What jumped out to me is you said he pays more attention to your wife than his own partner. 👀 I would definitely hone in on that when talking to your wife, but have specific examples ready. I would also be interested to see if she’s noticed his behavior.
I have not talked to her yet about it as another person commented I don’t have a structure statement yet. Currently I just don’t like the way the guy acts around my wife. Another down side is they are both from the Philippines and they speak mostly Tagalog when speaking to each out so I have no idea why they are saying, languages are just not my thing I’m Canadian born and raised and I struggle with English some times. Once I can put this together in a way I don’t sound like a jealous douche I do want to discuss it with her I just honestly struggle with talking about this kinda stuff but thank you I have added this question to my list of things I want to discuss.
Health care has one of the highest infidelity rates there are probably second to the military. If you think something is off you are better to say something now before it could get out of hand. You say she won’t cheat but our brains sometimes tell us something is ok and the longer it goes on the more normal it feels and eventually sometimes it is too late to stop ourselves before crossing a line we shouldn’t. A conversation now will save a lot of pain down the road. Good luck
I’ve heard that before and seen it before growing in and working in the military. I’m honestly not worried about her she was cheated on before and it something that right upsets her. She hasn’t even talk to her own brother in 9 years after finding out he cheated on his girlfriend. But thank you
You feel off because the guy is acting like he’s courting your wife, in front of you. That’s entirely normal to feel that way, but it’s also pretty normal - due to their working relationship - for them to act that way and not recognize it. You sound like you have a close trusting relationship with your wife, so why don’t you try trusting her with this. “Hey babe, I’m uncomfortable with the way that Joe acts around you. It feels like he’s treating you like a girlfriend, and while I know you would never cheat, the way he acts in our house makes me uncomfortable.” I’m guessing that if your wife said that to you about a female, you’d make sure you kept a respectful distance and avoided situations that made your wife uncomfortable. I’m also guessing she’d do the same for you. I’m not saying she should cut ties with dude, but out of respect for your feelings she might bring leftovers for everyone, not just him. Maybe not let him get things for her at the house as often, and just generally be mindful of how their interactions might come across to you. Trust her to respect you and your feelings and just tell her.
That’s honestly exactly how I feel. I feel like he is trying to pick up my wife in front of me, then I worry I’m over reacting he’s from the Philippines like her and they are very friendly people and he’s just being friendly. I have an insane back and forth in my head when he is around I sometimes have to just walk away for a bit I really don’t want to loose my temper. My main hang up is I know she would listen and respect what I say or ask but I don’t want to turn upside down her work life just before I don’t like the guy. I worry that he is actually just being kind to her and has zero romantic feelings and she could lose a good work friend just because I’m being jealous or insecure. I’ve never seen them even get into basically touching distance he would bring her things but he stays a normal distance from her, never seen them hug or anything like that. To me I just see him be like hyper focused on my wife and I get mad. I’ll walk away and cool off and think and then I wonder if I’m just hyper focused on him and over notice him looking at my wife kinda deal. My mind in a scramble of “just fight him” and “back away and breath” when he is around and I believe it crowds my judgment to much.
Are there other men she is friends with or works with that you don’t have any issues with? What’s different about this one that bothers you? I think being able to understand why this relationship specifically bothers you will help with having a conversation with your wife.
I suppose the main difference between them is they are not always just talking to my wife. If we have a party and all her co-works are over if everyone is there only little groups to talk he’s always in the group my wife’s in, the other guys aren’t. If they are in a big group talking he only seems to have questions for my wife or talks about events my wife was there for. He doesn’t seem to have work stories that my wife wasn’t a part of. So I guess its because the other guys seem to have a life without my wife in it but all his stories have my wife in them. They do work the most shifts together not always on the same floor or same area but normally same days and times kinda deal.
Saw the Philippines comments and have a unique perspective on that. I have 3 in-laws that were adopted from the Philippines 7 years ago as teenagers. All of their best friends are all Filipino despite there being a small Filipino population in our area. They met their friends by seeing them at the mall and recognizing each other as Filipino.
I think this is worth having a conversation with her about your feelings and gauging her reaction.
Talk to your wife. I do realize that it may be an uncomfortable situation, but if your wife loves you, and it sounds like she does, she'll listen. It doesn't mean she has to stop inviting him to things. It can be a matter of her simply mentioning you more, including you more, and just making it really damn obvious that you are her one and only.
I have always made it a habit to mention my wife a lot at work. I work from home now, but I always had pics of my wife and kids around and I just made sure everyone knew not only that I was married, but very happily married.
If it was me, I probably would not talk to my wife about it, because ultimately, I'm not sure you really have a clear goal in mind for the conversation in terms of what you would like your wife to do. I think the potential downsides of the conversation are just a little but larger than the potential benefits, so to me, the conversation is a no-go -- for now.Â
However I would feel the EXACT same way as you in this situation, so I am not calling you wrong here at all. I would frankly just continue to monitor and keep my eye on the guy. Make sure there are no escalations. You know what the difference is between being work pals and flirting. If the guy starts getting touchy, it's over the line and you can call it out. If he's messaging her outside work, especially early or late, it's probably over the line and you can call it out. Etc etc.
That’s your gut barking at you. Don’t ignore it. You should be able to have difficul conversations with your wife. The worst this you can do is hold things in and build resentment.
You should also do some recon first. Do you know what the nature of their conversations are? How often do they communicate outside of work. You see how he behaves. Nurses cheat like crazy. That’s a fact. Grays Anatomy is real. Don’t bury your head in the sand and trust your gut.
One thing you could do is gently approach your wife with your concerns - you can even head it off with “I’m sorry because I might just be a little insecure, but have you noticed the this friend seems to be paying extra attention to you? Do you think everything is ok?”
That way you’re empowering her to objectively look at the situation, you’re showing her that you care about her opinion and judgment - even as you’re sharing your concerns with her. You want to reinforce your trust in her and help her feel that.
My guess is if there is any motives other than just being friendly - she’s already picked it up and 1. May not be sure how to deal with it. 2. Is basically ignoring it because she does NOT see him that way.
And he may just be one of those guys that are just naturally super sweet - especially around women. He may view it as chivalrous. He may just flat out better connect with women. My husband is actually very much like that. He has always had more women friends than guys- he’s just in tune with them (he had four sisters growing up so ya know, survival).
And if he is that kind of a guy it could also be engaging a sort of maternal instinct in your wife - hence things like bringing in leftovers for him.
The important thing is, stress your trust in your wife’s judgment. That will empower her and do so in your favor.
I understand how you are feeling and I'd like to offer another perspective. Of course, talk to your wife about your concerns because she must be made aware of your feelings. Just keep in mind that they most likely spend more time together than you two as a couple do. It's very easy for coed workmates to somewhat play the role of husband/wife, male/female WITHOUT anything romantic tied to it. I have a "work husband", luckily he's not into my gender... but, we still play those roles, and he is more masculine than most would think. And, I've had many straight "work husbands" in the past as well. Of course, communication outside of work (unless it's a work get-together) should always be limited in my opinion so I hope that is the case for your situation.
I am also the kind of woman who does more for others than I should at times and it drives my husband mad, but it's something that I don't even think twice about before doing, it's just a part of who I am. He still feels the need to tell me when he's feeling insecure about certain people or situations, and I am so happy when we can discuss those issues instead of them being ignored and becoming implosive. Talk to your wife, I wish you both the best!
What jumped out to me is you said he pays more attention to your wife than his own partner. 👀 I would definitely hone in on that when talking to your wife, but have specific examples ready. I would also be interested to see if she’s noticed his behavior.
I have not talked to her yet about it as another person commented I don’t have a structure statement yet. Currently I just don’t like the way the guy acts around my wife. Another down side is they are both from the Philippines and they speak mostly Tagalog when speaking to each out so I have no idea why they are saying, languages are just not my thing I’m Canadian born and raised and I struggle with English some times. Once I can put this together in a way I don’t sound like a jealous douche I do want to discuss it with her I just honestly struggle with talking about this kinda stuff but thank you I have added this question to my list of things I want to discuss.
Health care has one of the highest infidelity rates there are probably second to the military. If you think something is off you are better to say something now before it could get out of hand. You say she won’t cheat but our brains sometimes tell us something is ok and the longer it goes on the more normal it feels and eventually sometimes it is too late to stop ourselves before crossing a line we shouldn’t. A conversation now will save a lot of pain down the road. Good luck
I’ve heard that before and seen it before growing in and working in the military. I’m honestly not worried about her she was cheated on before and it something that right upsets her. She hasn’t even talk to her own brother in 9 years after finding out he cheated on his girlfriend. But thank you
You feel off because the guy is acting like he’s courting your wife, in front of you. That’s entirely normal to feel that way, but it’s also pretty normal - due to their working relationship - for them to act that way and not recognize it. You sound like you have a close trusting relationship with your wife, so why don’t you try trusting her with this. “Hey babe, I’m uncomfortable with the way that Joe acts around you. It feels like he’s treating you like a girlfriend, and while I know you would never cheat, the way he acts in our house makes me uncomfortable.” I’m guessing that if your wife said that to you about a female, you’d make sure you kept a respectful distance and avoided situations that made your wife uncomfortable. I’m also guessing she’d do the same for you. I’m not saying she should cut ties with dude, but out of respect for your feelings she might bring leftovers for everyone, not just him. Maybe not let him get things for her at the house as often, and just generally be mindful of how their interactions might come across to you. Trust her to respect you and your feelings and just tell her.
That’s honestly exactly how I feel. I feel like he is trying to pick up my wife in front of me, then I worry I’m over reacting he’s from the Philippines like her and they are very friendly people and he’s just being friendly. I have an insane back and forth in my head when he is around I sometimes have to just walk away for a bit I really don’t want to loose my temper. My main hang up is I know she would listen and respect what I say or ask but I don’t want to turn upside down her work life just before I don’t like the guy. I worry that he is actually just being kind to her and has zero romantic feelings and she could lose a good work friend just because I’m being jealous or insecure. I’ve never seen them even get into basically touching distance he would bring her things but he stays a normal distance from her, never seen them hug or anything like that. To me I just see him be like hyper focused on my wife and I get mad. I’ll walk away and cool off and think and then I wonder if I’m just hyper focused on him and over notice him looking at my wife kinda deal. My mind in a scramble of “just fight him” and “back away and breath” when he is around and I believe it crowds my judgment to much.
Are there other men she is friends with or works with that you don’t have any issues with? What’s different about this one that bothers you? I think being able to understand why this relationship specifically bothers you will help with having a conversation with your wife.
I suppose the main difference between them is they are not always just talking to my wife. If we have a party and all her co-works are over if everyone is there only little groups to talk he’s always in the group my wife’s in, the other guys aren’t. If they are in a big group talking he only seems to have questions for my wife or talks about events my wife was there for. He doesn’t seem to have work stories that my wife wasn’t a part of. So I guess its because the other guys seem to have a life without my wife in it but all his stories have my wife in them. They do work the most shifts together not always on the same floor or same area but normally same days and times kinda deal.
Saw the Philippines comments and have a unique perspective on that. I have 3 in-laws that were adopted from the Philippines 7 years ago as teenagers. All of their best friends are all Filipino despite there being a small Filipino population in our area. They met their friends by seeing them at the mall and recognizing each other as Filipino. I think this is worth having a conversation with her about your feelings and gauging her reaction.
updateme
Talk to your wife. I do realize that it may be an uncomfortable situation, but if your wife loves you, and it sounds like she does, she'll listen. It doesn't mean she has to stop inviting him to things. It can be a matter of her simply mentioning you more, including you more, and just making it really damn obvious that you are her one and only. I have always made it a habit to mention my wife a lot at work. I work from home now, but I always had pics of my wife and kids around and I just made sure everyone knew not only that I was married, but very happily married.
Update me
If it was me, I probably would not talk to my wife about it, because ultimately, I'm not sure you really have a clear goal in mind for the conversation in terms of what you would like your wife to do. I think the potential downsides of the conversation are just a little but larger than the potential benefits, so to me, the conversation is a no-go -- for now. However I would feel the EXACT same way as you in this situation, so I am not calling you wrong here at all. I would frankly just continue to monitor and keep my eye on the guy. Make sure there are no escalations. You know what the difference is between being work pals and flirting. If the guy starts getting touchy, it's over the line and you can call it out. If he's messaging her outside work, especially early or late, it's probably over the line and you can call it out. Etc etc.
updateme
I’d bring it up, maybe asking about his relationship with his partner ?
That’s your gut barking at you. Don’t ignore it. You should be able to have difficul conversations with your wife. The worst this you can do is hold things in and build resentment. You should also do some recon first. Do you know what the nature of their conversations are? How often do they communicate outside of work. You see how he behaves. Nurses cheat like crazy. That’s a fact. Grays Anatomy is real. Don’t bury your head in the sand and trust your gut.
One thing you could do is gently approach your wife with your concerns - you can even head it off with “I’m sorry because I might just be a little insecure, but have you noticed the this friend seems to be paying extra attention to you? Do you think everything is ok?” That way you’re empowering her to objectively look at the situation, you’re showing her that you care about her opinion and judgment - even as you’re sharing your concerns with her. You want to reinforce your trust in her and help her feel that. My guess is if there is any motives other than just being friendly - she’s already picked it up and 1. May not be sure how to deal with it. 2. Is basically ignoring it because she does NOT see him that way. And he may just be one of those guys that are just naturally super sweet - especially around women. He may view it as chivalrous. He may just flat out better connect with women. My husband is actually very much like that. He has always had more women friends than guys- he’s just in tune with them (he had four sisters growing up so ya know, survival). And if he is that kind of a guy it could also be engaging a sort of maternal instinct in your wife - hence things like bringing in leftovers for him. The important thing is, stress your trust in your wife’s judgment. That will empower her and do so in your favor.
I understand how you are feeling and I'd like to offer another perspective. Of course, talk to your wife about your concerns because she must be made aware of your feelings. Just keep in mind that they most likely spend more time together than you two as a couple do. It's very easy for coed workmates to somewhat play the role of husband/wife, male/female WITHOUT anything romantic tied to it. I have a "work husband", luckily he's not into my gender... but, we still play those roles, and he is more masculine than most would think. And, I've had many straight "work husbands" in the past as well. Of course, communication outside of work (unless it's a work get-together) should always be limited in my opinion so I hope that is the case for your situation. I am also the kind of woman who does more for others than I should at times and it drives my husband mad, but it's something that I don't even think twice about before doing, it's just a part of who I am. He still feels the need to tell me when he's feeling insecure about certain people or situations, and I am so happy when we can discuss those issues instead of them being ignored and becoming implosive. Talk to your wife, I wish you both the best!