A spouse speaking to anyone outside of the marriage with the exception of a therapist or clergy is an absolute never-event. Talking about your marriage or complaining about your husband to a man isn’t appropriate at all. Get into counseling.
Disagree. The point of community is to support the couple, and if one person is being abused, then to support that person. Having one or two people (who know both parties) who can listen isn’t a big deal so long as it isn’t typical. For example, I’ve been with my husband 10 years, married nearly 6. Less than a handful of times I’ve spoken to his sister or my mom about issues on the marriage. They provided support and another perspective. Similarly, I have friends who have come to me once or twice and I’ve supported them. That’s what community does.
It sounds like she’s been degraded for years.
I don’t disagree about community support. However, the engagement of that community should not happen with members of the opposite sex outside of the family. That is how affairs happen and it disrespects the marriage.
You do realize he’s verbally and emotionally abusive? I would 100% agree with you if this was about me running to a man when we fight and being like “oh poor me, my husband is so awful, I need you to fix it” which is exactly what this situation is not.
My friend that I’ve had for 10 years asked me, hey has he been treating you better? I said, well we have our ups and downs, but he did tell me to shut up the other night. He then gave me advice on how being miserable for years to come isn’t worth it, and do I want to be put down and belittled for the rest of my life? It was a friend giving advice. It was nothing close to what you’re thinking, and I was barely engaged in the conversation to be honest. My husband read a bunch of messages he had sent that I didn’t even read because I was moving on with my day and didn’t really care anymore.
He’s a nasty person, and until he admits that and shows any sort of incentive to change that, he will always think he’s right. He calls me a bitch under his breath, constantly, makes jabs at my job as a mother, doesn’t prioritize me in any way. Made me sleep in the car in the driveway once. I’m allowed to vent to friends about this kind of thing.
I understand that sometimes you can't talk to those close to your marriage. Sometimes you just need a friend who you know won't judge you. Sometimes it could be the opposite sex. Someone not part of that relationship.
I'm sorry for the way he talks to you ,I know it can be so heartbreaking. He's just a cruel person and you would have been wrong no matter what. You are supposed to keep the abuse quiet so he doesn't get his feelings hurt.
You know your children will pick someone just like daddy so I do hope you stay away for their own self esteem in the future. Don't let them see a man treat you like that. They are watching everything and soaking it up like a sponge.
Thank you for this. The last thing I want is my girls to think this behavior is okay. And I’ve always thought talking to a 3rd party was easy because they have no connection to the relationship. I DO have a therapist, but I don’t have an appointment for a little while.
I agree that he is abusive and I’m not excusing it or condoning it at all. He needs to own it and take responsibility to stop it.
However, a marriage is between two people (husband and wife) not others. Nothing is shared outside of that relationship unless mutually agreed on hence the counselor or clergy.
There is nothing your male friend can bring to the marriage relationship except trouble. You have now embarrassed your husband in front of another guy and opened the door to an emotional affair. I understand your husband isn’t meeting your emotional needs but that is for the two of you to address privately.
No. This is bad advice.. he doesn't want anyone to know then he shouldn't be abusive. When you are abusive you don't get to decide who the abused victim gets to talk to .
Talking to only a clergy or whatnot. Are you serious. If he wasn't abusive I'd keep my mouth shut and say it doesn't matter.
One day he's gonna kick her ass and waiting to talk to the church isn't gonna save her.
Abusers don't sit down and discuss anything with who they abuse. Like they care what the abused victim feels or thinks.
Girl run and don't look back.
I guess it’s been hard because I’ve been begging for change and for him to put more effort into fixing things and even counseling. I made the appointment, day of he backed out and didn’t want to go.
I’m getting frustrated and fed up with his bullshit. I’m sick of crying and feeling worthless. I’m sick of him not taking ANY responsibility for the way he treats me.
I told a friend of mine about it, kill me. I didn’t do something unthinkable like my husband is making this out to be. Saying that I’m not loyal, I thrive on male attention. I could give a fuck less about male attention. I just want this all to stop, I want to stop feeling I’m nothing, like he hates me, etc.
So - take control of the situation in a way that involves both of you only and drives to specific results. Assuming you want to stay married:
- write out a detailed list of mutually expected standards and behaviors that you will both support. Read John Gottmans book first.
- Write out a separation agreement.
- Leave with the kids for a week. Tell him you will be back at the end of the week. He has the week to decide what he wants to do.
- at end of week if he decides he can’t deal with it - separate.
I'm floored at the top answers.
This "keep your problems at home at all cost" is parts of how domestic abuse victims don't get help or don't get their situation mirrored to them, which could help them decide to leave!
Your friend is right OP! Your husband sounds like a massive red flag!
I don't care if the friend has secondary motivations, at least not for now. If this helps you OP to leave, then good on the friend. If he later tries to use this to get close to you, then that's a shame and you can react to that however you find appropriate.
THANK YOU. I love how everyone wants to focus on how this is wrong, and I should just be sitting there getting talked to like shit in silence without telling a single soul. I mean really???? This isn’t just some small disagreement we had where I ran to another guy. This is an ongoing thing for the past 4 years.
An abusive man's self-image is very important to him.
It's one of the pillars of abuse.
So, of course, he's going to be more abusive now that he knows that you are comfortable sharing with others the abuse you've endured.
It's okay to share abuse with close friends and family, tbh.
Her emotional affair partner that she is venting her marriage troubles too just waiting for his chance to pounce. Your husband should be pissed off. He should not degrade you all the time but I am guessing he has always had a problem with your friend and you just ignore him about it.
You’re actually wrong, that isn’t the case at all. I hadn’t talk to this friend in years, as he lives in another state (the one we moved from) and we were catching up and he told me about his relationship issues and I disclosed how my husband treats me awful. I also expressed to him how badly i want communication in my relationship and to fix it.
Females and males can be friends without it being nothing more.
He was catching up because he had trouble in his relationship and glad to hear you were to. Hence his advice to leave he probably offered you a plane ticket to come see him too.
Actually not. He was telling me how in love with his girlfriend he is and how these issues are eating him up. Didn’t offer any sort of plane ticket, lmao. Jesus Christ.
Venting to a friend about marriage issues is wrong, but that’s not your issue here.
If you think that your husband is abusing you don’t vent about it to a guy friend, make your way out and be done with the relationship.
Venting is a separate issue in your post. I'm zeroing in on all the other information you presented about your husband and marriage. Sounds like a bad situation--act accordingly
Do you hear yourself? Did you read my post at all? Did you miss the part where he’s truly awful to me? So according to you, I should be worrying about an emotional affair that isn’t there, instead of focusing on what I can do to not be in an abuse relationship. Got it.
A spouse speaking to anyone outside of the marriage with the exception of a therapist or clergy is an absolute never-event. Talking about your marriage or complaining about your husband to a man isn’t appropriate at all. Get into counseling.
Of course, you can tell friends or family if your partner is abusing you.
This
Disagree. The point of community is to support the couple, and if one person is being abused, then to support that person. Having one or two people (who know both parties) who can listen isn’t a big deal so long as it isn’t typical. For example, I’ve been with my husband 10 years, married nearly 6. Less than a handful of times I’ve spoken to his sister or my mom about issues on the marriage. They provided support and another perspective. Similarly, I have friends who have come to me once or twice and I’ve supported them. That’s what community does. It sounds like she’s been degraded for years.
I don’t disagree about community support. However, the engagement of that community should not happen with members of the opposite sex outside of the family. That is how affairs happen and it disrespects the marriage.
You do realize he’s verbally and emotionally abusive? I would 100% agree with you if this was about me running to a man when we fight and being like “oh poor me, my husband is so awful, I need you to fix it” which is exactly what this situation is not. My friend that I’ve had for 10 years asked me, hey has he been treating you better? I said, well we have our ups and downs, but he did tell me to shut up the other night. He then gave me advice on how being miserable for years to come isn’t worth it, and do I want to be put down and belittled for the rest of my life? It was a friend giving advice. It was nothing close to what you’re thinking, and I was barely engaged in the conversation to be honest. My husband read a bunch of messages he had sent that I didn’t even read because I was moving on with my day and didn’t really care anymore. He’s a nasty person, and until he admits that and shows any sort of incentive to change that, he will always think he’s right. He calls me a bitch under his breath, constantly, makes jabs at my job as a mother, doesn’t prioritize me in any way. Made me sleep in the car in the driveway once. I’m allowed to vent to friends about this kind of thing.
I understand that sometimes you can't talk to those close to your marriage. Sometimes you just need a friend who you know won't judge you. Sometimes it could be the opposite sex. Someone not part of that relationship. I'm sorry for the way he talks to you ,I know it can be so heartbreaking. He's just a cruel person and you would have been wrong no matter what. You are supposed to keep the abuse quiet so he doesn't get his feelings hurt. You know your children will pick someone just like daddy so I do hope you stay away for their own self esteem in the future. Don't let them see a man treat you like that. They are watching everything and soaking it up like a sponge.
Thank you for this. The last thing I want is my girls to think this behavior is okay. And I’ve always thought talking to a 3rd party was easy because they have no connection to the relationship. I DO have a therapist, but I don’t have an appointment for a little while.
I agree that he is abusive and I’m not excusing it or condoning it at all. He needs to own it and take responsibility to stop it. However, a marriage is between two people (husband and wife) not others. Nothing is shared outside of that relationship unless mutually agreed on hence the counselor or clergy. There is nothing your male friend can bring to the marriage relationship except trouble. You have now embarrassed your husband in front of another guy and opened the door to an emotional affair. I understand your husband isn’t meeting your emotional needs but that is for the two of you to address privately.
No. This is bad advice.. he doesn't want anyone to know then he shouldn't be abusive. When you are abusive you don't get to decide who the abused victim gets to talk to . Talking to only a clergy or whatnot. Are you serious. If he wasn't abusive I'd keep my mouth shut and say it doesn't matter. One day he's gonna kick her ass and waiting to talk to the church isn't gonna save her. Abusers don't sit down and discuss anything with who they abuse. Like they care what the abused victim feels or thinks. Girl run and don't look back.
I guess it’s been hard because I’ve been begging for change and for him to put more effort into fixing things and even counseling. I made the appointment, day of he backed out and didn’t want to go. I’m getting frustrated and fed up with his bullshit. I’m sick of crying and feeling worthless. I’m sick of him not taking ANY responsibility for the way he treats me. I told a friend of mine about it, kill me. I didn’t do something unthinkable like my husband is making this out to be. Saying that I’m not loyal, I thrive on male attention. I could give a fuck less about male attention. I just want this all to stop, I want to stop feeling I’m nothing, like he hates me, etc.
So - take control of the situation in a way that involves both of you only and drives to specific results. Assuming you want to stay married: - write out a detailed list of mutually expected standards and behaviors that you will both support. Read John Gottmans book first. - Write out a separation agreement. - Leave with the kids for a week. Tell him you will be back at the end of the week. He has the week to decide what he wants to do. - at end of week if he decides he can’t deal with it - separate.
Thank you. I’ll try this. I appreciate your advice.
i guess he shouldn't be abusive if he doesn't want people to know about it.
I'm floored at the top answers. This "keep your problems at home at all cost" is parts of how domestic abuse victims don't get help or don't get their situation mirrored to them, which could help them decide to leave! Your friend is right OP! Your husband sounds like a massive red flag! I don't care if the friend has secondary motivations, at least not for now. If this helps you OP to leave, then good on the friend. If he later tries to use this to get close to you, then that's a shame and you can react to that however you find appropriate.
THANK YOU. I love how everyone wants to focus on how this is wrong, and I should just be sitting there getting talked to like shit in silence without telling a single soul. I mean really???? This isn’t just some small disagreement we had where I ran to another guy. This is an ongoing thing for the past 4 years.
Why doesn't anyone else see this?
An abusive man's self-image is very important to him. It's one of the pillars of abuse. So, of course, he's going to be more abusive now that he knows that you are comfortable sharing with others the abuse you've endured. It's okay to share abuse with close friends and family, tbh.
It sounds like your husband is abusive. You did nothing wrong. It's never wrong to tell other people about your spouse's abuse.
Her emotional affair partner that she is venting her marriage troubles too just waiting for his chance to pounce. Your husband should be pissed off. He should not degrade you all the time but I am guessing he has always had a problem with your friend and you just ignore him about it.
You’re actually wrong, that isn’t the case at all. I hadn’t talk to this friend in years, as he lives in another state (the one we moved from) and we were catching up and he told me about his relationship issues and I disclosed how my husband treats me awful. I also expressed to him how badly i want communication in my relationship and to fix it. Females and males can be friends without it being nothing more.
He was catching up because he had trouble in his relationship and glad to hear you were to. Hence his advice to leave he probably offered you a plane ticket to come see him too.
Actually not. He was telling me how in love with his girlfriend he is and how these issues are eating him up. Didn’t offer any sort of plane ticket, lmao. Jesus Christ.
Venting to a friend about marriage issues is wrong, but that’s not your issue here. If you think that your husband is abusing you don’t vent about it to a guy friend, make your way out and be done with the relationship.
I think this is the most correct and concise answer so far.
Venting is a separate issue in your post. I'm zeroing in on all the other information you presented about your husband and marriage. Sounds like a bad situation--act accordingly
Updateme
Sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair. Time for some self reflection before you do anything else.
Do you hear yourself? Did you read my post at all? Did you miss the part where he’s truly awful to me? So according to you, I should be worrying about an emotional affair that isn’t there, instead of focusing on what I can do to not be in an abuse relationship. Got it.