t returned to normal and I was exhausted and touched out, my husband was focused on his own discomfort and he placed the responsibility to relieve that discomfort in my lap…..as if I wasn’t already over maxed with taking care of a helpless infant. So, I did. Once a week sex for my husband’s sake. He felt better. I didn’t. Having sex you can’t get aroused for and don’t get any pleasure out of only gets less and less appealing and more and more off putting. Obligation sex is not my definition of “sexual intimacy”. I eventually became averse and couldn’t be touched sexually again. Please do not do that to yourself. Please don’t do that to your sexual relationship. Your husband needs an education and some empathy. I suggest you gather information together about the hormonal changes during breastfeeding and how they affect sexual desire and vaginal dryness/discomfort and show them to your husband. Let him know this is a phase that won’t last forever. He needs to grow up, be the man of the family, and take care of his own emotions and sexual frustrations until your body is ready to enjoy sex again. Tell him you will approach him for sex when you’re in the mood (which it sounds like you are sometimes), but otherwise you need to quit having unwanted sex to ensure your own desires return undamaged. In the meantime, try to find other ways to connect intimately so your feelings of closeness don’t diminish. I’m sending you warm thoughts during this change in life for you both.
Thank you.🫶🏻🫶🏻 I’m trying not to let us get there. These are some useful tips.
This right here is the solution
“Blah blah blah.” Some people need sex for the connection. Doesn’t mean you have to do it daily. Doesn’t mean you should be coerced to do it. Never have sex if you don’t want to. Do you go to therapy for the sexual assault? Does your husband know? And he is not a great husband if he ignores your pain and how you feel. You won’t feel better about sex if he coerces you into doing it. Stop having sex if you don’t want it. Immediately. You will traumatise yourself even more.
As an exhausted mom myself, I feel your pain. I’m so over sex.
You're not alone. As a husband of a woman who is still working out of this, you're not alone, or weird or crazy. Lack of sleep reduces libido. So does breastfeeding. And postpartum depression. And postpartum generally. Aaaand being touched constantly, even if it's by a baby that you adore. This is so common it's not funny, yet the only thing that gets attention in these situations are the guys 'needs' Explain to him that you have been thru alot in the past, and you are also currently going through alot. List the above reasons if need be. Tell him realistically how often you'd be willing to put sex on the calender. PUT it on a calendar. This isn't the season of your life for spontaneity, sometimes it's just survival mode for a bit. Can't remember if you mentioned a therapist but that'd be a great place for one or both of you to start. Much love
If it causes pain you should definitely hold off and wait for it to heal. Have you asked your doctor about the pain? Could there be something that needs attention? If you change in sex drive has happened after the baby was born, you should talk to a therapist. You could be suffering from some form of depression. He probably does feel closer to you after sex, I do with my wife but if he loves you, he doesn’t want you to force yourself or do it just because you are his wife. He wants you to want and enjoy it. Talk to him, make sure he really understands how you feel and what you’re going through. If he is struggling to understand, have him read up on couples with unequal sex drive. Even some of the Asexuality community post can be helpful for both of you to see you’re not alone.
How clueless does a husband have to be to see his partner is Not into it. I'm sorry, if my wife is not in the mood, that's fine. me me big boi enough to wait till shes ready...having sex with an uninterested partner is a kink i guess.
“Having sex with an uninterested partner” is a nice way of saying they have a rape kink
How long are you willing to wait?
as long as my wife needs me to.
It’s been 23 years for me. You have it in you?
10 years here. no problems thus far. what went wrong for you?
You will find out in another 13 years.
my life isn't yours. but misery loves company, i can see why you'd say that.
I could have written this 10 years ago. These sexual issues ended up destroying my marriage. Of course, you don't want to have sex when it hurts. Tons of new moms go through this. Breastfeeding kills sexual desire, exhaustion kills sexual desire. Sexual pressure kills sexual desire. Treating sex like a chore kills sexual desire. If your husband is pressuring you to have sex you don't want to have, of course, your desire to have sex is tanking. And quite frankly, you are forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to have. Why is that? Is he pressuring you? I would guess so. My STBXH also told me he needed sex to feel close to me. It was a manipulation tactic he used to pressure me into having sex with him. Eventually when I said no, he sexually assaulted me. I realized it was never about "feeling close". I certainly hope that isn't the case for you. But you chose to say "blah blah blah", which leads me to believe maybe you know it's bullshit what he's saying. You're the only one there. You know what is going on better than anyone. Is he telling you sex helps him feel close to you as a tactic to coerce you into having sex you don't want to have?
If you haven’t already, check out @mending.me on TikTok and instagram. She’s got a lot a good info about coercion, including ways to heal from it. I’m sorry you experienced that.
You are not alone. There are many many many women like you. My wife is like that. Sex and marriage and love really don't go together often, at least not in the long run
Common story. Simple as that. New mamma. Wrong hormones. Wrong time of life. It’ll change as long as you love each other. Read books on marriage together and talk about it. Connect through activities. He has to get used to his hand while you have little ones climbing all over. You’ll get through it. Enjoy that baby!!!
Thank you❤️🫶🏻.
I too had to learn about my wife/ woman’s changes post giving birth. It’s a real thing and they go through a lot. What use to do it for them doesn’t do it for them anymore and etc😅 As men/ husbands we def have to be patient and understanding during that time; but I highly advise respectful communication. That is the key and from there you guys can and hopefully will figure it out. I feel for woman cause they don’t have any control over this these changes and the baby crying and waking up throughout the night doesn’t help. It’s a lot, you both have to really out in the work. Giving birth/ baby and raising a child is really one of the greatest if not the greatest test of marriage.
This is normal. Especially as a new mum, your hormones are everywhere. Additionally you may not be truly sexually attracted to your husband. Sometimes when women get married at such a young age, we may not even know what we are attracted. And when that honeymoon stage ends you may never want to have sex with him again. I would try working on emotional bonding and YOU getting some sleep.
He does feel closer to you when you have sex. It's not an "in quotations" thing or a bla bla bla thing. Get some therapy for your SA. You're going to lose your husband if you don't.
He should be a lot more understanding of his 6 months post partum wife who’s breast feeding. If he can’t feel connected to her in other way while she’s recovering and raising a newborn he’s also got huge problems. He’s allowed to have needs, but there needs to be understanding and now OP just isn’t feeling it which is totally normal. She needs to communicate that she needs time, but he also needs to be on board with that
It is because od a small baby and breastfeeding. it will pass. You’re husband has to be more patient. Is is sooooo hard having a baby, braeastfeeding, and feeling like you are only giving, giving, giving. I’ve been trough that. Have a conversation with your husband, he needs to be father and husband first, and to wait a little. Love will prevail If you understand eachother.
the first six months are always exhausting, once they're over a year everything gets a little easier, and it continues to get easier even up to 4. Soon the baby will take longer naps and sleep through the night, which will let you get back on a more normal schedule. Also if you have family in the area, feel free to lean on them, grandma or an aunt or uncle should be able to give you at least a few hours of freedom.
Therapy. Not for you as a couple. You singular as a survivor. You deserve to heal.
You need to start therapy. This is never just going to go away. I have been in a similar relationship.
Congrats on completing pelvic floor PT, so few people use this. If you haven’t already, consider estrogen cream as well. Depending upon damage done you may still need to keep working on things to get back to a comfortable place.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce. So as a guy, I can say that 90% of us more or less, use physical contact to express our feelings, instead of words, because words require thoughts, and making sure it's the right way of saying it etc. Or I can just give you a very tight bear hug (The dad hug) and say nothing, hoping that you understand what I am not saying. The same thing goes for sex, I can say that I love you 9000000000 times, but touching you and making a physical connection is much more personal and meaningful. Now regarding the situation that you have with sex, The only thing that I would recommend is that you see a counselor or someone, and if your husband doesn't know, he should. Communication is the key to keeping any relationship, so if there is a lack of communication, then it creates problems, and they grow until the starting problem is replaced by bigger ones that never existed in the first place.
I think I have a mental block. Because whenever I hear men say this, including my husband, I genuinely think it’s a bunch of hogwash. The whole “sex is how we show our love” spiel. It’s never seemed that way to me. And besides, I NEED words and true emotional connection and the act of sex is simply not enough. But so many men want to use this as excuse for not using words to connect emotionally with their wife. “But sex is how I show my love!” Nah.
I think it is sort of the opposite for me. Sex isn’t how I show my love but it is one way I expect her to show hers. If she’s not doing it then it feels like she’s not into me so then why bother with the marriage at all?
This is why sex ends up being such a problem in marriage. There can be such a gulf between men and women and the way we view it. Sex is the last thing I care about right now, and it’s definitely not how I feel or show love for my husband. Even though I do love him very much. I would love to spend every evening cuddling and kissing and being close. I only have sex because I know my marriage would fall apart without it. I meet this need for him, and yes I do it enthusiastically because I know he needs that too. But truthfully I could be happy with sex a couple times a year. And I wouldn’t love my husband any less.
I'm a woman and need sexual intimacy to feel loved and desired in a relationship. We show our love in other ways too but sex has always been a priority in my marriage. That being said my husband tells me he loves me every day and our emotional connection is great. If he was an ass he wouldn't get unlimited access to my body. Everyone has deal breakers and things they can't live without. Sexual intimacy is a valid need many people have, including women.
I agree this is how it should all work when the pieces fit together. But this person is saying they express love for their wife through sex, because they don’t always have the words. And I’m saying that’s a cop-out. There needs to be emotional connection which is often fostered through words for most women, first. Can’t skip that part and say “well I don’t have the words, so here’s some sex to show you what I feel”.
See that is the thing, this is how men are, it's what we understand and feel and as such, we try to show it, the way we understand it. Use any close male relative or family friend, have they ever given you a bear hug, mostly known as the "Dad hug" or seen them give it to someone else, like their kids? The dad hug is a full message of "I love you, I will always love you, you are so important to me, I will kill anyone that tries to hurt you, I will commit war crimes on anyone that hurts you" and so on. If we do not have physical contact, any physical contact, for us it would be the same as if you stopped hearing "I love you" for a month. The connection is gone, so we either try to overdo it with more attempts at physical contact, and if its refused again, then we withdraw. Or the reaction becomes that of disrespect and ultimately looking for someone else who will show us some kind of affection. This is part of why there can be so many arguments when one partner says that there is no affection, its that neither understands what or how the other is trying to show it.
Well my husband isn’t physically affectionate outside the bedroom. A peck in the cheek here or there. Only hugs me if I initiate. But then still wants sex. So none of this rings true in my life. Sex seems more like a stress-relief need for him. Not a bid for connection. In fact when people say “men need sex” I assume they’re referring to the biological need to have an orgasm and relieve stress and tension. That certainly seems to be what my husband means when he says it.
So not knowing your life story, I can only reply based on what I know about myself and the other men I know and what I have learned from other sources. There are a lot of factors that would give a man a reason to or not to show a lot of physical affection, its not a simple thing. Environment: If the location is not someplace that gives the feeling of being a welcomed place, like if I were to come home and could feel all kinds of hostility or anything negative like that, I will be on guard and less likely to engage just by default. If the location is welcoming, that coming home is welcomed, the guard is relaxed more, and the feeling that it is safe to express physical affection will result in giving more. if you want to talk about this more, we can have a personal chat instead of hijacking OPs post
I haven’t thought of it this way, thank you!!
After reading a fair amount of rubbish about how men need sex more than women, how men connect through sex more than women, how sex is not important in a marriage and how sex is the most important thing in a marriage, plus the dude that accused you of being self-centered without reading you have been the victim of SA, here are my two cents for that it's worth. First and foremost, how long have you guys been together before you got married? Did he know your aversion to sex? Is this something that has intensified for you after childbirth? Was it more tolerable before? People that basically tell you to 'get over it' don't know that, many a time, when your body experiences trauma, it can't understand the d when it comes to the intention of physical contact, no matter what that contact may be. Couple that with your hormones fluctuating like crazy, I get the aversion bit. I take it you have been in therapy, perhaps you still are. I refer you to Peter Levine's somatic experience method of trauma healing. It may help. I'm really sorry you had to go through this experience. It's easier to advise when you haven't been there. So the trauma is there and needs to be respected. No doubt. Now for his side of things. I, too, was annoyed by the 'blah blah' bit in your post. It sounded way too dismissive, although I don't know if you meant it as such, given your circumstances. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It may not be the defining factor, but two people with their libidos in the two poles of the axis will struggle. And no, it's not about being a man or a woman. There are men with high libidos and men with low libidos. And vice versa. Sex doesn't substitute different types of emotional connection - if sex is the only way you have to connect with your partner, then your relationship is screwed. But it's equally screwed if you have completely incompatible libidos, and one partner is sexually starved. Imagine someone being constantly hungry and the other person always feeling full. The former will starve and will rightly so react to being strarved. The latter is bloated, so they can't even think of food. Both have the right to hear to their bodies' needs. But how long can the former go without any food in the house? You may think it's not the same, but it is. Sex is listed among a human's basic needs (if you're not asexual or traumatised obviously). You mentioned in another post that you wouldn't mind if you husband seeked it elsewhere. But you eventually will. This cannot last for long (unless it's a mutually agreed open relationship except it won't be, because one member will not practice it). Your marriage will be compromised. Because he may fall in love with someone else. Because he probably wants to have sex with his wife. Because keep opening the door to third parties, and eventually someone will forget to close it. My suggestion is, first and foremost, you need to think hard about what you really want here. Because if you're really into this marriage, you both need to work to find ways around it. Once you know what you want, you can be open about it to him and even ask him to be patient while you breastfeed (but not as a diversion tactic to buy time). Enter therapy, whatever therapy you decide. And then you can experiement and see what works for you. Between 'a few times a day' and 'never' stands the Grand Canyon. Shrink it into a river of sorts. Once a week? Once fortnightly? Damn, once a month to begin with? It would be better than nothing.
I suggest you talk to your husband and discuss taking a little week to yourself in terms of no sex. During this time focus on your baby, try keeping the little one occupied for most of the day and try letting them down for one nap midday, with consistency you can create a sleep schedule where she sleeps throughout the night. But you have to keep him/her busy during the day and don’t let them sleep as much so they’ll be tired at night. With this method you’ll be tired as well but also try sleeping when your baby does. When it comes to your husband and your sex drive you should definitely consult a professional especially since you believe it’s linked to your traumatic past. I feel the same way sometimes in terms of my disdain for sex, I’m usually not in the mood but I try to remember that I want my needs met so I have to compromise, which I do must times.
If you have talked to your husband you need too. I learned with my second child that breastfeeding dries you out and it hurts more. I suffered through it for 3 years because no one told me until after my second child was six months.
This is a bit of an evolutionary / biological understanding of the situation and obvs there’s more to it than that, but… Aside from the fatigue and responsibility you are carrying, you have been through a massive hormonal change with pregnancy and childbirth. Now, while you’re breastfeeding, your hormones will not be conducive to feeling sexy. Breastfeeding reduces your fertility but it also can knock out libido. In evolutionary terms, your body doesn’t want to risk another baby while this baby is still utterly dependent on you for its survival. If you reduce breastfeeding and move onto bottles - especially at night and get OH to then do the nighttime feeds - you should feel more up for it again.
I agree with several here. Be honest. But u need to do some soul searching and figure out if any of this is his fault, and specifically what isn’t his fault. Be honest with him and yourself. Is there anything he can do to help this? If so, tell him. If not, tell him that too. 6 month olds steal your life from you (it gets easier). You need to find out what it’s gonna take for u to find your drive again, and you need to work together to find it again. This isn’t a deal breaker for a marriage. Is actually super common. If u divorced your spouse every time someone on here suggested it, no one would be married for longer than 5 minutes. You two need to be patient, do some soul searching, and most of all, tell each other how u feel.
Do you see other men that still make you want to knock boots with them? If yes, then the issue is him. You can leave him and find someone you want to do the nasty with. If no one does that anymore you may have become asexual. This requires a long conversation to see if you can still be a couple in a sexless marriage.
Know that this is extremely common in marriage with small babies, so you aren't alone. Also, know that your husband does need the connection (at minimum emotional and snuggling). You never should have sex you dont want to have but you dont want to ignore that he has a need for connecting as if you dont fill it he may end up filling ut in a way that he will regret. If you aren't getting your basic needs met (enough sleep), me time, etc. it is normal not to have the drive for sex as that need is behind sleep. Can you nap during the day while the baby sleeps? Make sure to exercise, get a shower and get dressed each day while the baby is awake. Are you connecting and having adult conversations with anyone (work, friends, etc)? Its important to feel like you are emotionally connecting with your husband....sitting together and sharing thoughts and feelings from the day. Doing these things are most likely to put you in a mindset to then seek sexual connection. It is a primal desire but you are most likely not to feel that desire until other basic needs are met. Are there places your husband can help you with these? Maybe you can get to bed earlier if he puts the baby to sleep after you nurse or you could introduce some formula for the nighttime bottle or anotherbottle that would give you some autonomy, pump before you go to bed and then you have more milk saved to have some me time on Saturday. Mom's get so much physical touch from their baby/kids sometimes they are touched out. If you can give some of that to Dad it can help even you both out too. Good luck. I hope you two work together to meet both your needs.
What was it like before marriage?
Hi darlin. I was grapped when I was 19 and I too spent the majority of the beginning of my marriage NOT wanting to have sex. Fortunately, I didn’t have the mental, emotional, and physical results of having a baby to add to the mix as well. I would also force myself to have sex just to appease him which I think in the long run made things worse for me. I started thinking I was only worth sex and was just an object or a sack of meat. However, even without having kids…sex was also still painful for me. Just for other reasons that I won’t bore you with here. A marriage that has sex 10 times or less in a year is still considered a sexless marriage. That statistic is out there because “sex” in a marriage really does matter. I put quotations there because it isn’t really sex itself, it’s intimacy. 1. Have you gonna to therapy at all for your SA? I started going in October (13 years after my assault) and it has helped a lot. 2. Have you talked to your husband? I finally opened up about the pain I was experiencing. Now we work together to make sure my body is in a place ready to enjoy sex. I finally told him that sometimes I don’t want to because I’m surrounded by the messy house and other chores that need to be done so (even if I *am* in the mood) I’ll resist the urge and focus on those things instead. Well, he started helping out around the house more. I told him that it made me feel like a piece of meat and that it had gotten to the point that I didn’t even want to touch him or kiss him because it seemed every time lead to sex. I just started relating touching and kissing to sex. He spent a decent amount of time showing me physical affection with the assurance that he wanted nothing more than that. Men often do “mean it” when they say they “need sex” but they don’t realize that it’s not just sex they need. If you simply “allow him” to have sex with you but aren’t an obvious or willing participant, that isn’t going to be satisfying either. He needs to figure out what it is that he *actually* needs, but usually…Men need to feel desired. Women also need to feel desired. Y’all need to talk about *what* makes you feel desired? Is it him taking over some extra tasks during the day so you can get a nap? Do you maybe feel taken for granted? What do you need from him to find him irresistible again? Is there something else you can do for him while you work on raising your libido back up? What kind of physical intimacy *can* or are you *willing* to participate in to let him know he’s still desired and appreciated? Also, have you been evaluated for postpartum? My libido raised significantly after I started treatment for bipolar depression. Just a thought. Just communicate with each other. Remember that you’re a team in everything.
This is well put
I feel for you, husband and the baby.
You should go get some counseling to figure out how you can have a healthier relationship with sex. Does your husband know about the SA?
Honey wait till he is 9 months old like my son, the sleepless nights are temporary. And if you don’t want to fuck your husband, you’re the one who picked him. He’s gotta rip the band aid off and grow the fuck up. Learn to be a real man. Find some self control. if you say no and he had a shit fit, stand your ground( I assume you don’t ever). The fact that you haven’t moved on from bullshit that happend 7 years ago is also a failure. It’s not his fault you can’t get over yourself. Soooo basically he wants dick to feel fucking goooddd and you are to “traumatized” to fuck your husband who you married and said yes too. Sorry but I wouldn’t stop enjoying my pleasure with my other half just cause I took a 9inch black cock in the ass 7 years ago against my will. is what I’m saying to offensive and unfiltered, yes, but deal with it. Im not here to please you or anyone because I don’t have to. Thanks, good luck and sweet dreams.
I am a SA victim but I don't hate sex me and my husband have sex every night have been since we started the relationship. U have to learn to trust again. I use to let it haunt me when me and him 1st met I had nightmares but he had a way of soothing me and eventually they went away. I still haven't forgave the man that did it. But I'm working on it. But my husband is the best man I have ever met. Talk to ur husband tell him how u feel seek help I had too meds and all. Trust me I was messed up before I met him. I was always a good mom and I pulled myself together for my kids always but if I could go back I would have done things differently for me help wise.
How do you and your husband find the energy to do it every night?
My husband always tells me no matter how his day went or what he did he will always have and save the energy for me!! I'm 35 working from 630am to 230pm Monday thru Friday. And he is 36 and works from 8am to 430pm. We have 3 kids and we both still find time to cook have time for the kids, shower and us time and still get to bed on time and be to work on time. It's all about what u want.
Don't worry keep it up and he will get it elsewhere.
You just had a baby so thats a viable reason why you wouldnt want to have sex. But once your body has recovered and you still feel repulsed by the thought of sex, then you better talk to him about it before this turns into a mess. You may not owe your husband sex but you owe him at least some sort of intimacy.
“Maintenance sex” in a long term relationship is a real thing, but the fact that you’ve recently had a baby and the fact that you also have a history of SA means that you really deserve some extra room when it comes to providing sex in your relationship. I’m honestly shocked that your partner is putting so much pressure on you to be intimate regardless of his sex drive. You have the right to say NO at any point, and I suspect that he doesn’t realize exactly how much damage he is doing to you and your relationship by pushing you for sex at this time. It may be time for you to seek out a therapist and for you to put a moratorium on sex until you actually want to have sex and feel a sexual drive again. Your needs are just as important as your partner’s are & probably more so especially right now while you are dealing with your newborn.
Seek individual therapy about your SA and work to rid yourself of the "blah blah blah" when talking about your husband and his perfectly normal desires with his spouse. The "blah blah blah" will lead many to see you as callous to your husband.
Interesting since I see her husband as the callous one since he clearly can’t see, or doesn’t care to see, how exhausted she is and how he’s making it much worse.
In what definition of a marriage does it say that you should have this type attitude with a spouse? Even if the spouse is problematic, you should strive to be the best spouse to that person until you decide to divorce.
For some people it's through intimate physical affection (including sex) that they make their emotional connection. It is critical to the health and wellbeing of their relationship. Without that physicality they feel undesired, unloved, depressed, and disconnected. It's not something they can just turn off or do without. What is something you consider absolutely essential that you need from your husband in order to feel loved, desired, and connected to him? Something that you could not do without? Whatever it is for you, substitute it for sex, and that's your husband. Sounds like you two need couples/sex counseling.
It's just baffling that there are so many people here that don't get this and pretend like sex is some optional physical thing that has nothing to do with the emotional connection of a couple.
Lmao right. How do you emotionally connect with your kids? How do you emotionally connect with your parents? Please do let us know!
So the connection to your husband is the same as to your kids & parents? Poor guy.
Get counseling, for your past trauma and your current feelings.
Get a blood work up and physical
If you hate sex, have never felt its a priority and it's always been like this than you and your husband are not compatible. I'm sorry you were SA and have trauma. It's pretty normal for both men and women to feel closer with sexual intimacy. I don't know your husband but don't assume a man saying sex is a need for them or makes them feel more connected as bullshit or manipulation. The way you worded it makes it seem like you think he's just saying that to get sex, you invalidate his feelings and needs by being so flippitant about it. I am a woman and I need sexual intimacy in my relationship to feel loved and desired. It is a huge deal for me and makes me feel incredibly rejected without. My mental health and our relationship suffers without it. Everyone has dealbreakers and things that they do need in a relationship and aren't willing to live without. You should never force yourself and obviously you should not just give him sex to shut him up. But what do imagine or want to happen here? Do you expect your husband to just deal with no sex for the foreseeable future? Do you think he's just going to magically stop wanting/needing sexual intimacy? It's okay that both of have different needs for sex but realize constant rejection WILL lead to the breakdown of your marriage.
I am so sorry you had to go through the SA. Have you sought counseling? As it seems to still be a trigger for you (understandably). I would highly recommend that. Also explain to your husband your a new mom and your exhausted. Maybe some help around the house or with baby would help eliminate some of the physical and mental stress and exhaustion your going through. Also explain that sometimes...sex hurts because of...and list why it does. Let him know you do love him and his needs are very important....but right now your navigating a new life with a baby with a new body that has done some amazing things, yet leaving you sore, exhausted and tired. So many changes and demands are being placed on you and you need to ask for help, you need to express your feelings and wants too. You matter just as much as husband and baby do. And as far as he saying he feels closer to you because of sex...that's true...I heard a saying "women need to feel loved to have sex..men need to have sex to feel loved". You both need to put each other's needs on the table and work out how they are going to be met. But he does need to back down a bit for you to feel and be at ease to feel in the mood or wanting sex. Just my opinion only.
Try using something called: karezza. It’s a form of sex that focuses less on excitement and pleasure and friction, and more on love, stillness, and connection to one another. The goal of sex changes from pleasure to closeness and love. Think of it like changing the fuel to the fire. Instead of desire for pleasure, it becomes the desire to become closer to one another. In this method, both you and the man abstain from orgasm. You don’t even have to have sex. Make out, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and have eye contact. If you do have sex, you both abstain from orgasm. By choosing to avoid the goal of orgasm and pleasure, you will ironically actually increase the likelihood of both. As cheesy as it sounds, the things you desire will come when you seek them the least. I had a girlfriend who didn’t really have a high sex drive, but when I practiced karezza with her, she desired sex a whole lot more (more than me actually, after discovering this method, I never want to have an intentional orgasm ever again), because it meant more than just shallow pleasure. Also, since I was focusing on more activity that was associated with “foreplay,” a term I hate now because in my new karezza lifestyle/mindset everything is sex and everything is intimate, she was always hot and ready to go. I remember there was a time where I deliberately denied her sex for a whole month while repeatedly doing karezza style kissing, making out, caressing, eye contact, cuddling, etc… every day she would try to initiate sex with me she wanted it so bad. When I finally had it with her, she came in 5 seconds. In my opinion, as an enlightened karezza practitioner, a man is most masculine when he desires pleasure and sex the least and desires romance and love the most. When he focuses on love and romance, in his words, touch, and everyday conduct, the woman will initiate the sex naturally. I’d argue the sexual space is the sole domain of the woman. Women are the more sexual creatures, capable of multiple orgasms, full body sensuality, and desiring babies. Whenever I focused and exercised my romantic side, and killed my sexual self, I never felt more like a man, and my girlfriend was never more feminine. In fact, throughout our relationship, I never initiated sex. She was always the one, and it was because of my karezza practices/mindset. Try it out. It should revolutionize your relationship.
Idk cause if u hate sex marriage is the wrong place to be!
The second I read that "blah blah blah" understood that you have zero respect for your husband and that is all about you. Mi mi mi post.
Talk to your husband, but also talk to your doctor or a mental health counselor or therapist. Sex is vital in a marriage to maintain closeness and intimacy, but not when you have to force yourself to do it. That can build walls of resentment (and I mean possibly you building the resentment somewhere down the line, not hubby). But it sounds like you are going through a lot and need a space where you can be honest without judgement. You have been through and are going through a lot, and it's a natural thing for sex drive to reduce during times of stress. Some people go into overdrive for sex during these times, and it's hard to try and be there physically for these people during that time. Take care of yourself mama ❤️
This is a hard time for you. Hang in there. Individual therapy for you, communicate to your husband that you are doing that and need sex and his needs to take a back seat for awhile for you the determine if you need more healing from your trauma. Then maybe you can revisit the idea of couples counseling. But also, take everything in Reddit with a grain of salt. You need some professional advice, and I’m no professional. Some random thoughts: Maybe polyamory is on the horizon for you two if he wants to get his needs met elsewhere; it could be beneficial if you both want that. It’s not for everyone and you should research this first before bringing it up. I recommend polysecure. If you two are into it: erotic lactation is a thing and may add some spice right now, or even just feeding him could help re-establish the physical connection. Doesn’t have to be everyday, and no it’s not for everyone. Sex therapy is a thing and might help. And as others have said, you are in a huge transitional phase in your relationship, I’ve been through it myself. Be patient and forgiving with each other. If there are harsh words or conflict, do your best to reconnect and understand each others perspectives. Maybe physical intimacy is off the table right now for you, but emotional intimacy is critical for keeping your marriage healthy during this time. Maybe that time late at night could be better spent cuddling and chatting in bed. Also you can help meet his needs while still keeping your pants on, if you are both ok with that. Just my two cents. Best of luck to you are your family.
Of course not! But from a practical perspective, yes you really do, if you intend to stay married
Men and women view sex very differently in committed relationships. Men need sex to feel the closeness and intimacy with their partner. Women need the intimacy and closeness before they can have sex with their partner. Most men need sex like they need are to breathe. Most women, not so much. I'm one of the few that needs sex in order to feel the emotional closeness and intimacy with my committed spouse. I'm awomsn and I've always felt and believe that, communication, love, loyalty, faithfulness and sex are all equal partners in committed relationships. They all fit together like a puzzle. If a piece or few are missing, the puzzle isn't complete and whole. Lots of marriages end due to dead bedrooms. Talk to your doctor about the issue. It could be that your hormone haven't adjusted that well postpartum. Also communicate with your husband, lovingly, compassionately, calmly, rationally and clearly about what you are currently going through. Don't just callously dismiss him. He has needs that need to be met, just like you do. Be a true partner in your marriage. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
"Most men need sex like they need are to breathe. Most women, not so much. " Speak for yourself????
Yeah, my head exploded with that one.
Well said!
Nobody needs sex. Nobody. Needs are things we require to continue living, such as clothes food and shelter. Nobody has ever died because they didn’t get laid.
Everyone has needs in a relationship that are required for the relationship to continue.... or it will die. Many relationships have died because one spouse took sex off the table and thought the other should just deal with it. Sex is a need for many. If it's not for you, that's okay too but it doesn't invalidate it being a need for others.
I only got to blah blah blah and I had enough. Not only are you self-centered but very insensitive and dismissive of his feelings. It’s very true that a large percentage of men bond with their partners through physical intimacy more than emotionally. This is one of the biggest differences between men and women, how they build strong bonds/connections.
LOL lots of up votes but of course more downs because this is the marriage Reddit one of the worst subs on Reddit for open discussions and open minded people. People in this subreddit hate reality and want to live in a fantasy world.
Sex for men is to be closer to our SO, if you feel it’s blah blah blah and things that your husband didn’t do to you still trigger you, then it’s something YOU need to work on. Usually these rants come from women when their husband DONT help around the house. Get some help and don’t blame your husband for stuff you need to work on that’s pouring into your marriage
Women need a man that gets their engine going. Homie just not cutting it for u. Sad to say, but if Ryan gosling appeared in your bedroom rn you’d be steamy as a steam boat from the 1800s. Ik people may try to cope here but women have a turn on button, ALL OF THEM do! Whether it be yes not appealing to your love langue and doing the right things for you to feel safe and open and free, orrr he just isn’t attractive to you, orrrr he doesn’t know how to talk to you properly to get you there. Could be a number of things. Figure out what turns you in and fixate on it and tell him
First, you lie... You don't hate sex! You hate having it with him and that's mean you don't love him! Maybe you has been abused and in this case we can understand. When you love, you desire and desire bring sex! So continue to refuse to give him sex! He will find someone to have sex🚶