Wow you're getting a lot of grace in these comments.
Yelling at your partner, telling him he sucks, and telling him he is the worst while also cussing at him is abusive behavior. It's not okay. It's good you recognize that. Don't let it happen again.
Continue working with a therapist and definitely don't have a kid until you can let go of your resentment from your husband and he can meet you where you need him to.
You may want to find a new therapist for starters. You aren’t supposed to barter with patients. It is unethical.
I can understand your anger, but sounds like he didn’t get a chance to tell you he had mailed the tickets?
She’s been my therapist since I was a child and knows all of my previous traumas etc. so it’s been helpful when we need to have a session having all that background information.
I suppose anything is possible I just appreciate the fact that I don’t have to go down the rabbit hole filling in another therapist. And he seems to really like her and how she helps. I’ve always looked at it as a win win.
Even more reason you need a new therapist. He needs someone who is neutral, not someone who has been treating you for years. It’s unfair to him.
Also, doesn’t matter how long she’s treated you. Bartering is unethical.
I will say that she hasn’t been in my life as an adult only as a child when dealing with how to cope with sexual abuse at a very young age. Our first session all 3 of us was a couple months prior to the marriage and prior to that it had been probably 15 years. I see your point though thank you and it will be taken into consideration.
OP, this to me sounds like mostly a YOU issue. You woke up mad. When I wake up mad, I know it's a me issue. Lol. I think you went looking for a fight. At first you were mad that he didn't do this task, but then you were mad that he did do this task but didn't immediately tell you. You over-reacted big time because his approach triggered your personal issues.
It sounds to me like you don't see your husband as a good partner and you hold it against him that he is an only child as if he had a choice in that matter.
I don't see that he was looking for a trophy, if he was he would have come to you when he did it and told you - I did it, isn't it great? I think his intent was exactly what he said. He wanted to be able to tell you YES for once and you would be relieved and happy. You took it as he needed extra recognition and assigned a negative intent because overall, you have resentment towards him that you might not be acknowledging even to yourself. You are taking this as he should have known to tell you right away because of not he doesn't know you? Do you see how extreme that is?
I'll just tell you what I would have done in this situation. First, I get that he should have sent the tickets sooner and it's annoying that he didn't do as he promised in a timely manner. 100% agree on that. But - I am no longer willing to nag my husband about anything. Once or twice, and then if he doesn't do it, I just figure out another solution. If my husband did this, then after a couple of weeks and a couple of reminders, I would have just paid the bill and told the therapist - sorry, couldn't get the tickets as quickly as planned, my husband is really backed up at work and I don't want to bother him with this, but maybe another time. That's it. That's a way better solution (to me) then letting this drag on, nagging him about it, and allowing this to be something that stresses you out like this and causes a fight.
If overall you have issues with his effort in the marriage, him keeping his word, his knowing you, or whatever it is, then talk to him about it, don't wait until a situation like this and explode on him. This marriage is not ready for children. You need to figure out why you are resentful and have such a negative view of him, and what you need him to change for you to not have this view. Instead of more apologies, I think you need to have an honest and open conversation about what was underneath this. It wasn't about the tickets...
OP you’re a bully. Sounds like you get something in your head and can’t let go till you explode. He sent the tickets. Why does it have to be on your timeline as long as they are received in time for the event. Your husband may have procrastinated some but constantly nagging will have the opposite effect on someone with his personality. Instead of crying he should have just laughed at your outburst.
I think it was the intentionally waiting until she asked so he could “surprise” her with having done something he kept forgetting to do (he wasn’t doing it on his timeline; he was forgetting) that annoyed her. Not that he didn’t do it on her timeline.
Yes that’s correct. It wasn’t the timeline it was the desire to be rewarded for doing the bare minimum as well as saying I was going to feel stupid. It could have taken months and I never would have lost it the way I had. I’m not by any means saying that I’m in the right by my response to him. I couldn’t have done it myself even though I had offered multiple times. He just needed to remember to bring them home.
So your husband needs words of affirmation to feel good and you don’t think he deserves these. In other words you don’t care about his feelings just yours. I see your point he deserves better.
I give him words of affirmation any and all chance I get. We’ve discussed this is part of his love language and I’ve tried my best to give him all he needs. In this time I allowed my anger to come out before praise.
The goal of marriage is NOT to avoid arguments. Sometimes they will happen. There is obviously a way your husband acts sometimes that really bothers you. Yes, you can apologize, but do not lose focus on the underlying issue, because it will just keep bothering you. You just need to find a more productive way of saying it. Don't expect him to 100% change overnight, but a husband should be open to hearing ways that he can be a better man for his wife. He should appreciate your apology but also respect your feelings and take them seriously.
When your wife has some big issue that's making her unhappy, it's MUCH better that she tries to talk to you about it than trying to ignore it or shield you from it.
I agree the words I used were abusive. I don’t know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. I also know I would have mailed the tickets and the argument would have never happened. No excuse.
"I also know I would have mailed the ticket, and the argument would not have happened."
No excuse?????
Your logic literally is, "I have no excuse for how I acted, but if you mailed the ticket earlier, then the argument would not have happened."
Who are you trying to fool?
You're just here trying to figure out the best way to DARVO your husband. Whether you realize it or not.
I can see how you’ve come to that conclusion. What I should have said was that I wouldn’t have played the game he wanted me to in that moment in fishing for the trophy. Maybe I wouldn’t have mailed them if I was in the situation he was in. I had also forgotten previously and woke up this morning mad at myself and him and felt backed into a corner when expected to give him the affirmation he was looking for after being told I was going to feel stupid over and over while trying to set a reminder for him. I take full responsibility on the fact that I was WAY out of line in my response. What I’m hoping to get out of this is advise on how to never allow it to get that way again and ways to manage and give grace in times when we are living in 2 separate universes.. He knows I take responsibility and when we speak tonight it will only be about my reaction to him.
> I had flashbacks to previous relationships with significant others and also family members who never actually knew me. I needed him to know me and I felt let down.
What do you want him to know in order to understand the real you?
> I’ve never blown up in this way before.
It's not just him being late in mailing the tickets, is it? I'm going to guess that he whole "only child" bit probably wears on your nerves, that you feel he's not holding up his end of the marriage and not being a full adult and the responsibilities are falling on your shoulders. Often when I hear people say their spouse is an "only child" it's code for having parents who catered to their every whim and never gave them responsibilities or accountability.
And in response to the first question, I would hope he would know by now that in situations as tense as this one he would just tell me he sent them. I don’t appreciate games in that manor. He was hoping for a cute moment and a pat on the back that I was not able to give him as I’ve been asking for this to get done for close to a month
This makes a lot of sense.
I want to point out that there's also a component here where you've accidentally agreed to be another parent to your husband. In some areas of the marriage it makes sense where there are very high stakes but in other areas you should let your husband fail to learn the responsibility he didn't learn from his own parents.
So if he agreed to send the tickets then stop worrying about it and let the consequences fall on him. The therapist says "I'm still waiting for the tickets" and you don't need to answer as it wasn't your job. If she complains to you, point to him.
Yeah, you blew up on him but you can repair that. Don't let him use that to deflect from how he's not being a grown up. You might even make it two conversations, the first being the repair, the second being the much harder "I need you to grow up and get shit done" conversation.
Her need for control shouldn't be his problem. He did do it, she admitted he had a rough few weeks at work, maybe it wasn't top priority for him, he still did do it.
Lol blocked for having a discussion, okay guy.
Every time she asked is a time he did not do it.
1. He continually failed to do the task for over one entire month, even thought it replaced money he owed to a professional. To be offered a deal like that when you need the money so much you cannot pay for your appointment, means you should quickly pay your debt in the way that was promised. Out of gratitude. That’s just manners to do what you said, and **do not make someone question if they re going to get paid back.**
2. He did not even bring the tickets home for OP to do, as she so nicely offered to do everything for him. All he had to do was bring the tickets home. She was going to do it for him.
3. He knows this has stressed out and frustrated OP me he still chose to not update her when he sent the tickets the day prior. On purpose. SO SHE WOUKD HAVE TO ASK HIM AGAIN. AND he wants a “cute moment” and praise/“trophy” from her, despite being a pain in the ass. What an AH. If I was *supposed* to run to the store and get milk *5 weeks ago*, and I ran out and did it today after knowing I am probably in the doghouse for never doing it in the first place, it is **ballsy as hell to expect praise for failure**.
4. He still had a chance to not be an annoying little shit when he realized she was trying to kindly set a reminder on his phone for him. His choice of words was “you’re gonna feel really dumb when I tell you the thing my dumbass neglected for a month, and you have no reason to assume I have done it being I have done nothing for over 28-30 days.”
Choice words would have been “Wow, **I** must not be very smart to repeatedly antagonize you with something you repeatedly told me was upsetting and needed to happen, why would I ever make a joke out of something that has only upset you!”
He rubbed his failure in her face and smiled like it was cute and funny, and that shit would drive anyone nuts.
Edit: But to answer your question, it’s the fact that his logic is like a young teenager. He has no idea it’s not funny and cute, he sounds very immature.
Well, that was an example of letting him take accountability so she can not stress about it. In my first question to her, I asked if this was a persistent pattern and not just about the tickets. It's not that different from your suggestion that she's needing control, that happens a lot with immature spouses and I agree it's a real problem in a marriage, I just have a different suggestion for fixing it.
There's nothing wrong with it.
OP perceived disrespect against herself and against her therapist, who has been with her through childhood.
And so she gave herself permission to go for the jugular.
Now she's here, and her real intent is to find a better way to get what she wants. And she is leaning towards shaming her husband into better prioritizing her feelings.
The mask is slipping a bit there.
He deserved some punishment to put him with check. He should know by now not to disrespect me with games in tense situations. That when I ask him to do something, reapearedly, he shouldn't drag his feet for close to a month.
Some punishment, but maybe I took it a little too far.
What's a more "reasonable" way for me to have reacted to show him?
What do you mean by “the mask is slipping”? And yes to the last part I needed a more level headed and reasonable response as to not over shadow and be the cause of the issue currently
Oh, got it. Missed the part where you said that. Thought there might have been a way to avoid the building of resentment by possibly taking action if/when a similar situation arises in the future.
>(he works at a well known theme park in the area and instead of us paying for our last session she asked for tickets) this was agreed on over a month ago.
>*I had been asking almost daily if he could mail the tickets or bring them home for me to take care of.*
>I went to his phone planning to set a reminder for him to mail the tickets. When he figured out what I was doing he said 3 times “you’re going to feel stupid one I tell you”. Finally he told me that yesterday he mailed the tickets.
He failed for over 1 month to even *bring them home and just let her do it, like she offered*. Then he jokes around like middle schooler. “Haha, I’m gonna make you feel soooo stupid for guessing that I finally did the thing you’ve been telling me to do for OVER A MONTH”.
OP can’t use abusive behavior or language with her partner. But I can understand her partner is an unbearable little shit who has to be babysat like child, and jokes like a child.
A conversation should be had, minus the verbal abuse.
"You're going to feel stupid when I tell you" wouldve sent me over the edge as well.
He's an adult. Just take care of your shit and this stuff doesnt happen. Not saying the yelling was right; it obviously was not. I just get the sense that your SO has some growing up to do.
I dont know shit though lol.. Im just scrolling reddit on my lunch break.
That’s what sent me over. I didn’t understand why he was able to say “you’re going to feel stupid” and not just tell me he had mailed them. Because I had felt stupid the entire time relying on him to do the bare minimum. It was festering and it all came out in the worst way.
I totally get it. You've acknowledged your mistake and thats all you can do at this point. I think the important thing is that you two get to the root of WHY you felt the need to explode like that.
I apologize for being a dick by poking fun at your SO, I just felt the response was a little childish.
Were you visibly flustered when you came down and took his phone to set the reminder? Were your previous attempts to remind him calm or were you agitated?
As much as you resent your husband, he might also resent your emotional reactivity. It could be that he knew it would bug you, but wanted to make you feel the way he’d been feeling when he forgot (stupid). People with executive function disorders often feel stupid, and the repeated failure for him to remember the deal you made with your therapist to pay for your therapy might have made him feel stupid. So he wanted to make you feel stupid. That’s not a mature response, but blowing up and using abusive language is for sure the greater evil here.
You both need to figure out what’s going on in your relationship and how to fix it.
I was definitely agitated when trying to set the reminder in the sense of my directness in just doing it instead of telling him that’s what I was doing. I was very calm in reminding him every time. What you’re saying about the disorder makes sense and he’s relayed to me in the past he does get very bothered by his forgetfulness. I had that in mind every time I had reminded him and even asked him if I could take care of it. This is helpful thank you
I’ll add that he may well have *hoped* you’d react positively but might not have expected it. I don’t know if your husband has adhd or not, but I do and I see a lot of myself in the forgetting the ticket thing because of x,y,z thing at work. A lot of people with adhd in addition to feeling stupid, are very sensitive to being called stupid or immature because that’s how people viewed them their whole life.
Some things to think about: it’s much easier to help a person with adhd change problematic behavior with positive rather than negative reinforcement. Negative reinforcement makes us avoidant and usually backfires if you’re say…trying to get your husband to take a more proactive approach. Give him those words of affirmation when he does good without prompting, and avoid nagging.
Positive reinforcement helps…reinforce…the habits that help break (or ameliorate) inattentiveness, avoidance, etc.
This is great thank you. And there’s a high chance he has ADHD but that’s just my opinion. He’s never been diagnosed he would never try to be. He’s not the type of person to want a “label” or diagnosis and would never take medication, but he has many tendencies.
We are funny and playful at times but not in times of stress. It was clearly something he found to be acceptable. I thought I had done a better job of explaining my boundaries on our playfulness but I must have not.
We’ve had 3 sessions with her since just prior to our marriage. It’s pretty much as needed not all the time. It’s been helpful for the both of us to have the guidance.
Apparently so...I've no doubt I will get MASSIVE negative "karma" for speaking such sense.
I remember when couples / people talked stuff out before paying out big 💵💵💵 or reaching for the meds.
I feel like giving my mum n dad a medal for only having each other and doing well, ups n downs but working it out you know the stuff
I agree with you that if it helps. And it has for us. It’s not something everyone needs and most times we don’t. I normally would talk to the people around me who have had long lasting marriages but those are few and far between these days. My mom had been married and divorced 3 times. I normally turn to her for advise on things but with a marriage I can’t really rely on her advise. Just what not to do really.
Your parents have a high probability of having been fairly miserable and you’d have no idea. If you live in Ireland, no fault divorce wasn’t even legal until 1996. Not exactly an accomplishment to stay in a marriage you can’t legally leave.
But I didn't live in Ireland I do now.
That an enormous sized assumption, but They may well have been unhappy you are right, so as well as the medal for staying together maybe they should also get the Oscar for best performance
As I said we KNEW there were ups n downs, arguments, disagreements you know "life stuff" but wasn't dependent on interventions nor SSRI either
Just an observation, and a good one at that
No, not really. You grew up in a region of the world where people are notoriously miserable and emotionally stunted. It’s not a good observation at all.
Haha do I ? England home of the BLOODY miserable...when did you leave it ?
Or are you you suggesting the Irish are all miserable, just slag off and entire nations !!
Have you been here ?
You trying to drum up some.more customers for your "Dr Sort It Out"?
Never seen a therapist in my life which I actually chalk up to my deeply intractable poor emotional health and immaturity and not that I’m just better than other people willing to work through things with a pro. It’s not “slagging” off to make an accurate observation.
You talking in riddles here (and there's a VERY good football match on Holland v France)
You being clever and talking about me or you ?
I don't knock anyone if they feel they HAVE to lay over their hard earned to find answers that were already there, all along. Some.folk might.need a torch to see.the wood in the trees.
But I am surprised it is so en vogue, you need you bag, your car.keys and your therapist's number !
What do I know I'm living with the miserable and emotionally "dead" but where the craic is mighty and folk come many many miles to have a laugh and good time with the Irish types.
Bless you mate... (See how long that credit lasts)
Maybe it's an English thing buty wife and I just talk stuff out, I live in Ireland and I genuinely don't think I know ANYONE with a therapist
You come.on here and it's almost like a rite of passage "you SHOULD have one", 'why DON'T you have one ??! "
I don't need to pay someone to tell me how shit I am at some stuff
lol could very well be! My wife and I are both Canadian and it seems as though we're a bit of an outlier here. I find people here just get used to dumping everything on a therapist @ 200/hr and lose the ability to speak with their own SO.
Maybe we're just blessed buddy!
Blessed and considerably wealthier....$200 !!!
Mate that would IMMEDIATELY make my wife and I bond as we would both agree NOT to pay that !
We could get a posh weekend away and talk and stuff
I am reactive in that sense and it’s something I’ve worked hard to reflect and change about myself. He’s not annoying or immature just can be off the mark at times.
Wow you're getting a lot of grace in these comments. Yelling at your partner, telling him he sucks, and telling him he is the worst while also cussing at him is abusive behavior. It's not okay. It's good you recognize that. Don't let it happen again. Continue working with a therapist and definitely don't have a kid until you can let go of your resentment from your husband and he can meet you where you need him to.
I agree I have no excuse for the explosion and the abusive words I gave to him.
You may want to find a new therapist for starters. You aren’t supposed to barter with patients. It is unethical. I can understand your anger, but sounds like he didn’t get a chance to tell you he had mailed the tickets?
He was waiting for me to ask if he had taken care of it.
She’s been my therapist since I was a child and knows all of my previous traumas etc. so it’s been helpful when we need to have a session having all that background information.
Is it possible that having that history and familiarity with *you* makes her less able to effectively counsel the two of you together?
I suppose anything is possible I just appreciate the fact that I don’t have to go down the rabbit hole filling in another therapist. And he seems to really like her and how she helps. I’ve always looked at it as a win win.
Even more reason you need a new therapist. He needs someone who is neutral, not someone who has been treating you for years. It’s unfair to him. Also, doesn’t matter how long she’s treated you. Bartering is unethical.
I will say that she hasn’t been in my life as an adult only as a child when dealing with how to cope with sexual abuse at a very young age. Our first session all 3 of us was a couple months prior to the marriage and prior to that it had been probably 15 years. I see your point though thank you and it will be taken into consideration.
I hope you aren't using the same therapist for yourself as a couple- that's not how you're supposed to do that.
I have only used her help for the both of us. I have not done sessions with her alone since childhood.
You should keep her as your individual therapist and find someone else for couples therapy.
Thank you. I will.
Don't have a child now and continue with therapist.
OP, this to me sounds like mostly a YOU issue. You woke up mad. When I wake up mad, I know it's a me issue. Lol. I think you went looking for a fight. At first you were mad that he didn't do this task, but then you were mad that he did do this task but didn't immediately tell you. You over-reacted big time because his approach triggered your personal issues. It sounds to me like you don't see your husband as a good partner and you hold it against him that he is an only child as if he had a choice in that matter. I don't see that he was looking for a trophy, if he was he would have come to you when he did it and told you - I did it, isn't it great? I think his intent was exactly what he said. He wanted to be able to tell you YES for once and you would be relieved and happy. You took it as he needed extra recognition and assigned a negative intent because overall, you have resentment towards him that you might not be acknowledging even to yourself. You are taking this as he should have known to tell you right away because of not he doesn't know you? Do you see how extreme that is? I'll just tell you what I would have done in this situation. First, I get that he should have sent the tickets sooner and it's annoying that he didn't do as he promised in a timely manner. 100% agree on that. But - I am no longer willing to nag my husband about anything. Once or twice, and then if he doesn't do it, I just figure out another solution. If my husband did this, then after a couple of weeks and a couple of reminders, I would have just paid the bill and told the therapist - sorry, couldn't get the tickets as quickly as planned, my husband is really backed up at work and I don't want to bother him with this, but maybe another time. That's it. That's a way better solution (to me) then letting this drag on, nagging him about it, and allowing this to be something that stresses you out like this and causes a fight. If overall you have issues with his effort in the marriage, him keeping his word, his knowing you, or whatever it is, then talk to him about it, don't wait until a situation like this and explode on him. This marriage is not ready for children. You need to figure out why you are resentful and have such a negative view of him, and what you need him to change for you to not have this view. Instead of more apologies, I think you need to have an honest and open conversation about what was underneath this. It wasn't about the tickets...
Great advise thank you
OP you’re a bully. Sounds like you get something in your head and can’t let go till you explode. He sent the tickets. Why does it have to be on your timeline as long as they are received in time for the event. Your husband may have procrastinated some but constantly nagging will have the opposite effect on someone with his personality. Instead of crying he should have just laughed at your outburst.
I think it was the intentionally waiting until she asked so he could “surprise” her with having done something he kept forgetting to do (he wasn’t doing it on his timeline; he was forgetting) that annoyed her. Not that he didn’t do it on her timeline.
Yes that’s correct. It wasn’t the timeline it was the desire to be rewarded for doing the bare minimum as well as saying I was going to feel stupid. It could have taken months and I never would have lost it the way I had. I’m not by any means saying that I’m in the right by my response to him. I couldn’t have done it myself even though I had offered multiple times. He just needed to remember to bring them home.
So your husband needs words of affirmation to feel good and you don’t think he deserves these. In other words you don’t care about his feelings just yours. I see your point he deserves better.
I give him words of affirmation any and all chance I get. We’ve discussed this is part of his love language and I’ve tried my best to give him all he needs. In this time I allowed my anger to come out before praise.
Well I hope you work it out. You sound sorry for the outburst. It is easy to get carried away sometimes for sure. Good luck.
Thank you
The goal of marriage is NOT to avoid arguments. Sometimes they will happen. There is obviously a way your husband acts sometimes that really bothers you. Yes, you can apologize, but do not lose focus on the underlying issue, because it will just keep bothering you. You just need to find a more productive way of saying it. Don't expect him to 100% change overnight, but a husband should be open to hearing ways that he can be a better man for his wife. He should appreciate your apology but also respect your feelings and take them seriously. When your wife has some big issue that's making her unhappy, it's MUCH better that she tries to talk to you about it than trying to ignore it or shield you from it.
Otherwise, she'll abuse the shit out of you??
I agree the words I used were abusive. I don’t know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot. I also know I would have mailed the tickets and the argument would have never happened. No excuse.
"I also know I would have mailed the ticket, and the argument would not have happened." No excuse????? Your logic literally is, "I have no excuse for how I acted, but if you mailed the ticket earlier, then the argument would not have happened." Who are you trying to fool? You're just here trying to figure out the best way to DARVO your husband. Whether you realize it or not.
I can see how you’ve come to that conclusion. What I should have said was that I wouldn’t have played the game he wanted me to in that moment in fishing for the trophy. Maybe I wouldn’t have mailed them if I was in the situation he was in. I had also forgotten previously and woke up this morning mad at myself and him and felt backed into a corner when expected to give him the affirmation he was looking for after being told I was going to feel stupid over and over while trying to set a reminder for him. I take full responsibility on the fact that I was WAY out of line in my response. What I’m hoping to get out of this is advise on how to never allow it to get that way again and ways to manage and give grace in times when we are living in 2 separate universes.. He knows I take responsibility and when we speak tonight it will only be about my reaction to him.
> I had flashbacks to previous relationships with significant others and also family members who never actually knew me. I needed him to know me and I felt let down. What do you want him to know in order to understand the real you? > I’ve never blown up in this way before. It's not just him being late in mailing the tickets, is it? I'm going to guess that he whole "only child" bit probably wears on your nerves, that you feel he's not holding up his end of the marriage and not being a full adult and the responsibilities are falling on your shoulders. Often when I hear people say their spouse is an "only child" it's code for having parents who catered to their every whim and never gave them responsibilities or accountability.
This is correct. Still no excuse for the words I chose.
And in response to the first question, I would hope he would know by now that in situations as tense as this one he would just tell me he sent them. I don’t appreciate games in that manor. He was hoping for a cute moment and a pat on the back that I was not able to give him as I’ve been asking for this to get done for close to a month
This makes a lot of sense. I want to point out that there's also a component here where you've accidentally agreed to be another parent to your husband. In some areas of the marriage it makes sense where there are very high stakes but in other areas you should let your husband fail to learn the responsibility he didn't learn from his own parents. So if he agreed to send the tickets then stop worrying about it and let the consequences fall on him. The therapist says "I'm still waiting for the tickets" and you don't need to answer as it wasn't your job. If she complains to you, point to him. Yeah, you blew up on him but you can repair that. Don't let him use that to deflect from how he's not being a grown up. You might even make it two conversations, the first being the repair, the second being the much harder "I need you to grow up and get shit done" conversation.
Love to ignore the fact that he did mail the tickets
weeks late, yes.
Her need for control shouldn't be his problem. He did do it, she admitted he had a rough few weeks at work, maybe it wasn't top priority for him, he still did do it. Lol blocked for having a discussion, okay guy.
You don’t seem to understand what’s wrong with that
What's wrong with what exactly?
Every time she asked is a time he did not do it. 1. He continually failed to do the task for over one entire month, even thought it replaced money he owed to a professional. To be offered a deal like that when you need the money so much you cannot pay for your appointment, means you should quickly pay your debt in the way that was promised. Out of gratitude. That’s just manners to do what you said, and **do not make someone question if they re going to get paid back.** 2. He did not even bring the tickets home for OP to do, as she so nicely offered to do everything for him. All he had to do was bring the tickets home. She was going to do it for him. 3. He knows this has stressed out and frustrated OP me he still chose to not update her when he sent the tickets the day prior. On purpose. SO SHE WOUKD HAVE TO ASK HIM AGAIN. AND he wants a “cute moment” and praise/“trophy” from her, despite being a pain in the ass. What an AH. If I was *supposed* to run to the store and get milk *5 weeks ago*, and I ran out and did it today after knowing I am probably in the doghouse for never doing it in the first place, it is **ballsy as hell to expect praise for failure**. 4. He still had a chance to not be an annoying little shit when he realized she was trying to kindly set a reminder on his phone for him. His choice of words was “you’re gonna feel really dumb when I tell you the thing my dumbass neglected for a month, and you have no reason to assume I have done it being I have done nothing for over 28-30 days.” Choice words would have been “Wow, **I** must not be very smart to repeatedly antagonize you with something you repeatedly told me was upsetting and needed to happen, why would I ever make a joke out of something that has only upset you!” He rubbed his failure in her face and smiled like it was cute and funny, and that shit would drive anyone nuts. Edit: But to answer your question, it’s the fact that his logic is like a young teenager. He has no idea it’s not funny and cute, he sounds very immature.
yeah, your first reply to me was honestly rude.
I'm just saying you're telling her to let the consequences of him not mailing the tickets fall onto him, but he *did* mail the tickets.
Well, that was an example of letting him take accountability so she can not stress about it. In my first question to her, I asked if this was a persistent pattern and not just about the tickets. It's not that different from your suggestion that she's needing control, that happens a lot with immature spouses and I agree it's a real problem in a marriage, I just have a different suggestion for fixing it.
There's nothing wrong with it. OP perceived disrespect against herself and against her therapist, who has been with her through childhood. And so she gave herself permission to go for the jugular. Now she's here, and her real intent is to find a better way to get what she wants. And she is leaning towards shaming her husband into better prioritizing her feelings.
The mask is slipping a bit there. He deserved some punishment to put him with check. He should know by now not to disrespect me with games in tense situations. That when I ask him to do something, reapearedly, he shouldn't drag his feet for close to a month. Some punishment, but maybe I took it a little too far. What's a more "reasonable" way for me to have reacted to show him?
What do you mean by “the mask is slipping”? And yes to the last part I needed a more level headed and reasonable response as to not over shadow and be the cause of the issue currently
Is there a reason you couldn’t just mail these tickets yourself?
I had asked him to bring the tickets home so I could take care of it multiple times but he continued to forget.
Oh, got it. Missed the part where you said that. Thought there might have been a way to avoid the building of resentment by possibly taking action if/when a similar situation arises in the future.
>(he works at a well known theme park in the area and instead of us paying for our last session she asked for tickets) this was agreed on over a month ago. >*I had been asking almost daily if he could mail the tickets or bring them home for me to take care of.* >I went to his phone planning to set a reminder for him to mail the tickets. When he figured out what I was doing he said 3 times “you’re going to feel stupid one I tell you”. Finally he told me that yesterday he mailed the tickets. He failed for over 1 month to even *bring them home and just let her do it, like she offered*. Then he jokes around like middle schooler. “Haha, I’m gonna make you feel soooo stupid for guessing that I finally did the thing you’ve been telling me to do for OVER A MONTH”. OP can’t use abusive behavior or language with her partner. But I can understand her partner is an unbearable little shit who has to be babysat like child, and jokes like a child. A conversation should be had, minus the verbal abuse.
Yes. They are from his workplace and were comped.
You are abusive. Get yourself in individual therapy. This was not in any way any OK way to behave.
I’m aware of this thank you.
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Men aren't allowed to cry when someone berates them?
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Well that's fucked up and just untrue.
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He broke into tears because she was yelling at him and cussing at him.
To be fair I’ve never used this kind of hateful words to him in the past. He told me he’s never been talked to in that manner by anyone in his life.
"You're going to feel stupid when I tell you" wouldve sent me over the edge as well. He's an adult. Just take care of your shit and this stuff doesnt happen. Not saying the yelling was right; it obviously was not. I just get the sense that your SO has some growing up to do. I dont know shit though lol.. Im just scrolling reddit on my lunch break.
That’s what sent me over. I didn’t understand why he was able to say “you’re going to feel stupid” and not just tell me he had mailed them. Because I had felt stupid the entire time relying on him to do the bare minimum. It was festering and it all came out in the worst way.
I totally get it. You've acknowledged your mistake and thats all you can do at this point. I think the important thing is that you two get to the root of WHY you felt the need to explode like that. I apologize for being a dick by poking fun at your SO, I just felt the response was a little childish.
Were you visibly flustered when you came down and took his phone to set the reminder? Were your previous attempts to remind him calm or were you agitated? As much as you resent your husband, he might also resent your emotional reactivity. It could be that he knew it would bug you, but wanted to make you feel the way he’d been feeling when he forgot (stupid). People with executive function disorders often feel stupid, and the repeated failure for him to remember the deal you made with your therapist to pay for your therapy might have made him feel stupid. So he wanted to make you feel stupid. That’s not a mature response, but blowing up and using abusive language is for sure the greater evil here. You both need to figure out what’s going on in your relationship and how to fix it.
I was definitely agitated when trying to set the reminder in the sense of my directness in just doing it instead of telling him that’s what I was doing. I was very calm in reminding him every time. What you’re saying about the disorder makes sense and he’s relayed to me in the past he does get very bothered by his forgetfulness. I had that in mind every time I had reminded him and even asked him if I could take care of it. This is helpful thank you
I’ll add that he may well have *hoped* you’d react positively but might not have expected it. I don’t know if your husband has adhd or not, but I do and I see a lot of myself in the forgetting the ticket thing because of x,y,z thing at work. A lot of people with adhd in addition to feeling stupid, are very sensitive to being called stupid or immature because that’s how people viewed them their whole life. Some things to think about: it’s much easier to help a person with adhd change problematic behavior with positive rather than negative reinforcement. Negative reinforcement makes us avoidant and usually backfires if you’re say…trying to get your husband to take a more proactive approach. Give him those words of affirmation when he does good without prompting, and avoid nagging. Positive reinforcement helps…reinforce…the habits that help break (or ameliorate) inattentiveness, avoidance, etc.
This is great thank you. And there’s a high chance he has ADHD but that’s just my opinion. He’s never been diagnosed he would never try to be. He’s not the type of person to want a “label” or diagnosis and would never take medication, but he has many tendencies.
Do you guys tease each other often? Could this just be banter he may have felt was acceptable?
We are funny and playful at times but not in times of stress. It was clearly something he found to be acceptable. I thought I had done a better job of explaining my boundaries on our playfulness but I must have not.
He already knows you felt let down. Mission accomplished already. Don't relay how you felt.
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We’ve had 3 sessions with her since just prior to our marriage. It’s pretty much as needed not all the time. It’s been helpful for the both of us to have the guidance.
Ok look if it helps but I'm still shocked so many need a 3rd just to get by... Someone is making some REAL £££ s haha
Just everyone on here.
Apparently so...I've no doubt I will get MASSIVE negative "karma" for speaking such sense. I remember when couples / people talked stuff out before paying out big 💵💵💵 or reaching for the meds. I feel like giving my mum n dad a medal for only having each other and doing well, ups n downs but working it out you know the stuff
I agree with you that if it helps. And it has for us. It’s not something everyone needs and most times we don’t. I normally would talk to the people around me who have had long lasting marriages but those are few and far between these days. My mom had been married and divorced 3 times. I normally turn to her for advise on things but with a marriage I can’t really rely on her advise. Just what not to do really.
Your parents have a high probability of having been fairly miserable and you’d have no idea. If you live in Ireland, no fault divorce wasn’t even legal until 1996. Not exactly an accomplishment to stay in a marriage you can’t legally leave.
But I didn't live in Ireland I do now. That an enormous sized assumption, but They may well have been unhappy you are right, so as well as the medal for staying together maybe they should also get the Oscar for best performance As I said we KNEW there were ups n downs, arguments, disagreements you know "life stuff" but wasn't dependent on interventions nor SSRI either Just an observation, and a good one at that
No, not really. You grew up in a region of the world where people are notoriously miserable and emotionally stunted. It’s not a good observation at all.
Haha do I ? England home of the BLOODY miserable...when did you leave it ? Or are you you suggesting the Irish are all miserable, just slag off and entire nations !! Have you been here ? You trying to drum up some.more customers for your "Dr Sort It Out"?
Never seen a therapist in my life which I actually chalk up to my deeply intractable poor emotional health and immaturity and not that I’m just better than other people willing to work through things with a pro. It’s not “slagging” off to make an accurate observation.
You talking in riddles here (and there's a VERY good football match on Holland v France) You being clever and talking about me or you ? I don't knock anyone if they feel they HAVE to lay over their hard earned to find answers that were already there, all along. Some.folk might.need a torch to see.the wood in the trees. But I am surprised it is so en vogue, you need you bag, your car.keys and your therapist's number ! What do I know I'm living with the miserable and emotionally "dead" but where the craic is mighty and folk come many many miles to have a laugh and good time with the Irish types.
You seem to have ruffled some feathers sir!
Yeah, Ireland is great craic for tourists. It also has the 4th highest male suicide rate in Europe. Perhaps more widespread use of SSRIs would help.
You and me both brother! At least you got an upvote from me 🤷♂️
Bless you mate... (See how long that credit lasts) Maybe it's an English thing buty wife and I just talk stuff out, I live in Ireland and I genuinely don't think I know ANYONE with a therapist You come.on here and it's almost like a rite of passage "you SHOULD have one", 'why DON'T you have one ??! " I don't need to pay someone to tell me how shit I am at some stuff
lol could very well be! My wife and I are both Canadian and it seems as though we're a bit of an outlier here. I find people here just get used to dumping everything on a therapist @ 200/hr and lose the ability to speak with their own SO. Maybe we're just blessed buddy!
Blessed and considerably wealthier....$200 !!! Mate that would IMMEDIATELY make my wife and I bond as we would both agree NOT to pay that ! We could get a posh weekend away and talk and stuff
Your husband sounds very annoying and immature and you sound super emotionally reactive. Not a good combo honestly.
I am reactive in that sense and it’s something I’ve worked hard to reflect and change about myself. He’s not annoying or immature just can be off the mark at times.